TABLE MANNERS: AN ESSAY
Table manners are the practices of a gentleman at the table. Wherever he finds himself, a gentleman behaves courteously and graciously to those around him; he seeks never to hurt or offend. In most situations a little forethought and common sense suffice and knowledge of custom and convention always helps. Reading Emily Post or Amy Vanderbilt or the inimitable Miss Manners (one ought to—they are most sensible persons) and memorizing long lists of do’s and don’ts will not make a person a gentleman, however. Unless a person cultivates his own sensibilities by making himself ever mindful of the needs and feelings of others, he will never become a gentleman.
At Kiski we spend more time together at the table dining than anywhere else engaged in any other activity together. Manners are important elsewhere, but it is at the table that we most readily sense their absence. This outline is prepared so that each person may have a clearer understanding of custom and conventions as they apply in our dining room. While some procedures apply uniquely to our local situation, many will have universal application. If in doubt look around: who is eating least conspicuously? Follow his example.
Do not crowd against the doors in the lobby or cluster in groups blocking corridors. There is nothing to which to rush, and nobody likes being crushed. The lobby is spacious: hold back and spread out. Make sure you are properly groomed and attired before entering the dining hall. Your hair should be combed and your buttons buttoned. Nobody likes to have to look at a slob.
When entering the dining hall walk, do not run or push, to your assigned table. Take the seat nearest the head of the table; do not leave empty chairs between you and others. Objects must be passed around the table; throwing or sliding them damages property and people. Do not try to serve yourself before grace is said. After grace is said everyone is seated. Do not grab for food. If food already is on the table, pass it to the head of the table first.
When serving yourself from a dish, be aware of others who have not been served. When finished pass the dish to the person next to you. If a dish is passed to you and you do not wish to serve yourself, pass the dish anyway. At the beginning of a meal a serving dish should go all the way around the table. While a dish is being passed, do not embarrass those between you and the person with the dish by a pre-emptive “after you.” When asking for something, remember the word “please.”
Should you reach your table after everyone else has been seated, excuse yourself to the head of the table before taking your seat. If you are very late, and the doors have been shut, you will not be admitted to the dining hall. In that case, wait in the lobby until your presence has been verified. Do not begin your meal until everyone has been served. Use your utensils! You are not at McDonald’s! Small vegetable relishes and bits of bread may be eaten with the fingers, but otherwise use your knife and fork. The general rule for using the fingers is that they may be used if the food is dry and can be eaten without leaving a mess on your face, fingers, clothing, plate, or napkin. Thus, fried chicken and french fried potatoes do not qualify as finger food, exception: only an expert trencherman can deftly cut the meat from barbecued spareribs. In lieu of finger bowls (You’ve never heard of finger bowls? Pity.), ask the head of the table for extra napkins.
When in doubt, follow the head of the table or ask him. Hold your fork in the left hand the same way you hold the knife in your right hand. Your index finger on the neck of the fork will give you sufficient pressure and control to strip a chicken leg to the dry bone. Holding the fork in your fist like a stabbing device is awkward and should be avoided. Do not use a spoon to eat mashed potatoes or to spread butter.
The general rule for wielding eating utensils (including hands) is to keep your actions as inconspicuous as possible. This umbrella covers a number of specifics. Hands and elbows should be kept off the table. Your head should be held up, not down at your plate. Your mouth should be closed when you chew. Your hand is not a bread plate, so do not use it as one by picking up a whole slice of bread and buttering it in mid air. Break off a small piece of bread, butter it, convey it to mouth, and repeat the process. Do not point with knife or fork. Cut sandwiches in two (permissible exceptions are sandwiches in sandwich buns). Do not cut up your meal into bite size pieces first in order to consume it afterwards (Such concentrated activity is conspicuous and it requires you to devote your attention to your meal while ignoring the others at the table). Do not make noises. If you must remove food or remnants from your mouth, there is no fast rule; merely do so as inconspicuously as possible. If this cannot be done ask to be excused. Remember, keep your actions inconspicuous.
When passing your plate for seconds, place knife and fork on your bread plate first. This is at variance with standard practice, but it seems to work better at Kiski. Knife, fork and spoon are for eating, not for playing. When finished place knife and fork in the center of the plate at “twenty past four o’clock;” this enables the waiter to hold them with his thumb when he picks up the plate. Do not stack dishes onto your plate; the waiter may drop them; he will have to restack them at the tray; the bottoms become dirtier thus increasing the work of the dishwashers. In general, do not try to help the waiter to clear.
There are other practices to be avoided at the table. Most of them derive from general considerations. Some of them are: loud and boisterous laughter, carrying on conversations with persons at other tables, reading letters or newspapers at the table, whispering and talking behind one’s hands, throwing or sliding objects, coarse or abusive language, talk about delicate or sensitive or unpleasant subjects, uncomplimentary remarks about the food, laughter at the misfortunes of others (e.g., when a waiter drops a tray).
Keep quiet during announcements. If everyone is finished, the head’s of the table rising will tell you that you are excused. Excuse yourself, push your chair back, and walk from the dining hall; do not linger in the dining hall. Wait for your friends in the lobby or outside. Keep your clothes on. Before you start to tug on your shirt and tie remember that gentlemen dress and undress in their rooms, not in public.
E. William Turley '64 (1946-1999) Mathematics Instructor 1971-1999 and Dean of Faculty