Together, Close, Resilient: Essays On Emotion Work Among Black Couples The Harvard community has made this article openly available. Please share how this access benefits you. Your story matters Citation Bickerstaff, Jovonne J. 2015. Together, Close, Resilient: Essays On Emotion Work Among Black Couples. Doctoral dissertation, Harvard University, Graduate School of Arts & Sciences. Citable link http://nrs.harvard.edu/urn-3:HUL.InstRepos:17467493 Terms of Use This article was downloaded from Harvard University’s DASH repository, and is made available under the terms and conditions applicable to Other Posted Material, as set forth at http:// nrs.harvard.edu/urn-3:HUL.InstRepos:dash.current.terms-of- use#LAA Together, Close, Resilient: Essays On Emotion Work Among Black Couples A dissertation presented by Jovonne Juanita Bickerstaff to The Department of Sociology in partial fulfillment of the requirements for the degree of Doctor of Philosophy in the subject of Sociology Harvard University Cambridge, Massachusetts April 2015 © 2015 Jovonne J. Bickerstaff All rights reserved. Dissertation Advisor: Professor Orlando Patterson Jovonne Juanita Bickerstaff Together, Close, Resilient: Essays on Emotion Work Among Black Couples Abstract Emotional intimacy and support are deemed vital to most individuals’ sense of relationship quality and satisfaction. Although relationship outcomes are more closely tied with partners’ sense of emotional well-being in their partnerships, most sociological inquiry focuses on how couples navigate instrumental tasks of family work (e.g. household work, childcare, etc.). Examinations of emotional facets of couple relationship remain rare. This dissertation addresses this dearth by presenting an inductively derived analysis of how black heterosexual spouses in enduring relationships (10-40 years) sustain emotional connection. It draws on 75 semi-structured interviews - with relationship professionals (n=12) and 42 black spouses (21 couples) interviewed jointly and individually (n=63) from New York, Cleveland, and Chicago. Using a sociology of emotion lens, it extends Arlie Hochschild’s conceptual framework of emotion management by examining emotion work along four dimensions. First, challenging gender essentialism in extant research, it examines partners’ desires for, perceptions of and approaches to intimacy going beyond a discussion of gender differences to also shed light on overlap between and variation within gender groups. Secondly, it shows how the co-creation of joint emotion strategies to avoid or confront recurrent interpersonal tensions helped couples solidify a shared sense of couple identity marked by different iii degrees of we-ness. Third, contrary to previous studies suggesting it’s mainly women who do emotion work on themselves to manage dissatisfaction with intimacy, I reveal how both spouses engage in emotion work when connection breaks down. Often, such emotion work often arises due to tensions between the carework of intimacy and pre- existing norms and beliefs around emotional engagement. Finally, probing particularities in black women’s socialization around resilience, I disturb the monolithic portrait of women as intimacy experts in extant research, underlining challenges they face beyond dissatisfaction with male emotionality. By focusing on black couples, the study expands the demographic terrain of qualitative sociological inquiry on emotion work and couple relationships writ large. Finally, by theorizing from the experience of black couples, I disturb trends of taking educated, white, middle class couples as the normative American family, revealing how our conceptualization of emotion work could benefit from better accounting of social positionality. iv TABLE OF CONTENTS PAGE Acknowledgments vii Motivation xix Chapter 1 – Understanding Couples’ Emotion Work 1 Chapter 2 - Cultivating Connection: Introducing the Study 28 Chapter 3 - More than Intimate Strangers – Partners’ Experiences and 54 Perspectives on Closeness Chapter 4 - No Big I’s and Little You’s: Avoidance, Confrontation and the 71 Production of We-ness Chapter 5 - When Things Fall Apart: Emotion Work and the Dilemmas of 93 Strained Intimacy Chapter 6 - Closeness and Cautionary Tales: The Challenge of Resilience 121 Chapter 7 - Conclusion: Connecting the ties that bind 151 Appendix I: Consent Form 165 Appendix II: Interview Schedules A. Joint Interview 167 B. Individual Interview 171 C. Expert Interview 174 Appendix III: Demographic Questionnaire 178 Bibliography 179 v Love is a battle; love is a war; love is a growing up. ~James Baldwin For J.L.B. and B.A. W. vi Front Matter: Acknowledgements Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. ~ Hebrews 11:1-2, KJV There are years that ask questions and years that answer ~Zora Neale Hurston My thanks must begin, just as they do each morning, with God. Almost every doctoral path has some bumps and potholes along the way, still at times, the confluence of family tragedy seemed to mark mine with what felt more like minefields. And yet, for whatever battle-scars I carry, when I look back over this long road, what I remember most is this: the abundance of grace I’ve been granted. At times unrequested and nearly always underserved, so many times when things could have gone otherwise, the Lord never wavered as my mooring, standing firm as a hedge of protection from the vicissitudes of life. How very, very grateful am I for all that I’ve been given… A great thanks to all of the people I interviewed and observed. To all of the relationship professionals who allowed themselves to be placed on the other side of the questioning divide, thinking back over years and decades of experience, distilling it all down to offer insights into love and relationships that I never could have come up with on my own – thank you. Most of all, thank you to all of the couples. Confidentiality considerations prohibit me from naming you, but be clear, this study is because of you. This work would not have been possible with the inordinate amount of graciousness of the men and women who agreed to allow me a window into their lives. When I began, I came to you with the question I had, about what it takes to “make it work” and “to make it last”. Fortunate for me, however, what you came to share, the insights and experiences you detailed did far vii more than respond to what I asked; they anticipated what was at the heart of what I really sought to know, leading me to the questions that anchored this study: How do we make our relationships loving, fulfilling, supportive, intimate? How do we create relationships that are deeply intimate? How do folks create the kind of relationships that you aren’t just unwilling to leave, but that even in the most difficult of times, you would not want to live without? These couples weren't paid – they volunteered their time, and welcomed me in their homes and lives. They sat down with me, sometimes taking hours of their time. I have tried, in this work, to honor the precious treasure with which they entrusted me. I owe special thanks to the support and inordinate amount of my dissertation committee: Orlando Patterson, Mary Brinton, Chris Winship, and (in the final inning) Jason Beckfield. In the midst of less than ideal circumstances, I always felt that you believed that I not only could, but would, complete the journey. Thank you. Orlando, as my dissertation chair, thank you for asking the hard questions and for being willing to grapple with my ideas, even when our perspectives radically diverged. Mary, I thank you for always taking my work seriously, particularly in this last iteration of the dissertation. Our conversations and your feedback over this last year especially, gave me the confidence to believe that perhaps there just might be some sociological import to this work after all. Thank you as well for never failing to engage with me not just as a scholar, but always first, as a person. I also want to express a special thanks to Chris for his excellent mentorship. From my first days in the program while he was DGS and through each of my doctoral milestones - qualifying paper, orals exam, prospectus defense and finally the long haul of completing this dissertation project, you never failed to make me feel as if my ideas were viii worthwhile. Even when my interests and perspectives were unorthodox for the discipline, you made me feel that they were something that should belong, and that sociology would be the better for them. I am also thankful to Chris for encouraging me to make the move beyond Cambridge’s borders when it became clear that I needed to be elsewhere for my overall health. And I will never be able to than you quite enough for finding ways to support me as life continued to unfold in unexpected ways. To Jason, my heartfelt thanks for being my anchor and touchstone in the department. Ever the wayward, prodigal daughter, when I did manage to wander back to campus our closed door sessions chock full of rolling laughter and raw honesty made me feel like there was, even in William James Hall, a bit of home that I could come back to. Your presence from our mutual arrival in the department was nothing short of a blessing. Thank you. I am deeply grateful and indebted to Michele Lamont for her sustained mentorship and guidance. I am so thankful to have begun my career under your tutelage. I can imagine no one else who would have been a better teacher and advocate, helping me develop a “feel” for the game of academia and all its moving parts. You provided me with untold development opportunities: organizing the CES study group, including me in the anti- racism project, getting published and especially granting me with a unparalleled understanding of the fine art of achieving funding that kept me sustained throughout my doctoral work and continues to serve me to this day.