• Abstract and Figures
• Public Full-text

MEET THE GHOULSTEINS by Michael Chase Walker Michael Chase Walker [email protected] 424 207 0521 UNDER THE STUDIO LOGO -- A clacking keyboard. Pink font across a black background. MY DUMB BITCH ASS BLOG GRACE kvetches as she types. GRACE (V.O.) My German lab teacher is a total Nazi, my bff’s are zombie bimbos from hell, and my peeps are escapees from an old... A harrowing scream! FADE IN: INT. BEDROOM- NIGHT NOSFERATU on Cable! More Screams. Max Schreck slinks towards a cowed and cornered DAMSEL -- gnarled fingers in predatory pose. GRACE MUELLER is at her desk, on her computer, casually glancing at the TV. She’s 17, with dark features and “Tickle Me Pink” fingernails. GRACE -- got that right. Her pert nose and sharp patrician features accentuate her quick wit and ‘wise-beyond-her-years’ world view. Turning back to the computer. GRACE I totally like Todd Hochler, but Cassie says he’s just using me. A pensive finger to the mouth. GRACE Oh, can I say it enough? In bold capital letters -- GRACE I HATE BEING A GHOULSTEIN! 2. The violin prelude to “Young at Heart” begins. FADE TO BLACK SONG FAIRY TALES CAN COME TRUE IT CAN HAPPEN TO YOU IF YOU’RE YOUNG AT HEART... ROLL CREDITS A Black and White Montage: SOMEWHERE IN THE CARPATHIAN MOUNTAINS EXT. VILLAGE - DAY Thatched hovels and tiny shops of a medieval village. Women in babushkas tote bundles of kindling. Goats, pigs, and chickens roam free. SONG FOR IT'S HARD YOU WILL FIND, TO BE NARROW OF MIND, IF YOU'RE YOUNG AT HEART A 14th Century CASTLE looms high above -- Ominous and imposing with dagger-like spires. A monolith of gloom and despair. At a glance it suggests: Vlad, the Impaler lived here, but found it awfully depressing. SONG YOU CAN GO TO EXTREMES WITH IMPOSSIBLE SCHEMES. YOU CAN LAUGH WHEN YOUR DREAMS FALL APART AT THE SEAMS CLOSE ON THE CASTLE BARBICAN - A FAMILY CREST SCHLOSS VON GHOULSTEIN A ghostly KNIGHT rises above three tombstones, proffering a tuft of Hemlock in one hand, and a spade in the other. Its motto: Concussus surgo: When Struck We Will Rise 3. Drifting down to the outer courtyard, An odd aristocratic FAMILY poses for a Daguerreotype. SONG AND LIFE GETS MORE EXCITING WITH EACH PASSING DAY AND LOVE IS EITHER IN YOUR HEART, OR ON IT'S WAY. The senior BARON VON GHOULSTEIN is Rasputin like, with unearthly pale skin, long beard, and black formal coat. HIS WIFE, stares out in drab repose, book ended by her TWIN six years-old BOYS, looking equally wan and dire. One sibling is taller and platinum haired, the other sturdier and of a darker countenance. With an incandescent flash! DISSOLVE TO: The ominous thunder of Jack boots marching. 1939 EXT. THE SAME VILLAGE- DAY STORM TROOPERS goose-step through narrow streets-- fascist arms extended. A village BAKER draws his curtains with a disgusted moue. SONG DON’T YOU KNOW THAT IT’S WORTH EVERY TREASURE ON EARTH TO BE YOUNG AT HEART CUT TO: EXT. ROAD - DAY A PEASANT FARMER, flanked by his WIFE and CHILDREN, trudge along a long dusty road -- all their belongings in an ox cart. At another angle, we see hundreds more FAMILIES fleeing the Nazi incursion. CUT TO: 4. EXT. CASTLE ENTRANCE - DAY The swastika replaces the Von Ghoulstein crest, and in the outer courtyard... SONG FOR AS RICH AS YOU ARE IT’S MUCH BETTER BY FAR TO BE YOUNG AT HEART... Five SS OFFICERS pose triumphantly -- their arms draped over the other in camaraderie and conquest. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. OCEAN LINER - PROMENADE DECK - DAY The sturdier VON GHOULSTEIN twin is now in his late 30’s, standing solemnly at the guard rail, staring blankly out to sea. His WIFE, Siamese twin DAUGHTERS, SON and DAUGHTER-IN-LAW recline in deck chairs behind him, looking displaced and forlorn. SONG AND IF YOU SHOULD SURVIVE TO 105 LOOK AT ALL YOU’LL DERIVE OUT OF BEING ALIVE... DISSOLVE TO: EXT./INT. ELLIS ISLAND -- IMMIGRATION OFFICE - DAY Five passports fan out for the renamed “MUELLER” clan followed immediately by a stamp: “ADMITTED December 14, 1942. A droplet of blood trickles down. The IMMIGRATION OFFICER collapses on top of the passports -- burying them beneath his portly frame. A thin macilent hand reaches underneath and retrieves them. SONG THEN HERE IS THE BEST PART YOU HAVE A FRESH START IF YOU ARE AMONG THE VERY YOUNG AT HEART 5. The Baron dabs the corners of his mouth with a monogrammed handkerchief and pockets the immigration documents. -- straightens his fedora, retrieves his valise, and turns to his family. Together, they enter a long corridor. “You are now entering the United States of America.” Ambling towards the clear light of freedom in silhouette. SONG IF YOU ARE AMONG THE VERY YOUNG AT HEART. END CREDITS FADE TO BLACK A NEW CARD New Siegfried, Connecticut Present Day AND ANOTHER CARD THE CALLING FADE IN: EXT. MUELLER MANOR - NIGHT A Gingerbread Victorian. The bright Harvest moon nestles between its gables accentuating the green and pink trim and lattice work. When a malignant SHADOW flies in clutching a “In N’ Out” take out Bag. Encircles the cupola... And alights on the window and enters. In silhouette: we see it transfigure into a human being. PANNING down to THE DRIVEWAY in front. A Trans Am idles. Fogged windows and moans emit from inside. 6. TODD (O.S.) Ummmmmmmmmm. Jeebus Grace... CUT TO: INT. TRANS AM- NIGHT Todd Hochler writhes in ecstacy. He’s 18, a tow-headed jock, and not-too-swift on the uptake. TODD -- you could strip the paint off a flag pole. Grace pop up in her seat, composing herself. She’s wearing a blonde wig. GRACE Um, that would be barber’s pole. TODD Whatever -- Where’d you learn to do that? GRACE Sippy straws. Momma says they promote a strong, healthy smile. Todd -- smiling. TODD I’ll say! Grace settles back and tucks her hair back with a “scrunchy”. GRACE Wanna come in for a bite? TODD Eh, gotta relay tomorrow. Coach wants me to bring my leg under six seconds. Nuzzling in close. TODD But, we can hook up afterwards? GRACE Are you sure you won’t be all sweaty and tired? She brushes his lips with her finger. 7. GRACE -- Cuz I have a few hurdles of my own I’d like to jump. She slinks seductively out of the car. TODD Gosh Grace, why can’t the others be like you? She leans back through the passenger window. GRACE Cuz, then I’d have to hurt them. She bares her teeth, and flexes her fingers like scratching claws -- turns, and sashays up the driveway. Todd pines over her smoking hot figure, slams his palm against the steering wheel. TODD Day-um! And peels out. Grace smiles wickedly. CUT TO: EXT./INT. GRACE’S HOUSE- NIGHT Fumbling with keys, she enters THE FOYER The Von Ghoulstein Crest above a musty old World interior. Shadows loom and haunt. Her family is at the dining table. Grace steels herself, removes her blonde wig, and joins them. CUT TO: INT. DINING ROOM CARLOTTA, Grace’s mom, is setting the table. She’s rather drab and melancholy since the death of her husband. BARON MORTIMER MUELLER (née Von Ghoulstein) is now in his seventies. He sips espresso and pores through The New Siegfried Gazette. 8. GRANDMA MUELLER knits an XXX large sweater with two neck holes for AUNT HILDEGARD and HERMIONE - Siamese Lesbian twins, with two heads, a shared torso, and a biting sarcastic wit. A grandfather clock strikes Midnight. CARLOTTA Gracie! You’re home early! GRANDMA How vas your date? GRANDPA Did he get avay? Ha! GRACE I’m so sure, Grandpa. Todd has a track meet tomorrow. GRANDMA On Sunday? GRANDPA I thought all dey did vas burn books on Sundays. HERMIONE -- witches too! CARLOTTA I didn’t know there were any. GRANDMA Books? CARLOTTA No, witches. HILDEGARD There aren’t? GRANDMA Aren’t what? HERMIONE Witches. GRANDMA Which is what? GRANDPA Vhat zey burn, silly. 9. CARLOTTA I didn’t know there were any. GRANDPA Witches? CARLOTTA No, books. GRANDPA There aren’t, zey burnt zem all! Ha! GRACE Mama, tell me again how you found me in an old pigeon coop and my real parents are out there pining over old milk cartons. CARLOTTA Don’t be silly, we’re your real family. GRANDPA And don’t forget it, Miss Smarty Britches! It takes more than a vig and a name change to cover up ten thousands years of Ghoulstein. GRACE You’re so right, Grandpa. I should just kill myself now and spare myself a lifetime of therapy. CARLOTTA It doesn’t do any good, dear. GRACE What, therapy or suicide? GRANDMA You are who you are, dear, might as vell get used to it. HERMIONE AND HILDEGARD WE DID! Grace looks quizzically at her Siamese Twin Aunts. GRACE Thank you, Aunties! I can cancel my Atavan prescription now. Carlotta passes by with a silver serving tray - rattling. 10. CARLOTTA That’s nice, dear. Hungry? GRACE -- maybe a smidge. She lifts the lid to find jostling blood red ORGANS. GRACE Ew, Momma, what the hell is that? HILDEGARD Liver pudding with sweet breads! HERMIONE Grandpa got take-out! GRACE That is sooooo grrrross! How can you touch it let alone put it in your mouth? HILDEGARD We’ll take her share, Lottie. HERMIONE You go ahead, dear, I’m watching my weight. HILDEGARD -- what’s it doing -- breeding? HERMIONE How droll -- and to think I’m the one with the brains.

Load more

  91

Copy Link