AUGUST 30 COMMODORE BALLROOM TICKETS ALSO AT SCRAPE

WITH SPECIAL GUESTS MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE SECONDS TO GO

ALL AGES MATINEE DOORS 2:00PM SHOW 3:00PM

SEPTEMBER 3 COMMODORE BALLROOM TICKETS ALSO AT ZULU AND SCRATCH IInnarnnardsds

THE NERVE CCoovveerr SSttoorryy HIT SQUAD

King Pin (a/k/a Editor-In-Chief) Bradley C. Damsgaard [email protected] ARRRR! Pistol Whipper (a/k/a Music Editor) Adrian Mack It’s completely point- [email protected] less to discuss the The Corpse (a/k/a Bridge Burner impact of Pirate Culture & Railway Sabotage) Sarah Rowland on Rock ‘n’ Roll but we The Getaway Driver did it anyway! You (a/k/a Production Manager) Pierre Lortie should check it out. If [email protected] you can tear your eyes 2 Bit Rounder (a/k/a Editorial Assistant) away, that is. Are you Ryan Calvery still even reading this? Weapons Cleaner (a/k/a Article Editor) Yeah, we know. We see Jon Azpiri Surveillance Team it. (a/k/a Photographers) Laura Murray, Jeremy Van Nieuwkerk, 15

Miss Toby Marie photo: Badly Damaged

Launderer (a/k/a Book Editor) SideSixtySeven 13 J. Pee Patchez 11 There are things going on Vancouver that you should know Shotgun (a/k/a Film Editor) about. These skate punks have a few theories. (swims with the fishes)

The Henchmen (a/k/a Design & Graphics) Nazareth 10 Pierre Lortie, Annie Totalenkrieg Remember “Shanghai’d in Shanghai”? No? Big surprise. The Muscle (a/k/a Staff Writers) Atomick Pete, A.D. MADGRAS, Cowboy TexAss, Casey Bourque, Sinister Sam, The Homewrekers 10 Adler Floyd, Aaronoid, Billy Hopeless, D-Rock and Miss Kim, Michael Mann, The Edmonton punkettes have dirty, dirty mouths. Dirty, dirty Adrian Mack, Jake Poole, Max Crown, 8- mouths... Ball, Carl Spackler, Richard Murray, E.S Day, David Bertrand Girl Friday Otep 9 10 (a/k/a Subscriptions/Mailouts) Sue Hobler On the road, on the anti-warpath and on Bushie’s shit list.

Fire Insurance (a/k/a Advertising/Marketing Dept.) Brad Damsgaard, Kevin Angel, W.A.S.P. 11 Kristin Lamont Turns out the PMRC was right: destroys E.S. [email protected] Day’s impressionable young mind Cover Design and Photo Miss Toby Marie Cover Model Lindsay the Conqueror Who Cares? / Sound City Hooligans 19 The Nerve proudly presents its first scratch ‘n’ sniff feature Out-of-town Connections (a/k/a Distribution and Street Team) Calgary: Rick Overwater, Mike Taylor. Edmonton: Freecloud Records Graeme MacKinnon, Lindsey McNeill. Winnipeg: Phil and Ryan of Steel Capped Records, Off the Record 22 Victoria/Whistler: Jono Jak, Lindsay Seattle/Bellingham: Frank Yahr Maximum R&R, Clann Zu, Ex Girl, Comets on Fire, Atomic 7...

The Nerve is published monthly by The Nerve Cheap Shotz 7 Magazine Ltd. The opinions expressed by the writers and artists do not necessarily reflect those of The It’s on the next goddamn page, just go look for yourself Nerve Magazine or its editors. The Nerve does not accept responsibility for content in advertisements. The Nerve reserves the right to refuse any advertise- ment or submission and accepts no responsibility for Live Wires 21 19 unsolicited manuscripts or artwork. All content © Copyright The Nerve Magazine 2004 Stompin’ Tom, AC Newman, DKT/MC5, Demolition Doll Rods The Nerve Magazine 508 - 825 Granville St. What Were You Thinking? Worst cd of the month 24 Vancouver, B.C. Michael Mann is a Meth’d Up Welfare Loser 6 V6Z 1K9 604.734.1611 Skate Spot 25 Ainsworth 26 www.thenervemagazine.com Film 26 Crossword/Comics 27

5 Column Michael Mann is a Meth’d Up Welfare Loser NORTH SIDE KINGS ARE UNDEFEATED! Danzig got knocked the fuck out By Michael Mann n Sunday July 5, 2004, Misfits fans where The North Side Kings were supposed to floor. Danzig’s fans all yell “cheapshot” and a some sort of weapon in Danny’s hand though everywhere were shocked to learn that play a show with Danzig. After driving six guy, who I’m assuming is a member of the it’s frighteningly obvious that there wasn’t. ODanny from a relatively unknown hours to get to the show, the band arrived and group, let’s out a “North Side Kings are The delusions of the “it was a cheapshot/ he band called the North Side Kings attacked found Danzig onstage performing ahead of Undefeated” in his best metal voice (If you’re had a weapon” camp are probably a result of Glenn Danzig and stabbed him in the face. schedule. Once the washed-up Misfit finished wondering why cameras were rolling, it’s some sort of early adolescent trauma. Seeing When I heard that, it really got me thinking. his set, the house lights went on and crews because The North Side Kings were shooting Danzig getting rocked brought back painful I’m not a fan of Danzig or The Misfits so I began to tear down the stage and sound sys- footage for an upcoming DVD). In this memories of high school… where I imagine could care less if the dude got stabbed. But tem. Backstage, in front of all of Danzig’s writer’s humble opinion, this video is ten most Danizg/Misfits fans got their asses it’s not often we pause to reflect on how truly groupies and security, Danny from The North times better than the Paris Hilton Sex Video kicked on a daily basis. shitty it would be to have a sharp piece of ser- Side Kings and the cocky dark lord of metal and that video of the guy getting his head cut The consequences of the punch are far- rated metal shoved into your own face. Even have a calm discussion. Danny explains why off COMBINED. reaching. It’s obvious that The North Side someone anointed by Satan winces at the he was upset, then for no reason Danzig After the video got passed around more Kings are gonna be huge. How can they not prospect. screams “fuck you motherfucker” and gives times than the Nerve Editor’s mom, the shit be? One of their guys knocked out fucking Days later, a video surfaced and the online the hefty Danny a shove. Danzig, though geri- hit the proverbial fan. Danzig and Misfits Glenn Danzig for fuck’s sake. This story will world was abuzz. So many people were trying atric and smaller than Danny, is still in good message boards were flooded with posts and probably be on MTV by the time this article to download the video, The North Side Kings shape and apparently knows martial arts. then promptly taken down by an overzealous gets printed. It’s also clear that Satan favours website crashed (it’s back up now). Links to Danny screams “Fuckity” and lands a hay- webmaster who didn’t wanna see what Danny more than Danzig. Whether or not the clip popped up and quickly went down as maker that causes Danzig to spin around 360 remains of Danzig’s rep get destroyed, there will be a ceremony in Hell to hand over bandwidth limits were exceeded. Everyone degrees and collapse on the ground. Knocked Currently, it’s obsessive Danzig fans ver- the metal crown remains to be seen, but in the wanted this video. Finally a website the fuck out. On further review, the punch sus the rest of the online world. Danzig fans meantime, whenever you see an idiot in a (www.azpunk.com) large enough to handle all looks more like a giant bitch slap than an actu- are claiming that it was a cheap shot, even Misfits shirt, be sure to laugh at them (more so the traffic decided to host the video. al punch. A mob ensues and the camera pans though Danzig clearly pushed Danny first. than usual) and inform them of how their hero The video was shot at a show in Arizona down to show Danzig unconscious on the Danzig fans are also claiming that there was got knocked the fuck out. stills from www.azpunk.com

The argument... The return haymaker... Danzig attacks.... Danzig does the potato sack.

6 Mack & Co.

Cheap Shotz By Tamara Taggart one but two shitty books and any http://hotpunkgirl.com/links.html other form of merch that you could (lots of good links) possibly conceive, the creator of the http://www.barelyevil.com/ world’s worst music magazine has http://www.gothicsluts.com/ bestowed his valued insight on how http://www.xxxvampiresex.com/ to live a proper and balanced lifestyle. Maybe it’s a reverse psy- The Fox Rocks! So Does Your chology type thing- you know “How Granny! And They Both Suck Not to Live” by Gene Simmons. Do Eggs! the opposite and you’ll be fine. Hopefully there is a section focusing Chris Rebel and local ballet dancer on “How to buy a really bad hair Kevin Angel took The Fox by storm piece… even if you’re filthy rich” I during the Vancouver radio station’s personally need a touch-up. Sounds weekly Punkorama program last YOU HAVE… 1 like the Tony Robbins of Heavy week. After sitting through one too NEW MESSAGE, Metal has finally found a way to put Carl Spackler Remembers Linda many lab-engineered and Corp- FIRST MESSAGE... Ronstadt a nail in his own signature Kustom orate-sanctioned “”TM Received: July 8th 12:45pm KISS Koffin (also available online). new releases, Chris Rebel discov- When Linda Ronstadt did the right- -E.S. Day ered hitherto unplumbed depths of Hello, this is Carl, manag- eous thing and told audiences to go youthful disgust and liberally er of the Bread Garden on see Michael Moore’s Farenheit doing walking around Bangkok in Suicide Girls: A Balanced View, employed the word “sucks” to Denman, and , uh, we 9/11, all hell broke loose. The crowd that orange suit anyway? People from E.S. Day express his outrage. After being cau- at Las Vegas’Aladdin Casino report- said that the FBI had her locked up tioned by Company Robots during have your magazine on edly threw cocktails, tore seats, before the Iraqis got their hands on The Suicide Girls make me want to the commercial break, Chris then our rack and we actually drank blood, ripped the limbs from her. People say a lot of things. I’ll kill myself, but I have a major hard- went on to announce to Fox listeners don’t want your magazine suckling newborns, smeared human say this. Linda was a Great Lady. on for the darker side of the web. that he spends almost all his time in poop on their faces and threw-up And She was a Great Lay. Leather filth, deep-dish degradation: a basement meth lab, “cooking shit on our rack anymore. So, into each others mouths. This is Remember that Marvin Gaye song, here’s the path that many, mostly up”. Then he said “shit” a few more if you could please not put what we’re hearing, anyway. Linda “O Baby, You Sure Love to Ball”? me, have longed for. An authentic times and then followed up with it there because anytime it has been banned for life from The All about Linda, take it from me. taste of darkness. Translation: Slutty another handful of “sucks”. ends up on our rack we’ll Aladdin. She wasn’t even allowed to brunettes who wear too much black. Reportedly, the hangovers were go back to her room to retrieve her Gene $immons: Cures For The Beyond the stereotype of what a hot quite severe. Bill Grundy was not just put it in the garbage. mobile rocket launchers, fake pass- Cocksucker Blues Or: Goth chick should be (ie. some available for comment. Thank You and have a ports and anthrax spores. These are “Hey Gene, why don’t you blow Vampirella – type B&D slacker) I GREAT day (click). the tools of her trade. How is she me you misogynistic Jew bastard ended up stumbling upon images Chris Walter Faces Music supposed to make a living without you!” that don’t get me off. For me, them? I haven’t seen Linda for a chipped tooth runaways from Chris Walter, senile and Hello Carl, this is Brad long time now. When the video sur- On August 24th the world will have Montreal sporting green Mohawks Alzenheimer-ridden, would like to Damsgaard, managing faced yesterday, that was the first to endure yet another human traves- and torn t-shirts with The Exploited apologize for his Agent Orange time I seen her in close to two ty – Rock ‘n’ Roll’s greediest self- logo or a CBGB’s patch, don’t make review cock-up in last month’s tostand upright on decades to be perfectly honest. And proclaimed “Asshole” Gene a motherfucker give up his credit Nerve. The singer/guitarist for the Denman. Listen tiger, she didn’t look good. She was Simmons thinks he’s going to profit card #. But if you must, try out seminal So-Cal hardcore band was don’t play hard to get. The always a little on the Norse side for from his newest hobby: motivation- some of the following sites of indeed founding member, Mike only time a man mentions Carl, but at least back then she had a al speaking. Yes, the God Of grandeur that eliminate the need to Palm, and not a hired gun as report- little caboose on her and a button Fucking Thunder is at it again. He jerk off in your car while some ed. Please ignore his Stompin’ Tom his RACK that many times nose and she wasn’t all L.A. and will follow the release of the DVD squeegee whore spits on your wind- review, where he claims that Tom in one sentence is when decapitated and rolling around on with a speaking tour. Can’t blame shield during rush hour. once toured with Mike Ness. Hey he’s looking for someone the floor with her head missing. We him since his second solo album P.S Find me a site with that Emily Mack: I’m also available to fuck up dated for, like, ten minutes back in flopped before it even hit the stores. Strange chick giving head and I’ll other assignments. to UNLOAD his magazine ’78. C’mon! Hey, what was she As if it wasn’t enough to bear not give THAT a good review. - Chris Walter in it. Let’s both have a GREAT day! TRAGEDY MARS VANCOUVER FOLK FEST! Photos: Richard Murray I saw the best minds of my gen- I am Zebedee!! Menstrual Rain Mother Vegetable Hassle Faster Spirit Wind Breath.Twirl! Aaaghhh!! MOTHER-FUCKER!!! eration destroyed by madness, Weeping Vertigo Mother! Bean Starship! I weep! Yoni Purple Bulbous Vapour starving hysterical naked… Horses! Rise Dionysius!! I twirl!!!!

7 WESTERN CANADIAN TOUR 2004: Aug 19 Regina: Gaslight Saloon Aug 20 Edmonton: Stars (w/Black Market Inc.) Aug 21 Calgary: Night Gallery (w/Agriculture Club) Aug 23 Vancouver: Mike’s Tavern (w/Spread Eagle) Aug 25 Saskatoon: Amigo’s Aug 26 Winnipeg: Royal Albert

EP $ 99 MAXIMUM RNR 6-SONG 7CD British Columbia: Manitoba: • Downtown Vancouver: 556 Seymour St. 604-687-5837 • Downtown Winnipeg: 311 Portage Avenue 957-7700 • South Vancouver: 732 SW Marine Drive 604-321-5112 • Winnipeg South: 2195 Pembina Hwy. 269-8005 • East Vancouver: 3433 E. Hastings St. 604-298-0464 • Burnaby: 4568 Kingsway 604-439-0223 Alberta: • Surrey: 10280 135th. St. 604-589-7500 • Downtown Edmonton: 10232 106th Street 424-6000 • Langley: 20460 Langley Bypass 604-533-8600 • Edmonton South: 3110 Calgary Trail South 433-6400 • Abbotsford: 2369 McCallum Rd. 604-859-4200 • Downtown Calgary: 140 8th Avenue S.W. 232-1200 • Coquitlam: 2739 Barnet Hwy 604-468-1111 • Calgary N. E.: 3320-20th Avenue N. E. 293-5000 • Downtown Kelowna: 425 Leon Street 763-6300 • Calgary South: 23 Millrise Dr. 201-1900 • Downtown Victoria: 641 Yates Street 385-1461 • Red Deer: 5239 53rd Avenue 340-0500 • Downtown Nanaimo: 9 Commercial Street 753-3241 • Lethbridge: 1707 - 3rd Avenue South 381-6100 Music Doing The Otep Two-Step or If You Want to Build a Country, You Gotta Burn a Bush by Dave Bertrand tep are a dark and ugly entity of crush- amazing to see, we’re in the South… which is ing grooves and dreary moods; also the supposed to be a Bush stronghold and [in] close Omoniker of the woman who leads this proximity to his residence and it was amazing band, she of the bile-spewing lungs and bitter, to see how much support we have. I mean… lonely lyrics making infants cry worldwide. people are unhappy right now, people are real- Their brand new release, House of Secrets, is a ly unhappy with him, and… his inability to catalogue of scathing journeys into broken never admit that he’s wrong. childhoods and depression-fuelled anxieties. After we both applauded Capital/EMI for hav- Clearly, Otep aren’t the happiest of campers, ing the potatoes to stand behind an act with but their rage has a purpose: see their new such a loudly vocalized political agenda, Otep video for Warhead. With a mixture of Ralph lets me know that THE MAN ain’t all the same. Bakshi-ish negative painting and plenty of pop- In fact, sometimes he’s our friend. Sort of. up cut-and-paste animation, this is a stupen- Otep: You’d be surprised at just how many of dously stylish and viciously relevant all-out those bigwigs actually agree with what that assault on George All-American’s oil-monger- song [Warhead] suggests and what that song ing, egotistical war in the desert. So where else stands for. Usually the idea is that the rich peo- could a telephone chat lead except to an ple are Republicans and that’s a lie. There are appraisal of the state of things in the good ‘ol a lot of very wealthy people who oppose this U.S. of A.? I caught Otep during her tour with President, who oppose his administration, and When they need to catch their breath far from the m... ah fuck it Ozzfest, cutting more or less straight to the oppose the war in Iraq. meaty world of politics. Lots of Dubya-bashing I asked if this scenario had occurred at Ozzfest: was when I met two guys who were just out of John Kerry in the eyes of Otep and presumably politics. Because as Otep tells me, “in these Otep on one stage shouting for George’s head boot camp, and they were in the army and they a massive chunk of the G.I. Joe-minded masses. urgent times I don’t believe there is any other on a stake, while across the park, Zakk Wylde were headed to Iraq… and they had me sign But I felt it was time to move on and I brought way but to be aggressively political.” or some other down south jukin’ good ‘ol boy their army IDs. And they said, “We just want up the U Are Not Alone section of Otep’s web- For (I think) most Canadians, hating the preaching death to all commie lesbian jihad to thank you for speaking out, we want to thank site, a freakishly comprehensive list of online current Whitehouse regime is about as natural terrorists or some such crazy shit? you for supporting us, and we want to thank help sites, offering counseling on everything as a morning bowel movement. But I worry Otep: Those boys are… I don’t know, you you for what you’re saying about the President, from rape, to substance abuse, to tattoos, to about those easily led automatons to the South. know what, I tell you this: my response has because, you know, we feel the same way, and depression, and so on and so on. Very cool, So, to soothe our crumbling faith in the been fantastic. I say before we start the song there are a LOT of people in the armed forces and very compassionate, especially for a bunch American populace, and their seeming inability ‘Warhead’… it’s been said that you can’t sup- who feel this way.” of skull-stomping metalheads. So she started to to open sleep-gooey eyelids and take a look at port the troops and oppose the President, while So with that, we started to delve into the mili- speak… the flagpole shoved deep in their own asses, we support the troops and… we do oppose this tary-centric debate that I suppose is raging in Otep: Well, you know a lot of that was con- here are some comforting words from the tour President and he should’ve served when he had the States right now, about how “when [Bush] ducted to… well I…. diary: the chance, and I dedicate our set to the actually had his chance to volunteer, to go to Nerve: Hello? Hello? American women of the armed forces who con- Vietnam to fight in a war, to put his life on the …and the fucking phone cut off. Goddamn Otep: Yesterday we played Virginia, which of tinue to die for a lie, and I dedicate this song to line as he’s asking all these other men and conspiracy if you ask me. I thought I saw course is near the District of Columbia and so George Bush. And the crowd goes crazy… women to do, he opted out...” and how much Donald Rumsfeld fishing through my garbage forth, which is where the Whitehouse is and it’s One of the most moving moments on this tour that raises the image of decorated war hero the other day…

9 Hopeless THE HOMEWREKERS By Billy Hopeless the darkest shanty- leave your pro-life jackets and dockers at selves look like they have cred). Who are your town, you find the home! influences? most valuable booty- Adriana: Just punk rock filled chests full of Hopeless: So you Homewrekers have a song Madeline: A lame answer for a lame question gems and pure gold. putting down West Edmonton Mall where our Hopeless: I know, but I just figure maybe if I This was the case country’s Navy has its only two submarines write like the big league guys they’ll pick me with a bar called stationed. Yet I have a strange feeling that you up and actually pay me. But anyways, if little Bikini’s on the moor- really love the place, and buy all your under- girls are made of sugar and spice and every- ing dock of a beach garments at La Senza just like all the rest of thing nice, what are The Homewrekers made on the Red Deer coast us. If not, where do you get your panties, of? where we found our- ladies? Adriana: Hangover diarrhea, gut rot that selves surrounded by Madeline Homewreker: Value Village explodes all over the porcelain, and now every the Gap Army of the Adriana Homewreker: Yeah. Value Village time it happens I’ll think of you and this ques- Banana Republic. It boutique! tion. was obvious to the Hopeless: OK, so you’re still adamant that Hopeless: Well, since Lindsey Homewreker drunken eye that they you girls hate the mall which means that if I ain’t here, I’ll ask you. Why does she play a were not used to the was to take you out for a fancy dinner with B.C. Rich Warlock bass - the guitar made likes of us invading this here Nerve credit card I stole from our famous by that, in my opinion, way overrated their tavern and C.O. Bradley while he was busy reading bassist, Nikki Sixx? though we were vast- Forbes, I guess the food court wouldn’t be Madeline: She was so poor that she couldn’t ly outnumbered, our your place of choice. Where would you ladies afford a bass so she sent Nikki Sixx a picture of muskets were loaded like to eat with this tramp? her tits and he sent her his old bass. and we raised the Adriana: If Chez Pierre’s served food it would Hopeless: Yeah, yeah. And the more drinks I What happens on the road stays on the road mast with one hand definitely be there. It’s a strip club with experi- buy you, the more attracted to me you become, and drank with the enced (old) dancers. right? Well, have you girls any plans of releas- ou probably were too drunk on summer other. She was a terrible place to be, but what Hopeless: Chez Pierre’s it is then. Now ing anything other than your hands from my wine to have noticed, but my column made the stopover worthwhile was the fact that Adriana, I understand you’re dating not only wallet in the near future? Ywas absent from the last couple of we were soon joined by a gang of She Sea a member of The Wednesday Night Heroes, Madeline: We’re having our CD release at New issues. This is not due to Sarah (The She-Wolf) Demons from the port of Edmonton known as but also a member of The Whiz Kids who also City Likwid Lounge here in Edmonton, and Rowland making me walk the plank in hopes of The Homewrekers. This lot had the beauty of a hail from Edmonton. How do you manage to then we’ll have (the CD) with us on our upcom- feeding me to the sharks or losing me in the shiny pearl, yet the hard outer casings of steel juggle two front men, and has this caused any ing tour with The Ripcordz! We’re putting it Bermuda Triangle of mainstream French jour- barnacle-encrusted punk rock clams and they rivalry between the two bands? out ourselves and selling it ourselves! nalism where she now resides. No, it was just spat brine in the faces of every princess Paris Adriana: They fought once, but now I’ve got Hopeless: OK my sweethearts, it’s been once again time for me to set sail upon my ship. Hilton look-alike in the place. Naturally, an un- two words for you: ménage a trois. enchanting to say the least; but before you or The Black Halos went in search of high adven- natural bond was made and unlike the whisky Hopeless: That’s actually three words, but the bouncers carry me out of here, do you ture and unknown treasure under the barstools the wenches at the bar were serving, it was anyways, onto the token typical mainstream have any words of wisdom or advice for all the of the world. It was a hard and stormy voyage, strong and un-watered down fun we had that know-nothing reporter-style question of the punkettes and ditch divas who read my col- and though many were glad to see our ugly night. So be warned, The Homewrekers head to interview: You remind me of The Runaways umn religiously? faces, not every port was as welcoming as one sea this August alongside The Ripcordz, and if meets Seven Year Bitch meets L7 meets The Madeline: Always wipe front to back. might expect. If there’s one thing I’ve learned you plan on spending a night in their company Lunachicks meets Girlschool (mainstream Adriana: FUCK!!!! in life, it’s that sometimes on the worst wharf in don’t take my word for it—just read on, but writers try to use references to make them-

NAZARETH By Billy Hopeless remember back in the late 70’s during the Vancouver at The Commodore Ballroom. I Joan Jett did an amazing cover of “Love peak of KISS Mania, my older brother had heard that our city’s favourite scummy punk Hurts”, and even my band has ripped out a Ian exchange student from Ontario come bar The Cobalt was trying to book you. Why drunken “” live on rare occasion. stay with my family. He was a total badass didn’t ‘cha play The Cobalt? Has anyone put out a Nazareth tribute album rocker who smoked, skateboarded and had the Dan: I didn’t know about that. We just have an cos I’m not a genius, but it seems so obvious Nazareth album cover on the agent who does all our booking to me. back of his jean vest. He decided it was his Hopeless: Ahh, too bad. It’s a really great shit- Dan: Yes, there is one but there’s no one real- duty to explain to me that KISS was for little hole. Down ‘n’ dirty. It would have been ly huge on it. It’s called Another Hair of The kids, unlike Nazareth, who were a real rocker’s amazing. Dog. Some really good takes on our stuff on it. band. It took a few years, as I was still a huge Dan: It sounds like a horrible place. Hopeless: That’s cool. I just think your songs KISS fan, but sure enough, I sought out the Hopeless: Horribly fun. have reached and influenced a lot of rock ’n’ music that the older delinquent sage had spo- Dan: Ahh, I know the type. rollers so it just makes sense. ken of and I became such a huge Nazareth fan Hopeless: So please explain the song Dan: Yeah, it’s the greatest compliment a band that I even (unsuccessfully) attempted to coerce “Vancouver Shakedown” to everyone here in can get when someone else plays your song. a tattoo artist into treating my underage skin to Nerveland, wontcha’? When we were back doing huge, packed stadi- an inking of the No Mean City album cover. Dan: Well, we thought we were getting ripped um shows we’d always go off to find a pub to Now here I am in 2004 and I still love listening off buy a promoter one time in Vancouver so drink at and there would always be a young to old Snaz records, and I never seem to tire of we wrote a song about it. A lot of people got band doing one of our songs. It was really cool hearing the classic cover of Joni Mitchell’s really pissed off about it, but it’s not the city we and it’s really cool to hear there’s still people “” on the classic rock sta- were putting down, just the guy who was rip- playing them. tions. Nazareth have been a part of my life for ping us off which is a universal problem bands Hopeless: Ever hear any bad versions? a long time now and I don’t think I’ll grow out everywhere unfortunately have to deal with at Dan: Yeah, we were in an elevator in a hotel in of ‘em. So it’s my pleasure to bring forth an times. Japan and the elevator music was this young So this Cobalt place - it has hot interview with another of the voices that Hopeless: Now that we’re in a Vancouver state Japanese girl singing “”. I just tubs, right Billy? inspired me to sink 1,000 ships: Mr. Dan of mind, I should mention that a local band about shit my pants laughing. McCafferty. called Three Inches of Blood have recorded a Hopeless: That, my friend, is the biggest com- see is the hotel and the bar. It’s like cover of “Expect No Mercy” that does the pliment: Japanese elevator music. You’ve had Vancouver’s on the end of the world or some- Hopeless: So Dan, this is a huge honour as original justice. Have you heard it? a long run and you’re still running, and from thing. Friends always ask me when they’re I’m a huge fan of your music. Do you still do Dan: No I haven’t. That’s great! I’ll have to what I hear you’re in as good condition vocal- going to Vancouver for a vacation, what’s cool the song “Telegram” live? Cos I think that’s find it and give it a listen. What’s the name? ly as ever. What’s the secret, wise one? How and I say “well, The Commodore’s great.” where your voice really hits me, and I think Three Inches of…? can Billy save his gravelly voice? Hopeless: Well, now you can say The Cobalt, it’s the ultimate song to describe the bitter- Hopeless: Blood. Dan: I’ve been lucky, I guess. My secret is that hahaha! But I should be off now, so any last sweet taste of rock ‘n’ roll fame. Dan: Sounds like some very serious lads. I don’t worry about it. I don’t get all worried if words of wisdom or advice for all the teenage Dan: No, but thanks. We had to stop playing it. Hopeless: Nah, they’re kittens. But while it’s too smoky or too cold in a room. I think stargazers and young starving musicians who We’d been opening with it for 17 years, and we we’re on the subject of Nazareth covers, that’s the key: don’t worry, just have a good read my column? just needed to change it up and give it a break. there’s a ton of them out there. Guns ‘n’ Roses time. Dan: Yes. Be true to yourself, play what you Hopeless: Damn, just like all the girls say, I did “Hair of the Dog”, and it’s a well-known Hopeless: What are yer favourite places in want, be who you want and keep knocking on came too late. But anyways, by the time this fact that Axl Rose basically practiced singing Vancouver? doors. comes out you’ll have already played to Nazareth songs to get his vocal styling. Dan: It’s funny, all we really ever have time to

10 Music Captain Codpiece Strikes Again! By E.S. Day t slices, it dices, it makes women uncom- life? fortable and metrosexuals raise an eyebrow Blackie: Depends on what your definition of Iand it’s attached to the crotch of Blackie what selling is. I clearly say in the liner notes Lawless. This former member of The New that if people are motivated to start… asking York Dolls and Killer Kane and Tipper Gore’s the eternal questions about their own existence, personal Anti-Christ is back to the drawing trying to figure out what their own purpose is board with The Neon God, a concept album that about, then this record will have been a suc- seems to stray from the acronym of the band’s cessful record. moniker (We Are Sexual Perverts). I was quite excited about interviewing this Well I guess that means yes. I’m now con- metal god/tough guy. Unfortunately, he didn’t vinced that he’s either watching TV while talk- seem that enthused about answering the same ing to me, on some serious drugs, or just woke ‘ol stupid questions I had arranged for him. up. I thought I’d give him a chance to discuss Then it hit me. He truly is a rock star. Why? the new album- even though I don’t want to. Coz he just doesn’t give a fuck. Some hardcore medication might have something to do with it E.S. Day: Are you trying to get a message as well, as you’ll find out…. across with this new album or just telling a story? And who’s going to give a shit? E.S. Day: Do you miss the old days? Blackie: Same as above. Blackie: No. I mean, it doesn’t matter… you know, that expression – “Those were the good Whew! Brutal. ol’ days”. E.S. Day: After The NY Dolls broke up, you E.S. Day: We’ve come a long way since the and went on to form Killer Kane. PMRC days. Gone are the lawsuits for sublim- How has his recent passing affected you? inal messages etc. But I just read that three Blackie: (Extremely long awkward pause) people in Wisconsin were arrested for an armed Ah… it’s just hard to put into words right robbery of a convenience store in order to get now… I still don’t know yet, to be honest. money for Ozzfest tickets. Does this bother you and does W.A.S.P. still have mentally “unbal- At this point I felt very bad for him. After all he anced” fanatics? did just lose a lifelong friend and I could hear it Blackie: (sigh) Well, does it bother me? is his voice. I think I inadvertently set the tone Hmmm… ah, well… (clears throat) Well yeah, for the rest of the interview. what are you going to say? If you’re going to do the contrary, then like, you know, you’re E.S. Day: What do you think of metal today? breaking the law. But aside from all that… And is W.A.S.P still considered a “Metal” band uh… well… uh, what are you going to say or a just an R&R band? (laughs)!! It is what it is. Blackie: Well, I think that would depend large- ly on who you talk to; I mean, you know, I Metal God Blackie Lawless is giving me a always thought that we were both. complex now. What is he talking about? Am I E.S. Day: Your new label, Sanctuary, seems to stoned? Is he stoned? I feel disabled. Please be getting huge, so will W.A.S.P. be getting a dear God (or Satan?): give me the strength to bigger promotional push like it did back in the get through this fateful interview. day with Capitol? Blackie: Well time will only tell – it’s a differ- E.S. Day: OK Blackie, let’s role-play. You are a ent sort of a label, I really couldn’t answer that drug dealer. Your product? W.A.S.P. CDs. I’m for you. an addict. My jones: beating my head off the pavement like I used to when I put on the first OK, this is going nowhere – I think. W.A.S.P. album. What have you got for me today? E.S. Day: There’s a lot of bands still wearing Blackie: Headless Children. make up, masks, blood, etc… does that mean E.S. Day: Fave W.A.S.P. tour from the 80’s? it’s OK to be silly again? It seems one thing to Blackie: Opening the Iron Maiden tour in ’87. “put on a show” and another to be an idiot - E.S. Day: Did the interview from dressed up and delivering horrible music. The Metal Years movie hurt the bands’ image (I should mention that, off the record, I was back then? And where are Chris, Randy and W.A.S.P.’s Blackie Lawless. Also pictured: one pint of E.S. Day referring to Slipknot, whom Blackie admitted Tony these days? to not hearing. Therefore this question went out Blackie: Couldn’t tell you where they’re at, but like a billion dollars, and like… where did that project; I’m a little worn out right now. Yeah, the window. I started to get the feeling that if I as far as hurting our image – I don’t think so; I billon dollars come from in the first place? I you know, I subscribe to the whole theory that had been in his shoes: toured the world, sold mean, everybody pretty much knew where he thought it was supposed to be a non-profit type there are two types of music: good and bad, so millions of albums and now had to resort to was at. thing, that’s where the rub thing comes in. you know… I put on something good. playing clubs again and being interviewed by E.S. Day: I just downloaded L.O.V.E. Machine idiots like myself, I probably wouldn’t be and Animal from an illegal mp3 site… are you Huh? I guess he’s not mad. Postscript: givin’ it everything either.) mad at me? I know this is supposed to be an interview – not Blackie: Well for a musical act, if you don’t a story, commentary or critique. To be quite have the music than it’s not worth doing. honest with you, I was going to tear the shit out E.S. Day: Do you like playing Canada? Metal God Blackie Lawless is of this guy. I had FULL intention of making fun Blackie: Love it. of him: stepping over boundaries with ques- E.S. Day: Any artificial throat-slitting on this giving me a complex now. tions regarding issues such as his age, his bad tour? album covers, his poor album sales and his liv- Blackie: No, just a few agents. What is he talking about? Am I ing life without an upper-lip. The new album E.S.Day: Is (ex-Quiet Riot) still The Neon God Pt. I is a concept album. I’m still working with you? stoned? Is he stoned? I feel trying to understand the concept of “Concept” Blackie: No. Not anymore albums: things that I despise and have always disabled. found to be a poor excuse for the simple fact I now heed the call of my Music Editor, as I that you write bad songs. This “Visionary” seem to have found myself enveloped in fear. Blackie: Illegal? E.S. Day: Did you ever have problem with that bullshit is over and done with. I grew up with This man has installed a shit-scaring into me E.S. Day: Yes illegal. As in “I didn’t pay for codpiece thing? W.A.S.P., played their songs in cover bands, purely through his voice alone. No laughs. YOUR songs.” Blackie: Yeah, it blew up the first night I used tried to look “Evil” like Blackie - the whole Nothing. Blackie: The problem with all those things is it! nine. And there I was, perspiring in The Nerve that, if it’s you, just... you… sharing with some- E.S. Day: And of course… what are you listen- office and anticipating the verbal onslaught I E.S. Day: Neon God is a “concept” album, body else down the street, that would be one ing to these days? was about to unleash upon one of metal’s lost but what if this concept doesn’t sell? Will you thing. But when you get companies involved, Blackie: I’m not. I literally just got out of the (but not forgotten) souls. Unfortunately, from still be happy with having this vision come to and then they get busted, and then sell out for studio last Monday night, finishing a two year the moment Mr. Lawless answered the

11 AAGGRRIICCUULLTTUURREE CCLLUUBB Farmageddon Dirty, Distorted Rural Rock

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agricultureclub.ca catch-and-release.org Music “To Be Perfectly Blunt, Adrian...”: A Visit With SideSixtySeven By Adrian Mack Photo: Laura Murray What’s the problem dude? It’s not the first time you felt a lit- tle prick. rrrgh! SideSixtySeven are assaulting me from all sides, all day long. I usually Photo: Laura Murray Ahave to drag interviews out of people – help him along. When we needed a drummer he and that’s after I‘ve reluctantly dragged myself already knew half our songs.” into the picture, usually one or two hours Biggest music snob? before my deadline. But Kerry Cyr, Side’s Air “Lead guitar. Dard. He’s got his Bad Assault guitarist who goes by the codename Religion Suffer tattoo and if it’s not mean and “Jim” – he just walks into my office one day fast it doesn’t even make it in the CD player in and starts talking. I barely have time to pull my the van.” pants back on and start typing (my office is like So he ain’t down with you when you break an oven). And he’s wearing this huge black suit into a mid-tempo dub-wise extension, I take it. – at least a couple sizes too big, like David “It lasts about 30 seconds. Then it’s Byrne –with a big security patch on it. It makes (shouts) ‘1-2-3-4!’” him look about 12 years old. Turns out he Any fist fights? works at a fancy boutique, probably turfing out “Nah,” he twinkles, “we’re super-mellow. the same people that he and his friends other- We’ve always been on the same page and shit. wise incite to unacceptable levels of public dis- There’s fuck-ups as far as responsibility-things turbance with their fast, choppy and expert but that’s… certain things don’t get done or are skate punk. overlooked. Then everybody feels it because of He’s going off about these things called one person.” “Ghetto Birds.” Naturally, I start to remove my Shouldn’t your manager be taking care of pants again but he clarifies, “No… they’re hel- Photo Courtesy of Sidesixtyseven that shit? icopters. In East LA.” SideSixtySeven were they’re doin’ the dance with Volcom – the day-glo lettering, “the Jaks rolled in and Dustin “Yeah – he should just do it himself,” con- recording in producer Mike Trujillo’s garage a California-based mega-purveyors of all things shook up a beer, sprayed down our van, took of cludes En. few years ago, for their More Stitches Than skate – who are curious about the band’s his t-shirt and wiped all the paint off it.” This is So you’re saying, on the record, that your Riches LP, living dangerously in the world’s unheard recordings. D’you trust them, I ask? the kind of respect SideSixtySeven are com- useless manager is not learning from his mis- worst neighbourhood. “The cops pulled up and “Yeah,” he tells me confidently, “it’s real good. manding these days – in short, they’re probably takes? En just laughs – SideSixtySeven’s man- said you guys aren’t from around here. We were We helped throw a party for them at the New the biggest trad skate-punk noise in these parts ager Kevin Angel is well known around The the only white people in the whole area and we Café the night before Warped and now, since The S.T.R.E.E.T.S started following Nerve office for his own good-time vibe. En explained what we were doin’ and they pretty they had never seen that kind of thing before. their not unrewarding space-jam freakout tra- won’t take my bait. I don’t even really want much told us that we should head to Hollywood him to, anyway. coz they didn’t want to clean us up off the side- So where does this leave us? Well – it walk later.” Even the insects are badass down “Lead guitar. Dard. He’s got his Bad leaves us at the big hole in the ground where there, you know. “There was no toilet in the Vancouver’s Blunt Bros used to conduct busi- studio,” explains Jim, “so we were going Religion Suffer tattoo and if it’s not ness. That’s where. around the corner and there was this Black “It was arson, straight up,” says En of the Widow that came out every time we pee’d on mean and fast it doesn’t even make it in inferno that destroyed one of the city’s great its web.” institutions. “They found gas cans in two of the I was still shuddering at the idea of a Black the CD player in the van.” dumpsters and a flame-accelerating gel all over Widow cock bite when vocalist Ian – who has the back wall. Like, you know – it was a job. shaved minutes off formal greetings by short- They know about parties LA-style but they jectory. And it burnt just that building down. The Fire ening his name to “En” - bounces into my come here and there’s a café and they’re like… So they oughta continue doing well and Marshall checked it out, did the research and office with the upbeat stoner charm of an older, what? Everyone’s puffing and it’s so liberal….” success is just around the corner, right? Oh wait they deemed it arson and put it in the filing cab- punker Jeff Spicoli. Instantly, we get to talking Does Vancouver’s worldwide reputation – En’s biting his lip. inet. Because arson is undetectable or whatev- about our shared love of reggae and how close- among cannabis-epicureans give our bands an “We have a curse sometimes,” he confess- er, it’s like… what are you going to do, finger- minded the punk community can be. “They advantage? es, almost sheepishly. “We sustain injuries and print? I saw Backdraft, man. Robert DeNiro. think it all started with MTV,” he says of some “I think so,” he says. “People wanna talk to get fucked up from testing physical boundaries He wouldn’t have let that shit slide. He’d still of SideSixtySeven’s younger peers. “They us. They wanna know what’s going on. It is the or whatever – like from skating hard or party- be in there, he’d still be diggin’! But you don’t recognize the roots… Punk Rock can be best place in Canada,” he stresses which leads ing hard.” know… who can we believe? Are we gonna everything from reggae to Tom Waits to all the to some anguished tales of Cross-Canadian I hear you guys wreck vans. wait for the papers to tell us who did it? Or the old… Hip-hop is punk too, you know.” Tours. It’s a high-risk business: if the roads “We’ve gone through four vans in five Police Commissioner to get on TV and say, En came out here from Ontario to attend don’t kill you, the depression might. Or the years.” ‘well, we figured it out. After three months and what he calls “The College of Whistler.” After haunted motel rooms in Brandon, Manitoba They drove their newest one, which cost this many thousands of dollars and this much ten years on the West Coast, he reassures me perhaps. En tells me of “Recon Missions” that $300, over the border. Looking like they do. red tape, we’re gonna tell you – what? Yeah, we that he’s “gotten better.” would end in a lot of “screaming and running And being what they are. Isn’t that stupid? En did it! Or it was the DEA or it was the Olympic Well this is the place to be, I say, adding back to the room.” adjusts my thinking for me: they have a “trick,” Committee or it was the Downtown Clean-up that Vancouver is fast becoming a Country “They open up this one room sometimes,” he claims. “We take care of things at the border. Crew or’, you know. There’s all kinds of heav- Club for the world elite. he explains, “for bands to stay in.” A lot of It’s good. It works.” ies of that nature that would…” “Even the homeless come out here coz it’s hookers were killed there over the years. And a Hypnotism? I interrupt him. Whoa, I exclaim! Are you the hot spot,” laughs En. “We have the cream of few drug deals went in a Colombain-necktie “No.” suggesting it was a Black Ops City Hall type the homeless.” direction: something they were later told about Some sort of Aerosol Nerve Gas? En paus- thing? We’ll later get hung-up on some fairly by local yokels bearing 2 litre bottles of home- es, squints, gets all cagey looking, “…nnnno,” “I didn’t say anything,’ he shoots back. queer theories about Vancouver’s rich and pow- brew. “Puke party,” says En. “That got ugly.” comes the unconvincing reply. “I’m just saying that those things exist.” erful but I feel that some introductions are still In Victoria, a band-that-cannot-be-named Hmmmm. Who’s the biggest drunk in OK, but is that an idea that’s actually out due. The 5 piece that is SideSixtySeven have tagged the boys’ van after one of them defaced SideSixtySeven? there? been skating, surfing, getting high and barbe- a Nintendo machine. This was in a house so “Me.” En smiles enigmatically. “They (Blunt quing together now for about five years. Their dreadful that even the Jaks had to abandon it. Who’s the biggest retard? Bros) bought the building across the street,” he profile has been boosted considerably of late “It used to be a Jaks house but they moved out En smiles, “The kid. Nick. The drummer. reveals. “The old bank – so it’s gonna come with a slot on this year’s Warped bonanza, not and it was just crusty punks left,” says En with (sighs) He’s rad though. We’re all 25 and over back ten times the size.” to mention a Vancouver Province cover after a shudder. With their van defaced and and he just turned 21. It’s his first traveling We both start giggling. I wonder why? their Slam City Jam throwdown. Right now SideSixtySeven’s good name besmirched in band and he’s just a punk kid. We razz him to SideSixtySeven for MAYOR!

13

Cover

The Nerve Guide to Sex; Pirates; Rock ‘N’ Roll By Sean Law, 8-Ball and Adrian Mack It all started with an e-mail. Sean Law, Culture Vulture and all-round Nerd About Town somehow got past my five firewalls, my Sean Law Message Blocking software and the fact that I don’t even have a computer. “Hey,” said the e-mail, “How about a big article on Pirates?” “This is The Nerve, not Xtra West,” I shot back. Then, like something that hits you an hour later, it hit me! An hour later! “Genius!” I bel- lowed from the rooftops, “with my firm belief that Vancouver will eventually be invaded by Sea, it is our DUTY to educate The Nerve read- er about these marauders of the Big Briny and their potentially lethal use of swords, cannons and more swords!” Continuing to bellow, I bel- lowed, “We must start training the dolphins…” but I was cut-off by a neighbour who chucked a slipper at me and I fell off my rooftop and right into some brambles! Ouch! So Sean came to the office with a comprehensive list off all the ways that Music and Piracy have intersect- ed over the years and me and 8 Ball sat around and got wasted and made stupid jokes. Then 8 Ball went to the movies. For a month.

A pirate is a robber who operates from a ship. Pirates usually attack “Pirate Love” other vessels, with the intention of looting their cargo, but may also (Johnny Thunders) Johnny Thunders cut a rather swashbuckling attack targets on shore. These acts are known as piracy; the concept of Johnny Thunders and figure through the UK Punk explosion of ’76- taking someone else’s possessions and using them for your own pleas- ’78. Having come to prominence in the New ure or profit has been extended so that the term piracy also commonly You’ve got to walk that walk York Dolls (who were later high-jacked by refers to copyright infringement or unauthorized copying of software. You’ve got to talk that talk Malcolm McLaren), Thunders eventually You’ve got to be that pearl formed The Heartbreakers in NYC during In the diamond world 1975. Practically everything he and his motley So we tried to locate the earliest intersection of Rock’n’Roll C’mon cut me so fast crew did was illegal. Their song lyrics, stage culture with Pirate culture. It’s a bit of a stretch (no actual Pirates Pirate love antics and personal lives were all interchange- are mentioned) but “Skull and Crossbones” (1956) by Is what I’m looking for able: hustling, intravenous drug use and gener- Sparkle Moore is a potential contender… Pirate love al chaos occurred in earnest to a background Is what I’m wanted for soundtrack of pilfered Eddie Cochran riffs, out- “Skull and Crossbones” I never ever of-tune guitars and audience abuse/incitement needed it so bad from the stage. Their live debut in the UK was (Barbara Morgan) Pirate Radio meets Screaming Lord Sutch Yeah! on the ill-fated Anarchy Tour of ’76 with The Sparkle Moore David Sutch started performing as a rock’n’roll Well the blood’s running cold, ain’t it Clash and The . They eventually singer under the name “Screaming Lord” Sutch All the mommies are praying secured regular gigs at The Vortex and a record- You should be labeled with a skull and at the famous Two I’s coffee bar in Soho, Little girls are saying ‘no’ ing deal with (ironically enough) Track a crossbones . He had an outrageous stage act com- And big girls always want more Records. This produced a flawed masterpiece You’re a jinx to my soul, oh yeah bining elements of horror movies with a routine Pirate love of an album L.A.M.F. and a clutch of singles. You should be labeled with a skull and borrowed from blues singer “Screaming” Jay Is what I’m looking for Check out the lyrics to “Pirate Love” (recently a crossbones Hawkins. The legendary Joe Meek produced a Pirate love covered by New Zealand garage punks The You’re a jinx to my soul, oh yeah number of records with him although none Is what I’m wanted for D4). Track Records eventually went into You’re a menace to women, better lock you were hits. On 24th May 1964 Sutch unveiled I never ever needed it so bad receivership and band manager Leee Black up in prison Britain’s third offshore radio station when Yeah! Childers had to steal back the bands’ master- ‘Cause you’re like a child that’s drivin’ Radio Sutch was launched, in a blaze of public- Well I’m locked in all these getups tapes from their own record company. everyone wild ity, on board the trawler Cornucopia. Sutch Everybody seems too cruel Yaaarrrggh! Uh-uh-uh, a big X that means a-crossbones himself claimed that he broadcast from the I can’t tell who’s who I said, a big X that means a-crossbones Cornucopia for a fortnight “off and on” but the Without a bag of voodoo My heart sighs, my heart moans boat was not really suitable as it was still being Pirate love Then it cries and then it groans used for fishing. He then moved onto Shivering Is what I’m looking for You should be labeled with a skull and Sands, a disused war-time anti-aircraft tower Pirate love a crossbones off the Kent coast. The first record played on Is what I’m wanting for Well, you’re a jinx to my soul, oh baby the station was the Screaming Lord’s own Jack I never ever You should be labeled with a skull and the Ripper. Radio Sutch’s transmitter was pow- needed it so fast a crossbones ered by car batteries, rather than generators, and Fast! ‘Cause you’re a jinx to my soul, oh yeah could only stay on the air for a few hours at a Fast! You’re a menace to women, better lock you time. Transmission power was very low and the Pirate love up in prison audience tiny. The studio equipment was rudi- Is what I’m looking for ‘Cause you’re like child that’s drivin’ mentary and the living conditions extremely Pirate love everyone wild basic. It was billed as “Britain’s first teenage Is what I’m wanting for [Repeat all] radio station” which tied in with Sutch’s alter- I never ever needed it so bad native career in politics: the previous year he Yeah! had stood for parliament under the banner of the It was with early UK Rock’n’Roll outfit Johnny Kidd and The Pirates that National Teenage Party. The main policy of this things first started to get sexy…They dressed like Pirates and Johnny Kidd one-man party was the then ridiculed proposal famously wore an eyepatch. Of the first wave of British Rock’n’Roll (circa of votes for 18 year olds. After a few months ’58-’61) they are one of maybe three groups that are actually worth lis- Sutch tired of the radio station. With a general tening to; the others being Vince Taylor & The Playboys (who cut the orig- election looming, he decided to concentrate on inal version of “Brand New Cadillac”, later covered by ) and his political career. the earliest records of Cliff Richard & The Shadows (“Move It”).

Johnny Kidd’s “Shakin’ All Over” (1960) Johnny Kidd died in a car crash near Manchester is one of the greatest Rock and Roll songs to have been written and on October 7th 1966. Curiously, Nerve Music Ed. A. produced in the UK. It was the guitar riff played by Joe Moretti that Mack was born two months later, also near guaranteed its immortality - later it would be covered by the Manchester. Coincidence? Yes! Winnipeg group Chad and the Expressions, who underwent an The Pirates eventually continued without him; unplanned name change to Guess Who? and finally The Guess Who they underwent a phase of popularity during the UK when their version of the record hit Stateside in 1965. It’s this ver- ‘Pub Rock’ scene of the mid-‘70’s and then found a sion of “Shakin All Over” that most people on this continent are degree of popularity with UK punks in the following familiar with, its status obscuring the original source almost completely. Other things that were years. Footage of them playing at the 1978 Reading Festival shows a potent and tight unit. Footage covered by The Guess Who include Burton Cummings’piano stool – which was covered by his huge of 8 Ball currently available on the internet also shows a very potent and tight unit. Once you’ve seen ass. Other rockin’ tunes cut by Johnny Kidd and The Pirates include “Please Don’t Touch” (later that, check out The movie Rock ‘n’ Roll High School for PJ Soles’ potent and tight unit as covered by Motorhead/Girlschool amongst others) and a KILLER version of “Casting My Spell”. well as a slick for Johnny Kidd’s Fistful of Doubloons which adorns Riff Randall’s bedroom wall.

15 Cover

Zap Comix Lars Ulrich is an Anti-Pirate. 1969 saw the first publication of the third issue of Zap Comix in San Francisco. This was one of the first of the new ‘Underground’Comix and was IT’S BEEN OVER FOUR YEARS SINCE METALLICA a by product of the Hippy culture that was prevalent at the time. This, the ‘69 TRIED TO SUE 330,000 OF THEIR TEENAGE FANS issue, featured the first appearance of Captain PissGums and his Pervert FOR DOWNLOADING MUSIC FROM THE WEB. Pirates. This, ahem, “heady” tale featured a debauched crew of homosexual WHICH IS FUNNY REALLY, SINCE THE TECHNOLOGY pirates sailing a sea of sin and in this way, it uncannily predicts top Canadian THAT ALLOWED DRUMMER LARS ULRICH TO SIMU- Supergroup Edwin and the Pressure. This issue and all other issues of Zap LATE ANY ABILITY ON HIS INSTRUMENT IS VERY remain in print to this day. CLOSELY RELATED TO THE MACHINE WHICH SYS- TEMATICALLY TRACKS DOWN HIS KNICKERS AND THEN EFFICIENTLY TWISTS THEM INTO A PERFECT Adam and The Ants KNOT – TO WHIT, THE HOME COMPUTER. THIS IS THE TRUE GALLEON OF THE SPACE AGE PIRATE – “Throw your safety overboard and join our insect nation...” NOT THAT DUMB SPACESHIP THAT MAKES DANZIG From “Stand and Deliver” by Adam Ant/Marco Pirroni SO GIDDY AND WET. FUCK, MUSICIAN’S ARE WEIRD. WE ASKED A PERSON WHO CAN REALLY Bizarre conflation of Pirates, Dandies, Injuns, Insects and those irritat PLAY THE DRUMS BUT WHO ISN’T AS WEALTHY AS ing serious S&M lifestyle types. Another UK phenomenon that LARS ULRICH FOR AN OPINION. HE SAID, “FAT Malcolm McLaren pooped out of his dirty little idea-chute. They were PEOPLE GET ON MY TITS.” THEN WE ASKED HIM massive for a while and Adam Ant himself, in reality a neurotic depres FOR AN OPINION ON FILE-SHARING: sive with a thing for waving guns around,went on to solo success. Harlock! Ever Been to Sea, Billy? The topic of Piracy, or “downloading” as the Making his debut in a 1953 Manga drawn by “Jolly Roger” kids call it, is one of the few issues today over Billy Bones, formerly of Thee Pirates, current- Leiji Matsumoto, Space Pirate Captain Harlock In days of old, which I claim total moral clarity. In short, it is ly of Raised by Wolves, supplied us with a con- (in a variety of guises) eventually gained his when ships were bold perfectly fine to download music. Yes, it is noisseur’s Top Ten: own anime series in 1977 (to a degree capitaliz- Just like the men who sailed them theft. Yes, it has shortened the life of Lars ing on Star Wars mania). One kid intensely 1. The Smugglers. (Not necessarily pirates but and if they showed us disrespect Ulrich and yes; these are just two of the affected by Harlock was Glenn Danzig, front- we’d tie them up and flail them unequivocally good things to be said about the man for the original Misfits and currently the often men of low degree practice. Bear in mind that if – IF – a musician most humiliated man that ever walked the earth and often men of steel ever makes a substantial amount of money, then (see column, page 6). Danzig is seen sporting a who’d make you walk the plank alone it’s far too late to render that musician bankrupt Harlock skull and crossbones shirt on the front or haul you ‘round the keel with your humble little Internet connection. cover of The Misfits all-time classic Walk hoist the Jolly Roger! That musician has already cleared Ten Billion Among Us LP (1982). The original Misfits hoist the Jolly Roger! Dollars US, has crossed to the other side and broke up on Halloween 1983 - in a 1986 inter- hoist the Jolly Roger! has been made privy to blueprints showing the view with Thrasher magazine Glenn heps inter- it’s your money that we want eventual colonization of earth by voracious viewer Pushead to the Harlock mystique: and your money we shall have! extra-dimensional Lizard-Men and other Oil “After not collecting for a long time, I started of all the pirates on the seas Industry types. And you know what? That collecting comics. I was at this show and there these ones have ocean themes on enough records the worst of them was Blackbeard musician is Britney Spears. In other words, that was this guy selling Japanese books and toys, - “Up And Down” single, Wet Pants Club LP - so damnable a fiend from hell musician isn’t even a musician! Same for Avril, but basically paperback books. There’s this that they’re the first band that comes to mind.) he was the one they most feared Christina, Mariah, Beyonce, that puffy tart character called Captain Harlock. He had a skull 2. Tenpole Tudor (… the cover of the “Let any man who sailed with him from Evanescence, Barbara Streisand and R. and crossbones shirt, a big, massive scar down The Four Winds Blow” single - that’s enough was taking quite a chance Kelly. If you’re in the mega-billions category, his face, an eye-patch, hair hanging in his face for me) he’d hang them from the gallows it’s very unlikely that you’ll ever feel the pinch. 3. The Pirates (Johnny Kidd and) just the way I was wearing my hair at the time. just to see if they could dance (ha! ha!) Hell – you can even run around boning 14 year 4. Captain Cook and The Nook Sound I immediately identified with all these heroes. hoist the Jolly Roger! olds in the ass and jeopardizing the crew on (I only saw this band once and they blew me away. He rides this space ship in outer space, as a hoist the Jolly Roger! your Lear Jet with your unexploded tit-jobs and Real trashed up Paul Revere with Go Go dancers) space pirate, and tries to stop greedy enterpris- hoist the Jolly Roger! the music industry big wheels will still line up 5. Blind Pete from The Shivs (If There’s a ing corporations which have taken over the it’s your money that we want at your front door with cheques that exceed the Pirate in Punk Rock, I think it’s this dude. I earth by exploiting it and other planets. They are and your money we shall have! GNP of any single country in Africa (except for saw him play with a patch on his eye and a rub- hoarding all the stuff which only rich people can the ones that are run by Whitey). They’re not ber ducky on his shoulder) afford. Like super rich, I’m talking people who suffering. Believe me. 6. Adam Ant (Not really a man’s pirate, more of control worlds. So, it’s a pretty cool story and he a momma’s boy pirate, but one of my favourites. thinks nothing of blowing people away. As for the other 999% of us who toil in obscu- Sort of like what’s-his-name in Pirates of the Blowing their whole bodies to pieces. He does- rity and hunger – we’re not losing anything. Caribbean. A little too fruity. I don’t care if he’s n’t care about reputation, he’s really taking care Even somebody like, say, Sam Roberts (that trying to be Keith Richards or not.) of business and I respect that and I’m really into hippy) – even Sam Roberts will probably have 7. Billy The Kid and The Lost Boys the Harlock thing.” to tour Canada for the rest of his career if he 8. The Pogues (Also a bit of a stretch but Rum ever feels like buying a house one day. That’s Harlock’s flag is the pirate Jolly Roger and to Sodomy and the Lash? “Thousands Are because Sam Roberts is making dick-shit from him it represents freedom and the fighting spir- Sailing”? Where are Billy’s Bones resting now?) record sales. You know who doesn’t have to it. Matsumoto says that the Jolly Roger repre- 9. The Real McKenzies (Down the same tour Canada for the rest of his career to make sents not something frightening, but rather a road as Tenpole Tudor. Even did one of their ends meet? The guy that SIGNED Sam Roberts declaration that one will keep fighting even if songs and well too) reduced to bones. The Harlock skull and cross- 10 Sex Pistols (I know I’ve got a record – that’s who. He’s the same guy that will slap bones has also been spotted on T-shirts worn by somewhere with them on a boat. And they do your hand because you use Kazaa. He’s the Nick 13 (Tiger Army), local DJ “The Swingin’ Friggin in the Riggin) same guy that will admonish you for “stealing Creeper” and tattooed on the flesh of the guitar music”. He’s the same guy that dines on Record player for the Toilet Boys. Company expense accounts and sees every You’d think there’d be a lot more obvious Give me your lunch money, pirate/rock and roll bands, but that’s what show for free. That guy is a dirty, thieving, comes to mind. Canada’s west coast has a you little pirate fuck! lying, bloodsucking and murderous fuck (I good bit of piracy in our rock ‘n’ roll. Oh threw in murderous for effect.). So… yeah! man, how did I forget the Arrogant Worms (For a slightly more informed and reasonable “Last Saskatchewan Pirate” or Calgary’s No breakdown of Music Industry mendacity, Coast Hardcore? Or Calgary’s Parkades: they please refer to Steve Albini’s excellent essay: did that amazing 45 with the song “Attack Me” The Problem With Music - which you will find, on it, and on the cover is a dude on a raft with for free, all over the internet.) an eye patch! I think there was a band out of Regina called Blue Beard too. I’ll bet the east coast has a bunch of piratey stuff going on (I’ll say! Music Ed.) but I can’t come up with any- FRANK YAHR thing. Have fun putting this issue together, you Somebody had to say it. The Vancouver Promoter/ Impresario/CGI Effect can’t go wrong with pirates. has a name that would not look amiss on a pirate, or any other sea-faring - Billy Bones type. Also, he has a hook! And it’s not on his hand.

16 Cover

The 80s were a disaster and we’re only just starting to recover. For this reason, it’s painful for Keith Richards – Pirate King? those of us who had to live through the era to watch you little fuck-ups re-creating it as if it had any cultural worth at all (it didn’t). Rock‘n’Roll and classic Piracy are more than a little alike. Pirates were (occasionally dandy, often degenerate) individualists, rebels and criminals who marauded other vessels to relieve them of their, ahem, “Booty” (Why do Billy’s Budd-ies most guys form bands? See a correlation?). A Pirate’s lifestyle was often “Feast Or Famine”. When I think of rock ‘n’ roll pirates or gypsies Think of the big payoff for any band to get it’s hard not to come up with these two golden signed, invariably followed by years of the tooth’d bandits. From his time in The Swell touring grind – or vice versa. Whatever. Both Maps to his extensive solo career, Nikki Sudden on the High Seas of Old and the Highways of is the epitome of how old salts can still hold Now, the globe is littered with the skeletons of their charm behind youthful all-knowing smiles the Dead and/or Forgotten, their treasure lying and put the sparkle into a maiden’s eyes as he undetected and lost, perhaps for all time. steals their hearts at every port of call. I’ve Simon Le Bon: big, fat arse sailed with him before and believe me, from his In the world of the Rock ‘n’ Roll Outlaw, flowing scarves to his gold brocade suits and Richards often did it first and worst. The early Stones pirated nearly the entire Chess Records Duran Duran were bigger than 8-Ball’s crack Peter Pan pirate footwear, he doesn’t need to label catalog for their repertoire. Yo-Ho! habit (though smaller than his actual crack), swing into a room to make an entrance (plus his Keith Richard mutinied against his Captain (the and were the outsized result of something new album is called Treasure Island). Then we Rolling Stones were originally Brian Jones’ called New Romantic. This was a movement have Tyla: once of the band of rogues known as band), taking his Lady in the process. When that grew out of the English punk of the 70s, The Dogs D’Amour and now a solo artist. This this particular Captain Jones sunk to the bottom except it recapitulated all those badass ideas in guy is such a true pirate that he makes everyone of his Locker (in this case his swimming pool), a swish London nightclub setting with synthe- else look irrelevant when it comes to swash- The Stones were judged, indeed, Baddest of sizers and pirate imagery (among other things) buckling. Not only has he written about the The Bad: so Bad that one of them was now deployed without any substance or weight, and likes of Errol Flynn whilst looking like he just propping up his own tombstone. Richards even- therefore was the first gasp of post-modernism walked off a Galleon, but has moved from tually fell afoul of the authorities, not just at and everything has been a douche ever since. England to the Spanish Main where he contin- home but internationally. No amount of reality shifting can disguise the ues to write rock ‘n’ roll shanties and drink wine fact, however, that Simon Le Bon has a gigan- on the beach while the rest of us sail in search Keith Richards is the template for several tic, blobby nose like Captain Pugwash and an of the treasures he’s already discovered and laid decades worth of wannabe Corsairs, either ass that’s almost as big as two badly parked claim to. While many musicians go through directly or indirectly. The majority of cool teen Volkswagens. What a big-nose fatty! pirate phases, these two stand unchanged by time or trends as reminders of a dying breed and garage bands in the 60’s modeled themselves the legendary romance of the sea-fairing on The Stones. As the 70’s dawned and scoundrel. Richards’ hedonistic lifestyle and hairstyle -Hopeless became more acute, many followed in his wake. The cool-ometer registers high on Tyla: settling into middle age Johnny Thunders and the rest of the and a little lower on the outrageous likes “Friggin in the Riggin” of Aerosmith. Mick Jones of The Clash wore his hair long, defiant in the face of Punk Mania. The Stones may have got short shrift during the It was on the good ship venus first wave of Punk Rock, but plenty of those By christ, ya shoulda seen us bands filched their riffs. (I said “filched”, you The figurehead was a whore in bed Dirty Bastard). The 80s saw a cross between And the mast, a mammoth penis the Glam look of the early 70s and the harder The captain of this lugger Metal/Rock in vogue at the time. A whole scene He was a dirty bugger sprouted up in the UK around blatant Richards He wasn’t fit to shovel shit rip-offs like Nikki Sudden and Dave Kusworth, From one place to another the Dogs D’Amour and their ilk. In North Chorus: America, the Hollywood scene eventually Friggin’ in the riggin’ birthed Guns’n’Roses. Jack Daniels and Gibson Friggin’ in the riggin’ Les Pauls ruled the day. Keith and Co. toured Friggin’ in the riggin’ on, probably oblivious to it all. There was fuck all else to do The captains name was morgan Supposedly Johnny Depp modeled his charac- Cpt Pugwash: obviously straight By christ, he was a gorgon ter in Pirates Of The Caribbean on Richards Nikki Sudden, we Pirate Love you Ten times a day he’d stop and play after spending some time with him. It’s With his fuckin’ organ rumoured that Keef’s been approached to play The Murder City Devils The first mate’s name was cooper Depp’s father in the next installment. They By christ he was a trooper. They spray painted Skulls and Crossbones on probably wouldn’t need any makeup to do him He jerked and jerked until he worked their amplifiers. They were all heavily tattooed. over as an undead Pirate Zombie. Hey! You can sing along too! Himself into a stupor They were all completely drunk. They were Chorus probably the band most responsible for the cur- The second mate was andy Arr then maties, rent Pirate craze. Hey Sailor! By christ, he had a dandy time for me to go. Till they crushed his cock on a jagged rock This Yacht Wheel For cumming in the brandy between my legs is Yikes! New York’s Crimson Pirate - I bet The cabin boy was flipper driving me nuts. they’re huge in . He was a fuckin’ n—ger He stuffed his ass with broken glass And circumcised the skipper Chorus The captain’s wife was mabel To fuck she was not able So the dirty shits, they nailed her tits Across the barroom table The captain had a daughter Who fell in deep sea water And by her squeals we knew the eels Had found ’er sexual quarters

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18 Music City of Kamloops Hires Four Year Old Girl to Spearhead Civic Make-over! Who Cares About Who Cares? Sound City Hooligans By Mr. Plow By Emily Kendy He held it down for a minute,” says Jacks… We had one jam together and it went Bobby, singer and guitarist for Sound City really good. Then the Black Jacks broke up…. “Hooligans. He is referring to Big J, a Nerve: Did that please you? friend of the band who currently holds the Bobby: Yeah, but I didn’t tell them that. record time for shot-gunning a can of beer (2.5 Nerve: Are you all from Kamloops? seconds). He says they would like Big J to per- Bobby: Dustin and Sean are brothers; they’re form the amazing act on stage. “But there’s from up North. Houston, I think. Nate’s from some sort of law about bringing cans into a Clearwater. I’m from Vancouver. bar,” Bobby laments, during a phone interview Nerve: You moved from Vancouver to from his home in Kamloops, where he is barbe- Kamloops? What were you thinking there? quing chicken. “I don’t know what that’s Bobby: What WAS I thinking? Hmm. It was a about.” long time ago. At the time, I had a free place to stay… It’s nice to be based here actually. We’re Nerve: Are you working on a CD? in-between Calgary, Edmonton and Vancouver. Bobby: We have 13 new songs for a record. Nerve: Do you know your mascot? Mike from Longshot offered to put it out but we Bobby: Uh, Buttercup and Cactus? want to do it ourselves. It’s a money thing. With Nerve: What? What happened to Kammy the Longshot they wanted us to put up so much Trout? (money). We’re not focused on delusions of Bobby: I don’t think they advertise him much, grandeur. We’ve been there, done that. You anymore. Now it’s two coyotes called know? We just want to jam, drink, play shows, Buttercup and Cactus. have fun. We’re not out to conquer the world. Nerve: You guys play regular gigs in And we’ll sell the CD for two dollars instead of Kamloops? 10, because we won’t have to pay back a record Bobby: We do all ages shows. We played a bar company. We want people to get the music show the other night, it got a bit out of control. cheap and fast. That’s what it’s all about. Rough crowd. A friend of ours got his nose Nerve: You have a lot of music available on busted. I took a picture of it; it’s posted on the your website… website (www.soundcityhooligans.com) Bobby: Well, I thought in this day and age Nerve: Do you remember your first Vancouver everyone has a computer and downloads free gig? music. And I have a recording studio up here so Bobby: Yeah. It was at The Cobalt. We thought we thought, since we didn’t put money into we stunk. But the next time it seemed like we it…. were well received, which put the fire back Nerve: How did the band start? under us. Bobby: It was a fluke. I had a jam space over Nerve: You guys play any road games when the holidays, about a year and a half ago, and I you travel? was itching for something to do. I asked these Bobby: (Laughs) When I’m driving I wear this guys to jam and they hemmed and hawed awful, evil clown mask, and - it’s so lame - we because at the time they were in the Black wave at everyone.

hrough my travels in the last couple Paul: 100% true, I also need a pound of weed years, I’ve come across some interest- (yes, I said POUND. I’m American) strippers, Ting bands (i.e. a guy shaving his pubes a good attorney, a winning lottery ticket and a on stage and smoking them). This one takes bigger dick. the cake though. I came across Who Cares at Plow: What can one expect from a Who Hell’s Kitchen in their hometown of Tacoma, Cares gig? Washington. We were actually set up to play Paul: We perform sexually explicit sing-along a show together. Was it fate? Was it a blind songs that will have you pissing yourself with date? Who cares! It was a day forever to be laughter. A very Jerry Springer type of event. remembered. Two guys singing songs about A real good old fashion white trash keg party. hermaphrodites and homosexual Christmases Plow: Any interesting road stories? gone wrong. The new Maclean & Maclean, as Paul: Yes. I played American Bandstand. Met it were. It was a match made in heaven! Or Dick Clark and I even saw Elvis’ clothes was it? I sat down with Paul at some dingy under glass. In those days, among other hole in the wall, a.k.a. his favorite brothel, to things, I sang this song to a strap-on, wore a conduct this interview. birthing glove and fisted a blow up doll. The show would climax in a frenzy of screaming Plow: Who are you? vocals and flinging of K-Y jelly. At the Paul: I’m a fat and nasty American rock ‘n’ Bandstand show, we had only a few seconds roll superhero fighting the corporate music left in our set and I had half of a five gallon machine one bestiality song at a time. bucket of K-Y jelly left (you’ll have to do the Plow: Where are you from? metric conversion). I threw the contents of my Paul: I am the product of the TV generation, bucket at Dick Clark and his distinguished fast food, video porn, and my mom’s pussy. panel of guests, covering them in a viscous Plow: What do you do in Who Cares? sheen of sex lube. Ten minutes later in the Paul: I’m a cunning linguist, a cynical dick, green room the show producer storms in preaching the good news of decadence and screaming that Mr. Clark has sent word that debauchery I’ll never play the Bandstand again. At that Plow: What is Who Cares? moment I felt like an honorary Sex Pistol. Paul: We like to call our genre of music Plow: Anything else people need to know but “acoustic comedy punk”. We are evangelists won’t ask you? for the lowest common denominator. Paul: I love girls with strap-on dildos who Plow: Your song states you really need a know how to use them. blowjob. Is this true? Photo Courtesy of Sound City Hooligans

19

Live Wires DKT, MC5 @ New City Liquid Lounge, Edmonton, AB Monday, July 5th, 2004 raise the Lord, brothers & sisters, the from Mudhoney, who handled the lion’s MC5 are back together after 30-some share of the lead vocals. With his head Pyears, and I was lucky as hell to catch thrown back and every vein in his neck them in yee olde Deadmonton as these sub- poised to explode, I swear he looked as if he versive senior citizens nearly burned the shit- was about to levitate as he absolutely fucking house down! NAILED Rob Tyner’s vocal parts right Armed with a set list including such sem- against the motherfuckin’ wall. To give Mark inal rock ‘n’ roll nuggets as “Sister Ann”, a well-deserved rest, ex-head-Lemonhead- “Shakin’ Street”, “Rama Lama Fa Fa Fa” and and sometime-Courtney Love-banger, Evan “”, these guys could do no Dando periodically took over the vocals for a wrong. Ringleader wore a tune or two, but his efforts were a bit more huge shit-eating grin as he riffed out fuzz- subdued (high on drugs perhaps? Say it ain’t tone collateral-damage and peeled off face- so, Joe!). melting Chuck Berry-meets-Sun Ra guitar To close the set, the MC5 brazenly solos while the original MC5 rhythm section launched a full-on 15-minute version of the of and Dennis “Machine Gun” free-form avant-garde noise fusion explo- Thompson pounded out an authoritative and ration known as Starship, providing probably unrelenting sonic backdrop that sounded like the most authentic simulation of a hallucino- an Iraqi carpet bombing offensive. genic drug trip you might ever experience Special guest Marshall Crenshaw took without governmental authorities feeling the over the departed Fred “Sonic” Smith’s six- need to intervene. string duties, contributing solid riffs and I say they should have these guys head- inventive solos to a seamless All-American line the Warped tour next year. Then we’ll all rock ‘n’ roll twin guitar attack that should see who the REAL punk rockers are. LONG have those burnouts from Aerosmith taking LIVE THE FIVE!!! notes. The real secret weapon and surprise -Donny “Rocker” Payjack star of the night turned out to be Mark Arm

Photo: Toby Marie Photo: Toby AC Newman, The Neins @ Richard’s on Richards, Vancouver, B.C. Demolition Doll Rods, Ladies Night Saturday, July 17th, 2004 @ The Brickyard, Vancouver, B.C. There were less people here tonight than for allowing those marvelous songs to carry the Saturday, July 3rd, 2004 last month’s Destroyer extravaganza so the show. The band was also marvelous with the uber-duber hipsters are getting uber-duber rhythm section of Pete Bourne and Coco fter spending two nights a week getting naked as well as loving each other, stupider – Newman has had Bejar on the Culbertson, in particular, giving the top- for the last eight months working call me a hippy but this shit rocks the ropes since the first warbly, trilling throw- heavy numbers some boom-boom. A in a bar that hosts on average three fuckin’ roll. It could, of course, have been down. Vancouver’s Neins opened the night Newman possesses a great and under live bands every night—that adds up to Christine Doll Rod playing stand up with some great songs and a real University appreciated voice. It has nothing in the way 192 bands that I’ve seen. Out of those 192 drums in a red heart shaped bikini, OR Challenge Korean Ringer in their trumpet of character but it’s sweet and true and, like bands, only five stick out in my mind as maybe it was Danny Doll Rod with his player. There was plenty of quality here. the rest of the guy’s art, seemingly delivered candidates for the, well…”Bands That giant Mad Hatter collar and suede booty Enough to supercede the predictable helium, without effort or fanfare. I remembered see- Stick Out In My Mind” Award. The shorts. Actually, it was probably just the cracked actor vocals (think Joel Plaskett) and ing Zumpano years ago and watching girls Demolition Doll Rods is not only the win- vibe of the thing. Or maybe it was their flat girl-harmonies common to every indie actually swoon when Newman sang Blue ner of the BTSOIMM award, but also a electrifying vocal skills. The audience was rock band on earth. Swede’s “Hooked On a Feeling”. winner of the no-less coveted “Band That sweating for this band all the way through Then Newman walked on stage talking The encore was Outrageous Cherry’s “If Wears The Least Amount Of Clothes” their two encores… sigh. It’s things like into his cellphone. I think it was a little bit of You Want Me”, which got a big yelp out of Grand Prize. When Margaret Doll Rod this that start my summer off right. theatre, but it was so low-key and natural that me and then all these people gave me dirty raises her tuxedo guitar above her head, Anyone wanna go to Wreck Beach? John Cassavetes might have blushed. He did looks like I’d farted at a state funeral or closes her eyes and steps onto her tippy - Toby it again for the encore. Thrilling! The rest of something. toes (enter shiny black bikini) to riff about the night he seemed to shrink from view, - Mack

Stompin’ Tom Conners @ Orpheum Theatre, Vancouver B.C. Friday, July 16th, 2004

y girl, my mother-in-law and I cut quite the dashing times. Though he occasionally forgot lyrics, his voice was trio as we set off for the Orpheum Theatre, with me strong and clear, and he shrugged off his absentmindedness Min black leather and tattoos and granny in polyester with a good-natured grin. slacks and a lovely floral print blouse. You could almost hear I tried to start a pit, but drew only ugly stares. Then I did a the necks snapping as we walked down the street. Even the stage dive and landed on some girls in the third row. I tried to crackheads and street people were impressed. explain that their spilled drinks would wipe right off my leather We took our seats and the show started promptly at eight. It pants, but their boyfriends chased me down the block anyway. took me a while to recover from the culture shock of sitting in Fuckin’ rednecks…. this beautiful old theatre instead of standing on broken glass at -Chris Walter The Cobalt. My feet didn’t even stick to the carpet! Surreal… Stompin’ Tom’s band warmed up the crowd, and though they were very competent, I could have lived without them. It was Tom we were all there to see. I fidgeted impatiently until at last the guitar picker from Skinner’s Pond, PEI ambled onto the stage with his trademark slab of plywood. Except for a bunch of lame fuckers in the middle aisle who needed a good horse- whipping, the crowd was instantly on their feet to cheer Canada’s favourite son. The cowboy behind me clapped so enthusiastically he spilled Jack Daniels on my neck. I almost thanked him for making me feel more at home. The ‘Stamper’ didn’t waste any time, and he soon had the capacity crowd clapping along to “The Bridge Came Tumblin’ Down”, “Tillsonburg”, and all the other classics. He promised

Photo: Jen Walter not to tell any Newfie jokes, but it was a promise he broke many

21 Off The Record metal virgins wear- hensions about the band’s more inward direc- ing plenty of ran- tion, but that’s not surprising since most of Maxiimum RnR dom dangling appa- them are pimply, overfed teenagers living in ratuses and T-Shirts suburbia who can’t tell their face from their ass. that said things like, Haters, step off – Slipknot, like, totally rule. “I am the evil twin”, -Adam Simpkins and all the girls had buckets of founda- Ex-Girl tion and eyeliner Endangered Species plastered over their Alternative Tentacles pasty acne-ed Scottish faces. And there were ripped fishnets Something bad is going down. It sounds like and knee socks and eyebrow piercings and insects crawling in my stereo! Gay Japanese Trenchcoat Mafia outfits everywhere you insects! What the fuck is this! Off! Off! looked. Well, I could picture these kids at a Motherfucker!! Shit! Mothra has started a basement party overloaded on cheap cider, band! Make that stop right goddamn now. . .it‘s green glow sticks, bad weed, too much ecstasy, making me violent. It’s nutty club music sung sloppy androgynous sex, and generally just by wacky Japanese schoolgirls with some sort livin’ it up with Crack ov Dawn’s Manson-wor- of weird Asian Enya vocal and then metal gui- shipping ultra-stoopid goth danciness booming tar and ska beats and more wackiness! Then on mum’s cheap stereo. There’s also a cover of crazy time changes and more cartoon music “Pride (In the Name of Love)”. Yep. and more metal guitar. This is from Alternative -David Bertrand Tentacles too. Big whoop. Jello Biafra is a god- damn baby and the Dead Kennedys were Maximum RNR fuckin’ horrible. 6 Song EP Does Yawnternative Testicles have any decent Self-released current acts? The Evaporators, you say? Don’t get me started on The Evaporators! Ruskin’s I remember when I was young video games shtick was old five minutes after the first time I were a fairly new form of entertainment and seen him at the Cinderella Ballroom makin’ out video arcades sprung up like drunk Hondurans with his mother. Although he did ask that e asked Billy Hopeless to fire a few grandmother or some nuns having sex (or in Gastown. It must have been a financially Russkie with the ketchup stain on his cranium questions at Maximum RNR’s Keith both), flatulence and some sort of satanic ref- rewarding era, especially for those in the old about big pants, god love’m fer that. WMaurik and he managed to drench erence. Seriously, the guy has The quarter business. I mean sure, you had your -Carl Spackler the mouthpiece of The Nerve phone with Headstones, Kim Mitchell and a whole host Chuck E Cheese’s and your Izzy’s Pizzas but green punk rock sputum, even though he sent of others (probably including The Tea Party, for me it was about the smaller, more intimate Only Crime the questions by e-mail from his own living OLP, and Limblifter) wanting to beat him up ma and pop-type joints. These places were not To The Nines room. Weird. because of things he wrote for Chart the kind that catered to fun family dining and Fat Wreck Chords Magazine. the latest in animatronic enter- What happened to the faux-tard named How many members of tainment. No siree-bob. I’m There is nothing Max you used to have singing when you Maximum RNR to screw in talking about the dark under- bad to say ‘bout first started? a lightbulb? side of the coin-operated teet. this record, but Well, since he took on Greg Godovitz’s Silly Billy! Maximum RNR The seedier places where a their isn’t much to (singer and bassist of Canadian classic rock doesn’t screw in lightbulbs. young boy all of 8 years old praise either. This band Goddo) girlfriend as his manager, he We screw in hot tubs! should definitely not have is just another typi- quit our band and went back to singing In Vancouver, our pizza been whiling away those rest- cal South Cali- karaoke and playing various open stage jams slices average around $0.93 less summer days. These inspired punk rock CD, although a bit better while having Godovitz make fun of him. which is far cheaper than places were rotten with than some of the recent Fat releases (not Max has also appeared on a cou- anything in Toronto. How teenagers. The types of including the new Against Me or Anti-Flag). ple of times. Jeezuz, I’m sure glad we didn’t do you deal with the high teenagers where all the dudes The music—very loyal to the mid- 90’s “Fat sign on with that management team! cost of living in Hogtown? had facial hair in the seventh Sound”—delivers Good Riddance mixed with What’s with the hillbilly chic you kids got Well, it seems Toronto’s grade and the girls could only old Strung Out (when they were good), but going on? Ever heard of razors? Shaving? street meat of choice is the be finger-banged on the SEC- with a more hardcore edge. Bill Stevenson I haven’t shaven for over two years and I’ve hot dog. And hey, we have no problem pay- OND date. Yes, they also smoked and peppered adds his veteran skills to the record via engi- since found out the Beard is the new ing the extra buck fifty for 8 to 10 inches of their angry conversations with liberal doses of neering and drums and that automatically Mohawk. Old ladies, women and small chil- tube steak! cutting edge swear words, like “little cock- stoked me. Russ Rankin’s poetic lyrics come dren are afraid of you while men will scowl How big is Mel Lastman’s prostate gland? sucker”, “fucking dick-sucker” and “blowjob”. across as self-loathing and steer away from the and want to fight you. Wear a Mohawk Any mayor who will accept a gift from the Growing up in the Mish’, we might not have anti-Bush sentiments that tons of their label- nowadays and you’ll be the captain of the Hell’s Angels and then throw it in the had the opportunities afforded the youth of the mates share. Somewhat of a fresh change see- soccer team while picking up the head cheer- garbage when told who the Hell’s Angels are big suburbs – transit, healthcare, education, etc. ing the presidential election is approaching this leader. Grow a beard and you’ll lose friends has a bigger prostrate than most men. Or are but one thing we DID have, thank you very fall. This will definitely be in my CD player while angering relatives, complete strangers those balls? I never knew if they were the much, were arcades and lots of ‘em. Fuck, I can for weeks to come, taking me back to a time and punk rockers. Ah, it reminds me of ‘82. same thing or not. recall the golden age of ’85 when we had no when I was an instant fan of anything Fat put If you were a writer working for Chart Have you ever played a show where you less than four of the sons of bitches. They had out. Now that everything has been done in Magazine, how would you describe your thought you were Minimum RNR or even exotic names like J.J.’s Crystal Palace and punk, it takes me a while to warm up to new, band? Would you, perhaps, employ an Medium RNR? T.J.’s Family Fun Center, (although this was old sounding records. I know I will warm up to Our Lady Peace, Tea Party or Todd Kerns Maximum RNR is a name we have to uphold definitely not the place to bring your family, this one and that pleases me. comparison? and an accreditation we must earn night after you fucking tourist!) BMX bikes were my -Hooped Ha ha! If I was in this band and writing for night. If we ever start playing like Medium method of transportation and strawberry Chart, my name would be Keith Carman RNR then it’s truly time to throw in the slurpees were my drink of choice. Now, I did- Far (Chart magazine writer and lead guitarist of towel because that’s not the point of this n’t go for the gaming so much as I did the Water & Solutions DVD/CD Maximum RNR), not Keith Maurik. band. Maybe we’ll use Minimum RNR atmosphere. Second-hand smoke! Denim! Immortal However, following Mr. Carman’s personal when we’re invited to do an MTV Unplugged Danger! Heavy metal! It was sort of an unwrit- style guide, the commentary would have to series. Yeah, right. ten rule that these places had to have an old Why reissue something six years after the fact include dead goats, anal intrusion, your -Billy Hopeless jukebox filled with records like “Let Me Put when it didn’t exactly sell like hotcakes at the My Love Into You”, “Fuck Like A Beast” and time? Well, for starters it took that long for the “Midnight Mover”. Oh, how I would delicious- retroactively critically acclaimed Far to gener- Bangers their libido into their playing. This separates ly squander my paltry allowance one quarter at ate the kind of attention they are now receiving. Get Your Red Hots them from the legions of clinical Neu kinder a time to those ferocious guitars and lustful When Immortal decided to re-introduce Water Wounded Paw out there. They’ve made a sexy album, but their images. Maximum RNR will take you to that & Solutions, it inspired former guitarist Shaun real skill lies in creating the quiet storm, pacing dirty black summer. Lopez to crack open his personal vault of mem- I really thought I’d their longer numbers so expertly that they seem -8-Ball orabilia in order to assemble a DVD with Far hate this from the to acquire mass as they move forward. By the fans in mind. The result is a disc ripe with pho- cheesy band photo. end of a track like “Losin’ Your Head”, they’ve Slipknot tos, rare footage, and an impressive array of I really, really achieved a kind of ferocity that other, less mod- Vol 3: (The live performances that span the band’s history. thought I’d hate this est outfits couldn’t match. It’s as potent as any Subliminal Verses) Although the reminiscing is somewhat bitter- from the song titles. superior BC product, and in my head The Roadrunner sweet, Lopez quickly puts everything into per- I really, really, real- Cinch play as we attack and destroy Toronto. spective: “We are re-releasing a record that is ly thought I’d hate this from the lyrics. After The Cinch will also play during the victory If anyone has a six years old and didn’t sell much. This is not listening to it I don’t really think it sucks, but it rave-up and subsequent bedroom antics where- valid reason for dis- something to be unhappy about.” Indeed, the sure ain’t great neither and the shitty produc- upon my lovemaking will be described as “tri- liking Slipknot, I, double-disc makes for a memorable parting tion don’t help these three girls and a guy out at umphant!” Yum! for one, would love gift, wrapped with trademark emo melodies, all. So I wouldn’t pay for it but Banger? Well - Mack to hear it. Despite bow-tied with hardcore riffs and still packing a hmm, I hardly even play her. their ridiculous most heady wallop. -Billy Hopeless Crack ov Dawn costumes, lame fans and constant buffoonery, -Lily La Mer Dawn Addict it’s impossible to deny their craft as anything The Cinch Equilibre Music less than brilliant. Taking all the best elements Hatesphere Shake If You Got It from Shock-Goth, Grindcore and Industrial Ballet of the Brute Stutter/Dirtnap So when I was living in Edinburgh there was Metal, The Subliminal Verses is by far their Scarlet this street called Cockburn Street, and it was most cohesive and fully realized album to date. Frank Yahr famously commented that The always infested with this swarming mass of There is no doubt that Slipknot’s “maggots” OK, I can see what you’re trying to do here Cinch “get it”, meaning (I think) that they sink high school Goths, Korn kids, and assorted (their trusted fan base) will have some appre- boys... but that’s just the problem, I CAN SEE

22 Off The Record WHATYOU’RE TRYING TO DO. This fusion And… hold on. I used the adjectives “pretty”, of classic and death metal CAN be done, it’s “dreamy” and “nice” in this review. Oh my just that... well, I’ll tell you what this album is God, look at this, they’re making me all sensi- Clann Zu like. Do you remember those cheap waterslides tive and I didn’t even see it coming. Shitballs. they used to have in that mall in Nanaimo on -Dave Bertrand the north side of town there? You know, the Neurosis ones where the sections of slide didn’t quite sit The Eye of Every Storm flush with each other and as you shot down Neurot Recordings toward the bottom you’d lose another layer of skin every 15 feet due to the mismatched Neurosis are like the Tom Waits of Heavy seams, and by the end of the afternoon you and Music: so unique and creative that they’re every other kid in there were walkin’ around beyond reproach. The Eye of Every Storm is a with bloody knees, heels, and shoulders? It was fitting title because as you listen to it, the sound still kind of fun because it WAS a waterslide, in one moment washes over you like waves, but as you’ve matured you can now see it was then the next moment it swirls around you in just another hastily constructed dollar catcher the room like Beauty and the Beast or some made out of old culvert tubes. shit. There’s all types of phasin’ n’ phlangin’ -J. Pee Patchez and hummin’ and buzzin’ and Moogs, and all other manner of flashback-inducing trippiness Japanische Kampfhorspiele which is co-mingled with some very heavy Fertigmensch bursts of bat-beaten drums and basslines that Bastardized Recordings seem to first come at you, then withdraw into the speakers right before they grab you. If the humorlessness and brooding sounds of Complex enough to probably qualify as jazz, grind metal get you down like they do me, they make other so-called smart-metal bands Commitee Photo Courtesy of G7 Welcoming check out Germany’s maniacal Japanische like Tool sound as trippy as Kampfhorspiele. Like a demented yet hilarious Gwar. It’s kinda like Pink head-trip, this six-track EP is sure to have nog- Floyd for grown-ups! hat is a band that point thus far? gins shaking in disbelief at the ridiculousness Don’t sleep. sounds so darn pret- Andrews: I’ll tell you right now: touring of it all. Out-of-control grind sections make -J. Pee Patche Wty doing in this Canada. Since the band started we were inter- way for punked-out gang vocal choruses in the punk rock arsepaper that peo- ested in touring to some places but we never unbelievable “Scheisse der Lehrer,” while the Clann Zú ple mostly read on the toilet? got to do it to the degree that we are doing it downright bizarre “Verbrennt euer Geld” is an Black Coats & Bandages Sure… haunting, depressive, right now. None of us have ever been here instant nightmare. It’s no surprise that JK (not G7 Welcoming Committee genre-defying funeral dirges before so we didn’t know what to expect. spelling that out again) drummer and band and the soft howling of an Nerve: What’s been your worst show ever? founder is, according to their bio, a “shy, long- Irishmen living in Australia actual Sensitive Man are a far Andrews: I could give you loads, but I would time drug addict who had always suffered from on a Canadian label, Clann severe psychotic tendencies” Yeah, him and the Zú are eclectic to say the cry from our usual smattering say the worst ever was when we were set to rest of the band. I’d love to see these psychos least. There is a heavy ele- of puke-stained punks and play a show in Ireland and we were traveling live and hopefully I would live to tell about it. ment of highly political, hick-core Motley Crüe in two separate vehicles and the one that me -Jason Schreurs Irish vocals and poetry, sort revivalists. But then again, and my brother and Russell were in broke of like Sinéad O’ Connor’s Clann Zú’s label is G7 down only 50 kilometers outside of where we Lars Frederiksen best stuff. It’s kind of like jazz how they Welcoming Committee, they live by the DIY lived. We missed the show and spent six or and The Bastards noticeably feed off one another. The drummer ethos, they’re political and, most of all, they’re seven hours freezing outside a petrol station Vikings lightly taps away on the cymbals then busts into original. I caught up with guitarist Ben and heard later that the show had heaps of peo- Hellcat bigger beats, the guitarist plinks along and then Andrews by phone as the Australia-based band ple there, so it was real frustrating. Once it changes to broad sweeping electric strums and Lars and the Rancid the bass plays a supporting role while piano were winding their way across Canada on a cost us 1000 euros to get to London and we B-sides. The songs keys drip in the background. There are some tour that would eventually arrive in Vancouver played 25 minutes to four people, so that real- on this album are traditional sounding Celtic riffs with shiny, for Under the Volcano. ly sucked. We just played in Thunder Bay and the shit I skip bright musical flourishes. Though political, that sucked as well. (No shit – Music Ed.) through while lis- don’t expect any bombastic “Fight the Power”- Nerve: What would you say you guys have Nerve: Create your own festival bill. tening to the newest type shit here. These guys have feeling and most in common with punk? Andrews: The original lineup of Minor Threat. Rancid album. Not because Lars is singing emotion and most of the time sound downright Andrews: I would say the attitude, in terms of Clann Zú would go on early, so we didn’t have them; just because they suck. There is none of pretty. Definitely in a class all by themselves. doing it yourself. I think the way we approach to live up to any expectations. Nick Cave at the substance, originality or emotion that was Wholly original, working class, Birkenstock- the band in that sense is almost spot-on with some point. Around the Black Dots-era of Bad employed on his first solo album. Lyrically, I Martens music. feel Lars has hit the juvenile bullseye. Singing -J. Pee Patche the early-80s DIY culture of punk rock. Even Brains, before they went all shit. Oh yeah, and songs ‘bout how hardcore he is ‘cause he though our music is drastically different at Biohazard. Venom, Slayer, Minor Threat, Bad knows bikers (who doesn’t?) and babbling The Bad Amps times, I think we share that. I’ve been listen- Brains, Clann Zú, Nick Cave, and a special ‘bout cruising round California with a car full s/t ing to punk since I was a kid so I’m pretty flu- side-stage for Biohazard! of guns makes me think back to the time when Independent ent in how that works. -J. Pee Patches I was a mixed-up Punk Rock Gangster (no, not Nerve: What has been your career high really). What the fuck are you thinking Lars? I have waited too goddamn long for these East You spent years influencing young punkers Van punkers to release a CD. Finally, they did. fans will go apeshit, as will purveyors of Unfortunately, yes. Have they made any huge who have grown to admire you; then in track When I actually bought this album at the Cobalt spaz/grind/crossover. creative leaps in that time? Well, not exactly five you tell them how cool it is to cruise with one night (the first CD I bought in years), I lis- -Jason Schreurs a laser sighted 357. I should also mention the tened the shit out of it and passed it around to but when you’re as ahead of your time as they insleeve, which is probably the only artistic all the punks I knew that would appreciate it. It were, innovation is not much of an issue. This thing about this CD, if you’re into child porn. turns out everyone does. Only nine songs, but Six Reasons to album is the sound of true Death Metal legends Holy fuck dude, what are you trying to say with from start to finish I was singing along word for Kill/Absidia exerting themselves in the same brutal fashion those pictures? Hotel rooms with naked 12 yr. word and whoa to whoa and loving it. Dylan’s Morphology of that has earned them huge respect as masters of old girls just isn’t punk rock. vocals are amazing: snotty yet full of raw Fear their craft. Listeners are forcibly deprived of -Hooped teenage emotion. The drums are furious. The Bastardized any chance to pause and catch their breath as guitars are punk. The bass is full. An amazing Recordings tune after pulverizing tune attacks them relent- Mondo track on the album, although not the best on the lessly. Although they are technical and com- Before the Fall CD, is a cover of the Oblivian’s “Bad Man”. Another seriously disturbing release plex, they thankfully avoid straying into the Fucking brilliant. Buy this CD whenever you realm of melodic metal. The vocals are The first track, see these leather clad punks and you’ll be in from Germany’s Bastardized label. growled and DEEP, kind of like a pissed-off “Slowstar”, is a punk rock bliss. Jabba the Hutt with his pecker caught in his fly. trance-inducing, -Hooped This time we get two bands for the price of one. First off is Six Reasons to Kill, storming out of Few surprises, but definitely no sell-out either. hypnotistic dirge: -J. Pee Patchez slow, long and Venomous Concept the fiery gates with some warrior grind akin to wordless, made Retroactive Abortion classic Bolt Thrower. The squealy guitar sound with the well-tested Ipecac they use at every twist and turn is really to die RNR trinity of gui- for. Their four songs are impressive enough to More Reviews on Next Page... tar, bass, drums, with a touch of random noise Everything about this screams one-off side plant a mental flag for their next full length. and keyboard/computer fiddling. Very Isis-ish, project—the name-play on Poison Idea Absidia, a recent signing to Lifeforce Records, but less metal. And then track two rolls around (Venomous Concept, get it?), the all-star line- play a slightly more complicated form of and the vocals kick in, and they’re all nice and up (Kevin Sharp, Buzz Osborne and two dudes grind/blender-core with a messy production pretty and British, and the music maintains the from Napalm Death), and the Japanese grind sound that adds to the whiplash fury. A bit of same reverb-soaked dreamy vibe, but the sorta- style cover art. That said, this is pretty fucking Carcass mixed in with some Swedish thrash, all on-the-brink-of-kinda-getting-heavy feeling cool hardcore, albeit a little one-dimensional. under that hazy, distorted mess of a mix. This dissipates, and that’s sad. But so are these Head Melvin Buzz is pretty much lost here as split makes for some pretty killer tuneage. brooding fuckers. What’s with the Brits these he does his best to keep up to the pace of the -Jason Schreurs days and their miserable, self-pitying, dreary two Napalmers, and gets nary a chance to Suffocation pop superstars? Still, this band is good at what deliver his patented serial killer grunge they do, kind of like mellow Opeth, only loos- (although the riff dealy in “Anti-Social” is clas- Souls To Deny er and obviously made by Englishmen. Great sic Buzz). Sharp is in fine form here, although Relapse for late-night solitary doob-addled contempla- there’s none of the screeching/bellowing he did tion. A rare few times the gain is switched back in Brutal Truth. Instead, he opts to channel the They’re baaaack. Has it really been ten years on, and it’s a very welcome change of mood. vocal chords of one Jerry A. Early Poison Idea since the last Suffocation record?

23 Worst CD Off The Record Ministry blistering vocals that have an intensity I only thought Houses of the Molé Dennis Lyxzen could produce. One thing though: it’s Sanctuary hard to tell if these guys are a metal or punk band because they fuse both styles so skillfully. For a WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? One good thing about European import on a Calgary based label, I definite- Republican-ruled ly note some Canadian influences; the same influ- Something about girls. Quiet/Loud. years is that when ences that are eating up our Canadian scene and affect- “Used To Be Alone” – Same song as the first good folks get all ing all the up-and-coming teenage rockers. With the one. Know why? Because these fuckwits have pissed off, the art gets success of Billy Talent and Alexisonfire, expect more ONE influence. Chorus in half-time. Bring it all angry and cynical. and more bands to try and one up each other with this This record is a return new genre of punk. I figure these guys are three up on all down for the punchline. Fucking losers. to form for Ministry; it seems Al Jourgensen needs the local screamers, conquering the European market Fuckin’ Pro-Tools bullshit. Pitch Finders on Bush as much as he claims to hate him...how with this CD, and soon to conquer North America. overload. I’ve seen morgues that are funnier Greekspearian. Clinton just didn’t sound spooky -Hooped than this shit. Quiet/Loud. enough to sample. “I did not have sexual relations “99 Lives” – Oh God. Half-time chorus. Are with that woman” over and over isn’t gonna heat up Atomic 7 you getting the picture? Pull out the guitars for the dance floor at the old Luvafair. All the right ele- En Hillbilly Caliente ments are here for a killer Ministry album: the creepy Mint half a verse. Half-time chorus. Pathetic cover with sinister governmental imagery, scary “jokes”. Blip Blop synth. Girl voice. Half- soundbites from Bush and preachers, massive guitars Remember those days time bridge. Half time chorus. and huge throbbing beats in far greater amounts than when you used to “When Scott Got Dumped” – sensitive ever before. For sure it’s their finest and heaviest piece watch The Kids in the of work yet. Somewhere out there some lucky kid’s Hall on CBC and The Petite Project acoustic intro. Same melody as previous three songs but SLOWER. The whole song is now introduction to Ministry will be this album at 3 am wondered who the CheeROCKracy while all sketched out on acid fuck wrote those Affluence Music Group in half time, except for the chorus. A clever -J. Pee Patchez catchy songs? I know I inversion of the rule. Genius. Ooops. My mis- did. They were called Shadowy Men on a Shadowy UNK ROCK is a lot like CANCER. It’s take. Half time chorus. I thought for a moment The Casualties Planet and they fucking rocked. After three albums not a simple thing. It’s a collection of that T.P.P had managed to increase their num- On The Front Line they called it quits, leaving Canada high and dry, wait- ber of ideas to a whopping two, but it turns out Side One Dummy ing for the next round of poppy, uplifting, instrumen- Pthings; an aggregate; a syndrome made tal, surf dance beats. Well, Brian Connelly, the genius that I wrote a better song in my head during up of thousands of littler things in an infinity Though they’ve been behind Shadowy Men, is back with a new project to of combinations. That’s why CANCER is so the quiet part. Which, incidentally, was fol- around for a long time fill the gaping hole left behind. Seventeen tracks of toe hard to cure. PUNK ROCK? Who knows any- lowed by a loud part. How will we ever keep and I’ve loved every tapping finger-snapping ditties that will rock your ass- more? Let’s just say, to continue the analogy, up? live performance I’ve bah. Think of The Ventures in a martini shaker with a “Cutie Stalker McCutie-Stalk” – Ugh. Half- seen ‘em play, this is splash of good ol’ rock ‘n’ roll, hold the vocals. that if I had this Pettit Project CD growing on the first of their record- - Plow my lung, I’d be dead within the week. If I had time chorus. “I’ll Bury You At Makeout Creek” – Don’t put ings that has done them a different CD on my lung, perhaps Marquee justice. Angry, fast, all out punk rock anthems with Comets On Fire Moon by Televison – I’d last another forty ideas in my head, Pettit Project! Half-time tons of good old shout out backups. Sure, it’s been Blue Cathedral years I bet. “This is a benign Punk Rock chorus probably. I can’t even get through it. I done before, but that’s what I like and they did it very Sub Pop record, Mr. Mack. You can live with it.” wonder if they employ the ol’ quiet/loud well this time around! dynamic for this one? Maybe some chick -Billy Hopeless Holy Shit this record The Pettit Project, I hope, are in their late has made life easy. It’s teens. They have the moxy to reference the vocals over a half-time bridge. I wonder if I’ll ever make it to 40. The Murder Squad just fuckin’ GREAT. Beach Boys and Michael Jackson in their bio, To Ashes You’ll There’s nothing else to and they have the good sense to put hot cheer- “Autobot Love Song” – A stunning, last Return add. Zen Guerilla by leaders all over their packaging. Yay! minute injection of artistic integrity. The Pettit Wounded Paw way of Floyd, but Sadly, that’s where all the moxy and good Project seem to be confessing that Autobots Stonier and better than are writing their music. True to form, the Usually when I get a both. It does actually sound like a Cathedral. I won’t sense ends and all the dumbfuckery, tomdick- CD from an unknown ruin it with 50-cent words and dumb jokes. As for my ery and full on crapshitty-haha takes over. Autobot furnishes them with a stank quiet/loud, Blink-182, half-time bridge, band on a relatively vast project to destroy the entire world with hate, that’s With influences that stretch all the way back to unknown label, I like on standby. At least until I grow tired of Blue the last Sum 41 record, these Burlington- vaguely “comedic” teen-angst masterpiece to run my “punk- Cathedral which I likely never will, not as long as based wankstains have achieved the not unre- replete with all the effects that were worn out review-generator” there are left-handed cigarettes to smoke or I don’t go markable feat of making me yearn for a Time all those years ago when I first put this stun- program and let it do the work for me. After it spits out deaf. If I do go deaf, a possible outcome of my hope- ningly offensive turd-substitute (real turd is so 125 words, I’ll add a “seminal” here, a “post-grunge” fully lifelong relationship with Blue Cathedral, Machine, a coat hanger and a few minutes there and I’ve beaten my deadline without losing a well—then yes—I will destroy the world. Could go alone with their mothers. It used to be the next much better) in my computer. Which, by the way, I now have to powerwash in deference to drop of sweat. But this month, I decided to strap on the either way is what I’m saying. Not that you can do generation always had something to say. Now headphones for an intimate session with The Murder anything about it, so fuck off. One MILLION out of it appears they need to really shut-the-fuck up. my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I’m can- Squad to really get to the essence of their being. What ten. celing summer. a trip, man. Ten tracks of poorly mixed sludge metal -Mack Song-by-song: with incomprehensible vocals (thanks for the lyric The Pettit Project did not respond to my sheet!). There is some nifty guitar work going on here, Darlington “3 Cheers 4 Me” – Every song Blink-182 ever but it’s all muddled by Mike Abalientation’s throaty Euthanize Me “wrote”, all in the space of 2.5 detestable min- numerous requests for an interview. -Mack and tiresome growls. Here’s hoping that the title of this Disaster utes. Half-time pre-chorus. Half-time chorus. album isn’t prophetic. “C’mon! Lets’ Go!” Blip Blop synth. -Adam Simpkins This album totally sums up the way I feel Smut Peddlers about everything from Coming Out skateboarding to right TKO wing politics, all wrapped around some Probably best known for their contributions to the fine Elvis Costello- Jackass movie, OC’s Smut Peddlers have actually quality songwriting, Ramonesy hooks and melodies, been cranking out high-octane melodic punk for 11 and good old punk rock à la when Social Distortion years. On Coming Out, their fifth full-length, the five- was young and angry about the present and not just some cranks out more of the same catchy punk rock looking back at the past. tunes, bringing to mind classic Adolescents or Angry -Billy Hopeless Samoans. Sure could do without the ivory tinkling in a couple of these songs (I hate the sound of piano in my punk), but this album is pretty cool on the whole. Wipe Yer Feet And any punk band who reminds me of Florida’s late v/a great Pink Lincolns gets instant bonus points. For no Doormat nonsense, no apologies punk rock, here’s the perfect fix. If this album is any -Jason Schreurs indication of what’s happening in the A Common Ground Kitchener, Ontario Waiting For A scene these days, as Change To Come the liner notes Triple Threat claim, then what the hell’s the matter with the rest of Eastern As ignorant as an Canada? Stylistically, this comp is all over the American, I can’t place. Not many rock ‘n’ roll sub-genres that seem to figure out if aren’t covered here. Go pick this up, it’s a qual- these guys are ity comp. Who knew this shit was going on in German, Swedish or Kitchener? Next time I’m driving through I Dutch. One of the might just stop for more than a burger and a three, I’m pretty damn sure. They sing and play their piss. gear with fierce skill. The opening track “In These -A.D. MADGRAS Days” blew my fucking eardrums. The album is mixed with fast beats, the crunchiest of guitars and

24 Books Skate ’m easing back into my couch in anticipa- would a Chris Walter book be without copious tion of an evening of non-stop Who Wants amounts of booze, drugs, sex, and punk music, Ito Marry My Amish Apprentice when, any three of which can be found in any ran- SMASH! A brick flies through my window domly selected paragraph. Walter deserves and settles at my feet. Attached to it with a wider recognition and greater success if for no Skate Spot spiked neck collar is a copy of the new Chris other reason than to see him on Vicki Walter book, Boozecan. I rush to the window Gabereau, Canada AM or Off the Record or just in time to see a 7-foot silhouette disap- something. And a note to film studios: pearing from beneath a streetlamp... Boozecan would make a great movie. -J. Pee Patchez FREE! Stylin’! Boozecan Chris Walter Gofuckyerself Press Nerve: If given the opportunity, would you Once again, Chris sell your books to a major publisher? Walter cements his Walter: I’d sell out in a heartbeat, but not if place as the one of they wanted to tell me what to do. I’m quite the premier practi- fond of being able to call all the shots. tioners of punk fic- Nerve: In what ways has a commitment to tion novels. Like punk ethics helped your career? the white Iceberg Walter: Punk taught me that I didn’t have to Slim, Walter’s wait to get picked up by Harper Collins and writing qualifies as that I could publish my own books. The outsider art; people downside is that punk rock will never sell with his lifestyle like Harry Potter. seldom get their Nerve: What are your career goals? Do shit together long enough to actually be able to you hope for more mainstream acceptance write books based on their crazy life experi- as an author or are you pleased with your ences. Boozecan is the story of a mismatched current cult status? group of wannabe entrepreneurs who try to Walter: Cult status don’t put food on the make a little cash running an after hours, table. I’d like to spread my tales of filth and underground concert venue and illegal bar. Of degradation to the asses—I mean masses. course, nothing goes to plan and setbacks and Nerve: It’s a fantasy game of Hollywood adversity become the rule. Circumstances Squares and you are the center square. twist and turn as all the characters strain to Who would you pick to fill the other eight keep this runaway train on the tracks. The plot squares? moves with the feel of a Guy Ritchie movie as Walter: Oh, boy, let’s see... Walter juggles the narrative between all rele- 1. Hunter S Thompson vant players, often reliving the same events 2. through different eyes. This is especially fun 3. Lester Bangs to read when the author puts himself into the 4. Gilligan mind of one of the female characters and 5. Charles Bukowski offers an approximation of a female perspec- 6. The Lunachicks (all in one square) tive. The story is set in modern-day 7. Irvine Welsh Vancouver, which makes it a doubly entertain- 8. Iggy Pop Photo: Julia Davis ing read for anyone familiar with the different Nerve: You’re also a journalist: ask your- locations around the city. In addition to the self a question and answer it. backdrops, the book includes other things Walter: Who would you like to see hack each Above: Noseblunt on the 9’ Inset: FREE makin’ it look easy. Vancouver is well known for: dirty cops, bik- other to death with razors? Gordon Campbell ers, drug dealers, crime families, squeegee and . he internationally famed downspace art August 8. Hastings Bowl comp date is still punks, prostitutes and junkies. And what collective and horseshit factory is ecstat- TBA as far as we can tell, but we’ll keep ya Tic to announce that we have sponsored posted. Arrrrrrrgh! our first Am. We found him face-down in the Whistler parking lot at noon on a blazing hot RDS held a ‘Mini Chin Ramp Challenge’ on day, all dirty and unconscious - that’s how we June 27th, 2004 and local rippers were out in identified him as a skater. He was unable to full frontal, I mean, force. The results as fol- speak, probably due to a hard night in the bars, lows: 13 & Under: 1. James Clarke 2. Micky but his ID told us that his name was FREE!, Papa 3. Nels Isakson 4. Adam Tagg 5. Steven and his duck bill and webbed feet informed us Kopyt 6. Miles Hornby 7. Andrew Classon 8. that he was from Down Undah. After spending Dylan Chong 9. Melina Sparks 10. Travis more time with him we’ve realized he just lets Takarangi 14 - 18: 1. Cody Herridge 2. Matt his skating do the talking. In fact, in his first Mackay 3. Mike Klinkhamer 4. Fraser With session at North Van’s Kirkstone park he made 5. Shawn Muys 6. Michael McClelland 19 & us drop our jaws, with fat airs and gnarly back- Over: 1. Nick Burke 2. Mike Telford 3. side Smiths in the tall corner pocket, and Mariko Glover Sponsored: 1. Stevie Denham moves like high-speed nollie krooks 180 out on 2. Chris Langford 3. Richard Nurmi 4. Trevor the rails. Moncaster and Luke. The guy’s tougher than countrymen Dustin Dollin and Steve-Irwin-tha-Crocodoil- RDS is also holding a Super Camp. No, not Huntah combined. He wouldn’t dangle his grown men in ladies’ frilly things, lots of show- child in front of a crocodile; he’d just eat it raw tunes and ABBA. A SKATE super camp you in the egg, then rinse it down with a slug of dumbass. For kids. And overgrown adult-les- freshly crushed glass. He has the warrior fury cents. Like ourselves. Camps run weeklong M- that only comes from the knowledge that you F, until Aug. 22, healthy snax and jager includ- are a homely evolutionary dead end with dual ed. $225/week, diaper trained only. The penises. FREE! takes slams that would knock Underworld shop tour kicked off at the the stuffing out of lesser mammals with the Universe Skate Park in Qc, and ends Sept. 4 in calm aplomb only known by those lucky Van at the RDS park. Keep track of dates at enough to lack a brain. Moreover, he has no www.underattack.com. bones to break. Lately he’s been chillin’ on our couch with only a fat blunt, a China Creek Another reminder to check out the mesh hat, a pack a’ smokes and an airline-sized Skate!Drink!Destroy! night Wednesdays at bottle of Jagermeister to keep him company. Pub 340 (340 Cambie Street downtown). He’s betting that moving from Whistlah to Listen to DJ Phat Pat, and other rad sounds. Vancouvah will give him the profile needed to Don’t forget to bring yer video footy - maybe make the leap from Hungry Am to Corpulent you’ll get some product, you cheap fucking Pro. So platydads hide your platydaughters, loser. That’s always been our policy and only ‘cuz FREE! is pushin’ fer prestige and pullin’ hope of sponsorship here at downspace: grov- fer platypussy. el, complain bitterly, and cuss. Works for the pirate in all of us. Phone the 434 shop at In Actual News..... 604.683.4349 or 604.209.9387 for more Summer’s half gone, ye mateys, and that details. means the Bowl Series is in full heat like your -D-Rock and Miss Kim. mama. The chaos rained down on White Rock email us [email protected]. on Sunday July 25, despite not a cloud in the sky. The next event is at Whistler on Sunday,

25 Film Ainsworth Gore The Bloody Road to Death STALKING THE SHIPS OF DEATH starring: the Bible By Sinister Sam By J. Ainsworth I am a Bull Shark. Carcharhinus Leucas. I am fearsomely large at 12 feet. I stalk the depths and the shallows of the unheard of waters, ter- rorizing the coastline and the rivers. I have pulled fisherman to their deaths from the sides of rivers, from the shallows of the beaches, and from the coral depths that eventually lead into the master leviathan depths. I have followed and stalked boats for weeks on end; staring into the eyes of the sailors as they look deep into my darkened sockets of want and murder. It’s an animal blood thirst that haunts the sailor and the common man at sea. I have stalked and drawn blood to death on and into the American shores. The cold waters of the eastern seaboard have relent- ed as I pursued the victims into the rivers and into the fear and hatred of man. The Jersey coast has felt my wrath, the waters of Florida have felt the blood terror, and the lakes of Nicaragua continue to feel the death as my grey shape cruises and lashes amongst the shores and freshwater depths. I emit cases of pure Scrunch, scrunch!”… It is the sound of fags say, that by severing the connection unholy terror that consumes the minds of the house upon the cliff and the terror of the fish- tigers. It fills up the jungle, etc. It is a between form and meaning, allows a secret pirate, the sailor, and the whaler. This is what like anatomy stricken to the un-dead sea mon- “sound of danger. The jungle is full of code of communication that no man can begins the nightmares of the water going per- sters of the depths. Pre terror that recognizes sounds of danger. “Scrunch!” Go the tigers. break! Its fucken perfect for the bible, man! sona…. the true god that relishes in the stench of the Scrunch. Andrew: I understand perfectly! I cruise towards the heart of the cinematic dark oceans. It continues and brings fear to the But that’s over there, in India, and it I told you. Rot. Utter, pointless, worth- Americas… I watch as the DEATH SHIP (1980 sailor and the pirates of yore as the Deep Ones should remain there. As exciting as tigers are, less rot, as utterly useless a column as has Dir. Alvin Rakoff) takes its victims based on an stalk the coral depths and present to the viewer nothing is more interesting than the ever- ever been written. changing mercurial world of contemporary Anyway, if it’s tigers you want, it’s tigers evil past that involves past wars and bloodlet- a new reality that strikes the mind with gods of biblical scholarship. Like the biblical lean- you are going to be getting. ting. I feast on the persona adrift from the mas- yore, DAGON (2001 Dir. Brian Yuzna) relates sacre that claims the history of victims from the ing tower of Babel, a tower that appears IN Tigers are a large, orange cat available in the depth lurkers off of the coastal town that THE BIBLE ITSELF, the Bible is a large, parts of Africa as well as in India. They come darkened grey ship. The ship spouts its oil and ring for the old mighty dark ocean god. They up-7thrusting spike. A wise man once said in several makes and colours, including a I lavish in the evil that it projects; the new pris- are stories and legends of the blackened oceans that if English was good enough for Jesus, flashy, whory little white number. Tigers are oners that it consumes become my eventual that call into the nightmares of the pirates. it’s good enough for you. He was right, of huge and enormously ferocious! Stay away! meal. I rapidly cruise to the stories of the course, he was right about so many things…. In the Bible it says, I repeat it says, that I have seen the waters off of the Asian pirates of the old seas that stalked and killed So many sexy things. Like beating a dead Romans threw Jesusians to the LIONS. This coast, off the oceans of the pacific, the terror is with no mercy to attain the goods of wealth. horse, the sexiness goes on. Until it just is rotten, rotten lies, because it was tigers in still there; the haunting fears of the darkest They talked even THE FOG (1980 Dir. John becomes a sad, erect parody of itself. In the the pits! One of the many uses of a tiger is for waters as the humans delve into cases of mur- Carpenter) enshrouded coasts of the Americas, old days…. But no. It’s no good to think coats. It only takes one full-grown adult tiger der. THE LIVING SKELETON (1968 Dir. killing those who betrayed them, striking down about the old days anymore. English is the to make a coat for seven tall men. It would Hiroshi Matsuno) has the key to age-old tales with ghostly un-dead swords that seem to reach language of God, Jesus and the Heaven. take SIXTEEN GOATS to make that many of the boat that is adrift in the storm-riddled with rotting hands into the houses of the sorry This won’t do. I’ve just looked over the coats. The tallest man ever, who was eight coastline. The skeletons exist under the ship, souls of the dark coastal township. The light- column I wrote yesterday and it’s terrible. feet tall, lying down, would not be as long as they move and death dance along with the house, the town, and the cliffs against the ocean Absolutely rotten. even a short tiger, please keep in mind that stalking fears of the divers that delve into their are haunted and darkened by the murderous What you really want is a good article tigers are quadrupial. The tiger is a helpful existence. The atmospheric terror of the mur- blood letters that re-ignite the pirating legend. about tigers, I know…. animal to the cold, the tall, and the needy. dered boat’s crew comes back to haunt and The United Kingdom also holds I once knew this trioxidist, his name was Intellectually, Tigers have made little strike cannibalistic meaning into the un-dead secrets as the swamp in the blackness of the Roy and he had the strength of five men, and impact, neither in academia nor the church. heart of one man. The living skeleton con- night air is haunted by skeleton horsemen who he took it upon himself to smuggle the Why would they? Tigers are pretty and fero- sumes the crew and dangles the skeletal resemble NIGHT CREATURES (1962 Dir. gospels into Godless and Fundamentally cious, not some sort of goddamn book freak. remains for monsters like myself to digest. Peter Graham Scott). Pirates of old that may Homosexual(?) China. He was caught and Hunting tigers is a passion of mine. I The skeletons sometimes reach back onto still exist, but nonetheless come back in skele- asked to leave, and he shrieked like a fucking advise using any sort of gun, or a spear. A woman when they told him. I reckon he had friend of mine, actually it was Roy the the hull of the boat to stalk their victims, the tal form to terrorize the villagers that see fit to just a little bit more god in him than you. He Trioxidist come to think of it, he favours blood flows rich from the un-dead crews that travel into the local dark swamplands. Can the have warrior-like religious would not give up on his mission. Eventually throwing rocks at the tiger. I say, “Man, rocks old histories of the pirates be they castrated him, not a funny story really, you use on bees!” Roy said no. He told me backgrounds and kill all guarded by the skeletal figures except for the fact that he had… well, a sim- this story where he killed a bunch of tigers females that lurk upon the that strike pure terror and ply monstrous cock. I went up to Roy, years with a huge boulder, and then he skinned the darkened ships. It’s a HOR- blacken the atmosphere of the later, and I said, “sorry to hear about your tigers, using his knife-sharp penis, funnily ROR OF THE ZOMBIES on a village? danglers, Roy!!!” but he took it in stride. enough, and he sewed up the orange coats GHOST GALLEON (1975 I cruise on in the dark Because that was Roy. He was as tough as into a huge, huge coat, and he put the coat on Dir. Amando De Ossorio) as oceans and reefs that hold molten steel. Anyway, after he had his t-bag an elephant. That elephant just wigged out, the decrepit galleon stalks the many stories and hauntings. I cut off, he got into a debate with a notorious and all the villagers freaked out, needless to darkened fog enshrouded continue to act the scavenger Jew. say, at the sight of such a huge fucking tiger. waters off the coast of Spain, as I eat the flesh thrown over- They used almost half a million rocks to kill claiming the victims, amputat- board, but also play the hunter Roy. There is one secret I have to tell you the disguised elephant, it was a hell of a ing, beheading, and leaving me as I pull those down into the before my bus stop. mess, and when they realized the tiger was a gulping for water…. depths. The sailors and the Andrew: Tell me quick. friendly elephant, well, there was a lot of The gods of old stalk the pirates of the oceans will Roy: The best, and easiest way to infiltrate impotent anger and steamy rage. Roy got out deepened waters of the ocean always eventually feel my the holy Gospels, the Gospels of my Christ, of town. Quick. ready to re-awake any retribu- wrath even as they stretch the Christ, the notorious Jew, is simply to Thanks for reading. tion or age-old deficiency from their yarns against a lit screen reconfigure the alphabet into a series of eas- the depths of the waters, the in a haunted room of sea ily memorized glyphs, or as I call them Visual Oh, you can also use the Bible code thing for old underwater cities that going oceanic nightmares. memory Impactors, or as I prefer, V.M.I.s. red-hot pornographic novels including man- delve within the old haunted (Dedicated to James Havoc’s Andrew: Fuck off! on-man, golden fisting and all-animal action! true reality stories. NECRO- masterpiece of Pirate litera- Roy: It’s a simple matter of reconstituting the Why not try it out yourself, and thanks for NOMICON – THE RATS IN ture WHITE SKULL) alphabaic matter, the visual foundation of reading! THE WALLS (1994 Dir. Brian each Holy word in the Bible, into an unique Yuzna) presents the haunted or almost unique glyph, or “symbol” as the

26 Games PIRATE! Puzzle Page WIN A ticket to the Rock ‘n’ Roll boat cruise! (See the ad on p. 8) Bring your completed puzzles in person:to The Nerve office weekdays between 12- 5pm or you can mail them to: The Nerve Magazine 508-825 Granville St. Vancouver, BC V6Z-1K9

Crossword -by Dan Scum Across 1. Pop Tart ad expression 4. Georgetown player 8. Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome 12. The _____ of March 14. Olde Tyme Guitars 15. Stead 16. 53 to Caesar 17. Unlocks 18. Genesis patriarch (not Phil) 19. Restaurant chain with PIRATE logo 22. Government house 23. Process info with the eyes 24. Member of 22A (abbrv) 25. Herpes, AIDS, etc. 26. The Specials or Reel Big Fish genre PIRATE 38. “Mirror mirror on the 29. The happy key 3. Klaus of The Scorpions wall, who’s the ____ of them 32. Distress call from a ship 4. – all? being jacked by PIRATES 5. ____ Ishii of 1 Down 39. A coup on a PIRATE 33. Latin day 6. Strong desires ship 34. Late nite cable feature 7. Aides 41. Opp. of post 35. Steal 8. Worker in the Galley of a 42. Comedic parody 36. A PIRATE says, “Arrr PIRATE ship 43. PIRATE expression for ______!” 9. Assist “attention” 37. Makes mistakes 10. Stern of a PIRATE ship 45. Lincoln and Simpson 38. Vancouver has none and 11. Totals 46. # of seas a PIRATE sails Regina is the town that 13. Deaf PIRATE’s language 47. Not flaccid rhymes with _____ 14. Plundering PIRATE 48. British drunkards 39. PIRATE ship in a bottle, 20. ______and the 49. PIRATE captain in Peter e.g. Argonauts Pan 40. Where a French PIRATE 21. Light Emitting Diode 50. Initials on The Crucifix sails 25. Relative of a CS or a MF of the Christ 41. Huffable cooking spray 26. Locale 51. Spiked ball and chain 42. Opp. de Nord 27. “Arrrrr, you’ll be _____ 52. And the rest….. 43. Jackie’s second hubby hulled!” 53. Supersonic jets 44. “OK troops, relax” 28. Mrs. Mickelson 48. “Well I’ll be Damned,” or Ms. Tan Last Issue’s Solution: to a PIRATE 29. Insignificant 54. Charlie Chaplin’s wife 30. A PIRATE 55. Opp. of Take Out says “______, 56. Nights before matey!” 57. Fruity Jerky Boys char- 31. Baron of Beef acter Jack ____ Dip accompani- 58. Frightening (Like ment PIRATES) 32. Part of 25D 59. Religious offshoot 33. Pop 60. Improv act 35. A PIRATE 61. The T in TV sings, “Yo ho ho 62. Bridge bids and a bottle of ______!” Down 36. Internet 1. Kill _____ PIRATE’s 2. “Goodbye” to a Spanish requirement

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