How I Lost My Mother: Care, Death, and the Politics of Invisibility
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How I lost my mother: Care, death, and the politics of invisibility by Leslie Swartz Dissertation presented for the degree of Doctor of Philosophy (English Studies) Faculty of Arts and Social Sciences at Stellenbosch University Supervisor: Professor Shaun Viljoen Co-supervisor: Professor Louise Green December 2020 Stellenbosch University https://scholar.sun.ac.za How I lost my mother page ii Declaration By submitting this dissertation electronically, I declare that the entirety of the work contained therein is my own, original work, that I am the sole author thereof (save to the extent explicitly otherwise stated), that reproduction and publication thereof by Stellenbosch University will not infringe any third party rights and that I have not previously in its entirety or in part submitted it for obtaining any qualification. December 2020 Copyright © 2020 Stellenbosch University All rights reserved Stellenbosch University https://scholar.sun.ac.za How I lost my mother page iii Abstract This creative writing dissertation falls into two sections. The bulk of the dissertation is a book-length memoir entitled How I lost my mother, and the brief second section provides a reflection on the memoir and the process of writing. The memoir uses the techniques of narrative nonfiction to introduce readers to issues of care and dying. The memoir tells the story of an emotionally complex relationship between mother and son, and of the struggles we all face in negotiating our way between closeness and distance, tenderness, anger and retribution. The book uses humour and story-telling to discuss issues which may otherwise not be palatable to a wide range of readers. The book maintains a deliberate tension between three narrative strands. First, the book functions in part as a social history of marginal Jewish life in southern Africa from the 1920s to today, with a critical look at the social demands and expectations of a close-knit community. Second, there is a raw account of a fraught but loving family relationship. Third, this is a book about loss, death, and the invisibilization of care issues. Many privileged people live their lives, and go through the process of dying, supported by vulnerable and poorly-paid people (usually women of colour), and the book discusses this reality. To an extent, my intentions in writing the book are didactic, but the book is written as a story about family life, and it invites co-construction of meaning rather than positioning the reader as somebody who needs to be taught. I hope that by showing my own doubts and my own struggles with issues, I invite the reader to think along with me. The book also deals the politics of memory and memorialization, which remains an important and contested issue in contemporary South Africa. Who has the right to speak about the past? Whose memories are “true”, to the extent that that it is possible to have “true memories”? Who gets to tell the stories? Who ends up as a writer famed for chronicling a particular conflict context (like Nadine Gordimer and Anne Frank), and whose stories will never be chronicled? What responsibilities do all story-tellers have to the past, and to what extent can people claim not to be Stellenbosch University https://scholar.sun.ac.za How I lost my mother page iv constrained, shaped, and enabled by a past they inherited through good or bad fortune, or, more usually, an intertwined combination of both good and bad? Section 2 of the dissertation provides a critical reflection on the writing of the memoir and on questions of ethics, authenticity, and subjectivity in relation to life-writing more generally. I draw on writers from a range of periods and contexts to consider these issues, noting the inherent difficulties and contradictions of a writer commenting on his or her own writing. In keeping with other authors, I suggest that personal narratives may be a helpful way to communicate complex, and broader, concerns. Stellenbosch University https://scholar.sun.ac.za How I lost my mother page v Opsomming Hierdie proefskrif in kreatiewe skryfkunde val in twee dele uit. Die grootste gedeelte van die proefskrif is ‘n boeklange gedenkskrif met die titel, How I lost my mother, en die kort tweede deel is ‘n besinning oor die gedenkskrif en die skryfproses. In die gedenkskrif word verhalende nie-fiksie as tegniek gebruik om lesers bekend te stel aan kwessies wat met sorg en sterwe te make het. Die gedenkskrif vertel die verhaal van ‘n emosioneel-ingewikkelde verhouding tussen moeder en seun en die stryd waarmee ons almal gekonfronteer word, terwyl ons die weg deur nabyheid en afstand, teerheid, woede en vergelding vind. Humor en storievertelling word in die boek aangewend om kwessies, wat andersins nie aangenaam vir ‘n wye leserskap sou wees nie, te bespreek. Die boek hou ‘n doelbewuste spanning tussen drie narratiewe drade vol. Eerstens, funksioneer die boek deels as ‘n sosiale geskiedenis van die gemarginaliseerde Joodse lewe in Suider-Afrika vanaf die 1920s tot op hede, met ‘n kritiese blik op die sosiale eise en verwagtinge van ‘n hegte gemeenskap. Tweedens, dien dit as ‘n verslagdoening van ‘n belade, maar liefdevolle, familieverhouding. Derdens, handel die boek oor verlies, die dood, en die versteking (invisibilization) van sorgkwessies. Menige bevoorregte persone lei hul lewens, en beleef die sterwensproses, met onderskraging deur kwesbare en swakbetaalde persone (gewoonlik swart vroue), en die boek bespreek hierdie realiteit. Tot ‘n mate is my bedoelinge met die skryf van hierdie boek lerend van aard, maar die boek is geskryf as ‘n storie oor gesinslewe, en dus is dit ‘n uitnodiging tot die gesamentlike uitleg van betekenis, eerder as dat die leser geplaas word in die rol van iemand wat onderrig moet word. Ek hoop dat ek, deurdat ek my eie twyfel en worstelinge met kwessies blootlê, die leser uitnooi om saam met my na te dink. Stellenbosch University https://scholar.sun.ac.za How I lost my mother page vi Die boek handel ook oor die politiek verbonde aan geheue en optekening, wat steeds ‘n belangrike en omstrede kwessie in hedendaagse Suid-Afrika bly. Wie het die reg om oor die verlede te praat? Wie se herinneringe is “waar”, tot dié mate dat dit moontik is om “ware herinneringe” te hê? Wie word toegelaat om die stories te vertel? Wie word op die ou ent ‘n skrywer wat beroemdheid verwerf vir die optekening van ‘n besondere konflikkonteks (soos Nadine Gordimer en Anne Frank), en wie se stories sal nooit opgeteken word nie? Watse verantwoordelikhede het alle storievertellers teenoor die verlede en tot watter mate kan persone eis dat hulle nie beperk, gevorm en in staat gestel is deur ‘n verlede wat aan hul nagelaat is deur óf goeie óf slegte geluk, of dan, meer gewoonlik, ‘n vervlegde kombinasie van beide goed en sleg, nie? Deel 2 van die proefskrif besin krities oor die skryf van ‘n gedenkskrif en oor vrae rakende etiek, egtheid en subjektiwiteit in verhouding tot ego-tekste, in die algemeen. Ek beroep my op skrywers uit ‘n verskeidenheid tydperke en agtergronde om hierdie kwessies aan te spreek, terwyl ek kennis neem van die problematiek en teenstrydighede wat eie is daaraan as ‘n skrywer op haar of sy eie werk kommentaar lewer. In ooreenstemming met ander skrywers, stel ek voor dat persoonlike verhale ‘n nuttige manier mag wees om ingewikkelde, en wyer, besorgdhede te kommunikeer. Stellenbosch University https://scholar.sun.ac.za How I lost my mother page vii Acknowledgements Many people contributed to the making of this dissertation. I thank my supervisors, Shaun Viljoen and Louise Green, for their help and support, which has been more helpful and wide-ranging than they may know. This dissertation would not have been possible without the help of my family. I was lucky to have the parents, Alfred Swartz and Elsie Cohen Swartz, that I did, and I hope that some of the writing shows how much they gave to me. My sister Jenny Alter has supported me in many ways for over 60 years, and remains my fierce ally and protector. My daughters, Alison Swartz and Rebecca Swartz, and my wife, Louise Frenkel, cared for my mother and they care for me. Bobbe was so proud of all of you, and loved you all so much, as do I. I am lucky to have such wonderful people in my life. Thank you. Our family is lucky to live in a wider circle of care, and in this regard I am grateful for support in this work, and in so many other ways, to Ian Alter, Adam Alter, Dean Alter, Pamie Britt, Bev Dickman, Tony Frank, Susan Filtane, Gordon Inggs, and Nick Reynolds. People have been kind enough to read drafts of the memoir and give comments – thank you to Carol Barac, Jason Bantjes, Hazel Broker, Madie Duncan, Jack Greenblatt, Shirley Greenblatt Luck, Rizwana Roomaney, Valerie Sinason, Sally Swartz, Lucia Thesen and Brian Watermeyer. Kay McCormick provided a remarkable amount of fine-grained and thoughtful input – far more than I had any right to expect. There is something fitting about my having been taught in English I by Kay in 1973 when I was 17, and her having helped me with this late PhD. I am grateful to all the people who helped with care for my mother, including those named and not named in the memoir. I am lucky to work at Stellenbosch University, which generously gave me sabbatical leave to complete this project. Thank you to my colleagues, teachers, students, and support staff all of whom have contributed to my being able to start, and finish, this dissertation. Special thanks to Gaynöhl Andrews, Ursula Hartzenberg, and Kungeka Ndila, all of whom have supported me and my work over the years.