Current, April 04, 2016

University of Missouri, St. Louis IRL @ UMSL Current (2010s) Student Newspapers 4-4-2016 Current, April 04, 2016 University of Missouri-St. Louis Follow this and additional works at: https://irl.umsl.edu/current2010s Recommended Citation University of Missouri-St. Louis, "Current, April 04, 2016" (2016). Current (2010s). 228. https://irl.umsl.edu/current2010s/228 This Book is brought to you for free and open access by the Student Newspapers at IRL @ UMSL. It has been accepted for inclusion in Current (2010s) by an authorized administrator of IRL @ UMSL. For more information, please contact [email protected]. The Stagnant 1966 Celebrating 50 Years as 2016 SLUM’S INDEPENDENT STUDENT NEWS VOL. 49 ISSUE 1498 APR 4, 2016 SLUM Make Your Newspaper Degree A Is Offcially Combo Meal CATNIP EVERCLEAR AARP REDDITOR-IN-CHIEF Eligible Te St. Louis University of Mis- SARAH THUSTRA souri (SLUM) may not have to worry about its $15 million defcit for much STAFF BITER longer. Te McDonald’s Corporation met with SLUM’s Chief Terry Sorrynot- ABRAHAM DRINKIN’/THE STAGNANT In 2013, the Saint Louis Univer- Provincial House on lock-down April 1 sorry last week to fnalize the franchise’s sity of Missouri (SLUM) celebrated purchase of the university. its 50th anniversary in its usual way, With this latest acquisition by with cow tipping, goose wrangling, ProHoe Ghosts Owe the McDonald’s Corporation, SLUM the pantsing of Chief Sorrynotsorry would fnally be out from under the and the consequential pants run across thumb of those members of the Mis- Natural Bridge, and free dessert on the $2 Million Back Tuition souri General Assembly who believe library patio. Tis year, it is Te Stag- LUCIE DARNAY classrooms and professors in their of- they are in charge of all aspects of edu- nant’s turn to celebrate its 50th year of FEATURES EDITOR fces. Tey have also taken to fickering cation through the budget process. Te bringing dishonest, mudslinging yellow the lights and banging on metal pipes at university would fnally be able to make journalism to students all over campus, Ofcer Adrian Ivashkof of the St. all hours. One resident of Villa, Natalie some real money from merchandising whether they want to read it or not. Louis University of Missouri (SLUM) Rostova, sophomore, undecided, said, with McDonald’s. Tis week, Te Stagnant will be Police Department spent the night of “I have so much respect for nuns but, McDonald’s spokesman Ronald publishing its infnite numbered issue, April 1 in the basement of South Cam- honestly, my boyfriend won’t even come NotMcDonald said, “Tis just makes as the newspaper does not recognize pus’ infamous Pro Hoe building. Ofcer over anymore. It’s getting really annoy- sense. SLUM’s school colors would standardized physics and exists solely Ivashkof was searching for four Daugh- ing.” still be yellow and red, the same color in a wibbley-wobbley timey-Wimpey ters of Charity who died in a freak Te Stagnant has received several scheme as us. SLUM also advertises dimension, depending on who is editor- ceiling fan accident in 1962. Te ghosts reports of non-consensual possession. its self as real value, and we think that in-chief at time of publication. Tis of the three novices, Mary Elizabeth, Although the reports have yet to be a value education is right in line with year, the EIC is our most beloved and Mary Lozario, and Mary Margaret, and confrmed, they have been passed to our value menu. Tat will be the same. trustworthy Redditor In Chief, Catnip their Visitatrix Mary Maria have been SLUM PD. People will just instantly think of Mc- Everclear, who according to local star haunting the hallways of the old Maril- While SLUM PD has declined Donald’s and SLUM from now on.” charts has been serving as head editor lac Seminary since their deaths. any ofcial comment, Ofcer Ivashkof SLUM merchandise will be avail- for the past four years and has two years While usually the sisters are peace- told Te Stagnant, “I’ve been working able at every McDonald’s. Each item left to go in her position before the ful, SLUM issued a statement on March at SLUM for 15 years and the sisters sold will help fnance the school, keep- next editor is plucked from the howling 31 that has angered them. SLUM ad- have always been just the nicest ladies ing school spirit up and money rolling abyss behind Lucas Hall and ofcially ministration, in an attempt to lessen the you could ever come across. I’ve never in to take care of that pesky defcit. Be crowned as a replacement. budget defcit, has announced plans to been one to hold a person’s corporeal- prepared to see SLUM icons as toys in “I hope it is a lesbian,” said Te seek reparations from the sisters includ- ity against them, but when you start Happy Meals for a limited time on Feb- Artist Formerly Known As Rando, Te ing tuition, meal plans, and room and using that ghost-y-ness against innocent ruary 29, 2017 starting with a poseable Stagnant’s token lesbian copy editor. board for the 40 years that they have students, something has to change.” action fgure of a dancing French fry, “I could really appreciate a talented been living on SLUM’s campus, since SLUM Vice Provost Augusta SLUM’s mascot. And do not be afraid lesbian in charge of the paper, someone the Marillac Seminary was acquired by Gregory provided Te Stagnant with to buy that kids’ meal with no child with a really great body of work.” She SLUM in 1976. the numbers being used in the suit accompanying you. You can do it. Get added a long pause between “body” and Te sisters have shown their against the sisters. Gregory explained a toy for yourself— you deserve that Continued on Page 12 displeasure by locking students inside Continued on Page 3 Continued on Page 3 INSIDE Sassin’ On Campus pg 4 SLUM Alums pg 6 Quidditch pg 9 Taken to Task pg 12 2 THECURRENT-ONLINE.COM April 4, 2016 THE CURRENT STAFF GAME CORNER EDITORIAL Redditor-in-Chief Catnip Everclear Cheif Private Eye Bea A. Fraid The UMSL MATH CLUB Presents Diffculty: Features Editor Lucie Darnay Sports Editor Quill Twiddler Problem of The Week Try Me A&E Editor Theodosia Burr’s Submit your solution to the problem below by Friday, April 8. Sex Dungeon Submit solutions to R. Dotzel 329 ESH ([email protected]) Opinions Editor Ronald Nightshade Copy Editors The Artist Formerly Tere was a young lad from Mizzou Known As ‘Rando’ Staff Biters The Artist Formerly Who studied math and history too Known As ‘Rando,’ Purple Hayes, He was really quite smart Miss Ingno, Ding a Ling, But couldn’t see how to start Saucy Longfellow, As THIS problem posed something quite new. Prudence Longskirt, Sarah Thustra Problem: Somewhere, USA is comprised of 60% Republicans and 40% Democrats. 17% of the Republicans and 83% of the Democrats favor increased taxation of DESIGN candy bar consumption. A person, selected at random from Somewhere is found to Design/Production Editor Iss O’Ungry favor increased taxation of the consumption of all things candy bar. What is the Photo Editor Kappaton Capiton probability that this individual is a Republican? Web Editor Lucie Darnay Staff Photographer Abraham Drinkin’ Cartoonist/Artists OPEN Diffculty: Come At Me Bro BUSINESS Business Manager Jasmine Walker Advertising Director Nicholas Perez Ad Representatives Sarah Myers Distribution Manager Quill Twiddler Social Media Director Simonne Kimble Archivist Ronald Nightshade CONTACT US 388 MSC, 1 University Blvd St. Louis, MO 63121-4400 [email protected] thecurrent-online.com Newsroom 314-516-5174 [email protected] Business/Advertising 314-516-5316 [email protected] Fax 314-516-6811 Editor-in-Chief [email protected] Letter To The Editor Internships and Volunteer Positions [email protected] Te news article published in last week’s issue entitled “Presidential Search Committee To Host Forums,” was problem- Letters to the Editor atic, to say the least. From the very beginning, where you state that the presidential search committee will be visiting [email protected] the SLUM campus on April 4 from 3:30 to 5:30 p.m., I was ofended. For you to conveniently ignore that my Monday Twitter evenings are always spent babysitting my two nieces reveals just how callous you really are. Is this the current state of @UMSLTheCurrent journalism? Could you not have changed the date to April 3, a Sunday, the one day of the week I am always available? Facebook I’m appalled by your integrity as a newspaper and cannot believe we entrust you to represent the opinion of the student /TheCurrentStudentNews body. It is a mark of insincere leadership that your editors do not consider the feelings of your readers. Sometimes, the reporting of facts is not paramount. THE UNDERSTAGNANTBy Catnip Everclear IS FACILITY THE FUTURE OF THE SLUM COMMUNITY? BARTLEBY, SCARLETT O’HARA, KURTZ, Fresh Meat, Scribbling Junior, Gold-Digging Super Senior, Survival “I would prefer not to.” “After all, tomorrow is “The horror, the horror” another day.” MON TUE WED THU FRI SAT SUN 61 61 64 55 55 70 63 36 53 42 37 37 52 49 April 4, 2016 The Stagnant News 3 Now You Can SUPER SIZE Your Education CATNIP EVERCLEAR REDDITOR-IN-CHIEF Continued from Page 1 SLUM spirit toy. Chief Sorrynotsorry said, “With this merger, we can bring students the value menu deal they have always want- ed in an education. With our special two for fve promotion, students can get two degrees for the price of one.

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