That’s a lot of chowdah!

0054 MAXIM JANUARYJANUARY 20122012 $ The MAXIMMAXIM MONEYMONEY CHALLENGECHALLENGE with THE BRUINS

by EDITH ZIMMERMAN photographs by COLBY KATZ LEAVE THE PUCK, TAKE THE

TheCANNOLI Bruins are theStanley Cup champs, bringing the title to Beantown for the first time in decades. So how didDENNIS SEIDENBERG and MILAN LUCIC spend Maxim’s cash? You may be surprised. (We were.)

t’s a sunny autumn day in Boston, and Milan Lucic lion fans to celebrate Boston’s first victory in 39 and Dennis Seidenberg of the Bruins are wearing years, an achievement that effectively regained the city’s affec- children’s-size life jackets while floating on an tions after a decade of Sawx-Celts-and-Pats dominance. amphibious vehicle driven by a man in novelty cuff So let’s say you’re a handsome young hockey player who links and making history jokes. “On the Mayflower just brought your city the championship for the first time in my grandfather starts doing his act, and the Pilgrims nearly four decades, and someone puts $848 in the palm of hate it,” cracks our , Fluffy Ruffles. “They your hand. What do you spend it on? Booze? Girls? Exotic pets? throw fruit at the man; he keeps performing. They If you’re Milan Lucic and Dennis Seidenberg, generous and keep throwing fruit; finally, they run out of fruit. I guess the lovely gentlemen both, you choose none of the above. Our Ijoke was on them when they all got…scurvy. Too soon?” first stop: Mike’s Pastry in Boston’s North End. IThe hockey players grin and shake their heads. Did they lose It’s 2 p.m. when Milan and Dennis stroll into the shop. At a bet? No, this is actually how they’ve chosen to spend the $848 6'4", 220 pounds, Milan is a charming and hulking 23-year- we’ve given them to blow however they see fit. This is the last old winger. Dennis is a slightly smaller, milder-mannered, stop on a journey that did not go anything like we expected. German-born 30-year-old defenseman with an awesome tan, Weirdly, this isn’t the first time the pair have taken in the a light accent, two daughters, and two dogs. He looks like an sights of Boston from the questionable comfort of Bean- actor, but I can’t put my finger on it. It’ll come to me. town’s famous duck boats: It was just two and a half months The scene at Mike’s Pastry: packed, insane. Dress code: ago that Milan and Dennis, along with the rest of the Bruins, Red Sox and Celtics apparel. Not a Bruins jersey/hat/baby tee cruised in them through the city in front of an estimated mil- in sight. (Yet.) On that note: When asked what the hockey

JANUARY 2012 MAXIM 55 “I GUESS A LOT OF DISEASES GOT PASSED ALONG,” $ SAYS SEIDENBERG OF HIS TIME WITH THE CUP.

“What’s in the box? What’s in the box?!?”

Beats the crap out of the ORDER box. $164.50 46 cannoli $40.00 fans in Boston are like—the city’s crazed 30 biscotti could go get a beer or something?” I $71.50 baseball, football, and basketball fans are 13 lobster rolls suggest. Milan recommends Monica’s, a alternately beloved and despised—Milan $42.00 nearby wine bar. It’s closed, but it turns 14 ricotta cheese explains that, yes, “The Bruins are one of $24.50 out that when you’re a member of the 14 cookies the Original Six teams, so it is a hockey $24.00 Stanley Cup–winning Boston Bruins and town here. But you know there’s been a 12 cupcakes you want a drink at your favorite local $38.50 lot of disappointment here for a while, 11 eclairs bar, things like business hours don’t $20.50 and then in the past four years we made 16 macaroons matter. One knock on the door and we’re a transition to being a playoff team, a $22.50 soon sitting in the lush and sunny back 5 strawberry shortcake Stanley Cup contender, so even before $400.00 room with the owners, their wives, and we won the Cup, the fans were starting to 1 duck boat tour their fleet of children. The guys ask for come back and cheer for us again and be $848 and drink Peronis, all of which are on the die-hard Bruins fans again.” Which isn’t Total house. (So no dent in the Maxim budget.) the most modest statement, but it isn’t “You look just like the Transporter,” Thank you for your order! entirely untrue either: Over the past 15- MAXIM one of the bar’s co-owners says to odd years, die-hard hockey fans were far Dennis. YES! It’s like loosening a piece outnumbered by their Red Sox, Patriots, of food stuck between your teeth—that’s and Celtics counterparts, but since the team has been playoff- who he looks like! Yes. “Yeah, everyone says that,” Dennis says friendly, a lot of glory-loving fair-weather fans kind of sheepishly. Is that why we got the free drinks? Does have gotten hooked. the barkeep think he’s serving Jason Statham? And with the NBA nowhere in sight, the Red Sox’ After tossing back a few beers, the guys are ready for some- EDC (epic, devastating collapse), and the Patriots’ six-year title thing stronger. Jaeger bombs, perhaps? Tequila shots? drought (and the unforgettably sour taste of almost-perfect Well, no, instead of sticking around for another drink, we 2008), the Bruins couldn’t have timed their comeback better. go get smoothies. I ask them what they did with the Stanley Before anyone at Mike’s Pastry realizes what’s going on, Cup when it was their turn to hang out with it. “My cup day?” and with no announcement, Milan and Dennis are behind Dennis asks, then explains that he took it to Atlantic City, the counter doing their best Italian grandma impersonations, where his wife is from, and that they partied there with his buying treats and passing them out to the masses. Take, eat! teammates from his first team in Germany. Did he drink from It’s an adorable disaster: They don’t know where anything is, it? “Oh, yeah. The guy who helped me out at Caesars, he had they don’t know who to serve next, and they can’t fold the some kind of special old champagne. He put it in there, and cardboard pastry boxes. “I’d like a lobster tail [pastry] and everybody got to drink out of it. But one guy, my buddy, he something fun for my daughter,” a female customer says to drank out of it and a leg of the table broke, and he spilled a lot Dennis. “I don’t know, something…pink?” he suggests, care- of the precious champagne.” Are you supposed to clean the fully picking up a pink cookie thing. cup before you pass it along to the next person, or does some- After about a half-hour, the first guy in Bruins gear arrives— one do that for you? “I think there was a guy…I’m not sure. I a teen in a Brad “Nose Face Killah” Marchand T-shirt. “Hi,” he guess a lot of diseases got passed along,” he deadpans. says, “and congrats. Can I get five chocolate chip cannoli?” For his part, Milan took the Cup to the Serbian Cultural It takes about a half-hour to burn through $424 worth of Center, “then I took it on a boat cruise around , my baked goods, leaving an hour to kill before the boat ride. “We hometown.” Did you drink from it? “My family, we’re Serbian,

56 MAXIM JANUARY 2012 “Thanks for coming. Don’t forget to cross- check your driver.”

and in my house we drank slivo­vitz—a guide-slash-historical comedian, Fluffy plum brandy—and we drank it out of Ruffles, a thirtysomething in a pale the cup, which was pretty cool.” Did blue suit, ruffled tuxedo shirt, and anyone eat from it? “Brad Marchand ate yellow duck cuff links. “Hi, everybody, a whole box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch welcome to the Mayflower. Sorry for the out of it.” Did he have a giant spoon? rough seas. Couple of jokes to cheer you “He had a giant spoon.” up: What side of a duck has the most Then we walk several blocks to our feathers?” Silence. “The outside!” He private duck boat, where there’s a small The new NHL hits a cymbal above the steering wheel. crowd of people with special invitations safety equipment “Thank you, thank you.” gathered—about 20 or so of us, includ- is a bit much. We cruise around Boston, driving ing a bunch of little kids, some parents, slowly into the Charles River. When some giddy tweens in braces, and an older newlywed couple we pass the TD Garden (neé the ) and Fluffy Ruffles decked out in head-to-toe Stanley Cup/Bruins gear. Sort of an notes that it’s the home of the Stanley Cup champion Bruins, odd but sweet group. Lucic stands up and takes the mike at the everyone cheers, and Milan and Dennis beam. We then pass a front of the boat: “Can you hear me?” “Yeah!” “Thank you, every- cluster of Canada geese, and Fluffy makes a series of off-the-cuff one, for coming on our random duck boat tour of Boston, from jokes about Canada, birds, and hockey. They don’t go over too myself, Milan Lucic, and Dennis Seidenberg of the Boston Bruins.” well. “These guys,” he murmurs, “are going to kick my ass.” They “Yeeahhh!” “Let’s go! Bos-ton!” may have spent our dough on pastry and tourism, but they are After his intro Milan hands the mike back to our tour hockey players, after all. Big ones. It’s possible he has a point.

STANLEY CUP CRAZINESS Every team member on every championship squad gets a day with the Stanley Cup. Sometimes things go wrong. Oops!

1905 Following a night on 1940 After using the Cup to 1987 Legendary 1996 Colorado 2008 The Red Wings’ the town with the Cup, set fire to the mortgage to center Avalanche defenseman Kris Draper put his baby members of the Ottawa , takes the Sylvain Lefebvre has his daughter in the Cup and… Silver Seven decide to punt members of the Rangers Cup to a local strip club, daughter Jade-Isis baptized “She pooped. I still drank the cup across the Rideau extinguish the fire…by where it gets a lap dance. in the Stanley Cup. (OK, that out of it that night, so no Canal. It doesn’t make it. peeing on it. No touching! one is kind of sweet.) worries.” Yum!

JANUARY 2012 MAXIM 57