Gene Nichol: the Father of Anna Nicole's Baby???
Total Page：16
File Type：pdf, Size：1020Kb
Outrageous headline completely unsubstantiated by article -- page 16 April Fools Established An “independent” 2005 publication by JoJo and (nope, no conservative think tanks here) THE FAT HEAD Mandy KEEPING A DEA D ISSUE ALIVE : PART 14 OF A 69-PART SERIES Campus Po ’lice be Gene Nichol: The hatin, source exclaims Li’l Stevie NelNel SA Senator, Fat Head Editor, Corruption Extraordinaire (Emeritus) “Fuck da po ’lice, especially these William and Mary ones, and es- Father of Anna pecially that one that opened the donut rack usin excessive force, makin all the innocent students inside feel uncomfortable, cause, geez, a man can’t be a man if he can’t walk into a damn Wawa without feelin like he’s bein investigated Nicole’s Baby??? by the po ’lice for j-walkin cross Richmond road or using $5 from the Student Assembly reserves for a sammie or some shit,” according to a source Most likely not close to The Fat Head that is anonymous. The source is really really close to The Fat JoJo Head in fact, maybe even an editor, maybe even The Almighty (Emeritus) me. But I’ll never tell. File Photo “So I was just standin there in line doin my JOHNSON The Fat Head has learned that several thing and such when Bam! this pig walks in all An actual WM police sources have been told within The Flat brandishin his mustache like that he own the officer in 1983 Hat’s office that Gene Nichol, former place or somethin,” the source added. “So I was College Prez that got fired for spewing like, ‘aww, hell no, man. What you think you doin grabbin them donuts his load on a Christian Prayer room, is like that?’ Pig.” actually the baby-daddy of Anna Ni- cole’s baby. Mrs. Anna was knocked up in 2006, right around the year Mr. Nichol re- lieved himself on God’s face. Mr. Nich- ol’s moneyshot in the eyes of the Al- mighty and Mrs. Anna’s out-of-wedlock conception have an indisputable causa- tional relationship, said Nick Fitzypoo, the only named source in this article. Courtesy Photo “He was probably just helping her Laundry is a woman’s job: This is some of the lovely, lovely conceive,” Mr. Fitzypoo claimed. “Ni- cole and Nichol even sound like the lingerie students could watch get washed on webcams. same name, with one having an ‘e’ and the other having an ‘h.’” SA passes bill sponsored Mr. Nichol himself has not responded to requests for comments from The Fat Head, ever since we ran an article en- by Fat Head editor titled: “Gene Nichol: Drunk in Public, Andrew Blasé ons of mass destruction in Iraq.” or Just Super Sweaty?” Launderer (Emeritus) “Even if he isn’t the father, he might “Also,” the kindly senator con- as well be,” a source whispered to The tinued, “it’s nice to look at girls’ It has been revealed to The Fat panties and unmentionables and Fat Head. Head that the Student Assembly, [Editor’s Note: Nick Fitzypoo works whatnot floating around in the wa- in its infinite wisdom and glory, ter.” for the Student Assembly, the College has passed a bill written by Sena- Although some campus femi- Republicans, and The Fat Head. His tor Andrew Blasé that will install nists and suspected lesbians have views do not necessarily represent the webcams in every washing ma- objected to the webcams, saying views of any organization, except The chine on campus. they are perverted, the token girl Fat Head, which is convinced that Dan- “This bill will install webcams interviewed for this article has no iellynn has been taken from her rightful in every laundry room washing problem with it. daddy, Mr. Nichol. See today’s Staff Edi- machine,” Mr. Blasé said in an “No, really, it’s okay,” Felicia torial: My Father’s Eyes.] exclusive interview. “It will bring Van Peckenberg (‘12) said. “I’ll [Editor’s Note: Nick Fitzypoo is also File Photo pleasure to the student body be- say anything you want for the the editor-in-chief of the Fat Head Not always “Clean Gene”: Gene Nichol may have sewn his devil spawn cause you can just log online and money you’re giving me!” (Third Page).] with Ann Nicole before her death several years ago. watch the clothes go round and The Fat Head will continue round, round and round, until you covering this incredibly important Guy outside Wawa mentions Wren cross become convinced there are weap- story in the future. Fat Head wins very, very, very prestigous award Jon Sans-Serif “He definitely said something mean, he was wearing a lacrosse shirt. that there will come a day when we NBC Intern (Emeritus) about it,” reported an anonymous Also, he had just gotten off a bus with as a campus will finally let this issue The Fat Head has learned that it has been awarded the Conservative Net- eyewitness who is definetely not the rest of the Tribe lacrosse team and drop.” work’s Dick Cheney Award for Public Service and Yellow Journalism. This this reporter. “It really just goes to was still carrying a stick The controversy surrounding show how deep and enduring the around.” incredible honor is nicknamed the “Yellow Dick.” Unlike other campus pub- former College president Gene wounds that Gene Nichol left on Still, students re- Drink of the Bi-Week lications, who adhere to some obsolete credo that they call “journalistic integ- Nichol and his 2006 decision to this College truly are.” mained hopeful for the rity” (ha ha) the Fat Head stands alone in its mastery of sensationalism. remove the cross from the chapel The student then wiped away a future. “Despite discour- of the Wren Building was reignit- When asked about the distinctive honor, Editor-in-Chief Emeritus JoJo bitter tear. aging events like this, said he was delighted to have contributed to the euthanization of journalism. ed with a fiery passion earlier this While other students were pres- I honestly believe the Aristocratic week when a student at the Col- ent at the scene, many found the campus is coping as best “Fuck journalism,” Mr. JoJo said in a recent interview conducted in his Fat lege of W&M was confirmed by at topic of Gene Nichol too distress- it can with Gene Nichol’s Thanksgiving Head office by this Fat Head Reporter. “I pee on that shit...and then it becomes least two eyewitnesses to have said ing to put into words. devastating legacy. It yellow.” something about the Wren Cross “I’m pretty sure he said, ‘men’s la- might take years, but I outside of Wawa this past Tuesday. crosse,’” said Alicia Goldman (’10). “I can’t help but believe The Better Half: Swemming in the Baby Pool: Staying classy around Take it from us -- we’re funny This is a humor col- mistake in its coverage, the working class umn, just in case you were you need to characterize Over here, ladies! Looking for a place to rest eyes weary of scanning the wondering – like that one it as an indictment of the hard-hitting, probing journalism gracing the rest of this fine page? Look no Dave Barry quit writing entire newspaper and ev- further: My column is “fluffy” and fun for refined females like yourselves. a while back, only better. eryone on its staff. This, I write about issues pertaining to every modern woman’s day-to-day life. And still going. we can assure you, is IN- Alecander Everest Today’s topic: Proper etiquette around the poors. But why do we press CREDIBLY FUNNY. An Certainly all of us have experienced those terrible moments when we are on? Why do we do it? acerbic wit will get you Geoff Weekley forced to be near a pauper, be it on the street outside Harrods or simply Because, dear reader, we nowhere. Our strategy, Alcoholic (Emeritus) on the walk between Cacique and White House/Black Market. During these are funnier than you. In however, cannot fail. unfortunate encounters, I advise you to keep fact, we would go so far Nick Fitzypoo and Hee hee. We giggled your chin up and eyes daintily settled on the as to say we’re Funny. Matt Sutter Home a little bit just thinking Man, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been sitting around, eating Thanksgiv- horizon (For great lashes, I recommend Nei- As. Shit. Seriously, have Swemming in the Baby Pool about it. man Marcus Lash Precision, $24.00, sephora. you read our stuff? No? So here’s how it works: ing dinner, and wondering to myself: This shit is great, but why can’t it get me drunk? com). Should they attempt to communicate Whatever. You probably Let’s say the Flat Hat’s with you in any way, merely reach into your work for the Flat Hat. covering a thorny issue on campus, like, say, Well, my prayers are answered in this is- sue’s drink of the week. purse and withdraw your most elegant can of Oh, and by the by, Jenny Sourpuss, our fluff the Sex and Sin and Horror and No-don’t- pepper spray (Try Mace Muzzle Canine Repel- columnist, stopped in to say we’re handsomer look-at-it-Lot’s-wife-you’ll-turn-into-a-pillar- Ingredients: lent. $49.99, mace.com). than you, too. (See inset photo). Just sayin’. of-salt-Nooooooooooo! Workers Art Show. 1 turkey There are also times when circumstances But since here at the Fat Head we’re And let’s say the Flat Hat accidentally mis- 2 lbs of Stuffing require that we interact with women who have an egalitarian bunch, we want to help you.