MONDAY

Monday June 15th 2009 e Independent Cambridge Student Newspaper since 1947 Issue no 696 | varsity.co.uk

»p4 News »p8 Fashion »p11 Features Mr Asbo attacks Le déjeuner sur l’herbe Sir Michael Parkinson reloaded in the hot seat

Caius student MICHAEL DERRINGER contracts swine flu

Beth Staton able to comment. Both the University and local Authorities have issued in- A male undergraduate at Gonville and formation on the disease and how to Caius College has been con rmed as combat it. the University’s rst case of swine  u. Symptoms of swine  u include ach-  e student returned from a trip to ing muscles, fever, chills and headaches, London with fever and other  u like and su erers may also experience a symptoms, and on  ursday the Health cough, sore throat, or conjunctivitis. Protection Agency con rmed he had Although there is no vaccine, the contracted the H1N1 virus. disease can be e ectively treated using Varsity has learned that he is cur- antiviral medications such as Tami u. rently being cared for by sta at Dar- Anyone su ering form  u-like symp- win College, where the diagnosis was toms should stay inside, drink plenty of made.  uids and inform their GP and Porters’ A connected but uncon rmed case at Lodge. Darwin has also been reported. Several other cases have been report- In an e-mail to students, Caius’ Sen- ed in Cambridgeshire, but few have been ior Tutor stressed that the H1N1 case documented in British universities. Al- was “no cause for concern”. He said the though two students at Herriot-Watt student in question has had “limited University in Edinburgh contracted the contact with a small number of mem- disease at the end of May, the cases did bers of Caius College” and that “steps not lead to a sustained outbreak. have been taken to establish contact  e news from Cambridge comes with these, and to o er them support”. just days a er the World Health Or- Speaking to Varsity, a friend of the ganisation (WHO) raised the level of student said he was doing well, and that in uenza pandemic alert from 5 to 6, his condition had improved with medi- the highest classi cation of outbreak. cal treatment.  is means that the virus has achieved “I don’t think it’s anything special re- a sustained spread in communities in at ally. He’s got a cough and hasn’t been least two WHO regions. able to leave his room, so he’s been Margaret Chan, Director General of sleeping a lot”, the friend said. WHO, con rmed the pandemic status University authorities said the case of the virus on June 11. “Spread in sev- was being dealt with e ectively, and eral countries can no longer be traced that pre-existing mechanisms utilised to clearly-de ned chains of human-to- in previous outbreaks like mumps had human transmission”, she said. “Fur- been swi ly set into motion. ther spread is considered inevitable. “ e machinery for dealing with this  e world is now at the start of the 2009 has already sprung into action”, said in uenza pandemic”. spokesperson Tom Kirk. “Although  e dramatic classi cation of the vi- there’s clearly a di erence in the na- rus belies, however, its relatively mild ture of the disease itself, the procedures present form. Of over 30,000 con rmed King’s Fun Day for dealing with all outbreaks are the cases, only 144 su erers have died of s a m e”. the illness, compared to the 250, 000 Yesterday, guests at King’s College Fun Day lounged on the famous lawns, enjoying ice-cream, punt races and an in atable assault  e case has been dealt with wholly to 500,000 killed by seasonal in uenza course (for those not saving their energy for the rest of May Week!). internally, and Addenbrooke’s were un- each year. NUS proposes abolition of top-up fees Maggie Browning misery” for the approximately 300,000 years a er graduating, and graduate may currently be deterred from attend- the current system is £6 billion a year, graduates entering the workforce this contributions to the Trust would be ing university due to fear of debt. whereas if these proposals were put into Proposals made early in May by the summer. on a progressive sliding scale, with the Student debt under the present place, revenue could rise to £6.4 billion NUS (National Union of Students) pre- One of the new NUS proposals would poorest  h paying 0.3 percent, com- scheme could rise to as much as £32,000 within twenty years, and then to £8.5 sented an alternative to the current sys- provide for the abolition of tuition fees pared to 2.5 percent for the top twenty on graduation, if plans to increase tuition billion a er forty years. Streeting says, tem of top-up fees. and their replacement with a new ‘Peo- percent of graduate earners. fees to £5,000 or above are put in place. “NUS is proud to be the rst organisa- NUS president Wes Streeting has ple’s Trust for Higher Education’.  is would mean a signi cant de- It has been predicted that these pro- tion to stick its head above the parapet publicly claimed that current top-up Former students would contribute to crease in the nancial burden placed on posals could bene t British universities and propose an alternative to the disas- rates are poised to cause a “summer of the Trust for a xed period of twenty students from less wealthy families, who overall. Estimated revenue of fees under trous top up fee system”. Monday June 15th 2009 2 Yesterday in pictures varsity.co.uk

Got a good picture? Email it to [email protected] News »p1-4 Suicide Sunday » p3 Comprehensive coverage of yesterday’s revelries. Cambridge Spies » p4 Prepare to be scandalised by a well-boiled serving of hot gossip. Ball Reviews »p5-6 Peterhouse » p5 Catch coverage of Robinson, Homerton, Hughes Hall and Emmanuel while you’re at it. Reviews of every Ball can be read on these pages. Comment »p7 Save the BBC from market George Owers tells us why the license fee is worth the money. Fashion »p8-9 Le déjeuner sur l’herbe » p8 Maybe an old dog can learn new tricks... Features »p10-11 Look Sharpe » p10 James Sharpe guides us through the sartorial minefield that is May Week. Sir Michael Parkinson interviewed » p11 We meet the man who’s met everyone. Theatre »p12 Wishful Thinking Chew over the latest installment from the Cambridge Footlights. Reviews »p 13 Got a news story? Text ‘Varsity’ + your thoughts to 07797 800 300* *Standard network charges apply Film, music & literature Christian Bale stars in the new Terminator Editors Joel Massey, Emma Mustich & Avantika Chilkoti [email protected] News Team Beth Staton, Gemma Oke, Helen Mackreath, & Anna Harper [email protected] movie. Sport Editor Jamie Ptaszynski Comment Editor Dan Hitchens Theatre Editor Katy King Reviews Editor Tom Morris Fashion Team Zing Tsjeng, Ben Margereson, Sienna Manon Maybe & Joanna Della-Ragione Sub-editors Colm Flanagan Photographers Tim Johns, Sean Jones, Tom Moriarty, Lizzie Robinson, Charlotte Runcie, Dhaneesha Senaratne & Zing Tsjeng photos@ varsity.co.uk Illustrators Claudia Stocker, Anna Trench & Sarah Woolley Sport »p 15-16 Business & Advertising Manager Michael Derringer [email protected] Board of Directors Dr Michael Franklin (Chair), Prof. Peter Robinson, Dr Tim Harris, Mr Chris Wright, Mr Michael Derringer, Miss Lizzie Mitchell, Mr Elliot Ross (VarSoc President), Mr Thomas Bird, Mr George Grist, Mr Patrick Kingsley, Miss Natasha Lennard, Miss Anna Trench, Mr Hugo Gye, Mr Michael Stothard & Miss Clementine Dowley May Bumps » back page All the action from the second biggest boat NEWSPAPERS Varsity, Old Examination Hall, Free School Lane, Cambridge CB2 3RF. Tel 01223 337575. Fax 01223 760949. Varsity is published by Varsity Publications Ltd. Varsity Publications also publishes BlueSci SUPPORT RECYCLING and The Mays. ©2009 Varsity Publications Ltd. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means electronic, race of the year. Recycled paper made up 79% of the raw mechanical photocopying, recording or otherwise without prior permission of the publisher. Printed at Iliffe Print Cambridge — Winship Road, Milton, Cambridge CB24 6PP on 48gsm UPM Matt Paper. material for UK newspapers in 2007 Registered as a newspaper at the Post Office. ISSN 1758-4442 NEWSPAPERS SUPPORT RECYCLING Monday June 15th 2009 Got a news story? varsity.co.uk 01223 761543 / [email protected] News 3

NEWS FEATURE In Brief

Mymayweek.com launches A new service for planning your May Week has been launched online. Mypidge.com is an open source project which collates information on what’s going on in Cambridge and connects individuals to the events which are most relevant to them. Set up by stu- dents, it’s a resource which anyone can contribute to by posting events, or get- ting involved with the organisation of the project. For May Week the site can be found on mymayweek.com, and as well as wide-ranging listings of post- exam festivities it provides links to ex- clusive students o ers in restaurants, shops and bars. Information on May e Sidney Sussex Drinking Balls, garden parties and club nights Society, the Sidney Slags can be found alongside theatre listings, talks and lectures, and users can edit which events are displayed according to their preferences. Armed robbery at Revolution Five men have been arrested following an armed robbery at Vodka Revolu- Suicide Sunday tion last week. Two men with scarves wrapped around their faces entered Suicide Sunday is one of the most infamous days in the Cambridge social calendar. This year, the bar at around 2am on Tuesday 2nd June, threatening the sta and  eeing some garden parties were cancelled or forced out of city centre grounds by wary College officials. with thousands of pounds in cash. Fol- lowing a chase along the M11 the men But the fun couldn’t be stopped... were reprimanded by Essex police at around 2.30am, with police dogs and licking cream o a half-dressed stranger. brooke’s, with one fresher injuring his leg Similarly, the Lady Orchids of Down- Varsity News a helicopter a er they crossed the bor- On the process of his initiation, all on falling down a  ight of stairs. ing College had their garden party closely der from Cambridgeshire.  ree men Cambridge’s various drinking societies one student had to say was, “What was Added to all this was the Wyverns’ an- monitored by college authorities. An in their early twenties and two 17 year were out in full force for yesterday’s Sui- most surprising was the immediacy with nual jelly wrestling competition, judged external security company was hired to old youths were held for questioning cide Sunday celebrations. which the bag of vomit exploded over my almost purely on the attractiveness of operate the doors and sta from the col- in Parkside police station yesterday.  e day o ered a timetable packed with h e a d ”. the competitors.  ough some of the fe- lege bar, rather than students and society One female sta member was le bad- garden parties, the most notorious being  e day was brought to an early close male students at the event expressed their members, served alcoholic drinks in a ly shaken, but no weapons were used those hosted by the Gentlemen Wyverns for another student who was sent to Ad- disapproval of the tradition, last year’s limited two hour time-slot. and no-one was hurt during the raid. of Magdalene College, the Squires of denbrooke’s Hospital midway through his winner competed once again.  is year, One member commented, “It’s been Detective sergeant Adi Bowman was Gonville and Caius and the Trinity Hall really tricky to sort everything out.  e pleased with the police reaction to the Crescents.  e latter are now the only “WHAT WAS MOST SURPRISING WAS THE IMMEDIACY men’s garden party has been completely crime. “It is great that this incident was drinking society still allowed to host their cancelled and it’s been a struggle to get brought to a safe conclusion” she said. Garden Party on College premises. WITH WHICH THE BAG OF VOMIT EXPLODED OVER MY around the authorities for the party to go Although in past years the Wyverns ahead”.  e student noted that there had have used Trinity Old Field to celebrate in HEAD.” been no problems at the party last year Man bailed a er arson attack May Week, for their 80th Annual Garden initiation, having broken his ankle during the attraction proved so popular that but that student drinking societies, as in- Party they were compelled to relocate to a task that involved tackling a University rumours spread and a crowd gathered stitutions, have developed a bad reputa-  e Cambridge Youth Hostel has been the grounds of Anstey Hall, a restored under-20 rugby player. around the pumped and  lled paddling tion in the last year so cautious planning closed for two weeks following an ar- seventeenth-century manor house  ve  e injured student has now been re- pool half an hour before the competition was necessary. son attack. Fire ghters were called to miles from the city centre.  is move leased from hospital, where several peers was to start, only to be told to return to Colleges authorities themselves have the blaze at the hostel, where about 90 involved signi cant coordination with dutifully kept him company during the the bars. guests were staying, at around 6.15pm several coaches provided to and from the day. Friends suggested that the injury was Despite the 3pm  nish printed on Wy- on May 13th. Several people had to be event at staggered times to cater for those not directly related to drinking, although vern invitations, no alcohol was served rescued from inside the guest house, hopping between di erent events. the consumption of large amounts of al- at the party a er 2pm. Police were in at- including one who had collapsed on Between (and during) these garden cohol probably exacerbated the situation. tendance at all garden parties, as they had the ground  oor and several others parties, several students faced gruel- “I doubt the fact that he was complete- pledged to be, in order to enforce licens- who were stranded on a  at roof a er ling initiations that involved tasks such ly bollocksed helped the matter”, said one ing laws and ensure safety and sensible escaping from the  ames. Hostel sta as drinking a non-alcoholic beverage companion. Several other students forti- behaviour. managed to  nd alternative accom- through a  sh smeared in Marmite and  ed the University’s contingent at Adden- “We’re making sure that everyone modation for over 60 guests, and re- behaves safely and avoids putting them- pair work for smoke and  re damage selves at risk”, said Carol Lankton, Uni- is now under way. A 29 year old man versity Liaison O cer for the Cambridge has been arrested under suspicion of police. Speaking to Varsity in the early af- arson with intent to endanger life, and ternoon at the Squires’ Garden Party, she has been bailed to appear at Parkside said no problems had occurred but that it station on July 8th. was still early in the day. “9am is early for a start to drinking and it’s easy for people to become vul- nerable when consuming too much”, been extra wary this year.  e 2009 Newn- she said. “Garden parties are licensed ham Nuns’ Garden Party was cancelled premises so the same rules apply as to a by the College, and many other societies 52 Trumpington Street bar – you shouldn’t be serving people that have been forced to conduct initiations in Cambridge CB2 1RG are drunk or underage. We’re not trying secret to avoid disapproving authorities. to spoil anyone’s fun. Making sure these Natasha Wear, President of the Newn- FREE CHELSEA BUN events happen safely means they can con- ham Nuns, commented, “ e College With every purchase over £2.00 in the shop tinue into the future”. needed to be seen to be doing something OR Safety was also essential to the plan- to combat the problem of binge drinking. FREE MORNING ning of this year’s revelries at Trinity Hall. Our garden party was fully organised but Trinity Hall Head Porter Mark Whitehe- the College wouldn’t let it go ahead.  ey COFFEE/TEA (9am-12pm) ad said measures had been taken to en- cancelled the party as a punishment for With any cake or pastry in the restaurant An initation sure responsible behaviour. Students had the bad press we’ve received in the past. ceremony been put through a course on responsible I think the name ‘Nuns’ and the fact that on presentation of this voucher retailing and there was signi cant police we’re a girls’ college makes the situation and proof of student status presence to enforce licensing laws. w o r s e”. News Team: Beth Staton, Helen Mackreath, Gemma Oke & Anna Harper Friday May 15th 2009 4 News [email protected] varsity.co.uk

TIM JOHNS Cambridge Spies

Jesus A rear exit

One vampish damsel, fresh from an examination of the ancient linguistic variety, unsurprisingly found herself celebrating in Cin- dies, where she happened upon an ol’ victim whose loose tongue had embroidered upon the details of their affair. This archetypal Cam- bridge rogue had claimed to all he knew that he had mounted her on the derrière side. His laddish dis- Are you going to Strawberry Fair? play was soon shattered, however, by no less than seven strong blows 400 police bookings didn’t stop last week’s Strawberry Fair being hailed as a success. Despite 244 people receiving formal warnings for cannabis possession, the to his visage, dealt by the hand of free festival passed safely and peacefully, avoiding the problems of anti-social behaviour and illegal camping that plagued last year’s event. Revellers travelled in a our female protagonist. Taking multicultural ‘strawberry nation’ carnival to the music, theatre and arts festival on Midsummer Common, which featured cake decorating workshops, a lm festival pity on our heroine, her new vic- and ‘Australian gypsy burlesque pirates’. tim for the evening bid her fare- well, generously assuring her that she would be more than welcome TANYA IQBAL to continue where they had left off on a less scandalous evening. ‘Swan marshals’ on the Cam Queens’ proceeded to attack the cox herself, who Anna Harper Society Stripper required a tetanus booster the following Special ‘swan marshals’ were put in day. Trinity cox Mark McKelvie has also Prospective accounts of the up- place during the May Bumps to protect been attacked, leading to widespread fears coming annual dinner of one swans and their cygnets, following calls for the safety of rowers, and more partic- notorious drinking society so im- for action from the Royal Society for ularly coxes, during the Bumps races. pressed one member of Queens’ the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals Inspector Nice of the RSPCA noted that he felt the desire to book a (RSPCA). that violent attacks on rowers by swans table (for himself and a supervi-  e calls came a er an infamously vio- are not unusual: “During the breeding sor) the same evening at the very lent swan, nicknamed “Mr Asbo” by stu- season [birds] will naturally protect their eating establishment where the dent rowers, fathered a brood of ve cyg- territory.” infamous dinner was to be held. nets. “Mr Asbo” and his brood currently  e chances of the cygnets surviving The pair dined to the unseemly live in the Ditton Corner area, where the Bumps were thought to be slim if meas- sight of the entire membership of four-day “bumps and carnage” races took ures were not taken to protect the birds. the drinking society being escort- place in the run-up to May Week. River Manager Dr Philippa Noon of ed away, leaving a telling trail of RSPCA Inspector Chris Nice called for Cam Conservators said that licenses for Students launch Gaza broken crockery, two concerned special swan marshals to monitor swans the temporary removal of the swans from policemen and an exceedingly during bumps, arguing that Bumps races the river could have been obtained from irate – and unpaid – stripper. It are potentially hazardous for the birds, Natural England. However, such an ac- cycle campaign goes without saying that the £500 and citing past reports which tell of cyg- tion might have been distressing to the deposit laid down by said soci- nets being run over by boats.  ere is an animals concerned. tion of the Law Faculty in January this Tanya Iqbal ety will not be returned any time additional risk of swans attacking rowers In the absence of measures to protect year, demanding action from the Uni- soon. and coxes. the swans on Ditton Corner, organisers Cambridge ‘Cycle to Gaza’ event was versity regarding humanitarian aid In a recent incident, “Mr Asbo” stole of the Bumps races le themselves open launched on Sunday a ernoon as part for Gaza, as well as requesting a full Anstey Hall a mobile phone from the cox of Newn- to legal proceedings, as it is an o ence to of the ‘Cambridge Gaza Solidarity disinvestment from the arms trade ham’s second women’s boat.  e bird kill or injure a swan or cygnet under the Campaign’ to raise awareness of the of Cambridge University and its Col- Fruity Fun then dropped the phone in the river and Wildlife and Countryside Act of 1981. continuing blockade of the Gaza area. leges. MASONS NEWS SERVICE More than 70 volunteers, of all ages,  e cycle race continued the work The much-anticipated fun of both University members and locals, of the campaigners, and was a follow- five bikini-clad babes and some assembled at the Café Project on Jesus up to Saturday evening’s concert held fruit-infused gelatine took a turn Lane where the sunny a ernoon set at the Cambridge Union. for the worse this year when one the tone for the charity event.  e 36km cycle hoped to raise feisty, fresh-faced Irish combat- In preparation for the cycle, par- money through sponsorship towards ant received a blow to the nose. So ticipants created banners with slogans funding educational NGOs in Gaza. tempting was the resultant blood- such as ‘End the blockade’ and ‘Don’t  e cyclists sported face paint, ban- and-jelly concoction that crowds Police the Peace’ whilst sitting out- ners and  ags and even strapped a of eager and somewhat prurient doors to enjoy the £4 charitable lunch ghetto blaster to one of the bicycles onlookers dived in post-match to provided by the Café Project. Moti- in order to attract the attention of the investigate. Little did they realise vating pep-talks reiterated the under- weekend crowds in Cambridge. that the vivid, gory mixture would lying theme and intention of peace  e route was set to last around two not be improved by the addition and solidarity of the event from both hours beginning and ending at the of three blackberries. Random. a Palestinian and Israeli perspective. Café Project on Jesus Lane; it includ- “Mr Asbo” attacks  e ‘Cambridge Gaza Solidarity ed cycling along King’s Parade and Campaign’ began during the occupa- through Parker’s Piece. Friday May 15th 2009 May Week Editors: Joel Massey, Emma Mustich & Avantika Chikolti varsity.co.uk [email protected] Peterhouse 5

Balls in Brief

Albion Ascendant MiChAEl StothArd

Homerton: James Bond 007

Despite winning the award for the most unimaginative May Ball theme (surely every one is, by default, ‘James Bond 007’: black tie, a token casino, and some cocktails), Homerton wasn’t a complete embarrassment. There was a rather charming mix- ture of the spectacularly tasteless (an Aston Martin plunked on the lawn which disappeared half way through the night) and the genuinely enjoya- ble. There was a great variety of music and entertainment; a highlight being the Footlights crew, especially that di- sheveled comic gem Liam Williams. It was an oddjob, but it was fun. The carousel was a nice time consumer, and the casino was all right, but someone should be told that when the champagne runs out - having Becks on tap isn’t a great alternative. Anna Trench Robinson: Phantasmagoria he queue, a mode of organisation had been transformed into a Notting sic, with the verbal dexterity of Britain’s Tthat typifies our island’s habitual Hill Carnival soaked with samba, steel best beat-boxer, Beardyman, stunning a ‘Phantasmagoria’ was a spectacu- sense of conformity fair play, is the drums and Red Stripe. However, the packed out main stage. His ridiculously lar start to May Week.Highlights archetypal British activity. So as a ‘cel- highlight was definitely the Old Court, versatile voice box recreated club classics, included the firework display and 725 ebration of Britain and her rich history’ decked out as a Jubilee Ball, with Union coupled with hilarious interjections wor- the musical entertainments which number of bottles of champagne the Peterhouse May Ball got off to a good Jack coloured ribbons and garlands thy of a top stand-up comedian. A similar were provided on the main stage by, start. However, this dull formality was hanging from the windows and Union effect was created by Cambridge’s own amongst others, The Magistrates, elevated into the realms of genius by the Jack-coloured champagne to wash down Finn Beames, who energized the Blitz DJ Yoda and DJ Luck MC Neat. The inspired invitation of the Sealed Knot to the hog roast. Black Out Room with his entertaining dodgems, bouncy castle and shisha perform for the waiting guests. As usual with these events, I had reworking of girl band hits. Peterhouse tent also proved popular. The atmos- For those unfamiliar with the Sealed fasted for the whole day in order to get natives Ye Derf Evaders filled the Notting phere was set by breathtaking surreal- Knot, this historical re-enactment soci- my money’s worth of food come the Hill Carnival with their classic mix of ist artwork which hung around the 5 ety is made up of creepily dedicated hob- evening. So the first hour or so was spent rock ‘n’ roll, reggae and ska. College and reflected the different number of sages byists who assemble at weekends, dress manically rushing around in an attempt Unfortunately the headliners Simian zones of entertainment endowed with like extras from a period drama, and to visit every food stall. Once my raging Mobile Disco did not attract the enthusi- mystical names such as the ‘Road of revel in their queer perception of Merrie appetite had been calmed it was time to asm they deserved. Despite being a bril- the Enigma’ and ‘Shangri-La’. Guests England. We were treated to a perform- relax on the Ferris wheel. Apparently, the liant booking, these New Rave kingpins were spoilt for choice with the wide ance by the ‘King’s Army’ of circa 1642. committee had booked a classy old Fer- turned out to be too cool for the school range of food and drink, which in- The soldiers invited guests to shoot ris wheel with a tasteful decor -report- of white tie, silk scarves and champagne. cluded an elaborate sit-down dinner, their muskets, the jester invited ladies edly the one used in the M&S adverts. In The perennially jarring sight, evident at hog roast, crêpes and cocktails. As the 1,250 to stroke his cock-a-doodle-doo, and its place arrived a magnificently garish all May Balls, of gimps in dinner jackets sun rose and the survivors enjoyed number of tickets sold the campsite wench invited men to im- wheel covered in porny images (wild cats and ball gowns bumping and grinding breakfast, there was still a buzz of pregnate her. What is more, as the loopy and naked blonde ladies cheekily caress- to the UK’s hippest acts, was not absent energy in the air. The ball was an enthusiasts of the Sealed Knot were so ing their tails), rather at odds with the here, and SMD drew an unfortunately overwhelming success. happy to offer us their picture of ‘Olde tasteful restraint of the evening’s theme. small crowd. In comparison, the Choral Sarah Rodin England’, this bizarre opening entertain- Lured in by these delightful paintings, Scholars of King’s College, known as ment was completely free. The same my guest and I joined the queue. Collegium Regale, packed out the Jubilee originality and loving attention to detail “He must be taking the piss,” I said to Ball stage three hours later. Emmanuel: Not Empire 30 characteristic of the Sealed Knot’s re- my guest as one of the men staffing the After the traumatic journey which saw Along with the usual favourites, in- enactments pervaded the whole evening ride shimmied up a ladder with a metal the Peterhouse Ball cancelled last year, number of live acts cluding dodgems and a champagne and made the Peterhouse May Ball an mallet and began hammering one of the and upset by the suspension of its 2009 bar, Emma Ball had some truly indi- unqualified triumph. struts back into place. president last month, the evening had vidual features. The shisha area placed On entering the Ball, attractions and Evidently the majority of those queu- a wonderful sense of culmination. In under a bowing tree produced a mys- decorations instantly turned me into a ing in front of us did not think he was, terms of its organisation, for many the tical cavern-esque atmosphere and giddy and excited schoolchild. The team and in fear of their lives scurried off, evening was a case of Hamlet without the the artificial beach, whilst not popu- had done a truly magnificent job in leaving us more foolhardy revellers a Prince. However, it remained a magnifi- lar with guests reluctant to rest their 1 transforming their college into an hom- space on the next ride. The view from cent event, infused with that excitement silk-clad behinds on wet sand, was age to Albion - something that could the top was truly beautiful, with the last only ever born of seeing a true labour of number of Ferris wheels admired theoretically. The Indian tent so easily have looked a bit naff. The en- remnants of the setting sun glistening love completed. Say what you want about was especially magnificently deco- trance was a Village Fête complete with on the horizon behind the silhouette of Cambridge’s stupidest college, they can rated with a colossal facade of the Taj games, a Ferris wheel and the ubiquitous King’s Chapel. throw one hell of a party. Mahal. Kitty Walsh May Ball carousel, and Gibson Court A magnificent job was done on the mu- Robert Peal

A guest At Homerton sAid: “The theme was so cheesy: they even had an Aston Martin!” »At a Ball? Text ‘Varsity’ + your thoughts to 07797 800 300* May Week Editors: Joel Massey, Emma Mustich & Avantika Chilkoti Monday June 15th 2009 6 Ball Reviews [email protected] varsity.co.uk Your Passports, Please CAEDMON TUNSTALL-BEHRENS TRAVELS TO BURGUNDY (IN LONDON) BY WAY OF HUGHES HALL CAEDMON TUNSTALL-BEHRENS reeted at the entrance to Hughes plosion reveals a hidden vault containing Outside, among the well-placed deck natives, with their skits and lyrics, kept Hall May Ball by the glaring absence treasure as well as an ancient document chairs, I caught part of the conversation a keen few head-banging for an hour, Gof a queue and a seriously awkward proving that the land was once granted going on in a neighbouring group about whilst others queued for the hog-roast, silence, I must say I didn’t have much to the Duke of Burgundy in perpetu- the merits of the burlesque act. “ is a May Ball essential that was happily not hope that the night was going to bring ity. Pimlico’s inhabitants thus nd that isn’t burlesque,” one gent said. “ It’s girls le out. great things. In fact, I only feared con- they are Burgundians, and are promptly prancing around in their pants. Real Other culinary choices included rmation of my suspicions that mature refused passage out of their district by burlesque is supposed to be suggestive cheesy-chips, jacket potatoes, Beef students just don’t know how to party. the London authorities. rather than overtly sexual.” Bourguignon, sh and chips, ice cream, Design certainly didn’t feature hugely As a Ball concept it could have worked “I don’t want you to thank me, I and crêpes.  e oddity was that all were in the Ball’s budget. A hand-drawn quite well, but at Hughes the only just want you to spank me” was the served from the same two trailers, which ‘Pimlico’ tube sign was the rst thing we features actually alluding to theme were catchphrase of a later but similar act, were rather too reminiscent of the Mar- encountered, and a series of tourist snaps a room called the ‘Bomb Shelter’, a ‘Duke which included props such as a real-life ket Square’s Van of Life for my liking. of London city-centre promo shots were of Burgundy Pub’ and a mock Pimlico ping-pong bat and featured a woman’s Drink  owed freely for the whole the disappointing second act. Tube station. requests for male members of the audi- night and - although the refreshments Which brings me to the theme of Venturing into the melée, my com- ence to punish her. doubtless weren’t as fancy as their coun- the night: ‘Passport to Pimlico’. Invited panions and I found ourselves on the  e same dancers were later seen terparts at Peterhouse – no one seemed to spend an evening ‘partying like we main stage, where we were greeted by a again on the main stage, but in their ca- to mind that Hughes Hall had kept it [were] in Burgundy’ sounded like a troupe of ve fresh-faced and scantily- pacity as a professional band, “ e Elec- simple. promising prospect at rst, but the lack clad gyrating girls. tric Dolls”. Mixing pop beats with well In all more a June Event than a May of coherence throughout the venue in  is performance was perhaps pitched voices, they had the audience on Ball, ‘Passport to Pimlico’ still exceeded terms of setting was a shame. the highlight of the evening - much the dance  oor showing their moves. my expectations, despite the fact that I  e 1949 Ealing Studios comedy improved from the rst act, where the Another big act, Lounge Fly, which got serious blazer-envy for a “Goldie” ‘Passport to Pimlico’ was itself named for same girls had been dressed as French has received widespread press coverage jacket, and didn’t manage to stay on the sought-a er postcode of Pimlico in maids, perhaps in a (weak) allusion to in NME, attracted a large gaggle in the the Bucking Bronco for more than ten London. In the lm, a delayed bomb ex- the Burgundian theme. dance tent.  e group of Gloucestershire seconds. 150 7 12 400 number of guests number of bottles of champagne number of staff members number of live acts

Speechwriter, Public Affairs £27,795 to £31,283 Cambridge

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A GUEST AT PETERHOUSE SAID: “ ere were just loads of guys, just well up for a party.” At a Ball? Freetext your thoughts to 07797800300. Monday June 15th 2009 Comment Editor: Dan Hitchens varsity.co.uk [email protected] Comment 7

Joe What I love Hunter Achieving the impossible about May Week May Balls are a step beyond our everyday expectations

he May Ball is a grotesque example than its satiation. In fact, once we are within the future, the end of the tunnel. of the Cambridge ethos of living for It’s not true that every Cambridge stu- surprise surprise it does not have the Ultimately, I suppose it doesn’t matter. Tpostponed pleasure. It makes perfect dent lives for May Week, but it is fair to same appeal it had when we imagined it, It helps us perform when we need to per- sense, it may be argued, that the hardest say that during exam term, the intensity and so the framework is re-located. Now form, and it helps committee members and most concentrated working terms in of the workload and (o en self-induced) we look forward to a particular Ball, or to organise great events without the bene t the land (perhaps the world) culminate academic pressure would be too much graduation, or whatever. We nd again of experience. We must remember, in some of the most lavish and over- to bear without a light at the end of the and again that we are denied what we though, that no May Ball is ever really blown celebrations, equally condensed tunnel. However, because this promise of hoped for: the enjoyment of the present the sum of its parts. I defy anybody to and intense. It’s worth noting that we do develop a sound ethical argument excus- not ‘beat’ students at other institutions on ing the kind of expenditure and waste quantities of alcohol consumed or even induced by a May Ball.  e problem is, consecutive days and nights of post-exam if you go down that road, where do you excess. What sets us apart is our ability to stop? Take all the money spent on May pre-plan and anticipate that excess to an Balls in one year and give it to cancer incredible extent. research. Good. Now: tell me why you Without being a committee member don’t do the same with the money spent ebauchery, like decadence, is for a May Week event (as I was this on your education. Oh, you want to get a term bandied about far too year), you cannot understand the level of into a better social and nancial position oD en at Cambridge. If we think thought that goes into their organisation so you can help more potently. But when about it, we have had very few from people who have nothing concrete does that happen? What if you get rich? nights which really are decadent to gain from the event’s successful execu- And when you were in the library at 2 or debauched. Faded drinking so- tion except a few lines on a CV. You will am this term, were you really longing for ciety superheroes clutching their all, however, be familiar with the scale exams to be over so you could plan your last Apple VKs in Cindies don’t and complexity of the events themselves. future charity work? really cut it, while formals, despite Look, for example, at the programme you By its very nature, a May Ball is an clinging to the candlelit trappings are given at the next Ball or June Event attempt to achieve the impossible. It’s of silverware and gowns, never you attend. Somebody has thought about the First we always should have got; the turn truly Bacchic.  is tends not that one document, on and o , for almost gym routine we can never quite stick to; to be too problematic, as it means a full year of their life. Not constantly the phone call home we can’t nd time you can complete your essay the working on it - but the need to produce to make; the future plans that are never next day reasonably satisfactorily. it, and the committee role that goes with a ‘life a er’ the present intense e ort has in a simple and direct contrast with the quite in place. But there’s another way of Note, by the way, that I’m not con- that responsibility, has been the concern meant so much for the entire academic past.  at is to say, we know that we have looking at them. Forget past and future fusing drunkenness with debauch- of somebody for all that time. But this is career of all Cambridge students, we look worked solidly for seven weeks and sat for a moment. You’ll nd yourself in a ery. Any fool can get drunk. But really no di erent from the experience of upon it as the only way to live. During very di cult exams by the time we reach beautiful Cambridge college, surrounded to do so in style, in glory, is a very the attendee, the punter who receives the exams, looking towards May Week, our May Week, and no amount of Pimm’s or by your closest friends, and supplied with rare thing indeed. I am not sure I programme on the long-awaited evening. pleasure stems from picturing ourselves midday lie-ins or sunburn can compen- food, drink and music in abundance. have done it more than a couple In both cases, the main emphasis is on inhabiting this future state with gusto sate for it – certainly not in the way we And maybe you’ll nd that now – just of times – including one occasion the preparation and anticipation, rather and looking back on the past with relief. thought it might when it was our light at now – is the best place to be. when I woke up to read, in my inbox, all the way from Romania, “Dear Mr Kingsley,  ank you for your o er to buy my Soviet limo. When can you pick it up?”  at, I think, may have been quite George decadent, certainly for my bank balance.  ank God it doesn’t Owers Save the BBC from the market happen o en. So let me say straight away that e license fee is a guarantee of quality mass decadent debauchery would not be what I would be looking for in an ideal May Week. We will probably never see Dionysian acaulay once observed that there However, by eroding the BBC’s reputa- British media? Would journalists genu- tame media machine ladling intellectual revels on the scale of, say, e is “no spectacle so ridiculous as tion in the eyes of the small-minded inely interested in getting to the truth and gruel to the punters will do it just ne. Bacchae, which is in many ways a theM British public in one of its periodi- punters who lap up anything the Mail or standing up to corporate behemoths get Of course, there is also the more overt Good  ing, especially for people cal ts of morality”.  ere has been no Sun prints, these guttersnipes are striking a fair hearing in a world where Rupert political aspect; David Cameron would who think decapitation at the tter monument to this aperçu recently at the very core of our cultural heritage. Murdoch sat as judge, jury and execu- probably do unspeakable and frankly hands of your own mother is not than the Ross/Brand debacle. However, For, what is the BBC but a venerable tioner on every single issue? If we do not unprintable things for Rupert Murdoch a great way to end an evening of the morality of their ill-judged, boorish custodian of our intellectual culture? stand up for the idea that the BBC exists for the support of e Sun. drinking. But what we can aim antics is secondary to what the hysterical When broadcasting is exposed to the full to make programmes that enrich our So, unless we are prepared to stand for is a bloody good time: one last attacks of the gutter press reveal about blast of the market, it merely results in national culture, teach us to think more up and take political action to protect bash before we all go o on our contemporary British culture. a levelling-down populism designed to deeply, and challenge us to do and be the BBC, then there is a grave danger separate but fairly generic ways; a  e Daily Hate and Torygraph would appeal to a homogenised, ‘focus-grouped’ better, and that it deserves the freedom to that Northcli e and Murdoch, aided healthy, cathartic antidote to the love us to believe that their attacks on mediocrity. Surely the mind-numbingly do so, then we might as well settle for a by Druggy Dave and the Notting Hill horrors of the examination halls; a Auntie Beeb merely re ected a sincere fourth-rate nature of the output of ITV in future in which the high-point of British mob, will have their wicked way and festive week rather than a chaotic and admirable desire to protect the deeply steal the jewel in the crown of Britain’s one. cherished moral values of the British intellectual life.  e BBC’s protection  ere will be an element of people.  e reality is that the right-wing from market forces results in the making fantasy about the whole a air, as, hacks of Fleet Street have long since “ e big media ogres have political backing” of programmes that end up being both dressed to the nines, we  it about auctioned their nicotine-stained, booze- excellent, and, in the end, popular.  is is Balls and garden parties, forget- soaked souls to the highest bidder, like because creativity needs long-term faith ting for a moment that we live in a swarm of Fausts bowing down to the the past twenty years is evidence enough cultural identity and vigour is ogling at and commitment. Take, for example, a somewhat less than ideal world; Murdoch-like gure of Lucifer.  ey are of this. Only a BBC well-funded and page three of e Sun. Only Fools and Horses, or Blackadder. all the gossip and the scandal that in the pockets of large media corporations allowed to innovate and appeal to niche Of course, the big media ogres are not Both programmes had poor rst series, never happened this term will play that are direct commercial competitors to interests and minority pursuits can pro- without political backing. Who is at the but were rescued by commissioners who itself out on the glitzy set that is the BBC, most notably Sky in the case of tect us from a future of inane crassness. vanguard of this cynical attack on the saw promise in these early e orts. Both Cambridge in June; all the Can- Murdoch, who owns e T i m e s and e Take, for example, Radio 4, one of BBC? Could it possibly be the Conserva- shows, of course, went onto to be phe- tabrigian stereotypes will be out in Sun.  e Daily Mail is owned by North- the last outlets in the UK broadcasting tive Party? David Cameron lazily reheats nomenal popular and critical smashes. force, from vapid Blu-Tack to pale, cli e Media, who owns a string of local decent, well-researched investigative tabloid assaults on the Beeb, and Tory  e market cannot accommodate such furry academes blinking in the news outlets.  e BBC is the last bulwark journalism, serious, balanced news ‘Culture’ policy largely consists of attack- long-term commitment. It is a creature of sunlight. It will be tremendously against News International’s complete reporting, and high-minded cultural ing the licence fee. Under a Tory govern- the short-run. It is for this reason, among jolly and, barring Suicide Sunday, domination of the entire British media. programming. Would In Our Time, a ment out-and-out privatisation is surely many, that the BBC is worth defending. actually quite civilised. Nice, in So, the vicious swipes of these jour- programme in which Melvyn Bragg picks not far away.  e political right-wing has So, next time you read some outraged other words, with just that deli- nalistic prostitutes merely constitute self- the minds of world-experts on subjects no interest in an impartial BBC appeal- tabloid hissy- t, remember that the oc- cious possibility of naughtiness. interest masked by a baroque and faintly ranging from Jonathan Swi to Charles ing to our better interests and exposing casional lapse of judgement is the price Victor Kingsley distasteful veneer of moralistic panic. Darwin, exist in a completely marketised the realities of our political culture. A we pay for originality and culture.

A GUEST AT ROBINSON SAID: “It was so crowded, I reckon they sold twice the number of tickets they should have done.” At a Ball? Freetext your thoughts to 07797800300. Le Dejeuner sur l’herbe starring Shin-Shin Hua, Jack Furness, Venetia Archer and Tristan Hambleton; Photos by Michael Derringer; Art Direction by Joanna Della-Ragione and Ben Margereson May Week Editors: Joel Massey, Emma Mustich & Avantika Chilkoti Monday June 15th 2009 10 Features [email protected] varsity.co.uk Look Sharpe in May Week

CAMBRIDGE INSTITUTION JAMES SHARPE GRADUATES IN JUST OVER A WEEK. WE WEREN’T ABOUT TO LET HIM GET AWAY WITHOUT SOME PARTING WORDS OF ADVICE ON MAY WEEK ETIQUETTE...

Black tie Garden parties Although it might be raining, it is still nudging I don’t wish to be patronising, but it is worth just being summer time.  erefore, at garden parties a light- clear: black tie means tuxedo in American English, but coloured jacket or navy blazer (a tie can look forced) with some very important di erences. If you have ever will always be welcome.  ese events visited Marks and Spencer’s to purchase a dress shirt with are not the place for tomfoolery, an attachable wing collar, you are purchasing what can only however – that should be saved until be described as a sartorial nightmare. It is a paradox all of the evening. Good conversation its own because in formal wear it simply does not exist. is where the real fun of the garden Only our American cousins could be so foppish as to wear party lies. Once upon a time, politics a wing-collared shirt with their tuxedo. In this country and religion were no-go subjects. we have fold-down collars, thank you very much. Also Now they are up for grabs. Just remember: peaked lapels. Scroll collars on your dinner remember that if someone disagrees jacket are nice on your dapper young gentleman around with you and there is no sight of town though. I hope I don’t need to remind you that resolution, the conversation should you should be wearing a cummerbund (or waistcoat) move on as quickly as possible. and a self-tied bowtie. Seriously, on what planet do Sometimes, if faced with someone so you think a pre-tied bowtie is acceptable?! antagonistic that they will never back down (no matter how wrong they may be), it is up to the opponent to White tie use his maturity and submit.

For a man, the fun doesn’t cease with black tie. Oh no. If you’ve been lucky enough to sneak a ticket to a more formal May Ball such as Peterhouse or Magdalene (or the CUCA Chairman’s Dinner), you shall have the pleasure of donning white tie. Remember that wing collar? Well, this is where it is applicable - but only if it is detachable! Most hire companies will give you one of those American sartorial travesties, which will in fact be acceptable under the circumstances. It’s just that if you want a sti collar, detachable Accessories are to be is always better. Also note that shoes should encouraged be patent leather (i.e. shiny), and that a white handkerchief may feel right, but a coloured one lets you make a statement. Talking about handkerchiefs, many people like to fold them neatly for their breast pocket, but I’ve always found that simply stu ng it in produces a Outdoor drama better result. Accessories are to be encouraged: If you decide to partake in a little make an e ort to procure a top hat, an opera culture during May Week, there is a cape, a silver-topped cane, or the classic treasure trove of Shakespeare’s best antique pocket watch. on show during the early a ernoons in various Fellows’ Gardens. Of course, being outside in the sun, what better accompaniment to bring than a picnic. Nevertheless, while that champagne and those strawberries will no doubt be It’s not gauche to scrumptious, it is s t u best to put them to one side once the actors burst onto the stage. Outdoor theatre has the potential Dresses to delight, but Appropriate dress for only if everyone is Women are forever complaining that the task of some Shakespeare in allowed to enjoy it. preparation for formal events is more complicated the garden for them.  is is not true. A man must navigate the precise conventions of black and white tie occasions, while all a women has do is choose a pretty (long) dress.  e only thing women really Croquet need to worry about is the colour. But as a man, I would not presume to lecture anyone of With sports it is vital to lay down the code of conduct. Not in this case. the opposite sex on the delicate subject Sharpe not lecturing Because all those who play croquet must be, by de nition, gentlemen, there of co-ordinating dress with eyes and skin women on colour is no need to inform participants that hitting an opponent with a mallet is complexion. coordination just not cricket. But, as croquet is the nastiest and most competitive sport in existence, anything goes.

A GUEST AT HOMERTON SAID: “ e acts were fucking amazing, Noah and the Whale were fucking amazing, but they only did a half hour set.” At a Ball? Text ‘Varsity’ + your thoughts to 07797 800 300* Monday June 15th 2009 May Week Editors: Joel Massey, Emma Mustich & Avantika Chilkoti varsity.co.uk [email protected] Features 11 Parkinson on Parkinson earlier this term, a brave joel massey agreed to interview professional questioner sir michael parkinson live at the union. parky opened up about the heroes and villains of the entertainment industry

ir Michael Parkinson has, by his own tion that the most remarkable person he estimation, interviewed 2000 of the has interviewed was Muhammad Ali. Sworld’s most famous people. So it was “I was very lucky,” he explained to with some trepidation that I went to in- me in person, “because in 1971 when terview him in front of a packed Cham- I first started doing the talk show ber at The Union earlier this term. Muhammad Ali was coming into his I had last heard of Parky in the news prime. I interviewed him four times in back in April with regard to an article the next eleven years and chronicled he had written on Jade Goody for The not only the success of an extraordi- Radio Times. “I said that she came to nary career and a great champion, but represent all that is wretched about also his decline. In the last interview Britain today,” Sir Michael explains. “I I did with him in 1982, though we was making a statement about what I didn’t know it at the time, he was at perceive television like Big Brother is the very beginning of his decline into doing to our society. But then, I would Parkinson’s. What was interesting was not pay to see the elephant man, I that I asked Ali if he was frightened of would not pay to see the lunatics at becoming one of those guys you see at Bedlam, and I would not pay to see every boxing event with dead eyes and the bearded lady. Why should we sit cauliflower ears. He got angry with me, and watch a gang of freaks? When they but even then I could see in his eyes cast Big Brother they don’t cast the first a change from the man I’d met eleven people who come through the door, years ago. He fought twice more after they cast people with psychological that, the consequence of which is the problems so they can put them in a man we see today.” room and laugh at them through a spy Moving on from the people he did hole. I don’t find that edifying.... And interview, I asked if he had a one-that- if we can’t see the correlation between got-away. “Frank Sinatra,” he responded putting Jade Goody up as a role model quickly. “He was the greatest star of the and what happens on our streets on a twentieth century and the best singer of Saturday night then we’re dafter than popular songs there has ever been, and I thought we were. We, as people who I’ll fight anyone who says otherwise. I work in television, should think about got near him once at a cocktail party. A the consequences of what we’re doing.” friend of mine, the songwriter Sammy I asked if, more generally, he felt that Cahn, had taken me out to meet Frank there was something pernicious about Sinatra. Sammy said that if I met him celebrity culture. “It’s just futile,” he and he knew who I was he might do replied in a saddened tone. “I mean, a show next time he was in England. I what is this sense in wanting to be was introduced to him, he said, ‘Mike, recognised? You walk down the street how are you?’, and I said, ‘Fine, Mr and people say, ‘Ooh, look at him,’ Sinatra, how are you?’ Then Sammy but for what reason? Of course you left and as I didn’t know anybody at become famous if you appear on stage, the party I thought I might as well television or whatever, but that should go. Before I did I figured I should say never be your reason for being there. goodbye to my new best friend. I went Anyone who does something just to be over and said, ‘Mr Sinatra, I’m going famous has got a screw loose. That’s the now,’ and he said, ‘Good to meet you, problem with these poor devils in the David.’ From then on I had a feeling Big Brother house. When they come out things wouldn’t work out.” what are they other than famous? And My final question was unimaginative, where are they now?” but I felt I had to ask Parky to single out Living in Australia with Nasty Nick, one or two more of the people he had I suggested. “That reminds me,” he con- met in the course of his career. “Man- tinued, “I was in a restaurant in London dela was always a great hero of mine,” when I saw a man sitting in the corner he began, “especially as I was quite turned round and staring at the wall. I active as a journalist during apartheid. I asked somebody, and it turned it out he was actually banned from South Africa was Nasty Nick from the first series of for a while, but then I was allowed to Big Brother, facing the wall because he go back when Mandela was out, and I didn’t want to be recognised. It hadn’t met the great man. I’m not mystical at Unsurprisingly, however, not eve- stand out for Parkinson are the ones in great joy of doing my job,” Parkinson occurred to him that this would attract all, but there are people you meet who ryone has the immediate charisma of which the interviewees lived up to their concludes. “I got to meet my heroes – even more attention.” have a certain personality, a force or a Muhammad Ali or a Billy Connolly. impressive reputations. “That was the and they didn’t disappoint.” Later I moved to discuss Sir Michael’s willpower within them. I don’t know One interviewee with whom Parkinson accomplished television career. In my what it is, but even when your back is failed to ‘connect’ was Meg Ryan. “She research, I had found an interesting turned, you know they’ve walked into walked out on the show,” Parkinson Parky by Numbers quotation in which he revealed that, the room. Ali had it, Billy Connolly has says, “and I don’t know what it was. I mean, she just didn’t like me, and I didn’t like her. I don’t know what is 1 Number of years since Parkinson was knighted “if we can’t see the correlation between wrong with her.” Parkinson pauses putting jade goody up as a role model and here to laugh, and the audience giggles 2 Number of O-Levels Parkinson achieved before leaving appreciatively. “A wonderful interview school (English and Art) what happens on our streets on a saturday when you say, ‘I don’t know what was wrong with her. It wasn’t my fault,” 361 Number of editions of ‘Parkinson’ Sir Michael created night then we’re dafter than i thought we Parkinson reassures us. “It comes to a point when, because the consensual 2,000 Approximate number of celebrities Parkinson has inter- deal is gone, all you can do is wrap it viewed were.” up, basically, because you know you’re getting nowhere.” 12.5 million Number of viewers who watched the 1997 special although he cannot choose a ‘favourite’ it, Richard Burton had it and Mandela But luckily, this only happens rela- ‘BBC’s Auntie’s All Time Greats’, hosted by Parkinson interviewee, he can say without hesita- certainly has it.” tively rarely. The interviews that truly a guest at peterhouse said: “The food was abysmal, but at the same time the atmosphere was fantastic.” »At a Ball? Text ‘Varsity’ + your thoughts to 07797 800 300* Theatre Editor: Katy King Monday June 15th 2009 12  eatre [email protected] varsity.co.uk

View from the Groundlings THEATRE

KATY KING Footlights in Wishful inking ADC eatre, June 9th-20th (not 14th) Dir. Rory Mullarkey; Cambridge Footlights 

umour has it that Wishful inking genuinely engaging relationship drama at the injustice and incompetence of the f there is one thing that Rcame together in one frantic writing and an inspired, long-form farce to close world around them, while his show- Cambridge students are good period the weekend before opening the show. While some of the new mate- closing monologue is superb. Roberts, Iat (apart from failing to procre- night. While it is easy to feel sympathy rial dragged a little in places, as it was meanwhile, displays his customary ate, abstinence from drugs and for six people trying to juggle exams road-tested for the  rst time, the cracks Midas touch. Over the past four years shopping at Sainsbury’s) then it and the writing of a full length sketch were papered over by the performances. he has stolen the show in four successive is ORGANISED FUN, and if you show, it must be said that the end result  is must be the strongest Footlights pantomimes, and is now onto his second can struggle past the gaggles of sometimes feels a little slapdash. Several ensemble of recent years; there is not a tour show; it is sobering to think that this comatose blazers on your college sketches are familiar from Smokers ear- weak link in the cast, each of the six get- one marks his  nal appearance on the lawn then you might just catch a lier in the year, while paying full price ting their time to shine, and all burning ADC stage. Whether it is as an arrogant play this May Week. We are glut- for a main show that runs considerably equally brightly. From Tom Evans’ terri- marathon-running alpha male or “a tons for punishment, and this year under two hours is a little galling. fying zoo keeper and Abi Tedder’s hope- simple country folk”, he can be relied on there is a real variety of produc-  ese might amount to serious criti- less Malory, to Keith Akushie’s frightened to wring maximum laughs out of any tions, mostly taking place amongst cisms, were it not for the fact that the schoolboy and Daran Johnson’s little girl, character. fairly idyllic surroundings. show itself is both well directed, and all make their mark. Having seen the show at the beginning Watching plays in this en- consistently and hysterically funny. Cov- Amongst equals, however, the most and end of its  rst week, the improve- vironment is a once in a year ering the usual Footlights bases of clever equal are Liam Williams and Alastair ment was marked. If the team can sustain opportunity. It’s refreshing to see wordplay and studied absurdity, the Roberts. Williams portrays a hilarious this rate of development for the rest of how directors adapt without the show also  nds room for more experi- succession of furiously o cious, petty the run, they should have something conventional staging tricks, a bit mental sketches, including a twisted and men (PE teachers, caretakers), snarling special on their hands. Ed Rowett (but actually not that much) like bullying a chameleon. Without ZING TSJENG complicated set changes and over- Private Lives wrought sound cues, the perform- ers are le to shine. Trinity Fellows’ Garden, June 9th-11th Mixed in amongst the obligato- ry Shakespeares (Much Ado, Com- Dir. Alexander Winterbotham; e Dryden Society and e Noël Coward Society edy of Errors, Julius Caesar) there  are some eye catching treats. Don’t miss Trojan Women and Don Juan he Englishman is a pluckily opti- Private Lives.  e show, however, must with slack-jawed bravado, while their on Trial.  e latter, which imag- Tmistic creature. Two  ne days in go on, and the cast relocated to Trinity’s inconstant wives Amanda (Elizabeth ines an old lothario confronted May and he books his holiday to Corn- Old Combination Room. Donnelly) and Sybil (Lizzy Barber) by his previous lovers in a French wall,  lls the fridge with Pimms and Noel Coward is feted as a quintessen- shriek in high-pitched debutante hys- chateau, sounds intriguing. My talks authoritatively of the forecasted tially English playwright. A man who, terics. Elyot is the strongest of the four, editor told me I wasn’t allowed to ‘barbecue summer.’ If he is of a thes- one would suppose, endured a lifetime mustering the right degree of bored plug the play I am in so let’s just pian turn of mind he plans a summer of soggy garden parties and rained-o insouciance and Sybil is  eetingly funny say it is going to be performed in programme of al fresco performances: summer events.  ere is a misplaced when weeping that she has never been an orchard. Let me review it now Midsummer Night’s Dream in the rose apprehension that Coward (and Oscar so miserable as she is on her honey- in fact to save Varsity the bother garden, Some Like it Hot on the ve- Wilde’s) brand of ‘posh’ must mean moon. Victor shouts and rages when he – “Yasha, the truculent manserv- randa and Wind in the Willows beside ‘loud’ and his lines are delivered in a ought to be browbeaten and his wife, ant with great aspirations, was a picturesque river bank. But he has consistent booming huntin’, shootin’ Amanda, is a banshee. Did anyone ever performed heroically by rising star forgotten that what works in Verona, and  shin’ bray. When the characters talk like this?  e cast of Private Lives Pascal Porcheron.” Too arrogant? in Corinth, or in Rome is doomed on are sarcastic, the bray is elongated and seemed lost in some strange high- Okay: “I haven’t seen a produc- English soil. No amount of strawberries when they are angry they shout like volume parody of the sel shness of tion of the C_____ Orchard with and cream will salvage the performance Etonians halloing to one another across jeunesse dorée. this much class since Judi Dench’s from the inevitable. It will rain. the sprawl of picnic rugs at the Fourth Still, full marks for optimism and, stunning performance in 1962.” And so it did on Alexander Winter- of June. Victor (Johan Munir) and Elyot true to form, the sun came out as the Can we put that on the posters? botham’s production of Noël Coward’s (Alexander Owen) drawl their lines cast took their bows. Laura Freeman Are any of the other plays worth a gander, you ask? I have seen the  lm of Gigi so I have high hopes Wolfson Howler for it. If you don’t know it, think Lolita with Maurice Chevalier and Wolfson College, June 8th a happy ending. The History Boys  starts on Monday at Fitzwilliam, and is causing seemingly universal t the last Wolfson Howler of the tion by the end of the night. moulded to hilarious result. Despite excitement. Ayear, headliner Robin Ince deliv-  is exhaustion, however, cannot be lacking a certain endearing warmth You should be sure to catch the ered the incisive insights of a pensive solely credited to Ince, for before him in his delivery, Babar’s writing abil- Footlights in Wishful Thinking – political commentator with the unap- came four Cambridge student sup- ity – very much in the self-re exive, might be your last chance to see peasable excitement of a toddler a er porting acts and compere Ed Gamble. intellectual style exempli ed by Stewart some fantastic comedians, at least  ve double espressos. In his 45-minute Cheeky, con dent and cheerfully witty, Lee – is in little doubt. Similarly, Rob until they inevitably reappear on comedic onslaught, he barely breathed the up-and-coming Gamble was the Carter’s delicious rap parody Sleazy our screens. Also on that day is a in between scores of anecdotes and true star of the support show as he Playa about a suburban lothario was piece of new writing called Fair observations as the speed of his thought created an instant rapport with the pure bottled comedy. Youth, which spins a modern tale and the speed of his speech seemed to Wolfson crowd. His genuine glee of Unfortunately, the same cannot be of romance around Shakespeare’s constantly accelerate past each other performing in front of a packed room said for Harry Winstanley’s keyboard- sonnets. I won’t lie, it sounds a to an odd e ect by which he seemed was infectious and his inter-act ri ng supported act which quickly became little bit wet to me: “three friends, like man possessed by his own self. Al- with certain lucky audience members tiresome due to a kind of misguided all desperately seeking to hold though never quite reducing the crowd got many of the biggest laughs of the self-re exive short-circuit whereby onto those moments of magic to uproarious explosions to match his night. barely a single sentence could be deliv- that make up the sunshine of life. own mania as he ranted about the BNP,  e Cambridge acts themselves var- ered without a predictable self-referen- Can they stop them from slipping right-wing media and whatever else ied enormously in success.  e  rst and tial preamble or appendix to boot. Simi- away?” But it will be interesting to popped into his head, Ince’s inimitable most impressive student of the night larly stilted, although unintentionally, see how writers Milo Harries and likableness, consistently hilarious social was stand-up Dannish Babar whose were Lucien Young and James Moran Sam Stamp have adapted the son- deconstructions and natural comic  air political invective against the BNP, who, oddly for a double-act, had little nets. Pascal Porcheron was more than enough to reduce the existential musings and self-deroga- chemistry with each other let alone audience to laughter-induced exhaus- tory lyrical waxing were meticulously with the audience. James Wan

A GUEST AT HUGHES’ HALL SAID: “It wasn’t burlesque. Burlesque is supposed to be suggestive, this was just girls running around in pants.” At a Ball? Text ‘Varsity’ + your thoughts to 07797 800 300* Monday June 15th 2009 Reviews Editor: Tom Morris varsity.co.uk [email protected] Reviews 13

Food and Drink Five tips for ludicrous May REVIEWS Week indulgence

Relapse Eminem Interscope Records, out now  ay Week is, to put it simply, a week of excess. The average uess who’s back! Back again! No, addiction. ‘Bagpipes from Baghdad’ might be forced to pop a cheeky cap in Mreveller will consume a staggering Gwait. Back, again, again! After makes excellent use of bagpipe samples his derriere! 100 million units of alcohol. This a four year sabbatical, Eminem has in the backing track and ‘Old Times Complaints aside, Relapse is a is a fair amount, and indeed more returned with his sixth studio album, Sake’ is a funky-as-anything hark-back testimony to why Eminem is the best than the recommended 2-3 daily Relapse. Rarely does one get to glimpse to ‘Forgot about Dre’ that is toe tap- white rapper out there and while his for women and 3-4 for men. Such into the mind of a madman, and pingly, guilt trippingly good fun. This no-holes-barred approach to voic- indulgence, whichever delights are seldom one as lyrically gifted as Mar- is not to say that Relapse is all sunshine ing whatever messed up thoughts run sampled to wash the liquid down, shall Bruce Mathers III. Unluckily for and daffodils; Eminem still doggedly through his mind certainly raises your will begin to get to you down by Eminem, during his stint on ‘time out’, tries to cause offence at almost any eyebrows, he does it with such finesse at least day two. Think about what the rapper has suffered from a relapse opportunity; the misogyny hasn’t gone, that it’s difficult not to enjoy. that’s going to be like by week 6… into alcoholism and multiple addic- the obsession with rape persists and the Of course, if you’re the sort of person tions to sleeping pills and painkillers. wince inducing homophobia is almost who spells ‘rap’ with a ‘c’ then move 1. Berocca - This stuff cannot be Luckily for us, he’s back to his tortured worse then before. The single ‘We made right along, there’s nothing to see here. hyped about enough. A little orange best with a bevy of his trademark strait- you’ is especially bad, with offensive If, however, you’re willing to indulge tablet surely shouldn’t be legal. I from-the-heart, tell-it-like-it-seems lyrics, terrible pacing and a complete in the tasteless, playful and, at times, hear it also mixes well with cham- autobiographical rap numbers. failure to understand the concepts of brutally earnest lyrical stylings of Math- pagne, a saviour for those early ‘Deja Vu’ gives a painfully consid- ‘beginning’, ‘middle’ and ‘end’. The rap- ers, he has relapsed into his best album morning drinking society boozy ered account of drug addiction and per seems to have lost his ability to use since the grammy award winning breakfasts and can always be passed ‘My Mum’ gives a playful but painfully standardized vowels and if he rhymes Marshall Mathers LP. Duncan Stibbard off as bucks-fizz. It also has exciting considered account of... well... drug ‘Dr. Dre’ with ‘N.W.A.’ one more time, I Hawkes effects on your pee. Nice.

2. VKs - Chances are you’ve been to Terminator: Salvation your last ‘clubbing’ night out in the ‘Bridge, and it would be a save bet Dir. McG that last night’s Cindies, Life or Fez extravaganza (lets face we flit be- Starring: Christian Bale tween the three) was heavily fuelled  on the fluorescent delights that are Vodka Kicks (VKs). The average he first three Terminator films all They were set in the present, and made would make it a decent silent movie. ner exactly where they want him, in a boozer will spend in the region of had a fairly simple premise – evil disciplined use of a limited array of cool Unfortunately, it’s not. Instead we get an factory full of terminators, how many do £300 per year at Cambridge on VKs Trobot from the future comes back to special effects coupled with moments unending, deafening barrage of robotic they send to kill him. One. Do they suc- alone, based on official stats. L.A.D. try and kill some good-looking people, of fish-out-of-water humour, and a few groans, explosions and crashes that ceed? No. When Terminators do decide Everyone likes caffeine and sugar while the humans in the future send good one-liners from the Governa- make sitting in the cinema a punish- to terminate someone, they don’t use highs and I never say no to a bout back a nice guy/robot to protect them. tor. Terminator 4 is something very ing experience. I read somewhere that their clever robot brains to shoot them, of heart-palpitation. different. This time we’re given a look at American interrogators in Iraq use the instead they just throw them repeatedly mankind’s post-apocalyptic future, and theme from Sesame Street played on a against walls, or else randomly shoot at 3. Full English - Branded by the it’s bleaker than a Caius formal. There is loop at very high volume to drive prison- all nearby objects in the hope that one of Brewers dictionary of Phrase and no humour, no emotion, no humanity, ers into submission. Presumably they’ll them is a person. Sigh. Fable as “a substantial breakfast of just motorcycles with guns on the side shortly be making some ‘upgrades’. On the whole, the cast turn in serv- sundry sorts of good things to eat and robots who inexplicably wear shoes. It also seems that Skynet is being iceable performances, but since there is and drink”, the saying “a moment Christian Bale is an angry young man, run by the same artificial intelligence no emotion or character development, on the lips is a lifetime on the hips” with a voice that sounds like gravel in that powers a Tamagotchi. The machines ‘performing’ mostly just involves shout- should not put you off, it’s a sure a coffee grinder, and an expression of spend a good portion of the film trying ing orders at each other. Overall, the fire way to a clear head. Tatties is near-permanent fury. to capture Kyle Reese (the guy who is director, McG, has produced a film so a steal at £4.95, and Auntie’s hash Visually, Terminator works well. sent back to protect Sarah Conner in the desolate that you begin to wonder if the browns are the best in town. Chase Washed-out colours, decent special original film), and when they do, do they Terminator’s true target was the audi- it down with a decent coffee. I’d effects, and some clever camera work kill him? No. When they have John Con- ence. Tom Morris suggest Illy, sold at Sainsbury’s for £5.29 a pot. Alternatively there’s a regular stall at the market that Crossed Wires stocks a range of unusual roasts. Rosy Thornton 4. Jelly - I debated whether to put this in. Memories of last year’s Headline Review, out now wrestling debacle at the Wyvern’s  garden party and no doubt some- thing sinister yesterday could well his is the story of how Mina and Pe- characters of the children are particu- and it is also satisfying to know the have put you off. Jelly, however, is ter’s very different lives cross paths larly well developed, behaving exactly whole story. On the other hand, some great. Mix with vodka or Pimm’s Twhen Peter, a Cambridge geography as any other kid does. The detail of one things are missed out. We are told that if you don’t feel you can stomach don, calls the call centre where Mina of Peter’s twins being left-handed and Mina has been to Cambridge before liquids and it doubles up as food. works to report an accident caused by the other right-handed, whereas Mina’s but didn’t see any of the colleges, this Two birds. swerving to avoid a cat. Their conversa- daughter is ambidextrous, seems to and the fact she is reluctant to tell Peter tion leaves such an impression on him represent the whole story and the happy this implies some further plot, that her 5. Champagne - If you’re going to that, when he next has a car accident, ending, as if all characters fit together. trip to Cambridge was perhaps not a Trinity this evening, be prepared. he asks for her at the call centre again. The characters of the adults are also well sightseeing one. However such myster- They have spent an obscene bubbly From then on their lives are shown to rounded, yet details about their physi- ies do not detract much from the rest of budget. Efficiency is everything at mirror each other’s. Both single parents, cal appearance are deliberately missed the story. Cambridge, and this is certainly a one child goes missing from each family, out in order to mimic their “meeting” Reading this as a Cambridge student time-effective way to get sloshed. and the parent of the other proves to be over the phone. Even the secondary is fine, yet the author does use terms like Cambridge Wine Merchants stock a valuable support. Coincidence follows characters are well developed. To do “supervision”, and says “Addenbrookes” a good range starting at a very coincidence right up until Mina is per- this without overloading the book with instead of hospital at one point, mak- reasonable £18.99. And if you’re suaded to go and see Peter. A meeting at description is particularly impressive. ing this a little inaccessible to a wider going for something a bit cheaper, his college, and the immediate friend- Apart from Mina and Peter’s conver- audience. This is more than just a bit of Sainsbury’s has a perfectly palatable ship between their children, completes sations by telephone, their lives continue light relief in the form of chick-lit; it is a own-brand cava for £4.12. the happy ever after. separately and the story is told in two heart-warming fairytale of real life with Caedmon Tunstall-Behrens Every attention is paid to detail. The halves. This allows the suspense to build a happy ever after. Nicole Baskerville

A guESt At RobInSon SAId: “Very good for £70. I liked the gypsy punk band.” »At a Ball? Text ‘Varsity’ + your thoughts to 07797 800 300* Monday June 15th 2009 14 Listings varsity.co.uk Varsity may Week

Theatre Balls Art & Classical Garden Parties Film

History Boys Trinity May Ball May Week Concert The Dial Garden Party Looking for Eric The Grove Lawn, Fitzwilliam Col- These Trinity catz have been doing King’s College Chapel: 7pm (£10-£15, Private Garden (alternatively, Presi- Arts Picturehouse: 12.00 (daily lege: 6.30pm (£4 students -£6 other). this Ball lark for over 100 years, dur- available from King’s Porters’ Lodge, dent’s Lodge in case of rain), Queens’ except Wed), 14.20, 18.50, 21.20 If you can face the journey up the hill ing which time they’ve learnt how to The Shop at Kings or on the door). College: 6pm-7.30pm. Vue: 12.00, 14.45, 17.30, 20.15 with that Suicide Sunday hango- do it well. The programme includes Haydn, 100 beautiful handmade copies of the Steve Evets plays a down-and-out ver still dutifully banging at your Puccini, Wagner and Albrechtsberg- May Week edition of The Dial will postman who seeks existential advice temples, you’ll be rewarded by an Jesus May Ball: Oz er, with strawberries and champagne be distributed at the party - surely from Eric Cantona, obviously. Shot outdoor performace of Alan Ben- This is not about Australia. There served on King’s backs after the reason enough to go. in Manchester, and filled with good- nett’s award-winning comedy about might be a yellow brick road. concert. natured humour, Ken Loach’s latest unruly, sex-obsessed sixth formers Science Society Garden Party film could well be worth a watch. and staffroom politics. Clare May Ball: The Forbidden City Chamber Organ Inaugural Recital Sidney Sussex Fellows’ Garden: The Forbidden City (pictured below) Pembroke College Chapel: 6pm 11am-3pm (£2 members, £5 non- Terminator Salvation Cambridge Comedy Festival used to be smack bang in the middle (free). members). Vue: 11.45, 12.30, 14.30, 15.15, The Junction: 2pm (£8 for one of the of Beijing but not anymore. Come and enjoy some May Week Hosted by SciSoc, BioSoc, PhysSoc, 17.15, 18.15 (Wed/Thurs) 20.00, evening’s shows and £12 for both). music, with drinks following the The Archimedians and the Triple 21.00, 22.45 (Wed), 23.45 (Wed/ The Cambridge Comedy Festival of- concert. Helix. Don’t forget your membership Thurs) fers “50 shows, 11 days and 4 venues” cards! Christian Bale is repeatedly thrown and tonight Sarah Millican and Gandhi’s Children, a film directed against things by robots, while look- Richard Herring grace the stage. by David MacDougall AFC Garden Party ing angry and shouting at nearby The Arts Picturehouse: 2.30pm- Newnham Gardens, Sidgewick Av- humans. If you enjoy LOUD NOISES Wishful Thinking - Footlights Tour 5.45pm (tickets £5.50-£6.40, avail- enue: 12pm-2pm. and boredom then why not try walk- Show 2009 able through the Picturehouse) AFC stands for Archaeology Field ing next to a motorway for two hours ADC Theatre: 7.45pm (£6-£8) Club. ‘Nuff Said. instead. Don’t miss the Footlights on home A Dollar and a Dream ground before they take their new Robinson College, Umni Theatre: Pembroke Music Society Garden Red Cliff show to Edinburgh. Previous Tours 8pm -10pm. Party Arts Picturehouse: 13.30, 17.00, have produced many a famous This event could provide the much- Fellows’ Garden, Pembroke College: 20.15 face and this year promises to be as needed addition of sobriety to your (£4): 2pm - 5pm. John Woo’s latest is the most expen- hilarious and popular as ever with May Week diary. Meghan Horvath’s This event offers an afternoon of live sive Asian film ever made. Centred performances earlier in the week film will be screened alongside a jazz and harp music from well- on the epic battle of Red Cliffs at the selling out. photography exhibition and a panel known string quartets and choirs. end of the Chinese Han Dynasty, it discussion on the US elections. Plus a Plus Strawberries and Pimms, as has been praised for its epic scale and reception with American wine. always. tight choreography. Thankfully, it’s finally made its way to the UK.

EDINBURGH FESTIVAL 2009 Festival Flats have a large number of good properties available in the heart of Edinburgh, all within walking distance of the various venues

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a guest at peterhouse said: “You struggle to see where your £130 went, but who cares?” » At a Ball? Freetext your thoughts to 60340. Monday June 15th 2009 Write for Varsity Sport: varsity.co.uk [email protected] Sport 15

Imran View of the River Coomaraswamy Sport Comment Continued from back page Raking Over e Ashes As it happens, it takes me about forty- ve minutes to drink a pint, he wait is almost over. In just a England’s rst defeat on home soil weren’t expected to win any games.” the next Ashes series Down Under. so when I’d seen the next lot come few weeks’ time, Andrew Strauss had prompted the Sporting Times to  e days of Oxbridge and the Public McLaren would probably end up re- past for the rst time I popped Tand Ricky Ponting will walk out for print its now famous mock obituary Schools monopolising English cricket signing a er a 3-2 series loss to Kenya, back inside for my second. Again, the toss at Sophia Gardens in Cardi , of English cricket, it was Bligh who are – quite rightly – now long gone. but England would still be able to board just as I was ordering, a chorus of and we’ll nally be able to tuck into the led the touring team that set sail for Which brings me back to the Ashes that plane to Oz. Pretty much the only cheers went up from the riverside. main course of this summer’s extrava- Australia, declaring that he intended today.  e thing is, depending on how circumstances in which the invita- I can only assume that the students gant feast of cricket – the Ashes.  is “to recover those Ashes.” And recover you look at it, the battle for the urn is tion would get rescinded are if the UK wished to show their approval at my time around, there are some unfa- them he jolly well did. His personal either the greatest contest in sport, or government introduces an apartheid choice of tipple. I got out just about miliar items on the Aussie side of the contribution? Just 33 runs in 3 Tests, a ludicrously glori ed old boys’ match. regime, Robert Mugabe gets elected quick enough to see the boats com- menu. While the tourists are con dent PM, or Ricky Ponting hears that Gary ing back. I assume they were fewer that these fresh ingredients will spice Pratt is going to be included in the tour- because some of them had capsized. up their team, the home side are aware ing party.  e leaves still confused me. that the likes of Hughes, Haddin and ‘‘Australia are trying desperately to hang You’ve probably gathered by now  e process continued all a er- Siddle clearly lack the seasoning of the that I don’t attach as much importance noon; beer a er beer supped very men they have replaced. As a brand to Ashes series as the average pundit pleasantly by the water and each new chapter of Ashes history begins, on at the top a er a change in personnel” does. Don’t get me wrong – I still think time I emerged re lled from the bar England will fancy their chances of they’re brilliant, just in nitely more so just in time to see the boats racing, regaining the urn. when the mantle of being the world’s slowly, back upstream. Flip through earlier chapters of that best is at stake, as was the case four Finally at ten to six, as I sat, full history and you notice that a number but plenty of damned ne a er-dinner As staging a Test match World Cup is years ago.  at series was the spectacu- ninth pint clutched between sun- of Cambridge men gure prominently. speeches, no doubt. Curiously enough, utterly unfeasible, we have a situation lar culmination of a systematic assault blushed ngers and the last few Mike Atherton (Downing 1986-89), Bligh’s original plan was to assemble where beating the old enemy seems to on Test cricket’s summit. In compari- boats made their way unimpres- the most recent CUCC Captain to a touring XI comprised solely of his matter above all else. Purportedly the son, “Botham’s Ashes” were mere bick- sively towards the nish, it dawned go on to skipper England, took part old Cambridge mates. Evidently, this pinnacle of the game, it’s like a nal in erings at base camp, at a time when the on me: Clearly ‘bumps’ refers to in some epic Ashes battles but sadly plan never came to fruition, but it was which the nalists are not chosen on West Indies stood well and truly on top bumping into trees.  at’s why the never tasted success. Mike Brearley not quite as bonkers as it may sound merit. In the last issue of Varsity, one of the world. Today, the not-so-mighty lea er boats got more cheers, having (St John’s 1960-68) had better luck, now. His mates happened to be pretty of the Sports Editors touched upon and ever-so-slightly-frozen West Indies bumped into more trees and not famously masterminding a Botham- handy. As a fresher, Bligh had been Britain’s excellence at inventing sports have been brushed aside by an England capsized, which is obviously the inspired comeback in 1981. To nd part of Cambridge’s greatest ever team, and exporting them to the rest of the side that appears to have halted its aim of the race. Satis ed that I had Cambridge’s most signi cant contribu- which won all 8 matches it played in world, only for the rest of the world to own freefall, while Australia are trying solved the riddle of the bumps, I tor to Ashes history, however, you have the summer of 1878, thrashing Oxford then dominate them, corrupt them or desperately to hang on at the top a er polished o my pint, donned my cap to turn to the very rst volume, dated and beating the touring Australians by completely reinvent them. Well, Ashes a change in personnel. I’m sure it’ll be and meandered my way homewards 1882.  erein lies the tale of the very an innings. How times have changed. cricket is in some sense an exception a great contest this summer – gripping along the towpath, at a leisurely blighter who rst brought the urn When interviewed by Varsity earlier to this. Even if the England cricket if not glorious. I can’t wait for it to get pace. back to Old Blighty – the Honourable this term, Mike Atherton admitted team appointed Steve McLaren as head underway. But the most important Ivo Bligh (Trinity 1877-81). A er that during his stint at Cambridge, “we coach, they couldn’t fail to qualify for prize in cricket? If you say so. College Catch-up May Bumps Results 2009 Cuppers’ Cricket  e weather always seemed likely Start MEN’S DIVISION 1/2 Finish Start WOMEN’S DIVISION 1/2 Finish to play a part as Jesus and Caius walked out onto the Fenner’s pitch First and Third First and Third Pembroke Pembroke under heavy cloud cover.  is match Lady Margaret Caius Jesus Jesus was supposed to be the overture to Jesus Jesus Emmanuel Caius the second Varsity 20:20, which was sadly cancelled due to rain. Caius Lady Margaret Caius Emmanuel Chris Jones and Frankie Brown Queens’ Pembroke Girton Downing padded up and strolled purpose- St Catharine’s Downing Lady Margaret Lady Margaret fully to the centre to face the Caius opening bowlers. Downing Queens’ Newnham Christ’s A er a slow start against their Trinity Hall Trinity Hall Clare Girton pace attack, Chris Jones was the Pembroke Clare Downing First and Third rst to get going. Driving comfort- ably through the covers, he seemed Churchill St Catharine’s First and Third Newnham to be marching towards an inevita- Clare Fitzwilliam Christ’s Clare bl  y. Getting impatient on 43, he stepped up the wicket to play a big Emmanuel Magdalene Trinity Hall Magdalene stroke and was caught by a fuller Fitzwilliam Churchill Queens’ Queens’ ball which struck him on the front First and Third II Emmanuel Magdalene Churchill pad. Being that far out of his crease, he ought to have been safe, but the Christ’s First and Third II Jesus II St. Catharine’s umpire had a di erent opinion and Magdalene Christ’s King’s Trinity Hall li ed his nger. Robinson King’s Churchill Jesus II  e partnership may have been ended but by this stage Brown was Lady Margaret II Robinson Peterhouse King’s well into his stride too. As he cut Selwyn Lady Margaret II St. Catharine’s Peterhouse and drove the ball to all areas of the eld, his support started to collapse. Caius II Peterhouse Darwin Pembroke II An easy-looking 55 helped Jesus to King’s Selwyn Pembroke II Selwyn a total of 143, a very competitive Peterhouse Downing II Selwyn Darwin score on a big pitch. One particular Caius bowler Downing II Girton Emmanuel II Anglia Ruskin put in a sterling e ort to skittle his Anglia Ruskin Caius II Anglia Ruskin Lady Margaret II tail and prevent any further runs, Wolfson Darwin Robinson Robinson walking away with an impressive six-wicket haul. Girton Jesus II Fitzwilliam Homerton In the interval, however, the Eng- Darwin Anglia Ruskin Lady Margaret II Emmanuel II lish weather turned, predictably, for the worse. As the rain increased, the Emmanuel II Homerton Homerton Sidney Sussex game was called o completely in Jesus II Wolfson Murray Edwards Fitzwilliam the hope of making more time for Homerton St. Edmund’s Sidney Sussex Murray Edwards the main event. As Caius didn’t get a chance to bat at all, there wasn’t Corpus Christi Queens’ II Downing II Downing II even the possibility of working out St Edmund’s Emmanuel II Corpus Christi Clare II a Duckworth-Lewis score. Sidney Sussex Sidney Sussex Girton II Corpus Christi Hopefully it will be replayed later this week and if so, we will try to Queens’ II Selwyn II Caius II Caius II keep you posted on the latest news. Monday June 15th 2009 varsity.co.uk/sport

Full Bumps Sport results on page 15 VARSITY MATCH RUNNING TOTAL: CAMBRIDGE 20, OXFORD 17. NEXT UP: CRICKET, TENNIS, CYCLING

View of the river Jimmy Pickles Bump and Grind JET PHOTOGRAPHIC

May Week In which Jimmy sees three ships come sailing in...

I’ve heard of these bumps things before and had always imagined some sort of watery rollercoaster. When I discovered they were races powered by oars, I was understand- ably intrigued. I woke up early on Saturday morning, trimmed my whiskers, picked up my rake and headed towards the river. Crowds gathered around me on the mead- ows, and people started to pitch tents. I asked a nice looking fellow in a red swimming hat whether I should’ve brought a sleeping bag, but he explained that the tents were for beer and barbeques, not beds. Soon there was a real buzz in the air, which I attribute largely to the thick clouds of Fen ies hover- ing aimlessly around my face. As the sun started to bake my brow, I caught my  rst glimpse of a boat, coming towards Fen Ditton. Populated by nine delightful- looking young ladies, it seemed to be going at a rather leisurely pace. A few more went by, some of them even stopping to take a thoroughly Head of the river First and undeserved breather in front of the ird push on past the cheering crowds. Not wanting to meadows appear a fool, I cheered along with them, though it didn’t seem very competitive. But then, they always send out the slower ones  rst and leave the real excitement for later. » First and third stay on top of M1to cap a very successful year on the river When no boats had passed for a while, I decided it was time for » Pembroke and Jesus battle it out for women’s Head of the River some ‘light refreshment’. I suppose it must have been about eleven spoons a er slipping to the foot of the day before. Varsity Sport o’clock when I stepped into a ga- the league on Saturday. is, how- Arguably the most exciting mo- zebo to get a drink. A er a bit of a May Bumps is always as much social ever, is an unfair re ection of the ment of the day came when Jesus, chinwag with the surly barkeeper, event as a sporting one. is year strength of the Trinity squad. LMB and Downing found them- Steve, I started eyeing up the beer was no di erent. As the old boys At the top of the women’s league, selves getting congested coming selection. Suddenly, as I ordered a lined the riverbanks witht their As- Catz, Christ’s and Downing all got through Fen Ditton. As the Jesus pint of golden ale, there was an al- ton Martins and vintage Jags, the blades, while Pembroke sealed an boys nervously watched their backs, mighty roar from the bank behind atmosphere was boozy, mellow and impressive week by resisting pres- Downing crept up on Johns and a me. Knowing that the races were hot. By the time the racing got un- sure from the Jesus girls to hold bump seemed inevitable coming forty- ve minutes apart, I thought derway, the sun was already beating onto their place at the head of the round the corner past the paddock. nothing of it: I had plenty of time down on a multitude of eager on- river. But the Downing cox mistimed the before the next one started. lookers. e men’s races were a little more charge and found himself in the A couple of minutes a er I re- In the lower divisions there was, eventful. Division two was incred- wrong line as LMB crept inside, emerged, I saw some of the boats as always, much more movement ibly tight, with nobody receiving missing the nudge by inches. coming back down the river, at the up and down the leagues. Sidney blades at all. Perhaps the most im- First and ird predictably same leisurely pace, only this time Sussex womens third boat had a pressive performance came from dominated the top division, though some of them had leaves all over great week, moving up a total of the Jesus seconds. Timing their race Caius had raced well throughout them. Nobody had told me that eleven places. Hughes Hall’s men’s to perfection, they bumped Anglia the week. It has been another bril- they raced both ways, but I suppose seconds did almost as well, propel- Ruskin right in front of their own liant year from the boys in yellow I was lucky not to have missed ling themselves up into the   h di- crowds, having held o the seem- hoops and they will be looking for- them. vision. First and ird sixths didn’t ingly unstoppable charge of the ward to getting back on the water Continued on page 15... do quite so well, receiving their Blue- lled boat from St Edmund’s next Lent.