Wiseyes LLC [email protected] Title: Fatal Flaws 1 Pleasers vs. Predators Series: 5 of 8

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Description: 21st century survival/life skills. Predators amongst us --- beware!

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Wiseyes LLC Series pre-publishing peek! Entertaining * Educational * Empowering * Enlightening *

Series 5: Fatal Flaws 1

*Pleasers vs. Predators *The difference between love and sex *You’re in the spotlight for all the wrong reasons

Series 6: Fatal Flaws 2

*The many faces of rejection and heartbreak *Insecurity is a deal breaker *Anger

Series 7: Fatal Flaws 3

*Childhood trauma *Home violence and children *Escape!

Series 8: Mind, Body, And Spirit Recovery

*Knowing when to seek help *Learning the power of forgiveness *Recreating a new bedroom environment

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Dr. Phil Show: November 30, 2012 How To Catch A Catfish www.drphil.com

Beware Of The Con Artist June 2013 AARP the Magazine

What does veteran journalist Dan Rather know about getting scammed? Find out by tuning in to AARP’s Inside E Street --- and learn why nearly 14 percent of U.S. adults get swindled each year and what you can do to protect yourself. Watch at www.aarp.org/tv or on PBS.

Check your local listings for dates and times.

The Psychology Of A Con Job Scammers know what we want: to feel secure, loved and valued. And they know that the older we get, the more we need peace of mind.

To provide it, some use sweet talk, promising a solution to a problem: money for our shrinking nest eggs, companionship for our lonely hearts, a chance to show we matter. Others feign a problem that needs quick solving, perhaps with some warning about a potential danger.

“The scammer's goal is to get you to not think rationally, to operate on an emotional level,” says Jean Mathiesen, director of AARP's Fraud Fighter hotline 800-646-2283, which provides counseling, education and victim advocacy. “To put you 'under the ether,' as it's called.”

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aman zaman says: February 24, 2016 at 3:49 a.m.

My predator told me he was crazy about me 2 days after he met me...

I tried to tell him it was illogical and he said “you’re smart…” and trailed off.

He knew what he was doing.

Clearly, things turned out very bad in the end.

I think it’s important to say “NO” more often than yes.

Watch A Lion Get Handled By A Giraffe In Wild Planet Earth 2 Video

Nature specials are usually filled with harrowing scenes of predators taking down prey.

Well, Planet Earth 2 managed to catch a lion missing out on a grand opportunity with a giraffe.

Take a look. Man. That giraffe was not playing around. If you're going to get attacked by a lion, it makes a lot of sense to just keep right on running if you can.

Make that sucker chase you down and work for its dinner, right?

Why let it jump at you and stop in fear?

See if you can run the damn thing over while you try to get away.

You might still get eaten, but at least it will slow that lion down and teach it that not all giraffes are an easy meal just because they're gentle and gangly.

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Fraud, Pet Series, Sibling Rivalry Gain National Attention April 23, 2012 The Press

In December 2004, Martin Frankel sat in a New Haven Connecticut courtroom and was sentenced to prison for looting about $200 million from insurance companies he owned.

The subject of an international manhunt, he had been arrested in a posh hotel in Hamburg, Germany, where he reportedly had a stash of millions of dollars worth of diamonds and cash as well as fake passports before being extradited to the U.S.

Intriguing tales of sado-masochistic sex and the suicide of a young woman had swirled around his Greenwich, Connecticut mansion.

Yet Frankel’s downfall, it could be argued, began in Lake Township.

In September 1991, The Press published the story of a Lemoyne Road man who had filed a lawsuit with a Sylvania resident against Frankel, claiming he had bilked them out of a combined total of $370, 000.

The two also filed a complaint against Frankel with the National Association Of Securities Dealers, alleging fraud.

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The Psychology Of A Con Job: Why People Might Fall For It Book: Scam Proof Your Life By: Sid Kirchheimer January/February 2014 AARP the Magazine

Jerry and Deanna Fallses endured a perfect storm of negative events. In the space of eight months, a son, a granddaughter and Deanna's mother died. Another son was left unable to work by an accident.

After falling behind on their mortgage, the Fallses sought a loan modification with mortgage holder Chase, but were denied.

Scammers stepped in. “We were in a terrible state, and they knew it,” recalls Deanna, 74, a former real estate agent.

They sent the Fallses a loan modification “approval letter” --- a bogus replica purportedly from HUD that detailed their Chase loan number, rate and balance.

That information was probably obtained from public records, the Fallses were later told.

They sent a $3, 500 cashier's check for supposed processing fees.

That money was lost forever.

But luckily, the couple held on to their home.

U.S. Senator Bill Nelson (D-Fla) heard about the case and interceded. Chase modified their mortgage.

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How To Identify A Pedophile (Protecting Your Child From Predators) Community Q & A

All parents want to protect their children from predators, but how do you keep your kids safe when you don't know how to spot one?

Anyone can be a child molester, so identifying one can be difficult --- especially because most child molesters are initially trusted by the children they abuse.

Read on to learn which behaviors and traits are Red Flags, what situations to avoid, and how to deter child molesters from targeting your child.

But remember, not all pedophiles are child molesters, and having thoughts about children is not the same as acting on them.

Moreover, someone who is better at interacting with children than with adults is not necessarily a pedophile.

Wrongly accusing someone of pedophilia can cause severe depressions and social anxieties.

Knowing The Profile Of A Child Molester

Understand that any adult could be a child molester.

There is no one physical characteristic, appearance, profession, or personality type that all child molesters share. Child molesters can be any sex or race, and their religious affiliations, occupations and hobbies are as diverse as anyone else's.

A child molester may appear to be charming, loving, and completely good-natured while harboring predatory thoughts that he or she is adept at hiding.

That means you should never dismiss the idea that someone could be a child molester out of hand.

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Know that most child molesters are known to the children they abuse. Thirty percent of children who have been sexually abused were abused by a family member, and 60 percent were abused by an adult they knew who was not a family member. That means only 10 percent of children who are sexually abused were targeted by a total stranger.

In most cases, the child molester turns out to be someone known to the child through school or another activity, such as a neighbor, teacher, coach, member of the clergy, music instructor, or babysitter.

Family members like mothers, fathers, grandmothers, grandfathers, aunts, uncles, cousins, stepparents, and so on may also be sexual predators.

Know the common characteristics of a child molester. While anyone can turn out to be a child molester, the majority of child molesters are men, regardless of whether their victims are male or female.

Many sexual predators have a history of abuse in their own past, either physical or sexual. Some also have mental illness, such as a mood or personality disorder.

Heterosexual and homosexual men are equally likely to be child molesters. The idea that homosexual men are more likely to be child molesters is a complete myth. Female child molesters are more likely to abuse boys than girls.

Be aware of common behaviors demonstrated by child molesters.

A child molester often doesn't display as much interest in adults as they do in children. They may have jobs that allow them to be around children of a certain age group, or contrive other ways to spend time with children by acting as a coach, babysitter or neighbor trying to help.

Child molesters tend to talk about or treat children as though they are adults. They might refer to a child as they would refer to an adult friend or lover.

Child molesters often say they love all children or feel as though they are still children.

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Look for signs of grooming.

The term “grooming” refers to the process the child molester undertakes to gain a child's trust, and sometimes the parents' trust as well.

Over the course of months or even years, a child molester will increasingly become a trusted friend of the family, offering to babysit, take the child shopping or on trips, or spend time with the child in other ways.

Many child molesters won't actually begin abusing a child until trust has been gained. Some may use others opinions around them to back up their trustworthiness in order to take children shopping.

Child molesters look for children who are vulnerable to their tactics because they lack emotional support or aren't getting enough attention at home or will try to convince the parents their children are safe with them and that they are not going far.

The child molester will attempt to step in as the “parent” figure for the child.

Some child molesters prey on the children of single parents who aren't available to provide as much supervision or convince parents that they are nice enough people to supervise without them.

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A child molester will often use a range of games, tricks, activities and language to gain trust and/or deceive a child.

These include: keeping of secrets (secrets are valuable to most kids, being seen as something “adult” and a source of power), sexually explicit games, fondling, kissing, touching, sexually suggestive behavior, exposing a child to pornographic material, coercion, bribery, flattery, and --- worst of all --- affection and love.

Be aware that these tactics are ultimately used to isolate and confuse your child.

Protecting Your Child From Predators Find out whether sex offenders live in your neighborhood.

You can use the U.S. Department Of Justice National Sex Offender Database (located at http://www.nsopw.gov/en-US to determine whether any registered sex offenders live in your area.

All you have to do is enter your zip code and do a search, and you'll be able to see where child molesters might live.

You can also do a search for individual names to see if a specific person is a sex offender.

It's good to be aware of potential predators, but realize that it is illegal to take any kind of action against registered sex offenders.

Supervise your child's extracurricular activities. Being as involved as possible in your child's life is the best way to guard against child molesters.

They will look for a child who is vulnerable and who isn't getting a lot of attention from his or her parents or will convince parents they are of no danger to their child.

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Show up at games, practices and rehearsals, chaperone field trips and trips out, and spend time getting to know the adults in your child's life. Make it clear that you're an involved, present parent.

If you can't be there for a trip or outing, make sure at least two adults you know well will be chaperoning a trip.

Don't leave your child alone with adults you don't know well. Even relatives can pose a threat. The key is to be as present as possible.

Set up a nanny cam if you hire a babysitter. There are times when you won't be able to be present, so use other tools to make sure your child is safe.

Set up a hidden camera in your home so that inappropriate activity will be detected. No matter how well you think you know someone, you need to take precautions for your child's safety.

Teach your child about staying safe online. Make sure your child knows that predators often pose as children or teenagers in order to lure children in online.

Monitor your child's use of the Internet, keeping rules in place to limit his or her “chat” time.

Have regular discussions with your child about whom he or she is communicating with online.

Be sure your child knows never to send pictures to a person he or she met online, or meet someone he or she is communicating with online.

Know that children are often secretive about online behavior, especially when encouraged by others to keep secrets, so you'll need to be vigilant about staying involved in your child's online activity.

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Make sure your child is feeling emotionally supported. Child molesters will ask the children to keep it secret from their parents.

Ensure your children understands that if someone has asked them to keep a secret from you that it isn't because the child will get into trouble but the person who has asked them to keep the secret knows what they are doing to them is wrong.

Since children who don't get a lot of attention are especially vulnerable to predators, make sure you are spending a lot of time with your child and that he or she feels supported.

Take the time to talk to your child every day and work toward building an open, trusting relationship.

Express interest in all of your child's activities, including schoolwork, extra-curricular, hobbies, and other interests.

Let your child know that he or she can tell you anything, and that you're always willing to talk.

Teach your child to recognize inappropriate touching. Many parents use the “good touch, bad touch, secret touch” method.

It involves teaching your child that there are some appropriate touches, like pats on the back or high fives; there are some unwelcome or ‘bad ‘touches, like hits or kicks; and there are also secret touches, which are touches that the child is told to keep a secret.

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Use this method or another one to teach your child that some touches aren't good, and when these happen, he or she should tell you immediately.

Teach your child that no one is allowed to touch him or her in private areas. Many parents define private areas as those that would be covered by a bathing suit.

Children also need to know an adult should not ask a child to touch anyone else's private areas or their own.

Tell your child to say “no” and walk away if someone tries to touch him or her in a private area.

Tell your child to come to you immediately if someone touches him or her the wrong way.

Recognize when something is out of sync with your child. If you notice your child is acting differently, pursue the issue to find out what is wrong.

Regularly asking your child questions about his or her day, including asking whether any “good,” “bad or “secret” touches happened that day, will help open the lines of communication.

Never dismiss it if your child tells you he or she was touched inappropriately or doesn't trust an adult. Trust your child first.

Never dismiss a child's claims because the adult in question is a valued member of society or appears incapable of such things. That's exactly what a child molester wants.

Remember that the most important thing you can do to protect your child is to pay attention to them. Assess their needs and desires, talk to them, and in essence, just be the best parent you possibly can.

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Bottom line to remember: If you don't pay attention to your child, someone else will.

Remember that kids around 12, should already have gotten sex education, by their parents and told what everything means/is called.

This will prevent a teacher/friend who is a child molester from taking the lead and teaching whole other aspects.

Make sure your child already knows everything it needs to know, before it gets taught very different meanings of words or gets told that kissing/licking the teacher’s cheek is totally fine.

If the child is very young or younger than 14, it might not recognize that there's a difference between a grumpy teacher giving extra homework, or a strange acting teacher that wants them to kiss the cheek before leaving the room. Both are to them 'annoying.'

So make sure whenever your child tells you vague stories about the teacher making sex-jokes or touching them, or being 'annoying' and asking all kinds of 'private stuff' that there might be something going on.

As soon as the child mentions the teacher is acting strange or is asking private info/pictures/things about siblings, you have to tell your child how to react to this.

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Be realistic in the approach! Telling your kids to scream loudly when the teacher touches their shoulder, or hit his hand and yell whenever he'd touch their back, won't help.

They won't hit a teacher, especially not when they're being groomed and told he's only trying to help. Make sure they will tell him clearly that they have told their parents about what happened and they weren't happy with it.

Or give the child an envelope, containing a letter that says; 'Stop touching my daughter/son' and your autograph. Make sure they give it to him when he is touching a bad part of their body and didn't stop when they said stop.

(Make sure you think about this, it'll only have a positive effect if you're absolutely sure he'll be ignoring the boundaries and is actually going too far. One impulsive hand on the shoulder isn't.

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Book: Manson By: Jeff Guinn (Biography) Reviews: New Authors Soar

It has been 44 years since Charles Manson manipulated members of his so called “Family” into murdering pregnant actress Sharon Tate and eight other people in a delusional attempt to spark “Helter Skelter,” the end of the world race war that Manson had convinced his followers would lead to their rise as saviors of the world.

Crazy stuff like this has a long shelf life. In the almost half century since, rivers of ink have flowed in the attempt to understand how this diminutive ex-con could have lured normal seeming middle class youngsters (mostly girls) into savagery. In fact, so much has been written about Manson and his followers that it's easy to wonder if there's anything new to say.

It turns out there is. Jeff Guinn managed to track down and interview Manson's older cousin, with whom a young Charlie Manson had lived when his mother was in prison, and his younger sister, adopted, to Manson's great dismay, while he was imprisoned at McNeil Island, Washington.

Neither of these women can shed light on the ultimate source of Manson's dysfunction --- he apparently was a sociopath from a very young age --- but they do clear up much of the misinformation about his childhood and help Guinn offer a richer understanding of Manson's early life.

Guinn also interviewed former cellmates, Manson Family members, prosecutor Vincent Bugliosi (who wrote the definitive book on the murder trial), and a host of others.

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The result is that Guinn's well researched biography, Manson, offers many new details about Manson's life and enhances our understanding of him in several ways.

It turns out that Manson, who hated formal schooling, was a serious student of manipulation. Though functionally illiterate, he worked his way through Dale Carnegie's books about the arts of persuasion, investigated Scientology not for its dogma but for its methods of captivating followers and sat at the feet of pimps to learn techniques for manipulating women, and through them, men.

Guinn also shows Manson to have been a guru worried about losing his followers. His need to bind them to him, Guinn suggests plausibly, was part of his path to murder.

Finally, Guinn does an excellent job of placing Manson in the context of the tumultuous 1960's. In some circles, Manson and his followers are thought to be the logical end product of those wild times.

But Guinn offers a more nuanced view: “Charlie Manson is a product of the 1960's --- and also of the 1930's, 1940's, and 1950's,” he writes.

In what is probably the fullest biography of Manson to date, Guinn shows that Manson the murderer is not just a creation of the 60's but the unfortunate sum of all his parts. Alden Mudge

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Internet Posting: December 8, 2013 at 11:20 am There is one more very common “tell.”

I have seen many street scammers and muggers who use humor and a outgoing personality to get close to their targets. Watch for the friendly stranger, smiling, talking a blue streak, too friendly.

Their goal is to get close and their intent is a knockout punch so they can mug you or worse. Often these guys are big and could do you damage even without the subterfuge but this way they get off without a fight or a risk to themselves.

If you can touch the other person they are too close because they can touch you too and often even if they are two arm lengths away they are too close. Most street criminals won’t give you warning signs they will move in close and sucker punch you and follow up with punches and kicks until they are happy with their work.

Internet Posting: December 30, 2013 at 5:30 pm Yes they will use humor to get close and also they will use your name also to get closer, that is why I would never put my name on a license plate and try not to put it on any of my stuff.

Hearing your name throws you off guard by thinking this person knows you so they have gained a way to get that much closer to you. I am always leery of the guy that is overly nice and talkative.

Watch out for the “man in trouble” and the “stranger” that is trying to help him out and trying to get you to help them out, both men are scammers trying to work you over.

This is why I am always aware of where I am and I don’t walk around with headphones on because you are less aware and more of a target. Far too many are just plain ignorant and so caught up with life in their bubble that they are easy prey because they feel secure in their bubble and I see them as a future victim because of their complacency.

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Internet Posting: December 9, 2013 at 12:48 am Nice article, I have noticed these, as well as the ones in the comments in the downtown area where I have a business.

Some others I see down there frequently are: aggressors are always scanning for signs of opportunity. The truly homeless shift through in their own reality and seldom noticed the real world moving all around them; but the opportunist and thugs are always on alert.

Not one passer by escapes being “sized up.” The beggars do so as well but aren’t bashful and make no moves to conceal it.

Beware the person loitering that watches you approach from 2 blocks out, but then seems to not notice you from a block in.

The 2nd thing I have witnessed several times, near the public transportation stations is the “working as a pack” body language.

It seems that the “youths” never attack one on one, but instead in groups. It seems they communicate with a series of glances and head nods to reach the consensus of whom the target should be and when to initiate the attack.

A last move I have observed is what I like to call the “pre-occupied shopper.”

I see them walking down the sidewalk with a bag of drinks from the 7-11 and either busy with their cell phone or ipod.

They use the “urban camo” to pass by unsuspecting victims and then swing the bag with bottle waters or can drinks in a quick strike at them.

The stunned recipient is quickly moved in on and knocked down and then mugged.

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How Scam Artists Target Their Prey: Romance Book: Scam Proof Your Life By: Sid Kirchheimer January 2014 AARP Bulletin

Romance scammers cruise online dating websites posting hundreds of messages a day. After weeks of cyber sweet talk tailored to potential victims' responses, schemers inevitably request money --- typically via wire transfer --- saying they need it for a plane ticket to come visit or to deal with some personal emergency.

These cons cost American women 50 and older at least $34 million in 2012 two thirds of all the money lost in romance scams.

Men 50 and older reported losing $5 million. The average financial loss from these schemes is more than $10, 000 per person.

Dear Deanna! I am in prison responding to advice you gave a lonely inmate. With a few years left on his sentence, you told him to focus on getting a degree instead of worrying about a woman on the outside.

I feel you are wrong. You also did not tell him what kind of degree he needs. He needs a woman because it is lonely in prison and companionship will help his time pass faster and keep him mentally stable. Anonymous Inmate

Dear Inmate: He had the chance to build a relationship and grow a family when he was free but lost that chance when he committed a crime.

Regardless of the major, an educated ex con will find employment faster than one with no books on the brain.

A woman will love you like Luther Vandross behind the ink pen but when it gets serious, she will start singing no romance without finance and “you gotta have a J-O-B to be with me.” [email protected]

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Dear Abby: Six months ago I ran across an ad from a woman in prison who was looking for a pen pal.

Having served time in the past, I know how it feels to be locked up and wanting contact with the outside world, be it friends, family etc… I wrote her and she wrote back, and we exchanged pictures.

I am twice her age. I tried to get permission to visit her but was denied because I had served prior jail time.

Our communication has been e-mails, letters, and phone calls. I buy her things, and she is appreciative of everything I have done for her.

She says she wants to be with me when she gets out, which is not far off, and I’d love for it to happen, but I don’t know how my daughters will react because she’s their age.

Right now its friendship, but I know it could quickly evolve into love. I have prayed about it. All the signs keep saying we are good for each other. Abby, what to do? A Generation Older

Dear G.O: If you can, find out from the warden what the woman is incarcerated for. (Could it have been for conning people? Armed robbery?) Close your wallet and see how your “pen pal” reacts, because you may not be her only benefactor.

After she has been released, there’s no guarantee your relationship will evolve into love. In fact, she could have a change of heart about committing to someone who’s old enough to be her father. Please stop and look both ways before proceeding further. www.dearabby.com

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filmmaker101 06-25-2010, 03:17 PM I think if u have doubts about ur man...chances r he is using u...women, Intuitions r very strong!

07-27-2010, 05:00 PM

This thread here is to help those MWi Ladies/Gentlemen who are new to the MWI Relationship; signs to watch out for.

I'm not saying that every man or woman behind bars is out there to use you because I know deep down inside that my hubby was never in it to do that - but we have to face reality and admit that there are some guys/women that are...so just to help others out - please post signs or actions that you think would be a Red Flag.

07-28-2010, 12:51 PM always asking you for money

07-28-2010, 02:24 PM

Telling you to visit only on certain days.. (maybe someone else is visiting)

07-31-2010, 08:49 PM

A great sign that he is using you … Many years ago before I met my husband, I dated a guy for a short time and he was arrested for some old tickets.

The sign I got that he was using me was when I showed up at the same that the other woman did. Wow, not a pretty sight in the lobby! We broke up of course.

I found out later that the other woman waited on him.

He cheated on her when he got out.

Then he ended up going to prison for about a year or more, some poor woman (not the same one) stood beside him the entire time & waited for him.

He has no problems getting the women. Now he has been out of prison for about 6 months & he is always looking for other women while with her.

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08-18-2010, 10:34 PM originally posted by B-Baby

My x kept asking for money and when i sent money it was never enough.

So i moved on and meet another guy same thing always asking me why i wasn’t sending him money when i knew he was doing bad.

I was suppose to send him money and have minutes on my phone and when i didn’t send him money and had minutes on my phone he wouldn't call for weeks and as soon as i sent money he called like nothing. Telling me had been just busy so guess what I stopped sending him money and haven’t heard from him in 2 months.

But he told me he loved me and wanted to be with me when he got out in 2011. Makes it very hard to trust men in prison ... but i fell in love with them both ... one i went and seen a few times the other never meet.

I am talking to a guy now and at first money wasn’t even talked about he called me on his minutes, but once i started sending him money he was buying stuff himself calling his family and then didn’t have minutes on the phone to talk to me had to use his homies minutes.

I get very upset and confused what to do any answers please help i don’t wanna look or feel like fool

Sorry 2 say but the guy that u stopped sending money to and u have not heard from him in 2 months is using you! The other guy is using you to sorry girl, maybe i am wrong but that's the way i see it! I would just move on!! Good luck to you and don't send them anymore money ok!!

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Santa Clara County Sheriff's Deputies Look For Jail Escapees Rogelio Chavez And Laron Campbell Tuesday, Nov. 29, 2016 (Associated Press)

San Jose, Calif. --- One of two inmates who sawed their way out of a California jail and vanished last week was recaptured late Tuesday, authorities said. The search continued for the other one.

The Santa Clara County Sheriff's Office said Laron Campbell was taken back into custody and was being transported back to Santa Clara County. It wasn't immediately clear where the arrest occurred, and no other details were released.

Deputies are still searching for Rogelio Chavez, it said.

Chavez and Campbell escaped with two other prisoners last Wednesday night from Santa Clara County's main jail by cutting through the bars covering a second-story window and then rappelling to the ground on a bed sheet rope. The others were quickly apprehended.

Earlier Tuesday, heavily armed deputies surrounded a mobile home in San Jose in which they believed Chavez was hiding — but came up empty-handed.

Deputies placed nearby schools on lockdown and searched several places throughout the county after receiving tips of the possible location of Chavez, said Santa Clara County Sheriff's spokesman Sgt. Rich Glennon.

Santa Clara County Sheriff's SWAT team was dispatched to a mobile home parked on an east San Jose street.

“He was not discovered at that location but we continue to search and our investigators remain in the area processing information and interviewing witnesses,” Glennon said.

A woman who helped Chavez after he escaped was arrested Monday on suspicion of being an accessory to a crime, Glennon said.

Emily Vaca, 35, of San Jose, helped Chavez evade authorities by driving him around the county. She was arrested Monday after authorities raided a motel in Gilroy, where Chavez was believed to be hiding, Glennon said.

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The Mail: The Perils Of Finding Your Match August/September 2015 AARP the Magazine

As I read this article, I could feel the anxiety build. For over two and a half years, I lived much the same scenario. I had met someone special on Match.com.

One emergency after another happened where my match asked for help. Even though I tried to verify and question everything, I also lost more than $300, 000 before permanently cutting off communications.

I wish I was exposed to this article three years ago! I still believe there is a match for everyone, but finding this online may not be best. Teresa Bailey

Internet Post: Digitalbear, Phoenix My roommates’ bride just came in from the Philippines a few months ago. She says she hated having sex with him. She also got pregnant day two.

He loves going to concerts and movies and out in general and she absolutely hates it. I don't see it lasting more than 6 years. It's sad because now a child will be involved. The things you'll do to not be lonely.

Boutros, Portland, I know an American who taught English in Russia. He met a young thing with a 10 year old son. Soon they were 'in love,' and the guy came home to tell his wife and 3 kids he was leaving them.

After he married the woman, and she and her son moved here, things started to go south. After 2 years she and the son left, and now the man has nothing. Let the buyer beware.

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Fear, Loathing And Dating In The Glass City Mr. I wear my income on my sleeve

This dude has the hottest car, with the hottest rims, wears the flyest clothes, has the newest shoes --- etc … and he has nothing in the bank. He lives with his mother and sadly enough sometimes even tries to have sex with women there.

Or he tries to move into his girlfriend’s house that gets government housing so he can live there for free and then invest his employment checks on his material things.

How To Spot A Gigolo California Psychics

Vincent entered this world with the natural gift of a pleasing and harmonious voice. His thick, curly dark hair softly caressed his angelic oval face. He had compelling, piercing, blue-green eyes.

He was his father’s pride and joy; he had deep love for his son, and many expectations, also. “Make your mother proud,” he would often say.

Vincent’s mother had died while giving birth to him in the back seat of a taxi while visiting her parents in Chicago. His father swore to make this up to his son.

He first had him baptized in a cathedral in Italy --- where he himself had been baptized, and had been an altar boy. His hope was that his son would aspire to service in the Church as well.

Both father and son moved back and forth from Italy to California every year. Franco made sure that his son’s schooling was here in the States, and that his vacation time was spent in their home town in Italy.

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Vincent was seventeen years old when I first met him. He was sent to live with my grandmother, who was a distant relative of his mother, after the boy’s father died in a car accident.

I was introduced to Vincent on his seventeenth birthday, during a party that the family had thrown for him. My first impression was here comes trouble! As he strutted over to me, he proceeded to wrap a red handkerchief around his forehead, Sylvester Stallone style. What a shocker --- from that day forward I saw what a real Gigolo was capable of!

In the following ten years, Vincent wreaked havoc in the lives of many women. At seventeen, he had his first child with a fourteen-year-old, only to keep it from the girl’s parents, whom he extorted great deals of money from in order to remain part of their grandchild’s life.

At eighteen he married, and was divorced two years later, after fathering two children in that marriage, while fathering six more and a set of twins from older women who knew nothing about any other, but whom Vince extorted thousands of dollars from.

He always seemed to keep up on the sex end of all of these relationships --- especially the ones outside of the marriage.

At age twenty, Vince was living with a heiress and her seventeen-year-old daughter. In one year, he extorted three quarters of her money, and got the woman’s daughter pregnant.

After the baby was born, they took it and left the woman with nothing.

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By the time he was twenty-one, Vince already had twelve children. At age twenty-two, Vince is still controlling his assets --- receiving large amounts of money and having sex with all of his women, as well as blackmailing all of the grandparents.

At age twenty-five, Vince set himself up in a condo and bought an Audi. His wardrobe was so large he needed four walk in closets. Only the best for Vincent.

At age twenty-eight, though, Vince started to lose his hair. He turned to cocaine. The women provided of course, but it wasn’t long before he overdosed and was sent to rehab. The party was over on his twenty-eighth birthday.

Baby count at this time was fifty-three!

In counseling, Vince admits that he “Hates God” and “All women!” Why?

“Because the significant ones left him here to fend for himself!”

Vincent disappeared at age thirty.

Is he still out there?

Is he preying on other women?

You?

Your daughter?

Don’t ever hand your partner money, unless it’s change for his dollar. Vincent isn’t the only Gigolo on the loose.

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Carmen Hexe May 25, 2010 at 10:31 am Oh dear, I know the kind. They sometimes even have sociopathic traits and feel justified in taking women for everything they can get. .

For me, the worst part is that we usually know when we meet one of these douche bags, but somehow feel that we can change or save them. This is when they can do the real damage, because this is when women will stick around with these guys until they get dumped.

Jacqueline x9472 May 24, 2010 at 2:09 pm Hi Darcy,

Love your article, as with any new relationship, there has to be a balance, they have to give you as much as you give them, if not then you may need to really look at the relationship, evaluate whether or not the relationship is really the right one.

There are men out there whether they are gigolo’s or not that are the takers, this is not right nor fair rarely have I ever seen this balance out, as the relationship establishes its foundation and a taker establishes that role usually it will stay that way for the rest of the relationship, unfortunately some only want what they can get.

Gina Rose ext.9500 May 24, 2010 at 6:56 am Hi Darcy,

These guys are the worst!!!!! Not only do they break a woman’s heart, but also drain her energy, time, AND her wallet, bank account, not to mention, loading up her charge cards.

They have a healthy hatred for women, are usually very charming and seductive while” being down on their luck” at the same time. They start out by playing on her maternal nurturing instincts …until they gain an emotional hold … then they turn passive/aggressive and manipulative.

In the end, they usually, as Darcy points out in her article, lose their handsome good looks … or wind up in jail for things like identity theft or credit card fraud … (where their handsome good looks do NOT help them … LOL !) but only after they wreaked havoc for so many female victims.

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Confessions Of A Con Artist

Book: Outsmarting The Scam Artists: How To Protect Yourself From The Most Clever Cons By: Doug Shadel November 2012 AARP the Magazine

A veteran scammer reveals how he made millions ripping off unsuspecting investors --- and how you can protect yourself from people like him

Developing the persona This was lesson number one: Assume a false personality or social mask that makes it easier to pull off the deception. Swindling is really acting, and you play a character that will help you appear legitimate, confident and successful … even when you are not.

I’ve trained hundreds of salesmen who worked in scam boiler rooms. And I always told them to picture themselves with the big sprawling office, sitting behind the mahogany desk, with the family portrait on the credenza.

Your autographed football and jerseys are hanging on the wall, along with awards and several pictures of you posing with famous actors. The pool table is across the room on the left hand side.

You are this bigwig whom everybody wants to talk to. The idea is to build up confidence, so that when you ask for the money you won’t show one lick of fear or hesitation or doubt that it isn’t, hands down, absolutely the greatest decision this client is making for his or her family and future.

The persona explains how a barrel of dented can drug addicts can persuade successful business people to write big checks without reading the paperwork. On the outside you will see nothing but charm, an engaging personality and swagger.

On the inside lies a predator. There is no conscience in this business. It’s every man for himself, and the goal is to acquire as much money as possible.

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Book: Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man By: Steve Harvey Question: How do men feel about women who ask for money?

Mr. Harvey: Don’t do it in the beginning of the relationship, unless you’re perfectly comfortable with the title of gold digger.

But if you’re in a relationship --- just you and him --- and you’re really in a financial pinch, mention it and see how he reacts.

Say, “I’m really in a crunch, and I’m embarrassed to ask, but I really need your help.

Do you think you could loan me $100 to meet this payment?

I’ll pay you back as soon as I can.”

Most men who really care about you won’t think anything of it if they have it.

Police Blotter: Perkins Police 10: 27 a.m. 4200 block Milan Road Thursday May 14

Man reported another man pulled up to the vehicle he and his girlfriend were in and demanded his girlfriend pay back money she owed him.

Whatta Dope! Doctor busted for drug ring --- but stripper wife insists SHE was the boss and kept him in the dark November 28, 2016 Globe

Dr. Stanley Toelle knew his wife Loren was stripping in Las Vegas clubs --- but his naughty missus says he didn’t know the hundreds of thousands of dollars he shelled out to support her, her hair extension business and her grown children was actually funding a drug empire!

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Laughter The Best Medicine December 2016 Reader’s Digest

A wealthy 75 year old widower starts showing up around town with a beautiful and much younger wife.

“How did you get her to marry you?” his friend asks.

“I lied about my age.”

“You told her you were 60?”

“No, I told her I was 90.”

Book: Tell Me All About It By: Jeffrey Zaslow Dear Zazz: Can you base a relationship on money alone? Wondering

I replied: Your relationship with your automatic teller machine can be based on money alone.

But between family, friends and especially lovers, a relationship based on money lasts only as long as the money holds out.

If you’re the one with the money and feel used, cash in.

If you’re seeing someone because of money, think about what that person sees in you. You could be being used too.

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Dear Deanna! My girlfriend is sending mixed signals about our relationship.

At times, she makes me feel as if I’m the only one for her and other times she makes me feel as if she doesn’t want me.

As long as I’m spending money and things go her way, she’s happy.

When things aren’t rosy or I have an issue or need attention, she acts funny.

I’m beginning to feel like she’s using me but don’t know how to approach her. How do I ask where I stand in this relationship? Wayne

Dear Wayne: You’re being used and have allowed yourself to become a financial sponsor. If you can pull the money away and still get the girl, you have your answer.

She doesn’t give a damn about you and her emotions are tied to your money and what she can get out of you.

You can make an effort and let her know you’re scaling back on the spending, and ask to have your needs met. If she agrees to work on this, then stick with it.

If not, pack your bags and exit stage left. [email protected]

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Book: Legal Q & A By: Reader’s Digest

Question: Clifford’s live in housekeeper, an attractive young woman, was always very attentive to Clifford, who was a widower, but she turned him against his children. Shortly before he died, Clifford revised his will, cutting out his children and leaving everything to the housekeeper. Can the children contest the will?

Answer: Yes, but you would have to show that the housekeeper used undue influence over Clifford and that there was a connection between her influence and Clifford’s decision to cut the children out of his will.

For example, if the children can show that their father was so smitten with the housekeeper that he would do anything she asked and that she deliberately manipulated him into changing his will in her favor, a court may declare the will invalid.

Elderly Dad Left Everything To New Wife

Dear Annie: I am married to one of four siblings who dutifully took care of their aged parents until their mother died a few years ago. Daddy, in his mid 80's, met a bevy of women at his new upscale care facility and proposed marriage to one of them within two weeks. She turned him down, but a mutual friend accepted and she secretly married Daddy shortly thereafter.

The woman has two children, both in professional jobs, one of whom is an attorney. At first, we liked the stepmother, laughed a bit and everyone got along well. But 18 months later, Daddy died and we discovered that he had drafted a document leaving his estate, worth almost a million dollars, to her.

Now the stepmother will not answer any of our calls and hangs up if we somehow manage to get through. We certainly feel slighted, but this woman is our legal stepmother and we would, with civility, like to make our case to her to use some of that money to help with our children's college tuitions. How do we address her? Bombed In Birmingham

Dear Bombed: Oh, my. We're certain our readers will come up with many names you can call her, none of which are printable. Your 80 something father in law signed over his estate to a woman he barely knew, they married in secret, and it lasted a short time. This entire situation sounds fishy. You need a lawyer. Now. [email protected]

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How To Identify A Gold Digger

Gold diggers have expensive tastes and like to have glamorous lifestyles. They spend a lot of time on grooming and their looks.

There is a type of woman whose sole purpose of being in a relationship is for material gain. There are certain common traits that a man can spot to steer clear of such types.

After one traumatic episode, some men will instinctively learn to smell a gold digger miles away from the subtle combination of enticing charm and beauty she skillfully uses to bring her victims to their knees and getting them to pull out their wallets at the click of her fingers.

Some men, however, need the characteristics of gold diggers clearly spelled out for them otherwise; they cannot avoid falling into these ladies’ traps.

Gold diggers’ don’t come from the moon, they are ordinary girls who just seem a little more attentive to their looks and aim to have both fun and a comfortable life.

They discover early that they actually don’t have to work hard to have this life, some man somewhere will finance it if they can play their cards right.

Bottom line, a gold digger is in it for the money, when it dries up, she’ll be up and gone. Just like that.

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Before delving into the traits of these ladies however, it is needless to say that men usually set themselves up to be exploited sometimes.

Because they are smitten and would love to show that they are worth being with, they swoon over her and start showing off, telling her where they work and how much they earn.

Taking her to your plush house immediately will only cause her to pull out her tools fast and start working.

Her phone will get stolen, her rent will be due and she’ll need a new outfit for the party you’re taking her to.

At this point, you may be too smitten to say no, but the list of needs will keep coming.

There are men who are more than glad however to have the temporary company of these beauties in exchange for meeting their demands. www.askmen.com, a respected website for men, advises that if you’re seriously looking for a relationship, the girl before you may actually not be a gold digger, but a genuine beautiful classy girl.

To find out for sure, take her to inexpensive dates, and don’t take her to your place or tell her what you do.

A gold digger will run if she doesn’t smell any money in sight while a genuine girl will stay put.

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Look at our characteristics of a gold digger Quickly agreeing to a relationship

Somehow it seems like she was just waiting for you to come into her life.

She doesn’t seem to have any qualities of what she wants in a man in mind because she’s not looking to settle down for the long haul.

Frank, a businessman, found this beautiful girl in the club and they went out for six months. To his relief, she did not ask any unsettling questions, like most girls do, about where she stood with him.

When he called, she came and when she asked for money, he gave it to her. She didn’t mind that he smoked, drank like a fish and swore like the devil.

He was slowly getting attached to her and asked to spend a weekend at his bachelor pad one day with the excuse that he had no money. She bluntly refused to come saying she needed money for rent and was going to spend the weekend figuring out how to get it.

“She doesn’t work, so how else was she going to be figuring how to get it?” he asks angrily.

An unexplainable glamorous and expensive lifestyle A gold digger goes only to expensive places for salon, dinner, shopping and hanging out.

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She actually knows the menu at Emin Pasha and their daily specials. This wouldn’t be a problem but she has no explainable source of income to maintain this lifestyle.

Apparently, she’s a model but modeling in Uganda hasn’t become lucrative enough for a 20 something to be able to earn enough to rent an apartment in Ntinda and furnish it that expensively. You’re sure she’s not Patricia Namayirira.

Even then, the modeling thing seems like a farce because a weekend at your place means watching movies on Monday as she gets over the hangover.

She leaves on Tuesday and spends her Wednesdays in a salon re-doing her hairstyle.

She starts making plans for hanging out and partying on Thursday.

So, when does she work?

Secondly, there is no mention of a family fortune that could account for her expensive life and somehow, you took up all or most of her financial burdens when you stepped into her life.

You’re a generous man and you have the money to spend on a beautiful girl like her, but remember she is a gold digger, only in it for your money. Agnes K. Namaganda

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The Six Common Cons You Should Avoid: Romance Book: Scam Proof Your Life By: Sid Kirchheimer January 2014 AARP Bulletin

Karen & Tracy Vasseur A mother and daughter team from a Denver suburb, posed on dating websites as U.S. military personnel serving in Afghanistan. Over a three year period, they made off with more than $1 million from 374 people in the U.S. and 40 other countries, often saying the money would pay for tickets home for meet-ups.

In August, mother Karen was sentenced to 12 years in state prison; daughter Tracy received a 15 year sentence.

Police Blotter: Vermilion Police 1: 32 p.m. 300 block Roxboro Road Wednesday July 10

Homeowner's ex-boyfriend suspected of trying to burglarize home.

Police Blotter: Sandusky Police 8: 50 p.m. Ogontz and Fifth streets Thursday July 11

Man asked if he could return home after girlfriend accused him of theft.

Police Blotter: Erie County Sheriff 3: 11 a.m. 9300 block Mason Road Monday July 22

Woman reported boyfriend stole video camera, antique motorcycle and gold necklace; she asked deputies to warn him to stay off her property.

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Women Scorned Lead Police To Suspected Thief Who Found Victims Through Dating Website

Women who went on dates with a Perris man they met through a popular website banded together and turned to police after the man stole their purses and personal belongings, authorities said.

“This is one of those things --- women scorned,” said Riverside police Det. Byron Adcox, crediting the victims with building the case.

“They just got pissed off. They did a lot of the legwork.”According to police detectives, 29-year-old Oscar Mandujano-Quinonez, who also went by Manny, would take women he met through the website Plenty Of Fish on dates and then steal from them.

Mandujano-Quinonez allegedly used his real name and photograph on the website and took the women on dates in his own car, making it easy for his victims to report him to police.

“He's probably not the smartest guy,” Adcox said. “I sat in on an interview with the guy. He admitted some stuff but denied others.”

The case against Mandujano-Quinonez began in mid-November, when one of his alleged victims said that he got her to step outside of his car to “look at something” then sped off with her purse and other belongings still inside his vehicle, a silver Saturn, Adcox said.

He then listed her items and other victims' property online for sale, police said.

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When police searched his home, they found other women's property too, Adcox said.

Mandujano-Quinonez actually took the women on dates and spent time with them before the thefts, police said.

Adcox believes some victims may have avoided reporting the crimes at first out of embarrassment. But as news of Mandujano-Quinonez's arrest has spread, more women have come forward, Adcox said.

Mandujano-Quinonez was arrested Monday when he went to a Riverside park thinking he was going to meet another victim, police said.

He was booked on suspicion of two counts of grand theft, misdemeanor petty theft and a misdemeanor probation violation, jail records show. He has posted bail and is due in court Feb. 6th.

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Farrah In Florida July 9, 2012 Us Weekly

The teen mom whose ex Derek Underwood was killed in a car crash before their daughter was born --- shares her woes with Us.

Question: Describe your ideal guy.

Farrah: I want somebody who is honest and has his own thing going on and won’t be sucking off me for everything.

Susan Boyle: The Man Of Her Dreams

“The right man hasn’t come along yet, but she’d be overjoyed if she found Mr. Wonderful. Not that there aren’t plenty of eager and willing suitors! Since she wowed the world with her angelic voice in April, men have been banging on Susan’s door.” “She gets marriage proposals galore from adoring fans,” says Rick. “But she’s wary of con artists who want to befriend her only for her money.”

Book: Call Her Miss Ross By: J. Randy Taraborrelli

He would tell us how important it was not to let the money and fame and fortune go to our heads. I thought he was an uncanny person, and so honest. He told me that when he first got money he got tied up in the flesh thing --- girls, girls, and girls. And he didn't want me to get involved with a lot of men now that I was becoming rather wealthy.

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The Webster’s New World Dictionary Cad

A man whose behavior is not gentlemanly.

Divorce Court (TV Show)

Woman marries man who owes $2, 500 back child support. She pays the debt with a promise that he will repay her, which he never does. Judge awarded the wife the money warning her to avoid repeating this type of mistake in the future being that his irresponsibility is not her debt.

Etiquette Tip: Cads Book: Miss Manners’ Guide To Excruciatingly Correct Behavior By: Judith Martin

Parents no longer have to warn their daughters about cads with evil intentions, or their sons about gold diggers with greedy designs.

The young now warn themselves. They warn one another. They warn strangers, over the Internet.

And they warn the cads and gold diggers, even before candidates for these positions have had a chance to do anything caddish or gold diggish (or perhaps golden diggeryish).

Reciting to innocent people a list of the sort of behavior to which one has been subjected by others in the past and the declaration of never putting up with it again has become one of the rites of early courtship.

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Miss Manners isn’t even sure she should know how to define a cad or a gold digger by today’s standards.

Once a cad was someone who enticed a lady into consummating a promised marriage before the ceremony had taken place. Now, perhaps, a cad is someone who tells the mother of his children that he’s not ready to make such a serious commitment.

A gold digger may no longer be someone who strings gentlemen along while she works busily to get hold of their fortunes. She is more likely to be someone who strings gentlemen along because she is too busy for them while she is working to make her own fortune.

The big change that Miss Manners sees here is in the identity of the person who is too wary to be fooled by the enticements of romance. This is a job that was traditionally performed by people who had long since found their own secure life partners, so they had the luxury of being cynical on behalf of the young.

The youthful cry of “let me do it myself” has spread far beyond tying their own shoelaces and driving other people’s cars.

In romance, it covers everything. Miss Manners is not saying that the young were wrong in demanding to choose their own marriage partners, although the success rate of marriages did not soar as promised.

Nor has it been helped by the demand to conduct the courtship without chaperonage --- for example, by the couple’s renting an apartment of their own for that purpose.

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It was obviously a mistake for them to do away with society’s mechanisms for throwing single people together so they could meet on their own without the help of community activities, social dances and awkward dinners at which the only two eligible people found themselves sitting next to each other while everyone else smiled expectantly.

They have figured out no better way to do it than to advertise themselves like dry goods to strangers.

So they have all the more reason to be wary.

The trouble is that being constantly suspicious is as unattractive a state as --- well, as being held under unprovoked suspicion.

It is decidedly not conductive to romance.

This is why it was useful to divide the job.

Parents didn’t mind being unattractive, while those they guarded could afford, under their protection, to be winningly trustful. www.missmanners.com

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The Cons: Sex, Lies, And Your Computer Screen Book: Rules 11 By: Ellen Fein & Sherrie Schneider

Online dating can be a serious time waster because men and women often look for different things online.

Many men tend to look for sex, while women are looking for love.

It can be a full time job. There are lots of messages to reply to, and you have to take time to delete the frogs before you can save a prince.

It can be dangerous if you hand out too much personal information, so you are often monitoring what you are dispensing.

People can easily misrepresent themselves online with old pictures, old information, or worse, a fake profile with someone else's information on it!

It can keep you single for a long time because you spend countless hours in front of the computer screen instead of getting back out there and meeting people and experiencing life live and in person.

Don’t kid yourself. e-mails are no different from phone calls, letters, and greeting cards. We don’t call them, we don’t write them letters or cards, and we don’t overdo e-mail.

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Whether you are dating online or face to face, men are still men. They do not fall in love with and marry the women who send them the most revealing and most frequent e-mails, even if they say that’s what they want.

They might tell you that they like women who are honest and open, who say they want a commitment if they want a commitment, who don’t play games.

But they actually chase and/or marry women they are physically attracted to who are elusive and challenging and whose e-mails are as well.

Short and sweet is always the best.

If you’re on the computer chatting with him so much, how challenging are you? How interesting can your life be if you are glued to your terminal and have time to chat with him ten times a day?

Let him get into the habit of e-mailing you interesting tidbits about his day without necessarily receiving a response every time. Remember, online or in person, you are a creature unlike any other and worth pursuing, so let him.

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Men Who Are Up To No Good Show five common characteristics

Keeps questionable company: Players run in packs. If your man has friends who are players, especially his best friend, 9 times out of 10, so is he.

Inflexible: A woman should not have to beg her man to go to her family’s house for dinner or out to the movies.

Inaccessible: When your man cannot be reached for hours, something is wrong, especially if it’s 10 o’clock on a Tuesday night.

Sexually inconsistent: A man who has several sex partners can unconsciously change the way he kisses and makes love.

He’ll also come up with lame excuses for not being able to perform.

And don’t be surprised if he calls out another woman’s name in bed.

Spiritually bankrupt: Praying with your partner over meals, before going to bed or simply to give thanks for another day is essential to building a strong relationship. Remember, a man who does not know God, believes he is God.

Michael Baisden, who conducts popular seminars on relationships, is the Author of Men Cry In The Dark and Never Satisfied: How And Why Men Cheat, both from Legacy Publishing.

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Male Call

So long, Mr. Wrong! Michael Baisden shares inside secrets and obvious clues that we’re sometimes too love struck to spot.

On the jazzy track Mr. Wrong, sultry songstress Sade tells the story of a cold hearted and manipulative man and the beautiful woman who is determined to change him.

The song encourages the woman to stand strong and leave the no good cheater, but experience tells us that she’s probably still hanging in there, taking even more emotional abuse.

Now, this may not seem like the ideal topic for the romantic month of February. However, maybe, just maybe, this is the best time of all.

Besides, many of you probably did not receive flowers or candy anyway. Men are notorious for breaking up with women before the holidays, especially Valentine’s Day.

Mr. Wrong is often a cheapskate who does not intend to spend his hard earned money on red roses, poetic cards and boxes of chocolate. Nevertheless, his biggest fear has nothing to do with money.

Valentine’s Day marks the unofficial holiday for women to take emotional inventory of their relationships.

Many men, especially Mr. Wrong, will avoid being put on the spot during this sensitive period when an evening of passionate lovemaking can quickly turn into the Spanish Inquisition.

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Women have been known to stop abruptly in the middle of the act and drop the bomb: “Where is this relationship going?” And the truthful and painful answer to that question is, “nowhere!”

Mr. Wrong is already at his next destination.

The few women who eventually wake up, experience every emotion from depression to anger. Their first impulse is to blame the no good man for deceiving them. Ultimately, the mature woman realizes that she has only herself to blame.

Mr. Wrong was no rocket scientist with a genius IQ; nor was he James Bond 007 master of disguise. What he has, however, was a master of choice.

Men with bad intentions (The Hunters, as I refer to them in my book Never Satisfied) have always been able to spot easy prey women with low self-esteem, financial problems, no associations with strong male figures, or, who are new to town.

For some women, the Cheater may trigger a fantasy of proving to themselves how special they are by being the one to satisfy this previously insatiable man.

If they are “woman enough” he will not need another. This underlying thought, most often dormant and subconscious, is the underlying motivation for staying too long with the Cheater.

What these women don’t understand is that the Cheater is not looking for a woman. He is not looking for a relationship. He is looking for power through sexual conquest.

In other words, you are only good until he has conquered you.

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Cheating Without Meeting

Cupid would be shocked! The Internet has spawned a bizarre new phenomenon --- people using their computers to have “e-motional affairs” with strangers they meet online.

For years, people have used the Internet to cheat on their spouses by meeting online and then either having cybersex or meeting in person.

But now, men and women are increasingly getting deeply emotionally involved with someone via the web --- but DO NOT have sex.

“These relationships have all the characteristics of real life love affairs, but without the sex,” says Dr. Ian Kerner, PhD., a New York sex therapist and relationship counselor. “Many people see it as a guilt free way to have a relationship with someone of the opposite sex because they don’t consider it cheating,” said Dr. Kerner.

Dr. Kerner told The ENQUIRER: “It’s become so rampant that the Internet is now cited as playing a role in one out of two divorce filings in the U.S,” said the expert, whose Authored several books including Sex Recharge: A Rejuvenation Plan For Couples.

“E-motional affairs” often creep up on people. It could be that you get an e-mail from an ex or somebody you had a crush on in school. There’s that moment of excitement, and you start to fantasize about that person.

“It might start with somebody you meet in a chat room, a blog or on a social network like Face book or two people at work begin exchanging e-mails.”

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“Guys say, “How can it be cheating when there’s no sex?” But it is.

Women certainly say it’s cheating. They’re devastated when they discover what their partner has been up to, often talking about the most intimate things in their lives with another woman.

“I’ve had women come in carrying binders full of hundreds of e-mails their partner has been exchanging with another woman.”

Dr. Kerner estimates about 25 to 35 percent of “e-motional affairs” spill over into real life sexual relationships.

He said a common myth is that only people in unhappy relationships carry on these affairs. “You can have a happily married couple when one of them suddenly gets an e-mail from an ex, and the next thing you know, they’re having an on line affair.”

The affairs stop when the offender gets caught, said the expert. “There’s a confrontation, and that usually ends it.”

Your partner may be having an e-motional affair if he or she: Begins spending an excessive amount of time online.

Uses the computer after you’ve gone to bed.

Positions the computer screen so it’s difficult for others to see.

Shuts off the computer when you approach.

Maintains multiple e-mail addresses.

Deletes the “personal history” from the computer browser. Philip Smith

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Dr. Phil: May We Help You? Book: Life Code: The New Rules For Winning In The Real World By: Dr. Phillip C. McGraw

Question: My live-in boyfriend has a good friend who regularly cheats on his wife. Every once in a while, his friend schedules a night out that usually ends with my boyfriend hanging out with him and his latest mistress. They spend the night drinking together and talking about intimate topics like relationships, why men cheat, and why women date married men.

I’ve told my boyfriend that I am uncomfortable with this situation for several reasons: I’m put in a difficult position when we get together with his friend and his friend’s wife because I know he’s cheating on her; I question my boyfriend because he is essentially condoning his friend’s behavior; and I worry about the possibility of my boyfriend being influenced by his friend’s cheating.

Do I have the right to be upset about these nights out? And if so, how can I end them without endangering my own relationship?

Dr. Phil: You write that you feel uncomfortable around your boyfriend’s philandering buddy and his unsuspecting wife --- well, you should.

The fact is you are lying by omission. Your boyfriend has put you in a very awkward position, which violates you and your values.

And now that you’re roped in, your silence makes you part of the conspiracy to deceive his wife.

Wouldn’t it be ironic if this other guy is going home and confiding in his wife that your boyfriend is cheating on you and neither of you is cluing the other woman in?

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I conducted an informal poll about this situation that included my wife, Robin, and a bunch of my producers. 20 out of 20 people said that you should tell the wife what’s going on. It sounds like you instinctively agree with them, so you need to be true to your values and to yourself by stepping up and being a friend to her.

As for your boyfriend, even if he isn’t actually cheating, he’s guilty by association.

Think about it.

What does it say about him that he condones his friend’s open disrespect and infidelity?

What does it say about him that he can go out with his buddy and his mistress and then sit down and have dinner with the guy’s wife and play her for a fool?

What does it say about him that he puts you in such a position with no consideration for your feelings?

The fact that your boyfriend is OK with this guy’s behavior should make you question his character and the authenticity of your relationship. You worry about endangering that relationship, but it’s a risk you need to take.

Tell him straight up one more time how you feel. You need to confront him, and if he dislikes the fact that you’re done with this conspiracy, then that’s too bad.

The bottom line is that he’s a liar, plain and simple. If your boyfriend is not willing to clean up his act, resolve to cut your losses and move on.

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Script Of The Month: Refusing To Play Along In An Ugly Game

I’m not OK with this on so many levels. That your value system condones your friend’s behavior. That you are conspiring to deceive his wife. That you have so little respect for me that you pulled me into this and expect me to lie by omission.

I don’t want to be part of this deal, and I don’t want a boyfriend who thinks any of this is acceptable. So you need to make this right or we have no future. I fully intend to tell this woman about what’s going on when I next see her --- I only hope she doesn’t have the same news to share with me.

What To Tell The Mate Of Someone Who’s Playing Around

It's incredible the number of times I am asked in telephone calls on radio or TV talk shows, or in written questions (always anonymous) sent up at the conclusion of a lecture, “If you know your friend's husband or wife is committing adultery, do you let your friend know the bad news?”

I always answer, “In the first place, you have to be sure of that accusation, and that is difficult enough in itself.

In the second place, let your friend find out some other way --- not through you.

That is the kind of accusation that you don't talk about to other people, either.”

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Dear Deanna! I want more out of my current relationship but I think my past is causing negativity between us.

I have been known to have more than one boyfriend and play the field but I’ve changed.

I’m ready to settle down by my past seems to haunt me on a regular basis.

My boyfriend tells me he would commit but he’s afraid he can’t trust me.

What can I do to prove that I’ve changed and can be trusted? Anonymous

Dear Anonymous: People believe that once you’re a cheat, you will always be a cheat.

Your lack of care for your morals is giving you a dose of reality that you can’t seem to swallow right now.

You’ve shown your boyfriend quite a few things when you thought he and others were not looking.

The only thing you can do is stay on the straight and narrow path in your relationship, meet his expectations and demonstrate to him that you’re on his team seeking longevity and a future. [email protected]

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Book: The Boyfriend Test By: Wendy L. Walsh Is his focus your body over your brain?

True, guys notice a woman’s physical attributes first, but if he can’t get past it in his initial conversation and too much attention is placed on your beauty, walk away. A savvy Dream Man will have balance in his first conversation with you. He may ask about your job, your hobbies, your family etc ...

He’ll tell you about himself. He may even slip in one polite comment about how attractive you are, but he won’t dwell there. He’s too cool and smart for that.

Beware of the man who keeps bringing the conversation back to compliments about your physical features. He brings it back to your looks because he’s looking to take you home --- and probably not for an extended stay.

Dating Woman Fed Up With Double Standards

Dear Deanna! I've fallen victim to society's double standard that pertains to dating.

I'm single and I have no intentions of being in a relationship because it's not on my agenda. I feel I should be able to see as many people as I want without being judged.

Why can men go around the world and sample everything but when women do it, we're called out of our name and everything else? Karla

Dear Karla: A man leaves his dirt in the street but a woman takes hers home. You need to be honest and see your lifestyle for what it is.

You're foot loose, fancy free and aren't responsible.

Women are expected to behave with morals and values when it comes to dating and life in general.

If you choose otherwise, as only a foolish woman will, then you deserve all the hard knocks that come your way. [email protected]

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Ask Dr. Sam: What In The Sex Do You Want? June 25, 2013 The Toledo Journal

Tony H. 38: “To tell you the truth sex is just sex to me unless I am in love with you.

I am still looking for that special woman because I want to settle down and have a family. I admit I haven't always been right but I am working on it.” www.sammallette.com

Ask Dr. Sam Pathway Christian News

Dear Dr. Sam: Can you give me tips on getting more women? Roger 20

Roger, Roger, Roger. I know you are probably not going to hear this right now at 20 years old but I will tell you any way.

Roger, as you get older it’s not about the quantity, but the quality of woman you will be seeking. As one of the old players said “One good woman is better than 20 chicken heads any day of the week.”

Right now you are just trying to build your ego but I understand, but in a few years this won’t even matter.

Secondly, remember this if you ever have a daughter of your own those same 20 year old boys now including you will be there then. Remember, the same notches you’re trying to get on your belt, is the same notches your future 20 year olds are trying to get on theirs. www.sammallette.com

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Cosmo Confession: What He’s Really Thinking During Sex

“The first thing I’m doing when I see a girl naked is comparing her chest and butt to other girls I’ve been with. Early on, I made the mistake of telling someone this, which didn’t end well. Now I keep it to myself.” David

The Father I Thought I Knew November 2012 More

Book: One Drop: My Father’s Hidden Life --- A Story Of Race And Family Secrets By: Bliss Broyard

He took some secrets to his grave. But that didn’t keep his daughter from digging them up. No matter the motives for his seductive behavior --- the more I recognized it as fundamental to his being, the more I saw its impact on me.

Among his correspondence, I found an envelope containing two dozen photos of young women, wearing bathing suits or short shorts to better show off their legs (at my dad’s request?), and a sheet of paper covered with female names and mysterious notations: G, B or SS.

I spent months wondering whether the letters represented pregnancies: “girl” “boy” and “stopped short?”

Then one day I showed the page to a male friend, who pronounced: “good,” “bad,” “so-so.”

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Men Gone Wild!

I tell my friends all the time that they advertise “Girls Gone Wild” on a daily, but today there’s Men Gone Wild just wilding out.

My girlfriend told me about her boyfriend who, along with his male friends, was into spending thousands of dollars to go to sex mansions to have sex with several women at a time.

She had helped him lose weight, because she was heart and health conscious and tried to save him from common diseases our Black men die from early on (such as high blood pressure, diabetes and hypertension).

She encouraged him to stop overeating and drinking so much. Very often these are health problems that can be prevented by changing your lifestyle.

She also wanted him to grow closer to God. He rejected all of that --- and her too. He told her to just get out, and take her God crap with her.

Months passed. She got over her love for him but still remained a casual friend.

She eventually read on his computer that he planned to go on a sex binge in the Dominican Republic. She saw where he had signed up on a porno website to have sex with some of the best prostitutes in the D. R. along with his drinking and drugging friends.

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She warned him about the dangers of reckless undisciplined sex.

“Shut up, woman!” He was a man whore and was happy in his lust for sex cocktails. She hoped he was using condoms, but whoever said condoms were completely safe?

Shortly after his return, my good Christian girlfriend called me crying. He was back. He was in the hospital. He was full of fluids --- so much so that his legs had burst open. He had sepsis, a bacterial infection spread through the bloodstream that overwhelms the body. Toxins were all through his body. There was some sort of bite from a bug, or human, or something down by his groin.

His organs had shut down. The flesh on his thighs had started to rot. He couldn’t urinate. He was in a coma. They cut off his leg and days later he died.

It’s interesting that in his darkest most fearful hour, the first person he called was my good Christian girlfriend whom he had kicked out months ago.

A couple of days later, a male friend of mine told me he went to pick up his teenage son from a party where it was pitch black inside. The only light in the room came when he opened the door to the party. (And he propped the door open with his foot so he could be sure of what he saw).

There he saw boys lined up against the wall, arms stretched out as if they were on the cross, and young girls “backing that thang up” on the boys’ sex organs, some girls with their skirts hiked over their behinds.

This was the dance. ‘Children Gone Wild.’

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Cosmo Confession: Hot Guy Blooper

“I was seeing two girls at the same time, but I didn’t know that they were actually co-workers and had figured me out.

One night, one of the girls and I walked into a restaurant, where the other girl was waiting. After that, I knew I had zero chance with either of them.” Billy

The Girl Next Door Sex, dating, love and lust. Ali Fedotowsky will now take your questions

Question: I’ll just say it; I’m on Tinder because I want sex. But should I ever admit that to my dates? Justin

Ms. Fedotowsky: Well, not exactly. Just because she happens to be on Tinder doesn’t mean she’s looking to head straight to your place after happy hour.

So don’t lead with “Me Want Sex.”

Instead, try something like “I’m just keeping things casual right now.”

Women know exactly what that means.

And as long as you make it clear that your commitment ends when your alarm goes off the next morning, she can decide whether she wants to wake up next to you.

Worst Dates Ever! April 2014 Cosmopolitan

“During dinner on my first ever Tinder date, the guy talked non-stop about how his last Tinder date had a smelly vagina.” Amy B.

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Dear Deanna! I'm a bachelor that actively dates and I'm tired of women trying to change me. I go into relationships being honest and direct. After a while, these women want more than I'm willing to give.

I don't have any problems with this, but it makes me mad when they accuse me of leading them on, cheating and lying.

It is what it is and I say the same from the first date to the last.

What can I do to protect myself from drama when these women want more from me? Travis The Bachelor

Dear Bachelor: You put yourself in this situation by playing the “relationship game.”

If you don't want them asking for more, than you need to stop acting like a boyfriend and treat these women as “around the way” girls.

In other words, if you're a recreational dater giving your body to all, and heart to none, then let them know.

Yes, tell them that you're using them; you don't want anything serious and have more than one girlfriend.

This will make your life easy and simple because once they hear the real truth, they'll slam you and keep searching for a real man. [email protected]

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Dear Miss Manners: I am, according to friends and family, a very attractive, good looking man. I too like to think I am quite good looking.

This, however, is not the issue --- but it is part of it. I like most men, am attracted to gorgeous women. As such, I am holding out for the right woman to enter my life. I’ve made myself available to all the women who are and have been important to me.

But the problem is this: they are either intimidated for no reason or they just get all possessive and just plain crazy --- which, by the way is a huge turnoff.

I’ve been cheated on by girlfriends and alienated by the girls who’ve called me their friend. What do I do about this conundrum? Is it me?

Gentle Reader: You and everyone else. Even if you are the best looking person you ever saw.

Miss Manners is obliged to inform you that there are only three possibilities in courtship: You care for the other person more than she cares for you. You are welcome to call this being intimidated or, when she finds someone else, cheating.

The other person cares for you more than you care for her. Like you, everyone describes this as being possessive and crazy.

The caring is mutual. This is what you will call The Right Woman, for whom you say you are holding out while making yourself available to others. www.missmanners.com

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Ask Zane Question: How do I bring more spontaneous sex into my life?

Women are attracted to me and can tell within seconds that I’m a “nice guy.”

When I am honest and direct and explain that I really want to get my freak on, they are disappointed because they had a different impression.

But if I’m slow and roundabout, they want more of a serious commitment.

I want to know how to make women choose me for freak sessions. I am a nice guy, Zane. I don’t beat up on women or anything like that. I hope you feel my question. Calling All Super Freaks

Dear Calling: Nice guys can be freaks. What I am gathering is that women are assuming that you want a serious relationship but are upset when they find out differently.

Somewhere along the line, you are sending the wrong vibes or approaching the wrong women.

These days, there are plenty of women seeking “friends with benefits” and nothing more. A lot of them are sick of being unappreciated and misused and have decided that sex with no ties; is better than wasting their time and effort on loving someone.

Continue to be nice, but also be upfront if sex is all you are seeking.

Of course, one risk in that is that you might end up overlooking your soul mate while you are trolling. [email protected]

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Player On The Field: The Amateur Player This guy is trying to have sex with you: the clues are obvious

In summary, the Amateur Player is young in age or maturity level and rough around the edges. His looks are the main weapon in his arsenal of seduction.

His moves are obvious and weak. He is at a point in his life where girls are sport, and all he is interested in is scoring.

But be aware that when you are doing “the walk of shame” home from his apartment the next morning (he won't be paying for your cab), if he hasn't already forgotten your name, it has been replaced by a number.

You could ask nothing from him, be at his beck and call 24 hours a day, and fulfill his every fantasy in the bedroom, and he still won't call back.

Rule #1: You will never be the X factor girl who makes him only want to sleep with one woman.

Rule #2: There are no more dates with this guy after the first one night stand.

Rule #3: There are only late night drinks, 2: 00 a.m. booty calls, and pre-planned quickies.

Rule #4: Only have contact with him once a week for the above mentioned sexual matters.

Rule #5: No spooning, only limited passionate kissing on the lips.

Rule #6: Never, ever spend the night.

Rule #7: No deep personal conversation revealing your emotional needs, your future goals or descriptions of your soul mate.

She on Facebook

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10 Signs You’re Just A Booty Call Tweet on Twitter Ahh college, the big leagues of education. All those nights you’ve stayed in studying and sacrificing sleep to get good grades still can’t help you with the biggest personal challenge you’ll face during those four years: mixed signals.

No matter how many interpersonal classes you take, ladies, nothing will help you better understand a males mentality.

Does he actually like me?

Am I just a booty call?

What does it mean when he texts me first?

Well Doctor Bryenn is here to clear up the confusion. What I am going to reveal, though probably against bro code, are the top 10 ‘symptoms’ you’ll experience when you’re just a booty call. Watch out for these 10 signals that men initiate if it’s lust and not love. Let’s begin.

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He’ll want minimal interaction and will usually do this by providing a distraction to avoid constant communication with you.

For example, it’s you and him at his place “watching” a movie (hint: it’s not the movie he’s interested in). Before you know it you’re snuggled up in a blanket with all your clothes missing and your hair frazzled. Oops.

That wasn’t part of the movie. But you satisfied the reason he called you over there in the first place.

2) He never introduces you to his guy friends or family. This one is important because if you matter to him then he’ll want to show you off. And he will want to spend a lot of time with you --- not just in the sheets.

3) He never shows you off to his friends that are girls. This is a huge deal. He’s letting them know that he’s marked territory now and, in doing so, is burning any booty call bridge he had or could have had.

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4) He never talks about the future with you or never wants to talk about the terms of your relationship.

Sorry, hun, there is no future with you other than the next time he gets drunk and can’t find another girl to take home. You’re most likely plan B because of how available you’ve made yourself to him.

5) Common excuses used to avoid your questions about your future together include: “I’m not sure what I’m doing with my life right now,” “I just got out of a long relationship,” “Aren’t you having fun though?” “Why do we have to make this complicated?,” “I’m too busy to have a girlfriend right now,” or “Can we talk about this later?”

6) He texts you at irregular times; for example, he sends you a 2 a.m. “What’s up?” text. This isn’t because he’s concerned about what or how you’re doing; it’s a test to see if you’re up. When you reply is when he’ll initiate the booty call attempt.

7) He doesn’t text you during the weekdays to see how you’re doing or create general conversation with you. Most of the time he won’t respond if you text him and then he’ll come up with some bullshit excuse later. Keep an eye out for the short answers as well.

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8) He never takes you on a date. Why would he? He gets exactly what he wants out of you without having to indirectly pay for it.

9) He hardly ever, if at all, kisses you --- this is a sign of affection, not lust.

10) He doesn’t cuddle, especially after sex --- again another form of affection that requires the guy to spend time after he’s satisfied, which is very unlikely if he’s using you.

I would say if you’re hooking up with a guy and you can relate to at least three of these signs, then he just sees you as a booty call and it’s time you take appropriate action (this is unless you like being used.)

So ladies, toughen up your defense now that you know the plays and you’ll never be labeled a booty call girl again. Bryenn Lopez-Brierwirth

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Player On The Field: The True Professional This guy is also trying to get into your pants, but you will never suspect it.

In summary, this guy will temporarily walk the walk for you to believe that he is extremely interested in you. He is a sprint player; he comes at you hard and fast with everything he has to completely mislead you into believing he is your dream guy.

But, the True Professional does not have the ability or interest in keeping up the pace of being Mr. Wonderful.

He is a chameleon who can become anyone for a short period of time just to get you into bed.

Rule #1: Do not take anything this man says to heart. Remember he has said the same things to every girl before you.

He uses words as crutches, weapons, and manipulation techniques to get you into bed.

Rule #2: There is absolutely no future with this guy. If you have to see him to pass time, which is a mistake anyway, live in the moment and take all the material things he has to offer, such as great dinners and mini vacations, with a grain of salt.

Rule #3: Please be sure that you are careful with this guy. He is seeing multiple women along with you. If you decide to sleep with him, you should take the necessary precautions.

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10 Ways To Spot A Player James Michael Sama / May 15, 2014

I’ve been floating around to different blogs tagged with ‘dating’ and ‘relationships’ to see what’s going on in the world.

Unfortunately, I’ve seen a lot of hurt and disappointment that could’ve been avoided, had warning signs been recognized.

Too many women get used and hurt by men who are playing with their feelings in order to get what they want, but in reality actually have no intention of commitment or building a relationship together.

Do some women do this too? Sure, but in a more “traditional” sense, men are more notorious for saying all the right things they don’t really mean in order to get what they want --- so that’s who we’ll focus on here.

A player makes generalized statements in your direction rather than talking about you.

In other words, could his compliments be copy and pasted into his texts to another girl, or is he talking about something specific to you?

Unfortunately, in today’s society, there needs to be a conversation about commitment had before it can be assumed that either partner is actually committed and not talking to anyone else.

If a man is vague in his discussion and doesn’t dive into what makes you tick, what your passions are, and what you want out of life, you have to honestly ask yourself how interested he truly is.

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A player tells you things like you’re “too

Beautiful/hot/sexy/smoldering/intoxicating/etc …” to be single.

This overused ‘compliment’ not only undermines your personality by suggesting the only reason you’d be with someone is because of your looks --- but it also shows you that’s what he’s clearly focusing on.

When looking to build a relationship with someone, it goes without saying that their valuing your substance and you as a person is essential to making it work.

If every conversation is about physicality, you know where his attention is focused.

A player spends more time talking about himself than trying to get to know you.

A player is usually insecure and tries to show himself they can get the girl --- so learning about you is secondary. To them, the dating “game” is just that --- a game they can play in order to win … that’s why they’re called players.

A man who is truly interested in you will take the time to converse with you and relate to you during your discussions, not keep all of the attention on himself to convince you how great he is.

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A player passively invites you places.

This is to say, his attempts to spend time with you are weak, at best.

Not only might he always be “too busy” or delay getting together (probably because he’s with another woman), but if his only invitation to you is a Friday night text asking if you want to get a drink, he may have had plans fall through and isn’t showing you the proper amount of effort to actually plan a night around you and your interests.

You deserve better than being a backup plan.

A player gets upset if you won’t spend the night.

Don’t get me wrong --- no single man will turn down physical advances from a woman he is attracted to, but if he is truly interested in building a relationship, that certainly won’t be his only focus.

A player remembers nothing about your conversations.

Some guys, myself included, have less-than-perfect memories. It’s not that we don’t listen; it’s just that sometimes we genuinely can’t remember smaller details about things.

That being said, though, if we are with a woman we truly care about, we will put in the energy and effort to keep track of things.

Small things like asking how your grandmother’s cold is, or not your first date --- but the date you met.

If you feel like the man you’re talking to could just insert any other woman’s name into the things he says to you and your topics of conversation, you’re probably being played.

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Unless he’s trying to see you, a player never talks to you.

This one is a big Red Flag.

Is he talkative, romantic and friendly as the weekend is approaching or when he’s asking you to spend time together, but seems distant and much less eager to respond to texts any other time?

Sure, he might be busy with work, but this is 20--, people are constantly attached to their phones and he will find time to text you back if he really wants to.

A player still goes to the same places he was going before he met you.

No, I am not saying that a man should squander his social life when he starts dating someone. In fact, I think it’s just the opposite.

When two people come together, they should enhance each others’ lives. Groups of friends join together, new connections are formed, and experiences are enhanced.

But, certain habits do stop. Habits such as going to clubs multiple times a week with all of his single friends, or whatever the case might be depending on his personality.

The bottom line is --- if he’s still going to the same places he went to meet women before he met you, it’s a Red Flag.

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A player talks one way, and acts another.

A man (or anyone) can talk a certain way, and then act another way.

Words are nice, but they are always drowned out by actions.

Early on in a relationship, watch what someone does more than what they say.

Words can be dishonest, but actions can’t.

A player avoids PDA like the plague.

It goes without saying that some people aren’t comfortable with public displays of affection, this is totally natural.

But one thing to pay attention to is whether or not it looks like he’s trying to still appear single even when he’s with you.

Does he want people to think you’re his sister?

His cousin?

Does he want the cute waitress to think he’s just out to dinner with a work colleague?

If he is proud to be with you, which he should be, you will know it.

If he’s not, you’ll always be wondering if he is.

The real key here is to be honest with yourself. A woman’s intuition is a powerful force and yet so many choose to ignore it.

Don’t let yourself get played because you refused to see the signs you know you saw.

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How Hard Do You Try To Please Others? Each personality type has its strengths and weaknesses. Get a picture of how you interact with people.

From little white lies to big whoppers, almost everyone fibs on occasion.

1. If you put off returning a phone call, your excuse is:

A) Sorry I didn’t call back sooner …

B) I shift the blame: I never received your message.

2. A close friend asks to borrow your lucky sweater. Your reply?

A) OK, but be very careful; it means a lot to me.

B) Let me loan you another one that’s just as nice.

3. A customer cuts in front of you at a store. How do you handle the situation?

A) Avoid a confrontation by ignoring the rude move

B) Tell the person that you were first

4. Your partner asks how he/she looks in a new outfit. You think it reveals a few extra pounds. What would you say?

A) You look good, but it’s not as becoming as other styles you wear

B) That outfit is not flattering

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Description: 21st century street smart survival skills. Basic 101 Are you a throwback? Or a keeper?

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Sexism And The Single Suspect: Short Path From Siren To Slut May 11, 2013 The Blade

“Sex game gone wrong,” “sex game gone awry,” “sex mad flat mate,” “sex crazed killer.”

That’s from just the first three minutes of an ABC News special on Amanda Knox last week, a veritable drumbeat of sexual shaming that leaves no doubt about what elevated a college student accused of murder into an object of international fascination, titillation, and scorn.

It wasn’t the crime itself. It was the supposed conspiracy of her libido, cast as proof that she was out of control, up to no good, lost, wicked, and dangerous. A girl this intent on random fun was a girl who couldn’t be trusted and got what was coming to her, even if it was prison. And even if there was plenty of reason --- as the eventual reversal of her initial conviction made clear --- to believe that she might not belong there.

“Knox knew, it seemed, no boundaries, leaving a vibrator in a transparent wash bag and enjoying one night stands,” wrote Tobias Jones in a 2011 article in the British newspaper The Observer.

One night stands? How could she? Of course, if a guy has one of those, it’s a triumph: all the pleasure, none of the commitment. And boys, after all, will be boys.

We’ll never know precisely what happened on that night in Perugia, Italy, in 2007 when Meredith Kercher, 21, was killed. Ms. Knox, her housemate, was found guilty, then acquitted, and will soon, despite the flawed case against her, face another trial. The Italian judicial system works about as smoothly as the Italian government.

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We do know this, though: The double standard concerning men’s versus women’s sexuality not only survives but thrives, manifest in the enduring notoriety of “Foxy Knoxy,” whose memoir was published on the same day that the ABC News special aired.

Keep the rest of her story the same, but make her a man in the midst of erotic escapades abroad. Are we still gawking? Is ABC trumpeting its exclusive sit down with the lascivious pilgrim?

Similar questions can be asked about Jodi Arias, 32, who was found guilty of first degree murder in Arizona this week in the death of her ex-boyfriend. The Arias case hasn’t made quite the leap from the tabloids into the mainstream that Ms. Knox’s did. But HLN, the cable network on which Nancy Grace fulminates, has enjoyed a ratings bonanza with its saturation coverage of the courtroom proceedings.

Ms. Arias has admitted to stabbing, shooting, and slashing the throat of a former lover: an act of self defense, she unpersuasively claims. And while his death was certainly grisly enough to explain a baseline of media interest, the amount of attention it has received stems from the courtroom juxtaposition of the defendant, outfitted in nerdy eyeglasses and a frumpy hairstyle, and evidence of what a steamy, pliable playmate she was.

Ms. Knox and Ms. Arias aren’t just women accused of murder. They’re minxes accused of murder, sitting in their courtroom seats with scarlet letters emblazoned on their chests, no jury needed to pronounce them guilty of wantonness at the very least.

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For men, lust is a tripwire. For women, it’s a noose.

I’ve heard quite a bit lately about David Petraeus’ road to redemption. I’ve heard less about Paula Broadwell’s. Yes, he’s the more public figure, but the disparity also reflects the way their affair was often portrayed in the first place. He strayed; she preyed. He was weak; she was wily. He was the fly, she the spider.

Let’s bring another recent news story into this. Had a Southern governor named Marcia Sanford been entangled with a Latin lover when she was reputedly hiking the Appalachian Trial, would she have been elected to Congress this week? We know the answer.

Men get passes, women get reputations, and lasting humiliation travels only one way. The size and scope of that mortification, despite many decades of happy talk about dawning gender equality, are suggested by recent news stories of one teenage girl in California and another in Nova Scotia who hanged themselves after tales or cell phone pictures of their sexual violation circulated among peers.

It’s impossible not to wonder whether shame drove them to suicide. It’s impossible not to ask what sort of world allows the victims of such assaults to feel more irredeemably branded --- more eternally damned --- than their accused assailants by all appearances do. I’ll tell you what sort: a world in which there’s a cornucopia of synonyms for “whore” and “slut” and no comparably pejorative vocabulary for promiscuous or sexually rapacious men.

A world in which Ms. Knox’s vibrator and the lingerie she was said to have bought in a Perugia store were presented not just as a newsworthy but as germane to the charge of murder against her: Referenda on her character, clues to precisely how a good girl went bad.

When we chart and lament the persistence of sexism in society, we look to Congress, where women are still woefully underrepresented. We look to corporate boardrooms, where the glass ceiling hasn’t really shattered.

But we needn’t look any further than how perversely censorious of women’s sex lives we remain, and how short the path from siren to slut and from angel to she- devil can be. Frank Bruni (New York Times columnist)

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Single In The Glass City: The Deed July 2012 Toledo City Paper

There’s a critical moment that will sometimes occur during a first date. It’s subtle, but if you’re attuned to the proper vibrations, you’ll pick it up instantly. It’s that unexpected, but not unwelcome point when you realize, I can sleep with this person tonight.

Suddenly, every trite, flirtatious toss off has a deeper, double meaning.

Every rapturous moan elicited by a particularly delicious bite of food takes on an element of foreshadowing.

Every stolen glimpse at a bra strap becomes a promise of things to come.

In the words of the philosopher knight Sir Mix A Lot, it is on. Perhaps until the break of dawn.

The rest of the night passes in a blur of intense, fumbling chaos. Clothes are strewn aside with reckless abandon. Bare flesh meets bare flesh. Things are said that you didn’t even know you had the capacity to think, yet alone utter to someone who’s seeing you naked. Social conventions are done away with in favor a primal need to Get The Deed Done.

It’s here, though, in the breathless aftermath, where a crucial juncture is reached. A split literally occurs in the space time continuum, a la Doc Brown’s In Back To The Future 11.

If it was a quality hookup, the morning sun is brighter, birdsongs are symphonic, and *&^% if you don’t look better in your sullied clothes than you did the night before. If sexy time was less than stellar, however, the day is clouded over by the specter of the night’s activities.

The mind races. Am I a whore? Are they? Where are my morals? Where are my underpants? Not since Sophie’s has a choice been so monumental. To one side, booty of the highest order. To the other, dissatisfaction fouler than the roiling waters of the Maumee. Choose wisely. Ryan Vasko

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Dear Abby: When my boyfriend takes me out to dinner, he always expects sex afterward.

I am OK with it because he’s a nice guy. But he never says “Thank You” when we’re done.

Other than his manners, he’s great and I’m happy we’re together. Am I being petty and overly sensitive? My first husband never thanked me either or appreciated me, so I guess it’s a sore spot.

How should I approach this without jeopardizing everything else? Hesitant To Speak Up

Dear Hesitant: Sex is not supposed to be “payment” because someone picks up a dinner check. If that’s what is happening with you and your boyfriend, it is being approached with the wrong attitude.

A person is not expected to thank a partner for having sex, unless the sex was unusually spectacular.

Because you feel otherwise, tell your boyfriend what your needs are --- and if he agrees to Thank You, return the compliment by thanking HIM.www.dearabby.com

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Book: Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man By: Steve Harvey

You have got to prove yourself to get the good stuff, the extras, and the benefits.

So if Ford and the government won’t give a man benefits until he’s been on the job and proven himself, why ladies, are you passing out benefits to men before they’ve proven themselves worthy?

Come on now, you know what the ‘benefits’ are. I’m not talking about being nice to him, or helping him pick out an outfit, or bringing him around your mother. Those are things that happen during the course of a budding relationship --- you do special things for each other because you care.

By ‘benefits’ in case you haven’t figured it out, I’m talking about sex.

And if you’re giving your benefits to a guy who’s only been on the job for a week or two, you’re making a grave mistake.

You don’t know this man --- not much about him, anyway. He doesn’t know you. He hasn’t proven himself. And he could walk off the job at any time.

And you’ll have no one but yourself to blame.

Think about it: the first guy you slept with quicker than ninety days --- where is he? I’m willing to bet that you’re probably not with him.

True, there are some people out there somewhere who had sex early in the relationship and are still together to this very day, but that’s rare.

More likely than not, a guy who gets ‘benefits’ early in a relationship, without having to put in work or prove himself, leaves and moves on to a committed relationship with a woman who puts him through some type of probationary period to find out more about him.

I’m sure that woman laid out the rules --- the requirements --- early on, and let her intended know that he could either rise up to those requirements, or just move on.

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FeistyWoman says December 6, 2010 at 5:36 pm

This list is a reminder as to why people need a healthy dose of self-respect.

I’ve been down this road a couple of times and as soon as it starts to feel too bad to feel good, we ought to know that it isn’t going to work out.

The sexual aspect is the biggest uncomfortable line that we cross. Once you give yourself to a man who treats you like everything on this list, you’ve pretty much effed yourself.

People need to wait on sex, especially women, before they decide to make an emotional investment.

If the guy truly likes you, he’ll gladly wait without any pressure. And he’ll wait without doing all the other things on this list.

People should inherently know these things but they don’t and it’s very sad.

Book: Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man By: Steve Harvey Question: How does he react when he’s told no?

Mr. Harvey: Let’s just get right to the crux of this whole chapter: when a man asks for sex, and he is told no, his reaction to that no will tell you everything you need to know about him.

If the phone calls cease or become infrequent, the flowers stop coming, the dating slows down, please understand that this man was just in it for the sex.

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Book: The Boyfriend Test By: Wendy L. Walsh Does he give you grief over a simple hug or goodnight peck?

This is an old fashioned rule, but has stood the test of time

You are in charge of the pace of physical contact.

Don’t ever accept those advances on a first date.

If you think for one minute that you are in a trusting bond with a man after a few hours together, you are being completely disillusioned.

Trading sex for intimacy just doesn’t work.

And after interviewing many, many girlfriends, I can confidently say that first date sex rarely helps a relationship sustain itself. More often it shortens it.

Why sign on the line before you’ve even seen the details of the contract?

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No Rush To Tell Boyfriend Of Moral Standards

Dear Annie: I’m 18 years old and a virgin in every sense of the word. I’ve dated and kissed guys, but that’s as far as it’s ever gone. I have no desire to be sexually active, because I vowed years ago to save myself for the man I marry.

I recently started seeing a really nice guy who is a year older than I am. I haven’t told him that I’m a virgin, because if I do, I also have to tell him that I don’t plan on sleeping with him unless it’s our wedding night. I’m not ready to get married, but I don’t want to drive him away.

Also, I don’t want him to see me as some sort of conquest. I know if he cares about me, he will understand my desire to remain chaste. But I’ve already been dumped for sticking to my morals, and I don’t want to lose this guy. Should I tell him? Or should I wait until things get more serious? Chaste At U Of I

Dear Chaste: There’s no reason to tell him now. As you well know, any guy who would dump you because you won’t sleep with him isn’t the right guy for you. Get to know him better, and allow him the opportunity to learn what a great person you are before throwing sex into the mix.

As the relationship progresses, it will be more natural for you to tell him that you are saving yourself for marriage. We hope he respects your decision and sticks around. [email protected]

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Police Blotter: Fremont Police 4: 34 p.m. 1300 block Cherry Street Monday July 8

Girl broke boyfriend's cell phone in half, said he was mad because she wouldn't give him sex.

Buckeyes In Court July 19, 2014 Buckeyes Behind Bars

Lofton John Lee (Domestic Violence) According to public records, the victim stated to officers that the defendant pushed her off the front porch of their home and spit in her face because she would not have sex with him.

Police Blotter: Perkins Police 10: 46 p.m. 5500 block Milan Road Thursday April 21

Report of physical altercation in lot. Woman said man wouldn’t let her leave car after she refused sex.

Police Blotter: Sandusky Police 10 p.m. 1500 block Buchanan Street Friday April 15

Drunken woman said she was with drunken man when five men tried to rob him; she said she pretended to have a gun and they left area. She said man then asked for sex, and when she declined, man punched her.

Woman Dragged By Car Testifies About Ordeal November 17, 2000 San Francisco Chronicle

Dragged 17 blocks after she refused to have sex with an acquaintance, she had been smoking crack with.

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Impropriety Deserves A Stern Response

Dear Miss Manners: I have a male acquaintance who has tried to get me into private and intimate situations, despite my saying “no” many, many, times.

I constantly hear stories from my female friends about men continuing to throw themselves at them; no matter how many times these ladies say they are not interested.

In these cases, the young men are not asking us out on dates; they are asking us to engage in casual sex. I do not think they are trying to sexually harass us, although we do feel harassed.

These men are simply used to young women being willing to engage in casual sexual encounters with them. However, my close friends and I are ladies of propriety and do not desire these advances. In my own experience, when I have responded with a polite “No, Thank You,” the young man chuckles indulgently.

I believe he thinks I am playing hard to get and want to be pursued with more determination. He genuinely does not understand that I am not playing a game.

I simply do not desire his amorous advances. When an increasingly stern “No, Thank You” is not working, what is a young lady to say that will stop his undesired attention?

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Gentle Reader: “No, Thank You” is the proper response for declining a cup of tea or some other gracious or benevolent offer. It is not the proper response to a lewd proposition. Even to Miss Manners’ sympathetic ears, it sounds as if you are grateful to have been asked. The proper response is, “How dare you!”

Now stop giggling. The reason this amuses you is that you don’t blame those who ask because their propositions are sometimes accepted.

In that case, you should not be insulted, as perhaps you are not. You complain only of the repetition, as if this is equivalent to the annoyance of a host who keeps pressuring you to take a cookie after you have declined.

Miss Manners suggests that you pay more attention to your feelings of being sexually harassed.

Consider whether the assumption that you, who consider yourself a lady of propriety, will engage in sex with anyone who asks --- to the extent that your refusals could not possibly be serious --- constitutes an insult.

Then respond to it as an insult.www.missmanners.com

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Ask Dr. Barbara Book: 100 Questions About Love & Relationships By: Dr. Barbara DeAngelis

Question: When is the right time to start being sexually intimate with a new partner?

I just met someone I really like, and we’ve been going out for a few weeks. We seem to be getting really close really fast, and there’s a very strong physical attraction between us. When is the right time for us to make love?

I don’t want to rush things, but I don’t want to lose this person either.

Dr. Barbara: Stop --- slow down --- you hardly know this person. You may be a victim of “lust blindness” --- in love with the feeling of passion, and not necessarily the person. You might simply have the hot’s for him or her.

Then again, this may be the soul mate you’ve always been looking for. So --- how can you tell which one? How can you be sure you’re not jumping into something that is all wrong?

YOU WAIT --- YOU WATCH --- AND YOU POSTPONE HAVING SEX UNTIL YOU CAN’T STAND IT ANY LONGER --- AND THEN YOU POSTPONE IT AGAIN.

One of the most common and most deadly mistakes many of us make in relationships is “premature intimacy” (See Question 33) several things happen when you have sex too soon in a relationship.

First your judgment of your partner’s character becomes blinded for a while, since you are sexually intoxicated. It will be very difficult for you to be objective about the new relationship for months after you have sex.

You’re swept away by the lust, and perhaps only later do you see the warning signs of trouble you should have paid attention to in the beginning.

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Second, you are mixing someone else’s energy with yours without really checking him or her out first. Sex is an intense sharing of minds, body, and spirit, whether you experience it that way or not. You are merging your energies with those of another person.

Do you want to spiritually and psychically merge with just anyone? I didn’t think so.

Third, becoming sexually intimate with someone has become a much more serious and possibly deadly undertaking in the past few decades than it used to be in the pre AIDS era. There is no 100 percent risk free sex, so you’d better be sure about your partner in every way possible.

Here are my guidelines for deciding when it’s right to become sexual with someone.

You should be intellectually and emotionally intimate before you are sexually intimate.

You should spend at least twice as much time talking and learning about one another as you do necking or fooling around.

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You should like the person. I have a saying: DON’T SLEEP WITH SOMEONE YOU DON’T WANT TO BECOME LIKE.

You should respect the person and his or her values.

You should have gone through some difficult times together (one of you was sick, family crisis, job stress) --- and seen how your partner operates under stress and how he or she treats you when you are under stress.

You should have discussed birth control, sexually transmitted diseases such as Herpes, and AIDS, and know as much as possible about your partner’s sexual history.

You should have agreed on what form of birth control and safe sex you are going to use.

If you haven’t been tested for the AIDS virus, you should do so immediately, and insist that your partner do the same.

If you are a woman, you should ask yourself: Would I want to have this man’s children? AND would I want a son like this man?

These questions serve two purposes: first, they remind you that pregnancy is always a possibility, and will ensure that you are careful about birth control;

Second, it will help you to be sure that you are ready to become sexually intimate with this man. Whether you actually want children or not, if you don’t like this man enough to want children that carry his genes, characteristics, and personality, then what are you doing sleeping with this guy?!

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Am I ready and willing to support a child if this woman became pregnant?

If you are a man, you should ask yourself: Would I want this woman to be the mother of my children? And would I want a daughter just like this woman?

Am I ready and willing to support a child if this woman became pregnant? Now you may be thinking that I’ve taken all the fun out of sex.

My answer is: What’s fun about getting your heart broken because it turns out the person you slept with is seeing someone else?

What’s fun about lying in bed at night next to someone you just made love with you feeling alone?

What’s fun about having been sexually vulnerable with someone only to find out that they lost interest after they got you in bed?

What’s fun about an unwanted pregnancy?

What’s fun about finding out your partner gave you Herpes or HIV?

Making love can be one of the most beautiful and healing experiences in the world when you experience it with the right person at the right time, but I’ve seen it cause tremendous pain, humiliation, and heartache for people who experience it with the wrong person at the wrong time.

Having sex with someone out of the fear of losing him or her is always a mistake. If this person is right for you, he or she will understand and honor your wishes and values.

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Book: Tell Me All About It By: Jeffrey Zaslow

Dear Zazz: A woman called our hot line and angrily announced: “I caught my husband with another woman. He admits she had been seeing her, but says he shouldn’t be considered a cheater because there wasn’t sexual intercourse.

Am I crazy or old fashioned? Or do I have a right to feel betrayed?

I replied: “I’d hate to play poker with your husband. I’d catch him with cards up his sleeve, and he would deny he was cheating because his hands weren’t in my pocket.”

“If your husband wants reconciliation, insist that he confess, ask forgiveness, promise to be a good boy --- and broaden his definition of cheating.”

Sex Defined Remember when President Bill Clinton uttered his infamous declaration? “I did not have sexual relations with that woman” --- even though they had oral sex? His careful wording may have triggered a turning point in society’s definition of the phrase “sexual relations” a new study shows --- a shift so marked it has been dubbed the “Clinton-Lewinsky” effect.

In a recent study that surveyed 447 undergraduate college students, about 80% agreed penile vaginal intercourse is “sex.” But fewer than 20% thought that oral genital contact counted as “having sex.” That’s 50% lower than in 1991, when 40% of all students surveyed categorized oral sex as “sex.”

The authors of the study suggest that a recent surge in abstinence only education and sex education programs that focus primarily on vaginal penile intercourse also may play a role in the de-sexualizing of “oral sex.” They also note that the trend is worrisome, because while young people may think oral sex is less likely than intercourse, oral genital contact can lead to STD’s, including HIV, herpes, syphilis, gonorrhea, and human papilloma virus, which has been linked to cervical cancer.

The researchers encourage sex educators to increase awareness about oral sex and how it can lead to the spread of STD’s.

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Health Body Talk: You’re Single And Dating

You need to be prepared for all romantic possibilities. On the other hand, you may not want to expend too much effort and expense on contraception if you’re just dating.

Your best choice: “For spontaneity, it’s best to use a contraceptive that’s highly effective with minimum advance planning,” says Beth Jordan MD., Medical Director of the Association Of Reproductive Health Professionals.

If you’re having sex infrequently, you might not want the hassle of taking a pill every day. An IUD is much less trouble. The copper T type has no hormones and works for up to 12 years; the progestin IUD needs replacement every five.

An IUD is also a good choice if you’re having sex regularly because it has one of the lowest failure rates (less than 1 percent) and, like the pill, won’t affect your future fertility. Or get as much protection as you do from the pill by using the vaginal ring (insert a new one each month) or the patch (apply weekly for three weeks, and then take a break the fourth week).

What to avoid: Having sex without a condom, since condoms are the only way to protect yourself against sexually transmitted diseases. But use them with another method --- the failure rate can be as high as 15 percent.

Talk to your doctor if --- you prefer a barrier method.

The sponge is back on the market and is convenient but may have as high as a 32 percent failure rate.

A diaphragm is a good option but it still has a 16 percent failure rate.

Special consideration: The copper T IUD can make your period heavier; methods with estrogen (pill, ring, and patch) may increase the risk of blood clots.

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Should Couples Split The Check For Birth Control?

Dear Amy: I am in a long term relationship, and my partner and I are beginning to discuss birth control options (in particular, the pill). Should I ask my partner to help me pay for birth control?

I feel it should be our combined responsibility, as it benefits us both. But how do I handle the situation if he should refuse to split the cost with me? I’ve received many different perspectives on this issue, and would like to hear yours.

Thank You so much. Conflicted

Dear Conflicted: Your partner should share in your birth control decisions, and he should also share in the cost. Regardless of who pays for it, birth control (like birth) ultimately confers a disproportionate burden on a woman --- you have to remember to use birth control and you also tolerate the physical side effects of whatever method you use.

Your partner should do his best to share this responsibility, out of respect to you and the mutual choice you are making not to get pregnant.

If you were not in a committed and exclusive relationship (i.e. if you had multiple partners), then you would take sole responsibility for your birth control choices (as well as the cost).

Acting like true partners regarding this very intimate and important question can enhance your overall relationship. If your guy refuses to share the cost with you, then you should probably find another guy. [email protected]

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It’s Easy To Learn Your HIV Status July 8, 2014 The Toledo Journal

Do you know your HIV status?

Do you know the HIV status of your intimate partner (s)?

Do all of your family members, loved ones and friends know their HIV status?

There is no reason to reply “no” to any of the above questions because it has never been easier or more important to know where you stand. Phil Wilson

90 Years Of The ENQUIRER October 10, 2016 The ENQUIRER

2015 An 18 month investigation by The ENQUIRER’s network of reporters revealed the sordid secret life of party animal Charlie Sheen, who lied about his HIV diagnosis for years --- while continuing to have unprotected sex with men, women and transsexuals!

Book: He’s Just Not That Into You By: Greg Behrendt & Liz Tuccillo

From this moment on, right now, as you read this, make this solemn vow about your future romantic relationships: no more murky, no more gray, no more unidentified, and no more undeclared.

If possible, try to know someone as best you can before you get naked with him or her.

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Your Guide To Living Healthy In Your 20’s Book: Living Well Despite Catching Hell By: Melody T. McCloud August 2012 Essence

Sexual matters Young people ages 15 to 24 represent a quarter of Americans having sex, but account for almost half of new STD cases. And the Centers For Disease Control And Prevention estimates Black girls and women ages 15 to 24 have the highest rates of Chlamydia.

Genital human papillomavirus, or HPV, is the most common STD --- striking at least half of all sexually active people. Low risk strains of the virus can cause genital warts, while high risk strains can lead to cervical cancer.

A recent University Of South Carolina study found that college age Black women are not only more likely to test positive for the high risk HPV strain, but it also takes longer for their bodies to clear the infection.

As a result, say researchers, African American women are 40 percent more likely to develop cervical cancer and two times more likely to die from the disease than White women. Not to mention that these and other STD’s can increase the risk of other STD’s can increase the risk of HIV infection, the sixth leading cause of death for young Black women ages 20 to 24.

Protecting yourself is easy: Always use a condom and practice safe sex every time. “If a guy is going to leave because you’re trying to protect yourself and your health, then he can keep stepping because that shows he’s not concerned about you, just what you can do for him,” advises McCloud. Mavis Baah

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It’s Complicated August 2012 Essence

“sup” That’s what Derrick’s text said, trying to test the waters with my girl Jocelyn.* they had been unofficially dating --- regular contact, steady sex --- for more than a year. She had ended things three weeks before, tired of living in the gray zone. “Not only does he not step up or pick up the phone to call, but he can’t even cap the s?” said an exasperated Jocelyn as we caught up one night.

Welcome to the dating scene for young Black women, where childhoods filled with Disney movies and divorce have left us ill prepared for an adulthood marked by casual sex, a treacherous dating pool and the explosion of social media now shaping our personal lives.

Casual connections Forty years after the sexual revolution, hooking up and friends with benefits aren’t just phrases; they’re a way of life. Along with the rise of sex before marriage, sex before a relationship or third date is the new norm.

Even if society has become more accepting of sex without a commitment, that doesn’t mean we’re all emotionally prepared for a freewheeling lifestyle. Unplanned pregnancy and STD’s are the things they told us about in sex ed.

The bruised egos and hurt feelings are something we’re learning about the hard way, on our own. “Casual sex usually ends in a casualty,” shares Amber English, 27, in Atlanta. “I can’t think of one time that a casual hookup has been just that. Somebody falls hard and it’s not even always the women.”

In college, “no strings” scenarios may have been the norm, but now that some of us have left campus life, many of us are eager to graduate to a serious relationship. Instead we find ourselves, like, my girl Jocelyn, in “situation ships” --- an almost relationship with regular interaction but no definition or commitment.

“The dating lives of young Black women have become more complicated and not complex enough at the same time,” says Tamara M.B. Williams, Psy.D., a professor of psychology at Hampton University. “They love the idea of having someone, but not necessarily of holding out for the right someone.” The maintenance man of the 90’s has morphed into the stand in steady of today. Charreah K. Jackson *(name change)

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Advertisement: February 2014 Essence Do you LOVE him more than you LOVE you?

Sometimes living a life of self love requires you to have tough conversations about safer sex. Having this conversation and inquiring about his status shows him that you not only care about him but that you also care about yourself and live by a standard. He will respect you if you show him you respect yourself.

Consider these tips before taking the next step in your relationship: Have the conversation before you get intimate. When the lights are dim is not the ideal time to ask about STI’s or inquire about his HIV status.

Engage in a conversation when you are first getting to know one another. If he cannot have this talk with you, then he is not really relationship material.

Be clear on what type of relationship you are in before you get intimate. According to the American Journal Of Public Health, concurrent relationships contribute to high rate of STI’s among black women. Therefore, you should establish if you are monogamous before you get intimate.

Know your status. OraQuick (www.oraquick.com) is dedicated to providing you with a way to know your HIV results in the comfort and privacy of your home in 20 minutes, using the same test healthcare professionals have used over a decade.

We know that having trusted and accurate information is essential, especially when it comes to your personal health and well being. Knowledge of your status and your partner’s gives you power to make choices that are best for you and prepare you to enjoy your moment. www.whatsworthknowing.com/women

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Culture: Discuss … Your Water Cooler Crib Sheet January 2012 Ebony

A Dubious Date: World Aids Day is December 1st. Give yourself a birthday gift: Get tested

Medical Test Timeline August 2012 Essence

Test: HIV test When to get it: At least once, but at least once a year if you engage in activities that can transmit HIV.

A Different View Of Sherri Shepherd A Jamie Foster Brown Interview

Ms. Shepherd: He was very upfront with me. Sal sent me a card and he said it was just so wonderful getting to know you. You know what was inside that card?

Ms. Foster-Brown: What?

Ms. Shepherd: It was a folded up piece of paper. An AIDS test.

Ms. Foster-Brown: He did?

Ms. Shepherd: It was his AIDS results.

He was like, “because I want you to know, going in this, that I’m healthy.”

I really had never gotten that before. I was like, “does that mean he likes me?

But I really appreciated that.

Ms. Foster-Brown: But you had been having sex with him during that time?

Ms. Shepherd: No. We had been dating maybe for three or four months.

I still have it --- the results of his HIV test.

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7 Pleasures Not To Feel Guilty About August 2011 Redbook

Doll yourself up with MAC’s Viva Glam lipstick --- one tube will supply a woman living with HIV in Africa with a month of free public transportation, to travel to and from her doctor’s visits, through the MAC AIDS Fund.

Order at www.maccosmetics.com/vivaglam $14.50 Jihan Thompson

Reunited Couple Argues Over Taking HIV Tests

Dear Deanna! My fiancé and I parted ways earlier this year. After separation, we realized we wanted to be together and started the relationship again.

I stayed faithful and wasn't with anyone but he had several intimate flings. I'm having second thoughts because he refuses to have an HIV test with me.

He claims that I know his habits since we were together so long. I agree, but he was the one sleeping around. Am I wrong to refuse this relationship because of the HIV testing? Anonymous Dallas, Texas

Dear Anonymous: You have a responsibility to take care of yourself first. There's not that much love in the world to make you forsake your sexual health.

You're entitled to refuse taking the relationship further if his sexual activity during the breakup bothers you. If he takes something as serious as an HIV so light, you need to think how he would handle major issues in the marriage.

Set a deadline, stay firm in your request and if he doesn't comply, move on to other things until he agrees to test. [email protected]

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Book: Legal Q & A By: Reader’s Digest

Question: Can a person with AIDS be prosecuted for knowingly infecting another person with the disease?

Answer: Yes. Although the law in this area is not well established, there have been cases where criminal charges have been brought against a person who knew he had AIDS and didn’t reveal this fact to his sexual partner.

Woman Who Is HIV Positive Is Hiding Her Status From Men

Dear Abby: I moved away from my hometown 18 years ago. At the time, a friend of mine had found out she was HIV positive. Thankfully, health wise she’s doing well. To look at her you would never know. We have reconnected, but I have recently learned that she had several relationships in the past and she didn’t reveal that she was HIV positive or use protection. She says she “loves” these men, their families and their children. It makes me sick that she’s killing them.

Someone called her doctor and he talked to her about it, but she lied and said that she had told them. These men have no idea! What can be done so she quits spreading this disease? She’s Killing Them In Indiana

Dear S.K.T.: I ran your letter by an old and trusted friend, Dr. Mervyn Silverman, former director of health in San Francisco. He asked me to reassure you that if your friend has been under treatment for HIV, her chances of passing it on are far less than they were years ago.

He also mentioned that if these men’s wives had contracted HIV from their husbands and become pregnant, that their disease would very likely have been discovered. You need to talk to your friend and explain that this is both a health issue and one of morality.

If she’s continuing to have unprotected sex with her partners, there is still some potential risk that she could pass along the virus. So if she truly loves anyone but herself, she will get with the program and be honest about her health status. www.dearabby.com

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Love Sick: A woman battles the ultimate betrayal, but triumphs through faith Book: Faith Under Fire: Betrayed By A Thing Called Love By: LaJoyce Brookshire

Falling in love happened quite suddenly. It was January 1990 I was a part-time speech teacher. I had left class to make copies when I glanced into the studio and saw the tallest, finest honey dipped man I had ever laid eyes on. I ran to the director’s office to inquire about the eye candy.

He said, “That’s Steven, he’s a really nice guy.” I was quickly introduced to the honey dip and turned red as my blouse due to his charming demeanor.

Later that day, a deliveryman brought two dozen long stemmed roses from Steven. I phoned to thank him, and he invited me to dinner the following evening. We were engaged by May and began planning an elaborate December wedding.

In 1992, I learned that my husband had full blown AIDS during a 45 day stay in the hospital when he called a carefully orchestrated family conference and made the announcement. I was devastated!

Being the dutiful wife, I was going to stand by my man, nurse him back to good health and continue to love him.

He began to say that we could move away, and when I got sick we could care for one another. He had this convoluted vision of us running off into the sunset together and dying. I had no plans of ever getting sick.

And thankfully, God had another plan. It took four weeks for the results, but I was patient because I’m God’s girl for real. I didn’t just start praying when this showed up in my life. This was my test. Gratefully, when the results came back I was negative. Hallelujah!

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Steven said he had no idea how he contracted the disease. At first, I thought it came from his first wife, who was a drug abuser and cheated on him --- so he said. But I later found out, he didn’t get the disease from her; Steven died in 1995, and she died in 1999.

I found out before he died, he knew he had AIDS all along.

I found out after his death he was on the “down low.”

And not only did he know he had the disease, his mother knew and his doctors knew. Eleven months of dating and two years of marriage --- it’s funny that he never mentioned it.

It has taken me a decade to speak, but it is the multitudes of women contracting the disease that brought me to this juncture. This was such a low point in my life that the only place I had to look was up! Through a story like mine, I hope more women and men will be honest and share any information that can steal, kill and destroy.

Then, perhaps one less woman will go through what I endured. Perhaps one less woman has to die. I hope others will be encouraged to learn what I‘ve learned from this experience, which is to stand in your truth no matter what it is because only the truth will make you free.

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Man Killed Woman Because She Gave Him HIV August 25, 2008 Midwest Urban Briefs

In the affidavit given by the officer, the officer states Josey told him he shot Duval 23, “because the &%#! & gave him HIV.”

Hollywood police arrested Anton Josey Thursday morning and charged him with murder, possession of a firearm by a convicted felon and two traffic violations.

Book: Wake Up And Smell The Coffee By: Ann Landers

Dear Ann Landers: I am a successful executive woman. A year ago, I applied for life insurance. I was required to take an HIV antibody test (so called AIDS test). To my complete shock, it came back positive.

I am not a prostitute. I am not promiscuous. I am not and have never been an intravenous drug user. I am not a member of a minority group. I am not indigent nor am I homeless. I have not slept with a bi-sexual. I am a suburban, non smoking, non drug using, and successful American woman. I don’t fit any of the stereotypes that ignorant people have designated for those infected with the HIV virus. I got HIV from a man I am in love with and have been seeing for five years. He is not homosexual or bi-sexual. He has never used intravenous drugs.

He had no idea he was carrying the virus. He believes he may have been infected about six years ago by a woman with whom he had a brief, meaningless relationship.

We are both in excellent physical condition, and we look terrific. In my ignorance, I thought people who carried the AIDS virus looked emaciated. I now know it can take years for the HIV infection to progress to AIDS.

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Researchers are learning more about this disease every day. There are many reasons to have hope. Luckily, after seeing several doctors who knew nothing about AIDS, I found a brilliant, informed physician. He has given me hope and the will to live. I am also seeing a caring, supportive psychologist who has helped me tremendously. Until I found these educated professionals, I contemplated suicide daily for several months.

AIDS has become a party joke. People who would never kid about cancer, cerebral palsy, mental illness or tuberculosis think AIDS is fair game. They don’t realize I could be their sister, friend, co-worker, niece, daughter, or cousin.

They treat AIDS differently because it is sexually transmitted.

Please, Ann print this letter to sensitize people to the hurt they cause when they make thoughtless comments. Many of us look like everyone else. Looking For Two Miracles In New England

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Book: Wake Up And Smell The Coffee By: Ann Landers

Dear Ann Landers: I'm a 20 year old college sophomore who lives in a coed dorm with 300 other students. Last year, I met a really neat guy from another school at a party.

I made the mistake of sleeping with him on the first date.

I thought he liked me a lot and would ask me out again.

I was wrong. I'm sure he considered me a pushover.

I wish I could chalk this up to experience and forget it, but I can't. He gave me Genital Warts.

Ann, I'd never even heard of Genital Warts, but now I've become an expert.

It's one of the most common sexually transmitted diseases around. Too bad it doesn't make the headlines like AIDS, though it is highly contagious. You can use a condom and still get Genital Warts. Once you have the virus, it is in your system for years.

Without treatment these warts can cause changes that could progress to cervical cancer. If you're pregnant, you can pass the virus on to your unborn child.

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Ann, I'm scared to death. I can't concentrate on school. I'd give anything to be healthy again. My folks are supportive and I'm thankful for that.

And what about the guy I was with? He's out there, still scoring. I don't care what happens to him, which is not very nice, but I feel sorry for the girl he will probably charm the pants off of this weekend.

Please tell your readers that this disease is serious stuff. It can be deadly. No sex is worth the price I'm paying. Hurting Alone

Dear Alone: I can understand your bitterness, but your attitude is almost as destructive as the Genital Warts. This doesn't have to ruin your life.

HPV (human papillioma virus), the virus that causes Genital Warts, is both treatable and manageable.

I hope you are seeing a competent Gynecologist. Treatment may not eradicate the pesky things, but you'll feel a lot better. Please educate yourself. Thank You for writing. I wish you the best of luck.

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Book: Wake Up And Smell The Coffee By: Ann Landers

Dear Ann Landers: This is in response to (“Trouble In Toledo”) whose husband of 26 years contracted Genital Herpes.

I am 24 years old and have been married for one year. If my husband weren’t so understanding, I probably wouldn’t be married now.

Three months after we became engaged, I was diagnosed with Herpes.

Before I met “Bob,” he practiced safe sex, and I was less careful and more promiscuous.

Because we'd been friends for a very long time, he knew about my past and accepted me in spite of it. Bob is the only man I've ever been faithful to.

I was terrified that he would think I'd been fooling around. It killed me that after finally turning my life around, something out of the past might destroy my future.

I asked my doctor how I could have gotten Herpes since I was faithful to my fiancé. She explained that I had probably had the virus before and something stressful had caused it to flare up.

Most men wouldn't have believed that, but Bob had faith in me. We must live with an outbreak from time to time but have learned to manage. Of course, we're being very careful so he won't be infected. My husband is rare person, and I plan to hang on to him for the rest of my life. Sacramento, California

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Book: Wake Up And Smell The Coffee By: Ann Landers

Dear Ann Landers: Two years ago, I became ill with high fever, chills and severe genital pain. The diagnosis was Genital Herpes.

At the time, my husband and I had been married 15 years. He was the only sex partner I'd ever had in my entire life.

He showed no symptoms. Life in our household was hell. Thanks to the help of several doctors, we learned a lot about Genital Herpes.

1. Since my husband had other sex partners before our marriage, he could have contracted it then. Some people have such a mild case that they don't even know they have herpes. Nevertheless, they become carriers. Years later, they may have another mild (unnoticed) outbreak and pass on the virus.

2. Condoms do not protect against herpes because the virus is in the entire genital area.

3. If a sex partner with a cold sore performs oral sex, he or she can infect a partner.

4. I am a Nurse, so I could have picked it up while tending a patient. I am meticulous about hand washing, but that is no guarantee.

We still don't know how I got Genital Herpes. I have had two flare-ups since the initial outbreak. My husband has never had a symptom. I have never had a sex partner other than my husband.

Please tell (“Trouble In Toledo”) that I believe her husband completely. I know he could have contracted herpes without having an extramarital affair because that is what happened to me. New Orleans

Dear N.O: Thanks for the backup. I have received many letters from readers who wanted to vouch for (“Toledo's”) husband because they, too, had had the same experience. My readers, bless them, are loyal not only to me but also to each other.

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Reader Hookup Confession: “My Summer Fling Gave Me Herpes” May 2011 Seventeen

“I met this hot guy at a party in the beginning of summer. We flirted like crazy, then started hanging out --- and hooking up --- every day. We always stopped before we actually had sexual intercourse, so I didn't think it was a big deal.

My attitude was: We're just having fun. What's the worst that could happen?

Well, just days after we broke off our fling at the end of the summer, I began to get burning, painful sores on the outside of my vagina.

They hurt so bad that my mom took me to the doctor, who said the words that I never thought I'd hear: 'You have genital herpes.'

It turns out you can get an STD if your genital area rubs against his, which I didn't know. I was shocked, but most of all I was devastated --- I thought I'd never hook up again. I started to heal (emotionally and physically) when I realized my medication can control my infection, but looking back, a summer fling wasn't worth it.

Now I know how important it is to take every hookup seriously. Ashley, 15

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Health Read: Lessons From The Ob/Gyn Files August 2012 Redbook

Hilda Hutcherson MD is an Ob/Gyn and a professor at Columbia University in New York City Adelaide Nardone MD a Gynecologist in New York City

She had an STD?! “I once had this woman --- beautifully dressed, perfectly groomed, clearly educated --- come to me after her regular Gynecologist couldn't help her.

She had pelvic and abdominal pain that just wouldn't quit.

After many diagnostic tests, her doctor thought it was kidney stones. I looked for the results of her STD tests, but she'd never been screened.

She didn't fit the usual profile of an STD patient and hence was never tested.

Fortunately, she didn't just accept the diagnosis, live with the pain, and hope it would get better --- she sought out another opinion.

I ordered the needed tests, and she ended up having Chlamydia. With antibiotics, her pain was gone in two weeks.

The point is that you should never be afraid to get a second opinion if the diagnosis doesn't seem right or you don't feel right. And anyone can catch an STD. With Reporting By: Lisa Mulcahy

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Real World: Crazy Cast Contract August 29, 2011 Us Magazine

Everything from e-mails to STD’s are covered in the 30 page document Sleep around at your own risk

Bring protection! Cast members acknowledged that “other participants --- may have one or more STD’s.”

17 Sexplanations May 2011 Seventeen

Book: Hooking Up: A Girl's All Out Guide To Sex & Sexuality By: Amber Madison

Question: “I've got an STD --- now what?”

Answer: If you get diagnosed with an STD, your first reaction may be to freak out. Don't! You aren't alone, your life isn't over, and you're not unlovable. So take a deep breath and learn the facts. The more you know, the less scary it is, promise.

Ask your doctor: Is it curable? Many STD's are cured with antibiotics, and all have symptoms that can be treated (even with viruses that remain in your system).

How many people have it? This number will likely be higher than you think --- like in the millions! If all those people have survived, so will you.

Who do I tell? Your current partner or anyone you may have gotten it from (or given it to) needs to know, since he or she should get tested and treated, if necessary. Who you tell in the future depends on several factors and is something you need to bring up to your doctor.

So remember: Do everything you can to protect yourself from STD's, but if you are diagnosed, it won't stop you from meeting someone or falling in love. It may mean having to really trust them before going too far --- but that's a good thing.

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Ninety-Day Probation (Score Sheet Report Card) Book: The Boyfriend Test By: Wendy L. Walsh

Note: This boyfriend candidate starts out with a new rating of 50. From there his behavior either earns or loses him points.

1. Do his acquaintances call you by name?

You've met some of his tertiary world and they regard you only as a stranger. (0)__

His “people” are quite cordial (+10) ___

His peripheral people call you by name (+15) ___

His contacts treat him with a slight air of disdain (-10) ___

You've met nobody in this part of his world (-5) ___

2. Where does he keep your toothbrush or photo?

He makes sure you leave nothing at his place (-10) __

He gives you a drawer or shelf, but your stuff is out of sight (0) ___

You're welcome to leave stuff around (+10) ___

He displays your photo (+10) ___

He displays another woman's photo (-30) ___

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Title: Fatal Flaws 1 You’re In The Spotlight Series: 5

Language: English

Non-Fiction Categories: How To * Self Help * True Crime * Entertainment * Pop Culture * Dating/Relationships * Current Affairs * Pets * Women’s Issues * Health * Social Issues *

Release Date: March 2017 Series: $12.49 /3 books no substitutions please Pages/Word Count: Available at a later date

3 Month Trial Membership/12 books/ 4series $24.99

Description: Self destructive behavior = Fatal Flaw

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Ask Dr. Barbara Book: 100 Questions About Love & Relationships By: Dr. Barbara DeAngelis

Question: Why do I keep choosing unavailable partners?

I have a pattern in my relationships that I can’t seem to break. I fall in love with people who will not or cannot make a commitment to me.

They are either involved with someone else, still recovering from a bad relationship, afraid of commitment, or don’t love me enough to want to get really serious.

What’s wrong with me?

Why do I keep choosing people who can’t love me?

Dr. Barbara: This is one of the most painful and self destructive patterns, isn’t it? At least you’re aware that you are making the choices, and aren’t blaming your partners for betraying you.

Remember nothing is wrong with you that isn’t wrong with anyone else. We each have areas of our life where we are the most challenged and carry emotional baggage from our past.

More specifically, you may be prone to choosing unavailable partners if: You felt abandoned by a parent as a child

You repeat this pattern as an adult by finding partners who can’t be there for you either.

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You’re afraid of intimacy

Being in a relationship with a partner who is unavailable is a great way to avoid true intimacy.

If you were sexually or physically abused as a child and had your boundaries violated, or made a decision when you were young that you would never let anyone get close enough to hurt you again, you may find it “convenient” to choose partners with whom you can never have a truly committed relationship as an unconscious method of protecting yourself from pain.

The first requirement you should have for a partner is that he is available. For those of us who like to pretend we don’t know what available means, here is a definition.

Available; Free to be in a relationship with you;

Not involved with anyone else;

Not married;

Not engaged;

Not going steady;

Not sleeping with another person;

Alone; single; all yours.

You have low self-esteem

If you came from a very dysfunctional home which left you with little self-esteem because you were always criticized or ignored or abused, you may feel you don’t deserve to have a mate all to yourself, so you’ll take whatever you can get.

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The following definitions are not definitions of available

With someone, but promises to leave soon.

With someone, but he doesn’t really love her.

With someone, but they’re not having sex anymore.

With someone, but says he’s just staying for the kids

With someone, but she knows about you and it’s all right

With someone, and isn’t leaving, but wants you to stick around anyway.

Just left someone, but might be going back.

In other words: Stay away from people who are married, in other relationships, or tell you they aren’t interested in making a commitment!

Until you are emotionally free of the pattern, you might try a relationship fast for a while --- no dating, no intimate relationships of any kind.

This will allow you to become strong in yourself, to spend time healing your old emptiness, and to become clear about the kind of partner you need in your life.

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Standard Suggestions

I will not go out with a man who hasn’t asked me out first.

I will not go out with a man who keeps me waiting by the phone.

I will not date a man who isn’t sure he wants to date me.

I will not date a man who makes me feel sexually undesirable.

I will not date a man who drinks or does drugs to an extent that makes me uncomfortable.

I will not be with a man who is afraid to talk about the future.

I will not, under any circumstances, spend my precious time with a man who has already rejected me.

I will not date a man who is married.

I will not be with a man who is not clearly a good, kind, loving person.

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He's Stringing Someone Else Along

Dear Carolyn: Say for instance a few years back, girl meets boy --- its love at first sight. They eventually get together, though break up a short time after, and remain very good friends for years to follow.

Guy and girl still discuss their feelings for one another and have seriously considered marriage. However, guy has been seeing another woman for the last few years about whom he has admittedly lukewarm feelings, and says he doesn't know where things are going there.

Girl can really envision a future with this guy ...

Is there anything she can do aside from being patient and seeing if there are new developments? Milwaukee

Dear Milwaukee: Yes. She can get her head out of her, uh, romance novel. I can really envision your future with him, too:

You get along well, but he seems distant at times. You tell yourself this is normal, yet feel increasingly isolated. You speak up. Boy says you're imagining things. You see yourself clinging and hate it.

Then he says to the other girl they're "just friends" mind you --- that things with you have been kind of lukewarm.

It seems like a basic precaution not to make yourself available to anyone who openly declares that he's stringing along someone else.

No one has everything, but every good mate will have these: compassion, conscience, and spine. Before you decide this warning doesn't apply: make sure your justification passes the laugh test; "love at first sight" doesn't that is, unless you just prefer to have him string you along inside a relationship, inside or outside one. [email protected]

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He Loves The Woman With The Broken Leg

Dear Deanna! My neighbor broke her leg and I’ve been going back and forth helping her out and running daily errands.

Since I’ve been around her so much, I developed an interest in her.

She has a boyfriend that doesn’t treat her well and hasn’t been there for her during this time. I’ve stayed with her a few nights and done things like brush her hair, run her bath water and serve her food.

How do I let her know my feelings and let her know that I’ve fallen in love and want to date her? Anthony

Dear Anthony: The first thing you need to address is the situation with her boyfriend. Inquire and find out about this relationship, where they stand and how serious they are.

Once you have those answers and if they’re in your favor, share your feelings and make your intentions known.

You must be careful because your neighbor may be sensitive and you don’t want to appear as if you’re taking advantage of her. Again, get answers, share your feelings and keep it moving. [email protected]

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Dear Miss Manners: I am hopelessly in love with a woman who is in love with another man. For some time, I thought my case was hopeless; however, this spring, I found out her boyfriend is moving away.

At first I thought she would be heartbroken, but instead she has been very casual about the situation.

What would be a proper waiting period before asking her out or demonstrating my interest in developing a closer friendship?

Also, when I do get her to accompany me out, should I act only slightly interested and pretend not to be overwhelmed by her charm, or should I let her know how I feel about her?

Gentle Reader: There is no formal waiting period observed by a lady who is bereaved because her boyfriend has moved away.

In fact, there seems to be no such waiting period for any kind of bereavement any longer, although Miss Manners did think it in questionable taste when she heard of a proposal being made to a gentleman whose wife had almost, but not quite, completed the formality of dying.

So let us abandon the pretense of talking etiquette, in this case and talk strategy.

Strategically, it is best to be the next romance but one, when following a romance that has come to grief one way or another.

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It is an unfortunate fact of life that the generous soul who listens to outpourings of anguish, devises ways to distract the unhappy one, takes the midnight telephone calls and selflessly suppresses his or her own desires in order to devote full time to nursing the beloved back to emotional health that person gets thanked and dumped when the recovered patient is ready to fall in love again. This is frightfully ungrateful, of course, but it happens all the time. The nurse is associated with the unpleasant atmosphere of the sick room.

Nevertheless, Miss Manners understands that you, having waited out this gentleman, are not prepared to wait for a second to come along and then go along. Also, she knows that every once in a while someone marries the first candidate on the rebound, rather than the second, and that you would be perfectly furious at Miss Manners if this turned out to be one of those cases.

Her advice, then, is to step in now, but to be as little like a therapist as possible. Do not encourage this lady to talk about her woes, do not allow her to treat you sloppily on the grounds that she is not feeling her best, do not be excessively understanding, at the expense of your own comfort.

Be a confident suitor, expecting the lady to behave well toward you, and acting cautiously and casually. Miss Manners is sorry to have to tell anyone to be less kind and unselfish than he would like to be, but surely you have heard about nice guys finishing last. www.missmanners.com

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Dear Abby: Four years ago I had major affections for a man. We talked every chance we could .We arranged times we could sit together and just talk.

There was lots of flirting, eye contact, and this overwhelming feeling of bliss --- butterflies in the stomach --- all of that.

The problem was he was married. Once I realized it, I was devastated because I understood what I wanted could never be.

I feel so lost. I’m now considering going to counseling. I still hear from others that he mentions me or says he misses me, but this is old news. Now there’s someone else, and it’s the same problem --- just a different setting.

I feel so guilty for crushing on unattainable men. What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I like someone who is available? I’ve liked guys my own age before, and ones who were single, but there’s something exciting about older unavailable men.

I don’t want to feel this way, but I know that when I try to fight these feelings they just become stronger. I won’t act on them, but I wish I could change them. How can I? Feeling Guilty In Ohio

Dear Feeling Guilty: The quickest way to do that would be to talk about these feelings with a licensed mental health profession.

When you do, be prepared to touch on all of your relationships with me, including your father --- who is usually the first “unattainable” man with whom a little girl falls in love.

I am pretty sure you will find that conversation illuminating. Once you understand your feelings, it may be easier for you to find a man who is truly available --- if a relationship beyond a mad flirtation is what you really want, that is. www.dearabby.com

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Ask Gwendolyn Boyfriend’s Wife Sits In Front Seat

Dear Gwendolyn: I have been going with a married man for 26 years.

His wife has no children. He says that is the only reason he is staying with her. Because she could not have children, he doesn't want to hurt her --- and wants to protect her feelings.

She thinks her husband and I are just long time old schoolmates. Actually, as mentioned, we are lovers.

I was once pregnant by him and he pushed me down a flight of stairs and I lost the baby. He said, "If I can't have children with my wife, then I won't have children."

However, I continued to date him.

My problem is: My car needs a new motor. I am without transportation and my boyfriend agreed to give me a ride to work. I accepted, but I think by now he should tell his wife about us and that she should be made to sit in the back seat while I sit next to him in the front seat. Gwendolyn, what do you think? Liz

Dear Liz: I think you are crazy. Yes, you have a problem, but I think your problem is bigger than you realize. You have a mental problem.

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Let me tell you this: You have invested 26 years (WOW!) into a man who stayed with his wife. I feel you may not be the only outside woman in his life. Think about it. Married men who court often have women on every block and even one across the street.

My advice to you is to forget about those 26 years and leave this relationship. You are coming out of this with nothing --- not even a new set of bed sheets, nothing. As to not wanting to sit in the back, you might as well. You are not wanted in the front.

Liz, move on with your life. As for transportation to work, ride the bus or walk. www.gwenbaines@hotmailcom

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Relationships And Your Self Esteem Self esteem affects your relationships and the reverse is true also.

How does self esteem affect your relationships?

Low self esteem will affect your relationships negatively.

It may make you attract negative people into your life.

If you have low self esteem you won’t be able to relate to others well.

You may feel a lack of confidence in social situations.

Your body language may be negative and you will not respond to others positively.

If you do not behave confidently others may take advantage of this, criticizing you and making you feel worse.

Your manner is likely to make others respond coldly and this will damage your relationship with others further.

Relationships you have had for a while can quickly go downhill if you suffer from self worth. Even the best of friends will grow tired of someone who cannot help him/herself.

You may take on a victim mentality. This means you will blame everyone and everything for how you feel. You will not be able to relate to others well because you will act like a victim rather than an equal.

Criticism is mutually damaging. Obviously, criticism from others will hurt you but when you criticize others you invite a negative response and possible guilt when you think about what you have said in the heat of the moment. Whatever problems you have in your relationships there are many ways to get help. I suggest you visit my online counseling page which explains just one way for you to find help.

Rejection is another problem. If you feel rejected by a friend or partner this is a huge blow to your confidence and self worth. Rejection can make you believe there is something wrong with you or that you deserve to be rejected. Karl Perera

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Book: Dare To Live Without Limits By: Bryan Golden Victor Or Victim? Your Attitude Determines Your Future

Do you conquer problems or do they conquer you? It's attitude that determines whether you are a victor or a victim. Your age, education, financial status, or social standing don't matter. There are victors and victims from every background.

Victors are not special. They are not better than others. Victors know “they can” whereas victims are convinced “they can't.”

Whether you are a victor or victim is up to you.

However, victims argue this is not the case. They claim they have no control over their circumstances. They believe some people are luckier than others or have more fortunate situations. A victim will point out that there's nothing they can do to improve their situation.

Victors don't make excuses. They don't complain. Victors look at whatever problems are before them and then seek solutions. They work with what they have and start from where they are. Victors understand they have the ability to take control of their destiny.

You can choose to be a victor even if you are used to being a victim. Start with your self perception. Visualize yourself as a victor, overcoming any obstacles you encounter. Don't worry about not having an immediate solution. With a victor's mindset, you will discover the answers you need.

As a victor, you are not susceptible to naysayers who provide you with a litany of reasons why you won't succeed. As a victor, you are immune to ridicule. You don't have a need to convince anyone of your chances for success. Instead, you simply stay focused on achieving your goal.

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Victors know every problem has a solution and they are determined to find it. They look at problems from every angle. They break problems down to simplify them. They consider all possible solutions.

You are a victor when you automatically think, “I can,” rather than, “I can't.” You purge your self talk of negatives. You never discourage yourself with a constant barrage of pessimistic thoughts.

As a victor, you understand that anything is possible. Within you lies the power to achieve your dreams. You have more potential than you realize. Any limits you feel are self imposed.

For you, failure is not an option.

You know that failure only occurs when you give up. Setbacks are normal, providing an opportunity to grow. You learn from your mistakes rather than becoming discouraged.

Victors are always honest, ethical, and moral. They don't take advantage of or cause harm to anyone. Victors harness the power of attraction. They treat others with kindness, respect, and consideration.

A victor's success is not at the expense of someone else. Being a victor is not selfish nor does it cause other people to suffer. There's no reason to be jealous of a victor. Anyone and everyone can achieve that status.

As you know, time goes by too fast. Being a victor enables you to get the most out of life. Too many people fail to live their dreams because they think and act like victims. The only thing stopping you is yourself.

If you don't feel like a victor, objectively assess your thoughts and actions. Identify those areas which need adjustment. When things have consistently not been going your way, look in the mirror to determine the role you are playing. The past is over. What's important is the course you will take from today forward.

Life is about making choices. It's up to you to decide whether you will be a victor or a victim. The path you follow is up to you. No one else can or should pick it for you. Be determined to think and act like a victor from this moment on. www.bryangolden.com

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Book: The Diva Principle By: Michelle McKinney Hammond Diva Do’s And Don’ts

Discard the negative, absorb the positive

Do not volunteer to be a victim

Decide to protect what is precious to you. Your heart, your body, your love.

If trust and respect must be earned, so must your love.

Book: Dare To Live Without Limits By: Bryan Golden Cut The Strings To Break The Victim Mentality

It's challenging enough being in charge of your own life, but it is impossible to be responsible for someone else's. Although every person is accountable for their own happiness, there are those who feel other people are responsible. This is known as a victim mentality.

A common strategy used to control you is attempting to make you feel culpable for another's unhappiness. Your actions or attitude may be blamed. You open yourself up to constant frustration when taking this emotional bait by thinking it's your fault. However, you are not responsible and don't have to feel guilty.

People with a victim mentality influence you through emotional manipulation. In their view, regardless of how hard you are trying, you are always failing them in some area. In spite of all you do, they are never happy or satisfied. Keep in mind that you are not in charge of others emotions. Each of us decides how we feel.

When seeking approval from others for the way you live, you are open to having your strings pulled. Every individual has unique goals, desires, and values. By looking for approval, you empower someone to evaluate you through their lens. You don't need approval to follow your own path.

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Being liked and accepted is connected to striving for approval. Regardless of your positive character traits, there will be those who don't like you. The adage that you can't please everybody is based on reality.

Compromising yourself to please others never works. Conforming who you are on what you think others expect leads to constant unhappiness. You become a chameleon rather than an individual. Your personality is constantly changing based on who you are attempting to please. Know who you are. Understand your strengths and weaknesses, likes and dislikes.

Just as you are not responsible for causing someone else's problems, you are not responsible for solving them. It can be agonizing to watch as a person close to you struggles with adversity. It's tempting to step in to fix their problems.

If you fail in this altruistic endeavor, their focus turns to blaming you for exacerbating their situation. Should you succeed, they become dependent rather than self sufficient. As a result, their coping skills are never fully developed.

Furthermore, their constant dependence on you is very draining. Should you not be able to help them out of their next predicament, you will be blamed. Furthermore, there is the risk of also being resented for turning your back on them.

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When you possess the appropriate expertise and experience, a preferable strategy is teaching how a problem can be solved while allowing someone to apply the resolution themselves. You then provide a valuable service by guiding them to become self reliant.

Worrying about criticism provides people with strings to manipulate you. Any adverse feedback causes you to alter your views or behavior. You sacrifice your individuality by planning your life to avoid criticism. It's actually OK to be criticized. When you are, you're in the company of some of the greatest people in history who were routinely ridiculed.

Simply ignore attempts to pull your strings. There's no need to get defensive. Arguing about it won't convince the other person to stop or change their mindset. All it does is tighten their hold on you.

Cutting the strings that enable others to manipulate you is liberating. It's OK to live your life your way, on your terms. As long as you act ethically and morally and don't take advantage of others, you have nothing to answer for. www.bryangolden.com

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Your Voice On The Street: Stephanie Sosa What advice would you give your younger self?

Susan Kronback (Findlay) “I would have told myself not to be so afraid of what other people think about you and just not be so afraid … period.”

Some Common Effects Of Low Self Esteem

Lack of self confidence: People with low self esteem often have little confidence in their abilities.

They may think they’re doomed to fail again because they failed before.

Unhappy personal life: Negative people aren’t fun to be around. People with low self esteem find it hard to develop close relationships.

The result may be a lonesome and unhappy personal life.

Poor performance: Lack of self confidence may result in making little or no effort toward realizing projects or goals.

But failures that result from a lack of effort are not a true reflection of a person’s abilities.

Distorted view of self and others: Some people won’t give themselves credit for their accomplishments.

These people may think others look better in comparison.

They may also believe that things just happen to them --- that they don’t make them happen.

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Managing Your Child’s ADHD: Self Esteem Novartis Pharmaceuticals Corporation

Poor self esteem may be associated with ADHD. Self confidence and self respect are vital to personal development.

As a parent or caregiver of a child with ADHD, it’s your job to identify and build your child’s strengths.

Adults with ADHD/ADD sometimes have a poor self image and a negative outlook on life.

Usually, these are due to past experiences. oing to therapy or counseling can help you break a pattern of negative thinking. This, in turn, can boost your self esteem.

Learn as much as you can about ADHD/ADD. The more you know, the easier it is to make adjustments in your lifestyle.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it. Don’t dwell on mistakes, guilt or regrets. Instead, try to learn from your mistakes. Then you’ll be less likely to repeat them

Focus on your successes. Believe it or not, it can be hard for people with ADHD/ADD to handle success.

They thrive on the energy that leads up to an accomplishment, but once it is over, depression can set in. You can get through these feelings by being aware of your emotions.

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Persons With Low Self-Esteem

Consider themselves lost, unworthy, of being cared for.

Are poor risk takers.

Operate out of a fear of rejection

Are typically unassertive in their behavior with others.

Are fearful of conflict with others.

Are poor problem solvers.

Are fraught with irrational beliefs and have a tendency to think irrationally.

Are susceptible to all kinds of fears.

Have a tendency to become emotionally stuck and immobilized.

Have a poor track record in school or on the job; conversely, they sometimes over compensate and become over achievers.

Are unable to affirm or to reinforce themselves positively.

Are unable to make an honest assessment of their strengths, qualities, and good points; they find it difficult to accept compliments or recognition from others.

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Have poorly defined self identities with a tendency to be chameleons in order to fit in with others.

Are insecure, anxious, and nervous when they are with others.

Often become overcome with anger about their status in life and are likely to have chronic hostility or chronic depression.

Are easily overcome with despair and depression when they experience a setback or loss in their lives.

Have a tendency to overreact and become de-energized by resentment, anger, and the desire for revenge against those whom they believe has not fully accepted them.

Fulfill roles in their families of origin that are counterproductive and maladaptive. These roles carry over into their adult lives.

Are vulnerable to mental health problems and have a propensity to use addictive behavior to medicate their hurt and pain.

Such addictive behavior can include alcohol, drugs, food, gambling, sex, shopping, smoking, workaholics, or the search for excitement, truth, wisdom, and a guru with an easy guide to the achievement of happiness.

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Hookup Signals He’s Trying To Send You His sexy moves reveal a deeper message. Make sure you get it! May 2011 Seventeen

I’m not into you: being fidgety “This one girl I hooked up with was way too aggressive --- she kept climbing on top of me! Every time I’d stop the action and readjust, but she didn’t tone it down. It made her seem clueless.” Allan www.seventeen.com/hookup

Book: Me Before We By: Suzanne Lachmann Psy.D 10 Ways Low Self-Esteem Affects Women In Relationships

If you can’t see your own worth, how can you believe a partner will?

Nothing interferes with the ability to have an authentic, reciprocal relationship like low self-esteem. If you can’t believe you’re good enough, how can you believe a loving partner could choose you?

Low self-esteem can make you test or sabotage relationships that have potential, or settle for relationships in which you’re treated in a way that matches your beliefs about yourself.

That said, low self-esteem doesn’t always look the same way in relationships.

The following are 10 of the many ways that low self-esteem can manifest in your romantic relationship.

(Note that adult manifestations of earlier emotional, physical or sexual abuse are way too complex to be characterized in this post. Trying to do so would not do service and so those pathways to low self-esteem will be omitted from this article.)

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1. Bring the bling You feel wretched and fantasize that a knight in shining armor will take you out of your circumstances and make everything better.

This longing may have formed from falling in love with the fantasy of a father. Maybe yours was unavailable enough that you could idealize him without ever testing his fallibility.

You may think you know why your father never “saved” you: it was your fault, not his. Or maybe he did, over and over and your relationship has to make you feel just like that again. Therefore, you may feel compelled to hold tight to the fantasy of perfection as the bar you set for your romantic partners to live up to. Of course they can’t.

Even if your partner turns out to be solid, consistent, and loving (though not in a flashy way), you may disqualify the efforts, and find ways to sabotage the relationship.

2. Testing How could he really love me?

He doesn’t really love me, does he?

Below the surface these insecurities guide your emotions and actions. You can’t believe you could be truly loved and so you test your partner every chance you get so that he can demonstrate his value (which you don’t believe or trust anyway).

You may even sabotage the relationship because you know your partner will inevitably leave anyway. The end of every relationship allows you to say, “See, I told you so. I’m unlovable.” More often than not, there is intense regret in the aftermath when you lose a partner this way.

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3. Guarded If your parents experienced a painful divorce or betrayed each other, you might feel unable to trust a partner now, whether you are conscious of your guardedness or not.

You may be hesitant and afraid of allowing yourself to love so that you either abandon your partner before you can be abandoned or you won't allow yourself to get fully into a relationship in the first place.

Without trusting that maybe you won’t be betrayed, you are deeply afraid of exposing yourself to the possibility of being hurt.

4. Resilient Despite circumstances that could contribute to low self-esteem, some women are just built to be resilient. They’re born that way or work really hard to acquire the ability --- despite negative experiences --- to engage in a positive, substantive relationship as they mature.

Maybe there was a figure somewhere in her life that provided guidance and support and helped her to offset her low self-esteem with resilience.

Resilience enables women to be more measured in their approach to men, rather than hysterical about it.

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5. Boy crazy With low self-esteem, it can seem as if nothing comes easily or naturally to you.

Instead, because you don’t see yourself as naturally lovable, you feel like you have to fight and claw and strive for a mate. It’s as if unless you go nine million extra miles for something, you’re not going to get it.

Unfortunately, this can make you obsessed, consumed and infatuated with your object of affection in a way that ruins the ability to have a viable trajectory. You're already so far ahead.

When the relationship doesn’t develop easily or on your timeline, it's hard to tolerate.

Instead, this is your cue to work even harder. Just know that it is hard for the boy to sustain that level of intensity right along with you, and it may be a more intense experience than he is ready for.

6. Seeking financial safety Are you willing to surrender your hopes for an authentic connection with a partner to guarantee wealth and “financial safety?” This category manifests as the need to trap a mate with looks or sex or your other physical resources while hiding what you see as a shameful inner part of yourself.

This also allows the emotional safety of control: you’re in control of your ability to please a man without having to give away your heart. This is different than the rescue fantasy in that you don’t expect to be swept off your feet by a fantasy, but to guarantee financial safety, at the expense of other feelings you may have.

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7. Seeking insecurity Because you are familiar with situations that create low self-esteem --- being left, being cheated on, etc. --- you gravitate toward relationships in which you’re able to feel this familiar insecurity.

When it’s not there, you may even create it.

If the relationship becomes too secure, you may become disinterested and bored and you may stray. You’re so used to having to work to save an insecure relationship that these types of relationships become the only ones you gravitate toward.

But, at the same time, a deeper part of you tries to push your relationship to the brink and then back again so you can artificially create an experience of insecurity.

8. Settlers You’re willing to commit yourself to the person who expresses interest in you. You become much less discriminating about who you choose.

You may even be willing to put up with behavior that doesn't satisfy you, because you feel lucky to have anyone at all, even though you are aware you are not happy.

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9. Scared of intimacy Were intimacy and connection in your repertoire growing up? If not, these experiences may feel uncomfortable now. You may get really scared as the relationship progresses because authentic connection feels so foreign and fake.

Instead of allowing this connection, you may back away and become more distant emotionally and shut down sexually.

10. Disbelief It can be hard to imagine and even harder to believe that you can create and sustain authentic connections.

As a means of protecting yourself, you assume dishonesty even from an honest partner, which in turn sours the relationship as it goes on. Then, as you disbelieve your partner so often, maybe even relentlessly that he may begin to consider lying a viable option --- he is already “doing the time,” why not commit the crime?

This in turn reaffirms your belief that no one can be trusted.

We all know there are far more ways women express low self-esteem in relationships. But sometimes the self-knowledge gained by evaluating a list like this can help you understand not just pieces of who you are, but also pieces of who you are not.

Self-knowledge can help you steer away from some of these patterns of low self- esteem in relationships toward understanding, accepting and integrating your emotions, beliefs, and behaviors.

Appreciating how your actions have been impacted by your history can help you create an authentic connection in the here and now.

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Question: My friends worry about my low self-esteem. To me, it's no big deal. A long ago, I accepted the fact that, be it work, sports, or even simple conversation, someone else can do it better. What gets me is why it matters so much to others if I think I'm a loser? Worthless

Dear Worthless: Because no one believes you, and neither do I. You sound miserably depressed --- so depressed that you don't even care about feeling like dirt. This is no way to live. Your friends want to help. Tear down the wall of bravado and let someone in.

Dear Deanna! At one time, I was low in my life, lacking self-esteem and self worth. During this period, I met my husband and I settled just to have a man.

We've been together for almost five years and now I see he's not the man for me.

He has verbally abused me, had affairs and I've let him stay.

His bad finances are another story.

I see the excuses I've made and I've acknowledged my blame in this relationship. Am I being selfish and am I wrong to break up with him? Ready To Start Over

Dear Ready To Start Over: There's nothing worse than settling for less when you have options to wait for the right thing.

You've exhausted your time, your patience and personal self for a few years. You're rightly justified in wanting to clean up this mess and start a clean slate.

He's not attached on a deep emotional level so it shouldn't surprise or shock him when you let him know it's over. Yes, you should file for divorce, take the lead on the separation, say good bye and keep it moving. [email protected]

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GTash says December 8, 2010 at 8:54 am

I have to agree here.

We women have to take responsibility for how we allow the men in our lives to treat us.

If we show through our own actions that we are willing to allow a man to treat us like sh*t, or as a booty call or with disrespect in any way then frankly he will because he knows he can --- it is human nature to take the easiest route and these ass-clowns will soon leave a woman alone once they know she will be too much hard work for them.

Book: Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man By: Steve Harvey (Sports Fish)

A woman who hands out her home, work, and cell phone number and e-mail and home address to a man who’s done nothing more than buy her a drink and asks how he can reach her is a throwback.

A woman who shudders at the prospect of having to talk to the matriarch of a man’s family is a throwback.

A woman who can’t put together a coherent sentence or makes it clear she has no interest in doing so is a throwback.

A woman who doesn’t have a plan for her relationship life beyond next weekend is a throwback.

A woman we don’t even bother introducing to our friends or family is a throwback.

A woman who doesn’t take care of herself and is sour all the time, has an attitude wider than the entire ocean, and doesn’t hesitate to lay somebody out for the slightest transgression is a throwback.

A woman who lets men get away with disrespecting her is a throwback.

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Tina says December 6, 2010 at 7:45 pm

Why was it so hard to accept that he was really not that interested in me? Because it started so well?

Because he seemed so interested to start?

Because I was interested in him and desperately wanted him to want me in return? Had he never shown any interest in me, it would have been different. It was that he started so keen, so attentive. I knew I had his attention.

What I didn’t have was someone who legitimately wanted to be there for the long haul.

He liked that I liked him.

He liked the ego stroke, that I was always available, always so willing to listen to him and his problems, that I cared so much about him.

It just took me far too long to notice that the interest was not reciprocal. Then, it just became an exercise in trying to avoid the rejection.

In trying to pretend it wasn’t happening. In keeping the dream and the hope alive a little while longer.

The real kick came when I was demoted to the harem. I was welcome to join the other rejects in the “just hanging out and spending time” crowd.

Never special, never important. Just there, for when he was bored and lonely and needed someone to pay attention to him. There to be used.

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Book: Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man By: Steve Harvey (Sports Fish)

Doesn’t have any rules, requirements, respect for herself, or guidelines, and we men can pick up her scent a mile away.

She’s the party girl who takes a sip of her Long Island iced tea or a shot of her Patron, then announces to her suitor that she just wants to “date and see how it goes,” and she’s the conservatively dressed woman at the office who is a master at networking, but clueless about how to approach men.

She has no plans for any ongoing relationships, is not expecting anything in particular from a man, and sets absolutely not one condition or restriction on anyone standing before her --- she makes it very clear that she’s just along for whatever is getting ready to happen.

For sure, as soon as she lets a man know through words and action that he can treat her just any old kind of way, he will do just that.

Men will stand in line to sign up for that, believe me.

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Book: Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man By: Steve Harvey (Sports Fish)

A woman who drops it like it’s hot and puts on a dance floor performance that would make video vixen Karrine Steffans blush is a throwback.

State By State: September 13, 2013 USA Today Compiled By: Tim Wendel & Dennis Lyons

North Dakota, Grand Forks, --- Rules against explicit dance moves sent students at a high school waltzing out of the gym. The Red River High students were warned during the dance about moves mimicking one made infamous by singer Miley Cyrus.

Officials stopped the music and told the students if another stop was needed, they would have to leave. About three fourths of the 200 students at the dance then left.

The Stars' Best Quotes: They Said What? September 4, 2013 USA Today

“You're thinking about it more than I thought about it when I did it. I didn't even think about it because that's just me.” Miley Cyrus to MTV on her controversial performance at the MTV Video Music Awards August 25th

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Baby Bloopers July 2014 Toledo Parent

Nina Shaffer-Smith: The other day my 5 year old daughter was twerking at the Mud Hens game. Mortified, I said “Stop, where did you learn to do that?”

She informed me the girls at school do it. My 5 year old nephew who was intently listening at this point, chimed in and said, “I learned how to from Grampy!”

Interview With Tyrese Gibson Book: How To Get Out Of Your Own Way By: Tyrese Gibson A Jamie Foster Brown Interview

Mr. Gibson: You know these kids. I mean, if you don’t keep them in line, they can get wild on you if you let them.

Ms. Foster Brown: Tyrese, I was with an 11 year old boy a couple of weeks ago. And he said to me, “You and my mom don’t know how to dance.”

You know his mom and I like to get on the dance floor and dance hard. He said, “You all don’t know how to dance.” I said, “Really? What’s a good dancer? What should we be doing?”

You know what he told me? He said that we should be doing “back that thing up. Drop it like it’s hot.” I mean, you know, drop down and get your eagle on and basically the grind up against the boy dance. I was absolutely heartbroken.

Mr. Gibson: Well, you know, that’s just a part of that little boy’s environment that he’s growing up in. That’s normal to him. That’s why he’s speaking on it.

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Dear Miss Manners: A colleague in my office has a fondness for hot pants, tight tops with plunging necklines, and bracelets that rattle together. While her outfits might be suitable for a tailgate party at the baseball game, I find them incredible inappropriate for work.

Whenever I invite clients to the office for meetings, I dread bumping into her in the hall. I don’t want to hurt her feelings, but what’s a good way of getting her to put on some more clothes?

Gentle Reader: Why, the hussy! Running around like that while the rest of the business world is so meticulously dressed.

Miss Manners thought she would supply this reaction, because she is afraid that visiting clients will disappoint you by failing to do so. Only Miss Manners seems to have the stamina left to be shocked.

There are other reasons for dressing professionally than that it might shock clients. Businesses that spend fortunes on maintaining their professional images should discourage their employees from sabotaging it by looking as if they are goofing off or trolling for romance.

That is not easy to mandate, however. Miss Manners suggests that you be grateful, as you go about your business, that it is not your responsibility to critique your colleagues. www.missmanners.com

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Book: Call Her Miss Ross By: J. Randy Taraborrelli

Most of the female employees of Glickman-Marks felt hostile towards Simmons and his chauvinistic ways. One secretary recalled the day Gene had nothing better to do than wad pieces of paper together and lob them across the room into her cleavage as she tried to work. But no one would dare say anything to criticize Gene because of his relationship with Diana.

Question: Some of the women in our office wear clothing that reveals their ample cleavage. To me, this is inappropriate business attire. Should I say something or just keep quiet and enjoy the view? Eyes Wide Open

Dear Eyes: Cleavage used to be just for soap opera vixens and Hollywood types, but now its gone mainstream. Do not stare, gawk, or drool. Instead, the next time you find yourself face to bosom, force yourself to think vaguely intelligent thoughts like, well, that must be very empowering in a post-feminist kind of way, and then get back to work.

Memo to family and friends: Your days of obnoxious behavior are numbered. Karen Karbo is in the house

It’s complicated: Stop staring at my chest! Question: I am friendly with a man at work, but he always stares at my chest when we talk. I have mentioned it to him several times and he shrugs it off, saying he was looking at a necklace, the pattern on my shirt, etc … He’s making me crazy! S.B.

Karen Karbo: I reached out to the Society For Human Resource Management for a little clarity on your situation. What I found out: He may not be your boss, but this is sexual harassment --- and if he does this to you, he likely treats other women the same way. Tell him if he doesn’t stop, you’ll report him to HR. Then, if he keeps ogling you, follow through. You’ll be doing the right thing. [email protected]

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Book: Why Hasn’t He Called? By: Matt Titus & Tamsen Fadal Premature physical intimacy

Sure, everyone knows that you shouldn’t have sex on the first date, but the line gets blurry after date number one.

Men can’t respect a woman who sleeps with them immediately.

But --- um, can we please define the word “immediately?” If your first date lasted seven hours and then you spent ten hours on the phone and you poured your heart out over e-mail and feel like you’ve known each other a lifetime, even though technically you’ve only met three times --- is that “immediately?” YES PEOPLE, IT IS!

“He explained that even if he has some intense dates with someone, he obviously can’t be in love with her yet, so “it’s like doing halfsies --- the body without the heart.”

“Hey, I wouldn’t turn it down, but it’s not what makes me fall in love with a woman.”

How many times have you heard that desperate: “But of course you’re the only one!” while he’s frantically fumbling with your bra after one too many margaritas?

Whatever you do, don’t assume you’re monogamous just because you’re seeing a lot of each other. Until you have ‘The Conversation’ about exclusivity, just assume he’s going out with other women.

And by the way, as long as you are not exclusive, you have the right to date as many other men as you want. I advise you to exercise that right.

Also, don’t think you can get around this rule with a blow job. In my estimation, in --- is in. It’s all sex to me --- and to him.

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Thou Shalt Not Become Intimate On The First Date Book: Become Your Own Matchmaker By: Patti Stanger with Lisa Johnson Mandell

If you’re interested in him, there’s nothing wrong with a little nookie --- and by that I mean hugs and kisses.

But if this one has keeper potential, it’s best to take it slow and get to know him first, for at least three months, or until, in the sober light of the day, he suggests a monogamous relationship.

Book: The Boyfriend Test By: Wendy L. Walsh Don’t sleep with him

For a woman the formative stage of the relationship is the stage in which the guy lusts after her.

During the “lusting stage” the woman can take complete control of the budding relationship by not giving him sex.

I know, I know, a lot of you are saying, “What if that’s what I want too?”

My answer: you can give it up quickly and have one great night of passion, then hope that memory will last you until the next guy comes along, because the one you just slept with on the first date won't stick around for date #2.

Or you can wait and eventually have tons of great sex with this guy who might actually turn out to be “The One.”

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Book: The Diva Principle By: Michelle McKinney Hammond Get your head together, girlfriend

Divas are chaste, understanding the worth and the value of their hearts and bodies and treating them as precious commodities.

Not just anyone gains access to sample or touch, only one who is worthy.

Your heart and your body must be earned by one who knows the true cost of love.

To give your heart and your body before that time is to relinquish your power.

When powerless, you are open to be deceived, used, taken advantage of, and disappointed.

Ask Dr. Sam

Dear Dr. Sam: I had sex with a guy I thought cared for me, but he just wanted me for that. I am so disappointed. Why are men so deceiving? Fiona

Dear Fiona: I hear what you are saying, but you knew in the first five minutes this man was up to no good.

Before you require somebody else to care for you, you have to care for yourself first. In this case, it wasn’t the man who was deceiving, it was you.

It’s just the truth. www.sammallette.com

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Woman Sues Ex-Boyfriend After She Refuses $75, 000 Offer To Get Abortion Posted 4:08 pm, December 12, 2016, by Joe Dahlke

New York --- A young mother is suing her ex-boyfriend after he allegedly tried to offer her $75,000 to abort their child, The New York Post reports.

In the lawsuit, Elmira Naymark, 32, said she met 29-year-old hedge fund manager Ron Ozer through mutual friends in 2013. The two traveled the world together for more than 2 1/2 years, which included Ozer showering her with expensive gifts.

Things took a turn for the worse in January when Naymark told him she was pregnant.

According to the lawsuit obtained by The Post, Ozer told her to “call the clinic” and “take a pill,” upon hearing the news.

Later, he called her “white trash” and “disgusting” when she told him she wanted to keep the baby.

The situation took a turn when Ozer allegedly had a colleague offer Naymark thousands of dollars to end the pregnancy.

“He wants to help you out and take care of this,” the friend allegedly texted Naymark, according to court documents. “This isn’t the only chance for you to have children. You don’t have to force this and do it alone.”

“He’d be willing to offer a lump sum of money to you. I’m sure he would have no problem with 50k-75,000+.”

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The friend even allegedly suggested Naymark could use the money to freeze her eggs and have fertility treatments when she gets married in the future.

Naymark gave birth to the baby in September.

Ozer reportedly owns a $2 million home in New York’s West Village area and specializes in making multimillion-dollar natural-gas deals.

She wants him to provide their daughter with a lifestyle that is proportionate to his income. In addition to suing for child support, Naymark is suing her ex-lover for “full custody of the girl, health insurance for the baby, funding for private schools and summer camps, and a $5 million life-insurance policy listing herself and their daughter as beneficiaries,” The Post reports.

Ozer’s lawyer has not commented.

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Dear Dr. Sam: There are so many women out here who give themselves to men only to get hurt. I know they are looking for love, but Sam why do you think we put ourselves in a position to fail with men? Gloria

Dear Gloria: That’s a great question. Here is a small list of things women should always look for.

First of all, always qualify a man to talk to you in the first place. For example, if you speak French and he speaks German no matter how much you try to communicate you won’t understand.

Secondly, quit giving men unearned credit. For example, ladies you give him your services (you) without him having any credit.

Thirdly, ladies stop going by your imagination and look at what’s real in a man. If he is a bum believe that, if he is good know that.

Fourthly, quit looking for love in all the wrong places, because you can’t see the love in you.

Finally, most women want the bad boy, good man combo, but don’t have a clue of what that looks like. What they really want is a good man who is bad. www.sammallette.com

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Ask Dr. Sam: Super Dating Tips 101

Dating Tip #3 Never ever talk about sex on a first date for two reasons.

If both of you are thinking and wanting sex at the same time, it will be very hard for him to see pass the conversation without thinking about a potential booty call.

Furthermore, men don’t really respect women they can get too easy.

Men, will work for a woman they see value in.

Secondly, you want the man to be interested in you not what he can get from you. Ladies, you are valuable so let him see that. www.sammallette.com

Ask Dr. Sam: Don’t Believe The Lies

Commentary: Ladies, anytime you enter a relationship with a man that is attached to another woman you are not THE woman.

A lot of you are getting in these ridiculous relationships with men that are not mentally, spiritually, or physically available.

They are sexually available because all you are to him is a booty call.

Ladies, even if the sex is great, that’s all he is going to give you is sex.

I know your cheating low down man is telling you right now baby, I love you only you while he is still in a relationship, married, sleeping with and double booking another woman on the same night.

Don’t believe the lie.

When a man wants or loves you, there is no other woman period.

So ladies, if you are in any of these situations you better do like Tony Montana from Scarface and make a move because if you don’t you are playing yourself and it is nobody’s fault but yours. For those of you that don’t know you better ask somebody. www.sammallette.com

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Ask Dr. Sam

Commentary: Stop Chasing The Ghost Ladies, stop chasing men that don’t want you.

Stop imagining being with him, talking to him, loving him and changing him.

Ladies, stop chasing relationships with men who are not into you.

So many of you are creating relationships in your head that don’t exist.

Stop chasing ghost.

When you let a man know you are available or he approaches you, if he’s interested he will let you know.

Ladies, here are three rules to know about your imaginary relationships.

Rule 1: Just because a man has sex with you doesn’t mean he wants to be in a relationship with you. Stop chasing ghost.

Rule 2: Once a man loses respect for you, he will not be in a relationship with you, but you will become his booty call, cash flow, transportation and any other thing he can think of. Stop chasing ghost.

Rule 3: When a man tells you he doesn’t want a relationship, it’s not he doesn’t want an actual relationship, he just doesn’t want it with you.

Believe him. Stop chasing ghost. www.sammallette.com

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Ask Amy Live In Partner Wants Help With A Big Nudge

Dear Amy: Shortly after meeting my boyfriend five years ago, I moved into his apartment and we are very happy together. He is a hardworking and caring person --- the man I want to spend the rest of my life with.

Getting married has always been very important to me, and I always hoped that moving in together was a step in that direction. However, five years later, he has yet to propose and, though I often bring up the prospect of marrying someday, he never has much to say.

We split all the bills, chores, and adopted a cat two years ago --- it’s almost as if we are already married! Why the wait, when he knows how I long for it?

As time goes on, I’ve become more distressed about this, and even resentful as I watch my younger girlfriends become engaged after only one or two years of dating. I turned 30 this year and always imagined myself married with kids by now. I don’t want to pressure my boyfriend, but I can’t help but wonder why he hasn’t proposed. How can I gently nudge him to propose? Wannabe Fiancée

Dear Wannabe: I’d say that after five years of wanting marriage, the time for gentle nudges has passed. You bring up the topic of marriage often. Surely he has become skilled at the artful dodge.

It might be time for an ultimatum. In your case, the ultimatum goes like this: We either get married or we break up. It is counterintuitive to present someone with two such distinctly opposite choices, but you may have reached the illogical, all or nothing stage.

You need to realize that if your guy really wanted to marry you, he would have done so by now. You surrendered your power years ago by compromising your own genuine desire for marriage to move in with him.

If your ultimatum eventually yields a proposal, you should think long and hard about the reality of marrying someone who had to be pressured into it. (I personally faced a very similar engagement dynamic many years ago, and ultimately it did not go well). I’d love to hear from readers --- especially men about their own pressured proposals in order to gain more insight into this tricky dynamic. [email protected]

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“I Just Went Along With It”

Aaron Hernandez essentially had a hall pass to cheat on his fiancée whenever he pleased ... because she says she knew all about it ... but decided to look the other way.

Shayanna Jenkins testified for the second day at Hernandez's murder trial where he stands accused of killing Odin Lloyd back in 2013.

Jenkins testified that she broke things off with Hernandez after she found evidence that he was banging other chicks on his cell phone. But Jenkins says she got back with Hernandez anyway because their bond was too strong.

After they reconciled, Jenkins says she decided to “compromise on his behavior, and that included infidelity and everything that came along with that.”

Fiancée Changes Her Name

Aaron Hernandez hasn't even wifed up his fiancée yet, but she's already said “I do” to changing her last name.

Shayanna Jenkins just doubled down with Aaron --- who's in prison for life --- by taking his last name. The change was approved by a judge in Rhode Island.

The judge said Jenkins-Hernandez requested the change, so she could have the same last name as Avielle, the 2-year-old daughter she had with Aaron.

Prison officials say Aaron and Shayanna are not married yet, and Hernandez has not made filed the official request necessary for him to tie the knot ... while rotting

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Book: How Do I Get Him Back By: Bob Grant

So many women engage in self destructive behaviors, hoping a man will rescue them from themselves.

The real culprit in these women is not that they are simply picking the wrong men, but they have a deep seated case of self hatred.

Some common ways that self hatred manifests in women are: being self critical,

Sexually acting out,

Eating disorders,

Talking negatively about others,

Excessive shopping,

And rejecting compliments.

Even though these behaviors eventually lead to pain, in the short term, they enable a woman to avoid facing her deepest fears by serving as a distraction.

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Inspirational Message Of The Week: Mouth Guard

I was walking in a subway in Minsk, Belarus, with my friend Yuliya and her daughter Anastasia when I suddenly fell face first onto the dirty concrete floor.

I don’t remember the fall, but I do remember suddenly having a mouth filled with sand. Gravel and grit. Ugh! I couldn’t get that stuff out of my mouth quick enough!

I didn’t enjoy what went into my mouth on that embarrassing occasion. But Scripture teaches that it’s more important to guard what comes out of our mouths.

When the writer of (Proverbs 15) said that “the mouth of fools pours forth foolishness” (v.2), the word translated pours forth literally means “explodes out.” Rash accusations, angry words, and verbal abuse can do immeasurable and lifelong harm.

The apostle Paul spoke bluntly about this: “Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth” (Eph. 4:29) --- no dirty talk.

He also said to “(put) away lying” and to “speak truth” (v.25) --- no lies.

And later, “let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you.” (v.31) --- no character assassination. What comes out of our mouths should be wholesome and uplifting.

We guard carefully what goes into our mouths --- and rightly so. To honor God, let’s also keep tight control on the words that come out of our mouths. Dave Egner

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Book: Dare To Live Without Limits By: Bryan Golden Step Away From The Gossip, Focus On Your Own Goals

Gossip: “Casual or unconstrained conversation or reports about other people, typically involving details that are not confirmed as being true.”

People love to talk about other people. Out of the ordinary behavior, scandals, finances, and relationships are always popular topics of gossip. The most unusual, outrageous, or shocking, the more gossip is generated. The advent of social media, such as Face book and Twitter, accelerated gossip’s distribution speed and enabled worldwide reach. The resulting impact of gossip has therefore been significantly magnified as well.

Gossip is normalized through the numerous gossip TV shows and gossip print media. The resultant thirst for information on every aspect of the lives of others is insatiable. Too many people spend far more time watching other people than being concerned with the direction and quality of their own lives.

Sadly, more often than not, gossip has a destructive result. It can cause feelings of alienation, rejection, ridicule, and embarrassment. Gossip targeting a particular individual is a form of bullying.

False gossip which taints someone’s reputation is malicious, not a joke. The impact on the target is often widespread and long lasting. Unfortunately, gossip repeated often enough, becomes accepted as “fact” in many people’s minds.

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Gossip influences our perception. Negative gossip spreads the fastest. What we hear impacts our views, judgment, and conclusions about people or circumstances. Negative gossip is more memorable than positive gossip. Once an opinion forms, it is difficult to change. Our opinions subsequently direct our behavior.

It is unlikely for a person to research the source of gossip in order to determine its validity. For example, a friend of yours tells you they heard from someone that they thought the food at a particular restaurant isn’t very good. As a result, you probably won’t eat at that restaurant.

There are numerous reasons why people start or spread gossip. For some, they feel better by making someone else feel bad. Being involved with gossip may be an attempt at acceptance by joining the crowd. Seeking attention is a motivation for starting or spreading gossip. These people consider gossip as a way to get noticed. Hurting others through gossip generates a feeling of power for some individuals. They attempt elevating their status by stepping on others.

Gossip is used for revenge by those who believe their targets don’t deserve, or are not entitled to, some or all of the good things in their lives. Revenge seekers have a chip on their shoulder that their life has been unfair. Don’t be part of the process of starting or spreading gossip. In addition to spreading misery to others, being involved with gossip negatively impacts you as well. If you know something to be false, speak up rather than remaining silent.

You have to be aware of the harmful effects of gossip. Since gossip can influence your thoughts and behavior, remaining skeptical as to the validity of gossip protects you.

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Always ask yourself the following questions: Who is spreading the gossip?

What is the source of the gossip?

Is the gossip based on verifiable facts, conjecture, opinions, or hearsay?

The answers, in most instances, will illustrate how useless and destructive the gossip is. Therefore, the best way to deal with gossip is to ignore it without getting caught up in the endless cycle.

By so doing you will maintain a more positive outlook on life, while saving lots of time and effort. So let gossip pass you by. Don’t start it, contribute to it, participate in it, or send it along. Although you can’t control the actions of others, it is up to you whether or not you become involved in gossip.

Instead of gossiping about others, pay attention to what you are doing and where you are headed. www.bryangolden.com

Book: Having It All By: Helen Gurley Brown Don’t worry about what they say behind your back

If we all heard every conversation in which we were mentioned unfavorable, we’d mainline on Valium.

Don’t you sometimes say rotten things to close friends about people you love?

Could you trust anybody who doesn’t ever complain about near and dear ones, even a husband (especially him!)

That would mean they’re too stuffy to admit their darling has warts. Not to worry what they say when we aren’t there!

When they gossip about you, it probably means you’re important --- or enviable.

The good news is that we also say good things about each other in absentia and would probably defend each other with our lives if required.

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Book: Book Of Modern Manners By: Charlotte Ford Etiquette Tip: Gossip

Make sure what you say is courteous and positive. Your words say a lot about who you are.

You need to be sure to not use profanities, avoid off color jokes, and stay away from gossip.

Gossip can be entertaining when it passes along positive and interesting information, but is dangerous when it demeans or endangers another person’s character.

Book: Wake Up And Smell The Coffee By: Ann Landers Gossip --- Remember Me?

My name is Gossip. I have no respect for justice.

I maim without killing. I break hearts and ruin lives. I am cunning and malicious and gather strength with age.

The more I am quoted, the more I am believed. I flourish at every level of society.

My victims are helpless. They cannot protect themselves against me because I have no name and no face.

To track me down is impossible. The harder you try, the more elusive I become. I am nobody's friend.

Once I tarnish a reputation, it is never the same. I topple governments and wreck marriages.

I make innocent people cry in their pillows. My name is Gossip.

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Book: Book Of Modern Manners By: Charlotte Ford Etiquette Tip: Gossip

Conversation should never be about someone else, especially in a group, even a group of close friends. “Whew,” remarked a friend of mine once after a cocktail party where a woman we both knew dissected the life of another friend, “if she talked like that about Jane, I wonder what she says about me!”

One of the kindest people I know, when faced with this situation, immediately halts the speaker by saying “Goodness, Barbara, Adrian always says such nice things about you!” and then immediately changes the topic.

When confronted with a question about someone she doesn't particularly care for, she finds something positive to say, even if it is about the condition of his front lawn or the high polish on his car. She knows that public gossip about others is a forbidden topic and consequently is known as someone who never says a mean thing about another.

No matter how strongly tempted you are to pass along a nasty comment or to join in a group talking unkindly about another, don’t do it. It doesn't just defame the character of the other, it makes you look bad.

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Guilty Pleasures (Gossip Magazines) August 2011 Redbook

That the paper stock is laced with OxyContin would be one explanation for our complete inability to resist the rags.

A better (and actually scientific!) one: Being specially attuned to gossip is in our DNA. According to researchers from Northeastern University and UC Davis, we’re biologically wired to focus on people we’ve heard negative things about --- regardless of whether or not we know them.

Scientists believe that it allows us to protect ourselves from similar bad situations and people in the future. When you think about it that way, you can’t afford not to be riveted by LiLo’s escapades. Right? Right?

Book: Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man By: Steve Harvey Question: How do men feel about gossip?

Mr. Harvey: We hate gossiping. But we know we can’t stop it. It’s an invasion of privacy, and a man is pretty confident that if you and your friends are willing to talk about other people together, then your friends are probably talking about you and him, too.

Keep that in mind the next time you start getting all into other people’s business.

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Tasha Smith: Soars In New Tyler Perry Movie A Jamie Foster Brown Interview

Ms. Smith: Like, the first time we met I told him everything about myself.

One thing that I have been delivered from, and that’s shame.

Ms. Foster-Brown: Yes

Ms. Smith: You know a girl that I worked with sometime back had known me from back in the day.

She knew that my mother had had an addiction and that I was once a stripper and that I did drugs and, you know, I had abortions and all these things that I had done, because she was my personal friend.

So she knew these personal things.

So, she’s a writer and she went to work with these other producers and she’s like, “Oh, I know Tasha Smith.

Did you know she was a stripper? “

And, did you know that she once had a drug problem and that her mother was addicted to drugs?”

And these producers said, “Yes, we do know that because Tasha has been very transparent.”

My whole thing was just to say that nothing is ever going to be able to bring shame on me. I’m free.

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The Up Side: Quotes From Today's Positive Thinkers January 2013 Guideposts

“Gossip is like a nasty virus. If you learn to cover your mouth you won't spread the germs.” Audrey Harvey

Dear Deanna! My spouse is trying to force me to quit my stable job of 10 years. I’ve never had problems and the benefits are great. The issue is a new department secretary.

I have no interest in this woman but my wife only sees her as a young, energetic woman climbing the ladder. I’ve done nothing to make my wife insecure and she’s going crazy listening to office gossip.

I’m not quitting my job and my wife still insists that I should. What do I do? Paul R. Jacksonville, Fla.

Dear Paul: If you’ve had the same job and same spouse with no issues, then something has been triggered with the arrival of your new employee. If you’ve winked or wagged, then you’ve given the office hens something to talk about.

Office gossip is 99 percent gossip with a one percent smell of truth. Your wife has an insecurity issue that started before now and this is simply an excuse. You have a choice to fix your marriage, fix your job or fix yourself. [email protected]

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Making It Work: How To Stop Office Rumors

There’s no such thing as a completely gossip free workplace (and honestly, would you want to work there?) But too much chatter can get toxic. And it turns out that all that gossip isn’t so harmless.

Indiana University’s Tim Hallett, Ph.D., followed a grade school staff’s gossip for two years and found that most of it was negative. “Gossip is useful in clueing you in who’s up and who’s down at work,” Hallett says, but extreme gossip can be reputational warfare.” Here’s how to stop it without making yourself a target:

Try a fresh topic: “If someone bad mouths a co-worker, redirect the discussion,” Hallett says. “Broach a new but juicy topic, like, ‘Did you hear we’re getting an extra day off for Labor Day?”

Kill’em with kindness: “If you see someone’s about to attack a co-worker for her weird lunch habits, jump in with a nice remark,” says Hallett. “Say, did you hear her creative idea for the sales push?”

Short circuit sarcasm: “People use sarcasm to distance themselves from what they really mean,” Hallett says.

If a peer says, “Oh, yeah that Ann is a real pro, ask pleasantly, “What do you mean?” Did she say something brilliant in today’s meeting? Forcing him to be direct will usually make him withdraw.” Lindsey Palmer

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Ask Laskas Jeanne Marie Laskas

Question: My supervisor is a non-stop talker, and she’s made me and a co-worker her audience. We can’t get our work done because she interrupts us to gossip and complain about other people in our department or to talk about her family. My co-worker and I are increasingly frustrated, but because she’s our immediate supervisor, we don’t dare address it without risk of repercussions. Or do we? Worker Bee

Dear Worker: Why does Blabber Boss have so much time on her hands? Chances are, someone higher up the chain of command is wondering about her and your paltry productivity. Document your duties. Make a daily to do list and hang it where she can see it. Next time she tries to gossip, show her the list and say, “Look at all I still have to do!” [email protected]

Never Be At A Loss For Words Again Because your job didn't come with a script, MC asked the pros what to say in the stickiest, most sensitive office situations. Marie Claire

You're confronted by a colleague you've been gossiping about. How's this for uncomfortable: A co-worker sits down in front of your desk and says, “Is it true you called me incompetent?” You could deny, backtrack, and fudge. But you did say it --- and meant it.

The best course is to own it, advises Randy Cohen, the original “Ethicist” for The New York Times Magazine and Author of the recently published Be Good: How To Navigate The Ethics Of Everything.

Tell her why you said it, as constructively as possible. “You say, 'There are all kinds of ways in which you're not doing your job well. You might have done this and this,' Cohen advises.

It may be the most awkward five minutes of your career --- and don't expect any happy hour invitations from your aggrieved office mate --- but Cohen says it's OK to express an honest opinion behind your co-worker's back, as long as you didn't spread lies or betray a confidence.

So what of the snitch? The colleague who gave you up,” says Cohen, “is just a weasel.” Faye Penn

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Gossipers Seen As Influential, In Power Study finds talkers seeking inclusion

Have you heard? Office gossips are self assured people and hold positions of power in the workplace.

The findings are among the results of two studies recently conducted by researchers at Oklahoma State University and Albright College in Readings, Pa.

"Rather than being lonely social isolates who utilized gossip as a means to elevate low status, gossipers emerged as influential people likely at the hub of their communications networks,” said Sally D. Farley, social psychologist and principal Author of the Albright study.

Albright researchers asked 129 working adults to think of a frequent female gossiper and rare female gossiper, and their perceptions of need for power, inclusion, and affection.

Research shows gossips are equally men and women.

Their study focused on women, simply because of student design, Ms. Farley said.

Compared with rare gossipers, frequent gossipers were perceived as significantly more powerful, and possessed more masculine, or dominant and aggressive, traits and fewer feminine, or soft-spoken and submissive traits.

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“Gossiping,” Ms. Farley said, “can be an attempt by powerful people to reveal information about others in selective self promotional ways, such as spreading positive information about in group members and negative information about out group members.”

Previous research shows gossip is just as likely to be positive as negative, she said.

Moreover, between 75 and 90 percent of grapevine communication is accurate.

Among other things, gossip can increase intimacy of social bonds and clear up matters that aren't explained well in formal communications, she added.

Albright researchers were surprised with one finding.

Frequent female gossipers emerged as more emotionally distant and not especially well-liked.

“So while women who gossip are influential in their communications networks, with many friends, perhaps those relationships are less intimate,” Ms. Farley said.

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Think Before You Speak

Sharing information, be it intimacies or knowledge that you have privileged access to, can begin your slippery slide toward being labeled the office gossip. And the repercussions for indiscretion can be steep.

Lydis Bass (names have been changed), a publicist at a major record label, lost her well-paying job when she leaked some news about one of her clients.

“I knew an artist was pregnant before anyone else in my office because she had to confide in me before a photo shoot,” she says. “I told some people in my office and it spread like wildfire.

When the singer complained to my boss, I was let go immediately.” Though her leak was within the office, it was still a major faux pas.

“There’s a fine line between sharing information with your co-workers and gossiping with your peers,” says Shelly Henderson, a head nurse who manages a staff of six at a hospital in Detroit.

“We all know how priceless a friend who can keep a secret is --- I tell my nurses to try and be that person at work too.”

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Know When To Stay Or Walk Away

When water cooler (or ladies room) conversation shifts from a recap of last night’s episode of Soul Food to rumors of your boss being handed her walking papers, you’ve got a decision to make.

Should you participate --- and as grownups we know that listening is participating --- or excuse yourself from the conversation?”

“On one hand it’s an essential part of office culture,” says Traci Quarterman (name has been changed), an office manager at a major utility department in Los Angeles.

“It’s the way co-workers share information higher-ups may be trying to withhold. I once worked at a company that was on the verge of bankruptcy. They were planning on springing it on us the week of closing.

Luckily, the executive assistant couldn’t keep the secret.” For Quarterman and her peers, that bit of news was invaluable.

“But when office gossip is malicious or sensational, you may want to take the Higher Road.” There’s this girl on my shift who talks about everyone behind their backs,” says Tasha Davis (name has been changed), a receptionist at a three star hotel just outside of Detroit. We all know she does it and everyone avoids her. I just make excuses when she tries to take her breaks with me. Dream Hampton

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Dear Carolyn: A co-worker is so happy with her new fiancé. After meeting him, my “gaydar” went off. I didn’t say anything to anyone. Another co-worker came up to me and asked if I had met HIM. Turns out that everyone who has met this guy has independently come to the conclusion that Mr. Wonderful is gay, or at least bisexual. Question is, do we say anything to our co-worker of our suspicions, or do we let nature take its course? Sacramento

Dear Sacramento: Suspecting, suspecting strongly and suspecting strongly enmasse does not constitute knowledge. A good rule, especially with co-workers: When you know nothing, say nothing. And ixnay on the ossip-gay please. [email protected]

Me, Only Better March 2012 Ladies Home Journal

Ordinarily I’m a self improvement skeptic. But when everyone around me started sending not so subtle hints, I decided to suck it up and see if I could become a nicer, healthier, more organized person. Sandy M. Fernandez

Gossip less Gossiping is part of being social: Experts say that even dolphins and baboons may do it. Still, I was doing more than my share of feeding the rumor mill. Discussing other parents’ lives (or lack thereof --- zing!) is one thing but whispering tales about my son’s friends? Um, he’s 4.

My first thought was to go cold turkey. But when I broke this to friends, they were having none of it. “The school’s annual potluck is this week,” one said firmly. “Afterward, we’ll need to talk about it. A lot.”

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Trading dirt; it turns out, is as reciprocal as a gang initiation: “It creates loyalty partly because those involved now have something over each other,” says John L. Locke, author of Duels And Duets: Why Men And Women Talk So Differently.

In fact, people who don’t gossip, studies have shown, tend to be distrusted or even to inspire anger --- a feeling familiar to any mom who’s ever let her teen go to a party at someone’s house only to find out later that “everybody knew” the parents were out of town.

So I decided to try another tack, opting to practice “positive gossip” --- which basically means extending the benefit of the doubt. When someone asked me, “Did you see the tantrum that kid threw at the potluck?” I’d respond, “Oh, yeah, my son had a huge one of those at their house last week,” or “It was pretty late; maybe next year we should start earlier?” I’m no angel, though: The dad who insists on telling lame jokes at the playground, I decided is still fair game.

Chances of long-term success: Low. As you can see, I’m gossiping right now.

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Dear Amy: My best friend and I have been together for a very long time.

I recently found out that she and my boyfriend were communicating behind my back. Both of them said horrible things about me. My boyfriend’s e-mail account was open one day, and I happened to see these awful exchanges. My friend and my boyfriend talk on the phone and text back and forth.

I’m all for friends of mine getting to know my boyfriends, but this went beyond those boundaries. My girlfriend and I have been friends since long before either of us knew him, so I’m dumbfounded as to what to do.

I’ve cut them both out of my life for now until I have a better idea. When I confronted them, they both denied what they had done and turned on me.

I suppose they are two miserable people who deserve one another. I was thinking about telling my friend’s husband and what she had done, but I don’t want to involve myself further. I do believe in Karma. I believe that what goes around comes around. What should I do now? Confused

Dear Confused: Your friend and your boyfriend violated an important boundary by communicating secretly. Generally you should only pay close attention to critiques delivered personally --- not those things whispered behind your back.

While you don’t outline whatever horrible things these two might have said to each other about you, if there is anything embedded in this content that is important for you to know about yourself (for your own personal growth), I hope you will pay attention to it.

I agree with your choice not to independently reach out to your friend’s husband, but if you are asked about the dissolution of this friendship, you should be honest. Otherwise, you need to focus on healing from this betrayal. Keep in mind that anything you communicate with them individually will likely be shared. I hope you have other friends who can support you through this. You should assume that your relationship with each of these people is permanently over. [email protected]

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Dear Deanna! I have two best friends that are always talking about each other. I listen to what they say but I never repeat anything I hear. They’re going back and forth right now harder than ever and I’m being forced to choose sides. I don’t have an issue with either of them and I think they’re being unfair.

How do I choose who I want to be friends with because I can’t be friends with both of them? Nicki

Dear Nicki: Do yourself a favor and lose some weight by dropping both of them. If they don’t value your friendship enough to shield you from their drama and games, then they don’t deserve your friendship.

You’re not part of the problem now, but if you choose one over the other, you become a target from the other one.

Before you make a decision, see if you can help your friends resolve their issues and if not, call it a three way split and keep it moving. [email protected]

Request Makes ‘Friend’ Angry October 2005 The Blade

Dear Annie: I’ve been friends with “Cindy” for 25 years. Two years ago, we became friends with “Alice,” and recently, Cindy told her all about my abusive marriage, my deeply troubled daughter, and numerous other very personal things. I also discovered that she’s given this information to several other acquaintances.

I have always considered Cindy to be like a sister. When I asked her to please stop telling people about my personal life, she became angry and has not spoken to me since. I do miss our friendship, but I don’t know if it can be saved. What do you say? No Name But Deeply Hurt

Dear No Name: Cindy has a big mouth, and she owes you an apology. If you want to salvage the friendship (and we’re not sure it’s worth it), call and tell her you’d like to put this behind you. However, we caution you not to give Cindy any more personal information, because you can be absolutely certain, everyone in town will hear about it. [email protected]

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Dear Deanna! One of my friends has the bad habit of talking about people. I don't have a problem until she starts being loud and the person she talks about can hear.

We've had quite a few fights and embarrassing situations because of her mouth. Now that she has this reputation of being a trouble maker, people are thinking I'm the same way.

My friends step away when I show up and they think I gossip and start trouble as well. I'm torn between two sets of friends and need help. Anonymous

Dear Anonymous: You know good and well that you've tossed your two cents into the game a few times and now you want to run and hide. The best thing you can do is tell your friend to grow up and have some discretion if she chooses to talk about people.

If she can't take your advice, she's not a friend and you should only deal with her one on one or on the phone unless you want to borrow trouble. Also, if she can't say anything good about people, she should be quiet. [email protected]

Police Blotter: Sandusky Police 12: 48 p.m. 1800 block Superior Street Monday January 12

Woman yelled at, pushed neighbor after she overheard neighbor speaking with other person about her daughter.

Question: I have a neighbor who on several occasions has told me private things about other neighbors, and they’re always negative. She claims she is very honest, but it just sounds like gossip to me. I try changing the subject, but she always returns. Should I tell her what gossiping and honesty are not the same thing? Truth Or Consequences

Dear Truth: Nope, but be assured she is talking about you behind your back, too, so be careful what you say to her. Keep all conversations centered on recipes, lawn care, and pet grooming. Do not stray from these subjects.

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Girlfriend Therapy “Tell me everything.” REDBOOK’s new advice guru, Soleil Moon Frye, knows what helps when people you love bring the crazy.

Granny’s a gossip I was very close to my 65 year old grandmother until I recently found out that she was telling other family members stuff I had told her in confidence, like when I started seeing a therapist.

I’m so hurt, and I plan to say something to her, but I don’t know how. She was the one person I confided in, and now I’ll never trust her again. How do I handle the betrayal? K.E.

Ms. Frye: Be gentle and approach her from a place of love. My guess is there’s a generational gap happening here and your grandmother was just trying to help.

I have people in my life who I know genuinely love me, but they don’t always know the right things to do or say in difficult situations.

So get some time alone with your grandmother to explain your disappointment, but don’t go into the conversation expecting to change her.

Hearing her out will help shed some light on the situation. If she’s never betrayed you like this before, she probably has a good explanation for it. www.redbook.com/soleil

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Ask AIma: I Am Featured In Pastor’s Sermons

Dear Alma: I’m not sure how to handle this problem. My sister in law is a pastor of the church our family attends. I often confide in her because we’re friends and she’s easy to talk to. She always gives me sound advice and I appreciate that. But the problem is, she’s always using my business in her sermons, and I don’t like that. What should I do? C.B.

Hey now C.B: You e-mailed this to a PK (Preacher’s Kid), for God’s sake. My father, Rev. Ulysses Martin, was a Baptist preacher for more than 30 years. When it came to his sermons, he knew that we were off limits under any and all circumstances; my mother made that clear. I mentioned this to let you know that I have some familiarity with your circumstances. I’ll start by telling the truth and shaming the devil. LOL.

My first reaction was: Whaaaat? Oh no she didn’t! But since we’re talking about a minister, I should ease up and give her the benefit of the doubt. Is there a possibility that she sees your discussions as casual conversation? She may not know she’s offending you. Where do these discussions take place? Are you at church in the pastor’s study or driving in the car to the mall? Depending on where you are would explain how she comprehends what’s said. OK, I know I’m stretching it, but stay with me for a minute.

She could easily be having a conversation with her SIL, while you’re having a conversation with your pastor. The roles need to be established. Either way, you’re entitled to your privacy, and you should not be exposed to “shout outs” from the pulpit. It’s time to nip this and bring your concerns to her attention. Don’t do it during the sermon, girl, while you’re sitting in the congregation. LOL.

Here’s what you do: The next time yawl are caring and sharing, ask her specifically not to use your situation in her “say no to sins” parable. Tell her you expect her to keep your conversations confidential. Don’t tiptoe through this prickly conversation; be firm. She should understand exactly where you’re coming from. After your discussion, if things don’t change, I’d suggest you seek new pastoral counseling. [email protected]

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Ask Gwendolyn Why Do Women Gossip So Much?

Dear Gwendolyn: I was at a restaurant two weeks ago and there was a lady sitting next to my booth talking on her cell phone. I did not purposely listen, but could not avoid it because she was talking loudly.

The lady was on the phone when I was seated and she was still on the phone when I left, which was about 45 minutes later. I don’t know who was on the other end of the call, but I do know the conversation was all gossip.

Gwendolyn, it was obvious that someone she knew was on Face book announcing their engagement. The lady constantly talked about the person he was engaged to marry. She said that the girl was fat and always had hated her. She said she was going to call the man and tell him he should not marry.

He had been separated from his fiancée for about 10 to 15 years. She had moved out of the country and they lost contact. According to the lady on the phone, she commented “There is no way he can still be in love with her after not seeing her for years.” She said, “No way! No way at all!” Amelia

Dear Amelia: You could not be anymore wrong than that. First of all, true love never dies. Also, people who love and lose are able to move forward with their lives --- but that little sparkle lies dominant around the area of the heart.

Or, one could say it lies within the walls of the brain making the memory of the person whom they cherished never to be erased.

Now, as to the question of why women gossip, they do so within the confines of their character. I have heard women state it is “a woman’s nature to gossip.”

Let me tell you this: women who gossip are just basically small minded. So, Amelia, it is not justifiable to believe women gossip out of being a woman. Think about it. They gossip out of ignorance. www.gwenbaines@hotmailcom

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Ask Gwendolyn Constant Gossiping Makes Her Feel Stupid

Dear Gwendolyn: I will call myself ‘no name’ because I don’t want other people I know to recognize that this is coming from me.

This is the problem: I am in a social club and recently they made a new rule. Because of the fierce gossiping, we now all leave the gathering at the same time. This is fine with me because I know and have been told by fellow members of the club, that I am talked about when I leave. I like the rule.

Gwendolyn, not only people in the club talk about me, my co-workers, friends and even relatives seem to dislike me. It has now gotten to the point where each day I walk around feeling stupid. No Name

Dear No Name: Several times you have written to me --- using different names, but it’s you. I know it’s you. My advice cannot help because you like feeling down. That’s how some people are. However, let me tell you this: You do, indeed, have a problem but the solution is clear.

The only way you can overcome the hurdles of life is to love yourself. In your own words you said, “I feel stupid.” I now have a question for you. Why would you associate with people who make you feel like nothing?

Why would you think club members leaving together will keep them from gossiping? Think about it. All they would do is go home and get on the telephone and gossip.

Also, when at work, say only what needs to be said regarding work related issues --- and for others (even relatives) say little or nothing at all.

No Name, never allow anyone to make you feel less than the person you know you are. Always hold your head high and walk with pride.

If you allow this to continue, then you soon need to come to the realization that --- you are stupid. www.gwenbaines@hotmailcom

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Reference Materials: Pleasers vs. Predators

Book: Call Her Miss Ross By: J. Randy Taraborrelli

Book: Men Cry In The Dark By: Michael Baisden

Book: Never Satisfied: How And Why Men Cheat By: Michael Baisden

Book: Miss Manners’ Guide To Excruciatingly Correct Behavior By: Judith Martin

Book: One Drop: My Father’s Hidden Life --- A Story Of Race And Family Secrets By: Bliss Broyard

Book: Rules 11 By: Ellen Fein & Sherrie Schneider

Book: Scam Proof Your Life By: Sid Kirchheimer

Book: The Webster’s New World Dictionary

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Reference Materials: Pleasers vs. Predators

AARP Bulletin

AARP the Magazine Cosmopolitan Ebony

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Us Weekly

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Dr. Phil Show: November 30th, 2012 How To Catch A Catfish www.dr.phil

Inside E Street www.aarp.org/tv

Jean Mathiesen director of AARP's Fraud Fighter 800-646-2283

National Association Of Securities Dealers

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Book: Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man By: Steve Harvey

Book: Become Your Own Matchmaker By: Patti Stanger with Lisa Johnson Mandell

Book: Faith Under Fire: Betrayed By A Thing Called Love By: LaJoyce Brookshire

Book: He’s Just Not That Into You By: Greg Behrendt & Liz Tuccillo

Book: Hooking Up: A Girl's All Out Guide To Sex & Sexuality By: Amber Madison

Book: Legal Q & A By: Reader’s Digest

Book: Living Well Despite Catching Hell By: Melody T. McCloud

Book: 100 Questions About Love & Relationships By: Dr. Barbara DeAngelis

Book: Tell Me All About It By: Jeffrey Zaslow

Book: The Boyfriend Test By: Wendy L. Walsh

Book: The Diva Principle By: Michelle McKinney Hammond

Book: Wake Up And Smell The Coffee By: Ann Landers

Book: Why Hasn’t He Called? By: Matt Titus & Tamsen Fadal

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Reference Materials: The Difference Between Love And Sex

Buckeyes Behind Bars Ebony Essence Midwest Urban Briefs

New York Times columnist Frank Bruni Redbook

San Francisco Chronicle Seventeen Sister2Sister

The Blade The Observer columnist Tobias Jones The Register The Toledo Journal Toledo City Paper

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ABC News special on Amanda Knox American Journal Of Public Health

Association Of Reproductive Health Professionals medical director Beth Jordan MD

Centers For Disease Control And Prevention HLN anchor; Nancy Grace Hilda Hutcherson MD Ob/Gyn professor at Columbia University in NYC

MAC AIDS Fund www.maccosmetics.com/vivaglam

Adelaide Nardone MD Gynecologist in New York City

OraQuick www.oraquick.com

University Of South Carolina www.whatsworthknowing.com/women

Tamara M.B. Williams, Psy.D. professor of psychology at Hampton University.

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Book: Be Good: How To Navigate The Ethics Of Everything. By: Randy Cohen

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Book: Dare To Live Without Limits By: Bryan Golden

Book: Duels And Duets: Why Men And Women Talk So Differently. By: John L. Locke

Book: Having It All By: Helen Gurley Brown

Book: How Do I Get Him Back By: Bob Grant

Book: How To Get Out Of Your Own Way By: Tyrese Gibson

Book: 100 Questions About Love & Relationships By: Dr. Barbara DeAngelis

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Reference Materials: You’re In The Spotlight For All The Wrong Reasons

Guideposts

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Marie Claire Reader’s Digest Redbook

Seventeen www.seventeen.com/hookup Sister2Sister

The Blade The New York Times Magazine columnist Randy Cohen The Press The Register The Toledo Journal Toledo Parent

USA Today

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Albright College in Readings, Pa.

Sally D. Farley, social psychologist

Tim Hallett, Ph.D. Indiana University

Northeastern University and UC Davis Novartis Pharmaceuticals Corporation

Oklahoma State University

UC Davis

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