Contents

Acknowledgments x Introduction to the Tenth Anniversary Edition xii Preface xiv

1. Working Together to Create a Holy Context 1 Planning with Intention/Kavanah 4 Informed Jewish Decision Making and You 4 An Evolutionary View of Jewish History and Customs 4 : An Ongoing Conversation Responding to Ever-Changing Circumstances 6 A Model to Consider 8 Two Exercises to Frame Your Decision Making 10 Visions of 10 Families in Formation 12 Remarriage 14

2. Jewish Rituals 15 How Have Rituals Evolved? 15 From the Bible to the Early Modern Period 15 Modernity and Beyond 20 What Does This Have to Do with Your Jewish Wedding? 22 A World of Decisions and Choices 23 What to Call Your Ceremony 24 What to Include in Your Ceremony 25 Prelude 25 The Wedding Canopy: Chuppah 25 Arriving at the Chuppah (or the Spot Where the Ritual Will Take Place) 30 Circling 33 The Betrothal Ceremony: /Eirusin 36 Welcome 36 vi contents From Beyond Breaking the Glass. Copyright © 2012 by the Central Conference of American . Used by permission of Central Conference of American Rabbis. All rights reserved. Not to be distributed, sold or copied without express written permission. Blessing for Wine 37 Blessing of Betrothal: Birkat Eirusin 38 The 40 Getting or Making aKetubah 42 Reading Your Ketubah 45 Signing Your Ketubah 45 The Ceremony: Nisuin/Chuppah 47 Rings and Vows 47 Vow Variations 51 The Wedding Address 54 Seven Blessings: Sheva B’rachot 54 Breaking a Glass 56 The Pronouncement 59 The Role of Clergy in Civil and Legal Matters 60 Recessional: Formally Ending the Ceremony 62 Additional Blessings 63 Shehecheyanu 63 The Priestly Blessing: Birkat Kohanim 64 A Communal Vow or Blessing 65 Involving Friends and Relatives in the Ceremony 66 Some Pre- and Post-Ceremony Rituals on the Day of Your Kiddushin 68 Veiling: Bedeken 68 Tisch 69 Time Alone after the Ceremony: 70 Sharing Your Good Fortune with Others: 71

3. A Holy Process: Months and Weeks of Pre-Wedding Rituals and Celebrations 73 Personal Preparation Time before Your Kiddushin 73 Spiritual Preparation 74 74 Fasting 77 Remembering the Past 77

contents vii From Beyond Breaking the Glass. Copyright © 2012 by the Central Conference of American Rabbis. Used by permission of Central Conference of American Rabbis. All rights reserved. Not to be distributed, sold or copied without express written permission. T’nai-im: What Should Be in Place Prior to Your Kiddushin 78 An Party Option 79 Celebrating with Community 80 Aufruf 80 Preparing with Family and Friends 81 Henna 82 Food and Music 83

4. The Non-Ritual Elements 85 The 85 Engaging a Rabbi: A Modern Jewish Phenomenon 85 Choosing a Rabbi 86 Interfaith Marriage: A Historic Look 89 Your Shared History of Religious Decision Making 90 Religious Decision Making and Your Wedding 92 Availability and Fees 94 Premarital Meetings 94 The Date 95 Considering Your Personal Calendars 95 Considering the Jewish Calendar 96 The Day of the Week 96 Shabbat and Holidays 97 Personal Mourning Periods 98 Collective Mourning Periods 99 Considering Convenience 100 The Location 101 The Wedding Party 103 The Reception 103 Rejoicing and Recognition 103 Food, Music, and Photographic Mementos 106 Cost 109 Clothing 110 Wedding Booklet 112

viii contents From Beyond Breaking the Glass. Copyright © 2012 by the Central Conference of American Rabbis. Used by permission of Central Conference of American Rabbis. All rights reserved. Not to be distributed, sold or copied without express written permission. 5. Postscript: Making Your Home a Holy Space 113

Appendices A. Wedding Rituals Checklist 115 B. Planning Timeline 119 C. Creating a Wedding Booklet 126 d. Chuppot 130 e. 132 f. Birkat Eirusin Variations 133 g. Sheva B’rachot Variations 135 h. Additional Resources 155

Glossary 158 Photo and Art Credits 167

contents ix From Beyond Breaking the Glass. Copyright © 2012 by the Central Conference of American Rabbis. Used by permission of Central Conference of American Rabbis. All rights reserved. Not to be distributed, sold or copied without express written permission.