Book by Flip Kobler and Cindy Marcus Music by Dennis Poore Lyrics by Flip Kobler

The mirror frame can be a decorated ﬂ at or ornamental full-size mirror with a hole or notch cut near the top for the actor’s face. Paint the actor’s face to match the gilding of the mirror. In the musical’s ﬁ nal scene, the MIRROR’S clothing can match the makeup when the character emerges from the mirror frame.

FOR A SIMPLER PRODUCTION To streamline your production, you may burn a customized production CD eliminating the incidental music you are not using. Also, you may choose to not perform the more complicated back-up vocals in various songs. Make the musical your own with whatever tricks you have up your creative sleeve!

Book by Flip Kobler and Cindy Marcus Music by Dennis Poore Lyrics by Flip Kobler

Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that a royalty must be paid for every performance, whether or not admission is charged. All inquiries regarding rights should be addressed to Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., PO Box 4267, Englewood, CO 80155.

All rights to this musical—including but not limited to amateur, professional, radio broadcast, television, motion picture, public reading and translation into foreign languages—are controlled by Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., without whose permission no performance, reading or presentation of any kind in whole or in part may be given.

These rights are fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America and of all countries covered by the Universal Copyright Convention or with which the United States has reciprocal copyright relations, including Canada, Mexico, Australia and all nations of the United Kingdom.

COPYING OR REPRODUCING ALL OR ANY PART OF THIS BOOK IN ANY MANNER IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN BY LAW.

On all programs, printing and advertising, the following information must appear: 1. The full name of the musical 2. The full name of the playwrights and composer/arranger 3. The following notice: “Produced by special arrangement with Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., Englewood, Colorado”

46 PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS BEST OF BOTH WORLDS BROUGHT ON, Scene Nine: Tissues (OPAL) Book by FLIP KOBLER and CINDY MARCUS Music by DENNIS POORE ONSTAGE, Scene Ten: High school hallway set. Lyrics by FLIP KOBLER ONSTAGE, Scene Eleven: Fairy-tale classroom set. BROUGHT ON, Scene Eleven: CAST OF CHARACTERS Pail (JILL) # of lines Fruits stuck on his fi ngers (JACK HORNER) FAIRY-TALE CAST Finger bandages (ROSAMOND) WOODSMAN ...... wants to be a hero 131 Apple (SNOW WHITE) CINDERELLA ...... in love with the prince 36 ONSTAGE, Scene Twelve: Janitor’s closet door frame. MAGDA ...... Cinderella’s wicked stepsister 63 ONSTAGE, Scene Thirteen: High school dance decorations including PETRA ...... her other wicked stepsister; 52 banners, streamers, balloons, disco ball. not quite as mean as Magda BROUGHT ON, Scene Thirteen: ROSAMOND ...... the sleeping beauty 27 Hairpin (MAGDA) Sword, vial of antidote (ROSAMOND) PRINCE CHARMING ...... in love with Cinderella 17 ONSTAGE, Scene Fourteen: One platform that fi lls the entire stage. LITTLE RED ...... the one with the riding hood 27 GOLDILOCKS ...... picky porridge-eater 4 BROUGHT ON, Scene Fourteen: Stack of index cards (GLORIA) SNOW WHITE ...... the fairest of them all 10 Mop and bucket (MAGDA) HANSEL ...... not a crummy guy 6 JACK HORNER ...... gives fruit a thumbs up 3 SOUND EFFECTS GRETEL ...... has a thing for gingerbread 8 Frying pan bonk, clock-tower chimes striking midnight. Since these RUMPELSTILTSKIN ...... say his name, say his name 6 sound effects are best performed live, most are not included on the RAPUNZEL ...... has lots of hair 22 CD. In the song, “Sky is Falling,” however, there are various sound effects included on the recording: slide whistle, crash, echoing voice, JILL ...... Jack’s non-truant sister 5 wolf whistle, pig snort, paper ripping, insane giggle, toilet fl ushing, MARY MARY ...... quite contrary 4 cartoony slipping sound, cartoony “woogity” sound. If you’re not using GABLE ...... headmaster of fairy-tale school 59 the recording, all of these sound effects are optional. MIRROR ...... punished for crossing over into 17 reality COSTUMES OPTIONAL CHORUS ...... for example, MARY and her The REALITY CAST should be clad in typical modern-day dress lamb, PINNOCHIO, GEPPETO, appropriate to each character’s role. Dress the FAIRY-TALE CAST BO PEEP, TOM THUMB, PIED PIPER, according to the traditional tales. WOODSMAN carries a small hatchet other PRINCES, VILLAINS, etc. in his belt. In Scene Five, MAGDA and PETRA are dressed in modern, REALITY CAST stylish clothes, including sunglasses. MAGDA now sports a stylish DANICA...... hard-core realist running for 117 tiara. In Scene Eight, LITTLE RED needs to be wearing bandages and class president walking with crutches. Later in Scene Eleven, ROSAMOND should have bandages around her fi ngers. In Scene Thirteen, CINDERELLA, LITTLE GLORIA ...... shy, awkward candidate for 21 RED and ROSAMOND are dressed more modernly, having broken the class president bonds of their traditional roles. SADIE ...... mean girl 43

ii 45 For preview only PRODUCTION NOTES MERCY ...... head of the department of 9 redundancy department PROPERTIES CLEMENCY ...... annoyed by Mercy 12 ONSTAGE, Scene One: Fairy-tale classroom set. BULL ...... mean dude 20 BROUGHT ON, Scene One: HAP ...... Bull’s crony 13 Triangle (GABLE) SLIM ...... another crony 13 Pencil (WOODSMAN) Plum (JACK HORNER) IRVING...... another, but thinks for himself 22 Old-fashioned knapsacks, books (FAIRY TALE STUDENTS) TAG ...... student graffi ti artist 4 Hand mirror (PRINCE) SPATTER ...... student fi ne artist 2 Extra books (CINDERELLA) RANDY ...... snarky student art critic 3 Class register (GABLE) MELVIN ...... nerd 6 ONSTAGE, Scene Two: Headmaster’s offi ce set, rag, frying pan, chalk, STAN ...... his nerd buddy 4 personal chalkboards, three dunce caps. OPAL ...... his other nerd buddy 3 ONSTAGE, Scene Three: Janitor’s closet door frame, high school SHRIEK ...... everything freaks him out 4 hallway set, trash can. TERRY ...... detention detainee 8 BROUGHT ON, Scene Three: Yu-gi-oh cards, tissues (STAN, MELVIN) TJ...... Terry’s cohort 4 Can of spray paint (TAG) PRINCIPAL LEWIS ...... wants students to like him but 23 Books, notebooks, backpacks (REALITY CAST) his style repels them Stack of index cards (GLORIA) OPTIONAL CHORUS ...... as DETENTION DETAINEES, ONSTAGE, Scene Four: Headmaster’s offi ce set. MEAN GIRLS, NERDS, CHEERLEADERS, JOCKS, etc. ONSTAGE, Scene Five: High school hallway set, ballot box on table, board game. FLEXIBLE CASTING BROUGHT ON, Scene Five: Several characters can be played male or female, including MIRROR, Ballot forms (SADIE, DANICA) RUMPELSTILTSKIN, GABLE, TERRY, TJ, TAG, SPATTER, RANDY, MELVIN, ONSTAGE, Scene Six: Fairy-tale classroom set. STAN, OPAL and PRINCIPAL LEWIS. BROUGHT ON, Scene Six: Triangle (GABLE) SET DESCRIPTION Old-fashioned knapsacks, books (FAIRY TALE STUDENTS) The set represents two different worlds: fairy-tale land and reality at Pencil (RUMPELSTILTSKIN) Validity High School. While our story bounces back and forth between ONSTAGE, Scene Seven: High school hallway set (with hatchet in the two, set changes are a snap if you have a distinct backdrop for each. locker). The fairy-tale classroom set has old-fashioned chairs or benches BROUGHT ON, Scene Seven: CENTER STAGE to represent a classroom. The headmaster’s offi ce can Ballot forms (DANICA) be represented EXTREME DOWN RIGHT with a desk and chair, three ONSTAGE, Scene Eight: Fairy-tale classroom set. more chairs and a large mirror frame (see costuming production notes). BROUGHT ON, Scene Eight: The reality set for Validity High School shows the main hallway CENTER Triangle (GABLE) STAGE, represented by a set of lockers and a sign that reads “SENIOR Crutches, head bandage (LITTLE RED) DANCE TONIGHT.” The high school principal’s offi ce can be depicted EXTREME DOWN LEFT with a desk and two chairs. Another hallway ONSTAGE, Scene Nine: High school detention room with desks, chairs. leading to the janitor’s closet is played before the curtain and only requires a self-standing door frame with a door labeled “JANITOR.” 44 iii For preview only A platform UPSTAGE can be used throughout the play to add visual 1 Best of both worlds. (Now WOODSMAN REAPPEARS, right behind variety. For instance, with the addition of chairs and tables or desks, DANICA, in her world.) it can become the high school detention hall. For the high school WOODSMAN: (Speaks.) Hi. dance scene, the platform might be decorated with streamers, a DANICA: (Turns and sees him.) You’re here! (He opens his arms and she disco ball, etc. 5 hugs him, then looks into his eyes. Speaks.) My hero. BOTH CASTS: (Sing.) Best of both worlds! (LIGHTS FADE, CURTAIN.) SYNOPSIS OF SCENES END OF MUSICAL Scene One: Classroom in fairy-tale land, once upon a time. MUSIC CUE 6a: “Curtain Call/Exit Music.” Scene Two: Headmaster’s offi ce in fairy-tale land, after school that day. Scene Three: High school hallway near the janitor’s closet in reality (played in front of the curtain), one Friday morning. Scene Four: Headmaster’s offi ce in fairy-tale land, the same day. Scene Five: High school hallway, still that Friday. Scene Six: Fairy-tale classroom, a couple days later as fairy-tale time goes. Scene Seven: High school hallway, later that Friday. Scene Eight: Fairy-tale classroom, another new day. Scene Nine: High school detention room, still Friday afternoon. Scene Ten: High school hallway, the same. Scene Eleven: Fairy-tale classroom, later that day. Scene Twelve: High school hallway near the janitor’s closet (played in front of the curtain), later Friday. Scene Thirteen: High school dance, Friday night. Scene Fourteen: Near the janitor’s closet in reality; then a split stage showing both the fairy-tale classroom and the high school hallway.

iv PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS 43 For preview only 1 BOTH CASTS: (Sing.) It’s the best of both worlds… SEQUENCE OF MUSICAL NUMBERS FAIRY-TALE CAST: (Sings.) …where the old fables become mysteries. TRACK MC SONG TITLE SINGERS PAGE BOTH CASTS: (Sing.) It’s the best of both worlds… 1 MC 1 Happily Ever After Fairy -Tale Cast 1 2 MC 1a Rosamond 1 Instrumental 2 5 REALITY CAST: (Sings.) Where the cold hard truth fi nds fantasy. 3 MC 1b Rosamond 2 Instrumental 4 FAIRY-TALE CAST: (Sings.) We tell our own tales. 4 MC 1c Hero’s Fanfare Instrumental 5 We can taste the great unknown. 5 MC 1d Mirror Awakes Instrumental 6 REALITY CAST: (Sings.) We can fi nd our own grails. 6 MC 1e The Portal Opens Instrumental 7 There’s more to this life than we’ve ever been shown. Another Day 7 MC 2 in High School Reality Cast 7 10 BOTH CASTS: (Sing.) Best of both worlds. (Now here’s a cool thing 8 MC 2a Scene Change Music Instrumental 12 if you happen to be using EXTRAS in the reality cast. GROUPS 9 MC 2b Enter the Mean Queens Instrumental 14 from both worlds occupy the same stage space. So the REALITY Magda, Petra, CHEERLEADERS are grouped with the PRINCESSES. The REALITY 10 MC 3 Queen of Mean Sadie, her Gang 15 JOCKS share the same stage area as the PRINCES. The VILLAINS 11 MC 3a Danica/Woodsman Instrumental 17 15 from both worlds all together. Life isn’t so far off from make-believe.) Connection 1 FAIRY-TALE CAST: (Sings.) 12 MC 3b Danica/Woodsman Instrumental 18 The world is turning, we’re fi nally learning Connection 2 A plot twist with every page. 13 MC 3c Scene Change Music Instrumental 18 PETRA: (Sings.) Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-oh. 14 MC 3d Rosamond 3 Instrumental 19 15 MC 3e Scene Change Music Instrumental 19 20 REALITY CAST: (Sings.) Woodsman, The clouds are leaving ’cause we’re believing 16 MC 4 Save the Day Danica, Terry, 20 This world is only a cage. Reality Chorus There’s another place beyond our view Danica/Woodsman Where rainbows never fade. 17 MC 4a Connection 3 Instrumental 22 25 TERRY: (Sings) Oh-whoa-oh-whoa-oh-whoa-oh. 18 MC 4b Scene Change Music Instrumental 23 FAIRY-TALE CAST: (Sings.) The rules that we’ve been shackled to 19 MC 4c Scene Change Music Instrumental 24 Are just the ones that we have made. (During this, WOODSMAN 20 MC 4d Freedom Rises Instrumental 25 fades OFFSTAGE.) 21 MC 4e Scene Change Music Instrumental 26 The Chase (and Portal BOTH CASTS: (Sing.) It’s the best of both worlds! 22 MC 4f Opens) Instrumental 28 30 REALITY CAST: (Sings.) 23 MC 4g Scene Change Music Instrumental 28 Where we’re not too old for make-believe. 24 MC 4h Rosamond 4 Instrumental 29 BOTH CASTS: (Sing.) It’s the best of both worlds. 25 MC 5 Sky Is Falling Fairy -Tale Cast 29 FAIRY-TALE CAST: (Sings.) The story’s what we choose to weave. 26 MC 5a Scene Change Music Instrumental 33 You can fi nd true romance, 27 SFX Dance Music Instrumental 33 28 MC 5b Danica’s Plea Instrumental 34 35 Find out who you really are. 29 MC 5c Scene Change Music Instrumental 36 REALITY CAST: (Sings.) If you can take a chance, The Exit (and Portal It’s straight on till mornin’ from that second star. 30 MC 5d Opens) Instrumental 38 FAIRY-TALE CAST: (Sings.) Best of both… 31 MC 5e The Mirror is Free Instrumental 39 BOTH CASTS: (Sing.) …worlds. 32 MC 6 Best of Both Worlds Ensemble 41 40 Best of both worlds. 33 MC 6a Curtain Call/ Instrumental 43 Best of both worlds. Exit Music

42 PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS v For preview only 1 STAN: There he is! (BULL goes running OFF. STAN and MELVIN give BEST OF BOTH WORLDS chase.) MELVIN: Bullll! Lord Kaiba has to stand and fi ght the wizards of Scene One Gorlack. Come back! 1 We open in a fairy-tale classroom. Our favorite fairy-tale characters are 5 STAN: Yeah, guy. Be fun! doing fairy-tale things. MUSIC CUE 1: “Happily Ever After.” BULL: (RE-ENTERS and races OFF the other direction with the NERDS FAIRY-TALE CAST: (Sings.) Once upon a time every morning, in pursuit.) Nosebleed! (DANICA and GLORIA cross to IRVING, who That’s just the fairy-tale way… has ENTERS with HAP and SLIM, now his henchmen, on his heels. 5 CINDERELLA: (Sings.) Our godmothers grant all our wishes. Meanwhile, PRINCE crosses to CINDERELLA. The tables have turned ROSAMOND: (Sings.) Forest creatures help with the dishes. 10 for PRINCE.) GIRLS: (Sing.) Princes come to us someday. (RAPUNZEL sighs.) PRINCE: I could have gone into reality. I could’ve been a hero. And I’m FAIRY-TALE CAST: (Sings.) Today is just like tomorrow, charming. So what’s the deal? The same as each yesterday. CINDERELLA: It’s not you. It’s me. (Pats his shoulder and walks away 10 PRINCE: (Sings.) Where a prince is ever so charming. (RAPUNZEL just as PETRA crosses to her.) giggles.) 15 PETRA: Irving. Don’t you think that’s a hero’s name? Irving the GUYS: (Sing.) And the death rate’s oh so alarming. Invincible. Or Irving the Incredible. RAPUNZEL: (Squeals.) Oooh. : How about Irving the MAGDA (ENTERS with a mop and bucket.) FAIRY-TALE CAST: (Sings.) It’s all make-believe anyway. Ignoramus? 15 Every day is full of adventure, PETRA: (Wheels on her.) What are you doing? Did you fi nish cleaning A journey into the known. 20 the bathroom? I want to see myself in that chamber pot. We already know how it will end. MAGDA: I’m not your slave. You can’t make me—ahh! (Runs OFF, Even when hope’s growing much dimmer, chased by PETRA.) The brothers’ tale is turning much grimmer, CINDERELLA: Classic. (They recede while IRVING, DANICA and GLORIA 20 It’s happily ever after once again! cross.) Each day is better than perfect, 25 DANICA: The fi rst draft was pretty good. Here straw gets spun into gold. HAP: Yeah. CINDERELLA: (Sings.) Marriage vows are made with glass slippers. SLIM: Yeah. FAIRY-TALE CAST: (Sings.) Emperors are turned into strippers. IRVING: You don’t have to like everything I do. I want your real opinion. 25 RAPUNZEL: (Speaks.) Yuck. HAP: Loved it. FAIRY-TALE CAST: (Sings.) It’s just how the tale unfolds. Every day is full of adventure, 30 SLIM: Loved it. A journey into the known. IRVING: Ach. Is that what you really think? Or are you just trying to SOLOISTS: (Sing.) Into the known. please me? 30 FAIRY-TALE CAST: (Sings.) We already know how it will end. GLORIA: I thought it was a great story. SOLOISTS: (Sing.) Know how it will end. SLIM: Great. FAIRY-TALE CAST: (Sings.) Everybody knows what their niche is… 35 HAP: Awesome. Heroes, villains or evil witches IRVING: Stop that! Find happily ever after once again. DANICA: Except for the ending. 35 PRINCE: (Sings.) SOLOISTS: (Sing.) IRVING: See? Thank you. An honest answer—wait. What’s wrong with Our world is full of music. Ahhhh ahh ahh the ending? ’Cause I can rewrite it. Spice it up a bit. What do you Our dreams can take you higher. Ahhhh ahh ahh think?

40 1 For preview only 1 PRINCE/CINDERELLA: (Sing.) SOLOISTS: (Sing.) 1 GLORIA: But I’m nobody. Our sweetness can make you sick Ahhhhhh ah DANICA: Nobody’s nobody. When you hear the choir. Ahhhhhh GLORIA: I need it written down. I need to know what’s supposed to LITTLE RED: (Sings.) Ahh ahhhhhhhh! (FAIRY-TALE CAST splits into two happen next. I can’t just make stuff up. 5 groups.) 5 DANICA: Sure you can. GROUP 1: (Sings.) Every day is full of adventure, GLORIA: But that’s not real. A journey we’ve taken before. DANICA: You’d be surprised. It’s just imagination. Believe and let the GROUP 2: (Sings.) We’ve done before. story unfold. GROUP 1: (Sings.) There’s no way the story can amend. GLORIA: (Closes her eyes and tries.) My fellow students. Today is the 10 GROUP 2: (Sings.) Can amend. 10 dawn… (Her voice fades as GABLE’S rises. DANICA nods, pleased. GROUP 1: (Sings.) GROUP 2: (Sings.) LIGHTS FADE on the TWO GIRLS and come up on the other half of When evil queens become eviler, Ooooh. the stage. [At some point during the following dialogue, REALITY ’Long as you remain a believer, HIGH SCHOOLERS ENTER in the darkness.] WOODSMAN is standing ALL: (Sing.) It’s happily ever after once again. UP CENTER also on the platform. GABLE is beside him. The FAIRY- 15 Happily ever after once again. (Song ends with GABLE ringing one of 15 TALE CHARACTERS are standing beneath, GABLE is in mid-speech.) those old-fashioned triangles. It’s a fairy-tale school bell. STUDENTS GABLE: …of a new day. Oh, my goodness. And what a new day. Mirror? scatter and begin to pull books from old-fashioned knapsacks on (MIRROR is rolled out. GABLE turns to WOODSMAN.) Are you sure sticks or from belts that hold them together. WOODSMAN is alone at this is what you want? I mean, you can have anything. Your own the back of the room, a hatchet slung through his belt. CINDERELLA story. Anything. 20 is carrying a heavy load of books. PRINCE admires himself in a hand 20 WOODSMAN: This IS my wish. mirror.) GABLE: Very well, then. (Looks at MIRROR.) Mirror, you’re free. (LIGHTS GOLDILOCKS: (Sits in a chair.) This chair is too hard. (Tries another FLASH. MUSIC CUE 5e: “The Mirror is Free.”) chair.) This chair is too soft. (Finds another.) Ahhhh, just right. MIRROR: (Steps out of the mirror frame. To WOODSMAN.) I’m free. I’m MAGDA: (Moves CENTER with PETRA and CINDERELLA.) Cinderella, free! This is me. I’ve got legs. I can jump. Oh, feet. I can run! 25 where are my books? 25 (Does, turning sharp and running right into the frame of the mirror, CINDERELLA: I have them right here, Magdalena. (Gives her the books. knocking himself cold. He hits the fl oor, prone.) Pause.) You are most kindly welcome. GABLE: Not very well, evidently. Oh, goodness me. PETRA: What now? ROSAMOND: Three cheers for Finn! CINDERELLA: Oh, I noticed Magda must’ve forgotten to thank me, but FAIRY-TALE CAST: Hip hip…. (Now LIGHTS COME UP on the other side 30 I wanted her to know she is mostly kindly welcome. (Starts to settle 30 of the stage and the HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS complete the cheer. into a chair.) Both sides of the stage are partying down. The HIGH SCHOOLERS MAGDA: And what do you think you are doing, pray? for the new high school president, the FAIRY TALERS for their new CINDERELLA: Just getting ready for class. heroes.) PETRA: This section is for the fairest of them all. The scullery section ENSEMBLE: …Hooray! (The two scenes go on simultaneously, neither 35 is yonder. 35 aware of the other.) MAGDA: Scull! Scull, scull, scull. (Dejectedly, CINDERELLA goes to the BULL: (Runs over and grabs GLORIA, pleading.) You can’t do this to me. far side of class while MAGDA and PETRA fl ank GOLDILOCKS. They GLORIA: Actually, I can. Article 17, paragraph four. Class presidents literally throw GOLDILOCKS out of the chair and MAGDA sits.) can proclaim punishment on fellow students. ROSAMOND: (Comes fl itting over into the room. MUSIC CUE 1a: BULL: I don’t want to do this. Expel me. Beat me. Stick needles in my “Rosamond 1.”) Oh, isn’t it a beautiful day. A most perfect day. The eyes. Anything but this.

2 PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS 39 For preview only 1 DANICA: Even if you go, no one will know. Nobody will ever even know 1 air is sweet, the birds are chirping and all the forest animals have who or what you are. helped me with all my chores. IRVING: Yes, they will. I’ll write it. I’ll write your story. GABLE: Good morning, glories. WOODSMAN: You? STUDENTS: Good morning, Headmaster. 5 IRVING: Hey, I might not be the Grimms or Hans Christian Andersen, 5 GABLE: Everyone, please take your seats. (They do.) Welcome to a but I have a way with words and there’s always the Internet. (BONG.) brand-new school year. (STUDENTS cheer.) I’m sure that this year ROSAMOND: Woodsman. will be just like last year. DANICA: That’s not his name. GABLE/THE CLASS: And the year before. And the year before. ROSAMOND: He has none. RAPUNZEL: (Raises her hand.) Ooh. Ooooh-oooh-ooooh. 10 DANICA: He does in this story, sister. (BONG.) Finn. It’s Gaelic. It 10 GABLE: Yes, Rapunzel? means hero. (They look into each other’s eyes and touch hands. RAPUNZEL: And the year before? BONG.) GABLE: Of course. Okay, my little sitting ducks, time to take roll. (Reads ROSAMOND: Finn. (Reluctantly our hero backs away, still holding from the class register.) Let’s start with our princesses. DANICA’S hand. Their fi ngers still reach for each other even after RAPUNZEL: Ooooh-oooh-ooooh. 15 the break. BONG. Then ROSAMOND and WOODSMAN step through 15 GABLE: Yes, Rapunzel? the door. IRVING EXITS. MUSIC CUE 5d: “The Exit.” LIGHTS FLASH. RAPUNZEL: Yay. LIGHTS FADE, leaving DANICA alone ONSTAGE in her own little POOL OF LIGHT, which FADES OUT. The stage clears in the blackness GABLE: Yay, indeed. Okay, Rapunzel is present. Rosamond? and DANICA slips through the curtain to make a quick and simple ROSAMOND: Here. 20 costume change (perhaps removing a layer). A SMALL POOL OF GABLE: Snow White? LIGHT SLOWLY RISES along with the CURTAIN, signaling a new day. 20 SNOW WHITE: Here. DANICA is now UP CENTER. The STAGE is bare except for a platform GABLE: Very good. Moving on to heroes. Prince Charming? UP CENTER, which DANICA is standing on. GLORIA ENTERS. She’s dressed in her everyday clothes. She’s fumbling with her ever- PRINCE: Here. I like your hair that way. 25 present index cards.) GABLE: Thank you. Hansel? GLORIA: Hey… ummmmm… (Reads from her cards.) Exciting, yesterday HANSEL: Guten tag. was. 25 GABLE: Jack Horner? DANICA: Yeah, Yoda, it was. JACK HORNER: Yo. (Gives a thumbs up with a plum stuck on his thumb.) GLORIA: Sorry, I got my cards mixed up. (Shuffl es madly.) Yesterday GABLE: Let’s see about our ingénues. Gretel? 30 was… exciting. Thanks for getting me elected. GRETEL: Here. DANICA: I think you’re going to be great. GABLE: Jill? GLORIA: Will you help? 30 JILL: Here. DANICA: (Liking that.) I could maybe throw out the odd suggestion. GABLE: Where’s your brother? GLORIA: No, I have lots of those. I need some GOOD suggestions. JILL: He had to see a man about a pail. 35 (SHRIEK comes rushing ONSTAGE toward them. The GIRLS FREEZE, GABLE: Mary Mary Quite Contrary? afraid he might scream again.) MARY MARY: No I’m not. SHRIEK: I am deeply pleased at the unexpected results of this election. (Walks OFF. The GIRLS do a double take.) 35 GABLE: Goldilocks? DANICA: Okay, let me hear your acceptance speech. (GLORIA rifl es GOLDILOCKS: Here. No, that’s too common. Present. No, that’s too impersonal. Hello. Yes, that’s just right. 40 through the cards, trying to put them in order.) No, no, forget the cards. Just be yourself. GABLE: Little Red?

38 PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS 3 For preview only 1 LITTLE RED: (Loud.) My, what a big “here” I’m saying. Scene Fourteen GABLE: Cinderella? 1 Outside the janitor’s closet in reality, in front of the curtain again. CINDERELLA: Here. SOUND EFFECT: CLOCK STRIKING MIDNIGHT as CINDERELLA, LITTLE MAGDA: (Coughs into her fi st.) Snob. RED, ROSAMOND, WOODSMAN, PETRA, MAGDA, IRVING and DANICA ENTER. 5 PETRA: (Coughs, too.) Stuck up. 5 CINDERELLA: Midnight. We have to go. See you at home. (Drags GABLE: Enough, ladies. Moving on to villains. Rumpelstiltskin? MAGDA OUT through the door. BONG.) RUMPELSTILTSKIN: How’d you know my name? Who told you? LITTLE RED: We have to go. GABLE: Wicked stepsisters? PETRA: No. We have plenty of time. MAGDA: Excuse me. It’s Magda. ROSAMOND: No. 10 PETRA: And Petrazula. Thank you. 10 PETRA: (To IRVING.) I’m sorry. I didn’t know. (BONG.) GABLE: Thank you. Okay, incidental characters. Woodsman? IRVING: Yeah, me either. Woodsman? (No answer. Spots him in the back of the room.) Woodsman. Why didn’t you answer? PETRA: I wish… WOODSMAN: I’m sorry. I was just thinking. Why don’t I have a name? IRVING: Me too. 15 GABLE: You do. Woodsman. LITTLE RED: My, what a big shame it is. Let’s go. (BONG. She and 15 PETRA step OUT through the door, leaving ROSAMOND, IRVING, WOODSMAN: No, that’s what I do. It’s not a name. DANICA and WOODSMAN ONSTAGE.) GABLE: We all know you as Woodsman. We have for years. Last year. WOODSMAN: Well, I guess this is good-bye. The year before. DANICA: I guess. RAPUNZEL: Ooh. Ooooh-oooh-ooooh. WOODSMAN: I think you’re… I think… well, anyway. (Turns for the door. 20 GABLE: Yes, Rapunzel? 20 BONG. Just before he vanishes.) RAPUNZEL: And the year before? DANICA: Don’t go. GABLE: You see? WOODSMAN: What? WOODSMAN: But why am I just Woodsman? Everyone else has a DANICA: Stay. Here. With me. name. Goldilocks. Rapunzel. Even the Sleeping Beauty is called 25 Rosamond. (MUSIC CUE 1b: “Rosamond 2.”) WOODSMAN: Really? ROSAMOND: Oh, that’s awfully kind of you about the beauty part. But 25 DANICA: Yes. I’m not sure about the sleeping. I don’t sleep that much. WOODSMAN: Is that what you want? WOODSMAN: (Holds out his pencil.) Is my pencil sharp? DANICA: More than anything ever. ROSAMOND: Well let’s s— (Touches the point with her fi nger. Boom! She ROSAMOND: Woodsman, you can’t. (BONG.) 30 instantly falls asleep, dropping to the fl oor like a sack of potatoes.) DANICA: Yes, he can. WOODSMAN: She pricks her fi nger on anything and she’s narcoleptic. 30 ROSAMOND: No. But even she has a name. DANICA: I’ve seen what they think of you over there. Here you’re not GABLE: Well, we all have a place here. That’s what makes our world so an incidental. Here you can be whatever you want. Stay. Please. wonderful. Everybody knows his or her place within the great story. (BONG. WOODSMAN scoops her up and swings her around.) 35 WOODSMAN: What if I want to change it? (ALL gasp in shock. This is ROSAMOND: You can’t stay. Our world will be destroyed without you. the worst form of blasphemy.) 35 You DO have a place in the story. Please… come. GABLE: Listen to me, Woodsman— DANICA: Please stay. (BONG. It’s a tense moment for him, then he pulls WOODSMAN: That’s not a name. out of the hug with DANICA and looks her in the eyes.) WOODSMAN: I’d give up everything that’s mine to stay. But I can’t give up everything that’s theirs. I have to go. (BONG.) 4 37 For preview only 1 normal and the THREE strut INTO the scene, all attitude. ROSAMOND 1 GABLE: —everyone has a place in the story. Why, you have several. has a sword. ALL ONSTAGE are open-jawed, in different tones of bug- Don’t you help out Little Red? And you take Snow White into the eyed awe and disbelief at these THREE FAIRY-TALERS.) forest? And Hansel and Gretel? You chop wood for Rosamond. LITTLE RED: (With a tinge of irony.) My what big mouths you have! How many stories do you need, boy? 5 PETRA/MAGDA: Cinderella?! 5 WOODSMAN: But I don’t really do anything. I want to be… (Big dramatic MAGDA: What do you think you’re doing? pause. MUSIC CUE 1c: “Hero’s Fanfare.”) …a hero. (Laughs from the STUDENTS.) The hero of my own story. (More laughs.) CINDERELLA: Oh, we just got a little tired of waiting for a prince to come save the day. GABLE: You don’t have your own story. LITTLE RED: We decided to take matters into our own hands. Change WOODSMAN: Why not? Why do I have to do what’s written? (ALL gasp.) 10 the story up a bit. 10 PETRA: Hey. Wait a second. Maybe we don’t have to be hated? ROSAMOND: It was becoming a total snooze fest. MAGDA: Not that we mind being hated. CINDERELLA: Magda, Petra… you’re coming with us. PETRA: Completely fi ne with it. MAGDA: Ha! Do you see this, Petra? These pathetic little imps think MAGDA: Hate away. they have some sort of power. Cinderella, take your little friends WOODSMAN: But you don’t have to be hated. You could have a choice. 15 and go home. There’s housework to be done. 15 (To LITTLE RED.) You don’t have to be so gullible. CINDERELLA: Oh, Magda. You’re so right. A woman’s work is never LITTLE RED: I’m not gullible. done, is it, ladies? (Looks to LITTLE RED and ROSAMOND, who JACK HORNER: You thought a wolf was your granny. nod their heads. CINDERELLA turns back to MAGDA and Boom! LITTLE RED: He was wearing glasses. She decks her with a good right cross. MAGDA goes down and WOODSMAN: (As ROSAMOND wakes up.) And Rosamond wouldn’t 20 CINDERELLA grabs her by the hair.) 20 have to be so helpless and needy. LITTLE RED: (Snags PETRA from behind.) My, what an evil sister you ROSAMOND: Oh, I’m not helpless. (To HANSEL.) Tell him I’m not have. helpless—you’re a boy, he’ll listen to you. PETRA: Tell me about it. (ROSAMOND tosses the sword to WOODSMAN, WOODSMAN: (To HANSEL and GRETEL.) You don’t have to have who catches it and brandishes it pretty well.) navigation problems. You could control your sweet tooth. 25 WOODSMAN: The rest of you, be gone! (SADIE and her GANG and BULL 25 PETRA: You mean we don’t have to be wicked stepsisters? and his CRONIES scatter OFFSTAGE, completely confused. IRVING is left behind, on his knees clutching his injured hand.) MAGDA: We could be evil queens. ROSAMOND: (Kneels before IRVING.) Oh, my dearest dear. Are you all GABLE: No, no, no. right? Here, drink this poison antidote. (Pulls out a vial and hands it WOODSMAN: We could all be what we want to be— (The CLASS 30 over.) We can’t all wait around for a hundred years for some prince explodes into ad-libs about this, i.e., “I always wanted to be a to come kiss us. Those days are so over. 30 ballerina.” Maybe they can change things. Maybe not. It builds into CINDERELLA: It’s princess time! (To WOODSMAN.) You want to take a shouting match.) them back? Get the credit? Make a good story? GABLE: That’s it! (To WOODSMAN, PETRA and MAGDA.) You’ve disrupted WOODSMAN: But I didn’t do it. my class. You three. Stay after school! (ALL gasp and stare at MAGDA, PETRA and WOODSMAN.) Class dismissed! STUDENTS 35 CINDERELLA: No one would have to know. 35 EXIT as LIGHTS FADE. MAGDA, PETRA and WOODSMAN move WOODSMAN: I would. EXTREME DOWN RIGHT, sit in chairs and put on dunce caps for CINDERELLA: Then let’s go. (They drag MAGDA, kicking and screaming, next scene.) by the hair. LITTLE RED has PETRA in her clutches. EVERYONE End of Scene One EXITS. MUSIC CUE 5c: “Scene Change Music.” The CURTAIN DROPS and LIGHTS TRANSFER.) End of Scene Thirteen

36 5 For preview only Scene Two 1 WOODSMAN: I am. 1 LIGHTS UP: GABLE’S ofﬁ ce, EXTREME DOWN RIGHT. Nearby, MIRROR MELVIN: Ha! (Whispers.) What’s your name? is asleep. WOODSMAN, PETRA and MAGDA are writing on personal WOODSMAN: It’s a long story. chalkboards and mouthing to themselves, “I CANNOT CHANGE THE BULL: You think you’re enough to stop me? STORY” over and over. Petra shoves a ﬁ nger into WOODSMAN’S chest 5 WOODSMAN: Yes. I think I’m enough. 5 and he backpedals into MIRROR, nearly knocking him over. BULL: And what are you going to do? WOODSMAN: Whoa, easy. You almost made me break the mirror. WOODSMAN: I’m going to distract you long enough for him to get a MAGDA: That would be bad luck. count. PETRA: Yeah, you’d have to stay yourself for another seven years. (She PRINCIPAL: All right, I’ve tallied the new votes. and MAGDA laugh.) 10 BULL: What? NO! 10 WOODSMAN: Look, it’s all smudgy. (Picks up a rag and starts to buff the mirror. MUSIC CUE 1d: “Mirror Awakes.”) PRINCIPAL: By these counts, your new class president is Gloria Lincoln. MIRROR: (LIGHTS FLICKER and MIRROR starts to laugh like a child being tickled. More and more until the voice booms.) Who dares SADIE/BULL: Nooooooo! (Hoots and applause. GLORIA screams awaken me? as she’s carried around on shoulders. PRINCIPAL follows them 15 OFFSTAGE, leaving the HEROES and VILLAINS to face off.) 15 WOODSMAN: Oh, my gosh. It’s a magic mirror. MAGDA: You think this little election means anything? This is still my PETRA: Oh, magic mirror on the wall… kingdom. MIRROR: I’m not on the wall, kid. PETRA: Magda, come on, we’re beaten. We’re always beaten. MAGDA: Oh, magic mirror on the wheels, with the little leg things, MAGDA: Shut it, Petra. who’s the fairest of them all? 20 IRVING: Hey, you can’t talk to her that way. (Steps forward to protect 20 MIRROR: Snow White. It’s always Snow White. Don’t you do your PETRA, who isn’t sure how to react to that.) homework? BULL: Shut it, Irving. MAGDA: (Looks in the mirror.) I think I look pretty good. HAP: Yeah, shut it. MIRROR: I take off ten pounds. Like a reverse camera. SLIM: Yeah, shut it. PETRA: What’s a camera? 25 IRVING: No. I’m tired of acting like a bully because I was dumb enough 25 MIRROR: (Like, duh.) A camera. The picture-taking device. (No to follow you guys. response.) Digital photography? (No response.) Photoshop? The stuff they use to alter reality. MAGDA: Silence. (Pulls out a hairpin and stabs IRVING in his outstretched palm.) WOODSMAN: What’s reality? IRVING: Ow! (Crumples in pain.) MIRROR: You don’t know about reality? (Then it hits him.) Oh, my 30 30 goodness, you don’t know about reality. Forget I mentioned it. Bye. PETRA: Irving! Magda, what did you do? PETRA: Wait. I demand you tell us about Re-al-ity. MAGDA: Just a little poison. If you’re so afraid of it, then stay out of my way. There’s a bigger world than just this school. MIRROR: Please don’t. I could get into so much trouble— WOODSMAN: You won’t succeed. PETRA: You must do as I command. MAGDA: Who’s going to stop me? YOU?! (Laughs dismissively.) MIRROR: (Hating that he has to tell the truth.) It’s a place. Another 35 35 dimension. A land where the stories aren’t written. (WOODSMAN WOODSMAN: No. They are. (Points, MAGDA looks and the LIGHTS and the STEPSISTERS “oooh” in respect.) Where everyone has free SHIFT to a SPOTLIGHT on CINDERELLA, ROSAMOND and LITTLE will and can do what they want. RED, who each strike a pose.) MAGDA: You mean we could be queens? ENTIRE CAST: (Strikes a chord in three-part harmony, like the sound of the sun bursting through a cloudy day [or substitute some other WOODSMAN: Could you take me there? appropriate sound effect].) Aahhhhhhh! (LIGHTS SHIFT back to

6 PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS 35 For preview only 1 MAGDA: You. 1 MIRROR: Yeah, kid, geez—what, you don’t know how this works? You PETRA: You. rub me, you get a wish. SADIE: You. WOODSMAN: All right, I want you to— (Wham! MAGDA whacks GLORIA: Who are you? WOODSMAN on the back of the head with a frying pan stashed 5 behind the desk. SOUND EFFECT: FRYING PAN BONK. He goes down 5 WOODSMAN: The voting isn’t over. like a bag of hammers.) PRINCIPAL: Oh, yes it is, son, and you don’t belong here. PETRA: Where’d you get that? WOODSMAN: No. But she does. (And he dramatically pulls DANICA MAGDA: It’s always there when you need to whack somebody on the CENTER STAGE. Ooohs, ahhhhs, gasps from the CROWD.) What head. about her votes? 10 PETRA: Mirror, we command you to take us to Re-al-ity. 10 PRINCIPAL: She has been disqualifi ed from running. She doesn’t count. MIRROR: (Reluctant.) This is a very bad idea— (STEPSISTERS shoot him nasty looks.) —but you asked for it! (STEPSISTERS step DANICA: No, but my votes do. Just because I’m thrown out doesn’t behind MIRROR. LIGHTS FLASH. MUSIC CUE 1e: “The Portal Opens.” mean my votes are. (Turns to the CROWD and makes an impassioned STEPSISTERS scream. LIGHTS OUT.) speech. MUSIC CUE 5b: “Danica’s Plea.”) I know a lot of you voted End of Scene Two 15 for me. And I know it was because you believed I could make the world a better place. I don’t know if I can save the world. Maybe that’s just too big a job. But I think maybe she can save the Scene Three school. (Points to GLORIA.) 15 Screams continue in the DARK. LIGHTS COME UP and we fi nd ourselves GLORIA: Me? in front of the CURTAIN while the set is being changed to the high school. We see a lone door with the word “JANITOR” on it. It bursts 20 DANICA: Have any of you been to her website? She has some really OPEN and MAGDA and PETRA come spilling IN onto the fl oor. good ideas on how to improve the school. I am asking everyone who voted for me to place your vote for Gloria Lincoln. Show of MAGDA: Where are we? (Looks at the door.) What’s a Jan-EYE-tor? hands. Come on, let me see them. Get your hands up. Come 20 PETRA: Must be some foreign language. on. (Slowly hands start to go up. APPLAUSE starts. BULL and his MAGDA: You mean they don’t speak English in Re-al-ity? 25 CRONIES threaten the CROWD.) MELVIN: (ENTERS with STAN and OPAL and passes the STEPSISTERS BULL: Put your hands down. while they trade Yu-gi-oh cards.) Okay, I’ll trade my Cyber Prima for SLIM: Put ’em down. your Flame Wingman. HAP: Put ’em down. 25 STAN: Nah, that’s a tribute summon. IRVING: (Stands silently. BULL and the GUYS glare at him.) I’m thinking. MELVIN: Yeah, but with a fusion card he’s unbeatable. 30 BULL: Her votes don’t count! OPAL: Nosebleed. (MELVIN and STAN instantly have tissues ready. OPAL STAN: Well, actually, they do. According to page seven of the student takes them and holds them to her nose as they EXIT.) rights handbook, votes of a disqualifi ed candidate can be PETRA: Evidently not. transferred to another candidate. 30 MAGDA: Where are we? (To answer that question, the CURTAIN OPENS. GLORIA: Really? We’re in the middle of a high school. We can tell by the lockers and 35 MELVIN: Yes. the big “SENIOR DANCE TONIGHT” sign on the wall.) BULL: No! (Goes after STAN and MELVIN. The NERDS start to run. Aaach!) SHRIEK: (ENTERS, sees the STEPSISTERS.) Aahhhhh! WOODSMAN: (Steps in.) Leave them alone. MAGDA/PETRA: Aahhhhh! (SHRIEK EXITS as REALITY CAST ENTERS 35 from all directions—it’s passing period. MUSIC CUE 2: “Another Day BULL: Who’s going to make me? in High School.” It starts with a simple fi nger snap. Then somebody WOODSMAN: I am. else picks up the beat, slamming locker doors. Another STUDENT is MELVIN: Yeah. He is. You are? banging a book on the ground, somebody else joins in, hammering

34 PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS 7 For preview only 1 on a trash can. It’s edgy and angry, the opposite of the opening 1 LITTLE RED: Well, I don’t know anything about astronomy. fairy-tale number. MAGDA and PETRA are buffeted through the busy ROSAMOND: I have an idea. Let’s go talk to Gable. (They EXIT as the halls during the song. They end up on the sidelines, disoriented and LIGHTS FADE. CURTAIN. MUSIC CUE 5a: “Scene Change Music.”) watching.) End of Scene Eleven 5 REALITY CAST: (Sings.) Bell rings on Monday morning, welcome to reality. Scene Twelve Fate comes without a warning to change your destiny. LIGHTS UP: We’re back outside the janitor’s closet, in front of the We deal with parents, teachers, homework and college exams, 5 CURTAIN. LIGHTS FLICKER. The DOOR OPENS and DANICA and The pressure builds, behind you cracks form in the dam. WOODSMAN step through. She’s on high octane juice. He’s lost, 10 Another day in high school, one more cliff to scale. If you’re labeled uncool, there’s no way you can’t fail. defeated and small. DANICA: That was amazing! That place was so… wow! And you… Don’t know what tomorrow is bringing. you’re… I mean you’re— Can’t see round the bend. TERRY: (Sings.) 10 WOODSMAN: I’m an incidental. I’m a joke. 15 No no no no. DANICA: Not to me. Can’t hear which alarms are ringing. WOODSMAN: No. It’s not enough. Can’t go back again. DANICA: What will be? No no no no. WOODSMAN: I wanted to be a real hero. Another day in high school. 15 DANICA: What’s real, anyway? Your world? Mine? You ARE a hero. (He 20 One more step in the dark. begins to perk up. She takes his hand.) You’re MY hero. Another day in high school. Another day in high school. WOODSMAN: (Puffs his chest, rejuvenated.) Come on. One more swim with the sharks. DANICA: Where are we going? GIRL: (Sings.) REALITY CAST: (Sings.) WOODSMAN: It’s not midnight yet. Maybe we can still defeat the 25 Make sure you ﬁ nd your clique, Oooh ooh wah ooh. 20 bad guys. (Goes rushing OFFSTAGE with DANICA. LIGHTS FADE as A place to call your home. Ooooh wah oooh. CURTAIN OPENS on next scene.) TERRY: (Sings.) End of Scene Twelve Be sure to think like they do, Ooooh wah oooh. It’s cold there on your own. Scene Thirteen 30 DANICA: (Sings.) CURTAIN UP: The high school dance with all Reality characters as well Learn to test and not to learn. Oooh ooh wah ooh. as MAGDA and PETRA. SOUND EFFECT: “Dance Music.” The stage is It’s all about the grades. Ooooh wah oooh. decorated with streamers, balloons, a disco ball—what have you. The BOY: (Sings.) 25 platform is still onstage. STUDENTS dance. When the song ends, the Don’t admit what you don’t know, Ooooh wah oooh. STUDENTS clap. The PRINCIPAL steps forward. 35 And you will have it made. PRINCIPAL: Okay, students, this is what you’ve all been waiting for. DANICA/BOY: (Sing.) Time to announce the what? Starts with V. Vuh—vuh—votes. Another day in high school, we face the dark unknown. That’s right. Time to announce the new student council president. DANICA/TERRY/GIRL/BOY: (Sing.) And if we play by the rules, 30 And here come the results. Gloria has a total of 17 votes. (Polite There’s rules we’re never shown. applause.) And Magda has a whopping 235 votes. (More forced 40 REALITY CAST: (Sings.) SOLOIST: (Sings.) cheering.) I guess, Magda, that makes you our new class— No idea what lies ahead. Oooh. Oooh. WOODSMAN: (ENTERS.) Wait! Can’t change what you can’t see. Can’t change what PRINCIPAL: You. you can’t see.

8 33 For preview only 1 GABLE: (ENTERS.) Woodsman! (Shocked.) What are you doing? Get 1 And if we fi nd the end is dead, over here! (WOODSMAN hands DANICA over to PRINCE.) We’re stuck without a key. Stuck without a key. CINDERELLA: Oh, no, you don’t. (Makes sure it’s HANSEL who gets TERRY: (Sings, underscoring the following stanza.) DANICA. The FAIRY-TALE CAST sets her down, doting over the Another day in high school… another day, another day. 5 newcomer as WOODSMAN heads to GABLE.) 5 REALITY CAST: (Sings.) SOLOISTS: (Sing.) GABLE: Where are the stepsisters? And who’s that? One more day. WOODSMAN: They didn’t come back. (GABLE gasps.) And this is Another day in high school. Another day, another Danica. day. GABLE: Oh, my goodness! You brought a real girl back instead of the One more step in the dark. 10 One more day. 10 stepsisters? What’s wrong with you? You’ve got to get her back. I should’ve known not to trust an incidental character with a hero’s Another day in high school. job. ALL: (Sing.) Another day in high school. WOODSMAN: But, sir— One more swim with the sharks. (MUSIC OUT. ALL hurry OFF, talking and chattering. Everyone’s got someplace to be and no time to get GABLE: Don’t argue with me. We have to have everybody back in 15 there. Modern high school is controlled chaos, baby. TAG, SPATTER 15 this world by real-time midnight or we’re all doomed. I’ll have to and RANDY, known as the TAGGERS, are CENTER STAGE. TAG has a send a real hero. Oh, my goodness, who’s available? Where’s my can of spray paint.) list? (Goes rushing OFF. Defeated, WOODSMAN walks to the group around DANICA, who’s just now coming to.) TAG: Did you see that? I totally tagged the gymnasium. DANICA: (Finally believing.) But it’s all real! SPATTER: Yes, you’ve raised graffi ti to a true art form. 20 TAG: I know, right. Now everyone forevermore will know how I feel 20 WOODSMAN: It doesn’t matter. We have to go. (Starts to gently lead her OFFSTAGE. All the fi re has left him.) about school. DANICA: But it’s real. This is reality. RANDY: You misspelled “sucks.” WOODSMAN: No, reality is where you live. TAG: Art doesn’t have to be factually accurate. ROSAMOND: You mean reality is real? RANDY: Evidently. 25 25 WOODSMAN: Look, I’ve said enough. We’re going to go before I make SPATTER: It’s a bold statement. And I like your choice of font. However, a bigger mess of things. (Leads DANICA OFFSTAGE.) the overall scope lacks the vision and scale of the true masters. ROSAMOND: The stories are falling apart. RANDY: And it’s misspelled. LITTLE RED: That means no heroes. TAG: Why don’t you just shut up, Randy? (They slump over to the lockers, passing MELVIN, STAN and OPAL, who are on the fl oor playing their CINDERELLA: Who’s going to rescue us? 30 card game. SADIE, MERCY, CLEMENCY, BULL, SLIM, HAP and IRVING 30 GABLE: (Comes nervously back IN.) Students. I’m looking for volunteers ENTER.) for a special project. I might be in need of a hero. (No one steps SADIE: (Walks across STAGE and stops at the clot of NERDS. She could forward. ROSAMOND, LITTLE RED and CINDERELLA look at each easily go around, but hey, this is Sadie.) Excuse you, this is the path other then raise their hands.) That’s very amusing, ladies, but this I was totally like walking or whatever. (Summons her beau.) Bull. is not the time for comic relief. We are in desperate need of a 35 : What is this? 35 hero. (EXITS.) BULL (Steps forward and towers over the group.) CINDERELLA: Like you can count on a prince. HAP: I dunno. ROSAMOND: Eh! Men. Some of them are like pigs. SLIM: I dunno. LITTLE RED: Really? That would explain so much. Except why they IRVING: Appears to be Yu-gi-oh, a trading card game of chance and have feet. Shouldn’t it just be hooves? Or whatever piggy feet are. skill— (BULL elbows him and he goes stupid like the others.) I 40 dunno. ROSAMOND: It was metaphoric. BULL: You boys best move.

32 9 For preview only 1 HAP: Move. 1 FAIRY-TALE CAST: (Sings.) It’s bedlam! SLIM: Move. All king’s men have gone on strike ’cause the egg won’t slip. IRVING: Perhaps if you relocated your game to a safe distance— (BULL (SOUND EFFECT: CARTOON SLIP.) It’s turmoil! elbows him again.) Move. (BULL and his CRONIES grab the NERDS ROSAMOND: (Sings.) 5 by the collars and throw them across the stage.) 5 I’m wide awake and quite juiced up on a caffeine trip! (SOUND OPAL: Nosebleed! (MELVIN and STAN produce tissues.) EFFECT: CARTOON WOOGITY SOUND [jowl shaking].) SADIE: Thank you, honey, like (Air kiss to BULL.) mwah or whatever. FAIRY-TALE CAST: (Sings.) It’s over. (Continues on her path.) Rapunzel’s got a page-boy cut from a barber snip. MERCY: (To MELVIN and STAN.) You don’t want to get Bull angry. It RAPUNZEL: (Speaks.) Well, I like it. (FAIRY-TALE CAST splits into two 10 groups.) 10 makes him mad. CLEMENCY: I think they get that. GROUP 1: (Sings.) The sky is falling, it’s the end of days. MERCY: Well, maybe they didn’t know. I don’t like not knowing things. GROUP 2: (Sings.) Oh, no no no no! It makes me feel uninformed. GROUP 1: (Sings.) The sky is falling, it’s the end of days. CLEMENCY: Sadie, she’s doing that thing again. GROUP 2: (Sings.) Oh, no no no no! 15 PRINCIPAL: (ENTERS and takes the platform as STUDENTS begin to 15 FAIRY-TALE CAST: (Sings.) The sky is falling, it’s the end of days. ENTER and crowd around. Super cheesy.) All right, students. It’s (EVERYONE is arguing, shouting and shoving.) time for… (Gives a hint.) Puh—puh—presidential speeches, that’s WOODSMAN: (Comes rushing IN with DANICA, who’s staring around in right. First up is who? Starts with G. Guh—guh—Gloria Lincoln. shock. MUSIC OUT. Aggravated.) What is going on here?! (EVERYONE Very good! (Gives the stage to GLORIA, who gets a smattering of stops and stares at him.) 20 applause from the gathering CROWD.) 20 SNOW WHITE: Woodsman! GLORIA: (A bundle of nerves, reading off her index cards.) Okay, okay, LITTLE RED: Where have you been? so hi, everybody. High school rocks. Wait for applause. Sorry, DANICA: AHHHHHHHH! You’re Little Red. sorry, wasn’t supposed to read that part, parenthesis. Okay, okay, WOODSMAN: Danica, I know this might be confusing. so I’m Gloria— (Switches cards.) —bathroom. No, no. Wait, wait, 25 wrong card. (Shufﬂ es back a card.) Lincoln. I’m Gloria Lincoln, you DANICA: It’s a dream, right? Tell me it’s a dream. might remember me from chess club or as— (Back to the card.) 25 PRINCE: (With a bow.) Hello. And welcome. I’m Prince Charming. —bathroom monitor. You should vote for me as class president DANICA: AHHHHHHHH! because— (Drops the cards.) AHHH. (As she scoops them up, ALL FAIRY TALE CAST: (Trying to adapt to the newcomer and make her SADIE and her GANG surround PRINCIPAL.) feel at home.) AHHHHHHHH! 30 SADIE: Principal Lewis, I like have to totally object to this or whatever. CINDERELLA: (To PRINCE.) Don’t even start on the new meat. (Grabs I should be class president. 30 DANICA.) How long have you been seeing him? PRINCIPAL: You were homecoming queen, Sadie. You know the school PRINCE: How can I be seeing her? She’s real. rules say you can’t be both. FAIRY-TALE CAST: Real? (The CAST swarms around DANICA, who’s SADIE: (Indicates her friends.) So like one of them or whatever. backing away now, overcome with shock and fear. But everywhere 35 PRINCIPAL: You know I can’t do that, Sadie. Mercy here doesn’t have she turns, she’s faced with make-believe characters that are the grades. 35 somehow very real.) MERCY: I hate report cards. They make me feel so graded. DANICA: This isn’t real. This can’t be real. CLEMENCY: Again with the thing. SNOW WHITE: You poor dear, you’re overwrought. Have something to PRINCIPAL: And Clemency here has skipped too much school. eat. (Offers up an apple.) 40 CLEMENCY: They were having a one-day sale. DANICA: AHHHHHHHH! PRINCIPAL: For 22 days? SNOW WHITE: No, this one’s clean. (DANICA passes out.)

10 PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS 31 For preview only 1 FAIRY-TALE CAST: (Sings.) 1 CLEMENCY: They were different stores. The sky is falling and the story’s a disaster. PRINCIPAL: Bull and his friends have been in detention too many GOLDILOCKS: (Runs across the stage screaming.) Ahhhhhhhh. times. Disqualifi ed. FAIRY-TALE CAST: (Sings.) It’s not the way it’s s’posed to end. BULL/CRONIES: (So proud.) Yay! Detention! 5 PRINCE: (Speaks in rhythm.) It’s over, it’s fi nished, we’re through. 5 SADIE: It’s so totally like unfair. FAIRY-TALE CAST: (Sings.) PRINCIPAL: Instead of being angry, maybe you could try being what? The way things look it leads to happily never after. Ha—ha—happy for these other girls. CINDERELLA: (Cries.) Waaaaaah. SADIE: These are the best girls you could fi nd? FAIRY-TALE CAST: (Sings.) It’s not the way that the tale was penned. GLORIA: (Flashes through the cards at rocket speed, getting hysterical.) 10 VOICE: (Speaks.) That’s not right! 10 I would be a good— (Flip.) —basketball. And the gym smells FAIRY-TALE CAST: (Sings.) The darkness is calling… like— (Flip.) —my feet as I walk the halls in my— (Flip.) —bologna. AHHHHH. Vote for me. (Runs OFFSTAGE.) THE DARKNESS: (Speaks.) Hello? (ECHO EFFECT.) PRINCIPAL: Very nice, Gloria. I’m sure you’ll make a great class FAIRY-TALE CAST: (Sings.) The cradles all are falling. (SOUND EFFECT: president. Our other candidate is a surprise. Danica Baker. SLIDE WHISTLE DOWN and a CRASH.) It’s madness! 15 DANICA: (Takes the stage.) Hi, guys. I’m not going to give you some 15 Big bad wolves (SOUND EFFECT: WHISTLE.) are at the door and eating ham. (SOUND EFFECT: PIG SNORT.) It’s crazy! perky speech about how great things are. That’s just a fairy tale and I think we need to face reality. This whole city, the entire CINDERELLA: (Sings.) nation, the world is in trouble and we have to save it or we’re all My prince charming doesn’t care ’bout who I am! going to die a horrible death. (Dead silence. The CROWD just stares. PRINCE: (Speaks.) It’s not you! 20 Maybe one weak clap. DANICA realizes she might have overplayed 20 FAIRY-TALE CAST: (Sings.) It’s chaos! her hand.) Vote for me. PRINCE: (Sings.) Mary’s gone… PRINCIPAL: Well, Danica, I think that was quite what? Starts with F. There’s a ransom note from her little lamb. (SOUND EFFECT: PAPER Fa—fa—frightening. Remember, students, vote today. The results BEING RIPPED.) will be announced at the big dance tonight. (The CROWD starts to FAIRY-TALE CAST: (Sings.) The sky is falling, it’s the end of days. 25 break up.) 25 VOICE: (Speaks.) Look out! SADIE: (Pulls her GROUP aside.) This is like totally wrong or whatever. FAIRY-TALE CAST: (Sings.) Jack was nimble, Jack was quick. We can’t let one of these dweebs run this school. He still went up in fl ames. MERCY: I hate losing. It makes me feel like I’ve lost something. PRINCESSES: (Sing.) He was burnin’, burnin’. (CLEMENCY groans or throws her hands in the air—something 30 to show severe annoyance. SADIE, BULL and their CREWS cross FAIRY-TALE CAST: (Sings.) Even the gingerbread was stale. the STAGE and run straight into MAGDA and PETRA. This quickly 30 PRINCESSES: (Sing.) becomes an insult-off.) Know they waited past the expiration dated dated. SADIE: (Assumes an “excuse you!” posture.) Excuse me. FAIRY-TALE CAST: (Sings.) Everybody seems to know MAGDA: You are excused. Rumpelstiltskin’s name. 35 MERCY: You did not just excuse her. RUMPELSTILTSKIN: (Speaks.) Nooooooo! MAGDA: Yes, I did. 35 FAIRY-TALE CAST: (Sings.) Somehow Jill’s head got stuck in the pail. CLEMENCY: Oh, snap. JILL: (Speaks.) Ah, little help here. PETRA: She begged our pardon. We granted it. (Tries to leave.) FAIRY-TALE CAST: (Sings.) The music is happy. (SOUND EFFECT: INSANE GIGGLE.) Our world’s turning crappy, (SOUND EFFECT: SADIE: Look, girls. It’s Little Miss Muffet. TOILET FLUSH.) 40 MAGDA: (Stops dead.) Look, Petra, it’s the tuffet. PRINCESSES: (Sing.) Woe are we now! CLEMENCY: Oooh, snap. SADIE: I wouldn’t be too insulting with a face like that. 30 PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS 11 For preview only 1 PETRA: A face like yours IS insulting. 1 is following HANSEL all around the room. ROSAMOND has bandaged CLEMENCY: Oh, snap. hands. RAPUNZEL has a page-boy haircut. MERCY: Clem, shut up. RAPUNZEL: (Happily leaping off her tower, which is really just a SADIE: I’m ugly? Girl, you so ugly they had to tint the windows on your platform or even a chair. Every time she leaps she says—.) No 5 5 incubator. tower. (And giggles. Goes back up into her tower and jumps off.) Ha. No tower! (Giggles, goes back up onto her tower and leaps off.) No MERCY: Uh-huh-huh. tower! (Giggles. While this goes on, JACK HORNER wanders across MAGDA: A face like yours can make the three blind mice cry. stage, but instead of just one plum on his fi ngers he’s got lots of CLEMENCY: Oh, snap. different fruits. It’s a plethora of produce and he’s in awe.) SADIE: You can’t hang at the beach without cats trying to bury you. 10 JACK HORNER: Whoaaaaa! 10 PETRA: Beauty is only skin deep. GRETEL: I don’t see why you have to use breadcrumbs. MAGDA: So who skinned you? HANSEL: I’ve always used breadcrumbs. CLEMENCY: Oh, snap. GRETEL: And they’ve never worked. SADIE: Girl… (Showdown. SADIE looks like she might explode. She HANSEL: It’s how the story goes. just glares at MAGDA and PETRA, fi sts clenched, jaw clenched. The 15 GRETEL: Other stories aren’t going the way they’ve always gone, so 15 moment holds.) would it kill you to stop and ask directions? MAGDA: Look, Petra, she’s about to cry. HANSEL: Would it kill you not to stop at every gingerbread house you MERCY: I hate to cry. It makes me sad. see? SADIE: (Runs and hugs both STEPSISTERS, embracing them into the GRETEL: I get hungry. fold. MAGDA and PETRA are stunned and confused.) That was 20 HANSEL: No kidding. 20 amazing. GRETEL: I am not fat. I have a high metabolism. CLEMENCY: Are you new here? HANSEL: Now that’s some fairy tale. (GRETEL chases him OFF.) Ufda, MAGDA: Yes. ufda, ufda! SADIE: Oh, then you’ve gotta hang with us. GOLDILOCKS: (Talks with PRINCE.) I don’t even like porridge. Doesn’t PETRA: Hang? (She and MAGDA clutch their throats and fall to their 25 matter if it’s too cold or too hot or just right. It still tastes icky. 25 knees.) But we didn’t mean it. CINDERELLA: (To PRINCE.) Got a thing for blondes now, do we? What SADIE: I know, girl. You got it down to like an art. I just know we’re am I, the ugly duckling? going to be best friends. PRINCE: It’s not you, it’s me. MAGDA: You want to be friends? With us? LITTLE RED: (Notices ROSAMOND’S bandaged hands.) Wow, Rosamond, SADIE: Oh, yeah. (MAGDA and PETRA stand up.) 30 what a lot of bandages you have. 30 MAGDA: Why? ROSAMOND: (MUSIC CUE 4h: “Rosamond 4.”) There was no Woodsman MERCY: Because you are mean, girl. to cut our fi rewood. My aunts and I were ever so cold in our little CLEMENCY: That makes you queen bees. cottage in the woods. I had to cut my own wood. (Gasps from the CROWD.) I kept pricking my fi nger on the axe. I’ve been asleep for MAGDA: Queen? 35 a day and a half. PETRA: Royalty? SNOW WHITE: That’s terrible. Do you know what I think? 35 SADIE: I think you could rule this school. RAPUNZEL: Ooooh-oooh-ooooh. MAGDA: Rulers! Petra, I knew this place was right for us. SNOW WHITE: Yes, Rapunzel. (MUSIC CUE 5: “Sky Is Falling.”) SADIE: Let me tell you how this could work. (Starts to lead them OFF. RAPUNZEL: (Speaks.) That something very wrong is happening here? MUSIC CUE 2a: “Scene Change Music.” CURTAIN.) 40 SNOW WHITE: (Speaks.) Exactly. End of Scene Three RAPUNZEL: (Speaks.) I knew it. 12 29 End of Script Preview PRODUCTION NOTES MERCY ...... head of the department of 9 redundancy department PROPERTIES CLEMENCY ...... annoyed by Mercy 12 ONSTAGE, Scene One: Fairy-tale classroom set. BULL ...... mean dude 20 BROUGHT ON, Scene One: HAP ...... Bull’s crony 13 Triangle (GABLE) SLIM ...... another crony 13 Pencil (WOODSMAN) Plum (JACK HORNER) IRVING...... another, but thinks for himself 22 Old-fashioned knapsacks, books (FAIRY TALE STUDENTS) TAG ...... student graffi ti artist 4 Hand mirror (PRINCE) SPATTER ...... student fi ne artist 2 Extra books (CINDERELLA) RANDY ...... snarky student art critic 3 Class register (GABLE) MELVIN ...... nerd 6 ONSTAGE, Scene Two: Headmaster’s offi ce set, rag, frying pan, chalk, STAN ...... his nerd buddy 4 personal chalkboards, three dunce caps. OPAL ...... his other nerd buddy 3 ONSTAGE, Scene Three: Janitor’s closet door frame, high school SHRIEK ...... everything freaks him out 4 hallway set, trash can. TERRY ...... detention detainee 8 BROUGHT ON, Scene Three: Yu-gi-oh cards, tissues (STAN, MELVIN) TJ...... Terry’s cohort 4 Can of spray paint (TAG) PRINCIPAL LEWIS ...... wants students to like him but 23 Books, notebooks, backpacks (REALITY CAST) his style repels them Stack of index cards (GLORIA) OPTIONAL CHORUS ...... as DETENTION DETAINEES, ONSTAGE, Scene Four: Headmaster’s offi ce set. MEAN GIRLS, NERDS, CHEERLEADERS, JOCKS, etc. ONSTAGE, Scene Five: High school hallway set, ballot box on table, board game. FLEXIBLE CASTING BROUGHT ON, Scene Five: Several characters can be played male or female, including MIRROR, Ballot forms (SADIE, DANICA) RUMPELSTILTSKIN, GABLE, TERRY, TJ, TAG, SPATTER, RANDY, MELVIN, ONSTAGE, Scene Six: Fairy-tale classroom set. STAN, OPAL and PRINCIPAL LEWIS. BROUGHT ON, Scene Six: Triangle (GABLE) SET DESCRIPTION Old-fashioned knapsacks, books (FAIRY TALE STUDENTS) The set represents two different worlds: fairy-tale land and reality at Pencil (RUMPELSTILTSKIN) Validity High School. While our story bounces back and forth between ONSTAGE, Scene Seven: High school hallway set (with hatchet in the two, set changes are a snap if you have a distinct backdrop for each. locker). The fairy-tale classroom set has old-fashioned chairs or benches BROUGHT ON, Scene Seven: CENTER STAGE to represent a classroom. The headmaster’s offi ce can Ballot forms (DANICA) be represented EXTREME DOWN RIGHT with a desk and chair, three ONSTAGE, Scene Eight: Fairy-tale classroom set. more chairs and a large mirror frame (see costuming production notes). BROUGHT ON, Scene Eight: The reality set for Validity High School shows the main hallway CENTER Triangle (GABLE) STAGE, represented by a set of lockers and a sign that reads “SENIOR Crutches, head bandage (LITTLE RED) DANCE TONIGHT.” The high school principal’s offi ce can be depicted EXTREME DOWN LEFT with a desk and two chairs. Another hallway ONSTAGE, Scene Nine: High school detention room with desks, chairs. leading to the janitor’s closet is played before the curtain and only requires a self-standing door frame with a door labeled “JANITOR.” 44 iii For preview only BEST OF BOTH WORLDS BROUGHT ON, Scene Nine: Tissues (OPAL) Book by FLIP KOBLER and CINDY MARCUS Music by DENNIS POORE ONSTAGE, Scene Ten: High school hallway set. Lyrics by FLIP KOBLER ONSTAGE, Scene Eleven: Fairy-tale classroom set. BROUGHT ON, Scene Eleven: CAST OF CHARACTERS Pail (JILL) # of lines Fruits stuck on his fi ngers (JACK HORNER) FAIRY-TALE CAST Finger bandages (ROSAMOND) WOODSMAN ...... wants to be a hero 131 Apple (SNOW WHITE) CINDERELLA ...... in love with the prince 36 ONSTAGE, Scene Twelve: Janitor’s closet door frame. MAGDA ...... Cinderella’s wicked stepsister 63 ONSTAGE, Scene Thirteen: High school dance decorations including PETRA ...... her other wicked stepsister; 52 banners, streamers, balloons, disco ball. not quite as mean as Magda BROUGHT ON, Scene Thirteen: ROSAMOND ...... the sleeping beauty 27 Hairpin (MAGDA) Sword, vial of antidote (ROSAMOND) PRINCE CHARMING ...... in love with Cinderella 17 ONSTAGE, Scene Fourteen: One platform that fi lls the entire stage. LITTLE RED ...... the one with the riding hood 27 GOLDILOCKS ...... picky porridge-eater 4 BROUGHT ON, Scene Fourteen: Stack of index cards (GLORIA) SNOW WHITE ...... the fairest of them all 10 Mop and bucket (MAGDA) HANSEL ...... not a crummy guy 6 JACK HORNER ...... gives fruit a thumbs up 3 SOUND EFFECTS GRETEL ...... has a thing for gingerbread 8 Frying pan bonk, clock-tower chimes striking midnight. Since these RUMPELSTILTSKIN ...... say his name, say his name 6 sound effects are best performed live, most are not included on the RAPUNZEL ...... has lots of hair 22 CD. In the song, “Sky is Falling,” however, there are various sound effects included on the recording: slide whistle, crash, echoing voice, JILL ...... Jack’s non-truant sister 5 wolf whistle, pig snort, paper ripping, insane giggle, toilet fl ushing, MARY MARY ...... quite contrary 4 cartoony slipping sound, cartoony “woogity” sound. If you’re not using GABLE ...... headmaster of fairy-tale school 59 the recording, all of these sound effects are optional. MIRROR ...... punished for crossing over into 17 reality COSTUMES OPTIONAL CHORUS ...... for example, MARY and her The REALITY CAST should be clad in typical modern-day dress lamb, PINNOCHIO, GEPPETO, appropriate to each character’s role. Dress the FAIRY-TALE CAST BO PEEP, TOM THUMB, PIED PIPER, according to the traditional tales. WOODSMAN carries a small hatchet other PRINCES, VILLAINS, etc. in his belt. In Scene Five, MAGDA and PETRA are dressed in modern, REALITY CAST stylish clothes, including sunglasses. MAGDA now sports a stylish DANICA...... hard-core realist running for 117 tiara. In Scene Eight, LITTLE RED needs to be wearing bandages and class president walking with crutches. Later in Scene Eleven, ROSAMOND should have bandages around her fi ngers. In Scene Thirteen, CINDERELLA, LITTLE GLORIA ...... shy, awkward candidate for 21 RED and ROSAMOND are dressed more modernly, having broken the class president bonds of their traditional roles. SADIE ...... mean girl 43

ii 45 For preview only The mirror frame can be a decorated ﬂ at or ornamental full-size mirror with a hole or notch cut near the top for the actor’s face. Paint the actor’s face to match the gilding of the mirror. In the musical’s ﬁ nal scene, the MIRROR’S clothing can match the makeup when the character emerges from the mirror frame.

Book by Flip Kobler and Cindy Marcus Music by Dennis Poore Lyrics by Flip Kobler

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