------prototype ------The Munsters (1964), Season 1, Episode 2: My Fair Munster.
EXT. OUTSIDE MUNSTER RESIDENCE - NIGHT THUNDER CRASHES & WOLF HOWLS in blustery conditions as car stops before creepy old house. Inside car are MARILYN Munster (27) & her date JACK (20s). MARILYN Thanks, Jack. I’ve had a wonderful evening. JACK (leerily re: house) This is where you live? MARILYN Yep, this is it. Come on in and have a cup of coffee? I want you to meet my aunt and uncle. JACK Well, I, uh, I guess I could walk you to the front door. Jack comes around car & opens door for Marilyn. She leads him through creepy iron gate, up weedy path w/ rolling tumbleweeds, up stairs to front door. MARILYN Sure you won’t change your mind and come in?
JACK (whispering) I don't think so. It’s pretty late. Marilyn checks her purse, fails to find house keys. JACK (whispering) What’s the matter? Lose your keys? MARILYN No. I probably just left them in my other purse. JACK (whispering) Oh. 2.
MARILYN (whispering) Why are you whispering? JACK (whispering re: door) I don’t want to wake your folks. MARILYN Oh, don’t worry about them. They’re always up all night. Marilyn uses door knocker to comically loud ECHOING KNOCK 3 TIMES. Int. house, PORTENTOUS LOUD FOOTSTEPS APPROACH. MARILYN Someone’s coming.
Front door CREAKS open to reveal HERMAN Munster (38, 7' tall & modeled after Boris Karloff’s Frankenstein’s monster) with deadpan expression; beat; he breaks into disarming grin. HERMAN Hello, Marilyn. MARILYN Hi, Uncle Herman. Marilyn bestows a niece’s kiss on Herman’s Cheek. MARILYN Uncle Herman, I’d like to have you meet my date. This is-- --Jack scrambles down path, vaults over gate pillar, dives into car’s open passenger window & car SCREECHES AWAY.
Marilyn watches Jack’s car depart w/ Not Again expression. MARILYN Oh, Uncle Herman. What’s the matter with me, anyway? Marilyn takes comforting hug from clueless Herman.
EXT. OUTSIDE ADDAMS RESIDENCE - DAY POSTMAN approaches mailbox, selects letters from a handful of mail, turns to put rest back into mail sack. THING (disembodied hand) juts from mailbox, snatches mail out of postman’s hand; startled postman walks on. Sam HILLIARD (63, man) comes up sidewalk along overgrown iron fence; he pauses, parts shrubbery to reveal sign reading: BEWARE OF THE THING. The postman approaches. HILLIARD Is this where the Addams family lives? POSTMAN Yeah. You going in there? HILLIARD I’m the truant officer. They’ve got two kids who have never set foot in school. Hilliard walks on; postman gives him a knowing: POSTMAN Good luck, Charlie. Hilliard reaches for gate latch; it CLANKS open by itself; bemused Hilliard enters, gate LATCHES itself shut behind him; he trips over weeds as he heads up path toward house. At front door, Hilliard nonchalantly pulls on comically long bell-pull; it retracts w/ a SPROING, yanking Hilliard forward into doorjamb; a COMICAL FOGHORN sounds.
The front door CREAKS ominously open; no one there. Hilliard’s searching gaze drops to spy: WEDNESDAY (6, tiny & cute but somber) innocently gazing up. [NB: all Addams characters generally resemble & are costumed after Charles Addams’s cartoons] WEDNESDAY Hello. HILLIARD Hello. You must be one of the Addams children. WEDNESDAY I’m Wednesday. 4.
HILLIARD And I’m Mr. Hilliard. Are your parents at home? WEDNESDAY They’re always at home. HILLIARD I’d like to see them. WEDNESDAY You mean you wanna come in? HILLIARD If you don’t mind. Wednesday shrugs, leads Hilliard inside.
INT. ENTRYWAY & LIVING ROOM - ADDAMS RESIDENCE - DAY Wednesday steps down short staircase, avoiding polar-bear rug laid on risers; Hilliard treads on rug & it ROARS; Hilliard jumps aside off rug. Hilliard’s startlement as he spies above: a man’s leg jutting from maw of a mounted swordfish head; he steps away back onto rug; ROAR & he jumps off step. Wednesday takes Hilliard by hand, leads him on tour of room filled with weird oddments: a stuffed grizzly bear; grindstone & stool; pair of live ravens in huge birdcage. HILLIARD Nice place you’ve got here, Wednesday.
WEDNESDAY We like it. It’s so nice and gloomy. Hilliard stares bemused at: mounted moose head w/ comically skewed antlers. They stop before a neoclassical painting of a giraffe in 17th Century gentleman’s clothing. HILLIARD Who’s that? WEDNESDAY That used to be a friend of my daddy’s. They continue tour; Hilliard stares at: a bell-pull fashioned as hangman’s noose; a huge two-headed tortoise. 5.
PUGSLEY (9, cheery) excitedly descends central staircase. PUGSLEY Wednesday! Wednesday! Pugsley hands Wednesday a headless doll with: PUGSLEY Here. I fixed it for you. WEDNESDAY Pugsley is very handy. HILLIARD Fixed it? That doll doesn’t have a head.
WEDNESDAY It’s Marie Antoinette. Grandmama told us about the French Revolution, and Pugsley chopped off her head. (w/ throat-slitting motion) kr-r-r-t! Hilliard flinches. PUGSLEY Meet you out in the cemetery. Pugsley runs off. Wednesday leads Hilliard away with: WEDNESDAY Mommy is in the conservatory. Hilliard’s eyes bug at comical statue: samurai with threatening fist poised over a cute mounted songbird.
INT. CONSERVATORY - ADDAMS RESIDENCE - DAY MORTICIA (34, alluring) puttering with greenery halts before a SQUEAKING bat in gilded cage; she makes fond kisses & gestures at bat. Wednesday leads Hilliard inside; as he looks around distracted, a long, spiny vine animates w/ EERIE THRUMMING, wraps itself tightly round his neck. At Hilliard’s audible distress, Morticia turns, astonished then pleased. MORTICIA Why, you perked up my African strangler. (MORE) 6.
MORTICIA (cont’d) (unwrapping vine) Come here, darling. WEDNESDAY Mommy, this is Mr. Hilliard. Morticia strokes the vine like a pet as: MORTICIA How do you do, Mr. Hilliard. HILLIARD Er, Mrs. Addams, I was sent here-- MORTICIA My hemlock has been very listless lately. Do you know anything about hemlock? HILLIARD No, Mrs. Addams. I was sent here to-- MORTICIA Oh, what a pity. WEDNESDAY I think I’ll run along and bury Marie Antoinette. MORTICIA Have fun, dear. Wednesday runs off as Morticia re: potted plant. WEDNESDAY Just look at my beautiful poison oak. Every leaf so alive. Morticia thrusts the plant into Hilliard’s face. HILLIARD Mrs. Addams, your children are six and eight years old-- MORTICIA --And growing like toadstools. My hemlock continues to droop. HILLIARD They’ve got to attend school. It’s the law. 7.
MORTICIA Oh, I’d love to discuss that with you, Mr. Hilliard, but you see, I can’t. You must speak to my husband. The law is his responsibility. Morticia pulls a noose bell-pull; a camera-shaking BONG startles Hilliard. HILLIARD That’s quite a bell. MORTICIA Yes, Gomez is very fond of it. But we can never use it when we have a cake in the oven.
A shadow on Hilliard’s shoulder; a huge hand THUMPS onto it; Hilliard turns leerily, looks up startled to see LURCH (32, 6'9", a bit cadaverous) peering calmly down at him. HILLIARD Oh, h-hello, Mr. Addams. I didn’t hear you come in. MORTICIA Lurch is our butler. He will take you to Mr. Addams. HILLIARD Couldn’t I just stay here? I’m sure you and I can settle this matter. Lurch THUMPS his hand onto Hilliard’s shoulder.
HILLIARD On the other hand, perhaps it would be better to see Mr. Addams. LURCH (in basso profundo) Follow me. Hilliard reluctantly follows Lurch from conservatory. MORTICIA My poor little hemlock. Where have I failed you? I know! You haven’t been getting enough moonlight.