INSIDE: President Wright Wins Hula Hoop Contest — News p. 8

Hanover, NH The Dartmovth Weather Today: Cold as a witch’s tit www.dartmouth.edu/~jacko The Jack-O-Lantern’s Oldest College Parody. Founded 1907. Tomorrow: Warm as a shaman’s dick

Vol. XXXI No. 05 Friday, February 20, 2004 One Billion Dollars COLLEGE DERECOGNIZES STINSON’S Bagel Basement put on probation until end of academic year BY JACK O. LANTERN if we were, we’d want other busi- The Dartmovth Staff nesses to be on our side about this.” Bob was unavailable for comment. In a report released this Mon- Leaders of the Upper Valley day, Dartmouth College officials Small Business Association are con- have derecognized Stinson’s Gen- sidering responding to the College eral Store, citing a number of viola- crackdowns by voluntarily closing tions of college policy on numerous their doors in protest. They briefly occasions. considered not selling anything dur- Stinson’s earliest violation was ing Dimensions Weekend and releas- reported by Safety and Security of- ing a joint statement condemning the ficer Tyrone Levy who found ap- recent punishments as “overly harsh” proximately 40 kegs in Stinson’s base- The Dartmovth and “not really within the College’s ment. “No keg discovered on the The director of the OAC watches the now-defunct village stores, unseen and chortling evilly to himself. jurisdiction anyhow.” premises had been registered with the But Dean of the College James college. Not a single one,” said Lewis tions because of some hastily thrown Dartmovth William Bauer of Bagel morning to make bagels and we close Larimore said, “the notion of a crack- Carmichael of the Office of Judicial together excuse.” Basement said, “I had just finished at 4pm sharp. If they wanted a nice down is ludicrous. The fact is that Affairs. Carmichael went on to say, As the OAC charges continue giving this lady her half dozen and her brunch or something then maybe.” we’re enforcing our own long-stand- “an inspection was conducted three their climbing trend, The Bagel Base- cup of coffee when this guy with a The OAC refused to capitulate to ing policies in the same manner that months after the reported keg viola- ment was placed on social probation walkie-talkie comes through the door Bauer’s request. we always have. If businesses are tion and every keg was still there— for the remainder of the academic and started asking people for identifi- Carmichael said that The Bagel getting in trouble more often, it’s prob- not one had been returned.” Officer year. When asked why the OAC had cation. When I asked him what he Basement will not be able to hold any ably just their own carelessness.” Levy also reported other violations. issued probation to the local breakfast was doing, he grabbed all my cinna- registered events until the end of the Larimore also praised the re- “All the ingredients for an alcoholic spot, Carmichael said, “In the COS mon raisin bagels and said something academic year and that all sales will cently disciplined bagel shop for its punch were on-hand. There was ob- guidelines it clearly states that gather- about needing them for evidence. be closely monitored by the college, actions since the enactment of the vious intent to mix and distribute.” ings in organizations’ basements shall Those are my best sellers and he took saying, “we will be devoting two full new college restrictions, “Bagel Base- When reached for comment, occur between the hours 8pm and some cream cheese too—not the regu- time S&S officers to perform these ment has done a really good job in Laura Engleberg of Stinson’s said, 3am. When we sent an S&S officer lar kind either, he took onion and duties.. responding to College policy and I “look, I may be way off base here, but over for an inspection at 8am we chive. That guy still owes me $15.50.” Other Hanover businesses have think this probation will encourage I was under the impression that we found music playing and a long line In accordance with their proba- expressed concern over what they them to continue their outstanding were a privately owned business. Not waiting to be served God knows what. tion Bagel Basement has been or- consider to be a crackdown on com- efforts.” only that, but a privately owned busi- And some of the people found in line dered by the college to hold a sexual mercial organizations. Omer of Omer Hanover Camera Company, ness with a liquor license to boot.” In weren’t even 21! Somehow Hanover assault awareness dinner to benefit and Bob’s Sport Shop explained, “At College Supplies, Video Stop, response to Engleberg’s comments, High School students had gained en- orphans. In response to what the first, you hear about what Stinson’s is Hanover Kitchens and The Gap are Carmichael said, “The OAC [Organi- try to the basement, a failure to check college has deemed mandatory in or- going through and you think ‘no big also currently under investigation for zational Adjudication Committee] I.D.’s at the door I’m sure.” der to comply with the probation, deal.’ But then you realize that we possible underage merchant viola- cannot bend its rules or make excep- In an interview with The Bauer said, “look, I get up 4 every could very easily be in their shoes, and tions. Token racist admitted into class of 2008 BY LARRY BOBARRY However, not all members of The Dartmovth Staff the Brotherhood reacted with equal excitement. Supreme Bishop A mixture of relief and con- Adolph Kartoffelkopf said, “I think troversy greeted the Office of Ad- this could be a wonderful opportu- missions’ unexpected announce- nity for young Matthew to spread ment today that Matthew J. Cooley, the ministry of Aryan supremacy an obscure member of the Aryan even unto the wintry shores of New Brotherhood of the Vengeful Hampshire. But I’m somewhat Christ, had been admitted to the concerned, since he has been show- Class of 2008. ing less and less spontaneous out- The Cooley family was moved pourings of adoration for the glori- to tears by Matthew’s unprec- ous cause of the Bleached Jehovah. edented acceptance into Dartmouth Honestly, recently he’s been more College. “I never expected that my interested in Fountains of Wayne son’s white privilege would be than anything else.” enough to sway the cruel hearts of Admissions stands by its deci- those heathen academics. The sion, however, citing Cooley’s ex- Spirited Holy Archangel has truly traordinary leadership and extra- smiled upon us today,” exclaimed curricular activities. “Matthew is a Chris Plehal/The Dartmovth Senior Staff Matthew’s mother as she lit a vo- BOOK BUYBACK CANCELLED: After sprouting mechanical legs and a pair of 60-ton Howitzer cannons, tive candle to the Vengeful Christ. See COOLEY, page 3 Wheelock books storms down Main Street, killing everyone in its path. 2 The Dartmovth WORLD & NATION Friday, February 20, 2004 Beloved keg mascot brutally murdered

BY DICK RICHARDS cedure for longer than six sec- The Dartmovth Staff onds, as counted by the gathering crowd. Despite his fans’ best To the dismay of the entire efforts, by the time that health Hanover community, Keggy the professionals arrived, Keggy was Keg was shot to death last night already long kicked. outside the Hanover Inn. Keggy had recently made a The assasin, a suspicious return to prominence after the hooded figure, had been lurking harsh light of national fame outside the Inn for hours before pushed him into seclusion. His the attack, reported eyewitnesses. future plans, such as driving the Tall and hirsute, the assailant was zamboni at Dartmouth hockey described as “both majestic and games and reinstituting the keg powerful.” jump by staging a “lie in” on At the time of his death, the Occom Pond, were tragically cut six-foot anthropomorphic keg had short. No last words are on record, just performed at a basketball game but several witnesses say that in and was returning to his hotel room his last few hours, Keggy gesticu- on the third floor of the building. lated happily and gave several The stranger approached him with hugs. Chris Plehal/The Dartmovth Senior Staff a sharpie and a can of Keystone College officials originally S&S officer Rodney Blizzy enjoys a view of the Green from atop his new, flying ‘minivan’. Light, apparantly seeking an auto- announced plans to bury Keggy graph. in a special plot in the Hanover Keggy, covering his mouth graveyard. However, it has since with gloved hands to indicate sur- become known that Keggy’s will S & S to replace minivans with dragons prise and delight, obliged, invit- strongly requests that his remains silver dragon. I mean, all the other chimera, unicorns, satyrs, and a kraken BY LARRY BOBARRY in the backyard of the president’s man- ing his fan into the lobby of the be recycled. He will therefore be The Dartmovth Staff dragons are green, so you know to hotel. The doorman had just commemorated with an “eternal book it, but once they started rolling sion. Dragons are natural predators to opened the door for the character flame” set in a special mosaic out with that silver one, you didn’t many of these creatures and Wright For as long as any current when the cloaked figure revealed bearing only the word “Imagine.” know what to do. That thing ate my fears for their safety. Said Wright, Dartmouth undergrads can remem- a hidden handgun, shooting Keggy The killer, still at large, is roommate’s legs, man. His legs!” “Some of my fondest memories have ber, Safety and Security’s weapon of six times in the back. Cold, re- currently being hunted by Not all parties, however, are so come swimming in the lagoon with choice for making students relive freshing beer spewed out of Hanover Police, New Hampshire enthused about the prospectsof a my special friend. I won’t let anything the anxiety of the Prohibition Era Keggy’s open wounds, pooling State troopers, and several orange- dragon-patrolled campus. Pre-emi- come between me and Poofy.” has been the Dodge Caravan. Not around his fallen cylindrical body. vested vigilantes. Dartmouth has nent dragonslayer Alexander On the student side of the oppo- any longer. Effective the first week Keggy’s killer fled in the di- issued a Crime Alert, which offi- Runeblade expressed concerns about sition, an anti-dragon protest has been of spring term 2004, S&S will be rection of the White Mountains, cials have printed on bright yel- any use of “winged wyrms” at a scheduled for this Friday outside of making their rounds on large mythi- emitting a mournful bellow and low sheets of paper and taped to learning institution, much less as Parkhurst, to be followed by a mara- cal winged reptiles, more commonly exhibiting what witnesses describe the doorways of most dormito- tools of law enforcement. thon eight-hour long candlelight vigil known as dragons. as a long, loping stride. As of yet, ries. In addition, a blitz has been “Aye, I hath slain many a beast and chili cook-off. As a counter- While these animals, bred spe- the only clues to the killer’s iden- circulated by various community in my daye, and if I hath learned but protest, the Dartmouth Chronicles of cifically for university campus secu- tity are the discarded handgun and directors advising students to lock one thing, it be this: ye cannot taime Narnia Society will be organizing a rity purposes by Jim’s Dragons and a copy of the J. D. Salinger novel their doors and report any suspi- nor trust a foul beastie the likes of a bake sale to increase the campus Goldfish of Raleigh, North Carolina, The Catcher in the Rye, which the cious activity to Hanover Police dragon,” he spake. dragon presence. Said Popeye Jones, will be significantly more expensive assassin dropped in flight. Myste- or Safety and Security. Interestingly enough, one of the NBA player and honorary member of to purchase and maintain than were riously, neither the gun nor the None were more distraught leading adversaries to Dartmouth’s the DCNS, “Of our drake cake, thou the automobiles, the administration well-worn novel bear fingerprints. than the creators of Keggy, switch to dragons has come from must partake.” As a counter-counter- remains optimistic about the benefits Passersby attempted to ad- Dartmouth undergraduates Chris within the system itself, James Wright. protest, a bunch of tough guys will be of such a purchase. Said Director of minister first aid to the ailing Plehal and Nic Duquette. In a Wright keeps his own collection of holding a hunger strike to decrease Safety and Security Larry Binne Jr., Keggy. One woman attempted to prepared statement to the fabled creatures including sphinxes, the campus Dartmouth Chronicles of “The minivans previously allocated revive him by vigorously pump- Dartmovth, Plehal announced that Narnia Society presence. to Safety and Security were ineffi- ing his tap, but instead tragically he “had never before felt so empty, cient. They did not have the handling The Dartmovth exacerbated Keggy’s loss of fluid. so bereaved, and yet so, so self- Mark Watch necessary to chase down youths in a USPS 1234567 ISSN 0987-7890 Another citizen gave Keggy referential. The pain of our loss is © Copyright 2004, high-speed off-road pursuit through The Jack-O-Lantern Humor Society mouth-to-spout recusitation, but only matched by the agony of our fierce New Hampshire snow drifts, Kevin Pedersen 05 Cole Entress was not able to maintain the pro- self-aggrandizement.” Despot Layer-Outer and once we picked them up, the child safety lock just wasn’t keeping them Relationship: The Jack-O-Lantern Humor Society, publisher of The Bad call with the Dartmovth, is an independent student organization funded trapped inside like we planned. With by Linda Kennedy and the fine folk at the COSO. Taco Bell dinner KEVIN PEDERSEN: Wordus Lastum, Conservative Op-Ed, our new Safety and Security Airborne date, Mark. Events at the Hop, Radical Records, Classifieds, Sports 121.67 to 119.08 Poll, Self Reference. NOAH KAUFMAN: Stinson’s Division though, we can just swoop Derecognized, Mirror Graphic, DDS Buys Pony, Classifieds, Vox, Pete’s Op-Ed. CHRIS PLEHAL: Wheelock, Dragon, down and devour intoxicated indi- Keggy, and Horse images, Senior Waiting, Ubiguous. NIC viduals.” DUQUETTE: Keggy (with C.P.). COLE ENTRESS: Russian ad, Squash Team. MATT GENS: Dragons, 10A Secret Society, Dartmouth now joins thirty- Rabid Mule, Greek System, Mirror Front Page (with N.K.), Entertainment News (with J. L.). CAL NEWPORT: Eilees, eight colleges nationwide that have Pong Loss. JOHN PAUL LEWICKE: Token Racist. KELLY MORR: Lifeguard, Poppin Fresh. TATE LEFEVRE: In/Out. already made the switch to dragons. Professional: DEBORAH W ASSEL: Phallus Op-Ed. JUSTINE S TERLING: Babies At other schools, the reactions to the Good job refill- Family: Column. CHRIS LAAKKO: Nerd Jostled. CONNOR SHEPHERD: ing the copy Your picnic pea- Sphinx Concert. BRENT CLAYTON: Study Abroad. beasts have been for the most part toner, Mark. All names contained in these articles are invented, except nut brittle killed where public personalities are being satirized, or personal consistent, with student bodies in 347.9 to 355.06 grandma, Mark. friends being humiliated in a public venue. general opposed and faculties en- 768.01 to 233.7 That’ll about do it for this. If you’re mining the title boxes for comedy you need to face up and realize you’ve thusiastic. Michigan State, a pioneer finished reading the issue. Now go outside. Patrick MacNulty/ Hanover Police Photographer in the field, has been utilizing drag- (left) Keggy, at the height of his unkicked glory. ons since 1999. Says Michigan State The Dartmovth (right) A police sketch of the suspected attacker. Junior Greg Portan, “Man, I hate that Jacko’s Oldest College Parody, Founded 1907. http://www.dartmouth.edu/~jacko The Dartmovth LOCAL Friday, February 20, 2004 3 Eilees ‘61 lives boring, Cooley enjoys theater, intolerance

RACIST from page 1 flaws in this thinking, however. Ri- tion to a select and diverse group of unassuming life val member of the Aryan Brother- youngsters whose unique and beau- very impressive candidate. He’s hood of the Vengeful Christ, tiful talents have earned them a place BY CHESTER B. ARTHUR real world,” explains Eilees, who for written up several fascinating pam- Seymour Blake, noted Matthew’s at Dartmouth. We will not falter, we The Dartmovth Staff 40 years proudly adorned his Omaha phlets on Manifest Destiny’s rela- lack of recent commitments to his will not rest, and we will not stop Mutual cubicle with a “I Stink, There- tionship to modern dance, not to racism. “Yeah, he used to be totally until we have fulfilled our demand Dartmouth alumnus Richard fore I Am” novelty poster featuring mention his starring role in Jesus into the Cause a few years ago. But for a 100% diverse Dartmouth. Mat- Eilees ’61 has lived an extremely a contemplating cartoon pig. Hates Foreigners: The Musical,” now he doesn’t really do much of thew has simply earned his place boring, unassuming life, sources to- According to friends, Eilees said Director of Admissions Sue that stuff. In fact, he mostly just goes among the elite group that includes day report. Graduating in 1961 with social life is also a study of tedium Petitt. straight home after school to play such luminaries as world Mine- a degree in English Literature, to and forced civility. “I ran into Rich- His interviewer, Robert B. video games. I bet he just made up sweeper champion Yolanda Kemp date Eilees has accomplished none ard during a business conference a Oglethorpe XIII ’32, had similarly some crap about his experiences be- and noted defenestrator Robert of the idealistic life goals he set out little while ago,” recalls former fra- glowing praise for Matthew’s quali- ing a racist in his application essay.” Frost.” for himself during his four years at ternity brother Chip Samora ’62, “we fications. He said, “The depth and Staffers from The Dartmovth Cooley remains surprised about Dartmouth. recalled old times, I made fun of his quality of his moral convictions and were fortunately able to speak with his newfound celebrity. He stated, “I had plans to spend most of weight a little bit, and that was about character is obvious to anyone who President Wright about the matter. “I never expected things to go this ’61 and ’62 exploring the vast deserts it.” To which he adds, “he really meets him. This is a College where During the interview, Wright men- far. I expected complete disaster of the Kalahari doing research for a didn’t have much else to say, I tried diversity means more than simply tioned Dartmouth’s history of pull- when I found out that Mom had book idea I was pretty keen on,” to convince him to come bar-hop- nationality or race. It means new ing in talented individuals from all filled out all my applications for me. recalls Eilees, “but then I got the job ping with me, but he said he wanted ideas and revolutionary attitudes. walks of life, including the noted It’s definitely very relieving to know offer from Omaha Mutual, so I guess to get an early start the next morning And Matthew is a very diverse per- kangaroo poacher David Graham that I’ll be attending a school with a that took care of that.” so he could hit the continental break- son in this regard, in his complete ’01, the sonorous nasal flutist Jes- rigorous liberal arts education and a Concluding 43 years of work- fast bar before the Danishes were all rejection of diversity, new ideas, and sica Kampfner ’96, and Mongolian diverse student body. I bet the next ing for the Omaha-based insurance taken again.” revolutionary attitudes.” Warlord Genghis Khan. He said, four years will really broaden my giant, Eilees retired this month at the Eilee’s wife of 40 years, Susan Others are quick to point out “Matthew is simply the latest addi- horizons.” age of 65. After four decades of Cumberdale, reports that married life service, which saw the lethargic rise with the former Dartmouth big man of Eilees from a Junior Claims Pro- on campus has been “pleasant,” to Study finds Greek system insufficiently Greek cessor to an Assistant Vice President which she appends, “that is if you BY LAUREN AUDER in charge of Actualization Disburse- consider a slow boredom-infused culture at large” as the most telling of the frat basement were crushed The Dartmovth Staff ment, Eilees was sent off with an march to death punctuated only bi- problem with the Greek system. plastic cups, beer cans, and an embossed plaque and an Omaha annually by a 80-second spasmodic Gary Williams, Assistant Profes- inexplicably large amount of Mutual coffee mug in recognition of attempt at love-making to be... pleas- An independent study con- sor of Classics, agreed, claiming, nacho fragments,” Miles said. his consistent, unremarkable contri- ant.” ducted last term reveals that the “I keep getting tossed from toga Some students, though, ques- bution to his former employer. “Overall, my life has been ev- term “Greek system” may be a parties during big weekends for tion the veracity of the diversity “The lessons of the great books, erything I hoped it would be,” con- misnomer, due to the system’s sur- wearing my chitan. I try to tell study. Said Panhel President and the concerns of post-modern cludes Eilees, “with the exception of prising lack of focus on Greek them that the Romans wore togas, Freida Lang’04, “That study is so semiotics that I studied with such my job, my health, my wife, and my heritage and tradition. “Not since but they never listen.” biased. Fall Term? Please. We excitement while at Dartmouth have asshole friends, I have been living the Dartmouth Indian has a na- Williams is not the only have four sisters from really served me well out here in the the Dartmouth dream.” tionality been appropriated in such peeved Classics prof; visiting lec- Alexandroupoli who were off that a way,” said head pollster Anne turer Miles O’Donnell recently term, honest.” Wantzum to the delegates at a performed a disappointing archeo- Regardless, the administra- special meeting of the improp- logical excavation in the basement tion is unlikely to impose any new erly-named Greek Leadership of Alpha Chi. “Whereas in the guidelines until 2006. Nobody has Council, “At least get someone fifth stratum of a dig in Greece, bothered to inform Chi Heorot of from Cyprus.” one would expect to find charac- this delay, however, and the whole The study points to “an egre- teristic pottery and marble frag- house has been eating gyros for gious misrepresentation of Greek ments, all I found in the fifth layer three months straight now.

- Introducing a great new alternative to FSPs and LSAs! - STUDY ABROAD: AT HOME! Check it out! Dartmouth now offers several dynamic new Study Abroad programs operating right at home in these here United States!

Environmental Studies – New Jersey (Newark) Come study and enjoy the grandeur and beauty of nature in majestic Newark, New Jersey. Harry Johnson/The Dartmovth Senior Staff Students will gain firsthand experience with issues of land and water use, ecotourism, and resource Richard Eilees tries to decide what color post-it notes to buy for the week, management along 50 miles of the New Jersey Turnpike. Explore the rich bio-diversity of Newark, which a decision that characterizes the gaping abyss of ennui that is his life. includes such varying species as pigeons, rats, and squirrels. Enrollment limited to 16 students.

Arabic – Ohio (Dayton) Thinking about the Middle East? Well, think about the Middle West! This new Arabic Studies FSP explores the rich Arabic heritage of Dayton, Ohio. Students will have opportunities to study the influence of Arabic on western culture by exploring such Middle Eastern innovations as numerals, and algebra. No guarantees that your host family will speak Arabic, or know much about the Middle East at all. Enrollment limited to 20.

Government- Washington (Spokane) The Department of Government will be offering a program that allows students the experience of working in a political office or organization in combination with a course of study designed to place the individual’s internship and academic experience in a general perspective of Washington (state). Experience the thrill of a (minor state) government in action! Enrollment limited to 20 students (±5%). 4 The Dartmovth OP-ED Friday, February 20, 2004 THE DARTMOVTH EDITORIAL BOARD Wordus Lastum Look How Cleverly I Make *** Look, we’re sorry that it had to come to this. We didn’t want Fun of Conservative Students to bring it up, really. We were content to let this little situation remain a little footnote on a footnote in the annals of our experience in This Scathing Op-Ed! living in the dorms at Dartmouth. But a few days have gone by, and Even though I’m a registered Republican, I bet the editors at that paper had red faces when they the problem has just sort of stagnated, and it’s forcing our hand. We can’t help but notice the buzz that these Demo- opened up the paper that morning! cratic primaries have caused in this great country You’d think after reading my articles, the weren’t going to say anything about this before, but look: the of ours. First it seems like Dean’s the man, then College Republicans would just see the error of Wheeler janitor really needs to get around to fixing that toilet. suddenly it’s Kerry... who’s next, their ways and disband. This one We understand that it isn’t technically in your job description that wacky Al Sharpton? Well, I time, I was writing an op-ed about haven’t done too much research the way the college administrators to do that sort of thing. Hell, we can sympathize; who would take on any of them, but I know they’re treat students, and I threw in a a job that required you to do something like that? But the problem out there, and I know one more little attack on our “friends” in the thing about them: not a single right wing. It came out of no- isn’t going to fix itself. Andrew was even talking about using the one of them is suited to take on where, I was all over keg violation women’s bathroom from now on, it’s getting so bad. He’s an the great leader of this country, issues and then wham! I threw in environmental engineer too, so trust us, he’s handled some pretty my President, Mr. George W. a little metaphor involving the Re- Bush. Oh, they might have lots publicans, Fascism, and the nasty problems in his day. Plus, he lives right next door to the men’s of knowledge about their “issues” Dartmouth cheerleading squad. room, so if he actually wanted to use the other bathroom he’d have and their “valid ideological con- Sometimes I like to come out of cerns,” but Bush has got one thing nowhere with my attacks because to go all the way down the hall. But he doesn’t care. He’s not going none of them do, and that’s piz- it hits you with your defenses to deal with this and neither are we. Sorry, but somebody has to zazz! It’s a kind of pizzazz that’s by Herman down... you might have been read- deal with it, and it looks like you just drew the short straw. going to take our country back to Tashy ‘04 ing my column and been thinking the blessed paranoia and Puritan- I’m Never Wrong of reasons why the administrators You know what? Go ahead and give yourself a bonus for ism from whence it came! Halle- were right, but no way were you doing this. Seriously, have the community director send us one of lujah! preparing to also defend the Col- Did you see that? lege Republicans! They didn’t shut down the those blitzes saying the whole dorm is going to be charged a few Did you see what I just did? organization after reading my article, though. I hundred dollars for the inconvenience. There’s like twenty of us You see, you started reading this article guess they’re just really thickheaded. thinking that it was going to be about some This other time was the best, though. I wrote on this hall, I don’t think anybody’s going to mind sending a little conservative student’s reaction to the Democratic a little short story about a little boy who got a tip your way for doing this. Plus it goes on college billing and primary. I got that out there right in the first line, remote controlled car for Christmas. I wish I had where I said, “even though I’m a registered Re- the space to reproduce it here, but long story straight to our parents, so a lot of us wont even notice the extra publican.” Remember when I did that? That was short, the boy turned out to be George W. Bush, charge. good. I bet you bought that little yarn of mine, the car was America, and the angry stepfather No, don’t bother trying to figure out who did it. Honestly, hook, line, and sinker. You probably told your- represented an ideological conglomeration of self, “Well, I’m not a Republican myself, but let Osama bin Laden and the recent tax cuts. That it was a few days ago, and I’ll bet whoever did it doesn’t even me go along with this guy and see what he has to was a great piece because it wasn’t just brilliant remember. Even if they do, they’re sure as hell not going to fess say.” You’re a reasonable person, open to other political writing, it was also a rousing story. You reasonable viewpoints, and I realize that. I even really wanted to know whether Georgew (that up. Sorry, but this is a case for you and you alone. We’re not saying fed you a few little tidbits of information about the was the little boy’s name... get it?) was going to we envy your position, but it’s time to sack up and just fix what different candi- be able to get his needs fixing. We’ll give you a break if you do this for us: no shoes dates to make you car away from the think that maybe evil stepfather, in the hallway, no scuff marks on the wall, we won’t even turn over I don’t mean to brag, but when it comes to I was going to writing op-eds for The Dartmovth, I’m re- because I used the garbage cans when Wednesday night rolls around. But come make a reasoned really good char- argument from a ally, really, really, really good. acterization to on, man. If we’re going to give a little, you’ve got to give a little, conservative make the people too. point of view. in my little tale. Then, just when you least expected it, pow! I Then when he didn’t get the car back, it made you It’s time to get that toilet fixed. came out of nowhere with a scathing attack on the cry (hey, no shame there! It made me cry when I very ideology I claimed to support! Bet you wrote it!), but it also made you think that maybe, The Dartmovth didn’t see that coming! this little boy president of ours is steering the I don’t mean to brag, but when it comes to remote controlled car that is our country right into writing op-eds for The Dartmovth, I’m really, the jealous hands of our angry stepfather/ eco- The Jack-O-Lantern’s Oldest College Parody. Founded 1907. really, really, really good. I mean, you can take this nomic situation/ elusive terrorist leader! how you will, but I don’t think I can remember a God, I’m just so fucking good at this! KEVIN PEDERSEN ‘05 Editor-in-Chief CHRIS LAAKKO ‘06 President single column that laced into the politics of the When you’re as talented as me, writing these ALEX LAWRENCE ‘06 Treasurer “American C student” quite as well as my own. I scathing op-ed columns becomes more than just KEVIN PETERSON Faculty Advisor remember this one time, I was doing a piece on the a way of passing the time. It becomes my civic BRENT CLAYTON ‘07 Writing, Art NIKOLAS NARTOWICZ ‘07 Writing reasons for the War in Iraq, or as I called it then, the duty, as a member of the United States of America NIC DUQUETTE ‘04 Writing, Beard LAURA PEARLSTEIN ‘07 Writing “War for Elect[ion]” (that’s an audio pun related to (founded on principles, remember, of Democ- ARNOLD ENGEL ‘07 Writing CHRIS PLEHAL ‘04 Writing, Art, Layout COLE ENTRESS ’06 Writing, Art, Layout CONNOR SHEPHERD ‘07 Writing our (p)resident idiot Bush’s reelection plans, notice racy, not Republicancy). I need to write these MATT GENS ‘06 Writing, Dress Code JUSTINE STERLING ‘07 Writing that if you say the words “Iraq” and “Elect” out articles because if I don’t, no one will. And then NOAH KAUFMAN ‘05 Writing, Art, Layout AMIE SUGARMAN ‘07 Writing loud, they sound kind of similar. My articles are it would never be clear to all you Dartmouth TATE LEFEVRE ‘04 Writing DEBORAH WASSEL ‘07 Writing full of little subtleties like that). Anyway, I listed students that anyone who calls him-or-herself a JOHN PAUL LEWICKE ‘07 Writing, Layout KELLY MORR ‘05 Writing, Art my views on the issue, but that was unimportant, Republican is just a brainwashed, undereducated CAL NEWPORT ‘04 Writing, Most of the Good Ideas just the whipped topping on the key lime pie of asshole who feeds off stereotypes and fear of OPINION & EDITORIAL POLICY circumlocution, and (2) that all submissions be tire- brilliance that is my writing. No, the meat of this other groups as he spouts his ideology like a The Dartmovth welcomes all contributions to its somely personal in nature, or take a polemical stance particular pie was much juicier; I found quotes on demagogue. And that, faithful readers, would be editorial page by mail or e-mail, provided that said on an entirely trivial, noncontroversial issue, or counter the web site of the conservative Review that actu- a shame. submission (1) meets our required levels of slipshod a previous op-ed column using personal insults and ally sort supported what I was saying if you read grammar, elliptical logic, flaccid analogy and stilted appeals to a nonexistent community spirit. them in the proper context of my op-ed! Boy, I’ll Herman Tashy ‘04 is a staff columnist. The Dartmovth rorriM Inside

Fanboy articles...... page 2 Inappropriate pictures. . page 2 Celebrity worship. . . page 3 Shameless pandering . . . page 4 DA hodgepodge of assortedr crap that couldn’t make it into our real paper. OMG! You’re In WHAT? The rorriM looks at some of history’s HOTTEST Secret Societies

We all know them! We all love them! But actually built the Himalayas and lived within where people “don’t” notice it, but actually do ing herring. Said Eric Zampf ’05, whose major we don’t all know exactly what they are! them for nearly eight hundred years, with a notice it and talk to all their friends about all is not Secret Societies and not even Aquacul- That’s right, we’re talking about secret societ- lifestyle centered around reality television, in the cool and mysterious stuff that probably ture: “That’s bullshit. There are no herring in ies, those controversial bastions of elitism and fact consisting of only one show, entitled, “I goes on inside those buildings. All suffering Bra- zil. They couldn’t have died privilege that have been around since who Wonder What that Silly Bloodthirsty Abomi- from a that way, not to mention the knows when. Well, we here at the rorriM have nable Snowman is up to fact that it cannot rain her- gone ahead and done a bit of research into the Today?” New members ring.” The Salatuna’s history of secretive underground organiza- were selected by winning buildings were all de- tions, and this is what we came up with. Read the show; all other con- stroyed following their on if you dare! But beware, this information testants would generally demise, when the local just might be classified! (It’s not.) be eaten by the Abomi- population went inside to nable Snowman. Confined see what was up, and Yootzen Society, Greenland, (567-34 B.C.) to their giant artificial tee- found that actually the in- pees, the Grelats found a side of a secret society This was the first known secret society, method of turning disgust- building is a lot like the and it is thought that these people were the first ing recycled air into delicious, inside of any other build- to call themselves by that name. The Yoot delicious hamburgers. Unfor- ing. people, characterized by their disproportion- tunately, this method that ate ten and one third (on average) foot long could revolutionize the mod- Kobingo Society, North arms, lived on Greenland for nearly a half ern fast food industry, as well America (1700 - 1773 AD) millennium without as other ever being visited. In- marvels This society made the major explicably, they were such as breakthrough of having fa- very much aware of the By Mister Yuck three- mous alumni that gave them fact that nobody knew hole- a lot of money and allowed about them, and they punches them to get even more noto- took great pride in constructing crude chants to that induced orgasms when used, riety than they deserved. make fun of the Roman, Greeks, and Gauls were lost to the ages when the Alumni of this society in- who were existing blissfully ignorant just sev- plumbing fouled up one day and clude both George Washing- eral thousand miles away. The Yootzen was a the Himalayas flooded with urine ton and the King of England, flourishing culture based primarily upon a and liquid scissors. The Grelatzern which led to speculation that primitive form of basketball, played with con- were summarily lost from history. the American Revolution gealed seal fat rather than proper balls per se, was really just a Kobingo as well as biweekly games of Texas Hold’em. Salatuna Society, That Place in facade and that no matter The society tragically ended in the year 34 BC West Brazil where Nobody Goes, who won, these guys would when its leader, Margrave Hulden Shoopuf, (1500 A.D. Ð 1502 A.D.) be in control, which has gathered all of his people in his chamber and never been confirmed nor stabbed them all with a sharp cantaloupe. No The Salatuna people were a denied. It led to so much evidence of their existence has ever been found. thriving society that existed in the speculation, in fact, that foothills of that place in West Bra- some angry farmers with Grelatzern Society, Tibet, (182 B.C. Ð 612 zil (that one where nobody goes) guns raided and summarily A.D.) from the years 1500-1502 A.D. destroyed the society’s Despite having absolutely no fore- headquarters. While the Yootzen has the position of the knowledge of the Yootzen and the first secret society ever, the Grelatzern is un- Grelatzern, the Salatuna accomplished the tragic geneti- And then some college kids deniably the second, and the first to follow the unlikely achievement of building upon their cally-derived herring allergy, they all died off got together in exclusive drinking clubs, and practice of tapping its new members. The predecessors. They were the first to erect during their New Year’s “Open Your Mouth to the modern secret society was born! Grelatzern society, very advanced for its time, large, creepy shelters hidden away in an area the Sky” fiesta when it suddenly started rain- D2 THE DARTMOUTH MIRROR Friday, February 20, 2004

Cryptic Sphinx message might mean ENTERTAINMENT “NEWS” Justin Timberlake recently came Bob Keeshan, TV's beloved Cap- they want a concert, or something under fire for attempting to chip tain Kangaroo, died last week at away the Statue of Liberty’s cop- age 86. Keeshan was reincarnated An arcane message sent to the funding meeting they would know cater to only those with cars, and per toga, revealing her right breast. as a real kangaroo, but due to mis- Committee on Student Organizations this stuff,” continued Taylor. also because not many people wanted He is in critical condition and not deeds in life, was only able to attain Monday has led to perplexity and While attempts were made to their cars soaped up by five guys expected to survive. the rank of petty officer first possible reach the wearing capes. And the kissing sargeant. planning for a Sphinx via booth, you know, just creeped people Following the success of his three Sphinx-re- blitz, they re- out.” oscar-nominated Lord of the Rings In February 22nd’s game against lated benefit By A. Nonymous sulted in fail- However, despite these com- movies, director Peter Jackson is in Phoenix, Kobe Bryant scored 40 concert, ure. The plications, a good approximation of the planning stages for The points and led the team with seven COSO names what the Order’s proposal may be is Silmarillion, Tolkein's dense his- rebounds and five assists. One spokeswoman Leslie Cochran re- “Sphinx”, “TheSphinx”, and moving through COSO, giving rise torical prequel to the trilogy. The thing is for certain: that man plays ported Sunday. “SphinxSecretSociety”, among oth- to rumors that the Sphinxsters have movie will be eighteen hours long basketball. “We feel fairly confident at this ers, failed to yield the names of ac- threatened Committee members with and star Adam Sandler as the Dark Lord Morgoth. Andre 3000, in his unending quest point that a weekend-long tual members of the organization’s psychic or mystical harm. Plans for to redefine the genre of hip-hop, celebratory outdoor concert best rep- brotherhood. the benefit call for a $220,000 Ashton Kutcher attempted a short- yesterday ordered two large sand- resents that which members of the An ’04 Sphinx member, who soundstage to be erected on the Green wiches from Subway rather than [Sphinx] Order desired while com- agreed to speak to the Dartmovth as featuring four “massive” fog ma- lived reincarnation of his celebrity prank show “Punk’d” by fucking a one. Bubba Sparxx has already posing their petition, and by corol- long as he was kept anonymous, chines and twenty-five four-position requested two pizzas from Domi- lary represents the best interests of exposited a bit further on the nature laser-light projectors. Parisian duo goat. ‘That dumbass never saw it coming,” he gloated. nos, and Ludacris has purchased a the Student Body as a whole,” said of the organization’s fundraising at- Daft Punk is to headline the show, “pair” of shoes. Cochran. “However, I will concede tempts. “The car wash was doomed which is to be co-sponsored by the that the method by which the Sphinx from the start,” he said, “because Sphinx, the Student Assembly, and Actor/Director Mel Gibson recently In an attempt to capitalize on the chose to relay this message makes you’ve already eliminated a good Collis Up All Night. responded to criticism of his up- success of final-season shows Sex the actual request nebulous at best.” portion of your student pool if you Neither the Sphinx nor Daft coming film The Passion of the and the City and Friends, UPN an- Eschewing the paperwork nor- Punk could be reached for comment. Christ by claiming that Muslims, nounced that this fall they will be mally involved in petitions for fund- Christians, Jews and atheists premiering a new comedy/drama ing, the Sphinx chose to submit their worked on the film and that race Friends in the City. The show will request on a three-hundred-year-old- and religion were never an issue. feature several quirky but attractive parchment bound in human flesh "Plus" he said, "the Jews who run women living in an apartment who and inked in what may be sheep’s Hollywood would never let us get don’t hook up or anything, but you blood. Languages utilized include away with that kind of thing.” know, just keep it real. Hebrew, Old English, Aramaic, and Sanskrit. After bringing in several experts to translate the text, it has been determined that the brother- Senior still waiting to be hood of the Sphinx would like “a French or Bulgarian based, neo-elec- tronic band to perform on the Green please. Oh, and make sure there are tapped by secret society snacks too.” Despite having completed half Deere trucker hat, even to sleep, and The submission sparked a flurry of his senior year, Mike Nichols ‘04 frequently complains that people are of debate amongst COSO members, is still waiting to be tapped for one of “all up in his grill.” some of whom, like vice chair Jes- Dartmouth’s elite secret societies. In preparation for induction, sica Taylor, expressed worry over Karen Fellin/The Dartmovth Staff Most societ- Nichols has An early, failed attempt at a Sphinx-led fundraiser. the giving of funds to the Sphinx. ies tradition- already “First of all, I’m pretty sure the ally induct By Buster McNutt shaved the Sphinx is a selective organization. It new members hair of sev- is COSO policy never to give money during their eral discreet to selective organizations. The Aires junior year, making decisions in the locations on his body, giving his don’t get any money from us and just fall and tapping students in the win- future brothers a clean area on which look at how successful they are,” ter or spring. “I was off last fall, so to place his secret tattoo. “I’m not Taylor said with a dreamy glint in I assumed that my name might not sure where they’re going to put it, so her eye. have been on the deliberation list. I shaved a lot of places. It would be “Furthermore, it clearly says in But when I didn’t hear anything by a little awkward if my body hair got COSO guidelines that a request for last spring, I started to wonder if in the way of my brand of everlasting funding must have the faculty there had been a mistake.” acceptance.” advisor’s signature in three places. As a frequent contributor to the Most puzzling to Nichols is the They only have it signed in two Dartmouth philosophy journal and fact that he has not yet heard any- places and they signed it with big an active member of the table tennis thing from any secret society about X’s. And any musical event must be team, Nichols considers himself a his bid. “My guess is that this is all approved by the Committee on Mu- “shoo-in” for induction into a secret part of the initiation ritual. They sic and Parties with Big Trampo- society. “I don’t know whether I’ll have to make sure you’re quality, lines (CMBT) that was just formed pick Sphinx or Dragon” Nichols told you know, so they probably leave this year. There is another set of the Dartmovth, “They’re both good, you in the dark for along time. It’s forms that still must be filled out. Karen Fellin/The Dartmovth Staff I guess, but this isn’t a decision that hazing, but they can’t get caught for Maybe if the Sphinx had bothered to Nichols’ room, decked out just in case some secret society decides to I want to take lightly.” it. That’s how clever they are.” send a representative to our termly come by and induct him tonight. Nichols, aware that secret soci- Nichols’ friends and acquain- eties watch new members closely tances are equally confused about Be sure to check out the rorriM next week, when we “pull the before offering them admittance, is the delay of his secret society accep- on a 24-hour “vigil of cool” to make tance. “I don’t see why they haven’t covers off” the sexual practices of Dartmouth studentsstudents! sure his every action is befitting of a tapped Mike” freshman roommate clandestine brotherhood. Accord- Jeff Stihl told the Dartmovth. “Other It’s the “SAFE SEX PULLOUT ISSUE”ISSUE”... coming next Friday! ing to his hall mate Dave Finn, than the fact that he’s an enormous Nichols refuses to take off his John tool.” Friday, February 20, 2004 THE DARTMOUTH MIRROR D3 Professor turns his class into a The deplorable and possibly secret society; Students oblivious illegal musings of an un- Have you given up on your pros- grade was based upon subscribing to As Alvin Wrong ’07 described, stable, crazy old woman pects for entering a secret society? the cephalopod of the month club “At the bottom of the course sylla- Do you avoid them because you find and leaving a chambered nautilus on bus, it said you could show up at Fuel them to be relics of an “old guard” of the Warner Bentley bust in the Hop? at ten at night on Friday for some Man, you know what really bience. Drape some babies around the college? Well, think again! So- No doubt. But bro, I’m so hung over extra credit, so I’m thinking, score, sticks in my craw these days? Ba- the room and it’s like a bunch of tiny ciology Professor Andrew Lolly has the day after meetings, I’m concen- Fuel! I’ll get an A, and some ass. But bies! They’re in my closet, my base- little cherubs with nothing else to do taken trating I show up, I’m the only one in the ment, my pockets! Not really. But I but make your evening delightful the on not room, it’s dark, a trapdoor pops up in was just thinking, wouldn’t it be and sexy. That’s right, these crea- initia- By Woody Longfellow boot- the middle of the dance floor, and the awful if they suddenly were? It’s a tures aren’t as worthless as they seem, tive to ing on next thing I know I’m licking double- possibility people. Kids these days as long as you can convince them to turn the sticked orange popsicles with old are sexing it up like rabbits. And shut up. one of his classes into Dartmouth’s slide projector; forget about caring guys in tankinis for three hours.” condoms are breaking like kittens But babies can be fun by them- newest (and most notorious) elite how all those dudes kept calling the As for whether Lolly plans to under the wheels of my Volvo. selves, too! Think about the holi- underground institution! teacher ‘Eminent Vituperator.” continue this practice in the Spring We’ve got a problem days... ever wonder Aware that most of his students Not only was Professor Lolly during his course on urbanization on our hands, and it’s what to get for the were either dozing off or not in atten- able to invite the entire regional chap- trends in the Serengeti, don’t bet on called the old “sexual girl or guy who has dance for his Tuesday-Thursday lec- ter over for an East Coast summit it. Clarified Lolly, “Actually, what I revolution.” So, if everything? Well, ture Fall Term 2003, Lolly thought with the only noticeable effect on the might do is tell everyone that the you’re like me, then I’ve got an idea that that nobody would notice if he used students being that a freshman mut- class is about secret societies, and you’re sitting at home upstages even a the time to conduct gatherings of his tered, “Wow, lots of people showed then when they all show up, and I see thinking to yourself, puppy in a stocking. secret society. He was right. up today,” but he was even also able those wide excited eyes, I’ll just start “There must be some- That’s right - a baby Said Sarah Standard ’04, “Well to indoctrinate a few members of the droning like usual. Then I’ll whip thing to do with all in a plastic bag! I sure, I thought it was strange how I class into the fold unwittingly. out my thirteen-inch penis.” these excess babies... don’t know about read the ORC, and it said this course besides stem cell re- you, but my friends would be about gender constructs in search, of course” are getting sick of the the adult film industry, and here the Well, maybe there can By Gertie bricks of cheese I’ve guy’s rambling on with ten other be! Figglesworth been sending as pre- men wearing karate outfits about Let’s talk style. sents. These price- how they’re gonna buy Starbucks, Why should pirates get to have all less little ones are a nice alternative. but heck, it’s sociology.” the fun? Attract some tail by perch- There’s no better way to say “I ap- For the latter two thirds of the ing a wee one on your shoulder. preciate you” than a colicky bundle quarter, Lolly held assemblies of his They’re all the company without the of holiday joy. brotherhood in the front three rows responsibility of an actual parrot. NEWS FLASH: midget toss- of Rockefeller 3 from 10 A.M. to And once you’ve snagged that ing is SO last year! It’s all about noon, while apparently disinterested special someone, you are going to baby tossing these days. Hell, I’ve pupils took lackadaisical notes on want a pad to come home to that seen parents doing this all over the what they just assumed would be on screams, “I’m eligible and imagina- place, so I know it’s ok. the tests. tive, damn it! Love me! LOVE Yeah, when you really think Explained Jessica Tacsit ’06, ME!” Picture this: you’re rushing about it, babies aren’t such a big “So, like, it’s the day before the around the house before a very im- responsibility. They’re fun and lov- final, and I’m in my PJs going through portant date, preparing the body oils ing and can brighten your day in lots my flash cards, and there’s all this and strategically positioning the of creative ways! Having a baby stuff about how Mr. Hooper from Knower Coughman/The Dartmovth Senior Staff glasses of freshly poured arbor mist would be a good thing, really! Now Sesame Street was always just a tool Professor Lolly begins a ritual on the altar at the front of his classroom around the bowls of spaghetti-o’s. if you’ll excuse me, I have to go take in a conspiracy to implant sublimi- while his students take notes, oblivious. GASP! Something’s awry: no am- a pregnancy test. nal thoughts in children’s minds to make them want Breyer’s pistachio EVENTS AT ice cream more than sex when they IN OUT 5 MINUTES AGO grew up, so it would put the condom THETHE HOPHOP companies out of business, and I’m thinking, please don’t let there be a CVS Eastman’s Hanover Opium Den Guy orders a long essay.” cheese quesadilla! None of the rituals seemed to Thursday, 6 PM faze the students, from the weekly Today Yesterday 300 Seconds Ago sacrifices of hatchling condors, to Old people comment the burning of books by authors with on the art exhibit! palindromes for first names, to the Hamsters Gerbils Boys Friday, 2 PM self-flagellation before a portrait of Funkmaster Flex, or even to the con- Warner sumption of Count Chocula out of Tom Cruise Elton John Anne Heche sapphire-encrusted goblets. Bentley statue Ben Howard ’07 added, “People tell me the professors here are all Thai Peanut Soup Poop gets touched! Split Pea Soup Friday, 8 PM really liberal anyway, so I never made much of anything. Besides, I was Studentsdo their usually pretty tired during class.” “Yeeeaagh!” “Wah Hoo Wah!” “Mortal Kombat!” Lolly even got away with hav- Art1 homework! ing his undergraduates perform vari- Saturday, 4 PM ous odd tasks for the fraternal orga- Buzzflood Blabberforce Bullshit Squad nization, under the guise of home- People check work. Byron Holder ’05 stated, “Did I Boobs Not Boobs Also Boobs their mail! think it was a bit off when 20% of our Sunday, 11 AM Compiled by Buster McNutt/ The Dartmovth Senior Staff D4 THE DARTMOUTH MIRROR Friday, February 20, 2004 Radical Records The Rabid Mule Catchy Cliché - Give A Rouse! (2003) What the Hell Was I Talking About? Every week, writer George Greaney calls his house to talk to his parents. Usually he does that on Sundays, I hate gerbils. Those fucking But computer speakers also little balls of fur and semen really suck ass, because gerbils mass pro- because during weekdays he’s too busy writing this column about music. get on my bad side, and this bad side duce them in Kazakhistan using co- is more like a bad whole perimeter. erced sweatshop labor. The ruthless Ah, the faces of the neo-garage Guess what? I’m a nonagon. That’s eighty-gram mammals are all like, rock movement. The White Stripes. a lot of angry sides that all wake up “Come on you former Soviet citi- The Hives. The Vines. They present in the morning in a hovel in the run- zens, cut this plastic for us with your a raw, unpolished sonic wall to com- down section of the capital of Ge- teeth,” and the poor Qazaqs are all bat the increasingly cookie-cutter ometry-land and decide in unison like, “You have not fed us in days. sound of the recording industry. And that they want to run At least do not drink while their music may sometimes gerbils through a the caviar out of the confound more than comfort (is any- cheap juicer. steins while we have body else tired of “Dead Leaves and I loathe the little to watch,” and the the Dirty Ground”?), there have also girl who lives down rodent slave drivers been some amazing high points (the the street. 37% of that are all embarrassed syncopation of the sometimes-absent unrequited hatred is because they realize synthesizers and high-hats creates un- because she owns a that they have caviar dercurrents in so many of these songs gerbil, and not just any mustaches. that it would be impossible to list gerbil, but a fat one I also get pissed here). And one need only listen to who eats my lettuce off when I hear about Give A Rouse!, the first record from and has raw-dog sex By David these professional Hanover’s own Catchy ClichÈ (2003/ with my girlfriend. wrestlers that turn in Paul’s computer) to find some of the My girlfriend’s name Black formal academic pa- greatest hidden treasures of the neo- is Alice. The little pers to Science, be- garage universe. This band presents a Photo by Greg (the keyboardist) neighbor bitch also goes by Alice. cause the stupid gerbils have to have sound that provides a similar rebel- The simple design of ‘Give A Rouse’ warmheartedly embraces the So sometimes, I yell things into the something to do with this one. I lion against the boring everyday of band’s indie roots. phone like, “Hey Alice, why don’t mean come on, who but gerbils could college rock-and-roll cover bands. you go impale yourself on the hood hatch a fiendish plot by which Stone Give A Rouse! came out follow- about Dartmouth, the polished insti- comes from this dilemma; you feel ornament of a Panzer tank?” and Cold Steve Austin and Diamond ing a period of uncertainty about tution where we learn to be a part of like the guy who hooked up, and you then I have to make it up to the other Dallas Page co-author a dissertation Catchy ClichÈ’s future. They had a Ivory Tower society. The rest of the don’t know if you should tell people Alice by watching foreign commer- that illustrates how the gene that pretty good bass player, a decent drum- tracks are about the unpolished and because you’re proud, or maybe be cials with her while we snuggle on expresses submission move prefer- mer, and a good keyboard guy. They gritty worlds of our actual lives. ashamed because you debased your- the futon. ence in Drosophila melanogaster just needed a killer guitarist. Fortu- The second song, Love of my self? It’s a vicious cycle that we try to I want to kill my geology pro- has codominant alleles? nately for all concerned, the bass player Heart, is even about a real girl that expose. fessor, because I’m convinced he’s Speaking of pro wrestling, I knew a certain George Greaney from Paul knew once (Paul is the drum- The bass line in Drunken Hookup half-gerbil. He breaks every five despise hip hop. I mean with all his Spanish drill. Mr. Greaney (me) mer). It’s pretty loud, which works as is really innovative. Daren (that’s the minutes during lectures to suck on a those crazy people spinning hot didn’t want to join up with some ste- a doppleganger for the angst that was bass player) starts going like big clear tube in the corner full of tracks on turntables and break danc- reotypical college band, but after hear- in Paul’s heart when he found out that GGGGGGGGDDDDDDDD whiskey, and that huge wheel he ing, who’s going to stop the mad- ing these guys jam he (I) was happy to the girl was actually dating this guy on AAAAAAAABBBBBBBB on his keeps behind the podium gets on my ness? step into the role of leading man. the swim team, and was only going to strings, which sounds really good, nerves hardcore. Then he gives us Girls who wear thongs with So yeah, this is an article about Food Court lunches with him because trust me. And then I start coming in these tests, and they’re not in En- neon signs that flash “Eat at Joes,” my own band. Don’t she wanted to be with chords to match, but with differ- glish, but they’re just covered in lots that’s also a bad thing. I can just see worry though, I can friends. She was cruel, ences, so I’m strumming on the guitar of scratch marks. He keeps asking those flipping gerbils snickering step back from it and but at least it translated with BBBBBBBBBBEEEE how my girlfriend is doing too, so amongst themselves as they hook up write an honest re- into awesome music. EEEECCCCCCCCGGGGGGGG. I’m convinced he’s in cahoots with a small but effective power supply to view of our record. For these other All this sounds really cool together. that eight year old girl’s little stud. the butt floss, wondering whose con- We are not some ev- tracks, we had to run Maybe it’s hard to visualize on a page. Oh yeah, and he craps on the floor in cept of self-image they’ll fuck up eryday campus band. into the DTV office and Anyway, that’s the end of the class. next once they’ve moved on past Every song on this steal some micro- CD. It’s only got those three songs Answer me this one, geology adolescent females. record is an absolute phones, hook them up because of some time constraints professor, if you think you can. If I can’t see you, David. I told gem. to Paul’s iMac and and lack of interest, and also be- sand comes from small rocks, and you not to get out of the chair! Get All right, so we record them in dorm cause we felt more songs would small rocks from from big rocks, back in the fucking chair! kick off with the title lounges. I mention this diminish the artistic weight of what where do big rocks come from? I’m God, I can’t stand non-alcoholic track, Give A Rouse!, because there’s a sort we had already done. Those three tired of people giving me that line milk. How the hell am I supposed to which is this rocking of buzz throughout songs (9 minutes and 21 seconds) of about them eroding off the sides of get a good buzz off of my Cheerios adaptation of the By George Love of my Heart that music will really change a listener mountains, too. If I want smoke before I go off to work if my Garelick Dartmouth Alma sounds a lot like two who’s willing to get invested in the blown up my ass I’ll put on a poodle Farms is only packing one proof? If Mater, which as far Greaney girls studying Eco- tunes. They are a chronicle of our skirt and run out to the bathroom the store is all out of regular milk, as I know hasn’t been nomics. Well, it is two experience as a band. where the giant man lives and writes what am I supposed to do about done before by anyone. Greg (the girls studying Economics in the lounge The record is available if you things on the wall. Beirut and cookies? What am I sup- keyboardist) had that idea, and we all as we practiced. We kept it in because blitz me (Greaneyisgreat@dart- I don’t really care for that giant posed to leave on the coffee table for liked it, under the condition of course it works so beautifully with the theme. mouth.edu) for only $3. It might take gerbil either, the one that follows the foul homeless man who slides that we could make it rock. The end Does Paul’s true love mean nothing to a week or so for me to get it to you, me to the gym and keeps asking if I down my chimney every December result, a listener would note, certainly you, Cathy? Is it all about the money, depending when I can convince Paul need a spot when I bench. Listen 24th dressed as Santa? achieves said rock. Be sure to listen to the economics? Also, the iMac bat- to find the time to burn it onto a disc you genetic monstrosity, I can put Don’t replace my deodorant my guitar solo between the verse about tery was running low and we didn’t from his computer. up 190 no problem, okay? Go maul with a stick of Icy Hot and think it’s giving a rouse and the verse about want to have to go redo the song some If you want to see Catchy a political activist or something. funny or I’ll run you through a con- setting a watch. It kicks a lot of ass. other day. ClichÈ perform, we’ll be at FUEL What is it with politicians put- vection oven and see if you’re still That song is probably the smooth- The third track continues in this two Fridays from now, at 9:00. We ting limits on Internet? You can’t smiling when you’re slightly more est on the record, because it was the vein with a little song called Drunken learned some Dave Matthews and put limits on something that exists on fire. only one we recorded with any real Hookup, which is about a drunken Phish cover songs to augment our only in your mind. I didn’t mean So that’s my conclusion on ger- studio equipment. This works the- hookup, the kind that we’ve all had original material, so we ought to be Internet. I mean purple fairies that bils. The Green Party needs shock matically, though; the first track is but don’t like to talk about. Its power able to do a full set. dance in my yard. torture. No real reason. The Dartmovth OP-ED Friday, February 20, 2004 9 I’ll Apply Abstract Philo- Lord Knows, Life’s Been sophical Theory to Real Life! Tough on Old Pete

When I first came to Dartmouth, I was really simply to perpetuate the endless cycle of female Lord knows life has been tough for old retired couple. Everyone knows that the prime excited. I had my Dartmouth hats, Dartmouth oppression! Pete. I’ve got the missing finger from the demographic we homeless appeal to is the 21- shirts, even a Dartmouth dog collar that I put It gets worse than that, though. I’m so glad factory, lost my farm in the great drought of 39 crowd. Honestly folks, this cup is not going around Fluffy the family puppy for a few weeks. I took this course! It really opened my eyes. ’57 and I’ve got a painful case of the gout; but to fill itself with quarters. Yes, Dartmouth seemed like a Even in the dining halls, places you small town, high-falutin Hanover types Recently I’ve been pulling out all the wonderful and majestic place, where women should be able to sure aren’t making it any easier. stops. I made a sign that said, when I first got here. But then I enjoy a meal unbothered by in- Now I’ve been homeless all “I’m deaf, please help.” I even took an absolutely amazing equality of sex, I am literally over this great nation, and I’ve went in to the woods to look Womens’ Studies Course and now slapped in the face; every time I never had the problems that I’m for some flowers I might be I know that everything is not as want to take a drink, I must put having now. I arrived a couple of able to sell. I WENT INTO innocent as it seems! another phallus (commonly weeks ago, pushing my shop- THE WOODS. Do you know Sure, you might think I’m known as a “drinking glass”) to ping cart full of cans, expecting a how much experience we my lips. just some crazy feminist about to vagrant’s utopia, but have I ever homeless have with the start spouting out ideology, but When I want to cut a piece of been disappointed. I thought I’d woods? I was lost in there for you’d be so wrong. I’m so not meat, what do I use? A knife, of set up camp down by the railroad almost eight hours! I even like that. But this course was course; use a libidinal object to tracks, maybe sleep in an aban- tried to set up a Three Card really, really interesting! Did you cut the meat to pieces. Oh, did I doned box car, light a fire in a Monty table in front of the kow that a “phallus” doesn’t have say “meat?” Because I meant to to be a penis? It can just be a say “women.” barrel and curl up with a nice Mascoma Bank, but nothing symbol of power! If you think by Cindi I read this article by this newspaper blanket; but where are seems to work with you people. about it that way, phalluses are Dotter ‘07 woman, Laura Mulvey, and she the railroad tracks? Where is the by Homeless I’m just a hobo trying to totally everywhere. It’s psycho- was writing about something like old tire yard where I can get fuel Pete make an honest living swin- logical. different ways men see women. for my barrel fires? I had to dling people out of their Take Baker Tower, for instance. It is the So I asked some guys what they thought, and my spend the better part of last week change and small bills so that very emblem of the college, the only building guy friend was like, “Yeah, I’m all for women’s sleeping in the archway next to the Talbots. I can buy some Wild Turkey or maybe some you can see from the highway, the most “beauti- rights. I definitely think they are The Talbots for Godsake! I don’t know how peyote (did I mention that the peyote market ful” and “majestic” of all the buildings on cam- underrepresented.” What does he mean by you were raised, but in my day men were men here in Hanover seems to be in recession?). pus. But all I see when I look at that looming “they?” What are we, some kind of hideous and homeless You folks are monstrosity is oppression in the form of a giant species meant only to be brought out for show to men did not denying me my phallus. And of course, the famous bells are a prove to the world that this college is on the sleep next to I’m just a hobo trying to make an honest constitutional constant reminder; originally there were fifteen cutting edge of sexual equality? I believe that trendy ladies’ rights. No, I bells, which covered every note on the scale what he meant to say was more along the lines clothing stores. living swindling people out of their change haven‘t read the except for E flat Ð of, “Even The days and small bills so that I can buy some Wild Constitution that’s “E” for “es- women these have not been Turkey, or maybe some peyote. and no, I can’t trogen.” So when Did you know that a “phallus” doesn’t have days are tall, any better than point to the ex- those bells ring long, and have a to be a penis? It can just be a symbol of the nights either. act passage, but out every hour, head,” turning us Let me tell you how my days go usually. I I’m pretty sure there’s a part that says I have they might as well power! If you think about it that way, phal- into walking generally spend my mornings staking out my the right to get money from strangers on a be ringing, “Men! luses are totally everywhere. It’s psycho- symbols of male spot next to a Popeye’s, a dollar store or some street corner and/or park bench. And maybe Men! Men!” Isn’t power! other high traffic area. Then I get out my there isn’t. So what? logical. I’m se- that fascinating? collecting cup, give it a few practice shakes, Don’t think that your failures over the You could riously glad I warm up the vocal cords with a few “got any last few weeks will come without their con- even think of the took this course. change”s or “help a guy down on his luck”s sequences either. I will be telling my home- name “Baker Tower,” as a phallus, if you get all It has taught me so much about the way the and I’m ready to work. less drifter friends about what it’s like here abstract, like I can. Just think about the name! A world actually works. Next term I’m signed up Now let me tell you how my days have and I wouldn’t be surprised if they passed baker is a man who bakes bread, generally in an for a course in Marxist thought. I bet it will be oven. Put the dough in the oven, in which the raw just as interesting! I heard Marx was like, totally been going lately: I spent my afternoon in front Hanover right by and went straight on to material is baked into a finished product. But I smart. of Ben and Jerry’s and do you know how many Quechee. see the truth! I won’t have any bakers sticking people came by in six hours? Two. Two their bread in my oven to produce more bakers, Cindi Dotter ‘07 is a guest columnist. people in six hours. And they were an elderly, Homeless Pete writes lots of columns. VOX CLAMORAMIS sincerest thanks for my victory - for our just off the highway near Virginia Beach, VA Politics Comes To Hanover victory - in New Hampshire. if you need a mailing address to send your He’s a Veteran offerings to. To The Dartmouth Community: Let freedom ring, Dear Whoever the Hell is Reading This: Sen. John Kerry Sincerely, I would just like to extend my warmest thanks I saw in your paper that a lot of you punk Zogthor, Scourge of the Cosmos for the truly astounding outpouring of support Hey Dartmouth: kids are running around shooting your mouth that you showed me during the recent demo- off left and right. Now listen up. I didn’t spend cratic primary. With the help of ambitious John Kerry is into little boys. A Cartoonist’s Lament two years fighting Charlie and then another students like yourselves, I am fully confident eighteen months in a Viet-Cong prison camp that not only will we be able to win the Sincerely, Dear Sirs: so that you that pinko, nancy boys could be Democratic nomination, but we will be able to Howard Dean pulling this subversive crap! If it wasn’t for win the election in November and send George I note with great duress that you have once me, you wouldn’t have time for this nonsense Bush and all his cronies packing their bags all One Man’s Opinion again failed to print any of the cartoons that I because you’d be spending the whole day the way back to Crawford, Texas. We can drew for you! I demand an explanation for getting beat up by the Commies! If you don’t give this nation better schooling, better job To the Editors: this! My cartoons are clever, cutting, and only all start acting with a little more respect, I’ll security, a healthier environment and a stron- very subtly racist! If you gentlemen continue show you what some combat training mixed ger future. We can do all this as long as we All earthlings bow to me, for I shall soon to fail to print my material, I shall take my with eighteen months of mental torture can do. have a candidate who is capable of winning be your ruler. Resistance is impossible and business directly to the Review! I’m a veteran, God damn it! the White House. I, John Kerry, am this will result in your slow and painful death. candidate. I, John Kerry, can lead us to this Bring me your women and your bounty or face Sincerely, Roger Boswell point. Once again, I offer to you all my my wrath! I will be staying at the Econo Lodge Col. James A. Donovan ‘39 Bismark, ND 10 The Dartmovth CLASSIFIEDS Friday, February 20, 2004

CLASSIFIED ADVERTISING RATES shall be resolved by duel. We shall meet as the STAN’S ROOMIE’S FLAWS by Devin Nitzi ‘04 UBIGUOUS by Bris Crehall ‘04 sun crests over yonder hill and shake hands not once, not twice, but thrice. At this stage you shall spit over a log. We shall then face away from each other, take fourteen paces, and turn. Presently, we shall adopt the roar of the most fierce native member of the savage tribes of the jungle, and race toward each other wildly swinging a sack of Burt Reynolds DVDs. May God shine his everlasting light upon the vic- tor! Following a brief but surely bloody me- lee, we shall negotiate a classified advertising rate. WANTED

EXPERIENCED POG PLAYERS for Pog team. Must have own Pogs. Dedication required. Meet at the BEMA Tuesdays 4-6 Mon-Fri. Blitz "BrazzSlamma." SOMALI-SPEAKING EMIGRATES EXPATRIATE. For Smooching. Blitz “Dionysus2k.” CAKE. Mmm, cake. Not the band. The best part about cake is that after you are done eating the delicious frosting, you get to eat the deli- cious insides. I’ll take any cake. Wedding cake, carrot cake, birthday cake, ice cream cake, even cupcake-- I would eat it all. Blitz “CakeGirl.” COLD, RUTHLESS KILLER. Some- body who won’t faint at the sight of blood and won’t be scared to get the job done when the chips are down. Not because I need anybody killed, I’ve just never met a cold, ruthless killer before. Will provide chips, dip. Blitz “aremyfeettoobig.” THE ALTRUISTIC LIFEGUARD by Sichael Ralter ‘06 SERVICES

FUNERAL OR RELIGIOUS. It’s all the same to me, really. Come by my room (204 Bissel) and tell me what you need. Knife throwing lessons also provided. SONGS SUNG. I’ll come on by your room or drill session and awkwardly sing a love song so everyone thinks that you have a spe- cial someone who sent me to you. But you and I both know that it’s just me, Jerry. Blitz “Jerry.” JUDGING. Former Supreme Court justice, down on his luck and willing to judge. Have experience with criminal trials and matters of Constitutional law; will judge beauty pag- eants, state fairs, drinking contests, sinners, etc. Blitz “Ghengis.” FOUND DOG. Cute and adorable. Gets the incinera- tor if not claimed in 4 days. Blitz “Lincoln.” APATHY. If you would like to claim it blitz “Wi...” ah nevermind. WALDO. Found dead in a dumpster near “the beach” amidst a pile of red and white striped shirts and hundreds of open boxes of candy canes. Also found: Wizard Whitebeard, 7 sets of jumping ropes and a man that looks like he FOR THE doesn’t belong. Please claim Waldo. He’s starting to stink. Blitz “WaldoFinDer.” BOOK. Titled “How to rid yourself of all your extraneous material possessions.” Leafed through it, don’t seem to need it any more. I’ll leave it on a table in Food Court, come and get it if you want. EMPLOYMENT LOVE OF TAILORS WANTED for exciting overseas employment opportunity. See the world, learn to be content with getting paid a single bar of soap a month. Have your work sold in retail outlets across the United States! Anyone over the age of 9 need not apply. PARTY BUS DRIVER. Do you like young, hot chicks? Do you like partying? Do you like driving the bus? If so, then you shoud be the GOD driver of the Party Bus! The Party Bus drives around, picks up hot chicks, and transports them to various party locationsÐÐ. Serious, relationship-crippling coke addiction not a write for the dartmovth. problem. Blitz “The Party Bus” to apply. WARLORD. Anybody want to replace me as or draw, or edit, or whatever. the vicious warlord of a war-torn Third World country? I took it over the other day and it was just come by the office. we have tv here. you can watch fun for a while, but now I’m willing to pass the tv! and work on making this newspaper with us in the torch. No coups, please. To apply, please come to my giant, opulent palace gilded with meantime. come on, it’ll be good. we swear. oh, and bring platinum and made with the blood and tears of food. chicken nuggets, if you can get them. the locals. The Dartmovth ARTS & FEATURES Friday, February 20, 2004 11 Nerd jostled in Food Court sandwich line BY SHET HEDLEY his status as a nerd. “They wouldn’t The Dartmovth Staff have fucked with me if I was Fitty [Cent],” he declared. He has is- According to a statement re- sued a strongly-worded statement leased by college student and nerd regarding the incident. “I find it Bert Sacks ’06 yesterday, he was extremely troubling to see the ha- jostled in the food court sandwich rassment and persecution of nerds line at approximately 6:30 pm on occurring on this college’s cam- Tuesday, February 10. pus. Dartmouth is the home to Sacks was waiting to order a many nerds, and it is important “Banana Log” wrap, as is his that we embrace each other’s dif- dinnertime habit, when he was, in ferences and physical/social/ his own words, “violently accosted sexual shortcomings. The flower by a really big baseball player.” of glorious intellect will never Sacks was carrying a tray laden blossom if the seed attempts to with two glasses of Fruit Punch germinate in an abusive soil of

The Dartmovth Powerade and a Rice Krispie Treat fear and self-doubt,” Sacks says. when his tray was brushed by the He is considering expanding on Tony the Pony strains with all his pony might against the Edy’s machine to which he is tied. hip and buttock of another stu- this statement and publishing it in dent, resulting in the near spillage The Dartmovth as an op-ed. of his beverages. Sacks considers Dartmouth College officials DDS raises prices, buys pony a second student an accessory to and members of the Hanover po- BY JACK O. LANTERN Dragon. “You see,” said Buckley, evenings Tony and I can take walks the jostling. lice department had no comment, The Dartmovth Staff who has been charged with the care around the farm and watch the sun- Sacks believes he was tar- noting that they were unaware of and upbringing of each of the ani- set. Those are things I just can’t do geted for this jostling because of the incident. Questions have been building mals owned by the dining company, with Happy [the Komodo Dragon],” over the past few years as the prices “each of my animal friends needs its said Buckley. in the Dartmouth Dining Halls have own special environment. Could a The student reactions to what Cannibal pastry on trial continually increased. The reason kangaroo live in the same sort of many are calling Ponygate have been for the high prices, which some stu- place as a Komodo Dragon? Of mixed. “Paying 8 dollars for a piece BY GUY SMILEY and subsequently eat, each and every dents have described as, “fuckin’ course not.” of fish that is about the size of an The Dartmovth Staff one of Gingerbread’s delectable, red- ridiculous,” and “more than I would The cost of these specially cre- index card, I just always assumed hot buttons. The two then greased the pay to have my food served to me by ated environments is approximately my money was going to fund a pri- The trial for the well-known pan with a generous helping of Canola that girl from Warrant’s Cherry Pie $8.6 million. The increases in DDS vate zoo or something,” said David Pillsbury spokescreature, Poppin’ Fresh, Oil, before Fresh lovingly floured his video,” was revealed on Tuesday. prices over the last 3 years have Eckler, 05. Sally Rosenbaum, 06, who is accused of baking, picking apart, victim one last time and slid him into Food Court employee David P. allowed DDS to construct homes was less understanding, “I asked for and eating the Gingerbread Man, began the 375 degree General Electric oven Buckley unveiled the latest addition for each animal in its collection while pony when I was 5. I’m still waiting. yesterday amidst a media frenzy. Mr. for 25 minutes. to what he calls “the DDS family”, a maintaining its employee health and Why should DDS get a pony while I Fresh has admitted to the crime, saying “He told me that he ran, he ran, Shetland pony. “This is my friend retirement benefits . have to buy undercooked rice and that ever since he was an unleavened ball as fast as he could, but no one could Tony, Tony the Pony,” Buckley said The reason for the most recent soggy green beans?” of dough, his fantasy has been to cook up ever catch him,” Fresh explained. as he fed his new pet a carrot and spike in DDS prices is due to the DDS is planning to increase and devour a sweet and spicy friend, to “All he ever really wanted in life was gave it a loving pat on the head. fact that Buckley has purchased a their prices once again this spring. replace the batch members he never knew. someone to catch him. I finally gave It turns out that the pony is one 600-acre farm just south of Hartland, The timing of the planned price in- Fresh contends that the Ginger- him that opportunity. It fulfilled both of several extravagant animals VT for his new pony. “I thought crease is expected to coincide with bread Man agreed to the act, and actu- our greatest desires.” owned by DDS. The company is Tony would be able to romp around the sale of a number of ring tailed ally joined him in his own mutilation. Mr. Fresh found his victim also in possession of a Bengal Tiger, free down on the farm, just like all lemurs on the black market in south- Purportedly, the two together care- through several months of reading the two kangaroos and a Komodo ponies should. And on warm spring ern Africa. fully used a melon-scoop to remove, advertisements on the insides of slice- and-bake cookie wrappers. “I wanted a partner who was soft Jacko references self and chewy, but who wouldn’t fall apart if you picked him up by one leg,” BY ODIE LEI writer Chris Plehal commenting on detailed Fresh, who apparently turned The Dartmovth Staff the nonexistent incident, though in down offers from a Yellow Peep (“too actuality, Plehal never gave a com- sticky”) and a Flavor Blasted Goldfish A page 2 article in the current ment to the parody newspaper un- (“too salty”) before settling on his issue of The Dartmovth, a parody less the writing of the article itself Gingerbread friend and feast. newspaper created by the Jack-o- can be considered a “comment”. As this is the first case of its kind, no Lantern humor society, references Further complicating matters is one is quite sure how it will turn out. “I Keggy, a parody mascot also created the fact that the current Jacko editor- mean, technically eating cookies isn’t by the Jack-o-Lantern, sources today in-chief Kevin Pedersen ’05, wrote a illegal,” said Martha Stewart, expert on report. The article, penned by Keggy humor article on page 7 of the Jack- both cooking and legal ethics, “But my co-creators Nic Duquette and Chris o-Lantern magazine that satirizes the God, this is just sick! Everyone knows Plehal ‘04, begins, “to the dismay of humor article on page 2 of the Jack- that you should never ever bake with the entire Hanover community, o-Lantern magazine that satirizes the unsaturated fat! Always use lard, or at Keggy the Keg was shot to death last mascot which was created in the fall least some friggin’ butter, preferably night outside the Hanover Inn.” of 2003 by the Jack-o-Lantern. freshly churned from Martha Stewart The article continues, describ- Said Pedersen, as he typed this Collection brand cows.” ing the death of the character at the article, “I don’t really understand Police chief Donald Smith feels hands of the Dartmouth Moose and what the postmodern implications that this will be a short trial ending in satirizing the mascot conflict that of all this might be. All I know is that conviction, adding that the evidence is was entirely created by the people I need to fill up the rest of this col- “tasty and conclusive.” umn with text so that the rest of the who wrote the article. Candy Storre/The Dartmovth The home of Mrs. Butterworth The conclusion to the humor layout on this page looks right. Ah, Poppin Fresh is searched by a member of the Homicide Squad before and the Keebler Elf magical tree are piece has Keggy co-creator and Jacko there we go.” his arrest. currently under 24-hour surveillance. Men’s Sports Women’s Sports

Cricket: at Edinburg (Today, 2 p.m.) Knitting: at Middlebury (Today, 6 p.m.) Golf: vs. Cornell (Fri. 7 p.m.) Macrame: vs. Yale (Fri. 5 p.m.) Boxing: at Madison Square Garden (Sat., 9 p.m.) Darning Socks: vs. Princeton (Sat., 9 p.m.) Monster Truck Racing: vs. UMass (Sun., Sun., Sun.!) SPORTS Rugby: at Brown (Sun., 11 a.m.) The Dartmovth Friday, February 20, 2004 Page 12 Big Green Squash defeats Big Green Debate at Squash

BY CHUCK BUTTER match, and I remember hearing some in a [squash] competition before. team somberly packed back into their wanted it more than us,” said Sprack. The Dartmovth Staff of the team saying that we probably In fact, the debate team commit- bus and drove back to their home sta- “Maybe because we usually do tourna- shouldn’t even be wearing suits to the ted numerous fouls in every match, dium—the Rockerfeller Center for Pub- ments in which we debate, and they Big Green debate team captain match at all, that we might as well chocking them up to ignorance or for- lic Policy—amidst frustrating argu- usually do tournaments in which they Regina Sprack ’05 was not happy wear workout clothes. If a team isn’t getfulness almost every time. ments over what, precisely, caused their play squash.” about her team’s performance last even prepared to wear their uniforms, “We really weren’t prepared for loss. Cases for everything from This win and loss for the Big weekend at the Dartmouth College what kind of message does that send this type of a competition at all. Point hungover teammates to unfair judges Green sets the stage for next week’s Squash Courts. about their playing?” of personal privilege is hard to under- were discussed, but the opposition rou- games, when squash will take on Yale “This is really unreasonable,” The squash team knew that a vic- stand, but their definition of unreason- tinely disproved them in the final round and Debate will hope to redeem them- Sprack said. “It’s as if the the whole tory over Big Green Debate would not able racquet swing is totally unten- of rebuttals. One thing they did agree selves in a street fighting competition team went in there with an attitude of come easily. But by focusing on skill able.” McElroy said. on, though, was that their team was against Vassar and some high school kids. Resolved: the Dartmouth Squash shots, serves, and actually playing the After the competition, the debate simply outmatched. “I think they just Team will score a major victory over game of squash during extra long prac- us today’. Seriously, we can perform tice sessions, the Big Green Squashers better than this.” felt confident going into the game. This saturday’s 9-0 loss to the Freshman Candy Jackson ’07 College’s official squash team comes dominated the first match, ending al- as a severe blow to a debate team most every point in one or two shots. ranked No. 2 by the American Parlia- “Practice has really taught me to iden- mentary Debate Association. Unfor- tify the weaknesses in your opponent, tunately, the team’s usually uncanny and play to those,” she said. “I could ability to deliver harsh rebuttals and tell after the first point that the people pick apart tautologies during debate I was playing with couldn’t really tournaments and in the debate prac- move in those shoes. I knew if I could tice rooms didn’t carry over to the make them run, then I could beat game of squash. them.” “I can’t believe this,” Terry The second match really put the Guernster ’07 said. “Brad and I have nail in the coffin for Big Green Debate. put so much time into the [debate] The men’s parliamentary debate cap- team that it’s really disheartening to tain Ezra McElroy went up against a see that the [squash] team could beat inexperienced freshman Ben Jaffrey us so easily. I mean, our table slaps ’07. But what should have been an easy and stuffy british interjections were victory became an embarrassing de- right on. We’ve beaten so many other feat as McElroy lost games one, two Sweetie Toots/The Dartmovth Photographer [debate] teams in the past, we’re all and three, sometimes not even coming surprised that this [squash] team in contact with the ball for minutes at a With an inappropriate exclamation of glee, debater Terry Guernster ‘07 lunges to hit a squash ball, which had stopped moving several seconds earlier. would be able to trounce us so com- time. pletely.” “I was so intimidated at first,” However, other members of the Jaffrey said. “I mean, I had heard that team were not so optimistic, a factor this guy was a total badass—really Pong loss attributed to partner which Sprack said contributed to the quick on his feet and just untouchable. loss. Maybe it was just a bad day for him, but Lack of experience, dedication cited “We were all suiting up for the he played like he had never even been BY BILLY D. KIDD Witnesses report that on the tion after receiving a glancing blow The Dartmovth Staff night of the loss, Calhoun vocalized to the head from Calhoun’s pong ASK OUR SPORTSWRITERS his concerns with Claybourne’s play- paddle. “As far as I can tell,” recalls What was a better role for Sean Astin: In a statement released early ing ability on several occasions. Hoftsnagle, “he threw the paddle to Rudy or Samwise Gamgee? this morning, a slightly hung-over “Matt kept yelling at Steven that he somehow save a sink.” To which Matthew Calhoun ’05 attributed a was ‘serving shallow,’” recalls on- she adds, “he then blamed my in- Raymond “Fuzzy” Porter - Rudy Friday night loss in a game of beer looker Tina DeGiorne ’06, “even jury on his partner.” pong to the shortcomings of his when it was Matt who had just When questioned about the playing partner Steven Claybourne screwed up the serve.” now-infamous pong game, Jonathan “Smith” Smith - Rudy ’05. The disputed game, which was Other persons present for the Claybourne commented, “Man, I played in the basement of the Psi pong game report that Calhoun don’t know. I guess I played a little Upsilon fraternity, ended in an em- blamed his partner for a variety of bit with Matt that night. Why do you Charles “Whisky” Forman - Rudy barrassing five cup loss for the other infractions including: the other want to know about it, anyway?” Calhoun/Claybourne team. team hitting a cup, the other team In preparation for this coming Fred “Specs” Arnold - Rudy “I believe that my overall level acing a serve, Calhoun failing to weekend, Calhoun has confidently of play was solid, if not admirably make a save, and Calhoun hitting an predicted a rematch victory, citing consistent considering the amount opponent’s cup on his serve. plans to find a new pong partner Carol “Girl” Johnson - Rudy of alcohol I had consumed,” stated According to Psi Upsilon with a greater capacity for sinking a resolute Calhoun early today, brother Peter Dolan ’04, “at one cups and properly handling slam Jack “Self-Reference” Lantern - Rudy who added: “however, as many point I accidentally spilled some of saves. In an official statement, will attest, there is no “I” in the my beer on Matt while Steven was Calhoun boldly decared, “Let me word “pong,” and one man can not upstairs taking a leak, sure enough, put this in a way you brains can John “Deoxyribonucleic” Dreck - Rudy win a game alone, therefore I must when Steven returned, Matt gave understand: I am to pong, what reference my strong career win him the riot act about how if he Boticelli was to music!” After be- average, and attribute our embar- hadn’t left, the beer spilling inci- ing notified that Boticelli was in Peter “The Greaseman” Jackson - Samwise Gamgee rassing defeat on Friday to the gen- dent never would have happened.” fact an artist, not a musician, eral malaise with which my part- One witness, Sarah Hoftsnagle Calhoun blamed the oversight on Paul “Bluto” Masters - Rudy ner Steven Claybourne played.” ’07, required mild medical atten- his pong partner.