ruises onon thethe fruitfruit B A BRIEF HISTORY OF NIRVANA & THE EVOLUTION OF THEIR MUSIC

by Gary Vehar

From the moment Nirvana’s landmark CD Nevermind was released, the world of rock music has never been the same. I for one will always be thankful that that album came out when it did, slightly over a week before my eighteenth birthday. I was a still-wet-behind-the-ears college freshman, away from home for the first time. Just as my life was changing drastically, so was the culture. Music, politics, fashion and art underwent an enormous change as the 90’s sloughed off the last vestiges of the 80’s. Concealed as I was in the quiet town of Ellensburg, Washington, within the tiny confines of my third-floor door room, it was the change in musical guard that first caught my attention. Friends from Seattle regularly brought over dubbed tapes to share with those of us here in college, and among one batch was an advance tape for a band called Nirvana. Nevermind was already causing excitement before its official release of September 24th, 1991. Leaving my friends for the night, I couldn’t get the songs, the sounds, out of my head. About a week later I was in yet another dorm room, listening to a brutish lout rave about the same album. Even at this early date it was obvious Nirvana was crossing all boundaries, even if the fellow who owned this copy (the real CD, this time) made fun of the over-the-top screams that so captivated me. I studied the CD booklet, memorizing the pertinent info for a later date. That time came a little over a week later. Armed with my birthday swag, I proceeded at once to the local record store to purchase my copy. CD’s in those days still came in long cardboard boxes, and I walked home studying the track list on the back. I was confident that this would be yet another alt-punk-metal release, with one excellent radio-friendly song (“Smells Like Teen Spirit”) and a number of lesser album tracks– I had yet to hear the whole album. Upon playing the whole album I was pleasantly surprised to find that each track was just as powerful as the last. Repeated listenings soon had me hooked; that album became a part of me, and I was just as much a part of it. I will always remember my college days, with “Teen Spirit” blasting out of my stereo, and my hippie neighbors (in a band called Paisley Schoolbus, no less) banging futilely on the walls. Nevermind was everything I had always been looking for in music, without knowing it: punk-tinged pop, hard rock, grunge and metal mixed with generous helpings of angst, longing, vulnerability, and anger. The music had the unerring ability to do exactly what the band wanted it to, to be exactly what it was wanted to be– a rare gift that few other bands had at their command. 2 Having said that, let’s move on to examine the music’s primordial roots, shall we? The band as we know it formed in 1987, with Kurt as guitarist/vocalist, and Chris Novoselic on bass, changing band names and drummers as it suited them. Twenty-year-old Kurt Cobain already showed a remarkable talent for music. Witness the off-the-cuff solos Kurt throws about during a house party gig caught on tape and known simply as the 87 House Party, and later on at a 1988 Hoquiam, WA, show. This was the result of a lifetime of backwoods Aerosmith/Zeppelin absorption, later tempered and suppressed when Kurt was bitten by the Punk Rock bug. At this point Kurt had such songs as “Downer”, “Spank Thru” and “If You Must” written, offsetting the Zeppelin jams “Heartbreaker” and “How Many More Times.” Even though the band was still very young, the 87 House Party recording shows Kurt’s original songs as striking and very distinct from one another, and the performance is a strong one. Some time before that, in April of 1987, the band recorded a session for Olympia’s KAOS radio station. It would be the start of Nirvana’s association with the Olympian scene, spearheaded by Calvin Johnson’s K records and his flagship band Beat Happening. During that session, which can be found on Outcesticide 5, the band recorded nine songs with drummer Aaron Burkhardt. Six would end up re-recorded on the 1/88 Reciprocal demo; of the remainder, two were cover songs and the final, “Anorexorcist,” was an original song never formally recorded anywhere else. The covers, “White Lace and Strange” by Thunder and Roses and “Love Buzz” by Shocking Blue (of “Venus” fame), show a band picking their covers with an ironic– and unusually tasteful– sense of humor. This session became the band’s first informal demo, sent to any and every label they could think of. The tapes received nary a response. The decision to cover “Love Buzz” was perhaps the most crucial choice the band could have made at this early stage in their career. Though Kurt may have agreed to perform it to humor Chris, who was always the hippie of the band, “Love Buzz” was the one song on the tape that caught the attention of Sup Pop, leading to their first single as a recording band. The Reciprocal demo established the band in Sub Pop’s eyes, but it was only “Love Buzz” that warranted a single at that point. Unfortunately, the KAOS show and the 87 House Party bootleg are the only aural documents we have from 1987 so far, but they show a band slowly establishing themselves on the fringe of the Northwest scene. It’s important to note that Nirvana was never really a part of the Seattle scene. Their homebase in the early years was Tacoma, WA, and then Olympia. The band played Seattle often enough, but sonically (at this early point, at least) and ideologically the band belonged to the naive, do-it-yourself movement that was uniquely Olympian in origin. The first major event of 1988 is obviously the Crover demo, recorded at Reciprocal Studios on January 23rd, so-called because Melvins drummer Dale Crover sat in until a permanent replacement could be found. At times mock-pop (“Spank Thru”), noisy belligerence (“Beeswax,” “Hairspray Queen”) and pure underground rock (“Aero Zeppelin” & “Floyd the Barber”), the demo established the band (named Ted Ed Fred, but soon to become Nirvana) as an original presence in Seattle’s own backyard. The lyrics are often hard to discern, and even when written down can be indecipherable at times. Lyrical ambiguity would be the major identifying trait in Kurt’s music for the rest of his career. Ted Ed Fred played a set at the Community World Theater in Tacoma the night of the Reciprocal recording. The bulk of the set consisted of the ten songs recorded earlier that day, in the exact same order. “Hairspray Queen” had to be stopped and redone towards the end of the set, owing to a broken bass string. Two more songs were played that night; one, another version of “Anorexorcist,” the other possibly called “Raunchola,” after a title mentioned in the band’s biography Come As You Are. The finale was a raucous attempt at Led Zep’s “Moby Dick.” It is rumored that had the tape not run out during the day’s recording (in the middle of “Pen Cap Chew”), the band would also have cut “Anorexorcist” and “Raunchola.” Their position towards the end of the set bears this out, but the loss is not so great. Both songs, even allowing for the rough quality of the bootleg, are cruder than the rest of the Crover demo, neither as memorable nor distinct. 3 Sometime after this show, the band settled on the name that would come to define them (and cause them some grief in the future from no less than two other bands of the same name), Nirvana. The name derives from the Hindu concept of total bliss after death, but it is interesting to note its usage as the chorus in the creepy, lurching “Paper Cuts.” Is it possible Kurt simply cribbed the line from this song, then came up with the explanation, as he took the title Nevermind from “Teen Spirit”’s third verse? Knowing the band’s history of acting on an impulse, it is certainly plausible; Kurt could have appropriated the name in order to have something to place on the fliers for an upcoming show– and then found that the name appealed to his love of the innocent and the beautiful. Chad Channing joined the band sometime in May of 1989, playing his first show with the band in June. Nirvana’s dynamic changed subtly with his addition; whether it was a coincidence or whether Chad exerted that much influence on Nirvana is unknown. With Chad, the songs became simpler and more direct, getting from A to B with more of a groove. Songs like “School” and “Mr. Moustache” (especially the drop D-tuned version of this song) are but one step above the material on the Crover demo, but it is a large step in terms of execution and attitude. Not a second of “School” is wasted; its churning verse riff and clever chorus propel the song inevitably forward to its urgent conclusion. The solo is an improvisational blues affair that starts out intentionally awkward, then straightens itself out, conveying the listener from lofty heights back down to the rumbling bass line for a muted, rapidly building crescendo during the song’s bridge. Upon Chad’s joining Nirvana began to embrace the punk/seventies rock hybrid that the rest of the Sub Pop stable had already adopted, and Kurt’s music blossomed as he wrote real songs as opposed to the purposely obtuse material he had been creating. “About A Girl” was written at this time, and it followed the rough blueprint of “Spank Thru”: strummed chords, Beatlesque melodies, and a distorted final half. “About A Girl” was catchier, much different than the heavier material that would appear on their first album. It’s much sweeter and more memorable than “Spank Thru,” but the band would retool the latter to a very close second at the band’s first recording session for Sub Pop. Shortly after Chad’s first shows with the band, the band entered Reciprocal Studios once more, only this time Sub Pop was picking up the tab. The label had insisted on “Love Buzz” as the single, and Nirvana protested with good reason. Kurt had always placed a premium on writing original material, only to have the label pick a novelty cover as their public debut. Being in absolutely no position to argue, Nirvana agreed to record “Love Buzz,” with the B-side at this point up for grabs. As it turns out, Sub Pop was absolutely right in their decision. “Love Buzz” caused an immediate sensation upon its release, both in the Northwest and as far away as the UK, whose music press Sub Pop was avidly courting. Of the four songs recorded at this session, three would find release on various formats. “Love Buzz” loses much of the Eastern flavor that characterized the original version, in exchange for a stripped-down garage attack. All but the first verse of the song’s lyrics are deleted, the wording changed to reflect the gender of the singer. Much as Slayer changed the lyrics of “Inna-Gadda-Da-Vida” from “Don’t you know that I love you” to Don’t you know that I want you”, Kurt changed the intent of the chorus with “Can you hear my love buzz?” becoming “Can you feel my love buzz?” Chris’s bass is tree-trunk thick yet nimble as a deer, propelling the song forward with its insistent melody. Chad’s drumming is simple but direct, a thumping beat that underscores Kurt’s stinging rhythm guitar. “Big Cheese” has the same drunken majesty of Crover-era songs like “Paper Cuts” but also boasted the big rock sound heard on Bleach. The structure was an intricately plotted affair over which Kurt sang lyrics lambasting the Sub 4 Pop Big Cheese himself, Jonathan Poneman. Still smarting over the label’s decision to go with “Love Buzz,” Kurt wrote the song’s lyrics to depict its narrator chafing under an overbearing authority, among other things. “Spank Thru” lost the stilted quality the Crover version had, with Chad’s beats paving a much smoother path for the listener to follow. The song begins as a relatively straight-forward ballad, with the A-G-D chord progression evoking the pop classics of the sixties. “Spank Thru” quickly descends into darker waters, however, boasting a freakout solo and a distorted, darting chorus riff. From clichéd lyrics about love and happiness (“And the flowers sing in D minor/ and the birds fly happily”) to ominous boasts of Kurt’s masturbation skills, “Spank Thru” was quite a clever parody for such a young songwriter. Even producer Jack Endino got into the act, adding deep background vocals to heighten the fun. “Spank Thru” was so good it ended up being Nirvana’s contribution to the Sub Pop 200 compilation, easily standing out among such established peers as Mudhoney, The Walkabouts, Soundgarden and Green River. The final song recorded at the Love Buzz session was “Blandest.” Michael Azerrad described the song in his book Come As You Are as sporting “a fairly embarrassing Robert Plant-like falsetto wail.” When this song began circulating among bootleggers, there could be no mistaking its identity. “Blandest” was supposed to be the B-side to “Love Buzz,” but as it was not as fully realized as “Big Cheese” it was scrapped. The chorus was an awkward affair, the guitar mirroring Kurt’s vocal melody, which wasn’t that agreeable to begin with. The band sensed the song was lacking, and had Endino wipe the tape when they were through, assuming they would re-record it another day. Of course, they never did get around to it again, so no master tape of the song currently exists. Bootlegged versions are probably sourced from cassettes given to the band and then given to friends. It can only be hoped that “Blandest” can be lifted off of one of these tapes and digitally punched up for the upcoming box set. The song, though not one of Nirvana’s best, is entirely worthy of a box set release for which only fans of Nirvana will buy anyway. The songs from this session were recorded shortly after Chad’s addition to the band. Their performance shows a young band still learning how to work together, but Kurt’s overriding vision more than compensates for the lack of experience. His music was already confident and sophisticated, if deliberately abrasive and challenging. The band’s style is already in place, though still in need of reinforcement. Unlike most other bands of the day, writing songs because that’s what bands do, Kurt was a songwriter, putting himself in every chord and every vocal phrasing. Even on the band’s debut single Nirvana’s presence is undeniable. Love Buzz would be released in October of 1988, as the inaugural release in Sub Pop’s new Single of the Month Club. Subscribers paid a certain amount to receive a single each month in the mail, ensuring a certain collectability on each limited release. The problem was, Nirvana could not afford a limited release. Although in time copies of their debut single would be worth hundreds of dollar each, for the immediate future it meant that only 1000 people worldwide would ever hear their work. Fortunately, the single found its way into the right hands. It would be six months before the band went back to Reciprocal to record their debut album, Bleach. The band kept busy writing and demoing work that would eventually become public upon the band’s demise. For the purpose of this essay we will take a collective look at the demos recorded throughout 1987 and 1988 before examining Bleach. Recording demos at home would be a career-long habit for Kurt; Courty claims to have in her possession over a hundred tapes Kurt made before and during his time in Nirvana. First, there was a three-song demo mentioned in the band’s early bios. This consisted of three acoustic numbers, “Cracker,” “Seed,” and “Sad.” These songs are early versions of “Polly,” “Sappy” and another mysterious song. “Polly” is very similar to later recorded versions. Unlike most of his songs, Kurt had the lyrics for “Polly” very early on, and didn’t 5 change very much. “Sappy” is a revelation. Besides being acoustic, the music has only the barest of connections to later versions, and the lyrics deal much more with religion: “And if you say your prayers / you will make God happy...” The third song, also known by the bootlegger names “Misery Loves Company” and “Spectre,” has never been released in any other version. With no guitar, Kurt sings, or rather recites, his poetry over an intermittent, discordant bass and a beat kept by banging occasionally on what sounds like a box. This demo could be the one referred to in Come As You Are as the four-song demo Sub Pop rejected as being too “retarded.” If so, the fourth song would have been “Beans,” which definitely was retarded. Lyrics such as “Beans, beans, beans / Jackie ate some beans / and he was happy, happy, happy that he ate some... beans” were bad enough, but Kurt sped the vocals up until they made the Chipmunks sound normal. Also from this pre-Bleach era is an acoustic home demo of “About A Girl.” Musically, it’s similar to the released version, but with radically different lyrics. The song opens with Kurt singing the “I do, I do” background parts, then singing “Don’t pin a note to me / I do promise to agree...” The melody is already fully established, but there’s no solo; perhaps Kurt just wanted to get his ideas down on tape for the moment, knowing he would come up with something later. “Clean Up Before She Comes” was mentioned by Courtney as one of the really good songs left behind after Kurt’s passing. This version features Kurt’s vocals doubled, with each track containing a different lyric. It’s the only example of Kurt’s ever attempting this type of musical technique, and probably the reason why it was never attempted live. Musically, the song sounds nothing like the songs that appeared on Nirvana’s Sup Pop releases at the time; its picked riff sounds extremely close to Polly Jean Harvey’s early 90’s material. “Black & White Blues” does not sound like Kurt at all. In fact, many believed this acoustic instrumental was someone else’s altogether, because it’s a charming little blues number, much like Leadbelly would have played some seventy years before. It’s not Kurt’s style, and there were no vocals– there was nothing to distinguish it as having any link to a member of Nirvana. The matter was solved when a bootleg of the 2/14/90 show in San Francisco reveals Kurt jamming on this song. Although we can now say with certainty that Kurt was playing the song, we still do not know if he wrote it himself or if it was a Leadbelly cover (or written by some other blues musician). Even the name is unclear, as “Black & White Blues” appears to be another bootlegger’s inspiration. A short song known as “Bambi Slaughter” appears on most bootlegs alongside the previous three. Not much is known of it, though it is generally thought to be a song originally appearing on Kurt’s Fecal Matter tape. Like “Spectre,” “Bambi Slaughter” features bass-and-cardboard box antics, but this song is more conventional than the former. But for the lack of guitar, it sounds similar to other songs from this early period in Kurt’s music. One more project must be mentioned. Not a song per se, “Montage of Heck” was a collection of random sounds, songs, TV commercials, and pieces of music spliced together to form a collage of up to 45 minutes in length. The musical equivalent of William S. Burrough’s cut-up techniques, in which pieces of prose were randomly cut up and pieced together again to form a new result, “Montage of Heck” contained elements as diverse as Led Zeppelin, snatches from the animated The Hobbit, Metallica cover “Last Caress”, George Michael and various sound effects. Of interest are Nirvana compositions “Help Me” and “The Landlord is a Piece of Shit From Hell” (with Chris singing) concealed within the various versions circulating. A snippet from these sonic collages was placed towards the beginning of the single version of “Love Buzz.” It was originally forty-five seconds in length; perhaps wisely, Sup Pop decided on trimming it down to about seven seconds, angering Kurt even further. For all subsequent releases of the song the collage was left off completely. On Christmas Eve, 1988, Nirvana returned to Reciprocal Studios to record their debut album Bleach. The band suffered one false start, recording several versions of songs not used. “Blew” features different lyrics and an ineffectual solo 6 quite unlike the final superior version. “Mr. Moustache” featured nonsense lyrics and a spoken contribution by Chris at the coda, admiring the subject’s tractor hat collection; the band was clearly having fun with this session, knowing these takes would be scrapped. An instrumental version of “Sifting” is also circulating, slightly faster than the final version. “Floyd the Barber” was attempted once more, but Chad’s version was shelved in favor of the Crover demo version. It appears on Bleach in a remixed form, the first of three songs rescued from their session with Dale (“Downer” appeared later on the CD version). The second song, “Paper Cuts,” was not attempted with Chad. Perhaps they didn’t want to attempt to recreate the strong mood evoked on the original. It’s also possible they wanted to cut down on studio time/fees. Backing vocals only were recorded at this time, and added when the demo was remixed for the album. The songs from the Love Buzz single were added to bolster the album’s running time– and to allow more people a chance to hear their debut single. With these songs, plus the Crover songs, the much-touted feat of recording the album in three days for a little over six hundred dollars may seem a little disingenuous. But when taking into account the three discarded songs from the first session, the unused version of “Floyd” and a rather lengthy outtake called “Big Long Now,” it could be said that their original boast was too modest. Bleach is an incredible effort for an independent band’s debut; it may very well be one of the most underrated albums ever released. Consider the rest of the bands that had access to the same resources; Sub Pop band or not, no other band came close to matching Bleach’s presence– including Mudhoney, who were a close second, and Soundgarden, who would go on to much better things. Endino’s bare-bones recording process played an important part, but Kurt’s economic, memorable music makes listening to Bleach an incredibly stimulating experience. One cannot listen to Bleach without getting caught up in its incessant grooves. Bleach’s uniquely claustrophobic sound can be attributed to the collective illness of the bandmembers as they supervised the album’s mixing. With a recording budget of just over six hundred dollars, they did amazingly well. The songs sound both dense and dirty; at times it seems as if the tape has been deliberately slowed down, even though the band isn’t necessarily playing slow. Kurt’s screams sound as if they were recorded in a closet (perhaps the same closet featured in “Paper Cuts?”). Rather than being detrimental to the album’s success, Bleach’s low budget and miniscule budget created a unique atmosphere that’s somewhat missing from Nevermind, but eventually regained with In Utero. It’s interesting to note the themes of inbred smalltown life; a life of swap meets (“Swap Meet”), rejection by authorities (“Sifting”), rejection of authorities (“Big Cheese”), rejection of the social system (“School”), maternal/paternal rejection (“Scoff”), claustrophobic paranoia (“Blew” & “Floyd...”) and dysfunctional relationships (“About A Girl”). It must be noted that the Crover songs that most conformed to these underlying themes were the ones added to the album’s lineup. The most remarkable thing about these lyrics as a whole is how personal they are. Nearly every other band at the time (nationally as well as in Seattle) was writing objectively about a myriad of different subjects, none of them especially personal or self-confessional. Even through the roadblock of incomprehensibility Kurt sometimes threw up (see “Sifting”), every song seemed to be a revelation about himself. A high-school dropout, kicked out his house by his own mother, branded a troublemaker by his peers and the adults who came into contact with him, Kurt nevertheless managed to make his personal trouble and pain universal. With abstract lyrics that anybody could read anything into, Kurt bridged the gap between artist and listener. The listener’s interpretations made the lyrics all the more personal; we became him, and he us. Quite a feat for a scruffily dressed loner from the dreary backwoods of Aberdeen. 7 Nirvana was gaining a name for themselves outside of Seattle. They played parties at Evergreen State College to great effect, and it was here the tradition of instrument smashing began. Sets of this time included an even mix of songs from the Crover demo and the upcoming Bleach album. “Big Long Now” graced the set of at least one of these dorm shows, but would not make the cut for Bleach. Recorded with the rest of the album, “Big Long Now” was a slow, quieter number akin to “Sifting.” Both songs clock in at over five minutes, and to have two such ponderous songs on Bleach would have slowed that album’s momentum considerably. Bleach’s release was mired in red tape until the following summer. Nirvana kept busy playing select Northwest dates, venturing as far as California for a week’s worth of shows in February. A week after their final date in San Francisco, the band played a show at the HUB Ballroom at the University of Washington in Seattle. This was the first date to feature second guitarist Jason Everman. His link to Nirvana is both intimate and remote. A childhood friend of Chad Channing, it was Jason who bankrolled the recording of Bleach. In gratitude, he was credited as guitarist on the album though he didn’t play a note. Jason was seen to be an integral part of the band; Sub Pop would place posters within the vinyl release of Bleach that prominently featured Jason, ironic given his nonexistent role in that album’s conception. He also appears on the album cover, courtesy of a photograph taken by Kurt’s girlfriend Tracy Marander. In many ways, Jason was not a part of the band. His background was far more metal-influenced than Kurt or Chris was comfortable with, and his cock-rock impersonations on stage began to give people the wrong idea about the band. Jason ran with a different crowd as well, and his aloofness on tour would soon cause problems. Sometime after Jason’s addition and before their first U.S. tour in June, Nirvana entered the studio again, albeit as the school project of an Evergreen State College student. The band recorded “Do You Love Me?” for the Hard to Believe Kiss tribute album on C/Z Records, as well as an early version of “Dive.” As “Dive” remains unreleased, “Do You Love Me?” is the only official Nirvana release featuring Jason. The recording’s muddy sound makes it almost impossible to pick out Jason’s part, but then again the song wasn’t a serious effort on the band’s part anyway. The quality is so bad it sounds almost like a live bootleg. Chris turns in another nerdy monologue in falsetto, further demonstrating the band’s scorn for the whole project. For once, it is the other bands on the compilation that make Hard to Believe worthwhile, not Nirvana. Bleach was finally released in June, just as Nirvana began their first U.S. tour. Once more the band piled into the van and ventured down the West Coast into California. From there they crossed the Southwest and ventured up into Wisconsin and Minnesota for a couple of dates before reaching Chicago. Although Bleach barely made a splash in the independent music scene, Nirvana found themselves gaining in popularity as they traveled East. This good news was offset by the tensions Jason was causing and all four members’ refusal to acknowledge any problems. The tour continued on into Pennsylvania. Their July 12th show in Philadelphia at JC Dobbs is a typical example of the setlist of this tour, with one startling exception. At this time, shows invariably started with “School,” then segued into “Floyd the Barber” and “Love Buzz.” Until Bleach appeared, Nirvana made sure to spotlight “Love Buzz,” “Big Cheese” and “Spank Thru,” their only official releases. Afterward, these songs took a backseat (except for “Love Buzz,” always a crowd favorite) to album cuts such as “School” and “About A Girl.” The set continued with “Scoff,” “About A Girl,” “Spank Thru,” “Paper Cuts,” “Mr. Moustache,” “Big Cheese,” “Polly,” “Sifting,” “Blandest,” “Dive,” “Negative Creep” and set closer “Blew.” After this tour, the heavier and slower numbers like “Paper Cuts” and “Sifting” would be dropped from the set in favor of newer material. “Dive” was debuted in Washington before the U.S. tour began. “Polly” was performed in a new electric version, and together with “Dive” would be performed at nearly every show for the rest 8 of the year. The exception that makes this show unique is the performance of “Blandest.” Although probably performed at early, uncirculated 1988 shows, this is the only recorded live occurrence we have of this elusive, lost song. The tour continued to the East Coast, through New Jersey and Maryland and ending in New York City. The Pyramid Club was the band’s last show with Jason. Fed up with his behavior, the band abruptly cancelled the rest of the tour and headed straight back home, never mentioning that Jason was out of the band. Jason may have encouraged their reaction once he realized that Nirvana was Kurt and Chris’s show; Chad and he were merely hired guns. After his departure from Nirvana, Jason went on to join Soundgarden. He appeared in videos and in promotional pictures but never actually recorded with the band, being booted in favor of Ben Shepherd, coincidentally also a candidate for membership in Nirvana. From there Jason joined Mindfunk, an alt-metal band, and then joined the truly bizarre Old Lady Drivers, a grindcore band signed to Earache Records, home of such bands as Napalm Death and Carcass. As Nirvana recovered from this change in the lineup, Kurt and Chris hooked up with The Screaming Trees’ Mark Lanegan and Mark Pickerel to form a side project called the Jury. As the story goes, the group raved with drunken enthusiasm about the songs they had come up with, immediately booking time with Jack Endino to record them. Apparently, sobriety also brought the realization that their erstwhile masterpieces were either forgotten or not so masterful in the first place. The four quickly decided to use the time recording Leadbelly covers and Leadbelly-esque songs. I interviewed Mark Pickerel in 1992, for a paper on the Seattle Music Scene. I was surprised to say the least when he apprised me of the existence of the Jury, and that together they had recorded up to four songs, though not all at the same session. Two ended up on Mark Lanegan’s The Winding Sheet, “Down in the Dark” (Kurt recorded his portion that December) and “Where Did You Sleep Last Night?.” Also recorded were two unreleased songs, “Ain’t It A Shame” and “Grey Goose.” Nirvana would debut “Where Did You...” themselves at their 11/29/89 Switzerland show, but this session was Kurt’s first recorded experience with the song. It is not the purpose of this essay to discuss Nirvana members’ side projects, but since Kurt would perform the song right up until his death, his experience with the blues in The Jury should be noted. Reduced to a trio, Nirvana quietly regrouped and emerged in September stronger than ever. The band entered The Music Source in Seattle to record B-sides for their next release, the Blew EP. Blew itself was ostensibly the first and only single culled from Bleach, yet as the first major recording session since the previous December, these songs almost merit release as stand-alone songs, instead of the B-sides they became. Of the five songs recorded on this day with Steve Fisk, two were officially released; the remaining songs were to find gradual release on the bootleg traders’ circuit. Blew contained the title song and “Love Buzz” (released for the third consecutive time, on the Love Buzz single, Bleach (Tupelo Records version), and now Blew) as well as new songs “Been A Son” and “Stain.” These new songs were very catchy, yet imbued with a punkish energy that made them much more vibrant than most of Bleach. Both songs sound grungy, without actually being grunge, owing to the truly horrible equipment problems the band suffered. After suffering a myriad of beatings during show finales, Nirvana’s equipment was literally falling apart. Kurt had to combine three separate guitar tracks to beef up the sound, and only duct tape kept the drums intact. The lyrics are a step forward for Kurt; “Been A Son” describes a daughter who can never measure up to her father’s disappointment in not having a son. Verse and chorus are simple and poetic, condemning the attitude but never accusatory. Chris’s unique bass solo, deliciously overpowering in the mix, is one of the catchiest solos in Nirvana’s canon. “Stain” carried on the tradition of rejection espoused in “Scoff.” In the verse Kurt sings of an abject loser plagued by bad luck, yet in the chorus reverts to the first person: “I’m a stain!” These songs represent Nirvana’s 9 first attempt at moving away from the slow thud of Bleach, a stepping stone towards the pop-punk arrangements to be found on their second album. Of interest are the songs yet to be officially released. “Even In His Youth” is identical in subject matter to “Stain,” dealing with yet another loser who disgraced the family name and shamed his father by doing nothing, going nowhere. Like “Stain,” the chorus changes to first-person. The lyrics are a literal account of Kurt’s youth, a ne’er-do-well whose artistic aspirations clashed with the working-class mentality of his parents, particularly his father. Although an intriguing song, “EIHY” is but a gangly version of the song later released on the “Smells Like Teen Spirit” single. The guitar riff is good, but the song is ruined by inept drumming, a lame solo and a weird intro that has nothing to do with the song aside from annoying the listener. As a work in progress, it was quite rightly shelved, but this early version provides a telling clue to Nirvana’s evolving music. “Polly” makes its first recorded appearance, in an electric form almost identical to the live version included on the Wishkah album. This version, too, is a rough draft unfit for release; the performance is certainly not as confident as it would become in the months ahead. “Polly,” like “Been A Son,” marked a departure in Kurt’s lyrical direction. The majority of songs until now were autobiographical in nature, or at least related to Kurt’s personal experience. “Polly” depicted the true story of a Tacoma girl who was abducted, raped and tortured. By pretending to enjoy the experience she manages to delude the rapist long enough to get away. Kurt’s account, while never graphic, is chilling with its mention of rope, blowtorches, and the narrator’s deadpan delivery. Musically, the riffs consist of four power chords, alternating between soft and loud. It was a formula Nirvana would revisit often in future songs like “Drain You,” “Teen Spirit,” and “Rape Me.” The fifth and final song was “Token Eastern Song,” named for the criticism Nirvana received about the seeming Eastern influence on their songs. The song was described in various books as unfinished, with only rough, unfinished vocals. The Nirvana trading community scored a hit in early 2001 when this song came into circulation, leaked as an mp3 before the (un)official remastered version was finished. Contrary to previous reports, “TES” sounds as finished as the other Music Source songs, certainly complete enough for inclusion on the upcoming box set. The song has elements vaguely similar to those of “Love Buzz” (i.e., the thumping drum beat), but clearly needs more work. The riffs are blunt and the chorus is somewhat awkward, as Kurt screams “Hold it in your gut!” This may have been a reference to his stomach pains, but his slurring of the words in performance led many to believe he was singing “Born in a junkyard!” This in turn led to confusion as to whether there were two songs, one named “Junkyard” and one “Token Eastern Song.” Chad Channing has confirmed the lyrics as being “Hold it in your gut!” and other sources (including the announcement of the song’s title at one show) confirm that the song is indeed “Token Eastern Song.” The song never quite gelled, and would soon be abandoned in favor of stronger material. “Token Eastern Song” featured regularly in the set for the next couple of months. Nirvana crossed the country once more, in part to make up dates cancelled due to the friction with Jason. At their Denver show on September 13th the band played all five of the Music Source songs, a remarkable occurrence because “Even In His Youth” was played but rarely as the tour wore on, then never again live after their forthcoming European tour. Along with “Dive” and “Polly,” the remainder of the set was comprised of the best moments off Bleach and their debut single. In late October Nirvana began their first European tour. This was an amazing feat for an indie band that had just released their debut single about a year before– if Sub Pop was deficient in some ways they more than made up for it in others. Nirvana obviously deserved the attention they were getting, but then again Sub Pop couldn’t afford to spend money on sending bands like Cat Butt or Swallow over to petrify the Brits. 10 Europe would prove especially grueling, especially for a band that had trouble keeping their product in the public eye. Luckily, the English had created a stir about Nirvana thanks in part to journalists like Everett True, who was deeply impressed by the trio. Starting on the 23rd, the band played a week’s worth of UK dates with a setlist roughly identical to the shows from the American leg of the tour. “Token Eastern Song” was featured prominently, earning a place in every set. “Dive” and “Polly” were in attendance, and even “Even in His Youth” showed up at their last UK date on October 30th in Norwich. Of note was the inclusion of “Sifting,” Kurt’s lengthy diatribe against the authority figures that had dismissed him as a youth. This performance marked the last live appearance of the song; as Kurt’s music changed direction, slower, heavier songs such as “Sifting” and “Paper Cuts” were abandoned. Nirvana put in an appearance on the legendary John Peel BBC radio show, a broadcast institution in England. Peel was a radio personality who regularly had promising artists record songs live in the studio for inclusion on his show. Artists as diverse as Jimi Hendrix, the Cure and Carcass have appeared on his show and have released their sessions commercially. For some reason Nirvana’s first session was never released, although later BBC appearances would appear on Incesticide. For their BBC debut Nirvana chose to perform four songs. The first two, “Love Buzz” and “Spank Thru,” were probably selected because the British public was more familiar with Love Buzz and the Sub Pop 200 than with Bleach. “About A Girl” was Nirvana at their radio-friendliest, a pop highlight from their debut album. The last song was the most interesting, an intriguing run-through of “Polly.” Played with drums and an undistorted, strummed guitar, this version of the song was an excellent compromise between the heavy electric version and the later definitive acoustic version. It captures the mood of the Nevermind version perfectly, without sacrificing the power of the earlier version. Nirvana hit the European mainland running, performing yet another radio broadcast the day after their final UK date. Straightforward versions of “About a Girl,” “Dive,” and “Love Buzz” were all recorded at VPRO Studios, and all three songs can be found on different Outcesticide releases. Nirvana alternated opening for TAD and headlining the shows, often according to the whims of a coin toss. The setlist grew accordingly, at times reaching eighteen songs in length. “Mr. Moustache” rejoined the set, at least for the first half of the tour. Also introduced on this tour was a dark, noisy song known to fans as “Help Me.” It may have been demoed privately by the band, as a snippet appears in Kurt’s sound collage “Montage of Heck,” but was never formally recorded. Musically, the verse consisted of a groove-laden bassline, over which Kurt sang such lyrics as “Cold naked man/ picked off the scabs and fed them/ to the pigeons.” With lyrics such as these, and a brutish guitar-laden chorus, the song was ensured its obscurity. A version of this song closed the set 11/8/89 show in Koln, Germany. For whatever reason Kurt’s guitar was absent, destroyed or malfunctioned, and the song is given an eerie run-through on drums and bass. As if touring a strange land was not enough, facing the language barrier and food vastly different that what they were used to, Nirvana found themselves packed into one van with TAD, the road crew, and both bands’ equipment. Sleeping accommodations were often rough, and traveling with the constantly puking Tad Doyle (TAD’s three-hundred- pound-plus frontman) did not help matters. Nirvana’s habit of trashing the equipment TAD and they themselves had to rely on only heightened tensions between the bands. On November 20th, roughly halfway through the European tour, “Mr. Moustache” and “Token Eastern Song” were both dropped in favor of a new number, an electric version of “Sappy.” The religious aspects of the song were toned down, turning the song into a harrowing account of the ultimate possessive relationship. “Sappy” would be played at least six times during the European tour, a dry run for its eventual recording back in the States. The version played at the Bloom in Mezzago, Italy on the 26th was a typical performance from this period. Unlike later versions, there are no 11 quieter moments in the song; the guitar remains distorted throughout, culminating in a rudimentary solo that is but a pale shadow of the memorable solo later heard on the officially released version. Although the lyrics are mostly finished at this point, Chad’s drums are plodding and Kurt’s playing is not as confident as it would become. A notable difference from later recordings is the absence of a third verse; instead the final chorus follows the solo to an abrupt conclusion. By the start of the next year the kinks would be worked out, but for now “Sappy” is no better in execution than “Even In His Youth” was. “Sappy” does contain revealing lyrics, as Kurt sings, “And if you kill yourself/ you will think you’re happy.” Kurt made minute changes to vary the song’s meaning every time it was recorded, but the fact remains: even at this early date he had no illusions. We know that by 1989 Kurt had entertained thoughts of suicide; he has said so in many interviews. He knew suicide could never solve one’s problems, that it was not the romantic option some people think it is– and yet he would still choose that route. Owing to the weather and food, almost everyone on the tour eventually fell sick. Kurt was particularly homesick, and every disappointment and frustration he must have felt came to a head on November 27th. At the Piper Club in Rome, Nirvana’s set began in usual fashion. Kurt’s maniacal screams, accompanied by droning feedback, opened the show. The band played the songs faster than usual, as if eager to be done with the whole business. After “Big Cheese” finishes, something happens to Kurt’s guitar, necessitating a seven-minute lapse to fix the problem. The show resumed with two more songs. During “Spank Thru” something happened again, causing Kurt to flub his lyrics. He went ballistic, destroying his guitar and proceeding to climb the enormous speakers fronting the stage. Audible on the bootleg of this show is the crowd clapping and cheering Kurt on as he threatens to jump. Sub Pop mogul Jonathan Poneman had to talk him down, then walk the volatile frontman around the venue several times to cool him off, promising Kurt the stars and the moon to get him to finish the tour. There is the view that Kurt threw what amounted to a gigantic temper tantrum. After all, everyone else on the tour was in the same boat. Bands around the world suffered similar setbacks. But Kurt seemed to take every crisis much harder than everyone else. His reaction to the Vanity Fair article (alleging his and Courtney’s heroin abuse, while she was pregnant) over two years later was a case in point. Whatever sensitivity allowed him to craft such powerful, moving music also left him unable to cope with the stresses that ordinary people could shrug off without a thought. It also caused him to react make extravagant, impulsive gestures; his attempt at jumping off the speakers in Rome (ironically, he would attempt suicide in this city again over four years later) was simply one of the more overt examples of this behavior. The final date of the European tour was back in London, playing the Sub Pop Lamefest with Mudhoney and TAD. Although the band was dissatisfied with their performance at the time, “Polly” and “Imodium” were taken from this show for the posthumous Wishkah album. With this final date, Nirvana finished the tour, albeit on a low note, and returned home in early December. Sometime during this last month of 1989, Kurt recorded the backing vocals for “Down In The Dark,” which would end up on Mark Lanegan’s solo outing, The Winding Sheet. On December 30th Chris married his longtime girlfriend Shelli. Two days later, Nirvana ushered in the New Year by engaging Jack Endino yet again to record the first studio version of “Sappy.” As this recording has yet to surface, we can only assume it sounded similar to the versions played in Europe. 12 Nirvana played up and down the West Coast during the first few months of 1990, starting in Seattle at Western Washington University’s HUB Ballroom, proceeding down through Oregon to California, Mexico and Arizona. Portland’s 2/9/90 show is of note, as the live B-sides from the Sliver CD and Nirvana’s half of their 1991 split single with the Fluid (“Molly’s Lips”) are taken from this show. Though the bootleg of the show is incomplete, the band is amazingly tight on such songs as “About A Girl” and “Spank Thru.” The equipment problems of 1989 are all but past, as the band’s stature begins to increase with every tour. “Sappy” popped up fairly regularly in the set during this period, and the new year sees it in much better form. The execution is much more sophisticated now, much closer to the version recorded two months later at Smart Studios. As Nirvana’s circumstances improved, so did Kurt’s outlook– and so did the song’s lyrics. Although Kurt would change lyrics quite often, the 2/14/90 version of “Sappy” is typical, and eliminates all overt suicidal references. The lyrics become “And if you save yourself...” in the first verse and “And if you fuck yourself...” in the second. The second verse could be taken as a suicidal reference, but it’s not as blatant as the versions sung on the European tour, instead portraying a captive lover who abases herself for her partner’s amusement. Charles Peterson photographed the band at Raji’s in Hollywood on 2/15/90. These shots became the basis for the inside photo of Bleach, with Kurt splayed across Chad’s drums, and the Sliver live photo of Kurt staggering over the remains of their equipment. They did not play “Sappy,” but two other songs from the European tour were featured. “Imodium” took its name from the diarrhea medicine Tad Doyle took on the road, and was actually an early name for “Breed.” It debuted in Denver the previous September, and popped up intermittently during their European mainland trek. By this point in 1990 the band was playing it at almost every show. “Molly’s Lips” was a cover song by The Vaselines, a favorite band of Kurt’s. The band played it fairly often, although Chad never could get the hang of the song. He kept trying, though, right up until his departure. April saw the band crossing the country again, stopping at Smart Studios in Wisconsin with the intent to record their next album. Nirvana only planned on recording seven songs, and perhaps recording more at a later date; instead, Chad’s later departure and their disenchantment with Sub Pop meant that this session would become the demo they shopped around to the major labels. The band chose Butch Vig because his work with other Sub Pop bands like TAD and the Fluid were a step above the shoestring-budget recordings of Endino. The Fluid had recorded Glue two months before at Smart, following roughly the same template that Nirvana would in April: all recording and mixing finished within a week. Vig noticed the tensions mounting within the band. At issue was Chad’s inability to match the quality of Nirvana’s new batch of songs. Chad was an excellent drummer, but his style was beginning to conflict more and more with what was demanded of the songs. “In Bloom” was clearly a step up in from Bleach in dynamics. But for Chad’s wooden drumming, the song is nearly identical to the Nevermind version. Kurt was beginning to hone his ability to write catchy pop riffs that were still heavy enough to please the underground. A video was made for this version of the song, and ended up on the Sub Pop Video Network 1 compilation. “Imodium” is a further example of just such a hybrid. Its quick, simple riff propels the song at breakneck pace. The rapidly-played verse riff would sound at home in a Chuck Berry song like “Johnny B. Goode,” while the chorus is a simple but effective segue back into the main riff. Its main theme of entrapment in the suburban dream is an extension 13 of Bleach’s cloistered small town themes, depicting a character married too young and chained to an anonymous house in the suburbs. In Kurt’s view, the house is haunted with the ghost of what might have been. “Polly” is revisited, albeit in a more subdued, acoustic mode. It is the only song from these sessions to be included on Nevermind, though Chad’s cymbal-and-bass drum accents went uncredited. Kurt’s sparse, flat guitar was a pawn shop relic bought in Denver for about thirty dollars, eschewing the glossy sound of a more expensive, professional model. Its flat delivery was perfect for this account of the rape and torture of a Tacoma kidnap victim. Told from the rapist’s point of view, it is disarmingly stark and unemotional; the details are implied rather than graphically spelled out. “Pay to Play” is the original version of “Stay Away.” The verse lyrics and melody remained the same for the most part, with only a few lines being changed when the song was recorded for Nevermind. The major change, of course, was the title/chorus. The band would debut this song in Cambridge, MA, after they resumed their US tour, but would not play it often as Kurt had trouble with the guitar parts. This was the first song to be released after Kurt’s death, on DGC Rarities, Volume 1. “Lithium” would not make its live debut until after Chad’s departure. Its structure in this early version was very similar to the final version heard on Nevermind, but the band attempted several different mixes of the song. Kurt played the intro and verses on the same acoustic guitar he used on “Polly,” dubbing in the heavy electrified chorus parts. The song’s self-medication theme (be it religion or drugs) must have fascinated Kurt, who as a child was given Ritalin (he originally wanted to call the Jury Lithium, but was outvoted). No mention of drugs is made in the song; rather, it depicts the way religion can be used as an opiate by those unable to cope with guilt or a loss. “Dive” was recorded to much greater effect than previous live versions or radio sessions. It is the one moment when Chad’s drumming style and Kurt’s music collide into pure Nirvana. The song’s heavy, plodding pop format fitted Chad perfectly, his drumming here much more streamlined and confident than his earlier attempts at the song. “Dive” was the epitome of the grunge movement, a twisted ode to love that proved Nirvana were leagues above the rest of the underground. Especially striking is the anthemic chorus, “Dive in me!”, inviting the total immersion of one lover into another. It became the B-side to Sliver, as well as the kick-off track to The Grunge Years. The last original song to be included in the demo was another version of “Sappy.” This version has been widely bootlegged, and with two versions as of yet unsurfaced, remains the best version so far. The intro and the verses are now strummed, following the soon-to-be-famous Nirvana format. The lyrics have changed again, this time the lyric being “And if you save yourself, you will make him happy.” The second verse begins, “Now if you kill yourself, you will make him happy.” The pre-chorus compares the lover in an unhealthy relationship to a neglected pet: trapped in a jar with breathing holes, covered with grass, and wallowing in its own waste due to neglect. The chorus completes the comparison: “You’re in a laundry room.” Where else would Mom let you keep it? Kurt must not have been happy with the results, as he shelved the song yet again. When heard on an excellent bootleg, the song becomes a melodic dirge with enormous presence, very moody yet very catchy. The fuzz-guitar solo complements the song perfectly, sounding improvised yet restrained at the same time. One more song was recorded, but not intended for a Nirvana release. “Here She Comes Now” ended up on the Velvet Underground tribute Heaven and Hell, Volume 1, after appearing on a split single with the Melvins. Also included on that album were tracks by the Screaming Trees and James, among others. “Here She Comes Now” is a stripped down take on the original, with an excellent mix and yet another excellent performance from Chad. 14 There is a great contrast in sound quality between properly mixed songs such as “Polly” and “Here She Comes Now” and other released songs such as “Pay to Play” and “In Bloom.” If equal attention is given to all eight songs as a whole, we can see the Smart sessions as a very powerful testament, an important stepping stone for the band between their noisy roots and their pop aspirations. Nirvana promptly resumed touring, debuting “Pay to Play” and “Here She Comes Now” at select dates. (“In Bloom” made its appearance just before recording, on April 1st in Chicago). “Lithium” would not be played until after Chad’s departure, though it was featured in a four-song video performance at Evergreen State College a few weeks prior to its studio recording. “Sappy” fell out of favor again; it would be played just once more with Chad, once with Dave later that year, and never again until 1994. Chad left, or was fired, after the tour ended in May. Turmoil surrounded the band, and the vacancy in the drummer’s position was but one facet. Between themselves, Kurt and Chris had decided to abandon Sub Pop. First, they were tired of being tagged as hicks by their own label. Sub Pop’s philosophy was that excellent, honest and passionate music was being created outside the social and cultural meccas of LA and New York. To that end they documented the music of the Northwest region, and later signed bands across the country with a similar sound and attitude. The message was that everyday, working-class people could form a decent band, and make music for the people– eliminating the need for rock stars, yet still aping their excesses, albeit sarcastically. With their typical overkill, Sub Pop took this populist notion to its illogical extreme. Somewhere along the way, Nirvana were painted as backwoods idiot savants, which offended Kurt deeply. Second, they were tired of wrestling for control over their creative output. The label had insisted their debut single be a cover song, and then truncated the collage intro Kurt had made especially for “Love Buzz.” Sub Pop was also less than impressed with some of their demos, going so far as to call some of them “retarded.” Lastly, the majors afforded a bigger distribution, and thus a steadier paycheck, that an independent like Sub Pop could never hope to promise. The band longed for a label with indie connections and a hip outlook, which Sub Pop had in spades, but ultimately the allure of getting their music heard by a wider audience won out. Kurt and Chris realized that if they were going to make the jump, they would need a much better drummer than Chad, and now the search was on for a replacement. It was perhaps the most cold-blooded decision the band ever made, firing their drummer because he wouldn’t cut it on a major. From a purely logical viewpoint, it was the best choice they could have made. By August of 1990 a 2-week West Coast tour loomed, and Dale Crover, on hiatus from the Melvins, sat in for these dates. An excellent drummer, Dale played these shows in his own loose style, which can only be termed Melvinesque. He was not playing songs he’d written, however– songs that Kurt, Chris and Chad had lived and worked with over long periods of time. Consequently, he didn’t quite fit the mold, but did an admirable job due to his talent and professionalism. “Lithium” held a prominent spot during this tour, showing the upturn Kurt’s music was taking: melodic, personal yet somehow universal, and relying more on strummed power chords than downtuned riffs. The real prize of this tour, however, is the 8/17/90 Hollywood show at the Palladium. During the soundcheck, the gem “Verse Chorus Verse” is debuted. Featuring the same dynamics and melodic strummed riffs as “Sappy” and “Lithium” (although neither song was performed on this date), “VCV” is a melodic, jangly tune featuring such lyrics as “Taking medications, ‘til my stomach’s full...” It was thought to be called “In His Hands” or “In His Room,” but these titles were simply made up by bootleggers cribbing a line from the song. The bootleg of this show is circulating widely under many different names, but the highest quality version of “VCV” can be found on Outcesticide V. Recently, another version of “Verse Chorus Verse” from the complete version of 8/19/90 has surfaced. It’s not a fantastic version, or in excellent quality, but a previously unknown version of this excellent song is always welcome. 15 Dale Crover was only a temporary solution. His first allegiance was always to the Melvins, but his contributions gave Kurt and Chris time to regroup and choose their next stopgap, Mudhoney’s Dan Peters. Dan is featured on exactly one single (actually only the A-side), and played just one show with Nirvana. Mudhoney was on hiatus at the time, and Dan might have thought his position was more permanent than it was; he could not know that Kurt and Chris were already negotiating for his replacement. An excellent drummer in his own right, Dan was closer to Crover’s quick, fluid style than the more straight-forward drumming of Chad and future drummer Dave Grohl. The Sliver 7-inch is the result of their one-time collaboration with Dan. “Sliver,” the A-side, came together quickly during rehearsals. Kurt deliberately tried to write a conventional, unambiguous lyric, and the final product shows a heavy Vaselines influence as well. The Vaselines were a Scottish group who fit very well into the Olympia scheme of things. Like Olympian archetypes Beat Happening, their songs were purposefully simple and naive, yet underneath the implied meanings of their lyrics lurked darker themes. “Sliver” falls along these lines; the narrator is a child who longs to return home after an extended stay with his grandparents, only to get his wish– and long for solitude, instead. The B-side, “Dive,” was taken from the Smart sessions, and perfectly complemented “Sliver,” despite the confusion of two different drummers. (As stated earlier, the Sliver CD single’s live tracks were tapped from the 2/9/90 show and also feature Chad.) Dan’s drumming is distinctive, especially on “Sliver’s” snare-drum fills. Dave was never able to duplicate the subtle shades his predecessor added to the song, though he made up for it in sheer power. We have one document to Dan’s tenure in the band, the 9/22/90 show at the Motor Sports International Garage. Besides being his only show, it was Nirvana’s biggest show in Seattle to date, and one very important person was in the audience: their new drummer, Dave Grohl. New material was interspersed with Bleach-era songs, culminating in the songs from Sliver. The crowd was beyond enthusiastic, with the action stopped several times because of stage divers. Dave was suitably impressed. Dave Grohl came from hardcore roots, drumming in various Washington DC bands such as Scream. His drumming was amazingly versatile and dynamic. Like Nirvana, he counted as influences hard rock bands like Led Zeppelin and punk/post-punk bands like Fugazi and the Sex Pistols. He could also sing, a plus since Chris was miserably untalented in that direction. He was also an accomplished songwriter, already at work on a solo album comprising of material such as “Marigold,” an In Utero B-side. When Scream disintegrated mid-tour, leaving Dave stranded in LA, he was introduced to Nirvana by mutual acquaintance Buzz Osborne of the Melvins. Nirvana had already been deeply impressed by his prowess, and readily agreed to an audition. Just days after the Motor Sports show, Kurt proudly announced his new drummer on the Boy Meets Girl Radio show, which Calvin Johnson helmed for Olympia’s KAOS radio station. Kurt simply phoned ahead and asked if he could drop in, and promptly did so, acoustic guitar in hand. The guitar may have simply been a prop; the on-air interview gave Kurt a platform to announce Dave’s addition without actually having to tell Dan Peters face to face. Kurt played at least two songs on air; one was “Lithium,” the second a song never recorded anywhere else: “Opinion.” A very simple song of power chords and nonsensical lyrics, it is nevertheless endearing, and a good example of Kurt’s off-the-cuff music ability. “Opinion” is perhaps the best example of Kurt’s inimitable style; there is no studio trickery to sweeten the rough edges, and no backing accompaniment to overpower his voice. A third song was also rumored to have been performed, though none of the bootlegs circulating carry it. Different sources claim it was either “D-7,” a Wipers cover, or an early version of “Dumb.” It could be either song, or another song entirely. “D-7” would be recorded a month later in the UK, and we know from interviews that “Dumb” was written during this period of time. 16 With Dave’s addition, the process of music began to run smoothly and ideas began to flow in hitherto unknown regions. It was in the next few months that the band came up with strange, abrasive numbers such as “Aneurysm” and “Oh, the Guilt.” Nirvana rehearsed intensely, both for their future album and for an upcoming October UK tour. Dave’s live debut came at the North Shore Surf Club in Olympia. The show opened with a pair of Vaselines covers, “Son of A Gun” and “Molly’s Lips.” Dave hit his snare with such force that he actually broke the snare drum head. Live favorites “About A Girl,” “Spank Thru” and “School” were featured, as well as the Smart songs “Pay to Play,” “In Bloom” and “Dive.” “Sliver” is the last original song, followed by a very rare cover of Devo’s “Turnaround.” In fact, this show is the only known performance featuring all four of the covers recorded in October. Tellingly, there aren’t any “new” original songs; Nirvana would not play a previously unheard original until their next Seattle date in November. Less than ten days later the band was back in England, ready to embark on a short five-date tour to promote Sliver, although delays kept the single from being released in the UK until much later. Before the tour kicked off, however, the band made their second appearance on the John Peel show. Unlike their first appearance, almost exactly a year before, all four songs were covers and all were eventually released. “Molly’s Lips” had been in the set for almost a year, finally getting the recording it deserved. Kurt’s version of the song consisted of exactly two chords played over and over, from beginning to end. It’s the bouncy drums that make this wistful song a success instead of a monotony. The second Vaselines number, “Son of a Gun,” was debuted by the band back in Olympia. Its innocent lyrics recalled the childlike state Kurt sought to achieve in his own life and work, while the music echoed the four-chord progressions of much of his current material. “Turnaround” was a Devo song plucked from an obscure EP. As a teenager, one of Kurt’s first musical projects was called Fecal Matter. The Fecal Matter tape, which first inspired a young Chris Novoselic to form a band with Kurt, contained the original “Turnaround.” Dave was vocal about Devo’s influence on his playing, so perhaps the song was an easy choice for all three to agree upon. With lyrics such as “Take a step outside yourself / And you turn around / Take a look at who you are / It's pretty scary / So silly / It's revolting /You're not much / You can't do anything” the song’s themes of social and personal insignificance would have appealed to the punk in all of them. Despite featuring a good approximation of Devo’s mechanical beats courtesy of Dave, the song was only played once more live, in April of the following year. The final song, “D-7,” is a Wipers cover, taken from their first LP, Is This Real? In interviews Kurt has stated that he was convinced he was an alien as a child, waiting in vain for his real parents to come rescue him from his dismal surroundings. Many Wipers songs dealt with such “Outsider” themes, and “D-7” is a case in point. Standing for “Dimension-7”, it deals with an early morning UFO sighting that quickly leads to a sinister journey to the unknown. The song starts on a slow, spooky riff, then quickly accelerates to a breakneck pace. The feedback-tinged solo and Kurt’s screams make “D-7” of their most memorable Nirvana songs ever, be it cover or original. A second mix of this song is in circulation, truncating a good portion of the song’s intro. The guitars cut out during the middle, emphasizing Dave’s monumental backbeat. From October 23rd to the 27th the band did a quick mini-tour the UK with L7, and there were major changes in the setlist. First, all five shows opened with songs usually reserved for the end of the set: “Blew,” “Been A Son,” “Negative Creep” and “Stain.” From then on it was a mixture of old and new, with “Lithium” and “Imodium” now getting heavy play as well as “Pay to Play.” Ostensibly, the tour was to promote the Sliver single, but the single ended up not being released in the UK until quite a while afterwards. Songs from their Peel Session also peppered the set, minus “Turnaround.” The final night in Nottingham proved to be the final performance of “Paper Cuts”; the band was simply outgrowing such abrasive, off-kilter songs. Billy Childish was on hand for the occasion, and closed Nirvana’s set by singing a weird little novelty song called “Donuts” with the band playing backup. 17 Nirvana returned to the States, lying low for the next month. On November 25th they reappeared, playing a striking, now-legendary show at the Off-Ramp in Seattle. The sheer number of rarities makes this show an absolute must have. The band’s confidence and excitement is clearly audible; after their set they played a rousing encore that is now the stuff of rumors, as it has yet to surface. Due to Seattle’s harsh liquor laws, at 2:00am all alcohol had to be safely tucked away before the band could resume playing. Apparently, whoever taped that night’s show left during the break, missing the encore and thus leaving the exact set list under debate. The show opened with new numbers “Aneurysm” and “Oh the Guilt.” Both songs were fairly noisy and featured stop-start dynamics, but even so they were more fluid and versatile than most of the band’s previous work with Chad and Dale. Rarities abounded, such as “Swap Meet,” a virtually ignored Bleach track, “Sappy,” “Here She Comes Now” and “D-7.” Counting the encore, all eight Smart Sessions songs were played, proving the band wasn’t going to rest on past glories. “Verse Chorus Verse” was played for the second time, a highlight for the night. This version is much more aggressive than the previous versions; inexplicably, Nirvana would only play the song live once more, on another equally important occasion. Perhaps the band was exerting its new-found muscle for the A&R people in the audience. From this moment on until the band signed with Geffen, major labels swarmed around Nirvana. Whatever the reason, after squeezing “Sliver” in before the curfew, the band returned with even more new songs as well as old favorites. According to rumor, the band played In Utero songs “Dumb“ and “Radio Friendly Unit Shifter.” This was always discounted as fantasy, but in light of recent events (the emergence of the 1/1/91 Music Source sessions) the possibility cannot be ignored. Kurt was rumored to have played “Dumb” at his KAOS appearance in September, so the song’s inclusion can be strongly argued for. Also rumored was “Something In the Way”; if so, it’s the first known occurrence of the song, recorded or live. The Off-Ramp show was the band’s last show for the year. The rest of that winter was spent honing the Smart songs, writing new numbers for their next album, and courting the majors. Late 1990/early 1991 was the most remarkable period in Nirvana’s history. In this time frame songs such as “Come As You Are,” “Smells Like Teen Spirit” and “Drain You” were written, as well as In Utero songs “Pennyroyal Tea,” “Dumb” and “All Apologies.” Songs like “Even In His Youth” were whipped into shape, not to mention hard-to-categorize songs like “Verse Chorus Verse,” “Sappy” and “Oh, the Guilt.” We do not know the status of some of these latter songs at the time– Kurt’s journals indicate that at least “Sappy” and “VCV” were planned for possible inclusion on Nevermind– but we know they were part of the rapidly growing pool of material that Dave’s inclusion facilitated. Even as the band honed their music, they were not ignoring the business side of the equation. The Smart Studios tape made the rounds throughout the industry (unbeknownst to Sub Pop), garnering much positive feedback, but Nirvana knew how much further they’d grown in the seven months since last recording. It was time to enter the studio again and take stock of the material, old and new, that the band was unsure of. Working with their soundman Craig Montgomery, the band recorded seven songs at the Music Source, where the Blew EP sessions were held. Originally, the intention was to gather material for an album or EP, recorded dirt cheap with their own soundman. When it was evident that the songs and the recordings weren’t up to par, the sessions became working demos by which the band could evaluate their work. Kurt’s lyrics weren’t quite finished, so he had the vocals turned down on most of the songs, concentrating on the performance. Nevertheless, “Even In His Youth” and “Aneurysm” were deemed fit for eventual release as B-sides for the band’s next single on DGC, their soon-to-be new label. On “Even...” the guitars were very similar to the previously recorded version, but the drum tracks were as different as night and day. Dave’s drumming 18 is much more intricate and professional than Chad’s was, and it is largely due to him that the song is now a success. “Aneurysm” here becomes a thumping, primal number with ambiguous lyrics. The heroin references are blatant, as in lines like “Come on over, and do the twist / Overdo it and have a fit.” However, the song can be viewed simply as a seriously skewed love song in which love becomes the drug of choice. “Aneurysm” is significant in the Nirvana canon as it is the first time Nirvana links its past to its future. The noise and obtuse dynamics of the Crover demo songs are harnessed to the punk energy and pop sensibility of Nirvana’s newest material. The song would quickly become a live favorite, a symbol of the damaged pop that Seattle, and the current generation of alt rockers, were creating in all corners of the country. Kurt’s genius was to distill the song down to the essential components that drive the song relentlessly forward: its tribal rhythms, catchy yet insidious lyrics, the deceptively simple main riff, and the violently confrontational chorus that captured the essence of Kurt’s music: “Beat me out of me!” The line’s purgative qualities reverberated among Nirvana’s listeners, reflected in the aggressive moshing and slamdancing that broke out during “Aneurysm”’s performance. Last but not least was the throat-rending scream Kurt emitted before the final line (“She keeps it pumpin’ / straight to my heart”). No one else could duplicate Kurt’s primal shriek; no one else could make their voice tuneful as well as fiercely soulful and pained at the same time. The remaining songs from the 1/1/91 session were rough drafts, unfit even for bootleg release. Some are instrumentals; the rest have the vocals turned down as the lyrics were still unfinished. Among the remaining five songs are early versions of “Radio Friendly Unit Shifter” and “All Apologies.” Though little more than a jam, “RFUS” is readily recognizable, and it is indeed possible that its first performance was at the Off Ramp’s encore. “All Apologies” sports somewhat different lyrics, from what is discernible, and it sounds very jangly compared to the more sedate approach taken on In Utero. An instrumental version of “Oh, The Guilt” is attempted, as well as a rough version of “On A Plain.” The real find is “Token Eastern Song,” recorded but never released more than a year before. It hadn’t changed much, even with Dave on the drums, and demonstrated Kurt’s reluctance to abandon a song. Except for a January gig at Evergreen State College, always a Nirvana stronghold, the rest of that winter remained low-key. Two new songs closed the set at this show, “Territorial Pissings” and “Endless, Nameless.” “Territorial Pissings” was a hardcore punker combining anti-macho sentiments, paranoia, and, briefly, Kurt’s fascination with aliens/outsiders. “Endless, Nameless” was a primal improvisation. An excellent set closer, it gave the band the chance to simply make noise. In March, Nirvana undertook a brief Canadian tour, playing a healthy mix of old and new songs. At one of these dates at the Commodore Ballroom in Vancouver, B.C., Sub Pop photographer Charles Peterson took the immortal photograph of Kurt playing guitar while upside down. He appears, inexplicably, to be standing on his head and shoulders, feet pointed skywards. There is no indication as to how he achieved this position, and over the years several fans attempting to duplicate it have found it impossible to recreate. Apparently, you just had to be there. The machine was beginning to crank up again. Armed with their best material yet, Nirvana was fairly sure they would sign with Geffen, home of indie heroes Sonic Youth. Actually, the band had made their choice at least as early as Dan’s departure, and knew also that they wanted Butch Vig at the helm of their major label debut. Perhaps it was because Vig was a known quantity, having recorded many important underground bands as well as themselves the previous April. It would be Vig’s first major label effort as well; the band sent him a crude boombox cassette to further aid him in preparation, and to give him an idea of the band’s newest direction. It is unknown precisely what was recorded on this tape, although Vig recalls “Teen Spirit” and “Come As You Are.” Also rumored to have been included were “Verse Chorus Verse” and “Old Age.” 19 A minute-long portion of “Old Age,” circulating widely among traders, is said to have been culled from this tape. A few years back, a small controversy was stirred up by The Stranger, a weekly Seattle newspaper devoted to the arts and culture of the Northwest. The article claimed that a Hole B-side, “Old Age,” was actually written by Kurt, though Courtney Love claimed it as her own. To prove it, an anonymous source sent The Stranger the boombox tape, and a portion of “Old Age” was posted to its website alongside Hole’s version. This is how the clip came into circulation, and it is indeed the same song, minus Courtney’s alterations. Courtney claims Kurt gave her the song after its rejection from Nevermind and that the controversy is really just a tempest in a teapot. Hole’s version was recorded in September of 1993 (according to My Body the Hand Grenade’s liner notes); it is therefore unlikely that Hole could have recorded the song without Kurt’s blessing or knowledge. Listening to Hole’s version and the minute long clip, it becomes clear that “Old Age” is an excellent song, though not up to Nevermind’s standards. Judged only from the clip we have, we can see the melody is not quite there yet, though Kurt’s strumming chords and distinctive voice make up for it. On April 17th, the band played the OK Hotel in Seattle, a landmark gig that announced their intentions boldly: Kurt introduced the band as “Major-Label Corporate Rock Sellouts.” Also introduced that night was a new song called “Smells Like Teen Spirit.” The band was in a playful mood, opening with “Polly” and “Big Cheese.” Their next three songs, surprisingly, were covers. “Turnaround,” their Devo cover from the 10/90 Peel Sessions, received its next and last performance. “Love Buzz” and “D-7” were more predictable. It’s the latter half of this set which is of importance. The fourth and final performance of “Verse Chorus Verse” is performed. A setlist from this show has proved beyond a doubt that the song is indeed called “VCV,” and is not to be confused with “Sappy” or “In His Hands.” Its inclusion in the set indicates the song was still in the running for the next album. With the passing of this song came the live debut of “Smells Like Teen Spirit.” A video of this set is circulating; a clip of “Teen Spirit” was featured in the movie Hype! The basics are already in place, but the song still needed a good polish before it becomes the classic found on Nevermind. The lyrics and melody (and the solo, which mirrors the melody) are slightly different, and the ad libs (the part where Kurt yells “yay!”) at the end of the first two choruses are doubled, instead of one each. Of note is Vig’s claim that he suggested moving the ad libs to the end of each chorus, instead of where the band originally placed them, at the end of the song. If so, he suggested it to them before the band even debuted the song live, because Nirvana would not meet with Vig until they all reconvened in California to record the album. Perhaps in their endless reworking of material, the band rearranged the structure after this date. April 17th would be their last gig as an independent band. On April 30th the band formally signed with DGC. May found the band in California, about to record their second album Nevermind. In interviews Nirvana admitted that the album was originally to be called Sheep– cooler heads prevailed, and the title was plucked from the final line of “Teen Spirit”’s third verse. Much has been written about the recording process and about the songs themselves, and does not need to be repeated here. Of interest are the outtakes recorded, and the marked progression from Bleach-era songs. Aside from alternate versions of released songs, three other songs were known to have been recorded. The first is yet another version of “Sappy,” the band’s third attempt at the song. The Nevermind version has yet to be released, and as the band did not perform it again until 1994 we can only assume that no drastic changes occurred between the Smart sessions version and the final, released version of 1993. The second unreleased song is “Verse Chorus Verse.” Nirvana themselves fostered the confusion over this song, apparently using the titles “Sappy” and “VCV” 20 interchangeably at some points. The two songs are distinct, however, and as “VCV” was never performed again its final form can only be guessed at. The final outtake is “Old Age.” It is not known how complete these songs are; “Token Eastern Song” (9/89 Music Source version) was always claimed to be unfinished, yet its recent surfacing shows it to be as finished as the other songs from that session. So it is possible that these songs are complete and ready for release... and it is also possible they are unfinished scraps. A final, mysterious song was mentioned by Butch Vig as being rehearsed during Nevermind’s recording, but never put to tape. “Song in D” was said by Vig to be unfinished, but very pop-oriented and “jangly.” Kurt was very wary of recording it at this vulnerable stage in the band’s history. The tag of “sellout” was still being bandied about in and outside the Nirvana camp, and until Nevermind established them as the band of the 90’s, they were very careful how they proceeded. It has been speculated that the song was possibly an early version of “All Apologies,” but this is unlikely. Vig would have recognized the song upon hearing the In Utero version. “Song In D” remains apocryphal, another song that might have been. Nirvana’s biography Come As You Are mentions other melodic fragments and ideas as presented for Geffen’s inspection, and being strongly de-emphasized by the label. The songs weren’t really ready for recording, so Kurt acquiesced readily enough. It’s probable that such songs as “Dumb,” “All Apologies” and “Pennyroyal Tea” were presented to the label at this time; instead, everyone opted for the heavier, sure-fire songs of the Smart sessions, and the newer material such as “Smells Like Teen Spirit.” So it must be wondered if Nevermind pre-production demos of these early In Utero songs exist– be it formal attempts in a studio or home cassette dubs. Only time will tell. Nevermind represents a very clear progression from Bleach. Instead of the obtuse riffing and bluesy solos of the debut, the band’s songs rely mostly on strummed chords and solos that follow simple, memorable melodies. Indeed, most songs on Nevermind eschew the solo altogether. The songs are stripped to the bone– endless repetition of the verse and chorus riffs, either a solo or a middle-eight break (such as Lithium’s “I’m not gonna crack...” section), and occasionally a prechorus. Kurt’s vocal melodies are much more concise and memorable; the bigger budget amply displays his amazing vocal dynamics, from whispers to throat-rending screams. Nevermind also widens the parameters the band had set for itself. Acoustic interludes such as “Polly” and “Something In The Way” fit nicely alongside primal offerings such as “Territorial Pissings” and “Stay Away” (originally “Pay to Play”). Bleach offers its own remarkable sense of music and dynamics, but its successor flows much easier in pace. Bleach sounds unrelentingly monochromatic; Nevermind’s dichotomy of upbeat music versus lyrics that range from ambiguous to gloomy to aggressive, created a dangerous tension that added greatly to that album’s listening appeal. Finally, Kurt’s lyrics had undergone a subtle change. Whereas Bleach’s lyrics were somewhat linear and the result of impending deadlines, Nevermind’s lyrics were disjointed and hard to follow, created without time constraints over the last two years. As Kurt himself admitted, one line often contradicted the next. This was the result of Kurt’s random cutting and pasting of lines from his poetry to fit the needs of his songs. The most extreme example is “On A Plain.” The lyrics weren’t quite finished when the time came for Kurt to record his vocals; the result is a song that makes almost no sense whatsoever. Yet when Kurt sings the lines we can forgive him easily, such is the power of his delivery. Nevermind’s jumps in logic and gaps in narrative forced listeners to reconsider pop lyrics as a whole. By taking an active role in deciphering Kurt’s lyrics the listener is drawn into Kurt’s world, or at least the listener’s approximation of Kurt’s world– an amalgam of Kurt’s lyrical intent and the listener’s own uniquely personal interpretation. 21 “Polly” seems to make the most sense when taken as a whole; this Bleach-era song’s verses and chorus all underscore the dual themes of rape and empowerment. Yet even these lyrics leave much to the imagination; each verse is but four short lines, painting a few deft strokes of a far greater picture. “Polly” is a story told in metaphor, comprised of the narrator’s impression of events and of Polly herself. That Polly even escapes in the end is only alluded to in the final lines, “She caught me off my guard / Amazes me the will of instinct.” With their newest recordings in the can, the band began a series of dates up and down the West Coast, ranging from Tijuana to Portland, and venturing inland to Salt Lake City and Denver. Sets from this tour more often than not start with “Polly,” played softly on Kurt’s electric guitar to emulate the muted Nevermind version. From there the band exploded into the more aggressive cuts from both albums. Two songs are noticeably (with hindsight) missing, “Come As You Are” and “On a Plain.” The songs were debuted on May 29th at LA’s Jabberjaw, with slightly different lyrics, but were not to be heard again during the June tour. The June 20th show in Portland contained the final appearance of “Big Cheese”; in many ways it marked the end of an era and the dawn of a new one. August saw the band shooting their unforgettable video for “Smells Like Teen Spirit,” but they were off to Europe almost immediately afterward. Rigorous touring kept the band from quite understanding just how powerful the video affected its viewers, but by the time the new year rolled around they were understandably awed by its worldwide reception. Nirvana’s European tour with Sonic Youth has been documented in the video 1991: The Year Punk Broke. The band played both festivals and club dates, tailoring the set for each circumstance. During the festivals, the band’s slot opening for Sonic Youth often meant a short set of 30-35 minutes. If anything, this heightened Nirvana’s impact, as they distilled the set down to its most potent elements. An exception to this was during their set at the Reading Festival. Reading, England is the site of one of the most famous festivals in Britain, the English equivalent of a yearly Woodstock. Every year the current favorites in music are invited to play before ecstatic, mud-covered crowds. This year the Vaselines’ Eugene Kelly joined the band onstage to perform “Molly’s Lips,” a song Nirvana had been performing for almost two years. Knowing Kurt, he would treasure this moment more than almost any other accolade he would receive in the coming years. It was typical of the band to include new songs “Rape Me” and “Pennyroyal Tea” in various sets, when their newest album hadn’t even been released yet. Within the next few months, the spotlight would focus intensely on Nirvana’s every move, and bootleggers were quick to follow. After 1992, coming off their massive world tour, the band would keep most new compositions under wraps, except for special occasions. “All Apologies” would be an exception, as the band would play it often enough in the Nevermind days that it didn’t matter whether the bootleggers captured one more version. “Rape Me” was written during the mixing of Nevermind, and this early version featured a ragged solo instead of the “My favorite inside source” middle eight added to the In Utero version. For now, Nirvana enjoyed the strong buzz building around them. Any frustrations were gleefully taken out on their equipment during “Endless, Nameless,” and upon their dressing rooms. They finished their summer tour of Europe in London, recording their third Peel Session. Unlike the session recorded in 1990, the band performed no covers, playing new song “Dumb,” album cut “Drain You” and a rousing, definitive version of “Endless, Nameless” with Kurt ad-libbing things like “I think I’m turning Japanese...” over the 22 noise. This session would not find its way onto Incesticide; instead, fans would come to treasure it thanks to bootlegs like The Complete Radio Sessions (also home to the 10/89 Peel Session). In just under two weeks the band was back in Seattle, playing an instore gig at Beehive Record Store on September 16th. Nevermind itself would be released eight days later on the 24th. This show is chronicled in the introduction to the book Nevermind Nirvana, duly illustrating the extraordinary excitement the band was creating, even at this early date. Nirvana was achieving legendary status in Seattle by this time, with leaked copies of Nevermind fueling the fire. The store was so packed that members of Soundgarden didn’t even bother attempting to enter; Beehive employees had never seen anything like it before or since. The band began a circular tour of North America, playing a few dates in Canada and then down the Atlantic coast. On September 25th Nirvana debuted their third and final Vaselines’ cover, “Jesus Doesn’t Want Me For a Sunbeam,” in Providence, Rhode Island. For the rest of the US tour and well into their European tour “Jesus...” would open the set. The song’s theme of rejection of and by the Ultimate Authority complemented and extended the themes of such previous songs as “Sifting” and “Scoff”; musically, its mournful, elegant melody complemented Nirvana’s newer songs quiet well. Two other covers, “Here She Comes Now” and “D-7” were also played that night and the next. They were dropped by the 28th, but that night’s show is notable for a mutant version of “Help Me” that closed the show. It was the final performance of that song, almost two years since the last known performance, with different lyrics than earlier versions. Nirvana’s Fall 91 tour remained pretty standard after these aberrations. “Jesus...” segued into “Aneurysm” and “Drain You,” and from there the live favorites from both albums were played, as were “Sliver” and “Been A Son.” Curiously, songs such as “Lounge Act” and “Stay Away” were rarely played, and “Come As You Are,” Nirvana’s next big single, would only get limited exposure in the live set. Quite often, “Pennyroyal Tea” and “Rape Me” were added towards the end of the night. On October 14th the band recorded a loose acoustic set for Let It Be Records in Minneapolis. Their first Unplugged session, if you will, this in-store performance was comprised mostly of material that would end up on the MTV broadcast two years later: “Where Did You Sleep Last Night?”, “Dumb,” “About A Girl,” “Jesus...” and “Something In the Way.” The band played joke fragments of the Beatles’ “I Feel Fine” and their own “Negative Creep,” proving they were already at ease in the acoustic format. Or were they? One week later in Austin, TX, Kurt smashed his acoustic guitar at the end of another record-store acoustic gig. Of note is the man in the audience shouting for “Opinion!” For someone in Austin to know of the song, less than a month after Nevermind was released– before the band became famous and the song came into wide circulation– is remarkable. On October 23rd, the band performed “Curmudgeon” in Tempe, AZ. This song, along the same raucous lines as “Oh the Guilt,” would not be recorded until the following April. Nirvana continued across the southern U.S., proceeding up the Pacific Coast until they reached Seattle. Their homecoming show on Halloween of 1991 has been circulated widely, with tracks ending up as the B-sides for Nevermind singles, as live filler for their Nevermind: It’s An Interview disc, and in their video Live! Tonight! Sold Out!! It’s an excellent show captured with professional quality. Geffen was recording and filming them that night, and some scenes ended up in the Lithium video. It was rumored that “Spank Thru” and “Molly’s Lips” were also played but left off all circulating copies. This is unlikely. The show we have is complete, and vintage, Nirvana. 23 Only days later the band was back in Europe, this time as the headliners of an intensive tour. The sets didn’t change much, or often, but, as ever, a few remarkable exceptions can be found. Nirvana recorded four songs at BBC Studios on November 9th, though it was a Mark Goodier Session rather than yet another Peel Session. The band chose an interesting cross-section of their work, from the punk pop of “Been A Son,” to the awesome juggernaut “Aneurysm” to the slow, somber “Something In the Way.” A new, hilariously fast version of “Polly” was recorded, with Dave’s intricate drumming making up for the loss of atmosphere. “Been A Son” was sped up as well; the results are a trade-off– Chris’s excellent bass solo is lost or buried in the mix, but the song gets the much-needed push that made the live version a success. “Aneurysm” is faster, but not much has changed musically. Lyrically, the line “Come on over and shoot the shit” was recited only once and moved to the last verse, ostensibly a slight concession to radio standards. “Something in the Way” was played electrically, sporting an explosive guitar chorus complete with squalling feedback. The lyrics remained unchanged, but Kurt modified the guitar strums slightly. Instead of the purposely anemic, listless tone of the album version, this radio session of “Something...” becomes a brooding, barely restrained study in passive aggression. The band continued across the mainland, adding “Spank Thru” once more to the set. It was sometime on this tour that Kurt began to realize how popular the band was getting worldwide– and how much money they must have been making. Whether he wanted to withdraw from the attention, or simply because he could now afford it, Kurt began to use heroin heavily. His reasons can’t be speculated upon, and it is not for the world to judge him. But his escalating drug use would have consequences on his music in the near future. November 16th saw the first performance of another lost gem, “Talk To Me.” “TTM” contains a catchy strummed riff, and a memorable drum beat by Dave. During the chorus things tend to get noisy, a la “Oh the Guilt”; perhaps this track was shelved until the band could get around to reconciling its differences– and was never formally attempted again. The song would be played but twice more; once a week later and a final time in Bradford, England on the 26th. Nirvana played Ghent, Belgium with Hole on the 23rd. For whatever reason, the show that night featured not only “Talk To Me,” but the second and final performance of “Curmudgeon,” the third and final live version of “Oh, The Guilt,” and set closers “Where Did you Sleep Last Night?” and “Jesus...” The set was loose and anarchic, with Kurt stopping “On A Plain” to drag some dancers onstage, Chris and Dave switching instruments for the Leadbelly cover, and Kurt’s guitar acrobatics resulting in the loss of a fan’s tooth. They even managed to squeeze in a cover of the Doors’ “The End,” with Krist handling vocals much like he does at the beginning of “Territorial Pissing.” Rolling Stone was on hand to describe the proceedings in their first major article on Nirvana, and witnessed the backstage convulsions of the fan who’d been injured. This introduction to the mainstream no doubt made a wonderful impression on the legions of new fans the band was now attracting, and their clueless parents. The next day saw Nirvana performing an acoustic radio performance, where they turned in excellent performances of “Here She Comes Now” and “Where Did You Sleep Last Night?” Two versions of “Here She Comes Now” were recorded, but only one is in circulation; it is unlikely that the second differs very much. Also recorded, but only recently released online by the radio station, are two previously unheard gems. Dave sings a little ditty known by some as “Virginia,” and a 9-minute free-form jam, title unknown. It is a subtle, fascinating look at Nirvana’s creative process, but as a “song” per se, it would be suitable only for inclusion on a box set. Of interest is Dave’s attempt at death/black metal drumming, a goof between songs. It’s a possible precursor to his metal jam during the Rio Sessions in 1993, and possibly his metal side-project Probot. 24 A November 25th gig at the Paradiso in Amsterdam is memorable because several tracks from this show wound up on the posthumous live album, From the Muddy Banks of the Wishkah. “Blew” is easily the best of the Paradiso songs, containing Kurt’s definitive solo for that song; a shimmering, wailing affair that he never matched before or since. Nirvana appeared on the BBC’s Top of the Pops on the 27th. This appearance, along with a guest spot on The Jonathan Ross Show the following week, is possibly the highlight of their various television appearances along . On Top of the Pops, an insipid pop show that usually featured only the lowest common denominator in pop music (aside from appearances by the likes of Motorhead– and even then they were playing “Louie, Louie”), the band of the moment usually lip-synched their current offering. Nirvana balked at this, and compromised by miming their performance to Kurt’s live vocals. As can be seen on their Live! Tonight! Sold Out! video, the band made no pretense at playing, swinging their limbs and instruments with abandon. Kurt’s vocals are hilariously deep, described by most as “gothic,” and he all but swallows the mic at times. Gleeful audience members leapt to the stage to aid in the ritual destruction of pop pretense. The Jonathan Ross Show is a late-night talk show, along the lines of Letterman’s Late Show and Leno’s The Tonight Show. Ross introduces “Lithium,” but the band promptly launches into the most ferocious rendering of “Territorial Pissings” ever caught on tape. With the song still ringing in the audience’s ears, Nirvana immediately vacated the stage. Ross recovered nicely with a joke, but there was no way he could top that performance. The band couldn’t keep the pace up for long, especially with Kurt’s heroin use and Chris’s rampant alcoholism. After one more show in Rennes, France (with a nifty cover of “Baba O’ Riley”), the band cancelled the remainder of the European tour, six dates in all. A little less than three weeks later Nirvana found themselves half a world away, playing a quick West Coast tour with the Red Hot Chili Peppers and Pearl Jam. Kurt was very heavily into heroin at this point, and the relationships between the band members and their tourmates grew very tenuous. The final dates were canceled when Kurt fell sick; he spent the next week recuperating for Nirvana’s highest-profile television appearances to date: an MTV studio performance and Saturday Night Live. MTV had recently inaugurated a series of live appearances by rock acts, and Nirvana was the most logical choice at the time. They pulled no shenanigans at MTV’s New York studios, perhaps because of Kurt’s problems. Although Kurt looked wasted and aloof and his vocals were very raw, the band’s performance was exemplary. America got their first good look at the wave of the future as the band tore through current album cuts like “Teen Spirit,” “Drain You,” “Polly” and set-closer “Territorial Pissings.” B-sides “Aneurysm” and “Molly’s Lips” as well as “School” were also in evidence, but not broadcast. Heard only on circulating bootlegs, the band soundchecked with “On A Plain” and “Stain,” and snatches of “D-7,” “Sifting” and the Breeders’ “Hellbound” can be heard between numbers. The next night the band appeared on Saturday Night Live, performing the expected “Teen Spirit” and “Territorial Pissings.” They trashed their equipment after telling the SNL crew they wouldn’t, and Kurt and Chris kissed during the show’s final curtain call, to annoy the folks back home. Nirvana had arrived. With their Pacific Rim tour not starting until the final week of January, Nirvana had some much-needed downtime. Back in Seattle, Chris and Dave joined the Melvins onstage, becoming Melvana, with Buzz Osbourne on guitar. Together they played two Flipper covers, “Sacrifice” and “Way of the World.” “Sacrifice” was later to appear as part of the Melvins’ one-song Lysol LP, although neither Chris nor Dave took part in the studio recording. 25 In late January of 92 the band hit Australian shores, a first for Nirvana. The sets opened with “Aneurysm,” and were pretty standard amalgams of Bleach, Nevermind, and assorted singles. Of note is the addition of “Lounge Act” to most Australian shows. “Come As You Are” is featured more heavily than before, to coincide with its upcoming release as a single in February. To promote Nirvana’s tour, and vice versa, an EP called Hormoaning was released only in Australia and Japan. It featured the four covers recorded at their 10/90 Peel Session, and Teen Spirit B-sides “Aneurysm” and “Even In His Youth.” At the time, this EP was extremely rare, and much sought after by fans rabid for new material. Some fans consider Nirvana’s Australian shows as the best shows of the Nevermind period. The band is certainly ferocious at times, turning in terrific performances of “Teen Spirit,” “Negative Creep” and “Drain You.” When the band was on, no other band could top them. But, as Kurt’s heroin abuse increased, the number of “off” shows increased. Kurt’s drug-related problems caused at least one show to end prematurely and the show following to be cancelled. By the time the band hit Japan, things were marginally better. On this, their first (and last) tour of Japan, the band felt the need to adjust the set. Reversing the song order as they did for their 1990 UK tour, Nirvana opened with set closers “Negative Creep,” “Been A Son,” “On A Plain” and “Blew.” In Osaka, they inserted the eerie, electric “Something In The Way” before “Blew,” and this song is featured in Live! Tonight! Sold Out! From all accounts the band was startled by the politeness of Japanese concertgoers. Perhaps for this reason Nirvana chose to end each show with “Teen Spirit.” Outside of the Land of the Rising Sun, Nirvana very rarely conformed to the rock cliché of closing the set with the “big hit,” as most rock bands do. After two more dates in Hawaii, Nirvana had had enough. They had been touring for months, and relations within the band, once strong, were deteriorating. When Kurt married Courtney in Hawaii, Chris wasn’t invited to the wedding, because the Novoselics didn’t approve of Kurt and Courtney’s heroin abuse– wrongly assuming that she had drawn him into it, instead of the other way around. It was time for a break. An April/May tour of the US was scrapped, and the band went into seclusion. It’s been said that Nirvana blew it at this point. They could have sold many more records had they stayed on the road. Nevermind had changed the world, at least from the music fan’s perspective; grunge was in, metal was out. Besides bands like Warrant and Poison, who were jokes anyway, dinosaurs like Iron Maiden, AC/DC, Alice Cooper and Judas Priest found that this brave new world held no place for them. Only their previous reputations kept them afloat, and most metal bands quickly returned to the metal underground. Meanwhile, at the center of one of pop culture’s periodic upheavals, Nirvana tried desperately to remain out of the blinding glare of the spotlight. Their attempts backfired miserably. The more withdrawn the band became, the more attention focused on them. As Nirvana should have realized, if you don’t give the media something to talk about, they’ll simply make things up. In April, the band entered Laundry Room Studios to record three songs, all spoken for: “Oh, The Guilt” became the B-side for a split single with the Jesus Lizard released 10 months later; “Curmudgeon” would become Lithium’s B- side; “Return of the Rat” was recorded specifically for Eight Songs for Greg Sage and the Wipers. The Laundry Room sessions were rougher than Nevermind’s glossy product. Kurt’s guitar sounds almost nasal, and the production is somewhat thinner than heard on their previous releases. The songs were loosely recorded; no major label concerns here. Kurt can be heard coughing during “Return of the Rat,” and can be heard flicking a lighter during the intro to “Oh, the Guilt.” The obtuse noise of “Curmudgeon” and “Oh, the Guilt” harked back to those intense early 26 practices with Dave, when the band would just jam for hours, perhaps writing a song, perhaps not. Kurt must have felt a step backwards, or rather to the side, was necessary to regain some sort of credibility. Reviews towards all three songs were lukewarm at best, perhaps just what the band wanted. Kurt sang “Curmudgeon” in a cranky old man’s voice, befitting the title. He had long pictured himself in the future as an old man uncontrollably shouting obscenities in public, and perhaps the song is an extenuation of this fantasy. In line with this theme, Kurt’s lyrics are especially incoherent, much like any old codger’s ramblings. “Oh the Guilt” was debuted at the same 1990 show as “Aneurysm.” Whereas the latter succeeded in combining pop with noise, “Oh, the Guilt” fairly wallowed in its antagonism. The verse riff followed a stop-start pattern closely mirrored by the drums, and the solo was a study in anti-melody. It was a trend Kurt would follow on later songs such as “Moist Vagina.” The song’s most notable aspect is the chorus, in which Kurt lets out all the stops, screaming magnificently over a simple riff. The song’s lyrics seem to depict a woman on a beach, wrapped in her own guilt as she stares at the sea. With Kurt’s typical flourish, the lyrics reveal very little in a literal sense. “Return of the Rat” is slightly sluggish compared to the original version found on the Wipers’ Is This Real? LP. The guitar sounds dirty, but Kurt’s solo is enjoyable as he pares the song down to its basic components. Dave’s one-two snare attack propels the song nicely, but one can’t escape the lackluster quality of the song as a whole. It sounds as if the band was fulfilling a commitment, nothing more. “Return of the Rat” lacks the spark of reverence and enjoyment that favored previous covers such as “D-7” and “Here She Comes Now.” It would be the last known cover song Nirvana ever recorded in the studio. Towards the end of June the band returned to Europe, to make up for the dates cancelled during their previous European tour of late 91. Starting off in Ireland, the band quickly made its way to the mainland in time to headline the huge summer festivals. The setlists at this time start out with “Aneurysm” and “Drain You,” then, surprisingly, “Stay Away” makes its return. Even more surprising, “Swap Meet,” Kurt’s ode to smalltown life, makes its final reappearances. Played only a handful of times in the band’s career, the song returned to the set briefly in Ireland and during the Roskilde and Ruisrock festivals. Perhaps desperate to prove they hadn’t forgotten their roots, “Scoff” also made its way back into the set, played for the final time in Stockholm, Sweden on June 30th. Nirvana never liked playing open-air festivals. There were far too many people present for the band to connect with anyone on the intimate level they thrived on. Feeling like exhibits in a zoo, losing much of their power to the open air, the band fought back by playing the best shows they could, and by peppering the set with rarities and older gems. The Roskilde Festival was a typical example of this period. Opening the set with a recording of Tori Amos’s version of “Teen Spirit,” the band add such rarities as “Scoff” and “Stay Away,” and manage to play every song off Nevermind but “Lounge Act.” The crowd demonstrated their cluelessness by clapping loudly along to “Polly,” a phenomena which had been growing for some time. Occasionally the band would have to ask their listeners to stop clapping or at least do it in sync with the music, because it was throwing Kurt off. The 6/30 show in Stockholm introduced a new cover to open the set, “The Money Will Roll Right In.” The song was a sarcastic view of stardom by the band Fang, who never had a hope in hell of attaining such lofty heights. Nirvana would play the song periodically until October. Mudhoney would eventually cover the song themselves, and it’s unclear just who introduced the song to whom. “Stain” also rejoined the set though its days, too, were numbered. The 27 real prize of this show is Nirvana’s cover of the Vaseline’s “Son Of A Gun,” which the band would play one last time a few days later. Kurt became ill on the final date in Spain, which was cancelled. Nirvana also cancelled dates in Seattle and Portland a month later. Kurt was still battling his addiction at this time, as well as dealing with the birth of his daughter Frances, who would be delivered on August 18th. Kurt was detoxing during the delivery, in the same hospital where his wife was convalescing. The process of detoxifying, combined with the depression that the Vanity Fair article had caused (concerning the couple’s abusing of heroin while knowing Courtney was pregnant), made Kurt so paranoid and depressed that he brought a gun into Courtney’s hospital room with the intention of killing her and himself. Courtney was able to talk him out of it and slip the gun to Eric Erlandson, Hole’s guitarist and the couple’s only real confidant. After all, there was Frances Bean Cobain to think of now. Unmindful of these events, Chris and Dave later met with Kurt in his room to decide whether to play some very important dates, or whether to decline. The band regrouped, with Kurt clean for the moment; with a new confidence Nirvana decided to play the upcoming Reading Festival (8/30), the MTV Video Music awards (9/9), and to make up their cancelled Northwest dates. The Reading show is one of the must-have shows for Nirvana fans. From last year’s support act to this year’s headliners, performing late on the third and final day of the festival, Nirvana had literally traversed the length of the world to reach this point. Downplaying rumors of imminent breakup and ill-health, Kurt played one of his most famous jokes, captured on their video Live! Tonight! Sold Out!. Wheeled onstage in a wheelchair, wearing a long white coat and a blonde frightwig, Kurt hesitantly stood up and grasped the microphone. In a slurred daze he began singing Bette Midler’s “The Rose,” only to collapse after the first few seconds. The crowd was not prepared for this, but were soon cheering as Kurt strapped on his guitar and proceeded to play one of his best shows. “The Rose” was first covered by Mudhoney on Sub Pop 200, yet another in-joke for his friends. The show has many other highlights: many thousands of people singing along to “Lithium”; jamming on “More Than A Feeling” before playing “Teen Spirit” (a sly reference to the extreme similarity between both songs’ main riffs); Kurt’s dedication of “All Apologies” to his wife and 12-day-old Frances; old Brit favorites “Spank Thru”, “Love Buzz”, and “D-7”; and a finale featuring the feedback-drenched “Star-Spangled Banner.” That last must have gone over really well with the crowd. New song “tourette’s” was introduced as “The Eagle Has Landed,” with a challenge for the bootleggers to tape it. There’s a story to the song’s erstwhile name. When Nevermind exploded onto the scene, a bootleg 45 called Total Fucking Godhead came into wide circulation, featuring the 4/90 Smart Studio versions of “Lithium,” “Sappy” and “Polly.” With typical bootlegger logic the songs were named, respectively: “Broken Mirrors,” “The Rocker” and “The Eagle Has Landed.” As the band’s fame grew, Kurt became more and more nervous about debuting new songs live. “tourette’s” is clearly in the hardcore vein of “Territorial Pissings,” only not as catchy. Kurt shrieked his incoherent lyrics much like a victim of Tourette’s Syndrome would. The song features some nice Slayer-ish breaks, but would clearly be one of the new album’s lesser works. It would not receive its final name until the In Utero sessions; Nirvana took to calling it “New Poopy” for the time being. Nirvana had proved the rumors of their breakup wrong, and their next gig would almost destroy the other rumors that floated about Kurt– namely his drug addiction. 28 On September 9th, the band played a rousing version of “Lithium” at the MTV Music Video Awards. Kurt sported a new haircut, a sort of 70’s little-boy look that framed his good looks nicely. Looking clean and well-rested and almost wholesome, he seemed to dispel all rumors about his health and lifestyle. It was probably this change in appearance more than anything that led to his regaining custody of Frances. The LA Department of Children’s Services was threatening to take her away and put her in foster care, and rightly so, given the almost blatant drug use of her parents, but the couple managed to clean up their act and at least pretend to be a normal family again. The 1992 MTV Music Video Awards performance of “Lithium” is notable for three reasons. Nirvana, well aware of the over-saturation of their music, especially their singles, wanted to perform two new songs: “Rape Me” (then about 15 months old), and “New Poopy (tourette’s).” MTV, quite predictably, insisted on “Teen Spirit,” especially after learning the new songs’ titles. Both sides came to a compromise where Nirvana would perform its current single “Lithium.” Following their unstated policy of fucking with any and all television hosts, the band opened their performance with the first few bars of “Rape Me.” MTV came very close to pulling the plug on the band until Kurt immediately switched to the familiar chords of “Lithium.” The next reason came towards the end of the song. Chris threw his bass into the air and then proceeded to miss the catch, earning himself a clout to the head and a few stitches backstage. Another MTV first. After the destructive finale, Dave came down from his kit to mock Axl Rose in front of the whole world, grabbing Kurt’s mic and shouting “Hi, Axl? Where’s Axl? Hi, Axl?” The explanation for this would come during a subsequent MTV interview, and more fully at their Portland concert on the following day. The final proof of this remarkable performance lies not with the band itself, but with the performance of their rivals Guns ‘n’ Roses. G ’n’ R represented the old school, the archetypal 80’s rock band, already reduced to playing elaborate, over-long ballads by their second/third album (Use Your Illusion I & II came out simultaneously). G ’n’ R lyrics were almost entirely bad-boy poses, stuff that went down well in Jersey stadiums but provided precious little comfort for a listener. Contrast such lyrics as “Turn around bitch, I got a use for you / Besides, you ain’t got nothin’ better to do / And I’m bored” with the lyric “Never met a wise man / If so it’s a woman” and you will have distilled each band’s essential philosophy. Arena theatrics and hedonistic lyrics seemed just plain silly upon hearing the stripped-down pop chords and introspective lyrics of “Lithium” or “Come As You Are.” That’s not to say that Nirvana didn’t have their negative side as well. At least G ’n’ R tried to please, crafting every song to a certain professional standard. Disdaining the corporate ogre, Nirvana had little problem with playing out of tune, shrieking their lyrics, and drenching everything in droning feedback. In fact, after Nevermind destroyed their indie credibility, Nirvana did everything they could to abuse the expectations of the mainstream. Besides the music, Nirvana and Guns ‘N’ Roses also explored the darker side of substance abuse. Just as G ’n’ R became known for their coke and alcohol excesses, Nirvana had become the cornerstone of the 90’s heroin revival. Kurt didn’t start this movement alone, of course, but his use only glamorized a rapidly growing plague. At least Nirvana tried to remain somewhat quiet about their vices, and tried to stay honest and create art for art’s sake. Nirvana was very vocal about the differences between both bands at their concert at the Portland Meadows the day after the MTV broadcast. The gig was a benefit for No On 9, a movement combatting an Oregon law that would make homosexuals vulnerable to discrimination. Kurt described how Axl verbally threatened his wife and himself at the awards, turning the whole situation, and Axl Rose, by extenuation, into a joke. A fan made his way onto the stage, 29 protesting Nirvana should leave Guns ’n’Roses alone, as all music was valid, whatever the artist personally stood for. Kurt countered with the fact that Axl was a racist homophobe and that if he could spread his small-minded, corporate rock views about women, then so could Nirvana. “Chris, I love you!” Kurt declared, and from the crowd’s reaction it appears that they kissed once more, just as they did on Saturday Night Live. Left unsaid was the real reason for Axl’s anger: Nirvana had earlier turned down the chance to open for G ’n’ R, citing the band’s sexist lyrics and attitudes. They had also snubbed Axl’s offer of playing his private birthday party. This was a revolutionary idea in the world of rock. No other struggling band, or who had so recently achieved success, would have turned down such a potentially lucrative support slot because of ideals. Politics, maybe (See U2). But not for such a quaint ideal as feminism. Nowadays there are plenty of bands who would have done so, but Nirvana was the first modern band to take such a stand. The next night’s show in Seattle was also a benefit, and their first show back home since Halloween the year before. The band played a triumphant set showcasing every Nevermind song but “Something in the Way,” and even went as far as sprinkling new songs “tourette’s,” “All Apologies,” “Dumb” and “Rape Me” throughout the show. Nirvana seemed more like their old selves again. Later that month, Kurt would make a surprise appearance in California at a Mudhoney gig, performing “The Money Will Roll Right In” with the band, and a solo attempt at “Where Did You Sleep Last Night?” He introduced the song as by Huddie Ledbetter, “an old slave of the South.” This was certainly not true (Ledbetter was born in 1885), and the derision of the audience is clearly audible on bootlegs. Kurt would rejoin Mudhoney on stage eight days later, back in Seattle at the Crocodile Cafe. The night before this guest appearance, however, Nirvana played an intriguing surprise show at Western Washington University. Spin magazine covered this early October show, mentioning that songs as diverse as “Dumb” and “Mexican Seafood” were performed. Courtney was interviewed, and joked that some of the songs were so old that Kurt didn’t remember the words. A partial recording of this show has surfaced, so we cannot fully judge the performance for ourselves. However, Nirvana would revisit their roots one last time a month later in Buenos Aires, and we do have a record of that show. Days before departing for Argentina, the band decided to record some demos for the next album. They chose to go back to Reciprocal Studios, now called Word of Mouth, using the same 8-track equipment on which Bleach was recorded. Jack Endino recalls that six songs were recorded; all would be re-recorded for In Utero and only “Rape Me” was finished with vocals. No tapes are circulating because apparently not even the band asked for or received cassettes of the demos. It was a tense time for the band; Kurt did his part and left, leaving the details to others. It was only around Frances, Endino noted, that Kurt brightened. Nirvana’s 10/30/92 gig in Buenos Aires is another remarkable show, and not just because we have an excellent recording of it. Calamity Jane, an all-women band from Olympia and friends of Nirvana, opened the show. The rudeness of the Brazilian crowd was amazing; they threw whatever was handy at the hapless openers and basically forced Calamity Jane off the stage with shouts for “Nirvana!” and “Cobain!” What followed was an entire show played only to punish this macho behavior, as the band taunted the crowd with “Teen Spirit” but never played it. Instead we get dusty relics like “Beeswax,” a powerful stab of antagonistic noise from a band that doesn’t care about pleasing its audience anymore. “Spank Thru,” the first Nirvana song, received its final performance under these dire circumstances, a true shame. The full version of this show finally came to light in 2002, revealing that more was missing from this show than previously thought. Most remarkably, this show is notable for a 30 previously unknown song called “Nobody Knows I’m New Wave.” The title has been verified by a look at the printed set list for the show. Nirvana opened the show with “New Wave,” a noisy, atonal shriekfest that sounds like a new song, but could possibly be a cover. A truly demented “Endless, Nameless” ended the punishment. This experience must have put the band in a foul mood, because they cancelled all remaining dates for that year. Of some consolation to Kurt was the chance to record a single with idol W.S. Burroughs, author of such works as Naked Lunch and the Soft Machine. “The Priest They Called Him” was a spoken-word piece previously written by Burroughs, with Kurt providing discordant guitar in the background. At times lapsing into “Silent Night” (the piece had a Christmas theme), Kurt’s eerie noodling provided the perfect complement to Burroughs’ squeaky-hinge voice. The Priest They Called Him would not be released until July of the following year. After Kurt’s death Burroughs would recall meeting him, declaring, possibly with the benefit of hindsight, that Kurt was “already dead”– he could see it in the lad’s face. The following month, just in time for Christmas, DGC released Incesticide. Garnering relatively good reviews, Incesticide is a hodge-podge of BBC radio sessions, tracks from singles, and a number of tracks from the Crover demo. There seemed to be no rhyme or reason to track selection or running order. The album opened and closed on strong tracks– “Dive” and “Aneurysm” (the Mark Goodier version) respectively– but lagged in the middle. The problem was not the songs, but the monochromatic nature of the recordings. Predominantly demos and radio sessions, which generally aren’t given as much attention as album tracks are, it’s no wonder that the official releases from Sliver and Blew have a presence and sparkle above the other tracks. The real gem was the Bleach outtake, “Big Long Now.” As explained earlier, “BLN” lacked the character of the other songs, and was left to languish until its appearance near the end of Incesticide. Jack Endino claims it was due to his lobbying that the song was even released at this late date; Nirvana had all but forgotten its existence. It’s an interesting, melancholy number, with Kurt’s excellent vocals evoking a disconsolate longing. As Michael Azerrad notes, many songs that could have been included were left off. It wasn’t until much later that fans realized the extent of what the band had to choose from. Of course, the band had reasons for including or excluding a particular song. “Spank Thru” and “Here She Comes Now” were probably left off to retain each track’s exclusivity to its respective compilation. In other words, no Nirvana fan would buy Sub Pop 200 if they could get the same track on Incesticide. The Smart Studio sessions were probably withheld because of their roughness compared to the finished versions of Nevermind. Songs like “Sappy” and “Token Eastern Song” were still unsatisfying to the band’s ears, as were the Nevermind outtakes. B-sides like “Even In His Youth,” “Aneurysm” and “Curmudgeon” were still very much available in stores; re-releasing the material would have been taking money out of the band’s pockets. “Blandest” was considered for a while until it was discovered that Endino had wiped the tape as per the band’s orders. So, in reality, there was not that much to choose from. One major misstep was the inclusion of the Mark Goodier version of “Been A Son,” instead of the superior version found originally on the Blew EP. This mistake was corrected with the release of Nirvana in 2002. Nirvana’s 10/89 Peel Session is nowhere in evidence, perhaps to keep Chad’s participation to a minimum. “Polly” from that session would have been a much better choice than “(New Wave) Polly,” and it wouldn’t have hurt to include the Peel version of “Spank Thru,” either. 31 The new year saw the band back in South America, playing São Paulo on January 16th, 1993. Nirvana soundchecked with new songs “Milk It” and “Scentless Apprentice,” and these noisefests set the tone for the rest of the night. This show was much worse that October’s gig in Argentina; by all accounts the band deliberately set out to antagonize the audience, playing horrible versions of “Season in the Sun,” “We Will Rock You,” “Should I Stay Or Should I Go,” “Rio” and “Kids in America” among others. Some of the audience walked out, disgusted. No substantial trace of this show has surfaced, and it has become the Holy Grail among the morbidly curious Nirvana collectors. In a later interview, Chris readily admitted the show stunk, although Kurt seemed proud of the debacle right up until his death. Dave has recently confided the real circumstances behind the sub-par performance: Kurt had discovered that Valium was readily available in their hotel’s gift shop, and had downed the pills like candy. The resulting time- and-space distortion seemed to account for his erratic performance, while his horrified bandmates could only play along as if “Kids In America” had been the gameplan all along. It is my opinion that somewhere between October and January, the band took a turn for the worse. From here on out, the band’s attitude darkened. Kurt seemed distinctly unhappy, and the playing became more and more mechanical. There are occasional flashes of brilliance yet to come, but there can be no going back to the clubs from which Nirvana came. From here on out, the crowds would only get larger, and Kurt grew smaller in comparison. Aside from Kurt’s steadily increasing heroin use, the problem was that Nirvana was essentially a punk band and belonged in medium-sized clubs, not in arenas festooned with Pepsi banners. And Kurt knew it more that most. Nirvana was in danger of becoming a commodity– in some ways, it already had. A week after the São Paulo debacle, the band played an excellent show at the Hollywood Rocks Festival in Rio de Janeiro on January 23rd. The show was a caustic mixture of the band’s old aggression mixed with a resentful detachment. Kurt donned a dress and tiara, probably to mock the Brazilian crowd’s machismo once more. Even Dave got into the act, sporting a bra and no shirt. The playing was much better this time out, with the highlights including a performance of “Teen Spirit” with Red Hot Chili Pepper bassist Flea playing the solo on trumpet; a rare (by this point) performance of “Dive,” prefaced with a bass-and-drum jam on “Sweet Emotion”; and a nine-minute version of “Scentless Apprentice” that just went on and on. Also performed was new song “Heart-Shaped Box,” debuted a week before at São Paulo. The show kicked off with the theme from the opera Carmen, which the band had jammed on at some past concerts. A little later they included a jam on a Viletones song, “Possibilities.” Aside from these curiosities the rest of the set consisted of their usual songs, often with lyrics changed for Kurt’s amusement. Parts of the show can be seen in Live! Tonight! Sold Out! While in Rio the band took the opportunity to record more demos. Members of Hole were present as well, and some of Courtney’s songs were recorded. Nirvana recorded early versions of In Utero songs, plus various jams and one-offs. Only one song from these sessions has been officially released. “Gallons of Rubbing Alcohol Flow Through the Strip” was a seven-minute improvisation tacked onto the end of the European version of In Utero. Kurt made the lyrics up on the spot, faltering in some places, and his words made even less sense than usual. Krist’s bassline keeps things moving, however, and the song is quite illuminating as an example of Nirvana’s spontaneity. Sonically, the song sounds very close to what In Utero’s songs would sound like only weeks later, causing many fans to mistake the song for an actual In Utero outtake. This is notable as the Rio demos and the In Utero songs were recorded on different continents, in different studios, and under different personnel. The band themselves seemed not to hold this bit of studio tomfoolery too highly; the liner notes to the In Utero import listed “Gallons...” as a “Devalued American Dollar Purchase Incentive Track.” Here on the Rio tape “Gallons...” can be found in its full 9-minute-plus version, ending in an extended guitar solo from Kurt, a rarity. 32 Four of the tracks were later re-recorded for In Utero. “Scentless Apprentice,” “Milk It” and “Very Ape” sound very close to their final versions. Only a few lyric changes and a less-than-polished performance distinguish them. “Very Ape” actually bleeds into the beginning of “Gallons...” The former was edited out of the mix when “Gallons...” was included on In Utero to make it a stand-alone track. “Heart-Shaped Box” is a much more interesting find. It features substantially different verse lyrics, and contains a full solo, unlike the edited version found on the album. “All Apologies” B-Side “Moist Vagina” was also attempted, with almost completely different lyrics, such as “When I wanna” for “Marijuana.” It would be vastly overhauled in the coming weeks, becoming the powerful song we know it as today. The remaining three tracks have garnered the most scrutiny, as their existence was previously unknown and unguessed at. Two are untitled, so little is known about them. The first, and lengthiest, is a very rough jam with lyrics such as “It’s an odd alliance” and “....my milk is your shit / it’s hard and boiled and, and sour all again.” “My milk is your shit” is repeated over and over, and was ultimately appropriated for “Milk It.” The song is fascinating in a train-wreck sort of way, with Kurt’s melodies rising above the scatological lyrics. In its unfinished state, however, it will be fit only for the box set. The main riff of the song is also reminiscent of a slowed-down “I Hate Myself and Want To Die.” Cannibalized for two other songs as it was, it was thus ensured that this jam would never see release in the band’s lifetime. The second unknown song is obviously Dave’s creation. With chortling evil vocals (Dave’s voice treated with a “Scary” effect) and a chugging death-metal approach, the song is obviously a light-hearted send-up of Dave’s beloved metal icons. The lyrics, what little there are, seem to consist of one word: “Meat!” To Dave’s credit, his song is just as credible musically as any death metal warrior’s, with a nice mosh-breakdown section near the end. The third and final song is a pleasant surprise. “Seasons In The Sun” was one of Kurt’s childhood favorites, a sappy 70’s hit for Terry Jacks. It was believed to be played live in Sao Paulo, Brazil and perhaps in Seattle in August of 1993, but neither show in complete form has been found. To discover a studio version at this late date was more than anyone could ask for. This version, while not a confident performance, hints that at some point a serious version might have been put to tape. It also hints to Kurt’s childhood nostalgia, related in many interviews, but only hinted at in his music. The fun wasn’t over yet. When Nirvana finished, Courtney wanted to try out some of her songs. With Kurt on bass and Hole drummer Patty Schemel filling in, Courtney recorded “Miss World,” which would eventually be re-recorded for Hole’s breakthrough album Live Through This. The rudimentary version recorded in Rio, however, would not be released until much later, on Hole’s B-sides/rarities collection My Body The Hand Grenade. Also recorded at this time is the song “Closing Time.” A musical fragment, the song had no real structure or lyrics, just a formless melody sung by Courtney. She eventually handed the song over to Blue Moon Records, and it first appeared on Outcesticide II. Several weeks later Nirvana journeyed to St. Cloud, Minnesota to face the herculean task of recording the follow- up to Nevermind. Helming the project was Steve Albini, producer of the Pixies’ Surfer Rosa and the Breeders’ Pod. Albini’s recordings sound very organic, very ambient. Instead of the slick, vacuum-packed sound on most major-label recordings, Albini’s work sounds as if you are in the room with the band, listening to the sound echoing off the walls. Unfortunately, Albini tends to bury the vocals in the mix, driving listeners to distraction as they concentrate on discerning the singer’s voice. PJ Harvey’s Dry, also recorded by Albini in 1993, suffers from this imbalance. Nirvana made sure the vocals were mixed to the fore, even going to the point of remixing some tracks months later with R.E.M. producer Scott Litt. Dave’s bass drum thumps as ponderously as his idol John Bonham’s ever did, and the feedback that accents the guitars sounds as honest as it does raucous. Every nuance of Kurt’s vocals is plainly audible– every ounce of rage, every bit of passion. It’s interesting to note that In Utero is completely integrated in all its parts; the sound of the album 33 complements the cover exactly: organic, seething, pulsing, excreting... and in the case of the anatomic model on the front cover, its inner workings are on display for the whole world’s inspection. The actual recording of the album went very easily, with basic tracks done in a week; Kurt boasted that most of the vocals were recorded in one day. Sixteen songs were recorded; unlike Bleach and Nevermind, all the outtakes were intended for release. The making and critique of In Utero has been written of countless times; it will suffice here to discuss only the band’s continued musical evolution and the album’s under-rated B-sides. First, In Utero’s title would not be decided on until May, at roughly the same time as the singles were remixed in Seattle. At different points the album was going to be called Verse Chorus Verse and I Hate Myself And Want To Die. As stated before, Nirvana changed “Sappy”’s name at some point to “Verse Chorus Verse.” The song’s inclusion on the album was almost assured until the last moment, when it was deleted for unknown reasons. As will be seen, “VCV” could have been substituted for several different tracks to In Utero’s benefit. “I Hate Myself And Want To Die” evolved from a joke that Kurt used as a defense against the meaningless question “How are you?” Always very sensitive to the media’s perception of him as unstable and depressed, the song’s title became his pat response– and very nearly became the album title. Only the worry that he was now responsible for the actions of his fans kept Kurt from naming the album after the song and including it within. Filled with disturbing imagery of colds, castrated horses, and injury, only the chorus may possibly allude to the title. Kurt seems to be singing “End it someday / What’s the hassle?”, but of course his slurred delivery is nearly impossible to discern. During the interlude there’s a bizarre spoken-word piece describing how screwing two pieces of coral to a child’s head will make him look like a deer. It’s not known whether this is a private joke among bandmembers or something Kurt came up with himself, but since the monologue is barely audible it is of minor importance. As the kickoff track to The Beavis and Butthead Experience, the song stood out even among worthy contributions submitted by Aerosmith, Anthrax, and the Red Hot Chili Peppers. It was a shrewd decision on Nirvana’s part; only on a Beavis and Butthead album could a major-label band release a song called “I Hate Myself and Want to Die” and not face heavy criticism for it. “Marigold” was written and sung by Dave Grohl, appearing as the B-side to Heart-Shaped Box. Originally an acoustic number from his Pocketwatch demo, “Marigold” is the first and only released Nirvana song not written or co- written by Kurt. It’s a sweet, innocent little song with gently strummed chords and a chorus of simple but evocative imagery. It’s easy to see why Kurt approved of its recording and release (despite its quality the song was still relegated to B-side status), but in light of later interviews we must wonder at the circumstances. In the last major interview in his life, Kurt admitted that he had exhausted his reserve of songs– for some reason forgetting such gems as “Talk To Me” and “Verse Chorus Verse.” Was it desperation for material that led him to accept Dave’s contribution, or an honest appreciation of Dave’s growing prowess as a songwriter? More than one account described Kurt as a little dictator when it came to his band, and it’s not uncommon for one exceptional songwriter to have a virtual stranglehold on creative output. During a later Foo Fighters interview, Dave himself expressed his reluctance to submit songs during his tenure in Nirvana. As he explained, why bother when there was already one prodigy in the group? Newsweek gleefully reported that Nirvana’s label was unhappy with their new uncommercial album. They made the point of mentioning an outtake called “Moist Vagina,” which may or may not have been considered for the album at that time. By the time the song was released, as the B-side of “All Apologies,” it was known simply as “MV.” This remarkable song is known primarily for the half-minute groan Kurt emits at the end of the song– you can hear his vocal 34 chords vibrating. The lyrics are extremely strange, as Kurt contrasts the moistened end of a marijuana cigarette with the female genitalia: “I prefer her to any other! / Marijuana!” The music is deceptively simple, consisting primarily of four chords: two for the verse and two for the chorus. The final solo is improvised noise, accenting the crushing one-two attack of the music. “MV” was never performed live, which is a pity as it’s one of the more unique songs of this period. In Utero didn’t have a hidden track as Nevermind did (although the import version sported “Gallons of Rubbing Alcohol Flow Through The Strip”). Perhaps this is why the band felt that “Sappy” should go unlisted on the No Alternative album. Since the song was unnamed, most people assumed it was called “Verse Chorus Verse,” which almost became the title song of In Utero. The fact that the song followed the verse-chorus-verse format quite closely added to the confusion. The band never corrected this assumption, indeed, worsened it by renaming the song. The “Sappy/VCV” controversy continued until the book Nevermind, which chronicled the recording of the classic album, listed the songs as two separate entities. “Sappy” may very well be the best song from the In Utero sessions, possibly excepting the singles “Heart-Shaped Box” and “All Apologies.” Structurally, the song is very similar to the Smart Studio version recorded almost three years before. The strummed intro is truncated as Kurt begins singing almost immediately. The biggest difference is in the solo; it is more distinct and melodic, perhaps the best Kurt has ever done. Every note complements the rest, forming a catchy and memorable whole. The lyrics went through some final changes, chiefly in the first line of each verse: “And if you save yourself... / And if you cut yourself... / And if you fool yourself...” Kurt has tamed the lyrics somewhat, deleting harsh verbs like “fuck” or “kill.” Indeed, all lyrics that could be construed as overtly suicidal are gone– barring the “cut yourself” portion in the second verse. It’s not a little ironic, after all the tinkering Kurt had done to the song over the years, that he would kill himself over a year later after this final revision. “Sappy” was formally announced to the world during MTV’s No Alternative special, featuring performances and videos from some of the bands included on the CD (a benefit for AIDS research). Nirvana acknowledged the song’s presence as a hidden track, and MTV even played a sample as the credits rolled. It would seem that Kurt was finally happy with the results, after several years and four attempts to capture it in the studio. However, the band would only perform the song once that year, and only a handful of times during the 1994 European tour. The band that made In Utero sounds quite different from the band that made Nevermind, even though a certain portion of the songs were written during that same period of Winter 90-Spring 91 (“Sappy,” “Pennyroyal Tea,” “All Apologies,” “Dumb” and “Radio Friendly Unit Shifter”). “Rape Me” was written during the mixing of Nevermind. By that point Kurt must have had a general idea of what Nevermind’s follow-up was going to sound like. This raises some excellent points when considering the observation that much of In Utero was written as a reaction to the fame Nevermind garnered the band. Almost half the album and two B-sides (counting “Marigold,” first recorded in 1990) existed in some rough form by the middle of 1991, well before the band reached stardom. In Utero contains some interesting lyrical departures. “Scentless Apprentice” is actually based on the book Perfume by Patrick Suskind, dealing with a maniacal perfume-maker who kills virgins for their scents. Kurt has stated in interviews that he identified with the antagonist, sharing with the character a dislike for most people and their smells– and this from a man who claimed never to use deodorants or cologne. “Milk It” was directly influenced by W.S. Burroughs, whom Kurt collaborated with only months before. With its talk of parasites, viruses, ectoplasm, and symbiotic relationships, the song mirrors themes Burroughs touched on in books such as Naked Lunch. The song morphs and squirms much like one of the author’s more horrid creations, and is the track most people point to when talking of In Utero’s anti-commercial stance. 35 Several songs deal directly or indirectly with Kurt’s lashing out at the media. Kurt makes his feelings plain in lines like “Use just once and destroy / Invasion of our piracy,” “My favorite inside source” and “It’s so relieving / To know that you’re leaving / as soon as you get paid... It's so soothing / to know that you'll sue me / This is starting to sound the same.” While we may not know the exact context he’s referring to, we know he’s merely getting back at the media that hounded him since he became famous. It is here that In Utero falters; we identified more with the dysfunctional relationships of Nevermind than with the spectacle of a rock star complaining about the media that begat his success. That’s not to say that the lyrics are bad. At times In Utero is more personal and confessional than any of Nirvana’s previous efforts. Songs like “Pennyroyal Tea” and “All Apologies” are as comforting as old friends, bolstered by Albini’s intimate recording. Stylistically, In Utero straddles several fences. The strummed-chord formula is represented by Nevermind leftovers “PennyRoyal Tea” “Dumb” and “Rape Me.” “Heart-Shaped Box” and “All Apologies” have main riffs consisting of picked notes; both are also the most melodic numbers on the album. Other numbers show Nirvana as coming full circle in their music, returning to the art-noise constructs of their 87 KAOS radio session and the Crover demo. Even so, Dave’s drumming highlights the progression songs like “Milk It” and “Scentless Apprentice” evince over older tracks like “Beeswax” and “Aero Zeppelin.” The newer songs flow more easily, accomplishing their objectives much more confidently. Quite simply, even at their most belligerent In Utero’s tracks work a definite groove. There were a few missteps. Kurt admitted later that “tourette’s” was an embarrassing throwaway, and dropped the song from the set before the In Utero tour even started. “tourette’s” fit the overall mood better than a song like “Verse Chorus Verse” did, so it made the album while better material lay forgotten, or more likely, left for a later album. Nirvana were clearly on their way to harnessing the roughness of their early work to the catchy music and personal revelation evinced on Nevermind. In Utero was an excellent attempt, a stepping stone from which the band could have attained unimaginable new heights. As it turned out, the album became their swan song. The world had yet to hear this opus, little suspecting (or perhaps suspecting for the wrong reasons) that this would be the band’s last full album. For now, the fans had to sate their appetites on the Jesus Lizard/Nirvana split single, released in February, and the Wipers tribute, released in March. Both songs were about ten months old, recorded at the Laundry Room the previous April. Nirvana occupied themselves with the “Sliver” video, shot in Kurt’s garage, and with planning the “Heart-Shaped Box” video (“Sliver” became the only video for Incesticide, though it was not re-released as a single). Chris took on a commendable project, organizing a benefit for Bosnian rape victims. The Novoselics’ hailed from that part of the world, and a growing awareness of his heritage prompted the bassist into changing his name from Chris back to the original spelling of Krist. (For the chronology’s sake Krist will be used throughout the rest of this essay.) Nirvana’s next major appearance was as headliners for this benefit, on April 9th, 1993. It was their first US show since the previous year, and the band certainly made up for lost time. The band played 24 songs, using the opportunity to debut (in the US) many In Utero tracks. Much was made of opener “Rape Me,” both for its subject matter and for its context within the show. The song fit easily within the set, as angry and honest as the other In Utero tracks, but as melodic as any of the songs off Nevermind. Rolling Stone covered the event, noting the arena’s loss of intimacy, and the similarity between the new songs and those off Incesticide. The article noted that the other bands on the bill (L7, The Breeders, and Disposable Heroes of Hiphoprisy) seemed to enjoy the chance to perform; only Nirvana acted as if to play was a distasteful chore. 36 “Negative Creep,” long a crowd favorite, was dropped from the set after this show. The band did not play their next show for more than three months, but the media kept them very much in the spotlight due to the controversy over In Utero. The album was mastered in April, save for “All Apologies” and “Heart- Shaped Box” which were remixed in May in an attempt to sound more commercial. The controversy arose due to Geffen’s well-publicized negative reaction to the album’s abrasiveness. It was noted that Geffen rejected an album submitted by Neil Young as being too uncommercial– God knows what they thought of In Utero. Nirvana’s remixing of tracks was portrayed as a capitulation to the demands of the corporate ogre. Both sides hastened to publicly deny this; Geffen claimed to be satisfied with the album, and Nirvana claimed it was entirely their decision to remix the more commercial songs of their album. Nirvana, at least, were telling the truth. The romance of an underground, aggressive sound had worn off, and self-doubt forced Kurt to at least make a try for the brass ring once more. The way he explained it, “Heart-Shaped Box” and “All Apologies” would draw in the casual listener, and thus expose them to the rest of the album’s challenging tracks– a truly subversive move after all. To that end, both songs were remixed in May, the chief move being to bump the vocals up in the mix. The entire album’s sound was sharpened slightly, defining the bass and vocals more. An extra guitar part and backing vocals were added to “HSB,” and the most horrendous portions of the song’s guitar solo were excised. Kurt suffered a well-documented and much-publicized heroin overdose on May 2nd. 911 was called, though Courtney took matters in her own hand by administering such drugs as Buprenorphine, Valium, Benadryl and codeine in order to revive him and induce vomiting. On June 4th, Kurt was arrested for domestic assault. Both Kurt and Courtney maintain that they were horsing around, and their quiet, conservative neighbors overreacted and called the police. By Washington law one of the two had to go to jail, so Kurt volunteered. Upon reflecting, he decided it should have been Courtney; at least that would have been funny. Dave Grohl took time out to do a tour with old bandmates Scream, finishing up just days before Nirvana’s next gig, a surprise appearance at at the New Music Seminar in New York. The show occurred at the Roseland Ballroom on July 23, and there significant changes occurred in the live show. For the first time since Jason Everman had been ousted from the band, a second guitarist had been added. Big John Duncan from the Exploited played his one and only show with the band, eventually to be replaced by another punk legend, Pat Smear from the Germs. An acoustic set was also added to the show, with Lori Goldston from Black Cat Orchestra on cello. By all accounts, the show was not one of their best. Kurt had overdosed yet again that very day before the show, and it was lucky the band had performed at all. By some accounts, the crowd behaved rudely during the acoustic set, demanding the hits. Kurt already felt stifled by the fans’ expectations of him, and was constantly looking for ways to innovate the live show and their music. As his descent into addiction worsened, this became harder and harder for him to achieve. Nirvana’s dark period was rapidly turning black. On August 6th the band played a benefit in Seattle for Mia Zapata, who was found murdered in July. Grief- stricken and angry friends formed Home Alive in response to the murder, advocating self-defense and empowerment for women everywhere. The benefit Nirvana played was to pay for the investigation of Mia’s murder, only recently solved due to DNA evidence. No evidence of this show has turned up, and speculation has run rampant that an unknown song, possibly “I Hate Myself and Want to Die” (which hadn’t been released yet) was played that night. Also rumored to have 37 been played is a hilarious cover of Terry Jacks’s “Seasons in the Sun,” and a cover of Led Zeppelin’s “No Quarter.” Tellingly, “Teen Spirit” was not played. This show would also be their last performance as a trio. Kurt made an appearance with Courtney to perform “Pennyroyal Tea” and “Where Did You Sleep Last Night?” at the Rock Against Rape Benefit in Hollywood on September 8th. With a performance on Saturday Night Live on September 25th (playing “Heart-Shaped Box” and “Rape Me”), this was the extent of the band’s activities until the fall tour started the following month. On October 18th, Phoenix, Arizona became the first stop on the In Utero world tour. Gone are the backstage shenanigans of the 91 tour. Nirvana in 1993 was a very different band than it was in early 1991. The sense of giddy expectation that surrounded the band had burst; Nirvana had surpassed all their goals and conquered every obstacle long before. What was left but to fulfill their obligations– to tour and perform, then pack up and do it again somewhere else? The shows were much more professional and uniform this time out; more so than any other tour, the set list was all but set in stone beforehand. To be sure, every night was a little different; songs were switched here and there, and the occasional cover made its appearance. But for the most part, the shows opened with “Radio Friendly Unit Shifter,” “Drain You,” “Breed” and “Serve The Servants.” From then on out the set was comprised of the standard choices from Nevermind and In Utero. All four Nevermind singles were usually in evidence, as were “On A Plain” and “Polly.” “Scentless Apprentice” was reserved for near the end of the set, and the show usually closed on “Blew,” followed occasionally by some form of “Endless, Nameless.” Of the remaining songs, “Sliver” was a mainstay until the very last. “Been A Son” was gone forever by the end of the first month. “Aneurysm” was rumored to have been played at Mia’s benefit; if so, it was the last performance for this excellent live staple. “Dive” fared little better, dropped from the set by Halloween. Gone for the most part were the one-off covers and new songs to be tested on the road (with one vital exception, 10/25/93). Gone were the stage dives into the audience; Kurt had discovered to his dismay that he was as likely to be torn apart or pickpocketed as ceremoniously returned to the stage. Gone were the impromptu jams and atonal jabs of feedback. Missed most of all was the band’s enthusiasm. The man who led the world’s greatest current rock band was reduced to standing on the opposite side of the stage and playing long-neglected songs like “Lounge Act” and “Sappy” to relieve the tedium of playing live. After about seven years in a band, and two of those as a star, Kurt Cobain was bored with it all. The shows were uniformly good, despite the cloud hanging over the proceedings. Nirvana was now playing arenas and similarly large venues, and if the atmosphere lacked in intimacy the band made up for it with a steady supply of good equipment, competent showmanship and excellent material. When the crowd was especially excited, the band responded with a performance as powerful as the shows they had once played as a minor club band. In Utero shows were never bad to begin with, but Kurt’s growing problems cast a pall over the band that not even the most enthusiastic performance of “Teen Spirit” could alleviate. Pat Smear’s addition on guitar did not produce any noticeable change in Nirvana’s sound. On many bootlegs he is indistinguishable from Kurt’s own guitar. He did play an indispensible role by keeping the band’s spirits up, or rather, keeping Kurt’s up. Not even Dave or long-time friend Krist could talk to him anymore, so the job fell to “neutral” insider Pat. One wonders what he must have thought about Kurt’s addiction, after watching fellow Germs member Darby Crash slowly kill himself with heroin, too. 38 One early show from the tour has achieved legendary status: the October 23rd show at the Aragon Ballroom in Chicago. The band played a good set, but the inclusion of a song now known as “You Know You’re Right” (aka “Autopilot,” “You’ve Got No Right” or “On A Mountain”) has made this show a must-have among fans. “YKYR” was played one time only on this night, though it was rumored to have been played the previous week in Albuquerque. “YKYR” seems to be about Courtney, or love in general. Lyrics such as “I don't really love her / I don't think I want her / Ain't gonna take to love again / It's the way your love hurts / It's the way your mad again / I don't think I'll love again” seem to bear this interpretation out, though of course one would have to ask whether these words were correct (Kurt’s mumbling is especially inaudible on this bootleg) and whether Kurt would publically state such things about his wife. (The lyrics would change once again with the release of the song on Nirvana on 2002.) Hole performed the song (and credited it to Kurt) on their own Unplugged special, giving it a much different groove. Courtney changed some lyrics, most notably changing “Pain” to “Hey.” This was admittedly inadvertent, as she discovered on closer listening to Nirvana’s studio version years later. Hole’s version is very similar, looking back, with an even more pronounced groove than the original had. From comparing both live and studio recordings, we can see that “YKYR” is much different from the songs of Nevermind and In Utero, an intriguing direction Nirvana never had a chance to explore more fully. It is also possible that this song broke Kurt’s writer’s block; he had complained in his final Rolling Stone interview of being completely out of songs at that time, yet we know plans for the next album were discussed throughout the tour and preparations to record it were started the following January in Seattle. Whatever magic the band worked on the 23rd failed them two days later at their second gig at the Aragon. Although no copy of the show is circulating, it was rumored to be a very bad performance. Rolling Stone’s David Fricke would interview Kurt later that night, and chronicled the grim proceedings. “Teen Spirit” wasn’t even attempted, a sure sign the band was in a bad mood. If the rumors are true, this show also marked the last appearance of “Love Buzz,” Nirvana’s debut single. It would be the final casualty from the Bleach era. Since 1989, songs from the first album had fallen by the wayside one by one, starting with “Sifting” in 1989, just months after Bleach’s release. Only “Blew,” “About A Girl” and “School” remained, permanent fixtures in the set until the very end. The tour continued, with a few interesting sidetracks along the way. In Dayton, Ohio, Nirvana stopped the show, somehow convinced that old drummer Chad Channing was in the audience. He wasn’t, but the band continued to ask him to join them onstage throughout the show. Was it nostalgia for a better time, a time full of hope and excitement and uncertainty? The next night in Akron, which was Halloween, saw the band in a lighter moment. Each member came out dressed in costume; Dave as a Mummy, Pat as Slash from G ’n’ R, Krist as Ted Danson in whiteface (Danson had recently committed the bizarre act of appearing in public in minstrel blackface, accompanied by then-girlfriend Whoopi Goldberg), and Kurt as... Barney, the purple dinosaur. In 1993, Barney was the newest rage among kids, and as a father Kurt would have been well acquainted with him. In mid-November the band resurrected “Donuts,” with Everett True himself taking lead vocals for two consecutive shows. This odd little song was probably tacked on to the set only because Everett happened to be on hand; otherwise both shows were pretty standard. 39 On November 18th, the band paused in New York to record their MTV Unplugged special. Kurt was genuinely happy with the results, going so far as to rave to his mother about the proceedings. He had every right to be proud. While their Unplugged show was not as polished as, say, Pearl Jam’s or Eric Clapton’s, it was exactly the sort of show an innovative yet raw indie band would have performed; Kurt’s instincts for the mood and format of the show were dead- on, giving the audience an honest, compelling artistic statement. Amidst an almost funereal backdrop of flowers and candles (unlike Stone Temple Pilots, Nirvana stopped just short of folksy by eschewing rocking chairs) Nirvana’s performance was as intimate as it was stark. The addition of cello and accordion (on “Jesus...”) somehow made perfect sense for the band that had once recorded “Beeswax” and “Negative Creep.” The songs most obviously suited for an acoustic format are all in evidence: “About A Girl,” “Polly,” “Come As You Are,” “All Apologies,” etc. “Dumb” was played in various acoustic settings since 1990’s KAOS appearance. “All Apologies” was perhaps the only bona-fide hit, and that was only because it was the soon-to-be released next single. Deliberately missing are acoustic versions of megahits such as “Lithium” or “Drain You.” Kurt was disdainful of the Unplugged tradition of merely replicating an artist’s greatest hits in acoustic format; he really wanted to forge new ground and give the listener his money’s worth. To that end, an unprecedented six covers were strewn throughout the set, comprising almost half of the show. “Jesus Doesn’t Want Me For A Sunbeam” was a Vaselines cover performed sporadically over the previous two years, most prominently as the opener of the Fall 91 tour. Its melancholy lyrics and melody were perfectly suited for Unplugged. Also perfect was the David Bowie song “The Man Who Sold the World.” Defying the oft-defied Unplugged credo of acoustic-only instruments, Kurt’s acoustic guitar was plugged in and run through an effects pedal to create the song’s memorable riff. “TMWSTW” was a new choice for the band, who would cover it in concert from then on. Aside from cellist Lori Goldston, the only guests that night were Curt and Cris Kirkwood of the Meat Puppets. Together, Curt and Cris and Kurt and Krist performed “Plateau,” “Lake of Fire” and “Oh, Me,” all selections from the Puppets’ second album. Some accounts hold that the members of Nirvana were unsure of what they were going to play right up until the day of recording, and that their tourmates were enlisted because they hadn’t quite mastered the Meat Puppets songs yet. In fact, Nirvana never did learn the songs; this performance marks their first and last appearance. The final song that evening was the Leadbelly tour de force “Where Did You Sleep Last Night?” This occasion marks the song’s first official appearance, although it was recorded by Mark Lanegan in 1989 and played by Nirvana both live and on the radio in electric and acoustic versions. The climax of the song, featuring Kurt’s bloodcurdling shriek, then slowly opening his striking blue eyes, has been called one of the greatest moments in music television. It’s hard to argue with this assertion, as Kurt’s pained, uniquely human voice connected with millions of viewers both before and after his death. With this performance Kurt managed to bridge over a hundred years of musical history, spanning Delta blues and modern punk, blending it all seamlessly and managing to make sense of it. Despite their pop/grunge sound, Nirvana could be seen as carrying on their own blues tradition of sorts, homegrown and starkly compelling. Nirvana’s Unplugged show was shown ad nauseam after the discovery of Kurt’s body. After the fact, Kurt’s subdued manner during the show took on a tragic cast. Even when he smiled, which was rarely, the smile never reached his eyes. Every movement was slowed, as if he was weighted down. It seemed as if Kurt was emotionally flatlining for all the response he gave to his surroundings. On the other hand, he was pretty much the same during 1992’s SNL performance. Perhaps that was just the way Kurt was in public. The media savored every lackluster move, however, painting its portrait of a doomed artist even before Kurt’s ashes were laid to rest. 40 For now, the show was a rousing success. The band went back on the road, down the East Coast to Florida, then around the Gulf towards Texas and then into America’s heartland. More than one review mentioned Kurt’s reserve, and his business-like attitude of performing, but as yet the tour’s momentum carried them forward. December 13th found the band back in Seattle, performing at Pier 48 in Seattle. The concert was taped for MTV’s Live and Loud New Year’s Eve special, with the Breeders and Cypress Hill opening (Pearl Jam bowed out when Eddie became sick). Nirvana was in much better form, playing an extremely energetic set and then trashing everything in site: instruments, amps and stage props. MTV’s broadcast edited out almost half the songs, but no real rarities were lost in the transition. The highlights were all captured, especially Kurt’s camera-spitting and general on-stage abusiveness. “Teen Spirit” was not played, but almost no one missed its presence. A bootleg pairing this show with its acoustic counterpart, the Unplugged session, minus “Oh, Me” and “Something In The Way,” was released after Kurt’s death, capturing perhaps the band’s finest moments of this late period. The tour continued on through Salem, Boise, Ogden, Denver, and into California. On New Year’s Eve the band played a bulky set, then initiated their own countdown to the New Year with the crowd. Fans who weren’t at the show watched the Pier 48 performance on MTV. It would be the last New Year Kurt would live to see. The U.S. tour finished on a good note in Seattle, after two Vancouver B.C. dates and one in Spokane, WA. In just under a month the band would begin the European portion of the tour. For now Kurt was occupied with the purchase of his new Lake Washington home. Kurt’s tastes ran towards much simpler fare; we can only assume such an ostentatious choice was at Courtney’s urging. Some accounts claimed they treated the house like an opium den, with blankets over the windows and clutter strewn everywhere. While rumors of Nirvana headlining that summer’s Lollapalooza began to spread, the band themselves were concerned with taking the first steps toward the recording of their next album. Just days before the band were to head for Europe, time was booked at Robert Lang Studios in Seattle. Pat Smear was still in Los Angeles, again leading to speculation as to how much a part of the band he really was. Krist and Dave completed their parts in a few days. The third day, Kurt recorded his guitar tracks and completed the vocals on one song only, “You Know You’re Right.” It has been said that Krist and Dave worked on their own songs as well, with “Exhausted” from the Foo Fighter’s debut being a likely candidate. All we know for sure (fairly sure) is that “YKYR” was completed and a batch of song fragments were attempted, but not finished. “You Know You’re Right” finally saw release eight years later in a greatest hits package simply called Nirvana. Some fans grumbled at having to pay for the redundant hits that they already had, but it was a fairly good deal for the average fan. The original, superior version of “Been A Son” saw a wide release, as was the single-version of “Pennyroyal Tea” remixed by Scott Litt but never released as a single. It can be found on the censored-cover version of In Utero found in Wal-Mart stores (the back collage is obscured and “Rape Me” reads as “Waif Me”). The real find, of course, was “YKYR.” The album was rushed to the streets when the track somehow became available online– an inevitable occurrence these days. The track is somewhat shorter than the live version circulating on bootlegs. While that version was probably still in the experimental stages, here we see the studio version cut to the barest essentials. Kurt’s voice is subdued for the most part, even on the “Pain” chorus, except for when he cuts loose on the second pre-chorus. The buzzing guitar propels the song along, with the bass and drums pounding an urgent, insistent beat. The lyrics seem to find Kurt in a state of resignation, ready to withdraw and let the subject of the song 41 overwhelm him. Most fans have interpreted the song to be about Courtney Love; with lyrics such as “Nothing really bothers her / She just wants to love herself” Kurt seems both admiring and condemning. She just wants to Love herself? Once again Kurt seems to admit his failures and embrace them: “Things have never been so swell / I have never failed to fail.” This was a fatal flaw of Kurt’s; embracing and nurturing his faults, instead of admitting and conquering them. The chorus seems to reveal that Kurt was fully aware of this, and admitting it to his stronger but still-suffering wife: “Paiiiiiiiiiiiiiin / You know you're right.” As the last studio Nirvana song, it is not the Second Coming, as some fans predicted. Yet, written and recorded eight years ago, its originality and artistry is still remarkable when considering the song’s competition in today’s charts. Dave Grohl has cautioned against reading too much into the lyrics, in light of what happened later, but it is almost impossible not to do so. Stylistically it is nothing like Nevermind and In Utero. Lyrically it seems autobiographically, but without the dilution of Kurt’s media/fame persecutions found in In Utero’s work. Just as “Been A Son” and “Sliver” were clear steps forward from the grunge and post-punk stylings of the band’s roots, “You Know You’re Right” is a tantalizing step past anything Nirvana had done so far. The promise of what might have been is almost as unbearable as the promise of what was lost. At the beginning of February the band travelled to Europe, with new cello player Melora Creager in tow. She never rehearsed with the band prior to performing, and the tensions she faced were but one example of how Nirvana was rapidly dividing. Kurt told her to play what she wanted, while Krist wanted her to stick to the album’s cello parts. She eventually found a middle ground under Kurt’s tutelage. The first European performance was in France, at Canal+ Nulle Part Ailleurs. This television performance has been widely bootlegged, revealing straightforward renditions of “Rape Me,” “Pennyroyal Tea” and “Drain You.” Kurt’s guitar was having problems, forcing him to toss it and scream into the microphone during “Drain You.” It is rumored that the band played at least another three songs. The following shows in Portugal and Spain were somewhat uncomfortable until the band and crew grew used to each other. By now the camps were separated into two buses– Krist and Dave in one, Kurt and Pat in the other. Courtney later explained to Rolling Stone that Kurt was hating everybody but Pat Smear at this point, and he was missing his wife terribly. Co-dependence in the early stages of their relationship had bloomed into genuine dependence on Kurt’s part by this point. Courtney was pursuing her own interests with Hole, and could not join him for another month– an event that ended in near-disaster. Towards the ides of February, it was obvious to everyone that Kurt was depressed. The shows were going well, so nobody rocked the boat– and then Kurt started to lose his voice. From here on out Kurt got progressively sicker in mind and spirit, culminating in the premature end of the tour. The moment of no return was rapidly approaching, and none of those around him dared to take the appropriate steps. Perhaps they were afraid of upsetting the delicate balance, afraid of derailing the entire tour simply because Kurt was bummed. Perhaps it was easier to wait for Kurt to snap out of it. Even towards the end the concerts had their bright moments, with the band breaking out of the routine established during the American tour. In Rennes, France, the opener “Radio Friendly Unit Shifter” morphed into “My Sharona” by the Knack– a band Kurt himself compared Nirvana with more than once. During that same show, “Sappy” made an appearance; this performance of the song is widely circulating in part because of its appearance on Outcesticide 4. The song was a welcome addition to the set, as was “Lounge Act.” Both songs found their way back into the set on the European tour; for Kurt, the novelty of playing these songs live helped alleviate the boredom for a time. 42 On February 20th, Kurt turned 27; it would be his last birthday. He would fulfill the requirements of that “stupid club” his mother referred to after his death (rock stars such as Hendrix, Joplin and Morrison dead at age 27) by less than a month and a half. The next day, the band reached Italy. In Modena, fans were treated to an acoustic version of “The Man Who Sold The World,” normally played electric. Their Palagacchio show in Rome the following night was a highlight, released on bootleg as Roma. Krist was very vocal, perhaps due to an overabundance of caffeine. Kurt was relatively quite between songs, leaving the stage as the rest of the band jammed their finale. On February 23rd, Nirvana performed on The Tunnel, the Roman equivalent to Saturday Night Live. Both songs, “Serve The Servants” and “Dumb,” can be found on Outcesticide III. After two more shows in Milan, Nirvana journeyed to Slovenia to perform at the Tivoli in Ljubljana. For the occasion the band jammed on a short cover of “Stojim Na Kantunu” by the Croatian band Avoli. It’s probable that “Stojim” was performed at the urging of Nirvana’s Croatian member, Krist, who had relatives in the audience. March 1st saw the band playing their final show ever in Munich, Germany. Kurt was sick with with laryngitis and bronchitis by this point, compounded by his depression. Two final German dates were cancelled, and the two-week break the band was to have after completing this leg of the tour was taken early. The band split up– Krist went to Seattle, Dave remained in Germany to work on the Backbeat video (Backbeat was a Beatles movie with an alternative supergroup playing the soundtrack songs; Dave played drums), and Kurt and Pat went to Rome to await Courtney. On March 3rd, Courtney arrived at Kurt’s hotel. Whatever happened there that night, the results were the same: Courtney discovered Kurt unconscious the next morning, after downing champagne and a prodigious amount of Rohypnol, a prescription drug used for insomnia. Did Kurt suffer from insomnia as well as his other medical and psychological problems? Or was he already planning what at the time seemed to Courtney like a spur-of-the-moment decision? Kurt was rushed to the hospital and revived. DGC, Courtney, and Nirvana’s management publicly stated it was an accidental overdose, but many were not so sure. Fans around the world sighed in relief, taking comfort that their generation’s hero had not offed himself as stupidly as previous rock casualties Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, Janis Joplin, Brian Jones, John Bonham, etc., etc. Kurt returned to Seattle, cancelling the remainder of the European tour. Nirvana as a recording and touring entity was finished, even if only Kurt really knew it. He kept this matter to himself, however, carrying on as if it was business as usual. The Lollapalooza tour still loomed in the summer, and with that in mind he held one final session in the basement of his house, with Pat Smear and Eric Erlandson of Hole in attendance. Even though Nirvana would decline the offer to headline Lollapalooza, it was assumed at the time that the pick of this batch of songs would be paired with some Unplugged tracks for an EP to coincide with the tour. Wishful thinking has dominated fan conjecture as to the identity of these songs. Many believe that older, forgotten gems like “Talk To Me” and “Opinion” were revisited at this last session, and the evidence does indeed bear this out. First, Kurt had complained since the recording of In Utero that his music ability had withered on the vine. It would have been an obvious move to revisit these songs, hoarded like a squirrel’s nuts to withstand the long winter of Kurt’s writer’s block. Second, in the Rolling Stone interview conducted some time after Kurt’s death, Courtney acknowledges that three songs were left behind– “Clean Up Before She Comes,” “Talk To Me” and “Opinion.” Courtney spoke as if the songs were finished, or at least demoed, so it’s a good possibility that at least one of these songs was recorded in March of 1994. 43 Courtney’s recent online ramblings have intimated that stacks of Kurt’s tapes were laying around after his death, until Eric rescued them and handed them over to her. She has also declared that she will release her own album of Nirvana/Kurt Cobain rarities to compete with the box set that Krist and Dave are currently working on. Whether any of this is true remains to be seen. As of now, it seems that Krist and Dave have control of and will release Nirvana’s studio and demo work. Courtney has all the material that Kurt worked on by himself, or with Pat and Eric. According to her posts, there were many of these tapes lying around. We can only hope that all such material will eventually be released, by both camps, and without the thirty-year wait that Beatles fans had to submit to. Sometime before or after this basement session, police were summoned to the Cobain household once more. Kurt had locked himself into a room to get away from his wife... and there happened to be guns inside with him. Courtney was not about to let a repeat of Rome occur, so she had the police get him to open the door and confiscate the guns. Through it all, Kurt denied any suicidal intent. The guns just happened to be in the room when he locked Courtney out. Courtney staged an intervention on March 25th. Kurt was still in complete denial, but acquiesced when Courtney suggested he check into rehab in LA with her. She flew out before he did, giving Kurt the opportunity to obtain a shotgun through his best friend Dylan Carlson (also a drug user, also present at the intervention). After the pair bought the weapon, Kurt flew down to LA and checked into the Exodus Recovery Center. He checked right out again two days later, by hopping over the wall and heading straight back to Seattle. (Exodus is a voluntary clinic, meaning that it’s about as easy to leave the place as it is to leave the average high school.) The events leading up to Kurt’s death have been well documented in books such as Rolling Stone’s Cobain. He eluded friends like Mark Lanegan, who’d been looking for him since the previous week, and the police (Kurt’s mother filed a missing-persons report on April 4th, listing him as armed and listing the address of his drug connection– surely supplied by Courtney). Despite the efforts of Tom Grant, a private detective hired by Courtney, despite several sitings in and around Seattle, Kurt Cobain was found dead of a shotgun blast on April 8th. Controversy surrounded him even in death. Many fans couldn’t believe that the leader of the number one rock band on the planet would find himself as bereft as themselves, and take his own life. Slowly, rumors began to spread that Courtney did it, rumors aided not in the least by Tom Grant himself. He began telling anybody who would listen that Courtney had masterminded the whole thing, going so far as to look discreetly for a hitman to do the job. Why? Those in the anti-Courtney camp claim that Kurt was worth more dead than alive. He had turned down the offer to headline Lollapalooza, effectively throwing away nine million dollars. Whatever happened later, it is known that Courtney was displeased. But would she go that far? The situation was muddied further when one El Duce, frontman for “rape-rockers” The Mentors, claimed that Courtney had offered him $50,000 to do the deed. The reason she had chosen him? He was the only one she knew crazy enough to do it. His interview can be seen in the pseudo-documentary Kurt & Courtney, and he does make a convincing argument– for his craziness, not for his abilities as hit man. Conspiracy theorists had a field day when El Duce was killed a week after the interview, allegedly hit by a train when drunk. Then Kristen Pfaff, bassist for Hole, died of a drug overdose before she was to move back to Minneapolis. It’s all falling into place, the theorists claimed. Duce talked, and Courtney had him silenced. Kristen wanted to leave the band, so Courtney killed her as well. 44 Who to believe? Each theory holds weight, if you’re inclined to believe that Courtney is capable of murdering her husband because of greed. Many people seem to hold this view, because of Courtney’s outrageous behavior and her headstrong, feminist views. She’s a bitch, therefore she killed Kurt! And the suicide note? “It wasn’t a suicide note– it was merely interpreted that way after the fact. Kurt was saying farewell to his fans. The strangeness of the note’s contents is proof enough, they say. Nobody writes a suicide note like this.” “Kurt couldn’t have pulled the trigger anyway. He had injected quite a bit more than the lethal dose of heroin before his death, and would have been too incapacitated to act.” The fact of the matter is, Kurt probably did kill himself. All the previous points are good ones, and raise valid questions concerning the circumstances. But Kurt had contemplated suicide many times over the years, as far back as his teens. He certainly mentioned it in several interviews. He was a bi-polar depressive, and drug use exacerbated his condition. He did have Carlson buy the gun for him, days before the deed. If one accepts that Courtney was just as much a victim of her husband’s pointless death, and not the perpetrator, then consider: she claims to have another suicide note left directly to her and Frances, she claims that Kurt threatened suicide many, many times over the course of their relationship, and she claims that Kurt had an unhealthy fascination with the many guns he owned– yet never shot them recreationally, at a target range. If the guns were for protection, as Kurt claimed, wouldn’t one have been enough? Kurt was dead after the Rome overdose. Despite his resuscitation, his spirit was gone. He went through the motions expected of him until the Seattle intervention, and made his choice when he had the gun purchased for him: this life was not for him any longer. Kurt resisted the role of generation spokesman, and with reason. He didn’t speak for the rednecks and small- minded. He didn’t speak for the status quo and those who didn’t want to rock the boat. He spoke for himself, and by extension the misfits, the disenfranchised, the unwanted. His songs were heard and taken up by the vulnerable, the sensitive, and the angry. In one fell swoop Nirvana negated rock’s excessiveness, returning it to the realm of the neighborhood poet, the garage band down the block, practicing with no other thought in mind than to get their music on vinyl and heard by their peers. Nirvana’s legacy has been taken up by the likes of Bush and Stone Temple Pilots and a legion of others. They haven’t the breadth and pathos of the original, but their hearts are in the right place. By aping the same attitudes and sound, they are at least taking the first step in the right direction. It wasn’t about money, or fame. It was about expression and integrity, and, yes, it was about having fun. Kurt Cobain had a genius when it came to music; perhaps it compensated for his inability to cope with other areas in his life. Perhaps the same gift others envied of him led him to seek out ways to numb the demons that filled the yawning gulfs within. Kurt wasn’t an angel; he didn’t deify his heroes, so why should we? His greatest gift, aside from the music, was to clarify what rock and pop music should mean, and could be– intimate, comforting, articulating the rage of the powerless. Nirvana’s integrity was an example all bands would do well to keep in mind– signing to a major label is not necessarily a sell-out. Use the forum, help out your peers, and don’t lose yourself in the machinery, to be used and spat out like a worn cog. Kurt ultimately lost the battle. More precisely, he lost touch with himself, unable to enjoy the life the rest of us live. This doesn’t take away from his achievements; no, it makes them greater in light of the spiritual and psychic 45 wounds he carried. Heroin couldn’t heal him; it helped him reach Nirvana for a little while, but the world was always there when he came back. Not even the family that loved him could help him. Perhaps nothing could. Kurt’s passing taught us something. Beauty fades. It withers away with the passage of time. Nothing good can last. But the music does. It affects us still, and the waves Nirvana created in 1991 are still being felt, ripple upon ripple lapping every shore in the world, shifting beaches and changing the course of small streams, unnoticed. There’s another Nirvana out there, somewhere, but not for us. The children of another day will embrace their own poets and heroes, and we will wonder what the commotion is about. Their heroes cannot equal our heroes. Our parents said the same thing, and so did their parents. We’ll always remember Kurt. To call him a hero is stretching the definition somewhat. True, he didn’t save lives, or end suffering. He was just a junkie with a guitar. But he brought us together, made us aware that we are not alone. No other punk or indie band could have done it. For that alone we are grateful. The culture is fast lapsing back to what it was before Nirvana came along; baggy pants have replaced the hairspray and spandex, but the mindless conformity is creeping back. Listening to Nirvana we can instantly recall the clarity Kurt once provided. We can remember the soul the music still evinces. Thanks, Kurt. We may meet once more in the next life, but not again in this one. Peace, love, and empathy.

This essay could not have been written without the factual information amassed from the various books about Nirvana and from the following websites: www.nirvanaclub.com, the Nirvana Live Guide at http://ksproul.threadnet.com/nlg/ and www.livenirvana.com. The facts are theirs but the thoughts on the music and Kurt’s art are mine. Special thanks to the worldwide Nirvana trading community, without whom I would never have had any opportunity to hear the vast majority of Nirvana’s live shows. All the facts contained within can be found in the sources mentioned above, but the reader would have to consult many different web pages and books. Hopefully, this broad overview can give the new fan as well as the old a general idea of the history of Nirvana, conveniently and quickly. By all means, refer back to the original sources. And if I have gotten any of my facts wrong, be kind– I had as many as four web pages and several books open simultaneously to fact-check with. It was very easy to get something wrong, but I did my best. Questions, comments, and corrections can be sent to [email protected].