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Chancellor Search Narrowed Down to Six Terrible Choices and Tinky-Winky

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Chancellor Search Narrowed Down to Six Terrible Choices and Tinky-Winky Chancellor search narrowed down to six terrible choices and Tinky-Winky. crack and I do too, so that really I.C. Weiner Students were surprised to learn T HE P OINTLESS speaks to me," said UWSP freshman . that they had heard of at least a few Whitney Houston. of these jerks. The final decision on the chancel­ The final six candidates for "I support Gumby because he's lor will be made by some even bigger the next University of Wisconsin­ bendy and can change into anything," douche-bags than the ones previously Stevens Point chancellor have been said UWSP senior Peter "Dangle" mentioned, sometime this summer. announced. They are: Gumby, Steve Johnson. We could tell you exactly when, but from Blues Clues, Gossamer the "I am going to support Steve you don' really care do you? No, Cl) Hairy, Bacon and Eggs, the Predator, from blues Clues because he loves didn't think so. ~ ' u I --~..... z - H Cl) z 0 iZ C) ]~ ~ Cl) H s: <o r:r... 0 >-4 ~ E-1 H ~ Cl) l'.:t:: r:i::l Gumby Steve Gossamer :> "Chancellor Nook is such a blockhead. Right, "Crack is Great! I support getting more of it H Pokey?" atUWSP." "Blaaaarrrrrggggghhhhh!" z ::, Bacon and Eggs Predator TinkyWinky "Sizzle sizzle, fry fry! Bring it on down to " ... " Editor's note: This interview resulted in "Tinky Winky! Tinky Winky! Teletubby bye­ Omletteville! Everybody loves us." the tragic loss of reporter Jesse Ventura due bye!" to disembowelment. Serial theft: "I just wanted some Cocoa Puffs." Hippie Dippie Chick Determined as unrelated to the Students, government officials THE POINTLESS burning garages and tool sheds, these and soccer moms alike now fear for burglaries have a disturbing pattern the safety of this breakfast staple. of their own. Panic spreads among the populace Thursday Justin Perry, a student of the with thoughts of waking to a morning Reports of theft have begun University of Wisconsin- Stevens craving for Cheerios that cannot be April 1,2010 pouring into the Stevens Point Police Point, currently living off campus fulfilled. The milk swipings also affect Department over the past several said, "I was thirsty. Thirsty for some those not directly stolen from, weeks. These crimes strike at a calcium ... when I realized the milk Volume 54 Issue 22 vulnerable time for the city as it has was gone. When I saw they left my recently been plagued with acts of TY, computer, Xbox and everything See "Milk" Pg. 7 arson. else ... l was pretty angry." . News 1-2 Sports 7-8 Comics 11 Newsroom • 346 · 2249 Business • Ins 1d e, ._ > )I Pointlifc 3-4 Arts & Culture 9 Classifieds 12 346 · 3800 Advertising • 346 · 3707 I T ll~ Wu:: ( Sci. & Outdoors 5-6 Letters 10 2 April 1, 2010 News UWSP The Pointer Patrick Swayze haunts dance studio and pottery classes KITTENS! Babi lncornerstone appearance in "Dirty Dancing: Havana when they noticed things were not how ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, THE POINTLESS Nights." Swayze just couldn't stay away they left them. from dance. "Our stereo was on the ground with • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • Classes at the University of Wisconsin the 'Dirty Dancing' soundtrack in it," Stevens Point resumed Monday morning said one of the dance coaches. "Also, 'I after break and students were suspicious had the time of my life' had been written as to what took place in the art rooms in red lipstick across one of the studio Percival Pussbottom Evidence suggests that Patrick located in the Noel Fine Arts Center. mirrors." Swayze' s ghost appeared in the Noel Fine "All of the clay is missing for The Stevens Point Area Police THE P OINTLESS Arts Center and Health Enhancement our figure modeling class," said an Department said there were no signs of Center over spring break. anonymous art major. "Our professor finger prints in either of the buildings that Last September, Swayze lost his year told us to just go home because there was had been tampered with, but they are still long battle with pancreatic cancer. nothing we could work on without it." looking. Swayze was well known for his The only clay remaining in the room "It may have been a coincidence that acting roles in "Dirty Dancing," 1987, and was a half-created vase on the pottery the clay was missing and a song was "Ghost," 1990. He also made a cameo wheel. "The piece looked as if someone playing in the NFAC, but there was a ripped the top portion off," said an plastic baby in the comer of the dance assistant professor. "The oddest part was studio," said a sophomore dance team Apparently Swayze is reliving his that the song Unchained Melody, by the member. "That is just crazy." past roles in the spirit world. Righteous Brothers, was replaying on the Investigations are still under way, CD player in room 148." but as of right now only assumptions can Another area on campus that was be made. If Patrick Swayze' s ghost really tampered with was the dance studio in did haunt various rooms on campus, he the Health Enhancement Center. The really must have had the time of his life. UW-Stevens Point dance team arrived to the studio for an early morning practice ·p,D{Jt!M ,R[ se "Jfda,, plOM al{l ~UJlilOl{S (asnOl{ SN JO ){Jeq a4l Uf POJ aa.Jl e) surna1p Jfda JO J!BI SN Ol ){Jeq palea.JlaI pue a1a4 ~ JJO MafAialU! al{l lilJ u01awe:) ~ ,;){Jed ){Jeus e pue ···uon -~ -eJ!dSUf paau I adel "padsa}l nas ON ~ -l{HM S{J!'.),, AW aw ~UfIH jWOW AaH,, ; 'uo1awe:) pfes ,,'lUBM a1doad al{l ~ lBl{M MOU){ I 'uew xas pue l{leaa11 a ·walSAS IElS µnelUa:) i, J! e4dw al{l lif laue1d llIElS!P e uo wn~ James Cameron will make erotic 3D epic -BlqOUil l{HM panu dNS ~lI!){U!S e uo over the weekend. UMOp o~ Aal{l se 1a4lOl{Jea ~lifAOI S~lifaq UEWill{ pue fA,BN al{.L "l{lt?ap After this year's Academy Award l{Jnw se lSnf l{HM lnq 'pawal{l AUBJ for Best Picture went to "The Hurt -no1a 'IElBAV pue J!UEH.L JO dn 4sew e Locker" James Cameron felt like he ~~ell! daa){ I uosea1 awos IOtl got the shaft. His 3D epic "Avatar" ·uo1awe:) P!ES 11'.Apoq was the first film ever to gross over pa)J:EU iw 'Ielt?AV UIOIJ ~UJ:SS!fil ~UNl $2 billion and packed theaters with A{UO al{l seM lt?l{l ){U!l{l I 'a£ lif a1doad college students under the influence al{l Ol nasiw ~Ufiq Ol alli!l s ,H,, of drugs across the U.S. ·afAOW al{l lI! Cameron is refusing to let the a101 ~Ufpea1 al{l aq p1noM a4 parupap Academy downplay his brilliance as UOiaWE:) S{a!UEQ ){JBf JO amoq UilJ a film-maker and has decided to give e Ialft! pue 'S!l{l ~Uf1ea4 uodn the shaft as good as he got it.* ·ss-e){Jef-e a){H ~lI!){U!M al!lJM uosfp-ew "I'm making a porno bitches, s1a){oou5 lUapms dSMil pfes ,,'JJillS they give my little gold dude to poo~ al{l l{HM alli!l Sfl{l A{UO 'naM my ex wife, are you kidding me?" Se ll:?l{l op mM AlOlS S!l{l ams ill,I OS said Cameron, "I'm going beyond the '~UfAOW seM IBl\?AV Uf AIOlS aAOI a4l Academy ... what? ...Yeah I've had a 'WIH Mau S!l{ IOJ palpXa ill,I,, few drinks what of it? I'm still going ·1a~~og_ AJiad lUapfsa1 {BJOI pfes ,, to shove it in the Academy's face no.,{ lB uaa1Js a4l JO lilO ~Uf)J:Od w1u when I get a: Woody."* S!l{l lif ~U!l{lAUE llIEM inea1 noA op Cameron, who spent twelve years 'H lilOq-e ){U!l{l lSil~ UaM 'Q£ al{l pue making and not making "Avatar" is 'aaIJ IOJ aUf{UO l{Jll:?M ueJ I 2ll!l{laWOS going to bypass making the film's IOJ GI$ ied Ol 2Ufo~ lOU w,1,, sequel to make his first erotic 3D epic. "lUaWUft?l The new movie entitled "Take That," -Ialua l{npe Olllf alilluaA s ,uo1awe:) is apparently missing characters, a lnoqe palpxa Uft?wa1 s1a410 aI!l{M =0 paruJs a1e sueJ ,,IElBAV,, awos plotline and monetary backing. s. "It'll come, all of it, everyone," ,, ·wod aAOI a1doad 'AplBI eQ) said Cameron, "I'm not worried, this laUiallI! al{l uo uaaq noA aAt?l{ 'nasH uC't1 ~ eQ) ('t1 Tinley Winley ~ THE POINTLESS •' :•.t: -:~ .. ' • ·•• .; ,--. / -~ ·: '. ' ·' ::r I W::U- :I C .g 1 l:loO z C 'II 3: .,, :::: q>oiif Global warming causes "O N.._._z 3: ::U >"'z ::a 0~r -o -c ~ i. .._. m> :! < :-1 l'l - increased hours of daylight C c;;; I O j Ill Ill ~IO 0 )­ ~ zo -I :::0 The United States warming threatens to make their global warming will be referred to "O :v z Ez CZ ::r C ('b ~::lz~ en n ID 2' experienced the first race extinct. as global lighting," said Gore, who g- "ti "' cil111-u 2. -;i real effects of global "I'm so hungry, but it's too revealed that sunglasses are the ,::ao::u gi ::, 'Tl - Ill ~~o r+ -· warming this month light to feed," said one vampire remedy. "If you can't see the light, )fll -.., 8 r Ill I~ ' ID ID with increased hours of who is withering away to nothing it can't get you," said Gore.
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