The Nineteenth Hole.Pdf
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,-W" I ^ Mi The Nineteenth Hole -: Being Tales of the Fair Green •f by .; i Van Tassel Sutphen Illustrated • • fteconft i New York and London .:j Harper & Brothers Publishers .:j 1901 - 4\ Copyright, 1901, by HARPER & BROTHERS. All rights reserved. July, 1901, Publisher's Note Acknowledgments are due to the Editors of Harper's Magazine, Leslie's Monthly, the Saturday Evening Post, and Golf iov permission to reprint stories originally appearing in their columns. Contents THE TELEAUTOMATON * THE CAR OP JUGGERNAUT 37 THE TANTALUS LOVING-CUP 57 THE LOVE CHASE 75 THE GREATEST THING IN THE WORLD ... 105 THE ROUND ROBIN CHAMPIONSHIP . .131 THE MIXED-UP FOURSOME 149 FIRST AID TO THE INJURED 167 Illustrations VAN TASSEL SUTPHEN Frontispiece " HE WAS SIMPLY INCRUSTED WITH GOLD AND GLITTER" . Facing f. 68 " ' PERHAPS I OUGHT TO SAY '".,.. " ' I26 "SMASHED HIS FAVORITE PLAY-CLUB" . " " 128 MISS BELLE CHEVIOT " " 170 " ' GOOD-MORNING, DR. CHEVIOT'" . " " I76 " TRIED IT ON MRS. STYMIE'S PUG-DOG " " " 180 JACK HAZARD " " 184 " ' NEVER ! IT CAN'T BE ' " " " l86 The Teleautomaton When it's two for the hole, I can do It in. one, for I putt very true. But when I could win By the " like " in the " tin," Why is it I always take two? —The Golfiad, Canto XXVI. The Teleautomaton ALEY SPENCER opened his eyes with a little start upon the gray dawn of January i, 1900. The day had come, and with it the be- ginning of a new era in his life. He shivered a little at the thought, like a bather standing- at the brink of a cold plunge. But only for the moment—already the weakness had passed and he was a man again, rejoicing in the op- portunity which Fortune (or Geraldine Bell- ingham, as you will) had put into his hands, and determined to improve it to the full. A hasty dip into a material tub, breakfast, and then to the golf club. It was a fine, still day with no snow on the ground, and Saunders, the club professional, was ready to oblige. Two hours later the match had been played, and Paley Spencer, receiving two strokes a hole, had been beaten six up, including the 3 The Nineteenth Hole bye-holes. Saunders having certified to the correctness of this result, Mr. Spencer enclosed the card in an envelope and addressed it, in a free, flowing hand, to Miss Bellingham, " Rose- banks," Lauriston. This done, he went in to luncheon, during which interval the faithful chronicler may be permitted to offer a few words of explanation. Amiable, well-mannered, fairly intelligent, and of excellent moral character, it must still be acknowledged that the world had not been the better for Mr. Paley Spencer's residence upon it during a period of some thirty-odd years. Neither had it been the worse, but it is only the positive virtues that count, and hid- ing one's talent in a napkin at least involves the sin of omission. Between the unprofitable servant and the unjust steward there is but little to choose, so far as the master's interests are concerned. Now there were two persons who looked upon Paley's well-meaning but utterly inutile life with a real concern—his father and Miss Geraldine Bellingham. And first as to Mr. Spencer, Sr. Like many another doting parent, Spencer the elder had fondly dreamed of realizing in his son's career the dreams and ideals of his own vanished youth—in Paley he would live 4 The Teleautomaton again. Mr. Spencer had been obliged to put aside much of the sweetness and light of life in order that he might be better fitted to amass its material goods—inclined by nature to be a scholar and a philosopher, he gave up a college course to become a stock-broker and eventually a millionaire. Now at the age of threescore he could only take off his hat to the revered Goddess of Philosophy, when they met by chance upon the Street. It was many a year since they had ceased to be familiar friends, and nothing is harder to mend than the links of a broken intimacy. But there was Paley. There is an immense significance in a name, according to Balzac's ingenious theory, and Mr. Spencer decided to leave no stone unturned that might influence the tender mind of his son and heir, The family name was originally Spenser (with an s), and while the famous person of that name was a fairly good poet, he was of small account as a philosopher. Consequently our Mr. Spenser changed his name to Spencer in honor of the great English think- er, and then clinched matters by having the helpless child christened Paley Voltaire. The officiating clergyman objected feebly, but Mr. Spencer insisted, and Paley Voltaire Spencer it was. But alas! the experiment had been an utter 5 The Nineteenth Hole failure. Paley Voltaire grew up the most commonplace of boys, and he developed into the most ordinary kind of young man. He went to a famous university, where his father hoped to see him graduate as the year's Fellow in Mental Philosophy. But the only actual distinction that he achieved was that of being the best-dressed man in his class. After that Mr. Spencer, Sr., gave him up, but continued his liberal allowance. Miss Geraldine Bellingham had been Paley's playmate and friend from his earliest remem- brance. They were of exactly the same age, but a woman grows faster than a man during the first three decades of life. At twenty, Geraldine was out in society and only mildly tolerant of Paley's cubbish attentions; for of course he was in love with her at that period of his existence. At twenty-five they were just good friends, and at thirty Paley had grown into the habit of referring to her as his Aunt Jerry, and of dropping in upon her at any hour of the day that might suit his humor. A per- fectly safe situation under normal conditions, but then Paley was no longer a normal creat- ure. It had come to such a pass that he was but little more than a human vegetable, with no thought beyond how he should yawn through the day the most comfortably. Generally, it 6 The Teleautomaton was with his feet on Aunt Jerry's library fender and with a box of her especial Egyptians at his elbow. It was astonishing what unpleasantly sharp things Aunt Jerry could say when she put her mind to it. But it was rather disagreeable of her, thought Paley, considering that he had just done Miss Bellingham the honor of asking her to be his wife. Yet, as he listened, he could not but acknowledge that she was justified in what she said. He was an idler, a drone, a mere cumberer of the ground—in all his life he had never accomplished a single useful thing, nor, indeed, anything whatever, be it good or bad. "And I don't believe that you can — it's just hopeless," concluded Miss Bellingham, in a weary voice. "Give me a chance," said Paley, suddenly. He had risen to his feet—the action showed far stronger than words the depths to which his nature had been stirred. "What kind of a chance, Paley?" "To prove that I am a man and worthy of your love. What shall it be—the Philippines or six months' probation as a freight brakeman?" Miss Bellingham considered. She was really fond of Paley in a grandmotherly kind of way, and if he could but pass through some kind of 7 The Nineteenth Hole awakening process., it might be the making of him. Of course the Philippines was out of the question, and it was too ridiculous to think of Paley being a brakeman. Ah, an inspirationI "How about a round of golf every day for a twelvemonth?" "Very well/' said Paley, determinedly (he loathed golf, as Aunt Jerry knew full well). "Let's go ahead and draw up the contract, so that I can begin next Monday, which will be January 1st." As finally amended the articles of agreement provided that Paley Voltaire Spencer should play every day one round of eighteen holes at golf, the same to continue for the term of one calendar year from January I, 1900. No allowance would be made for bad weather, and only a doctor's certificate of physical disability would be accepted in lieu of an actual appearance upon the links. The eighteen holes might, however, be played upon the course of any club that was an associate or allied member of the U. S. G. A. Finally, in every case, the match must be finished before noon (slothfulness being one of Paley's pet weaknesses); and again, every hole must be played out to the last putt by the party of the first part and the card duly certified to by his opponent. "I'm not going to have you sitting on the 8 The Teleautomaton club piazza with a syphon at your elbow and just giving up holes/' said Miss Bellingham, acutely. " There are so many ways of getting around the letter of the law." "Be sure you don't try and evade my one solitary condition/' retorted Paley. Miss Bellingham hesitated. If Paley stood the test triumphantly, she was to marry him. Well, they were old friends, and she did like him better than any one else she knew, and she was getting on, and anyway the chances were a hundred to one.