Fordham University s journal of news, analysis, comment, and review.

march thenth, two thousand and ten volume XXXIX, the paper issue III Off the Record

Important information on Maroon Square, pages three and nine.

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Follow the instructions closely and destroy this paper upon completion. page 2 the paper february 3, 2009

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Fan mail? Hate mail? “the paperhouse Rocks compilation” Write to us! Editors-in-Chief Bobby Cardos (feat. Sport Utility Vehicles) the paper Alex Gibbons (feat. Mayonnaise) c/o Offi ce of Student Leadership and Community Development Executive Editors Fordham University Sean Kelly (feat. William Shatner) Bronx, NY 10458 Emily Genetta (feat. Fr. McShane) [email protected] News Editors the paper, Fordham University’s student journal of news, analysis, comment, Alex Orf (feat. Big Money Rustlas) and review, is a product solely of the students. No part of the publication may be re- Sean Bandfi eld (feat. A Priori Knowledge) produced without written consent of the editors. the paper is produced using Adobe InDesign, Adobe Photoshop, Microsoft Word, and the incredibly hard work of the Arts Editors people to the right. Photos are “borrowed” from Internet sites like: www.google. com, www.imdb.com, www.nambla.org, www.rollingstone.com, www.cnn.com. Kaitlin Campbell (feat. Larry the Cable Guy) Sorry mom, subscriptions are not available. Ad rates are unreasonable – don’t ask. Mickie Meinhardt (feat. the Boxcar Children) Open staff meetings are held Tuesdays at 8PM near our offi ce, McGinley B-57, in The Ramskellar, located in the basement of McGinley. Articles and letters to Earwax Editor the editor may be submitted via e-mail to [email protected], or scrawled Sarah Madges (feat. 36 Crazyfi sts) incoherently in White-Out on back issues of Penthouse magazine. Submissions are always considered, usually printed, and occasionally used to make origami rhinoc- Chief Copy Editor eroses. If you do not wish your letter to the editor to be published, just say so. We do not advocate wussitude; all letters must be signed. We reserve the right to edit Elena Lightbourn (feat. Déjà vu) any material submitted for publication. We will, however, work with the writer and see that content is as true to the writer’s original as possible. We publish this rag ten Copy Staff times a year (fi ver per semester). Aly Kravitz (feat. Bush (the president)) So why not come down and write for us? We are a constantly evolving publica- Brigh Gibbons (feat. Bush (the 90s band)) tion, and have been since 1972. And we try our best to second guess mainstream Will Yates (feat. Bush (the shrubbery)) opinion and buck the system, even if there is no call to do so. But hey, writing isn’t Emily Tuttle (feat. the Great Lakes) for everyone. Try reading a good book like Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, by Seth Grahame-Smith. You might just learn something. And a Special Thanks to our aim Dean Christopher Rodgers (feat. Bad-Decision Robot) Note: This the paper is Fordham University’s student journal of news, analysis, comment, song is strictly “off the record.” and review. Our aim is to give the Fordham community fresh insights on old issues, new thoughts on new issues, and information that other campus publications may not be able to report. We do not claim to be a newspaper of record – facts, fi gures, Contributors and dates. Instead, we focus on the Fordham student perspective, on thoughtful Not Getting Hit by a Car, Eamon Stewart, Sunglasses, Chris analysis, and on the comprehension of the full scope of events, rather than stag- Gramuglia, Japanther, Lauren Duca, Bronx Folks, (Way too) gered and straight news coverage. In short, our emphasis is on the obvious and Early Times Whisky, Nick Muray, Juxtapose, Standing on People, active role of the student writer in his or her work. We also aim to provide Fordham Caroline Egan, Paperboy, Dan Yacovino, White Parties and Black students a less fettered venue for expression, something they may not be able to Outs, Matt Burns, Jake SandersSoHo Parties, Keegan Talty, fi nd at other student publications. Bro-love, Alternative Pizza Solutions, Dan Yacovino, Katie Levitt, Basically, if we make you laugh, piss you off, or move you in some way, then Starburst, Alex Kelso, Old Fashioned Guy, Max Brown, Frank we’re doing our job. If you don’t like it, shut your pie hole (or come write for us)! Brown march 10, 2010 the paper page 3 news Shifting Expectations for Maroon Square As the Year Winds Down, USG Tries Moves Toward Compromise on the Free Speech Space by Alexander Gibbons makes sense for me, while I’m administration listed above have favorite method of the paper. Both USG and SLC expect CO-EDITOR-IN-CHIEF [continuing conversations with signifi cantly changed the course For a student government, such to see some sort of resolution. n November, members of USG] to air that laundry right of USG’s Maroon Square pro- a route of action is very coun- The two groups will meet on IFordham University’s United now, publicly.” Lord knows posal. The initial mission of terproductive. “You don’t bail March 24th, where both expect Student Government, repre- why Dean Rodgers couldn’t creating an “enhancement” to out of the process [when your to meet some form of fi nal reso- sented by USG President John talk about the specifi c problems the demonstration policy, rather demands aren’t met],” says lution. “I don’t think we would Tully Gordon and VP Mike Student Life had with the Ma- than changing the policy has Rodgers. Gordon agrees, say- have entered into these conver- Recca handed off their Maroon roon Square proposal. Perhaps since lost steam. Now, as USG ing “we’re not in the mindset sations if we couldn’t do some- Square proposal to the Student it has something to do with the elections approach and cur- that we take our ball and leave thing…unless we thought there Life Committee (SLC). Maroon paper’s knack for constantly rent administration members once we reach a disagreement.” was an outcome, a movement in Square, for those students who knocking on the administration. get ready to graduate, focus Hence the compromise. positions,” says Rodgers. have been living under a rock Maybe it’s a general problem has shifted primarily to chang- USG’s primary concern at During the meeting Rodg- the past four months, was a pro- with transparency, or maybe it’s ing the demonstration policy in the moment is to make some ers and Gordon repeatedly cited posal set forth by USG calling just that any problems Student order to make the process less difference. Free-speech on cam- the importance of cooperation for a designated free-speech Life has with Maroon Square daunting for students. pus has been a huge concern between groups on campus, es- zone on campus. It was mod- are ridiculous and unfounded, the paper recently sat down for the current administration; pecially student groups and ad- eled off of similar free-speech and to make them ministrators. “The An artist’s rendition of Maroon Square. zones on other campuses, many public would invite credit I give to this The administration insisted on the canon, of them private, Jesuit schools criticism from the years [USG] ad- for security purposes. like Fordham. The free-speech student-body. ministration is that zone would allow students What follows they say ‘progress a location where they could are some of the is important.’” hold demonstrations or open- reasons why the Rodgers says this dialogues without having to go administration re- year’s administra- through Fordham’s stingy dem- jected the Maroon tion is a deviation onstration policy, which, among Square proposal. from previous other things, requires students Note: this is in no USGs, especially to register a potential demon- way a statement in their willing- stration weeks in advance (it’s from the Offi ce of ness to compro- within my own opinion that Ma- Student Affairs. mise. “It’s in the roon Square could also serve as 1. Maroon Square sense of coop- a student/community hang-out could potentially eration that we’re spot, which Fordham desper- increase controver- trying to reach an ately needs more of). sies or incidents on attainable goal,” Gordon spoke with the pa- campus 2. Unan- says Gordon. per about Maroon Square when ticipated activates So the free USG handed off the proposal in take the univer- speech zone is a the fall. “Rather than advocate sity by surprise 3. bust. Rose Hill changing the demonstration The potential for will not see a Ma- policy,” said Gordon, “Maroon controversial im- roon Square this Square will be an enhancement ages to be displayed in public with both Dean Rodgers and John Gordon, Mike Recca, year, and only time will tell to it.” The idea was that Maroon 4. The potential for hate speech John Gordon. Throughout the and board member Ian Gaylets what the priorities of next year’s Square would provide students to be voiced in Maroon Square conversation, some of which have devoted huge amounts of USG will be. Hopefully they’ll and groups an easy way of ex- 5. Potential for underutiliza- Dean Rodgers declared “off their time to the cause. “What continue the same fi ght led by pressing their ideas and opin- tion 6. Maroon Square may the record,” both Gordon and we’re now looking to do,” said this year’s bipartisan USG ad- ions, especially if said ideas give unrealistic expectations of Rodgers spoke optimistically Gordon “is make changes that ministration. If not, students can and opinions run contrary to post-college life 7. Taking the of compromise between USG are still signifi cant, but not as at least look forward to some administration policy or Ford- administration and the planning and SLC. “The process has overwhelming as the space it- sort of change in the demonstra- ham’s conservative ideology. process would deprive students been collaborative,” says Gor- self.” Basically, Fordham will tion policy. Still, the prospect of Of course, as the proposal was of valuable lessons don. “One of the benefi ts of this see no free-speech zone this a free-speech zone on campus handed off to the SLC, it was If your head is pained af- process has been the approach year, but may see some changes was an exciting one. Any “prog- met with an apprehensive, bor- ter reading those excuses for on both ends. We went into this to the demonstration policy that ress” made that doesn’t include derline paranoid response from legitimate contention, you’re with the idea of deviating from make the process of registering such a zone will be bittersweet the administration. amongst friends. the standard when it comes to a demonstration easier and more at best. When asked to comment on addressing policy issues.” The convenient for students. “We For the paper’s view on the Student Life’s problems with the The Route of Compromise “standard” Gordon refers to want the greatest benefi t with issue, turn to page 9. Maroon Square proposal, Dean here is basically loud, disgrun- the greatest amount of compro- Rodgers said, “I’m not sure it To protests on behalf of the tled opposition and outrage, a mise,” says Gordon. in this editorials arts features comix issue:

Go Rams. Sexual Harassment Batman Producer Gettin’ Cultured! Oscars Heartbreak, and Assault Policy Comes to Fordham, p.20 p.24 at Fordham, p.9 p.15 page 4 the paper march 10, 2010 Effects of Earthquake are More than Physical Coastal Chile Plagued by Looting, Infection by Sean Kelly all aspects of life for its citizens. soldiers to the most affected ar- nearly $2 million (U.S.) worth of the country. Among the most EXECUTIVE CO-EDITOR Perhaps the most notable of eas to enforce it, as well as deter of loot ranging from kitchen ap- common affl ictions are diarrhea In the weeks following the these was the civil unrest that potential looters (not since the pliances to fl at-screen TVs. In and dysentery due to the lack of February 27th earthquake that occurred in the hardest hit ar- reign of Pinochet have soldiers response to the voluntary com- potable water and widespread devastated the coastal nation eas of the country. As was seen been deployed domestically in pliance exhibited by the citizens contamination. Additionally, of Chile, the true extent of the all too recently in Haiti, looting Chile). Though the decision to of Concepcion, the army re- the looting of pharmacies has damage slowly became appar- and rioting are common occur- dispatch the army was met with laxed the formerly rigid curfew left diabetes medication in short ent. With a crushed infrastruc- rences following a large-scale some concern from citizens, in the city. supply, exacerbating the pre- ture, an as of yet unknown death natural disaster when resources especially those who had lived Though civil unrest and existing medical conditions of toll, approximately two mil- are short and looting were argu- many residents. lion displaced citizens, and a government ably the most press- Another major public health “state of catastrophe” declared aid is slow to ing issues facing concern is the displacement of by Chilean president Michelle arrive. Chile the affected areas hospital patients from damaged Bachalet a mere three hours af- was certainly aside from physi- hospitals throughout the coun- ter the quake had struck, the 8.8 no exception to cal damage and dis- try. In Concepcion, only one magnitude earthquake left most this trend, and placement, other of the city hospital’s 13 wards of the central Chilean coastline, looting began problems have risen was operational following the as well as in the inland metro- throughout the to the surface as quake, leaving ailing residents politan centers, in chaotic sham- city of Concep- cleanup efforts have in impromptu fi eld hospitals in bles. cion and its out- begun. Among other the streets of the city. Though Indeed, the extent of the lying suburbs things, the public foreign aid services have as- physical damage was apparent almost imme- health of Chile has sisted in the setting up of fi eld from the beginning; collapsed diately after the become a major con- hospitals, the facilities are still bridges, crumbled buildings, quake. Though cern within the past insuffi cient to accommodate the and a decimated hospital in looting was mostly carried out in Pinochet-era Chile, initial re- several days. In Concepcion, a large number of displaced pa- downtown Concepcion - the by poorer Chileans (who suf- ports indicate that the military port city, rotting fi sh cover the tients. population center most directly fered the most signifi cant losses presence in the affected areas piers and docks, and were scat- Though the physical dam- affected by the quake - were all and were left without food, wa- has helped to quell looting. In tered throughout the streets by age that came as a result of primary concerns in the days ter, and other provisions), many fact, following the highly publi- the tsunami that struck the city Chile’s recent earthquake was following the incident. How- of the perpetrators were middle- cized arrest of 20 looters in Con- following the quake, spread- comparatively low, the residual ever, after the recue efforts class citizens, looting electron- cepcion, the local police forces ing infection as well as con- effects continue to plague the subsided, the aftershocks and ics and liquor stores and carry- offered a short amnesty period taminating local water supplies. nation’s residents nonetheless. tremors stopped and the rubble ing their spoils away in SUVs for looters and allowed them to Though a massive inoculation Buildings may still be standing, began to be cleared away, Chile and minivans. return stolen items without the effort is underway by Chilean but the largest and most perni- found itself faced with a new set In response to the unrest, threat of arrest or prosecution. public health services (mainly cious of Chile’s problems are of problems and clearer idea of president Michelle Bachalet in- By the time the amnesty period against hepatitis and tetanus), not found in concrete or steel, exactly how the quake affected stated a curfew for all citizens had closed, local police and the infection continues to pervade but rather in the social order and and dispatched ten thousand Chilean military had gathered the most severely affected areas well being of its people. Arson Suspected in Fordham Road Church Fire Parishioners Show Resilience, Go About Business as Usual by Kaitlin Campbell heads for a fi nal blessing at this waiting for an explanation from there. to be determined, and the church ARTS CO-EDITOR Sunday’s scheduled 11:15 Eng- either the NYPD or 100 NYFD Attending mass though, has been moved temporarily to Police CAUTION tape cuts lish mass. fi refi ghters who extinguished was only one part of the large the basement, no one seems to the sidewalk in half at the cor- From a podium in the cor- the blaze and surveyed the dam- amount of services which St. be particularly anxious. “I’m ner of University Ave. and W. ner, the pastor casually makes age to the church. Nicholas offers its community. just glad we have this gym, for Fordham Rd., blocking the en- administrative an- The Tolentine Zeiser the weekend,” said one of the trance to St. Nicholas of Tolen- nouncements – “We are Community Life Cen- lectors outside Sunday mass. tine Church. The 100 year old not closed. We will hold Good thing it’s ter has Day Care and A parishioner for 48 years, he church’s majestic stone arch- all of the masses from made of stone. Pre-K programs, transi- mentioned he taught at Fordham way, now charred black, frames now on, here. Please tional housing services, Prep, and added, “Some of us two singed solid oak doors spread the word,” and immigration & refugee actually go to Fordham on Holy swung wipe-open to reveal a after a brief applause, services, a senior center Thursday…or Palm Sunday, or dark ruinous crypt that was a adds, “Those with dis- and a food pantry. Ash Wednesday.” Why? “It’s carpeted vestibule until 11 a.m. abilities, the elevator is They partner with less crowded – here, on the days Friday morning, when a fi re to the right directly as the Knights of Colum- when they’re giving anything quickly spread throughout the you exit the gym. And I bus, who live across the out to people so many come.” church’s front interior. don’t want to see anyone street. Oscar Ramirez, a The church is enormous On its stone exterior, to the who doesn’t have a cane K.o.C who has been at – once using both their upper right of the fi re-hose-soaked get in there.” A uniform St. Nicholas for a year, and lower church for week- steps, a sign written in Sharpie chuckle, and then church was squinting to see the end masses. Though the lower reads, “ALL MASSES WILL members lined up to fi remen inside his parish church is no longer used, over BE CELEBRATED THIS shake Father’s hand be- – “There’s no candles 1,000 people attend masses WEEKEND. GO TO THE EL- fore walking upstairs in the vestibule – they each weekend from a congre- EMENTARY SCHOOL GYM. and out onto the street – don’t allow them, for gation largely represented by 2336 ANDREW.” On the ply- routinely out of context. the reason they’re fl am- Vietnamese, Dominican, Puerto wood now covering a side door- The apparently disaf- mable.” NYPD is still Rican, Irish, and Mexican pa- way, another sign, “TODAS fected manner in which investigating the cause rishioners. “Anybody who is LAS MISAS ESTAN EN EL church members exited of the fi re, suspected by Catholic comes,” explained one COLEGIO,” directs parishio- the gym – helping each some to be arson. woman. ners to the side entrance of St. other with strollers or grocery “I’m not going to become Ramirez recalls when, a year As this large and unique Nicholas Catholic elementary carts down the school’s steps, a member of another parish,” ago, he and the church’s pastor community gathers into smaller school, where arrows map a gathering in circles to casually said one. “We are going to fi ght found a man sleeping in one of circles in the side-street next route down a fl ight of stairs and swap sale prices at C-town, and for our church,” said another. the confessionals: “There’s a lot to their burnt-out church, there into the echoing basement gym. patting each other shoulders People were saddened, some of homeless people that sleep in wasn’t present a hint of anxi- Sitting in rows of folding chairs smiling before collectively dis- even to the point of tears – but the church.” The doors of the ety – save for the little boy who facing a makeshift alter on the persing into the neighborhood many were still actively stead- church remain open until 3 pm stomped his foot on the ground stage underneath a basketball – resembles an underlying defi - fast, looking at you like you on weekdays, and more liber- and wailed, “Aww man, masses hoop, the entire congregation of ant resiliency that was present were crazy if you asked whether ally on weekends. in the school gym? This means St. Nicholas were bowing their in stalwart on Friday morning, or not they’d still attend mass But although causes are yet we can’t pass notes in mass!” march 10 , 2010 the paper page 5 From ghana, With Love Fordham’s First Annual Africa Week Draws International Attention by Nick Murray rica Week. The series of events feel we have a very special op- it will begin with a community but the two days in between will STAFF HIPLIFE has been organized by the Ford- portunity and a special respon- health forum on March 20th include two of the week’s most If last spring you went look- ham African Cultural Exchange sibility to showcase African when most students are away exciting events. On Tuesday, ing through Bronx record stores has been front-page news on the culture on our campus and the on break. Because they fear African chiefs will congregate for a copy of Ghanaian hiplife other side of the Atlantic. whole of New York State…and deportation, many African im- for a day of traditional drum- artist Kontihene’s new LP, you This marks the second time Fordham University is looking migrants avoid hospitals and ming, dance, and celebration. would have had trouble fi nding in recent months medical treatment and thus “This kind of gathering nor- it—not because it was too rare that the univer- “are dying slowly in their mally takes place at the village or obscure, but because it was sity has drawn homes,” Kojo Ampah, a square in traditional African selling out at a speed that would attention for social work major in Ford- societies, and we are trying to impress almost any American its relationship ham College of Liberal showcase that,” Ampah ex- pop artist. And he’s even bigger with the Afri- Studies, explained at the plained. “It’s more or less like in Ghana. can continent. Cultural Week’s media a family reunion. There will be In 2002, Kontihene’s de- In January, the kickoff. The health forum free African food, music and but song, “Aketesea,” won Department of will give these immigrants dancing.” the country’s Song of the Year Sociology and free screenings and con- The next day the univer- award, and his Nyankonton re- Anthropology sultations. sity will host an African Movie mains one of the most acclaimed donated thirty The event will be fol- Night featuring cinema from hiplife albums in the genre’s years of recently lowed by church service across the Atlantic. Ideally, the brief history. Although Ghana- digitized vintage beginning at noon on Sun- event will recreate the atmo- ians have been rapping since the books and maga- day at the Ebenezer As- sphere of watching a fi lm in Af- early 1980s, the hiplife scene zines to Ghana’s sembly of God on 181st rica, where, Ampah says, movie emerged in the early ‘90s when Kwame Nk- and Jerome. When stu- stars “live next door and the Kontihene: Reggie Rockstone brought his rumah Univer- dents return the next day, people are able to interact with Livin’ the hiplife. Twi fl ow to hip hop and dance- sity of Science the festival will emphasize their favorite stars on daily ba- hall-infl uenced beats (the word and Technology. its theme with a lecture en- sis.” hiplife is a neologism combin- Like Africa Week, the move was forward to welcoming thou- titled “Women and Democracy The festival will conclude ing hip-hop with highlife, an- facilitated by the African Cul- sands of people from all walks in Africa,” organized in coordi- on Friday, March 26 with a other form of Ghanaian pop). tural Exchange and was covered of life and around the world to nation with the Bronx African fashion show and awards night Now Kontihene and approx- by news organizations such as witness the maiden event of this American History Project and including a hiplife performance imately 70,000 other African Modern Ghana and Ghana Web. annual festival.” to be held at 6 p.m. in Walsh Li- from Kontihene himself. For immigrants live in the Bronx, In regards to Africa Week, The festival’s theme is “Cul- brary’s Flom Auditorium. more information, visit Ford- and during the week of March Dr. Mark Naison, a Fordham ture and Democracy,” or more On Thursday, the festivities ham Africa Week or the Bronx 20th through the 26th, Fordham professor of African and Afri- specifi cally, “Using Culture as will return to Flom at the same African-American History Proj- is celebrating their cultures with can-American Studies, told the a Tool to Enhance the Growth time for a lecture on African- ect on Facebook. the university’s fi rst annual Af- latter news organization, “We of Democracy in Africa,” and Owned Businesses in the Bronx, Terrorist on Trial Ensuring Justice in a Case Fraught with Sensitivity and Anger by Lauren Duca ‘Cause everyone hates him. er announced his decision to try evaluate the options based on rule of law, demonstrate that his STAFF AMUURICA He’s annoying. No one gives a Mohammed in a civilian court “New York City logistical and principles are up for grabs and In the middle ages, if you shit about him not wanting to go to a response of vicious uproar security concerns.” NY police lose all credibility with Ameri- were convicted of a crime they on the Rock n’ Rollercoaster at by Republicans and New York estimate that the cost to the city cans who care about justice and tossed you in the nearest lake Disney World during the class offi cials. They are arguing that will exceed $200 million for ev- the rule of law.” and decided whether or not you trip because he doesn’t like fun. he “should not be entitled to all ery year that the trial endures, in Senior Advisor David Axel- were guilty depending on if you And it’s really not helping that the protections and privileges order to fund the installation of rod has stated that Obama fa- sank. They also thought dragons his peanut allergy is over 2,000 checkpoints vors holding the trial in civilian were real. A few hundred years the reason birthdays Not a likeable guy. in lower Manhattan. court. And Holder expressed later, we here in the U.S. have can’t be celebrated Khalid is a sorry his confi dence in the abilities of fi gured some things out. We with cupcakes during excuse for a person our court system saying, “The know that wizards only exist recess anymore. Ex- and $200 million is a alleged 9/11 conspirators will between the pages of J.K. Row- cept, shouldn’t he still lot of money. Though stand trial in our justice system ling novels, that it’s okay to take be treated fairly? Is the nation as a whole before an impartial jury under a bath more than once a life- it enough of a reason could spend every Sat- long-established rules and pro- time, and that it’s best to work for him to spend 15% urday night for the cedures.” Khalid Sheik Moham- with a judicial system in which more of his time sit- next millennium rip- med is probably a little worse you’re innocent until proven ting in a corner facing ping him a new one, I than the killjoy kid who gets on guilty. We’re behind technology the wall? doubt they’re eager to everyone’s nerves. He should a good fi ve years and it’s pos- Everyone hates see tax dollars go to the have to spend the remainder of sible to “get away with murder” Khalid Sheik Moham- treat-a-terrorist-fairly his life sitting in a corner, eat- on account of police not being med. I got shivers fund. But none of that ing caf leftovers, and watching allowed to burst into the homes down my spine when I caught a a defendant receives in civilian negates the implications of un- that episode of The View with of the suspected, search for, glimpse of his picture – empty court.” Senator Joe Lieberman dergoing this reversal on the Donald Trump as a special guest and seize necessary evidence. eyes glaring beneath caterpillar called “giving [him] the consti- judicial system and American on loop. Khalid is a disgrace to American rule of law is not per- eyebrows and hipster glasses tutional rights of an American values. It only takes one ex- humanity. He’d probably be in fect, but it’s the best system, and gone terrorist chic. He was the citizen” “justice according to ception to form a precedent of Hitler’s Top 8 and if Dante re- it’s the best because it’s blind. mastermind behind 9/11. 2,819 Alice in Wonderland.” Cool pop negating our present judicial wrote The Inferno, there’s no What that really means is people died, 1,609 people lost culture reference, JL. tradition. Anthony Romero, di- doubt he’d be melting in the that justice is dispensed with a spouse or partner, and 3,051 No fi nal recommendation rector of the ACLU, accurately ninth circle. But that doesn’t neutrality. But is it? Teachers children lost parents. We will has been given, but the senior referred to trying Muhammed in negate the fact that giving him are supposed to be unbiased and never forget the day Khalid and administration offi cial an- military court as a “death blow” a military tribunal over a civil- treat every student the same. his pals took a bite out of the nounced that advisors hope a to our justice department and ian trial would undermine the Yet, there will always be that kid Big Apple. He’s despicable, and decision will be made before moral standards, and said that current administration and our with the bad tooth-to-gum ratio, the nation despises him with Obama leaves on an overseas “if the president fl ip-fl ops and country’s standing rule of law. glasses, and a habit of whin- good reason, but does that mean trip March 18th. White House retreats to the Bush military Justice better keep her blindfold ing that seems to get more time he doesn’t deserve justice? Press Secretary Robert Gibbs commissions, he will betray his on. outs than everyone else. Why? Attorney General Eric Hold- said the administration will campaign promise to restore the page 6 the paper march 10, 2010

Faker Tea Time The Importance of the Misunderstood Tea Party by Sean Bandfi eld were no images of Hitler-bama Obama, as many members ex- NEWS CO-EDITOR or white-wigged Sons of Libery press similar criticisms against For most students our age, (as I not-so-secretly had hoped spending under Bush’s presi- the years of initial political to be entertained by). There dency. However, it’s impossible Than awakening and later social con- were no raving rednecks or to miss the rhetoric and ethos sciousness were spent under a screaming conspiracy theorists that seem to come right from the Republican president. During (actually, there was one con- Conservative playbook; “Pa- those eight formative years of spiracy theorist, but he wasn’t triot” and “freedom” are words Bushery, we witnessed the pass- really screaming). The people that decorate Tea Party writings ing of governmental and Presi- I met there were exception- and group names perpetually, dential policy and the backlash ally ordinary; some were more and images such the Founding Truth that often followed. informed than others, but few Fathers and other Revolution- by Sean Kelly, Alex Orf, and Sean Bandfi eld Most potent among ary emblems are commonly STAFF LIARS these demonstra- featured on Tea Party websites. tions of disapprov- Now, it would be a mistake to BRONX, NY ~ At approximately 2:05 am on the morning of al were protests infer from this observation that Sunday, March 7th, your roommate purportedly ate an under- against the war in those leaning towards the left cooked HotPocket, proceeding bravely though the center was still Iraq; beside the resent the idea of patriotism or slightly frozen. The HotPocket, which your roommate acquired more reserved and don’t value freedom (what’s while walking through Tigermart after leaving Mugz’s at 1:42 reasonable demon- Liberalism without liberty?). am, was confi rmed to have a recommended cooking time of two strators were the However, the Tea Party move- minutes thirty seconds on high power, as well as an additional inevitable crack- ment makes certain use of these minute of cooling time after being removed from the microwave. pots and rabble terms when forming slogans According to reports from your roommate and the other guy in rousers whose and rallying cries; they’re po- the lounge at the time of the HotPocket’s preparation, the frozen more ridiculous tent ideals that appeal in a cer- pizza-snack was undercooked by at least thirty seconds on me- signs, effi gies, slo- tain way to certain Americans, dium power level. “I mean I had already taken it [the HotPocket] gans, and conspira- and their inclusion in the move- out of the packaging, and I wasn’t about to throw it out, so I fi g- cy theories, though ment are neither accidental nor ured I’d just tough it out,” said your roommate at 11:30 am upon often entertaining, incidental. being asked about his activities the previous night. “The edges likely didn’t help Do these words and images were still pretty warm. It tasted fi ne, I guess.” the anti-war cause prove that the Tea Party move- -SPK any more than they ment is simply a Right-wing fl attered Bush. engine after all? No – the move- HOLLYWOOD, CA ~ Movie fans around the world were Such is usually the ment shares many fundamental slightly disappointed today upon hearing that James Cameron, case when large ideologies with classic Ameri- Academy Award-Winning Director of Titanic and big-time loser groups protest, and we saw can Conservatism, but it is a at this past Sunday’s Academy Awards Ceremony, took his own plenty of that during the reign were anything like the ignorant, more broad and complex entity. life Monday. Cameron, 55, committed hara kiri, or ritual Japanese of George Dubyah. fringe-straddling Conservatives What’s more, it’s still an entity suicide, on board his private submarine, which he piloted into the If Bush’s signing of the bail- that have come to be somewhat that matters. In the beginning of remains of the Titanic. In the note he left behind to justify his ac- out package and Obama’s sign- associated with the movement. the year, New York Times col- tions, Cameron mourned for what he called “the fi lm industry’s ing of the stimulus deal were Many of the Tea Partiers were umnist David Brooks explained inevitable decay,” writing, “Why would I want to live in a world both reactions to the subprime essentially Libertarians - some how the movement was gain- where nuanced performances and bold directorial styles are more mortgage crisis and the follow- of them admittedly so - and one ing more support from citizens: highly valued than mediocre ‘message’ stories wrapped in the ing recession, then the Tea Party group of protesters identifi ed “According to the new NBC latest special effects technology? I mean, The Hurt Locker even movement formed as a response themselves as “Hillary Clinton News/Wall Street Journal poll, has believable, three-dimensional characters!” Dozens of friends to what many people believed Democrats.” The people at this 41 percent of Americans have and former collaborators have expressed their sorrow at no longer was irresponsible government demonstration, whether justi- a positive view of the Tea Party maybe-sorta getting the chance to look like a blue cheetah, but spending. Concerned citizens fi ed in their concerns or not, movement. Only 35 percent of will console themselves by choosing more interesting, intellectu- the nation over, representing weren’t a demographic that I Americans have a positive view ally stimulating projects instead. various socioeconomic back- had seen represented in the stan- of the Democrats and only 28 -AO grounds and intellectual capaci- dard portrayal of the Tea Party percent have a positive view of ties, began to protest against movement. the Republican Party.” What’s HOLLYWOOD, CA, 2273 AD ~ James Cameron’s latest fi lm what they saw as the excesses of Naturally, these metropoli- more, Brooks revealed that Golden War Machines of the Universe has set a new box offi ce a big government that, if left to tan protesters could very well among “independent voters,” record for opening weekend ticket sales, raking in nearly 700 itself, would bleed them dry in be of a slightly different (see: more would vote for a Tea Party trillion quark-dollars from movie theaters across the Earth and taxes. But that was a year ago, centrist) fl avor than their south- candidate in a general election Moon. Set in an exotic extraterrestrial world, the fi lm follows a and the Tea Party movement is ern and rural comrades. Classi- than would vote for a Democrat group of scientists as they travel across all of space-time. still relevant; if anything about cally conservative parts of the or Republican. The fi lm has been James Cameron’s sole project for over two their existence is surprising, it’s country have received a good No political movement centuries. The director was able to dedicate all of his time to the not that they formed in the fi rst deal of attention from Tea Par- can be summed up concisely picture after his production company successfully wired his brain place, but rather that they’re ty organizers, such as the Tea without sacrifi cing accuracy. It into the body of a robot, eliminating Cameron’s need to waste still going strong. Party Express, a protest tour would have been wrong to as- time with common human functions. The director explained: With the inevitability of a that travels the country to facili- sociate the anti-war protests “After my severed head was mounted on top of this mecha-body, protest movement comes the tate demonstrations and rallies under Bush as a strictly Liberal I was able to put all of my time into my work, without wasting a probability that that movement in cities from coast to coast. A happening, just as it would have moment eating, sleeping, or socializing with other people. Even will be misrepresented. To previous Tea Party Express ran been wrong to appoint the most when I was fully human, I’d only do two of those things anyway.” some extent, this has happened almost exclusively in the South, sensational and misguided of its The fi lm has been a long time coming, and fans have speculated with the Tea Party movement; which seemed to validate the participants as representative of as to how the movie would turn out ever since its announcement though Tea Partiers subscribe idea of the Rightist slant of the the movement as a whole. This in the 2060’s; Cameron’s vision was so ahead of its time that tech- to the ideals of small federal movement. However, the up- principle remains the same even nology had to catch up before the movie could be realized. The government and fi scal conser- coming Tea Party Express will though the group in question has fi lm uses state of the art technology that actually transports the vatism, to call them a strictly visit cities in the Northwest and changed; the Tea Party move- viewer’s mind into the sixth dimension to provide, as Cameron Conservative entity would be much of the Northeast, which ment is the latest answer to the states, “an experience that our monotonous plain of existence an oversimplifi cation. Though indicates that the movement ei- latest political climate, and like can’t offer.” Each viewer is given a razor-barbed electrode that is some core ideologies of the ther expects support from more the protests that we experienced jammed into the brainstem to facilitate trans-dimensional visual- movement are also pillars of the traditionally Liberal areas or is during our political awakening, ization. The probe can never be removed. American Right, the Tea Party attempting to branch out and ex- it is bound to be misunderstood Critics have called the probes a “gimmick” intended to cause is an expansive and national pand its appeal across the politi- and misrepresented to some hype and boost ticket sales, but fans see it as another example of group of laypeople, and as such cal spectrum. degree. However, it will be in Cameron’s desire to push the boundaries of cinema. According it doesn’t fi t as neatly into the This refusal to identify our best interest to understand to a Twitter News poll, 67 percent of moviegoers think that the Conservative category as some concretely with a set political the movement now for what it movie has a chance to win Best Picture at the 345th annual Acad- commentators might suggest. I party or side has become typi- is and what it aims to do, as the emy Awards in March. Golden War Machines of the Universe is discovered this for myself when cal of the Tea Party movement. Tea Party’s infl uence may be- Cameron’s fi rst fi lm since 2010’s Avatar. I attended a Tea Party protest Many protesters insist that the come very important to us in the -SB outside of Central Park. There movement isn’t solely against future. march 10, 2010 the paper page 7 Clean Up Sodexo Realer For the Sake of Social Justice and Your Tummy by Mickie Meinhardt extend into numerous allega- more places turn to cheap food ARTS CO-EDITOR tions of racism and unfair wages for cost cutting (Side note: the Fact: Fordham’s food sucks. against the company. owners, the Bellon family, are than The caf barely qualifi es as sus- CleanUpSodexo.com is a the 305th richest people in the tenance, requiring multiple website devoted entirely to re- world). Yet it continues to op- plates of things you don’t really vealing and correcting the un- pose unions for its 355,000 em- like and don’t feel satisfi ed af- derhanded practices of the inter- ployees. ter eating to make a ‘meal’; the national company. By posting Sodexo has also faced in- Deli and Grille grow old and violations of the supposed stan- numerable claims of discrimi- fester when you realize they sell dard of “social responsibility,” nation and unfair treatment to fact nearly the same things and none they reveal Sodexo’s continued its workers. Black employees of it could ever be described as hypocrisy. Among Sodexo’s had long faced segregation and quality; the Ramskeller is for false claims are: a “commit- barring from promotion within by Sean Bandfi eld, Sean Kelly, Alexander Gibbons, and Alex overpriced cereal and Stouffer’s ment to health and well-being,” the company, so much so that Orf (and let’s not pretend Dagger “leadership for diversity and in 2005 they fi led a race-bias STAFF TRUTHERS Johns really exists). It’s near- inclusion,” and a “longstanding suit for grievances from over ly impossible to get anything policy of non-retaliation that 3,000 workers between 1998 WICHITA, KS ~ We all know that wearing a chicken suit comes worth eating on and 2004. The case with certain inherent hazards. Small eyeholes and mouth slits re- campus, something settled for $80 million strict vision and respiration, and plush chicken feet can severely we all fi gured out in favor of the employ- limit agility in life-threatening situations. However, one more risk about two weeks ees and made Sodexo can now be added to this list: drive-by shootings. into freshman year agree to strict diversity Robert Hatter, like any honorable mascot, took his life into his and have swal- improvement stipula- hands and nobly put on a chicken suit in promotion of a Burger lowed as one of the tions, but the improve- Barn in Wichita, Kansas. While Hatter publicly attended to his shittier parts of col- ments have been mi- chickenly advertising duties, a car pulled up beside him and fi red lege that we’ll bury “Please, Sodexo, I nor and discrimination two rounds. Hatter was hit in the leg, and the car took off. His in- as soon as we move want a raise.” cases continue to rack juries were minor – the weapon was a pellet gun – and he returned to an apartment up. A recent example to his culinary post in honor only three hours later. and can buy our is that of Lyonel Dieu- While Hatter is no doubt a hero, he wouldn’t call himself lucky. own food. The real juste, a Haitian immi- “Lucky is the wrong word,” he said in good spirits. “I’m very problem, though, grant working at Ra- fortunate. Very fortunate.” Thanks for clearing up the confusion, lies more with So- mapo College of New Rob. dexo, the food-dis- Jersey. Dieujuste was While Wichita police have yet to apprehend the shooters, they tributing company a cook for seven years believe that they might be connected to another recent drive-by Father McShane so and an elected stew- incident. In the past year, shootings of Wichita mascots have risen wisely sold his soul ard (meaning he takes from none in 2009 to one in 2010. to, than it does with grievances to Sodexo -SB Fordham (sort of). management on behalf Sodexo is a of the workers) who NEW YORK, NY ~ Chef Daniel Angerer of Chelsea’s Klee French contracted brought up complaints Brasserie recently expanded his menu’s selection to include food distributor, one from many of his fel- cheese produced from his wife’s breast milk. Touting the new of the largest in the low employees that item as “Mommy’s Milk Cheese”, Angerer has incorporated the world, with prod- they felt discriminated new dairy treat into several of his menu items as well as posted ucts in over 30,000 against for being black the recipe and cooking method on his blog. The avant-garde chef sites in 80 coun- or speaking Spanish. stated that the milk used to make the cheese reminded him of tries, including pri- Soon after, manage- the cow’s milk that he used to drink as a child in Austria, and vate corporations, ment questioned him that the fi nished product is strikingly similar to raw cow’s milk government agencies, schools about his background cheese, only slightly sweeter. According to Angerer, two gallon’s from elementary through uni- ensures employees can safely and immigration papers, then of his wife’s breast milk yielded approximately two quarts of versity, hospitals and assisted- report their good-faith concerns inexplicitly fi red him. Lyonel Mommy’s Milk Cheese, which can serve a number of functions in living facilities, military bas- without fear of retribution.” In supports family back in Haiti, the kitchen and be served with anything from beets and romaine es, and correctional facilities reality, Sodexo’s workers are family that are in dire need af- to cooked porcini mushrooms. The decision to use human milk (meaning we get the same food paid about $8.27 an hour, mean- ter the recent earthquake, yet in the production of this new cheese was hailed by PETA, who as nursing homes and prisons). ing they make just over $17,000 the company refuses to reinstate have long spoken out against factory farmed dairy products and It has an enormously well- a year – not enough to afford the him even though at the recent have repeatedly appealed to the Oedipal side of the Ben & Jerry’s funded public relations division health insurance the company shareholders meeting in Paris company, petitioning them to use human breast milk in their ice and exerts massive amounts of offers and about fi ve grand shy the offi cials had a ‘moment of cream products energy promoting its image, of the U.S. poverty line. Work- silence’ for the victims in Haiti -SPK likely in an attempt to mask its ers scrape to make ends meet and announced they “recognize shitty food. We’ve all seen the unless they are unionized, a that a large number of [their] COLUMBIA, MO ~ A SWAT team busted into a Missouri home, colorful banners of fresh fruit practice the company fi ghts so employees are Haitian and take claiming to have knowledge that led them to believe there was and vegetables that DO NOT heavily that this January a group part in their sorrow and in the a large amount of marijuana on the premises. Upon entrance, EXIST but still encourage us of workers and union organizers pain of their families.” Right. the SWAT team encountered a pit bull, which they promptly de- to eat healthy, the themed “in- from the U.S., UK, and Europe But Lyonel doesn’t count since cided was “uncontrollably aggressive.” The team shot and killed ternational” days that are ei- traveled to the company’s head- he might say what’s really going the dog, continued on into the house, and shot another dog they ther salmonella-ridden seafood, quarters in Paris during the an- on, right? encountered, this one a corgi (which are about 12 inches long probably paella, or little turds of nual shareholder’s meeting to Between being unable to af- and absolutely adorable). All of this happened in front of the ho- General Tso’s that taste exactly protest for higher wages and fair ford to take sick days and fac- meowner’s seven year old child. SWAT members then arrested like they look. We fi ll out the treatment (results are unknown, ing little possibility of either Jon Whitworth, suspected drug dealer. The SWAT team expected comment cards with nothing but as no contracts or statements promotion or unionization, So- to fi nd large amounts of marijuana ready for distribution on the complaints, yet never see an im- were made). dexo perpetuates the cycle of property. They also expected Whitworth to be armed, which he provement – Sodexo is largely Higher wages are a neces- poverty by employing so many wasn’t. After searching the home, police offi cers found a small concerned with mass production sity, especially for schools and and treating them as expend- amount of marijuana, a grinder, and a bowl. Whitworth is being and not at all with satisfaction. university employees who don’t able parts in its profi t machine. charged with possession of drug paraphernalia and child endan- It has been criticized worldwide have jobs for three months of For information on how to help germent, because, as everyone knows, a father who smokes pot for its protracted image of “hap- the year during summer vaca- improve conditions (for both is a greater risk to his child’s health than a SWAT team that dis- piness” and “diversity,” neither tion. The company has more the employees and your gas- charges fi rearms into said child’s dog’s head. of which it provides. However, than enough money for increas- tronomical system) go to www. -AG while a lack of “happiness” only es – last year it raked in $20 bil- cleanupsodexo.org; if we pay amounts to making college stu- lion in profi t, and the current re- for it, we can help take part in dents fat and/or crap every 45 cession has actually boosted the changing it. minutes, their “diversity” issues company’s revenue by 7.1% as page 8 the paper march 10, 2010 Right to Strife by Eamon Stewart good chance it will fuck a lot of upon the mother. Other states sticking point because the law Second, the defi nition of STAFF STILL ANGRY things up. Utah, the state known have laws regarding induced applies to women in all stages “reckless” that the law provides On the national scale, fewer for its snow, its Mormons, and miscarriages, but there are only of pregnancy – meaning that a is the vaguest fucking thing issues seem to be more divisive its inappropriately named bas- legal repercussions against third “reckless” miscarriage could you’ve ever heard, allowing and diffi cult to pass legislation ketball team, has approved a parties (so in the above ex- result in a murder charge com- loopholes to charge pregnant on than abortion. Diffi cult be- law that would criminalize a ample, the man who received pletely independent of what tri- women whose miscarriages re- cause of the extreme pro-lifers pregnant woman’s “reckless” whopping fi nancial compensa- mester the miscarriage occurred sulted from things such as not and pro-choicers, who would behavior if it results in a mis- tion to beat up this poor woman in, leading us once again down wearing seat belts in car acci- rather chant rehearsed incoher- carriage. As unusual laws like would typically be the only one the road to the wonderful and dents and returning to abusive ent slogans and beat each other this go, its precedent is a bizarre who could be tried as a crimi- intellectually stimulating debate spouses with murder. Instead of with protest signs than having and unfortunate ex- of what exactly providing a woman with psychi- meaningful discussion and de- ample of social ills: constitutes life, and atric care and counseling after bate. Diffi cult because of the it is based on the therefore murder. she’s had a miscarriage because Supreme Court, who is content case of a pregnant This debate really her husband punched her in the to alter prior rulings with new seventeen year-old could be a thought- stomach for the seventh time ones that don’t give much in who paid a man ful and informative in the last month, she may be the way of clarity. And diffi - $150 to beat her, one if modern sci- formally charged with murder. cult because of all the individ- hoping that she ence and experts Euphemistically speaking, this ual state legislatures, each with would miscarry. It in the fi eld were is kind of really fucked up. And their own set of criteria for what is not clear what consulted, but it’s while some in Utah’s congress determines life, which kinds of the exact situation based more upon have assured that this isn’t the procedures constitute murder of the teen was – the formerly men- intent of the bill, the law still and which do not, at what point whether or not she tioned psychotic opens itself up for this kind of Idiots... all of ‘em. the health risks are too danger- had utilized any pro-lifers and pro- interpretation, meaning any ous for the mother, and so on. medical resources, choicers whom, overzealous prosecutor could Perhaps it’s better that the states had consulted her family at any nal). This new law places legal after hearing some snippet of take advantage of it as such. It handle this issue individually; time about her predicament, responsibility on the carrying information about fetal devel- amounts to lazy legal writing, maybe abortion is too compli- or if she had been offered any mother above any external par- opment from a similarly unreli- which is something kind of dis- cated of an issue for our mas- counseling. It’s debatable that ties that may be involved. The able friend who shares their ex- turbing considering that it’s an sively bloated and ineffi cient the Utah congress, a heavily reasoning here is that the moth- act same view, adopt the point already divisive issue. federal government to handle. male conglomerate who have er of the fetus plays the single of view that life most defi nitely So the national debate, That might be true, but it also no understanding of the utter greatest role in the well being of begins at week whatever and which is already horrendous, is allows loophole-riddled laws to euphoria that must be experi- said fetus, so in any unforeseen then proceeds to write this on about to get even more stupid. pass at the lower level, endan- enced by every teen mother, issues that may arise, she should a sign that they wave and hit We can expect to hear more gering those who perform abor- acted properly by deciding that primarily be responsible. This people with at one of their ral- about angry sign waving, more tions or the women who choose the best remedy for this kind of leads to the two things that are lies. One can only assume that about indecipherable Supreme to have them in whatever state situation is to try the woman as going to piss off a lot of people. Utah’s congress is loaded with Court rulings, and more legal they live. a murderer (yes, that is possible First, the law opens up the these kinds of people, because wrangling among the states One such bill looks prepped and I’ll get to it later). possibility that women who they’re going to be arguing over what defi nes life, murder, to pass, and if it does there’s a This is the fi rst case of po- break this law can be charged about shit like this in the near and humane treatment. Thanks tential criminal punishment with murder. This becomes a future. a lot, Utah. Scientology: Worse Than You Thought Prominent Former Members Speak Out Against the Church’s Rights Abuses by Alex Orf tory and the present situation is, ating procedure inside the Sci- And it didn’t help that his living she was a “suppressive.” Their NEWS CO-EDITOR in a word, terrifying. At times it entology organization itself, conditions were unsustainable. superiors went so far as to deny At some point in the course sounds like mediocre summer fi ltering down from Miscavige Life inside Sea Org entailed their importance and contribu- of high school, everyone has a blockbuster political thriller through the ranks. Rathbun working up to 16 hours a day, tion: church spokesman Tommy run-in with a paranoid, conspir- about an evil corporation bent and Rinder admit both to being sleep deprivation, $50 a week Davis claimed of defectors, acy theory-spouting friend of a on bringing the U.S. govern- Miscavige’s personal punching paychecks, and psychologi- “since they’re removed, the friend who loves to rant about ment to its knees: a twenty- bags and beating on their infe- cal and emotional abuse in the church is expanding like never everyone’s favorite sci-fi fan- year battle with the IRS to gain riors – sometimes a slap on the name of proving one’s devotion before, and what we see is evi- tasy multimillion-dollar corpo- tax-exempt status involving an head, sometimes as extreme as to the church – the last point go- dence of the fact that we’re defi - ration, Scientology. Mine came Scientologist mole in the gov- tackling someone down a fl ight ing as far as Miscavige forcing nitely better off without them.” one night half-way through ernment agency, a Scientolo- of stairs – at Miscavige’s com- Sea Org members to play musi- Addressing the claims of de- junior year: a skinny, grungy- gist secret intelligence agency mand. The climate inside the cal chairs to decide who would fectors, Davis has said that they looking fellow that accompa- called the Guardian’s Offi ce, church organization is one of be relocated to other projects, or are all lies, and that the former nied my friend to a party struck large scale smear campaigns, complete, unquestioning obe- intimidating pregnant Sea Org executives really just want to up a conversation with me, and double-crossings within the dience, and since Rathbun and members . overthrow Miscavige and take it wasn’t long before he started church itself. But in the end, it is Rinder have come forward, This kind of degradation oc- control of the church. In addi- ranting about how Scientolo- a story about one deranged man: more “defectors” from Scientol- curred on all levels of the Sci- tion, Davis has used confi den- gists are buying pharmaceutical current Scientologist leader Da- ogy have started sharing their entologist hierarchy: Scobee, tial confessions from “auditing” companies to distribute drugs vid Miscavige. experiences. a defected former executive, sessions – interviews where that don’t work and killing Coming to power at the Two such defectors that explained of Miscavige’s view Scientologists confess their anyone who speaks out against age of 26 after the death of L. have come forward are Chris of his subordinates, “He’s the transgressions in order to purge them. While I have not been Ron Hubbard in 1986 (in the and Christie Collbran, a mar- ‘savior’ of everything because themselves of negative emo- able to confi rm the accuracy of announcement of his pass- ried couple who were recruited he has to bail everybody out tion – to fuel smear campaigns this dude’s claims, recent reve- ing, Miscavige said the author/ as teenagers into Sea Organiza- because we’re all incompetent against them. In the face of se- lations about the inner workings founder had “moved on to a tion, or Sea Org, an elite, Na- assholes… You don’t have any rious accusations, Miscavige of the Scientologist hierarchy new level of research”), Mis- vy-esque corps that keeps the money. You don’t have any job and Davis continue to preach have created a picture perhaps cavige quickly consolidated Church of Scientology running. experience. And he could put the perfect happiness of Scien- less extreme, but no less fright- power by stealing Hubbard’s The two met in Johannesburg, you on the streets and ruin you.” tology and to spend hundreds ening. last writings from his competi- where they worked promoting In the Collbrans’ case, their of millions of dollars building The stories about what goes tion. Once he possessed these and maintaining the Church of disillusionment earned them and renovating churches. But on in the business that is Scien- “sacred scriptures,” Miscavige Scientology in South Africa. six months apart, both working despite their unwillingness to tology started coming out last quickly developed a little bit of While there, Chris Collbran menial labor jobs in Los Ange- acknowledge their mistakes, year, when the St. Petersburg a Jesus complex, proclaiming noticed the atmosphere of su- les, before they had to pay over the small minority from within Times ran a three-part series on himself the anointed one chosen pervision through intimidation $10,000 in “freeloader bills” Scientology willing to speak out the “religion” featuring lengthy to awaken the world to the mes- and its effect on himself and his and turn in a written confession against it without fear means revelations from Marty Rathbun sage of Scientology – and ver- coworkers, and began to grow of all their transgressions. On that, hopefully, that dude from and Mike Rinder, two former bally or physically assaulting disillusioned with the church’s top of all that, still-active mem- high school can stop worrying high-level church executives. anyone within the church who mission when he learned of his bers are expected to cut off all about being smothered in his The information they have re- suggested otherwise. superiors lying to Miscavige communication with any defec- sleep. vealed about the church’s his- In fact, physical abuse about the small membership tors; Christie’s parents have not seems to be the standard oper- of the church in Johannesburg. spoken to her since they learned editorials march 10, 2010 the paper page 9 University Fails To Address the paper’s view Sexual Assault and Harassment by Caroline Egan sential information regarding a actively support efforts to edu- STAFF JUSTICE serious health and psychologi- cate their students about sexual march 10, 2010 emember the 5 minutes cal threat on college campuses. assault and rape, and more im- Rof sexual assault and rape This link brings you to in- portantly, prevent such things prevention information we re- formation mostly focused on from happening. A Third Party Argument for ceived during orientation? polices at Fordham. Nowhere is With so much apathy pres- No? I’m not surprised. The there information about what to ent at the administrative levels Free Speech On Campus program Fordham adopted as do if you’ve been date raped, the of universities, the organization a means to teach prevention is defi nition of date rape (a very SAFER, which stands for Stu- ittle has been said about moral lessons, and their insis- called C.A.R.E., which stands common occurrence on col- dents Active for Ending Rape, LUSG’s Maroon Square tence on micromanaging every for Campus Assault and Re- lege campuses) or how to help a has dedicated itself to helping proposal since it was handed off single aspect of student life is lationship Prevention. You re- friend who has been date raped student activist examine and to the Student Life Committee an open act of condescension. ceived a copy of the pamphlet or sexually assaulted. However, take the proper and effective in November. Like many pre- Students don’t need to be bab- at orientation, and if you are if you do need to know how steps toward changing their vious issues on campus, Ma- ysat, and Maroon Square was lucky enough to live in univer- many women have falsely cried schools programs. The website, roon Square failed to gain the supposed to be a place where sity owned housing you also rape, you will fi nd that informa- safercampus.org, gives com- attention of a large portion of students advocate and demon- received a little booklet that tion fairly easily in comparison. prehensive information on, not the student body. We’d like to strate on campus sans adminis- says “Preventing sexual harass- How is that possible? only what constitutes a better think this wasn’t a result of stu- trative pedantry. ment: What is sexual harass- Well sadly, my dear Ford- sexual assault policy, but how to dent apathy, but since The Ram Administrators think a free ment? What should you do if ham peers, the university has go about improving an existing and the paper both ran lead speech zone on campus would an incident occurs? A statement failed you. It has failed to edu- program, complete with a mas- news stories about the Maroon create an unrealistic outlook of of policy.” This book features cate and prevent sexual assault sive checklist of areas to look at Square proposal months ago, post-college life, since there are minimal information with se- and rape from occurring on this and two year plan that gives a we can’t entirely debunk this. demonstration policies in the lected words like “well-being” campus. Have you ever noticed week by week aide for students It would have been nice real world. True, if the a group and “discuss” in maroon and how there is no week dedicated evaluating their programs. if students had stepped forth, of protestors wanted to parade enlarged font to emphasize to prevention? It is never even In addition to guiding stu- united, and voiced their sup- down Central Park West they’d their importance. None dent groups through pol- port of Maroon Square (we saw have to petition city council of these words are es- icy reform, SAFER has some you at the USG meeting). weeks, maybe months in ad- sential to understand- partnered with V-Day, a The problem with this line of vance. But the plan also never ing sexual assault; they global movement to end reasoning is there is no stu- called for the dismantling of are there just to make it violence against women dent unity at Fordham because the demonstration policy, so more a dramatic pam- and children, to form the there is no student commu- those students who wanted phlet. Campus Accountability nity. A community of students administrative aid could still While fl ipping Project (CAP) that will use requires a community space seek it. Rather, Maroon Square through the pages of their database of schools (An no, Fordham, the Ultimate is to provide a forum for more this booklet, you will policies to provide a clear Dining Marketplace and dorm spontaneous protests, the kind fi nd a page dedicated to view of how colleges are lounges don’t count). Maroon which cannot give two week’s “examples of sexual ha- really doing to prevent Square was the fi rst step in cre- notice—which does, in fact, rassment.” Four short, sexual assault. SAFER’s ating such spaces on campus. happen from time to time in the ambiguous descriptions overall goal for this proj- In the year 2010 it is whol- “real world.” are listed. The answers ect is for “sexual assault ly ridiculous for students at an Administrators predict that are actually defi nitions policies [to] become one upstanding university to not be spontaneous demonstrations of sexual assault. As- of the many aspects of granted a forum to publicly, and policies will take the Uni- sault and harassment campus culture that are freely, and spontaneously ex- versity community by surprise, are extraordinarily dif- rated and integrated into press their ideas and opinions. making ultra-smooth damage ferent things, yet the college ranking systems, But it’s not fair for the paper control necessary. This reason- booklet does not indi- applying even more pres- to blame the student body for ing seems to have much less to cate this at all. talked about. The defi nition of sure on schools to implement the administration’s trouncing do with any logistical or moral Let’s say you threw this sexual assault and how to pre- better policies.” Accountability of the Maroon Square proposi- concern, but rather highlights pamphlet away or do not have vent such traumatic experiences in schools needs to be an impor- tion. It was, after all, SLC that their concern that, God forbid, one, so you go to the school’s was mashed in between security tant part of our academic expe- prevented USG from establish- a group of prospective students webpage to inquire about sexual information and Peer Educa- riences. ing a free-speech zone. What or investors witness acts of dis- harassment, sexual assault or tion’s drinking info session in Why is this important you we want to know is why. sent or controversy on a col- rape. The logical locations for Core Programming. The worst may ask? Because no one, not The reasons that forced lege campus. Essentially, Ford- this information would be in one four hours of your life freshman a man or woman, at Fordham or USG to give up the Maroon ham wants our campus looking of two sections of the webpage: year. Because of course, sexual anywhere else, should be sexu- Square plan altogether are con- pristine and collegiate at all the health center or psychologi- assault and rape only happen ally assault or raped. Sexual descending and antithetical to times, kids. So shut the fuck up cal and counseling services tabs. when we are drunk. violence is a serious issue and at Jesuit values. Administrators and go play Frisbee on Eddie’s. However, you fi nd yourself out Unfortunately, this is not an institute of higher education, claim are scared a free-speech the paper will be keeping of luck after thoroughly search- just a problem at Fordham. This it should be considered intolera- zone will invite hate speech to its sight on next year’s USG ing these two parts of the site. has become a nationwide issue. ble and outrageous. One in four be expressed openly on cam- administration, making sure Maybe it’s in the Res Life sec- Universities and colleges are girls will be a survivor of rape pus. If anything, a free-speech they’ve got their priorities tion, or perhaps even security. failing their students in taking or attempted rape by the time zone would be an area where straight. Free speech is an is- At this point, the diffi culty of sexual assault prevention seri- they graduate. ONE IN FOUR. hateful prejudices can be con- sue at Fordham. Students need fi nding the information is infu- ously. Last week the Center of This is a terrifying statistic. As fronted and denigrated. Were a location to gather and discuss riating, especially for someone Public Integrity (CPI) launched a student body, we need to de- the free-speech zone did invite campus, world, and commu- who has been a victim of as- the second series in a three-part mand a better program and eas- hateful contributors, those stu- nity issues. sault. The search engine is your investigative report on cam- ier accessibility to more useful, dents would be held account- Hold your administration next best bet, but if you type in pus sexual assault, exposing comprehensive information on able for hate speech, which is accountable, Fordham. Hold “sexual assault,” the fi rst result what they call the “culture of our school site in order that we not considered free speech, yourselves accountable. The fi - is Conduct Standards under the indifference.” This culture of may truly be “men and women as anyone with a high school nal meeting between USG and security page. The second is an- indifference not only refers to for others” in an environment knowledge of Civics knows. SLC will be taking place later nual security report, followed the lack of disciplinary action which promotes safety, support Ignoring bigotry does not solve in March, after spring break. by an outrageously offensive taken against perpetrators of and respect us. it, but confronting bigotry in a If any Fordham students want “How Often Do Women Falsely sexual assault and rape, but the public forum invites the cam- their opinions heard in the time Cry Rape?” This is followed by serious lack of sexual assault If you are interested in pus community to discuss these between, we suggest you get to a link to the handbook on crimi- training for security personnel, reforming Fordham’s policy issues and advocate awareness. e-mailing. The Offi ce of Stu- nal law exams. The fi fth link is residence advisors and even the and prevention efforts, please Administrators think that dent Affairs is a good place to Sexual Harassment Prevention. administrators who handle the contact Caroline Egan at: without their guidance students start. By this point you have clicked judicial aspects of assault. Ad- [email protected] are deprived of constructive more than ten times to fi nd es- ditionally, most schools do not page 10 the paper march 10, 2010 Kindle Kills Casual Conversation Commuting Connections? Kindle Can’t Compete by Nick Murray yet not a single person ever in- LCD screen, no matter how they did, that’s where the book What, then, is the Kindle STAFF DUSTY TOME quired as to what I was looking many pixels it contains, can would still be: on her Kindle. if not an oversized Game Boy Over the course of my life, at until a couple of girls in the never re-create. On the subway, too, books for intellectuals and commut- I have for some reason, against cafeteria saw a copy of Carl Despite their reputation as a create a community— an un- ing yuppies? It may be useful or all empirical evidence, deluded Wilson’s entry in the 33 1/3 se- sign of isolation or loneliness, acknowledged community but convenient or even stylish, but myself into believing that if I ries— a monograph on Celine books are, at their heart, com- a community nonetheless. In these facts only distract from read interesting books and am Dion’s magnum opus Let’s Talk munal objects. A good book this community, you are sur- the object’s true nature. That’s seen reading interesting books, About Love— sitting next to my might be as fun to read as to rounded by people about whom why, for me, the ebook reader then interesting people— or, hummus wrap. give away. As much as you may you know nothing yet who will never replace the simple more importantly, interesting “We’re really big Celine have enjoyed it, you’re sure its have, perhaps inadvertently, of- book, even if fans of a certain girls—will like me. Or at least fans,” they told me before I recipient will relish it just as fered you a window into their Canadian diva will be the only fi nd me interesting. I fi rst tested explained that the book was much. Then, hopefully, they’ll thoughts. They may even be se- ones to notice. this hypothesis in the seventh the author’s attempt to come continue the cycle. cretly hoping that you’ll talk to grade when I brought a copy to terms with his hatred of the Ten Christmases ago, my them about what they’re read- of Michael Moore’s Stupid songstress and understand the cousins gave an aunt a copy of ing. White Men to English class. My nature of musical taste. We Roger Ebert’s Book of Film. Chicks can’t see teacher, an old, bearded man had a nice conversation, but it After I spent much of a recent what you’re who would be intimidating if he wasn’t exactly what I had al- Christmas at her house, in her li- reading on your weren’t so funny, asked to see it. ways hoped for. brary, devouring the entries, she Kindle He then read aloud Moore’s list Despite this track record, gladly passed it on to me. To my of the fi rst fi ve women he saw I maintain that the symbolic knowledge, the anthology cur- naked. The philistines in my function of books— though ob- rently rests on a bookshelf a few class were unmoved. viously secondary to their liter- feet from a friend’s bed. During Nevertheless, I’ve contin- ary value— is still important. each exchange all that was of- ued carrying around my books Beyond facilitating my nerdish fered in return was a conversa- and magazines, reading them in fantasy (which is a scenario, tion, and that was more than any coffee shops and on subways, I know, that sounds more like of the givers could have asked or, if I’m feeling particularly something out of a Cameron for. romantic, on park benches. I’ve Crowe movie than anything Looking back, I’m thankful read Kafka and Camus, G.W.F. bearing a resemblance to real that my cousins didn’t give— Hegel and Judith Butler, The life), words printed on paper couldn’t give—my aunt a copy Believer and Sports Illustrated; have a certain essence that an of the book on her Kindle. If get with the times, plebians!

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I-pad: Unnecesary Toy or Unnecesary Gadget? by Dan Yacovino released a product that would be a purpose— it just overlaps nu- promised each of the fi ve top moan, so shut up about it. STAFF LUDDITE something my dad would want. merous sectors. publishing companies that it Looking at the whole thing OMG OMG OMG OMG Weird. It is a gorgeous slab of Apple’s big thing for its would work on a 70/30 model from a few steps back: if you OMG OMG omgomgomg technology, but outside of us- new baby is its break into the and that ebooks could be sold want it, buy it; if you don’t want Steve Jobs announced some- ing it as a coffee table computer ebook market, once dominated around $15 a pop rather than it, don’t buy it. Of course how thing! Picture this: a revolution- or novelty conversation piece by Kindles and Nooks and other the $9.99 that Amazon has many of us can afford to drop ary input method, svelte design I don’t really see any been peddling. $500 on a low-end model when and a base of users who will eat use for it. How do Now some would when we make the choice be- it up. Mix them all together and you even type on the lament that the tween beer and food at the end you have the iPhone launch in thing? You defi nitely movement to- of the month? My bet is not 2007. Cool huh? People were can’t stand and use wards books on many. It’s that simple and all taken aback by the new phone, a full hand, and you Need we say more? screens will kill the hype and argument over the “multitouch” capacitive input can’t thumb it like an the publishing in- purpose of the iPad, the stupid and the one, lonely button. It iPhone; it’s just awk- dustry, but honest- name, the largifi ed-iPhone-ness, was unheard of. Flash forward ward to use. You have ly, how is a screen are all moot points. Yeah it’s to 2010 and you have the exact all the apps on the app going to destroy cool, but it’s not worth more same thing, except this time it’s store. That’s cool. a book? The vast than a bat of the eye. If it wasn’t bigger. Not bigger as in hype, You can play Words majority of people an Apple product then most or in desire, but in physical size. With Friends, a Scrab- prefer to hold a people wouldn’t care, but Steve Why bother? ble derivation, rather book, turn physi- Jobs and his patented Reality Steve Jobs, a man whose than break out your old dusty black-and-white tree-pulp sub- cal pages and make notes in Distortion Field™ have a way company is lauded by artists, board games. That’s also cool. stitutes. The Cupertino com- the margin. The iPad will not of warping our needs and wants, hipsters, men in suits on Wall But in the end it just proves that pany played a tough hand dur- unravel 5,000 years of writ- effectively blurring the line be- Street, and the 20-something the iPad is only a wayward child ing the announcement that put ten word no matter how much tween purposeful and pointless. laptop-wielding demographic lost in the void. It doesn’t fulfi ll Amazon.com into a bind. Apple paper-enthusiasts whine and march 10, 2010 the paper page 11 Chat Roulette: Like The Russian Version, But With More Dicks by Aly Kravitz can hear you speak, or you can nas Brothers, Justin Beiber and in dire need of sunlight and real one nexts her she gets dressed STAFF VOYEUR mute it and type into a text box both Paris and Perez Hilton. friends. We obviously made up and does it all over again? May- So I was sitting at my (you’re “you” and the other per- What would you all do if Jus- a bunch of stuff, telling people be once she’s already naked friend’s apartment on a typical son is “stranger,” which auto- tin Beiber popped up on your we were from Finland, China, she just stays that way? I can’t Saturday night, waving at peo- matically ups the creepy factor). screen? Tell him recess is al- Australia or Poland. Most of believe I’m even contemplat- ple across the room through the Any time things get boring, or, most over and then it’s naptime? them made stuff up too (except ing these questions! This site is haze, deciding whether to make more likely, things get sketchy (Me too.) for one guy who was defi nitely ridiculous. the trek to Pugsley’s or just or- and awkward, you in Brazil and This may be old news to a der and have it delivered— the can hit a “next” defi nitely didn’t lot of you, but since I just dis- usual. Suddenly my friend stood button and you get believe we were covered it I’m still fascinated. up and proposes we play a game disconnected and in South Africa). On the one hand, it’s hilari- of Chat Roulette. Naturally I’m connected to a new And of course we ous—you see some funny stuff excited—I love board games. partner. This is Sky- saw some dicks. and have some interesting con- You can only imagine my sur- pe mixed with equal One guy was in versations. On the other hand, prise when he plugged his com- portions voyeurism full masturbation it’s so creepy! Who are all these puter into the TV and brought and exhibitionism, “ I think I’m mode when our people and why are they sitting up a screen with someone else garnished sporadi- allergic... camera connected in the dark on a Saturday night staring back at us. I leaned over cally with a dash of or something” to his—naturally on Chat Roulette? (Alright, al- to one of my friends who was good conversation. we screamed like right— that may be a pretty waving emphatically at the be- Every time I little girls and dumb question for all those wildered guy surveying our par- bring up Chat Rou- immediately hit middle-aged men out there). ty. “What is this?” I whispered lette someone in- next. He may Another scary proposition to in her ear. “Chat Roulette, duh,” evitably chimes in have been a sick consider is what’s going to she whispered back. “Haven’t “yeah, that’s the exhibitionist, come next—Chat Roulette can you done this before?” website with all the but it must be now be added to the growing I guess I’ve been out of the dicks.” And, indeed, said that he did list of social websites that are loop on this for a while. It seems the website is best an impressive connecting the world around us like everyone but me knows known for men mas- job positioning like never before. All I know is Chat Roulette, and has the crazy turbating on camera. the camera. The that, although it’s an interesting stories to show for it. Since that Since Chat Roulette craziest one was experience, I’m probably not Saturday I’ve been intrigued by lacks the censors of sites like Last night two friends and I this Japanese woman that com- going to be going on it alone. I this website and all of the people YouTube, pretty much anything decided to go on the site and see pletely stripped on screen. She prefer living on the edge like my that use it. If this is as foreign goes. I mean anything—from what we could come up with. We started with jeans and a shirt good friend Perez Hilton, who to you as it was to me a week stripping to debates on the fi ner settled on my bed with a box of and ended with...well, nothing. recently tweeted “I’m hardcore ago, I’ll explain. Chatroulette. points of Liberalism. And you Thin Mints, my laptop, and high I almost fell off my bed trying yo...I play Chat Roulette in real com is a website where you get could get connected to pretty expectations. Chat Roulette did to push the next button, but a LIFE. I just walk around and randomly assigned to another much anyone. There have been not disappoint. The majority of certain male friend (who will go chat with whoever like its noth- person to video chat with. You multiple celebrity sightings, in- the people we got connected to unnamed) was holding the com- in’. Word.” can enable the sound so they cluding Ashton Kutcher, the Jo- were younger guys who looked puter. Do you think after some- A Spiritual Meathead Contemplates the Self by Chris Gramuglia essentially nihil ex nihilo: noth- to ponder awareness, not just of physics looks a little trashy, you ever heard someone say STAFF BRAINS’n’BRAWN ing from nowhere. our surroundings and ourselves, so we’re going to hold out for something like “Oh, it was on The other day I was doing I was quick to make this but of our own thoughts. Yes, someone better. What I’m get- the tip of my tongue.” or “I just my usual thing in the gym and assumption, but after giving it what I’m getting at here is quite ting at here is that, we are very couldn’t fi nd the words.” As I sit moving around some heavy some more thought while tak- simply, “thinking about think- much in charge of ourselves here and write this article, I type stuff, when, suddenly, I thought, ing in the gorgeous winter land- ing.” It’s diffi cult to conceive when we live consciously and a few words, stop, take some Why am I doing this? Wouldn’t scape at Rose Hill, I began to see but it seems like there’s sort of with discipline. People who live out, look for some better ones, it be easier to just sit in front of things in a different light. The a Hegelian occurrence going unaware and act purely on im- and continue. My feeling on this the TV and eat a stick of raw “blankness” of the initial human on inside of us, in that I mean pulse are indeed merely “blank is that when someone searches cookie dough instead? mind, to me, is not blankness so there is a master consciousness, slates” that have been scribbled for a word in their mind, or de- Upon fi nishing up my last much as it is a beautiful, limit- and a slave consciousness. The on with the clashing crayons of ciphers a math problem, they few sets I began exploring some- less potential. I realized that our slave consciousness, to me, is their impulses and the environ- are no doubt searching for the thing I remembered from a high brains are so complex, and are the one that tells us we’re hun- ment. Mindfulness has been electrical charge within a syn- school psychology class--John such wonderfully intricate tools gry, we want sleep, and that we around for centuries, and when aptic gap in their brain in which Locke’s tabula rasa theory. In that what we are capable of as want to get busy with some girl practiced to a great degree, the answer is encoded, but that’s short, this theory claims that thinking, conscious beings, is from physics, and the master seems to transcend much of just it--they must search for it. all people are born with a mind an incredible freedom that can‘t consciousness is the one that what we assume about our own The “they” I’m referring to is, comparable to a “blank slate” be replicated. Even the most says, we shouldn’t eat because method of thought. In fact, the of course, the Self. and develop logic and reason advanced supercomputer in the we need to lose weight, we can’t age-old practice of being mind- Try it next time you’re mind through our sensory input over world can’t compete with the sleep because we have a paper ful is currently used to treat a seems to be running wild. Sepa- time, a very “nurture” approach processing speed and precision to do, and that the girl from whole host of psychological dis- rate yourself from your own to the popular debate. At fi rst I of the average human brain. Af- orders stemming from suicidal thoughts, slow down and ask was a little disappointed. This ter all, humans invented com- depression to substance abuse. what do these thoughts mean to theory seems to imply that the puters. I remember reading once In case it isn’t clear, Wikipedia you? With some practice, I think “Chris Gramuglia” that loves to in a book called Understanding I think, (oh, how I love it), provides the you’ll see what I mean. I place lift weights, eat steak, and write Media: The Extensions of Man, therefore I am following explanation: “De- special emphasis on the word sappy, romantic, overly-senti- that technology is an extension scribed as a calm awareness “you”, because this is the most mental fi ction is really not any- of ourselves. Yet, it has never ... therefore, of one’s body functions, feel- important facet of what I am one at all, but an empty vessel been able to replicate the hu- I lift ings, content of consciousness, getting at when I talk about the shaped by random experiences- man brain in a perfect, identical or consciousness itself, it is the Self. There lies a vast difference -the Marxist ideal. The notions fashion. seventh element of the Noble between our inner-Self and the of destiny and fate all get tossed Our brains evolved; there is Eightfold Path, the practice of rampant, uncontrolled thoughts out the window, along with nat- no doubt of that, but in such a which supports analysis result- we have and to conclude I’d like ural ability and intrinsic talent. way that we can conceptualize ing in the development of wis- to say, in the spirit of Locke to You and me are the products of the very fact that inside of our dom.” all the “blank slates” wander- an environment that we have skulls there exists that spongy I also found something in- ing around, be mindful and so subconsciously absorbed during organ that makes us, well, us. teresting in writing and math- become the cultivator of your our lives. In essence, we are all Given this notion, I started ematical reason as well. Have own soul. page 12 the paper march 10, 2010 American Apparel’s Latest Ass-vertisement ‘Best Bottom’ contest is faux-gressivism at it’s best! by Emily Genetta ney’s sexual impropriety was year, three sexual harassment of the photographs used in the people continue to shop at AA: EXECUTIVE CO-EDITOR subsumed by an appreciation lawsuits were fi led against the ads feature girls in bed; they they see Charney as their faux- Like Uggs and Tim Bur- for the company’s vertically- company, all accusing Charney were shot by him. It was clear gressive king. A faux-gressive, ton’s work, American Apparel integrated, humane approach to of using demeaning and sexual by 2005 that Charney’s ads were for those who don’t know, is is something that we should manufacturing. By controlling language. Two allege that Char- indicative of other, wider abus- someone who’s progressive in have started hating a decade all aspects of production, AA ney exposed himself. One ac- es of subordinates. His attitude some areas and regressive in ago. That’s the earliest year for avoids outsourcing jobs to over- cuses him of inviting the plain- about sexual entitlement fi ltered others, i.e. the majority of peo- which I could fi nd a printed ex- seas ‘sweatshops’ and instead tiff to masturbate with him and down through the company; ple who identify as progressive. ample of AA’s skeevy ad cam- employs its own factory work- reveals that he ran meetings in other supervisors were accused This depresses the shit out of paign. Reads the copy from one ers, paying them a relatively of pursuing relationships with me. But the growing anger at 2000 ad, “American Apparel is high wage and providing ben- In lieu of the titular ad, we’ll their employees and reward- American Apparel, exemplifi ed a progressive and innovative efi ts. Maybe ten years ago, the show you the guy who shot it. ing them with promotions. by the recent protest in NoHo manufacturer committed to pro- ethical cost-benefi t ratio of sup- Still, many people continued and the vandalism in Williams- ducing quality T-shirts (and re- porting American Apparel was to support American Apparel burg, indicates that people are lated garments such as panties) in the company’s favor; but as until last year, when a certain beginning to recognize the hy- […]”. Above the text are two the years have passed, it’s be- quote by Charney fi nally con- pocrisy that Charney espouses. photographs of a scantily-clad, come clear that those earliest vinced a number of purport- People are fi nally beginning to pubescent-looking girl— one of ads were indicative of a deeply edly-progressive customers to realize that American Apparel them with a man. That man is unsettling trend of sexual ha- shop elsewhere. “Women ini- is not the only alternative to the the company’s CEO, Dov Char- rassment within the company, tiate most domestic violence, Gap; there are other places to ney. You’d think that appear- tipping the ethical scale— in yet out of a thousand cases of get a damn t-shirt, like, say, a ing with your young, half-naked my opinion, anyway— towards domestic violence, maybe one thrift store. Thrifting has a net- models would be a bad move as a boycott. is involving a man,” Charney positive impact on the environ- a CEO, that it would scare off The fi rst sign that something claimed. ment, does not support any in- potential investors and custom- was seriously fucked-up about his house, wearing next to noth- American Apparel’s cur- dustry, and provides retail jobs ers. But 2000 was a successful Charney— you know, besides ing. Another alleges that Char- rent campaign searching for the for people in the community. year for the company, mark- the ads— was in 2004, when he ney asked for new employees “Best Bottom in the World” is Granted, it may be hard to fi nd ing massive growth for AA as performed oral sex on a female with whom he could have sex. only another tedious example of that neon-green full-body leo- a wholesaler and paving the employee in front of a reporter It was well-known that Charney the CEO’s low opinion of wom- tard they sell at American Ap- way for its expansion into re- and then masturbated— again, did (and still does) sleep with en. Taken with his pro-labor parel, but that is, mercifully, a tail. Any concern about Char- in front of the reporter. The next his models, hence why so many policies, it’s clear why so many good thing.

Where’s The Violence?! Children’s Television Gets Wussy by Lauren Duca “TRYCERROTOPS”, cial, the Power Rangers were is about caring, sharing, right? No. Wrong. These STAFF MEGAZORD “TYRANNOSAURUS”, and violent, and colorful, and learning, loving, appreciat- kids are going to grow up My house experi- “WHITE TIGER!” (Bonus: cir- wonderful, and kids today ing, and being respectful. and be just as lame as the enced a devastating fl ood cle the one that can be found at have nothing like them. I Basically, they are fucking shows they’re watching. 2 years ago, and as a result post-ice age zoos). They have over seven years of baby- boring. I mean, yeah, let’s Yes, there were roundhouse there is a one single sur- were so fantastic, their sitting under my belt, and I take into account that (hope- kicks and hammer fi st viving picture of pre- extant-versus-extinct have yet to see a cool show fully) I’m not nearly as punches. But Power Rang- school me. It was taken on inconsistency isn’t important to for the pediatrician crowd. mesmerized by children’s ers’ basic message was: being Halloween, and is simul- all of us who were still order- There is the occasional re- programming as I was awesome is awesome. And taneously the most embar- ing chicken fi ngers and fries make of a remake of a cool when I actually fi t into the kids today won’t know that. rassing and fantastic picture from the kid’s menu in show on, but the main at- child demographic. But none They won’t even know from my childhood. From 1993. Power Rangers were tractions include Dora the of these shows are “cool.” what awesome is, and eliminat- left to right it features cool as shit. They even Explorer, Little Bill, and Everything produced for ing it from television accom- Kim(the pink Power Ranger), compensated for the cheesy the attempted continuation the lollipops and colors- plishes nothing. Kim, Kim, Kim, Billy (the writing of the show, which of Barney, Curious George, other-than-beige Band-Aid There’s something spe- red one), Billy, Billy, Billy, included lines like “Make and Clifford the Big Red group is about morals and cial about a show that com- Zach (the black, and actually a wish, jellyfi sh!” and “What’s lessons. In terms of pels 100% of a preschool African-American one), Bil- that smell? Oh, it’s me. television for ages class to attempt to dress ly, Billy, Zach, Billy, Billy, Weird though, I just took a one through tw- up as its main characters, Billy, Zach, Kim, Kim, and a bath last month.” They RUN leve, crime fi ght- and 94.7% to succeed in cowgirl, with a clearly home- were so well-received, DORA! ing is totally 90’s. doing so. And since we’ve made costume featuring producers attempted re- There are all all technically “grown up,” white tassels and an awful producing them fi fteen these stigmas and it’s safe to say the grand lot of denim. I’m the cow- times with Mighty Mor- statistics. Oh, looks majority of our genera- girl. I wanted with every phin’ Alien Rangers, Power like a positive tion has enough self control 4-year-old fi ber of my being Rangers: Zeo, Power Rang- correlation exists be- to avoid butterfl y kicking to be Kim. And the pout- ers: Turbo, Power Rangers tween violent televi- every other person who piss- ing “puss,” as my mom of- In Space, Power Rangers: sion and violence! es us off. Yeah, violence is ten calls the exaggerated Lost Galaxy, Power Rang- Gosh, let’s take it all a problem. Violence will frown I still make upon not ers: Light Speed Rescue, off the air! There always be a problem; so getting my way, is 86 times Power Rangers: Time Force, will be nothing bad will murder, drug abuse, more apparent because Power Rangers: Wild Force, in the whole en- and littering. And none of everyone else’s four-year- Power Rangers: Ninja tire world, because that is ever going to change. old face is covered by plas- Storm, Power Rangers: Dino costumed heroes Okay, children’s program- tic masks (that they had a lot Thunder, Power Rangers: Space aren’t kicking crimi- ming producers? Get the of trouble breathing in). Patrol Delta (okay, let’s fi gure it nal butt anymore. fuck over it. Let the kids Bad ass Everyone wanted to be out, the extraterrestrial thing is Instead, we’ll make of the twenty-tens have TV breeds a Power Ranger for Hal- not making a difference), Power shows featuring something other than an bad ass kids loween, and in real life. It’s Rangers: Mystic Force, Power a child projec- insanely awkward name for understandable. They had Rangers: Operation Over- tion of Bill Cosby the decade of their youth. all power animals, which drive, Power Rangers: Jungle Dog. Basically, every- (that’s Lil’ Bill to all you non- Put Power Rangers and they channeled by yelling, Fury, and Power Rangers: thing falls into three catego- babysitters). Razzle, daz- other shows featuring col- “MASTODON”, “SA- Racing Performance Machines. ries: dinosaur, mammal, and zle, bleeble, blabble, values or-coded crime fi ghters BER TOOTH TIGER”, Despite being (retro- minority. And no one fi ghts and ugly sweaters are what back in the spotlight, and “PTERODACTYL”,” spectively) extremely ra- crime anymore. Every show the children of today need, give awesome a chance. march 10, 2010 the paper page 13 (Two) MEN FOR MAYER!! by Matt Burns Take one of Mayer’s most literal sensual metaphors, and He is arrogant, but you would ward and goofballish,” Mayer and Keegan Talty famous songs, “Daughters.” that is why Mayer’s music at- be too if the biggest gamble of told Playboy. It’s that part of STAFF APOLOGISTS In this song, he asks fathers to tracts more women than are in your life—dropping out of col- Mayer that everyone can relate Every summer, Bros pile “be good to your daughters.” those hordes in Axe Shampoo lege to play guitar— actually to into rented school buses with It has already been established commercials. As men, we are paid off. So call him a woman- When it comes to being an cases of Natty Light, dressed that Mayer’s core audience isn’t tempted to hate Mayer because izer if you want, but don’t hate everyman, for example, Mayer in LaX jerseys and adjust- the everyday workingman (un- he is strange to us. We hate what John Mayer for dating girls who enjoys the simple things in life: able, backwards-facing hats. less the workingman is under we can’t understand, and we most sorry little guys (i.e., us) platinum records, foreign bidets They’re off to Jones Beach the age of twenty, reads Cosmo, can’t understand the appeal of could only dream about. and—one we can all relate to— Theater— a Bro Mecca— to and listens to John Mayer). No, the twists and turns of his lyr- Really, he’s a guy who has internet pornography. Mayer see John Mayer. Yes, that John the real intended audience for ics; we expect everything to be only the best intentions: “If I actually tells Playboy, there are Mayer— creator of such songs this song, it’s clear, is teen- have a conversation with a re- times he prefers “self-soothing” as “Your Body Is a Wonder- age girls with daddy issues. This ally hot girl that lasts all night to meeting real people. land” and “Gravity”; the John Every girl in America that Photo and she says, ‘Wow, I had no “This is my problem now: Mayer who prompts teenage has been neglected by her has not idea I was going to like you Rather than meet somebody girls to lose their voices and father will have Dad listen to been this much,’ that is the equiva- new, I would rather go home shirts and allows teenage boys “Daughters.” Then the father, doctored. lent, for me, of getting laid,” and replay the amazing experi- to take advantage of said situa- in an effort to further ignore Mayer told Playboy. ences I’ve already had.” Only tion. Other than these facts, we his daughter, will buy her No, Does John Mayer need to John Mayer, it seems, is enough were relatively unfamiliar with some John Mayer tickets to seriously. impress anyone at this point to please John Mayer, and he Mr. Mayer, so we decided to do shut her up. We’re on to your in his life? Honestly, there are shows an awareness of this fact. a little on-the-ground research. moneymaking scheme, John few pick-up lines better than, John Mayer pulls no punches. What is John Mayer’s appeal? Mayer, you sneaky bastard. “Hi, I’m John Mayer.” He He says what is on his mind We waited outside the bus stop Truth be told, we like gets money, he gets girls— “You wake up in the morn- on Fordham Road, and after Mayer as a guitarist. His lyr- what is he playing for now? ing, open a thumbnail, and it paying a bus passenger $20 to ics, however, are full of inane “My motivation is to leads to a Pandora’s box of vi- answer this question, he said: and frequent metaphors. prove people wrong,” said suals. There have probably been “I don’t listen to that white boy Take, for example, his Gram- Mayer. days when I saw 300 vaginas shit.” So, instead, we went to my Award-winning song, He wants to lose the Bro before I got out of bed,” he says. the dorms. “Your Body Is a Wonderland” King, douche bag image he Truly this is something that men “His lyrics make my heart (which sounds AWESOME projects. And just like John all over the world can identify melt, and I wish he were sing- on ecstasy). The song itself McCain countered the jokes with. It is uncertain where ing them to me,” said Corina is an onslaught of metaphor blunt and to the point. about his appearance and cam- Mayer will go with his image in Aparicio, FCRH ’13, after at- after metaphor— all of them But John Mayer is more than paign by going on Saturday the years to come, but he seems tending Mayer’s concert the about sex. No wonder I’m not his music—so much more that Night Live and making fun of determined to lose the douche last weekend of February. allowed to play it at my weekly few people can handle the pure them himself, John Mayer is bag connotation by being the Personally, we couldn’t iden- SAA (Sex Addicts Anonymous) brass balls this man possesses. trying to counter the douche bag most real guy he can, and we tify with this because we have meetings. Seriously though, the “You have to show that you image he projects by being the love him for it. Hell, we’ll love hearts of stone (OR because we reason that this music doesn’t don’t take yourself seriously,” biggest douche bag he can be. just about any guy that can com- think with our penises— same make sense to men is that we said Mayer in a March inter- “I’ve done away with feeling pare Jessica Simpson to crack difference?); however, we can are more oriented towards the view with Playboy in response aloof and trying to seem suave cocaine and admit that he would point out sappy bullshit when explicitly physical. Women to how he handles people who and bulletproof. I’ve resigned “like to quit my life and just we see it. tend to be more into such non- think he’s a cocky womanizer. myself to being slightly awk- fuckin’ snort you.” You’re Not Getting Laid Five Signs You’re Going Home Alone by Chris Gramuglia you, and now all of your jokes most likely working together to Number 3. Thumbs. I’m se- buy someone a drink who has no STAFF LADIES’ MAN are bombing like Hiroshima. get as drunk as possible for as rious— watch her thumbs. All interest in you. Get out of there. Alright guys, let’s face it. It’s She sips the drink slowly free as possible. Crazy, I know, girls text like crazy; we know Number 5. Keep an eye on happened to all of us at one time as her eyes dart around the but I’ve seen it happen. Oh, that. But if a girl barely looks her friends. If they’re interested or another: Some girl who looks room, and by the time the plas- and if she lets another guy have up from her phone while you’re in what’s going on and, more better than she should shoots tic cups are empty, she’s like, some of the drink, don’t hesitate talking to her and her thumbs importantly, if they’re interested you a sexy look from across the “I have to go fi nd my friend.” to grab it and throw what’s left are on the verge of sparking in what you’re saying, then you bar, so, like a college Casanova, Yup, you’ve been screwed. of it in her overly made-up face. a fi re, chances are you’re get- may be alright. If they’re shoot- you can’t help but stroll on over. The fact is, this ting screwed. She’s ing you dirty looks or rolling Hell, you even drop a pretty happens far too either talking to their eyes, it’s not certain you’ll good line on her— so good, in often, especially a boyfriend or a be screwed over, but the drink fact, that her slightly less attrac- at Fordham. But booty call, or she’s you just bought may turn out to tive friends all giggle uncontrol- not to worry— telling one of her be a waste of four-fi fty. When lably, nearly spilling their bay here are fi ve friends how fun it the friends aren’t buying what breezes on their skimpy dresses signs that I’ve is to use people like you’re selling, they’ll most like- from Forever 21. You talk for compiled solely you for drinks. Get ly pull the “We came together, a bit, and damn it, you’re on a out of observa- Number 6: out of there before we’re leaving together” crap, roll. Everything you say is noth- tion and personal She throws the she continues emp- leaving you with nothing but ing short of comedic gold ; even experience that I glass of wine in tying your wallet. your right hand, some Jergens, that joke you made about how think will leave your face Number 4. and Fordham’s slow-as-balls drunk your roommate is makes you with at least Try to be aware of internet connection— surpris- you seem like you’re Rodney a few more bucks and some Number 2. This is more of what’s going on in the conversa- ingly, not a good combination. fucking Dangerfi eld. dignity at the end of the night. a test than a sign, but it’ll in- tion. If you’re doing all the talk- Now I should say that I’m “Buy me a drink?” she fi - Number 1. Watch her after dicate early on what the deal ing and she’s not volunteering certainly no expert on the art of nally coos into your ear, say- you buy her that drink. If she’s is: When she starts looking all much about herself other than picking up girls, nor do I con- ing it in a way that makes your protective of it— meaning she cute, and asks you for that fi rst that she, “like, totally hates liv- done gratuitous, drunk sex at- macho exterior melt away like doesn’t share it with her friends drink, simply respond, “Why ing in Martyr’s,” and then asks tained by way of mental manip- an ice cream cake on a sum- or, worse, another dude— then don’t you get this round, and for a drink, it’s probably her ulation. But I have noticed that mer day. ‘Sweet— this chick is, there’s a chance she’s for real. I’ll get the next one?” If she’s way of getting what she can out the way things have evolved like, totally “DTF”,’ you think But if she sips half of it, and genuinely interested in you, of what she deems a boring con- socially just isn’t fair to us to yourself as you slap down a then starts letting her BFF get then she shouldn’t have any versation. Screw it. Your love gentlemen. Yes, that’s right— I twenty for a second round of in on the action, well, you’ve problem buying you a drink for eighteenth-century comedy said gentlemen, and in closing bay breezes. Strangely, the sec- been screwed. When a girl fi rst. Unless she’s full of shit, and vintage James Bond mov- I’d also like to say that chivalry ond that little red straw touches shares a drink that you bought or incredibly stuck-up, its not ies might be boring, but that isn‘t necessarily dead— it just her lips, she’s less interested in for her with a friend, they’re about who buys who the drink. doesn’t mean that you need to needs to smarten up a little bit. page 14 the paper march 10, 2010 Welcome to Snuggie City by Emily Tuttle and the Cavs in order to keep ently not in joy of being able six— pretty impressive. But erable City in America. STAFF BUCKEYE the one good sports team we to remove said garment, but in that’s not what the media will Now, Forbes loves, loves, I am a diehard Cleveland have intact. This why the Cavs an honest celebration of some remember. loves to hate Cleveland. We’ve fan. My move to Cleveland at latest publicity ploy is so con- type of achievement in a sports Immediately after our ac- been featured on many of their age four was one of the best de- fusing and, well…so Cleveland. arena. Even the players took complishment for the ages, the lists, including “America’s Fast- cisions I’ve ever made. I love Cleveland is known for the part in the festivities. Promo- barrage of insults started. Most est-Dying Cities,” “Worst Win- the food, the people, the music voracious nature of its fans. tional material for the event fea- sports writers took this as the ter Weather Cities,” and “Amer- scene (yes, there is one) and, We have been deprived for far, tured Anderson Varejao smiling fi nal nail in our coffi n. Blogs ica’s Most Stressful Cities.” But above all else, the Cavaliers. far too long. So, in lieu of any contentedly while lounging in lit up, most notably with trium- I don’t know about “miserable.” My rooms both at school and actual championships, Cavs a Snuggie on a massive black phant New Yorkers claiming that I think the Snuggie event at home are completely decked fans decided to set their own leather couch. He even sported there was no way Lebron could was perfect proof of our abil- out in Cavs gear. I have t-shirts, record. 20,562 fans wore Snug- it during warm-ups. Lebron, stay in a city as embarrassing ity to fi nd happiness in the most autographs, bobbleheads, bum- gies simultaneously for a full like any good team captain, as ours. The unrestrained com- mundane aspects of life. Forbes’ per stickers, pendants, posters, fi ve minutes before the Cavs forced Snuggie-less rookie ments that were posted on cer- declaration that “Cleveland se- calendars, a ceramic version of game against the Detroit Pistons Danny Green back to the locker tain blogs proved to be particu- cured the position [as Most Mis- Lebron’s jersey— you name on Friday, March 5th, achiev- room, saying, “Rookie, put on larly harsh: “At least Cleveland erable City in America] thanks it. I’ve been to innumerable ing a Guinness World Record your Snuggie. And keep those will have some kind of award to its high unemployment, high games, cheering my ass off, for most fl eece blankets worn knees high. Don’t trip.” Of because they will not get one in taxes, lousy weather, corruption and I’ve cried after every failed in one place. These particular course, there was the anticipat- sports”; “Wow, Cleveland truly by public offi cials and crummy playoff attempt. fl eece blankets were maroon, ed d-bag in the crowd wearing a has nothing better to do, cute”; sports teams (Cavaliers of the Lebron James is what keeps bore the Cavs logo, and had Pistons Snuggie. And you know and “Stupid is as stupid does” NBA excepted)” doesn’t exact- Cleveland together. Seriously. arms. Over twenty-thousand what? We won the game. Which seem to best sum up the major- ly prove their point. Yeah, the Driving downtown past one of Clevelanders in one place clad pushes our winning streak to ity of opinions. economy’s crappy. A lot of peo- our two large buildings (I’m in backwards robes— the back- Yet despite ple struggle to get by on a daily sure many of you have seen the wards robes that make any who all of the silli- basis. But, to me, calling a city infamous “Hastily Made Cleve- dare to don them immediately ness, I think that ‘miserable’ denies them the dig- land Tourism Video” on You- resemble cult members. Yep, the joy Cleve- nity of being able to overcome Tube) you are faced with a huge that’s exactly the publicity that landers found their struggles, and even cel- poster of Lebron throwing chalk Cleveland needed. Great. America’s in wearing a ebrate life’s little things in hard in the air— his beloved pre- One of the saddest parts Snuggliest backwards robe times. So, for my birthday this game ritual. Concern over his about all of this is the excite- City speaks loads year, I will be asking for a Cavs possible departure from Cleve- ment and joy that having set a about the city. Snuggie. I will wear it proudly, land at the end of his contract record brought Cleveland. Lo- There seems to only regretting that I was not at has plagued Clevelanders from cal newspapers ran stories days be something the Q on the night that 20,000 the beginning. We know the before, culminating in a Plain wrong with the Clevelanders shed the title of impact it would have on your Dealer article titled “Cleve- most recent “Most Miserable” and rejoiced opinion of us; we know that land Cavaliers fans snuggle up title hatefully in something as odd but strange- you already think living in ‘The to world record for most fl eece bestowed on ly uniting as a fl eece blanket Mistake on the Lake’ would be blankets in one place.” Cheers Cleveland— with arms. equivalent to hell. We have tried erupted at the end of the req- Forbes Maga- our hardest to support Lebron uisite fi ve minutes— appar- zine’s Most Mis- Marginal(ly Moronic) notes by Bobby Cardos kaum txub,” which translates to, Song lyrics: “I want to be- me food until I die.” “You’ve always been there/ you CO-EDITOR IN CHIEF “to speak of all kinds of things.” come/ the newest song of Je- Context forgotten: “a much patchy mass of hair/ so excuse I take really bad notes. To Anne Fadiman explains its sig- sus Christ./ He will always be ridiculed and benign profes- me if I tear when you’re gone.” elucidate: When I came to col- nifi cance: “It is often used at there.” sion.” Re: poetry (especially in lege I bought fi ve empty single- the beginning of an oral narra- Random margin quote: “If Song lyrics written during Latin America) as an exercise subject notebooks for my fi ve tive as a way of reminding the you see the Bhudda, kill him. a Bio class about evolution: “I in futility: “ ‘We write in Lat- single-subject college courses. listeners that the world is full of He’ll get in the way.” don’t need my pinky toe, oh in America because, in Latin Now in my junior year, I still things that may not seem to be The only thing on an entire no.” America, everything still needs employ four of these same note- connected but actually are; that page: “It’s the money and the Re: male birds: “elaborate to be written.’ – Carlos Fuen- books, the fi fth still mostly un- no event occurs in isolation; that fun.” plumage and outrageous behav- tes.” fi lled but also unnecessary, as you can miss a lot by sticking to “Knowledge = union of self ior.” “ ‘A poet is like a diver go- I only take four classes now. the point; and that the storyteller and non-self (None of ing to the depths to get a pearl.’ Indeed, there are entire cours- is likely to be rather long-wind- this MA self and self – Piñero” es with less than fi ve pages of ed.” In that same spirit, I would crap).” Last line of a short story: notes. More striking than this like to share some of the more “Nostalgia = Atlan- “Someday, we’ll be able to tell overall paucity of notes is the interesting notes I’ve scribbled ta after Civil War.” our children about this.” First straight-up dearth of useful in the margins over the years. A representation hundreds of lines: unwritten. notes. Most of the ink on my of absurdity: “Chalk, From a list of song titles: college-ruled pages is about Re: Plato’s allegory of the Chalk, Chalk, Chalk, “Pornographic Failures.” things decidedly non-academ- Cave: “Enlightenment is pain- Chalk, Chalk, Chalk, “Anything worth doing is, at ic: comments uttered as asides ful.” Chalk…” the core, an exercise in futility.” from teachers, odd remarks “Dogma: Am God” Song Lyrics: “I’ll Potential band name: Shag- from classmates, and things I “Our distance [from it] is show you/ hardcore gy Dog and the Groaners. thought about instead of the what makes literature relevant. truths.” “Something like an over- material being lectured on. The If we were in tune with it, it From a page of written chalkboard.” notebooks are also put to uses would be unnecessary/ rein- notes passed during a “His arms windmilled, his disparate from the subjects they forcement.” Mock Trial competi- legs kicked and in this manner were designated for. “Discovery of human truth tion: “approximately he pushed himself up from the The result of this is that my is generally isolated.” 197 9-year-olds in the fi eld and into the sky, parachute notes are typically useless when Re: Italy during the Renais- audience tonight.” We unopened on his back. Like a it comes to actually studying, sance: “That’s where the stuff would later go on to lose this Potential band name: “The telephoto lens his peripheral vi- though sometimes useful when was.” match. Melon Ballers” sion expanded as he zoomed out looking for a book recommen- Title of a bad poem: “Poor Potential song title: “Arm “Is it old fashioned, or mere- on the patchwork quilt of fi elds dation or a de-contextualized translation in Nazi Germany.” Canon Man.” ly British?” directly below him, the empty snippet of wisdom or humor. “Mandrake root: looks like a Another potential song title: Above a tiny sketch: “Fishes one he was supposed to casually There’s a saying that the Hmong person, but you sure can’t have “The Formal Angler’s Society.” n’ Birds.” fl ow into, but had instead been have that goes “hais caj txub sex with it.” Quote from a friend: “Bring Ode to friend’s beard: plummeting towards.” march 10, 2010 the paper page 15 arts

by Alex Kelso Uslan had his mentor, friend, stories, themes and STAFF BOY WONDER partner, and also a Fordham stock characters Alum, Benjamin Melniker. Mr. in modern dress. We all have a dream – some Melniker was his co-producer They’re [examples innate desire we posses which on both the Batman projects and of] classic, adventure may not be fully discovered other fi lms, including Where in storytelling. until we’re grown enough for the World is Carmen Sandiego? Also they have them to be in reach. Michael He was also an executive for a generational Uslan knew what his dream MGM during its heyday and appeal. Parents and was when he was 8 years old: worked on deals for Ben Hur grandparents who he wanted to do something with and Doctor Zhivago. The event grew up with comics comics. He loved comic books was a must-see for anyone have a chance to and adored Batman, growing up interested in fi lm production or share this experience like many children of the sixties comics. I had a chance to ask with their children who watched the campy, silly Mr. Uslan a couple of questions and grandchildren. Adam West TV series. Uslan’s before his talk: Comics are desire was to bring the dark, AK: What do you think something that cross brooding, intense Batman he is the future of the comic borders, cultures, knew from his childhood to the industry? Will print continue and genders. bright light of mass audiences. to be used as a medium or we AK: What Decades later, Mike Uslan has will eventually only use digital advice would you achieved his dream in ways media? give to someone he could never have foreseen. MU: It’s like the movie who is in pursuing As a comic-book historian and industry: if you put out a great a career in the movie producer, he was the product a lot of people will comic/fi lm industry fi rst person to teach a course see it in different ways. Some as a writer? on comics at the accredited people like to see a movie in MU: I have two Indiana University and has theaters [and] some prefer to pieces of advice: 1) been the executive producer for buy DVDs. With all the new go to the ten biggest every Batman movie since Tim ways of getting media to people conventions. All of Burton’s 1989 move, Batman. digitally, people will be getting the industry giants His most recent masterpiece, comics on their phones, their – DC, Marvel, the Academy Award-winning computers -- but collectors like Darkhorse – will The Dark Knight, is his magnum me will still want to tangibly have booths and opus -- and on Friday March hold the comic in their hands. tables. They set 5th, he spoke at Fordham to a I have a dream... AK: Is the comic-book aside time to meet crowd of enthusiastic fans. movie genre here to stay, or is with writers and CSF and FTP co-sponsored it a passing fad? artists on a one on the event where the movie MU. First off, comic one basis. It’s a master gave a talk on his books are not a genre. I’ve good way to meet experiences in both the movie would be when I discovered speaker. Both the content of been fi ghting this battle in the the editors in person and present and comic industries. He superheroes -- Superman and his speech and the tone he trenches for thirty years trying your work. 2) The internet is delivered an inspiring speech especially Batman. Batman, in used illustrated the passion to convince people that. Comic fantastic. It’s a great way to about the trials of opposition particular, [affected me] because and love he felt for his job. It books do not equal superheroes. present your fi ction/art -- start he faced while trying to fulfi ll he was a superhero without was inspiring to see and hear There are comedies, dramas, a blog, build a following and his dream. He described the any powers and I could relate from a truly kind, warm, and and many [other] kinds [of [then a] reputation. There are arduous and frustrating process to him. [The] third was when friendly guy – who happens comic books]. They do provide minimum thirty great sites about of working with Hollywood, I discovered Marvel comics, to be famously respected. a continuing source of great comics -- and comic companies explaining the need to take risks because I realized that comics His works have impacted the stories and rich characters, like troll these sights looking for and never stop trying in order could mature and grow as I American culture (as well as the plays or novels. It’s all about new talent. to obtain your dream “When grew. [Another favorite moment International comic culture) in storytelling and characters. AK: Do you have a a door gets slammed in your happened] when I discovered countless ways, infl uencing not AK: Why do comics and “favorite moment” in comics? face, you have two choices: go graphic novels, especially Will only my life but also the lives comic-book movies have such MU: That’s the fi rst time home and cry, or get up, dust Eisner’s A Contract with God, of millions of others, bringing a mass appeal? someone has ever asked me that. yourself off, and knock on Art Spiegleman’s Maus --and wonder and admiration to fans MU: Comics have such First I would say it was when the door again. You knock on then Watchmen [and] the whole worldwide. Meeting and talking a mass appeal because they I fi rst started reading comics, the door until your knuckles deconstruction of the [concept to him was an experience I’ll are our modern mythology starting with Archie, Casper, bleed, if that’s what it takes,” of] superhero. never forget. and folklore. They’re ancient and Richie Rich. Second Uslan says. As a special guest, Mr. Uslan was a wonderful page 16 the paper march 10, 2010 the paper ‘Live Blogs’ The 82nd Academy Awards Red Carpet by Emily Genette every time I tried to persuade high? I’m guessing not, because my eyes. This water-color mess like her dress, because she sim- EXECUTIVE CO-EDITOR someone to go with me, s/he that dress is probably scary as is no exception. ply should not be here. Since our blog isn’t espe- was all, “Oh, I’ve seen that one fuck when you’re stoned. —Ohhhhhahahahaha. Heh. cially active, we at the paper already!” Fuck that. Now I look —Sarah Jessica Parker looks Charlize Theron has big, bright 7:30 PM fi gured we’d do a running com- like a fool ‘cause I don’t even like poop; Matthew Broderick roses on her boobies. I love it —Jeff Bridges designed his mentary on the Oscars and pub- know what a Hurt Locker is. deserves so much better (i.e. when pretty people look stupid. tux?!? Thumbs up. lish it after-the-fact, in print. —Who is that— oh, Lord, that’s me) —The inanity of this is starting —I wish I were watching The Originally, we were going to Big Lebowski ‘live’ ‘blog’ the actual ceremo- right now. ny, but thanks to the fuckwads —The nutrition- at Cablevision and ABC, that ist is baaa-aack! will not be happening. Instead, “Sandra Bullock intrepid reporter Emily Genetta works out every will be logging on to the AP single day, la- sourpuss Live site to observe the goings- dies and gentle- on on the red carpet for the next men! [wags two hours. (Two hours, you fi nger]” Why guys? I’m not that intrepid.) aren’t we more like Sandra 6:00 PM Bullock?!?!?! —Starting off these two hours —Kristin Stew- is Anika Noni Rose (a.k.a. Dis- art doesn’t ney’s Frog Princess) and her look slimy for AWESOME dress. Anything once! In fact, involving a mirror mosaic will she looks good! always win my heart. I am everything that is sou- Ok, who just —I guess stars like being fash- less and evil said, “Homegirl ionably late, because there’s could use some soooo much padding with all bronzer”? Show AHHHH of these video segments. I re- yourself. fuse to comment on them; clips —Interview about a loopy fashion designer with Sandra. were not part of the deal. Question that —Time to get a soda from the needs to be asked: What’s with vending machine! the hair, homegirl? —Oooohhh Amanda Seyfried’s —ZOMG Taylor Lautner! Sor- dress is gorgeous. And enor- ry, Taylor; my heart still belongs mous. Why did we cut away? to *NSYNC. To watch the Avatar trailer? —This is the fi rst time I have For serious? I’ll be back when ever seen or heard (or heard famous people start showing about) the actual (read: non- up. Sandra) star of The Blind Side. —Zac Efron does not count. Kind of a major omission now that I think about it. 6:30 PM —Take off the sunglasses, RDJ. —Monique! Yes, let’s pick up By the way, your wife looks here, because I love her so hard- fabulous in that striped sequin core. I love how passionate she dress. is about Precious, and I love her —“Hello, Keanu!” screams our dress, and I love the fl ower in host. It’s almost time to start, her hair. Most of all, I LOVE lemons. right? that this lady doesn’t shave her —WOAH, Ms. Miley Cyrus. legs! What is with that ratty WEAVE? And the BRONZER? And the —Why does Carrie Mulligan ultimate baller always make that squinty lemon FACE? face? I want to like her, but this —Now that Miley has opened prevents me from doing so. her mouth, I really hate her —Ryan Reynolds looks more dress; it clashes with her brazen like Jason Lee than he should. stupidity. Fact. —Ohh noooo RDJ is wearing —Tom Ford directed a movie? Miley Cyrus? I hate how much —Carey Mulligan! Lemon to wear on me… sneakers! Why? Also, where have I been? I love her dress. Except for the face! The bleached hair does not —James Cameron. Meh. That’s —Am I the only one who thinks —I really like Sandra Bullock’s bustier— no bustiers at seven- help dispel thoughts of lemons. the only thing I have to say Gerard Butler is ugly? Yes? dress… unless that’s velvet at teen. …..Why is she here? —Wait, why did Lemonface just about him. Okay. the bottom. Is that velvet? I —Oh, CHRIST, it’s Morgan say she has little forks and scis- —Queen Latifah looks fab-u- —Knee-jerk reaction to Kate hate velvet. I also hate her wilt- Freeman. I wonder if that sors on her dress? It confuses louuusssss! Do I sound drunk Winslet’s dress: Mother of the y hair. Hate, hate, hate. younger woman is the step- me, but I feel like I might actu- right now? Because I’m not. Bride. It’s the slightly mis- —Lee Daniels brought his granddaughter with whom he ally like it. —But I wish I were. matched two-piece thing, I daughter? Awwwww. How per- cheated on his wife. Oh, you —They’re interviewing Tom —Cut back to Gabby Sidibe! think. fect is that? I’ll tell you: very. didn’t know that? Sorry for ru- Ford now. I just remembered Yes! This woman is elegant as —I really hate to say this, but —And his daughter is fourteen? ining his voice for you forever. the ad campaigns that he used to fuck. Cameron Diaz’s dress is what She is the most elegant-look- run. Yeah, he looks like the kind —Christoph Waltz reminds me Sandra’s dress only wishes it ing 14-year-old I’ve ever seen. 7:00 PM of tool that would sell clothes how much I didn’t care about could be. Emily circa 2003 is jealous, and —The people at AP are inter- by having a naked woman iron Inglorious Basterds. It inspired —Gabby! She got ready by she deserves to be, because she viewing a nutritionist, and it is shirts for a man. neither liking nor loathing. It listening to a mix-tape that her shops at Hot Topic. boring. I did not come here to —I love Helen Mirren, but it was just… more Tarantino. friend gave her and by eating —Steve Carell is here because be lectured about fi sh oil. must be said: this dress is just a Yawn. cookies. Suck on it with your he is “presenting Best Animated —WOAH, Vera Farmiga! That diluted version of the fabulous —Ugghhh-- literally more Tar- suck-y little face, Carey “I went Feature with Cameron Diaz”. dress is swallowing you whole! frock she wore the year that she antino with this interview. Can to the gym” Mulligan. Regardless, I heart him. Hmmm, you sound like you’re won. I go drink now? —I really wanted to see The on something right now. Did —I also love Maggie Gyllen- —Why does J,Lo get invited to And with that… I’m out. Hurt Locker, you guys, but you pick out that dress while haal, but her clothes always hurt the Oscars? Really. I refuse to march 10, 2010 the paper page 17 the events and show list for the week before...

by Mickie Meinhardt on annoying until she (re)meets motions or sinister mind of ARTS CO-EDITOR and befriends the Mad Hatter, those previous roles; he is beau- who explains the gravity of the tifully fl uid, with graceful, al- “People say ‘When did you situation. Slowly, she loses the most dancerly mannerisms and read the books?’ and I can’t re- stubbornness and gains some natural segueing between capri- member when I [did] because I grit, fl eshing out into a heroine cious idiosyncrasy, painful de- knew more about it from music fi gure by the story’s end. pressive memory, and momen- and pop culture and other artists However, while Wasikows- tary unexplained anger. Without and writers and illustrators, you ka holds her own as the title the Hatter the story would have know, it just comes up in a lot of character it is the silver screen run the risk of falling into chaos people’s work and it just shows chameleon, Johnny Depp, who – while it is a beautifully artistic you that there’s something that as the Mad Hatter fulfi lls the creation it slightly slackens in he tapped into that just bypasses expectant reputation the fi lm plot stability and Depp provides the brain and goes right into the has garnered. Depp and Bur- the necessary coherence. subconscious, somehow.” ton have a long-running artistic It should go without say- So said director Tim Burton partnership that goes beyond ing that the creative aspects in of Lewis Caroll’s Alice in Won- actor-to-director – previous Alice are utterly fantastic – it derland, the famous novel he Hey Fordham - collaborations include Edward has come to be expected that recently adapted into one of the Raise your hand if you’re super-pumped for Spring Break! Scissorhands, Sweeney Todd, a Burton fi lm will revel in ex- year’s most highly anticipated Did you? Gullible’s always been on the ceiling for you, huh? and Charlie and the Chocolate emplary attention to aesthetic fi lms. And he’s right – Alice is Well if you still decide to go out later, here’s uh.... Factory – and the dynacism detail. The familiar characters – one of the most widely known shows in Alice. The Hatter at Tweedle Dee and Dum, the Blue stories, permeating culture so What: Transmit – Transit by Hatuey Ramos-Fermin fi rst seems a bipolar lunatic, Caterpillar, the Red Queen, the much it seems to step beyond When: Mar 3rd – May 7th, 5-9 pm spewing an endless stream of Hatter and Hare – are all true the book, becoming a fi gment Where: Longwood Art Gallery at Hostos Community College nonsensical queries between to form, echoing the univer- of the eternal imagination; his 450 Grand Concourse fl ashes of multiple personali- sally well-known elements of fantasyland concept resonated HOWMUCH: $0 ties, but as the fi lm progresses the novel. Yet he expands the so accurately that ‘wonderland’ Why: The exhibition, curated by Ricardo Miranda-Zúñiga, it yields the disparity between Wonderland universe to more was even added to the English addresses the notion of traveling in the Bronx. Mr. Ramos- Depp’s Hatter and the Hatter of than just whimsy, adding darker lexicon . Burton is not the fi rst Fermín presents a multimedia installation focusing on issues of the book; while in the novel he undertones that make this not to fi nd a deep connection with migration, access and globalization. He has worked more so as quite a child’s movie; in one the story, he is simply the an investigative journalist or documentary fi lmmaker. Ramos scene, Alice must jump across most recent. However, as Fermín has logged several hours of video interviews with livery severed heads that rest in the the well-known master of cab drivers, he has visited several dispatch offi ces, diners, gas moat to reach the Red Queen’s fi lm eccentricity, he also stations, car repair shops… the local spaces of the drivers. castle, and the Hatter himself seemed the most appropri- Over the last several months, he has engaged with the livery would undoubtedly frighten ate. cab community to learn of its reality, document it and create an children rather than inspire Burton’s adaptation engaging portrayal that is both attentive and serious. The fi nal transitions to adulthood, not is a slight tweak from the outcome of his investigation is not an investigative article or to mention the withered por- original storyline, a sort of fi lm, rather it is a rich installation that attempts to capture the tions of utopia that have been sequel with no predeces- hardship and diversity of the trade. scorched by the tide of the Red sor: it is Alice’s second Queen’s armies. The makeup trip, though she has no What: Sunday Night Stand Up is also extraordinary; Depp’s memory of the fi rst, and When: 8pm ever Sunday morphs along with his quick- in the interim Wonderland Where: Three of Cups, 83 1st Ave & 5th silver mood swings and the has fallen to the tyranny of HOWMUCH: $0 Red Queen (played by Helena the Red Queen. The jour- Why: Laugh for free - maybe - at comedians they call “fresh,” Bonham Carter) sports a bul- ney is Alice’s coming of “rising,” freshest,” “risingest,” “woman,” “funny.” And etc. bous fabricated head (because age, beginning with her in- Three of Cups features comedians that have been featured on she’s egotistical, get it?). The tended engagement party, Comedy Central, MTV, The Onion, VH-1 and Conan O’Brien. integration between actors and which she fl ees from rath- On Conan O’Brien?! On TOP of Conan O’Brien? No, not that computer animation is seam- er than give an answer to we know of. less and accolades are due to her unsatisfactory suitor. is just another insane character the cast for shooting almost the She falls down the rabbit hole in the world of perpetual mad- entire movie on green-screened (again) and begins the adven- Who: Woods and Real Estate ness, in the fi lm he is almost a sets; they didn’t actually know ture to answer the question of When: Friday Mar 12th narrator and the source of emo- what the fi lm would look like her identity; literally, as there Where: Music Hall of Williamsburg tional involvement, guiding Al- until viewing post-production are some who are unconvinced HOWMUCH: $15 ice mentally and geographically clips. she is the ‘real Alice’, and fi gu- Why: The past year-ish has seen an explosion of excellent surf through the land. To prepare, Altogether the fi lm deserves ratively, as the various tests she rock, trending away from the electronic shoegaze toward earthy Depp researched the conditional credit for an enormous feat of is put to to rescue her friends and acoustic solidity. Real Estate and Woods both have proven effects of mercury poisoning, creative power, materialized save the kingdom require her to favorite children in the most recent litter of bands that have a 19th century affl iction com- into a production of the imagi- step out of passive childhood popped out of the genre’s womb; Real Estate is a fuzzy splash mon among hatters (the toxin nation, the plot and basic con- and “reclaim her muchness”, as of suburban summers, riding the wave of low-fi popularity but was used in the making of felt cept are too well-known to be the Mad Hatter postulates. without pretension; they have honest simplicity in lyrics and hats), characterized by a ee- groundbreaking, and frankly Breakout actress Mia Wa- sound, resplendent with uncomplicated twangs and a drowsy, rie skin pallor and reddening don’t quite weigh in against sikowska is fairly perfect as sunshine-drunk rhythm. Woods is a fantastic complement, the of the eyes, cheeks, and nose, original Burton screenplays. Alice, oozing naiveté and im- same soft low-fi acoustic echo lapping up against the eardrums. that caused erratic behavior, However, the adaptation is petuousness (no stockings? They’re less surf and more pastoral, but just as loose, dappled emotional instability, insomnia, unique and materializes well, headstrong Victorian wench). with sliding chords and snaps of snares. Also, both put on memory impairment, and irreg- especially considering the fre- She holds tight to the falsity excellent love shows – especially with spring is just around the ular heartbeats. Make-up took quent failures of deviations that she’s in one of her recurring bend(er). care of the physical character- from well-loved stories. His im- dreams (actually suppressed istics but the frenetic emotions mense talent for materializing memories of her fi rst trip), What: Spring Break and frequent lapses into deep the imagination and twisting the denying the famous hookah- When: Fri Mar 13th – Mon Mar 22nd depression or anger were all borders between childhood and smoking caterpillar’s prophecy Where: Jersey. Depp, further cementing his sta- adulthood once again shines that she will fi ght the monstrous HOWMUCH: $20 tus as one of Hollywood’s most through, especially in this com- Jaberwocky – the beast in Car- Why: We got couches, we got hammocks – there’s a pull-out, profi cient actors. While he has ing-of-age tale. And while I did roll’s famous nonsense poem and a grill. We got poker – and coat-hooks. We got free booze, we done eccentric (Pirates of the see it in IMAX 3D and am thus of the same name, a brilliant got stolen booze, we got no booze. Pool parties – beach parties – Caribbean) and crazy (Sweeney fairly biased, it will be fantastic synthesis on Burton’s part. Her sprinkler parties – parties that have water there – mineral water. Todd) before, as the Hatter he on any medium; kudos, Burton. green character actually borders retains neither the frantic, ADD You’ve done it again. page 18 the paper march 10, 2010

by Brigh Gibbons original recording my son...with perhaps one of the in a staged performance. STAFF LIVES IN JERSEY in efforts to get me that range, you’ll greatest songs of Which brings me to Jesus. to go to the show’s never make it to the show, “Heaven First of all, the main point, A couple weeks ago I wit- opening night. Broadway on their Minds,” a or at least one great thing about nessed a touring production Needless to say, four minute-long a good production of JCS, is the of Jesus Christ Superstar. I’m I fell in love with vocal-driven opus, fact that the ongoing struggle not quite sure if it was through everything about it. showcasing the between Jesus and Judas Iscar- Broadway or not, I would as- The music: fantas- extremely talented iot isn’t supposed to be one-sid- sume the latter because the ma- tic rock & roll; the and backstabbing ed. In fact, many of the best pro- jority of the cast was made up singing: better than Judas Iscariot. ductions have the actors playing of, for the lack of a better word, Broadway; the sto- Other stand- Jesus and Judas switch off every nobodies. To further explain, the ryline: I had heard out roles included night, as a way to show that the actor with the most reputable it before. Funny a marvelous Mary voices and power behind the resume was a man who made it enough, I have did they land such a popular Magdalene, and characters are evenly matched. to the top 52 contenders of the Charlie and Jesus Christ Super- city as New Brunswick? I un- after investigating the playbill It is an effort to show humanity 2007 season of American Idol. star to wholeheartedly thank for fortunately only have a bit of an I soon learned that this was the in a character that many God- Now I’ll be honest here, Je- my born again Christian beliefs idea: murder. very fi rst show the actress had fearing Christians would most sus Christ Superstar is my fa- (it’s funny because Charlie’s With all of that out of the ever been a part of. Boy, was I likely resent. vorite musical of all time. That’s Jewish). way, I must say that the show surprised! Grand vocal range, My Jesus was 66 years old. right, I have a favorite musical. Flash forward to December was terrifi c. Having made sure fantastic stage presence, and It seems that the director de- In fact, my relationship with the of 2009, my mother (god bless to bring with me three of my a great body all contributed to cided it would be an interesting show began not too long ago, in her soul) had been pestering me closest homosexual friends in one of the show’s highlights. move to have the original fi lm the fall of 2006, when my own about what I wanted for Christ- an effort to get their theatrical Her singing in “Everything’s version’s Jesus – from 1973 – high school decided to put on a mas, and after a few days of not expertise, they concluded as Alright” gave me goose bumps, play Jesus in a stage version in production. A show of such cali- giving it any thought, my friend well how remarkable the pro- and “I Don’t Know How to 2010. I’m not saying Ted Neely ber was sort of a fi nal curtain for Stephanie Pennacchia (of FET duction had been. Love Him” sent shivers down didn’t do a terrifi c job, for a se- Mr. Nearly, the well-respected fame) told me that Jesus Christ The show opened up with… my spine (and genitals). nior citizen he was fantastic, theatre teacher that had been in Superstar, or JCS as the hip the- care to take a guess? The over- The Peter was also a sur- but all I’m saying is at times, I charge of our drama department atre kids like to call it, would be ture, and in an interesting deci- prise, as I had never once seen could defi nitely tell that there for over twenty years. He de- playing in New Jersey in Febru- sion by the director, the entire such a fat actor playing a role was a 66 year old playing a role cided to move to South Carolina ary. Needless to say, I notifi ed song was acted out, most defi - that wasn’t Thénardier in Les designed for someone exactly with his partner/lover/pianist to my mother and, sure enough, on nitely a fi rst for JCS. To sum Miserables. Needless to say, half that age. Luckily, the very start a dinner theatre, but I di- Christmas day I had four crisp it up in just fi ve words: Slow- “Peter’s Denial” presented the noticeable age difference did gress. tickets to New Brunswick’s motion Jew on Roman fi sti- inward struggle of a very com- not do enough to hinder my My good friend Charlie own State Theatre. I know what cuffs. After the semi-awkward plicated character with delicate deep admiration for such a qual- Tripp was in charge of the stage you’re probably thinking, how opening, the play opened up to ease, something often diffi cult ity production. managing and had lent me the

brunch menu, which features crema”) to platanos con crema gal drinking status, and about but still not spicy enough for my By Elena Lightbourn a slew of traditional Mexican (fried plaintains with cream – 15 minutes later our server re- taste. Not a problem: the huevos CHIEF COPY EDITOR breakfast offerings among other mmm). A substantial breakfast turns bearing food. The hue- rancheros also come with three I wander the East Village things, defi nitely caters to my selection, staples like tacos and vos rancheros plate is a heap- different and equally great sal- on an early Saturday afternoon, hungover Saturday afternoon quesadillas, and a small array ing layer-upon-layer creation sas and I take advantage of this still nursing a hangover from the tendency to want eggs (thank of sandwiches and house spe- of black beans, crispy tortillas, fact accordingly, sampling each. previous night, and after a while you, Ultimate Dining Market- cialties also grace the brunch guacamole, eggs, queso fresco, One’s a piquant habanero; an- I’m inevitably hungry. I’ve al- place). menu’s pages. Vegeterian op- and cream partially submerged other, a tangy green variety; the ready sold my soul to Chipotle, Inside, the restaurant’s in- tions like mollotes and enchila- in the center of a shallow pool last, some type of smoky red (I but today I fi nd myself craving viting, dimly lit earth-toned das are available and labeled as of green tomatillo sauce. At fi rst fail to ask what type each actu- more authentic Mexican fare. dining room is decorated with such. look the amount of food seems ally is, but I do appreciate hav- Luckily, one of La Palapa’s various Mexican scenic paint- The downside of brunch at a bit questionable as to whether ing choices). two locations lays a mere two ings. At two p.m., things seem La Palapa, unfortunately, is the or not it would be substantial Overall, the service at La Pa- blocks from the 6 train Astor to be going pretty slowly, and lack of free chips and salsa that enough to leave me truly satis- lapa was great and not once did Place station at the corner of the host seats my party right one comes to expect at Mexi- fi ed. I contemplate, and nearly I feel rushed. La Palapa’s atmo- St. Mark’s Place and 1st Avenue. away. After a couple of minutes can restaurants – at the price of go through with, ordering a side sphere is ideal for a meal with Having seen the restaurant on the friendly server brings water 6.95 on the appetizer menu, it’s of rice… However, before I’m friends, parents, or a casual date lists of the best Mexican res- and waits for our order, but it’s a bit too steep even for self-pro- even close to being done, I defi - (as more people came in, the res- taurants in New York City, I’ve only after an additional ten min- claimed chips-and-salsa junkies nitely feel full. taurant grew a bit noisy). Since been itching to try the place for utes of perusing their menu that like me. However, in the end, I am not the biggest fan of most meals will set you back what seems like forever. Upon I fi nally decide to try the huevos this is probably a good thing, guacamole on anything other $10-20 plus drinks and tips, it’s inspecting the menu posted on rancheros with salsa verde. The as I tend to overload myself on than chips. I usually fi nd its fl a- defi nitely not something I can the door I realize that La Palapa brunch menu boasts no shortage chips to the point where I can- vor and consistency overpow- afford to eat every weekend, but only serves brunch on weekends of authentic-sounding offerings, not fi nish the actual meal I or- ering, but the guacamole on nevertheless worth it. The res- from 10 a.m. to 5 p.m.; after al- with appetizers from chalupas der anyway. After our order is the huevos rancheros perfectly taurant’s locations happen to be most deciding to just return at con chorizo casero (described as taken, I notice a couple at the complements the eggy, beany in Manhattan’s more interesting some other time when the full “little boats’ of corn masa with table nearest us delightfully sip- fl avors in the dish. The toma- neighborhoods, and I have not menu is available, I end up go- homemade chorizo, guacamole, ping on frozen margaritas and tillo sauce is hearty –warm, just had a better Mexican breakfast ing for it and enter. After all, the black beans, queso fresco and feel a pang of envy at their le- salty enough, and slightly spicy, since I was in, well, Mexico. march 10, 2010 the paper page 19

by Max Brown menu is a fi xed-price 10-course The unassuming entrance was you audition?” We paid the bill, grimacing, STAFF STICKIN’ WITH experiment in taste-bud moles- marked only with a small title His interview had been to and left under the watchful eyes THE MAN tation. on its glass door and opened cook in front of David Chang of David Chang’s protégés. The Valentine’s Day had to be But David Change fasci- into a spartan space where back- only three months ago. fi rst thing my girlfriend said as good – or at least better than nated my girlfriend and me. In a less wooden stools faced a long “Did you go to cooking we left was “that would be a my girlfriend’s birthday when recent interview, Chang stressed counter behind which chefs school?” good place to walk into with a we went out for drinks with her his desire to make fi ne cuisine wearing baseball caps busily “I’ve been working in res- bomb.” Despite all Ko’s woes, friends and family and I tried more ac- cooked for taurants since I was 16. Some- we had connected with one an- my very best to schmooze as I cessible the hour’s where along the way I guess I other underneath it’s scrupulous to ev- lucky just fi gured it out,” he quipped. gaze. My Valentine’s dinner nursed each new glass. Then But don’t there were problems - so for eryone. twelve. The music came from an had, in the way it needed to, ac- In op- you notice the Sens- iPod in the corner of the room complished its aim. Valentine’s Day my plan was cumin? foolproof. Momofuku Ko, a position ing that full of Beach Boys, Dylan, and Sadly the answer to our new restaurant in the East Vil- to the the res- Beatles tunes. “Who chooses question is not, at least right lage, Zagat’s “best newcomer” forced taurant’s the music, everybody?” I asked now, as simple as David Chang of 2009 and the magnum opus fl ash of supposed Andy. might hope. Our Valentine’s of the infamously radical New his new “casual” “David Chang,” said Day dinner at Momofuku Ko York super-chef, David Chang master- crowd Andy—he continued to use cultivated mixed feelings. We was the destination -- if I could work, we couldn’t help but no- wouldn’t be so casual, we Chang’s full name throughout felt less welcome there than really get a reservation, and tice the slightest strain of noble dressed up – and made the right the night in the little I got out in establishments with stricter not spend any money during intention peeking through the choice. The woman sitting next of him. I asked him about the dress codes and longer histories March. True to Momofuku Ko’s restaurant’s polished veneer of to us had on the biggest fucking menu: of culinary accolades. Perhaps carefully calculated exclusive cool. The reservation system, diamond ring I’ve ever seen: so “We change it every three in his other restaurants Chang’s mystique, the reservation sys- though aggravating, is an effec- much for equal-opportunity eat- months.” bullshit haute-cuisine-for-the- tem was a real pain in the ass. tive tool to even the food-frenzy ing. “Do you all collaborate on people mantra might be less The registration opens at 10:00 playing fi eld where those with The food was great, but the it, like in a think-tank?” convoluted by the bullshittery a.m. on their website, fi rst-come special connections or lots of chefs were cold. They worked “No, we just work.” of fi ne dining in New York City. fi rst-serve, and reservations are money win. Granted, Momofu- mechanically, only speaking That night Andy prepared, Because the lengths Chang has gone by 10:01. The place has ku Ko is not fucking cheap - but to patrons to recite extrava- among many other strange but had to go to in order to let (al- twelve seats. I nearly pooped anyone who can scrape together gant descriptions of the plates delicious dishes, “crispy chick- most) anyone into Momofuku my pants when I got one. the funds for a special occasion, they prepared. Closest to us en skin and Italian black truffl es Ko, and the nature of exclusiv- Momofuku Ko is Chang’s and a quick draw of a mouse can was Andy, a New Yorker with atop pasta with snail sausage.” ity (especially in a place like most recent frustratingly eventually secure one of Ko’s wide, unblinking, cocaine-eyes The strangest of his dishes was the East Village) seem to be “hip”addition to his restaurant only twelve coveted seats. and a backwards baseball cap. by far the foie gras shaved over working together against him empire, spearheading a new As Valentine’s Day drew He moved in the kitchen like a lychees. -- damning his said original generation of culinary-hipster near, our curiosity grew. Was robot. “You guys seem pretty We started to feel unwel- purpose. The staff radiated an pomp. As understated as the Momofuku Ko’s secrecy shtick intense,” I said. Looking up he come. Maybe we were being unsheathed, hostile sense of en- website describes - “we try and just another smirking wheeze only responded “It doesn’t feel too forward - the other chefs titlement that, despite even their serve delicious American food” of hot air, or their way of pre- intense,” and then conceded, seemed to be staring at us. Had surprising and fantastic menu, -- Ko’s food is more accurately serving a good thing now made “We’re all working to ‘turn we drunk too much wine? Did was not palatable. Whether or a global synthesis focusing on available to the normal food- over’ the restaurant.” they think we were reporters, not David Chang suffers from Asian and French styles The loving public? I pressed on, determined: agents of infi ltration or usurpers the same phenomenon is simply And we went to fi nd out. “How’d you get this job. Did of cool? irrelevant.

co-owner of the latest location like the smooshing process at in midtown, saw pizzacone res- Cold Stone Creamery, if Cold by Sean Patrick Kelly taurants during various business Stone topped their ice cream EXECUTIVE CO-EDITOR trips to South America and Eu- with… meat), and the gooey If you are like most Ameri- rope and was surprised that they amorphous mass is stuffed into cans, then you must undoubt- weren’t in New York. a cone lined with either pesto edly be campaigning – nay, Before you ask, the answer or tomato sauce. The entire ap- fi ghting tooth and nail – to is “Yes, a pizzacone is ex- paratus is then baked for fi ve change how pizza is consumed actly what it sounds like.” In minutes in a special oven com- in this country. Sure, the freezer its most raw form, it is a slice plete with cone racks (editor’s aisle of your local mega-mart of pizza housed in a cone – its note: I want one) and put in a is full of alternative pizza solu- defi ning mark is the par-baked happy-meal-like box. A small tions (APSs): Bagel Bites, Pizza pizza crust cone. The cones pizzacone goes for $4.90, and Rolls, Hot Pockets and etc. But are baked in Connecticut and a large for $5.90 -- much more these items merely provide an then shipped into the city sev- expensive than the standard illusion of variety. In reality eral times per week. To order New York slice, but novelty al- they are all plagued with perni- one, the eager customer ap- ways charges a price. cious functional fi xedness, and I like my pizza like I like my men... proaches the counter (which is But K! Pizzacone is some- relegate novel pizza-consump- rolled in dough set up almost like a Pinkberry what remarkable, because their tion techniques to the level of toppings station, if Pinkberry taste and freshness are not to- the slice a run for its money. Pizzacone has been the subject mere snacking (just take a look topped their yogurt with meat) tally eclipsed by novelty appeal. That restaurant: K! Pizzacone of discussion among pizza lud- at how many APSs come only in and is confronted immediately Granted, the ubiquitous greasy, (located at 325 5th Avenue at dites since its opening was fi rst the form of bite-sized pieces). It by a wide array of possible fi ll- fl oppy fl at slice that can be ob- 32nd street), which opened announced. seems that the archetypical slice ings, ranging from sausage to tained on just about every block its doors for the fi rst time to Though K! Pizzacone had continues to operate as the Pla- jalapeno peppers and including of the city has a uniquely satis- throngs of food-writers and cu- generated a signifi cant amount tonic form of pizza-in-general, such oddities as bananas foster fying fl avor that is diffi cult to rious onlookers on Feb 22nd. A of buzz here in New York, the and all other options are only and scrambled eggs. All piz- match. The pizzacone manages tiny walk-in place with brightly concept is old news in many poor refl ections within that zacones can be made to order – to simultaneously compete well painted mustard-yellow walls other parts of the world, namely form. but you can steal an idea from with standard New York pizza and blown up high resolution Portugal, Brazil and Italy. For- But -- there’s a light at the the menu, like pepperoni and while avoiding stepping on any shots of their eponymous prod- mer Portuguese banker-turned- end of a tunnel. One small res- mozzarella, vegetarian tomato toes. The concept is innovative, uct (the pepperoni pizzacone franchisee Ingo Pinto fi rst took taurant in midtown Manhattan and basil, or scrambled egg and the ingredients are fresh, and it photo in the middle is marred the concept to New York say- has taken the onus upon itself bacon. Whatever you select is tastes pretty damn good to boot; by a black hair perched on top ing, “If it worked in Italy, it will to reinvent the wheel and give then mixed together with moz- what’s not to love? of the cheese… just sayin’), K! work here.” Pinto, manager and zarella cheese in a bowl (much page 20 the paper march 10, 2010 New York City museum

the paper’s guide to high culture in new york! Exhibits

What: Miroslav Tichy Exhibit @ The International Center of Photography

Where: 1113 Avenue of the Americas

When: January 29-May 9

Here’s the deal. Miroslav Tichy has been photographing women from his hometown for over forty years now. His technique? Some may call it unconventional. Most call it voyeurism. That’s right, most of Tichy’s body of work consists of photographs taken without the subject’s knowledge. Tichy also makes his own cameras. Out of cardboard. Some say his diy mindset allowed him to take so many pictures, as most of his subjects probably thought of him as nothing more than a man trying to take photographs with his magical space camera.

What: Museum of the American What: “Skin Fruit: Selections from the Dakis Joannou Gangster Collection” @ The New Museum

Where: 80 St. Marks Place Where: 235 Bowery

When: Forever! When: March 3- June 6

This shrine to America’s most Charles Foster Kane ain’t got shit on Dakis Joannou, a billionaire violent heroes comes complete with art collector from Athens who boasts one of the worlds largest prohibition era antiquities and an contemporary art authentic speakeasy. No word on collections. Joannou whether that comes with alcohol, is loaning 100 works which would probably be moonshine from his personal or basement beer poisoned by the collection to the New government if the place really were authentic. There’s sure to be plenty Museum for his fi rst of guns, however, which means the place satisfi es at least one American exhibition in the desire. The place isn’t just limited United States. I guess to gangsters of the twenties, art collection exhibits however. The exhibit features are like show and tell the mugs of infamous New York for really rich people. criminals, like Carlo Gambino, I’d watch out if I were Stephanie St. Claire, and Ellsworth Joannou, however. “Bumpy” Johnson. True story: I’ve These type of settings never heard of any of those people. always seem to attract clumsy but lovable klutzes. It’s inevitable, some Admission $10 yutz will be admiring a priceless vase, trying to impress some cute girl What: Charles Addams’s New no doubt, when suddenly he steps back, bumps a mannequin covered York @ The Museum of the City in dildos and sets of a chain of events that leaves $20 million worth of of New York modern art destroyed. Student admission is $8.

Where: 1220 Fifth Ave. What: Iannis Xenakis: Composer, Architect, Visionary @ When: March 4- May 16 NYC Drawing Center

Where: 35 Wooster St. Charles Addams is a legendary New Yorker cartoonist who drew the cartoons that would When: Now- April 8 later inspire the many “Addams Family” adaptations. Addams’s portrayed New York Iannis Xenakis lost his left eye after a bomb exploded an eerie and whimsical metropolis, many on top of him during WWII. That’s pretty badass, times adding a supernatural element to his especially when he began his career as a composer/ drawings for good measure. When it comes to architect. Xenakis was a leading fi gure in the avant- awesomely creepy, Tim Burton’s got nothing garde movement. He developed spectacular building on Charles Addams. A special section of the designs, many of them inconceivably abstract and exhibit is dedicated to the evolution of the impossible to construct with modern equipment. For Addams Family throughout the cartoons. His his compositions he would transpose parabolas and renderings of New York are a treat for anyone mathematical equations into musical notes, creating into Gotham cityscapes. Admission is $10. new and exciting sounds. Admission? We don’t need no stinking admission. This one’s free, kiddos. march 10, 2010 the paper page 21 the paper’s big list

by the paper ing to the all-powerful Internet). you make a square. I learned this get about everything and drink onerate Galileo for his “crimes” STAFF OF MILLIONS The AMERICAN FLAG, be- from the not-so-classic Nickel- your worries away. If something of being “false and contrary to SEVERAL cause we be reppin’ the States to odeon cartoon Chalk World and were ever wrong, the adminis- Scripture” by suggesting he- e here at the paper have the rest of the world: red, white, also from that award-winning tration would let you know, and liocentrism. Things take time. Wbeen tirelessly trying to and blue. If Fordham wants to foreign fi lm Pan’s Labyrinth. even then they would probably And Catholics are big on ritual. fi gure just what would possess truly refl ect the motto: “New The folks in the administration have the issue resolved by the Who are we, the mere student the Fordham administration to York Is My Campus, Fordham are cultured people, so they no time the news got to you. Seri- body (that keeps the institu- pass on USG’s Maroon Square Is My School,” then implement- doubt watched both of these ously, guys. Everything is under tion economically afl oat) to de- proposal. We’ve seen the print- ing a Blue Square would clearly things and came to the same control. mand a complete abandonment ed document. That thing was be USG’s most logical goal in conclusion. Then do you know In the event of an emergen- of Church doctrine? Advocacy classy. We’re talking laminat- their next push for a Fordham what they thought about? The cy, Fordham has taken the liber- for such an impure shape as a ed cover, metal fasteners, and Marijuana Advocacy Demon- Lion, the Witch, and the Ward- ties of injecting a small device square just couldn’t happen at bullet-points. Thing was the stration Area. into the base of an institution of higher learning, works. In addition to that, and, by Elena every student’s and shouldn’t happen. as we’ve said time and time Lightbourn spine. When by Sarah Madges again in this issue, free-speech CHIEF COPY triggered, the EARWAX EDITOR on a college campus seems like EDITOR device will re- a given. You’d think that a col- lease a small Fr. McShane’s Psychosomatic lege that is trying to move “ever Communists! sedative that Response to the Color Red upward” would invest more in Free speech, pub- will instantly It’s a good thing Fr. McShane its student’s liberties. But, as lic spaces, “commu- “deactivate” isn’t red-green colorblind. If he we learned recently, the Ma- nity” action… Sure, students for were, that would cause him to roon Square proposal has been you red bastards the duration of constantly confuse his most fa- waived and replaced with “com- thought you could any emergen- vorite and most feared things. promise.” Basically, the good pull one over on the cy situation. It’s well known that Fordham’s guys lost. So in order to make Fordham administra- When students president’s favorite thing in the sense of this confusion, the pa- tion. Well, I’m here awake, equi- world is money. Hell, we’ve per has asked its think-tank (re: to tell you that you librium will given him our fair share of it. our editorial staff) to think of were wrong. Dead have already But did you know that even see- the most logical reasons why wrong. Don’t think been restored ing the color green gets Daddy the administration shot down we weren’t on to it by the loving Mac salivating and panting USG’s proposal. The results from the beginning; Fordham Ad- more than Pavlov’s dogs in a follow: you approached us A young Joseph McShane, shortly ministration. wind tunnel of wind chimes? innocently enough, after the death of his brother, Tito Your admin- True story. The guy’s avarice Subliminal Threat Implied by talking about pleasant McShane istrators love skyrockets to the point where the Color Maroon subjects like “rights” and “free- robe. Do you guys remember you, Fordham students. Talking he’s been seen hoarding freshly Let’s face it. Maroon isn’t dom”, but we smelled something that one? Yeah, neither do I, but hurts. It’s dangerous and bound watered grass in hopes of con- well-liked. Nearly nobody fi shy before you even walked I do remember what was on the to cause discomfort. Your ad- verting it to “McShane Dollars” names it as their favorite col- in the room. What, aside from other side of the titular ward- ministration acts with your best and spending is on extravagant or, but naturally, maroon has anarchy and low morals, does robe: Narnia. Yes, it’s scary to interests in mind. Everything is Applebee’s-quality dinners at been Fordham’s color since freedom of expression lead to? think that you can open up a O.K. Everything is fi ne. Every- Dagger John’s. Again, we’ve all God-knows-when. Wine, red Communist propaganda, that’s wardrobe and fi nd yourself in thing is O.K. spent dollars x 1000 here, so this velvet cake, blood… what do what. If we open a free speech a whole different world, but it’s by Alex Gibbons seems pretty obvious. What you these things have in common? zone on our campus, we’re ba- not so scary if that world was CO-EDITOR-IN-CHIEF may not know, however, is that They’re maroon. What does that sically laying out the welcome constructed by noted Christian red conjures up his deepest and actually mean? I don’t know, mat for the Reds. You say it’s C.S. Lewis. But what if, instead Geocentrism most ingrained of fears: lava. but what I’m really getting at is our responsibility to “uphold of opening a closet onto Jesus- “Oh circle, she is so divine. That’s right, Fr. McShane that USG should re-outline their students’ rights”, but what about Lion, you tapped a brick in Di- Her curve is round, unlike the is afraid of lava. This happened proposal using a different color: our responsibility to guard your agon Alley and found yourself line.” This may seem like a when the guy was living back blue. young, porous, China-doll frag- in a pagan wizarding world? complete non sequitur given the in Waikiki, playing what he “Why blue?” you ask. As I ile minds from fi lth and obscen- Exactly. The administration topic of this list entry, but this is thought was a harmless game stated six seconds ago, maroon ity? Are we to abandon that thought about that, too. They a short poem written by an anon- of “the fl oor is made of lava.” is the color of blood and war duty and invite in an inevitable also thought about how high ymous poet about, of course, the He and Catholic playmates –exactly what, thanks to the deluge of seditious literature they would sound if they tried circle. Because of its symme- wandered away from the path, “Maroon” in the title “Maroon and Soviet lies? Well, students to explain this. They fi gured it try, the circle has always been and ended up losing his little Square,” does OSCLD subcon- we’re calling N.I.M.B.Y. (Not would be better to say nothing considered the perfect shape: a brother Tito McShane to the sciously believe will happen if In My Back Yard) on this one. and let us assume that their rea- symbol for the total symmetry molten abyss. As he looked on Fordham implements the space? Communism has ruined young sons for opposing the Maroon of the divine, a Christian sym- in horror, he was forced to con- Blue is known to be a calming people abroad, and we’ll be Square are really ethically and bol for eternity, and the sleeping tinue jumping from solid rock color, so its usage will convey damned if we ever let that hap- epistemologically complex, but eye of God (see: Genesis 1:2). to solid rock, until he could a message of peace to OSCLD pen here at home. Our founding I am here to reveal the truth. As a Jesuit institution, I am not get away from the danger. He and the Fordham administra- fathers did not fi ght to build this And I swear I’m not high. at all surprised at the adminis- never seemed to be able to let tion, as opposed to the violence, country just to have it signed by Emily Genetta tration’s opposition to a Maroon it go. Making a Maroon Square, anarchy, and imminent mas- away and sold out to the com- EXECUTIVE CO-EDITOR Square. I mean, really? The be- which he would inevitably have sacres implied by a Maroon munists, and we fully intend lieved perfection of circles kept to walk on, would cripple the Square. to follow their example here at Everything is O.K. us egocentric fools believing in guy, reveal him jumping from Blue is also a very “New Fordham. So next time you’re Everything is O.K. Noth- a geocentric universe for years. backpack to blanket to protes- York” color. Think about it. The lambasting the powers that be ing is ever wrong. Creating a Fr. McShane and co. are simply tor in a psychologically high Yankees: navy blue, white. The for “ignoring” your rights, just free-speech zone would only trying to uphold Catholic tradi- stakes game of “the fl oor is Mets: blue, orange, white, and remember this: you’re doing ex- be a waste of space, as there are tion. made of lava,” this time out to black. The Islanders: navy blue, actly what the communists want no social ills and no wrongdo- Sure, you might call this an- take his life. This is too poten- orange, and white. The Giants: you to do. ings that would ever need ad- tiquated, citing the Copernican tially embarrassing towards our blue, gray, red, and white. New by Sean Patrick Kelly dressing. Everything is perfect revolution that taught us that fi gurehead for Fordham as an York State license plate color EXECUTIVE CO-EDITOR at Fordham, in New York City, maybe the universe didn’t have institution to risk such a slip scheme: blue. Columbia Univer- America, the World, Universe, to be organized in a way that up to occur, perhaps in front of sity: Columbia blue, white. New Opening Up A Portal to and everywhere. Try some revered the circle in order to the people from U.S. News and York State Flag background: Another World soma, relax, it’s delicious. How revere God. But you do realize World Report. blue. Jay Z’s favorite color: Opening up a portal to anoth- about some beer? Maybe you that it took until 1992 for the by Bobby Cardos “blue or light green” (accord- er world is a possibility anytime should just go to tribar, for- Catholic Church to offi cially ex- CO-EDITOR-IN-CHIEF page 22 the paper march 10, 2010 release of Sleep’s Holy Mountain, and the idea that Matt Pike is still writing and recording in the same vein is absurd. Nobody refers to Brian Eno’s solo work as glam rock because of Roxy Music’s sound, and the body of Pike’s work shouldn’t have to be classifi ed in the same way. Perhaps a fairer critique that Pike will have to deal with for the rest of his recording career is comparing everything in his discography to that album. Because of Holy Mountain’s sudden and indelible impact, fans will always yearn for more of what could have been and perpetually hope for a return to that sound. Pike apparently resolves this issue by giving a huge middle fi nger to all of his backwards- looking fans. Snakes For The Hey Fordham! It’s spring! That don’t create a new sound on beginning with the short and myth or epic poem. The nine- Divine is High on Fire’s fi fth means: Eddie’s will be littered the album so much as deepen sweet “On a Good Day.” The minute penultimate parable, studio album (one more than Pike ever did with Sleep) and with humans and their litter, the one that fi rst set her apart understated, harmony-rich “Kingfi sher,” showcases Jim eliminates all of the elements from we get a break (and another from other femme folk-rock “You and Me, Bess” heralds O’Rourke’s collaboration, Sleep’s sound that had permeated one for Jesus!), all work and musicians. (Though I suppose the epic “In California,” as he infl uenced her addition previous records. The amplifi ed no play makes Jack a dull boy, her allusive narrative lyrics and whose melody and theme of of eastern blues-based class attendance will plummet, squeaky nymph voice also aided lost love is revisited in Disc instruments guitar, bathing suit clad-biddies will this distinction). Three’s woebegone track, like the perpetually lie out whether or not it’s sunny, “Easy” begins the album “Do Not Suffi ce.” The harp kaval, which down-tempo day drinking, and the most with Newsom’s slow, clear and vocals gradually broaden mimics a kind rhythms, and important event of the year voice that juxtaposes the with the orchestral majesty of Kingfi sher the lazy vocals takes place: Spring Weekend: staccato strings and powerfully of prior songs, highlighting bird’s littered with an entire 72 hours devoted to punctuated piano triads, Joanna’s subdued lamentations cackling marijuana cruisin’ and boozin’ regardless while drums, a chirping fl ute, that persist in the stirring caw. At our references of how shitty the band is (you’ll and horns lend a thicker pop lovelorn voice-and-harp ballad, journey’s have been be too fucked up to know what song tonality atypical of her “Jackrabbits.” “Go Long” is end, the last replaced with music is anyway). This year we work. The succeeding eleven- another tribute to Newsom’s track, “Does a thrash-based got MGMT. I mean, that’s no minute title track nods back new approachability as it ambles Not Suffi ce,” sound that Guster (I make a joke!), but the to the serpentine structure and forth with a stoical harp that does in emphasizes Brooklyn duo’s been pumping expansiveness of Ys, while the provides the perfect foundation fact suffi ce. Appealing back the visceral and violent. Greg out of movie soundtracks, dorm smoothness that now substitutes for Newsom’s vaguely to “Easy,” the album’s theme Fidelman, the album’s producer, rooms, and even Mugz’s for Newsom’s characteristically lugubrious and metaphoric of coping with existential revived the stagnating careers of Metallica and Slayer on their months now, so they’ve gotta squeaky voice has a perfect lyrics. Only at the song’s end unavoidables fi zzles out in the more recent albums, and injects be something special, right? marriage with the legato do other instruments thicken scene’s honesty “of how easy that same energy and sense of Plus, psychadelic synth-pop languidness of the harp. The the lonely texture, but even then [she] was not,” as she packs urgency to this one. Whereas electro-rokk begs for campus’s lyrics recall Newsom’s playful the effect is beautifully forlorn. away her delicate clothes and previous High on Fire albums contagion (spring fever) to poesy: “Here’s Lola—ta da!— Finally, “Occident” regains leaves a lover. Her voice is tinkered with production and the break out full force. That, and to do her famous Spider Dance some of Newsom’s gumption, toned to truth without a trace instruments’ sounds from song to hallucinogenics. for you!” Syncopated hand claps beginning with the fervent of pathetic desperation just song, each song here carries the -SM follow as the song surges with exclamation: “Mercy me, as the song itself is “stripped same sonic pummeling. Pike, the Bulgarian kaval (an open- the night is long!” Even with down,” slowly adding strings who usually alternates between JOANNA NEWSOM ended shepherd’s fl ute) from just catchy piano chords and until the dizzying climax. his angry growl and modal voice, Have One on Me Joanna the Raconteur, to Joanna hushed wire brush drum beats Before dissolving into repeated now almost exclusively growls at Discs 1 & 2 by Sarah Madges the Boozer: “I was drunk and as accompaniment, Joanna’s lalas and crashing chords, she the listener. In short, this album is Disc 3 by Kaitlin Campbell half-dead…Don’t you worry passionate register gives this provides a concrete image much more energetic and pissed (STAFF SUPERFANS) for me! Have one on me!” The cogent plea a life that trades of the last line’s desolation: off than prior ones, as if Pike is following ditty, the euphonic pathos for sheer earnestness. “everywhere I tried to love doing everything he can to forget If someone asked me what and childish “‘81,” features So ends the fi rst hour + of Have you is yours again and only the relaxed, bonged-out vibe I thought of the movie Titanic, only the harp and her sweetly One On Me, proving that while yours.” The expansive violins he created so well with Sleep’s my fi rst thought would be “It’s sweeping voice that lacks the this isn’t for casual listening or fade into a “blank and rinsing” discography. long.” While Joanna Newsom’s gravitas her sentiments suggest. background noise, it also isn’t sound of completeness, tying For most of this album, the newest album, Have One On The ironically titled “Good as pretentiously unpalatable as the album together in spite of songwriting also matches the band’s intensity. The opening Me, splits 18 songs over three Intentions Paving Co” stands some have said before of her any imperfections and its wide- title track has a classic thrash discs with 14 apart from yelping voice and anachronistic ranging compilation of styles. intro that would even make Kerry lasting over the rest with a lyrics. -KC King smile. The fi rst single six minutes, bluesy chords -SM “Frost Hammer” (a reference that same progression “Soft as Chalk,” begins to Celtic Frost, one of the more word could and fl ounce, Disc Three, combining different brutal bands in metal’s harsh never be followed instruments’ dialogues to history), builds into a delightfully my default by the less contrast the organized melody melodic and vicious crescendo. descriptor impressive with folkloric instruments as And “Holy Flames of the Fire for an album “No a continuous piano melody Spitter” demonstrates the band’s with so many Provenance.” creates a rapport, seemingly ability to write songs that add an descriptions The answering her call: “Whoooo is easy fl ow to the violence typical contained contrapuntal there?” Next comes the soothing of the genre. While lacking in its own “Baby Birch” “Esme,” the starkly punctuated the structural complexity of storied features the “Autumn,” and the quaint fable Master of Puppets, it highlights symphony. Have One On Me harp as point and Francesconi’s “Ribbons Bows,” which are the complicated guitar riffs introduces a singular style of electric guitar as counterpoint, nostalgic of her 2004 album, HIGH ON FIRE and progressions the band songwriting, giving the diverse blending an acoustic, tambura Milk-Eyed Mender in recycling Snakes for the Divine impressively ties together in a instrumentation and breadth (Bulgarian lute), banjo, themes of nature through her Eamon Stewart fundamentally sound way. of Ys a musical makeover that mandolin, and a soprano harp compositions dynamically Snakes For The Divine intends to be violent and loud diminishes the polarizing effect recorder to form a rewardingly punctuated by a string quartet, Enough with degrading High throughout, and succeeds. While her sprawling fables often rich texture beneath her mandolin, and tambura. But just On Fire to just being some stoner it certainly isn’t about to redirect had. Touring bandmate Ryan simpering voice. when you secure a certain sound metal band. Yes, Matt Pike’s the crass canon of metal music Francesconi’s arrangements Though still a staggering or narrative, she abandons the previous band, Sleep, was one of the more important bands to or inspire legions of converted coupled with Joanna’s newly work, Disc Two is the least fabled quality and forbids us to popularize stoner metal. But it’s followers, the intensity of the assertive and soulful timbre, stunning of the three discs, turn the song into an esoteric been seventeen years since the production and general quality of march 10, 2010 the paper page 23 songwriting make it worthwhile Albarn’s melancholic-droll- of sweat). They manage to a beautiful acoustic version of performing, and touring. With for anybody who has an ear for through-a-megaphone routine combine rusted, shredded bass “She’s The One.” Japanther is this new sound they cultivate, metal. informing us of environmental and heavy drums with a hyphy also a big fan of collaborators, they’ll certainly be around catastrophes to come on back beat without being kitschy; and features poet Eileen Myles’ for a lot longer, continuing to “Rhinestone Eyes.” “Stylo” you could never accuse them haunting recitation over reverb scream into their telephone is the track that will surely of ‘pop’. Nor are they riding in the second track, “L.A. Ura microphones and harkening become the popular hallmark of any sort of trend wave, having Mystery.” However, vocalist back to a time before Autotune the album, with its slow-rising thrived for eight years in a Matt Reilly will be the only was cool. electric warbles, and the always music scene where longevity is live singer for the time being – soft-spoken Mos Def spitting notoriously diffi cult to attain. Sparrows is a Californian, and about some kind of electronic They’ve released more than most Japanther shows are in the apocalypse. What steals the a handful of EPs and CDs New York/ East Coast area. song is the rough crying of ‘70s (eight are widely available for Brooklyn has a vibrant R&B crooner Bobby Womack, purchase, though the smaller music scene, but it’s an now 66, who feels strangely and more obscure ones are more unfortunate fact that bands die welcome on a song that could diffi cult to procure) and have just as quickly as they rise there. GORILLAZ be classifi ed as club music. The shown no signs of losing any In spite of this impediment to Plastic Beach next few tracks sound pretty steam or growing stale. Their success, Japanther is one of the by Will Yates standard with a few exceptions, latest album, Rock ‘n’ Roll Ice few that has managed to not namely “Superfast Jellyfi sh,” an Cream, steps into new territory simply survive but to thrive, Paul Simonon, Snoop Dogg, unabashedly goofy track about with a new female vocalist, and continuously producing, Lou Reed and The Lebanese sea creatures and breakfast could arguably be considered National cereal. An one of their best yet. Five Bands Pretending to Be Other Bands Orchestra unexpected The album opens with for Oriental joy comes “She’s The One,” a high-octane (and sometimes doing a better job): Arabic Music up with ode to the female counterpart are just a “Some Kind to a life of cigarettes and beer Wild Honey Pie-The Pixies portion of of Nature,” in loud suburban basements. some of the featuring The signature Japanther deeply- Twelve minutes into The White Album, The Beatles give us “Wild unlikely Lou Reed’s hazed bass takes a backseat to collaborators leathery, a hot-footed beat track; as the Honey Pie,” a tune rooted in camp folk but contradicted by the on the latest warm voice danciest track on the album, vibrato guitar and thumping drums that enter halfway through, album by one encrypting it works wonderfully as the interspersed with Clapton guitar solos and Lennon’s acoustic com- of the most messages opener. The vocals bark over positions. The Pixies, on the other hand, begin their At the BBC collaboration- about the a minimal tambourine and compilation with a version recorded at the height of their Surfer heavy music groups ever. degraded state of nature and the confront a subject atypical to Rosa/Doolittle peak. And it rocks. Actually, it would be untrue to disturbing realities with which Japanther. While the actual call Gorillaz anything other than we are somehow able to live. word “love” is never uttered, the -NM a loose collection of musicians, Although it’s hard to identify lyrics’ simplistic emotions: “and producers, cartoonists, and the exact center of this work, when you go I hope you’re in Bitches Ain’t Shit-Ben Folds actors who have converged in its nebulous, tune/ and various combinations only three wandering that you times in the last eleven years. qualities befi t rhyme” After the harmonized whispers”bitches ain’t shit,” you notice that, Fortunately for us, when they do a semi-concept make it yes, that’s really a Ben Folds cover of Dr. Dre. The chorus of be- converge, they end up making album about obvious nign voices paradoxically blend with harpsichord tones and synths. some of the weirdest, most pollution and that Hearing him speak-sing with such earnestness: “It’s my little cousin likeable and downright cool apathy. From that’s the music out there. Plastic Beach the genre- subject. Daz and he’s fuckin’ my hoe. I uncocked my shit. I’m heart-broken is, of course, no exception. It bending guest The but I’m still locked” is too good. rises to the hopes of longtime appearances, the album is -SM fans and also to the expectations soaring orchestral dancier of those of us who were simply overtures, the than their mesmerized the fi rst time we ocean sound previous Hey Ya!-Matt Weddle heard “Clint Eastwood” in effects on each track and other ones, highlighting the sampling late 2000. It centers around idiosyncratic touches, it holds their sound is usually ripe Whether you loved the upbeat craziness of Outkast’s Hey Ya! or “the melancholy of buying a its own as a very fresh piece with. The mosh-level beat set hated its obnoxious repetition, this rendition will please both camps. ready-made meal with loads of work amid a sea of tired beats by “She’s The One” continues plastic packaging around it… and clichés that characterize through “Surfi n Coffi n” and Matt Weddle has a solemn, heartfelt voice that melds with the mel- this detritus that surrounds the pop music. It may not spawn the “Not at War,” the former of ody of his acoustic guitar as he manages to make a song people love celebrity voyeurism,” as Damon popularity of previous albums, which is punchy and banging dancing to a song people love crying to. All the flippancy is lost as Albarn, the mastermind behind but it’s clear Albarn and the rest and impossible to remain he actually articulates the lyrics with sincerity: “Why are we so in the group, describes it. Whether of his hugely creative crew are motionless throughout. The denial when we know we’re not happy here?” Gold. or not that exact image comes still at their best. From what I latter is a big fuck-you to through on this sometimes- can tell, Plastic Beach is proof relationship bullshit, jumping -SM poppy, sometimes-orchestral positive that the Gorillaz we’ve up and down and screaming: album is debatable. That being known for a decade are pushing “You said you wouldn’t dance Mr. Grieves-TV on the Radio said, there is clearly some kind of the limits of music and art. no more/ You ask me what I ecological message in the lyrics, came here for/ Not a war.” although, strangely, it doesn’t What really makes the album Back before they were critically acclaimed, genre-defining indie seem to be an entirely hopeless stand out, however, is the vocal rock gods TV on the Radio were just dudes from Brooklyn that or even negative one. It seems addition of Anita Sparrows of liked making crazy, pretty music. This cover takes the Pixies’ a- to be less about pollution and the Soviettes. Drummer Ian rhythmically tempo-changing pile of chords and smoothes it out destruction than the substitution Vanek cited ‘60s girl groups as a into an a cappella spiritual. Supported only by a metronomic snap, of plastic with the natural order. major infl uence on their sound, the band turns even the most flippant of Pixies lyrics into haunting The tracks themselves follow a and described the new course very linear movement, so I’m as “something we’ve always elegies. And they sound pretty fucking gorgeous, too. unsure if many of them will wanted to do, a direction we -AO be able to be the kind of vastly wanted to grow into”. Sparrows popular stand-alones such as chimes in on most of the tracks, Lithium-The Polyphonic Spree “Feel Good, Inc.” and “Dirty most notably “Surfi n’ Coffi n,” Harry” that Gorillaz made in the JAPANTHER a particularly nostalgic track past. It begins with an organ- Rock ‘n’ Roll Ice Cream that pays homage to beach Who ever thought a choral symphonic rock band with upwards of heavy and surprisingly mellow by Mickie Meinhardt rock without losing the blurry 13 members would cover Grunge King Kurt Cobain’s “Lithium”? track with Snoop Dogg telling distortion, and “$100 Dollar Well, they did. Where Nirvana’s version is replete with fuzzed out the future’s children to not give Brooklyn duo Japanther Remix,” a slower version of the guitars and Kurt’s gravelly voice, this one features an offensively up on the world. “White Flag” fi rst threw their fuzzy, hip-hop- original (which fi rst premiered happy-go-lucky piano line, violins, and an electric guitar over which follows with a fun Lebanese infused hat in the garage rock on the 2007 album Skuffed Up intro and the aggressive verses ring in 2001, and have since My Huffy) which softens with the vocals perfectly harmonize. Even with such twee pop levity, the of London-based rappers Bashy become notorious for insanely the new vocals. Sparrows also chorus rocks with roaring distorted guitar chords and their interpre- and Kano. It really starts to feel energetic live performances has her own track, the fi nal tation of screaming, which is almost angsty and definitely perfect. like the Gorillaz we know with (beer showers, mosh pits, lots song, “Alone In the Basement,” -SM page 24 the paper february 24, 2010