A Christmas Carol

An Adaptation of Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol

Book, Music & Lyrics by Bill Robens

PRODUCTION SCRIPT

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CAST OF PRINCIPAL CHARACTERS All the male characters can be either bass or baritone with the exception of Theodore Roosevelt who may be preferable as a tenor— though not necessarily. Female characters can be anything mostly, with the exception of Ellen Beach Yaw who should be a soprano. The music is more of a pop than traditional musical variety, and actors will be asked to play several roles, so the overall composition of the cast is of greater concern than the ranges of most of the individual parts. WILLIAM MULHOLLAND: Cantankerous head of the Department of Water and Power. HARVEY VAN NORMAN: Mulholland’s clerk, and loving head of the Van Norman household. FRED EATON: Clever and calculating, then regretful— death will do that to a person. JOHN WESLEY POWELL: Bold and wise explorer of the old west. YOUNG MULHOLLAND: Hard-working and hopeful Irish immigrant. WOMAN IN RAGS: Impoverished, yet proud, Latina mother. LILLIE MULHOLLAND: Idyllic representation of all that is good and pure. J.B. LIPPINCOTT: Slimy, ambitious snake-in-the-grass. HARRISON GRAY OTIS: Old world 19th century robber baron. THEODORE ROOSEVELT: Passionate, committed, progressive President of the United States. THE VAN NORMAN CHILDREN: Martha, 16; Peter, 13; Mary, 12; Melinda, 10; Pablito, 8: Impossibly adorable and loving children.

AUTHOR'S NOTE There are dozens of non-principal characters in the script which are far too numerous to mention, so actors may be asked to play several roles among the principals and chorus. A cast breakdown of approximately 11 men and 7 women appears to work best with only the actor playing Old Mulholland confined to a single role. Accordingly, any part of the stage may be used to represent several different locales over the course of the play. Expediency matters more than realism; the chaotic nature of actors frantically changing hats and wigs while stagehands move props and flats around to indicate a change in scenery adds to the fun and irreverence of the piece.

LIST OF SONGS

ACT I #1 Opening Number ...... Chorus #2 Mulholland's Theme ...... Mulholland & Van Norman #3 L.A. River ...... Young Mulholland #4 All Dams Leak ...... Water Dept. Bigwigs & Moneyed Interests #5 Our Owens Valley Song ...... Townspeople #6 Land Grab ...... Ensemble #7 Hail the Water ...... Ellen Beach Yaw, Spectators & Dignitaries

ACT II #8 Bully ...... Teddy Roosevelt & Mulhollan #9 Christmas Time ...... Keeler Folk #10 This Fine Dam ...... Van Normans, Townspeople, Mulholland & St. Francis #11 I Envy the Dead ...... Mulholland #12 Finale ...... Ensemble

A MULHOLLAND CHRISTMAS CAROL – PRODUCTION SCRIPT 1

ACT I

SCENE 1 AT RISE: The city streets of the Owens Valley, on a cold winter's night. Out of the ether emerge TOWNSPEOPLE.

SONG #1: OPENING NUMBER

TOWNSPERSON #1 ARRIVING IN THE DESERT PLAINS OF CALIFORNIA LAND CAME A MAN FROM ACROSS THE SEA THE FUTURE IN HIS HAND TOWNSPERSON #2 TO RELIEVE A THIRSTY CITY A DESERT HE WOULD TAME HE'D ENGINEER AN AQUEDUCT MULHOLLAND WAS HIS NAME TOWNSPEOPLE MULHOLLAND, MULHOLLAND MULHOLLAND, MULHOLLAND TOWNSPERSON #3 LIKE ZEUS OF OLD HE RULED THE CITY HE MADE GREAT THAT HE'D BE REMEMBERED FOR THIS ALAS WAS NOT HIS FATE TOWNSPERSON #4 THE SAME WATER HE BROUGHT TO L.A. FOR WHICH HE'D EARNED HIS FAME DROWNED CITIES IN A DAM COLLAPSE TO HIS EVERLASTING SHAME TOWNSPEOPLE MULHOLLAND, MULHOLLAND MULHOLLAND, MULHOLLAND TOWNSPEOPLE continue singing "Mulholland" under the soloists. TOWNSPERSON #1 A CITY ENGINEER TOWNSPERSON #3 A MAN WHO KNEW NO FEAR

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TOWNSPERSON #2 HE MADE LOS ANGELES GROW TOWNSPERSONS #1-4 WHAT WOULD BECOME OF IT HE'D NEVER KNOW TOWNSPERSON #4 BUT AS TIME ELAPSED TOWNSPERSONS #1, 3 & 4 ST. FRANCIS DAM COLLAPSED TOWNSPERSON #2 TO HIS EVERLASTING SHAME ALL TOWNSPEOPLE MULHOLLAND WAS HIS NAME. GOD REST YE MERRY GENTLEMEN Song ends.

A MULHOLLAND CHRISTMAS CAROL – PRODUCTION SCRIPT 3

SCENE 2 CHRISTMAS EVE AT THE OWENS VALLEY BRANCH OF THE DWP, 1928 Water baron, WILLIAM MULHOLLAND, now in his 70s, is sitting at his desk going over some calculations. His assistant, HARVEY VAN NORMAN, approaches. MULHOLLAND (to himself) At 11.4 billion gallons, the St. Francis Dam should provide the water capacity we need to ensure that Los Angeles will continue to grow indefinitely. Heh heh heh. VAN NORMAN Mr. Mulholland, sir? MULHOLLAND What is it? VAN NORMAN I've been employed with the DWP for a number of years, sir, and I have a question to ask which I wouldn't consider asking if it weren't for the season. MULHOLLAND Out with it, man. What do you want? VAN NORMAN Might it be possible to perhaps release some of the water out of the Alabama Gates to allow the local farmers to water their crops for Christmas? MULHOLLAND That is positively out of the question. VAN NORMAN But sir, it's Christmas! MULHOLLAND Bah! Bullshit! VAN NORMAN Christmas a bullshit, sir? You don't mean that, I'm sure! MULHOLLAND Mr. Van Norman, you may be a resident of the Owens Valley, but for the time being, until I see fit to release you from your duties, you are an employee of the Los Angeles Department of Water and Power. As such, I expect you to do everything in your power to ensure that every drop of the Owens River is diverted to Los Angeles. I expect the St. Francis Dam to be filled to capacity in three months. Music begins to vamp. Once the reservoir is filled, I shall close this office to return to Los Angeles. You may then return to the riffraff with whom you choose to identify yourself. VAN NORMAN But sir, surely you don't want to take all of the water from the Owens Valley.

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SONG #2: MULHOLLAND'S THEME

MULHOLLAND I COME FROM DUBLIN MOTHER DIED WHEN I WAS EIGHT LEFT HOME WHEN I WAS FOURTEEN JOINED THE NAVY, MOVING FREIGHT

I ARRIVED IN L.A. AT THE AGE OF TWENTY-ONE JUST A TOWN OF NINE-THOUSAND SOULS 'NEATH THE CALIFORNIA SUN

IN TEN YEARS I BECAME THE SUPER- INTENDENT OF THE L.A. CITY WATER COMPANY

L.A.'S AN EMPIRE A HALF-A-MILLION STRONG WE'VE ABSORBED A DOZEN CITIES WE PLANNED IT ALL ALONG

FROM THE HARBOR IN SAN PEDRO TO THE FARMS OF SHERMAN OAKS THEY DRINK WATER DIVERTED FROM THE OWENS VALLEY FOLKS

I CHANGED THE COURSE OF A RIVER AND PROVIDED PUBLIC POWER FOR THE CITY'S INDUSTRIES

IT'S POINTLESS TO RESIST HER THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO SHE'S CRUSHED A MILLION SPIRITS SHE'LL DESTROY YOURS TOO

HER GROWTH IS UNRELENTING SHE'S A DYNASTY OF FOOLS USING EVERY DROP OF WATER FOR ORANGE GROVES AND SWIMMING POOLS

SHE'LL BLEED THE VALLEY DRY EVERY CROP MUST DIE! (speaking) Bwah! Hah! Hah! Hah! VAN NORMAN You're mad!

A MULHOLLAND CHRISTMAS CAROL – PRODUCTION SCRIPT 5

MULHOLLAND YOUR WAY OF LIFE IS ENDING YOU'D BEST JUST MOVE AWAY TO GLENDALE OR PASADENA IT'S LOVELY, SO THEY SAY

JUST SELL ALL YOUR POSSESSIONS TO THE DWP YOU'D BETTER DO IT QUICKLY OR THEY'LL TAKE IT ALL FOR FREE

THEN EVERYTHING YOU KNOW WILL BECOME L.A. WATER DEPARTMENT PROPERTY (speaking) Everything: Owens Lake; Mono Lake; swimming pools; movie stars. And there will be signs posted everywhere saying "no trespassing. Violators will be prosecuted… with extreme prejudice." Song ends. CHARITY GUY and CHARITY GAL enter. Guy has a cup intended for donations. CHARITY GUY Department of Water and Power, I presume. CHARITY GAL William Mulholland? MULHOLLAND Yes? CHARITY GUY (looking at Van Norman) And you must be Fred Eaton. VAN NORMAN Why, no… I… MULHOLLAND My former partner, Fred Eaton, died some years ago a bitter and lonely man. Surely, you read the papers. CHARITY GAL I'm sorry. MULHOLLAND State your business. CHARITY GUY At this festive season of the year, Mr. Mulholland, it is more than usually desirable that we should make some slight provision of those who live in the particularly dry counties of the state of California— particularly those towns that have lost the water necessary to support themselves, such as Lone Pine, Independence, and Bishop.

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CHARITY GAL Many of these people can no longer water their farms, and have lost the ability to earn a living. Now that the Owens River flows all the way to Los Angeles, the economy of the Owens Valley lies in ruins. MULHOLLAND Are there no prisons? CHARITY GUY Plenty of prisons. MULHOLLAND I presume they are still in working order? CHARITY GUY They are. I wish I could say they were not. MULHOLLAND And Barstow? The town of Barstow is still in existence, is it not? CHARITY GAL Barstow, sir? MULHOLLAND I presume they are still accepting immigrants. CHARITY GUY Yes, sir. MULHOLLAND Then let them move to Barstow. CHARITY GUY Many can't go there! CHARITY GAL And many would rather die! MULHOLLAND If they would rather die, they had better do it, and decrease the surplus population. I do agree with you, however, that it is a shame all of the orchards are dying in the Valley since there are now not enough trees to hang all of the troublemakers who inhabit this God-forsaken desert! Good afternoon! CHARITY GUY and GAL flee. The bell, indicating the end of the workday, rings. (to Van Norman) You'll want all day tomorrow, I suppose? VAN NORMAN If quite convenient, sir. MULHOLLAND It's not convenient. With the St. Francis Dam scheduled to be operating at full capacity in three months, I can't afford to have my engineering staff lying about their houses gorging themselves on iced tea and washing their hair for Christmas photos.

A MULHOLLAND CHRISTMAS CAROL – PRODUCTION SCRIPT 7

VAN NORMAN It's only once a year, sir. MULHOLLAND A poor excuse for tapping a man's reservoir every twenty-fifth of December. But I suppose you must have the whole day. Be here all the earlier the next morning. VAN NORMAN is unfazed. Nothing can keep him from celebrating the Holiday with his beloved family. He quickly grabs his things and exits— a spring in his step. MULHOLLAND grabs his cheap, thin, winter coat and also exits.

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SCENE 3 MULHOLLAND is walking down a cold city street. He passes by a cockney BOY singing "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen." The Boy approaches. BOY Beggin' your pardon, governor? Could you spare a cup of water? MULHOLLAND Spare water? Are you mad? There's a drought on. BOY Please sir! It's Christmas! MULHOLLAND Christmas! How do I know you're not an anarchist? Perhaps you've been dynamiting my aqueduct, and now you want to rob me of some of my hard-earned water. BOY Oh no, sir! MULHOLLAND Then off with you! BOY runs off. Christmas! Bah! Bullshit!

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SCENE 4 MULHOLLAND approaches the front door of his house. EATON William Mulholland! The knocker has suddenly transformed into the face of his deceased partner. MULHOLLAND Fred Eaton? MULHOLLAND tentatively opens the door. Bullshit.

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SCENE 5 MULHOLLAND'S PARLOR The old man prepares for bed. After a few moments we hear the loud ringing of his doorbell. Once the doorbell ceases, we hear the rattling of bottles, and a heavy stomping noise, as well as other ghostly noises, growing louder and louder, freaking MULHOLLAND out considerably. MULHOLLAND Bullshit! It's bullshit still! I won't believe it! The parlor door swings open. Entering is FRED EATON'S GHOST. He has a bandage wrapped from the top of his head to his jaw. He is dragging pipes, faucets and other water-themed implements behind him. Who are you? EATON Ask me who I was. MULHOLLAND Who were you then? EATON In life I was your partner, Fred Eaton. My family founded the city of Pasadena. As city engineer of Los Angeles, I designed the city's sewer system, as well as the original plans to Pershing Square and MacArthur Park. I was elected mayor of Los Angeles in 1898, and during my tenure, I designed the first… MULHOLLAND I am familiar with your resumé, spirit. EATON Yes, of course. You don't believe in me. MULHOLLAND I don't. EATON Why do you doubt your senses? MULHOLLAND Because a little thing affects them. A slight disorder of the stomach makes them cheats. You may be an undigested bit of beef, a blot of mustard, a crumb of cheese, a fragment of an underdone potato. There's more of gravy than of grave about you, whatever you are! EATON lets out a terrifying shriek! Mercy! Dreadful apparition, why do you trouble me? EATON It is required of every man that the spirit within him should walk abroad among his fellow-men, and travel far and wide; and if that spirit goes not forth in life, it is condemned to do so after death.

A MULHOLLAND CHRISTMAS CAROL – PRODUCTION SCRIPT 11

MULHOLLAND But you were always a good man of the water-business, Fred. EATON Water-business? Mankind was my business. The common welfare was my business; charity, mercy, benevolence were all my business. The dealings of my trade were but a drop of water in the comprehensive ocean of my business! I am here tonight to warn you, that you have a chance and hope of escaping my fate. You will be haunted by three spirits. MULHOLLAND Is that the chance and hope you mentioned, Fred? EATON It is. MULHOLLAND (terrified) I… think I'd rather not. EATON (lets out an otherworldly shriek) Without their visits, you cannot hope to shun the path I tread. Expect the first when the bell tolls one. (exiting) One… one… one. EATON skulks away. MULHOLLAND jumps into bed, terrified, and falls fast asleep.

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SCENE 6 Lights up on MULHOLLAND sleeping. The clock strikes one, awaking Mulholland. POWELL enters, dressed in “western frontier explorer” attire and missing his right arm. MULHOLLAND Are you the spirit, sir, whose coming was foretold to me? POWELL I am. I am the Ghost of Christmas Past. MULHOLLAND Long past? POWELL No. Your past. MULHOLLAND You look familiar to me, spirit. POWELL I'm John Wesley Powell. Perhaps you've heard of me. MULHOLLAND Yes, of course. You explored the Grand Canyon. POWELL I was an explorer, an academic, and I lost my arm at Shiloh. After rafting the Grand Canyon I became the first head of the U.S. Geological Survey. MULHOLLAND I remember. I've learned a great deal from your work. POWELL Have you now? I'd like to know what I might have done to inspire the mess you've made of things. I found the southwest to be a beautiful, but inhospitable place with scarcely few rivers and incompatible with the kind of expansion and boosterism which you've made famous in this city you built out in the middle of nowhere. You know there are millions of fertile acres of land in the east? And giant cities with enormous lakes and rivers running right through them? Why'd you folks have to build out here? MULHOLLAND This area was so beautiful when I arrived in 1877. POWELL Dern tootin'. Now, rise and walk with me. Touch my arm. POWELL gestures with his stump. When MULHOLLAND touches his… um… arm, the lights change.

A MULHOLLAND CHRISTMAS CAROL – PRODUCTION SCRIPT 13

SCENE 7 THE L.A. RIVER CIRCA 1877 We find both of them standing in front of a pretty little river. POWELL Look familiar to you? MULHOLLAND Heavens! It's the L.A. River! I used to live right there at the corner of Riverside and Los Feliz. I'd forgotten how beautiful it was! POWELL Isn't it still beautiful? MULHOLLAND No, of course not. So much water has been diverted over the years and used for irrigation, it's dry most of the… A YOUNG WILLIAM MULHOLLAND, carrying a polka dot sack on a stick, approaches. He has a kind, hopeful spirit. He kneels down to refresh himself next to the L.A. River's sparkling waters. Music begins to play. POWELL And who's this young man, I wonder? MULHOLLAND Why, it's me! It's me! I remember this precisely. I had been in town for two months and couldn't get any work, so I was going to San Pedro to catch the next ship for San Francisco. I wanted to stop by the L.A. River one last time— I did love it so.

SONG #3: L.A. RIVER

YOUNG MULHOLLAND CRYSTAL CLEAR L.A. RIVER WATER DIVINE BRINGING LIFE TO THE PUEBLO ONE DROP AT A TIME

FERTILE FIELDS A-LINE YOUR BANKS HOW I WISH YOU WERE MINE L.A. RIVER

FROM BELL CREEK TO VERDUGO THE RIVER RUNS FREE WHEN IT FEEDS THE ZANJA MADRE THE JOURNEY'S COMPLETE

THOUGH IT FLOODS PERIODICALLY IT'S LIKE HEAVEN TO ME

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YOUNG MULLHOLLAND (CONT’D) L.A. RIVER Music continues playing while WOMAN approaches. WOMAN Excuse me, stranger. My husband's driving a well about a half-mile south of here and we could use a little help. Know anything about water? YOUNG MULHOLLAND Yes. Yes, I do! WOMAN You're hired! Exits. YOUNG MULHOLLAND COOL AND CLEAN L.A. RIVER SWEET, LIMPID STREAM SPRINGING FORTH AN OASIS AS IF IN A DREAM

WHERE NOTHING LOOKS LIKE ANYTHING AND NOTHING IS AS IT SEEMS L.A. RIVER L.A. RIVER L.A. RIVER Song ends. POWELL Let's take a look at another Christmas a couple years later.

A MULHOLLAND CHRISTMAS CAROL – PRODUCTION SCRIPT 15

SCENE 8 L.A. CITY WATER COMPANY BUILDING EUNICE JENKINS, CORAZON CONCEPCION AGUILAR, and EMELINE CHILDS are in the middle of a Christmas party celebrating the success of the L.A. City Water Company. Jenkins and Aguilar are the wives of greedy turn of the century water barons while Childs is on the board of the Water Company herself. They are in the midst of toasts and are making very celebratory laughing and harumphing sounds, while MULHOLLAND sits separate from them, going over some figures. MULHOLLAND This is where I made a name for myself. It's the old L.A. City Water Company building north of the Plaza. I worked here as a young man, before becoming superintendent. POWELL Bear in mind— these are but shadows of the things that have been. They have no consciousness of us. JENKINS To the good people of Los Angeles, without whom none of this largesse would have been possible. AGUILAR Here here! JENKINS, AGUILAR, CHILDS toast. Here's to another thirty years of service to the city of Los Angeles. May our contract with the city be renewed, and may the water of Los Angeles forever remain in private hands. They toast. JENKINS Why, Bill, whatever is the matter? Everyone is having such a splendid time. AGUILAR The men have adjourned to share a smoke in the library, and yet here you are poring over numbers like a schoolboy! CHILDS Come, child. Put those books aside and join the party. YOUNG MULHOLLAND Forgive me. I've been going over these figures all night and I can't see how our antiquated system of wooden pipes can continue to provide water for a growing city of fifty thousand people. JENKINS We don't either, but you don't see us worrying about it. AGUILAR The water is ours to dispense as we choose. YOUNG MULHOLLAND But we have a civic duty to see to it that the people of the city have an adequate water supply.

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CHILDS Civic duty? JENKINS, AGUILAR and CHILDS are all shocked. JENKINS Bill, as a privately-owned, for-profit, enterprise, our only civic duty is to ourselves. Luckily for the city, whatever benefits us eventually, probably, sooner-or-later, also benefits the public at large. Allow us to elucidate.

SONG #4: ALL DAMS LEAK

JENKINS, AGUILAR & CHILDS THE ALMIGHTY IN HIS INFINITE WISDOM ALLOCATES THE LAND UPON HIS MAP IN A FASHION WHEREBY WE CONTROL HIS WATER ADMINIST'RING HIS MOST HOLY TAP JENKINS I WENT DOWN TO THE RIVER TO PRAY THAT THE LORD MIGHT GRANT ME A WAY TO TAKE THAT RIVER FOR MY OWN THAT WATER FREELY FLOWING WOULD NEVER BE FREE (to Young Mulholland; speaking) Do you suggest we surrender our rights? Would you rather the water be under the ownership of a corrupt governmental bureaucracy? YOUNG MULHOLLAND No, I suppose not. AGUILAR IF I WERE THAT LUCKY OLD SUN SHINING DOWN ON EVERYONE I’D GAUGE THE FLOWERS AND THE TREES THEN I COULD CHARGE THEM FOR THE LIGHT YOUNG MULHOLLAND I just don't see how we can maintain the system as it is. We're using wooden pipes that are too narrow to put out a fire if necessary, and we have reservoirs supported by dams that leak and could go at any minute. AGUILAR A fire? When was the last time we had a major fire? JENKINS Really. Los Angeles isn't the kind of place you think of when you think of huge fires burning out of control. CHILDS Dear boy, all dams leak, you know that. It's all a natural part of being a dam. (singing) I SUFFER TERRIBLY SOMETIMES WHEN PEOPLE TRY TO TAKE WHAT'S MINE

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