Current, April 04, 2016

University of Missouri, St. Louis IRL @ UMSL

Current (2010s) Student Newspapers

4-4-2016

University of Missouri-St. Louis

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Recommended Citation University of Missouri-St. Louis, "Current, April 04, 2016" (2016). Current (2010s). 228. https://irl.umsl.edu/current2010s/228

This Book is brought to you for free and open access by the Student Newspapers at IRL @ UMSL. It has been accepted for inclusion in Current (2010s) by an authorized administrator of IRL @ UMSL. For more information, please contact [email protected]. The Stagnant 1966 Celebrating 50 Years as 2016 SLUM’S INDEPENDENT STUDENT NEWS VOL. 49 ISSUE 1498 APR 4, 2016 SLUM Make Your Newspaper Degree A Is Offcially Combo Meal CATNIP EVERCLEAR AARP REDDITOR-IN-CHIEF

Eligible Te St. Louis University of Mis- SARAH THUSTRA souri (SLUM) may not have to worry about its $15 million defcit for much STAFF BITER longer. Te McDonald’s Corporation met with SLUM’s Chief Terry Sorrynot- ABRAHAM DRINKIN’/THE STAGNANT In 2013, the Saint Louis Univer- Provincial House on lock-down April 1 sorry last week to fnalize the franchise’s sity of Missouri (SLUM) celebrated purchase of the university. its 50th anniversary in its usual way, With this latest acquisition by with cow tipping, goose wrangling, ProHoe Ghosts Owe the McDonald’s Corporation, SLUM the pantsing of Chief Sorrynotsorry would fnally be out from under the and the consequential pants run across thumb of those members of the Mis- Natural Bridge, and free dessert on the $2 Million Back Tuition souri General Assembly who believe library patio. Tis year, it is Te Stag- LUCIE DARNAY classrooms and professors in their of- they are in charge of all aspects of edu- nant’s turn to celebrate its 50th year of FEATURES EDITOR fces. Tey have also taken to fickering cation through the budget process. Te bringing dishonest, mudslinging yellow the lights and banging on metal pipes at university would fnally be able to make journalism to students all over campus, Ofcer Adrian Ivashkof of the St. all hours. One resident of Villa, Natalie some real money from merchandising whether they want to read it or not. Louis University of Missouri (SLUM) Rostova, sophomore, undecided, said, with McDonald’s. Tis week, Te Stagnant will be Police Department spent the night of “I have so much respect for nuns but, McDonald’s spokesman Ronald publishing its infnite numbered issue, April 1 in the basement of South Cam- honestly, my boyfriend won’t even come NotMcDonald said, “Tis just makes as the newspaper does not recognize pus’ infamous Pro Hoe building. Ofcer over anymore. It’s getting really annoy- sense. SLUM’s school colors would standardized physics and exists solely Ivashkof was searching for four Daugh- ing.” still be yellow and red, the same color in a wibbley-wobbley timey-Wimpey ters of Charity who died in a freak Te Stagnant has received several scheme as us. SLUM also advertises dimension, depending on who is editor- ceiling fan accident in 1962. Te ghosts reports of non-consensual possession. its self as real value, and we think that in-chief at time of publication. Tis of the three novices, Mary Elizabeth, Although the reports have yet to be a value education is right in line with year, the EIC is our most beloved and Mary Lozario, and Mary Margaret, and confrmed, they have been passed to our value menu. Tat will be the same. trustworthy Redditor In Chief, Catnip their Visitatrix Mary Maria have been SLUM PD. People will just instantly think of Mc- Everclear, who according to local star haunting the hallways of the old Maril- While SLUM PD has declined Donald’s and SLUM from now on.” charts has been serving as head editor lac Seminary since their deaths. any ofcial comment, Ofcer Ivashkof SLUM merchandise will be avail- for the past four years and has two years While usually the sisters are peace- told Te Stagnant, “I’ve been working able at every McDonald’s. Each item left to go in her position before the ful, SLUM issued a statement on March at SLUM for 15 years and the sisters sold will help fnance the school, keep- next editor is plucked from the howling 31 that has angered them. SLUM ad- have always been just the nicest ladies ing school spirit up and money rolling abyss behind Lucas Hall and ofcially ministration, in an attempt to lessen the you could ever come across. I’ve never in to take care of that pesky defcit. Be crowned as a replacement. budget defcit, has announced plans to been one to hold a person’s corporeal- prepared to see SLUM icons as toys in “I hope it is a lesbian,” said Te seek reparations from the sisters includ- ity against them, but when you start Happy Meals for a limited time on Feb- Artist Formerly Known As Rando, Te ing tuition, meal plans, and room and using that ghost-y-ness against innocent ruary 29, 2017 starting with a poseable Stagnant’s token lesbian copy editor. board for the 40 years that they have students, something has to change.” action fgure of a dancing French fry, “I could really appreciate a talented been living on SLUM’s campus, since SLUM Vice Provost Augusta SLUM’s mascot. And do not be afraid lesbian in charge of the paper, someone the Marillac Seminary was acquired by Gregory provided Te Stagnant with to buy that kids’ meal with no child with a really great body of work.” She SLUM in 1976. the numbers being used in the suit accompanying you. You can do it. Get added a long pause between “body” and Te sisters have shown their against the sisters. Gregory explained a toy for yourself— you deserve that Continued on Page 12 displeasure by locking students inside Continued on Page 3 Continued on Page 3

INSIDE Sassin’ On Campus pg 4 SLUM Alums pg 6 Quidditch pg 9 Taken to Task pg 12 2 THECURRENT-ONLINE.COM April 4, 2016 THE CURRENT STAFF GAME CORNER EDITORIAL Redditor-in-Chief Catnip Everclear Cheif Private Eye Bea A. Fraid The UMSL MATH CLUB Presents Diffculty: Features Editor Lucie Darnay Sports Editor Quill Twiddler Problem of The Week Try Me A&E Editor Theodosia Burr’s Submit your solution to the problem below by Friday, April 8. Sex Dungeon Submit solutions to R. Dotzel 329 ESH ([email protected]) Opinions Editor Ronald Nightshade Copy Editors The Artist Formerly Tere was a young lad from Mizzou Known As ‘Rando’ Staff Biters The Artist Formerly Who studied math and history too Known As ‘Rando,’ Purple Hayes, He was really quite smart Miss Ingno, Ding a Ling, But couldn’t see how to start Saucy Longfellow, As THIS problem posed something quite new. Prudence Longskirt, Sarah Thustra Problem: Somewhere, USA is comprised of 60% Republicans and 40% Democrats. 17% of the Republicans and 83% of the Democrats favor increased taxation of DESIGN candy bar consumption. A person, selected at random from Somewhere is found to Design/Production Editor Iss O’Ungry favor increased taxation of the consumption of all things candy bar. What is the Photo Editor Kappaton Capiton probability that this individual is a Republican? Web Editor Lucie Darnay Staff Photographer Abraham Drinkin’ Cartoonist/Artists OPEN Diffculty: Come At Me Bro

BUSINESS Business Manager Jasmine Walker Advertising Director Nicholas Perez Ad Representatives Sarah Myers Distribution Manager Quill Twiddler Social Media Director Simonne Kimble Archivist Ronald Nightshade

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Editor-in-Chief [email protected] Letter To The Editor Internships and Volunteer Positions [email protected] Te news article published in last week’s issue entitled “Presidential Search Committee To Host Forums,” was problem- Letters to the Editor atic, to say the least. From the very beginning, where you state that the presidential search committee will be visiting [email protected] the SLUM campus on April 4 from 3:30 to 5:30 p.m., I was ofended. For you to conveniently ignore that my Monday Twitter evenings are always spent babysitting my two nieces reveals just how callous you really are. Is this the current state of @UMSLTheCurrent journalism? Could you not have changed the date to April 3, a Sunday, the one day of the week I am always available?

Facebook I’m appalled by your integrity as a newspaper and cannot believe we entrust you to represent the opinion of the student /TheCurrentStudentNews body. It is a mark of insincere leadership that your editors do not consider the feelings of your readers. Sometimes, the reporting of facts is not paramount. THE UNDERSTAGNANTBy Catnip Everclear IS FACILITY THE FUTURE OF THE SLUM COMMUNITY?

BARTLEBY, SCARLETT O’HARA, KURTZ, Fresh Meat, Scribbling Junior, Gold-Digging Super Senior, Survival “I would prefer not to.” “After all, tomorrow is “The horror, the horror” another day.”

MON TUE WED THU FRI SAT SUN 61 61 64 55 55 70 63 36 53 42 37 37 52 49 April 4, 2016 The Stagnant News 3 Now You Can SUPER SIZE Your Education CATNIP EVERCLEAR REDDITOR-IN-CHIEF

Continued from Page 1 SLUM spirit toy. Chief Sorrynotsorry said, “With this merger, we can bring students the value menu deal they have always wanted in an education. With our special two for fve promotion, students can get two degrees for the price of one. Our student enrollment will go through the roof. We also hope to fnally end the parking congestion problem by add- ing drive-thru windows to most of the buildings on campus for those students on the go.” NotMcDonald said that they hope to bring more value to the campus and degree programs. NotMcDonald said, “No longer will students feel that they cannot get a job after graduation. Each The newly renovated facade of the inaptly named McTwain Athletic and Fitness Center ABRAHAM DRINKIN’/THE STAGNANT student will be eligible for work study So naturally, it is not just McDon- would have to pay to another employee Chief Sorrynotsorry said, “I want with the company. In fact, a degree in ald’s that will proft from this union. from a rival school. NotMcDonald add- what is best for all my students. So, a burger fipping can help students climb McDonald’s will now have a ready ed, “It is also good insurance against all school that makes tons of money with through our ranks faster. We also ofer a workforce with SLUM’s new mandatory this crazy talk of raising the minimum McDonald’s is great. We can get out of great retirement plan. Tey can contin- internship program that will require wage to $15 an hour. What do they a hiring freeze, maintain the roads, and ue working for us right through their each student to work for credit rather think we are made of... golden arches? It so much more. It will be a whole new retirement.” than the minimum wage McDonald’s just makes sense.” SLUM.” Valet Service Ends Parking Nightmares CATNIP EVERCLEAR hit other students’ cars, no more will portion of the fee will go towards park- system. Debbie Downer, newb, realist, REDDITOR-IN-CHIEF students park terribly and take up two ing and transportation, maintenance of said, “I’m a server on the weekends. I spots. Seriously, learn to park. Tat the roads, and student workers. After totally know that people don’t even tip Te St. Louis University of Mis- reminds me, now students can learn to you drop of your car, pick up a red and waiters 20 percent, why would this be souri (SLUM) has absolutely terrible park with Valet 101. yellow ticket from the student worker any diferent? Students aren’t going to parking. No news in that sentence. But Valet parking will be run entirely by so you can stop by the service to pick be making that much. Especially with there is news for parking. Starting next students with a supervisor who checks your car back up after class. If your class greedy SLUM keeping a percentage of semester or summer maybe, there will in on them via skype because SLUM lets out after valet hours, pick up the car the fee.” be valet parking available for classes cannot aford to pay for another em- in the valet parking lot. Problems said, “Tere will be those held between 8 a.m. and 6 p.m. ployee during the hiring freeze. Admin- Nora Problems, head of the new va- averse to change. But change still hap- Valet stands will be set up in a istration and students hope to make this let system said, “Tere will be a simple pens. Except when you’re talking about designated parking lot to ofer students a lucrative business at the expense of fee that students can pay via credit card, giving change at the valet stand. Tere a service desperately needed on a com- other students with cars. Te supply is cash, or student account. Tere will of will be no change. We can’t have stu- muter campus. No more will students short so demand has to go up. course be a discount for charging to the dents walking around with that much be forced to fnd parking when running Each student driver will be charged student account since no one checks money on campus. Tat would attract late for class, no more will students a fee each time they use the service. A that amount on YourView. We, uh crime.” students, will be rich!” Only time will tell if Downer is cor- Chester Field, super-senior, pre-law, rect. Till then, SLUM will close down ProHoe Ghosts Owe said, “Tis is an incredible bargain. A another parking lot to dedicate it to this service that has been missing for a long service. So good luck parking anywhere time. Now I can bring my Lamborghini close to campus. Te valet charge will $2 Million Back Tuition to school and not feel that its value will be on top of the parking sticker fee LUCIE DARNAY a total of $2,165,120. Gregory has also be diminished.” included in tuition, so get a car and get FEATURES EDITOR expressed interest in tacking on late fees One student is skeptical of the valet your money’s worth. and a “non-corporeal tax” for “all the Continued from Page 1 trouble it’s cost SLUM to take care of by saying, “For room and board we’re ghosts and bend to their otherworldly charging each sister for a normal room whims.” in Villa. Since every student who lives While legal battles against non-cor- on campus needs a meal plan we’re poreal entities are not unprecedented, charging each sister for a totally declin- the law is clear: all entities involved in ing balance plan.” Tuition is calculated the suit, corporeal or otherwise, must on the assumptions that the sisters have be present at the courthouse during lit- never become graduates, never went igation. Gregory said that while it may into optometry, were always full time, be difcult to round up all four ghosts, and never took a semester of. she “has every confdence in the SLUM One room in Villa times 40 years PD.” comes to $186,400, one meal plan for At the time of publication, Ofcer 40 years is $136,000, and tuition for 40 Ivashkof has not reported any ofcial years is $341,280. Added together and contact with the ghosts. multiplied by the four sisters comes to 4 Features THECURRENT-ONLINE.COM April 4, 2016 SLUM Gets to Sassin’ in New Building PURPLE HAYES STAFF BITER

For years, students at the Saint Lou- is University of Missouri have wondered about the mysterious Sassin Building that is allegedly located on Natural Bridge, despite the lack of an actual building. Mainly, they have wondered what the building is all about. Te name of it gives very few clues as to its origins or its purpose. Some have guessed it was named after Youbi Sassin, beloved ex-professor of modern art and freeform physics, who Hi Mom THEODOSIA BURR’S SEX DUNGEON/THE STAGNANT died over a decade ago in a horrifc accident involving two geese, a toy helicop- Sanders Memes; Talk to the Hand (and connection was hilarious, but Te Stag- ding stand-up comedian, I am pleased ter, and ennui. Others have proposed its required minor, Because the Wrist Is nant started dozing of ffteen minutes as punch that I can make my passion that, because of the Sassin Building Pissed); Shonda Rhimes Twitter; Overly in. Plus, no one had bothered to turn my career goal as well. Have you seen site’s proximity to the Music Building, Expressive Eyebrows. on the voice recorder that had been me at all the open mics on campus? I it refers to a musical technique, or some Te rarely advertised Sass major brought in for transcription purposes. really crush it on stage! People seem to kind of exotic instrument, like a man- falls under the umbrella of SLUM’s Now that the truth is out about love my violently misogynistic and xe- dolin or a kazoo. College of Education and Miseduca- the Sassin’ Building, South Campus has nophobic humor! If I add sass to it, who “Clearly, it refers to the act of tion because, according to Getcha, the something worth talking about other knows? I could run for president!” sassin a woodwind instrument. Like a program is all about “taking fools to than Pro Hoe and the big glass building Te grand opening of the Sassin’ bassoon, see?” said Peter Piper, senior, school.” She then added, “My doctorate that is being used for Freemason meet- Building is scheduled for sometime applied Netfix and chill, who would studies were on puns and wordplay, so ings on the down-low. People at SLUM between today and the inevitable heat not stop snapping his fngers after every it makes sense, right? It’s my specialty, are very excited about the prospect of death of the universe, depending on other word. “Like, me and my boy Chet literally. Have you ever spent a year on the Sassin’ Building and possibly major- budgetary issues. Tose interested in were down on the Loop just straight a thirty page analysis of a single Marx ing in Sass. switching their major to the School of sassin on our reeds, dig? Just sassin, Brothers joke? Didn’t think so. Plus, “I for one am very excited that you Sass are encouraged to take a hike, but bruh, hip hoppin’ that jam. I mean, if the education people have more money! told me about this, random Stagnant also submit an ofcial form of intent to we had instruments, see?” Isn’t that hilarious?” Getcha spent the reporter!” said Richard Pecker, sopho- change majors to the College of Educa- However, Te Stagnant has fgured next half hour explaining why that more, reverse engineering. “As a bud- tion and Miseducation’s main ofce. out the truth behind the Sassin Build- ing, with information gathered through a series of anonymous love letters, Is This the End of The Current and Brain Stew? secretive meetings in dimly lit trailers, THE ARTIST FORMERLY KNOWN Mossity, recently told Te Stagnant that ty, Kendall was scratching her turntables furtive glances across the quad, and a AS ‘RANDO’ Te Current had legitimate reasons to and rapping the praises of Salt Lake staf member’s archived Quantum Link STAFF BITER seek out afection from other partners. City, Dickinson was painting a giant account. Te truth is that everyone’s “My client knew that he did a bad thing mural of Lady Gaga out of chicken guesses until now have been horribly, Ever since Brain Stew started cheat- and was apologetic afterwards, but he blood—no sign of the chicken—and hilariously incorrect. Te real mean- ing on his husband Common Room has a side of the story that deserves Brain Stew and Shinyhead were smok- ing of the Sassin Building is not that Cofee to be with Te Current last fall, to be heard. Te Current constantly ing on the couch. When Te Current students cannot understand it; it is that the clandestine relationship has been complained to me that Brain Stew tried to ask what the trio was doing the sign leading to the mystery building described, in the words of one tabloid, never appreciated anything he did. Te there, Shinyhead reportedly responded, is wrong. as “tumultuous at best, steel cage match Current made all the money, and Brain “No, the real question is: what are any “Tat’s right! Wrong! Wrong, I at worst.” Teir start certainly did not Stew had the nerve to accuse him of of us doing here, man?” Brain Stew and say!” Tis is what Gwynna Getcha, bode well for the couple. Tey were running a criminal enterprise to make Shinyhead then laughed at that while Associate Dean of the No Nonsense initially brought together as a result it, since, in Brain Stew’s words, ‘no one Te Current sputtered in disbelief. (Unless Taken as a Minor) College, said of the discovery that Common Room could possibly want to give money to Mossity said, “Not knowing what else unprovoked after we read her the rough Cofee had a leaked Ashley Madison a business that’s all boring facts and to do, my client just ordered a pizza and draft of this article. We then requested profle. Unfortunately, the relationship junk,’” said Mossity. curled up in a corner playing Pokemon a hearty evil cackle, and the result- has recently turned sour, and according To make matters worse, Brain on his DS.” ing sound from Dean Getcha was so to their publicists, this time the split Stew has fallen in with a bad crowd. According to both Gewing and fear-inducing that our video production looks permanent. In particular, he has befriended three Mossity, Te Current moved out of team crawled out of the nearest window. Trouble started early for Te Cur- twenty-somethings with a reputation their house and the two have not In a series of interviews held in dif- rent and Brain Stew. Almost immedi- for being snarky, lazy, and disruptive: spoken since the incident. Gewing said, ferent trailers on South Campus, Get- ately after Brain Stew left his husband, amateur philosopher Brock Shinyhead, “I cannot even believe it. I mean, yes, cha explained to Te Stagnant that the he found out that Te Current also born-again Mormon DJ MC Kendall, their relationship was an absolute train problem is that the sign for the Sassin had a leaked Ashley Madison profle and way-too-avant-garde street artist wreck characterized by drunken fts, Building is missing an essential punc- that he was using to cheat with other Kitty Dickinson. Within a few weeks of cheating allegations, and petty insults, tuation mark: an apostrophe after the married men. According to Brain Stew’s encountering them, Brain Stew was re- but it was the train wreck that we all word Sassin, thus making it “Sassin’.” publicist, R. Gewing, “When my client portedly spending all his time drinking loved to watch. I know I needed to stay “You ever seen that episode of discovered the ‘Current-ly Horny’ with them, ranting about literature, and professional, but every time there was a ‘Monty Python’ with the Argument profle, he was devastated. Why would spelling everything wrong on purpose. development, I just wanted to get some Clinic? Wait, no, you’re all dumb mil- Te Current do this to my client after Mossity said, “Tose three might as popcorn, put my feet up, and laugh at lennials who don’t drive. Okay, never Ashley Madison had already destroyed well have moved in. Tey were crashing all the ensuing drama.” mind.” Getcha proceeded to explain one of my client’s relationships? And at my client’s home every other night Although their relationship appears that the Sassin’ Building is a way of Te Current wouldn’t even stop after he anyway.” to have ended, Gewing and Mossity ex- learning the divine and awesome art got busted for it. My client found out in Te breaking point in their rela- pect that there will be ferce legal battles of sass in all of its forms. To major in January that Te Current was using the tionship allegedly came on March 30 at for custody of the couple’s pet ostrich Sass, students must pick from one of profle to arrange bi-weekly trysts with midnight when Te Current came back Litmag. the seven emphases: Back Talk; Saucy Smellrive.” to their joint home to fnd the three run Mouth; Te Nerve; Dank Bernie Te Current’s publicist, Anne E. amok in the house. According to Mossi- April 4, 2016 The Stagnant Articuno & Eevee-trainment 5 ‘Salt: The Musical’ Impresses at Double Bumps THEODOSIA BURR’S time that semester or break out of the Actors treated each other with open plished feat for the Double Bumps SEX DUNGEON mold and get burgers instead, complete disdain, not bothering to disguise the performers that ended in cheers, tears, A&E EDITOR with beat boxing, breakdancing on top absolute gall in their voices as they and only two possible safety violations of cardboard, and a stirring micro-op- performed. probably ending in lawsuits against Double Bumps Performing Arts eretta by opinions editor Simon Wei At one point, the features editor, the venue. However, since the musical Center broke records in total number (played by a sentient Roomba with a Jammy Eikamon (played by student performed so well and beyond anyone’s of tickets sold for a single night as they mop for hair). Many in the audience actress Alla Dis, senior, butt science) expectations, Round and his fellow premiered the frst and last production were moved to tears by Wei’s song and interrupted the melancholy musical directors have decided that the Double of “Salt: Te Musical” on the evening gave the solo a standing ovation, which number “My Section Is Empty And Bumps has pretty much peaked and of April 2. Horsen A. Round, Manag- due to the theater being over capacity My Homework Is Late,” which she was can never do anything better than it. ing Director of Ticket Stubs, Hanging created a shockwave in the tectonic not even a part of, and went on a fve Terefore, they are planning to tear Chads, and Box Ofce SNAFUs at the plates underneath the building, trigger- minute rant about lazy writers which down the Double Bumps and turn it Double Bumps, sent out a statement ing a small earthquake in Quebec. somehow ended up about topless bars into a parking lot, making “Salt: Te that the Friday performance sold a Te production of “Salt: Te Mu- and banning cheese from the cafeteria. Musical” the fnal performance of the record three thousand tickets in under sical,” while low in budget, was high in She was then escorted of stage in an theater. Complaints and desperately one hour, despite the theater only hav- its main component: salt. Performers oversized red wheelbarrow. Needless to signed petitions to save the theater can ing seating capacity for one thousand would actually give audience members say, it was a confounding turn of events, be placed in a trash can and then set on people. the stink eye at random points in the but the audience rolled with it, much fre, as the Double Bumps has already “Salt: Te Musical” is based on the play, going so far as to fip one guy of to the surprise of the performers, who disconnected their phones and cancelled day-to-day life of the staf of Te Stag- who was scrambling through the mass shrugged and continued with the show. their mail service. nant, complete with a mock newsroom of sitting bodies to use the bathroom. “Salt: Te Musical” was an accom- as the setting on stage. Te newsroom is a surprisingly accurate reproduction of Te Stagnant ofces, down to the New Show Opens in Gallery Silencio suspiciously dank potted plants in the LUCIE DARNAY known gallery includes pieces by Branta of the Fowl Artists Club. “We’re all corner and the wailing haint who lives FEATURES EDITOR and art department darling Anatidae about art by geese but we don’t have any in the ceiling tiles and occasionally Aves, senior, painting. Aves is infamous other ofcial agenda. Any comments writes sports articles. It is a shame that Gallery Silencio is one of the in the St. Louis University of Missouri made by members of the club are their the fnal act involves one character best-kept secrets on campus but the (SLUM) community for favoring the own” Branta said. Others were not so taking a blunt axe to it all, destroying Fowl Artists Club is hoping to change medium of blood over any other. Being reticent. every prop in their path, but that is art: that with their new show, “A Murder morally against using the blood of any “I can’t believe people are surprised an unknowable, unquestionable force Most Fowl.” Te show, a collection of type of birds, Aves buys human blood by this,” club member Gander Cygnus, of nature that can never be explained or paintings, sculptures, and multimedia in bulk from local blood banks. sophomore, feather sculpting, said, properly funded by government entities art pieces, opened April 1. Her newest piece, “Fowlicide,” de- “Anatidae is always saying crazy stuf. It without ffty pages of paperwork flled Te president of the Fowl Artists picts the brutal murder of seven geese at makes people want to look at her art.” out in triplicate. Club, Anserini Branta, junior, feather the feet of one human holding a cleaver. Cygnus also mentioned the decision Te story follows fctional novice sculpting, said “honk honk hoooooon- “It’s a really personal piece,” Aves said. made only last year to include geese in staf writer Short Gymnastics (played nnkkk,” which was translated to Te “I’m trying to bring more attention to the classrooms of SLUM and, as Aves by SLUM Teater director Boxed Stagnant as, “We are very excited about the genocide of birds that aren’t used for said, “I think the other geese are scared Toppings), who is roped into working the opening of this new exhibit. Even food. We all understand that chickens of making any waves when our status at for Te Stagnant during their freshman though all of the artists are geese, every and turkeys have to die for society to SLUM is so new.” year via an elaborate kidnapping ruse by being should feel free, not compelled, to continue, but geese? Tat’s murder.” the head editor, Catnip Everclear (also attend this free show.” Aves’ infammatory comments have Continued online at played by Toppings, in voice only). As Te newest show for the little sparked debate amongst other members thecurrent-online.com the young Gymnastics goes from naive writer to jaded section editor, they see that the process of putting together a paper weekly takes a lot of time, efort, blood sacrifces, and talent—but above all, it takes salt, as exemplifed in the act one closing number, “It Takes Salt.” Being a musical, the songs were to be expected; the number of songs, not so much. Nearly every scene has a musical interlude, but the songs are so vibrant and creative that the constant singing is not as annoying as one might think. Standout numbers include: “Monday Meeting,” in which Gym- nastics attends their frst staf meeting and is serenaded by a raucous salsa song highlighting the various stories up for assignment; “What’s Te Deal With Tat Dude?,” about the one guy who keeps coming to meetings but not signing up for anything, trailed by an orchestra member playing a sad saxophone, while literally everyone else on stage avoids eye contact with him while they sing; “I’m Hungry (Are You Hungry?) (Yes, We Are So Fuck- ing Hungry),” in which staf members on production day throw down in a highly charged rap battle as they decide whether to order pizza for the fftieth 6 Features THECURRENT-ONLINE.COM April 4, 2016 SLUM Alums Panhandling for Cash LUCIE DARNAY tive,” called a cyclist. FEATURES EDITOR Te alums claim that they have been forced to a life of illegal begging Taking a walk down Artifcial Valley because their degrees are worth so little. Road can be a perfectly pleasant expe- Another of the roving alums, who rience, but some of the local businesses wished only to be identifed as Fagin, in the area around St. Louis University had some interesting claims. of Missouri (SLUM) have been lodging “I graduated in 2012,” Fagin told complaints with the school about a Te Stagnant, “and I took that fancy small host of 20-somethings cluttering degree in theoretical pickpocketing their sidewalks. that I paid so much money for, that Te Stagnant hit the asphalt on I defnitely didn’t steal, and I tried to March 29 to fnd out exactly what these get a job. Well, would you believe it? unwelcome guests were up to. Not a single reputable company would We met with Jim Holden of the give me a job.” When one of his fellow Pur’N’Kleen Cleaning Company panhandlers suggested that his lack of located at 124 Artifcial Valley Road employment may have more to do with and asked if he knew the origins of the his questionable major than the quality roving 20-somethings. of the degree, logically Fagin decked “Well, judging by all the SLUM him. Mao quickly smacked Fagin on tee shirts,” Holden said, “I’d say they’re the back of the head with her pan, dent- probably students?” ing it. A short fght ensued. Actually, they are not students. When the fght ended Mao ex- Julie Mao, a graduate of the SLUM plained, “College degrees are worth so class of 2014 with a degree in piss- little in this economy but SLUM de- ing-of-daddy, leads the group. “I guess, grees? Tey’re worth our pans. Literally.” technically, you could call us panhan- Several of the panhandling alums dlers,” Mao said with a brilliant smile as agreed that they traded in their fancy she held up a large aluminum pan. degrees and majors— from candle “Really it’s a pot but you never hear making to totally hypothetical meth- about ‘pothandlers’” Mao said. ods for overthrowing a large Western Te group of about 15 SLUM government—for a four-inch diameter Julie Mao ABRAHAM DRINKIN’/THE STAGNANT alums scatters every morning along the aluminum pan. Te man with the pans, length of Artifcial Valley Road and Winston Smith of Tortured Chef fame, While Smith may consider it a people are.” hold their pots out, hoping for some says that he is providing a charity. charity, Holden and other business While Mao asserts that the SLUM spare change from passing pedestrians. “Tese kids are coming out of owners around SLUM, consider it a alums will continue panhandling, Hold- Te SLUM degree holders stand strong school with nothing but a piece of nuisance. “I just don’t get why they have en and his fellow business owners were in the face of rain, wind, and some paper,” Smith said. “Four-inch alumi- to do that here.” Holden said. “I don’t threatening to call the police when we nasty words. num pans aren’t worth much anyway so really care if they have jobs or not but were quietly abducted by what turned “Get a job! And your outft doesn’t we fgured, why not do a service for the they’re scaring my customers. Tey keep out to be our production staf in an match!” came from a passing car and community, you know, give something yelling about Simone Weil and Satoshi unmarked van and fox masks. “You are less than conventionally attrac- back.” Tajiri and I’m not even sure who those Stagnant Crime Report: Chip Bandit Still on Loose, Geese Pose Increasing Threat BEA A. FRAID tables and chairs and knocking over doors. Other students who thought the around, no one was in sight. A report CHIEF PRIVATE EYE anyone who was in their path on their space was now designated for parking was taken by the SLUM police. Later, getaway. Te chip bandit was still on followed suit, resulting in no one being at 4:05 p.m., a second student reported Te following is a series of daily the loose at the time of this report. able to exit or enter the building from a book being hit in the head by a book crime reports issued by the St. Louis March 17: At 1:08 p.m., an angry that entrance. Hopefully SLUM’s new that was thrown at them. Te SLUM University of Missouri (SLUM) Police swarm of approximately 100 geese valet service will prevent any future police took a second report, only to Department from March 16 to March surrounded and chased a group of occurrences like this one. notice that the book that used be in the 20. With all this crime, one thing is students who were walking in the North March 19: At 1:52 p.m., a gaggle of Wade Bad statue’s hand was missing. clear: you need to hide yo chips and Campus Rectangle outside the Centen- approximately 50 fying geese crashed Ten at 5:03 p.m., a passing faculty guard yo life from geese. (And watch nial Student Center. Te students fed through a window of the Centennial member noticed that the Wade Bad your back from statues on the loose.) into buildings and no one was seriously Student Center bridge and out the oth- statue had disappeared completely from March 16: At 12:05 p.m., A SLUM injured, aside from a few minor nips er window. Te gaggle was gone before its cemented post. When the SLUM po- student reported that their hot n’ zesty and pecks. When the SLUM police SLUM police arrived on scene, but a lice arrived on scene to investigate, the chips had been stolen by an unidenti- arrived, most of the geese fed the scene witness said that none of them appeared only piece of evidence they recovered fed crook from the vending machine on wing. Two geese were apprehended to be hurt and that the gaggle carried was a note reading: “I’m sick of you near the Slosh. Te student reported by police but are refusing to divulge on as if nothing had happened. It is all putting shirts on me that never ft that they inserted their money into any information about their motives unknown at this time if this incident and never getting a say about any of it. the vending machine and made their or reveal any details about other geese is connected to the March 17 incident, I’m leaving for a better place where I’ll selection, only to have the chips get involved in the crime. but the SLUM police suspect the geese never have to wear such uncomfortable stuck in the machine—an experience March 18: At 11:18 a.m., a SLUM may, for reasons unknown at this time, attire again.” At the time of this report, most SLUM students can sadly identify student who was late for class and be out for revenge. the statue had not been recovered… with. Te student began banging on the apparently could not fnd a parking March 20: At 2:02 p.m., a stu- and may possibly still be out there machine and shaking it, but as the chips space (what else is new?) drove onto dent walking past the Wade Bad statue walking around somewhere. Remember fell to the bottom, the bandit moved the sidewalk and parked his car directly reporting being punched in the back to watch your back. in, swiped them, and made of, scaling outside the Centennial Student Center from behind. When the student turned April 4, 2016 The Stagnant 7 8 Sports THECURRENT-ONLINE.COM April 4, 2016 April 4, 2016 The Stagnant Sports 9 Forks Fly By SUSC in Quidditch Match of the Ages QUILL TWIDDLER SPORTS EDITOR

Te St. Louis University of Mis- souri quidditch team took to the pitch again on March 31 against the Southern University of South Carolina (SUSC), winning over the course of a two-day marathon that saw three seasons worth of varied weather pummel the feld and players. Despite the poor conditions upon the game’s conclusion, the SLUM Forks emerged victorious with a resounding 1230-170 victory after relief seeker Perry Hotter, junior, divination and muggle studies, fnally wrapped his hand around the golden snitch to bring an end to the competition. “It was defnitely a thrilling experience,” said Hotter. “As the sport of quidditch is only played with seven players with no substitutions allowed barring multiday games, benchwarmers like myself rarely fnd our time to shine. I had to be reminded at various points that I was looking for that little golden Major League Quidditch logo COURTESY OF MLQ ball!” Indeed, this was the frst time any during the latter half of day one and ly original statement that no other city However, neither team was prepared for of the 13 bench players for SLUM were into day two took a drastic turn for or state’s residents ever say. Fortunately, the torrential downpour or the snow given playtime this season, and most the worse. What started out as a sunny as I’ve always been accustomed to quick that would follow suit. Te conditions certainly looked a little green. Several afternoon with little cloud coverage changes in weather, I’ve had my players left both team’s seekers practically blind hours into day two of the matchup, soon turned into a horrendous lightning practice in artifcial snow and rain. I and unable to fnd the snitch, the only which took place on April 1, Jess Tiss, storm. By the time Hotter had subbed can’t even tell you how I got the light- way to end a game. sophomore, defense against the dark in, the rain had since turned into snow. ning to work in our training!” Scoring for the home team was on arts, one of the Forks’ beaters, acciden- Te referees were astounded by such Te extra practice, which is held point, though, and Jack Cheese, senior, tally smashed one of the bludgers—big crazy weather patterns, but the coaches at You-Blind’s own weather-creating herbology, did most of work with 950 iron balls bewitched to throw them- of SLUM were aptly prepared. facility (he says it is magic), is even of the team’s points. It was the highest selves haphazardly at both teams’ play- “Growing up in St. Louis, we available for public access to at a rate of amount of scoring he has managed in ers—careening toward one of her own always had this saying ‘If you don’t like $100/hour. Clearly the practice had its his collegiate quidditch career. teammates. the weather, wait ten minutes’,” said pros, as SLUM were hardly scratched SLUM quidditch next plays Salem Tis might not have been Tiss’s head coach Rob You-Blind. “Tese two by the lightning, only needing three College in an away matchup on April 6. fault entirely, however, as the weather days were a testament to that complete- broomsticks replaced to SUSC’s 12. E-Sports Are a Thing, Thanks to Weeaboos DINGA LING Players listen to cute, digitally rendered Do the girls even fght each other? Jesus, teammate Mack O’Mule, sophomore, STAFF BITER songs such as “Snow Halation” and are we seriously cancelling weekend dad jokes, who has declared himself “Kokuhaku Biyori, Desu!” while col- baseball practice for this?” “Team Eli” for the supposed ‘best girl’ Every weeaboo at the Saint Louis lecting cards of other girls that they can As a matter of fact, yes, SLUM in LLSIF, judging by his body pillow University of Missouri (SLUM) knows sacrifce to level up their main idols in a is shelving all weekend baseball prac- and t-shirt plastered in pictures of Eli about the popular Japanese fction- circular cannibalistic ritual masqueraded tice for the rest of the semester to Ayase, another fctional girl who is way al franchise, “Love Live! School Idol in pink and glitter. dedicate those time slots to the newly too young for either man involved in Festival” (LLSIF), in which young Playing LLSIF is simple: all an formed LLSIF League. Despite the this dispute. Japanese girls perform together to interested player needs is a smartphone loud, sometimes violent protests of the Despite disputes over who is the become the top idol performance that connects to the Internet and the SLUM baseball players, the LLSIF team best girl in the LLSIF ‘verse, the two group in the country. However, there ofcial English language LLSIF app continues with its plans to dominate men were able to agree to disagree and has been no proper open platform for downloaded to said phone. Tey must the North American e-sports scene, one have settled their dispute in the inter- campus nerds to express their love for also be able to elbow their way through Pepto-Bismol colored anime game at a ests of the team. Tey will be working their favorite 2D ladies as electronic the diehard LLSIF fans who have time. Teir frst meeting, a coordinat- together so they can beat rival school sports, or ‘e-sports,’ has never been already started camping out outside the ed practice speed run through a dozen Washed Up University on April 30. ofcially acknowledged by the athletics center, weeks ahead of the proposed three-star songs to collect rare idol Tose who wish to cheer on the Tri- department—until now. Te back half starting date of April 30 for the frst cards, took place on April 2. Te gym- ton Love Lifers (the current working of the spring 2016 semester will see round of competition. Tere is no phys- nasium was dominated by the presence name for the team) should arrive at the emergence of SLUM’s frst LLSIF ical required to join an LLSIF team, of Nendoroid fgurines, body pillows, the gymnasium half an hour early for tournament, to be played in the main but students should submit document- boxes of Red Bull, and a smell like sour pre-game smack talk and bootleg anime gymnasium of the Mark Twain Athletic ed proof that their thumbs are fully milk mixed with sweet melon soda. merchandise. Center, as if it is real sports. operational and will be able to handle During the frst meeting, league Te Stagnant would like to let it be Te game itself is a rhythm-based the stress of playing a smartphone game captain Melvin Blart, junior, sports known that their ofcial stance is that game, much like “Dance Dance Revolu- that overworks the thumb joints. drink medicine, impressed by scoring Nico Yazawa is the best girl of all the tion” or “Just Dance,” except that the “I honestly have no idea what the a perfect run on “Cutie Panther.” He LLSIF girls, and that all other opinions action is in the hands, not the feet, and hell this is,” admitted Lorem Ipsum, celebrated his victory by shotgunning are just wrong. instead of pressing arrows, players press director of athletics at SLUM. “One of a Ramuné and kissing his body pil- on the faces of cute schoolgirls in a way the guys just handed me the paperwork low of blue-haired schoolgirl Nozomi that is totally not sexualized or creepy. and said this is going to be a thing now. Toujou. Unfortunately, this enraged his 10 Opinions THECURRENT-ONLINE.COM April 4, 2016 COUNTER POINT POINT

Con: Love Pro: Date Behind The Lectern All Your Must Be Professors, Stopped! Why Not? PRUDENCE LONGSKIRT STAFF BITER

SAUCY LONGFELLOW While I do not necessarily con- STAFF BITER demn someone from wanting “illicit older booty,” I have yearned for (read: You might become indignant upon stalked) one of my teachers before, and hearing that I endorse students dating it was defnitely not kosher. In fact, if university professors. Suck it up! Col- you are the kind of hopeless romantic lege is an experience crafted to challenge that believes in leaving oversized love one’s thinking, and what better way to letters, you will probably learn abso- do so than to encourage fraternizing lutely nothing in that class and instead with the same person who is teaching be reduced to a blushing and blubber- you critical analysis? ing idiot. How on earth could you be Some might argue that dating expected to pay attention to calculus professors means putting someone in an when there is a delicious older man or unfair position, as professors will have woman giving a lesson in hotness right more power over their students in the in front of you! relationship. But let us be practical: in My unfortunate colleague is correct the eyes of the administration, students to point out that a student will not get and professors are equally expendable. If an advantage over the students who anything, competing with your signif- are not the professor’s strange bedfel- icant other for grant money will put lows, but she is correct for an entirely some spice in your courtship. diferent reason. A student doing the Dating a professor does not mean dirty with a professor is actually at a a student will be able to slide through disadvantage, because obviously the class just because they are bofng the professor should want an A+ lover and person in charge of grading. If you not a C- side hoe. It will not be long are smart, you do not date a professor before the professor’s thoughts on your you are taking a class with; you date poor bedroom technique sneak into the a professor whose colleague is your comments on your papers. current instructor, and use them to steal Besides, if you really want to make test sheets and copy lecture notes. You a power play, you can do so much better can even apply this to the workplace, than bagging the professor. If professors by dating not your boss but your boss’s are really as expendable as my colleague immediate colleague, thus getting the claims, would it not be much smarter to scoop on all your boss’s mistakes, which swap bodily fuids with someone in the you can then take advantage of. administration? You would never have So next time someone says not to to beg for a more favorable schedule or date your professor, tell them where more fnancial aid; just parade around they can stick it, then leave an over- in lingerie for the provost and it will sized love letter in the faculty box of all be yours! With good enough googly your favorite big man (or woman) on eyes, you could eventually force them campus. Tink with your head, SLUM, to put a ring on it and snag yourself a and make the illicit older booty work piece of that obscene amount of money for you! they get paid every year. April 4, 2016 The Stagnant Opinions 11 Black Voices: 5 Everyday Struggles of Being a Black Man RONALD NIGHTSHADE 1. Finding a Parking Spot MINUTES walking distance away. Joe is an easy task for a black male in OPINIONS EDITOR You would think that after ev- Post-racial society my ass. America? Tink again! If it were not erything Martin Luther King accom- 2. Shaving for my black friends with whom I can With all the talk of police brutality, plished--even after having elected a Although I do not consider myself commiserate about the trials of drinking job discrimination, and other forms of black president--that I, a black man, a resentful man, I cannot help but lose a Dunkin Donuts cofee while driving systemic racism, we often lose sight of would be able to fnd a parking spot faith in my country every morning to work, I might very well just give up the everyday struggles that come along downtown. Not so, fellow American. when I pick up my three-blade razor cofee altogether. And, just because I with being a member of an oppressed Just the other week, in an efort to treat and proceed to shave every. single. hair. do not want to depress you with grim race. As an efort to open your eyes to my wife to a great night out, I bought on my ebony face. What on earth did details, I will not even go into brain the everyday struggles that those with tickets to our favorite opera, Te our nation’s courageous civil rights freezes. . . white privilege do not have to deal with, Marriage of Figaro. I then proceeded to activists fght for if I’m still a slave to 4. Filing Taxes here are fve examples of the daily strug- spend no fewer than thirty-fve minutes Gillette and Barbasol? Do the IRS tax forms make sense gle that I know too well: driving up and down Grand Boulevard, 3. Drinking Hot Liquids to you? Man, I wish I were you. De- only to fnd a lone parking spot TEN Tink drinking a morning cup of spite our nation’s ostensible belief in the equality of man, every mid-April serves as a reminder of its true values. With Straight Talk About Chalk Talk every line, box, sub-box, and sub-sub box, I can faintly hear the government CATNIP EVERCLEAR “open carry” chalk as well as all other at SLUM is to invest in some better whispering in my ear: “your name is REDDITOR-IN-CHIEF writing implements, including calligra- furnishings. Most of the chairs in Toby.” phy supplies. classrooms were made in North Korea 5. Tat Annoying Sound of On March 21, student protests Supporting the pro-chalk faction as torture devices. Te best way to make Forks Scratching Plates erupted at Emory University, a private on campus was an odd assortment of art students safer is to ban all cars on cam- You’ve just sat down to a beautiful, institution in Georgia, after someone students, English teachers, Libertarians pus. Seriously, did you see how close four course meal when—EEK—you wrote in chalk the words, “Trump (who were also circulating petitions that guy came to running me down in hear the sound of your fork scraping 2016.” One student, oft quoted this to legalize medical chalk), and some the middle of a cross-walk? against the cold, hard surface of your past week, decried, “I’m supposed to children playing hopscotch without a Te Stagnant also believes that all dinner plate. It is as if we learned feel comfortable and safe here, but this permit. Te anti-chalk activists included students also have a right to write. Some nothing from the great words of Maya man is being supported by students on a rainbow coalition of liberal groups, will write smart things, like those of us Angelou: “No man can know where he our campus and our administration SLUM Students for Bernie Sanders, the who write for Te Stagnant (until some- is going unless he knows exactly where shows that they, by their silence, sup- anti-Trump women’s group Why Are one buys our screenplay), and some will he has been and exactly how he arrived port it as well . . . I don’t deserve to feel We So Much Smarter Tan Men, and write dumb things. If you see some- at his present place.” Our forefathers afraid at my school.” SLUM building maintenance employ- thing written on the sidewalk that you dreamed of a better America and, al- Te student leader of the protests ees who fear a chalking explosion not do not like, you can always add your though we have made great strides, my was quoted in national media as crying seen since the summer of 1968. own footnote, or just chalk it up to one eardrums remind me that there is a long out, “You are not listening! Come speak Te Stagnant believes that all stu- more person to add to your enemies list road ahead. to us, we are in pain!” dents have a right to feel “comfortable and repeat their names over and over Te administration of Emory im- and safe” on campus. Te best way like Aria Stark in Game of Trones. Or mediately provided counseling to those to make students more comfortable just pray for rain. students traumatized by the actions of the thoughtless wielder of the piece of chalk. Tey also promised to review campus security cameras to try to catch the perpetrator since all chalk writing at Emory has to be pre-approved. Police at frst tried dusting for fngerprints, but when they blew on the chalk the evidence blew away as well. Police took one individual into custody who tested positive for chalky fngers, but was later released when he turned out to be the captain of the Emory billiards team. Authorities have also enlisted the services of a handwriting expert and chalk snifng dog. SLUM student activists promised to stand in solidarity with the traumatized students of Emory and immedi- ately set up a “chalk-free” safety zone. Others have called for banning chalk on campus altogether. Tat created some backlash from some Republican members of the Missouri General Assembly including State Senator Clemet Change D. Nyer, R-Columbia, who said, “If you make owning chalk a crime, then only the criminals will have chalk.” Sen- ator Nyer has also introduced legislation to protect the right of any student to 12 News THECURRENT-ONLINE.COM April 4, 2016 Turkeys Take Geese to Task in Enrollment Battle MISS INGNO STAFF BITER

Te Stagnant reported last year that the local geese of St. Louis University of Missouri (SLUM) have been forced into the status of fee-paying students along with every other degree-seeking chump in a 30-mile radius. Now it looks like the geese of SLUM have new competition for ruling the campus roost as the top bird behind the desk: turkeys. Wild turkeys from nearby wooded areas have arrived, intent on enrolling in the upcoming semesters with all the other SLU dropouts and community college alumni. Turkeys, for those who have never seen a Tanksgiving special on televi- sion, are native to the St. Louis region. Tey can grow up to 10 feet tall and their talons are sharp enough to kill three grown men before taking a pedi- cure break. Tey are also very involved in local politics, and have registered an ofcial complaint with the nearby ACLU chapter concerning their enrollment possibilities with SLUM. “Despite common misbeliefs, turkeys are very proud, intelligent birds!” declared St. Louis turkey spokesbird A horde of prospective turkeys stalk Freshman Brant Cana in the Financial Aid Ofce ABRAHAM DRINKIN’/THE STAGNANT Harry Jive in a recent press conference. “We want the chance to be wracked let every bird who doesn’t sleep in trees collided with the angry amalgamation Hall. What a world, what a world…” with student debt and indecision about enroll here?” said union president Mark of wings and textbooks. One goose, Te ACLU will be holding an open our academic future like any other com- Rindwin in a series of hypothetical SLUM student Bill Branta, freshman, meeting in the Quad in an attempt to mon goose, as is our right as taxpaying questions. “Do you really want to see airplane engineering, was taken to the bridge the gap between geese, turkeys, citizens of Missouri!” He then presented these dummies gobbling up Slusho food hospital with a fractured beak, while the and the human bodies who are continu- to the press several boxes of tax forms, in the cafeteria with the normals? Is this turkey was arrested for inciting violence ally caught in the crossfre. On April 12 which smelled faintly of gizzards, but microphone even on?” and attacking a police ofcer. at 1 p.m., all SLUM students, faculty, rufed his feathers at the frst reporter Tanks to the incendiary com- Tree days after the incident, Te staf, alumni, panhandlers, prospective who dared come close enough to try ments from the geese union, SLUM has Stagnant found Harry Jive in the frst tuition slaves, and random pedestrians and read any of the papers. quickly become a battleground between foor of the Millennial Student Center, from Natural Bridge will be invited to In response, the SLUM geese union turkeys and geese, both groups oddly nursing a large soda and looking as if he voice their opinion on whether or not has held their own rival press confer- enough fghting to stay on campus, had been picked to be on the chan- turkeys should be allowed to enroll in ence, literally in the same room as the instead of making the logical move cellor’s dinner table come November. SLUM as the geese have since 2015. turkeys but with slightly larger micro- to leave for a school that actually has “Tis,” he moaned, “is a horrible black Any concerns or questions about the phones and podium, and an oversized money and renovated facilities. Last eye for the turkey student movement. open meeting can be written on a banner hanging overhead reading “Get Tuesday, a scufe between two geese Chancellor Pickles isn’t taking my calls, rolled-up piece of paper and thrown with the goose! Turkeys are for dinner!” and a prospective turkey student broke his secretary threw a chair at me, and into Boggy Lake, to be read at an unde- in all caps. out in front of the Honors College, even his little raccoon friend won’t let termined time in the future by uncon- “Turkeys? In SLUM? Why not just which ended when the campus shuttle me eat with him on the lawn by Woods cerned parties. SLUM Newspaper Is Offcially AARP Eligible SARAH THUSTRA a cash bar, because Te Stagnant is not library. ground. “I haven’t been paid in two STAFF BITER your mother and is not in the business During the event, there will be a ff- months, my writers keep bailing on of shepherding staggering drunks to the teen-minute video showcasing the high- me to join the Peace Corp, and I’m not Continued from Page 1 campus shuttle. Sorrynotsorry is expect- lights of Te Stagnant’s past 50 years in even allowed to sleep on the couch in “of work,” a pause so long it became ing to be the key guest speaker at the print, put together by news editor Bea the ofce. But I need the experience on awkward for everyone in the dining hall event. In response, sports editor Quill A. Fraid and photo editor Abraham my resume, so here I am!” we were interviewing her in, including Twiddler and opinions editor Simon Drinkin, and unofcially assisted by Tickets for Te Stagnant’s 50th the salt shakers and the dead Japanese Wei are expected to pants him in front Nintendo. Some events covered by Te party will be on sale as long as Darnay beetles on the windowsill. of everyone and then take a selfe with Stagnant include the kissing rampage of is sitting at the table in front of the Te Stagnant will be formally him in his goose-covered undershorts. Georgie Porgie, who is still being hunt- radio station like we forced her to, and celebrating its 50th year as fsh wrap- “It’s gonna be a great time,” said ed by the SLUM police, the discovery costs 10 dollars per person, with a two ping with a huge party in the Century A&E editor Teodosia Burr’s Sex of ghosts in the Pro Hoe building, and dollar surcharge for alumni. Tose who Rooms on April 7, scheduling it on a Dungeon. “Tere is going to be lots of the abundance of geese being jerks. show their SLUM ID at the table will Wednesday so as to be the most in- drinking and dancing and pantsing, Features editor Lucie Darnay only receive a surly look and an empty plea convenient for attendees. Tere will be and I am going to challenge everyone had good things to say about her time for freedom. Please do not answer the food catered by the campus cafeteria to duels behind Pro Hoe which I don’t at Te Stagnant. She started out as a empty plea for freedom, and under no when the doors open at 5 p.m., with expect to actually show up to! Suck on copy editor and worked her way up to circumstance should you give an article actual edible food to be made available that, nerds!” She then abandoned her editor earlier this year. of clothing to the editor. at 6 p.m. or whenever the hired caterers interview to chase a gray-haired English “It sucks,” Darnay said over the leave the building. Tere will also be major reading “Bartleby” through the phone, bland pop music in the back-