BROTHERS AND HUSBANDS: THE GREEK PRIN CE BECOMING FEMALE IN GREEK AMERICA
IBy CONSTANCE CALLINICOS/
Ecxerpts from her book "American Aphrodite"
PART III broke up many times and would He was extremely possessive,jealous always go back together again. The ofmy every move andextremelycrit And, I wonder sometimes, were you strange thing is that my father was a ical. "You must wear your hair this ever to comprehend, to understand caring, decent kind of man. He did way. You must dress that way. Eat clearly what the loss of that sister has not treat me that way. An I had never this, not that. Don't talk or walk that cost you, would not a loud keening, met any other man who treated me so way." At first I rebelled. We would sharper and more ferocious than was cruelly. Sometimes I wondered if he get into terrible arguments ever my ever heard from the howls of old women wasn't jealous of my father. Yet, in desire to be myself. over the graves of their sons and hus social situations, he was so muchfun I remember once, a bunch ofus, all bands, surely emanate from your bow to be with. He loved to party. He still Greeks, going to a basketball game. els, sweet young Hermes, the wounded loves to party. People outside our This was while he was still in school. animal's cry of anguish, of grief at such intimate circles would never suspect A dear friend ofmine was along with a loss. How many of us have you lost, he was so immature and cruel. her date (not Greek). When the game Greek American fathers and brothers, So, there it was, perfect: a nice was over, the men wanted to go off and how many more will you lose to a Greek boy, future attorney. Fun to and do something alone. He turned world where Woman equals Human be with. After a year or so of going to me and said, "Okay, you girls can Being? with him, I decided to marry him. I go home now." I said to him, "Why quit school (which didn't really break should we go home; we're having a * * * my mother's heart - it would have lot of fun. Let's do something all Katina, age, 40, is safely out of the upset her more had Ifinished and still together. Besides, we all want to Greek culture as we knew it, but not had no ring on my finger) and went to come along." We were laughing and before living through an ugly divorce work to put him through law school. giggling, all of us, and I didn't think I from a well-to-do Greek American hus After we were engaged was when it had said anything out of the ordi band. She spoke to me of the nightmare really started. Before that it was just a nary. He turned to me and pinched of her fifteen-year relationship with comment here and there, but after he me on the leg. So hard that I almost him: knew I was committed to marry him, cried. My friend saw this. Later she he started really to boss me around. said to me, "You canit marry this I don't know what attracted me to him. To this day I can'tfigure it out. Probably because he was Greek, and we were supposed to marry Greeks. • Epyoalo •E yyU'1J'l:V11 Very good-looking, too. I remember his Greekness is very prominent in my mind. He was always very self M outafis Decorating centered, egotistical, always wanting to put me down, in every way. "You and think you're too good, just wait until I knock you on your ass, a high-class Greek bitch with your nose up in the Contracting, Inc. air. I should knock you down a cou 35-44 11 th Street ple of notches just to teach you a Long Island City, New York 11106 lesson." This kind of thing went on almost from the very beginning of TEL: (718) 932-5970 our relationship. We use to argue all the time, even FAX: (718) 545-2792 before we were married. And we
NOVEMBER, 1991 29 guy. 1"11 never speak to you again." change. He has this whore-madonna until [ got the courage to leave. [ broke it off several times. But concept of women, and particularly Funny thing is, even the night each time [ did, he would come back because [ was Greek, this situation before my wedding, the week before and be so nice to me that [ would would never change. Also, he hated the wedding, [ thought twice about start all over agian until the next me because [was a Greek woman. He going ahead with this marriage. heated argument. Our entire life had a long affair with a woman who Again, though, [ considered the fact together all those years was like that. is not Greek, and he never treated her that he was Greek American. My We went through two marriage like that. [n fact, the exact opposite mother was so excited that [ was counselors and one psychiatrist. of how he acted with me. A perfect going to marry a Greek. The dress Each time they told me [ should get gentlemen. was hanging in my closet, the invita out, that this was never going to He was very pampred as a child. tions were out, the whole thing. Most His mother did everything for him, of my Greek girlfriends were getting and [ did, too, while we were mar married, and if [ didn't marry him, ried. [ am really embarrased to admit how would [find another Greek man that [ buttered his breadfor him, cut that was so prized as a good catch? EJ\J\HNIKH !lNH his meat, even. He would sit down at At one point [ remember telling the table for meals, and he'd always my mother [ was going to give back THI be pointing and yelling, "Get me the his engagement ring - about two ketchup, get me the milk, get me this, months before the wedding. She said NEAl: YOPKHI get me that." [ never ate a single meal to me, "How could you do that now? where my stomach wouldn't jump You've been seen with him for such a from running all over the kitchen to long time now, that people will talk. THE SOUNDS get the things he wanted, because no They'll say you are 'used'. You'll matter how clever and prepared [ never be able to get another Greek OF GREECE thought [ was, there were always man." Apparently in the minds of all things [ would forget to make sure Greeks, if you've been engaged, you ON WEVD 1050 AM were at his arm's reach. And if [was are "used" and nobody could possi too slow, he would make sure and tell bly ever want you after a broken me, "You're too damm slow."1 even engagement. [thought about hurting used tofile his fin gem ails and cut and my parents, and decided what the groom his toenails. [ did. Believe it, [ hell, it wasn't that bad. [might as well did. [ can't believe it now myself. go ahead with it. He was verry passive when it came [ was afraid of his jealously and to sex. [ only realized the difference possessiveness from the day of the after [ divorced him and became wedding. [wouldn't even let any man involved with another man, my hus kiss me at the receptionfor fear ofhis band now. [ never ever would have anger. While we were going together, suspected what a rotten sex life [ had. if I ever smiled at a man we both When we first married, [ thought knew, he would hiss in my ear, "One there was something wrong with me. of your exes?" [ believed that when you got married While he was in law school, [ you had sex every night. And when worked. [ would come home, fix we didn't, [thought it was because of dinner, do the dishes, then [ would me. [felt so rejected, so undesirable. plop down and res t. He would ask if[ He had had other women before me didn't have anything to do, like iron and always threw it in my face that all ing or washing, or something. He of them were better than me. They hated to see me sitting down. werefantastic sex partners, nympho At one point [ packed a suitcase manicas for him, even, and [ was a H Tiva :EavLOplvaiou 11 EAA11- and was walking out. He came over cold fish. When he finally got VlKrl
30 GREEK-AMERICAN REVIEW moved back here to his home town. intellectually to me and to him. They counselors. I finally did leave, with Even after the children were born, he did everything he said / wasn't sup the help ofmy brothers. But it wasn't had a great social life among his posed to do - smoked, hung around easy. It's been a long road, trying to friends. Out every night he could, in bars, laughed and had a good time, finish my education, living in a cards, with his buddies, bars, here drank, partied. But he treated them cramped apartment with the kids. and there. But / had to stay home all like they were Holy Women. I would I'm glad I did it, though. Because I the time. / was supposed to play wife look at myself in the mirror and never would have had a chance to and mother, and that was all. think, "/ am going crazy." meet a wonderful man like my hus / always felt like / was just a body According to him / was anti-social. band. Things have turned out okay to him. Sex was never to satisfy me, / was a snob. I was losing my looks. for me. just him. He always wanted me to "What are you going to do when you touch him. But he never touched me, get old and aren't good-looking any Katina is remarried. She was seven not once. And we always had to do it more?" / took a modeling job just to months pregnant, starting a new life in the dark. build up my self-confidence. Of with a new husband when I spoke to He resented our baby son when he couse, my Greek relatives thought her. She had finished her college degree. wasfirst born./would befeedingthe that was outrageous. A lawyer's wife The nightmare has receded. But her baby or playing with him, and he doesn't go out and model clothes. questioning about our culture and our would do his usual: "Bring me some But it did me a lot ofgood to get out common background has not receded. ice cream. Now." / would say to him, and be with people who like me. When I sat with her in her kitchen, her "Can't you get it yourself? l'mfeed / postponed the divorce for six final question to me is probably one of ing the baby." He wouldgetfurious. years. After all, / had two small child the key questions in the minds of most He even started calling the baby ren. What would my parents say? of the young and almost middle-aged Oedipus Rex. What would his parents say? What American-born Greek women I talked He resented sharing his money would all of the Greeks we knew say to: "Why? Why are they like that? Will with me. He hated giving me any if / divorcecd my wonderful lawyer they ever change?" thing, not even the grocery money husband? Besides that, what would / was handed over unless / heard about do? How would / support my two how good he was to do it. Or money children, alone? PANEGYRI for things like my underwear or per When / finally got him go with me sonal needs. He would tell me / was for counseling, one of them told him Every year, without fail, I journey too extravagant. / was counting pen that he was living back in the Victo cross-country to the East Coast. I go nies in my house and every other rian age somewhere. His ideas of there to touch spirits with my sister who night he was spending money on marriage and women were com lives and works in Boston. Our worlds good times. What a nightmare. pletely outdated. But it didn't do any are as far apart from each other in / was the Greek girl. But he treated good. He just wanted to change demension and womanspace as the me like / was dirt under his feet. The women he was with were inferior DETROIT GREEK HOUR OVER 30 YEARS ON THE AIR TRAVEL RADIO ST AnON WNZK 690 AM EKlIOMlIEE EABB. 3-4 j-l.j-l. KYP. J 2 j-l.j-l.-J j-l.j-lU1'lj-lp. APPOINTMENTS ME THN AAEEANAPA KAI KDITA KAPAKDITA ANAKOINfll:EIl: l:Al: l:E AnTAIl:TH Serving the travel management needs EAAHNIKH"'H Arr AIKH r Afll:l:A of the Metropoiitan New York Corpo KaAU1ttE\ ~\(i 1tEpUPEPE\Q 80 ~\A.irov yupro a1to to rate Community for over 15 years. Detroit Kal aKouYEtal Oto Michigan, Canada Kal Ohio. l:E ~\a 1tEPlOXt; 1tOU O\a~EVOUv 1tAEOV a1to EXPERIENCED TRAVEL PROFESSIONALS 100.000 uEA.A.'1vE~ . SAVE YOUR COMPANY UP TO 40% ON BUSINESS TRAVEL rPA" ATE H THAE.,nNH};ATE
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NOVEMBER, 1991 31 3,000 miles which divide us. She is a life out of what we whispered about marched to, when we were little girls lesbian. I am married, the mother of when we were growing up. For us. For and young women. It is the goosestep three children. She is a radical feminist women of her time and times future. which still locks up the minds and hearts an attorney, a firebrand for most of her of so many of my childhood friends, life, even in the days when I nurtured I am a writer, I am a musician, every men and women I grew up with. "Old her through babyhood. Her adoles bit as political as she, yet tempered in ways are the best ways." Old ways are cence was as pain-ridden to me as it my scope by the needs of my family, by the safe ways. Today's villager wears a could have been to any mother, and her my need for filling their needs. I struggle designer dress and diamonds on her fin growth into womanhood has been he to raise them free of the shackles. Two gers as she washes the same pot and experience of raising my first child. She daughters and a son, and a Greek-Boy pans for the church bazaar as did her is my child in every way, even though Man husband whose growth away from grandmother. The babushka is knotted she was borne by my mother. culturally imposed blindness, deafness tightly around her mind. She has dedicated her lawyering to and dumbness, whose bleakness of soul, Every year, the journey to her. Every women and to their causes, speaking, yet potential for goodness, has taxed the year a connection made, an affirmation writing, supporting, moving her way core of my own political being. I strug of each to the other. We are ex-Good through the jungle of male-centeral gle for chance on a different level than Greek-Girls. Leaving our birthplace has legal institutions pushing, pulling, giv she, change in relating to him not as been difficult, painful for both of us. ing birth with other women to law Good Greek Girl and Mama, but as The support we gave each other during reform, birth every bit as wrenching to Woman. Because I love him. I love all of the separations were bastions, outposts her body and mind as the births of my them, and will not surrender them pas for mutual refreshment, during the dark children have been to mine. Her very sively to the drummer out there who hours when we were certain that what spirit metamorphosed, she has trans beats incessantly into their souls the we left behind was perhaps preferable to lated into positive action, made a way of goodestep I marched to, my sister what we faced , alone and cut off from what we remembered as the warmth of a womb. When we connect, we remind our -TheKey selves, splach ourselves with the icy memories of those old days. We talk into the early morning hours, reliving togreel( the thrashings, both mental and physi cal, the silences, the emotional poverty of the ritual existence of our common past. We take each other's hands and hospitality! grip tightly, offering courage for the For any reason you come to Greece for business or vacations the coming year, yet another year of brea ELECTRA GROUP OF HOTELS are ideal for your stay. thing air instead of water, deep gulps of Two ELECTRA hotels in the heart of Athens and one in the center free air. And not a little smugly, we of Thessaloniki are designed to meet the demands of every business pride ourselves at having somehow man making on the other hand a business trip a relaxing pleasure. made it, having slogged through the In the beautiful greek islands, Rhodes and Crete, two First Class muddy marshlands of emotional sepa- ELECTRA hotels promise you unforgettable Vacations. The ELECTRA GROUP OF HOTELS invite you to share the key to Greek hospitality. EMOVIKO electra TVnOrPAdJEIO • Memos • BI13Aio • Personalized Napkins • nepI061toO • Ipoyi6e<; • Annual Reports Reservations can be either directly or through our representatives: • AUTOKoAAIlTO • ElllJ epi6e<; UTELL INTL 119 West 57th St., New York, NY 10019 Tel. (212) 245-7130 • EKTunwoEI<; Resume • KOTOAOYOI GOLDEN TULIP !4O East 63rd St., Lexington Ave., New York, NY 10021-7641 • l\euKWIJOTO Tel. (212) 8385022 • MOKETE<; • ~lo
32 GREEK-AMERICAN REVIEW ration, for having helped our mother to and away from falling into the abyss, party for herself. Since leaving home, follow us. For having forced every holding hands as we lead each other neither of us have had the good luck to Greek woman we knew back then to away from our mother's world, a world be with the other at special times. The re-examine. To think. To question. of keening, moaning women. Dealing timing was never quite right, the jobs with that world, with our decisions to interfered, the children were too young I journey alone. It is a pilgrimage I leave it, weaning each other away from we didn't have the money at that partic make free of the repsonsibilities of all it, is the cement which has sealed our ular period of life. This year we deter those who look to me as Mama. She friendship. It has kept us together, no mined that we sould celebrate her lives alone. In her apartment we light matter how far apart the distance that birthday together. Her excitement has candles in the night. By their light, we separates us. infused me. Waxing totally sentimental take stock, reviewing the events of the at the last hour departure, I have pur past year, noting what we have accomp We dream often of expanding the chased a fancy birthday cake, the kind I lished, what there is left to do, and support we gave and still give to each buy for my children. Chocolate, with where we must go, what goals we will set other. We fantazise a gathering, a huge gooey butter cream frosting, yellow for ourselves in the oming year. And we coming-together fo Greek women, old roses and butter cream greenery, to be wonder sometimes how we will find the and young, who travel to a meeting topped off with fat yellow candies. strength to do the work we have ground to join hands, embrace, dance Twenty-nine of them for my baby sister. assigned ourselves. What arrogance: and sing our grandmothers' songs, feel Reminiscent of our yaya's journey Greek women "assigning" themselves the beauty of our Greek womanculture across the ocean, I clutch the box with life work, life goals, which are not con free of the Greek man's glare, or his leer, the birthday cake in my lap, oblivious to nected in any way to church, home and not to speak of his rigid expectations of the worried glances of my fellow travel children. We ignore them, the incredible us as his servant. On that night we ers. Jars of sweet preserves and cro contradictions of our lives as we live would be nobody's mama but our own cheted doilies are what yaya brought them today. and each other's. I wave away the fan with her, and here now I repeat her We have spent hours, days and years tasy with a brush of my hand across my ritual of connection by bearing my ministering to each other, on the phone eyes at 35,000 feet. Enough for now that sweet birthday cake 3,000 miles away to in the cold dark of the night, when we two of us gather. a birthday celebration. are most afraid, pulling each other up This year she has planned a birthday More contradictions. Have I left,
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NOVEMBER, 1991 33 really? Do we, ever? No easy answers my-home-once-again murmurings in this side of her nor had I any reason to come. I only have a sense of being very my ear as we stroke each other's hair suspect that it existed. Or had I been comfortable with the idea of making the and smile into each other's eyes. When streotypically assuming all along that a association between myself and my we recover from the emotion of our Greek woman withouth a Greek man dead grandmother, of feeling kinship greeting, I come to slowly, and begin to would have no reason to go to such with her and my mother, and who I still absorb the sounds and smells of her elaborate lengths or preparation in cele am in many ways. Through them. party. bration of any but male rites of passage, Because of them. My struggle has been I cannot believe them. If I close my male commemorations and causes for to free myself from them and their eyes, I would be trasported to our child festivity? No, I think to myself. You burdens, yet what power they have had hood days, the days of summer Paner have not changed or grown enough. I in my life, that today I automatially gyria, lambs on the spit, fresh pita look around at the guests in this room bear sweet gifts in honor of festivity, in baking in the oven. I hear folk music and once more wonder. All women. A honor of one of my relatives. My own playing on her stereo, hear the sound of Greek Panegyri and the invited guests power over myself assures me that this c1arineds santouri, ancient lute, and are all women. Some are loving couples, gesture is an outgrowth of finally com drum. The smells are those of the feasts others just friends, some Greek I recog ing to terms with my Greekness. It is an our yaya and aunts spent days prepar nize, the rest from other places and cul expression of my culture which is totally ing for whenever our papou was to cele tures. I move through the crowd of female, deeply rooted and connecting brate his nameday, or the Feast of the typical party people, exchanging words me to Greek women of my past. Virgin (Tis Panagias) and at Easter and of introduction, making my way to the I have arrived. I am met by my sister's Christmas. I see stuffed grape leaves, opposite end of the room. I am again friends, who are amazed at the sight of lamb roast with little potatoes. There awed. She has taken out an old, old the cake box. And not a little envious of are stuffed peppers and tomatoes, fresh crocheted tablecloth, one which the love I have for her. The drive into baked bread, macaroni and meatpastit belonged to our maternal grandmother, town is full of animated chatter about sio. I smell oregano, fresh basil, olive and set the table in a corner of this room the elaborate party already in progress. oil, garlic, onions, and even Turkish with demitasse cups, with antique plates When we reach her apartment, she coffee. She has made homemade spin filled with Greek sweet things: koura throws open the door and I am ach pita rich with feta, green onions, biethes in little moon shapes, the coo assaulted, eveloped in her embrace. more butter and olive oil. kies we learned to make as little girls, Tight hugs, joyful tears, we1come-to- I wonder at it all. I have never seen which she has made herself for this evening's celebrations. I listen hard now, for the Greek men's SO NEW, SO ELEGANT, SO EXCITING voices, the only voices I am accustomed, conditioned to hear at these gatherings, deep bassos engrossed in political con versations or exchanges about each oth er's businesses. Women, only women, and no Greek spoken except among us who are Greek American, and then only in greeting each other. And we all come together tonight to dance, to laugh, to feast. A Greek woman has brought us to her home, prepared the same sumptu ous banquet for all of us that we have known of and participated in since girlhood. A new, unparalled establishment under one roof! Three Star Rating••• in the N.Y. Times A 24-HOUR DINER andCATERING Breakfast, Lunch, Dinner, Late Night
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34 GREEK-AMERICAN REVIEW But there are no men here. And the sound of yaya's voice. She is shaking her Tonight they lift up their heavy skirts, women are the party, not in the kit bony finger at us, exhorting us to mod tie them up around their waists not so chens, or bustling about with trays of est behavior. Not too high, women they can be free to do the laundry, but cognac serving this or that to the guests never kick their feet so high. A shame free to dance, free to kick up their legs, who do not see them. We are not here to for us to leap into the air. Only the man stomp, shout, sway, sweat, and laugh. celebrate his saint's day, or his God's dances like tht. Here, like this. Move Loud, deep, raucous, hysterical, joyous birthday, or his God's son's resurrection that body in small motions, watch not laughter. or birth. We are here to celebrate the to lift up your head. And your eyes. A circle, we dance, my baby sister and birth of a woman. We celebrate her Always keep you eyes to the ground, I, and full circle is where we have come. existence, we celebrate her life, we clink like modest women. We have moved away, she to the outer glasses of wine and shout "yasou" to Joyous madness tonight, because we most limits, ~he utmost extreme separa her: a toast to her longevity, a toast to laugh now at the memory of her ancient tion from the archpatriarchy we grew her health, wishes from her good friends voice. We laugh at ourselves in nervous up in, I close behind her. Moved away in for her continued health and good for memory of the power she held over us, some sadness, only to find that at the tune. Na ta katostisil May she lives a power which we have taken back, are other end, what we loved and still love hundred years! May she enjoy the good still gathering close to us, power we most about our Greekness, the rich things life offers, may she be strong have given to ourselves over the years. milieu we came from, is not back there, enough to endure the bad, may she We dance in celebration of our journey, but inside ourselves and in every Greek prosper. May she be happy always in our long hard journey over the abyss to woman alive today. Our rejection of the the company of her compatriots. where we dance now, on the other side. male control which we determined to Ova. Yasoul Dance to her health. escape has not separated us from Greek The music is turned up loud, and we Round and round the circle. Dancing culture, only from its men. The culture Greek women call the others to the with us our mothers, our aunts, or girl does now, and always will belongto us, dance. Joining hands in the familiar cir cousins, our yayas, their dead yayas, Greek women. cle, spurred on by the hypnotic melodies because tonight they are all with us. AXJON ESTJ of th clarinet, the incessant beating of the drum, we follow the steps of the leader of the circle, our guest of honor, as she dances round and round the room, over and over the familiar patt Blue Dawn ern of steps. She holds a large white handkerchief in one hand, the free hand with which she propels us forward, wav D iner-R estaurant ing the dancers on as she weaves the 1860 VETERANS HIGHWAY, CENTRAL ISLIP, N.Y. 11722 intricately improvised steps of the TEL. (516) 234-6001 ij (516) 348-9708 leader of the circle. Back and forth, up OAHnE~: Exit 57 ow OEU'tEPO '.. ;a; .. ;a; •• ;a; ••;a; ••;a; .. ;a; .. ;a; .. ;a; •• ;a; •• ;a; •• ;a;. •.... ~ .. ;a; .. ;a;··;a; .. ;a;··;a; .. ;a; .. ;a;.. ;a;··;a;··;a;··;a; .. ;a; .. ;a;··I··I .. I .. I··I··I.. I ..ij··I·'I··I-:t"I:::"::J.::":~ ~.. !I! •• !I!,,!I! .. :.. .. !I! .. !I! .. !I! .. !I! .. !I!,,~.!I!t.er.,,:r.,,:r. .. !I!.:r .. ,:r.""A.:r.... :r... :r ... !I'!.,:r...:r ... ~ ...... •" ...... " ... u ..."oo .-.t ••t •••••••••.•tf...... Mia OJ..lOp EAA11ViKr7 KQI 6IEeVr7~ EAAIlVIKrlllOUOIKrl Kov({va T phil - KUPIOKrl • Priuate Banquet Room TOI\HL NOYLIAL nlovo • Saturday & Sunday Brunch 11:30 am . 3:30 pm XPHLTOL XATZOY 6HL 33 West 64th Street, New York, NY 10023 Mnou(olJKI (Opposite Lincoln Center) • Lunch, Dinner & After Performance 212-724-0103-4 Open 11:30 am - 4:00 am NOVEMBER, 1991 35