Janus Youth Programs, Inc

Boys Will Be Men:

Road to Recovery

Dedicated

Tim and Terry And All the Men in the Box

From: TIM HARTMAN [[email protected]] Sent: Friday, February 01, 2008 7:40 AM To: [email protected] Subject: alice in chains lyrics

Dennis- i could’nt wait for you to read these, so here you go. i identify strongly with these words. With your permission, i would love to bring the music to class in 2 weeks, it is extremely powerful. tim hartman

Down in a Hole- Bury me softly in this womb I give this part of me for you Sand rains down and here I sit Holding rare flowers In a tomb . . . in bloom Down in a hole and I dont know if I can be saved See my heart I decorate it like a grave You dont understand who they Thought I was supposed to be Look at me now a man Who wont let himself be Down in a hole, feelin so small Down in a hole, losin my soul Id like to fly, But my wings have been so denied Down in a hole and theyve put all The stones in their place Ive eaten the sun so my tongue Has been burned of the taste I have been guilty Of kicking myself in the teeth I will speak no more Of my feelings beneath Down in a hole, feelin so small Down in a hole, losin my soul Id like to fly but my Wings have been so denied Bury me softly in this womb Oh I want to be inside of you I give this part of me for you Oh I want to be inside of you Sand rains down and here I sit Holding rare flowers (oh I want to be inside of you) In a tomb . . . in bloom Oh I want to be inside . . , Down in a hole, feelin so small Down in a hole, losin my soul Down in a hole, feelin so small Down in a hole, outta control Id like to fly but my Wings have been so denied 2

Man in the Box –

Im the man in the box Buried in my shit Wont you come and save me, save me Chorus Feed my eyes, can you sew them shut? Jesus christ, deny your maker He who tries, will be wasted Feed my eyes now youve sewn them shut

Im the dog who get beat Shove my nose in shit Wont you come and save me, save me

Rooster –

Aint found a way to kill me yet Eyes burn with stinging sweat Seems every path leads me to nowhere Wife and kids household pet Army green was no safe bet The bullets scream to me from somewhere

Here they come to snuff the rooster Yeah here come the rooster, yeah You know he aint gonna die No, no, no, ya know he aint gonna die

Walkin tall machine gun man They spit on me in my home land Gloria sent me pictures of my boy Got my pills gainst mosquito death My buddys breathin his dyin breath Oh God please wont you help me make it through

Here they come to snuff the rooster Yeah here come the rooster, yeah You know he aint gonna die No, no, no, ya know he aint gonna die

3 Boys Will Be Men: Map to the Mine

Where We Come From:

 Why Are We Here?

 Overview/Introductions/Ground Rules

 Biasi and Expectations

 Resources

 Stereo Types and Beliefs

How We Got Here:

 Brains and Biology: Yes, Virginia, There is a Difference

 The Box: No Way Out

 Boy Code and Myths About Boys: Passing it On

How Can We Get There:

 Elements of Male-Specific Treatment

 Treatment Application: Personal “Gold”

 Treatment Application: Program “Gold”

 Closure/Assignments

4 Boys Will Be Men: Ground Rules

 Self-Care…always

 Respect: Equal Voice

 Confidentiality: Workplace Challenges

 Fun: Only a Little!!

 The UNGOLDEN Rule…

5 Boys Will Be Men: Biasi

1) Boy/Male Treatment is Co-occurring

2) Boys will be boys

3) Few “good” role models

4) No “real” experts

5) Can’t avoid sex(uality)

6) No 100%

6 Areas of Gender Differences

1) Brain Development a. Fewer connections between hemispheres b. Right brain reliant on space/movement c. Single focus/ on-off processing d. Sexual response locus/wiring e. Emotional response locus/wiring

2) Seeing a. Thick retina/more “m” cells b. M cells = motion/spatial relations c. P cells = color/texture

3) Hearing a. Males hear less at higher decibels b. Tend to hear better in one ear c. Tend to talk at “male” volume

4) Testosterone a. 2 “doses” pre-natally b. Correlated with high energy/aggression c. Risk not violence d. Primary driver for love/sex e. Teens get 5-7 doses/day f. 5) Relationships a. Genetic differences double risk of relationship problem/divorce b. Differences occur in 2/5 of men

6) Conflict Response

7) Hijacking

Differences Show In…

 Toy Preference: Before awareness  Activity Level: “Objects Through Space”  Increased Aggression: Other Species  Increased Risk: “Risky Shift”  Emotions/Ability to Verbalize: Denial vs. Absence  Empathy: Key Question for Teens  Relationships/Sex/Aggression: A different Normal  Response to Conflict: Time-Out

8 Impact on Treatment

School Environment 1) Sit and Still 2) Earn Recess 3) Focus on Multiple Tasks 4) Listen to Female Voice 5) Read Early 6) Draw Colorful Pictures 7) Of People 8) Be Empathic with Others (especially girls)

Treatment Environment 1) Sit and Still 2) Small Group vs. Large 3) Contained Space 4) Make Eye Contact 5) Listen 6) Be Empathic 7) Share Deep Feelings 8) Use Primarily Verbal Communication

9 THE BOX

Separation from Others

Separation from Self

Feelings/ Needs

PAIN Sexuality/Relationships Competitiveness

Separation from Self LONELINESS Separation from Self

Separation from Others RAGE Separation from Others

Responsibility

Separation from Self

Separation from Others 10

Elements of Effective Male Treatment

Elements of Effective Male Treatment 12-Step Approach  Destigmatize entry into recovery Disease Model  De-shame recover process Meetings vs. sessions Synanon “Game”  Concrete/structured activities 12 steps  Measurable progress One day at a time  Activity-based “work the steps” Keep coming back  Action love/bonding Sponsors  Education re: men Failure = 13th step Role and training The Box Relationships Men’s health

11 What Do Boys/Men Need

Elements of Gender Specific Treatment for Males:  Tribe  Elders  Sacred Text: Rules to be a Man  Ritual/Initiation/Passage  Play

Processes of Gender Specific Treatment for Males:  Kinesthetic Learning  Peripatetic Counseling  Action Love  Competition/Challenge/Mastery  Writing  Respect/Pride (De-Shame)  Aggression Nurturance  Confrontation  Autonomy/Independence/Interdependence

Key: Unifying curriculum about being/becoming a boy/man

12 Boy’s Code and Myths

Action

Boy’s Code Myths about Boys

1. Sturdy Oak 1. Boys Will be Boys 2. Give-em Hell Beliefs CORE Response 2. Boys Should be Boys 3. The Big Wheel 3. Boys are Toxic 4. No Sissy Stuff

Feeling

13 Male Depression

The most common problem associated with male menopause is depression which is closely related to impotence and problems with male sexuality. Approximately 40% of men in their 40s, 50s and 60s will experience some degree of difficulty in attaining and sustaining erections, lethargy, depression, increased irritability, and mood swings that characterize male menopause. The symptoms of depression in men are commonly not recognized for several reasons:

■ The symptoms of male depression are different than the classic symptoms we think of as depression ■ Men deny they have problems because they are supposed to “be strong” ■ Men deny they have a problem with their sexuality and don’t understand the relationship with depression ■ The symptom cluster of male depression is not well known so family members, physicians, and mental health professionals fail to recognize it.

Male depression is a disease with devastating consequences. To paraphrase from Jed Diamond’s book Male Menopause

■ 80% of all suicides in the US are men ■ The male suicide rate at midlife is three times higher; for men over 65, seven times higher ■ The history of depression makes the risk of suicide seventy-eight times greater (Sweden) ■ 20 million Americans will experience depression sometime in their lifetime ■ 60-80% of depressed adults never get professional help ■ It can take up to ten years and three health professionals to properly diagnose this disorder ■ 80-90% of people seeking help get relief from their symptoms

14 Difference between Male and Female depression:

Men are more likely to act out their inner turmoil while women are more likely to turn their feelings inward. The following chart from Jed Diamond’s book, Male Menopause, illustrates these differences.

Female Depression Male Depression Blame themselves Feel others are to blame Feel sad, apathetic, and worthless Feel angry, irritable, and ego inflated Feel anxious and scared Feel suspicious and guarded Avoids conflicts at all costs Creates conflict Always tries to be nice Overtly or covertly hostile Withdraws when feeling hurt Attacks when feeling hurt Has trouble with self respect Demands respect from others Feels they were born to fail Feels the world set them up to fall Slowed down and nervous Restless and agitated Chronic procrastinator Compulsive time keeper Sleeps too much Sleeps too little Trouble setting boundaries Needs control at all costs Feels guilty for what they do Feels ashamed for who they are Uncomfortable receiving praise Frustrated if not praised enough Finds it easy to talk about weaknesses and doubts Terrified to talk about weaknesses and doubts Strong fear of success Strong fear of failure Needs to “blend in” to feel safe Needs to be “top dog” to feel safe Uses food, friends, and “love” to self-medicate Uses alcohol, TV, sports, and sex to self-medicate Believe their problems could be solved only if they Believe their problems could be solved only if their could be a better (spouse, co-worker, parent, friend) (spouse, co-worker, parent, friend) would treat them better Constantly wonder, “Am I loveable enough?” Constantly wonder, “AM I being loved enough?”

What to Do About It?

Often we receive questions at our website from distressed women who wonder what is happening to their husbands or partners or co-workers and how they can help.

■ It is important to recognize the syndrome because most men will not see it in themselves since their most basic psychological defense is denial. ■ It is important to realize that most men seek help only when pressured to do so by significant people in their life. ■ It is important to realize that men can be helped through a variety of approaches including o Exercise o Diet o Getting in touch with their spirituality o Individual and group psychotherapy o Medications o Teaching men to recreate the social supports they have lost or never had o Teaching men to love and accept themselves for whom they are

15 My Father’s Mask By a Former Student

I am my father’s son I wear his pain deep inside His father’s father handed down the legacy Men are strong, men don’t cry We don’t ask for help My father battled his demons in silence Until the inside voices won the war Even in death the mask he wore was skin-tight His pain wears me like an old sweater Now stretched beyond yarn’s memory Legacy’s gift handed down through time’s lineage I am my father’s son, seeking to break the tradition So my sons will not have to wear their father’s mask

A Letter to Someone’s Gay Son

To someone’s gay son, I wish you all the love and acceptance that can be given to a child. I pray that you have two dads or two moms, I pray that you never have to hear the word fag from some bigoted idiot. I pray that when someone calls you a fairy or sissy you run get your angel wings and be proud of who you are. As you grow its ok to play dress up and stretch your mother’s pumps. I pray that you embrace who you are. I pray that your mommies and daddies are embracing you for who you are. And yes child you can wear dresses and dream of joining the Air Force. Fly high my young son embrace the rainbow, shoot for the stars. There will be an old man in a purple frock with a proud tear in his eye urging you on. Don’t look back just look to the stars…

You are the miracle I never was, you are the person who I dreamed of being. You dance to the tune of total acceptance. That was not my journey, I was on the ground, I was hated, I was spit on and told god hated me. I went through all the negativity and injustice and hatred so you wouldn’t have to. I kissed in malls, I paraded in streets, and I’ve showed up unwelcome to where I was hated. I got into the preachers face and showed him god’s love. I challenged “good” Christians and played on their hypocrisy; I was your warrior so you could live in love, I and so many others where the ones who took a hit for the team. May you live in joy and not in fear. May you never know what it means to be me. May you never hide as I once did.

When you have time and if you notice me there…tell me your dreams, tell me your stories and when you are done I will disappear. I’ll be that purple in the rainbow… Fly high my hero fly high…

17 The MaleBox Recommended Reading List

Strongly Recommended:

Brizendine, Louann, MD. The Male Brain. Broadway Books: New York, 2010.

Farrell, Warren. The Myth of Male Power. Berkley Books: New York, 1993. (out of print)

Farrell, Warren. Women Can’t Hear What Men Don’t Say. Jeremy P. Tarcher/Putnam: New York, 1999.

Gurian, Michael. How Do I Help Him? Gurian Press: Spokane, 2011.

Gurian, Michael. What Could He Be Thinking? St. Martin’s Griffin: New York, 2003.

Kindlon, Dan and Thompson, Michael. Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys. Ballentine Books: New York, 2000.

Osherson, Samuel. Wrestling with Love, How Men Struggle with Intimacy. Fawcett Books: 1993.

Real, Terrence. I Don’t Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression. Scribner: New York, 1997.

Pollack, William. Real Boys: Rescuing Our Sons from the Myths of Boyhood. Hold and Company: New York, 1999.

Sax, Leonard, MD. Boys Adrift. Basic Books: Philadelphia, 2007

Vincent, Norah. Self-Made Man. Viking Penquin: New York, 2006.

Additional Recommendations:

Canada, Geoffrey. Reaching Up for Manhood. Boston: Beacon Press, 1998.

Garbarino, James. Lost Boys. Anchor Books: New York, 2000.

Grant, Stephen; Hiton, Howard; and Mortola, Peter. BAM! Boys Advocacy and Mentoring. www.HitonAssociates.net: 2006.

Gurian, Michael. A Fine Young Man. Jeremy P. Tarcher/Putnam: New York, 1999.

Gurian, Michael. The Wonder of Boys. Jeremy P. Tarcher/Putnam: New York, 1996.

Hafter, David N. Growing Balls. Xlibris Corporation. Paperback. 2006.

Kivel, Paul. Boys Will Be Men. New Society Publishers: Canada, 2000.

Moore, Wes. The Other Wes Moore: One Name, Two Fates. Spiegel & Grau/Random House: 2010.

Newberger, Eli H. The Men They Will Become. Perseus Books: Reading, Mass., 1999. Rosin, Hanna. The End of Men and the Rise of Women. Riverhead Books: New York, 2012.

Sax, Leonard. Why Gender Matters. 2006.

Sommers, Christina Hoff. The War Against Boys. Simon and Schuster: New York, 2000.

Thompson, Michael & Barker, Teresa. It’s a Boy! Your Son’s Development from Birth to Age 18. Ballantine Books: New York, 2008

18 Education/Teaching Resources:

Gurian, Michael and Ballew, Arlette C. The Boys and Girls Learn Differently Action Guide for Teachers. Jossey-Bass: San Francisco, 2003.

Gurian, Michael and Stevens, Kathy. Boys and Girls Learn Differently: A Guide for Teachers and Parents (Revised 10th Anniversary Edition). Jossey-Bass: San Francisco, 2011.

Gurian, Michael and Stevens, Kathy. The Minds of Boys: Saving Our Sons from Falling Behind in School and Life. Jossey-Bass: San Francisco, 2005.

19 Recommended Movie List

127 Hours

And the Band Played On

Brokeback Mountain

Bucket List

Friday Night Lights

Gran Torino

Patton

Rambo (1)

Rocky Balboa

Seven Pounds

The Fighter

The Messenger

The Boys in the Band

Longtime Companion

Mr. Holland’s Opus

The Slaughter Rule

20 Dennis L. Morrow

Dennis Morrow, M.A.Ed., MBA, has been the Executive Director of Janus Youth Programs, Inc. since 1980. The agency has a $9 million budget, employs a staff of 250 in Oregon and Southwest Washington and provides a wide array of services to high-risk adolescents. Dennis is also a management consultant working with both nonprofit and for-profit businesses, and he serves as an instructor at Portland State University (Institute for Nonprofit Management) and Portland Community College (Alcohol and Drug Counselor Education). He has provided training and workshops for over 25,000 people and hundreds of businesses/organizations ranging from small nonprofits to some of the largest accounting firms in the world. His primary focus is on Values-Based Management, a unique model for supervision and support of employees in the nonprofit/public service sector, but he has also provided training in the areas of organizational change, team building, staff conflict resolution, and race/gender issues in the workplace. Dennis has been recognized by the University of Portland’s Pamplin School of Business at their 75th Anniversary as one of the “Significant 75” graduates from the Business School, by Portland State University for Outstanding Contributions to the Division of Public Administration, and by Portland Monthly’s Light a Fire Awards as the 2012 “Extraordinary Executive Director”. In 2013 he received the Natalie S. Bimel Community Partner Award from the Annie E. Casey Foundation for his leadership in juvenile detention reform. As a working manager himself and a parent of eight children, Dennis tends to focus on concrete strategies and techniques even for complex organizational/human dynamics.