INSIDE: President Wright Wins Hula Hoop Contest — News p. 8 Hanover, NH The Dartmovth Weather Today: Cold as a witch’s tit www.dartmouth.edu/~jacko The Jack-O-Lantern’s Oldest College Parody. Founded 1907. Tomorrow: Warm as a shaman’s dick Vol. XXXI No. 05 Friday, February 20, 2004 One Billion Dollars COLLEGE DERECOGNIZES STINSON’S Bagel Basement put on probation until end of academic year BY JACK O. LANTERN if we were, we’d want other busi- The Dartmovth Staff nesses to be on our side about this.” Bob was unavailable for comment. In a report released this Mon- Leaders of the Upper Valley day, Dartmouth College officials Small Business Association are con- have derecognized Stinson’s Gen- sidering responding to the College eral Store, citing a number of viola- crackdowns by voluntarily closing tions of college policy on numerous their doors in protest. They briefly occasions. considered not selling anything dur- Stinson’s earliest violation was ing Dimensions Weekend and releas- reported by Safety and Security of- ing a joint statement condemning the ficer Tyrone Levy who found ap- recent punishments as “overly harsh” proximately 40 kegs in Stinson’s base- The Dartmovth and “not really within the College’s ment. “No keg discovered on the The director of the OAC watches the now-defunct village stores, unseen and chortling evilly to himself. jurisdiction anyhow.” premises had been registered with the But Dean of the College James college. Not a single one,” said Lewis tions because of some hastily thrown Dartmovth William Bauer of Bagel morning to make bagels and we close Larimore said, “the notion of a crack- Carmichael of the Office of Judicial together excuse.” Basement said, “I had just finished at 4pm sharp. If they wanted a nice down is ludicrous. The fact is that Affairs. Carmichael went on to say, As the OAC charges continue giving this lady her half dozen and her brunch or something then maybe.” we’re enforcing our own long-stand- “an inspection was conducted three their climbing trend, The Bagel Base- cup of coffee when this guy with a The OAC refused to capitulate to ing policies in the same manner that months after the reported keg viola- ment was placed on social probation walkie-talkie comes through the door Bauer’s request. we always have. If businesses are tion and every keg was still there— for the remainder of the academic and started asking people for identifi- Carmichael said that The Bagel getting in trouble more often, it’s prob- not one had been returned.” Officer year. When asked why the OAC had cation. When I asked him what he Basement will not be able to hold any ably just their own carelessness.” Levy also reported other violations. issued probation to the local breakfast was doing, he grabbed all my cinna- registered events until the end of the Larimore also praised the re- “All the ingredients for an alcoholic spot, Carmichael said, “In the COS mon raisin bagels and said something academic year and that all sales will cently disciplined bagel shop for its punch were on-hand. There was ob- guidelines it clearly states that gather- about needing them for evidence. be closely monitored by the college, actions since the enactment of the vious intent to mix and distribute.” ings in organizations’ basements shall Those are my best sellers and he took saying, “we will be devoting two full new college restrictions, “Bagel Base- When reached for comment, occur between the hours 8pm and some cream cheese too—not the regu- time S&S officers to perform these ment has done a really good job in Laura Engleberg of Stinson’s said, 3am. When we sent an S&S officer lar kind either, he took onion and duties.. responding to College policy and I “look, I may be way off base here, but over for an inspection at 8am we chive. That guy still owes me $15.50.” Other Hanover businesses have think this probation will encourage I was under the impression that we found music playing and a long line In accordance with their proba- expressed concern over what they them to continue their outstanding were a privately owned business. Not waiting to be served God knows what. tion Bagel Basement has been or- consider to be a crackdown on com- efforts.” only that, but a privately owned busi- And some of the people found in line dered by the college to hold a sexual mercial organizations. Omer of Omer Hanover Camera Company, ness with a liquor license to boot.” In weren’t even 21! Somehow Hanover assault awareness dinner to benefit and Bob’s Sport Shop explained, “At College Supplies, Video Stop, response to Engleberg’s comments, High School students had gained en- orphans. In response to what the first, you hear about what Stinson’s is Hanover Kitchens and The Gap are Carmichael said, “The OAC [Organi- try to the basement, a failure to check college has deemed mandatory in or- going through and you think ‘no big also currently under investigation for zational Adjudication Committee] I.D.’s at the door I’m sure.” der to comply with the probation, deal.’ But then you realize that we possible underage merchant viola- cannot bend its rules or make excep- In an interview with The Bauer said, “look, I get up 4 every could very easily be in their shoes, and tions. Token racist admitted into class of 2008 BY LARRY BOBARRY However, not all members of The Dartmovth Staff the Brotherhood reacted with equal excitement. Supreme Bishop A mixture of relief and con- Adolph Kartoffelkopf said, “I think troversy greeted the Office of Ad- this could be a wonderful opportu- missions’ unexpected announce- nity for young Matthew to spread ment today that Matthew J. Cooley, the ministry of Aryan supremacy an obscure member of the Aryan even unto the wintry shores of New Brotherhood of the Vengeful Hampshire. But I’m somewhat Christ, had been admitted to the concerned, since he has been show- Class of 2008. ing less and less spontaneous out- The Cooley family was moved pourings of adoration for the glori- to tears by Matthew’s unprec- ous cause of the Bleached Jehovah. edented acceptance into Dartmouth Honestly, recently he’s been more College. “I never expected that my interested in Fountains of Wayne son’s white privilege would be than anything else.” enough to sway the cruel hearts of Admissions stands by its deci- those heathen academics. The sion, however, citing Cooley’s ex- Spirited Holy Archangel has truly traordinary leadership and extra- smiled upon us today,” exclaimed curricular activities. “Matthew is a Chris Plehal/The Dartmovth Senior Staff Matthew’s mother as she lit a vo- BOOK BUYBACK CANCELLED: After sprouting mechanical legs and a pair of 60-ton Howitzer cannons, tive candle to the Vengeful Christ. See COOLEY, page 3 Wheelock books storms down Main Street, killing everyone in its path. 2 The Dartmovth WORLD & NATION Friday, February 20, 2004 Beloved keg mascot brutally murdered BY DICK RICHARDS cedure for longer than six sec- The Dartmovth Staff onds, as counted by the gathering crowd. Despite his fans’ best To the dismay of the entire efforts, by the time that health Hanover community, Keggy the professionals arrived, Keggy was Keg was shot to death last night already long kicked. outside the Hanover Inn. Keggy had recently made a The assasin, a suspicious return to prominence after the hooded figure, had been lurking harsh light of national fame outside the Inn for hours before pushed him into seclusion. His the attack, reported eyewitnesses. future plans, such as driving the Tall and hirsute, the assailant was zamboni at Dartmouth hockey described as “both majestic and games and reinstituting the keg powerful.” jump by staging a “lie in” on At the time of his death, the Occom Pond, were tragically cut six-foot anthropomorphic keg had short. No last words are on record, just performed at a basketball game but several witnesses say that in and was returning to his hotel room his last few hours, Keggy gesticu- on the third floor of the building. lated happily and gave several The stranger approached him with hugs. Chris Plehal/The Dartmovth Senior Staff a sharpie and a can of Keystone College officials originally S&S officer Rodney Blizzy enjoys a view of the Green from atop his new, flying ‘minivan’. Light, apparantly seeking an auto- announced plans to bury Keggy graph. in a special plot in the Hanover Keggy, covering his mouth graveyard. However, it has since with gloved hands to indicate sur- become known that Keggy’s will S & S to replace minivans with dragons prise and delight, obliged, invit- strongly requests that his remains silver dragon. I mean, all the other chimera, unicorns, satyrs, and a kraken BY LARRY BOBARRY in the backyard of the president’s man- ing his fan into the lobby of the be recycled. He will therefore be The Dartmovth Staff dragons are green, so you know to hotel. The doorman had just commemorated with an “eternal book it, but once they started rolling sion. Dragons are natural predators to opened the door for the character flame” set in a special mosaic out with that silver one, you didn’t many of these creatures and Wright For as long as any current when the cloaked figure revealed bearing only the word “Imagine.” know what to do. That thing ate my fears for their safety. Said Wright, Dartmouth undergrads can remem- a hidden handgun, shooting Keggy The killer, still at large, is roommate’s legs, man.