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4-27-2007 The aB con [spoof], April 27, 2007 Beacon Staff

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For more information, please contact [email protected]. inside this issue Northwestern College engaged & underage PAGE 4 PDA pit to be created PAGE 7 facebook workstudy Bacon PAGE 8 Official newspaper of the SGA Fan Club, the Dutch Underground and people named after breakfast foods April 27, 2007 Freak May blizzard strands NW students BY SMILEY SPELLERMAN Iowa with snow and wind for the Under the tremendous weight or what I was trained for when I professors tried to brave the storm WAL-MART GREETER entire next week, stranding NW of stress and disappointment from became an RA,” said one Coly RA so that their students could leave The sound of thudding punches students for their first week of the postponed summer, the men as he shook his head, still confused as soon as the storm cleared, but and hopeless crying echoed summer vacation as they made up broke down. RA’s in the male about what had happened that to no avail. through the howling winds of a final exams. dorms were in shock as suddenly week. “I tried to get to school in order freak May blizzard that started Residence life staff tried to keep while attacking a player in a Halo The women’s dorms started to give my students their finals, Sunday, May 6—the day before students calm, but with emotions video game, one guy began to out almost the same way, with but it was impossible. My husband Northwestern‘s final exam week. running ragged, it wasn’t an easy cry. Others looked up surprised, tears and hysterics over the storm. used all his strength just to open the The blizzard assaulted Northwest job. but soon tears began to pour all However, those emotions soon front door. I tried carrying bricks in across the room. turned to anger and catfights as the all my pockets, so that I wouldn’t Emotions spread girls took out their anger on their be blown away in the wind. When l i k e w i l d f i r e friends. Staff took the initiative I finally realized that I couldn’t see and male dorms to safely take care of the rage my driveway when it was five feet were full of and let the girls use dorm lobbies away, I gave up. There was nothing disappointed, for informal wrestling matches I could do,” said one professor. c r y i n g m e n , on mattresses. It seemed to help Finally, after a week of blizzard holding tissues take care of the women’s energy conditions, the winds began to and each other and anger as they wrestled or die down to reveal horrifying as they worked cheered on their friends in their circumstances. Snow was drifted through their own fights. as high as second floor windows e m o t i o n s . Outside, it seemed that the in some places, tree limbs had been Residence life heavens and earth were having blown through car windows, and staff didn’t know their own fight. With over four the Abominable Snowman handed what to do, and feet of snow and winds ranging out yellow snowcones to anyone left the men alone from 50 to 75 mph, visibility was who dared leave their residence. It to work through decreased to six feet. During the was May 17 before all exams were t h e i r i s s u e s week of finals, email after email finished, all roads opened to traffic themselves. was sent to students as professors and students could leave for home photo by A. Bethlehem cruise Even the squirrels are stuck in Orange City with no place to go. “This was not postponed final exams until the with memories of a storm they what I expected weather cleared. A few determined would never forget. Study abroad in a truly cultural experience: Orange City BY PEACHES AND KUEHN directors are hoping to place Chicago Semester,” said junior Bitsy World in Le Mars. that students will experience Dutch TRASH FINDER participants in the homes of Orange Lil’Flirter. “But as I discover all I The semester will begin with a heritage at its finest. Taste homemade ethnic City residents. They hope this will can do through the OC Semester, week long seminar class that will Program participants will be delicacies. Watch children perform allow students to become more I’m looking forward to spending introduce students to the city and able to choose from a wide variety traditional dances in intricate and closely connected with the culture. another semester in Iowa.” enlighten them on the history of of classes including Introduction authentic costume. Listen to the Not only will the program foster a The OC Semester will offer the Dutch community. During this to Dutch, Dutch History, Dutch music of an age-old culture. Tour a love and appreciation for the Orange students a number of amazing week trips will be taken to The Myths & Legends, Business in a giant windmill and slip on your very City residents and community, it will learning and experiential Dutch Bakery, Woudstra’s Meat Dutch Community, Learning to be own pair of wooden shoes. Think also provide an alternative for those opportunities, including trips to Market and The Old Factory. Classes Thrifty and Marriage and Family you can’t afford this kind of cultural students who were not accepted Perkins in Sioux City, a rafting will begin the following week. Before Age 25. The Orange City experience? Think again. for other study abroad programs. journey down the mighty Floyd The semester will culminate with and NW libraries will be available Earlier this semester “I was really disappointed to be River, bonfires in nearby Alton and a Orange City’s annual Tulip Festival for student use. Northwestern announced the put on the waiting list for the tour of the Ice Cream Capital of the the third weekend in May. It is here Though the classes may be establishment of its first study challenging at times, students abroad program–destination need not worry about devoting Romania. The school is now all of their efforts to class work. quickly acting on plans for a There will be a wealth of time second program. Destination? to enjoy sunbathing on the Orange City. “I can’t believe NW’s campus green, taking we didn’t think of this sooner,” in movies at Holland Plaza said Study Abroad Guy Smug Theater, enjoying a fun meal Charleton. “I guess we just with friends at the famed Pizza take for granted the culture Ranch and playing lava tag in and vast opportunities that Kinderspeeland Park. surround us.” If you’ve ever considered the Beginning spring of 2008, adventure of studying abroad the Orange City Semester will or are seeking a way to meet offer students an affordable cross-cultural requirements, means of immersing themselves the OC Semester may be just in a unique culture. Living what you’ve been looking for. accommodations are still being To find out more about Orange made. Though dormitory photo by Gab A. Gale City, check out http://www. housing is a possibility, program Students on the Orange City study abroad program enjoy sunbathing on the NW campus green. orangecityiowa.com. 2 BURLESQUE April 27, 2007 A critical eisegesis on the vital issue of heterosexuality BY PEACHFUZZ who aren’t eunuchs or set aside Rome. Greece. Persia. JACK BUTT for the kingdom should “accept” Ancient Israel. A long time ago, back room God does not approve of marriage. Aren’t we all called to in a galaxy far, far away, the WITH A. BETHLEHEM CRUISE homosexual relations. But he also dedicate ourselves to the service Galactic Republic fell because does not approve of heterosexual of God? Without exception? Anakin couldn’t keep his hands When I survey the glorious organ pipes.... unions. God does not want Wouldn’t this imply that Christ off Padme. It’s only a matter of Just the other day, I was in chapel, enjoying the angelic sounds of the anyone to have sex. Ever. It says must have only been talking about time before God brings similar worship team and the melodious musical accompaniment offered by the so clearly in the Bible. Here; let NON-Christians when he said judgment against the nations glorious organ. your eyes be opened. that it is good to marry? today unless we repent of our “When I survey the wondrous cross, on which the Prince of Glory Jesus said that to lust after a If this sounds like too difficult heterosexual ways. died,” I sang out in my most worshipful voice. woman is to commit adultery with a teaching for you, Jesus has given God doesn’t like sin. When As I sang out my worship, I looked up towards the heavens to lift my her in your heart. This goes for you the option of becoming a people keep reproducing, they worship to my crucified savior. Well, not the heavens, per se. Actually, I any and all woman that you could eunuch. keep making more people who looked up towards the organ. lust after. He never specifies any Yes, there’s hope! You can can sin more. The more babies, The glorious organ, with its magnificent shiny pipes and glorious escape clause for married people, change from your heterosexual the more sinners. This doesn’t worshipful sound, encompasses the entirety of the visual front of Christ like some who try to twist the ways. Many people throughout make God very happy. Chapel. It was at this very moment in time, right in the middle of my Bible to suit their own hedonistic history have done so. All you The only way for all the sin worship, that I was struck with this simple statement: Christ died on the designs may think. You show need is a pair of scissors and to stop is for the reproduction to cross. me someone who can have sex lots of prayer. Also, maybe some stop. And that will only come Actually, the thought that struck me was not my own; it was a voice in without lusting, and I’ll show you disinfectant. when we renounce sex. my head and it said to me, “I died on the cross, not the organ.” Normally, I an Armenian Calvinist. Every This is why the scripture states Then, as a wise faculty member can ignore the voices in my head or at least have an interesting conversation straight man looks on a woman that when we are tempted, God has pointed out, Jesus will have to with them. But this voice did not want to converse peacefully. This voice with lust in his heart when they himself will provide a way out come back because humanity will meant business—it wanted to debate. have sex. “Ah!” you may say, “but for us. In the early centuries be ending whether he likes it or As the congregation was invited to be seated and enjoy the meaningful Jesus also said that it is good for of the Church, ascetics who not. Glory! words of our chapel speaker, I was disturbed by the words I heard from people to get married and not to abstained completely were seen In my house, I have a rock and that deep voice in my head. And, being a journalist who is thoroughly get divorced!” as the highest form of Christian, a sofa. If I throw the rock at the knowledgeable in practices of the Reformed faith, I worked to come up Yes. Married. He never said and some thought that only the sofa, it will fly back and hit me in with three convincing points to justify the seemingly Reformed worship anything about letting them have ascetics could be truly saved. the face. of the pipe organ. sex, which he already clearly But then liberals like St. See, it all comes down to this: First of all, the organ provides visual appeal to the intricately designed stated was a sin in his previous Augustine came along spouting God made Sally and Larry, not interiors of Reformed churches across the country. Having organ pipes commandment. off phrases like “grace” and Sally with Baby. It rhymes. That in the front and center of the church is just good sense. Personally, I have “But didn’t Jesus say that a “love” as if these things were means it must be true. never been in a church where the organ pipes did not encompass the entire man will leave his mother and more important than the inerrant front of the sanctuary. So John Calvin must have decided that this was the father and become one flesh with WORD OF GOD where it is best way to design the interior of the Reformed church sanctuary. his wife?” clearly stated that ALL believers QUOTE OF THE WEEK Second, Dutch hymns have always been accompanied by the organ. We have to interpret this in are members of the priesthood Without the vast display of shiny organ pipes, how would we be able to sing light of the fact that Jesus already and set apart for special work, Mr. Diggory handed Harry praise to our God? Surely we cannot worship with stringed instruments, made it clear that sex is bad, and which means of course that his wand and Harry pocketed as suggested by the Psalms. Dutch hymns were not written for stringed in light of what he explains next in ALL must abstain from sexual it. accompaniment; they were written for organ accompaniment only. So in the passage. relations. Period. Don’t argue “Come on, you three,” Mr. respect for our Dutch ancestors, who fled the sinful streets of Amsterdam in Understanding the temptation with me; argue with God. Weasley said quietly. But search of religious freedoms, we must dedicate the front of our sanctuaries that would be present in even an Why am I so adamant about Hermione didn’t seem to want to the glorious pipes of our organs. intentionally celibate marriage, preserving this biblical teaching to move: her eyes were still Thirdly, we should discuss the hymn at hand: “When I Survey the Christ goes further to explain that against the revisionist liberals? upon the sobbing elf. Wondrous Cross.” While it is important for Dutch Reformed Christians to those who renounce marriage for Look at history. EVERY SINGLE “Hermione!” Mr. Weasley know that Jesus did, in fact, die on the cross, we also need to understand service to the kingdom of God CIVILIZATION that has allowed said, more urgently. She the origination of this great Protestant hymn. Surely this hymn was written or who are eunuchs are exempt heterosexuality has fallen under turned and followed Harry with the glorious sound of organ accompaniment in mind. If we do not allow from getting married. Those judgment and ruin eventually. and Ron out of the clearing the front of our sanctuaries to be consumed by an uncountable number of and off through the trees. organ pipes, how are we to sing this song of worship to our Lord? Northwestern College “What’s going to happen Amen. to Winkey?” said Hermione, the moment they had left the clearing. BACON “I don’t know,” said Mr. Weasley. THE BACON is the student newspaper satirizing the The Boss of the World A. Bethlehem Cruise “The way they were campus community of North- Still Thinking Suzie Kumquat treating her!” said Hermione western College. The editors First Mate Blame-me Odelslice furiously. “Mr. Diggory, encourage their professors to give them passing grades and Jack Butt Peachfuzz calling her ‘elf’ all the time... to let them graduate, despite Queen of Busy-ness Bitsy Lil’ Flirter and Mr. Crouch! He knows the completely uncalled for, Trash Finder Peaches and Keuhn she didn’t do it and he’s still and sometimes blatant slan- der, in this year’s issue. All in- Beanpole Poura Lake-o-sun going to sack her! He didn’t quiries regarding monkeys or Picture Taker Gab A. Gail care how frightened she’d other related issues should be Fanatic Kay LaMastadon been, or how upset she was- emailed to joelw@nwciowa. edu. To obtain your own gold- Word Goddess Lady Been Eaten it was like she wasn’t even leafed edition of this year’s Wal-Mart Greeter Smiley Spellerman human!” issue, please send $20,000 in Restless Reporter Tyger Wrestler Well, she’s not,” said cash to the address below or send a blank check to cover Bacon Advertiser Snarl VanderSquirellen Ron.” the staff’s student loans. -J.K. Rowling in WORSHIP US: “Harry Potter and the Goblet 101 Any St. of Fire” Anytown, IA 55555 [email protected] TRAVESTY 3 Get rid of that stack of Beacons in the caf! BY BITSY LIL’FLIRTER long, and there are no make the paste you need. Then eat a healthier, happier meal. QUEEN OF BUSY-NESS bathrooms along the way. tear those old Beacons into strips Gift wrap. You know all those I’m sure many of you have seen I’m not sure if it’s legal and start maché-ing. Get some real seniors that are graduating? You the large stack of Beacons left in the or not to relieve yourself memorable things – your roommate probably got a present for at least cafeteria each week. Ever wonder on the trail, but given the for starters. Everyone needs a paper one of them. Use a Beacon to wrap what happens to them? Or what assumption that you may maché roommate to bring home over it up. Even the wrapping paper will could be done with them? need to, please remember to the summer. Then continue on with bring them fond memories of good Never fear, because I am here grab a few of the completely the campus cat, your favorite prof ol’ Northwestern…waiting in the caf to suggest the top 10 things to do biodegradable Beacons for and that special seat you like to sit line and reading the exciting news with those leftover Beacons! your wiping use. in during chapel. of the week… Or, if you didn’t get Umbrellas. With all this crazy Paper weight. No, not Grease blotter. As much as we anyone a present, just wrap up a weather we’ve been having, that kind of paper weight. love the caf food, we do have to admit stack of old Beacons with an old everyone needs to take at least Actual paper weight added that it sometimes is a bit greasy. Beacon and give that to a random five Beacons and use them as to your final papers. I don’t However, for your convenience, senior. Hey, a present’s a present. umbrellas. You know it’s gonna be know if you know this, located right outside the caf, you can Hopefully some of these ideas sunny one day and rainy the next. but profs don’t really read grab a back-issue of the Beacon to appealed to you, and if not, then just Take them. Seriously. those. They just pick it up use as your personal grease blotter. grab some of those leftover Beacons Bonfire. On the off-chance that and feel how thick it is. If it’s Simply lay on top of your tray and anyways. You never know when you it decides to not rain when you grab pretty darn thick, you get an press down lightly. The grease will may need to look busy as you’re that stack of Beacons, please find A. So write the first page, soak into the Beacon, and you can stalking that cute guy or girl. the nearest area where it’s legal to then put Beacon pages have a fire. This may or may not interspersed with a few be Alton Pond. Proceed to crumple blank pages of computer every individual sheet of Beacon. paper. They’ll never know PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY GAB A GALE Place in burn pit. Light with The torential rain has caused many students to grab the difference. match. Find dry twigs, branches Beacons as cover. Packing paper. We’ve all and leaves to add. Roast a few got to go home sooner or marshmallows. If the fire is dying tootsies, you might want to take later, and somehow we’ve down, add more Beacons. every leftover Beacon for about got to pack everything up. Given that Carpet. So you’re one of the three weeks. most of us end up piling everything unfortunate ones that ended up Insulation. And we thought the in the backseat and trunk, I suggest in a dorm without carpet. My snow ended in March. No such luck. adding a little buffer to protect your apologizes. Fortunately, there are Since we’re all stuck here with no precious possessions. Throw in now an over-abundance of cushy winter jackets, I suggest using the those old Beacons. It might be kinda Beacons to line your floor. First, extra Beacons in the caf to protect messy to clean out, but everything remove everything from your room. yourself against this cold. That’s will get home safely. Then layer the floor with as many right; stuff them in your clothes. It’ll Paper maché. We’re all artists Beacons as you possibly can. To keep you warm. at heart. No glue? Never fear; one ensure ultimate comfort for your TP. The Puddle Jumper is pretty part flour and two parts water Childbirth: the culmination of humanity BY LADY BEEN EATEN festivities of the bridge, Ciara was nature and retrieve him.” WORD GODDESS kidnapped by the notorious Dr. Lion at once understood it! In a As Ciara Haines went into Lamb. The venomous doctor had burst of genius thought, he rounded labor on 4-20, the thoughts which grabbed on to Ciara’s hand and up the many women and children, crossed her mind were filled with stolen her away to the room next and together, they formed a human wondrous dreams of her new baby door. She held the Haines’ baby chain. Lion went into the room son. The queen of the North had hostage from within Ciara. next door, and as the end of the been contemplating her fate at As Lion learned of the kidnapping, chain, linked onto Peaceful Vine. this moment for the nine previous he was overcome by deep sadness. Lion encouraged his son to use his facebook months but nonetheless could never All the rumors that had been spread super-developed legs and walk out QUOTES had expected what was about to about Dr. Lamb began to flood in of Ciara. In a triumphant parade happen. his mind. He knew that if he could of tigers, fancy rugs and trumpets, “Oh! Cheese in the crust! That’s tremendous!” Her husband Lion Haines rushed not think of a way to get his son Peaceful Vine emerged. He was - Profile of sophomore Susie Kumquat home from work, helped her down out from Dr. Lamb’s grasp and out healthy and cute and looked as the many flights of stairs and aptly of Ciara, he would never see his though one day he would develop “Really?? Did she have all her teeth?” drove her to the hospital. But Lion, new son, Peaceful Vine, or Ciara a nose like Ciara, one that had been - Profile of senior Blame-me, OddSlice in his fit of frenzy, forgot that the old ever again. passed down the royal family line hospital in Red-And-Yellow Town Suddenly a great ray of light for many generations. “I secretly wish my name was Samantha or Suzanne.” had been under construction and shown around Lion and began to With Peaceful Vine now safely - Profile of senior Windy Leaves-on-lawn was, in fact, no longer a hospital but converse with him in a low rumbling out of the hostage situation, Dr. now a very large bridge. of melodic notes. Lion knew that Lamb also arose out of Ciara’s womb “Help me take my pants off!” The bridge connected women even though he could not translate and greeted those seated nearby. She -Profile of senior A Bethlehem Cruise and children from around the world the many notes, they were the key explained that Lion had just passed a in a circle of hopeful hand-holding to freeing his son and wife. test on his fatherly duties and would “Just be a duck, and let it roll off your back.” and the giving of bread and cookies. With the tune in his head, Lion now rise to the challenges of a great - Profile of junior Poura Lake-O-Sun The women had brought their reached into his pocket for his flute warrior parent. Dr. Lamb excitedly children with them to the bridge and he began to play it. Many of the bestowed Ciara and Lion with a “God loves the hell out of you!” in order to escape the dark forces children gathered around Lion, and large, silver, drivable trophy—a - Profile of sophomore Silver Bells of sickness and sadness and raise in their simple ability to understand, reward for their gallant behavior. them in a glorious expanse of beauty started to translate what the flute And all was well within the land. And you thought Facebook was private. Think again. and truth. said. It said: “In order to gain your But, as Lion looked on the many son, unite the forces of humanity and 4 GIBBERISH April 27, 2007 MTV visits NW in search of young love Got BY BLAME-ME ODDSLICE on marriage. Trisha Diamond, of the high rate of engagement lives together.” FIRST MATE the show’s latest bride said, and marriage on campus. In a Student response to MTV’s MTV recently announced that “Planning a wedding is difficult statement announcing the voyage interest in Orange City has been Parking? they would be traveling to the enough, but it makes it even to Orange City, MTV said, “This mixed. Freshman Steponme campus of Northwestern College harder when you don’t have your campus has so many kids getting DeCamp, who plans to get in Orange City, Iowa, to film their family’s support. All weddings married, we’ve decided to film married this summer, said, “I BY TYGER WRESTLER next season of think that ‘Engaged RESTLESS REPORTER the hit show, and Underage’ This week’s question: Why do “Engaged and has an interesting Northwestern students suck at Underage.” a p p r o a c h t o parking? “We feel r e c o r d i n g t h e The explanation for the phenomena that there is real events that of crappy parking dates back to 1908, u n t a p p e d take place before and the invention of the Model T. p o t e n t i a l a w e d d i n g . ” When Henry Ford revolutionized the for amazing S o p h o m o r e automobile with his Model T, he said, r e a l i t y J a m e s B e l l , “Few of you will own one of these Model television on Steponme’s fiancé, T’s; go forth and take up as much space this campus,” also provided with it as you can, in order to tell the said MTV’s h i s i n s i g h t f u l world, ‘I am better than you and am the representative p e r s p e c t i v e , only one who needs to park here.’” So on Thursday. saying, “I get to be in the early 1900’s, people would leave “We’re very on TV!” huge gaps in between their cars in order e x c i t e d Other students to take up as much space as possible. a b o u t t h e are not as thrilled Psychologically, several generations possibilities.” at the prospect of later, we are unable to shake this desire. “Engaged MTV’s presence Therefore, on the NW campus, unless and Underage” on campus. “It’s there are strict lines painted to guide f o c u s e s o n going to be a huge us, students have this psychological couples in their distraction,” said desire to park like idiots. late teens or s e n i o r I va n n a Let me present to you a method that early twenties Nicholas, “I think we can all take to ensure that we take who are getting we have enough to up as much space as possible and do the married. Often, worry about in class crappiest parking jobs we can. the families of without having TV 1. If you are parking on one of the the couples, cameras recording sides of the row, do not park right next and sometimes our every move.” to the “open student parking sign,” be the couples J u n i o r A d a m sure to leave a large gap between your themselves, photo BITSY LIL FLIRTER DeWarf seemed car and the sign. are concerned The average age of NW students at engagement continues to decrease, along with the length of their marriages. just as concerned 2. When there is an open parking a b o u t t h e about the news. spot big enough for two cars, park in magnitude of the commitment are stressful, and planning one at an entire season here. Of course, “There are already so many the middle of it. being made. “Engaged and a young age may make it slightly there is a probability of drama, people getting engaged,” he 3. D o n o t , u n d e r a n y Underage” documents the drama more difficult.” but we’re interested in capturing said, “I don’t think the couples circumstances, park as close to the car between family members and “Engaged and Underage” the happiness between two on this campus need any more on your left as possible. Leave a large between the couples embarking decided to come to NW because people preparing to spend their encouragement.” gap there, to satisfy your desire, and take away that desire from anyone else. Ranting with Rhonda Van Ziegersma Dear Rhonda, Dordt in order to hook up with belong to Jesus or Vanden Bootie. I am a student at Northwestern the stereotypical emo/punk boy. In Many of the girls polled mentioned College and, try as I might, I just can’t fact, approximately 640 girls travel their dissatisfaction with the guys on find the kind of guys I’m interested in to Dordt on a given week to get campus. You are not alone in your on this campus. I have searched high their fill. feelings. Checking out your options and low and the closest I’ve come is One advantage they find in at Dordt is perfectly legitimate. Davey Crockett, who consequently, doing so is that their reputation If NW boys wish to appeal to I think should get a lip ring (as do at NW remains, and their the punk/emo-seeking-girl, they 87.9% of other girls at NW). promiscuous behavior at Dordt ought to: I’ve recently heard rumors of NW has no consequences. If you were to 1. Wear concert tees. girls traveling to Dordt College in travel to Dordt College on a given 2. Wear tighter jeans (not too tight, search of the emo/punk boys that are Saturday night, you would probably that’s gross). lacking at their own school. Is it true find a great number of cars bearing 3. Try sporting faux hawks and that NW girls are tired of the guys on NW parking passes. These vehicles emo hair. campus? Do you think it’s wrong for usually belong to girls looking for 4. Use eyeliner in moderation. me to leave in search of guys? men. 5. Go for tattoos and piercings Sincerely, A recent poll suggests that when —lip, no nose; eyebrow if you can Betsy Dunn limited to the romantic options pull it off; plugs, etc. available on their own campus 10 6. Take girls to concerts. Dear Betsy, percent of NW girls like Coly boys, 30 7. Ask girls out, don’t make them There is a good amount of percent like West boys and 58 percent go to Dordt. truth to the rumors you’ve heard like Heemstra boys. The other 2 Best of luck to you, regarding NW girls traveling to percent reported that their hearts Rhonda GARBAGE 5 Word on the street: Asking the truth of tulips As an Orange City tulip what are your greatest aspirations?

Two Too Tu True 2 Lip Lipp Lup Lupps Lyp

“I would like to grow in the middle “I dream of being threatened by “My only hope is to be worn “I’d like to be picked for a super- “My hope is to be ripped out of the behind the ear of a small blue-eyed, secret bouquet to be given to Karen ground by a devious NW student of Central Avenue until the third a psychotic, hungry rabbit and week in May at which time I will protected by an angry Dutchman blonde-haired Dutch citizen who Barker by unnamed students.” who is caught by the police and will love and cherish me all the forced to pay the $100 fine.” delight thousands of pilgrims with a shovel.” making their journey to the Tulip days of my life.” Festival.” Blue Smurfee finds new way to do sabbatical BY SUSIE KUMQUAT After his lessons in meditation, Smurfee headed STILL THINKING back to the U.S. for a technology convention in New Over the course of the past few weeks, President York City. Blue Smurfee put together a summary of his recent Smurfee hopes to apply the skills he learned there sabbatical. Many students gasped when they realized by speeding up the Internet connection and improving that the summary was over 30 pages long, and many the quality of Internet service provided at NW. more requested a summary of the summary. When he announced his retirement, he was quoted as saying, “One of the distinctives of NW that we talk “I think it would be a good idea for about is ‘a small campus with a large worldview.’” By professors to not assign homework to improving the Internet service, he hopes to enhance that large worldview. any student...How are they supposed to Along with that, Smurfee hopes to change the small concetrate if they have other homework to campus. As a final stop before he returned to NW, he do?” visited Dordt College’s campus. - President Blue Smurfee “Dordt seems to offer a lot in terms of recreation,” said Smurfee. “I think I saw a swimming pool, an ice skating rink and even a bowling alley? We could Smurfee’s emphasis over his presidency has been definitely add those to NW’s campus as well.” “a new way to do college,” and by leaving on this His plan is to add a separate building with these sabbatical, he intended to find those new ways. activities available. Smurfee’s first stop was the island of Fiji, where he Other plans for building include the new learning admits he very conveniently missed the snowstorm. commons, three new dorms and apartments, a separate “Snowstorm?” he asked. “That’s news to me! Right nursing lab and underground tunnels to avoid the ILLUSTRATION BY GAB A GALE before spring break….hmmm, that must have been the highways. day I learned how to surf.” W i t h t h e The ocean view helped Smurfee focus on the calm increased student and serenity of a non-stressful working environment, population that will and he realized that Northwestern needed to implement likely occur because this into their courses. of the changes, He is also considering the need for a water sports more parking is class at NW. All students in the class would take two also going to be weeks and travel to Fiji or another island to learn offered. various water sports, including surfing, water skiing “There is the and Marco Polo. space issue,” said Travel to an exotic island would also be implemented Smurfee, “but into the biology program, where students would spend I’m not opposed a week deep-sea diving and learning about various to having two ocean lifeforms. separate campuses Smurfee then traveled to India, where he met with one outside of with several Hindus and Buddhists to learn the art town. Isn’t that the of meditation. This helped him focus on peace and way other big-time serenity. Upon retirement, he is considering teaching schools do it?” a class in the meditative arts. With his new “There is debate about the homework load for plan, Smurfee only students in this class,” said Smurfee. “I think it would has one concern: “I be a good idea for professors to not assign homework to sure hope the new any student in meditative arts. How are they supposed president agrees to concentrate if they have other homework to do?” with all this.” 6 TWIDDLE April 27, 2007

photo by a. Bethlehem cruise

Senior Ned Lobsterbush loses his stick during rough play in lacrosse action last weekend. Lobsterbush lost a lot more than that after scoring his first career goal.

Lacrosse team scores community-building tradition BY A. BETHLEHEM CRUISE coveted the respect official sports The same idea will be upheld member of the college staff, who community-building tradition will THE BOSS OF THE WORLD teams get,” he continued. “If I had for the men’s and women’s soccer may or may not be the mother of a become another of NW’s greats. In keeping with their efforts to known that all we needed to do to teams in celebrating their first student athlete. “Running around in your become an officially recognized gain that respect was beat Dordt, I career goals. “It was bad enough when underwear is such a revolutionary sports team, the Northwestern would have pushed the team to win The golf teams will celebrate the lacrosse team executed this concept,” said Reekon. “It’s been a lacrosse team continues to annihilate years ago.” hole-in-one shots by playing the tradition,” she continued. “But I tradition in Colenbrander for years; I their competition. With their tremendous victory, following hole in their skivvies. shrugged it off, due to a severe lack don’t know why it’s taken so long for On Saturday, April 20, the sticks the lacrosse team also exerted their The track and cross country of fans at their contests.” the sports teams to pick it up.” came out in heated competition winning influence on other athletic teams will celebrate career best times “But basketball and football So Red Raider fans can anticipate against Sioux County rivals, the teams at NW. by running their next race in their games are a totally different story,” exciting athletic competitions in Dordt Defenders. Unfortunately, the Traditionally in the sport of underwear as well. she said. “People actually attend the coming year with the official Defenders did not live up to their lacrosse, when a player scores his Wanting to enforce the idea those games!” unveiling of this tradition to be name, as the Raiders defeated their first career goal, after the game, he of community through these However, despite some frowns celebrated at Homecoming 2007, fiercest rivals, 21-1. must strip down to his lowest layer undergarment clad runs, Grant from concerned parents, faculty in coordination with the 125th The Defenders were astonished of clothing and run a lap around the has sought out the help of Christmas and staff, Grant and the student anniversary celebration. at the unbelievable turnaround field with his stick between his legs. Carol and Pristine Sheerbra to athletes remain convinced that this the Raiders showed since their last Grant, seeing this tradition carried design special NW logo underwear meeting. In fact, Athletic Director out after the victory over Dordt, for Red Raider athletes. Cary Grant was so pleased with was intrigued and investigated Mock-ups of the underwear will the outstanding display of athletic the obvious community-building be available for purchase in the ability that he gave the lacrosse team experience. bookstore. President Blue Smurfee first preference to use Korver Field Junior attack Mitch Reekon requests that fans keep current during the upcoming fall season. told the press, “This tradition is weather conditions in mind as they “At NW, we pride ourselves on a great one in lacrosse—it builds don the supportive apparel for being able to beat Dordt in anything community on the team and allows various athletic events. and everything,” said Grant. “Since the guys to really celebrate their “I am thrilled with this unique Dordt has yet to establish a football accomplishments.” community-building venture,” said program, I have decided to allow the S i n c e N W t h r i v e s o n Smurfee to an unidentified Beacon lacrosse team to use the football field strengthening every possible aspect reporter. during their fall season as much as of community on campus, Grant Rumors have been heard to needed or desired.” decided that the lacrosse team had the effect that Smurfee is only “Now that I’ve seen them a great idea. supportive of the idea because of beat Dordt, I can’t wait to see the “We decided to implement similar his eminent retirement. Defenders lose at NW again and community-building celebrations in Other community members again,” Grant continued. every athletic event,” said Grant are shocked by this revealing new Senior middle Ned Lobsterbush “The baseball and softball teams tradition. remarked on this amazing feat. “The will celebrate homeruns and other “I just don’t understand how we whole team is so excited to finally be broken records with a jog around can convey a Christian message to recognized as an official NW sport,” the bases, dressed only in their the surrounding community when he exclaimed. undergarments, holding their bat our athletes are running around “I’ve been with the team since and accompanied by the pitcher,” in their underwear during these its foundation and have always Grant explained. public contests,” cried a concerned TWADDLE 7 GAMER PROFILE SGA to vote to install passion pits Davey Crockett BY PEACH FUZZ punishments against those who BY KAY LaMASTADON JACK BUTT engage in PDA. “If they just hold FANATIC The SGA voted today to vote hands, we can take away their Dual weapons, pilot aircraft, next week on the possibility electricity for a week. If they kiss intelligent enemy A.I…all controlled of having a vote to establish a without tongue, we’ll give them by your…fingers? committee to investigate the a contract. If they make out, we’ll Davey Crockett, Northwestern’s possibility of voting to create a slap their hands with a ruler,” elite video gamer, knows this all too committee to vote to establish explained the SGA president. well. Xbox’s Halo has brought great a committee to investigate the A compromise has been entertainment into his life. possibility of reviewing the Public proposed that would involve The Minnesota native has been Displays of Affection policy on partitioning portions of campus as playing as long as he can remember. campus. “passion pits” where couples can “My mom would say I’m addicted,” “Right now, we have no go to engage in affection behind Crockett said. “I don’t think I am, legislation on this issue. I hate to curtains. Only three couples will maybe I was last year because of the have anything so uncontrolled on be allowed per three-square foot connection in Coly, but not now. There a Christian campus,” said an SGA passion pit, in order to avoid the aren’t as many people that play in the spokesperson. “I think many people harmful effects of concentrated apartments.” on this campus think that the goal hormones. Other proposed He wants to someday put together of our campus is to make people policies include having students a tournament at the school so that more Christ-like go off campus students from all the dorms and from b y e n f o r c i n g “I hate to have anything so a n d d i s p l a y local high schools could go up against our definition of uncontrolled on a Christian affection in front each other. morality on as campus.” of the homes of For now though, he’ll stick with going many issues as local residents over to Coly to get his fill of the game. His possible, and I - SGA Spokesperson instead. “It’s skills are so excelled that often when he don’t think you ok,” an SGA goes over to play, he will be put on a team ever saw Jesus representative with less experienced players. This way kissing Mary Magdalene in explained. “We’ll talk to all the it makes the competition more even. public.” local residents first and explain “Everyone wants me on their team. I Some students agree. “Once that this is the hit they have to beat all the competition.” there was a couple kissing right take for the good of a more pure Crockett plays because he enjoys outside my window. PDA makes Northwestern campus.” the feeling of winning. He also says it’s me want to puke. That day I did Many other campuses across fun to get a group of people together puke. It stunk and ruined my America have been installing and play. dress,” senior Sally O’Neilly passion pits as well in order to “I think it would be amazing to have a team of “Everyone wants me complained. stem the tide of PDA. In order to four go play in a national tournament.” As of now, Harmful side effects of keep track of all these places for he can’t see that happening, but if he would ever on their team.” PDA include annoying people, people to engage in wild affection have the offer come up to play professionally for a accidentally biting each other’s away from the public eye, they few seasons, he would do it. go up against Crockett, then you should visit www. tongues and making single people have begun to number them with If you want to read up on the professionals, get mlgpro.com. Until then though, he will remain the feel left out. The SGA has decided Greek numerals. updates on the rules, or get tips to play so you can top player on NW’s campus. that it would like to see harsher Calling all forum-formers

BY PEACHES AND KUEHN students and has partaken in his Colenbrander when discussing hot TRASH FINDER fair share of panel discussions. topics and tough issues.” Have you ever had an issue He stated, “My boos need to get Master of all things psychological, about which you wanted to raise jiggy with some hella tight lingo. Dr. Hair Redpen, will offer insight awareness? Do you seek an easy Otherwise the panel loses all chances on what makes for a cognitively way to make information readily of being krunk.” effective forum. The power point available to all of campus? Would Preacher Man Marlin Man Sport used to illustrate these details will you like to provide an atmosphere will share knowledge gleaned be made available on Synapse for of curiosity and conversation for from his participation in numerous those who can’t seem to write fast those who share an interest in your forums on a wide range of topics. enough. issue? If so, then you won’t want to He will also stress the importance Other topics to be discussed miss Tuesday’s panel discussion on of creating a tolerant and open include: what to say during a forum, how to conduct a forum. environment. “I think it’s important how to avoid awkward silences, Listen to a variety of views for us to have these kinds of keeping the audience engaged and presented in an atmosphere of discussions,” said Man Sport. “If agreeing to disagree. openness and acceptance. Professor you can’t discuss current issues at a So, if you’ve ever wanted to hold Extraordinaire Dip Lose will be Christian liberal arts college, where a forum or are looking for ways to a two-fold resource, providing can you? It’s all a part of integrating be a better participant check out The information on the history of forums faith and learning.” Forum on Forums to be held at 7 as well as the proper use of slang in Man Sport further stated, “This p.m., on April 31, in Christ Chapel. panel discussion. is a place of learning. We should Chapel credit will be offered if Lose has been a favorite among have the community of Third West religious discussion ensues. 8 RUBBISH April 27, 2007 Student Development to introduce new Facebook Tattler position BY POURA LAKE-O-SUN are several provisions in the handbook that BEANPOLE are often overlooked,” he said, “and I believe A new campus employment opportunity will be enforcing those would improve the community available next year, but because of its top-secret nature, of Northwestern.” you’re not likely to hear much about it. It is the position of One suggested area would be that of language. Facebook Tattler, a job whose responsibilities exist solely According to the student handbook, “The of perusing students’ photo albums, printing photos in language that we use says a lot about who we violation of school policies and relinquishing them to the are and where our priorities lie….Profanity, proper authorities. vulgarity and all other inappropriate language Student Development has decided to implement the will not be tolerated within this community.” position after the success of a trial run this year. Through If Student Development chooses to go that the use of such covert tactics, a record number of contracts route, students could be disciplined for comments were distributed this year, to students who using vulgarity that they leave earlier may have scoffed at the reach of “Because Facebook is a on other students’ walls and authority into their adult lives. public forum, any comments photos, with punishment most The current tattletale, speaking on made there must be treated likely being the receiving of a condition of anonymity and who for this like ones overheard in the contract. purpose will be referred to as Peeping Tom, cafeteria or other campus Handsome also noted that commented on the rigors and rewards of location.” the inspection of comments his work. could lead to contracts for “It’s a tough job, but somebody’s got to - Rich And Handsome other violations, for instance do it,” said Tom. “I know it wouldn’t make if alcohol or sexual activity me the most popular student on campus if word got out, are mentioned. A wall post like, “Do you even but I wouldn’t do it if I didn’t believe in the cause.” remember calling me last night? You sounded Despite his commitment to his work, Tom noted the soo drunk!’” could be grounds for discipline, difficulty of being, in a sense, a double agent. “The hardest according to Handsome. “Because Facebook is thing has probably been trying to keep it from my friends,” a public forum, any comments made there must he said. be treated like ones overheard in the cafeteria or Although the tattler’s work has been largely confined other campus location,” said Handsome. to violations concerning alcohol, the department is However, students who have caught wind of considering expanding the position to crack down on other the Facebook tattler have protested the invasion. infringements of campus policies. “I think it’s pretty ridiculous,” said one student. illustration by A. BethlEhem Cruise Residence Life Stud Rich And Handsome commented “What are they going to do next, start planting This student would be penalized because of the profanity and other inappropriate on the department’s future goals for the position. “There spies in the dorms?” comments on their wall. Underachieve in a community of lifelong slackers BY PEACHES AND KUEHN undeclared, belong to this low-key Possible inspiration for this Casey’s participating in a variety just as soon as the president of the TRASH FINDER group of the sub-par. is the upcoming “Free Beer” of activities. They also enjoy gaming program gets around to it. Trips to the local bar, spring and If you haven’t heard of the lecture. Though associated with the and plotting how to best move The Dishonors Program will fall chicken strip dinners and low Dishonors Program, it’s probably Dishonors Program, the lecture will heavy signs from their places on provide an exclusive seminar, demand classes with uncomplicated because its members haven’t gotten be held off-campus for a variety of campus to various locations around available only to program members, topics are just a few things in which around to advertising. Though reasons. Orange City. on the topic of getting paid without members of the Northwestern proud of their membership, they Rumors have also been spreading You needn’t be planning really working. All students will be Dishonors Program, can choose to tend to keep it on the D. L. Interest regarding the requirements that on graduate school, or even in required to research an occupation participate. Students of all different in the program, however, is on the must be met in order to join the graduating at all, in order to join this of choice in which they can earn a majors and minors, particularly the rise. program. Students are required to program. The application process is high salary while playing solitaire maintain a maximum GPA 2.0 and simple and will be available online or other such activities. take no more than the 12 credit hours required to keep full-time student status. Smokers are preferred, but n o n - s m o k e r s will also be c o n s i d e r e d . F i n a l l y , members are e x p e c t e d t o p r o c u r e a l l flatware and dishes from the caf that they use in their dorm. Members of the Dishonors P r o g r a m regularly spend time behind PHOTO BY GAB A GALE Underachievers work to maintain their image by stealing cups from the caf.