ENTERTAINMENT PAGE 25 Technique • Friday, March 17, 2000 • 25
The Regular Guys Sonique musters a cry ENTERTAINMENT For your reading pleasure, we begin a With her new album, Hear My Cry, series of morning radio show reviews. Sonique tries to continue her success Technique • Friday, March 17, 2000 This week: 96 Rock. Page 27 in the dance music genre. Page 29 No signs of intelligent life found in ‘Mission to Mars’ Jamie Schulz the big farewell party. Argh. We the sentimentality and dead wife Well everyone’s seen it already… have to sit through twenty min- thing. In addition to being con- utes of goodbye, I love you, I’ll stantly reminded of Maggie, we MPAA Rating: PG miss you. Blah blah blah. And it have to sit through ten minutes Starring: Gary Sinise, Tim doesn’t end there. The movie of McConnell watching videos Robbins, Don Cheadle, of her while he is going to Mars. Jerry O’Connell, Connie Please! If I want home videos, Nielson I’ll go to a family reunion. Director: Brian De Palma The premise behind There’s also the whole thing Studio: Touchstone Pictures between Woody Blake (Robbins) Running Time: 113 minutes Mission to Mars is and his wife, Terri Fisher (Niel- Rating: yy a good one. son), who seen to be trying to get the love back into their rela- One of the guys I went to the However, premise tionship. We finally witness it movie theater with overheard an and execution of in a very 2001-ish scene set in usher say to another while we the rotating commons area of were leaving the theatre “Boy, an idea are two the Mars station. the movie must be bad. No one different things. Which brings up another is talking about it.” Well, you point—the movie borrows very got that right, Chuckie. heavily from other movies. As The premise behind Mission I’ve mentioned, it uses the 2001 to Mars is a good one—get some just drips of sentimentality. rotating-thing, and it also relies good actors to try to cultivate We’re constantly reminded on Mars being a sort of HAL- Mars, then have bad things start of Jim McConnell’s (Sinise) dead like planet. When Luke Gra- to happen. However, premise wife, Maggie (Kim Delaney), who ham (Cheadle) and the first team and execution of an idea are two is given credit for beginning the try to set radar at a very mysteri- different things. whole concept of exploring Mars ous shape, a whirlwind appears The movie begins with what with the intention of inhabiting and eats up everyone, save Luke. By Rob McEwan / TOUCHSTONE PICTURES the usual mission-to-outer-space it. (So we have her to thank for When the first team to land sends a final, panicked transmission back to Earth, it’s movie has placed in the middle: the movie.) But anyway, back to See Mission to Mars, page 26 up to a second team led by Robbins and Sinise to save them in Mission to Mars.
‘Planet’ is‘ hospitable, hilarious Ørbit gives classics a new twist
By Gus Ramage, IV en are from Venus,” but it is ed soon on campus. By Paul Egas Mascagni and two works by con- What planet am I from? actually far from it. This is a When he arrives on Earth, Floating through a serene sky temporary composer, Henryk great film to take a date to. Harold meets Perry Gordon Górecki. MPAA Rating: R The year is (Greg Kin- Artist: William Ørbit William Ørbit has been known Starring: Gary Shandling, 2999. Gary near), a co- Album: Pieces in a Modern Style throughout the music world as much Annette Bening, Greg Shandling worker at the Studio: Maverick Records for his music as his production abil- Kinnear, Ben Kingsley, Linda plays Harold [Shandling] delivers bank. Perry Tracks: 11 ities. His Strange Cargo series cre- Fiorentino, John Goodman Anderson, an shows him Running Time: 60:10 ated quite a stir in the English techno Director: Mike Nichols alien who must how to meet hilarious dialogue Genre: Ambient community, which quickly spread Studio: Columbia Pictures mate and pro- women at 12- while still conveying Rating: yyyy throughout the world. It was in Running Time: 100 minutes duce a child in step groups this series that Beth Orton gives Rating: yyyy order to save and other lo- a message about William Ørbit has been getting her debut on lead vocals for the his planet. the way men and cations. After a lot of press lately. He is the one phenomenally popular “Water Director Mike Nichols (The There are no encounters that is credited with remaking Ma- From A Vine Leaf.” It was Ørbit Graduate, Primary Colors) has females on his with a steward- women view dating donna. Ørbit, along with Madon- that discovered her and encour- really delivered a great film in world, and the ess, topless and relationships. na, received two Grammys in 1998 aged her to sing. His other efforts, What Planet are You From? It is only way they waitress, and (for “Best Pop Album” as well as such as Bassomatic, have met with one of the best romantic come- reproduce is Perry’s wife “Dance Recording”) for his work similar success. dies since Notting Hill. I was through clon- (Linda Fioren- on Ray of Light. For those of you Ørbit spends almost as much laughing most of the way through ing. Harold and others are given tino), Harold finally meets Sus- who are accus- time making his own music as he the movie and thought it was a training on how to talk to Earth an Hart (Annette Bening) at a tomed to his work does working with great. I was expecting this film women and lure them into bed. meeting. Susan is a recovering on Ray of Light, you others. Along with to be something along the lines Some of the pickup lines are very are in for some- the Madonna’s of “Men are From Mars, Wom- funny, and will likely be repeat- Ørbit tackles the See Planet, page 28 thing different “Ray of Light,” her with his new al- classics with this forthcoming re- bum, Pieces in a endeavor and lease, and her sin- Modern Style. gle “Beautiful This latest ef- reinvents them. The Stranger,” Ørbit fort shows exactly synthetic rendering has produced the why he is called En- likes of Beth Or- gland’s finest am- breathes life into ton, Blur and All bient-house the classical pieces, Saints’ “Pure pioneer. Ørbit Shores,” from the tackles the classics while keeping the recent release, The with this endeav- original intricacies. Beach. He also co- or and reinvents wrote and co-pro- them, as the title duced the Ricky suggests, in a mod- Martin/Madonna ern style. The smooth, synthetic duet, “Cuidado Con Mi Corazon.” rendering breathes life into the clas- William Ørbit is equally hailed for sical pieces, while keeping the orig- his abilities a remixing works, and inal intricacies. has done so for Kraftwerk, Seal, This CD pairs Ørbit’s electron- Prince and Depeche Mode. ic ambitions with the works of clas- Pieces in a Modern Style, howev- sical composers from the past to er, suffers the curse of most of Ør- present. Along with the “classical” bit’s work; while some pieces stand classics—pieces by Beethoven, Rav- out, the others are mediocre. The el, Handel and Vivaldi—are early first single, “Adagio for Strings” by
By Francois Duhamel / COLUMBIA PICTURES twentieth century pieces by Sam- FAA Agent Roland Jones (John Goodman) suspects that there is something more to Harold Anderson uel Barber, John Cage and Pietro See Ørbit, page 26 (Gary Shandling) and Susan Hart’s (Annette Bening) engagement in What Planet Are You From? 26 • Friday, March 17, 2000 • Technique ENTERTAINMENT
Mission to Mars from page 25 ØØrbit from page 25
Next, a string of debris strikes nal back to the hill, and unlock the Barber, is by far the best, and the the ship occupied by the second mystery of Mars. Some big mys- reworked dance version has already (and now rescue) crew, nearly keeping tery—the Martians “seeded” Earth reached the Top 5 in the UK. The Woody and his crew from getting after it was destroyed, meaning we fact that the CD also includes a to Mars in the first place. And so on are they, or they are us. I find that a bonus disk with two remixes of this and so on. little hard to digest. track is an additional treat. In the beginning of the movie, And then there’s the product Other good tracks are Handel’s Jerry O’Connell’s character , Phil placement. We’ve got Pepsi (Dr. “Xerxes,” Cage’s “In A Landscape” Ohlmyer, seems to be too much a Pepper), Pennzoil, Kawasaki, Isu- and Beethoven’s “Opus 132.” The copy of Ben Affleck from Armaged- zu, and of course, Mars, for the other track, and CD as a whole, are don. Then there’s the similarity to M&M DNA chain that Jerry good for relaxation but fail to have Contact when Luke deciphers a code O’Connell constructs which repre- the draw of the aforementioned in the signal he picked up from the sents his “perfect woman.” Won- tracks. The Vivaldi piece, “Triple mysterious Martian “hill” (which der if she’s a blonde? But a Georgia Concerto” reminds me of the mu- turns out to be a really big alien Tech bumper sticker does sneak its sic usually heard on some kiddie head). He figures that the code is way into the flick, so product place- amusement ride. Despite its flaws, some kind of signature that the ment isn’t too bad. William Ørbit’s Pieces in a Modern Martians are using to identify who The only reason I hesitate to to- Style is an interesting endeavor and or what has landed on Mars to de- tally tank the movie is its graphics. would make a nice addition to a termine if it’s amiable. The Mars landscape was done won- collection. The signature is actually a DNA derfully, as well as the shots of things code (Contact—prime numbers; hurtling through space—the space Before you ask, no, that is not a typo. Mission to Mars—DNA. Hmm…), stations, satellites, Mars ships, plan- By Barry J. Holmes / MAVERICK Meaning that yes, William Ørbit likes and it’s up to the guys to complete ets, Tim Robbins… But all in all, William Ørbit likes to do things differently, from spelling his name with an the Ø in his name with the slash through the chain, send the completed sig- Mission to Mars is a movie to skip. odd character to reinventing classic works on Pieces in a Modern Style. it, just like it’s written.
I can’t believe Chris called the office from a limo in New York wanting to consense. ENTERTAINMENT Technique • Friday, March 17, 2000 • 27 What are you listening to? Don’t forget your green earplugs! COTTON CLUB MASQUERADE Atlanta’s Morning Radio Review (152 Luckie St.) (695 North Ave.) (404) 874-1993 (404) 577-2007 This Week: 96 Rock 3/17—The Slip 3/17—Super X-13, Jack Black, Illbilly Boys 3/18—ROR Indiefest 3/18—Stuck Mojo, Miller’s Tale, Fusebox, By David Reynolds talk radio station in 1997, but words about nearly all of their 3/21—Fu Manchu, Supagroup Super Conductor Our very own radio guy quit two years later. “They were co-workers and walked out of 3/23—Angry Salad 3/22—David J tired of our (crap), we were tired the studio with pride. Eight Web site: www.consopro.com/cclub_body.cfm 3/24—The Amazing Crowns, Homegrown, Anyone who has lived in At- of their (crap),” explained Eric. months after leaving their Los Gadjets lanta for the last three years may However, the Regular Guys Angeles job, they finally landed DARK HORSE TAVERN Web site: www.masq.com know that 96 Rock’s morning definitely do not resign quietly. here in Atlanta as the new 96 (816 N. Highland Ave.) show has been a revolving door With about one hour left in a Rock morning crew. (404) 873-3607 SMITH’S OLDE BAR of DJ’s. From one group to the normal day’s show, they had de- Joining the Regular Guys is 3/3—Hanging Francis, Persona, Chain Poets (1574 Piedmont Ave.) 3/4—Wil’s Drama, Mister Natural, (404) 875-1522 next, consistency and entertain- cided they were fed up with the lifetime Tech fan Southside Steve 3/17—Rebirth Brass Band ment were nowhere to be heard. producer and the whole radio Rickman, who is known for his Sing Sing Prison 3/8—Medicine Show 3/18—Uncle Mingo, The Wood, Melt But in the spring of 1999...en- work with the massage parlors 3/9—Isaac Curry, Damian Carter, Mark 3/21—B-Side Players ter the Regular Guys! and street bits as Captain Pony- Duplass 3/23—Audiobridge, Film, Nine Days Two men came all the way The 96 Rock tail. He ventures out into the 3/10—Tommy Thompson Band, 3/24—Unknown Hinson from California to save the ra- city doing shockingly hilarious Elephant, Impulse Ride Web site: dev.cln.com/mall/smiths dio station listeners from bore- Morning Show activities that most people in their dom. The Regular Guys (also supplies hours of right mind would never consid- ECHO LOUNGE STAR BAR known as Larry Wachs and Eric er possible by a thinking human (551 Flat Shoals Ave.) (437 Moreland Ave.) Von Haessler) rescued listeners intelligent, being. Along with Fats the in- (404) 681-3600 (404) 681-9018 from fish quizzes and far-too- sidesplitting banter tern, Tom, and Radioboy, the 3/17—The Gunga Din, White Lights, 3/17—Lizardmen, The X-Rays energetic pop music DJ’s and 96 Rock Morning Show crew Myssouri 3/18—X-Impossibles, El Caminos, Titanics supplied Atlanta with ingenious that listeners will supply four hours of intelligent, 3/18—Sex Mob, Elliott Sharp 3/19—Billy Bacon and the Forbidden Pigs, humor and witty dialect. sidesplitting banter that listen- 3/20—Zen Guerrilla, Nebula, The Go Scott Carpenter and the Real McCoys rapidly find 3/22—Andrew Bird’s Bowl of Fire, Neko 3/22—Orange Hat, Modify, 8 Track Gorilla The two met in Rochester, ers will rapidly find addicting. 3/23—Drive-By Truckers New York, behind the scenes at addicting. But before listening to the Case and Her Boyfriiends, Star Room Boys 3/24—Hatebombs, Caroline and the a local top forty station and first Regular Guys and crew, one 3/23—Dead Legs Diamond, Deanna Ramblers came together on air in Hart- should be forewarned—the Reg- Varagona Web site: www.cloun.com/starbar.html ford, Connecticut. However, station, so in front of all the ears ular Guys aren’t for the easily 3/24—The Blacks they hated the station, and end- in Los Angeles, Larry called a offended, uptight, or Web site: www.echostatic.com/echolounge TABERNACLE ed up breaking the tandem when suicide hotline as a product of humorless.Regular activities in- (152 Luckie St.) each left radio and began work- disgust. clude strip trivia against Larry EDDIE’S ATTIC (404) 659-9022 ing in many various jobs. He told the operator that he and Eric, adult film star guests, (515-B N. McDonough St.) 3/19—Marc Anthony Larry owned a restaurant had had enough and wanted to and lashing out at the general (404) 377-4976 3/22—Method Man, Redman while Eric worked 4 jobs sup- end it (referring to his radio ca- annoyances of society. The Reg- 3/17—Buddy O’Reilly Band 3/24—Poncho Sanchez porting his wife and soon-to- reer at the station). She calmly ular Guys show may not be for 3/18—Michelle Malone, Tammy Fowler Web site: www.tabernaclemusic.com be-born child. The two were talked him down and after hang- you, but on the other hand, it 3/19—Jan Smith reunited through a Los Angeles ing up, they said extremely harsh might be good for you after all. 3/21—Drew Boles, John M, Victor Johnson VARIETY PLAYHOUSE 3/22—Don Henry, Deborah Holland (1099 Euclid Ave.) 3/23—Weak Lazy Liar, Jill Knight, (404) 521-1786 During the remainder of the semester, our intrepid reporter will be R. B. Morris 3/17—Kristin Hersh, Vic Chesnutt 3/24—John Mayer, Hugh Blumenfeld 3/18—Peter Row, Tony Rice, Tara Nevins reviewing the morning shows of other Atlanta radio stations. Web site: www.eddiesattic.com 3/23—Ras Shilo, Bigga Haitian, Selah and the A Team Band Email any comments to [email protected]. ROXY 3/24—Victor Wooten (3110 Roswell Rd.) Web site: www.variety-playhouse.com Next up: The Morning X (404) 233-7699 3/20—John Paul Jones For more information, check the Tourdates Web site: www.consopro.com/roxy_body.cfm website at http://www.tourdates.com.
Keep up with all the latest news at Georgia Tech with a subscription to: TECHNIQUE “The South’s Liveliest College Newspaper”
30 issues/year for $25 (mailed bulk rate)
Perfect for parents, co-ops; gifts for friends, alumni, former staff members
Name
Address
City State Zip
Please make check payable to The Technique and mail it with this form to:
The Technique ATTN: Subscriptions Georgia Tech 353 Ferst Drive, Room 137 Atlanta, GA 30332-0290
Advice for the masses: if you ever need someone to lie extremely convincingly, contact Becca. Trust me on this one. 28 • Friday, March 17, 2000 • Technique ENTERTAINMENT
Not quite up to Kevorkian’s standards, but… Planet from page 25 By Alan Back 1991 and dedicating themselves to Green Day. (Bassist Royce Nunley work from Ryan Vandeberghe, the alcoholic who is a real estate agent. I’m a reporter, not a detective! providing the soundtrack for just wrote it for his dog.) Jump ahead to newest member of the band. Harold tries to work his instructed such an occasion. “Too Many Words” and you can Oddly enough, the ska element charm, but comes off as being com- Artist: The Suicide Machines If nothing else, the four-piece hear a little bit of the Offspring at of the Machines’ background comes pletely wrong. Eventually, howev- Album: The Suicide Machines group declares its allegiance to punk work in guitarist Dan Lukacinsky through only rarely; “Sincerity” and er, she succumbs to his charm and Label: Hollywood Records through the length of the songs on and singer Jason Navarro. “I Never Promised You a Rose Gar- the two become engaged. Genre: Punk/Ska its self-titled third album. The longest No punk band of the past 20 den” are the best examples. Imag- Bening shows that her perfor- Tracks: 14 cut clocks in at just over three min- years can escape the influence of the ine the Sex Pistols crossed with the mance in American Beauty was no Running Time: 34 minutes utes, the shortest at a minute and Ramones, though, and “Permanent Specials, lose the horns and keys, fluke; it was truly the work of a Rating: yyy change. Keep up with the changes Holiday” lands squarely at that end and you get the idea of what it sounds great actress. She turns in another from one song to the next and you of the spectrum. Admit it—you’ve like. This is the sort of stuff that terrific performance in What Planet Every person on the face of this might actually pick up on a few been jonesing for something like grew out of the UK second-wave Are You From? as Susan. After feel- earth, no matter how buttoned down, halfway decent things. this since 99X’s Resurrection Sun- craze in the early 1980s and had ing as if she is losing control of her needs to get out and do a little mosh- “Sometimes I Don’t Mind,” the day went off the air! “Green” incor- audiences stomping their hearts out. life, she enrolls herself in the pro- ing once in a while. Detroit’s Sui- opening cut and first single, mixes a porates all the imprints of the genre: (Vandeberghe inflicts plenty of dam- gram to help her addictions. Here, cide Machines have been slugging little pop into the punk and charges high-speed vocals and guitars, shout- age on his kit in the process.) while on his quest to meet women, it out on the ska-core scene since along in the same vein as Dookie-era ed responses, and slamming drum Skip over “Reasons” unless you Harold meets her and takes an in- want to hear 72 seconds of nearly terest in her. incoherent screaming about what’s One of the true assets of this film screwed up in today’s society, and is the fantastic supporting cast. Many leave “The Fade Away” and “Ex- notable stars have appearances in traordinary” alone. One tries to mix the film and it definitely adds to the strings with thrashing guitars (and humor of the movie. John Good- fails badly), while the other devel- man plays Roland Jones, an investi- ops bad delusions of grandeur. If gator bent on exposing the truth Ben Folds had tried to write punk, behind Harold and his mysterious this might be the result—ouch. interplanetary transportation. Ben What keeps The Suicide Machines Kingley is perfect as Graydon, from standing out is the fact that a Harold’s controller, and the superi- lot of its songs start to bleed into or alien being and “all-knowing” one another before too long, a prob- instructor. Nora Dunn, Fiorenti- lem made worse by the speed with no, and Janeane Garofalo also have which they go flying by. You need humorous supporting roles. to make every minute count if you’re The script for the film is great, as going to play an entire album’s worth it shows some of the differences be- of stuff in just over half an hour. tween men and women when it The Detroit boys don’t quite get comes to relationships. Shandling the job done here, but they get plenty was one of the writers of this clever of points for trying. and quite funny script. He really delivers hilarious dialogue while still The Suicide Machines will be per- conveying a message about the way By Johnny Buzzerio / HOLLYWOOD RECORDS forming with No Doubt at the Roxy men and women view dating and The Suicide Machines (L to R: Dan Lukacinsky, Jason Navarro, Ryan Vandeberghe, Royce Nunley) fall a little short on April 1. If you don’t already have relationships. This is definitely a on their self-titled third album, but they get a nod for effort. They will open for No Doubt at the Roxy on April 1. tickets, all we can say is…good luck! movie you should consider.
You know my editorial? It’s going to be reprinted in the AJC on Monday... ENTERTAINMENT Technique • Friday, March 17, 2000 • 29 Sonique’s ‘Cry’ more like a whimper By Michael Epstein Sonique had a slew of dance hits. point everything begins to slur to- Something about holy Tuesday? More recently, she has done suc- gether. The album is catchy, but in cessful collaborations with artists such the end it sounds like something Artist: Sonique as Josh Wink and Gusto. All the you’d hear playing in Old Navy. Album: Hear My Cry while, she has been a world-renowned That’s not entirely bad, but not en- Label: Uptown/Universal Records DJ. Now, she has released her first tirely good either. You can have too Genre: Dance full album, Hear My Cry, and used much of a good thing. Tracks: 12 all that she has learned so far in an The two hit singles, “It Feels So Running Time: 51:11 attempt to burst onto the scene. Good” and “I Put A Spell On You”, Rating: yyy Her singles from do little to dis- the album, “It tinguish from the The 90’s were a great time for Feels So Good” rest of the tracks dance and club music no doubt, and “I Put A The album is catchy, on the album. and there’s no reason to think that Spell On You,” but sounds like The only tracks any of that should change in the have already be- that stand out on 00’s (I guess you call them that). come hits and something you’d hear Hear My Cry are Obviously there are an enormous the album itself playing in Old Navy. the two slow amount of artists in the dance mu- went gold in ones, “Drama” sic field, some who are very good only one week. and “Hear My and others not worth the disc they’re But, does that Cry”, and ironi- pressed on. Sonique is yet another really say anything about the quali- cally, Sonique is not the singer on artist who can be placed onto the ty of the album itself? “Drama”. They’re soft and sooth- stack of dance music. I can definitely say that I’m lay- ing, and have all the right moves. Sonique is actually no stranger man when it come to clubs, and not Everything else is good, but not out- to the scene—when she was a teen- much better in the area of dance standing. Unless you are a huge dance ager, she was signed to a record la- music. But I think that I can grow or club fan, you probably will want bel and released a debut single ,“Let to like pretty much any music. Un- to think long and hard before pur- Me Hold You,” which became an fortunately, this album did not fare chasing this disc. Its consistency is By Michael Halsband / UNIVERSAL RECORDS instant hit in the club scene and on well. It suffers from a common prob- not good enough to warrant a full- Musician Sonique is no stranger to the dance music scene, but her new the dance charts. In the early 90’s lem of many dance albums—at some blown recommendation. album, Hear My Cry, is inconsistent in quality and lacking in originality.
...so that I can now get conflicting response from the entire city of Atlanta! 30 • Friday, March 17, 2000 • Technique ENTERTAINMENT 101010101...... 01010 ...Two Bits If you’re like the Two Bits Man, his gal, maybe she’d be out for re- Three: Have a rousing good time enth-graders and four-year-olds. Ev- me of my miracle tonic. I actually you probably don’t think spring break venge. I bet she’d let me get a shirt with the telemarketers. If you’re like eryone in college knows what a kick witnessed this peculiarity over spring was long enough. One week is hardly that reads, “Minnie and Two Bits me, then you find nothing more it is to have a beer (or eight) at the break as the now-graduated Two enough to really chill out from a Man 4Ever.” I’ve said it before; I’ll relaxing on spring break than sleep- local pub with a few friends. But Bits Man of Old and I shared a busy Georgia Tech life, especially if say it again—Florida rocks my face ing late. The only problem is the just think how exciting it is when pitcher with some friends. you have to work during the break off. 10:00 a.m. barrage of calls wanting there are people there who are half Five: Make heavy-artillery with like I did...bad Two Bits man...tell Two: Don’t go to Florida. Okay, you to buy timeshare real estate or your age! Okay, so it’s not very ex- common tabletop goods. It’s a little the voices in your head to stop com- so obviously, you can’t do every- to subscribe to a certain other news- citing. In fact, it downright sucks. known fact that you can make a plaining about working over the thing on the list in one spring break, paper in this city. Nothing is more annoying than try- dandy gun with a packet of sugar break...er uh. There aren’t any voices so you might try not going to Flor- Now, many like to act cruelly to ing to socialize with your fellow col- and a couple drinking straws. While in my head. Honest. Anyhoo, given ida. This is a great idea if you’re one the callers, but you have to remem- lege students over a backdrop of most people attempt to win food the overabundance of things that I of those snobby intellectual types ber that they are just doing their screaming four-year-olds and Britt- fights with juvenile mashed pota- didn’t do, I’m thinking that I should job, so if you must chew someone ney Spears wannabes. toes, people like us need to prove devote this return-to-school edition out, ask to speak to his/her superi- our engineering skill, and that is of Two Bits to things that you should Florida is one of the or. After all, if there’s one societal why the sugar-cannon is such a great have done over spring break. demographic that could use a good invention. Why waste time tossing One: Go to Florida. Sure I real- great cultural centers ole fashioned cussing-out, it’s di- Nothing is more a spoon of spuds five or six feet ize that it’s not the most original of the U.S.—how can rect-marketing middle-managers. annoying than trying when you can squarely nail some- way to spend a spring break, but Now, not being one to waste time, one in the head at twenty feet with nonetheless, it’s a lot of fun. Be- you deny a state that the Two Bits Man doesn’t wait for a to socialize over a that time-honored sweetener? sides, I respect any state that earns has a park devoted to superior. Instead, he seeks therapy backdrop of Furthermore, this is a great way enough sales tax from drunken nudes in a nice chat with the caller in to spend time when you’re bar hop- that they can reduce or eliminate a talking mouse and question. screaming four-year- ping with eleventh-graders and four- (not sure which) income tax. Be- thousands of vendors Caller: Hello Mr. Man. I’m Bob olds and Brittney year-olds. When a squirt blocks your sides, Florida is one of the great with Squeaky Clean Express. We’re way, pull out the sugar packet, and cultural centers of the United of airbrushed t-shirts! going to be in your neighborhood Spears wannabes. watch him flee. Oh, and by the way, States—how can you deny the in- in the next week, and we’d like to the Two Bits man is considerate of trinsic class of a state that has a park offer you reduced-price pressure those unable to consume sugar as devoted to a talking mouse and thou- who has to always find deeper mean- washing. Could we interest you in a Sound unrealistic? I wish it were, part of their diet—saccharin and sands of vendors of airbrushed t- ing in everything. “I scorn Florida, free estimate? but the sad fact is that many parents aspartame work just peachy as well. shirts, those 15 dollar tributes to scorn them I do!” you proclaim as Me: Absolutely, but I have to let their kids occupy space in bars Yes, with a little imagination, haute couture? you object to the meaningless of ask what kind of chemicals you use that could be used for those of us any spring break can be exciting, Ideally, you can even combine current cinema. Sitting at home and in your pressure washing. You see, I who are old enough. This is partic- even if you can’t manage to escape those two cultural phenomena into objecting to the wanton commer- live in a cardboard box, and some ularly upsetting to me now that the Atl. Just remember: If the Two one classy purchase; I can see it now: cialism is not only a dandy way to cleaning agents damage the glue. PETA has published that impor- Bits Man hasn’t been arrested yet, “Mickey and Jenny 4Ever.” Ooh, make new friends over Spring Break, Have you ever tested your service tant press release about how beer is then odds are you won’t either. Until that’s dying to be airbrushed onto a but it also costs less than the Florida on a corrugated card...
Get in touch 5 x 7
Did you notice the space theme of my front page this week? It was unintentional, I swear.