AILY BUL The Daily Bull is probably not suitable for those under age 18 and should not be taken seriously... like the first days of class! L DWednesday, September 2, 2009 What I look forward to is Dear Everyone The Steaming Pile continued immaturity followed By Nathan “Invincible” Miller ~ Daily Bull Stright from You-Know-Where! by death. ~Dave Barry Hey! How was your first day of classes? got a new ultra high fast racecar vroom Things We Shouldn’t Have Brought To Tech Or the second? Probably not as great speed printer, money to burn on a new Nukes Clothes Slight Changes as the third. You know why? Look what computer that can run multiple programs Hover-round chair Harry Potter you’re reading! It’s a Daily Bull! Woohoo, simultaneously, and a million other things By Jeremy ‘Mr. Sunshine’ Used condoms The Snuggie Loucks ~ Daily Bull we’re back! Joy to the world and all the I can’t think up right now but are no less Live chickens The Game (I lost) As many of you have prob- little critters that run around getting eaten spectacular and glourious. Yes, the Bull Boa constrictor Standards ably noticed by now, Tech is upon it. Mmmm steak. may be on the edge of a renaissance and Waldo Swimsuit a wee bit changed after the the open road of unlimited opportuni - summer. The Walker lawn Totally though, who’d have guessed we’d ties. For the sake of us all, I’ll keep the rest Dead babies Shorts shrank to a shell of its former limp through another year? I admit, I gave of my uplifting metaphors to myself. High School Girlfriend An urge to shop glory, much like the Colorado us a little hope last year NMU T-shirt A taste for foreign food Avalanche. Lot 4 (the one when more than Now’s the time for you Pet rock Expectation of warm weather behind McNair for those of 5 people showed up folks to step up. Anyone Cyanide Your city friends you who never made it up to our meetings, but can write, draw com- Wood chipper Any music aside from country the hill) is being destroyed printing an O-Week issue ics, make pictures, or Furby Hope for meeting women worse than your childhood AND printing during the construct jokes that are Chuck Norris Barack Obama with a Simba/Nala Rule 34. first week of classes? absolutely worthy of Carmen Sandiego Sarah Palin Now where are they going We haven’t been that being printed on these Litter Box Baby Seals... or clubs to light off bottle rockets in cool since, well, hallowed pages, Backstreet Boys CDs G-string the middle of the night? The say since none of Come join our side, young Padawan. so long as it’s A. Elementary School Diploma Banana Phone You can be a king or queen of satire and wit! DHH Lot has been cut in half, us were here. For- entertaining, B. Meth Virus.exe a feeble attempt to offset the ever, or so. not hating on us, Parents A Hummer slaughter of the Walker lawn and C. can hold my attention for more Herpes Cigarette addiction and appease the Broomball One of the best parts, of course, is that than two seconds. And believe me, with Swine Flu More than one X chromosome gods. The entrance to the there have been exponentially fewer Miller the amount of candy I eat, that can be Textbooks Nazis and their scalps Wads parking lot has also Times/Invinci-Bulls over the last year than in pretty hard. been flipped. And finally, previous years. While that means I don’t there is now a divider strip get my message out in such large quantities But why write? It’s not like you get any- to further separate the dorms (*tear*), it does mean we have more writ- thing out of it. Wrong my friend, the times, from the campus. ers trying their darndest to put on a good they are a-changin’. We’re on the verge show. I’d give them a round of applause, of getting shirts that will be available for Now, these changes could all but I’m too busy wiping my eyes because members (and paying customers if you’re be easily rationalized as being I’m so proud of them. interested), and the newly implemented ridiculous things like making Daily Bull Incentive Program. the crossing safer (pu-leee- Times are good here at the Bull. We’ve ...see Welcome! on back ase), more housing (like the Best Western wasn’t totally Different-shoe Wednesdays: you have two different awesome, with a free pool!), feet, why not try two different shoes? ...see Ch-ch-changes! on back ...Welcome! from front ...Ch-ch-changes! from front Not sure how it works? Neither are and beautifying the campus. But this Sunshine’s Searcher reporter dug deep into the bowels of we, really. You write a bunch of stuff, Brought to you by send it in, get published, and in return the Administration’s evil plot and un- Jeremy ‘Mr. Sunshine’ Loucks for your services you get a neat prize. covered the real reason behind all the Chances are it’ll be something useful, like construction. Popular Comic Strips a little slice of plastic with numbers on ALLEY OOP FRAZZ it that you can trade for things that may So at first, these things seem to make ARLO AND JANIS GARFIELD or may not be useful to you. The more campus better. More green space, BIG NATE GET FUZZY you write the more numbers you’ll win, safer walkways, etc. But what did they BLONDIE HEATHCLIFF so get crackin’! There’s no time to lose! get rid of? THE TREES. That’s right. BOB AND HERMAN All the majestic trees that lined 41, all GEORGE JUMP START We’ve also got an email list to get the Bull gone. Used for vile experiments up BOONDOCKS KIT N CARLYLE electronically every single day we print, at the forestry building no doubt, try- BORN LOSER MARMADUKE rain or shine, class or not. Never miss a ing to create a wooden Frankentree. CAD day because the janitors or our critics It’ll look harmless enough at first, but MARY WORTH CATHY got to the issues first. Sometimes there’ll it’ll devour any CS major that walks by PEANUTS even be bonus material or contests, so if even thinking about talking to a girl, CYANIDE AND PENNY ARCADE you’re interested in joining send an email thus helping to confine them to their HAPPINESS PRINCE VALIANT to [email protected] to sign up. rooms and be productive. See, the DILBERT SPEED BUMP university would rather have produc- DOONESBURY THE FAR SIDE Still think we’re something? We’ve got tive CS majors than have procreating FAMILY CIRCLE WIZARD OF ID weekly meetings every Wednesday CS majors. I don’t blame them, noting FOXTROT XKCD night in Walker 144, 9:15 PM. numerous case studies of the horrors FRANK AND ERNEST Conversely, if you’re already a Daily Bull of CS majors mating… member and you forgot that you sold your soul over to us, this is your re- However, it’s more than that. The new Now, the latter statement is a bit more them east. Eventually, these students, any higher (MUB, SDC, labs, etc.) be- minder. You cannot escape. Stalkernet apartments behind McNair? Obvi- subtle. Why stop your students from not being able to swim out of the cur- cause the students might riot. Tuition knows where you sleep. ously a ploy to relocate students from swimming in nature’s biggest funland? rent, turn up in places like Northern or is another matter entirely. By lower- the amazing accommodations at the It’s so dubious I almost missed it. They even Lake State, thus diminishing the ing available parking, they can rack up Best Western. Consider this: students don’t want students being caught up money that Tech receives! The truth thousands, possibly millions in parking Daily Bull there last year had access to a pool in the swift Superior current that sends is out now! tickets. This would allow them to fi-

EDITOR-IN-CHIEF/BOSS MAN THE LITTLE COMP whenever they wished. Now, some EDITOR THAT COULD nally build their dream parking garage Nathan “Invincible” Miller Liz Fujita could argue all Tech students have ac- Now, the most evil, insidious plot of next to M&M. FACULTY ARE MYSTERIOUSLY BUSINESS ADVISOR LAGGING GUY cess to the SDC pool. However, they them all hasn’t been addressed. With David TREES Olson MathLab computers Ray Martens would neglect to mention that instead all the construction, parking spots have So insidious, it astounds the mind. Nathan “Invincible” Miller, Tim Kotula, John Earnest, Caitlyn Pierce, Liz Fujita, Jeremy Mr. Sunshine Loucks, Simon Mused, John Pastore, of a short walk down some stairs, it’s a been trimmed from a low number to Deforrest Warren, Ivan Lysenko, Zach Simpson, Brett Jenkins, Madelyn Hilty, Ryan Richards, Matt Villa, Mark Cruth, Mary Kennedy, LONG walk up the hill. By the time folks an abysmally low number. Anyone So as you come back and enjoy all the Kiri Kennedy, Elizabeth Masters, Kayla Herrera, Ray Martens, Mike Lennon, Heather Vingsness, Hylinn Taggart, Benjamin Loucks, Tyler get up there, they are too exhausted who has a car at Tech probably has changes to campus, just remember all Botbyl, Lauren Allen, and the ghost of Billy Mays. to use the pool! This helps cut down gotten a parking ticket, since there the hard work, planning, trickery, and ©2009 by the Daily Bull, a non-profit organization. All rights reserved. Articles may be freely distributed electronically or on late night talk shows provided on the loss of students. credit is given, and that this notice is included. The Daily Bull reserves the right are never enough spots for all the dead Yoopers (36 of them are buried to refuse any advertisements or guest articles without reason. All opinionated letters sent to the editor (on paper or to [email protected]) will be people who don’t feel like walking underneath the new patch of lawn) treated as material to be published unless expressly stated otherwise by the sender. Original works printed in the Daily Bull remain the property of the How you ask? If students don’t swim creator, however the Daily Bull reserves the right to reprint any submissions through the daily blizzards. With even that went into creating it. And if you in future issues unless specifically asked not to do so by the creator. If you keep reading this small text, you’ll go play frisbee on the new DHH field. regularly, they’ll eventually become fewer spots, expect far more tickets get a parking ticket for being in a tree, The Daily Bull would like to thank the Daily Bull for afraid of the water and stop using it to as people, desperate to get to their you know who to blame. buying our own damn *old* printer that this pub- exercise. They’ll even stop swimming exam they almost slept through, park lication is printed on. We would also like to thank Footnote of Doom: the Student Activity Fee for helping to pay for our in Superior! The former is important on sidewalks, curbs, and even in trees This week’s Steaming Pile has been paper and toner costs. because it’ll cut down yet again on CS (since the snow gets that high). brought to you almost entirely by first- Advertising inquiries, questions & majors being in shape, thus making it year students from the O-week info session! Holy shit! Really and truly, no comments should be directed to even more difficult to procreate. Bril- See, Tech WANTS more parking. How- [email protected] one is excluded from our opportunites liant! ever, they’re afraid to raise the fees for GREATNESS- hooray!