News Felix 931 18 March 1992 Ball Aid CCU Executive Petition 'The London Ball' will take'place Next year's executives of the Royal Lee. A petition is circulating Evelyn at Wembley on the 4th April. College of Science Union (RCSU) In the RSMU, Paul Holmes has Gardens addressed to Gordon Organised in benefit of the and Royal School Mines Union been elected President, Rebecca Marshall and all the Heads of 'Terrence Higgins Trust' by the (RSMU) have been elected. They Fraser Vice President, Boris Departments. It complains about the West London Institute of Higher are as follows: Plukofski Honorary Secretary. poor state of the College halls, the Education, it will cost £30. Tickets RCSU President: Paul Thomas, Duncan Walker is Sports Officer, time taken to make repairs, and the are available from the Wembley Vice President: Flemming Heino, Marianne Davies and Gina Mortley fact that a number of students had Box office (081 900 1234) or the Honorary Secretary: Adrian are Ball Officers and the Newsletter been threatened with legal action for London Ball Hotline (081 579 Treverton, Honarary Junior Editors will be Andrew Pennington non-payment of rent when it 8887). Treasurer: Emma Holmes, and Richard Rowe. actually had been paid. Academic Affairs Officer: Sarah This follows a similar petition in Southside Halls which gathered 150 Malaise Warwick Palatable signatures. Sir Eric Ash, the Rector of Imperial College, has been The Student Union elections rerun The Deputy President Services of Outrage suffering from Malaria since at Warwick University, reported in Durham University's Student returning from a trip to India three Felix last week, have produced Union, Mat Wrigley, has been Students at Lillian Penson Hall weeks ago. He has received hospital exactly the same results as three elected as next year's editor of their (LPH), a London University treatment but has been seen in weeks ago. The elections for sixteen student newspaper 'Palatinate.' intercollegiate hall of residence, are College this week and is believed posts were annulled after the Surprise has been expressed that 'an in 'outrage' about the proposed to be recovering. Labour club overspent by £31.40 on employee of the union who is no 11 % increase in rent. This is a its campaign, (see Felix 929) and longer a student' could be allowed higher increase than any other such speculation was rife that the post of to stand, and there are reservations residence and follows cutbacks in President might change hands. A that Mr Wrigley could be all its services. Claims of The Bill student at Warwick summed up the compromised in holding both 'mismanagement' amongst LPH whole affair as 'a complete waste positions. The situation has arisen administrators have led to demands Queen Mary and Westfield College of time and money.' because nobody else has stood for that an outside body should study Student Union may be charged In a separate development, the the post, which is non-sabbatical. its accounts. (London Student, £14,000 by its College as payment Editor of the Warwick student This might mean that the 44 year University of London) for the occupation of the College newspaper, The Warwick Boar, old paper would have to cease buildings it organised in January. faced a motion of censure over publication for the first time since The occupation was in protest claims that the coverage of the its inception.(Palatinate, Durham Oxford against a number of College election was biased. University) management policies and was Oxford University Students Union considered to be a success. have elected their new sabbaticals. Although Cub, the newspaper of the The sabbs were elected on a party college, reported that this was a low New Elections political basis, as are most National fine in comparison with other Union of Students (NUS) affiliated unions who organised occupations, Nominations reopened on Monday (Biochem 3), a member of the ICU Student Union elections. After the members of the Union said that they 16th March for the post of Ents team. count had been announced, Vicki would be 'disgusted' if the fine went Honorary Secretary (Events) after Dominic Wilkinson is being Howe decided to take the ahead. New Election won the post in the proposed by Graham Lawton, Ents Presidency, Nigel Huddleston took sabbatical elections last week. Chair, and Toby Jones is proposed Welfare and Elliot Wallace took The papers will stay up across the by Chris Stapleton (Aero 3). Adrian Vice President (Finance). (Oxford Mascotry Easter Holidays until Friday 27th Edwards (Maths 2) has no proposer Student, Oxford University) March. Hustings will be held in the as yet. In addition, Richard A report in the latest issue of Casey Union Bar at 6.00pm on Thursday Harrison, the present DramSoc L. of King's College London, 30th April with voting on 5th and President, is standing for the post details the raids on the City and 6th May. At the time of writing of SCAB Chair (Social, Cultural IC 1st Guilds Union and Mines Union three candidates have put their and Amusements Board), Peter (RSMU) offices in which Spanner, names up. They are Adrian Collins is standing for SCAB TEAM P W D L F A Pts Chem Eng 3 3 0 33 10 9 Bolt and Davy were kidnapped. The Edwards (Maths 2), Toby Jones Honorary Secretary, and Darren Italian 3 2 0 1 16 1 1 6 Pakistan 1 2 0 0 8 21 0 report states that Davy will be (Elec Eng 3), who was a candidate Holmes and Peter Stanley are Computing 2 0 0 0 1 5 0 returned when Tim Cotton, RSMU for Felix Editor in the previous standing for SCAB treasurer GROUP 2 TEAM P w D L F A Pts president, learns to lose elections and Dominic Wilkinson ICFC 2 3 3 0 46 12 9 gracefully.' Mr Cotton told Felix Malaysian 1 3 2 0 1 25 25 6 Snooker 2 3 1 0 22 28 3 that he was fed up with the whole Bridge Club 3 0 0 17 4b 0 affair, which was, in his view, a GROUP 3 Obituary TEAM P W D L F A Pts breach of a mascotry moriatorium Cvpriots 3 3 0 24 13 9 Islamic Soc 1 3 2 0 1 25 14 3 and which also resulted in the Andrew Fanshawe, a one time climbing whilst a student at IC, and Sinqapore 3 1 0 1 7 20 3 demolition of the RSMU office student in the Royal School of in 1984 he led an expedition with Sri Lankan 3 0 0 12 31 0 GROUP 4 door. Mines, died this week in a climbing a team from Imperial to Ecuador, TEAM P W D L F A Pts Snooker 1 3 3 0 27 18 9 accident on the Eagle Ridge of making the first ascent of the West Sikh 1 3 2 0 1 16 16 6 Lochnager in the Cairngorms. He Ridge of Altar Caldera. He will also Indian 3 1 0 27 20 3 Malavslan 2 3 0 0 2 1 7 0 was 28. Error be remembered for his 1986 GROUP 5 expedition to traverse the twin TEAM P W D L F A Pts Andrew, who attended IC from Lebanese 1 3 3 0 15 8 9 The Frank and Walters gig for April 1981-84 studying mining geology, summits of Chogolisa in the Sikh 2 3 2 0 1 37 17 6 Islamic 2 3 1 0 15 18 3 3rd billed on page 24 has been has been described as 'arguably the Karakoram. He leaves behind his IC SEDS 2 0 0 8 2 9 0 'relocated' from the advertised most outstanding young British wife, Caroline, who is also a GROUP 6 TEAM P w D L F A Pts venue. The new venue has not been climber to have emerged' since the climber. ICFC 1 2 2 0 37 7 6 Lepanese 2 2 1 0 1 9 12 3 made known. mid-Eighties. He began mountain Pakistani 2 2 0 0 2 5 32 0 18 March 1992 Felix 931 News Badly Tackled Up,up and Away

After a case of alleged indecent accusations of sexual assault were Changes in the rents in Imperial consider inflation to be around 5%. exposure during the Imperial false. College Halls will be announced on Jonathan Griffiths, IC Union College Rugby Football Club Mr Montgomery claimed that April 30th. in the first week of the Deputy President, is at present (ICRFC) dinner last Wednesday. many inaccurate accusations had summer term. conducting negotiations with the Ian Richards, the Snack Bar been levelled at the Rugby Club this It is believed that the rent Estates Division of college. He told Manager has lodged an official year. He continued by saying that increases will be kept to the rate of iCNN that no increase in rent would complaint to the Union Disciplinary Zoe Hellinger, ICU President, had inflation. Mr Angus Fraser, IC be acceptable this year. Committee. told him she wished to make an Managing Director, is reported to The complaint concerns the example of the Rugby Club and alleged verbal and sexual abuse of stamp out sexism once and for all temporary staff hired by the Union at Imperial. by members of the ICRFC. As a Ms Hellinger later confirmed that result of the behaviour, the kitchens she would take proceedings 'all the in the Union were closed early and way' at the disciplinary committee staff left with out clearing up after to be held next term. She added that the dinner in protest. it was 'unacceptable' that Andrew Montgomery, ICRFC supposedly intelligent men treated Captain, admitted there had been a the Union as a 'spit and sawdust case of indecent exposure but said joint.' that it took place during speeches As no one has been identified in when serving staff should not have connection with the incidents, the been in the room. He said that the Union has decided to take each comments were 'good humoured individual present at the Rugby and well intentioned' and that these Club Dinner through the were 'pissed idiots ideas of a disciplinary process. Anyone who compliment.' Mr Montgomery is found guilty by the disciplinary added that he was surprised that the committee could face a fine or ban staff took such offence and that from Imperial College Union. Sports Refit

Imperial College Union has been College management want to take asked to pay £650,000 towards the money from the Trust as an interest redevelopment of the Sports Centre free loan and ICU is rumoured to by Imperial College. find this option unacceptable. Imperial College management Sources in the Union say that they wish to take the money out of the wish to lend the money to College Princess Anne, Chancellor of the University of London, visited Imperial Harlington Trust. This is £2.7 at standard Bank base rates or have College on Tuesday 10th March, to open the a new Interdisciplinary million produced by the selling of a controlling stake in the way the Research Centre (IRC) in the Chemical Engineering Department. The gravel found under the College Sports Centre is run. Centre for Process Systems Engineering has been functioning since August sports ground at Harlington. The 1989 and is deemed to be the biggest IRC so far. Car Parking Sports Refund

Director of Estates. Mr Gordon had already decided to privatise the It has been rumoured this week that not be refunded because "it would Marshall, said yesterday that car park, and that tenders had been college staff will receive a refund be too difficult to administer.' proposals for the future of the advertised for and accepted while of up to £10 on their yearly sports Ms Osner has been on holiday College car park would soon be the messenger and security centre membership fees. this week and therefore unavailable finalised. Speaking to iCNN, Mr negotiations were continuing. Ms Caroline Osner. IC Sports to comment on the rumours, as has Marshall said 'we are still working The delay in reaching a decision and Leisure Manager, is believed to Mr Rob Coleman, Sports Centre on it. and I hope we will know has been due to management have said that a refund may be given Manager. Ms Val Straw, IC where we are going fairly soon.' 'considering the legality' of the to all IC staff, reducing membership Facilities Manager, and Director of The future of the College car park proposals on the table, according to costs to £24. This compares to the Estates, Mr Gordon Marshall, were first came into question with the Mr Marshall. This is taken as annual student fee of £18, but it was also both unavailable for comment. opening of negotiations on the referring to problems with rumoured that student money would future of the Messenger, Security corporation tax. Late last year, and Car Parking services last college unions accused Mr Marshall November. Following the day of of misleading negotiators on Room with a Queue action on December 4th. the whether corporation tax was due if the car park were kept as part of the Rector, Sir Eric Ash, asked unions After last minute negotiations the the week only 14 rooms had been security service. Unions regarded to consider the car park's future as number of rooms provided for provided. This is a reduction from Mr.Marshall's stance then as an separate from that of the Messenger storage in Southside Halls over the usual number of 16 rooms. and Security services. ' attempt to force privatisation of the Easter has been increased. Due to Miss Nicky Fox, ICU Housing entire service. Questions were also With the signing of the contract large block bookings for officer, is believed to have asked about the car park profit awarding the Messenger and conferences many people will have renegotiated the position so the full figures put forward by Mr Security services in house now to move from their rooms over 16 rooms could be used. At present Marshall. Sources claimed that his imminent, attention has turned to Easter. This has provided an 10 rooms in Linstead and 3 in figures were inaccurate to the tune the car park. Fears had been increase in the amount of storage Weeks Hall are to be used for of £75.000. expressed that College management required, but until the beginning of storage.

— 3 — Letters Felix 931 18 March 1992

time at the Hustings on 2nd March. Mary's obviously don't like the 5. Felix editors were heavily There are a number of points I truth either. slated for the newspapers' lack of would like to pick up from the front 3. When Mr Gardini suggested interest in Mary's affairs. Mary's article of Felix 929. that St Mary's students should come Look at last week's issue. Three 1. Mary's students believed that to IC Union office when they had articles about Mary's plus the cover Dear Adam, the candidates' interest in Mary's problems, he was asked why. he story. Elections affairs was due simply to the could not come to St Mary's Union Felix reporters have enough Let me start by stating that St election. office. trouble covering IC alone. Perhaps Mary's College Union is a CCU of This is most probably true. When Who do Mary's students think if Mary's made a contribution (or Imperial, originally they were an the colleges merged Mary's wanted they are? When other CCU three) to Felix they would provide individual unit but had to merge to retain its autonomy from IC and members have problems does Zoe a coverage of Mary's affairs. with other London colleges in they themselves have little or no have to go to their CCU office to It seems that Mary's students recent years to prevent closure. interest in IC or its students. So why help them. No. So why should resent their link with IC, and Imperial gave them the support and should we have an interest in them. Mary's be any different? although they have five year they became our fourth constituent 2. Candidates were ridiculed 4. On the topic of beer prices courses, they should not be so quick college. when they claimed they had an being cut: to criticise those who are prepared St Mary's students should active interest in St Mary's. Mary's again show there to give up a year of their life to give therefore be most greateful to our What else could they say after separation from IC by having their something back to the union. They Union for without us they would not being reminded that Ben Turner, own licence. Our Deputy President should remember if it wasn't for exist. the last candidate to say Mary's was would have no say over their prices, people like these candidates Mary's How is it then that they gave our unimportant, was defeated at first but is he not their DP too? would not exist. electorial candidates such a hard ballot. Apparently not. Lorna Mount ford, Physics I.

comment on a drama production it being the first night as an excuse. and resent the comment in a letter It is the first night that makes or in Felix 928 claiming that the breaks a production—not many get Spilt Grease review was 'sheer fiction'. a second chance. 3. Apart from the monetary I will take a great interest in Dear Adam, I'm at it I think I'll make a few aspect of the review I stand by it future Dramsoc productions and So many weeks after the original points: completely as a fair, not a bad, will certainly review them if I am incident I feel I should speak up 1. The figure of £8,000 was the review. able. I have high standards—that once again. Yes, I am the principal one being described as the cost of 4.1 know a lot of work went into will never change. co-writer of the infamous Grease the DramSoc production at that time Grease and I congratulate those Yours sincerely, review. by senior members of the Union. I involved for uniting the college over David Henderson-Begg. It has been suggested that I should cannot help being mis-informed. the week. P.S. Advert: 1 bodyguard 'own up' to writing this review to 2. Having been involved behind 5. It is a shame that the review required to protect theatrical encourage more of the people the scenes and on the stage of had to take place on the first night reviewer from irate society. Must responsible for removing the theatrical productions both amateur as, I hear, the final nights were be 6'6" and heavily trained in the Felices to own up as well. While and professional I feel well able to excellent. However, I cannot accept use of firearms and martial arts.

tasted, though, remembered, been there is only a bland connection. doing and been motivated. This There connections I referred to as Reality loop I presume gives consciousness. a tree. The tree as it is presented to While I am doing this my actions us really is lifeless. Play the 'why' Dear Adam. space is not Reality but reality. This have already been chosen and game as I call it. Make a statement In reply to Samin Ishtiaq, Felix is why people argue so hopelessly, without feedback will commence. and question the meaning of 928. reality has as many versions as there This indeed gets experimental iteratively. Eventually you will end For whatever reasons, if I are observers while Reality is the results. My conscious knowledge up with a tautology. Try it one the understand you correctly, my common template. In the respect and thoughts have no value except questions you asked 'Why does O- intended meaning has been that the template, the perceptions in the context of this processing I space exist?'. I will start you 'what hopelessly distorted. I understand are different there is duplication know nothing about. I cannot argue does exist mean?' I think and that as with all philosophies, though no equation. for or against 'a price' knowledge therefore I am 'should be your final understanding relies very much on To understand how reality and other than to say the hardcore and tautology'. being able to associate ones own Reality are related a mechanical therefore meaning is genetically As for 'idealistic' what do you ideas with that being read. I description of perception is defined while the picture is want—how can any consciously presume the model I presented is of required. If the brain is the machine environmentally stimulted, denied model not be idealistic? fundamental difference to that held we can localise attention. There is measuring the existence of reality. Returning to Reality how much by Samin. I do not intend to clutter xxx (illegible—TS) no way my Since the meaning is genetically have we insisted if our conscious the pages of Felix with detailed brain can support an artificial defined the way we perceive the appears to be sensibly defined by a descriptions of my own ideas but if reality, Alva-space, in which my world and all the questions and 'machine' which is only a tiny part Samin is interested, I shall try to brain is accurately modelled. I do answers have already been of Reality. To truly know every clarify my original article. however have a subjective model. fundamentally defined. However it facet of Reality in unquestionable To begin with there is a critical 1 know I have a subconscious which will take the rest of human existence terms to really know what things are typing error. The fifth line should I know little about which controls (until the next fundamental change you would have to escape from read 'One version I will call reality, many of my actions including the in brain patterns by evolution) to Observer space and become the other O-space'. Reality is hard processing involved in explore our minds and mental make Reality. up—both science and art. hypothetical space in which all perception. My perception of how P.S. Observer space must be a things really do exist'. O-space is neural networks work really does Turning to logic, our brains part of Reality too. O's perception of this the space in describe 'message' simplification present to us a model of the world To conclude if this is all too much which things exist (the real chose many modes leads to an on composed of definite units—can you there are plenty more hypothesis on definition) since two people can or off response. Having processed relate this. Each unit has an existence but are all mentally boring have a concept of existence we my information inputs I then have irrational common sense relation to as they just label huge categories extrapolate the state of Reality. to process the patterns in this all the others. This meaning is I 'unknowable' e.g. God. However this misunderstanding I hardcore to have knowledge of what presume the work of our minds and I hope this is clearer. I have seen. felt, heard, smelt. am trying to show is that observer therefore with 'reason', but to us Alva Gosson. Zoology 3.

— 4 — 18 March 1992 Felix 931 Letters BitChWord 2 Accommodation Dear Adam. hopefully the defect will be dealt by Toot, Murph and the Bastard I would like to correct part of with. Declan Curry's article. 'This Old -If no action appears to have been House' in last week Felix (929). taken after a few more days, the The inaccurancy concerns the resident should contact either procedure for reporting defects in Graham Daniels or Pat Miller, the Halls of Residence. I have discussed Residence Managers (ext 3553) and this with both Gordon Marshall and they will find out what is causing Graham Daniels, and the correct the delay and make sure that the sequence of events for a resident to defect is corrected. follow is: It is also important to let the -Report the defect to the housekeepers know when the defect housekeeper who will inform the has been fixed to avoid any Maintenance Group in the Sherfield unnecessary work for them in Building. The fault is logged on the chasing up the maintenance group. computer system and given an If any resident does not wish to incident number. The maintenance contact the Residence Managers group will then fix the defect. personally, they can put a note -If after a few days however, the detailing the problem in my fault has not been corrected, the pigeonhole in the Union Office and resident should go back to the I will contact either Pat or Graham housekeeper to ensure that the fault on their behalf. has been logged correctly. The Nicky Fox, housekeeper will contact the Union Housing Officer. maintenance group again and It Never Rains

Dear Adam. think it is an unfair slur on the Yet again Felix has failed to management to suggest it. Across Down research its information properly. Martyn Reynolds, Physics 3, 1 am refering to the article by I Back and forth with Imperial 1 Twisted Tory tension, I hear.(7) Catherine Tombs, ME 3. Declan Curry in last week's Felix P.S. All the showers were College five times.(5) 2 Dead language of life.(5) which states the showers at disconnected last Wednesday. 5 A crime a landmass could 3 Rage can cause extensive Clayponds leak. As a resident of P.P.S. The baths still work break. (7) slaughter.(7) Clayponds I can assure you they do though—if you're lucky. 9 Sounds like a bookkeeper of 4 Alternatively all but the not. not even one of them, and I acknowledged debts, infamous in ugly...(4,2.3) celluloid. (9) 5 ...in mass escape of fools?(5) 10 The clue comes out in mixed 6 Stoned envy.(7) peel. (5) 7 One minister terminates Postgraduate Affairs trespassing twice.(9) II Sounds like the spicy Western Dear Mr Harrington, Research Council quota award to 8 Artificial Intelligence guided from State I love.(7) As a member of staff much the Department, complications the rear.(5) 12 He ran quickly around a woman concerned with postgraduate studies may, of course, arise but they are and bridged the gap.(7) 14 Rent again and again.(2-7) both at College and University not insurmountable in this context. 13,15 Is there no end to the 16 Wet wet wets.(9) level, I would endorse many of One's overriding fear in this 18 Part of new testament melee.(7) sightless.(5,5,4) Chris Riley's comments in Felix, matter is, however, that comments 17 I give up.(9) 19 Vince on his plot.(7) Issue 928, and see no reason why such as those of Chris Riely may be 19 One hundred years older.(5) 20 Derek and Edward are shortly he should be so contrite, issue 929, used as ammunition by some to 21 Understand vile bee.(7) to be wiped out in France.(7) because some of his associates stand yet another worthy aspect of 23 Enlarge a non-specific 21 A verb with guts?(5) apparently over-reacted; maybe academic life on its head for no soldier.(7) 22 Finish with Edward.(5) they had reason. The problems are good reason. There is no doubt that 25 Atomic energy makes the 24 Rushes out to buy books.(5) not unique to this College: they are there have been numerous preludes internal conflict known.(5) found throughout London to this and postgraduate training has 26 Threesome involved in University, are fairly common and hitherto been spared only because maddening harm.(9) VerbosenWort sometimes severe. of the intense focus on 27 The big one from Play School, Last week's 'answers' Difficulties arise because undergraduate studies. A few timely after power shortage.(7) postgraduates are often unaware of and intelligently applied constraints 28 Eric in capital form becomes a their rights and supervisors of their and adjustments are all that is really short editor, carefully fitted in.(5) responsibilities—there is a fine line required to bring about the Toot, Murph and the Bastard between neglect and giving a necessary improvements. May I postgraduate enough inependence to advise my colleagues to start by would like to take this reach academic maturity. reading, or re-reading, 'Research opportunity to disclaim all University regulations, for Student and Supervisor—an example, allow a postgraduate, with approach to good supervisor responsibility for last weeks reasonable justifications, to change practice' issued by the SERC (June, crossword; 'VerbosenWort'. their supervisor; this can occur with 1989); these were once obtainable or without the consent of the from the Registry. It's composer, 'Exfemused', supervisor. If the student's support Yotirs sincerely, has met a fitting end. He now is tied in some way to the A.G. Dickerson (Dr), supervisor, as opposed to a Biochemistry. works at Burger King.

— 5 — Letters Felix 931 18 March 1992 Politically Correct Corruption Dear Adam. r-» A ANM Felix_ .. , I was greeted with a cartoon Dear Adam, have been candidates in the past, This letter is essentially one of that depicted me as a drunk, racist I am writing this letter to that were just friends with the re- apology; both to a specific yob. This was quite interesting elucidate upon the corruption of the apps and no one else. They were individual, and to anyone offended coming from someone who doesn't re-app selection system in some also very irresponsible, having had by the last issue of Broadsheet. In even know me personally. I may be halls of residence, as it is about that several warnings from the wardens that issue, the word, 'niggerbasher' a generally unpleasant person, but time of year again, and I would like over the year. But these people was printed in an article, in relation I am none of these things (not to my the Wardens not to be led again this were chosen and became re-apps to the aforementioned individual. knowledge, anyway). However, the year as they have in previous years. because they were 'popular' as far The use of the word was an 'in- artist was entirely within their rights The point is that the re-apps are as the re-apps were concerned. joke' related to an entirely innocent to criticise, and apart from the selected by a committee of wardens Popular people are not always the incident that occurred on an RCS libellous nature of it, the cartoon and subwardens with the advice of best people for the job. All I ask is Rag Tour two years ago. contained valid points. When I the current re-apps. There in, lies that this year the wardens look Regrettably, to anyone who is not edited the article in question, I the problem, since it is usually the through the cliquey 'friends' system familiar with the joke (i.e. failed to remove the offending current re-apps 'best friends' who that is currently in operation, and practically everyone), it would word. Perhaps a more competent are picked. good luck this year if you have seem that the person was being editor would not have overlooked OK these people may be applied. glorified for his prowess in beating this. 'popular', but the point is that there Name witheld by request. up racial minorities. This has On the whole, I would rather be already resulted in a threat of incompetent than racist. violence towards him. averted only Yours. by careful explanation. I would like David Coddard, to apologise to him for this and any Broadsheet Editor 91-92. Union unjustified damage to his reputation LETTERS P.S. Although this letter is this may have caused. I also actually a sincere apology, I Deadline: apologise to anyone who was quite imagine that there are a number of Stuff rightly offended or disturbed by Monday 12.30pm, before zealots who will not be happy unless what they considered a racist the Friday of publication I am thrown out of college for some comment in print. Place: perceived lack of Political Well, hopefully elections are over, Upon reading the last issue of Correctness. depending upon how the UGM Editor's pigeonhole in the went yesterday. Next week is the Felix Office final week of term. There's free Format: Dodgy Videos music on Monday night, the Addressed to the Editor collosal bar quiz on Wednesday at i.e. 'Dear Editor', or Dear Adam, called perverted in some cases. 8pm int he Lounge Bar. This This is only a short letter but I Would anyone here agree that it is week's categories are sport, Blue 'Dear Adam', not to any feel I must follow up on Jon moral to sentence an author to death Peter and Coronation Street. third party. All letters Jordan's letter in Felix 929. Whilst for exercising his right to free Ents discos are on Wednesday should be signed by the I agree that '...such thinking can speech? and Friday. Jazz and Rock also take author and authorship never solve man's problems', my What humanists seek is to base over the Concert Hall on Friday should be proved to a aim is not to discuss the (in)validity their morals on rational grounds as night. In the JCR there are records member of Felix Staff by of the good concept but to put him opposed to the interpretation of and sports gear sales on Monday the production of an right on his last comment on 'Holy Scriptures'. and Tuesday. identity card/union card. Humanism. Humanists most As regards '...dodgy videos', Enjoy your last week of term. definitely do not lack moral values. well, to each his own I suppose. Cheers, Steve. Authorship can be Religions do not have a monopoly Certainly selling such videos is not withheld by request. on morals. Morals from religion are a tenet of Humanism. Finally—any nominations for Social Letters will NOT be often, at best, riddled with G Maskail, Physics 2. Colours should be given to me by published if authorship has inconsistencies and could even be 3.30pm next Friday. not been proved. Bailey on the Fox

Dear Adam, many of these people would other hangers on, go%out shooting banned and foxes would be replaced It is some time since I have criticise fox hunting if it was the wild stag and pheasants. with the animal liberation front, the written to you, but I felt I must write past time of ethnic minorities and If they want to chase and kill IRA and Jacques Delors. I'd even on the issue of fox hunting. Before not a British tradition. They'd thick, second rate forms of life, why pay good money to see these and since Kevin McNamara's bill probably be the very same people don't they start with Di and her free undesirables ripped apart by was thrown out in parliament, a hell who'd attack critics for being racist! loading sisters in law, Fergie. hounds. Unfortunately this system of a lot of nonsense has been written I must admit that I do find killing Lets not hear all this cant and has about as much chance of being and spoken on this subject. Being animals solely for sport distasteful. nonsense about fox hunting keeping enforced as getting a smile out of a landowner the only foxes I know I wonder what goes through the down the number of foxes. It does the women who serve in the are those that rip open black rubbish minds of these silly people in stupid nothing to control numbers. In fact Southside Shop. bags that inefficient councils red coats. There toffs gather the Isle of Wight did not have a fox Yours as always. dustman leave behind. together, have a couple of sherries problem until foxes were introduced Alan Bailey Foxes are vermin. No better than and have a 'jolly' good time. I bet for the sole purpose of hunting. PS Who was that total moron who rats. I sometimes fell that I couldn't you would find a large number of Why don't they just admit they love wrote that crap about the IC football give a toss whether they are ripped them wearing the same school tie! chasing things and killing them? team? If this cretin actually went apart by dogs, killed humanely or However you can 'understand' why Why don't they just tell the and watched the teams play they'd gunned down by the SAS provided they do this. This lot are just antihunting lobby to sod off? see how much dedication and effort that they do kill them. If they took emulating the example given to I'm often criticised for being too is put into playing. Who knows, a few domestic dogs with them who them by the Royal family. You see inflexible but I have come up with Felix might even then support crap all over the pavement, all the the Duke of Edinburgh and all the a solution to this problem. Under something the students do! better. However I wonder how my system fox hunting would be

— 6 — 18 March 1992 Felix 931 News Review

The Christmas holiday, and Marshall wrote casting doubts on switching from subtraction to holidays in general, are a bonanza the loyalty of long serving staff, the addition. for hacks and fixers. Yet, come the City and Guilds Dean, Professor The irony was not lost that the 6th of January, when all return to Bruce Sayers, hit back. T draw you man who wanted privatisation and the beer garden that is IC, the attention to the brutality, no an end to union influence will journos bounce back, fresh with impertinence, of Gordon Marshall probably go from the college before cynicism, asking, 'OK, what fast ... writing of the anticipated the union negotiators. It could, of one have they pulled this time?'. 'loyalty' of bought in contract course, be argued that he should The 'they' is both the Ashite personnel. (This is) not the only ill- have gone earlier. Such a policy managers and the Union bods, who conceived component, there are switch would have intimidated work with a similarity so close that even greater stupidities. These most. His selective amnesia could they deny it, even though both factory floor manoeuvres are yet put considerable distance teams have jugglers. To prove the wholly unworthy of IC.' between his actions and their point, just when you thought it was At this point, the Rector, sensing consequences. safe to leave the beer garden, and defeat, jumped back on the fence, In an interesting aside, how that Felix was no more, it's back, so that Uncle Eric could come along closely did you read 'The Survey'? with a look back (in anger? and sort out a little difficulty in 'our (Felix 928). Keith Reynolds, Chief contempt? amazement? community'. However, the Security Officer, worked in the drunkenness?) at the iCNN news this term. The first fast one was the Sherfield Five (Ash, Fraser, Spring News Review Reynolds, Straw, Marshall) trying to fix up the Messenger, Security and Car Parking privatisation before anyone could notice.

the academics, sensing blood, were in full flight

However, the plans rapidly came unstuck, or even noticed, so this term, the 'Quick Release Ball and Chain' award goes to Gordon Marshall, Head of Estates, for his rapid about-face on the proposals. The original document suggesting a review of security was published Strikers gather outside the Rector's house on Queensgate during the Security & Messenger dispute. on 19 April 1991, by Facilities Manager, Val Straw. By the time Governing Body had cottoned on to media industry before he came to Gordon Marshall had re-drafted it what the Ashites had done, and sent Imperial. Val Straw, Facilities Declan Curry, on 27 September, the document the Rector away with a firm slap on Manager, came from the read, 'in the light of this further the wrist. 'The Rector was charged communications industry. That's review, it is considered necessary directly with looking at the two out of five, though they aren't of the Imperial and desirable to pursue a radically problems of communication.' And the only ones. According to London different staffing strategy.' How that was something he couldn't Weekend Television, Simon College News radical? How different? Read on. contract out. Westerman, Catering Manager, it is proposed that staffing below So it came to pass that the worked as one of their contract the management/secretary level 'negotiations' (sic) continued on caterers. London Weekend Network should utilise uniformed contract into term two. After some Television recently contracted out staff.' And whose signature was on confusion, agreement was reached their security services, to the the front of the new radical on 7th February between the Head unions, who set up a small (iCNN), collates document? Gordon Marshall. of Estates and the Unions on an in- company, and made a small profit 'Privatisation', said the unions. house settlement. The security into the bargain. What was the 'Outsourcing', said the Rector. service was improved, savings were name of the union negotiator? the major issues 'You're sacked', said Marshall, to made, and the unions kept most of Somebody Snow, I think. all Security, Messenger and Car their members in work. More plaudits for Gordon of this term so Park staff. The academics, sensing Keeping them in line was a Marshall, and the Estates division, blood, were in full flight, '...the different job. There was a bit of and this time the consequences of new style of management could be grumbling about a sell out, but actions are already beginning to far inappropriate for an academic apparently the union leaders got the show. The 'Dripping Dodgy institution ... the style is in fact go ahead to sign. But sign they Drainpipe' goes to the maintenance more akin to imposition', wrote the didn't. The calculators on Sherfield section of Estates. In a set piece Chairman of the Academic Staff are still getting stuck on their sums. example of crisis management, the Committee. When Gordon Maybe they are having difficulty dripping Clayponds showers were

— 7 — News Review Felix 931 18 March 1992 cured by disconnecting the water would not necessarily be able to business beds, the Student will be made available,' said supply. Hygiene optional. For all stay in their rooms, and would be Accommodation Office was doing Sheelagh Crampton, the other problems, see the last moved to 'non- business areas', its best to count the number of Accommodation and Conference edition of Felix. The Ashites are so areas not used for the conference student beds that would be needed Manager. Not so. Two students badly rattled this time that the article period. But what if you wanted to over Easter. 'We need students to came on IC Radio as late as last 'This Old House' was discussed at stay in your own room? Then you help us to help them', they told- Friday to complain about the lack the College House Committee last could prepare yourself to pay iCNN, who weren't game for a of storage. 'Notices were put up to tell us officially that we were going to be given five storage rooms for 161 people living in Falmouth Keogh Hall ... Graham Daniels (Area Residences Manager, responsible for storage) has said that

prepare yourself to pay business rates

he's not going back on his decision, and the 5 storage rooms are standing. He's not going to give us any more, and whatever we do is not going to affect his decision, so One of the most boring pictures ever used for a Felix front cover. The Farranted Piano we do intend to lead a peaceful week, and in great detail. Watch business rates. laugh. Then Conferences seemed to protest across the park to outside 15 this space. By the following morning, Felix get their act together. Anothei Prince's Gardens in the next few An offshoot of Estates is the had put a figure on this, a mere £18 statement: 'Blocks of rooms in days ... residents in FK feel pretty Conference and Accommodation a day. This was greeted with Southside, Linstead and Weeks strongly about this, and there are Office, who get the 'Judge Pickles' outrage by students and others, Halls will be set aside for business enough people in hall willing to award for their grip on reality. provoking a barrage of letters from use, while the remaining rooms will protest about it, we're willing to do Using the old 'give an inch, seize Accommodation & Conferences, be free for student use. Students something about it.' a mile' approach, they decided to which served to muddy the waters will not have to pay business rates.' A group willing to get up and do increase still further the number of completely. Indeed, two weeks So how many business rooms did something are the entrepreneurial rooms allocated to the conference later, IC Radio reported, they actually need? 'Er, we're not thieves who have exploited the season, completely oblivious to the 'controversy still reigns over the quite sure.' 'walk-in crime' at the college. Prize recession. Completely oblivious to the purpose of student accommodation as well. And indeed to the extent of the student backlash. Such was the ferocity of the counter attack that the rarely spotted 'management

entrepreneurial thieves have exploited the 'walk-in crime' at the college

retreating in full flight' was observed in its natural state - panic. With panic came confusion. The left office didn't know what the right office was doing. Members of the House of Commons Select Committee on Education, Science and Arts, who visited The story broke on STOIC on Imperial in January 30th January, during a live claims printed in Felix on the 31 What about storage space for of place goes to the Turkish interview with Loretto January that students could be those evicted or leaving voluntarily? research assistant who needs no O'Callaghan, Student charged £18 a day for staying in Evelyn Gardens residents were told awards from us. He's already got Accommodation Officer, who told their room over Easter'. that they could leave their a nine month sentence, and a David Henderson Begg that While Accommodation and belongings packed in their rooms, deportation order to look forward applicants for Easter Conferences were busy with then that they couldn't, then that to. In a canny move, he not only accommodation in Prince's Gardens damage limitation and counting they could. 'Adequate storage space talked his way round the security

— 8 — 18 March 1992 Felix 931 News Review staff at the Royal School of Mines, 'Neighbourhood Watch' award this he also talked them into helping him term goes to IC DramSoc, for their load a van with the stolen careful policing of what was written equipment. He was only caught about them. Assisting the when he returned the following day distribution of a two page glory and was recognised by Deputy spread about them, and then Security Chief, Terry Briley. The thieving a not-so complementary reason the man was recognised was review, their policing tended to be because he was sacked from the a tad Stalinist, and according to the School last October for a similar Independent newspaper, Stalinism operation. The security epidemic is in danger of making Felix look like a according to the Metropolitan Police charge sheet. On January 17, over 20 thefts since Independent the start of the year had been reported. Stolen items included Newspaper, wallets, cash, cheque books, two fax machines, a stereo hi-fi system, Stalinism is the compact disc player, miniature television, mountain bike, his and favourite sport her towel set, 24 piece dinner set, cuddly toy. The bike thefts of IC President prompted a visit from Inspector Knacker of the Yard, in the forms Zoe Hellinger of PCs Colman and Law, who security coded cycles in the is the favourite sport of IC Sherfield building. President, Zoe Hellinger. Zoe gets The Union building fared no this term's 'Catch Me If You Can' better. £10,000 worth of trophies award. After the removal (sic) of were stolen during the first week, the Fallacies, she told IC Radio that with a flood in the Chemistry and IC Radio reported the Union she knew nothing. She added, Firemen were called in connection building in February President, Zoe Hellinger, as 'there are a lot of words going implying an inside job. Inside Beit round that it is Grease, it may have Felices on Friday the 31st of about are our new sabbaticals, for Arch, the new ritual of card been anyone else, there were January'. Not one for modesty, she whom the £5k plus accommodation checking was enacted, giving several other articles in Felix that added, 'it was a stupid thing to do, is enough reward, thank you. And money to duty officers, causing could have surmised that they were but it can't be undone and I'm sorry what a dismal campaign it was. It disorientation among the non-sober annoying people.' it happened'. She then challenged started off by giving the impression and supposedly making us all safer. That was Friday. By the anyone who thought her actions of being quickly cobbled together, Another theft of sorts was the following Tuesday, Zoe had called would affect her position as Union and the candidates really did removal of 3,500 Felices during the a press conference to announce ' I President to table a motion of no nothing to dispel this over the morning of 31 January. The admit to taking several piles of confidence at the EGM scheduled course of the fortnight. Despite for two days hence. Knowing full strong hustings performances from well that no-one knew the full facts Chris Davidson and Jonty Beavan, of the case, this gauntlet throwing it's a bit sad that the only campaign represented Zoe's craftiest move of that had been firmly mooted well in the year. Surprising no advance was that of Toby Jones. expectations, she was still in her Another dismal aspect was the post by Thursday night, talking of stupid election rules which still now her emotional tie ups, and prevent me from telling you how expressing the wish that the affair badly the Hon. Sec. candidates was now over. performed when they were Talking of affairs, the Virgin interviewed on IC Radio. Suffice to 'Who's Been Sleeping With Who In say that one dried up and was told to go away and think things out, and the other boxed himself into his own suggestion box. Thankfully we had New Election, they could take which was the real surprise of the election. Not, I hasten to add because it won, but because of its a sledgehammer competent performance under the direction of Returning Officer. Steve Farrant, who is the recipient to it of the 'Home Improvement' award. On the 18th January, Steve ordered the destruction of a union antique. The offending object was Sherfield/Prince's Gardens' has had apparently not Jonathan Griffiths, to be dropped this term, due to the but was a disused piano. Mr. change of ownership of the Farrant said that he found some sponsoring company. This is a pity, people 'hitting' the piano, and he as we had a really nice couple this told them that they could 'take a term, and they weren't students. sledgehammer to it'. This he described as a 'throwaway Paddy Ashdown, Leader of the Liberal Democrats, who spoke at a People who won't be students comment'; eight out of ten cat ' Youth and Student Day' at Westminster Central Hall in February next year, but who will still be

— 9 — News Review Felix 931 18 March 1992 owners said they thought he was couldn't comment on LibDem talking about his job description. economics because she hadn't been Mr Farrant was banned from the to the meeting yet. Ann Holmes, union building for 24 hours, which Labour candidate for Kensington, he unofficially extended to 72 hours told us we couldn't have it both as he failed to turn up for work on ways, crying poverty and then the following Monday. The matter complaining about the delay. Peter was referred to an executive Brooke said he would support a disciplinary committee. Once they rival union to the NUS, and that he remembered who Mr. Farrant was. wasn't a candidate for the by watching Sky One. they decided Speakership of the Commons. to give him the benefit of the doubt Charlie Smith, for Labour in and a large bucket of whitewash. By Westminster, appealed to students this stage, Mr Farrant had to vote and to use the postal vote if developed a pink elephant fixation necessary, something echoed by about pianos; later in the term he Union President Zoe Hellinger. spotted a chocolate machine The 'Where Does He Get Them we couldn't we 're fairly have it both certain that this ways, crying will provide a poverty and pathway to a complaining cure for about the delay Alzhiemer 's

masquerading as one, and gave it From and Why Does He Bother?' the same treatment. award goes to Chris Riley, for The 'Paper Transistor Award for gratuitous environmental slots. His Slavish Copying of the BBC goes speciality seems to be dolphins. this year to IC Radio, beating off Chris scored rather better on his a determined challenge from coverage of St. Mary's medical STOIC. STOIC effectively stories, and positively drooled over sabotaged their chances of winning the interview with Fiona Crawford, this award when they axed 'Going a member of the Alzhiemer's IC Union President Zoe Hellinger at the press briefing after the for Coppers', even though nobody research team that made its way Felix heist scandal early in February noticed, especially as. they wasted across the pond. no time in restoring this drivel to with the Peter Brooke interview speakers being exploited, he was The team had identified the the schedule. IC Radio, however, running to over half an hour, the quite surprised to learn that the two changes in a protein which is decided to cover the General Labour candidate in the quotes actually came from Neil responsible for Alzhiemer's. Election campaign long before it Westminster South seat was also Kinnock. It's not the first time Although these changes were not was called, as the smart money questioned. Kinnock has contradicted himself. the cause of Alzhiemer's in all decided that the campaign would Rob Marvin, of Conservative This was also the first candidate to cases, Fiona Crawford told IC fall during the holidays. Students, was first off. He state publicly that not only would Radio that 'because this protein has The strategy was fairly simple. described the recession as a unique National Insurance increases be been implicated in the disease long The economy was to be analysed in coming together of economic phased in, but also pension and before now, we're fairly certain that two interviews, one Conservative, circumstances. Unique child benefit increases. this will provide a pathway to a cure one Labour. Then a member of mismanagement, more like. When Then for the tour of the for Alzhiemer's'. However, she did each main party was to be Andy Love, Labour candidate for constituencies. Susan Broidy, not think the team had got the interviewed, covering the three Edmington, complained about Liberal Democratic candidate for recognition it deserved. 'Far from Imperial constituencies. Of course, minor differences between Labour Chelsea told IC Radio that she it. The only interest that was

The SRIHSr A "D V E. NTUR.E.S of-Hit SECURITY MEM

Unashamedly snaffled from WC magazine. Written by Joel Morris and David McCandless. 18 March 1992 Felix 931 News Review generated was when we finally got through, when we finally started finding the mutation, but there should have been a lot more interest in the disease and in the research a long time before that'. She rejected the claim that the move to the States was the end of the research. 'It's an expansion. There will still be members of the Alzhiemer's teams in St. Marys, and we'll still be in touch with all the families in Britain when we move to the States. The move will include new families into the research and will expand the group. Everybody who has experienced Alzhiemer's, either directly or indirectly, appreciate that it doesn't matter where the cure is found, but how quickly it is found is Defence Minister Tom King employs Mafia to accompany him during important.' Imperial College's Arts Week. Another St. Mary's story was the proposals from the Dean of St. training, and as such they should be Mr. Loraine was appointed above Mary's, Professor Peter Richards, doing the sort of work that doctors 70 other people after the post was to end the perennial problem of should be doing, so what we're advertised in the national media. junior hospital doctors: too little looking for is one year in which This now leaves the post of bar training, too little support, too little they would be doing the sort of steward wide open, and the cost of sleep. However, the Chairman of things which would actually be advertising another post in the union the Junior Doctors' Committee of preparing them for being doctors, bar has yet to be mentioned by the British Medical Association not for being ward clerks, or sabbaticals, one of whom said, condemned the proposals on IC porters, or ECG technicians. We 'Jarv was by far and away the best Radio as not going far enough. Dr. want to see this year run properly, candidate for the post. This claim Edwin Borman said that what was and I'm afraid we haven't seen the has been rejected widely by students needed was a restructuring of the proposals coming from Professor and staff in the students' union, who nature of the work. 'Currently what Richards yet.' appear to be upset that Mr. Loraine happens is that house officers are Yet, for the finest example of had been appointed. It has been spending a considerable part of their bickering, we return to the South reported that Mr. Patel resigned day running around the wards doing Kensington campus. IC Radio after being forced to by in-fighting. things for which they are grossly reported on 6th March, 'Gervaise As union staff have no right to overqualified, filling in forms, Loraine, better known as Jarv, has speak under a student union staff filing away results, taking routine won the position of assistant bar protocol, they were unable to bloods, doing routing ECGs. manager after Ramesh Patel comment.' Medical students are doctors in resigned his post earlier this year. No comment.

Northern Ireland Secretary, Peter Brooke, in a timid state after being interviewed by Declan Curry.

Credits i ' " Rose. Andy T, Declan 'Hot News' Curry, 'HB Sauce' David, Simone de Govier, James, '£460' Steve, '£5' Sam, Steve F, Ian, 'mere pale shadow' Jonty, T wandered lonely as a front cover designer' Stef, 'Adios UB40' David, Jeremy 'Kapitaliste' Brunell, Mario D'Oignon, Catherine 'missing link' Darwen, le dessiner phantome, Khurrum, 'Arbeit macht frei' Poddy, Scott. Farheed Khan. Jason 'moon' Lander, Tim Parsons, Evelyn Joslin, 'gurgling' Bee, Cindy Madden and Jennifer Simmons (sorry you were cut short), the circular jocular pocketed coracle and disparate prudish parodies. b\ Memo Additional credits to David McCandless, Joel Morris and Memo.

11- Clubs & Societies Felix 931 18 March 1992 Mary's IC Seconds Football

St Mary's Hospital emphatically 'A bunch of nice guys.' That is won the Hospitals Cup on how someone once tried to describe Wednesday (4th March) beating the Imperial College 2nd XI University College and the association football team. The Middlesex Hospital by 49-0. In the seconds have also been accused of process Mary's created three new being good-looking, intellectual, records; six consecutive cup well-dressed and modest. They triumphs, a record points margin plead guilty on all counts. for the cup final and perhaps most This season, IC 2nds reached the significantly, the most successful second round of the UAU hospital of all time by overtaking competition, the semi-final of the Guy's record of thirty wins in the ULU cup, were placed fourth in competition. All this in the oldest Division Oe of the ULU league, and rugby competition in the world. have been the top scoring men's The match was played in a good team in the football club. These spirit before a noisy, boistrous results are pretty good, considering crowd. The Mary's cheerleaders, that the seconds have had an trumpeters and tango men led the unsettled side, having fielded 34 touchline proceedings: the parading different players in the course of the of the The Puffin recently re- season. acquired from the Middlesex team There have been regulars, of and the removal of an unfortunate course, and a key player for IC 2nds Middlesex man's (as opposed to an this year has been Steve Shilling. Muthoo, Max Duckworth and second team has been its positive Essex Girl's) clothes who happened Despite his occasional loss of Tellis Botzios are famous for their style, playing some beautiful to be caught trying to kidnap one of reason, he is one of the best team talks, hair gel and showers possession football and placing an the Mary's cheerleaders. goalkeepers in the whole university. respectively. Ben Adams and emphasis on teamwork. Football Prior to the final, Mary's had As midfielders converted to full- Mickey Plummer played very few history is littered with cynical and scored thirteen tries, eleven of backs, Eamon McCann, Chris games and their expertise was negative attitudes, as typified by which were scored by a very quick Morris and Andy Fenton have been missed. The youthful Stuart Miller Austria and Germany in a 1982 back division, and as a result much essential in the team's tactic of also made sporadic appearances. World Cup tie. The Brazilian star was expected. At the start Mary's playing from the back. Richard The seconds have had a deadly Zico then said 'God should punish kept the ball close to their forwards Burrows and Ian Finnerty have forward line, with Jason Devoys people who do these things'. and fifteen minutes into the game provided solidarity in the centre of capable of turning on a sixpence and But punishment comes in were already thirteen points up with defence. top scorer Simon Barry incapable mysterious ways. Three key players a try each for Torkington and Hunt Richie Dixon, the Nigel Clough of smiling. However, Barry has missed penalties in the semi-final of and a conversion and penalty by lookalike, accidentally acquired by scored almost twice as many goals the ULU cup this year, denying the Butland (who had a poor game, by the side, scores spectacular goals as this season as the whole of the 1 st possibility of glory to their team, his own high standards, with his easily as he gets sweaty hands. XI team. Imperial College seconds. A team place kicking). By this stage the cup Other midfielders, Captain Rakesh The hallmark of this year's almost as good as the talent within. was won and after Morgan had powered over and two further tries were scored—the score at half-time was 27-0. The first period of the second half saw some UC/Middlesex pressure Boat Club Imperial but they never looked like breaching the Mary's defence. A pushover try The Boat Club this weekend the Tideway Head of the river race At the club dinner on Wednesday by Kelly (but claimed by the front produced a highly impressive set of in a fortnight, where 500 crews the Rugby Club completed its most row) meant that Mary's could really results at Reading University Head. compete. The men's top squad aim successful season to date. relax and begin to run the ball from The outright win over the Oxford to have three crews in the top thirty Having narrowly lost the defence inside their own twenty-two. Two University blue boat and three with the first VIII well within the of the Gutteridge Cup the previous of the moves resulted in glorious crews in the top ten underlines the top ten. The novice men hope to year the team were determined to tries involving virtually the whole college's position amongst the top record our third novice win in five make amends. The team used an team. Anyone who was fortunate three university clubs in the years. abundance of possession well to enough to see it will not forget the country. Next term the 1st VIII, destroy Charing Cross and two second rows rounding off a The 1st VIII won the whole event representing British universities, Westminster Medical School by 31 move under the posts after starting beating Oxford by six seconds with will go to the Japanese Henley points to 4. Stuart Paynter kicked it by winning ball at the line out, only two other crews within thirty Regatta to defend their 1991 victory well and it was a pleasure to see near their own try line. seconds of their winning time. over other international universities. both wingers scoring right in the The 2nd and 3rd VIII beat all Top England rugby stars Roger corners. (Cheers Anton!) Stuart On Wednesday (11th March), St other UAU opposition to come 8th Uttley and Andy Ripley enlisted the Paynter was deservedly nominated Mary's Hospital 2nd XV are and 9th. help of ICBC 1st VIII members man of the match. playing in the 2nd XV Hospitals The men's novice VIII continued Steve Ellis and Ed Wild, with Having already displayed their Cup against Charing Cross and are their unbeaten run with an Olympic coach Bill Mason to supremacy in London and the SE of hopeful of victory after beating impressive row for their fourth win attempt rowing for the first time, England, three days later the team Kings 83-0 in the semi-final. In the this term. noting that they would require a lot travelled to Nottingham to take on next few weeks the Mary's sevens The women's novice VIII came of training to complete 20 strokes, Durham in the semi-final of the team will also bid for a hat-trick of a close third in their category. let alone 20 minutes of gruelling Commercial Union UAU victories at National Medical Forthcoming events include a head race... championships. Schools Sevens Championships. possible race against Cambridge at Imperial's record did not bear

—12— 18 March 1992 Felix 931 Clubs & Societies Dribblers Win League

mirage, it surely was Ethel and she but IC's back four, Emma, Linday, was running, yes running, up the Eleanor and Rachel, dashed all pitch with the ball. She charged past hopes of a KCH victory with an the lone defender and headed for the easy win. goalkeeper. The crowd erupted in A mixed bag of supporters were a frenzy, the players stood and next up for the challenge and what watched in disbelief. a sad bunch they were. Felix's very A whole year of standing on cold, own photographer led the team with wet, muddy pitches had driven the a pathetic half pint (call yourself a poor girl mad and she was behaving man?). But the girls, in true style, in a way never witnessed before. polished off their drinks in record Charging down the pitch with the time to win by a drink in hand. defender hot on her heels she took The captain would just like to it past the goaly, the crowd went congratulate the team on their mad, the team fainted and.. .the ball performance this season. Apart dribbled slowly off the pitch. Alas, from winning the league they also it wasn't to be the goal that had got to the semi-finals in the cup. It's eluded the poor woolly hatted one been great playing with you all. all season. We could be tight and Extra big thanks to Sara and Ethel say this isn't strictly true, Ethel who, despite my sarcy reports, have scored a goal last term. Shame it had a brilliant season and helped in was in the wrong goal though!! the running of the club. The Dribblers took the league Dribblers a 3-0 lead. Super runs and Exhausted and hungry but still on Good luck to you all next year!! title in what was one of the most dodgy finishing from Permi (the form. The Dribblers secured their hard fought games of the season. goaly was big and fat and took up place as top boat racers in London The first Felix of next term will Both teams needed victory to take the whole of the goal area) by beating not one but two teams. come out on Friday 1st May. All the title and it was KCH who maintained this score line until First up for the hammering were reports or articles should reach surprisingly put the Dribblers KCH managed to snatch back a goal KCH. Caroline was still struggling the Felix Office, Beit Quad, by defence under immense pressure to put them back into contention. to get over the shock of Ethel's run 12.30 Monday 27th April if they throughout the first half. The However, a final goal from Permi which allowed KCH to sneak ahead are to be included in that issue. defence, glad to have something to put the Dribblers 4-1 ahead and out do for a change, coped amazingly of reach of KCH. With only five and it was the Dribblers who minutes left both teams were finished the half on top with two exhausted and it seemed like all the goals from Permi and Jo and action was over...or was it? nterstellar excellent defending from Arlene No, it couldn't be, surely the 'To boldly go where no one has swifter craft using matter/anti- and Juliana. teams in their state of exhaustion gone before'—Science fiction or matter and other exotic propulsion The second half was more even were not seeing things. But no! The science fact? Is Interstellar Travel systems. until a sudden penalty gave the players now realised it was no really practicle? If so, how long On Saturday March 4th at before it will be possible for man 7.00pm in Elec Eng 403b Ian to head off to the stars. Crawford of UCL will be ICU- Ideas about Interstellar Travel SEDS guest for a lecture on this range from slow moving colonies topic, followed by a discussion of travelling at about 10% light speed the possibilities. Rugby Report using fission/fusion explosions; to

comparison but their fifth turned Durham's faces the same consecutive south-east group title shade of Palatinate purple as their and six previous wins in seven jerseys until a final fifteen minutes matches overall, with an average of of long awaited fluency overturned Rifle and Pistol 34 points a match, threw down a Imperial's worthy seven point lead. challenge which Durham picked up Durham now play Loughborough in Last week saw IC's intrepid pistol will demand a rematch, the honour ponderously. the final at Twickenham on team actually get round to shooting of IC is at stake (or something like David Fleming, playing Wednesday 18th March. some matches. Firstly there was that). alongside Andrew his twin brother, Roger Gilchrist was elected standard pistol against ULU Pistol The rifle team have not been ran in a twelth minute try from the captain of ICRFC for next season Club. We beat them by 928 to 880 doing so well since they have been base of the ruck, from the drive by at the AGM last Monday, John with neither side shooting skulking around in dark corners Fowler of Rosslyn Park and Fowler was voted player of the particularly well—more practice ever since last term when they shot Montgomery, the influential scrum season and Stuart Paynter voted the needed I think. Over the weekend against Herriot Watt in the first half in Imperial's progress. His most improved player. the Cambridge University squad round of the British Universities kicking was insistent and The club would like to thank came down to shoot precision team rifle competition. Suffice it to impeccable, trusting Durham those who turned up week after centrefire. This idea had to be say we got absolutely bloody backwards into a cauldren of week to support us. The abandoned at the last minute when hammered. Beaten by almost 100 defensive uncertainty. groundsmen at Harlington Mick, we realised we hadn't got any points! Special mention must go to Paynter, having been charged Phil and Keith, and especially the centrefire targets! We decided to club captain Tim Griffiths for the down earlier in the game, regained staff of the Union Office for both shoot PPI instead which is much lowest score of the season (and his confidence to add a penalty goal their help and support throughout more fun. Both teams shot well, possibly of this century) although he for Imperial soon after half time. the season. considering the short notice, and at least had an excuse—the sights Imperial's quart size pack Played 19, won 13, lost 6 Cambridge narrowly beat us, the fell off his rifle halfway through the compared to their opponent's pints Points for 439, points against 165 final score being 774 to 800. We competition!

— 13— Clubs and Societies Felix 931 18 March 1992

Indoor Soccer Tournament

There was a factual error in my winning team from each match will Wed, 11.3.92 Score article last week. The Lebanese go on to play in the semi-finals. If 4.00-4.30pm Cypriot vs Singapore 8-5 Society was not suspended by the the better seeded team wins their 4.30-5.00pm (re sch) Indian OSC as was reported. I would like respective games, the semi-final vs Snooker 1 P-P to apologise to all concerned and line-up shall be Seed 1 vs Seed 4 5.00-5.30pm Islamic 1 vs Sri Lankan 12-5 hope that everyone can now let and Seed 2 vs Seed 3. The winning 5.30-6.00pm Islamic 2 vs Lebanese 0-3 the matter rest. The Lebanese semi-finalists shall then contest the teams have since been reinstated final. to the IC Indoor Soccer The tournament champions shall Thurs, 12.3.92 Score Tournament. be presented will a shield, engraved 3.00-3.30pm ICFC 1 vs Lebanese 2 10-4 As for the tournament itself, 5 miniature trophies for each player 3.30-4.00pm teams have now successfully plus a cheque for £75. The losing Malaysian 1 vs ICFC 2 5-12 qualified for the second phase, to finalist shall receive runners-up 4.00-4.30pm Sikh 2 vs IC SEDS 20-2 be held on Wednesday 17th March. medals plus a cheque for £30. 4.30-5.00pm Snooker 1 vs Malaysian 2 3-0 They are IC FC2, Chemical Cheques for £10 shall be awarded 5.00-5.30pm Snooker 2 vs Bridge Club 12-7 Engineers, Cypriots, IC FC1 and to the losing semi-finalists. As the Sikh 2. With 3 games still to be tournament is organised by the played (at the point of writing), five OSC. there shall also be a trophy Sat, 14.3.92 teams are contesting the remaining for the best placed OSC team. Score 3 places: Lebanese 1, Islamic 1, It is hoped all games shall be 6.00-6.30pm Indian vs Sikh 1 P-P Indian, Snooker 1 and Sikh 1. played on Wednesday between Each qualifying team shall be 9.30-lpm. If this cannot happen, Mon, 16.3.92 Score seeded according to the number of then uncompleted games shall be 6.00-6.30pm Lebanese 1 vs Islamic 2 3-0 points attained and their goal- played from 4pm onwards. May I difference. Then the team seeded 1 take this opportunity to thank all the Tue, 17.3.92 Score will play the team seeded 8. teams for entering the tournament, 1.00-1.30pm Indian Similarly, the remaining fixtures and wish the teams in the knock-out vs Snooker 1 shall be Seed 2 vs Seed 7, Seed 3 stage the best of luck. 1.30-2.00pm Lebanese 1 vs IC SEDS vs Seed 6 and Seed 4 vs Seed 5. The Khurrum 2.00-2.30pm Indian vs Sikh 1 Malaysia Nite 1992, Flight MH002

On the 22nd of Febuary 1992, the This was followed by a traditional Malaysia Soc (ICMS) celebrated the dance 'Kuda Kepang', depicting success of its second ever Malaysia men on horseback which kept the Nite in the history of the society. crowd capitvated with their The event which was attended by illustration of the spreading of Islam Malaysians and their friends from by Javanese men in the interiors of London as well as all over the UK, Java. Han M.K. was on next with succeeded in its aim to introduce his item on Chinese caligraphy. Malaysian culture to all those Accompanied by narration and present. soothing Chinese music, it proved Guests were first treated to dinner to be a hit with the crowd. Next up at the Union Building (Beit Quad) was the 'Wan Bulan' or the flying before being ushered to the Great dance which is usually performed Hall where the cultural show was by the youth int he village of the held. Dinner consisted of a variety East Coast of Malaysia after the of Malaysian delights ranging from harvest. Incidentally, the 'wan' or 'Ayam Masak Merah' to Bingka (a kite is also the logo of the national type of cake). This was a thrill for airlines, Malaysia Airlines. the adventurous and a delight to The crowd then joined in the those who had acquired the taste 'Acoustic Jam', singing and over the years. It was indeed an humming away to familiar irresistable spread of exotic food. Malaysian tunes and oldies. Content. Guests were then herded 'Bongai' a graceful dance presented to their seats int he Great Hall by four talented young women of before the cultural show began. A the ICMS gave the crowd a chance fisherman lost at sea and a mystic was on again, before the entire cast brief introduction to the show by to catch their breath while enjoying princess. This intriguing got up on stage to sing 'Rasa hosts Azwan and Ellene was this form of traditional dance called dance/drama was followed by a Sayang'—one of our traditional followed by a dramatic opening Tnang'. The graceful 'Doongal' sketch based on a typical village ways of saying goodbye. A few ceremony, which lived up to its dancers then slid into the shadows setting and the conflicts between an verses of 'Pantun' or poems were expectations as the theme for the as the pantomime began. An eerie adopted and real son. A colourful also recited, bringing messages of evening suggested—a fictitious performance relating to death, the fashion show with a live display of friendship and happiness to end an flight to Malaysia, flight MH002. soul and whatever comes next. 'Batik' kept the crowd enthralled as evening which will be treasured by Guests were enthralled with a take- Meanwhile a raffle was held in the climax of the evening drew all those present. off scene in a place, complete with between each performance. nearer. captain's instructions. The evening The ICMS would like to extend The second half of the evening The grand raffle—a return ticket then kicked off to a brilliant start gratitude to all the guests, members began with the main item of the to Malaysia was won by, well it is with the two man band of Azmi and and their friends who helped make day—the 'Ukle Mayang' a still mystery—the chap didn't turn Malek pounding away on their Flight MH002 a success. We hope traditional dance which visualised up so his friend collected his prize keyboards. that you will be with us again next the romance between a young on his behalf! The two man band year for another enjoyable evening. 18 March 1992 Felix 931 Feature

The End... success. The Old Centralians back Acknowledgements so Far... 'Another bright morning in gentle, us unequivocably, with strong Our sponsors: the Old Centralians breezy Martinique, French words and commitment of funds. for their belief right from the Caribbean. On the blue-sea Marketing are enthusiastic beginning, the Harlington Trust for horizon, just sensed by the averted supporters, convincing us that we their last minute leap of faith gaze, white triangles lie etched. can do it. making it all possible, to the Rector Slowly, as the morning wears on, Now we were not to be stopped. for his encouragement and they waft nearer. Evelyn: 'We've got to go!' enthusiasm, to Professor Ley and After 36 hours of continuous the Chemistry Department for their racing, the fleet is still too tightly The Long Night... nurturing incentives, and lastly to packed to diminish the tension felt But no one else was interested. Marketing for their professionalism on deck. Sails are quickly changed, Weeks passed. Mail returned, kind and for giving us our credibility and then more waiting, watching the patronising refusals, 'hands tied...', teaching us so much. sea, looking for gusts, eyes 'budgets spent...', etc etc. Others: Zoe Hellinger and straining against the bright dawn The OC's agreed to support us in Jonathan Griffiths (Union), Peter The Jet Sea Cup Challenge 92 light. The lead boats are still fighting hard, and with one mile to go, the race is still anybody's...'

The Beginning... It was a rainy, dull afternoon in London when the crazy, insane, mad idea was first spoken of. To do what? Sail in the French Caribbean in a yacht race? Yea, sure. Next stop the moon. But some had vision, (or stupidity!) enough to believe that it could be done. They decided to go for it: 'only those that risk are free'.

The Idea... Fly to Guadeloupe. Race to Dominica through the little islands. Then, overnight to Martinique. Finally, the climax: an Olympic triangle race off the coast of Martinique. Altogether, nine days of racing.

The Team... The whole yacht club, plus these members: Severine Vadon (from last year's winning boat), Evelyn Joslin, Richard Sem, Emmanuel Gringarten, Tim Parsons, Emmanuel Omont, Thor Askeland, Tony Rasmilovic, Andrea November. Winter passed with no Mee (Registrar), Roger Knight Michellotti, Jean-Christophe further commitments of help. Some (Institute of C&G), John Archer A guide to how Normand, and Lynda Davis. A felt let down, spirits flagged, the (Pro-Rector), NatWest for our diverse mix of French-, English-, routine of work, reports, labs, and overseas transaction charges, Italian-, Australian-, American-, experiments re-asserted itself. Michael Gallis, occupants of 438 to get Swedish-, and Norwegian- Hopes faded as time passed. Chemistry, Karen Peploe (Press motivations, skills, and Office) and most of all, to Lynda sponsorship, as experiences. Only five will finally Instant Success...At Last... Davis of Marketing who deserves compete in the race—but the efforts Nearly three months later, sheer to go with us (so somebody give her of all were needed during the long, bloody-mindedness and a ticket, OK!). well as a sea- dark winter. perseverence was recognised, as it sometimes is. The Rector, The Rush to the Race... First Blood- Marketing, the Harlington Trust And so we leave for the French going adventure. So, we had our 'file' complete with and the Chemistry Department all Caribbean, to compete in front of colour photocopies and maps, with succumbed to our relentless European TV, press, and corporate all the different angles covered in pleading and fast talking. Our sponsors, against teams from major By Tim Parsons both French and English political naivete and inexperience French Ecole Superior, the only exhortations, refined with help from notwithstanding, the college international competitors, the sole David Norburn of Management, decided the outside world could no UK representatives. and Evelyn and made complete through Lynda longer be waited for. We leave on March 27th. Davis of Marketing. Tim Parsons, Joslin Immediately, we have our first Evelyn Joslin

— 15— Opinion Felix 931 18 March 1992 18 March 1992 Felix 931 Opinion

'These islands are richer than I raw materials that fuelled European local community. This was not the ignorance amongst people of the relationship between natives and know or can say. and I have taken industrialisation. Today, Latin sort of example that the US wished North. For the majority of people non-natives based on justice. possession of them in their America continues to feed and work the rest of Latin America to follow. in Latin America the legacy of The size of the indigenous Majesties' name.' So wrote for Europe. Cotton, coffee and To emphasise this the US Columbus is poverty. Many do not population in Latin America is Columbus to the monarchs of Spain bananas, are raised on huge government funded guerilla accept the legacy and struggle to substantial. A minimum of 10% and Europe. Of the people who plantations wasting the warfare, and led a total economic maintain their traditions and seek (over 40 million) are generally lived on the Caribbean Islands he environment, while descendants of boycott of Nicaragua (backed by social justice. considered pure Indian, ethnically said: 'They are yours to command the indigenous population work in Britain). The financial squeeze was March 22nd to 29th is Central and culturally, and a much higher and make them work.' appalling conditions. too much for the Nicaraguans, and America Week—a celebration of proportion are half-Indian. In many 1992—if you have not yet heard Trade barriers forged in Europe last year, by a narrow margin, the the resilience of the people, and the regions within countries indigenous marks the quincentennary of and the US ensure that Latin Sandinistas were voted out. survival of their culture. During this populations can constitute 90% of Columbus' landfall in the America contains a producer of raw However, internal pressure to week people in towns throughout the population. They are present in Americas. The anniversary is materials and cheap labour. The net maintain the gains of the revolution Britain and Ireland will be making every Latin American country, generating big business: More than transfer of resources away from is still great. links with people working for their except in most of the Caribbean 200 books on Columbus-related these poor countries is further Less publicised is the fact that own development in Central where they suffered early subjects are scheduled for release ensured by increasingly high prices America is also responsible for America. extermination. this year; two Hollywood fdms are for imported manufactured goods having installed the present military For our part Third World First These survivors of the European being made; not to mention the and technology, and also by interest regime in Guatamala due to a has invited Margarito Ruiz, a colonialists' ventures are still Mexican Maya-Tojolbal Indian, and subjected to discrimination, leader of the Independent exploitation and oppression, and are Organisation of Indian Peoples to generally in the lower echelons of come and speak on Thursday 19th society, deprived of influence and Go West, Young Man March (the week before Central power. As one Mexican sociologist America Week), 12.45pm Huxley put it, 'The Indian Question is countless television specials being essentially one of internal Tor the planned, lavish exhibits and official colonialism. The Indian celebration in at least thirty communities are Mexico's internal countries. colonies...Here we find prejudice, majority of In the US, the centre of the descrimination, colonial types of celebrations will be 'Ameriflora exploitation and dictatorial forms.' '92', a $100 million international Latin American indigenous people in Latin flower show being built in peoples reflect a rich diversity Columbus, Ohio. And the excess across the continent, and live under America the does not stop there, there is to be often very different conditions. a symbolic marriage between the They do, however, share five statue of Columbus in Barcelona, centuries of common history, and legacy of and New York's Statue of Liberty. a deeply held aspiration for land Not one to be left out, our very own (taken away from their ancestors city of Birmingham is to supply the first by the colonial powers, and Columbus is ring. Liverpool, also, is planning now by the national landed elite, the launch of a flotilla of 15th and multinational companies), Century style ships, in a mock up autonomy, and culture. Margarito several times as a conference as promoting rural development poverty.' of Columbus' departure from Ruiz will be addressing, amongst speaker. This will be only the projects in its member Spain. other matters, the indigenous second time he has spoken in communities. The first island that Columbus question. Britain. He is involved in a number of by Farheen 'hit' in the West Indies, was that of Amongst other posts, Margarito other organisations, and has been a Hispaniola, now known as the Margarito Ruiz Hernandez Ruiz is the General Secretary of the Deputy (MP equivalent) for the Khan. Dominican Republic. He set the Margarito Ruiz is an indigenous FIPI (Frente Independiente de PRD, a broad left/centre opposition pattern for the explorers and leader of the Maya-Tojolabal Pueblos Indios), which is a grouping. colonialists who followed him when Indians. He is a well known figure grouping of over 26 indigenous » All that there is left to say is that he initiated the extermination of the in the field of indigenous rights in organisations from throughout Margarito Ruiz will be speaking on Tiano people who lived on that Mexico, and beyond. Mexico. It was formed in 1987, and Thursday 19th March, 12.45pm in island. The Dominican Republic is After the Andean countries, has been at the forefront for Huxley LT130. now indulging in gross celebrations, Mexico is home to the highest indigenous rights in Mexico as well including the construction of a wmm number of indigenous people in colossal lighthouse in honour of payments on debts that annually similar history of attempted land Building, Lecture Theatre 130. Latin America, with an estimated Columbus. It is said that the consume large portions of the reform. In the early 50s the For further information about 8-10 million Indian peoples, made lighthouse, if switched on, will countries' GNP. American banana company, events occuring around London, or up of over 56 different ethnic groups plunge at least half of the island into The injustice of the system is all Chiquita, owned around 55% of in your local area, write to: The Mexico Solidarity Group JOB PANIC darkness, as the island does not too apparent for the peoples of potential arable land in Guatamala. Central America "Week, therefore decided that it was generate enough electricity to meet Central America, but any attempts They used only a small percentage 82 Margaret Street, important for a Mexican indigenous Don't Worry - Help is at Hand the needs of both the island and the to create a more just society of this for growing bananas, and London WIN 8LH. voice to be heard in Britain, and lighthouse. working for itself, rather than for vast areas of land lay unused. A Telephone 071-631 5173. invited Margarito Ruiz as a visitor The way you present yourself will be vital to getting In 1492 an estimated 100 million the rich countries of the North, have democratically elected government during Central America week. He that first job. decided to distribute this land to is in Britain for two weeks, giving people lived in what we call Latin in the past been sabotaged. Individual advice from an insider on how to America, compared to only 60 The reforms in Nicaragua under small-holders for subsistence Resistance and Survival talks and taking part in conferences million in Europe. Within 80 years, the Sandinistas are a well known farming. This piqued Chiquita, Native organisations in Central on indigenous rights, 1992 and the apply to firms on spec only 10 million people remained in case in point. The Sandinistas' most which in turn led the US America, South America, Mexico, 500 year campaign, land issues, write an effective CV and covering letter Latin America; the rest succumbed significant policies were those government to install the current the US and Canada have been human rights, and rural make the most of an interview regime in the 1954 CIA coup. to disease, or were killed in wars concerning redistribution of land. organising education campaigns and development. Full package including 10 copies of CV, information Land used for cash crops was and massacres brought about by the Many in Central America have public protests against official Margarito spends a lot of time pack and practice interview for £20 Europeans. bought for the landed elite to be now realised that change cannot be Columbus Quincentennial travelling and visiting groups within Many of those who survived were redistributed to villagers achieved in their own countries celebrations since 1988. Their aim Mexico, and has also been a Call Julian Hamm on 071-585 2103 for a chat enslaved, and, along with enslaved (campesinos), supposedly leading to without first changing the attitudes is to expose the hidden history of represenative at international Africans were forced to produce the farming of food stuffs for the of the governments and the general colonialism and build a new meetings. In 1991 he was in Spain

—16— Feature Felix 931 18 March 1992

The Bottle match. The Bottle Some contestants' preparatory self leave without Jason Brewer, who match. A name redolent with sacrifices reach masochistic was at the time climbing into a car occidental mysticism, and esoteric proportions - oh, the agony of full of Sharons and Traceys from tradition, the origins of which is lost practising not drinking for a full 90 Essex. Fortunately there was not in the merged mists of a thousand minutes at a go. In recent years non enough room for him in the Ford nights in Union bars. What is this rugger buggers have also had the' Capri and he did make it down to thing that connects the Camborne chance to trek down to sunny Camborne to do his bit for his School of Mines (CSM) and our Cornwall to play football, hockey college. The excruciatingly tedious very own Royal School of Mines and now even squash as part of the journey to Cornwall was (RSM)? weekend of competition. enlightened only by some more Some would say that this To begin at the beginning - intracoach rugby and a lovely view connecting thing was merely the 10.00am Friday 21st February of some footballing bottoms in the M4. for the most part, but nay, 'tis 1992. The start of another supporter's coach as they passed us more concrete, more lasting, than memorable Camborne Weekend. on the motorway. any stretch of mere motorway. How Raring to go, the minibus chafing Newquay! Du Stadt meiner many of you remember seeing the at its brakes outside the Mines Traume! Those glorious Cornwall blue and white stickers of the CSM, Building, such was the enthusiasm! sights; the plush luxury hotel we The Bottle Match Felix's flying eye, Sam Cox, tagged along with the RSM to the Bottle Match. Written mainly by Sam Cox, with poetic and verbose, nay lyrical, interpolations by the Felix Editor.

still visible in some of the more The organisation! IC students late weren't allowed anywhere near, obscure parts of college? How again! Such tradition! We began at surfers on the beach and the sex many of you know what the 'Bottle the beginning - 11.00am Friday shop which looked as though it had Match' actually is? For the 21st February - but who cares. We been set up in someone's back uninitiated, the 'bottle', as it is finally got away. room. The Ladies Hockey team, the imaginatively known, is a bottle The iads' put in a bit of practice Football team and the supporters which was displayed in our Union at the Newport Pagnall service were dumped off in the cheapest Bar until a few weeks ago. It is the station, remembering how to chuck looking and smelliest hotel in the trophy for the second oldest varsity and catch the rugby ball, while the town, which did have a lovely view match alive in this country and to supporters and football bus of one of Newquay's many bays as gain this bottle the RSM and CSM performed the far more important a consolation. Oh lucky us! The men's Rugby 15 have to go through function of filling up with vittels for rugby team and the Men's Hockey a gruelling 90 minutes on the pitch. the six-and-a-half hour journey team headed off to a much quieter This match is almost as important ahead. Well fed and watered we petite bijoux residence-ette and a as the England versus Australia piled back into the coaches (the good night's rest. After all theirs final of last year's Rugby World wheeled variety - the alternative is was the important game. Cup - for some it is even more so. probably illegal) and attempted to Springtime. When a young man's

—18— 18 March 1992 Felix 931 Feature fancy turns lightly to thoughts of buttock-clenchingly close game and finesse. Unlucky for the team but probably expand to take over the love. The hotel offered optional an immense amount of fun for all a much better score than last year's rest of the paper - I will round up ballroom dancing for those with a involved. The 0-0 draw meant that 9-1 loss. a few of the plethora of faux pas of fancy for the elderly and 'confused' the RSM managed to retain the I was unable to watch the next the weekend. Honourable mentions (read 'senile') woman or man. Goldsmith's Trophy from last year, competition, Football, but I did get must go to - Kevin, being the true gentleman that even if it was only by default. No a chance to have a break and a a) Kevin Short and Dave he is, rescued a lonely damsel and injuries incurred on our side pleasant chat with the nurse at the Maynard, who spent the best part took to the floor in such style he although Lisa managed to send off hospital. I assume that the RSM of an hour cheering for RSM at the almost knocked her off her their star player with a suspected men did OK, as we won 3-2. wrong Rugby match. It was no. zimmerframe. While such broken nose within the first five Congratulations to them all and I until half time that they noticed they frolicsome antics were afoot, the minutes. On being questioned about must say I'm impressed that you all didn't actually recognise any of the squash teams were already beating the incident, she told waiting managed to make it to the game players and that neither of the teams Camborne 3-2 for the trophy. reporters that 'it was an accident, after staying up virtually all night were in RSM college colours. Congratulations are in order to all honest.' Well, we believe you Lisa and disturbing a couple of young b) Richard Lloyd for losing his who played. At this point those who ladies at the hotel. Curtains to be crutches on the Friday night and played should have been named, but politely drawn, over such having to 'borrow' a walking stick somebody ran off with the list of 'All fat shennanigans. from the owner of the Hotel in names from the Felix office. Many And so now to the magnum opus. Newquay. The reason he was on apologies to all concerned. and flabby' the clash of the Olympians. That the crutches in the first place is a bit of A night out on the town for some very rock beneath Cornwall should a faux pas too - he had dislocated and a night of psyching up and shudder at the pounding of such his kneecap 10 days before the tactical talks for others. And the even if thousands wouldn't. Again Titans! The star team was dressed bottle match was due to take place. first official RSM Ladies night out congratulations to all our players. in a very sexy new strip, replete I don't think he was a very happy on the town. We took the place by Men's hockey next and another with lovely legs and the mandatory bunny at all that weekend. storm - well almost - and we did very close game. The RSM lost 1-0 well-preened hair on Kurt Budge's c) Nick Correy for passing out at beat the locals on the pool table at but I'm sure that it was the head. So to the 'Bottle Match.' the player's dinner before the first the nearest watering hole. Neanderthal savagery of the I am left speechless with glass of wine had even been poured. Saturday morning - 7.30 am - and opposition in attacking Greg that admiration at the manner in which He then completely missed his meal the ladies are raring to roll. A full was at the fulcrum of the failure. the supporters played out their role. and lay comatose in the foyer for English at the hotel, then bags This meant that he had to leave the Hods of really loud obnoxious the majority of the evening. While packed and minds in gear we piled pitch to get his eye glued back singing, loads of beer consumed he was in repose, Rob Peters who into the minibus, complete with together again at Truro Hospital. and a generally wholesome spirit. was keeping an eye on him thought four supporters, and headed off for Paul Smith gave a storming As for the players - they were under that maybe the hotel foyer pot plants our all-important Hockey match. A performance in goal, saving the a lot of pressure from the start. The were feeling a little hungry and so tight-lippedely, teeth-grindingly, CSM penalty flick with great Camborne team had the weight in he fed them the remainder of his the scrum ('mainly because they half chicken. were all fat and flabby' - Gina), and d) The CSM egit called Paul who they had the upper hand from the agreed to swap his pure silk CSM moment they scored their try after Colours tie and tour hat for one of about five minutes of play. The our very lovely RSM hats. RSM team fought back though with HAIRDRESSERS e) Paul, the Norwegian RSM bod, a superb try by Jason Brewer, set who spent the whole weekend 15A HARRINGTON ROAD, up by Kenny, but sadly the 'Tangoing' people because he'd SOUTH KENSINGTON conversion was missed by only a seen the advert on the Friday few inches. The penalty goal by 071-823 8968 morning just before we left RSM CSM gave them the match but not and thought that it was the best thing We have a fantastic offer for all you so much by skill as luck. 7-4 to ever. Therefore do not be surprised CSM but still an enjoyable game. if a number of people walk up to students, a cut wash and blowdry (They say that there is more to be you in the bar on Wednesday by our top stylist gained from the playing than the evening and slap you around the winning - Vm not so sure myself - cheeks for no apparent reason - it (which normally costs around £21) Ed) Man of the match from my seems to have become a bit of a point of view goes to Kenny, who trend. For only £11 Men £12 Women can only be likened to speedy f) Dave Maynard (again) for Gonzales when on the Rugby pitch. hopping out of the minibus at the Check us out ! The player's dinner was the usual side of the road to go for a piss and riot, butter fights before the starter, being so inebriated that he fell over loud singing throughout and trifle into fits of laughter and needed fights over dessert. I think a good three guys to help him back up time was had by all although to be again. Shortly after this, Rob from quite honest I was not totally CSM ripped his boxers off him coherent for the most of the evening without even attempting to undo HARRINGTON in question, but I am sure I'm not Dave's trousers, Dave then proceed the only one. to wear them around his neck for Huge congratulations go to Steve the rest of the trip home. SOUTH ^ who organised the weekend, things g) Kenny for setting fire to Gina's ENSINGTON went pretty smoothly although I leggings in the back of the mini-bus have to pass on a rather esoteric and causing the young girlie to go message on behalf of the Ladies' into a state of shock. Hockey team - 'we would have h) Me for agreeing to write this liked more warning that our match bloody article for Felix in the first had been moved from 12.00pm to place. (That's enough of that -Ed). .1 10.00am, with love and hugs.' And so a final warning to all - In my capacity as Felix trivia next year CSM will be here, so editor - a new post created watch out and remember - You 1 especially for me, which will have been officially Tangoed!

— 19— Reviews Felix 931 18 March 1992 The Doctor

William Hurt (Children of a Lesser God, Broadcast News) is Jack MacKee, a successful member of a thriving practice, who has a very nice life, plenty of money, nice car, beautiful wife and kid, a luxurious home and all the opulent trappings of prosperity. The only thing missing is true compassion for the patients in his care. But Jack sees things from a very different light when he is diagnosed as having cancer of the Larynx. As the difference between merely treating a patient and caring for taste of my own medicine' by Dr understanding, and many more of West End until the first week in them become clear to Jack, he Ed Rosenbaum, a successful the qualities that make us human. april, but I'm told you can send meets a young woman named June physician who was diagnosed as There are even those moments of away for tickets in the Radio Times. (Elizabeth Perkins—Big, He Said, having cancer. inane humour, like the singing of Try not to miss this film, it may be She Said)—a patient he meets while It is a very moving film, 'Big Girls Don't Cry' around the a tearjerker, and if you are not attending radiotherapy, whose heartwarming to see an ignorant operating table, or when Dr compassionate you will hate it, but uncommon strength and spirit man going through such change, MacKee, instead of taking his it does strike some truths, which becomes the catalyst for his own and touching that someone like students round the wards, gets them hopefully it won't take us all recovery and the understanding that June—whose brain tumour was to put on gowns and be patients situations like this to realise. a healer must first know about heart found too late to save her, someone prescribed illnesses for seventy odd before operating on one. in a worse position, can have so hours! The film is based on the book 'A much more strength and The Doctor doesn't open in the POO Fried Green Tomatoes Cabal and Love

Stop cafe (fried green tomatoes a setting of the 18th century, but then speciality). The story is quite long, you get gripped by the intrigue of starting with Idgie's troubled satire, class-borders dividing childhood, moving through her lovers, despotism and rebellion. finding a much needed friend in the The conflict of lovers divided by form of Ruth (Mary Louise Parker), society, the questioning of the social a demure, good-hearted young system and the doctrine of divine Wandering around the underground woman who suffers one tragedy rights combined with a you'd be forgiven for thinking this after another. revolutionary spirit are typical film was going to be a monster hit, These stories - which Ninny features of the 'Storm and Stress' (what with posters that size), it relates to Evelyn in her visits the era, when young poets like Schiller isn't, but it certainly isn't poo nursing home - provoke Evelyn - supported the 'new' ideas of either, a bit of a weird one this. she starts taking control of her life parliamentarism, human rights, What we are getting for our with often amusing consequences. freedom of spirit and 'creating money is really a story within a Like the best of tales, 'Fried genius'. story. In the present day Evelyn Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Theatre Manoevres provides you Couch (Kathy Bates), an Cafe' connects with experiences we with basic background info in their overweight woman in her early all share; wedding and funerals, programme. The company is forties is in a rut. Her husband's recreation and retribution, morals, bravely promoting classical foreign aunt, bedridden in a nursing home, memorable meals and of course, the plays, which would otherwise not throws blunt objects at her. Her occasional murder. The main thing be seen here. It is well done in the only friend is a newly met resident I hold against this film is that it's case of Cabal and Love. of the nursing home, feisty a tad too long, but where it succeeds The situation in Schiller's time is octogenarian, Ninny Threadgoode is in the lack of bittiness evident in a far cry from our society today, so (Jessica Tandy), who enthrals 'multiple' story films, and its wry it's difficult to identify with some Evelyn with tales from her home of sense of humour. It's another one elements of the play—except for the Whistle Stop, Alabama. This is of those not for the non- love story of course. where the story within a story bit compassionates I'm afraid, but it is Having sat down in the audience, Cobal and Love, Lyric Studio, comes in: Fifty years back, Ninny extremely well put together, oh, the you're thrown back in time: 1784, 10-28 March, Hammersmith, 8pm. music is ace. recalls, Idgie Threadgoode (Mary a principality in Germany. Tickets £6.30. Tel 081-741 2311. Stuart Masterson) ran the Whistle POO It takes time to get used to the Pico.

~20~ 18 March 1992 Felix 931 Reviews Goin' Local CrackWalker

like her, always laughing...'But sometimes I cry'.—'Yes, but you cry just like you laugh.' The acting was quite good, although I thought Sandy was a bit too stylish and actors are always lazy with accents. (You can't The intrepid track through a The Gate Theatre goes Beyond exaggerate an American accent.) subterranean concrete nightmare to Europe this season. The first in this Still, Kathy Burke as Therese reach the Theatre Royal Stratford series of contemporary plays from alone would make the show East (do not travel alone) is apt quite a long way away is the worthwhile. Also the way they preparation for the squalor and helm, their boss, the white-socked, Canadian Crack-walker by Judith make us of their little room is sadness eloquently examined in portable phoned, east-end wide- Thompson, to be followed by a amazing. Trudi Iholi's new play Goin' Local. boy, Lol (Glyn Grimstead). Nigerian and Argentinian play in Boris. Through an incessant stream of Customers come in all shapes and April and May. Crackwalker will run until black humour, the futility and sizes, most notably the menacing Crackwalker takes a look at the April 4 at Gates Theatre, 11 pathos of the character's situation cold-flashing crook Boy Boy (Louis lifestyles of the urban underclass of Pembrdige Road, Notting Hill. is adroitly displayed. A cast of 14 Hellis). A bouyant script and Kingstown. Therese lives on Tickets £7 from Box Office on engage in some flawless acting impeccable performances manage doughnuts and doesn't like to be 071-229 0706. complementing a detailed and well- to distract from the lack of plot until called a retard, so her friends avoid written script. The majority of the the unlikely, unfunny ending. This, that phrase. Alan is her boyfriend, ... inaction occurs in the decaying however, fails to mar an enjoyable, and later, husband. He hears voices office of an east-end-minicab firm thought-provoking evening worth in his head. Sandy and Joe are their 'Can-do-Cars'. The pathetic attending for the throw-away one friends. They are 'normal'. Joe telephone controllers, Nora, a liners delivered with verve and beats up Sandy, who beats up Joe. stunning performance from Kate panache by an accomplished Then there is an Indian hanging (Company, Only Fools and Horses, company. around, who is friends with no one. Smith and Jones) Williams, works Cookie Monster. He is always drunk or high and an eighteen hour day, 'for life's Theatre Royal Stratford East, hates all blacks and Indians. little luxuries' and presides over the Gerry Raffles Square, Stratford There are some great scenes in drivers. Her motley crew comprises East E15. 081-534 0310. Stratford this, like when Alan proposes to of ex-convicts, tranquiliser addicts, tube/BR. Monday-Saturday, 8pm, Therese (in a doughnut shop, where pot-smokers, alcoholics and at the £3-£12, £2 cones (ends April 4). else?). He had never known a girl **Coming Soon**

Due to the Easter break looming, Shining through, starring Melanie and of course 'Biggies' like 'Cape and no Felix for ages -1 thought I'd Griffith and Michael Douglas, Fear' and 'Hook' and the excellent cheer up your revision blues by chronicles the daring adventure of 'The Doctor' Well I think that's commenting on the plethora of films a Brooklyn born secretary, who most of them, there are a couple - either too late to be in this issue puts her life on the line for her more which the Big Bronze Bap or on general release over Easter. country etc,etc, all set against the says to avoid, nevertheless there Top of the 'let me see' list is sweeping tapestry of the second should be enough here to keep you probably 'Bugsy', just missing this world war. Opens on the 20th happy. Have a great Easter, forget issue, opening in the West End on March. revision for one night and take an 20th March. With such a strong Provisionally set for release on old friend out to see a film. See you cast, led by Warren Beatty - this 27th March is the long awaited in the Summer. Oh before I go, I film should have no problem pulling 'Freejack', a rivetting sci-fi thriller must give a thousand thanks to in the crowds - it's meant to be so I'm told, which tells the story of Catherine and Boris for their pretty hot stuff too, well the Gerbil a young race car driver who priceless help this term - didn't slag it off anyway. miraculously escapes death in a Thankyou. crash, only to awaken in the year Mario D'Onofrio (Reviews 2009 running for his life. Starring Editor) Emilio Estevez, Anthony Hopkins and, would you believe, Mick Jagger! Also on the 'meant to be good' Apology list is 'Deceived' starring Goldie Hawn - and it's not a pseudo comedy! A psychological thriller Apologies must go to 'The with.deceiving aplenty - probably. Vincent Van Gogh Foundation, Opens in the first week of April. Vincent Van Gogh Museum, Other Big name movies hitting Amsterdam' for not having given these shores soon are 'Rush', who's them for our photo of 'A Pair of actors names escape me, 'My Own Boots' last issue - May the fleas of Private Idaho' -Keanu Reeves, a thousand camels infest my 'Medicine Man' -Sean Connery, armpits.

—21 — Music Felix 931 18 March 1992 Concrete Blonde Bleach - Walking in London - Killing Time Man's World' sounds like Alannah to get the full and rich rewards Myles. several listening are required, not She doesn't sound like Tammy a record to put on for background Wynette on the country and western relief. I can't believe that people Well, this is quite pleasant. Not that attempt 'Ghost of a Texas Ladies From the first chord of 'First' to the actually buy records simply to put I often listen to pleasant music, but Man'. It's a pleasant voice. Radio dying feedback of 'Tangle' the best on and then go off and do the this is fairly nice for a change. One would probably like this way to describe this is interesting. hoovering. Anyway, after getting From the name of the band, I album. It may not be stunningly That should in no way be that little one off my chest. I can suppose you've guessed that at least original, but it's pleasant fare; easy considered an insult, if anything to strongly recommend this piece of the vocalist is female. And that she on the ears whilst avoiding the contrary. Saili Carson's vocal vinyl as a worthy addition to the wants to be Wendy James. nondescript blandness for the most make you sit up and listen while the more discerning record buyers Actually, more of the album part. Yeah, it's quite good. guitars and drums provide a sort of collection. sounds like Tanita Tikaram, but Freddy Cheese worth. backing that is worth listening on Pebbles there are a couple of Transvision 'Walking in London' is available. its own. This is most definitely not 'Killing Time' is now available Vamp masquerades. And 'It's a now, on IRS/EMI. easy listening though. If you want on Musidisc.

Carter: In their own little hole. Carter USM - The Only Living New Model Army in front of a model town. Boy in New Cross

By Stereo', as the introductory New Model Army sample says. And, at last salvation is reached. The best track on the single (12" - History On first listen, the new Carter single only) by far is 'Watching The Big sounds like a cross between 'Sheriff Apple Turn Over', which, as makes a great change from Fatman' and 'After The you've probably guessed, is a song everything from Rave to Baggie. Watershed'. Should I have expected about New York. The best track by They have described themselves anything else? Perhaps, perhaps far, more orchestrated than any of recently as Hippies with Attitude not. On further listens, it wobbles Carter's previous releases, although NMA have been around now for but I assume this is because of their its way out from this starting point it does show a disturbing tendency over ten years, doing wonders for age/ideals and not to do with their and into a new corner, but still not that Carter may have given up the clog industry. This album floweriness. The album's good if too radically different from taking the piss out of the Pet Shop covers many of their singles. The you have not heard much from them anything they've done before. Boys, and decided that they want to album shows what it has taken to before but I expect the fans are Chrysalis will be happy. The fact be the Per Shop Boys. Flip the give the band such a devout waiting for an album of new that 'Rubbish' s chart placing was single before it's too late, Mr. following and why, even though material. An album of mostly oldies lower than the other two chart Chrysalis. Carter need to climb out they have remained out of the after a live album seems to suggest singles yet again proves that quality from their own little hole before limelight, they are supported on all that touring is wearing them has no guarantee of recognition. they dig their own grave. their seemingly never ending tour down. On the other side lurks a cover Lise Yates dates. The songs, which are often Louse. of The Smiths' 'Panic', not really The Only Living Boy In New very political (5/sf State, High 'History', a retrospective of all such a radical cover as that of Pet Cross is released on April 13, 1992 Wall) are delivered with feeling NMA's EMI singles, with two new Shop Boys or Inspiral Carpets, and - The Love Album is released on both lyrically and musically. It songs, is released on March 23. I wonder why they bothered. 'Death May 5, both through Chrysalis.

—22— 18 March 1992 Felix 931 Music Manic Street Soundgarden Soup Dragons Preachers - Jesus Christ - Divine Thing - Slash 'n' Pose Burn

Oh dear. Oh dear, oh dear. This has Oh, what a heavenly thing this is. One of the better tracks from the really done it. The next issue of The cover is a weird and wacky 'Generation Terrorists' album with ; Felix will be flooded with letters montage that probably has some some wicked lyrics. 'Kill to live, from religious types, and it's all my deep and thoroughly philosophical kill for kicks', oh what naughty fault. What's more, none of them meaning, but its all lost on me. boys. Backed by 'Motown Junk', will have even heard the song. The Deep is one word you most which if I recall was an early single lyrics are actually more or less definitely could not call the record that crashed'n'burned, and 'Ain't immaterial, as they can't actually be though. It makes you want to Goin' Down', perhaps the slowest heard above the solid wall of noise bounce up and down, do an track they have ever released and emerging from the speakers. And impression of Timmy Mallet on a definitely the most suspect number a most agreeable solid wall of noise controlled substance, and generally on the ep. Too quiet by half and I it is too. feel happy. They may counter this do wish they would learn to spell. 12" and CD formats carry a and suggest that I have missed the What more do you want, blood? Black Sabbath cover, 'Into The boat, but who gives a shit. I like it Well there's some of that on the American country Soundgarden. Void', which had its lyrics changed and will probably be the second front and back covers. Happy? due to a protest letter from a Red record I play the next time I'm Pebbles Indian. Somehow I think feeling depressed. (The first being 'Slash 'n' Burn' and the album 9Soundgarden play a short UK Soundgarden are trying to follow 'Smile' by Levitation.) 'Generation Terrorists' are tour to coincide with the release of this precedent. Provocative gits. Pebbles. available now. on Columbia. 'Jesus Christ Pose' on March 30, Nothing but trouble. 'Divine Thing' is released on on A&M. Lise Yates March 30 on Raw TV/Big Life. The Cure Sultans of Ping FC - High - IC Union on 'Disintegration', three years to be labouring under the illusion ago. Both sides. Exactly the same. that they were at an art college. This Face it, this band have survived for would be enough to earn them a bad so long, on nothing new, and have review. Still, who cares? The sight only released a handful of good of Irishmen dressed up in drag, There is absolutely no doubt that songs in the past ten years or so - Firstly, I'd like to congratulate BJ pretending to be The Clash or The this will be a hit, simply because 'In Between Days', 'Close To Me', on his thorough checking of stamps Jam, singing about Ken Barlow, The Cure are massively popular, and a couple of others. If any other at the Sultans Of Ping FC gig, and that of at least some of the and all the people who were going band took as long as this to develop extended even to turning away crowd lying down on their backs to buy it have already done so. they would have been duly slated Shane McGowan of the Pogues, and kicking, in the true Sultans' They're also liked by the BPI, long ago. How do The Cure get until he too had one. tradition. The stagediving was what winning best British group in a year away with it? Who have they been Support provided by the ever pushed me over the edge then. when they didn't actually release sleeping with? lovely Herb, tonight sporting a new Feeling that, logically, I must be any new material. But why? Most Lise Yates bassist and a few new songs. Herb under the influence of some strange of their material sounds exactly the 'High' is out now on are indie pop. Herb are funny, I've and previously undiscovered same, which may have been Fiction/Polydor. The album 'Wish' told you all this before. hallucinogen, I left. different for a while, but this is no is out at the end of April, when The The Sultans Of Ping FC appeared Lise Yates. improvement on any of the songs Cure tour. Music Felix 931 18 March 1992 Eats a Bunny Candyland: God

For those of you staying in fed, and restocked with heaps of 5.30: The appointed time for,the.' bad idea. Felix is eating a tortilla London over the break, here's a box food, wander back, maybe to the interview. Pat and I are in the from one of the support band's to keep you amused while you Marquee for Rosetta Stone, goths, Borderline. Candyland are not. enchiladas, and rearranging the haven't got any lectures to go to. or EMF, with some special guests, Candyland are in two separated vegetables to cover up his misdeed. For those of you not staying in at the Unexplainably small vans, both lost in the one way David Wesley Ayers, guitarist, is London, may I suggest a visit to Underworld. Maybe even do some system of the West End. cutting the middle out of a burger, Norwich in the last week of the revis- 6.15: Two-fifths of Candyland and replacing the bun on top. 2 'A break to see Carter. You might be Poddy, Music Ed. are here. The rest of them are not. hours late, we start... able to see them in London as well, 6.30: The appointed time for the but I don't know where. Or maybe 19 March soundcheck. Candyland are How, when, why did it all start? I do. but I'm not telling you, Boo Hewerdine, Because. £6. struggling down the stairs into the David: A few years ago, I came nonetheless. Mean Fiddler. Borderline, with huge flightcases of over from the States, and wanted to Right, from the top... Boo equipment. Somehow or other, it form a band, and I found Felix on Hewerdine, acoustic guitar, not Trash, Jacob's Mouse, etc. has transpired that Pat and I are also the steps of a mosque. I tell right much else, and Because, ex of £5. carrying cases. away that he was an absolute nutter, Furniture. Brilliant, mind. Trash = Marquee 6.45: Candyland are attempting but he had really good lyrics, he had Jesus Jones, Jacob's Mouse, current to put all their equipment on stage. these scribblings, about forty pieces music press darlings. 20 March Considering that their equipment of paper falling out of his pockets, The Jazz and Rock club night Jazz & Rock Club night. takes up an area the size of Hyde really good stuff. should feature about eightish IC Union Park, and the stage is the size, of the Felix: We come from all over the college bands in the union concert traffic island on Prince Consort world, Diid from Somalia, MC hall. Admission, and other such Mega City 4, Midway Still. Road, this is a major task. Felix from Jamaica, Colin from trivial details are unknown to me, £6. Tod, the singer/songwriter walks Southend, and me from Scotland. I was a fireman, and I came down but I do know that The Pheasant Astoria past me, and says 'God says no to Pluckers and Blue Salamander will fast food.' The significance of this to London on the day of Live Aid. be amongst them. Failing that, out 24,25 March remark escapes me. And then the other members of the band came along. Colin used to in the big wide world live Mega Shakespear's Sister, 8.00: Soundcheck over. work in The City, and all the mone City 4. Candyland. Candyland are being fed. The On the 24 (sold out) and 25 support band are soundchecking he managed to swindle from The March, Shakespear's Sister deny Town & Country Club now. This means that their food has City bought all our early the fact that they're 50% Banana, been left unattended on the table. A equipment. and bring some Candyland along 25 March too. There's already far too much Scorpio Rising, Family Go- of them in this issue, so no more. town. £5. Equally, on the 25th, Scorpio Powerhaus Rising try to organise a gig that ents 26,27 March can't schedule anything against. Ride, Mercury Rev. £7.50. Cowboy Junkies This time they're being attacked by Brixton Academy Shakespear's Sister. Not your month, is it, lads? 28 March - Albert Hall Next up, it's Ride, Going Blank Primal Scream, DJs at the Academy, where Creation Brixton Academy appear to have taken up residence Although any song that contains the for the week, with the well sold out Mark Shaw, My Life Story. lyrics 'Your body for my soul, fair Primal Scream the next day. If £6. swap 'cause cheap is how I feel', you haven't got a ticket, may I Marquee. can't be anything other than intense. suggest you go to the Marquee, and The highlights of the opening set laugh at Mark Shaw, previously of 2 April were the sassy Townes Blues. Then Jerico, getting blown off stage Claytown Troupe, etc. £5. From the balcony in the Albert displaying the early blues by his support, My Life Story. Marquee Hall, we could just about see the influences, and the rejoiner Out There, in April, Claytown waif-like figure that was Margo Cowboy Junkies Lament; written Troupe plug their new album, and 3 April Timms, the Junkie's vocalist. But by Townes Van Zandt. And then it then The Frank And Walters play The Frank & Walters, etc. when the band picked up, there was was over, or so it seemed. After one at the Fulham Gardens which used Fulham Gardens/Hibernian. no doubt who was controlling the hour of pain, rejection and despair, to be the Hibernian or vice versa, show. A voice like that is more than Margo was saying 'Well it's been the whereabouts of which no-one 5,6,7 April spine chilling, becoming ghostly in really cool...'. But then they seems to know. Don't ask London Jesus & Mary Chain, My its power to transfix. Equally eerie returned for another % of an hour Transport, they don't know. Bloody Valentine, Bleurgh, was the subject matter of the songs. and two encores. Included, this time Back at the Academy, now that Dinosaur Jr. £12.50. Whilst always ethereal, there was were the much requested Misguided Creation have moved out, leaving Brixton Academy also a hint of reality that let you Angel with its almost disastrous behind only the recently departed know the Junkies had been there ending and the most ambitious My Bloody Valentine, along with 17 April themselves. No Rhinestone allowed cover of all time—The Velvet's Sweet Jane. This time re-covered in Jesus and Mary Chain, Dinosaur Rosetta Stone, etc. £5. here. the original Lou Reed disjointed Jr., and some other lightweights. Marquee The set was interspersed by Nothing happens for two weeks stories about touring, playing dice, style. Then they were gone. Margo then. Why don't you go and see 21 April dedications to family; even one for wrapped herself in a shawl, waved and wandered off after the rest of your parents? I'm sure they'd love EMF, Special Guests. £7.50. the balcony 'Thank you for coming the band. Who needs volume to see you. That's what someone Underworld tonight, we didn't think we'd fill it'. said to me. When you've seen To choose 'Cause Cheap is how J anyway? them, scrounged some cash, been feel was slightly mocking though. Jon Jordan.

—24— 18 March 1992 Felix 931 Music says 'No' to fast food

You played the British Music a better service for the people who Weekend, at Wembley Arena. buy his records. Creatively, What's it like playing this stage Polydor have no influence. Fiction compared to that one? help us with all our decisions. I think as a band, they'd like us to be less commercial - when we asked- F: The weird thing about playing someone we really liked to remix Wembley isn't that your playing in our record, they said 'Maybe he's front of thousands of people, it's a bit well known as a remixer.' It's that you can't really see them, that's like the other way round to usual, the strangest thing. I mean, we try and persuade them D: It's just like playing in a black that we want to do a video, and they hole or something. say 'Are you sure?' F: And it takes about quarter of an hour to walk across the stage, which You've just finished a tour of is a bit too much like hard work to America. What was that like? me. That's why we like playing D: We spent six weeks in a van, a places like the Borderline. I just Dodge van, and in our last week stick my feet on the spot and can't there, we were on our way to go anywhere. Minneapolis, on an 800 mile drive, and our van came off the road, and 8.15: The support band have started rolled five times, and destroyed all to check their drums in the our equipment, and our tour background. Consequently things manager perforated his jugular, so get a bit difficult to hear. We start we quit then. to eat their burgers. F: We went to L.A. and that was a bunch of wank. Americans didn't You're touring with Shakespear's understand the idea of rave at all. Sister this month. How did you To them it was just a disco, but it Candyland and the amazing flying Felix. get onto that bill? used to mean a lot more to us, at F: We just phoned up their least before the marketing me got manager, and suggested that we're hold of it. A lot of our songs are people asked us. the best band to support them, and inspired by the early rave stuff, 'Bitter Moon' is about being a Lise Yates and they listened all the music, and 'Rainbow' and 'Fountain' were musician, waiting for inspiration, consequently they liked us. What inspired by tracks by people such and the feeling that your life was we liked'about them is that they're as Marshall Jefferson and Jamie being cursed by a moon, or an evil he whose name like us, just a credible pop band, Principle, where people combined eye, or whatever. that's just what we want to be. We an emotional feel, together with a And what 'Rainbow' is about, is Pat interview admire people from Massive Attack very mechanical feel. We want to though if you Wii Radio 1 we'd through to Talk Talk, and The be a band with an emotional feel, teli you ..'. ling different, it's Cocteau Twins. We've never had like The Smiths, but we didn't want about ff; - , 1 he lines 'maybe 1 Candyland. anything in common with the to do it with jangly guitars. shouldJBce a train...', comesJxom shoegazing scene or even the baggy And we went to Salt Lake City, gas about 17 I sp. scene, I mean, last year everyone where the mormons are, and the ndia, to do some charity was staring at their shoes, and we Book Of Mormon is everywhere. it I was useless, taper had nothing to do with it. We told the crowd we were going ffyone at all, I was $£> sick In many ways, a band can reflect to do some Osmonds covers, and re, and that wasHbuld how your life has actually been :- immediately, half the crowd ran would lie downlB the In our first reviews, they said that down the front, and started the train because I «HLs so I as a performer was self-, . . mg. ami hall of then; went the song, thjflLs Mthis destructive, and that's what I mm nTHQpck. and gai * us mis really djgructio i < cning., been accused of all my life. OnelME f dirty look. It was,is polans^^s I'M SO* the reasons I joined this band was that. It's n ally slraiige there. Pet^ple Sow that for all my life,T've never been are madd^^^^Kdue^^N^K part of any scene, and it seemed like Mil ' '<..; III'. the only solution to this is to buikf cleanest places y )to, but a scene all around myself, andjaHj the people hag ked due ; »: BhSTBklleq friends. That's what we want to WD to living |rdereJ tetpd hav - mla §|./ th is to start our own scene. AJEB society. Pt ..... p mad,' attjheir safli sometime I see the way that thS ijhere. jjj§ . . l the fact band is. as if it's come to mirror! IU, i t. i ' glasses during whatever has gone on in my life, -how ying to do F: I wish we had a hijjjhop band and the other people in this band's shows in 3D supporting us. Hip hop» the new life. blues. >> ruiilic a i :u-; . ;i What are your songs about? blues band, I don't kndji what is. What's the deal between Poly dor F: There are songs about all kind and your record label, Fiction? of things. With 'Fountain', 9Candyland support Sh&kespear's V: All the control stays with everybody thought it was about Sister on their tour, Jjiw. The Fiction, they just did a deal with ejaculation, and it wasn't, but we album 'Suck It And See' will '>e out Polydor to gal better distribution. decided just to say 'yes' when Feature Felix 931 18 March 1992

Somewhere, buried deep inside records show changes in conditions who believe that any change will be that part of the subconscious visited from year to year and we all know gradual and that mankind will be only by exceptionally nosy that the weather can change able to cope. At the other, there are psychiatrists, must lie our basic suddenly, from clear and dry, to those who look at the carefully need to panic. Over just the last few cloudy and wet in a matter of balanced ecosystems of the tropical decades, we have worried our minutes. All these changes, on all rainforests and the masses of ice at collective way, from the Red these different timescales, are (for the edge of the Antarctic and predict Menace and Nuclear holocausts, want of a better word) completely mass extinctions and an inundation through to chronic overpopulation 'natural'. The atmosphere is nearly, of 'biblical' proportions. and AIDS. It seems that people if not totally, chaotic. We do not yet fully understand have always needed that 'little If mankind is changing the the way the atmosphere and oceans something' to keep them awake at climate, the effects will not be easy behave. Until we do, it would be night. to see amid all the background wise to treat any predictions of What all these paranoias shared noise. There will definitely be no climate change with a certain was a basis in truth surrounded by steady increase in temperature. amount of scepticism; equally it a mass of myth and speculation. There will be no simple obvious would be a serious mistake to say The same is true of the current signs. We do not even know exactly that human activity is NOT leading favourite: the nineties nightmare of what to look for or even if we have to global warming. catastrophic global warming. We seen it already. It should be remembered that, are told that, if mankind does not That last point is especially supporting all the predictions from cut back on the use of fossil fuels, important. Whatever you may hear the most conservative to the frankly ridiculous, there is a perfectly valid and coherent theory. There is some evidence to back it up and, ignoring all the arguments over the details, Global Warmi it is remarkably straight forward.

THE THEORY If mankind is causing global warming this must be due to an enhanced 'greenhouse effect'. The key word there is 'enhanced': the greenhouse effect is neither a new theory nor a controversial one. It is the greenhouse effect that keeps the surface of this planet warm enough to live on. Like any complicated machine, the Earth requires a constant supply of energy and the source for almost all this energy is the high frequency, short wavelength, radiation from the Sun. Yet back of the envelope calculations, equating the energy supplied by the Sun with the energy which must be radiated away by the Earth simply by virtue of its surface temperature, suggest that this the consequences could be from some quarters, there is little temperature should be around Part I. Jason catastrophic, not just for us, but for evidence that we have witnessed the minus 20 degrees Celsius. much of the life on this planet. first signs of climate change. The factor that is missing from This is an extreme view, based as Certainly, the theory that the Great the back of the envelope, and which Lander, one much on imagination as Storm which hit Britain in October makes the planet habitable, is the investigation, but at its heart lie hard 1988 was a direct result of action of the atmosphere. time IC student facts and carefully thought out increasing temperatures, an idea All bodies must radiate energy. scientific theories: the trick is reinforced by a recent Government- In the vacuum of space, this energy finding them. inspired advertising campaign, is can only be in the form of and now a Global warming is, according to very much a matter of dispute. It electromagnetic waves: waves with the most simplistic theories, a would be equally valid to say that characteristic frequencies and wholly man-made problem: we a warmer world would lead to wavelengths. Physical theory says meteorologist at burn fossil fuels and the fewer such storms, not more. that this frequency must be related temperature rises - simple cause and It gets worse. If we accept that to the surface temperature of the effect. This is, not to put so fine a global warming is a reality, and we body: a warmer body will emit Reading point on it, ill-informed do see a large increase in the global radiation of higher frequency and 'ecobabble'. average temperature, we have no shorter wavelength. The radiation The climate, or 'average' real idea of what this will bring. We reaching the warm Earth from the University, looks weather, of this planet has never know that if the global average much hotter Sun will be of shorter been fixed. Geological records temperature increases, the polar ice wavelength than that emitted from into the show that the Earth has undergone caps will begin to melt and sea the planet itself. huge changes in surface levels will rise. We know that a All gases can absorb radiated temperature with a whole series of change in the distribution of rain energy but will not absorb all turbulent ice ages, each tens of thousands of will affect the distribution of plant frequencies of radiation. In years long, separated by warmer growth. What we do not know is particular, certain gases in the periods like the present day. The how drastic these changes will be. Earth's atmosphere, the so-called atmosphere. century, or so, of man-made At one extreme, there are those 'greenhouse gases', are largely

—26- 18 March 1992 Felix 931 Feature transparent to shortwave solar THE UNCERTAINTIES: The properties of clouds are also research. The uncertainty is such radiation but more opaque to the THE AIR... affected by industrial activity. It is that most researchers split the long-wave, infra-red, radiation Water vapour is, as I said, a a peculiarity of the atmosphere that greenhouse effect into a clear-sky emitted from the planet's surface. 'greenhouse gas' and so is partially clouds will form more readily in effect, about which they are fairly These gases effectively trap the responsible for warming the lower 'dirty' polluted air. This is simply unanimous, and a cloudy-sky effect, outgoing radiation in the lower atmosphere. Yet paradoxically, it is because the water droplets need where they cannot always agree on levels of the atmosphere and so a cosmic fluke that, on Earth, water something to form round as they the sign, let alone the magnitude, keep the surface warm. can also exist as a solid and liquid grow, and in polluted air there is a of any temperature change. The most important of these gases which helps keep the temperature large supply of convenient, floating, ...THE PLANET... is not, as is frequently supposed, stable. muck. The oceans can also greatly affect carbon dioxide (C02), but water Air cools as it moves up through Mankind produces a large the climate. The atmosphere and vapour. Not only is water vapour the atmosphere, and the water amount of this dirt in the form of ocean are not independent but spread throughout the lower vapour within it condenses out to sulphur compounds which, like linked. It is impossible to describe atmosphere but there are also, form clouds. C02, come from the burning of one without considering the other. effectively, inexhaustible reservoirs At the simplest level, clouds can fossil fuels. Unlike C02, however, Ask an oceanographer why the of the stuff iocked-up' in oceans reflect the shortwave radiation from the sulphur compounds act to cool flow in the Atlantic is as it is, and and polar ice-caps. It is the fact that the Sun back into space, stopping the planet by changing the way the they will reply that it depends on the the temperature on this planet is it ever reaching and warming the clouds absorb and reflect radiation. distribution of the wind. Ask a such that water can exist as solid, meteorologist why we see these liquid, and all-important vapour, winds, and you will be told that it which means that this temperature is intimately related to the surface (and life as we know it) can be temperature of the ocean. It is only sustained. Would be philosophers recently that attempts have been can make of this what they please. made to describe the atmosphere Even though it is pipped for the and ocean as a single system. place of chief greenhouse gas, by It has long been known that water water vapour, the effect of C02 is far more effective than air at certainly cannot be neglected. C02 storing and transporting heat. A is a strong absorber of long-wave large fraction of the energy radiation. There is no dispute that transported, some say as high as mankind has been pumping 50%, around the planet is

This is Like driving with the ill-informed accelerator 'ecobabble' down and the brakes on.

significant amounts of the gas into transported by the oceans. Yet the the atmosphere continuously for study of the ocean has always well over a century. It can be lagged behind that of the argued, with a horrible plausibility, atmosphere. that this must lead to the trapping This was partly a practical of more and more of the outgoing problem; the atmosphere is easier radiation and an inevitable increase to study than the ocean simply in the surface temperature. because you cannot breath the It is not just C02. In recent years, surface. Nothing is ever that simple: One expert, from the United ocean. But there is also the matter even more potent greenhouse gases clouds can also emit outgoing long- Kingdom Meteorological Office, of priority. People, from farmers to have been introduced, including the wave radiation back down, trapping has described the effect of fighter pilots, need to know what ultimate chemical bad guys, the heat. That is why a cloudy winter producing copious amounts of both the weather is going to do 'ozone-guzzling' Chloro-Fluoro- night is generally warmer than a as rather like 'driving with the tomorrow. It had always been Carbons (CFCs). According to the clear one. accelerator full down and the brakes assumed that, as the basic patterns simple theory, this can only make Whether clouds warm or cool on at the same time'. of ocean temperature and matters worse. depends on more than just the time It is worth mentioning that one of circulation vary comparatively little The simple theory seems of day. The height and thickness of the few ecological measures agreed from day to day, the small changes damning, and if it were all that the cloud, its temperature, whether upon, by the majority of which do occur have little impact mattered, global warming would be it is made of liquid water or ice, and industrialised countries, is a on the atmosphere. In the short understood. This is far from the the size of the droplets making it up, reduction in the sulphur emissions term, this is largely true. In the truth. The simple theory is based on are all highly significant. Some which are known to be responsible longer term, when studying not the the idea of a balance between the recent work from the National for acid rain. To continue the weather but the climate, these slow radiation absorbed by the Centre for Atmospheric Research motoring metaphor, this is akin to variations can make all the atmosphere and the energy supplied (NCAR) in the United States releasing the brake. It is ironic that difference. by the sun. It neglects the fact that predicts that a small decrease in the in reducing one environmental The work which has been done the atmosphere is constantly average size of cloud water droplets problem, we could easily be has revealed that the movement of moving, transporting heat, water in the lower atmosphere could worsening another. water throughout the oceans is vapour and other gases up and down completely counteract the currently The study of the effects of cloud every bit as complicated as the and across the surface of the globe. predicted greenhouse warming. is a relatively new branch of climate movement of air in the atmosphere.

—27— Feature Felix 931 18 March 1992

Most atmospheric phenomena have shape of the orbit, and solar organisms have on the planet. But constantly moving up and down, equivalents in the ocean. activity, that affect the climate. even ignoring man and all his between the dark, inhospitable Atmospheric cyclones and Among the first people to industry, even ignoring all things depths and the surface. anticyclones, the large-scale rapidly investigate this idea was a Yugoslav animal, the effect of life on Earth, It is only in the spring, when the rotating masses of air which so astronomer, Milutin Milankovich, the biosphere, is phenomenal. oceans are at their calmest and the affect the British weather, are very working during the 1920s and '30s. On land, forests can act as . plankton remain close to the similar in structure to so called He calculated that these long term gigantic wind breaks sucking surface, that large amounts of C02 ocean gyres. Jets, the variations could, over the space of energy from the atmosphere. are absorbed. Dr Woods argues geographically fixed regions of fast a hundred thousand years, account Growing crops can alter the rate at that, if a warmer world were to flowing air or water, can be found for variations in sunlight of as much which water evaporates, and affect mean more turbulent oceans, the in both the atmosphere and the as 20%. Experiments running for rainfall, and leaf cover can reduce annual period of calm would ocean. thousands of years are not yet the amount of radiation reaching the become shorter, the plankton would The greatest difference is in the possible, but work has been done ground. Conversely, changes in be unable to absorb as much gas, scale of motion. Ocean gyres are of to investigate how well the temperature and radiation can alter and the enhanced greenhouse effect orders of magnitude smaller than Milankovich theory works in the the growth of the plants. The would be enhanced still more. atmospheric cyclones: tens of shorter term. Not all climate rainforests, in particular, can thrive There is evidence to suggest that the kilometres rather than thousands. researchers are that taken with the only in a climate that changes little 7 degree warming, that ended the The water in gyres and oceanic jets results. throughout the year. last ice age, was due, at least in travels at speeds of a few Recent work comparing changes It is possible to add the effect the part, to creatures too small to be centimetres per second compared in the average Northern hemisphere plant-life has on the atmosphere to seen. with the tens of metres per second land temperature, with variations in the models. It is considerably more There will be some changes that for atmospheric flows. The slow the solar cycle, shows an difficult to include the effects of the no-one can predict. Changes, not in speeds do not make the ocean the atmosphere or the ocean or the circulation any less energetic than biosphere but, in the Earth itself. It the atmospheric flow: water is is known that the huge quantities of typically one thousand times denser dust and ash, thrown out by than air and even a slowly moving volcanic eruptions, can cool the mass can have a lot of clout. surface of the planet. There was What the lower velocities much talk about the global cooling

The most The effect of life important factor on the biosphere of all: the politics of is phenomenal climate change

involved in ocean circulation do caused by the recent eruption of mean is that the ocean responds to Mount Pinatubo, in the Philippines, any forcing much more slowly than and it has been argued that it was the atmosphere. The oceans can act an 'artificial winter', produced by as the planet's long term 'memory'. the dust from a colossal meteor The oceans are more resistant to strike, that wiped out the dinosaurs. change than the atmosphere and it Climate research could easily has been suggested that their degenerate into arguments along the presence will actually delay the lines of 'what if this...', 'what if onset of any greenhouse effect that...': anything you can do, we global warming. The downside is can find a perfectly valid counter- that even if man and his industry astonishing correlation. The link is atmosphere on the plants, argument. Theories are no good were to disappear off the face of the so strong that it implies that Most importantly, for anyone without either observational, or Earth tomorrow, it would be radiative effects are almost the sole worrying about the enhanced experimental backing. Experiments centuries before the atmosphere and cause of climatic variation. greenhouse effect, plants absorb are impractical as there is no lab oceans recovered. It is rather like Considering the accuracy, and C02. It is believed that photo- large enough to hold a thirteen- pushing a large mass on a trolley. general applicability, of both sets of plankton, microscopic plants living thousand-kilometre wide ball of It may take some time and effort to records, many researchers are in the upper layers of the world's rock. It is for this reason that get it moving but when it is, it inclined to put the size of the oceans, absorb around 30% of the climatic experiments must resort to becomes very, very difficult to stop. correlation down to a statistical carbon dioxide released into the simplified mathematical models, So far, this has been a rather fluke. No one is arguing that the atmosphere every year, and computing, with all the parochial discussion of climate effects of changes in incoming John Woods, of the Natural problems this brings. The only way change dealing only with changes radiation are negligible. Environment Research Council we can discover what happens on in the planet itself. I have ignored (NERC), believes that models will the real Earth is through observations, and these too have the variations in the amount of solar ...AND LIFE ITSELF one day soon have to include at least their own problems. radiation reaching, and powering, Even the most complicated, the effects of plankton. Plankton the planet. There are also small sophisticated, theoretical models of can only feed and absorb carbon- In the second of these articles, I changes associated with the slight our planet, must be gross dioxide when there is enough will look at what this evidence is, eccentricity of the Earth's orbit, but simplifications of what happens in sunlight available for them to what experiments have been done, these have periods of only a year. the real world. Most large scale photosynthesise. As the and what could be the most It is believed that it is longer term climate models are effectively dead: microscopic plants are carried along important factor of all: the politics changes, the tilt of the planet, the they ignore the influence that living with the ocean current they are of climate change.

—28— 18 March 1992 Felix 931 Felix

Please note that to gain the full with a 'zee', not a 'zed') need to several times), have been kind, mix can be a most excellent experience of this article, you must take some full on cooking lessons. warm, and, yes, even helpful- adventure. The best example ofthis plug your nose and drop the London Give me a break! There's no way honest! When Cindy and I get warm kindness can be seen in my accent. We advise this due to the on earth they even begin to taste lost—London, Bath, Brighton, or recent adventures in Russia when fact that expert linguists (a Scouse, anything like they were meant to! wherever—people just seem to my wallet, money and credit cards a Swiss, and a wanna be 112 You guys totally need wine coolers, know and walk over to us and either were stolen. People I barely knew American) tell us that we have a wanker roasts, In-n-Out burgers, point us in the right direction or take were offering me use of their credit nasal sound. and 24 hrs Denny's to get the full us there (I've often wondered if we cards and cash—for whatever I We weren't quite sure what to American flavour. But then again, just look like totally pathetic needed! Not 'at home! No trust or expect when we scouted out London we ain't in Kansas no more, Toto, dweebs). Sainsbury's is also an eye such concern there when it comes Semester at Long Beach State. even though certain companies opener—trying to describe Crisco to strangers and money. On that Supposedly cultured and educated think they are! to a 'Brit' can be quite exasperating, same trip, after my companions had people (actually, just stiff) told us We were also warned that all but they always listen, and usually a bit of Jack Daniels, peppered what to and not to do as well as English people were cold, and that laugh. By the way, Crisco is not vodka, and champagne it was what to and not to say. In short, we it was perfectly fine to refer to them something that one does or doesn't announced that 'Brits' was not a were told exactly what London and as Brits. Not! First of all, 'Brits do, unless it's in connection with real word, and kind a' annoying ya' England were like from people who aren't cold! We found that most of mud wrestling or twister. Even know—you know like, yanks and thought they knew. What we found the people we've run into (once or trying to find plain dry white cake American or Beefeaters and is a whole other story... yoeman. Everyone at home told us to beware of the food and the people! They told us to 'try everything— LA Women invade London but don't get your hopes up; the height in English food is the availability of foreign foods.' We By Cindy were told to avoid English stuff and to go for Indian or Thai. 'English food is bland, thick, and you'll hate Madden and it.' We were advised to get a flat i with a kitchenette so we could do Jennifer our own American cooking lest we starve or toss our cookies! Agreed! But we have some favorites: Simmons, who rashers, crumpets and breads, tea, cider, snakebites (with blackcurrant, or course!). are now taking However, Coke, Rosarita, Campbells, and Heinz (note: Heinz English lessons

ROYAL COLLEGE OF SCIENCE CHARITY CRICKET MATCH Truly Frightening & BALL Many Imperial students will be In a callous trial of these new unaware of the recent advances that weapons students are driven into the Saturday May 2nd have been made in a sinister laboratories, or 'bathrooms', to be PIMMS TENT & CROQUET research programme being carried infected by spores. They are then out at a secret laboratory complex subjected to cruel demands for all afternoon in West London. Felix can reveal money referred to by scientists as BOUNCY CASTLE in the following exclusive article the 'rent'. Once infected few students & BUCKING BRONCO nature of these studies. resist payment, deluded into all night The experiments involve believing that they face a long, development of spores thought to slow, painful death if these requests form effective biological weapons. are challenged. CAPITAL FM ROADSHOW Discoveries made at IC have Scientists at Porton Down, the 5pm 'til 7pm enabled scientists to grow these Government's biological and spores on mass. Incubating chemical weapons research unit, laboratories have been given the claimed 'We don't know what the CAMPAGNE RECEPTION secret codename 'the bathrooms', hell you're talking about. Try SUMPTUOUS MEAL and disguised with ordinary calling a plumber for God's sake.' TWO BANDS bathroom fittings. The site, code name CLAY-P- DISCO 'til the early hours Water appears to be a key factor ZERO-nds or CLAY-P-O-nds, has in the process. One senior insider been likened to the area round said 'Ooh, init shocking? Water Chernobyl. One student claimed FREE TRANSPORT TO AND FROM floods all over the floor and behind 'You can't go near the place now, SILWOOD the bath and it starts it all growing, it's like - ZONE 3 - too far out dunnit..'. She added mysteriously man... far out, you know what I DOUBLE TICKET 'but why are you asking me love, mean?'. ONLY £70 I'm only the cleaner.' Cleaner - Name and address suppressed by clearly being a pseudonym for a FROM RCSU OFFICE OR ICU OFFICE Official Secrets Act. senior laboratory technologist. Felix Felix 931 18 March 1992

So the last issue of the term comes on and are usually so thick that they astronomical, that they wouldn't around again and they have given let even the most confidential news make it to the interview due to a me a whole page... fanfare of out after only a few G&T's. How bomb scare on the underground trumpets please. I have survived do you think we found out about (again) and all times langing from another term without being sued for this scandal in the first place. one minute to one hour. As we libel, which really is quite a surprise Should I name them? Have J.any understand it Declan has managed all things considering. However, integrity at all? Do I want to be at to wangle a job working for the this may be changed by this issue College next year? 1 can honestly BBC over the summer so you never as some very interesting details answer yes to all three of these know we may see him standing have come to light regarding some question but as they are a conflict outside Westminster yet! rather important college of interests all 1 can say is Mr G and And now, the sloppy bit... management type people. As you Ms S, you got away with it this It was leap year this year, and it would have read in the news round time! seems as though romance was up for this term (if you haven't read What I can report on though is definitely in the air for some. Simon it you really should, Declan did a my fellow Felixites. Declan Curry Gibbons (RCS VP) and Sarah storming report and is in danger of deserves a mention, anyone who is Goodchild (Rag Treasurer) are now being sued himself if you ask me), capable of spending 36 minutes in pledged to be wed, but who popped the 'Who's sleeping with who in conference with Peter Brooke, the question? When confronted in Sherfield/Princes Gardens' award secretary of State for Northern the bar recently both of them denied has had to be dropped. Could this Ireland, is worth a mention asking the other but rumour has it perhaps have something to do with especially as I won the sweep stake that it went something like the The Dear Marge Column following: In the final Simon: Sarah, you're looking worried. Sarah: Yes. will you marry me? arrivederci of The big question is what was she looking worried about? Her forthcoming election campaign, the the term, Marge ladder in her stockings, the time of her next lecture or something else? Answers on a post card please to the lashes out at all Felix office; we might even be able to find a prize for the most and sundry, and imaginative answer. Still on the subject of 29th February, Simon and Sarah were not the only two damn those libel with the irresistable desire to do something completely barmy, two people got married! And they were writs! drunk at the time - exceedingly so as we have heard. It was the day of the FKH booze cruise to France, they were in France and obviously in love, not necessarily with each other, but they were in love. She popped the question, he said yes (foolish man), they found a registry office and kaboom they were man and wife. We have had reports that they were so drunk they don't remember doing it, but if you ask me, to be that drunk you would normally have to be passed out in a corner. Oh well, congratulations to Mr and Mrs Chris Collinson of Falmouth Keogh Hall. What I want to know now is - has it been consummated yet, and if so how does Yasmin's long term boyfriend the fact that the two non-students held in the office for how long he feel about all this? involved are both married and one would actually last in the interview gained her job by somewhat room, although after hearing I really have nothing more to say dubious means? Or maybe it is just Declan's interview technique I except to all those people out in the because Felix has gained some wouldn't have been surprised if Mr quad on Friday night / Saturday journalistic integrity over the last Brooke had had to leave because of morning - that was not at all discreet few months and is no longer nervous stress. My ticket was and unavoidable! (It was Marge attempting to stir up the shit with 35-39.59 minutes, other herself - oh. the hypocrisy of it all the largest wooden spoon available? possibilities were that Declan - Ed) We could find out for definate by wouldn't get past security, that the Happy Easter to everyone and for ringing Mr. G's secretary - they time it would take for Declan to those of you who do beleive in the always seem to know what's going read out the first question would be Easter Bunny, enjoy your eggs!

-30- 18 March 1992 Felix 931 What's On

An up-to-the-minute guide to events Dance Club 7.00pm in and around Imperial College. JCR. Beginners Ballroom & Latin. The deadline for entries for this Real Ale Society editorial page is the Monday prior to Meeting 7.30pm publication. Union Lounge. Lots of good booze. 'I'm not a Scot, but you only have self-important journalists. Thirdly, IC Shotokan Karate 7J0pm to go to Scotland to see how the Evasions. WEDNESDAY Southside Gym. Scottish it, in fact, is.' Interviewer: What is your Fitness Club 12.45pm Dance Club 8.00pm This stunningly inane comment, party's position on Scottish Southside Gym. Intermediate. JCR. Improvers Ballroom & Latin. or one very similar to it (I didn't devolution?" Bike Club 12.45pm Southside Disco 8.30pm have time to write it down), was Politician: 'Firstly, let me make Southside Lounge. Southside Bar. made by a senior British politician it quite clear that our party ICSF Meeting 1.00pm ICCAG Soup Run 9.15pm on the midday news last Sunday. wholeheartedly supports the objects AGM and Elections in ICSF Library. Meet Weeks Hall Basement. The fact that it was the Prime and ideals of European Union. I. Cycling Training 1.30pm Minister who said this is irrelevant, myself, have travelled across the Meet at Beit Arch. FRIDAY it could very well have been any EEC to study the economic health Wargames 1.00pm Hang Gliding 12.39pm politician. The only reason I bring of small nations ' (etc). UDH. All welcome. Southside Upper Lounge. up that it was the PM is because I Interviewer: 'Is your umbrella Micro Club Meeting 1.15pm Conservative Soc 12.30pm asked myself why we elected him stripey, or does it have spots?" Top floor NW corner Union Physics 737. as PM, only to realise a few seconds Politician T don't think that is Building. Rag Meeting 12.40pm later that we didn't. really the issue at stake in this Kung Fu 1.30pm Union Lounge. Everyone welcome. The five main strategies instance, but what I do think is Union Gym. 3rd World First 12.45pm politicians use during their important is that when the right DramSoc Improv Class 2.30pm Upper Southside Lounge. skirmishes with the media include circumstances arise, we will piay Union SCR (old Union Office). Labour Club Meeting 1.00pm the Complete and Utter Denial, the our cards close to our chest, we will Professional tuition. Maths 408. Club members welcome. Rottweiler Strategy, the 7 think the defend the sovereignity of these Diving 6.30pm Friday Prayers 1.00pm question that is important is...' islands and we will not allow the Swimming Pool. Southside Gym. See Islamic Society. Evasion, the Furious Argument and economy to be hijacked by Yet more Stoic 7.00pm Kung Fu 4.30pm the rarely seen 'Man of the People' unscrupulous quick-buck Shaolin Kungfu System Union Gym. directive. fly-by-nights....' Nam - Pai - Chuan 7.00pm C.U. Prayer Meeting 5.00pm Remember that a politician is The reason for taking this path Southside Gym. All Welcome. 413 Maths. playing to an audience, and in 'the could be that either that the Basketball Club 7.30pm Christian Union Denial' the audience is assumed to politician doesn't know the answer Volleyball court. Meeting 6.00pm be plain thick, which correctly but won't admit it, that the question Kung Fu Club 7.30pm 308 Computing. targets a large percentage of the is somewhat sensitive so he or she Union Gym. Wu Shu Kwan. Swimming 6.30pm population. Example: won't answer it or that he or she is Libido 9.30pm Sports Centre. Interviewer: 'Will you negotiate determined to say something on a Ents Club Night in Union Lounge. Fencing Club Training 6.40pm with a third party if there is a hung particular subject and no jumped up Club training. parliament?' little toad of a journalist is going to THURSDAY Stoic on Air 7.00pm Politician: 'Well, as we are going stop them. The 'Furious Argument' Fencing Training 11.30am Shaolin Kungfu System to win the next election, this cannot be scripted. It involves two Intermediate & advanced coaching. Nam - Pai - Chuan 7.30pm situation will not arise.' politicians shouting each other Balloon Club Meeting 12.30pm Southside Gym. All welcome. Interviewer: 'Your party has a down simultaneously. The benefits Southside Upper Lounge. Water Polo 7J0pm reputation for raising taxes to fund of this are twofold - the interviewer YHA Meeting 12.30pm Sports Centre. the public sector...' can't ask anything and the listener Southside Upper Lounge. Southside Disco 8.30pm Politician: 'No it doesn't.' can't understand anything. Next the Postgrad Lunch 12.30pm Southside Bar. Subtlety does not play a major 'Man of the People.' Chaplains Office (10 Princes EARN part in this ploy. Next, the Interviewer: 'Your party's Gardens). ££££s Rottweiler 'Maul the Interviewer' economic policies have been Fencing Training 12.30pm Part-Time Attack. damned as unworkable widely in Beginners Training. by introducing a highly Politician in mid-spiel: ' and the press. How would you 'Central America Week' successful new discount club I say again that under no respond?' Meeting 12.45pm to your friends circumstances will we...' Politician: T was born and Clubs Committee Room. Organised No stock to handle (Interviewer makes sounds of brought up in a run down street in No sales to make by 3rd World 1st. getting word in edgeways) a dismal midlands town. My father It's brilliant and it works Legs, Bums, Turns 1.00pm Politician: 'no, no, let me finish Full Details was killed in a mining accident and Southside Gym. Every week. Phone: 071-627 3046 this point, you can have your say all twenty of us children were Gliding Club Meeting 1.00pm when I've finished you didn't brought up by our one legged Aero 266. interrupt Mr Bloggs of the mother - the other one was lost Fencing Training 1.30pm Small Ads oppposite party when he had his when a German bomb destoyed our General. EXTRA Cash for men or women say ' etcetera. home - it wasn't much but we called STOIC News J.OOpm working part time or full time. Interviewer: 'Will your party it home - so don't talk to me about Fitness Club 5.30pm Telephone 071-627 3046. increase the funding of public economics. In fact, in 1968 ' Southside Gym. Advanced. ICSF AGM and Elections: transport if it gets into power?' etc. Midweek Event 5.30pm Wednesday 18th March, 1pm, Politician: 'I am shocked that you This latter shot actually included Chaplains Office (10 Prince's ICSF Library. Possible book buy attempt to make political capital out some evasion and attack as well, Gardens). soon—call in for details. of such tragedies as the Clapham and said nothing of any relevance. Dance Club 6.00pm WANTED—Old but servicable Rail disaster. Absolutely apalling. A pretty good example. The basic JCR. Intermediate/Advanced laboratory equipment is desperately Two of my constituents were premise of a politicians answer is Ballroom & Latin. need for hospitals in Romania. seriously wounded in that episode to take as long possible, thus Step Fitness Club 6.30pm Equipment required includes: - I know because I saw them in reducing the opportunity for the Southside Gym. £1 for students. counting chambers, colorimeters, hospital....' interviewer to object or issue Excellent fitness training. flame photometers, small This ploy is intended to make the further questions. Their motto is Judo Club 6.30pm centrifuges, microhaematocrit, audience empathise with the poor, 'senatorus silenti senatorus mortus" Gym. blood gas analysers, microscopes. beleagured politician who is only - a silent politician is a dead STOIC. Into The Night 7.00pm If you can help please contact Sue trying to do his job but is being politician. Watch out for them. 'Exceptional Evening Entertainment' on extension 7424 or 7502. brutally and maliciously attacked by They are coming your way soon.

—31 — Felix is produced for and behalf of the Imperial College Union Publications Board and is printed by the Imperial College Union Print Unit, Prince Consort Road, London SW7 2BB. (Tel: 071-225 8672). Editor: Adam Harrington, Business Manager: Jeremy Burnell. Copyright Felix 1992. ISSN 1040-0711.