Outrageous headline completely unsubstantiated by article -- page 16 April Fools Established An “independent” 2005 publication by JoJo and (nope, no conservative think tanks here) THE FAT HEAD Mandy Ke e p i n g a De a d Is s u e Al i v e : Pa r t 14 o f a 69-p a r t s e r i e s Campus Po ’lice be Gene Nichol: The hatin, source exclaims Li’l Stevie NelNel SA Senator, Fat Head Editor, Corruption Extraordinaire (Emeritus)

“Fuck da po ’lice, especially these William and Mary ones, and es- Father of Anna pecially that one that opened the donut rack usin excessive force, makin all the innocent students inside feel uncomfortable, cause, geez, a man can’t be a man if he can’t walk into a damn Wawa without feelin like he’s bein investigated Nicole’s Baby??? by the po ’lice for j-walkin cross Richmond road or using $5 from the Student Assembly reserves for a sammie or some shit,” according to a source Most likely not close to The Fat Head that is anonymous. The source is really really close to The Fat JoJo Head in fact, maybe even an editor, maybe even The Almighty (Emeritus) me. But I’ll never tell. File Photo “So I was just standin there in line doin my JOHNSON The Fat Head has learned that several thing and such when Bam! this pig walks in all An actual WM police sources have been told within The Flat brandishin his mustache like that he own the officer in 1983 Hat’s office that Gene Nichol, former place or somethin,” the source added. “So I was College Prez that got fired for spewing like, ‘aww, hell no, man. What you think you doin grabbin them donuts his load on a Christian Prayer room, is like that?’ Pig.” actually the baby-daddy of Anna Ni- cole’s baby. Mrs. Anna was knocked up in 2006, right around the year Mr. Nichol re- lieved himself on God’s face. Mr. Nich- ol’s moneyshot in the eyes of the Al- mighty and Mrs. Anna’s out-of-wedlock conception have an indisputable causa- tional relationship, said Nick Fitzypoo, the only named source in this article. Courtesy Photo “He was probably just helping her Laundry is a woman’s job: This is some of the lovely, lovely conceive,” Mr. Fitzypoo claimed. “Ni- cole and Nichol even sound like the lingerie students could watch get washed on webcams. same name, with one having an ‘e’ and the other having an ‘h.’” SA passes bill sponsored Mr. Nichol himself has not responded to requests for comments from The Fat Head, ever since we ran an article en- by Fat Head editor titled: “Gene Nichol: Drunk in Public, Andrew Blasé ons of mass destruction in Iraq.” or Just Super Sweaty?” Launderer (Emeritus) “Even if he isn’t the father, he might “Also,” the kindly senator con- as well be,” a source whispered to The tinued, “it’s nice to look at girls’ It has been revealed to The Fat panties and unmentionables and Fat Head. Head that the Student Assembly, [Editor’s Note: Nick Fitzypoo works whatnot floating around in the wa- in its infinite wisdom and glory, ter.” for the Student Assembly, the College has passed a bill written by Sena- Although some campus femi- Republicans, and The Fat Head. His tor Andrew Blasé that will install nists and suspected lesbians have views do not necessarily represent the webcams in every washing ma- objected to the webcams, saying views of any organization, except The chine on campus. they are perverted, the token girl Fat Head, which is convinced that Dan- “This bill will install webcams interviewed for this article has no iellynn has been taken from her rightful in every laundry room washing problem with it. daddy, Mr. Nichol. See today’s Staff Edi- machine,” Mr. Blasé said in an “No, really, it’s okay,” Felicia torial: My Father’s Eyes.] exclusive interview. “It will bring Van Peckenberg (‘12) said. “I’ll [Editor’s Note: Nick Fitzypoo is also File Photo pleasure to the student body be- say anything you want for the the editor-in-chief of the Fat Head Not always “Clean Gene”: Gene Nichol may have sewn his devil spawn cause you can just log online and money you’re giving me!” (Third Page).] with Ann Nicole before her death several years ago. watch the clothes go round and The Fat Head will continue round, round and round, until you covering this incredibly important Guy outside Wawa mentions Wren cross become convinced there are weap- story in the future. Fat Head wins very, very, very prestigous award Jon Sans-Serif “He definitely said something mean, he was wearing a lacrosse shirt. that there will come a day when we NBC Intern (Emeritus) about it,” reported an anonymous Also, he had just gotten off a bus with as a campus will finally let this issue The Fat Head has learned that it has been awarded the Conservative Net- eyewitness who is definetely not the rest of the Tribe lacrosse team and drop.” work’s Dick Cheney Award for Public Service and Yellow Journalism. This this reporter. “It really just goes to was still carrying a stick The controversy surrounding show how deep and enduring the around.” incredible honor is nicknamed the “Yellow Dick.” Unlike other campus pub- former College president Gene wounds that Gene Nichol left on Still, students re- Drink of the Bi-Week lications, who adhere to some obsolete credo that they call “journalistic integ- Nichol and his 2006 decision to this College truly are.” mained hopeful for the rity” (ha ha) the Fat Head stands alone in its mastery of sensationalism. remove the cross from the chapel The student then wiped away a future. “Despite discour- of the Wren Building was reignit- When asked about the distinctive honor, Editor-in-Chief Emeritus JoJo bitter tear. aging events like this, said he was delighted to have contributed to the euthanization of journalism. ed with a fiery passion earlier this While other students were pres- I honestly believe the Aristocratic week when a student at the Col- ent at the scene, many found the campus is coping as best “Fuck journalism,” Mr. JoJo said in a recent interview conducted in his Fat lege of W&M was confirmed by at topic of Gene Nichol too distress- it can with Gene Nichol’s Thanksgiving Head office by this Fat Head Reporter. “I pee on that shit...and then it becomes least two eyewitnesses to have said ing to put into words. devastating legacy. It yellow.” something about the Wren Cross “I’m pretty sure he said, ‘men’s la- might take years, but I outside of Wawa this past Tuesday. crosse,’” said Alicia Goldman (’10). “I can’t help but believe The Better Half: Swemming in the Baby Pool: Staying classy around Take it from us -- we’re funny This is a humor col- mistake in its coverage, the working class umn, just in case you were you need to characterize Over here, ladies! Looking for a place to rest eyes weary of scanning the wondering – like that one it as an indictment of the hard-hitting, probing journalism gracing the rest of this fine page? Look no Dave Barry quit writing entire newspaper and ev- further: My column is “fluffy” and fun for refined females like yourselves. a while back, only better. eryone on its staff. This, I write about issues pertaining to every modern woman’s day-to-day life. And still going. we can assure you, is IN- Alecander Everest Today’s topic: Proper etiquette around the poors. But why do we press CREDIBLY FUNNY. An Certainly all of us have experienced those terrible moments when we are on? Why do we do it? acerbic wit will get you Geoff Weekley forced to be near a pauper, be it on the street outside Harrods or simply Because, dear reader, we nowhere. Our strategy, Alcoholic (Emeritus) on the walk between Cacique and White House/Black Market. During these are funnier than you. In however, cannot fail. unfortunate encounters, I advise you to keep fact, we would go so far Nick Fitzypoo and Hee hee. We giggled your chin up and eyes daintily settled on the as to say we’re Funny. Matt Sutter Home a little bit just thinking Man, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been sitting around, eating Thanksgiv- horizon (For great lashes, I recommend Nei- As. Shit. Seriously, have Swemming in the Baby Pool about it. man Marcus Lash Precision, $24.00, sephora. you read our stuff? No? So here’s how it works: ing dinner, and wondering to myself: This shit is great, but why can’t it get me drunk? com). Should they attempt to communicate Whatever. You probably Let’s say the Flat Hat’s with you in any way, merely reach into your work for the Flat Hat. covering a thorny issue on campus, like, say, Well, my prayers are answered in this is- sue’s drink of the week. purse and withdraw your most elegant can of Oh, and by the by, Jenny Sourpuss, our fluff the Sex and Sin and Horror and No-don’t- pepper spray (Try Mace Muzzle Canine Repel- columnist, stopped in to say we’re handsomer look-at-it-Lot’s-wife-you’ll-turn-into-a-pillar- Ingredients: lent. $49.99, mace.com). than you, too. (See inset photo). Just sayin’. of-salt-Nooooooooooo! Workers Art Show. 1 turkey There are also times when circumstances But since here at the Fat Head we’re And let’s say the Flat Hat accidentally mis- 2 lbs of Stuffing require that we interact with women who have an egalitarian bunch, we want to help you. quotes someone on the subject. 1 tree’s worth of cranberries opted to both have children and a job. In my You’re probably wondering how you too can You must spring into invective completely 2 1.75 L Bottles of Aristocrat Vodka experience, these “career moms” invariably develop crazy mad humor skillz. You want unrelated to the mistake! We’ll give you a 1 case of Natty fail to project the general air of refinement to- Jenny Sourpuss your writing to generate that coffee-spewing, taste: “ZOMG, Flat Hat!!11one! All the lib- wards which all women should strive. When The Better Half milk-and-cornflakes-up-the-nose, knee-slap- erals r in ur base brainwashing ur staffz!” or Directions speaking to them, try your best to keep your ping, hardee-har-har kind of funny that ours “Know what’s black and white and red all BLEND THAT SHIT!!!!!! Serve face free of the abject pity you feel in your does, right? Right. Who wouldn’t (except Flat over, Flat Hat? That’s right. Your paper. Be- Chilled. heart. If circumstances allow, slip some lip-gloss into their bag (my personal Hatters)? cause you’re all communists.” Or something Editor’s Note: The Fat Head encourages its read- favorite: Tarte 24/7 Summer Fling Lip Sheer, $14.00, Sephora.com) and per- ers (even though we don’t have any) to drink however Well, we’ll let you in on a secret: all you along those lines, anyway. the fuck they want and disregard any local, state or fed- haps also a ten-dollar bill. need to do is make fun of the Flat Hat. You see, You’ll never go wrong with that – trust us. eral laws. We’re not responsible with anything else, why I hope these suggestions help to make your next interaction with the poor when the primo campus publication makes a We’re funny as shit. should we change with our drinking advice? a little more polished. Until next time, keep it fine!

Review: Review: The [expletive] Monologues INSIDE Sergeant Cheerleader Is the Flat Hat editor a coke fiend?...... 18 EXCLUSIVE interview with Senator Nelson...... 6 Students for Life president aborts bad joke...... 9 sex and shit Pucker by: the ladiezUp

Letter from the editors: contributing womyn (and the men if we have to) Sex is nowhere in the media. That’s why we invented this little space — just for womyn, and sex. Usually we pride ourselves on being a vehicle for female sexpression, but this issue includes a special guest contributor: Juan Fauberto. We made this exception because we respect his expertise on womyn’s bodies and know he always has womyn’s best interests at heart.

This zine is for womyn. Real womyn. Those who fit a perfect 36-24-36. Amazons, as they say in the parlance of our times. Those who look good wearing string bikinis Dallas Wrong and aprons, or even lounging in lawn chairs watching soccer practice. Byron Manhoney journalist.edu Womanizer We bring you this forum where girls can talk about the naughtiest Enrico Palazzo Blair van der Hahn of naughty, or completely normal things like intricate, detailed Umpire/Singer Headband Thief fantasies about fucking wolves from every direction. Whether having sex during the middle of the day, or even with the lights on (obviously a poor plan, as it gives your long-term boyfriend/fiancé a chance to look at your naked body, instead of focusing on the way you take care of his every need), you can feel safe sharing your stories here. By all means, confess — to us! — but be careful. Men are only out to hurt you, you Stringer Bell vulnerable thing, you. Points on the Package Mr. Peter Cottontail Vivi Vandevere Wolves, on the other Baller/Shot Caller Brooklyn Trash hand, are fair game.

True Life: I'm Magic Fingers Victoria Eugenia Chastity Sommers Trimspa, Baby! in love Secret Keeper Suga’momma Lady Catherine with a Cougar to the Stars woman- izer

Epic Failchild I have been with so many men—men Telenovellist Avon Barksdale of different shapes, sizes and girths. Each It’s Olivia, Bitch Warrior Princess The Riddler one has left an indelible impression on my heart—and in my loins—and I credit them with helping me to develop my gazelle-like grace in the bedroom. television on, quivering in anticipation, to I have one plea to all of the readers of However, as of late, no one has been catch a glimpse of Chuck Bass on “Gossip Pucker Up — I beg you, please watch this able to satisfy me. The lengthy succession Girl.” I cannot get enough of this man. show. I wake up at night covered in a cold, of lotharios who used to fulfill my The way his nostrils flare when he comes ominous sweat at the thought of it being every desire are now insignificant blips up with a devious plan, the cashmere cancelled, at the thought of my beloved on my radar. Even my trusty purple scarfs that adorn his perfect neck, the way slipping silently away into the obscurity of XtremeTurboRabbit vibrator just isn’t he almost purrs when he talks, the way reruns. So tune in every Monday at to the doing the trick. I am almost always in a he shatters all notions of sexual ambiguity CW to keep those ratings up. But don’t rut. brought up by his androgynous attire by you fall in love with him, too. I will hunt I say “almost,” because there is one man having rampant, meaningless sex with you down. Seriously. The only person Mr. who can rev my engine like no one else. dozens of womyn … I am convinced that Bass is going to “Chuck” is me. Back off, Every Monday night at 8 p.m. I turn my this man is my sexual soulmate. bitches.

Iwas fucking this guy the other day, and as soon ashis dick went inside me, I felt a sharp pain. Itold him to pull out, and there was blood every where.My period wasn’t due for another week, and Ireally had no idea what was going on. Iended up havingto go to the hospital. When the doctor looked insideme, he found a beer bottle cap. I have no ideahow long it had been there, or how it got up there.I definitely need to stop drinking for awhile. Confessions of a great man, Juan Fauberto

I finally got laid last week for the first time in my life. It was with a hooker, and it was soooo liberating. I think I I jizzed a whole gallon…that’s more than I’ve everknow cum that of the College’ssome members “female from jerking off to pictures ofrights myself supporters” in my 1 in community 4 shirt. stance towardshave sex been and genderupset with issues my and patriarchal the fact that I use The Flat Hat’s comments board to accuse other people of sexual assault. But the truth, as I’ve discovered recently, is that women aren’t always the inferior gender. In light of my recent sexual awakening…God it was so good…she did

- this thingI’ve with never herthe seenfeet soft-core inthat any myporn of circle-jerk friends flicks andweekend…I to I everywrite had about toit.

I’d been dating this guy for a couple of - weeks, and I really liked him. We had fooled around a little, but we hadn’t had sex yet. I wanted our first time to be special, so I decided to break out the chocolate syrup. I slathered his body in chocolate, starting on his face and working my way down. By the time I Sometimes I finished licking most of it up, I was feeling a little queasy. When I finally got to his forget to

penis, I knew it was all over. The first time I must confess as well that the reason I’ve never seen the Sex Art Show is Workers that I’m easily aroused…hell you would be too if you were never allowed to touch your penis until you were 35. Can you imag ine how embarrassing it would be to have one of those crazy campus feminists sitting next to me only at to the show, have her see my schlong thrusting upwards while some girl on stage gives a BJ to a piece of plastic? Shiiiiiiiiit, I can’t imagine anything more damaging to my already dwindling reputation as a male supremacist. it slid into the back of my throat, my gag leave room reflex kicked in. I thank Pucker Up for allowing me and other confused for Jesus :( I threw up all over him. adolescents the chance to share our deepest secrets. I still think the magazine is pornographic, but then again now that I no longer hate sex and women quite as much as I used to, I’ll consider downgrading it to mild porn status. Sports Opinions Variety On the road to the NFL No blame for Gen. Y Blitzin in the world One athlete’s story of the sacrifices he has made on his The current generation is not responsible The Yeah Yeah Yeahs’ new album, quest to play football professionally. for the current problems. “It’s Blitz” is well worth the wait. SEE PAGE 8 SEE PAGE 4 SEE PAGE 6

The twice-weekly student newspaper of the College of William and Mary — Est. 1911

VOL.98, NO.40 Tuesday, March 31, 2009 FLATHATNEWS.COM Say ‘hello’ to the american idol Student tasered by police Authorities report the student was being uncooperative

By Adam Lerner Flat Hat Chief Staff Writer

College of William and Mary student Wal- ter Luse ’12 was tasered by a Williamsburg Police Department officer after resisting ar- rest outside the Green Leafe Cafe at approxi- mately 2 a.m. Friday. According to a recent report filed by the WPD, Luse was arrested for using fake identification to purchase al- cohol. Eyewitnesses reported that someone di- aled 911 when Luse remained outside the Leafe after being denied entrance. “He was being belligerent, running around and yelling and trying to get into the Leafe with what I’m assuming was a fake ID,” Drew Albright ’10 said. Albright witnessed the scene from inside the Leafe.

Caitlin Fairchild— the Flat Hat According to WPD Deputy Chief Dave Winner of the seventh season of American Idol, David Cook performs for a crowd of approximately 800 at the College of William and Mary Saturday night. The concert was part Sloggie, Officer David Jay and Lieutenant of Cook’s Declaration Tour, which will run through mid-April and will visit a number of universities across the country. Fellow music reality show alumnus, Ryan Star opened for Greg Riley found Luse supporting himself Cook. Cook plans to take four days off after his performance at the College before heading to New Hampshire. against a railing near the entrance of the Leafe, where he had purchased alcohol us- ing a fake ID earlier. “[Jay] then noticed that the person was in- toxicated and all the symptoms that go with Halleran appointed provost of College that — glassy, bloodshot eyes,” Sloggie said. “The officer asked for his ID, [and] he told him he didn’t have one. He asked how old he U. of Miami dean of arts and sciences chosen to replace outgoing Feiss was — there was a long pause — asked how much he had to drink. He told him maybe By ALEX GUILLÉN chief academic officer, an important to undergraduate learning, but doing it Halleran said he will use lessons five beers. [Jay] asked him for his ID, at Flat Hat Online Editor and prestigious position second only in the context of a research university, I learned from his time at Miami in his which point [Luse] told him he was 19.” to the College president. Halleran will think is ideal.” work for the College. After Luse admitted to having purchased Dr. Michael R. Halleran, dean of arts manage the faculty, allocate resources After receiving his undergraduate “Universities are complex places,” alcohol from one of the bartenders with a and sciences at the University of Miami, to departments, run the admissions degree from Kenyon, Halleran received Halleran said. “There’s a wide range fake ID, the officer placed him under arrest was named the College of William and office, oversee the registrar and direct a master’s degree of areas of study, of methodological for being drunk in public, underage posses- Mary’s fifth provost Friday. research. He will also supervise the and a doctorate in approaches, of needs, that you have sion of alcohol and using a fake ID for the He will replace current provost Geoff Muscarelle Museum of Art. classics from Har- interests that coincide, but not always purposes of getting alcohol, Sloggie said. Feiss, who is retiring this summer after In an interview Friday, Halleran said vard University. A fully, of students, of alumni, of faculty, of When the officer attempted to take Luse serving as provost since 2003. he accepted the position of provost former classical staff. The provost and deans … are fun- by the arm, he briefly fled down Richmond “I believe [that] in Michael Halleran because he felt the College shared his M . H alleran studies professor, damentally in the people business. It’s Road until the two officers brought him to we have found a worthy successor [to dedication to liberal arts education. Halleran special- about interacting with people, listening the ground. According to the police report, Feiss],” College President Taylor Rev- “It’s an excellent school. It’s a school ized in ancient carefully, communicating and working Luse thrashed his arms and legs and repeat-

eley said in a statement. “Dr. Halleran is that’s self-described as being a lib- o f c ourtesy Greek drama. on a common vision of excellence and edly failed to comply with verbal commands a teacher, scholar and academic admin- eral arts university, which resonates Halleran Halleran spent opportunity. That’s what I think educa- before being tasered twice. istrator of compelling distinction. He is very much with me,” Halleran said. “I many of his teach- tion should be doing.” “They had him on the ground, and then committed to the liberal arts and to the went to Kenyon College [in Gambier, ing years at the University of Washing- Feiss said he would advise Halleran one officer pulled out the taser gun, holding sense of community that characterize Ohio]. I have a deep interest in student ton, where he served as the divisional to “listen and consult, then decide.” him with one hand and pointing the gun at William and Mary. In my judgment, he learning, but I’m also a scholar. I’m a dean of arts and humanities before tak- “There are many very bright and him with the other one,” Albright said. “And will be an extraordinarily able provost.” researcher. And so, finding that right ing his current position at the Univer- The provost serves as the College’s balance between a deep commitment sity of Miami in 2005. See PROVOST page 2 See TAsered page 3 Bumped students consider options ResLife urges students to be patient with process

By Nancy Blanford get housing until after the lottery or A sizeable incoming freshman Flat Hat Staff Writer maybe into the summer.” class contributed to the large num- Students are bumped when the ber of bumped students this year. This year, 220 female students and number of room deposits exceeds “We did have to allot for 20 ad- 168 male students were involuntarily the number of rooms available on ditional freshman spaces this year, bumped from the room selection pro- campus. Initially, ResLife received which means 20 more people had cess. As of Monday, 320 of those 388 around 580 deposits. As students vol- to be bumped. Transfer housing in students are still waiting to be rein- untarily drop out, more spaces should Brown and Taliaferro was changed stated into the Residence Life hous- become available for students. to accommodate these freshmen,” ing lottery. The reinstatement lists Katrina Pawvluk, assistant direc- Pawvluk said. “But we are still re- are separate for males and females. tor of ResLife, held a meeting yester- quired to hold 50 spaces for transfer “[Being bumped] doesn’t mean day to answer questions about this students spread out all over cam- that [students] aren’t going to get year’s housing selection process for pus.” housing on campus,” Richmond Road bumped students. The vacating of fraternity units ResLife Area Director Jenn Garcia “Being bumped greatly narrows also contributed to a greater num- said. “It just means they can’t par- your options,” Pawvluk said. “But we ber of room deposits. Fraternity ticipate in the housing lottery until have always been able to house ev- Jack Hohman — the Flat Hat they get reinstated. They might not erybody that stayed patient.” See BUMP page 2 Katrina Pawyluk, assistant director of residence life, holds a meeting to explain the bump process. Page 2 Tuesday, March 31, 2009

News Editor Maggie Reeb News Editor Isshin Teshima NEWS INSIGHT [email protected] Street Beat How do you feel about the Williamsburg police using tasers on a student? ‘Stabilitas et Fides’ 25 Campus Center, The College of William and Mary, Williamsburg, VA. 23185 Newsroom (757) 221-3281 —­ Advertising Dept. (757) 221-3283 — Fax (757) 221-3242 The Flat Hat — [email protected] News — [email protected] Variety — [email protected] Sports —­ [email protected] Opinions — [email protected] PHOTOS — [email protected] ADVERTISING — [email protected] Miles Hilder, Editor-in-Chief Sam Sutton, Managing Editor — Ashley Morgan, Executive Editor Alex Guillén, Online Editor Maggie Reeb, News Editor Kelsey Weissgold, Business Manager “That’s not exactly the best “I don’t think the police should “I doubt the police would have “I mean, tasing is legal. It’s better Isshin Teshima, News Editor Leah Fry, Copy Chief way to deal with something like tase students unless they are acted without due cause, and I’m than the cop shooting him.” Mike Crump, Variety Editor Katie Lee, Copy Chief Jessica Gold, Variety Editor Caitlin Fairchild, Photo Editor that.” assaulting the cops.” looking forward to hearing what Matt Poms, Sports Editor Maral Noori, Photo Editor that cause was.” Chris Weidman, Sports Editor Adam Lerner, Chief Staff Writer Russ Zerbo, Opinions Editor Tom MacWright, Web Director Kelsey Conway ’12 Andrew Sherman ’12 and Chris Joe Kessler ’10 Jim Dunleavey ’10 Moad ’12 — photos and interviews by Caitlin Fairchild and Maggie Reeb Ian Brickey, Assoc. News Editor Logan Herries, Copy Editor Ameya Jammi, Assoc. News Editor Megan Keeling, Copy Editor Bertel King, Jr., Assoc. News Editor Vicky Chao, Cartoonist Mason Watson, Assoc. News Editor Olivia Walch, Cartoonist City Police Beat Virginia Butler, Assoc. Variety Editor Jack Hohman, Chief Photographer Meredith Nall, Assoc. Variety Editor Summer Finck, Production Assistant Rachel Rudebusch, Assoc. Variety Editor Liz Horne, Production Assistant March 20 to March 30 Pam Snyder, Assoc. Variety Editor Reggie Gomez, Local Sales Representative Jack Lambert, Assoc. Sports Editor Matthias Jamora, Local Sales Representative Jamison Shabanowitz, Assoc. Sports Editor Jessica Dobis, Accountant Rd. for an alleged hit and run. Alexa McClanahan, Assoc. Opinions Editor Juae Son, Accountant 5 Chelsea Caumont, Copy Editor Jin Woo, Accountant 6 Thursday, March 26 — A black 4 11 female was arrested on the 300 block of Pocahontas Trail for alleged breaking and Corrections 5 entering and assault. Thursday, March 26 — A white male The Flat Hat wishes to correct any facts printed incorrectly. Corrections may be 7 was arrested on the 100 block of Merrimac submitted by e-mail to the section editor in which the incorrect information was 7 printed. Requests for corrections will be accepted at any time. 7 Trail for alleged manufacture of controlled 3 12 substances. 6 9 8 Friday, March 27 — A white male Weather was arrested on the corner of Scotland Tuesday Wednesday Thursday 12 Street and Richmond Road for alleged 9 8 public drunkenness, underage possession 10 1 6 2 7 of alcohol, possession of a fake ID and obstruction of justice. 9 Sunday, March 29 — A white male High 64 High 64 High 66 was arrested on the 700 block of Scotland Low 46 Low 52 Low 55 St. for alleged malicious wounding and Source: www.weather.com public drunkenness. 10 Sunday, March 29 — A white male 1 was arrested on the 400 block of Richmond News in brief Rd. for alleged possession of marijuana. 11 Sunday, March 29 — A black Longtime delegate joins alcohol commission courtesy GRAPHIC — GOOGLE MAPS male was arrested on the 1800 block 1 Friday, March 20 — A white male was arrested on the 400 block of Merrimac Trail of Richmond Rd. for alleged public Del. Franklin P. Hall (D-69) announced his retirement from the arrested on the 700 block of Scotland St. for Rd. for alleged domestic assault and battery. drunkenness. Virginia General Assembly. Hall’s prospective April 14 resignation alleged public drunkenness. 4 Tuesday, March 24 — A white male 12 Monday, March 30 — An individual ends a 34-year legislative career representing the southern section of 2 Saturday, March 21 — A white male was arrested on the 3000 block of Richmond was arrested on the 1200 block of Richmond Richmond and northern Chesterfield County. was arrested on the 400 Block of Richmond Rd. for allegedly stealing cigarettes. Rd. for allegedly driving under the influence. Hall moves on to the Virginia Department of Alcoholic Beverage Rd. for alleged public drunkenness. 5 Tuesday, March 24 — A black male Control, where he will serve as one of three commissioners. 3 Sunday, March 22 — A white male was was arrested on the 200 block of Ironbound — compiled by Ian Brickey The ABC oversees over 15,000 businesses licensed to sell alcohol in Virginia. Gov. Timothy M. Kaine has chosen not to call a special election to fill the delegate’s seat, leaving it vacant until the November general election. ResLife challenged to find options Chipotle to come to Williamsburg by end of the year BUMP from page 1 es are now opened up,” Pawvluk said. rooms,” Pawvluk said. There are several options available for Stefanie Muldrow ’11, was planning on Williamsburg’s Planning Commission approved site plans for a members who would have lived in their bumped students as they wait to be rein- living with her current roommate next new Chipotle Mexican Grill on Richmond Rd. Wednesday. respective units will now be looking for on- stated. year before she found out that she had According to the Williamsburg Yorktown Daily, the restaurant campus housing. Pawvluk suggested overcrowding if been bumped. will be built at the corner of Bypass Rd. and Richmond Rd., where Next year, six fraternities will move out bumped students are able to find two ad- Her reinstatement number is 81, ap- the Rodeway Inn used to stand. of their units, and those units will be avail- ditional roommates to live with them next proximately 40 spots away from reinstate- Chipotle can begin construction once zoning permits are able for regular student housing. year. ment. approved. Chipotle’s representative, Richard Will, expects the “There will be more rising sophomores “We allow groups pulling in a bumped “We’re going to try to overcrowd in restaurant to open by the end of this year. living in the units because those unit spac- student to have first pick of overcrowd [the] Bryan Complex,” Muldrow said. The overcrowd room selection process ­— by Ian Brickey will be held on Monday at 5 p.m. at the ResLife office in Room 212 in the Campus Center. Earth Hour 2009 Pawvluk also suggests that students un- able or unwilling to overcrowd next year By the Numbers should search for apartments near cam- pus. “Just make sure you check out what 2,200,000 you’re signing for before you sign the lease,” said Pawvluk. The number of participants in the inaugural Earth Hour 2007. The Dylan Reilly ’12, with a reinstatement event, where participants turn off all non-essential lights, was created in number of 105, said he would be looking Sydney, Australia by the World Wildlife Fund and the Sydney Morning for an apartment for next year. Herald as a way to raise awareness of global climate change. “I was going to room with a friend, but I told him to get a new roommate,” Reilly said. “I’m more likely to look at off-campus 88 options rather than overcrowd.” Still, many bumped students are finding The number of countries that took part in this year’s Earth Hour. their new housing search stressful. Participation nearly tripled from last year’s total of 35. “I didn’t have any plans before being bumped,” Melissa Gomez ’12 said. “And now I have no idea.” 6 percent Despite the large number of bumped students this year, Pawvluk asked them to The decrease in the amount of electricity consumed in Ontario, remain patient with the process. Canada. In Toronto, consumption decreased by 15.1 percent, up “I can promise you, as bumped stu- from the previous year’s total decrease of 8.7 percent. The city’s fa- dents, you become my priority,” Pawvluk mous landmark, the Canadian National Tower, went dark in honor said. “I know this is stressful. and we hate of Earth Hour. jack hohman— The Flat hat doing this, but unfortunately our situation Pawvluk says Reslife is doing its best to accommodate students bumped from the housing lottery. for housing forces us into this process.” $102 Amount of money saved due to the participation of the United Na- New provost to assume duties after April BOV meeting tions headquarters building in Earth Hour 2009. Original estimates placed the savings from darkening the building at nearly $81,000. PROVOST from page 1 with the faculty...with students, with oth- Halleran as our next provost,” White said ers, to make sure William and Mary can in a press release. “Dean Halleran quickly creative folks here with great ideas but, at provide the kind of academic excellence demonstrated an understanding of our cur- 41.6 the end of each day, someone must make a and opportunity that I believe it wants to rent strengths and challenges. In addition, decision,” Feiss said. be.” he appears well-suited to help advance our Number of metric tons of carbon dioxide that Bangkok, Thailand Halleran stressed that he does not plan Faculty Assembly President Tom White, academic mission by building on the effec- eliminated by its participation in Earth Hour 2009. Bangkok’s elec- to unilaterally run academics at the Col- a professor in the Mason School of Busi- tive model implemented by Geoff Feiss.” tricity usage decreased by 73.34 megawatts which, over the course lege. ness, said the faculty approve of Halleran’s Halleran’s appointment must be ap- of an hour, would have emitted 41.6 tonnes of carbon dioxide. “Let me be clear: I don’t come in with appointment. proved by the Board of Visitors during its a five-point plan or a 10-point plan or a “The William and Mary faculty strong- April meeting before he officially becomes — by Ian Brickey 20-point plan,” he said. “My job is to work ly supports the appointment of Michael the College’s provost. Tuesday, March 31, 2009 Page 3 Glitch results in senate seat run-off election Junior to run uncontested for class of 2010 senate seat after only opponent drops from ballot

By MAGGIE REEB candidate on the ballot, members of students who voted exceeded the mar- and did not have a platform. Houser believes that his initial indif- Flat Hat News Editor the class of 2010 will be allowed to cast gin of victory between Newman and Houser said he decided to run for ference makes him a good candidate votes for write in candidates. If Houser Houser. SA senator to mock those who take the for the senate. The College of William and Mary does not win the majority of the vote, According to Sen. Matt Beato, 18 SA senate too seriously. “I have never been to a student as- Student Assembly will hold a run-off the senate seat will remain vacant until graduate students voted in the 2010 “It started out being a satire of the sembly meeting,” Houser said. “You election for the class of 2010’s fourth the fall 2009 SA elections. senate race. Newman and Houser were way things are done at this school,” know, I come from frat row and that senate seat Thursday, April 2 from 8 A technical glitch during the March within three votes of each other. Houser said. “And then the response constituency. I have no idea what they a.m. to 8 p.m. Erik Houser ’10 will run 26 SA elections compromised the 2010 Illegal graduate votes did not affect became such that I thought I could ac- do. I don’t give a shit about [what] the uncontested for the position, after his senate election. The College’s online the outcome of any other undergradu- tually win. At this point, it seems like student assembly does. The people opponent Eric Newman ’10 dropped voting system permitted graduate stu- ate SA senate race. I will 100 percent be elected. Then, I who voted for me probably don’t know out of the race late Monday afternoon. dents to vote in undergraduate senate Newman said he dropped out of the started to think about what my cam- what it does either. But I want to start Although Houser will be the only races, and the number of graduate race because he did not campaign well paign will be.” facilitating that conversation.” Freshman tasered while resisting arrest near Green Leafe

at 8:31 a.m. with verbal command, but at any A call to Virginia Peninsula time we use something other Regional Jail placed Monday at than verbal, we will fill out a use 6 p.m. determined that Luse had of force report,” Sloggie said. been released. Sloggie said that every time Following the incident, con- officers use force ranging from cerns have been raised regard- placing hands on a suspect to ing the use of force on Luse. drawing weapons, the officer Clark was returning to the must file a use of force report to Leafe after a walk to Wawa when be reviewed by the police chain he passed the officers telling of command. Luse that he would be charged Both Sloggie and Geary, who with underage possession of are required to review the use of alcohol. force report, said that this case “In the time that it took me was appropriate. to walk into the door and walk “I can tell you this, sir, I’ve around the corner, [Luse] had been on the department 30 taken about three steps, gotten years, and the level of force for knocked to the ground and been tasing seems to be offensive to shot with the taser,” Clark said. people sometimes, but when we “It happened really quickly. It used to have to use nightsticks seemed like they made the taser and blackjack, that was a whole judgment incredibly quick.” different world out there — that Clark said he thought the or just fight,” Sloggie said. “And police officer’s use of a taser between pepper spray and tas- may have been unnecessary. ing, injuries to suspects and offi- “It just seemed a little exces- cers are extremely reduced.” sive for the use of three or four Contents of the case report shots of a taser gun when the were relayed to The Flat Hat police officers were fairly big through Sloggie. guys, and [Luse] was not that A Freedom of Information big. He wasn’t exactly winning Act request for the use of any fight.” force report was denied under WPD Administrative Order Virginia State Code. 1.3.1 states that, “there are understandable occasions in the normal course of any police Cl a s s i f i e d action which may demand an

MARAL NOORI-Moghaddam — the flat hat officer’s lawful application of Walter Luse ’12 was tasered by the police after resisting arrest outside of the Green Leafe Cafe at approximately 2 a.m. Friday. that force necessary to execute Headache? Neck pain? his legal authority.” Back pain? Sports Injury? TASERED from page 1 connected,” Sloggie said. “If he Sloggie said. “It’s not like they obstructing justice, one count According to Susan Geary, Stress? We can help. Visit doesn’t comply, you hit another go [in] very deep. They cleaned of public swearing and intoxi- uniform bureau major for WPD, www.performancechi- five second burst. So that’s what the areas and secured them with cation, one count of using a there was a laser, I’m assuming, whether a use of force is con- ropractic.com to see because there was a red dot on appears [to have] occurred.” band-aids.” fake ID to purchase alcohol and sidered necessary is a matter of his back. I couldn’t hear [the Both Albright and Philip The police report said that one count of purchase and pos- the officer’s discretion. how CHIROPACTIC, officer], I don’t know if he was Clark ’08 said they thought Luse Luse resisted police officers a session of alcohol, unlawful in “It’s definitely situational,” A P U C P U N T U R E , telling him he was going to tase was shocked around three or second time when he was being certain cases. The charges were Geary said. “Some people you and MASSAGE help him, but he paused for a second four times. taken to Virginia Peninsula filed by Williamsburg Police can tell just aren’t going to be you be your best. For before he actually hit him with “He was struggling a little Regional Jail. Officer David Jay. compliant. You know, they’re more information, or the gun.” bit, but it was unnatural look- Once Luse arrived at the Under Virginia Code sections charging at you or they’re fight- Luse could not be reached ing,” Albright said. “It was kind Jail, the magistrate found prob- 18.2-460 and 4.1-305, obstruct- ing you nonstop until the end.” to schedule an appoint- for comment. of upsetting to watch. When able cause to issue warrants for ing justice, purchase and pos- Under Administrative Orders ment, call Performance A taser is a type of weapon they were shocking him, he was being drunk in public, underage session of alcohol, unlawful in 1.3.6 and 1.3.7, a standard Chiropractic at 229- that police officers commonly moving strangely.” possession of alcohol, use of a certain cases, and using a fake use of force report has been 4161. (Ad authorized by use to subdue criminals. Luse was then taken into fake ID to obtain alcohol and ID to purchase alcohol are Class completed by Jay and is Dr. Daniel Shaye, chiro- The device temporarily inca- police custody and treated by obstruction of justice. Luse was 1 misdemeanors. undergoing an internal review practic physician, W&M pacitates its targets by emitting paramedics. held without bond. Under section 18.2-388, by the department. an electric shock. “They removed the probes Documents filed at the swearing and public drunkenness “The police have the power 1990) “What happens when you from his back. That is some- James City County District are Class 4 misdemeanors. to use force in certain circum- tase somebody: There’s a five- thing in a lot of cases we could Court indicated that Luse has Documents show that Luse has stances, and we have a pro- Have a luminaria deco- second burst and then it’s still do, but we call the paramedics,” been charged with one count of a hearing scheduled for April 7 gression of that force starting rated and displayed at Relay for Life in honor of a loved one who fought or lost their life to cancer. Suggested donation: $3/ luminaria. Proceeds go to the American Cancer Society. Send donation Photography to CSU 1149. Include your name and the name of the honored person. Want to cover exciting campus events Luminaria requests and donations will be accept- but have writer’s block? ed through April 1.

A picture speaks a 1000 Environmental Law Society Summit: “CLIMATE words! NEUTRALITY STARTS AT HOME” Law School, Room 119 Friday, April If you’re interested in 3 at 1:00 Join us for a discussion of local ini- photojournalism, tiatives to mitigate cli- consider taking photos mate change. Speakers include the Assistant City for the Flat Hat. Manager and representa- tives from the Chesapeake Climate Action Network, the Virginia Climate Send us an e-mail at Commission, and the [email protected] Sustainability Committee Page 4 Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Opinions Editor Russ Zerbo Associate Opinions Editor Alexa McClanahan [email protected]

Opinions Staff Editorial Halleran to become new Provost his week, College of William and Mary President Taylor Reveley announced that when Provost Geoff Feiss retires next year, T Michael R. Halleran will take over the position of chief academic officer at the College. We could not be happier with the appointment and would like to congratulate Dean Halleran and thank the search committee for their efforts in service to the College. Dean Halleran is a great choice for this position. The Harvard-trained classics scholar believes in the ability of liberal arts universities to have things both ways — maintaining a strong tradition of student learning while still fostering competitive research. During his time as a dean at the University of Miami, he has been a very effective, open-minded administrator, and we look forward to having him at the helm in the coming years. Feiss also deserves our thanks for his service to the College. Always a wise presence in the administration, since 2003 he has steadied this institution during tumultuous financial and political times. We’ll miss his ever-present bow ties and wish him the best in his coming retirement. Houser puts apathy into action rik Houser ’10 , a Student Assembly senate candidate with no platform, experience or SA knowledge to speak of, will stand Eunopposed for the final senior class senate seat after Eric Newman ’10, another atypical candidate, withdrew from the upcoming race. Due to SA election rules that do not allow protest votes and a lack of a serious write-in contender, Houser will almost certainly win. After sitting down to talk with Houser about his candidacy, we believe he has the potential to serve his class well as a true SA outsider. Fueled by a sense of righteous apathy toward the SA — something he reminds us not to mistake for apathy toward the College he loves By Vi c k y Ch a o , Fl a t Ha t Ca r t o o n i s t — Houser’s campaign has been critical in orientation. He is quick to deride most “SA regulars” as distant and self-serving and believes that a large part of the student body simply does not care about SA goings-on. In office, however, he will need to do more than just criticize, and we think he is ready to do so. Houser has agreed to take on this position Stakes are high for upcoming state election energetically, while remaining beholden to none but those disaffected voters who will have brought him into office. Since he has few ideas of Being a vocal and active part of the electoral process is his own — although we did like the few he suggested — he will need to solicit student input, a process he seems to eagerly anticipate. Above all, Ben Schultz the next step. While some believe it is impossible to get a his strongest asset as a senator will be his willingness to stand alone. politician’s attention if you are not a lobbyist or power donor, However, despite all the jokes that can be made at the SA’s expense, flat hat guest columnist this is simply not the case. Write a letter, go to a public the SA itself is not a joke. If elected, Houser will do his class a event — make it clear that the College is important to you. tremendous disservice if he does not take his position as seriously as Since we have shown students to be an organized and often he should. He has pledged to be an active and engaged member of the The most important election of your lifetime seems to monolithic voting bloc, you will be able to get their attention. senate, and we will do our best to hold him to that. have been held last year. This may have inspired millions Politicians should know that making cuts to higher of Americans to take part in a historic election, but such education funding, either directly or indirectly, is an The staff editorial represents the opinion of The Flat Hat. The editorial board, which is election-season hyperboles rang forth with such frequency unacceptable option. By appropriating less money each elected by The Flat Hat’s section editors and executive staff, consists of Miles Hilder, over the last year and a half that even the arrival of the year and attempting to take steps to limit the number of Sam Sutton, Mike Crump, Matt Poms and Andy Henderson. Williamsburg spring has been unable to completely shake out-of-state students, who are a major economic asset to my bout of election exhaustion. Despite this, it is time for the College because of their higher tuition, the General Virginia to get ready to go again, and it turns out that for Assembly is passing the burden to working families and LETTERS TO THE EDITOR the College of William and Mary, this one matters more creating a generation of debt by forcing tuition increases. than the last. Keeping our campuses safe should also be a top priority. License plates are not policy contribute to the debate on SB187. Since the early days of Virginia, the Commonwealth holds We need people in office who will work to keep weapons off To the Editor: Those taxpayers who support pregnancy elections for Governor and the House of Delegates in the our campuses, support meaningful mental health services for I was intrigued by a March 20 letter crisis centers ought to be able to use state year immediately following presidential elections. This means students, and give campus police the resources and mandate written by Brittany Montalvo ’09. She programs to promote their objectives that the people who ultimately decide to focus on campus safety. stated her thoughts on an amendment so long as their fellow taxpayers are not how large our campus police force Beyond this, we need politicians in Virginia Senate Bill 187, which would financially impacted. will be, whether or not the ceilings The past few years have shown us who recognize that a strong system create the “Choose Life” license plate. — Garret D. Girmus ’11 in our classrooms will keep leaking, that students can have a profound of colleges and universities makes These plates would be used to fund which events can come to campus, impact on the course of elections. Virginia stronger, and that by ensuring pregnancy crisis centers. Generally, the Erik Houser for senate if the class you need to graduate is that we continue to graduate highly only funding that special license plates To the Editor: going to be offered — basically every educated members of the workforce, provide comes from those supporters A runoff election is taking place on single aspect of your day to day college life — are up for we are ensuring that we will continue to have a strong and who purchase and display the plates Thursday, April 2 for the 2010 senate. election this year. vibrant Commonwealth. promoting their respective causes. Juniors must vote for the candidate who We are at the beginning of a magical time of year called On April 19th, College students will have an opportunity I suspect the Virginia League will best represent them next year and we election season, and between now and November 3, those to demonstrate their civic engagement in state politics as for Planned Parenthood and other believe that candidate is Erik Houser ’10. running will have to listen to the ideas and concerns of their the Sadler Center hosts the three candidates running for the organizations that help provide materials Apathy is not a gimmick. Rather, it constituents. It is up to us to let them know where we stand Democratic nomination for governor, as well as numerous and services to women, could also is a truth that obviously resonates with on these issues. other influential policymakers and members of the media, obtain similar license plates if they so a sizeable portion of the student body: The past few years have shown us that we students can for the first debate of the 2009 election cycle. While the desired. Let it be noted, however, that those who are typically ignored by the have a profound impact on the course of elections at all levels organizers have not announced the specifics of the format, these organizations currently receive Student Assembly and who therefore of government, and it is once again time to do just that. it is likely that members of the College community will have state funding from taxpayers, both those simply don’t care. Registering to vote in Virginia is the first step to make an some influence over the questions asked at the debate. I who agree and those who disagree with It has become cliche to define a impact. Thanks to a wonderful effort by a very committed invite you to join me in ensuring that the candidates know their programs and initiatives. Pregnancy candidate as the outsider who can relate group of students here on campus, chances are that you the importance of students and higher education. crisis centers do not currently receive to the average voter, but this Thursday have already done this. For those students who have not Finally, you must vote. Vote for the candidate that you state funding. the class of 2010 has the chance to vote registered, things are only getting easier. This year the believe will sustain our great education system and who Assessing the relative faults and for a person who is exactly that. Houser General Assembly modified Virginia’s voter registration knows that the issues important to young people are merits of pregnancy crisis centers, and has no agenda, affiliations or allegiances laws to make it explicitly clear that living in a community for important to Virginia. what Montalvo considers a “legitimate — his only ties are to the class of 2010. school makes you eligible to vote there. Ben Schultz is a senior at the College. health center” for women, does not — John Hill ’10 and Sam Wheeler ’10 Generation Y cannot be blamed for the mistakes of our parents

has been made to feel more entitled than is more or less screwed don’t really help It’s also very hard to blame our millions of Americans. We didn’t ask for previous generations. “Growing up, they things either. generation for failing to find a solution to it, but we will have to fix it. Alexander Ely heard over and over again that you can While folks like Twenge and other global climate change after twenty years Nobody in their right mind thinks flat hat chief staff writer be whatever you want to be,” she said. authors and pundits are quick to point of scientific evidence, for refusing to that anything besides birthday presents “Young people who grew up thinking out that today’s college grads are undertake efforts to address the millions should just be handed to them on a they’d be a star are now reassessing their receiving a nasty wake-up call, they of Americans living in poverty, or for silver platter. Most of us here at the Last week, a friend drew my attention value systems.” conveniently gloss over the fact that it allowing the nation’s infrastructure, College know a thing or two about work to an article in The New York Post about While I do recall hearing once or is their generation’s fault. Sure, a lot roads and bridges to go by the wayside. and commitment, and we would be recent and soon-to-be college graduates twice in my life that I could be anything of the more talented young people in The bottom line is that we are foolish for giving up on hard work and and their struggles finding employment, I wanted to when I grew up if I worked America over the last several years left inheriting this mess, and we should be perseverance in our chosen field just money, direction, purpose and some of hard enough (I don’t know, maybe their undergraduate institutions and careful about letting authors and pundits because the latest Oprah book calls our those other things that are apparently something about that whole America headed to well-paying jobs in New York say that we somehow deserve it while generation spoiled and lazy. important in life. thing?). I think it’s a little premature to and Washington. And yes, many of them they continue to profit off the misery of Alexander Ely is a senior at the College. Now, while part of my justification start changing one’s values just because were promised the world: a high paying for reading anything in that rag of a a dream job isn’t falling into your lap. salary with benefits for playing with newspaper was that the story quoted a Most seniors have probably had this monopoly money and making risky bets. friend and recent grad on his troubles conversation. You go to Mug Night But it’s quite a stretch to say that in New York City, the story did raise a trying to avoid worrying about where these same 20-somethings were making number of interesting points on what has you will be next year or what you will the executive, greed-based decisions come to be known as Generation Y, also be doing, but instead you find yourself at investment banks and insurance known as just about every undergraduate peppered with questions on that very companies that contributed to the at the College of William and Mary. topic. The only comfort is that you financial crisis, sent unemployment The author of the piece interviews discover how many people are in exactly rates soaring and brought on an era Jean Twenge, a professor at San Diego the same place as you: unemployed, where college graduates are struggling State University and author of a recent worried and even panicked. Articles in to find unpaid internships, much less

book that explains how our generation newspapers about how your generation actual jobs. Olivia Walch — the flat hat Tuesday, March 31, 2009 Page 5

Variety Editor Mike Crump [email protected]

Variety confusion corner Room-mating season: Cooking up a storm The hunt is on ‘Idol’ winner David Cook performs on campus Kevin Mooney confusion corner guest columnist

You feel it in the air. The pheromones, the smell of anxiety, a subtle, yet distinct undertone of desperation — you know it all too well. It’s mating season. Room- mating season, that is. It comes around every year (somewhat sadistically preceded by the equally harrowing class selection period) like a high-stakes game of musical chairs. But you’re not worried. You’ve played this little “game” before. You’re covered. You remember the whole process just like it was yesterday — the scheming, plotting, your entire “strategy” most likely predicated on an overdeveloped knowledge of “Apprentice” reruns (You had resolved to be the Omarosa of the roommate selection). You predictably received your no-better-than- average lottery number, which was followed by an outbreak of the bump — the venereal disease of the housing process. Thankfully, you tested negative. And somehow after all of that you ended up with a roommate toward whom you, surprisingly, harbored no homicidal desires for an entire year. Your only concern this semester was to merely be long gone from your god-awful suitemate — the one prone to excessively long showers at nearly any time of day. The one you’ve, perhaps not so affectionately, dubbed Mr. Clean. Then you realize you and your roommate haven’t really talked about housing next year. Of course, it’s too late to bring it up now. Plus, you both are too cool for that. Your relationship, too evolved for mere words, instead exists as some sort of telekinetic bond. So the Caitlin Fairchild — The Flat Hat issue is left alone, eventually evolving into a sort of David Cook performed in the Sadler Center’s Chesapeake Rooms Saturday night. Though students attended, the audience was largely made up of local residents. prisoner’s dilemma, with which you naively choose Cook ended his concert on a somber note saying he was canceling upcoming shows. to cooperate. This, as any government professor will tell you, is absolutely the incorrect choice, which you By CAITLIN FAIRCHILD a high percentage of which were included “Psycho Suicidal Girls,” an After the announcement, Cook might have learned in your 8 a.m. International Politics Flat Hat Photo Editor members of the general public. angry tune about an ex-fling, and finally took the stage, opening with a class, had you chosen to attend it last week. According to Will Sealy ’09, a member “Right Now,” which was snappy, and cover of Collective Soul’s “The World Finally, the truth comes out. Your roommate is Saturday, both middle-aged moms of the Alma Mater Productions music anthemic. He closed the night with I Know,” which he performed on the getting an apartment with his girlfriend (whose name and excited pre-teens swooned in the committee and the main organizer of an unexpected, grungy cover of the “American Idol” finale. you had forgotten), who almost certainly stole one of Sadler Center’s Chesapeake room the event, AMP decided to limit the Katy Perry song, “Hot and Cold.” Throughout the show he took your T-shirts. It’s in the Midlands, he says beaming to the music of David Cook, winner number of non-student tickets to fill After Star exited the stage, roadies advantage of his heartthrob status, with excitement, with a pull-out couch and a veranda. of “American Idol” season seven. only fifty percent capacity. Although and members of AMP worked quickly shamelessly flirting with his female They’re in love — mostly with the apartment, less so Cook ultimately beat co-finalist David AMP could have gained more revenue to change the music equipment, fans. with one another — but you remain unimpressed. Archuleta, winning 56 percent of the by selling more public tickets, Sealy while the teenage girls and their “ I t ’ s For a moment you ponder the fanciful idea of 100 million votes cast. explained that they wanted to serve parents trembled in excitement and good to ONLINE VIDEO off-campus housing, though truthfully you have no Cook’s stop at the College of students first, justifying AMP’s the winners of AMP’s promotional see some Watch fan reactions concept of the relative costs involved. Money is still William and Mary was a part of his decision to reserve a certain number T-shirt contest were announced. new faces vaguely defined, an intangible asset that the current “Declaration Tour,” which focused of tickets for students even though The lucky designers of these … and and band recession will keep you from attaining for years. on smaller, more intimate venues at not all were sold. homemade David Cook T-shirts were some old interviews online Back on the prowl, you run into your old freshman East Coast colleges. AMP jumped Before Cook took the stage, opener given the opportunity to meet with ones, too,” roommate at the Rec Center. You haven’t talked in at the opportunity and booked the Ryan Star warmed up the crowd with Cook after the show. Screams filled he said, at flathatnews.com awhile. Following freshman year, he quickly bailed on singer last fall. mainstream rock tunes, tight black the air as the names were announced. smiling at you, dashing your hopes of eventually attending the Roughly 800 people attended, pants and plenty of attitude. The majority of the winners were the devoted Cook enthusiasts who you’ve-suffered-with-the-same-person-for-four-years Star, another alumnus of reality not students at the College; three had followed him on tour and had brunch with College of William and Mary President television, is best known for his stint students who won the chance to positioned themselves in the center Taylor Reveley. He’s here with his new roommate, on the show “Rock Star: Supernova.” meet Cook were Matt Schofield ’12, of the front row. having just finished their weekly racquetball game. His set consisted of music similar to Caitlin Shoemaker ’12 and Michelle Cook threw out handfuls of guitar Both are wearing conveniently matching sweaters, that of Cook and flirtatious banter Bousquet ’12. picks to the audience, which elicited like a Wimbledon tennis duo. You make awkward with audience members. Schofield said he encouraged his many squealing reactions. small talk throughout the encounter, feeling ever more “I’d like to study here,” Star said friends to enter the T-shirt contest for Between songs he relayed like a jealous ex. You momentarily consider floating to the students in the crowd. “What a chance to talk to Cook and convince anecdotes, such as his earlier the possibility of a triple, but can’t find a way to say, do you guys study?” him to give up Carrie Underwood’s exploration of campus. He mentioned “Hey, you ever considered adding another person One girl responded “English” to phone number. Shoemaker said they specifically his difficulty avoiding to the mix,” without it sounding like a request for a which Star replied with a smirk, “You were “... on pins and needles, waiting puddles while playing a game of threesome. You leave disheartened. don’t know English? What’d you get for [their] names to be called.” catch on the Sunken Gardens, then On the way back, things are looking desperate. on your SATs?” After AMP announced the winners, jokingly suggested that the College Everywhere you go, you see happily coupled Similar to the stage theatrics of Shoemaker said the students were should look out for an invoice for one roommates, with their frisbees and their bicycles made Creed’s Scott Stapp, Star occasionally ecstatic. pair of ruined shoes. for two, frolicking through the Sunken Garden in the struck Messiah-like poses throughout “A loud eruption came from Matt Segueing into the angrier spring breeze, bromance in the air. You, on the other the set. in the middle of the floor where tune, “Lie,” Cook explained how hand, size up every passing acquaintance, each time Star’s set ranged from harder we were located,” she said. “I unromantic the song was while wondering: Does he snore? Have an abiding love of tracks, like “Brand New Day” with immediately texted my mom and simultaneously trying to sell House music? Own a pet iguana? Returning home, you vocals reminiscent of Chris Cornell sister, who both responded with T-shirts. glance toward the bathroom door, from the bottom of of Soundgarden and Audioslave, to excitement and a bit of envy.” “How many couples in the crowd which an all-too-familiar cloud of steam is rising. more adult-contemporary fare with The student’s winning T-shirts tonight?” he said. “Well, you guys In a state of utter dejection, you forget yourself for a caitlin fairchild — the flat hat the song “Last Train Home,” which were inspired by Cook’s first single should hang by the merch table, moment, and wonder if Mr. Clean needs a roommate. Show opener Ryan Star often struck was featured on the “P.S. I Love “Time of my Life” and incorporated Kevin Mooney is a guest Confusion Corner columnist. Messiah-like poses on stage. You” soundtrack. His better numbers the College’s logo on the back. See COOK page 6 He and his roommate wear matching sweaters.

Behind Closed doors Sure-fire tips for a healthy College love life

Let’s start with universals ­— things for This is college; we’re clearly not adults yet. Maya Horowitz which both men and women fall head-over- There’s no reason to have a plan for your heels. I’m talking about the kind of panty- future. And if you do, hide it. People with flat hat sex columnist dropping, erection-inducing, pheromone- direction are totally unsexy. secreting qualities that every player at the n Pushiness. I love it when a man College should have. doggedly pursues me, despite any hint There’s a lot of talk about the n Lack of confidence. No one likes of interest on my part. It really plays into awkwardness on campus. I fully believe someone with a healthy amount of self- all those latent caveman fantasies. Who that the College of William and Mary is esteem. Personally, nothing turns me on wouldn’t want to hook up with someone the least awkward place on the planet. more than a man who hates himself. who can’t take a hint? Seriously, you look up antonyms for n Completely disinterest. You have to n Instant intimacy. When I first meet awkward in a thesaurus and you’ll find a make future mates work for it. Don’t listen someone, I want to know everything about definition for the student population of the to anything they’re saying. Better yet, them. Had a bad case of chlamydia? Tell College. ignore them all together. Don’t converse me about it. Horrible family situation? I’m Thus, this column only really applies readily, do not touch them casually and loving it. Drug habit that has led you to kill to those two or three aberrant students whatever you do, do not smile. Feeling a man in cold blood? Take me now. out there who happen to be outliers on unloved and ugly is the key to any heart. Now, for what every man wants in a the College’s graph of awkwardness. This n Absence of goals in life. What are goals woman. Ladies, these three things are sure one’s for you, creepers, your how-to guide good for? I certainly don’t want to hear to finding the perfect mate. that you hope to be successful one day. See advice page 6 olivia walch — the flat hat Page 6 Tuesday, March 31, 2009 CAPSULE REVIEWS Perfect tips for the Hip-Hop Fridays@5 Yeah Yeah Yeahs It’s Blitz! For the past two years, fans of the Yeah perfect partner Yeah Yeahs have had to get their musical kicks elsewhere. The indie rockers took a prolonged ADvice from page 5 hiatus from the recording studios after 2006’s “Show Your Bones.” And yet, their latest release, to make you the belle of the ball. “It’s Blitz!,” proves that some things are worth n Clinginess. Men need to feel loved, even the wait. The band’s third album quenches if you’ve just met them. Throw yourself at the musical dry spell with an unexpected, but him. Tell him all the reasons why you need exhilarating exploration of what can only be him: Your dad never said “I love you;” you’re described as electronic disco pop. co-dependent; you’re looking for someone to From the tip-toeing beats of the opening song, latch onto and never let go. He’s sure to keep “Zero,” to the pulsing dance fantasies of “Soft you around. Shock,” one thing’s for damn sure: This album’s n Acting stupid. There are few things worse got heart. Co-produced by David Sitek of TV on in this world than a smart woman. Who the Radio and Nick Launay, the brains behind the needs ’em? Let him do the thinking, you just band’s 2007 “Is Is,” “It’s Blitz!” determinedly takes sit there and look pretty. its cues from the n Be slutty. Men do not want to have vintage synths of the anything left to the imagination. Your bra and disco-era, sometimes thong should always be showing. If they’re leaving lead guitarist not, you shouldn’t be wearing them. Bring Nick Zinner with a fan in your purse for emergencies, in case little to do but man your nipples are not erect and in plain sight. soundboard. The Listen closely men, here’s what you need band’s signature- to be doing so that you can get laid: gritty-garage sound n Never, under any circumstances, share has been similarly your emotions. Women expect you to be cold tossed out the as ice. If you let things phase you, you might Caitlin Fairchild — The Flat Hat window without even a cursory backwards glance. as well go have a sex-change operation. Men Underground hip-hop group M1_Platoon performing original music at Lodge 1 Friday, March 27. The group, Still, by drawing inspiration from the mirror-ball shouldn’t have feelings. It’s not okay for a whose members attend North Carolina Central University, is originally from Washington, D.C. This event era, the Yeah Yeah Yeahs created a smoother, man to cry. When I see a man crying, I spit was the second of AMP’s Hip-Hop Fridays@5 events of this Spring. more refined sound. Whereas 2006’s “Show Your in his face and call him a sissy. Bones” sounds like a haphazard collection of rock- n Be as lewd as the depths of your anthems, “It’s Blitz!” has evolved into a cohesive imagination will allow. Think of the most narration of 2 a.m. urban nightlife. foul sexual fantasy that you have and share ‘American Idol’ winner sings, charms The album swells with an electric-current it with every woman you meet. I once met a capable of causing static cling and lead singer guy at the Green Leafe Cafe who gave me an Cook from page 5 canceled one show so far. So this he was wearing, which prompted Karen O. outdoes herself with standout track, explicit description of how he would move will be our last song for four days the question from a nearby “Skeletons.” In actuality, it’s barely half a beat his tongue around my lower lips. I was weak ’cause this song is not for you.” …” and then led into his well- student, “Boxers or briefs?” He away from aping the 2003 single “Maps,” but the in the knees. He assumed a casual, joking known single, “Light On.” Voices laughed and replied “nope,” rare fragility of Karen’s voice in the delicate — n Embrace your inner rudeness. Don’t tone on stage. “We had an of the crowd led the last chorus of indicating with his hands that he and far less annoying — chorus make the song compliment her. Better yet, insult her. election not too long ago … Who the song, ending the concert with was not wearing any underwear. something to cherish. Overlaid with a charged Women want you to be in charge and push did you guys vote for?” Cook a more intimate feel. Meanwhile, Shoemaker, Scho- snare beat, the song quickly transcends from us around. Yell over nothing. Refuse to open asked. A few excited crowd The excitement continued on field and Bousquet waited eagerly gentle ballad to shooting single. Though the doors. If it’s rude, it’s a natural turn-on. members, potentially confusing after the show as the winners after the show for their meet-and- instrumentation quickly devolves into chaos, And that’s it. That’s all I know. If you can’t the presidential election with of the T-shirt contest waited greet with Cook. Shoemaker said Karen’s voice remains passive as she croons with get yourself laid with my advice, I might the past season of “American anxiously for their meet-and- that Schofield, “made a valiant the impassive regularity of a dripping faucet. as well hand in my resignation as the sex Idol,” yelled that they voted greet while Ryan Star mingled effort” to get Underwood’s num- Her cold detachment makes the track ache with columnist. These tips are fool-proof. I use for Cook. He thanked them for with fans by the merchandise ber, but Cook declined. However, repressed emotion. them every time I go out ... or I would, if I their vote, and then explained table. On the first floor of the Cook was friendly and charming From the polished-pop lyrics to the instantly- weren’t kidding. that he was returning to the Sadler Center, two members of to his fans. iconic album art, this album was not produced by Regardless, play on, players. And please, “American Idol” tradition of Ryan Star’s band, Dan Tirer and “We chatted for a second with the band of misfits responsible for 2003’s “Fever don’t take any of the above advice. Not audience decision-making. Artie Fleischmann, sold CDs to his band members and were to Tell.” With “It’s Blitz!,” the Yeah Yeah Yeahs unless you want to spend the rest of the “We’re going to leave it to anyone they could find. amused by David’s ease and step out of the garage and into their own, now semester getting intimate with your hand. democracy,” he said, and gave When asked how the show humor in posing for pictures,” fully realized, sound. Maya Horowitz is The Flat Hat sex the crowd two options for his went, they emphatically stated, Shoemaker said. “We got our — by Virginia Butler columnist. She wishes you a happy — and safe next song: “Little Lies” or “Hot for “swimmingly” and that they were photo and an autograph, which I iiiii — April Fool’s Day. Teacher.” By round of applause, excited to head out to the next promptly hung in my dorm room: “Hot for Teacher” won by a wide show. Fleischmann then offered I was so pumped to finally meet margin. Cook’s drummer then to share what kind of underwear an ‘Idol’.” immediately started in on the Want to work for distinctive Van Halen drum solo. The crowd’s enhusiasm intensified when Cook announced that he had two new singles coming out that month and that he just shot the music video for “Come Back to Me.” “I got to do a little acting for it, which [was] nice.” Cook then ? delved into the narrative lyrics of a song, fitting to some bad music- video acting. One high point during the show was the song “Bar-ba-Sol” THE Variety which started out sounding like a monotonous Nickelback song, but gained a punchier melody as it continued. However, the tune “Declaration” fell flat as an attempt to serve up hackneyed section inspiration. Cook wrapped up the concert on a more somber note, announcing that he was going to is looking for columnists and writers for take off the next couple of shows on the tour, but promised to do his the 2009-2010 academic year best to reschedule. He sounded Caitlin Fairchild — The Flat Hat very regretful stating, “from [the David Cook belts out a tune to fans in the Sadler Center’s Chesapeake age of] 15 to now, I have only rooms. The College was one of many stops on Cook’s current tour. behind closed doors

confusion corner

critical condition

That Guy/Girl

or have your own idea? suggest it.

both male and female writers accepted for all columns.

to apply, e-mail [email protected] Tuesday, March 31, 2009 Page 7 Sports Editor Matt Poms Sports Editor Chris Weidman Inside SPORTS [email protected] What’s on TV Sound bytes By the numbers women’s Ncaa tourney “Can’t say no one makes money # 3 Arizona vs. # 1 UConn from twitter now. The NBA does.” $6 million — 7:00 p.m. Tuesday on ESPN — Mavericks owner Mark Cuban on Buyout that the University of Kentucky NBA his Twitter feed after being fined would have been forced to pay fired Wizards vs. Cavaliers $25,000 for criticizing NBA officiat- head basketball coach Billy Gillispie — 8:00 p.m. Thursday on TNT ing on his feed earlier in the week. had he signed his contract extension. baseball College falls in two of three games against Mason Stampone provides extra inning drama for second time in a week in lone Tribe win

By JACK LAMBERT Down 4-1, the Tribe scored five runs in the third weekend, Leoni shuffled his infield, moving Stam- Flat Hat Associate Sports Editor to take a 6-4 lead. The score was tied 7-7 when ju- pone to first base. The Tribe entered the bottom of nior righthander Kevin Landry entered out of the the ninth with its best chance for a win all series. The College of William and Mary (19-5, 2-4 bullpen in the top of the eighth, walking George Freshman righthander Matt Davenport held CAA) played three games this weekend, losing a Mason’s Brent Weiss on four pitches. the Patriots to four runs on seven hits over six and doubleheader Saturday to George Mason Univer- The next batter, nine-hitter Ryan Uphouse laid two-thirds innings. The Tribe entered the ninth sity (19-5, 4-2 CAA), 21-3 and 11-7, while winning a bunt down the first baseline. Landry fielded the tied 6-6, facing George Mason’s Jordan Flasher, the series finale 7-6 Sunday. ball, but his throw sailed over senior Jeff Jones’ who had yet to surrender a run on the season. The entire series can be summed up in three glove at first base, and as Weis ran for third, senior Senior shortstop Lanny Stanfield walked with innings. shortstop James Williamson’s relay skipped past one out, bringing freshman Tadd Bower to the During the top of the sixth inning in the first Stampone, allowing Weis to score. plate. Despite having Stampone on deck, Leoni let game Saturday, George Mason’s Shane Davis hit a Later in the inning, senior rightfielder Rob Bower hit, and the freshman pushed a single be- grand slam for the Patriots, making the score 14-1, Nickle misplayed a single by the Patriots’ Justin tween second and first to put runners on first and and was followed by Brett Palumbo. On the first Bour in right field, letting Bour move to second. third for Stampone. pitch, Palumbo showed bunt. As Bour tried to stretch what was now a double “Hats off to Tadd,” Leoni said. “He’s been strug- “Being up 14 runs or so, and then you try to into a triple, Williamson’s relay throw again went gling, and he got to two strikes and not only gets a bunt a base hit, that’s just bush league,” senior past Stampone and Bour scored. two-strike hit, but he puts the ball in a spot where third baseman Tyler Stampone said. Four errors in one inning, eight errors total, it allows Lanny to get to third.” Stampone shared his opinion with Palumbo on and two innings later the Tribe would fall 11-7. With Stanfield 90 feet away, Stampone took 2 the field, albeit louder and in stronger language. “When you play out a script in the beginning curve balls before laying down a suicide squeeze “I told him that’s [classless],” Stampone said, of the year, thinking about how you can possibly on Flasher’s first fastball of the at-bat. Stanfield “And they threw at me my next at-bat, which I win certain games, we put ourselves in a situation scored, and the Tribe formed a dog pile to cele- guess I knew was coming, but it was also unneces- to win that game,” Head Coach Frank Leoni said brate the team’s 7-6 victory. sary.” afterwards. “That was our chance; hopefully we’ll “After yesterday, a bottom-of-the-ninth win is a john quinn — the flat hat The game would end 21-3, and Stampone’s have another chance tomorrow.” big deal,” Davenport said. “And hopefully we can Freshman pitcher Cole Shain tossed 5 2/3 innings Saturday. fiery action would carry over into the nightcap. With the sun out Sunday for the first time all keep it going through this week.” With NFL in sight, Cox soldiers on cox from page 8 better,” Cox said. “If you do better each morning and attends class for stand that all the hard work — the than that, you’re in good shape.” several hours before leaving campus grueling workouts, the strict diet — several years. When that speed is coupled with at 11:30 a.m. to make the trip up In- is aimed at leaving the cornerback in Each season, the Tribe goes on his penchant for finding the end zone terstate 64 to train at ESP. Once there, the best possible physical shape for the road to play a major-conference — Cox scored four touchdowns this Cox conducts his daily workout be- the series of NFL workouts that will FBS opponent, usually an ACC past season as a cornerback and kick fore arriving back in Williamsburg make or break his chances of getting school. Cox has made the most of returner — he becomes an attractive around 4:30 p.m. He downs an en- on a roster. these opportunities. This past year, in and cheap option for NFL teams in ergy bar and a banana before head- The strict discipline has made its the College’s season-opener against next month’s draft. ing to the Laycock Center to be mark. According to Shane Sykes, North Carolina State University, he But for Cox, the NFL draft is stretched and iced down. Dinner at Cox’s trainer at ESP, the senior has intercepted a fourth-quarter pass and merely the beginning of his football the Caf is followed by several hours shaved nearly three-tenths of a sec- returned it for a touchdown in front journey, and his career hopes do not of homework and T.V. with his room- ond off his 40-yard dash time since of 56,000 people. His sophomore rest solely on it. While he has a shot mates before his midnight curfew. beginning his grueling workout year, playing against the University at being selected in the late rounds, Wednesday is his only day off. schedule, and has seen major im- of Maryland, he notched three tack- the cornerback is likely to be signed “My social life has changed,” he provements in other areas. les and recovered a fumble. as an undrafted free agent if he is not. said. “I’ve had to cut everything out. However, like any other college Despite these appearances, the Consequently, while all his prepara- I hear from people, ‘you don’t come kid, Cox occasionally allows himself exposure is still less than that of a tions are focused toward sufficiently hang out anymore’, but that’s just not a moment’s indulgence. major school. impressing scouts in order to hear important to me right now, that’s not “When this part comes to an “You always have to do a little his name called on draft day, Cox will my major goal.” end,” he says with a grin, “I’m going more as a I-AA player,” Cox said. not be too distraught if it is not. Luckily, Cox benefits from a sup- to treat myself to a burger at Chili’s “You’ve got to have something that port system of friends and room- — a Big Mouth Bacon Burger.” sets you apart.” But Cox knows that he can af- mates who, as former Tribe football However, refocusing on the goal For the senior, that “something” ford to take no chances, which is why players themselves, understand his around which his entire life is cur- is prodigious speed and a knack for the senior has put his life on hold to quest. rently centered, Cox quickly turns making big-time plays. All profes- prepare himself for the testings of “They haven’t pulled me away, or serious. sional cornerbacks must be fast, but NFL scouts and, he hopes, the rigors taken me in a different direction or “But if I do something like that, Cox’s time in the 40-yard dash, rang- of an NFL training camp. tried to persuade me to do things I it’s up to me to make up for it. It’s my ing between 4.38 and 4.42 seconds, While his senior classmates re- shouldn’t be doing,” Cox said. “They responsibility.” clocks in at the high end of that lax and enjoy the final semesters of know what schedule I’m on and what Next Tuesday, The Flat Hat will group. their collegiate lives, Cox adheres to I need to be on and they’ve been run Part Two of this feature, fol-

“Generally what the league wants a much different schedule. helpful along the way.” lowing Cox as he participates in john quinn — the flat hat to see for a corner is to run a 4.5 or Monday through Friday, he rises Like Cox, his roommates under- his Pro Day and other events. Cox returns a punt for a touchdown against Richmond Nov. 22. Tribe shines at home, takes team title Nittany Lions gymnastics from page 8 down College “It was great to see Richard come through and nail a set under pressure like that,” Gau- lacrosse from page 8 thier said. “Pearson works pommel horse like nobody else. He is clean, precise, swings great. Pulling the Penn State defender to her by veering right, That is why he scores well.” Martin quickly passed to Holofcener, who subsequently The team rallied around Pearson’s set, tak- fired a shot past Nittany Lion goalkeeper Stephanie Ellis ing the added energy into its final two events to tie the game at ten. for the victory. However, the goals that made the difference in the Junior Derek Gygax led the Tribe all day, game were from free position shots. Both teams had five winning the individual all-around champion- attempts, but Penn State was able to find the back of the ship with a score of 84.15, thanks in part to an net four times compared to the College’s two. impressive high bar routine which featured a “Our shooting was really what cost us the game,” Half- newly-added double twisting, double backflip penny said. dismount in the tuck position. Although Dennis (three goals) and Golden (three “[Gygax] put in a new dismount in the last goals, one assist) lead the Tribe in scoring with 21 goals two weeks, which is tough, particularly at the each, Saturday was not the day for assists. Only four play- end of a routine when your hands are sweating ers recorded one assist each. The Lions had only five and burning,” Gauthier said. “He nailed it.” john quinn — the flat hat aided goals. In the individual championships Saturday, Senior Richard Pearson earned All-American honors on pommel horse with a score of 13.8 Saturday. With their non-conference schedule out of the way, the Prim recorded an impressive performance, Tribe will face Towson University in Towson, Md. Friday placing in the top six on his three events before dividual All-American honors including Gygax omores Andy Hunter (sixth on parallel bars) at 7 p.m. It will be a rematch of last year’s CAA Tourna- battling through a shoulder injury to capture a (fifth on vault and high bar), Pearson (first on and Josh Fried (third on floor). ment final, at which the Tigers commanded the tempo gold, silver and bronze on parallel bars, pom- pommel horse), Prim (first on parallel bars, The Tribe travels to West Point, N.Y. this for the entire 60 minutes en route to a 16-7 victory. mel horse and rings respectively. second on pommel horse, third on rings), se- weekend to compete in the ECAC Champion- “We’ve said we’re ready [to play tougher opponents],” The College finished Saturday with six in- nior Jay Hilbun (second on high bar) and soph- ships. Dennis said. “Now, we just need to put it into play.” Page 8 Tuesday, March 31, 2009 Baseball: Mason takes 2 of 3 see page 7

Sposportsr featurets Sp o r t s in b r i e f Going the distance

erek Cox is gassed. The College of William and Mary senior cornerback is sprinting across the hard-worn turf of an indoor soccer field on the indus- Dtrial outskirts of Richmond, Va., legs straining against the unrelenting tug of a 25-lb. sled attached to his waist. Reaching the center of the field he slows his run, coming to a stop and bending over to catch his breath. Derek and the seven other athletes training alongside him are in the middle of a grueling two-and-a-half hour workout. 150 minutes of stretching, sprinting and lifting. “Put your hand in the air if you’re sore,” yells a crew-cut athletic trainer, seem- ingly taken straight from every workout video ever made. courtesy photo — w&M sports info Junior Connor O’Brien Every hand goes up. Yet, there’s none of the usual griping and complaining that typically accompa- men’s golf nies the off-season workouts of collegiate and scholastic athletic teams everywhere. Tribe takes second place For this group of football players, the training has ceased to be part of a game — training is their life. at Towson Invitational Each of the players is chasing a career that few ever obtain: the chance to suit The College notched a strong up on Sundays for a team in the National Football League. For all assembled, it is second-place finish at the Tow- a dream that requires the utmost discipline, performance and, in the end, luck. For son Invitational Saturday. The each man, the pursuit of this dream is every bit as unremitting and remorseless as Tribe posted a 54-hole team total of 878 (+14), 25 strokes the 25-lb. sled at his back. behind tournament champion In a two-part series, The Flat Hat will chronicle the experience of Cox, as he Kent State University. Senior undertakes his long and difficult journey to the NFL. Brent Paladino led the Tribe Part One follows today; Part Two will run in next Tuesday’s issue. with a score of 214 (-2), finish- ing fourth in the individual hon- ors. Freshman Jason Chun tied for 12th with a score of 221 (+5). maral noori-moghaddam — The flat hat Paladino carded the second best score of the tournament in the second round, recording a 69 By MATT POMS drive to Richmond four times a week, be sharp and on point because my perfor- But the big-time Football Bowl Series after a score of 70 through the Flat Hat Sports Editor arriving shortly before 1 p.m. at Elkin mance will make all the difference.” schools did not come calling with scholar- first 18 holes. Sophomore Bran- Sports Performance — a small complex ship offers as they had for his brother. In- don Parker was the third Tribe RICHMOND, Va. — Derek Cox in a gritty area overlooking Interstate 95. For Cox, it is a journey that began stead, Cox ended up at the College, a foot- finisher at 225 (+9). stands toward the center of the indoor He goes to bed by midnight each night, 13 years ago, as a 10-year-old emerging ball program with a vast and storied legacy soccer field, breathing heavily as he un- rising at 7:30 a.m. — weekends included onto a football field for the first time. Al- of its own, but one devoid of the high-end women’s tennis hooks the training sled harness from — to ready his body for peak physical though baseball was his first love, Cox exposure of the larger schools and confer- College falls to rival VCU his waist. At 6’1” and a relatively slight performance. A blue packet from ESP blossomed on the gridiron, finding a pas- ences. 182 lbs., he is far from the most power- outlines exactly what he eats and what sion for the game that was solidified when Perversely, it is that factor which could to open conference play ful or impressive-looking player present. he does not. Included among the lat- his older brother earned a scholarship to end up playing the largest role in Cox’s fu- In its CAA opener, the Tribe Yet, with blazing speed — Cox has been ter are cheese and red meat. He rarely play for East Carolina University. Cox was ture professional chances. (6-9, 0-1 CAA) lost to Virginia clocked as quick as 4.34 seconds in the socializes on weekend nights, and if he a freshman in high school at the time and “[Playing in the FBS] would have put Commonwealth University (15-6, 40-yard dash — he is among the fastest does he arrives back at his apartment be- from then on it was all football. me on a higher platform,” Cox said. “Com- 1-0 CAA) 4-3 Monday afternoon. and, overall, one of the few players in at- fore midnight. It is a life dedicated solely “I was a centerfielder and a lot of people ing out of I-AA is almost like a strike against Senior Katarina Zoricic, junior tendance with a legitimate shot at an NFL to the goal of earning a spot on an NFL tell me now I could have been drafted as a you in the minds of NFL scouts because Ragini Acharya and freshman career. roster this fall, a goal which currently baseball player,” Cox said. “But when my it’s a lower level of competition. They like Katie Kargl registered singles Even more crucial to the senior’s pro- trumps all else. brother got a football scholarship it moti- to see you play against higher competition victories for the College. The fessional aspirations is his place among “It’s my whole life. I’m on the same vated me.” and do well in those games.” 38th ranked doubles team of the hardest working. For the entire schedule every day,” Cox said. “I treat When it became time for the high Which, to a limited extent, is what the Zoricic and Acharya collected an 8-0 win to better their record to spring semester, after the punishing myself every now and then, but if I treat schooler to think about his own collegiate College has provided Cox for the past 11-8. In singles, senior Klaudyna grind of the fall football season came myself it’s getting in the hot tub. I’m in a future, he had his heart firmly set on fol- Kasztelaniec dropped the final to a close, Cox has made the 45-minute phase right now where I’ve got to always lowing his older sibling to ECU. See COX page 7 match of the day in three sets, al- lowing the Rams to seal the win. men’s gymnastics track and field Baird sets discus record at Fred Hardy Invitational College takes national title Freshman Natalie Baird set the school record in the discus Tribe earns six individual All-Ameican honors at USAGs throw at the Fred Hardy Invi- By CHRIS WEIDMAN James Prim said. “It was the best I have ever seen tational Saturday with a mark Flat Hat Sports Editor us come together as a team in terms of consis- of 46.55m. Baird’s toss quali- tency.” fied her for the ECAC Outdoor Championships held later this Trailing by one point heading into the final Head Coach Cliff Gauthier expressed similar season. Meanwhile, Brandon rotation, the no. 12 College of William and Mary sentiments following the victory. Heroux set the freshman record men’s gymnastics team recognized that a clean “It was exciting, particularly with the home in the javelin throw with a dis- performance on its final event, the vault, would crowd,” Gauthier said. “The guys were hitting tance of 67.36m, qualifying him clinch the Tribe its eighth USA Gymnastics Col- left and right. We couldn’t have done much better for the USAT&F Junior National legiate Championship in nine seasons. than this. Everybody has been hitting at a tremen- Championships, the NCAA Re- Six gymnasts later, the championship was dously high hit percentage this season. This was gional Championships and the sealed. Capping off an impressive performance, the culmination.” IC4A Outdoor Championships. the Tribe’s total of 337.15 points bettered seven After a clean third rotation on high bar, the This is the second time Heroux other teams. Last year’s champion, the Naval Tribe moved to pommel horse, where senior Rich- has qualified for these events Academy, finished in second place with a score of ard Pearson wowed the crowd with an impressive this season. 333.75. Not a single College gymnast fell during routine, which allowed him to lead the College the meet at Kaplan Arena Friday. with a score of 14.45 in the event. — By Jack Lambert “I have been on the team for four years, and as John quinn — the flat hat a senior I think we performed at our top today,” See GYMNASTICS page 7 Senior James Prim earned 3 All-American honors Saturday.

Sc h e d u l e lacrosse Tues., March 31 Women’s golf Tribe pulls even late before falling to Penn State @ Hoya Invitational — Beallsville, Md. Grace Golden and Claire Dennis lead College despite 14-12 loss baseball RICHMOND — 5 p.m. By JAMISON SHABANOWITZ Senior midfielder Clare Dennis and to move the ball and generate an oppor- Wed., April 1 Flat Hat Associate Sports Editor sophomore midfielder Grace Golden tunity to score. scored two goals each in the first half. “[Penn State] wanted it more,” Half- baseball With the College of William and All four were unassisted and resulting penny said. “They had sharp team play @ Richmond — Richmond,Va. Mary’s (4-5) normal home at AlbertDaly from outstanding individual moves used while we had sharp individual play.” Men’s Tennis Field flooded Saturday, the Tribe’s after- to reach scoring position. The second half gave new life to the VCU — 4 p.m. noon contest against no. 15 Penn State Despite holding advantages over Tribe, as the Nittany Lions continued Fri., April 3 University (5-4) was moved to Busch Penn State in shots (28-24), ground to struggle with turnovers. With the Turf Field. With the speed of play at an balls (24-18) and turnovers (12-22), the team finally beginning to move the ball Men’s Golf all-time high on the green carpet, mo- Tribe’s actual offensive output failed to around, the three-goal deficit was even- @ Marshall Invitational — mentum built from the opening face-off, live up to its statistical advantage. After tually erased. The effort was capped by Huntington, W.V. shifting between the two sides before Golden tallied the second of her three a thrilling two-on-one breakaway when track and field the Nittany Lions eventually outlasted goals at 20:45 in the first half, the visi- senior attacker Julia Martin tore up the COLONIAL RELAYS — 11 a.m. the Tribe 14-12. tors went on a five-goal rally that gave field with sophomore attacker Ashley baseball The College got off to a quick first them a commanding 7-4 lead at the half. Holofcener flanked wide on her left.

@ Northeastern — Boston, caitlin fairchild — the flat hat half start, opening up an early 4-2 lead The lead came despite emphatic orders Mass. Sophomore Ashley Holofcener within the first ten minutes. from Head Coach Christine Halfpenny See LACROSSE page 7 The News and Sexual Services from Swem LibraryThrone at the College of William & Mary - April Fools It’s the Sex Issue! You’ll notice something different about this issue of The Throne. First, we’re huge. Throbbingly huge. And that’s because it’s springtime and we’re stripping off our bookish preten- sions and phrenic intellects and researching the seedy underbelly of our overeducated, pedantic impulses! We at The Throne have realized that in past issues we’ve disregarded a critically underrepresented reader- ship: the fornicating masses who, while seeking quickies in our esteemed restrooms, have also peeked at our award-winning newsletter. So enjoy the read as we pore the depths of Swem’s multidinous textual orifices!

Blumpkin picking ... We love a contest! Identify the stately, plump author of the passage below. If you guess Ah, the Blumpkin, the sexual activity of choice correctly you can win a romantic night for two in among Swem’s bibliosophs! a third-floor study lounge on June 16. Do what you Ever wonder, though, the ori- will, just keep the noise down! Yes you will Yes. gin of that tasty word? If you’re interested, check the Oxford My love for you allows me to pray to the English Dictionary on Swem’s spirit of eternal beauty and tenderness online database! The OED is mirrored in your eyes or to fling you down the best source for discover- under me on that soft belly of yours and fuck ing the meanings and origins you up behind, like a hog riding a sow, of all your sexual and textual glorying in the very stink and sweat that rises deviances. ‘Blumpkin,’ it turns from your arse, glorying in the open shame out, is actually derived from an of your upturned dress and white girlish 11th century oral Norse tale drawers and in the confusion of your in which Odin the Wanderer flushed cheeks and tangled hair. (pictured at right) wanders unwittingly into a baðask -- Norse for bathroom -- and, during the expulsion of his most foul excrement, receives a most holy bout of fellatio from Gefjun, the god- Size DOES matter dess of giving. In the midst of their malodorous Don’t worry, gents, if you feel a little small in the locker room. A simple inquiry on Swem’s multi-search database reveals that tryst, another goddess, Iðunn, interrupts the there are 398 scientific articles about penis size. And if you ul- two, causing Odin to yell in relieved, ecstatic be- timately come up short, check out “A pilot phase-II prospective wilderment: ‘blundra!’ (shut your eyes!). Transla- study to test the ‘efficacy’ and tolerability of a penile-extender tions and derivations thereof have since formed device in the treatment of ‘short penis’” in the March 2009 is- ‘blumpkin!’ sue of the British Journal of Urology (BJU), which found that Editor’s Note: The blumpkin is a great way “penile extenders should be regarded as a minimally invasive to get dome while reading The Throne! and effective treatment option to elongate the penile shaft in patients seeking treatment for a short penis.” Our Media Center is well endowed

Did you know? all the porno classics, like “Bow- The Swem Media Center can chicka-bow-wow” and the theme help you with any projects you song to “Deep Throat.” have, from low-budget snuff films And of course for the high- to full-length pornographic ep- est production quality possible, ics like “Pirates XXX,” which was consider using the many props produced right in the basement of available from the Media Center, Swem! including the Acuvibe HW426 You can start using the Media Human Touch Cordless Vibrator Center from the first night of film- Magic Wand, the Zipper Whipper ing. Catch the perfect moan with 9000 (with plastic pain barbs), and a Marantz PMD660 Portable Solid the MANual Brand Turbo Stroker State Recorder and an Alesis IO-26 6EPM395. Firewall Audio Interface. And light The Media Center can support a up an erect nipple just right with a wide range of projects. So stop on “Rosebud” 3 Head Floodlight Kit. by! Our film editing software can Please note that bodily fluids are seamlessly switch from the softest not permitted on equipment checked kiss to pure unadulterated bond- out of the Media Center, and you will age. And Soundtrack Pro carries be charged heftily for cleanup costs. The FaT Street Journal www.fatstreetjournal.com April Fool’s 2009 The “Lost” Issue Sayid’s Guide to Torture The softer side to Ben Linus Are you a Kate or a Juliet?

>> STYLE IN WORDSBRIEF Reveley unviels Magnum, saves Malaysian Prime Minister BEST OF’S William and Mary President W. Taylor Reveley III last month saved the Prime A Random Assortment of Five Best Things Minister of Malaysia from an attacking su-

>> ISABEL, THE SHERIFF permodel last month by unveiling his latest Five Best abbreves Five Best Types of Spinach “look”: Magnum. Reveley was noted in the academic community for “looks” like Le Tigre, Ferarri and, of Presh Regular course, Blue Steel. Reveley used his super duper new “look” to deflect several throwing stars from the prime minister. In ap- Pot Sal Baby preciation the College will build The Taylor Reveley Center For Kids Who Can’t Read Good and Who Wanna Learn to Do N.G.L. Creamed Other Stuff Good Too.

Totes magoats Giant Quizno’s admits Sammies are terrible Judes Knudes New Zealand Dining hall officials vowed Monday to remove the unpopu- lar sandwich replica “Sammies” from the menu of the cam- Five Best ways to get your boy- Five Best non-gender pus Quizno’s. “Nobody likes these things,” said an employee. friend or girlfriend to break up specific fake names “They’re like three bites. Does that sound like a sandwich to with you without having you?” The dining establishment vowed to retain all other as- Jamie Shabano pects of their menu, pledging to maintain their tradition of pro- to do it yourself viding toasty subs topped with meat cooked in a cup. Wear a jean jacket (a.k.a. a Taylor Reveley jejacket) Powell censors basketball halftime show entertainment When Nutrisystem commercials come on TV, say: “you know, that might be something College Board of Visitors Rector Michael Powell stormed the you want to consider.” OR court at Kaplan Arena last Saturday during a halftime perfor- ? mance by the Tribal Dancers during the men’s basketball team’s Make excessive amount of puns on his/her name 39-36 loss to Georgia State University. Powell, deeming the dance group’s performance of the Kelly Clarkson song “My Life Suggest going to Friendly’s for a romantic night out Andrea Bargnani Would Suck Without You” to be too sexually stimulating for the largely older, male-dominated crowd in attendance, pulled the Cancel a date with your significant oth- Terry Chesterman metaphorical plug on the dancers just seconds into their routine. er, claiming your need to go home and “They were a little hippy in their gyrations,” Powell said. “You watch “Two and a Half Men” Wall-E allow that kind of stuff to go on, and pretty soon they’ll be tak- ing their tops off and playing grab-ass up there.”

>> POLITICS

Here at The FaT Street Journal, we elect to stay out of campus poli- tics. So in lieu of coverage, we’re providing you with a fun and infor- your Own Adventure mative “Choose Your Own Adventure” SA elections game. Enjoy! Choose>> VINCENT, MAN’S BEST FRIEND Being the coward that you are, you are booking it the fuck out START It’s the night of the Student Assembly elections at 3. You arrive at the Daily Grind. After you order a scone and a mocha chai frappe, 6. the College of William and Mary. You couldn’t care you begin looking for Matt. You navigate past two scenesters arguing over of New Town. Unfortunately, you soon find yourself surrounded less, however. After all, campus politics are stupid – you didn’t whether the new Decembrists album is in fact transcendent or translucent, and find by a gang of middle school-aged Pacsun-wearing skateboarders. You even bother to vote today. Instead you are relaxing in your Matt sitting in the corner. He thanks you for coming, and says there’s little time to have no choice but to sit down cross-legged as the gang members cir- red Adidas track suit, enjoying a tub of Edy’s Slow-Churned waste. cle around you, hoping that they will soon leave. FAILED. PLEASE French Vanilla ice cream and watching “Scrubs” reruns on He asks you to follow up on a clue he just received. It’s a note that reads: “There GO BACK AND TRY AGAIN. OR YOU COULD TRY GETTING TV. is evidence on the election violations at the best Williamsburg ice cream place that A LIFE. All of a sudden, your phone rings. It’s your good friend mashes up its ice cream and toppings on a stone.” You know there are only two op- Matt Beato, Chairman of the Elections Commission. The elec- tions. The solution is simple. Fill the 5-gallon jug all the way to the top. 7. tion has been compromised, he says. He needs help sorting To go to the New Town Maggie Moo’s, jump to section 4 Then pour it out into the 3-gallon jug, leaving 2 gallons in the out the corruption, and he needs someone he can trust, an SA To go to Cold Stone, jump to section 5. 5-gallon jug. Pour out the 3-gallon jug, then pour the 2 gallons from outsider. He needs YOU. You don’t know about this. But, you the 5-gallon jug into the 3-gallon jug. Then, As soon as you arrive at New Town, you know decide, Matt is your BFF and if he wants help, you should be 4. 5. Why the hell would fill up the 5-gallon jug all the way to the top. there for him. He asks you to meet with him in a public place something is up. Then, a hooded figure bumps you EVER go to Cold Then pour that into the 3-gallon jug, which of your choosing. Where should you decide to meet? into you and slips you a note. You turn to see who Stone? They charge an extra had only 2 gallons in it, with 1 gallon of space, To meet in the rec center, jump to section 2. the mystery person is, but it has already gone. The three and a half bucks just for meaning that now the 5-gallon jug has exactly To meet in the Daily Grind, jump to section 3. note tells you not to go to Maggie Moo’s, and instead smashing up your ice cream 4 gallons! search for a clue around the center fountain in front with some chocolate chips. You put the jug on the briefcase/bomb, of the movie theater. You arrive at the rec center. Your finger scan does not And don’t even get me start- and the song “Dirty Little Secret” by the All 2. You get there, and find two jugs, a 3-gallon jug work upon entry. You try again. Still doesn’t work. ed on the damn sizes system American Rejects plays. It turns out that the and a 5-gallon jug. There is also a briefcase. Upon Something is terribly wrong. Oh wait, it worked on the they’ve got over there. Like briefcase was not a bomb after all, but actu- opening it, you find out that it’s a recently activated third try. Piece of shit machine. it. Love it. Gotta Have it. ally had the evidence Beato needs to crack the bomb that can only be diffused by placing a jug with You start searching for Matt. All of a sudden, you hear I’d rather have my dignity, case. Just at that moment, Matt drives up in a exactly 4 gallons in it over the top of it. This is the ex- a man scream. Your first instinct is that it must be a law thank you very much. Your turquoise mini Cooper. You hand him the evi- act plot of the film “Die Hard 3: With a Vengeance.” school student getting his swell on. Unfortunately, this adventure is over, asshole. dence, and he thanks you. You have saved the What do you do, hot shot? What do you do? isn’t the case. It’s Matt who is screaming, as an entourage FAILED. PLEASE GO Student Assembly from corruption. To flee and save yourself, jump to section 6. of individuals in black sweatsuits and ski masks pummel BACK AND TRY AGAIN! To do what Bruce Willis and Samuel L. Jackson him with raquetballs. There’s nothing you can do. You THIS IS WHAT YOU GET did in Die Hard 3 (trust me, it’ll all work out), jump CONGRATULATIONS! leave. FAILED. PLEASE GO BACK AND TRY AGAIN, FOR GOING TO COLD to section 7. IDIOT. STONE!!!1 YOU WIN!