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Porn in the Pews: Teaching Your Church About the Dangers of Pornography Table of Contents

Chapter 1: So You Want to Open the Can of Worms?. . 3 © 2010 Covenant Eyes Covenant Eyes Chapter 2: 1525 W. King, Box 637 Owosso, MI 48867 Seven Reasons Why Guys Like Porn. . . .8

Toll-free in the U.S.: 1.877.479.1119 Outside the U.S.: 1.989.720.8000 Chapter 3: E-mail: [email protected] Breaking Free: The Way of Wisdom . . . .14 Web: CovenantEyes.com

Document Lead Luke Gilkerson Chapter 4:

Contributing Writers and Editors Brotherhood ...... 20 Sam Black Lisa Eldred Appendix A: Design Lead Grace Hammersley Pornography Statistics...... 28 All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from Appendix B: The Holy Bible, English Standard Version. Copyright ©2001 by Resources...... 33 Crossway Bibles, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved. Chapter 1: So You Want to Open the Can of Worms?

Porn in the church. You’ve read the stats. You know the In this chapter we will explore four key strategies for ad- problem is big. Your gut tells you that men, women, and dressing pornography concerns in your congregation: even kids in your own church are struggling with this is- sue. 1. planning events that woo people out of hiding;

How can you “open the can of worms” for your church? 2. using personal stories to encourage an More importantly, how do you deal with the worms once environment of confession; they’re out? 3. preaching about pornography; and

4. equipping the members of your church for service.

Porn in the Pews • © 2010 CovenantEyes 3 Cracking the Lid: tion members. Perhaps there’s a mature Christian in your midst that used to struggle with pornography. Or maybe Events Woo People Out of Hiding there’s a brave man who’s still in the thick of the struggle who is willing to be brutally honest with others. Perhaps Churches that do the best job bringing this issue out into you have a story of your own. the light usually start with some sort of event that breaks the ice. These events involve someone leading from the If you don’t know anyone in your congregation who is able front, either a down-to-earth talk about pornography or a and willing to share their story, there might be others in heart-felt story of struggle. your network you can find. Are you a part of a denomina- tion or ministerial association? Ask some of your fellow The point of events like these ministers if they know anyone with a story to share that Those who are is to woo people out of hid- you can bring in. struggling with ing. Those who are struggling pornography with pornography on some Another option, though often not as powerful, is using on some level level are very likely struggling some sort of multimedia. Covenant Eyes has provided are very likely alone. They don’t feel free to videos on its YouTube channel2 as resources to help you bring their sin into the light get started. A free DVD can be shipped to your church struggling alone. of confession. Perhaps they by calling toll-free at 1.877.479.1119. You can also surf aren’t close enough to any- through our “Favorites” to find videos made by other min- one to trust them with their secret. Perhaps they simply istries and companies. feel too ashamed. Perhaps they’re not ready to give up their sin and they prefer the secrecy. Having a large-group event is not the ultimate goal. It is a means to the goal of Removing the Lid: getting people out of their dark corners. Preaching on Pornography

What events would work best for your church? Consider While pornography may be a taboo subject in your com- a Saturday morning men’s breakfast, or a youth event. munity or congregation, addressing this subject in a Perhaps you have midweek services that are widely at- frank and honest way is vital in our modern age. When tended. Or maybe this is something that deserves a Sun- the prophets and apostles spoke of the sexual tempta- day morning message. Whatever you choose to do, don’t tions assaulting God’s people, they were able to be frank shrink back because you know this topic will ruffle some without being crass, specific without being lewd, and holy feathers. Any time you open a can of worms, you’re likely without being prudish. The language and tone we use from to get a few squirms. the pulpit needs to reflect the real-life temptations people face. Pastors, ministers, and teachers need to speak in a Lifting the Lid: way that links Biblical principles to the everyday experi- The Power of Story ences of those in the congregation. Pornography, like any sub- Jon Acuff1 talks about giving people “the gift of going sec- ject, can only be understood The language ond.” When some brave person is willing to share their in its broader contexts. First, and tone we story first, this gives the rest of the church the gift of go- it must be understood in the use from the ing second. When one person is willing to say, “I love you behavioral context of sexual- pulpit needs to enough to crucify my public image and get real with you,” ity. Second, it must be under- this motivates others to be honest themselves. stood in the modern context reflect the real- of sexualized media. Third, life temptations Who should tell their story? Ideally it should be someone it must be understood in the people face. people in your church might know—one of your congrega- hidden context of prostitution.

Porn in the Pews • © 2010 CovenantEyes 4 And last, it must be understood in the spiritual context of electronic media, we must digest billions of bite-sized im- idolatry. ages—billions of pictures painting a thousand words at break-neck speeds.

Sexuality Much of the media we see is hyper-sexualized. Pornogra- phy is merely the tip of a very large iceberg. The task of the Porn touches a nerve today because it touches the sensi- preacher is to lower the water line to see how other forms tive subject of sexuality, which has been a thorny subject of sexual media actually fuel our desires to see more ex- for a long time. Many ministers rightly feel the tension of plicit material. It comes through television, movies, and wanting to equip their people with a complete biblical view the Internet. As we train others to guard their eyes, it is of life—including sexuality—while at the same time being important we don’t merely draw the line between porn and sensitive to the diversity of their congregation. Week after non-porn. These “gray areas” also need to be addressed. week preachers stand before mixed crowds of married and single, children and adults, homosexual and hetero- sexual. Preaching about sexuality involves an understand- Prostitution ing of your congregation and how best to speak to their Ask someone if they would ever want to knowingly con- current situations. tribute to sex trafficking or if they would ever want to -fi With this diversity in mind, preachers must start with the nancially support a brothel. Most would say no. And yet question, “How can I equip my congregation with a bibli- many are unaware of the connections between pornogra- cal view of sexuality?” As the purpose and beauty of sexu- phy and other forms of commercial sex (such as prostitu- ality is understood in a biblical light, lust and pornography tion, trafficking, strip clubs, etc.). can be denounced as the warped things that they are. Peel away the gloss of por- When we only denounce pornography without promoting nography and we find a Many are unaware righteous sexuality, we offer our people a lopsided truth. very dark world. STDs are of the connections Paul urged his readers to not have even a hint of sexual rampant in the porn indus- between immorality among them, and in the same chapter he urges try. Alcohol and drugs are husbands and wives to nourish, cherish, love, and respect regularly abused to help pornography and each other (Eph. 5). We must expose the deeds of dark- performers get through their other forms of ness in porn for what they are, while at the same time scenes. Physical violence is commercial sex speak about what is good, right, and true about marital commonplace. There is a (such as prostitution, sexuality (Eph. 5:7-13). push in the industry towards trafficking, strip rougher, more sadistic sex. Behind the lights, camera clubs, etc.) Media angles, and clever editing is We live in transitional times. In modern America we are a toxic world of exploitation shifting from a print-based culture to an image based-cul- and degradation. ture. It is a shift from the printed word to the digital image, A variety of personal factors might contribute to a wom- from the printing press to the computer. This shift affects an’s involvement in the industry, but consumers also bear everything: how we do politics, how we advertise, how we responsibility. To intentionally consume pornography is to educate, and how we worship. consume prostitution—to endorse the exploitation of an- More and more studies reveal that overstimulation of me- other human being. dia actually changes the way our brains work, limiting our Preaching about pornography need not merely be a call ability to focus and set priorities. With print, readers pro- to personal purity (though it certainly is that). Preaching cess information within the text at their own pace. With about pornography is also a prophetic call to Biblical jus-

Porn in the Pews • © 2010 CovenantEyes 5 tice. In front of the camera lens is another human being God or to some God-substitute. Individually, we who ought to be treated with the dignity of someone cre- will ultimately look either to God or to success, ated in the image of God. By clicking on or paying for romance, family, status, popularity, beauty pornography, we endorse an industry that regularly preys or something else to make us feel personally on the vulnerability of others, and treats them as com- significant and secure, and to guide our choices. modities. Culturally we will ultimately look to either God or to the free market, the state, the elites, the will of the people, science and technology, military might, Idolatry human reason, racial pride, or something else to The great drama of Scripture is this: whom will we wor- make us corporately significant and secure, and ship? The themes of idolatry and the supremacy of the to guide our choices. [...] true God over false gods leap off the pages of the Bible. Idolatry is one of the great unifying themes of Scripture. Sin isn’t only doing bad things, it is more Wherever sin is found, we find idols lurking close behind. fundamentally making good things into ultimate things. Sin is building your life and meaning on The Bible doesn’t limit idola- The critical anything, even a very good thing, more than on try to the worship of graven God. Whatever we build our life on will drive us question is not images, but expands this and enslave us. Sin is primarily idolatry. “What desire category to include the is driving me?” “idols of the heart” (Ezekiel When it comes to viewing pornography, there may be many motivations at play, but as preachers we can help but “Who is the 14:1-8). Paul called covet- ousness idolatry (Ephesians others see these motivations as idolatrous. For one guy master of my 5:5; Colossians 3:5). He says the idol might be the porn images themselves. This is thoughts, feelings, those who live as enemies garden-variety lust: a fascination with the female form that or behaviors?” Is it of the cross of Christ have compels someone to take the second, third, and fourth the Creator God, made their own appetites glances, consumed with the image of her. For another their god (Philippians 3:19). person the idol might be something the fantasy woman or is it an idol? gives him in his fantasy world: approval, respect, a desire To speak of sin is not merely to be loved, a desire for companionship, comfort, plea- to speak of behavior but to sure, control, or power. address the heart, the seat of our desires, imaginations, and longings. The critical question is not “What desire is When the preacher speaks of idolatry and pornography driving me?” but “Who is the master my thoughts, feel- together, this helps others to “frame” their sin, to start la- ings, or behaviors?” Is it the Creator God, or is it an idol? beling it in Biblical terms. This is central to how we renew our minds: we no longer conform to worldly labels that We are not just people with wants and needs. We are excuse, justify, or downplay sin (Rom. 12:2), but we begin 3 people with masters and gods. Tim Keller says this best: to see sin as God sees it.

Whatever we worship we will serve, for worship Speaking this way also gets at the root of the problem: the and service are always inextricably bound heart. When we address only behavior, at best, only be- together. We are “covenantal” beings. We enter havior will change, and even then not for very long. As bib- into covenant service with whatever most captures lical counselor Tim Lane says, we don’t behave ourselves our imagination and heart. It ensnares us. So into sin; we worship ourselves into sin. Thus we must wor- every human personality, community, thought- ship our way out of it. As people begin repenting of their form, and culture will be based on some ultimate idols in the heart and focusing on the all-surpassing glory concern or some ultimate allegiance—either to of Christ, this will bring about lasting change.

Porn in the Pews • © 2010 CovenantEyes 6 Dealing with the Worms: tions among the youth of the church. Perhaps there are some who could help your existing youth ministry in this Equipping the Saints for Ministry capacity. Perhaps there are some who want to facilitate youth events geared around these topics. The poison of pornography touches all types of people. Paul Fishbein, founder of the trade journal of the adult in- We may live in a world full of pornography, but there are dustry, says, “Porn doesn’t have a demographic—it goes also more resources than ever before to deal with these across all demographics.”4 concerns. Look through Appendix B for resources to rec- ommend to your congregation. This is why it isn’t enough to merely open the can of worms. What do we do when the can is open and the worms are out? Some men or women may step forward A Culture of Accountability who are falling to the temptation of porn again and again. Some people may confess to being entrenched in por- Once worms are out of the can they don’t live too long. nography for years. Parents may step forward unsure of Exposed to the direct heat and light of the sun, worms how to protect their home from sexual media and Inter- shrivel and die. The same is true with secret sin: exposed net dangers. Wives may step forward heart-broken about to the light of Christ, sin dries up. their husbands’ frequent porn use. We may live in a world full of pornography—so full, we This is one reason why God has made it the task of church think, exposure to it is inevitable. And for many people in leaders to equip the saints for the work of ministry (Ephe- your church, it is inevitable. No matter what external mea- sians 4:12). This means we must train our church mem- sures are put in place, many of them will see it at one point bers to minister to one another, to create communities or another. Living in a sinful world, we are bound to rub where souls can find help, counsel, rebuke, healing, and shoulders with tempting images. But we are not passive support. agents. Your church can be trained to react differently. Your church can be equipped to face these temptations. Ministers should prayerfully look for those in the church that sense some sort of calling to help and then equip All four of the tactics we mentioned in this chapter are them to serve in whatever capacity they are able. You geared towards the same goal: creating a culture of ac- might sense a need for a wide variety of ministries. countability in your church. As people come forward to share their stories, others feel more comfortable to con- You might find a need to strengthen marriages in your fess their sins. As people embrace a biblical understand- church. Perhaps there are some in your church who want ing of sin and temptation, they see great value in exposing to start a small group for couples. Perhaps there are some their sin in the light of safe confession. As smaller groups who want to help lead a couple’s retreat or link up with of Christians form to encourage one another, a context for another ministry that leads marriage retreats. accountability is created.

You might find a need to have a support group for guys The rest of this book is aimed at giving you an example of who struggle with pornography. Pray that God would how to talk about pornography in your church and how to raise up a man or group of men who will feel led to take on engage your people to create a culture of accountability. the leadership of a group like that.

You might see a need for a support group for wives. Again perhaps there is a woman or group of women who would love to lead a group that helps wives who are strug- gling with their husband’s use of pornography. 1. http://stuffchristianslike.net/2009/03/502-confessing-safe-sins 2. http://youtube.com/covenanteyes You might see a need to address pornography tempta- 3. http://www.stevekmccoy.com/keller-idoaltry.pdf 4. http://www.nytimes.com/2001/05/20/magazine/20PORN.html

Porn in the Pews • © 2010 CovenantEyes 7 Chapter 2: Seven Reasons Why Guys Like Porn

Why are guys drawn to pornography? Experience tells us remember the picture on the front in enough detail it isn’t merely because guys like looking at naked women. it makes my heart ache. It’s the damage of images For many guys the draw to pornography can become al- that cannot be unseen. This small experience was most compulsive. the first step in aligning myself with a lifestyle that would hijack huge chunks of my life for the next Here is the beginning of a testimony from a man brave 20-plus years. enough to share his story: Internally, I was hooked. The attention I craved I was around the age of 10 when I discovered came from the women staring back at me from something the others hadn’t. It was something those pages. No girl I knew in real life would look that finally gave me the attention I had been at me like that. So comforting and so accepting. craving, the affection I’d felt I was missing, and it They didn’t judge me; they loved me for who I provided me a feeling of adequacy I yearned for. was. This was my special world and I had decided Pornography. for me that I was going to do all I could to keep it a secret from everyone. Initially, I found it almost melodramatic. While I had heard about it, I’d never seen any before. As I think As my time with pornography continued into back on it I can remember exactly where I found it, my middle-teen years I began to progress with exactly how it was folded, and sadly enough, I can a collection of more magazines, and further to

Porn in the Pews • © 2010 CovenantEyes 8 videos if given that chance. Pornography had and with bold face she says to him, become a constant vehicle in my life. With the 14 “I had to offer sacrifices, discovery of masturbation, pornography merely and today I have paid my vows; became a means to an end. With the onset and 15 so now I have come out to meet you, proliferation of computers and the Internet, I never to seek you eagerly, and I have found you. stood a chance resisting it and the instances of 16 I have spread my couch with coverings, looking at and using pornography increased colored linens from Egyptian linen; exponentially. My compulsion for pornography 17 I have perfumed my bed with myrrh, opened the door (acting as a catalyst) for easy aloes, and cinnamon. justification for anything and everything. 18 Come, let us take our fill of love till morning; let us delight ourselves with love. Does this sound familiar? The details are different for each 19 For my husband is not at home; guy, but across the spectrum many guys report the same he has gone on a long journey; power pornography once had or continues to have over 20 he took a bag of money with him; them. at full moon he will come home.” 21 With much seductive speech she persuades him; Proverbs 7 with her smooth talk she compels him. 22 All at once he follows her, as an ox goes to the slaughter, 1 My son, keep my words or as a stag is caught fast and treasure up my commandments with you; 23 till an arrow pierces its liver; 2 keep my commandments and live; as a bird rushes into a snare; keep my teaching as the apple of your eye; he does not know that it will cost him his life. 3 bind them on your fingers; 24 And now, O sons, listen to me, write them on the tablet of your heart. and be attentive to the words of my mouth. 4 Say to wisdom, “You are my sister,” 25 Let not your heart turn aside to her ways; and call insight your intimate friend, do not stray into her paths, 5 to keep you from the forbidden woman, 26 for many a victim has she laid low, from the adulteress with her smooth words. and all her slain are a mighty throng. 6 For at the window of my house 27 Her house is the way to Sheol, I have looked out through my lattice, going down to the chambers of death. 7 and I have seen among the simple, I have perceived among the youths, The View from Solomon’s a young man lacking sense, Window 8 passing along the street near her corner, taking the road to her house The story is a fairly simple one to follow. Solomon is look- 9 in the twilight, in the evening, ing out his window, looking down on the streets of Jeru- at the time of night and darkness. salem, and he sees a featherbrained young kid walking 10 And behold, the woman meets him, down the street at night. He comes across a seductive dressed as a prostitute, wily of heart. woman who entices him to come home with her. Adultery 11 She is loud and wayward; ensues. her feet do not stay at home; 12 now in the street, now in the market, This text reveals to the reader the crafty ploys of this se- and at every corner she lies in wait. ductive woman. Solomon is giving his reader both a lit- 13 She seizes him and kisses him, eral and metaphorical birds-eye-view of the situation. It’s like watching the suspense movie where you, the viewer,

Porn in the Pews • © 2010 CovenantEyes 9 know who the bad guy is, you know where he’s hiding, 1 that as we look at the vis- you know what’s up his sleeve, but the unsuspecting vic- ible created world our minds As we look tim does not know. If the characters on-screen only knew should perceive the invisible at the visible what you knew, they wouldn’t fall into the deadly trap. God. We should notice His created world eternal power and divine na- our minds should That’s the view Solomon is giving us. He wants his readers ture, and then as we perceive to first see this temptation through the safety of his win- Him we should be moved to perceive the dow so that when they find themselves on the same street honor and worship Him as the invisible God. on a dark night they aren’t falling into the same traps. immortal God. But instead, This sexual encounter is no accident. Solomon says of Paul says, we are always ex- this woman that she is “wily of heart.” The Hebrew ex- changing “the glory of the immortal God for images re- pression literally means “guarded,” which means she has sembling mortal man and birds and animals and creeping secret strategies that she holds close to her; she has a things” (Romans 1:23). This is idolatry. plan, a scheme. She has planned this encounter. Notice what Paul says here is our chief problem: it’s a wor- This story—and the lures the woman uses to get the man ship disorder. Our hearts should be captured with the glo- in bed with her—offer some startling parallels with modern ry of the immortal God, but instead we become fixated on pornography. images of created things. Among all the created things the image of a woman’s body often ranks at #1 for men. Man’s natural draw to a woman’s beauty becomes twisted, and Lure #1: Physical Lust we make images of women our god—the things that truly captivate us and capture our imaginations. The first lure, physical lust, is the most directly observable temptation. Verse 10 states that she is “dressed as a pros- This is what pornography does. Pornographers are basi- titute.” This woman is dressed to kill. She is seductive. cally modern day idol-makers, only their material is not wood or stone, but pixels on a monitor. Their chisels are This is the most obvious, in-your-face reason why men are camera angles, lighting, makeup, and clever photo and drawn to pornography. They like to look at naked women, video editing. And just like Israel before us, we take these plain and simple. idols into our hearts (Ezekiel 14:3). Men have a sex drive. When a man is attuned to a wom- an’s form, when he sees a sensual image, or when he fan- Lure #2: Passive Pleasure tasizes, this triggers a reflexive release of testosterone in his body and his brain begins to cultivate a desire for sex. She seizes him and kisses him, and with bold Remember: this sex drive is created by God. When you face she says to him… (Prov. 7:13). read the creation account in the book of Genesis, what is This is the woman’s very first move. No words: just an the apex of the physical creation? After creating the moon in-your-face sensual embrace, telling him everything he and stars, plants and animals, and the garden of para- wants to hear with her body language and her gaze. dise, the climax of the physical universe is the woman. God forms Eve and brings her to Adam, and as they stand What message is she sending this man? She is easy, vul- naked before each other, he erupts with a poem packed nerable, and eager. He can have her with no commitment with anticipation and excitement: “This at last is bone of or work on his part. He merely has to follow her home; she my bone and flesh of my flesh.” It is then God calls his will do the rest. creation not just good but very good. This is another reason why guys like porn. The actresses But when sin entered the picture it changed the way we in this digital harem are eager and willing. He just has to relate to the created world. Paul comments in Romans find them. This is the lure ofpassive pleasure.

Porn in the Pews • © 2010 CovenantEyes 10 A man wants the embrace of a woman—a good and godly they justify spending hours and hours looking at pornog- desire—and so God has set up the institution of marriage. raphy because it is their treat to themselves—the way they A few chapters prior, Solomon encourages his readers to wind down or escape. For some this is a subconscious “rejoice in the wife of your youth” (5:18). A man’s godly motivation: they don’t even realize it, but they run to por- character beckons him to not only seek a wife, but more nography again and again because it is a fantasy where all importantly, to cultivate the virtues of a godly husband, the arrangements have been made for them, and where and be a man of character. they can forget their worries, dissatisfaction, and discon- tent. But our sexual drive is not neutral. Like everything in our psychological make-up, our sex drive is stained with sin. The world is full of hardships and difficulties, and when We have this bent toward passive pleasure, not loving we encounter them something in us revolts. Something in commitment. Marriage involves commitment, pursuit, in- us longs to return to Eden, before the curse and decay of tentionality, romance, love, and respect. Marriage is about sin entered human existence. We long for the comforts of taking care of someone other than yourself. Lust involves Paradise. The gospel tells us there is a day coming when none of this. This is why pornography is so alluring to there will be a new heaven and a new earth, when Para- some men. Like a lot of temptations, pornography offers dise will be restored to us, when there will be harmony a quick fix, a shortcut to pleasure without virtue. Pornog- between us and God, harmony with one another, harmony raphy rips sexual pleasure from its relational context and with creation. But when we face the stress of fallen con- creates a realm of fantasy. It enables a man to feel like a ditions, our sinful hearts don’t retreat to that hope. We man without requiring him to be one.1 retreat by making temporary Edens, small paradises that we can control, paradises centered not around God but Lure #3: Escape centered on ourselves. This is one reason why porn is so alluring: it gives us a I had to offer sacrifices, and today I have paid my ready-made cast and plotline for a fantasy world to which vows [...] I have spread my couch with coverings, we can escape. colored linens from Egyptian linen (Prov. 7:14,16).

These are the very first words out of her mouth. The word Lure #4: Secrecy “sacrifices” is the word used in the Old Testament for the fellowship offerings, animal sacrifices presented and For my husband is not at home; he has gone on slaughtered at the temple, with a portion given back to the a long journey; he took a bag of money with him; worshipper for them to eat. It was usually eaten that day at full moon he will come home (Prov. 7:19-20). among friends and family. These were the choicest cuts of She informs him that her husband has gone on a business meat. She’s effectively saying to this man, “I have a table trip and isn’t expected to return until the next full moon. In with the best foods spread at my house right now.” other words, she is saying, “Don’t worry. There is no fear In verse 16 she continues talking about her couch. Usu- of getting caught.” ally people in that culture would recline to eat, and she Often porn is enticing because of its secrecy. Pornogra- is describing a special seat reserved for him at her table, phy thrives on secrecy. covered with expensive, exquisite cloth imported from Egypt. This was the luxury bedding of Solomon’s day. She Psychologist Al Cooper noted this when he coined the has spared no expense for him. She is inviting him into an “Triple-A Engine” of Internet pornography and cyber-sex. experience of comfort and delight. People are drawn to porn because it is (1) affordable, (2) accessible, and (3) anonymous. Affordable—porn is rela- For many men pornography is their place of comfort, their tively cheap or free online. Accessible—the Internet brings refuge, their escape. For some this is a conscious thing:

Porn in the Pews • © 2010 CovenantEyes 11 pornography right into the private corners of your home Lure #5: Pride or office at high speeds. And anonymous—no one has to know that you see it; it is secret. I have come out to meet you, to seek you ea- It’s been said true character is who you are when yno- gerly, and I have found you (Prov. 7:15). body’s looking. We let our true colors shine when nobody Notice how she plays this guy. “I have come out to meet else sees what we’re doing. YOU, to seek YOU eagerly, and I have found YOU.” She This applies to both the good and the bad, doesn’t it? probably would have said the same thing to the next guy Jesus said if you want to pray, fast, or give to the poor who came along, but she insists that he’s the one and from a pure heart, then do these things when no one is only. She makes him feel desired, wanted and attractive. looking except your Father in heaven. Then, He says, you Solomon crystallizes this so well in verse 21: “With much will receive the true lasting reward of doing them. seductive speech she persuades him; with her smooth (or To use the old Latin phrase, we must live coram Deo, “be- flattering) talk she compels him.” fore the face of God.” We are to live our lives conscious Today we might say she is stroking his ego. She is playing of God’s presence and omniscience and all-penetrating to his pride. This is the same ploy used in pornography to- gaze. Coram Deo means we not only know but also su- day: to catch the man up in the fantasy experience where premely care that God always sees us, that God is sover- HE is the main character. The woman on the screen is eign. There is nothing hidden from His sight, and knowing selling the lie: she wants HIM, she notices HIM. this utterly transforms how we live. For many guys, physical lust is not the only thing driving The Internet has brought this issue to the forefront. As their fixation on pornography, masturbation, and fantasy. more and more of us live detached, anonymous lives on- It’s also motivated by pride or self-worship. The fantasy line, we start to see what really motivates us, what really world is like a film playing in their minds. When they fanta- makes us tick. Behind closed doors our real motivations size they cast their latest crush as the leading lady in the surface. Before the Internet, many Christians might have movie of their minds—but who is the main character? He avoided the trap of pornography, but was that avoidance is the main character, producer, and director all in one. The merely conformity to Christian social norms, or born out of lady reads the script he wants her to read. In the movie of a desire to please the God who always sees us? his mind, the plot is all about him, and she is merely the The anonymity of the Internet has exposed something supporting actress. The fantasy is about how irresistible deep in our hearts, a deeply rooted belief that there is a he is and how she makes him feel about himself. piece of life that we can totally have as our own, a territory This, again, is idolatry. One of the reasons why porn is so that we can rule outside of powerful is because it reinforces our sinful desire to wor- God’s sovereign gaze, a small ship ourselves. Shatter the kingdom of our own where anonymity and we can play by our own rules. we shatter the But in order to live in this de- Lure #6: False Intimacy illusion that our ception, we need secrecy. By decisions affect shattering the anonymity we Come, let us take our fill of love till morning. shatter the illusion that our (Prov. 7:18) no one else but us. decisions affect no one else but us. What a wonderful phrase for a husband to hear from his wife, and yet it is found in the mouth of an adulteress.

She speaks of the “love” they will enjoy all night long. The Hebrew word, dowd, translated here as “love,” is used

Porn in the Pews • © 2010 CovenantEyes 12 many, many times in Solomon’s celebrated love poem, [I]f it had not been for the law, I would not have the Song of Solomon. It is used as the pet name between known sin. For I would not have known what it the two lovers: “my Beloved.” It is also used to refer to the is to covet if the law had not said, “You shall not affectionate, passionate love they share: covet.” But sin, seizing an opportunity through the commandment, produced in me all kinds of How beautiful is your love, my sister, my bride! covetousness. For apart from the law, sin lies How much better is your love than wine, and the dead. I was once alive apart from the law, but fragrance of your oils than any spice! Your lips drip when the commandment came, sin came alive nectar, my bride; honey and milk are under your and I died. The very commandment that promised tongue; the fragrance of your garments is like the life proved to be death to me. For sin, seizing an fragrance of Lebanon (Song of Solomon 4:10-11). opportunity through the commandment, deceived me and through it killed me (Romans 7:7-11). This sort of love describes the physical and verbal foreplay between Solomon and his bride right before making love. Follow Paul’s logic here. First, Paul speaks about the principle of sin in the members of his body: a drive in his The forbidden woman is playing on this deep motivation bones to live autonomously, to disobey God. Second, he for love. This is what pornography offers a man. Pornogra- speaks of God’s law. He specifically mentions the tenth phy seeks to tap into a deep part of us that desires close- commandment: You shall not covet. What happens when 2 ness and then creates parody of it. Porn is false intimacy. this sinful drive meets God’s law?

A lot of single guys have a dreaded fear of being alone. It was as if covetous desire was laying dormant in Paul— They want to experience love and intimacy. Even married asleep, dead. Then the command not to covet brought his guys experience this, especially if their marriage is not all sin to life, arousing the sleeping giant. The command, of they hoped it would be. course, promises life to those who walk in it (Deuteronomy Of course we were created for intimacy. It is a part of our 5:33), but our sinful drives within actually use the com- make-up as God’s creatures. But in our sin-soaked hearts, mand to stir up more lust. Knowing we are not allowed this desire becomes an idolatrous demand. To the one to have something kicks lust into overdrive and produces who desires companionship more than God’s glory, being what Paul calls “all kinds of covetousness.” This is one alone is hell. To save ourselves from this hell, the porn girls more reason why this foolish young man follows her home; in our fantasies become fitting saviors. But as we bring he wants what he cannot have. our twisted desires to Christ and make them subservient A few chapters later Solomon sums up the motto of Lady to His glory, then and only then do we begin getting a Folly: “Stolen water is sweet, and bread eaten in secret is taste of intimacy the way it was meant to be. pleasant” (Proverbs 9:13). This is why “the other woman” pulls at a man’s heart. Pornography gives a man the feel- Lure #7: The Forbidden ing that he has been given the key to the back door of forbidden pleasures. Solomon describes the adultress as “the forbidden wom- an” in verse 5. The word carries the idea of someone who is foreign or a stranger. She belongs to someone else. She is not his. It’s not just that she is an attractive woman: she is a forbidden woman. She is off-limits. 1. This observation comes from Michael Cusick, particularly his involvement in the Somebody’s Daughter project. Visit This is what our sinful nature does: we want what we can’t SombodysDaughter.org for more information. have. The Bible calls this covetousness. Paul spoke about 2. Dr. Harry Schaumburg wrote an excellent book called False Intimacy about how things like pornography hijack our desires this in Romans 7: for intimacy and offers a cheap replacement of pleasure without relationship.

Porn in the Pews • © 2010 CovenantEyes 13 Chapter 3: Breaking Free—The Way of Wisdom

So what’s the good news here? Does Solomon offer any ence of generations. Wisdom, for Solomon, is not merely hope? You may be thinking about these seven crafty lures something that involves mental discernment. Wisdom is used by the forbidden woman and think: many of these also moral skill. It’s both knowing what is best and know- describe me in some way; how can I defeat this thing? ing why it’s best, thus having the godly motivation to choose it. Here is Solomon’s answer: Solomon sees this sexual temptation as a matter of per- My son, keep my words and treasure up suasion. “With much seductive speech she persuades my commandments with you; keep my him” (7:21). That phrase, “seductive speech,” can also be commandments and live; keep my teaching as the translated “persuasive words.” Solomon uses the exact apple of your eye; bind them on your fingers; write same term in chapter 4, verse 2, to refer to the precepts them on the tablet of your heart. Say to wisdom, and teachings he gives to his readers. In other words, per- “You are my sister,” and call insight your intimate suasion cuts both ways. One can use persuasion to move friend. To keep you from the forbidden woman, someone to good or evil, life or death. You will either be from the adulteress with her smooth words ( Prov. persuaded by the world to sin or by wisdom to godliness. 7:1-5). In Proverbs 7 there are at least four things that mark the The biblical idea of wisdom essentially means “skillful path of wisdom: living”—the ability to make right choices. For Solomon, wisdom is not just book knowledge; it is street smarts: »» First, think soberly about the consequences. practical and fruitful understanding based on the experi- »» Second, repent of pursuing tempting paths.

Porn in the Pews • © 2010 CovenantEyes 14 »» Third, pay attention to your heart. to some sort of death.

»» And last, walk with the wise. More importantly, Jesus said there are eternal conse- quences to lust. Think soberly about the consequences. You have heard that it was said, “You shall not Her house is the way to Sheol, going down to the commit adultery.” But I say to you that everyone chambers of death (Prov. 7:27). who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart. Sheol is the realm of the dead. Here Solomon is using If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and vivid language to describe the final consequence of lust. throw it away. For it is better that you lose one He’s playing on words here: the man on the street is going of your members than that your whole body be to her bed chamber, but really it is a chamber leading to thrown into hell (Matthew 5:27-29). death. Jesus raises the moral stakes of lust to eternity. Solo- What sort of death does Solomon mean? Is this just hy- mon’s example is of a man and a woman who commit lit- perbole or something much more serious? eral adultery. This is a hell-worthy act. But Jesus says that At the very least, Solomon is talking about a ruined life. In merely looking at someone with lustful intent is worthy of verses 22 and 23 he writes, “As an ox goes to the slaugh- the same fiery punishment. ter, or as a stag is caught fast till an arrow pierces its liver Look carefully at what Jesus [...] he does not know that it will cost him his life.” In He- is saying. He is not saying brew thinking, the liver was thought to be the seat of our Merely looking that all people who lust go at someone with passions and feelings. Solomon is using some irony here. to hell. If that were the case, It was this young man’s passions and emotions that led you would be hard-pressed lustful intent is him into the snare, and now a deadly arrow is lodged in to find anyone in heaven at worthy of the same the place where lust began. Solomon says that those who all. He is speaking to people fiery punishment. go down this path will suffer great pangs of conscience whose eyes have caused and inner corruption—death in the heart. them to sin, people already When we speak of the subject of pornography we could guilty of lust. His warning to us is that you are in danger form a line of people miles long who could give one testi- of hell if you do not fight your lust. He says those who will mony after another about how lust started small for them face the fires of hell are those who harbored lust in their but led to more costly decisions. We could talk to men heart and did nothing radical about it. who eventually ended up addicted, ruining their relation- Does this warning ring hollow to you? After all, if we be- ships, or who went thousands of dollars into debt in order lieve we are saved, if we believe we have been forgiven of to satisfy their lusts. We could talk to men who know the all our sins—past, present, and future—then maybe we incredible pain of sexual brokenness. We could talk to the think this warning does not apply to us. It only applies to fiancés and wives whose relationships have ended be- other people, right? But in Matthew 5, Jesus is talking to cause of pornography. We could talk to thousands of men His disciples. He’s speaking to the church. He’s not ad- who ended up in sexual perversions they never thought dressing merely the outsider. He’s saying to the church they would do. that they must take lust seriously. If we don’t, we may The worst thing that you could be telling yourself right now stand before Christ some day, spiritual resumé in hand, is that you are the exception to the rule. You are not the only to hear the fateful words, “I never knew you; depart exception. There are no exceptions. Yes, sin takes its toll from me, you workers of lawlessness” (Matt. 7:23). on all of us in different ways. Yes, consequences are dif- Paul writes to the church in similar terms in 1 Corinthians ferent for each person. But dabbling in porn always leads 6.

Porn in the Pews • © 2010 CovenantEyes 15 Do you not know that the unrighteous will not Christian musician Rich Mullins tells a story about this. He inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: said for several years he traveled by himself and found neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor that it was too tempting to not watch the porn movies in adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, hotel rooms, so he made a personal commitment to never nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor travel alone. One night he was in Amsterdam, famous for revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of its red light district. He says he was in his hotel at night, God. And such were some of you. But you were waiting to hear his friend start snoring so he could be sure washed, you were sanctified, you were justified he was asleep. He thought, “Maybe it would just be fun in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the to take a walk and be tempted.” He never heard his friend Spirit of our God (1 Cor. 6:9-11). snore, and in the early morning hours he finally gave up out of sheer exhaustion.1 He’s not talking about incidents of sin. We all have those. He’s talking about unchecked habits of sin—lifestyles of How seriously do you sin. Apparently there were some in the church at Corinth treat sin? The more we The more we that got the idea that you could claim to be forgiven of sin understand why sin is understand why sin and still practice sin. Paul’s warning to them was stern: Do such an affront to God, is such an affront to not be deceived. This mentality is a lie. the more the idea of God, the more the playing with temptation We only belong to Christ if the Spirit of Christ lives in us will seem detestable to idea of playing with (Romans 8:9), and when the Spirit of God is in us He both us. For instance, if we temptation will seem enables and obligates us to put to death the misdeeds of just want to be moralis- detestable to us. the body (8:13). This is what it means to be a son of God— tic, we look at behaviors what it means to be led by the Spirit. We don’t fight sin in that pertain to sexuality order to be saved. We fight sin because we are already and draw arbitrary lines: “Okay, these sorts of activities saved. And when the fight isn’t in us, we should be asking break the rules, and these other ones do not.” When I whether the Spirit is either. have this attitude then I can easily justify the grey areas, We are meant to read the words of Solomon and have where I allow myself to dance on the edge of the cliff as some sobriety knocked into us. “Her house is the way to long as I don’t fall in. This is moralistic thinking divorced Sheol, going down to the chambers of death.” Pornog- from a true Godward orientation in our heart. raphy leads to emotional death, relational death, spiritual But that’s not the wisdom of Solomon. death, and eventually eternal death. »» “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge.” Repent of pursuing the tempting paths (Proverbs 1:7) »» “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, Do not stray into her paths (Prov. 7:25). and the knowledge of the Holy One is insight.” He’s saying: Don’t be like this fool I saw out my window. (Proverbs 9:10) Don’t stray down the path to her house, “passing along »» “The fear of the Lord is instruction in wisdom.” the street near her corner, taking the road to her house in (Proverbs 15:33) the twilight, in the evening, at the time of night and dark- ness” (7:8-9). This is not a casual evening stroll. It is an »» “The fear of the Lord is hatred of evil.” (Proverbs intentional movement in the direction of temptation. It 8:13) could actually be translated that he “marched” down her street. In the darkness of twilight this man is walking quite When Solomon uses the term yir’ah, translated “fear,” it deliberately toward her house. is a term that captures the idea of both shrinking back in

Porn in the Pews • © 2010 CovenantEyes 16 terror and drawing close in amazement. It is true worship. For Solomon the focus is on the heart. The heart walks It is a disposition of the heart that both dreads and draws. down the path of temptation long before the feet do. Solomon says this disposition is the controlling principle of living a wise life. To be wise we must first have our wor- The “heart” is mentioned over 70 times in the book of ship right. Proverbs. It is a word that refers to the seat of our appe- tites, our knowledge, our emotion, anxiety, joy, rage, bit- When we fear God we don’t just know where the lines terness, passions, plans, motives, inclinations, and even between good and evil are, we come to hate evil because our will. The heart is our whole inner person. God hates it. Paul would say it this way: “Make no provi- sion for the flesh, to gratify its desires” (Rom. 13:14) and For Solomon the heart is the source of all our plans and “sexual immorality and all impurity or covetousness must actions. A signature verse from the book of Proverbs high- not even be named among you” (Eph. 5:3). lights the centrality of the heart: “Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life” (4:23). With all When it comes to pornography we must not just repent of vigilance—with diligence, above all else, more than any- looking at it, we must also honor God by repenting of our thing—guard your inner life, your heart, because it is the yearning to be tempted by it. For you, what is that path wellspring of all you say and do. to the forbidden woman? It may be a different stumbling block for each of us: a time of day or night, a certain place, What does it mean to guard your heart? For starters, it a certain computer, a certain set of conditions. We must simply means to notice. We must first notice when our take note of these tempting paths and repent of pursuing hearts begin to act like the fool. We must train our minds them. to recognize when the lures of lust start to pull at us.

How serious do you treat sin? The real problem for many Look at the seven lures that captured this man and then men who face pornography temptation is that for them the regularly test your heart. temptation is a part of the whole experience. They revel in 1. When we find ourselves drawn to physical lust, getting close to the edge. They make seemingly unimport- when our eyes lead us astray, we need to learn ant decisions that bring them one step closer to the object how to bounce the eyes away and then bounce of lust: “I’m just going to check my e-mail,” or “I’m just go- our thoughts toward the worship of God. When ing to see who’s online,” they tell themselves. Deep down, we find our minds easily conjuring up fantasies, part of them actually hopes to encounter the temptation. we must quickly see this and guard our hearts This attitude of wanting to “get close to the edge” is it- from them. self a sin because it is treating lightly something that God 2. Are we drawn to the passive pleasure fantasy hates. It is totally void of the fear of the Lord, of true wor- affords us? Are we cultivating godly character that ship. When we see that attitude rise up in us, we need to moves us toward the romancing and nurturing of recognize that we have already started facing the wrong one woman in marriage, or have we retreated to direction. It is at that moment that we have a choice: will the quick fix of adolescent fantasy? Often before we turn around to redirect our worship to God and honor we can repent of pornography we must first His lordship, or will we walk by her house and choose to repent of our passivity. Some of us must learn be entertained by our idol? what Paul commanded: “know how to take a wife for yourself in holiness and honor” (1 Thess. 4:3- Pay attention to your heart 8, RSV). For married men this means we must pursue our wives. For single men this means we And now, O sons, listen to me, and be attentive must learn how to pursue a woman for marriage to the words of my mouth. Let not your heart turn (or embrace a call to singleness that Paul writes of aside to her ways (Prov. 7:24-25). in 1 Cor. 7:8-9).

Porn in the Pews • © 2010 CovenantEyes 17 3. When we find our hearts looking for an escape (see Colossians 2:20-23)—say instead, “I set or a refuge from life, we must notice it and my mind on the pleasures at God’s right hand. throw ourselves upon God as our refuge before Without Christ I would be shut out from these our hearts retreat to some false Eden. We must pleasures forever. But Christ is now my life, and come face to face with the things deep in our when He appears I will appear with Him in glory” hearts that drive us to want an escape, face our (see Colossians 3:1-4). discontentment and bring it before our Father. The good news for those ensnared by porn is this: despite 4. When we are drawn by the lure of secrecy and your sinful and messed up heart, Christ has promised a anonymity we must remember and believe with new heart to those who trust in Him. This is one of the all our hearts that God always sees us, that we great and radical promises of the New Covenant ratified live our lives before His face. We must repent by Christ, that God Himself actually writes His laws on our of the belief that we can make some part of life hearts, planting the desire to obey Him into our desires completely our own, outside of God’s sovereign (Jeremiah 31:33; Galatians 5:16-17). If you are united to control. Christ, if Christ’s Spirit is in you, this is what God has done in you. 5. When we find our hearts and minds drawn to the fantasy world where all attention is on us, where The very desire to repent is a gift of the Spirit within. It is our pride can flourish, we must actively repent His work in your heart. of that attitude and remember that God alone is worthy of that sort of attention. We also must Walk with the wise remember that when we make Him central, when we trade self-obsession for God-obsession, His My son, keep my words [...] O sons, listen to me affirmation of us as His children will satisfy us in a (Prov. 7:1,24). way no human affirmation ever can. This phrase “my son” is found many, many times in the 6. When we find our hearts drawn to the false book of Proverbs, because the whole book is an address intimacy of pornography, let us pursue real from father to son, from teacher to pupil, from master to intimacy with Christ, family, and Christian student. This adds a personal touch to the whole book. community. This may mean examining all the Proverbs is not just a classroom textbook. It is an exten- habits we have created that isolate us from others sion of Solomon himself. and making some radical changes. This may Why would Solomon write this way? It is because he knew mean cultivating that prayer life we’ve always that wisdom isn’t merely taught. It’s caught. Wisdom isn’t longed to have. This may mean getting involved something we learn in a vacuum. It is imparted to us in in church or a small group where we can know community. and be truly known. This may mean admitting our isolationism to those who are closest to us and Proverbs 13:20 says, “Whoever walks with the wise be- asking for their help. comes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm.” God’s path of maturity in the Christian life is the path of 7. When we find our hearts drawn to covetousness, discipleship. Wise character comes from walking with the drawn to the forbidden nature of pornography, we wise. This is why we need one another. We need close and must stop and recognize this for the sin that it is. wise friends who eagerly follow Christ and urge us to walk Instead of merely fighting this urge with moralism in godliness and grace. and rules, we must be captured by a better vision, a greater desire.2 Instead of merely saying to One of the elements of Solomon’s story of the naïve youth ourselves, “Don’t touch that. Don’t look at that”— that is often overlooked is this: one of his great follies is which lacks any power to restrain our indulgence that he is walking alone.

Porn in the Pews • © 2010 CovenantEyes 18 We must guard our hearts, to be sure. But we must also Some might call this finding an “Accountability Partner.” allow others to do the same for us. Solomon says in Prov- For others this means getting a “mentor.” Still, others sim- erbs 20:5, “The purpose in a man’s heart is like deep wa- ply identify this as old-fashioned discipleship. Whatever ter.” Isn’t that true? Isn’t it true that many times you have label you give it, we must experience it if we are going to no idea what your real motives are, what’s lurking deep become wise. We must learn the beauty of mutual confes- within you? But how does Solomon finish the proverb? sion of sin and fervent prayer that brings healing to our “The purpose in a man’s heart is like deep water, but a man sick hearts (James 5:16). We must learn what it means to of understanding will draw it out.” find a small community that draws near to God and, with intentionality and thoughtful words, stirs us up to live holy Solomon is telling us: Find a close, wise friend, or a group lives (Hebrews 10:24-25). And when we feel trapped in of close and wise friends who can walk alongside you and the sin of lust, we must learn the joy of being restored by help you discern what really makes you tick. Find friends others (Galatians 6:1). who know how to get beneath the surface. Find people who can really know you and how to counsel you. Our next chapter explores how to do this.

With skillful questions and probing thoughts a good friend 1. The result of this instance was the song “Hold Me, Jesus.” drops a bucket deep into our hearts and draws out ob- See http://www.youtube.com/user/marcosagostos#p/u/5/ servations about ourselves which we are afraid to admit, Py1kFQv07c4, starting at the 3:40 mark. 2. Tim Chester’s book, Closing the Window: Steps to Living Porn- even things we have never noticed before. A man of un- Free, is an excellent resource that addresses this dynamic. derstanding thinks deeper than just what you said or did. He knows how to probe beneath the surface.

Porn in the Pews • © 2010 CovenantEyes 19 Chapter 4: Brotherhood

In Greek mythology the stories of the Sirens were a fa- pray you to set me free, then bind me more tightly still.” vorite among sailors in the Mediterranean. The Sirens were divine beings: captivating and beautiful women with As Odysseus’ ship sails within an earshot of the islands, bird-like wings. These creatures perched themselves on suddenly the wind falls into a dead calm. The Sirens see a series of small islands somewhere off the coast of Italy. Odysseus coming and begin singing. “Come here,” they There they sat not too far from the rocky cliffs, resting in sing, “No one ever sailed past us without staying to hear a flowery meadow. What made the Sirens so enchanting the enchanting sweetness of our song.” Immediately Od- were their voices, their song. Ancient sources describe ysseus is caught in their spell. He is overcome by the song their “siren song”—a beautiful music that would com- and demands his men to set him free. But his men bind pulsively lure sailors toward the island, only to have their him with stronger ropes until they are out of the Sirens’ ships capsize on the rocks. range, and the trap is avoided.

There’s a famous story about the Sirens in Homer’s The The Sirens still sing today. It may not be the same for each Odyssey. Odysseus, one of the champions of the Tro- man, but make no mistake about it: we are all enticed by jan War, is making the long journey home with his band things of the world. Every man encounters temptation. of sailors. He is counseled by one of the goddesses to Your Siren might be the lure of lust, or greed, or selfish- beware of the sweetness of the siren song. She says to ness, or pride, or fear of man, or anger. We have those him, “There is a great heap of dead men’s bones lying all vices that just seem to grab at our hearts and easily en- around [the Sirens], with the flesh still rotting off them.” snare us. The question isn’t whether we encounter temp- tations. The question is whether you will face them alone. Taking her advice, Odysseus devises a plan to avoid the Odysseus needed his men for more than just manning the Siren’s trap. First he plugs the ears of all his fellow sailors ship. He needed men who were willing to help him fight with wax. Then he commands his men to bind him upright temptation, to fight sin. to the mast of the ship. He tells them further, “If I beg and

Porn in the Pews • © 2010 CovenantEyes 20 Real Friendship, Real Brotherhood “fellowship.” So instead of having a few good friends who watch our back, we end up having a hundred acquain- Who are your fellow sailors? Who’s on your boat? Who are tances who know very little about who we really are. you really living life with? Who are you close to? It is often Of course, programs aren’t in themselves the problem. a problem, especially among men, that we don’t intention- But if the programs don’t become a portal into deeper ally seek out good friendships. Often we don’t seek out friendships, we need to really evaluate their usefulness. wise counsel unless we are seeking “expert” advice. It is easier to stay on the surface with our so-called friends. Good friends aren’t just close friends, according to the proverbs. They must also be wise friends. “Whoever walks The Bible has a lot to say about real friendship or real with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools brotherhood. The word “friend” means different things to will suffer harm” (Prov. 13:20). Some of us may have some different people, especially in the Facebook culture we really close friends, but are they wise friends? Do your live in. The word “friend” in a social network world means friendships make you wiser, or do they reflect more of the “anyone who clicked the ‘accept’ button.” A friend on world’s values? Facebook can be that guy who used to sit behind me in seventh grade math class that I haven’t seen in 20 years. Remember, wisdom is moral street-smarts: it’s practical, Even outside of the online world, if you ask someone how based on the experience of generations, and fruitful. Wis- many friends they have, some might say, “Oh, I have doz- dom is not just mental discernment, it is moral skill with ens or even hundreds of friends.” mental discernment. It’s both knowing what is best and why it’s best. A wise person is someone who has the mo- But the book of proverbs offers us this warning: “A man of tivation to live rightly. many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother” (Prov. 18:24). Are these the kind of people you call close friends? This proverb says when you walk closely with these sort of Friendship is more than being a mere acquaintance. Solo- people, you will become wise. mon writes here, “A man of many companions may come to ruin.” If your friendship circle is a mile wide and an inch Let’s continue looking in the book of Proverbs. We’re go- deep, you may think you have good friendships, but you ing to list seven qualities from this book to keep in mind don’t have any true brothers. It is possible to feel all alone when it comes to being and finding a good friend. in a crowd. Isn’t this what we all want? A friend that sticks closer 1. Good brothers are dependable. than a brother? That’s a rare jewel. It is a great blessing to have those people who have been with you through all of Bad ones are fair-weather friends. life’s ebbs and flows, someone who knows how you tick, A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born someone who is there for you in good times and bad. for adversity (Prov. 17:17). This proverb really speaks to the program mentality of the A friend is one who loves. The word love here is the same church. When our sense of Christian fellowship is limited word to describe the love between Jonathan and King Da- to events, to conferences, to Sunday morning crowds, to vid (Solomon’s father): He loved David as he loved his own the quarterly prayer breakfast, we are really missing out soul (1 Samuel 20:17). This is close friendship. on something, aren’t we? Often when the church spon- sors its latest religious function, we can really build up a But a friend doesn’t just love in the fair-weather times: a false sense of security. We can feel a sort of pseudo safety friend loves at all times. A friend is dependable and loyal. in numbers. Instead of pursuing real friendship with other He’s there for you when life falls apart. In fact, Solomon men, finding men who can really know us, we think back says, this is what brotherhood was born for: times of ad- to the latest religious function we attended and call that versity. This is why God gives us good friends.

Porn in the Pews • © 2010 CovenantEyes 21 Some of us have gone through hard times...really hard. good at just never getting into discussions about And often it is in those hard times we find out who our real personal sin. They keep things on the surface and friends are. Some of us know this proverb to be true from avoid getting personal. When their friends start bitter experience. Perhaps something in your life fell apart: getting personal, they just shut up or plead the fifth. a marriage ended, you lost a job, you had a death in the family, you were physically harmed. It was at that time that »» Others play the “We” game. They might get into a a good friend stayed by your side when things were worst, conversation with their Christian brothers about a and you felt as if that friendship was born for that moment. struggle they have, and end up couching everything in “we” terms. “You know how it is when we are Isn’t this what we want in a friend? Consider this proverb: really tired or stressed out and we’re hanging out “What is desired in a man is steadfast love, and a poor online, and we see a picture of a hot girl, and we man is better than a liar” (Prov. 19:22). just sort of click on it without thinking about it? Sometimes we just don’t have our defenses up.” Solomon is saying, what people really like to see in friends That is not a confession. Instead, they should is steadfast, unfailing love. The word is hesed, and it start their sentences with “I.” “I have a problem.” means “radical loyalty.” It is the same loyalty that God is “I shouldn’t do that.” “I was wrong.” “I sinned said to have for his people: His steadfast love endures when...” forever. When he says a poor man is better than a liar, he’s saying even a faithful friend who has nothing is better than »» Some men keep their confessions at surface level. a man of wealth who says he’s faithful and then turns his They tell someone just enough to soothe their back on you. consciences, but edit themselves.

This is what people want in a friend: someone who reflects »» Some confess their sin to others but play the God’s character of loyalty, someone who sticks with you. elapsed-time-game. They do something they know is wrong and want to confess it to someone, but they make sure to put a good week or so between 2. Good brothers are honest about the sin and the confession. That way, they can their sin. Bad brothers hide it. build up a nice track record of behavior beforehand so their sin seems somehow less significant. Whoever conceals his transgressions will not »» Some people are really sly: they play musical prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes chairs with their accountability partners. They have them will obtain mercy (Prov. 28:13). more than one person they confess their junk to, so Friends confess sin to each other. Friends are accountable no one person really has the whole picture of how to one another. bad they are. They rotate through accountability partners, treating people like confessional booths. Accountability is a buzzword in the Christian community, especially among men. But in order to do accountability These games are deception—they’re lying. It’s caring well, we need to know what it is. more about personal image than honesty.

Here’s a good definition of accountability: Accountability Are you willing to crucify your image to go deeper with is being honest with trusted friends about our tempta- your friendships? Are you willing to give and receive hon- tions, our sins, and the state of our heart. est confessions? Are you willing to pursue brother-to- brother accountability? There are all kinds of games guys play when it comes to avoiding real confession: At Covenant Eyes we hear hundreds of stories from men who have experienced this sort of freedom in confession »» For some it’s sheer avoidance. Some men are really as they use our Accountability service. These guys have

Porn in the Pews • © 2010 CovenantEyes 22 the Covenant Eyes program on every computer or hand- in the know, who like to be up on what’s happening in held device they own, and on a weekly basis a good friend your life, who like to talk to others about everyone else’s or a group of friends receives their Accountability Report business. Some people just want to be close to you to be of everywhere they’ve been online. As you can imagine, close to information about you. it totally changes the way they use the Web. They think twice about everywhere they visit, every link they click on. Confidentiality is vital for true brothers. It is so important, More than this, when they do go to a questionable web- it should be a stated agreement between you and your site they’ve already put the measure in place for honesty: brother: we will not share private information with anyone there’s no getting around it. When their partner gets a re- else. port that says at 2:37 on Tuesday morning they looked For some people, this is the biggest hang-up for getting up “Sexy girls” on Google, there’s no room for ambiguity. close to someone else. Maybe they’ve been burned in the They can use this report to begin having an honest con- past. Maybe someone they know has been burned. They versation. just don’t know if they can trust anyone.

Remember what Paul Let me affirm your suspicions: Yes, people are sinful. Yes, We drag our sin into said, “Each of us will people can let you down. Yes, you can unwisely give your give an account of him- the light before a safe trust to someone who breaks it. But the critical question is self to God” (Romans whether you trust Christ as you pursue deep friendships. brother because we 14:12), Christians in- Say to yourself, “Despite my fears, I choose to believe know that someday all cluded. Some day we that God has placed me into a redeemed family, called the of it will be exposed will stand before the church, among people who are being changed from the to the light anyway. One whose eyes are inside out, and as I pray for discernment, God will guide like fire, who sees ev- me into relationships with brothers with whom I can be erything inside us, and completely honest.” we can’t cloak our sin in front of Him. Granted, if we are united with Christ we will enter into the full blessings of eternal life, but we will give 4. Good brothers lovingly an account all the same. And right now, brother-to-brother confront. Bad brothers are accountability is like a dress rehearsal for that great Day. We drag our sin into the light before a safe brother be- spiritual wimps. cause we know that someday all of it will be exposed to the light anyway. Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy (Prov. 27:6). 3. Good brothers are confidential. We must avoid the extreme of wimpy accountability. You may have had accountability relationships like this. You Bad brothers are gossips. get together and confess your latest blunder. Your friend All things being said about confession, we need brothers confesses his sin too. You pat each other on the back, say we can depend on, brothers who will be confidential with everything will be okay, and go home just as unmotivated the information we give them. as before to really do something about your sin. You get back together the next week with the same sad story.

A dishonest man spreads strife, and a whisperer In these sorts of friendships all we’re looking for is absolu- separates close friends (Prov. 16:28). tion. We just want to commiserate with someone over our Don’t be close friends with a gossip. In 1 Tim. 5:13 these sin and get something off our chest. We just want to have people are called busybodies, people who just like to be someone tell us our sins are forgiven.

Porn in the Pews • © 2010 CovenantEyes 23 Now, it isn’t a bad thing to want an affirming word. We Listen to this story from Nate Larkin’s book, Samson and should be reminding one another of the grace of Christ the Pirate Monks (p.187): and His forgiveness. But a good brother wisely knows that we don’t need cheap peace. You’ve probably seen that poor fellow who decided one day to be honest in a Christian A wise brother confronts our sin. “Faithful are the wounds meeting. Maybe he’d been caught in a sin, so he of a friend.” When a friend wounds your pride, it’s not in- really had nothing left to lose, or perhaps he was tended to harm you, but to heal you. When you need a so plagued by guilt that he decided to take the new heart, you don’t need a pharmacist to give you pain church’s rhetoric about grace and forgiveness at medication that masks the problem; you need a heart sur- face value and bare his soul in a desperate bid for geon to cut you open. Does being rebuked hurt? You bet. freedom. But it’s a good wound.

Remember this proverb: “Iron sharpens iron, and one man I remember a guy who did that. As soon as the sharpens another” (Prov. 27:17). How does iron sharpen fateful words were uttered he looked around, iron? With friction. Sparks might fly. But in the end, the hoping somebody would say, “Me too,” but all blade is sharper. Real friends are willing to risk some fric- he heard were crickets. After a pause, a curious tion with you because they love you more than winning investigator launched into spiritual cross- a popularity contest. They don’t shy away from the hard examination. Then a few concerned “ex-sinners” conversation. They wisely know how to confront a sin they gathered around him and preached a series of see in your life without condemning you. A wise friend ex- sermons disguised as prayers. Finally, a helpful pects change in your life, in your character. brother prescribed three Scripture verses to be taken in the morning and at bedtime. Later, the C.S. Lewis said, “You will not find the warrior, the poet, the guy was assigned a probation officer—excuse philosopher or the Christian by staring in his eyes as if he me, an “accountability partner”—who would were your mistress: better fight beside him, read with him, check in on him for a few weeks to make sure he argue with him, pray with him.” We need to be brothers had actually turned around. [...] who fight sin together. To make matters worse, as he left the meeting That being said... that poor guy was struck by the realization that he had just volunteered to become the church’s 5. Good brothers know when to new topic of conversation. Suddenly he knew that telephone lines were already humming with cut you slack. Bad brothers have a the latest “prayer request.” Next Sunday, his “cop mentality.” suspicions were confirmed. The sidelong glances, the awkward silences, the careful distances kept Whoever covers an offense seeks love, but he by his former associates, their wives, and others, who repeats a matter separates close friends verified that his disclosure was now common (Prov. 17:9). currency in the congregation.

True friends know how to pick their battles. Sometimes This men’s group did not understand the meaning of the you just have to let stuff go. Sometimes accountability words, “Whoever covers an offense seeks love.” Some- partners can bring a cop mentality into their friendships. times love is better served by silence. Sometimes what we They are nit-picky. Like this proverb says, they repeat your need is empathy, not a sermon. sins back to you over and over. They don’t let stuff go. A cop is someone who is just looking over your shoulder They point out every little thing they see that’s wrong with for you to screw up. We don’t need any more account- you. It seems like they are out to get you.

Porn in the Pews • © 2010 CovenantEyes 24 ability cops in the church. We have come up with very We don’t need a wimp; we need someone who lovingly religious and sanitized ways of being a jerk to someone. confronts us in our sin. But a real friend isn’t someone who merely polices your life. Good accountability partners are fellow travelers, not We don’t need a legalistic cop; we need someone who is cops. A real friend is someone who gets in the vehicle with compassionate and patient. you, helps you drive in the lines, travels with you in life in And we also don’t need good times and bad, helps you look out for the potholes, an eternal optimist; we A real brother wants helps you read the road signs, and helps you get to where need a realist. A realist us to be good, not just you are going. is someone who knows feel good. A good friend learns how to balance both confrontation there is more to life than and compassion, persistence and patience. just feeling good. If feel- ing good is all we need, then foolish optimism is the best medicine. But a real brother wants us to be good, not just 6. Good brothers are realists. Bad feel good. He doesn’t want to put a colorful Band-Aid over brothers are foolishly cheery. an open wound. Instead he wants to help you dress it. This leads to the last point . . . Whoever sings songs to a heavy heart is like one who takes off a garment on a cold day, and like vinegar on soda (Prov. 25:20). 7. Good brothers focus on your

This proverb is talking about the overly cheery friend. It heart. Bad brothers see only the likens this kind of person to taking off a garment on a cold surface. day, stripping you of the kind of warmth you need. It lik- ens this person to mixing vinegar with washing soda: it The purpose in a man’s heart is like deep wa- neutralizes it, making it basically useless. You know these ter, but a man of understanding will draw it out sorts of friends: (Prov. 20:5).

»» It could be the look-on-the-bright-side guy. You tell As we mentioned in our last chapter, this proverb speaks him you’ve just lost your job and he says, “Well, at of the depths of the human heart. Why do we do what we least you have your health.” Thanks. do? What really motivates us deep down? Why are we tempted by this thing or that? What makes a sin so at- »» It could be the class-clown guy. There’s not a tractive? Where does our anger comes from? Our fears? serious moment with him. You tell him something Our cravings? Our hearts are like deep water. Look all you serious and he cracks a joke in the name of good want, you cannot see the bottom. fun. But a man of understanding is someone who helps you »» It could be the super-spiritual guy. Confess some discern the motives of your heart. A man of understanding struggle you’re having and all he can say is, “Well, thinks deeper than just what you said or did. He knows praise God in all circumstances.” Again, thanks. how to probe beneath the surface. He not only seeks Of course, good friends don’t want others to stay in the God’s wisdom, he seeks to know you. muck of depression, but this proverb is about the superfi- What is a “man of understanding” like? The book of Prov- cial, sing-songy friend who glosses over your heavy heart. erbs says we identify these friends by how they live. A We’ve talked about the wimpy accountability partner and man of understanding: the legalistic accountability partner; this is the cheery ac- countability partner.

Porn in the Pews • © 2010 CovenantEyes 25 »» Knows when he lacks wisdom. He seeks dreams, confessing your sin, confronting one understanding diligently (Prov. 2:3). another, and encouraging one another at the heart level. »» Doesn’t slander, deride, or use rash words. He knows how to hold his tongue (Prov. 11:12; 17:27). Where do you start? As you are building these sorts of friendships, remember real friendship is born out of a mu- »» Doesn’t find humor in the things God calls folly. He tual interest. If you make friendship your focus, you’ll nev- finds pleasure in wise living (Prov. 10:23; 15:21). er find it. But if you and another person pursue a common goal, friendship may be the result. In his book, The Four »» Is patient, not quick-tempered (Prov. 14:29). Loves, C.S. Lewis said this is one of the differences be- These sorts of friendships aren’t built overnight. You don’t tween the love friends share and the love married couples meet someone today who can discern the motives of your share. Lovers are normally face to face, absorbed in each heart tomorrow. But this is the goal we need to strive to- other. Friends are side by side, absorbed in a common wards: to be brothers who know one another so well that interest. They share the same enthusiasm for something, we become men of understanding to each other. a hobby, a topic, or a cause.

We need to start small and work up. Experience shows We need to be intentional about pursuing the best kind that every friendship goes through different levels of com- friendships. We need to be intentional about getting to- munication. gether, talking together, and getting to know one another. This means that outside of pursuing your common inter- 1. It starts with cliché communication. “How are est, it may be helpful to get together regularly, just to talk. you?” “I’m fine.” “How’s the weather.” For discussion purposes, start with what you are learning in this book. Go through these proverbs and talk about 2. It moves to fact communication. This is what it might look like to be closer, wiser friends. information about things going on in our lives or in the world. It’s more than cliché comments, but it Doing so will help us become men of understanding who also doesn’t involve deep thinking or feeling. “The are able to dive deeper into one another’s hearts. stock market climbed this week.” “I heard Bob was sick.” “The game is this Saturday.” “I have a wife and two kids.” A Practical Example

3. Then it moves to belief communication. This is Here’s an example of this from someone who uses our where you start talking about opinions. “I agree Accountability service: with you.” “I loved that movie.” “I think abortion is wrong.” These are your commentaries. This may The other day I received a Covenant Eyes report be where friction is first experienced as differences for one of my brothers and it looked as though of opinion arise. he had visited a site, based on the name listed in the report, which was pornographic. He insisted 4. Then it moves to feeling communication. This he had not visited any porn sites that week, so I is where we start showing each other emotion. A checked the site. In truth it was not pornographic; belief statement might be: “I’m really struggling rather it was a site mainly targeted toward women in this area.” A feeling statement might be: “I’m which had articles about relationships. really struggling and feel so depressed right now.” This is the stage where the walls come down. I breathed a sigh of relief, but rather than simply move on, I asked him about the articles he had 5. Finally, there is transparency. This is when read. What resulted was a really good conversation you’ve built up a habit of communication and about the loneliness in his heart, about wanting you establish a routine of regularly sharing your a quality relationship with a woman, and an

Porn in the Pews • © 2010 CovenantEyes 26 admission that he sometimes struggles to “stay But Jason had brought aboard his ship the legendary Or- in the fight.” We were able to talk about feeling pheus. Orpheus was a man known throughout the world empty and being made complete in Christ. He for his gift of music, his ability to play the stringed lyre. As was able see that, while technically not lust, his the story goes, the men began to be overcome with the reading of those articles was connected to his sound of the Siren’s voice, but Orpheus pulled out his lyre efforts to find acceptance, approval, significance and played a melody that filled the sailor’s ears, “and the and even completion in a woman. lyre overcame the maidens’ voice.” Orpheus’ song over- came the spell, and disaster was averted. Addressing those deeper longings got us to the root of what has fueled his porn indulgence over How did Odysseus deal with temptation? He had friends the years, as well as his general desire to have a around him who were willing to bind him with stronger woman in his life as a means of personal security. ropes. When we have these sorts of friends this is a great blessing. It’s great to have those friends who can help It was all below the waterline just waiting to be us change our behavior. But the Bible speaks of a sort discovered. That conversation was a moment of of fellowship that is better. How did Jason deal with the real significance, full of the potential for change. temptation? How did he defeat the spell of the Sirens? He It happened because the best accountability is knew the only way to fight a spell is with a greater spell. conversational. He didn’t look for stronger ropes. He brought along a more enchanting song. Wouldn’t it be wonderful to be and have those sorts of friends? This is the sort of change the Bible promises us: not just changing our behavior, but actually changing our hearts. The gospel offers us better promises than the false prom- Your Sailing Companions ises of sin. It is those better promises that captivate our hearts, put us under a new spell. As C.S. Lewis wrote, We started with the story of Odysseus, but there’s another “[R]emember your fairy tales. Spells are used for breaking famous story about the Sirens. This comes from the story enchantments as well as for inducing them. And you and I of Jason and the Argonauts. The captain, Jason, was have need of the strongest spell that can be found to wake warned about the Sirens beforehand, so he prepared him- us from the evil enchantment of worldliness.” That stron- self and his shipmates for the encounter. As they sailed ger spell is the wonder and majesty of Christ. And when along, a fresh breeze suddenly began to blow, and they we have gospel-centered friends, they are able to not just saw the island. The Sirens spotted Jason’s ship and be- get us to change our behavior, they are able to point us to gan to sing with their seductive voices. The sailors were the One who is more satisfying than sin. overcome with desire and were ready to cast their ropes from the boat to the shore.

Porn in the Pews • © 2010 CovenantEyes 27 Appendix A: Pornography Statistics

Statistics can be very compelling if used properly. Below card receipts from a top adult entertainment seller over a are some statistics that can be used in a sermon or pre- period of two years. This reflected people paying for sub- sentation to your church or ministry. scriptions to pornographic websites. There were higher percentages of subscriptions in zip codes that…

Porn is Big Business »» Have experienced an increase in higher than average household income. In 2006, the president of the Adult Video Network said the industry as a whole was bringing in about $13 billion per »» Have greater density of young people (ages 15-24). year.1 If you compare that to total gross income for Hol- lywood movies, that’s over twice as much as the top 60 »» Have higher measures of “social capital” (i.e. more movies from 2006. That year alone about 7,000 new adult people that donate blood, engage in volunteer movies were released on DVD.2 activities, participate in community projects, etc.).

»» Have enacted conservative legislation on sexuality Internet Pornography (such as “defense of marriage” amendments) or have conservative positions on religion and gender In 2004 there were about 1.6 million porn sites, 17 times roles. greater than just four years before.3 Who knows how many there are today? There were no statistical increases or decreases in porn subscriptions based on voting for the 2004 presidential A large portion of pornography profits come from sales on elections or regions where people regularly attend reli- the Internet. Online porn generates about $3 billion every gious services.9 year.4 In 2009, the Free Speech Coalition said, “The adult Internet is the fastest expanding segment of the U.S. adult entertainment market.”5 Pornography’s Impact on Marriage

In 2002, the Frontline documentary “American Porn” inter- The American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers (divorce viewed both Larry Flynt, founder of Hustler Magazine, and lawyers) reported salient factors present in divorce cases Danni Ashe, a former stripper and owner of a multi-million today.10 dollar porn franchise (and then-holder of the Guinness World Record for most downloaded woman on the Web). »» 68% of the divorces involved one party meeting a Both Flynt and Ashe credit the 1990s explosion of adult new lover over the Internet. material to the ease of viewing and ordering porn from the »» 56% involved one party having “an obsessive Internet.6 interest in pornographic websites.” According to Kirk Doran, Assistant Professor in the De- »» 47% involved spending excessive time on the partment of Economics at the University of Notre Dame, computer. an estimated 80 to 90% of those who visit pornographic websites only access the free material.7 »» 33% involved excessive time spent in online chat rooms. According to a survey published in the Journal of the American Psychological Association, 86% of men are According to the Journal of Adolescent Health, prolonged likely to click on Internet sex sites if given the opportunity.8 exposure to pornography leads to:

There was an interesting study released in The Journal of »» An exaggerated perception of sexual activity in Economic Perspectives, where someone looked at credit society.

Porn in the Pews • © 2010 CovenantEyes 28 »» Diminished trust between intimate couples. »» Increased risk for developing sexual compulsions and addictive behavior. »» The abandonment of the hope of sexual monogamy. »» An inability to contextualize incorrect information »» Belief that promiscuity is the natural state. about human sexuality as an adult brain would. » Belief that abstinence and sexual inactivity are » »» Overestimating the prevalence of less common unhealthy. practices (e.g., group sex, bestiality, or sadomaso- 15 »» Cynicism about love or the need for affection chistic activity). between sexual partners. Pornography’s Impact on Work »» Belief that marriage is sexually confining. 70% of Internet porn traffic occurs between 9 a.m. and 5 »» Lack of attraction to family and child-raising.11 p.m., when most people are at work.16 Many wives of porn users develop deep psychological Half of Fortune 500 companies have dealt with at least wounds, reporting feelings of betrayal, loss, depression, one incident related to computer porn over a 12-month mistrust, devastation, anger, and sexual inadequacy. period. Offenders were fired in 44% of the incidents and More than half of those engaged in cybersex lose interest disciplined in 41% of the cases.17 in sexual intercourse, and one-third of their partners lose interest as well.12 In 2009, the agency inspector of the National Science Foundation (NSF) had to shift his primary focus from grant fraud to finding out who was using government comput- Pornography’s Impact on Teens ers to search for porn.18 According to a study cited in the Washington Post, more than 11 million teenagers view Internet pornography on a »» Deputy Inspector General Tim Cross said, “We regular basis.13 were consumed with a lot of these cases.”

In a survey of college students, 82% of men said they had »» One senior executive spent at least 331 days been exposed to pornography by age 14. In the same sur- looking at pornography and chatting online with vey that included the opinions of 11,000 college females, partially clad or nude women (his “humanitarian” 52 percent of the women said they had been exposed to defense was that he frequented the porn sites to pornography by age 14.14 provide a living to the poor overseas women); this cost taxpayers anywhere from $13,800 to $58,000. When a child or adolescent is directly exposed to pornog- raphy the following effects have been documented: »» One worker perused hundreds of pornographic websites during work hours in a three-week time »» Lasting negative or traumatic emotional responses. frame in June 2008; that employee received a 10- day suspension. »» Earlier onset of first sexual intercourse, thereby increasing the risk of STDs over the lifespan. »» Another employee was caught with hundreds of pictures, videos and even PowerPoint slide shows »» The belief that superior sexual satisfaction is containing pornography. attainable without having affection for one’s partner, thereby reinforcing the commoditization of »» Another employee stored nude images of herself sex and the objectification of humans. on her computer. In 2010, an internal investigation of the Securities and »» The belief that being married or having a family are Exchange Commission (SEC) found 31 serious offenders unattractive prospects.

Porn in the Pews • © 2010 CovenantEyes 29 over the past two and a half years, 17 of which were se- connect these dots, because not only is it not nior officers with 6-figure salaries.19 Most of these cases obvious at times, but also we create, I think in our began in 2008, around the time the financial engines of the own minds and socially, distinctions between these U.S. economy started to fail. various things I just mentioned. And ultimately, it’s my belief that these are false distinctions. These are false distinctions between pornography, Pornography is Prostitution prostitution, stripping, and trafficking. Because Noel Bouché, Vice President of the pureHOPE, said in an they all fall under this umbrella of commercial sex. interview: These are all forms of commercial sex, which is essentially [...] the commodifying of sex and the Pornography is not about sex, broadly. If you person performing it, packaging it, and selling it. look at the etymology of the word, “pornography” Shelley Lubben, founder of the Pink Cross Foundation, comes from the Greek pornographos, which reports: is “writings about prostitutes.” So when we’re talking about pornography, we’re talking about a »» Only 17% of performers use condoms in very specific form of sex—indeed, illicit sex, and heterosexual adult films; in 2004, only two of a type of sex that is illegal throughout most of the the 200 adult film companies required the use of world. It’s the prostitution of human beings [...] condoms. And so I think, when we’re talking about changing the dialogue and helping people understand »» Dr. Sharon Mitchell confirms the STD prevalence what they’re actually participating in when they’re in an interview with Court TV, in which she states: looking at images on a screen and consuming this 66% of porn performers have Herpes, 12-28% material: they are consuming prostitution. They’re have other sexually transmitted diseases, and 7% consuming the prostituting of that young person have HIV. that’s performing. They’re consuming what is »» Porn actress Erin Moore admits, “the drugs we inherently an exploitative act. [...] binged on were Ecstasy, Cocaine, Marijuana, Xanax, Valium, Vicodin and alcohol.” You’ll see a situation like a Jenna Jamison or some of the porn stars that are really thrown into »» Tanya Burleson, formerly known as Jersey Jaxin, our face that are everywhere: they have memoirs, says, “Guys are punching you in the face. You they’re on cable television, and they’re doing this get ripped. Your insides can come out of you. It’s all with a smile. But behind the scenes you’ve got never ending. You’re viewed as an object—not as a thousands of women who are lasting perhaps 18 human with a spirit. People do drugs because they months—that’s the average length for a woman can’t deal with the way they’re being treated.”20 in the porn industry—18 months before they fall out, before they’re so broken, before they’re so In 2004, Dr. Mary Anne Layden reported before a Senate traumatized that they can’t do it any longer. [...] subcommittee: Sex trafficking, prostitution, stripping, porn- Once [the pornography actresses] are in the ography—these things exist because there’s industry they have high rates of substance demand for them, because society is demanding abuse, typically alcohol and cocaine, depression, this product, is demanding sexually explicit, borderline personality disorder. [...] The experience pornographic material. It’s demanding a sexual I find most common among the performers is outlet that is fed by these various services. And that they have to be drunk, high or dissociated I think it’s important to step back from that and in order to go to work. Their work environment is

Porn in the Pews • © 2010 CovenantEyes 30 particularly toxic. [...] The terrible work life of the 1. David Cay Johnston. “Indications of a Slowdown in the Sex Entertainment Trade.” New York Times, Jan. 4, 2007. http://www. pornography performer is often followed by an nytimes.com/2007/01/04/business/media/04porn.html (accessed equally terrible home life. They have an increased Sept. 19, 2010). 2. Matt Richtel. “In Raw World of Sex Movies, High Definition Could risk of sexually transmitted disease including Be a View Too Real.” New York Times, Jan. 22, 2007. W http:// HIV, domestic violence and have about a 25% www.nytimes.com/2007/01/22/business/media/22porn.html?_r=1 chance of making a marriage that lasts as long (accessed Sept. 19, 2010). 3. Jennifer Davies and David Washburn. “San Diego’s Adult as 3 years.21 Entertainment goes Uptown, Upscale and Online (first of two parts).” SignOnSanDiego.com, Oct. 18, 2004. http://justfixit. uniontrib.com/news/metro/20041018-9999-lz1n18adult.html (accessed Sept. 19, 2010). Pornography and the Church 4. Jon Mooallem. “A Disciplined Business.” New York Times, April 29, 2007. http://www.nytimes.com/2007/04/29/magazine/29kink.t.html In 1994, a survey showed 91% of men raised in Chris- (accessed Sept. 19, 2010). tian homes were exposed to pornography while growing 5. Free Speech Coalition. 23 Nov. 2009. http://www.docstoc.com/ docs/6117965/Free-Speech-Coalition-WHITE-PAPER-A-Report- up (compared to 98% of those not raised in a Christian on-the 2006 (accessed Sept. 19, 2010). home).22 6. Frontline. Intro. to “American Porn,” 7 February 2002. http://www. pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/shows/porn/etc/synopsis.html (accessed Sept. 19, 2010). In March 2005 Christianity Today published the results of 7. Kirk Doran. “The Economics of Pornography.” Presented at a study called “Christians and Sex” in their Leadership “Social Costs of Pornography,” Princeton Univ., 11-13 Dec. 2008. Witherspoon Institute. Journal. Out of 680 pastors surveyed, 57% said addiction 8. Mark Kastleman. The Drug of the New Millennium, 2001, Granite to pornography is the most sexually damaging issue to Pub. Co., Columbus, NC their congregation.23 9. Benjamin Edleman. “Red Light States: Who Buys Online Adult Entertainment?” Journal of Economic Perspectives Vol. 23, Num. 1, Winter 2009, 209-220. In August 2006, a survey reported 50% of all Christian 10. Patrick F. Fagan. “The Effects of Pornography on Individuals, men and 20% of all Christian women are addicted to por- Marriage, Family and Community.” Studies in Catholic Higher nography. 60% of the women who answered the survey Education, Dec. 2009. http://www.scribd.com/doc/23930556/ The-Effects-of-Pornography-on-Individuals-Marriage-Family-and- admitted to having significant struggles with lust; 40% Community (accessed Sept. 19, 2010). admitted to being involved in sexual sin in the past year.24 11. Dolf Zillmann. “Influence of Unrestrained Access to Erotica on Adolescents’ and Young Adults’ Dispositions toward Sexuality.” In 2002, of 1,351 pastors surveyed, 54% said they had Journal of Adolescent Health, Vol. 27, Iss. 2, Supp. 1, pgs. 41-44), Aug. 2000. viewed Internet pornography within the last year, and 30% 12. Jennifer P. Schneider. “Effects of Cybersex Addiction on the of these had visited within the last 30 days.25 Family: Results of a Survey,” Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity 7, 2000, Pgs. 31-58. http://www.jenniferschneider.com/articles/

26 cybersex_family.html (accessed Sept. 19, 2010). In 2003, Today’s Christian Woman reported: 13. Ed Vitagliano. “Caught! Online Porn, Predators Threaten Children, Teens.” American Family Association Journal, Jan. 2007. http:// www.afajournal.org/2007/january/0107caught.asp (accessed Sept. »» 34% of female readers of Today’s Christian 19, 2010). Woman’s online newsletter admitted to intentionally 14. Michael Leahy. Porn University: What College Students Are Really accessing Internet porn. Saying About Sex on Campus. 2009, Northfield Pub., Chicago. 15. Jill Manning. Testimony: U.S Senate Committee on the Judiciary, Nov. 10 2005. “Why the Government Should Care about »» According to a Zogby International survey, 17% Pornography.” http://judiciary.senate.gov/hearings/testimony.cfm? of the female population are regular users of renderforprint=1&id=1674&wit_id=4826 (accessed Sept. 19, 2010) 16. Eric Retzlaff. National Coalition Sex Statistics. Family Guardian pornography. Fellowship, June 13, 1999. http://www.famguardian.org/Subjects/ SexualImmorality/Articles/SexStatistics.htm (accessed Sept. 19, 2010). 17. Gloria McDonough-Taub. “Porn at Work: Recognizing a Sex Addict.” cnbc.com, July 16, 2009. http://www.cnbc.com/ id/31922685 (accessed Sept. 19, 2010). 18. Jim McElhatton. “Exclusive: Porn Surfing Rampant at U.S. Science Foundation.” Washington Times, Sept. 29, 2009. http://www. washingtontimes.com/news/2009/sep/29/workers-porn-surfing- rampant-at-federal-agency/ (accessed Sept. 19, 2010).

Porn in the Pews • © 2010 CovenantEyes 31 19. Summary of Pornography-Related Investigations Conducted by the Securities and Exchange Commission Office of Inspector General. http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/politics/ documents/SECPornSummary.pdf (accessed Sept. 19, 2010). 20. Shelly Lubben. “Ex-Porn Star Tells the Truth About the Porn Industry.” Weblog Breaking Free, Oct. 28, 2008. http://www. covenanteyes.com/blog/2008/10/28/ex-porn-star-tells-the-truth- about-the-porn-industry/ (accessed Sept. 19, 2010). 21. Mary Anne Layden. “The Science Behind Pornography Addiction,” 18 Nov. 2004. Reported in U.S Senate Hearings: U. S. Senate Committee on Commerce, Science & Transportation. 22. Archibald D. Hart. “The Hart Report,” The Sexual Man, Word Publishing, Dallas. 23. Christianity Today. “Christians & Sex.” Qtd. in “A Few Scary Thoughts…” SafetyNet Content Filtering, McG Technologies. Dec. 2009. 24. ChristiaNet, Inc. “ChristiaNet Poll Finds that Evangelicals are Addicted to Porn.” Marketwire, Aug. 7, 2006. http://www. marketwire.com/press-release/Christianet-Inc-703951.html (accessed Sept. 19, 2010). 25. “Wounded Clergy.” Hope & Freedom Counseling Services, Media A-Team, Inc., March 2002. http://www.hopeandfreedom.com/ hidden-pages/private/wounded-clergy.html (accessed Sept. 19, 2010). 26. “Dirty Girls.” Conversational Theology. June 19, 2009. http:// conversationaltheology.wordpress.com/2009/06/19/dirty-girls/ (accessed Sept. 19, 2010).

Porn in the Pews • © 2010 CovenantEyes 32 Appendix B: Resources

Books »» Shattered Vows: Hope and Healing for Women Who Have Been Sexually Betrayed, Debra Laaser Men Struggling with Porn »» When His Secret Sin Breaks Your Heart, Kathy Gallagher »» Closing the Window, Tim Chester Marriage and Sexuality »» The Game Plan, Joe Dallas »» I Surrender All: Rebuilding a Marriage Broken by »» Porn Again Christian, Mark Driscoll (free e-book) Pornography, Clay and Renee Crosse »» The Purity Principle: God’s Safeguards for Dangerous »» L.I.F.E. Guide for Spouses, Richard Blankenship Trails, Randy Alcorn »» Sacred Marriage, Gary Thomas »» Samson and the Pirate Monks, Nate Larkin »» Sacred Sex: A Spiritual Celebration of Oneness in »» Sex Isn’t the Problem (Lust Is), Joshua Harris Marriage, Tim Alan Gardner »» Sexual Detox: The E-Book, Tim Challies (free e-book) »» Sex and the Supremacy of Christ, edited by John »» When Good Men Are Tempted, Bill Perkins Piper and Justin Taylor

»» Wired for Intimacy: How Pornography Hijacks the »» Truth About Sex, Kay Arthur, Male Brain, William Struthers »» When Sinners Say, “I Do,” Dave Harvey

Women Struggling with Porn Addiction »» L.I.F.E. Guide for Women, Marnie Ferree, »» At the Altar of Sexual Idolatry, Steve Gallagher, »» Real Sex: the Naked Truth About Chastity, Lauren »» Crossroads: A Step-by-Step Guide Away from Winner Addiction, Edward Welch »» Sex Isn’t the Problem (Lust Is) – A Study Guide for »» Faithful and True, Mark Laaser Women, Joshua Harris »» False Intimacy: Understanding the Struggle of Wives Sexual Addiction, Harry Schaumburg

»» Every Heart Restored: A Wife’s Guide to Healing »» Strength in Weakness, Andrew Comiskey in the Wake of a Husband’s Sexual Sin, Stephen »» Undefiled: Remption from Sexual Sin, Restoration Arterburn, Fred Stoeker, and Brenda Stoeker for Broken Relationships, Harry Schaumburg »» Hope After Betrayal: Healing When Sexual Addiction Invades Your Marriage, Meg Wilson Building Small Group Life

»» L.I.F.E. Guide for Spouses, Melissa Haas »» Fight Clubs: Gospel-Centered Discipleship, Jon- athan Dodson »» Reclaiming Stolen Intimacy: When Your Marriage is Invaded by Pornography, Clay and Renee Crosse »» Why Small Groups?, C.J. Mahaney (free e-book)

Porn in the Pews • © 2010 CovenantEyes 33 Parents Ministries »» Age of Opportunity: A Biblical Guide to Parenting »» Brave Hearts – Michael Leahy, founder of Brave Teens, Paul David Trip Hearts, is a former porn addict with a powerful »» Disconnected: Parenting Teens in a MySpace story, which he’s told at more than 150 college World, Chap and Dee Clark campuses, countless churches, ABC’s 20/20, Good Morning America, The View, and other »» Preparing Your Daughter for Every Woman’s television appearances. His presentations offer a Battle: Creative Conversations About Sexual and stark picture of our hyper-sexualized media and Emotional Integrity, Shannon Ethridge culture and how it is hurting us. Brave Hearts also offers telegroups for parents, pastors, spouses, »» Preparing Your Son for Every Man’s Battle: Honest and addicts. Conversations About Sexual Integrity, Stephen Arterburn, Fred Stoeker, and Mike Yorkey »» Faithful and True Ministries – Mark Laaser is one of the leading experts in the area of sex addiction. »» Virtual Integrity: Faithfully Navigating the Brave His ministry offers a host of therapy groups, New Web, Dan Lohrmann individual and couples counseling, workshops, and training opportunities. Pornography and Culture »» Harvest USA – This ministry has been around for a »» Pornified: How Pornography is Transforming Our quarter of a century and has dealt with a variety of Lives, Our Relationships, and Our Families, Pamela sexual brokenness issues in the church. In addition Paul to many educational resources, their team is also available for special seminars at your church. »» Porn Nation: Conquering America’s #1 Addiction, Michael Leahy »» Pink Cross Foundation – This ministry was started by ex-porn star Shelley Lubben. She DVDs reaches out to the women still trapped in the sex industry. Because of her personal experiences in »» DVD ToolKits from FreedomBeginsHere.org: the industry, she offers a unique message about the behind-the-scenes world of porn. Her message »» Personal ToolKit will strip away the illusions created by pornography »» Father+Son: Talk About Sex in a way you’ve never heard. NOTE: Stories, photos, and videos on ThePinkCross.org may not »» Counselor ToolKit be suitable for all audiences. Viewer discretion is »» Church ToolKit advised.

»» Accountability Pack »» Pure Desire Ministries – The ministry of Pure Desire equips churches to create the kind of communities »» Somebody’s Daughter: A Journey to Freedom needed to help those caught in destructive porn From Pornography, Music for the Soul addiction. Their resources include books and DVD training seminars. »» Traffic Control: The People’s War on Internet Porn, CP80 Foundation »» Pure Intimacy – This ministry by Focus on the Family offers free articles on sexuality and marriage. »» Willful Entrapment, Fire Trigger, Inc.

Porn in the Pews • © 2010 CovenantEyes 34 »» Stone Gate Resources – Stone Gate offers an Helpful Technology eight-day, intensive, live-in program that helps those trapped in sexual addiction. Stone Gate is »» Covenant Eyes Accountability and Filtering located in a rural area just 20 miles north of Colorado Services – Encourage individuals, couples, Springs. Dr. Harry Schaumburg’s program includes and families to experience the way Internet private biblical counseling, interactive seminars, accountability changes the way you use the lectures, and guided study. Internet. Monitor where you kids go online. Be »» Weekend to Remember – Each year the ministry accountable to a trusted friend about where you of Family Life puts on about 150 Weekend to go and what you see online. Many churches have Remember conferences all over the country to taken a stand against porn by offering Covenant teach God’s design for marriage and family. The Eyes to any member in their church who needs it. environment is generally fun and non-threatening. »» CleanHotels.com – For those who feel especially It offers couples a chance to get away, to refresh tempted all alone on the road, book a hotel that good marriages or heal troubled ones. does not offer adult TV programming. »» White Collar Sideshow – This traveling road »» ClearPlay DVD Player – This innovative DVD show is a mixed bag of sights and sounds all player actually filters normal DVDs for objectionable geared to spread a message about how to fight content in real time. You choose what you want pornography addiction through honesty and filtered from the movie, such as sensual content, accountability. They look sort of like Blue Man crude sexual content, nudity, explicit sexual Group meets Rob Zombie meets a 1930s illusionist situations, as well as filters for ranges of violence, act. Creative live percussion is combined with language, and drug use. powerfully artistic video images to show the cycle of porn addiction. Visit http://www.myspace.com/ whitecollarsideshow for more information about how to book them. Ideal for youth events.

Porn in the Pews • © 2010 CovenantEyes 35 Build Discipleship. Build Accountability.

Unlike a generation ago, Internet pornography is easily accessible to nearly every person in your church: husbands, wives, fathers, mothers, teens, kids, and even church leaders.

Adults and kids alike need helpful blockades in place to prevent exposure to inappropriate content. Church members also need tools that help them have honest conversations about the temptations they face and the choices they make online. Covenant Eyes gives you both.

Covenant Eyes Filtering blocks mature content, based on age-based sensitivity settings that parents can select for each member of their household. Moms and dads can create specific lists of websites that should be blocked or allowed for each of their kids and themselves. We also empower parents to choose the times of day and the amount of time per day that each person in their home may access the Web.

Covenant Eyes Accountability monitors all websites visited and rates each one for mature content. This information is provided in easy-to-read reports that are sent to a trusted friend or group of friends, remov- ing the secrecy of how the Internet is used. Knowing you are accountable to someone for how you use the Web helps change your surfing habits. Put simply, you think before you click. The reports are custom- made for good accountability conversations.

By offering information about Covenant Eyes services to your church, you are helping to equip your congregation with the practical and spiritual resources to prevent exposure to pornography and fight temptations online. Porn in the Pews • © 2010 CovenantEyes 36