TThehe CCenturionenturion

All the yellow journalism--about Bucks--that’s unfit to print.

The week of March 30, 2009 www.bucks-news.com Volume: 44 Issue: 11 New mascot for Bucks INSIDE Few knew what a Centurion was, or Administration that it was Bucks’ mascot. Now meet says sleeping in class healthy Bucky the Bucks’ Buck, the new, NEWS PAGE 2 more recognizable mascot.

Cheaters found to were the Centaurs, Libertines BY LAURA IRWIN be pumpkin eaters Head-hunting Honcho and Bucky. BEYOND BUCKS PAGE 4 “I just didn’t get why we It’s true that not many students would go from being one Physical Plant at Bucks are involved in obscurely-named team to extracurricular activities. another,” said SGA President exposed: Duct tape It’s true that those involved felt Seth Gansman. “Centaur was holds up Rollins that a Centurion did not repre- just like Centurion, as well as sent team spirit or strike fear in Libertine on the obscurity SCIENCE PAGE 5 their opponents hearts. level. And to tell you the truth, And it’s also true that few there were several other ani- Gullibility study understood what a Centurion mal-based drawings that were shows 200 percent actually is. submitted for consideration increase in But it’s not important now as that were pretty weak. Like the Student Government seals and donkeys. Those stu- factuality NO LONGER “CENTURIONS,” THE BUCKS BUCKS FEATURE THEIR NEW JERSEYS WITH MASCOT “BUCKY.” Association has unanimously dents didn’t come close once PHOTO BY MY NIKON D40 STUDENT DEATH PAGE 7 approved a mascot change. we got hold of a good Buck.” Initiated by student and SGA Jerseys were immediately almost immediately.” “The name was getting in the Journalism Treasurer Justin Derry, Bucky screen-printed with Bucky in The Bucks Baseball Bucks way of our goal of Bucks unifica- the Bucks Buck is a more recog- order for the first sport of the aren’t the only group excited tion,” Johnson said. “With program files for nizable and identifiable mascot. spring season to try out, the about a new look. The Black Bucky, we are all just Bucks.” Chapter 11 “Few knew that a Centurion championship-winning baseball Student Union will now be T-shirts are available in the ARTSY FARTSY PAGE 9 was a Roman soldier of 100 team. Bucky’s Student Union. bookstore to promote the new men,” said Matt Cipriano, direc- “We love it,” said Head Coach Why? mascot. A Modern tor of student life. “Not a lot of Mark Bohling. “It represents our Adviser for the club, Mark Additional promotional items, students also know that I am a aggressive playing and shapely Johnson, said that he had been like banners and flyers, are soon Hypocrisy: I wish world-renowned Suessaphone figures. I only wish I had an ani- trying to make the club name to follow. I was funny player.” mal represent me when I went to represent the true mission of the As the season opens for many OPRAH EDICT PAGE 10 SGA members went to several box Arturo ‘Thunder’ Gatti’ in group, which is accepting any spring sports, Bucks can now art students to design a new that TV show ‘Pros vs. Joes.’ I student as a member regardless cheer united, “We will, we will Automatic ‘A’ mascot. The top three choices might not have been knocked out of race. Buck you!” policy in effect FANCY NEWS CHANNEL 11 SPORTS Bookworms invade library Teams wish they had spectators BY JEN GOLDING Senior Literary Expert

Open try-outs for Since the Ancient Egyptians and Sumerians, worms have new mascot been regarded in literary lore as being worshiped as knowledge- Football team hits able and surprisingly well-read. In the Bucks library, this may homerun have been taken a little too liter- BUCKY’S SPORTS PAGE ally. Recent influxes of delicious WEATHER treats for the common earth- worm, such as rarely read books Monday : We now go live to and now defunct magazines, Ollie Williams in the storm, have created a sort of haven that Ollie? only insect enthusiasts could IT'S RAININ' SIDEWAYS! love. Disgusted and bewildered Tuesday : Sounds rough, have students have been startled to STUDENT FIND THEMSELVES HAVING TO SHAKE OUT BOOKS OFF THE LIBRARY SHELVES BEFORE STUDYING you got an umbrella? find the creepy crawlers infest- PHOTO BY CAMERAN AKED HAD ONE! ing large sections of the library Wednesday : Where is it? and have been reported in many promptly tum- would INSIDE OUT 2 MILES AWAY! areas of the stacks, from 101.3 all pointed to a rotten apple lying bled over the shelves in which later report. The shelves had to Thursday : Is there anything the way to 156.8 in the Dewey on the ground with a giant worm the books were encased, and cre- be replaced and order had to be we can do for you? Decimal system. wrapped around its rotten core. ated a domino effect with a restored. BRING ME SOME SOUP! What could have caused such “Some students are savages!” sound explosion that radiated “The books took 50 man hours Friday : What kind? an intriguing jump in the worm The worm infestation so star- throughout the entire library and to replace in proper Dewey

CHUNKY! populace? “It has to be the tled Laura Irwin that while caused her “huge levels of Decimal order. The damage that WEATHER COURTESY OF amount of apples lying around!” researching linear equations, she embarrassment,” as she herself 2 page on Continued OLLIE WILLIAMS said student Chris Johnson, who 2 Snews Wednesday, April 1, 2009 Geithner: Money grows on trees

BY TAJ CARR currency, which is being sub- and people’s The Mahal sidized by President Barack health. Obama’s stimulus package. “Don’t play Controversy surrounds No official date has been with dirt,” read Bucks as the federal govern- selected to implement this a poster in the ment announced it will be new currency plan. Bucks Early using the campus to test a Some local Bucks environ- Learning Center. revolutionary new form of mentalists have many con- “What’s going currency. cerns when it comes to this to happen when Secretary Treasury of the new form of currency. peoples’ United States Timothy Abrams Peters, a professor accounts become Geithner will use fallen of eco-environmental studies so low enough leaves as dollars, and grams said, “I think this plan is a and there aren’t of dirt as change. waste of time, and is just stu- enough fallen Geithner believes this new pid.” leaves? People form of currency will be ben- Peter believes Geithner’s are going to start eficial to the economy goals are honorable yet way picking up because it will pump more too misguided. leaves off ran- money into our markets. “It’s obvious in Adam’s dom trees just to

According to Geithner, it will book that an economic sys- put food on the THIS BUCKS STUDENT IS EXCITED AFTER “WINNING THE LOTTERY.” SHE PASSED BY A PILE OF also be good for the environ- tem based on falling leaves is table,” said FALLEN LEAVES. ment because only fallen dumb,” said an avid Peters, “This is leaves of a tree will be recy- Hitchhiker’s Guide to the going to kill and take away from be pointless to use dirt as cled and used as currency. Galaxy Fan who went by only trees and make all year fall.” America’s true competitive change because it will not fit “I’m literally thinking green his first name Ford. “Also, it’s Peters created a new organ- spirit. into vending machines on when it comes to rescuing the pretty clear that the people ization called “Leave Leaves Other students believe it is campus. economy and saving mother who are the descendants of Alone” whose mission is to just stupid. Another issue surrounding earth,” Geithner said. Earth are rejects from other stop the government’s plan to Other students think this this issue is the measure of Geithner was inspired by planets and anything they create this new currency. might be beneficial for counterfeit leaves. the popular book series have to say as far as econom- Some groups of students America’s broke economy. Many residents of Bucks “Hitchhiker’s Guide to the ic stimulus should be believe this form of spreading Other students think I own their own plastic plants Galaxy” written by Douglas ignored.” the wealth is an example of should have worn dressier which look real to be used as Adams, in which primitive One concern of that guy I Obama’s socialistic govern- clothes to class instead of money. The plan to imple- earthlings used leaves as cur- talked to is that it might ben- ment reform. sweatpants. ment the new currency is still rency. efit the economy, but it is An abundant source of Other students are wearing in debate, but if passed, it will Bucks has been selected as going to have an adverse income available to masses sweatpants. create money that does grow the test market for this new affect on the environment will create no class division Larry Kays thinks it would on trees. Library is creepy, crawly and slimey

continued from the front page of this newspaper that you are reading at this current moment and thanks for that we like it

Irwin inflicted was irrevocable,” a high-ranking library official would later state in a press release. Centurion Publication Schedule Although the worms don’t seem to be leaving anytime soon, students have grown increasingly The Centurion is published weekly on annoyed. “They are too loud for a library. I don’t know where they have learned their manners, but their library etiquette needs work. Often times when I go to sit down, the chair I had thought was calmly await- Mondays. ing my seating had been pulled out from under me. The worms are nuisances,” said Eric Nocito. Deadline for advertising is noon on the Another student agreed with the worms’ inability to be considerate of others. When David Nonini Wednesday before publication. asked, “Is it so hard to say please? Often times I have been reading a medical journal or something of high Publication dates for the fall 2008 semester are as significance when it is stolen out from under my nose. The level of frustration is quite high, indeed,” he said. follows: Other students, more specifically animal lovers, have met kindly with the influx of worms. “I love the (dates may be subject to change) company,” said one student. “I can also be called a ‘book worm’ and not feel emotionally hurt.” 4/7 4/21 5/5 Whether the college hires an exterminator to eradicate the worms, or appoints one among the worms as the 4/14 4/28 newest president of the college, is up for debate. What is for sure is that the library is definitely going to the worms.

Bucks County Community College’s Student Newspaper

To receive the Centurion’s Email Edition: Senior Staff Register at www.Bucks-News.com and a .PDF version of the newspaper Editor-in-Chief will be delivered directly to your email box. Laura Irwin Interactive Media/ Web Chris Johnson Letter Policy Managing Editors Student Life Liz Messina Sports Colin Gerrity Letters should be limited to 300 words. They will be edited for spelling and malicious or libelous Jen Golding and Photography Kisha Lowenthal statements, and may be edited for space. Letters must be the original work of the writer and Features Ian McLean must be signed. For identification purposes, letters must include the writer’s full name, address, Eric Nocito and telephone number, although the address and telephone numbers will not be published. Advising Additional Staff Send letters to: Tony Rogers Sara Crouse Centurion David Nonini 275 Swamp Rd Jamie Melgoza Newtown, PA 18940 Official Member Joanna Schlicher [email protected] 2008-2009 www.bucks-news.com/Letters to the Editor 215.968.8379 Wedsdee, April 1, 1909 Newsy Schmoosy 3 Cats gone wild!

BY DEBBIE HENRY to be a very large cat, “like a restaurants. Persian Cat Washer cougar maybe,” lurking in the But what is trees outside Tyler Hall as he new is their Yellow eyes glitter balefully was leaving class on Monday sudden seem- in the light of the full moon as night. “I’ve heard of cougar ing hostility they track the movement of sightings in residential areas, toward Bucks several Bucks students but I never believed them till students. trekking to their cars after now.” Notoriously evening class. Another student claims she shy, feral cats The night is cold and the was accosted in the parking ordinarily go group takes up a brisk pace, lot a week ago by a sickly- out of their feet stamping the pavement looking fox that she fears was way to avoid and breath visible in the rabid. “It was frothing at the all human con- frigid air. mouth and its eyes looked flict and that’s The watcher, however, crazy. I thought for sure it why the inex- seems oblivious to the chill as was going to go after me, but plicable rash he crouches within the then it just ran off.” of aggressive shrouded gloom of Tyler Another student is certain confrontations Woods, idly watching the he saw a wolf wandering is so baffling. progress of the young people. around the baseball diamond. Fortunately, But then, suddenly, one stu- But, all rumors aside, it turns none of the dent becomes separated from A NIGHTVISION CAMERA CAPTURED THIS PHOTO OF A FERAL CAT SNIPING FROM THE UNDERBRUSH out that the dastardly perpe- seven students IN LOT A the rest, and the watcher sees trator of the villainous acts is targeted by the PHOTO BY SMELLY CAT his opportunity. Gaze sharp- nothing more fearsome than rampaging kit- ening with intensity, he your average, run-of-the-mill ties has sustained any injuries growling and hissing all over Sympathetic to the plight of moves soundlessly through undomesticated tabby cat. more serious than cat scratch the place and even when I the homeless animals, Denise the brush, careful not to dis- Commonly referred to as fever and severe fright. tried to kick it, it wouldn’t Green, a education turb the aged leaves and “feral” because it lives in the Victim seven, Darrin back off. It was like it was major, offers a unique per- twigs that litter the ground wild, surviving on the land Sherwood, mathematics somehow attached to the base spective on the attacks. “I for fear of alerting the prey to with little or no contact with major, was visibly shaken of my pant leg.” Sherwood think, ridiculous as it might his presence. Luck is with humans, these cats are not when he reported the inci- says after a minute or so the sound, that they are only him, though, for the night is new to the college grounds. dent minutes later to a securi- animal let out a piercing going after a certain type of windy and even a misstep is Feral cat colonies are unfortu- ty guard. Tugging at the ends shriek and then disappeared. individual.” Green goes on not likely to betray him. nately all too common and of his 80s-rocker Ted Nugent Attempts are being made to to say that she is familiar with Even so, he is careful to are likely to be found in heav- sweatshirt, he described the see if there is a common two of the men accosted and remain within the woods con- ily wooded areas (not unlike cat as “very threatening” denominator between the vic- that they are known “cat- cealing shadows until the last the homeless human popula- with its back arched and hair tims that might explain why haters.” One, she says, possible moment as he draws tion) and near fast food standing on end. “It was one student is fair game and attempted to run a cat down relentlessly closer to the another is left alone. with his car just the night unsuspecting collegiate who What is known is that the before he was attacked, and is by now within a whisker of student-cat encounters are the other Green says was reaching the safety of the car. likely to occur in the evening overheard saying he had But, alas, the student does hours (cats are nocturnal) taken an anatomy and physi- not make it in time and, and, more often than not, in ology class just so he could instead, becomes victim num- parking lot A—probably due “gut a cat.” ber seven in a series of bizarre to the nearby forest that pro- Whatever the reasons for attacks that have plagued vides both camouflage and the unusual happenings, stu- Bucks since early February. shelter for the angry puss- dents are being urged not to Because of the unusual nature pusses. loiter in lot A after dark and of the attacks, rumors are All victims thus far have to be on guard for any little rampant and, as is often the been male, and it has been pusser, yes you’re suck a case, contradictory and wide- firmly established that all good kitty, oooo I could just ly differing. share an intense dislike for eat you up you’re so cute, One student, his voice high- cats and, curiously, a partiali- that appears seriously pissed- pitched with excitement, ty for using the word “dude” off. insists he saw what appeared in conversation. this is a line this is a line this is a line this is a line this is a line this is a line this is a line this is a line this is a line this is a line this is a line this is a line this is a this is a line this is a line this is a line this is a line this is a this is a line this is a line this is a line this is a line Bucks anticipates the arrival of a celebrity professor and many people think that it’s an exciting thing to have happen to the college

BY IAN MCLEAN long time ago in paparazzi time. She’s done way more illegal, embarrassing Concert Pianist and improper things since then. She has most definitely improved her parent- ing skills by now. Let’s hope she has for Bucks sake. Pop star Britney Spears will teach at Bucks this upcoming fall semester, as an When told about the news, students just laughed, stared in disbelief or asked attempt to diversify her career. where to sign up. Spears, who is currently traveling the country on her “Circus” tour, has been Responses were common throughout the campus. Matt Daugherty, a senior added to the fall semester’s roster of adjunct professors. at Bucks laughed and then added, “Her younger sister has a child now as well, Early word is she will be teaching classes that contain information about par- so why don’t they both come here and teach the class together? Her sister can enting and child psychology. Having given birth to two beautiful children, be the teaching assistant.” Spears is a model of how to raise your children, sort of. While the news may not have been well received to some of the students, She recently performed a small concert at the Miami Children’s Hospital, Spears’ arrival is sure to spark excitement and angst amongst the students who hoping to get more comfortable around children other than her own. Many will rush to sign up for her classes. cried. Spears will only be teaching one semester at Bucks, on a limited availability The news of Spears bringing her vast knowledge to Bucks has received basis. She will only be on campus to instruct one class per day, and will not mixed reactions. Garrett Drab, a sophomore at Bucks asked, “Didn’t she get have any office hours for individual student interaction. caught driving her car with her son sitting in her lap?” when he heard the news Registration for her classes campus of our new teacher. will be available on Yes, she did get caught driving a car with her son in her lap, but that was a only, as the not be classes will posted online . 4 To Infinity and Beyond Bucks Wednesday, April 1, 2009 Who needs class space? I want a good parking space! BY ALEX GROSSMAN ulty alike have been furious ing a lot more Fitness Walker with the parking situation. night classes,” “I don’t even park there any- Raymond A representative for Bucks more usually sometimes,” Flannigan, 40, announced yesterday that the said Loge Girations, 19, of said. portable classrooms behind Morrisville. “I usually just One option Penn and Founders will be like walk now. It’s, uh, a lot rumored to be demolished in late April to less exhausting.” under consider- make room for a brand new Students that have been ation is setting student parking lot. complaining for years about up class rooms In addition to those build- the school’s lack of ade- in the newly ings, a portion of the woods quate parking will finally constructed behind the buildings will also get their wish within the parking lots be torn down to maximize the next month. “I think this is where the cam- parking lot’s size. There is no a move that will greatly pus buildings official word on exactly how benefit the school. It just used to stand. “I much of the woods will be cut shows that they’ve been lis- think it would be down. tening to what the students much more con- “I think this has been a long have been saying,” said 12- venient to just time coming,” said the year student, Wilous too, conduct classes administration in a written look- Pinkerton. too bad and no one likes the in the parking lot statement. “Students and fac- ing for a spot.” How long will construction scenery at Bucks so having and not waste the valuable ulty have suffered the incon- “I don’t think anyone really take? nothing but parking lots sur- space on some flashy cam- venience of inadequate park- used those buildings any- “Years,” said Mark Grisi, rounding the school will defi- pus,” Porkus Fellersberg, 23, ing for far too long.” way,” Charlie Pulask, 22, executive director of the nitely be a good thing.” said. “Classes can be taken The decision was made offi- said. “When you think about physical plant. “Luckily for Students’ reactions were online, why not drive-ins?” cial after a tough deliberation it, we’re just using dead students, they can have a ton universally favorable. “I Whatever decision is made, over which buildings to space.” of really close spots and only don’t know anyone who’s not it is clear that students are knock down. It was agreed Bucks staff had no comment have to deal with cement thrilled with this decision,” satisfied. “I actually look for- that Tyler Hall will remain on whether or not diminish- mixers, among other con- Nemith Wallsford, freshman, ward to looking for a parking intact, but will be available ing class space would affect struction equipment taking 18, from Yardley, said. “It’s spot now,” said 22-year-old for future consideration if the number of students up all the current good spots great to know that I can come Fallous Weatherberg. needed. enrolled in the college. “I on campus for a few years. here at any time, and I won’t “Whatever they decide, it’s For years, students and fac- guess some of us will be tak- Plus the noise shouldn’t be have to spend a half hour worth it!” Hobos started fire in woods, beans delicious

BY SARA MCBRIDE Flamerson feels that this can. The store managers Silent, but deadly fire was tied to robberies of were baffled. “That normally local food stores. isn’t the high-end theft item,” Smoke signals turned into a “We have been trying to fig- Giant Manager Ernie Bertsy blaze in Tyler Park over the ure out where the stolen stated. “Normally, baby sup- weekend. beans were going and what plies or meat gets stolen, but Newtown Fire Chief Adams that many beans could be not beans.” Flamerson has wrapped up used for. I guess we know There is a growing colony his investigation of a 3-acre now,” he continued. “We of hobos living within the fire that swept across a part of don’t yet know how they Tyler State Park. Tyler Park over the weekend. managed to transport the The colony has grown into No one was injured in the thousands of stolen cans and several hundred with an flames, however thousands of will continue to investigate. exact headcount still in the aluminum cans were found. We now have three people in works. “It was an impressive sight custody which we nabbed The three in custody, one to see,” stated the chief. while running from the woman and two men, around “Everywhere you looked flames.” the ages of 25, will not com- within the 3 acres of singed There has been a string of ment on the specifics of the forest was empty burned food store and convenience bean fire. cans. We finally found some store robberies. The only The hobos are being taken on the outskirts of where the thing that was stolen from the for psychiatric evaluations

fire affected the area. It was stores were cans of beans— and counseling to see if more

OTO BY SNOOPY NOSERTON

beans. Thousands of bean baked beans, chili beans, any information can be extracted F

HIS IMAGE DEPICTS THE FIREMEN DOING WHAT THEY DO BEST.

cans.” type of bean that came in a out of them. T CulinArt creates award-winning meal fit for fitness BY JOANNA SCHLICHER Taste” was the Triple-Fried burger packed with so many she cried. “There’s something rotisserie chicken spinning in Centurion Alien Hunter Burger. delectable trans-fats, one is really wrong with this coun- the oven. “I don’t think a lot The burger, created by forced to wonder if it is legal. try.” Swansong eats only of people realize how long I The largest dining service in CulinArt top chef John “I found it to be so deli- orange foods. She says she have waited to digest two the area has done it again. Chunky, is two pounds of cious, I ate two,” said Bessie gets the rest of her vitamins pounds of ground beef. CulinArt has created a dish ground beef nestled between Bertha. “Trans-fats? Who and minerals from supple- Days.” that will successfully give a a sesame seed bun that spent cares? We’re all going to die ments. CulinArt employees who mouth-wateringly delicious three days soaking in pig one day anyway, right,” she Nutrition instructor Lydia had a hand in the week-long heart attack to whoever lard. said as she downed a two- Turnover was overjoyed with process of preparing the decides to shove the grease- “Anything soaked in pig liter bottle of Mountain Dew. the result of the contest and burger are amped they got drippingly fabulous lump of lard is going to taste extra Even though the burger stressed that a balanced diet such rave reviews. “The way food between their lips. good,” said Chunky. “We won the contest in a land- is key to a healthy life. I see it is simple. Eat as many And, to make matters better really want the students here slide, there was some opposi- “Eating all that meat is good triple-fried burgers as you than best, the dish has won an to be satisfied with their tion. Sandra Swansong stood for anyone, and some fat is want. It’s all good,” said award! lunch, so we just thought that in the back of the cafeteria needed in a diet to maintain a spokesperson Nick Knack. On April 1, Bucks students pig lard was the way to go.” and cried tears of frustration. healthy weight.” As of right now, students gathered in the cafeteria for The beef is fried three times “I just don’t get it. Why didn’t When speaking of the burg- can do just that. The burger the annual CulinArt Foods in butter fat to give it a little anyone think my carrot stick er, she got a look on her face will be sold in the cafeteria at Contest. The meal crowned extra flavor. The result is a soufflé was worth eating?” as if she had just smelled 10 cents apiece. winner in “Best All-Around Wednsdey, April 1, 2009 To Do or not To Do. That is the question 5

APRIL Bucks events and listings In the county, in the city

Newtown Transfer Fair 10 a.m.-1 p.m. 1 Frank Sinatra plays Wachovia Center 7 p.m.

Author Suzanne Strempek Shea reads apart of Wordsmith reading series 2 Free Drink festival in New Hope. Taste the goodness. 11 a.m. at 8 p.m.

3 Where’s my Bailout? Symposium at Newtown Township Municipal Building. 4:37 p.m.

Baseball vs. Northampton (home) 12 noon 4 Phillies visit Churchville Nature Center 3 p.m.

Equestrian Team - Hunt Seat Zones 5 masquerade Ball on State Street Newtown 5 p.m.

7-9:30 p.m. Best-selling author Judith Viorst will speak about "Control: 6 Cross-country ski lessons in Tyler State Park 4 p.m. to midnight Needing it, Taking it, Losing it and Deciding When it's Time to Let it Go" Tickets are $10.00

Lower Bucks transfer fair 5-6:30 p.m. 7 Duck hunt at Shady Brook Farm. Ammo supplied. 2:30 a.m.

Baseball vs. Lehigh Carbon (home) 2 p.m. 8 Boat race at new Council Rock pool 10 a.m. Team Tennis vs. Delaware (home) 3 p.m.

Personality Type & You at Lower Bucks 12:15-1:15 p.m. 9 Tire fire bonfire at Peddler’s Village 7 a.m.

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8 3 9 LAT’KF I ZAAW NBAKC! 2 4 IBKXS EAASN! 4 8 3 2 4 3 6 --GFJCTKXAJ NCIEE 6 5 8 Monday, March 30, 2009 Stupid Life 7 Student hyped out beyond recognition

BY TAJ CARR students are left horrified and trauma- 18-year-old psychology major from Secret Agent tized. North Main Street in Newtown) said, “I am going to forever replay the “Hart stayed up all night cramming Monday afternoon Bucks security offi- streaking man in my mind, and no sen- for a mid-term.” cials responded to complaints of a sor blurb will block this horrific event,” Some students are sympathetic to streaking man running wildly across said Amy Schwartz, a nursing major the pathetic Hart. campus. from Croydon. Gail Backslin, 18, a liberal arts major Security officials found Michael Hart, Other Bucks students felt light-hearted from Levittown, said, “School can be 19, nutrition major from Newtown, about the situation. Thomas Jeffinson, a quite difficult, so I understand the asleep naked on a couch in the fireside 23-year-old criminal justice major from pressure the kid was under.” lounge. After police arrived and arrested Langhorne, said, “It’s about time some- Other students were amazed how Hart for indecent exposure, he was thing interesting happened on this cam- fast he completed his work. taken to a local hospital for treatment. pus.” Jeffinson laughed over the ordeal “It was amazing watching him type The only sense of modesty found near and now has a story to tell his grand- so fast. It was like watching Mozart Hart was his book bag. kids. completing his symphony,” said Al Hart allegedly ran across the Bucks A TRAIL OF EMPTY MONSTER CANS AND Tuna, 24, a psychology major from campus naked while ripping random HART’S SCATTERED CLOTHES LED POLICE Philadelphia. papers out of students’ hands. BACK TO THE LIBRARY WHERE HIS ERRATIC The document Tuna referred to No alcohol or drugs were present at BEHAVIOR BEGAN. ACCORDING TO OTHER turned out to be a compilation of frag- the scene, but police found eight empty STUDENTS HE WAS VERY HYPER AND UNEASY. mented sentences, many empty cans of “Monster” in Hart’s book bag. HART WAS CONSISTENTLY DRINKING spaces, out of context punctuation, Police speculate Hart’s erratic behavior MONSTER WHILE WORKING ON HIS SCHOOL and many number eights. was caused by a possible overdose of the WORK. Hart is currently in stable condition energy drink. After drinking more than the maxi- and is recovering in a local Officer Petro Calridge said, “We are mum reccomended dose of three drinks Gymboree, as he has been literally able to arrest Mr. Hart for indecent expo- in a day, Hart began to disrobe, stream- bouncing off the walls for days on sure and disturbing the peace, but there ing clothes behind him in a blur of fash- end. are no legal measures to detain someone ionable clothing as he ran down the hall- Bucks school officials would not with possession of an energy drink.” way past the bookstore, through the comment on Hart returning for future Calridge added, “I drink those, but not cafrateria and finally down the Rollins courses, but one official was quick to to the excess that the suspect drank.” steps out into the quad. add, “This gives an entire new mean- Hart’s streaking rampage has left A close friend of Hart’s who wanted to ing to Bucks’ clothing policy for stu- many police officers laughing, but some remain anonymous (Claire Beesley, an dents.”

Finals cancelled under away Director admits to shroud of latex and mystery not liking chocolate BY MICHAEL REDMOND little creatures who should be car wash for the rest of my BY LAURA IRWIN Escaped Convict constantly berated and life like my parents told me I Single and ready to mingle judged. This kind of good- would!” Safety and Security Director Chris Lloyd admitted to dislik- Bucks faculty has cancelled natured act sickens me to the One student, however, was ing chocolate the other day when asked if he had any vices. final exams for the spring core of my being.” Even not very happy about this “I don’t smoke or drink or gamble,” said the saintly Lloyd. semester. though he fought hard, even recent development. Brainy But, then out of nowhere, he admitted to a life-long distrust of All students will receive a recommending more projects McOverachiever, 19, a chocolate. guaranteed A for their and exams, he eventually physics major said, “This is “I just think it’s out to get me, possibly make me fat,” he semester grade. was outvoted by the rest of completely unfair! Those stu- said. In a shocking turn of the faculty members. dents don’t deserve to be get- An avid runner, Lloyd has created an entire world around events, this past week faculty ting the same grade I worked avoiding the sweet treat beloved by every human on the plan- members decided that they so hard for. Those people are et. Does this mean Lloyd is an alien? would do away with final "I'm telling you beneath me and deserved to Assistant Director Mark Moore said that is a definate possi- exams for the semester. As a be reminded how much bet- bility. “I mean, who doesn’t like such delicious human treats gift to all students, the finals there's an enemy ter I am than they are.” such as this chocolate you speak of?” have been abolished and Aside from the one or two that would like to Moore than took off his ear and scratched a patchy, scaley each and every student, no people against this proclama- area of green skin. matter their current grades, tion, the attitude on campus attack America, He continued, “I think anyone who doesn’t like this Earthly will receive an A for the ever since the announcement dessert is suspicious, and as Captain of the Omega One...I semester. Americans, again. has been extremely positive. mean...Assistant Director of Safety and Security, I know suspi- When asked about this When asked about how he cious.” recent development, There just is. thinks the proclamation has Lloyd refused to comment further, citing the investigation as Professor Kris Kringle, who affected the lives of the stu- “silly,” “unnecesary” and a “waste of valuable Earth time.” teaches Advanced Toy That's the reality dents on campus, Professor More to come as details unravel. Making 101, said, “We decid- of the world. And Kringle says, “Oh all the ed this would be a gift to all naughty students have the good little boys and girls I wish him all the become good little boys and on campus. The other pro- girls. The minutes after they WANTED FOR QUESTIONING fessors I talked to about this, very best." found out they didn’t have to mainly Dr. E. Bunny and Ms. study their butts off, people T. Fairy, immediately agreed -Bushie became much nicer to each this would be a great way to other. After this big of a reac- end the semester and send all tion, we’re now discussing the students on their summer When students were making this a permanent break feeling great about informed of this decision, rule.” how this semester ended.” there was outbursts of Now the question arises, if One professor, however, singing and dancing all over the students don’t have finals tried to fight this decision the campus. One lucky student, what will they do with their entire way through the deci- Robert Procrastinator, said, final days of classes in May? sion making process. When “I can’t believe this has hap- Professor Bunny came up asked why he would fight pened! I am so happy right with the perfect solution, such a generous gift to the now. I haven’t done any “There will be a campus- students, Professor assignments and failed every wide egg hunt on the final Grinchenstien responded, test I’ve bothered to show up day of classes. Inside each “The students don’t deserve for. Now I have a guaranteed egg will be a one hundred If you see this person, contact Safety and to be treated with respect or A in every class and it looks dollar bill. Happy hunting Security immediatly at (215) 968-8395

kindness, they are horrible like I won’t be working at the students.” up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up upup up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up and 6 Student Strife Tuesday, April 1, 2009 Students drop Parcel-tongue, take up wrangling BY KRISTA LUCKENBACH classes,” said Professor communicate with snakes is techniques will be taught to your legs.” Centurion Hypnotist Stephen DoCarmo. “If these not something that can be those taking the classes, “I also like to show my creatures expand their territo- taught, he is confident in his Slitherton said, “The first classes the film ‘Snakes on a Bucks will soon offer class- ry as expected, there will be a ability to train students to thing a snake wrangler tries Plane,’” said Slitherton. “It’s a es in python wrangling. growing need for profession- to do is tire the creature out. great learning tool, even if it Why hold such a bizarre al snake wranglers. With the “I always wanted This can be done several is a bit far-fetched. I mean, class? The recent invasion by economy the way it is, jobs ways. One technique is I’ve never seen that many Burmese pythons in Florida are scarce. We want to offer to learn how to called treadmilling, which is snakes on a plane; they just and their expected migration our students an opportunity when you run your hands did that for shock value. to other parts of the U.S. has to be trained in what is handle snakes. I’m over the snake’s belly, one Also, Samuel L. Jackson is a prompted Bucks to make this becoming a fast-growing in Gryffendor, so I after the other to make it phenomenal actor, I would decision. industry.” think it’s getting away. never say otherwise, but that Though the snakes are not The college will be receiv- can’t speak Another, more advanced man could never be a profes- expected to reach as far north ing two of the pythons recent- technique is to wave a sheet sional snake wrangler.” as Bucks County, they might ly captured in Florida for use Parcel-tongue. in front of the snake to try to The first snake wrangling come quite close. About a in classes next fall. Current Learning how to get it to attack like a mata- classes will begin in the fall. third of the U.S. provides a students, who suffer from dor with a bull.” The college will provide suitable environment for the ophidiophobia, or a fear of tire out a snake After the snake is sufficient- aspiring snake wrangler stu- creatures to live in and as snakes, need not worry as the ly worn out, the wrangler dents with hooks and tongs. their numbers grow, they snakes will be well-secured in makes up for that.” takes a hands-on approach. Students must provide their may move beyond Florida, their holding pens. Slitherton said this is where it own snake bags and obtain possibly as far north as Renowned snake whisperer -Jimmy Jillicker gets tricky. “You have to their own copies of Washington, D.C., which is Jake Slitherton has come to firmly grab at the base of the Slitherton’s books, “Snake basically next door. Bucks to help set up the snake become competent snake snake’s head and you have to Wrangling for Fun and “This is a great time for us wrangling program. Though wranglers. be careful to avoid letting the Profit” and “Shedding Your to begin our snake wrangling he feels that his ability to When asked what sort of snake wrap its body around Fears- Embracing the Snake.” Cursing ban is #@%*#*$ Terror ‘breaks out’ at the Early Learning Center BY ASHLEY SIMPSON *&#!$^#$^ Writer

In addition to banning smoking on all three Bucks campuses, the administration has decided to also reduce noise pollution by banning students from cursing on campus. Recent studies show that cursing makes up about 68.2 percent of noise pollution on college campuses. Other sources of noise pollution include people who talk real- ly loudly and that squeaky noise that wet sneakers make DIRECTOR OF STUDENT LIFE MATT CIPRIANO THREATENS A GROUP OF STUDENTS WITH SCISSORS AFTER on linoleum floors. HEARING THEM CURSING IN ROLLINS BY ALLISON GOLDMAN Students heard cursing will PHOTO BY TATTLE TALER Available for Parties! be fined the same as smokers such awful things as the library for all students to on campus. ‘@(%#$#& *^$%^.’ Oh, wait, read. Many students were not BUCKS— All children who attend the Early Learning Center “Are you f*$&ing serious? $^(%. I didn’t mean to actual- happy with a number of at Bucks are being hic examined for hic a virulent strain of bac- S^%#. This is as $^%&^& ly say it. Wait, is ‘)@^^&’ con- word choices. terial hiccups. ^%# as my *&%^ on a wet sidered a curse word? Really? “$%^ is not a *(&%%^R@ Director of the ELC Dee Short sent a notice to all of the chil- and @$%^ day!” said a Bucks Wow, that )#&% is *@#^ing curse word! What the *(&% dren’s parents when two mothers informed Short that their students, who preferred to strict.” said Glen Elg, 25, a communi- children had the hic heart-wrenching condition. The names of remain anonymous out of “Have those !**$# ever cations major from the children were not released, but Short emphasized that, embarrassment for being heard of a little !&&$@& Doylestown. “Seriously, “Both are being made as comfortable as possible.” fined shortly after speaking thing called ‘freedom of ^&%# is not a curse word. Until both children are completely rid of the unfortunate dis- to the Centurion. speech’?” said another Bucks This *&% *% seriously. What ease, they hic will not be hic returning to the ELC. The hic Non-cursers appreciate the student who preferred to is this ‘noise pollution’ notification that was sent requested that all of the children be new rule, but have expressed remain anonymous. He then %$@#&*&*(&%$ Sometimes checked by their pediatricians. doubts that it can be effective. added: “@$#*(!” you can’t fight the urge to just The letter was sent out on April 1, though it is uncertain Cursing can still be heard all With less noise pollution curse, no matter where the when the hic other children contracted the infestation. It is around campus, and even clouding the air, non-cursing &^$% you are.” possible to hic have bacterial hiccups (hiccupotomus psy- read in the form of graffiti. students feel they will be bet- Security has been cracking chadelicus) for weeks before seeing any symptoms. “What’s the point of enact- ter able to focus on their stud- down on offenders of the “This sort of thing happens all the time with kids,” said ing a rule if it isn’t going to be ies. new cursing rule, and Short. “If it’s not a head cold, it’s an untreatable hic disease thouroughly enforced?” “Getting rid of the cursing encouraging students to get that threatens everyone’s existence.” asked student . is good, I think,” said Lisa involved in stopping all the Bacterial Hiccups are spread through skin-to-skin contact or Cursing has not only been Basil, 21, a biology major cursing. by hic eating popcicles too fast. banned in verbal form, but from Warminster. “They Security also encourages Symproms include an undeniable thirst for snow and pock written form as well. should deal with the squeaky students to inform others marks across hic the neck, face, hands and hic feet. Also, the This is to prevent students wet shoes on the linoleum when they are talking too body involuntarily convulses over and over again. from reading aloud and acci- next. That noise is awful.” loudly and that nobody cares “I blame myself,” wept Short. “A few of the parents didn’t dentally saying a written Most cursers have been about their personal prob- want the kids to have sweets for snacks, but how was I sup- curse word out loud in the ignoring this new rule. Most lems. Recently, keeping hall- posed hic to know it was going to give hic the kids this horri- process. do, however, agree that the ways free of squeaky wet ble affliction?” “People don’t need to squeaky wet sneakers are sneaker noises has been And hic parents are calling for Short’s resignation. curse,” said Alita Tiala, 22, a “really $#&* annoying,” as brought to students’ atten- “Who is she to give my kid a snack anyway?” cried a parent business administration another anonymous student tion as well. of a 3-year-old who had a juice mustache. Hic. major from Lambertville. “I put it. The new rule became effec- Until it is clear that the disease has been eradicated from the like the idea of a curse-free A list of curse words now tive as of April 1, 2009. premises, the hic college will hold its daycare hours at the campus. I won’t have to walk not allowed to be spoken on It’s a really good *(&%$ Lower Bucks parking lot where children will aid hic in from class to class and hear campus has been placed in rule--am I right? patrolling hic for safety and security. 8 Nerd Central Wednesday, AprIL 1, 2009 Wreckage uncovered: Maybe too late, Officials say it’s Earhart bailout money comes to Bucks BY ERIC NOCITO Inside were the initials A.E. “From what we can see, Good for one line “I instantly thought, ‘Oh my Earhart was planning on going to God, this is Albert Einstein’s a quite swanky dinner when she After almost 72 years, the mys- cap!’” said Klockner. “That’s came back from her flight,” said tery of Amelia Earhart’s disap- when I went to the Bucks Robert Fischer, owner of a local pearance has finally been solved. Foundation for bridal shop. “Women knew that Tyler Park turns out to be the answers….mainly on where to velvet was fancy, so she must place that she had been resting sell it.” have been really trying hard.” since she went missing in 1937. After finally finding out that it The fact still remains that Earhart was attempting to fly was Amelia Earhart’s cap, Earhart’s plane crash cause is still circumnavigationally around the Klockner handed it over to the a mystery. The crash-and-sink globe. The last communication Bucks Foundation, and they, in theory can be ruled out because that anyone had with her she crashed on land and the was by radio close to she didn’t crash into a Howland Island in the cen- mountain, duh. tral Pacific. “I personally think that it Many different theories was the accidental work of arose from her disappear- extraterrestrial beings,” ance, such as crash-and- said Professor Michael sink and supernatural Bernarsky. “From the way interceptions, but no one that the planets aligned the expected where she would day she crashed, we can see BY MIKE FRAIOLI Optional Features Available finally end up, especially that it was the perfect win- nowhere near her last radio dow of opportunity for transmission. ‘aliens’ to make it to Earth. Yesterday, speculation of a possible bailout plan On the morning of March They wouldn’t have meant for Bucks was spreading around campus and the 17, Bucks physical plant to make her crash, so I think community. With the down economic times, it is no employee Jim Klockner stumbled return, handed him $20,000. they might’ve accidentally collid- surprise if it were to happen. upon the engine of a small plane “I never knew there would be ed with her plane.” Finally after the Board of Crustees meeting behind the portable classrooms. such a historical landmark right But everyone knows that alien Wednesday, April 1, it was decided there will be a Thinking nothing of it, Klockner behind Bucks’ very own portable abductions are genetic and nei- bailout plan. disposed of it into a dumpster classrooms,” said Professor ther of Earhart’s parents was After the meeting, a very somber, yet ruggedly nearby. Mitchell Bunkin. “After more abducted. handsome Dr. James Linksz, president of Bucks, “I thought was nothing but than 75 years here at Bucks, this Whether Earhart’s plane crash broke to reporters the news of the upcoming garbage,” said Klockner. “Who is a marvelous discovery.” was the act of aliens or weather bailout plan. “We didn’t have a choice. We are lack- would think otherwise?” After further excavation of the phenomena, Bucks is now at the ing funds and in these tough economic times. This Klockner then returned to the crash site, archaeologists found center of international news. is a necessary action to take, so we can get out of scene and found propellers. flight navigation equipment and Since March 19, over 3,000 visi- this hole,” Linksz said. Klockner got rid of the propellers several pieces of luggage with tors have come to see the final Even though this is disappointing news, it was no in the same fashion as the engine. the monograms A.E. 1937. Inside resting place of Earhart, a some- surprise, according to the Bucks Trustees But then everything changed. the luggage were 17 pairs of what leaf-covered hole in the Chairperson Elizabeth Graver. “Most people just On a routine feral cat watch, black velvet pants and seven ground with a singed crater out- do not have the money to go to college right now, Klockner discovered a pilot’s cap black velvet blazers. line—very commemorative. students are taking less classes and the use of pay- near the Early Learning Center. ment plans has increased. We just didn’t have a choice.” The speculation for the past month has been the possibility of shutting down the recently renovated Rollins Center, which includes the cafeteria. Graver Peace at last! explained how it might be a necessary step to take. “We are unsure on it at the moment but honestly it would help us out a lot, it would only be temporar- ily.” The $2 million bailout plan hopes to get the school out of debt by the year 2010 and that would be only in the case of an improvement of the econ- omy. The school has recently taken numerous loans and many speculated that the college would not be able to pay the loans back. “We wanted to make this a better place for our students with all the recent renovations, but this depression we are in is too steep a hill for us to climb. Another thing we are considering is closing down Lower Bucks and selling the property,” Linksz said. Lower Bucks is state of the art— especially com- pared to some parts of the older Newtown campus. College officials said it’s something they wish they didn’t have to do. The college hopes for this all to be over in less than two years, but there is no guarantee. It could get worse, depending on the growth of the econo- my. Lower d the selling of The closing of Rollins an ’t want to clim B ucks doesn b ucks are both steps B . nly tell what happen But it has to. Time will o s ne ich xt , wh is m ed os d ho w ct t n th den fe BY DAVID NONINI a e stu ts are af Arm-wrestler

Yesterday, in a scene reminiscent of the Yalta Conference, the Global Council of Awesomeness (Right to left: Chuck Norris, Christopher Walken, Arthur "The Fonz" Fonzerelli) gathered and in a single sitting and ended war, poverty and hunger while solving the economic crisis and uniting the entire planet. Monday, March 32, 2009 fArts 9 Survivors of crash found Six survivors have been brought back to and died a few days after the crash. , she didn't make the U.S. after more than 100 days stranded it through the first week. on an island. Charlie Pace, he drowned a few weeks before we were able to leave,” said Shepard. Austen gave birth to her son, Littleton, on the island and the only thing she had for reporters as to giving birth while stranded on the island was “scary.” The Oceanic Six will pick back up the pieces of their lives and move forward from this terrible crash. Shepard was picking up his father’s body in Sydney and plans on having a memorial THIS PHOTO WAS TAKEN BY LOCAL FISHERMAN WHEN SIX SURVIVORS OF OCEANIC FLIGHT 815 MADE IT BACK TO CIVILIZATION. for him. Reyes was known in the BY LAURA IRWIN remember the impact. I news for having won $150 4 8 15 16 23 42 remember the plane filling up million in the lottery, but he with water. A group of us got says he doesn’t want any of Six survivors of Oceanic to the emergency door and the money back. flight 815 have returned Extra! Extra! got out before it went down,” Jarrah will not be returning home safely after spending he said to reporters in an to his homeland of Iraq, but 108 days stranded on an interview just shortly after intends to pursue interests in island. Cute little animals landing in a cargo plane from America. Dr. Jack Shepard, Kate Honolulu. Kwon, a few months preg- Austen, Hugo Reyes, Sayid The survivors floated on nant, looks to return to her Jarrah, Aaron Littleton and wanted in seat cushions in the ocean for homeland of Korea and Sun-Hwa Kwon were all pas- over a day before the current Austen faces more serious tri- sengers on the flight when took them to the island’s als. the plane crashed over the connection with shores, arrocrding to She was wanted for murder Pacific, near the island of Shepard. and was in transport while Membata, on a continental Charlie Pace, Boone Carlyle aboard Oceanic 815. She and flight from Sydney, Austrailia robbery, assault and a woman only known as her son will await trial in to , Ca. Libby made it to the island, their Los Angelos home. According to Shepard, only but didn’t live to see rescue. Who knows what to expect BY KATIE FEILER nine survived the crash. Dungeon Master “Boone Carlyle suffered for these very lucky sur- “It happened really fast. I tremendous internal injuries vivors. An escaped pride of Meerkats chased a woman through Tyler State Park at sunrise on April 1, 2009. Mary Moe, 35, of Doylestown was walking her dog Lucky in Tyler State Park when she came across these unusual animals. Small, orange men save life “I had never seen these animals before, so I walked into the woods to get a better look,” Moe said. BY KATIE FEILER spend a day in the Wonka the candy on the counter, and As she walked closer to the woods, the pride spooked and Fizzy-lifting Factory.” said a Bucks stu- then he was gone. began charging toward Moe. dent at the scene. “I never knew Oompa “ I didn’t even get a chance to breathe, before I started run- Bucks student Kelly Kandy “I plan on swimming in the Loompas were real, I thought ning for my life,” Moe said. was enjoying a packet of river of chocolate, and eating they were only in the movies. A total of 23 Meerkats viciously chased Moe through fields Runts, popping them into her all the candy I can,” said Now I know Wonka doesn’t and wooded areas for more than a mile. mouth one by one, when she Kandy, who is a graphic lie, and I can’t wait to meet “I must have fallen about five times on rocks and stepped in realized she had just eaten a design major from them all at the tour,” said numerous animal droppings as well,” Moe said. “They were winning candy. Buckingham. Peak. after my wallet and they had weapons. I know that they were Panickinged, she began to Wonka recently announced Oompa Loompa sightings going to rob me, maybe harm me.” cough to and try and stop the his final factory tour, which have been reported in numer- It was not until Ranger Wild saw Moe and her dog frantical- candy from going down her will be in May of 2009. ous cities. ly running that this chase stopped. throat,. This resultinged in a The tour includes 200 of the Oompa Loompas seem to “ I didn’t look back once, and nor did Lucky until we heard horrendous choking fit in the 1,000 floors, with highlights appear everywhere winning the sound of gun shots being fired,” Moe said. cafeteria. including the Chocolate candies are. A gunfight between the ranger and the Merkats ensued. Students surrounded River, Candy Land, new-age No one really knows why Eventually, the Meerkats scurried back into the woods. Kandy, but no CPR was per- machinery, taste testing, and they’re here. Moe and Lucky survived with minor cuts and bruises. formed until an Oompa taste-testing future candies in Some say Wonka must have Incredibly Meerkats live in Africa. How these Meerkats sur- Loompa suddenly appeared. the making works. sent them out to keep an eye vived in Tyler State Park is now coming to light. The Oompa Loompa stood Seven winning candies on his winners. It has been found that a local farmer, Billy Turnbuckle, on a table and swatted Kandy were placed among the mil- Some say it’s really creepy raised these Meerkats in his barn to be criminals and steal on the back. Until the Runt lions of candy packages and they wish someone from park patrons. flew across the room. across the United States. U.S. would stop them from The Rangers investigated his farm, only to find many more The Oompa Loompa didn’t CNN is keeping a tab on all appearing out of no where. illegal animals. stay long enough to be the winners. Sean Links from California “In this barn were over six flamingos, seven alligators, eight thanked, but it saved Kandy’s There have been two other noticed his winning candy Kangaroos, two Lions, and 30 Porcupines. I could not believe life. findings winners announced while enjoying an afternoon this zoo this farmer created. It’s absurd to get these animals to Now, Kandy will be able to so far. to date. snack. “I poured Nerds in my do your evil bidding,” Wild commented. redeem her prize-winning “I can’t believe I won, it’s hand to eat, when I noticed Turnbuckle is looking at jail time for raising the animals and candy for a day trip to the like I’m in a dream,” said an odd colored Nerd. I looked weapons charges for supplying guns and pirate swords to the Wonka factory. winner Sharon Peak of at it carefully, and sure Meerkatss. “If it weren’t for the myste- Wisconsin. enough it was a winner,” “ I could have been eaten alive by these rat-like animals, and rious Oompa Loompa, I Peak was enjoying her Links said. it’s all because of immature farmers like Turnbuckle,” said wouldn’t have been able to Wonka Bar when she began More winners are soon to Moe. finish this delicious bag of eating away at the “winner” be announced. Rangers are now patrolling Tyler State Park looking for the Runts,” Kandy added. engraved in the candy. Check your Wonka candy Meerkats, and any other Noah’s Ark members that might have “ I could tell it was a winner An Oompa Loompa packages and you just might escaped Turnbuckle’s farm. when it shot out of her grabbed the Wonka bar out of be the next winner. Keep an If you plan on traveling into the park, be on the lookout and mouth,” said some guy that her hand just in time. The eye out for an Oompa consider any forestry creature or otherwise to be armed and talked to me. “I’m happy Oompa Loompa then placed Loompa! dangerous. she’s okay. Now she gets to 10 Op/Ed Thursdayday, April 7, 2009 ‘JenEric’ Food A Modern Hypocrisy Managing Editors Jen Golding and Eric Nocito like to eat A weekly column by Centurion Editor-in-Chief Laura Irwin CulinArt specials...maybe a little too much. We are There must be more BLUE 6 truths ga-ga Monster 20 lies over fries!

A. This weekend I ran 10 miles doing errands because my car got a flat tire. I just didn’t have the $70 at hand.

B. People most tease me because I have webbed feet. I always said it helps with swimming.

C. I take singing lessons. I hope to sing at my own wed- ding one day.

D. I have a trophy for most frogs caught in an hour. It’s how I got the nickname, “Tadpole.”

E. I got a scar across my neck because I went fishing and the person I was with cast the hook into my skin and pulled. Nothing beats the perfection that is Yeah, not a fun day.

CulinArt carrot stick. F. If I could have anything I want, it would be a big house. Dear Laura G. I once missed 15 classes and still got an A. H. Eventually, I aspire to completing my “spoons of the world” collection. I always pick up a suvieneer when I go An open letter to Editor-in-Chief Laura Irwin somewhere. because she somehow annoys everyone I. I’m afraid of snakes. I guess just like Indiana Jones. Dear Laura, It’s just one day after anoth- yelled at by all those children er of you showing up to the who came to Media Day last J. I have a company logo tattooed on me. Just who do you think you newsroom liquored up and year because you “slipped” are? we have to do all the work. and told them Santa wasn’t K. I know every constellation and when to find them. I go We don’t know if you know How did you get this job real. to the Planetarium regularly. this, but you’re not funny and anyway? You’re satan. that goes for even when you You can’t say the right We really would like you to L. When I was in France at age 15, I swam nude in the accidently make some thing ever and this goes for hang around and keep doing Mediterranean. poignant point about what writing as well. what you’re doing but it liter- everyone else is discussing. That’s unfortunate, maybe ally brings us to tears when M. Someday I hope to have another nose job. The first one Has anyone ever told you aim toward another career you force us to read what you didn’t solve the problem. that you do not listen very path? are wrtting each week well? So here’s a little advice: because no, it’s never good N. I was once arrested over a $15 parking ticket I acquired We mean really, we think When you wake up in the and we’d give you some criti- outside my house. you should know that morning, don’t. cisms but we wouldn’t even although you have some A- Ok, maybe that’s too harsh, know where to begin. O. A portion of my shoulder has been surgically rebuilt. I one attempts, you shoot and but can you try to become a Are you really reminded of swam fly in high school and it really gave me and my shoulder miss 99 percent of the time. completely different person worldly issues by the stupid- hell. Fail. or go on some mission where est little thing or do you force It hurts to have to watch. you try out being a monk or yourself to come up with P. My shoe size is 10. It’s so embarassing. I always wear Sometimes you have the something and if you never lame-ass metaphors on life at flared pants or flip-flops to hide my big feet. ability to make a valid point change then you just never the last second? when you’re not blubbering come back..sound good? We understand that this is Q. I think marijuana should be legalized. on and on about things no Also, stop drinking and as hard to take as a monkey one but you seems to care while you’re quitting things, up the yin-yang but we’re R. I think cigarettes should be outlawed. about. stop spontaneaously dancing confident that no matter what But it’s not enough. in the middle of your classes. you decide to do, everyone S. I have visited all Philadelphia landmarks, twice. I’m On the rare occasion you do It’s almost as distracting as will be much happier with really into history and architecture. make sense, you leave us your pointless comments and the outcome. wanting more. observations. Good luck with all those T. Every Saturday I rearrange my sock drawer. I like to be We suggest you put a little Remember that one time columns we so look forward organized and it’s one of the drawers that gets messed up so effort into researching your where you repeated exactly to reading each week and quickly. topics instead of talking what the person before you we’ll let you know if a about the few topics you did and it was only half-way monastery opens up in the U. I have a lot of dreams at night that sometimes reflect seem educated about. through your harangue that area. things that are going to happen. I knew that I was going to get Swimming is a stupid sport you yourself noticed? Bon Voyage! a B on this one paper because I dreamt about it.

and we think you may have a Just terrible. Bucks

H L AURA IRWIN serious drinking problem. How about the time you got APPILY WRITTEN BY V. I don’t sleep until 4 a.m. I like to go for late night walks and I get extra sleep during an afternoon nap. Got an opinion? W. I love to fly on airplanes. I have travelled a lot. Letters X. I think cancer was the worst thing that ever happened Agree or disagree? to me. To Y. I agree with Democratic policies. I think we should all The Tell us in a letter to the editor. help eachother. Editor E-mail Editor-in-Chief Laura Irwin at

[email protected]. Z. I speak four other languages: Spanish, Latin, Italian and German. Q N M L J G true? What’s 11 Tuesday, April 1, 2009 Bucks Thought-provoking story on worldly topic

BY TOM ROWAN “I mean, I would like to be co-starring in “Hotel New also starred in “Knockaround only on the condition that the Ancient Chinese Remedy known as, like, a great cine- Hampshire” with Jodie Foster Guys,” “Can’t Hardly Wait,” students “don’t ask any ques- matographer, director, writer, and Rob Lowe as well as serv- “The Italian Job,” “America’s tions, get in the way or eat The man who portrayed the actor and prophet once it’s all ing as the leading role in Sweethearts,” “Rat Race,” all any of the workers or his son of criminal mastermind said and done,” said the voice acclaimed director Woody three “Austin Powers” films food.” “Dr. Evil” in the acclaimed of the animated character Allen’s “Radio Days” at age as well as numerous televi- “The kids gotta know the Austin Powers movies, has Chris Griffin in the popular 12, Green will offer insight for sion roles. basics,” Green said. “Like shifted his role from helping cartoon series Family Guy. “I both young and old to relate “Yeah, I would say I’ve shut up, be quiet and don’t his father take over the world, feel like a community college to. been around,” Green said. “If steal any of the real stars to infiltrating the Bucks is the best place for me to “Green was a cocky kid,” the people at Buckets have a ideas that they will see here, teachers lounge. apply my great knowledge, said Johnny Carson, the for- question, there’s a really because, let’s face it, we all Seth Green, 25, a West and seeing as it’s not far from mer host of “The Tonight good chance I have an know they can’t come up Philadelphia native and where I grew up, they’re Show” on NBC from 1962- answer. I just can’t wait to see with ideas like this on their Emmy Award nominee for offering me free food and a 1992 about the actor in his my office, if I want a bowl full own and if they tried to say his work as both a writer and ride back and fourth to cam- younger days. “He was of only green M&M’s candy, they did it be plagiarism.” producer for the Cartoon pus, as well as a handsome always fooling around, goof- who would I talk to about “I want these kids to learn Network adult-swim series, salary; hell, I’ll teach freaking ing off and sticking his fin- that?” by watching, and if they can Robot Chicken, has decided yoga if they want me to.” gers in strange places. I’m Green plans on introducing follow my simple rules the to lend his great knowledge Green comes to Bucks with pretty sure he was the kid the students to the real life tri- chances are alright that they of the entertainment industry a plethora of experience on who broke the electric-socket als and tribulations of a major might see something to help to the students of Bucks’ ever both sides of the camera in in my dressing room.” film and television studios. them, but I don’t think actual- expanding Cinema/Video both television and cinema. Recently, Green was the Green will be trying to bring ly helping them that’s in my Production Associate Degree Having worked in the indus- lead in Paramount’s comedy, his students to see a live tap- contract. Forget it, it’s not Program. try starting at the age of eight, “Without A Paddle,” and has ping of a television series, but important.” ‘The man’ says you should go to this BBucky’sucky’s SSprotsprots PPageage Monday, March 31, 2009 Bucks baseball Bucks caught juicing The entire Championship-winning baseball team has tested positive for anabolic steroids. BY IAN MCLEAN Enjoys Orange Juice stance he was taking was steroids. The entire championship-win- This doesn’t answer every- ning Bucks baseball team tested thing though. Cheater X was positive for anabolic steroids and injected by his cousin. How did now will have to partake in a this banned and dangerous sub- substance abuse program. stance find its way to every other There was never any suspicion player on the team? that the team was juicing during “My teammates saw a drastic their championship run, until improvement in my power num- one of the players decided to bers and asked what I had been come clean. doing,” he said. “So I told them For his safety, he will be my cousin injected me every day referred to as Cheater X. with a foreign substance. They When asked about the sub- asked what the substance was stance he and his teammates but I didn’t have an answer for took, Cheater X said, “I swear I them.” didn’t know what it was. My After his offensive statistics cousin injected me with it, telling skyrocketed wouldn’t you think me it will help me play better. It that the team knew Cheater X wasn’t until the side effects that I was knowingly taking steroids? FOTOZ BY INDEX FINGER began to question what was in Then again, if Alex Rodriguez that needle.” can claim he didn’t know what cheeks. We were sanitary about I feel that we never really needed Unfortunately, the Bucks’ The Bucks athletic department he was being injected with, then it. We used clean syringes every the steroids to do what we did Bucks now belong in the same mandated drug testing for all I guess anyone can. single time.” that season.” category as Barry Bonds, Roger collegiate sports in the fall “Once my teammates con- Every player improved on the Every player on the team Clemens and every other player semester of 2006. vinced me to share the sub- field after several injections of seems to regret the decision, who has been juicing. When Cheater X spoke of side stance, we began stockpiling the the substance. “It got us over the knowing that performance The entire Bucks team has been effects, he referred to his grow- product that my cousin sup- hump,” Cheater X said. “We enhancing drugs are cheating. enrolled in the mandatory sub- ing head size and shrinking gen- plied,” Cheater X said. “We knew we were a good team, but Perhaps their biggest regret is stance abuse program, and is itals. would go to the bathroom when we wanted that extra boost to what the steroids did to their expected to be in game shape for Apparently this was not a nobody was looking and take ensure we were better than the manhood. I bet they wish they next season, without the help of good enough hint that the sub- turns injecting each other’s butt competition. Looking back on it, could go back in time now. steroids. McNabb’s jolly behavior BREAKING NEWS PHELPS BONG PHOTO A FAKE after making horrible plays earns him Girl Scout honor BY JOSEPH KLAUSA that it would be best if he would him. One Redskins fan streaked Honorary Girl Scout retire because Eagles fans are across the room and begged sick and tired of his terrible deci- McNabb to stay, telling him that Time after time throughout his sion-making, followed up by a he was the Redskins’ only chance long career in Philadelphia, flashy smile, pounding of the for a successful season and a pos- Eagles Quarterback Donovan chest and an occasional, “my sible playoff run. He was then McNabb has been seen on the bad.” presented the trophy by a gaggle field making bad plays and fol- Next to the podium was for- of Eagles cheerleaders. lowing that bad play up with a mer Eagles wide receiver McNabb began his acceptance big smile and a chest pound Freddie Mitchell, a.k.a. Fred Ex. speech by thanking Andy Reid while staring into television cam- Mitchell reminisced about his for drafting him and Jeffrey eras. glory days when McNabb and he Lurie, the Eagles owner, for Yesterday The Girl Scouts of connected for one of McNabb’s overpaying him. Philadelphia and fans decided to most famous plays, the fourth He proceeded to talk about his commemorate his behavior by and 26. Mitchell admitted suck- career as if the last couple of awarding him a trophy and put- ing at being wide receiver and years were anything but disas- ting a picture of his big smile and being washed up. He said that trous and how next year is going chest pound on boxes of cookies. the first step toward improve- to be great. He said he had no The award ceremony started ment would require McNabb to intention of retiring anytime BY LAURA IRWIN off when Big Steve, the leader of admit to himself that he sucked. soon and he loves his mama and Junior Photoshop Expert Girl Scout troop five, gave a Mitchell then looked over at Campbell’s Chunky Soup and he speech about how it is okay to be McNabb, removed his sunglass- was thankful someone appreciat- Turns out the amateur photographer, frat party crasher and semi- a washed-up quarterback who es, shed a tear and suggested ed him for his lack of play-mak- professional boxcar racer Jack Spat faked the infamous photo depict- used to have athletic ability. that McNabb retire for the sake ing ability. ing Michael Phelps taking a wicked bong hit. Steve then went on to talk about of Philadelphia. Mitchell then McNabb then thanked all the The photo was really taken during his 8-year-old niece’s birthday how he used to be good at selling welcomed McNabb on stage. Redskins fans for their support, party where Phelps acted as entertainment, blowing up balloon ani- cookies for the girl scouts and McNabb took the podium looked at the Eagles fans and mals as party favors for several children. how he is washed up as well. amid the clapping of Redskins smiled, bumped his chest, and Spat faces charges of fraud for superimposing a bong in place of a Steve capped off his speech by fans, boos from Eagles fans and apologized for the last couple of yellow giraffe and has already recieved several wags of the finger, letting McNabb politely know girl scouts throwing tomatoes at underachieving seasons. previously directed at Phelps.