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Stepping Stones to Success

Insight Publishing

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All rights reserved. No part of this ebook may be reproduced in any form or by any means without prior written permission from the publisher except for brief quotations embodied in critical essay, article or review. These articles and/or review must state the correct title and contributing authors of this book by name.

Disclaimer: This book is a compilation of ideas from numerous experts who have each contributed a chapter. As such, the views expressed in each chapter are those who were interviewed and not necessarily of the interviewer or Insight Publishing

A Message from the Publisher

There are many things I’ve come to understand throughout the many years I have been in this business. I’ve learned that it’s never too late to grow and learn, to change course, to expand perspectives, and to admit I don’t know everything. Because I know it’s important to learn from the experience of others, I reached out to many experts when putting this book project together and I gained some valuable information from them. The people I talked with have presented some insights that will expand your horizons and make you realize that you can be the key to your own success. This book, Stepping Stones to Success, is your golden opportunity to profit from the knowledge of others. It will give you the facts you need to make important decisions about your future. Interviewing these fascinating people was a unique learning experience for me. And I assure you that reading this book will be an exceptional learning experience for you.

Interviews Conducted by: David E. Wright, President International Speakers Network

Chapter One – Understanding the Personality Type A Key to Business Success Angeline Vanessa Teo -

DAVID WRIGHT (WRIGHT) Today I’m speaking with Angeline Vanessa Teo, Founder and Principal Consultant of d’Oz International, a professional learning and development solutions provider based in Singapore. She is the Managing Director and Master PEP Consultant of PEPWorldwide (Asia) Pte. Ltd., delivering the world-renowned Personal Efficiency Program (PEP). She has acquired a wealth of experience through coaching senior executives, working with diverse cultures, and managing collaborations with multinational organizations and government institutions in Asia Pacific, and Europe. She is also a Certified Coach with WorkLife Asia. Angeline’s success at helping individuals achieve their life goals and organizations to improve on efficiency levels at the same time, has made her a regular contributor and feature on various major print and broadcast media. Angeline, welcome to Stepping Stones to Success. You are often referred as a “Workplace Doctor,” what inspired you to become one? Would you share with us your beginnings?

ANGELINE V. TEO (TEO) Hello, David. Thank you very much for inviting me. This is indeed a big hat to fill. I think I was referred to as a “Workplace Doctor” because I have “cured” thousands of individuals, helping them to get back on their feet again, and to regain control of their work and life. Often my clients would address me as such. Frankly, what I have been doing is to “prescribe” practical work solutions, just as a doctor would “prescribe” medications to his or her patients after diagnosis. Today’s executives are constantly racing with time to deal with multiple projects, having to meet with tight deadlines, to answer the insurmountable e-mails, and the many meetings they must attend. They become overwhelmed with the increasing workload. Most often, they are also stressed about health, financial, and personal issues, perhaps not knowing how to get out of the frustration of “urgency addiction” imposed on them by their bosses and their peers as well. Executives who are serious about wanting to improve their status quo conditions will take the necessary actions after each coaching session. They will conscientiously attempt the “behavioral change process” and apply the tools that we use to help them stay in control, shifting them from being an average performer to a high performer in two months! Seeing how each one of them can regain control of their work and their lives has given me an immense drive to continue pursuing what I am doing, as well as the great desire of wanting to reach out to more people who need help. I came from humble beginnings. It was an adventurous journey, especially in the first three years. I started taking my first step into the entrepreneurial journey with $100,000 from my savings and truthfully, I was oblivious to the massive challenges ahead! I did what most would do—“go into something you are familiar with.” I stepped into Tourism Consulting, where I thought I would have an edge, considering my qualifications, knowledge, and invaluable experience in this industry for almost twenty years. Also, I had a vast international network, which I had built over the years that gave me a good head start, especially with the encouragements I received from industry friends before I decided to leap off on my own. I was extremely confident! I have “been there, done that” and everything should work out very well, I thought. I was wrong on this step. It was cruel. The reality is once you leave your industry and have stripped off your fancy title, you become a “nobody.” Fortunately, I very quickly realized that seeking business help from industry friends would be difficult. Though many of them would stand by me, they do have constraints at extending a helping hand. The odds were against me when the world went into a massive recession from 2002, the terrorism scare with the 9/11 incident, Bali bombing attacks, and natural disasters such as tsunamis and earthquakes. These calamities indeed affected tourism globally. I was forced to take another look at my positioning strategies. The opportunity to venture into the education arena opened its door in late 2002. With the proposal in hand, my spouse and I managed to convince investors to support an education franchise to operate a school in China. We thought that this must be a God-send, since we were searching for a viable business model. We were wrong about this step, too. It almost crippled us. The reality was that the franchise operator was not experienced and we did not succeed at securing our education license, despite our strong connections in China. We were forced to abandon the project with a negative variance of more than $350,000 hanging over our heads. By now, we were still very interested in the education industry and we were searching for the right partner to make it happen. We then boldly embarked on another school project in Vietnam. We operated a computer school for a couple of years, only to sell it off, fortunately, without any losses. The tide took a positive turn to our advantage in 2004—we got smarter perhaps. We rode through the currents and we gained valuable experiences. Instead of focusing on what was lost and what was not achieved, we shifted our energy to positivity, keeping the end in mind. We repositioned our business strategies and started focusing our attention on corporations instead. Doing this opened up more doors with more options to greater opportunities. I challenged myself to pick up new knowledge, learn new skills, invest in personal development, and received coaching and mentoring by gurus. I was prepared to work hard, very hard! And I did. My vision is to be “The Best People Developer Internationally.” My mission is to help individuals and organizations to achieve personal and business excellence through our personal development, coaching, and consultancy programs. Today, I dedicate a lot of my time to coaching executives to achieve happiness, to stay in control of their work and time, to peak their performance, to enjoy living, and to savor the fruits of their labor.

WRIGHT With your years of experience as a Master Coach for the Personal Efficiency Program (PEP), I’m sure you are familiar with the challenges many of our executives are facing. How is this program helping them achieve a work-life balance?

TEO Tony D’Arcy had personally convinced me to take on the partnership with PEPWorldwide to bring the Personal Efficiency Program (PEP) to Asia in 2004. It has been one of the most fulfilling journeys in all the years after I set up PEPWorldwide Asia in Singapore. I have witnessed transformation, positive changes, and feedback from thousands of executives who have been through PEP. (Globally, more than one and a half million executives have been through PEP!) After attending PEP, Executives became happier, they had reduced stress levels, and found new and better ways of staying in control of their work. Mr. Jan Holm, Managing Director of Maersk Drilling Singapore, Mr. Peter Smidt-Neilsen, General Director of Maersk Vietnam Ltd, Ms. Christina Lim, Head of Corporate Communications, Asia Pacific, B. Braun, and Mr. Adrian Collier, Head of BT at Pfizer China, are some of the many beneficiaries of PEP. They have personally benefitted from PEP, which has helped them stay in control of their work, improved their time management skills, reduced their stress levels, and helped them achieve work-life harmony. They are visionary leaders who believed in building a high performance organization and creating a culture of respect and efficiency within the workplace. They went ahead to challenge the status quo by putting their teams through PEP. The organizations that have invested in their teams for PEP, registered positive returns on their investments with increased productivity levels, reduced absenteeism and, essentially, resulted in a happier workforce and workplace!

WRIGHT How does this work? It just sounds too good to be true.

TEO The fact is that many people have been through universities to graduate from their course of interest such as Psychology, Biology, Engineering, Management, or Banking, etc. They then get thrown into the workforce with the paper qualifications they have earned and they are expected to show results. How many of them struggled through the years trying to manage the work they were assigned, not to mention the increasing demands of more work with fewer resources, more work with less time, and more challenges with no knowledge of how to deal with them effectively? How many managers can really put their finger on finding time to mentor and coach their subordinates and colleagues? Not to mention that the former are most probably struggling to find time to accomplish their personal priorities, with increasing e-mails and workload hovering over their heads. How many leaders have put their people through a formal how-to-work program then? Or perhaps it is expected that new employees should know how to get started, or “just learn on the job, or if they are lucky, work with their supervisor or manager who will mentor them. Well, is that really good enough? Do they really know how to deal with an overwhelming amount of information overtaking us, including e-mails, paperwork, projects, deadlines, meetings, and business travel? The effectiveness of this program is based on a set of proven principles and practical methodology. It’s a combination of workshops and coaching sessions to ensure that individuals gain the knowledge and, importantly, can apply the tools. Through our one-on-one coaching sessions, we can customize the learning experience. We also pace the delivery over a couple of months to allow individuals to implement, reflect, and experience the behavioral changes. They learn how to stay in control and to stay focus. Once they have learned how to take back control of the work and be the master instead of the slave, the outcome will be most rewarding.

WRIGHT Will you share with us how looking back at your past helped you gain success?

TEO Personally, I advocate the notion of moving forward and not looking back. Nevertheless, everyone has a past, and the past is where our experience is built upon. We owe it to our past to help us move forward to the future. We often feel compelled to share that we have been there, done that. But in reality, have we really had enough of experiences? The experiences I have shared earlier on how I began my journey gave me insights to a new perspective on life, work, and the world at large. It helped me to penetrate the industries I have never dared dream about previously. My experiences gave me the strength, expanded my knowledge, and gave me depth. It drove me forward and challenged me to go into new territories. It helped me grow as a person and gave me the purpose to pursue my passion. It encouraged me to share my skills and transfer my knowledge to others. Now, is that enough? I will often question myself, “Have I really been there and done that?” I continue to crave more. I want to leave a legacy so that my past is not passé. It is the future for the people and friends whom. I will meet along this journey.

WRIGHT What advice can you give readers who have become prisoners of their past—those who refuse to look back because of an unfortunate event, a regret, a failure, or a mistake?

TEO It is easy to get trapped in the past if one chooses not to let go of it. This is known as the denial phase where people still feel that they must hold on to the past because they think it would be foolish to let it go. Well, don’t get me wrong. Letting go does not equate to forgetting it totally. It is merely to set it aside and not allow any negative thoughts and feelings affect us adversely as we carry on with life’s journey. Once we have encountered an event, or are in a situation that could affect our emotional state of mind or our physical condition, we will be impacted by the experience. This might haunt us, if left untreated or unresolved. If I had dwelled on my past experiences, which some might call failures, I would have been a wreck by now! Instead, I call them my “steppingstones to success.” Each trial can drain hope but I refill my heart with hope so that I can rise up again. I looked at each event, situation, and experience from many different perspectives. Instead of my choosing to spiral downward, leading to frustration, anger, fear, pain, sadness, or maybe even depression, I would consciously choose to focus on converting the negative emotions and stay positively active and motivated by using the energy within to recharge and seek solutions for a better tomorrow and possibly a brighter future. For those who complain that they have no shoes to wear, look at those who have no feet to put them on. For those who fear failure, think of those who have never had a chance to experience and be strengthened by it.

WRIGHT How can we use our pain to achieve great success?

TEO It just does not sound right when you say, “use pain to achieve great success.” It sounds so archaic and perhaps sadistic, too. I would say that everyone has a different threshold for pain. The definition of pain differs among individuals. While some see pain as a “reminder” of a consequence for a wrong action or decision made, others see pain as a challenge to build their strength, character, and resilience. Do you know that it involves incredibly intricate metalwork skills, a careful heat-treating process, and a lot of hard work to create a sword? The piece of metal must be carefully selected, it must go through a number of strong heating processes to melt the metal, it must be under the hammer many times to mold it into shape, then back to the fireplace, out from the fire, and back to being hit again and again, until the character of the sword is formed to the crafter’s satisfaction. Similarly, we perhaps would strengthen our character based on how many times we went through the heating process, and how many times we had been hammered in the past. If we can withstand all this pain, we can emerge as winners, each in our own way.

WRIGHT People who are prisoners of their past live in their comfort zone. Their life is limited to the confines of this circle for fear of rejection, disappointment, or failure. But the problem is that all success is found outside the little circle. Will you give us some steps in order to move up to our courage zone?

TEO Rebecca was jobless for more than two years. She had a good university degree, and she had always been getting what she wanted at home and at work. For five years she had been a high- flyer at her organization as a financial analyst, but she lost her job two years ago when the organization restructured and she had to be retrenched. Obviously, Rebecca did not see that coming and it was a rude awakening for her. She was very ashamed to have lost her job, and since then, she confined herself to the four walls of her house, refusing to meet with friends or go out to socialize. She had set a barrier to outside opportunities. She had convinced herself that she was not good enough. She drove herself into the fear zone. The comfort zone was there to justify her actions of not searching for another job for fear of rejections. This is a typical scenario, and it is becoming more rampant now with the younger generation, especially when they are comforted by their parents supporting them, even if they choose not to look for another job. I guess this is more prevalent in Asia where parents tend to be more protective of their children. If you were Rebecca, what would you do to get the courage to move on? In another scenario are Julie and Lan, both my business development staff members, now based in Singapore. Julie is from the Philippines, and Lan is from Vietnam. They are both young, in their twenties, talented, and ambitious. When they first decided to explore beyond their shores to work overseas, were they fearful of the unknown? Yes, of course they were. Were they apprehensive and wondered if they could succeed outside their comfort zone—their hometown? Yes, I am sure they were. If both of them had dwelled in the fear zone for too long, it would have paralyzed them, and nothing would have taken place. However, they took courage, learned to overcome their fear, decided to move out of their comfort zone into the courage zone, and finally flew to Singapore, for the first time, and to look for a job. Bear in mind, they had never been to Singapore before! Their determination, perseverance, and each of them taking positive actions helped them to secure a job with d’Oz International in Singapore. Some simple guidelines that can help you transfer from Fear to Courage, from being Comfortable to become more Courageous:

* Talk yourself into believing, “I Can, I Must, and I Will.” * Take baby steps to learn something new and to regain your self-esteem. * Socialize and expand your network. It will help you increase your visibility in the market. * Explore a new destination to increase the sense of adventure, seeking to learn as you travel. * Participate in team games to drive up the adrenalin and bring out the competitiveness in you * Face your FEAR (see the acronym below). Start a conversation with people you don’t know and challenge yourself. * Seek help from professional counselors, and/or work with a coach. * Practice makes perfect. Do it once, do it twice, and continue to do it repeatedly.

FEAR is an acronym meaning False Evidence Appearing Real. It’s all in our minds. The choice is yours to remain in the state of FEAR or go beyond the status quo and fight it! I have succeeded more because I have failed more than I thought I would. I took the risk, and I was prepared to lose only to try it again and again.

WRIGHT The road to success isn’t a straight road. It has many twists, turns, zigzags, and lots of detours. How can a detour bring us to a bigger dream?

TEO If every road were straight, it would be boring. If you had gone on a journey and there were no stops to allow you to take a rest, you would be exhausted. Take every detour as a chance to have an exciting experience, an opportunity to enjoy the scenery, to take a rest, to reflect, and to plan for the next step ahead. Celebrate every milestone, with the sight of the end in mind. Right now you may be experiencing a difficult life. Maybe you are not happy with your job. Or your family is falling apart. Or the person you thought was Mr. or Ms. Right has broken your heart. Or your financial security is not that strong. Or your parents are sick. Whatever the reason might be, you just feel so tired. You may have reached a roadblock. You may feel like nothing is going right in your life, now. Stop for a moment. Make a detour. Give yourself the deserved opportunity to reflect on your desired destiny. Could it be that you are working for the wrong company in a wrong industry? Could it be that you have invested so much love in the wrong person? Or maybe you are doing business with the wrong people, wrong market, and with the wrong strategy? Could it be that you have neglected your family while you were so busy building your career? Take every U-turn as an opportunity to grasp a second chance of making a change. Though sometimes you might cross the same path twice, or step on the same stone previously tripped on, you now would be more aware of the possible obstacles. Or perhaps, you may decide to stay a little longer to enjoy the journey. I enjoy traveling to at least one new destination per year. Nevertheless, I will still visit a few destinations many times year after year. A part of me feels comforted with familiar surroundings, and the explorer in me drives the curiosity I have within. I am always in search of new adventures and I seek fresh experiences to add to my collection. I no longer exclaim that I have been there, done that. Instead, I am eager to explore new experiences my destination has to offer, even though I might have been there previously. It might bring out something more interesting—something more intriguing. Do not focus on the detours that might ruin your dream. Take action to make that big dream come true, one step at a time, and enjoy the journey in between.

WRIGHT According to Harvey MacKay, “Failures don’t plan to fail, they fail to plan.” Will you give us some tips and advice on why we need to plan and how to plan to achieve success in life?

TEO A farmer never stops planting seeds, fertilizing, plowing, and harvesting. However, to ensure that the harvest is good, the farmer must carefully plan first ahead of time. He or she has to decide on the right piece of land, the right soil texture, that the right fertilizers are provided. He or she must plant the seeds under appropriate weather conditions. The farmer patiently takes care of each growing phase for the crop to grow healthy, and to look forward to a rich harvest. It is also expected that some seeds may not grow or wither and die along the way. Therefore, it is also important to have a contingency plan in order to prepare for an expected turn of events. Some may be within our control, while some may be what is termed an “Act of God” and not within our control. Nevertheless, research by Covey Institute has shown that high performing individuals spend between 65 percent and 80 percent of their time planning. Planning will reduce the chances of rework and mistakes. It provides clarity on our directions, where we are heading, and helps us to stay prepared for any challenges. Many seeds have been planted along the way. The most important must be that of nurturing my children and playing the role of a mother. Other seeds that sprouted along the way include: building my business, expanding my global network, and investing in my personal pursuit to enhance my knowledge—in essence, to improve the quality of my life. A lot of time has indeed been spent on planning to achieve my objectives and the vision I have for each of those seeds. The old adage, “If you fail to plan, you plan to fail,” is truth for people who often wonder why they have been working so hard and are still not making a breakthrough in their lives. They are stuck in a rut, running the treadmill day after day without incorporating in their plans their committed actions to improve their personal growth, to save for rainy days, to take that dream holiday, or to plan for their retirement. Active Planning requires:

Positive attitude and the belief in planning Listing the objectives of each plan and the timeline to achieve each milestone. Action speaks louder. A plan is as good as a piece of waste paper if nothing is done. Never give yourself excuses to push off your plans. Nothing works if no effort is lifted.

WRIGHT Do you believe that in order to be successful one must possess the qualities of a quitter? And why?

TEO No one would like to be known as a “quitter’! I think what you meant here as a “quitter” would be someone who decides to “give up” on something that either does not interest him or her, or perhaps nothing can be done to restore the confidence level. There are two schools of thought I would like to share.

1. Quit if you must, if the baggage is too heavy. Choose to take on a lighter one, and move on. Do not let the load cripple you. 2. Quit you definitely cannot, in some circumstances.

If that is the case, consider finding a new way to reach your destination or change its course. You can experiment with various ways or another path in fulfilling your dreams or eradicating your problems—until you have found the right one. There is an old Chinese saying, “Don’t bang your head against the wall, lest you bleed to death. There is no shame at all if you choose to change or quit from something, which drives you nuts! The Art of War, written by Sun Tzu, encouraged us to, “Withdraw if the enemy is overpowering. Live to come back and to fight another day.” So quitters are not losers. They are sometimes Smarter than the Bulldozers. Don’t quit on your purpose. Learn about how to quit, when to quit, what to quit, where to quit, and/or find a better option that will work for you. “Quit” as the last option perhaps. What do you do when your best plans don’t happen?

* Review. Review your goals and objectives. Are they clearly defined? * Reflect. Reflect on what went well, what went wrong, and what can be improved further. * Rework. Analyze the existing processes and consider the options available. * Replan. Reconsider the strategies, identify the gaps, possible obstacles, and then put them in place. Set contingency plans. * Reposition. Where do you want to go from here on? How far are you from reaching the finishing line? Any detours to consider? * Review. Act on each milestone before advancing further. * Recharge. Rejuvenate to keep your persistency levels high. This is very important when the going gets rough sometimes.

WRIGHT You have mentioned about the difficulties people experience when they travel in the entrepreneurial world. What is that one thing that keeps you going?

TEO Most quintessential entrepreneurs will concur that the propensity to increase their personal net-worth, enhancing their status that keeps them going on despite the difficulties faced. Other driving forces may include having the freedom to manage the business; the opportunity to be a boss; to take on a personal challenge to excel in life; to fulfill a dream; or a mere self-actualization goal. What’s mine then? It may sound very unconventional to most people, and indeed, for me, the one biggest motivator is the passion to fulfill my purpose in life’s journey. After many years of soul searching, I have realized that what really makes me happy is when I have the ability within my means to make a difference with the skills and knowledge I have to help others. I also enjoy doing this. To see the joy in others’ eyes makes me really happy. Probably, that keeps me going on. It is most comforting to see that even my children have benefitted from my course of work. It has also helped me to achieve the work-life harmony, having quality time spent with my family, while enjoying my work as well. It adds meaning to my life with a purpose to carry on despite the challenges faced during the entrepreneurial journey, knowing that I can make a difference in someone else’s life. Though I may not have conquered the world at large, I have made a difference in people’s life, one at a time.

WRIGHT What is that one value that is important in your life?

TEO There are so many important values in life that have helped me become who I am today. Nevertheless, I think one most crucial value must be that of gratitude. I am very grateful to God for walking by my side each day, sharing laughter, comforting me in sadness, encouraging me during difficult moments, and showering me with invaluable life experiences. I count my blessings every day. I pray and thank God for all the good fortune and success I have experienced and for allowing me to share them with others. We all know that “success is relative”—it is different to everybody at different times in our lives. Gratitude taught me to be appreciative of the wonderful people who come into my life. Globally, I have tens of thousands of friends, relatives, business associates, partners, and colleagues who have shared the journey of my life, one way or another. The list would probably be a mile long if I were to write down all of them. However, I want to take this opportunity to show gratitude to those who have been a part of my life all these years. My parents brought me up to be who I am today. I am grateful, for they have given me their love, care, support, and values, and have provided me with the opportunity to be educated. I thank them for being wonderful grandparents to my children. My spouse is my soulmate. We stand by each other in good times and in bad. We share many happy times together, and we walk hand-in-hand to build our home and our lives together. Our children give me the joy of motherhood. They are my inspiration and my motivator. Watching them grow as responsible adults and be successful in their life is my wish. They help make my life complete. I am so grateful for the blessing of having a beautiful and loving family. My domestic helper, Erlinda A. Patacsil, has served my family for more than nineteen years! I am very grateful that she took great effort to keep my home clean and comfortable and to cook nutritious and delicious meals for us. With her help I was able to focus on developing my career and spend more time with my children. She will always be a part of our family. I am thankful for the teams at d’Oz International and PEPWorldwide Asia. They worked hard to keep the organizations’ flag flying high and our clients served with the highest standards. They are the pillars to the companies’ successes. I also would like to dedicate a special thank you to some of my good friends who stood by me all these years. Some of us go way back thirty to forty years together! I say, “thank you” to all of them. They have all contributed to my personal development and growth. They have added spice to my experiences and helped me to cherish each waking moment. I would say that my life is adventurous, interesting, memorable, fulfilling, and successful. I am most grateful.

WRIGHT What is your pattern for success?

TEO Firstly, I believe that in order to be successful, one has to exude a deep passion in doing what they love and to be honest in their delivery. Secondly, to share as though you have an abundance to give and to learn as though you know nothing at all. Helen Steiner Rice wrote in one of her words of wisdom quotes, “Pray for a purpose to make life worth living. And pray for the joy of unselfish giving.” Lastly, I like to borrow a famous phrase from the late Steve Jobs during a speech to Stanford University graduates. He said, “Stay foolish. Stay hungry.” And I absolutely agree with him. It is only when we “stay foolish” that we are open to learn new things and remove the shield of “I know it all” arrogance. Only when we “stay hungry” will we continue to work hard and not be complacent. I think these are the fundamental ingredients for success.

About the Author

Angeline V. Teo is often referred to as a “Workplace Doctor” because of her advocacy in helping senior executives around the world ranging from SMEs to MNCs to private individuals to government organizations across different industries in the global arena to improve on their work performance and to excel in their roles. She believes in the importance of the Staying Positively Active and Motivated (SPAM) formula to achieve happiness in life. Throughout her years of personal and group coaching of global leaders and executives, she has gained invaluable knowledge and perspective of life at the workplace. She shares more than twenty-five years of experience in the areas of leadership, management, sales, marketing, distribution, E-commerce, people development, business, consultancy, and coaching. Angeline has co-authored with Steven Covey, Ken Blanchard, and Brian Tracy in Discover your Inner Strength, and she is also one of America’s Top 10 Performance Experts in the book, Extreme Excellence. She upholds the importance of striking a balance between work and life and that is why she’s able to manage being a professional international speaker, executive coach, a workplace expert, an entrepreneur, a mother, a wife and an ambassador in continuous learning.

ANGELINE VANESSA TEO d’Oz International Pte Ltd www.d-oz.com PEPWorldwide (Asia) Pte. Ltd. www.pepworldwideasia.com

Chapter Two – A Life Without Regrets…Now That’s Success! Lynn & Melanie Robinson -

DAVID WRIGHT (WRIGHT) Today I’m talking with Lynn and Melanie Robinson. They are a dynamic mother-daughter team who have been working successfully together for many years. They have a unique relationship and are very aligned in the way they view life, and they love working together. They are committed to helping people move through their challenges and create the life they want. They are human transformational experts, helping people both personally and professionally to achieve their dreams and desires. They offer their expertise in a variety of ways including corporate training, speaking, general public workshops, and private intimate sessions. Not only are they passionate about teaching this to others, but they also have had many opportunities through their own personal challenges to live what they teach. Lynn, Melanie Robinson, welcome to Stepping Stones to Success.

LYNN ROBINSON (LYNN) Thank you; it’s a pleasure to be here.

MELANIE ROBINSON (MELANIE) Thank you; it’s great to be here.

WRIGHT Right in the beginning, we’re going to talk about A Life Without Regrets and Now That’s Success. How would you define success?

MELANIE AND LYNN Most people define their success in terms of their status in life, how much money they make, and material possessions. For us, success is about living a happy life. Happiness is an inside job, regardless of what you have. It’s about getting to the end of your life and feeling good about the choices you made, knowing you have lived a life without regrets. Sometimes we only look at the big choices we make when the truth is, every choice we make throughout our day affects our happiness. Are you choosing to focus on what you cherish in your life and what’s working, or on what’s missing in your life? What you focus on will determine whether you live a life of “if—” or “when—” and waiting to be happy or if you are happy now. We hear all the time that life is precious, life is a gift, and to live in the moment. Often we skirt past these sayings and then don’t live our lives as if the sayings are true. But the truth is, we don’t know how many days we have here on Earth. We may have many and we may have few, which means that it’s important to make every day count. Often we look at the future and strive for more and better, and completely miss the things that could bring us happiness today. Happiness is not future based—it’s what you feel in the moment. Unless you have a deep desire to be happy in the moment, it will forever elude you because the future never comes. Another reason happiness eludes people is because they are measuring their success by external sources such as their friends, business colleagues, or the guy next door—always trying to keep up with the Jones’. We’re also heavily influenced by the media, society, and advertising. It’s not easy to bypass this unless you have a clear sense of self. You need to know who you are and what you stand for. Once you have that clarity, it will be much easier to sift through external influences and make choices that move you to a successful life, whatever that means to you. If you’re using someone else’s definition of success without making sure it is aligned with who you are, it can be very disheartening and no matter how much you achieve, you’ll always feel something is missing. This becomes a cycle that many people are currently experiencing. The cycle of achieving more creates a temporary feeling of success. This feeling ultimately fades with time, leaving you wanting more, achieving more, and feeling unfulfilled in spite of it. As long as you are measuring your success and happiness by external achievements, it can be taken away from you at any given moment. It takes courage and inner strength to follow your path to success and happiness when it doesn’t align with the people around you. But if you’re willing to do this, the reward is immeasurable. It allows you to take control of your life, taking it out of the hands of others and putting it back where it belongs—with you. It’s a very powerful place to be.

WRIGHT Sometimes things happen that we have no control over. How do you deal with that?

MELANIE AND LYNN That’s a good question. There are definitely those times in life when something completely unexpected happens such as financial, career, or relationship challenges. Those are the times when it’s even more important to realize that we are not necessarily in control of what happens to us, but we do have control of how we respond to it. There are many examples of amazing people who have overcome challenges that most of us can’t imagine overcoming. And then there are other people, when faced with the same challenge, completely fall apart. These are the times that shape our character and show us who we are and what we stand for. It’s easy to be happy and to hold the belief that we are in control of our life when life is good, but the challenge is to do that even when life isn’t good. We’ve been conditioned to believe that if we are a good person, nothing bad is going to happen to us. This is not true. Life is filled with challenges, and it has nothing to do with whether we are good or bad. Life is a process of evolution and growth. We learn through life experiences. We have the choice to pull out the positive learning from the experience or to focus on the negative aspects of the experience. Both are true, but what we focus on will determine how we feel about our life. Some of these challenges will take time to heal, and we aren’t suggesting for one moment that you wake up the next day from your life having fallen apart and simply focus on the positive. That is not realistic. We are emotional, feeling human beings. But the important thing to note is that there comes a time when staying in this emotional state no longer serves us. It is time to heal it, let it go, and move forward. As we said before, you can’t control what happens to you; the only thing you can control is how you respond to it. There is always a choice. We are not saying it’s easy, but it goes back to what we said earlier: are you committed to living a happy, successful life? And if you are, how can you achieve that in spite of this experience?

WRIGHT I do know that both of you have had your own personal challenges. Will you tell our readers a little bit more about that?

LYNN Yes, David, I have definitely had my challenges throughout the years. I’ve had personal challenges and business challenges. I would say one of the most devastating was just after I had Melanie. My husband decided he wanted to start a new life on his own when one of our children was only three years old and the other was six months. I didn’t know how I was going to carry on, but somehow I did, and I have wonderful memories of being a single mom. I am so proud of my children and who they have become. The most frightening time for me was in 2006 when I was diagnosed with breast cancer for the second time. It came as a huge shock, as I had only gone to the doctor for a regular check-up. I wouldn’t have even gone if Melanie hadn’t insisted because of my past experience with cancer. Just before that, my business was flourishing, my husband and I were traveling a lot, but I was probably maxed out even though I didn’t realize it at the time. The thing that pulled me through was family. It was my deep desire to live a long life with my husband and my children, to see my grandchildren grow up, and to meet my great- grandchildren. That vision kept me going. There wasn’t a day that went by when I didn’t focus on my vision and on being totally healthy. At first, I didn’t know what to do in terms of my healing process. Although I do have respect for Western medicine, I’ve spent the last twenty years teaching people about the power of the mind and the mind-body connection. I felt I couldn’t stand up in front of an audience teaching this if I didn’t use the skills I have and teach about to heal my own body. I felt this was the ultimate test to see if I really believed in what I was teaching. I could hear a voice inside my head saying, “Well, you say you believe this, so let’s see if you really do.” On one level, I felt I had no choice because I had to make my decision based on my values, beliefs, and what I stand for. I made a decision that I was going to heal my body. One of the first things I did was change the meaning of the phrase “cancer equals death.” Once that was gone, I created a daily routine of mental practices. This included: keeping my vision front and center of my mind, meditating, and listening to my healing CD called The Secret Garden (I now offer this free on our website, www.LifeWithoutRegrets.ca). I also listened to many other healing CDs to inundate my mind with positive suggestions of healing and health. I changed my diet. Once that decision was made, nothing got in the way of my healing routine. The wonderful thing was that I had the full support of my doctor because he trusted my judgment and knew about my work with the mind. Within three months, my body was totally healthy. I continue to monitor my health and I am still totally healthy today. I truly believe that this was a spiritual experience because of the inner strength I had to draw on; I don’t believe I could have grown to this degree without this experience. I am now more certain of who I am and what’s important in my life. I am content with my life, even though I still have goals. I cherish every moment and am most grateful for my life and my family.

MELANIE I have also faced challenges in my life, some big and some smaller. But the biggest challenge I have ever faced was when my marriage of eight years came to an abrupt and unexpected end. In one moment my world came crashing down. My husband announced the morning after an argument that our marriage was over. No conversations leading up to it. Not open to counseling. No discussions. It was over. Period. It was absolutely devastating. I had a nine-month-old and a three-year-old. It was also the time when my mom was healing her body from cancer. Shortly after the first blow, I learned that my husband had entered a relationship with our tenant, the single mom downstairs. He also refused to be the one to leave the family home, and I was advised by my lawyer that I could leave, but not with my girls until a judge would outline our visitation and custody arrangements. And this took seven months. So, we spent the next seven months living in our matrimonial home together—my girls, my ex-husband, his girlfriend and her two children, and me. It was a very difficult seven months to say the least. It’s not something I think about very often, by choice. The things that happened during that time were painful and devastating. I had a choice. If I focused on what was happening around me, I knew it would destroy me. I had to find a way to get through it so that I could be there for my girls. That was my driving force—I knew I had to be okay for my girls. So, I created a vision of my girls and me skipping along a path. It was a joyful vision. I had no clue how I was ever going to make it there, but I wanted it desperately. I connected with that vision repeatedly throughout the day. When I felt as though I couldn’t go on, I would close my eyes and connect with that vision. My joyful vision is what motivated me, and it was also a tool I used to change how I felt in any given moment. The other thing that kept me going was knowing who I am at the core; I was not going to let anyone change that. I wanted desperately to leave the situation with my dignity intact. I would not allow it to change me into a bitter and angry person. I knew if I behaved that way (and yes, I was briefly tempted at times), I would ultimately regret it. I now look back on that time and actually feel quite proud of myself—proud that in an absolutely horrific situation, I maintained me! And that is a gift to my two precious angels. Now, I am able to share everything I have always believed in from an entirely new place. I know how powerful the mind is because I used it to get through a challenging time. I used what I had been sharing all along, and now I know beyond a shadow of a doubt what is possible. And that is exciting!

WRIGHT Having had those experiences, you obviously have something very important to share with others. So what would you recommend people do to get clarity around who they are and how they want to be in the world?

MELANIE AND LYNN First of all, you have to make it a priority. You have to realize that even though you are busy and already have so many things you have to do, that by doing this it will make your life much easier. You have to stop long enough to be able to connect to your inner guidance and your inner wisdom because whether you consciously know it or not, you do know who you are and what’s important to you. When you are feeling uncomfortable it’s because somewhere inside of you, you know that something isn’t lining up with who you really are. The problem is you haven’t stopped long enough to figure out what that is consciously so you can make choices to live your life aligned with who you are. It’s useful to have a process to help you gain clarity. The process we developed for our clients and ourselves is called The Path to a Purposeful Life. Most people only try to change behavior without considering their purpose—who they are as a person and what they stand for. Our process will help you align your actions and your words with who you say you are. If you’d like to discover who you truly are, so that you can begin to live an aligned life, you can download our worksheet at www.LifeWithoutRegrets.ca. This will guide you through the process. Following is an overview:

The Path to a Purposeful Life: Who Are You? This question will lead you to your true identity. Your identity is how you see yourself, and it’s about how you want to be described by others. Who do you want to be in the world? What is Your Purpose? This question will lead you to discover how you can make a difference in the world. Your purpose will give you a reason to push through any obstacles you might encounter in actualizing your vision, and it keeps you on track. What is Your Vision? This question will lead you to what the world will look like when you are living your purpose. Your vision inspires you to take action. As you think about it, you feel connected to it and passionate about making it happen. What’s important to You? This question will lead you to your values. Your values are what motivate you and what you use to evaluate your progress in life. You need to know what your values are to make sure they are aligned with who you say you are and your purpose. What Do You Believe In? This question will lead you to discover your true beliefs. Your beliefs determine how you see the world and what you achieve in the world. Although they are made up, you live your life as though they are true. What Are Your Gifts and Skills? This question will lead you to discover your natural gifts. These gifts will take you to a certain level, and from there you may require another set of skills to be able to be the person you want to be and live a purposeful life. How Do You Show Up in the World? This question will lead you to discover your patterns of behavior. To live an aligned life, you need to be willing to monitor your behavior in every situation and to ensure it is aligned with who you say you are. What Does Your World Look Like? This question will lead you to take a closer look at your surroundings. This will include your physical space as well as the people in your life. It’s important to take responsibility for creating an environment that allows you to thrive and that allows others to thrive as well.

The more clarity you have around these areas of your life, the more likely you are to create happiness and success in your life. This clarity will allow you to make choices that are aligned with who you are at the core and what you truly stand for.

WRIGHT Will you explain a bit more about the connection between your thoughts and feelings and how they affect your life?

MELANIE AND LYNN There is a scientific explanation that relates to how the brain processes information and how this creates an automatic response. It helps explain why we have certain patterns of behavior that we can track throughout our life. For example, we may continue to attract relationships that don’t work or run into the same challenges in our career time and time again. These patterns directly relate to the unconscious filters that are running automatically behind the scenes helping us make sense of what’s going on around us. All experiences are subjective and are based on our past experiences and how we’ve stored them. At a very young age, we unconsciously begin to collect information about ourselves, the people around us, and the world itself. Before the age of seven we are like little sponges, absorbing everything as though it’s true without questioning it. This is the basis for many of our beliefs and values that we live our life by as an adult. These become the filters that we run our experiences through; they determine how we feel about the experience. As an example, I’m sure you’ve looked for something and it wasn’t there. Someone else came along and, sure enough, there it is, right in front of you. Somehow you’ve filtered it out and literally not seen something right before your very eyes. We all do this in life without even knowing it. It can be very subtle. Another example of how this plays out in life is: If you grew up in an environment where life was a struggle, and this is what you were told repeatedly, you may have taken on this belief without question. You may not even know you have that belief, but what will happen is that if you believe life is meant to be a struggle you will use your filters to delete any opportunities that might come along. You won’t even recognize them because you are not expecting opportunities, you’re expecting struggle. This also means you will accept struggle in a way that someone who believes life is meant to be easy and opportunities are everywhere, would never accept. Most people don’t question this; they just unconsciously live their life with these constructed rules. Some of these rules work in helping us live the life we want to live and others hold us back. Knowing about these filters and how the brain processes information will allow you to become conscious of your actions as well as the consequences; you then have the opportunity to change.

How We Create Our Experiences As we experience life, we take in information through our senses in what we see, hear, touch, smell, and taste. Until we run this sensory information through our filters, it is all raw data. It has no meaning until we make meaning of it. We replay our experiences inside our head just like a movie, running them through our filters. That’s how we decide how we feel about each experience. How we feel about it then causes an automatic response. It shows itself in our physical body and in our reaction. This is something we can’t hide. If something happens and you feel angry, without thinking about it, you feel it and then what you do next expresses this anger. It might be very subtle, but it does show up. You can’t control the automatic response. The only way to change your response is to change how you feel about it. That means changing your perspective and changing your filters in some way. Something else that plays a role in this is that 93 percent of our communication is non- verbal and only 7 percent is the words we speak. That means we can’t hide the way we feel. If your behavior is stopping you from having the relationships you want, it’s time to look inside to find out what needs to be changed in order for your life to change. The only way to change behavior is to change your thoughts. Understanding more about how the mind works will also help to explain why some people see the glass as half full and others as half empty, and why some people thrive when faced with major life challenges and others crumble. Not only does this affect your success in life it also directly affects your health and well- being. In very simplistic terms, every thought produces a biochemical reaction in the brain. The brain then releases this into the body. Then the body feels the way you’re thinking and when the brain notices the way you’re feeling, it generates a thought and chemical that corresponds. This explains how people can get stuck in their negative feelings. If your thoughts are producing unhealthy chemicals, this will directly impact your health as well as your behavior. This is the science of Psychoneuro-immunology. As you can see, your thoughts create your inside world and your outside world. They determine how you feel inside, which, in turn, determines how you treat people around you. This directly affects your success. When you fully embrace and embody this concept, it is very powerful. You can’t control what happens outside of you. The only thing you can control is your response to it—that begins and ends with your thoughts. It is a choice. If you want to live a successful life, then you have to be conscious of your thoughts and be willing to change them to get the results you want.

WRIGHT So how can I use this information to think differently and live a happy, successful life?

MELANIE AND LYNN The power in knowing how the mind processes information means you are in charge of your life and therefore your happiness and success. Your happiness becomes a mind-set. You realize you have a choice as to how you’ll respond to events in your life. You can either focus on what went wrong and put all your attention on that, or you can focus on what good came out of it or what you might have learned. Where you focus your attention establishes whether you feel good or you feel bad. Once you know this, you can’t not know it. You won’t be able to blame others for your setbacks or credit them as the source of your happiness. Other people play a role in your life, but aren’t responsible for how you feel. If you want to make changes in your life and live a happy successful life, research has proven that there is a commonality in the mind-set of people who are happy and successful. No matter what the setbacks, to them every cloud has a silver lining even though it may not be easy to see at first. From this research and our own findings, we’ve developed “The 5 Keys to Living a Life Without Regrets,” which has proven to help people be open to new possibilities, remove judgment of themselves and others, and ultimately make changes in their lives to create happiness. Most people focus on changing their behavior but without changing their mind-set, any skills that they might learn to change behavior generally don’t stick. The first step is creating a new mind-set and the second step is integrating a success strategy.

The Mind-Set What you’ll notice is that the five keys all overlap in some way. They are very simple. But it’s not about knowing them intellectually, it’s about living them. By taking these on, it will totally transform how you feel about your life. The 5 Keys to Living a Life Without Regrets can serve you in two different ways: One is that the mind-set changes your state when you are faced with a challenging situation. It moves you to a different state in that moment, so that you are able to focus on a solution and take action in a different way. Secondly, the more you embody these keys, the more it becomes a way of approaching life, a way of behaving naturally and automatically because you have changed the way you think and the way you respond in the world. This is one of the ways we begin to change our filters to get different results in our life.

The 5 Keys to Living a Life Without Regrets 1. I control how I feel in each moment. We can’t control what is happening outside of us. The only thing we can control is how we respond to it. Most people experience some sort of crisis in their life, and often more than one. Life is full of challenges. How we choose to think about them creates how we feel. In order to control how we feel, we must control what we think about and how we think about it. 2. I am responsible for my own happiness. Happiness is a feeling, which means you can have it right now. You know that feelings come from your thoughts, so in order to feel happy you need to think about something that makes you happy. It is also important to remember that if you rely on others to bring you happiness, they also have the power to take it away. What are the things in your life, that when you think about them, you feel happy? 3. I always have a choice. It may not always look as though you have a choice because you may not like your choices, but there is always a choice. The choice you have is in how you respond to what’s going on. You also have the choice of what you’re thinking about. You can either think about your problem over and over again and how bad it is, or you can look at what you can learn from it and how you can move forward. And sometimes it’s simply a matter of making the choice to think about something else. You have a choice to forgive and forget, or hold on to your problem and feel bad. That is where the choice is. 4. My words have power, therefore I use them wisely. Words represent thoughts, and therefore our words also determine how we feel. The words we use to communicate can either inspire and encourage or deflate and belittle. And the same applies to self-talk, your inner dialogue. It is about living your life consciously, and deciding how you want your communication to impact both yourself and others. Do your words align with who you say you are? 5. Everything I do is aligned with who I am. If you don’t know who you are or who you want to be, you have nothing to measure your behavior against in terms of being aligned. In order to align your behavior with who you are, the first thing you need to do is to take the time to clarify who you truly are and what you stand for. And once you have that clarity, then you are able to ask yourself the question, “Does my behavior match with who I say I am?”

If these five keys are something you’d like to bring into your life, we also have an audio product on our website, www.LifeWithoutRegrets.ca, that will expand on the keys and help you integrate them. Now you’re ready for the success strategy.

The Success Strategy Awareness: Stop long enough to notice what’s not working by using the indicators of how you feel. Set an Outcome: Clarify what you want. Set an outcome that you have an emotional connection to. That’s the key to achieving your outcome. Decision: Make a decision to do whatever it takes to get the outcome you want. Take Action: Adopt the mind-set of The 5 Keys to Living a Life Without Regrets. Be willing to learn new skills, and release any negative emotions and limiting beliefs. Monitor Your Progress: If your actions are taking you closer to what you want, then continue. If not, then change your actions and make different choices.

WRIGHT What advice can you give to people who are faced with major life challenges?

MELANIE AND LYNN When a crisis hits, there are many emotional responses such as fear, anger, confusion, betrayal, sadness. Somehow we have to find a way to survive and make it through. At times we may feel it isn’t possible and that there is no future. We’ve lost faith in the future and sometimes even in life itself. Our beliefs are destroyed and we have to start over, putting our life back together. The thing is, we often don’t know where to begin, so we stay stuck yearning for the past. We continually relive our life, as it was, wishing we could have it back again. This keeps us lost in the past and denies us any hope for the future. Your past does not define your future, the future is yet to be lived, and you deserve to experience life to the fullest, this time in another way—a new way yet to be determined. This is what inspired us to develop our signature program, Overcoming Challenges with GRACE. G et through the pain and fear. R edefine yourself. A ccept what is now. C hallenge doesn’t have to define you. E merge and thrive.

With our GRACE program, we realized we had to address the stages of healing. Once you’ve made it through the crisis or challenge, there are certain stages of healing and growth that need to take place. This is the time to make a decision that you are going to let go of the past and start a new life. Making that decision will make it possible for you to stay focused on the future and let go of the past so that you can move forward. By working through the following stages, you will have the building blocks needed to create a new blueprint for a happy, successful life.

Stages of Healing The first is about releasing the past. This doesn’t mean erasing all your memories, but it does mean letting go of all negative emotions attached to the past. By holding on to the emotions, you will hold yourself hostage and ruin the life you could have now. There are ways to release the emotions that will allow you to put the past behind you. You can begin to change the way you see and remember the past, so it frees you to focus on a new life. The second stage is to rediscover what’s important to you in life. What do you value? What can make your heart sing? What is something you’ve always wanted either to do or get back to that would bring joy to your life? Perhaps there is something you used to do or dream of doing that you let go of. Resurrect that dream. If that isn’t the case, imagine what it would be like if you could create your life any way you want. Remember, you have control of your thoughts and have the power to focus your thoughts in any direction you choose. This may not be easy, but it is possible if you have the desire. With that desire, you’ll find new things to believe in that will give you new direction. It’s time to create a new vision—one that is big and bright and full of life. The next stage is redefining yourself. Too often, people continue to define themselves as they were before the crisis or challenge. You are more than your past. At first it may be painful to let go of the past, but it is your only way to open the door to your future. In order to move forward, you must discover who you are now based on your new circumstances. What do you stand for? What are the qualities and characteristics you want others to recognize in you? What is your purpose in life? Your purpose keeps you on track. It’s like a guiding light that shows you your direction. It keeps you inspired and engaged in life. Without this you’re like a rudderless ship, still in motion, but with no ability to reach a destination. Once you reconnect with who you are at the core, what you stand for, and what your purpose is, many possibilities will open up to you. The final stage is rebuilding your life. This is when it’s time to take action and do the things that will allow you to build your new life. It’s time to work toward making your vision a reality. Once you’ve released the past, rediscovered what’s important to you, and you’ve created a new vision based on who you are and what you stand for, you can begin the process of rebuilding your life based on where you are now. This can be a magical time—a time of infinite possibilities.

WRIGHT Will you summarize how to live a Life Without Regrets for our readers?

MELANIE AND LYNN In order to live a Life Without Regrets, it’s important to take the time to figure out who you are at the core and then be that person each day. Often people think about who they are, or who they want to be, and then go out into the world and behave in a way that doesn’t match up. They may get angry or frustrated at work, gossip about coworkers, or complain about their “awful” job. They may yell and scream at their kids. They make no connection to who they say they want to be and how they’re behaving. It’s about recognizing that wherever you go, there you are. To live a Life Without Regrets, you need to be happy where you are, or make the changes you need to make in order to be happy. Sometimes in life, you can do all you want internally, but the reality is that if things or situations in your life aren’t aligned with who you are at the core, then you have to be willing to make whatever changes necessary to become aligned. It’s not enough to figure out who you want to be in this world when you’re sitting quietly by yourself. The true power or beauty is in actualizing this in your day-to-day interactions. If you can do this each day, in every situation, you will rest your head on your pillow each night feeling good about your day and feeling totally aligned inside. By doing this, days turn into weeks, weeks turn into years, and ultimately that creates your successful life—a Life Without Regrets.

About the Author

Lynn Robinson is founder of The Robinson Group Training and Consulting. She and her group have been helping corporations and individual business owners to develop the skills and the mind-set needed to achieve breakthrough performance for more than twenty years. Lynn is also the cofounder of Life Without Regrets, in partnership with her daughter, Melanie. Lynn is a Human Transformational Expert who works with clients to overcome challenges that are stopping them from stepping into their full potential. Life Without Regrets is her legacy to her family and beyond. Lynn is a Certified Trainer of Neuro-Linguistic Programming™ (NLP), and has been certifying others in this field since 1995 in Canada, the United States, and the UK. Lynn is an international speaker, trainer, and coach.

LYNN ROBINSON Life Without Regrets Vancouver, B.C. 778-294-0447 www.LifeWithoutRegrets.ca www.TheRobinsonGroup.ca [email protected]

Melanie Robinson is cofounder of Life Without Regrets, in partnership with her mother, Lynn. She is a Human Transformational Expert, working with clients to overcome their personal challenges so they can live a happy, balanced, and fulfilled life. She has been working in the family business since 2001, and has her own successful private practice helping clients develop the mind-set to make behavioral changes in their life. She is the proud mother of two beautiful girls who are the light of her life and who inspire her to be the best that she can be. Melanie studied psychology and sociology at the University of Victoria and has integrated her knowledge into program development. She is also a Certified Master Practitioner of Neuro- Linguistic Programming™ (NLP).

MELANIE ROBINSON Life Without Regrets Vancouver, B.C. 778-294-0447 www.LifeWithoutRegrets.ca [email protected]

Chapter Three – Discover Your Inner Resource Dr. Deepak Chopra -

DAVID WRIGHT (WRIGHT) Today we are talking to Dr. Deepak Chopra, founder of the Chopra Center for Well Being in Carlsbad, California. More than a decade ago, Dr. Chopra became the foremost pioneer in integrated medicine. His insights have redefined our definition of health to embrace body, mind and spirit. His books, which include, Quantum Healing, Perfect Health, Ageless Body Timeless Mind, and The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success, have become international bestsellers and are established classics. Dr. Chopra, welcome to Stepping Stones to Success.

DR. DEEPAK CHOPRA (CHOPRA) Thank you. How are you?

WRIGHT I am doing just fine. It’s great weather here in Tennessee.

CHOPRA Great.

WRIGHT Dr. Chopra, you stated in your book, Grow Younger, Live Longer: 10 Steps to Reverse Aging, that it is possible to reset your biostats up to fifteen years younger than your chronological age. Is that really possible?

CHOPRA Yes. There are several examples of this. The literature on aging really began to become interesting in the 1980s when people showed that it was possible to reverse the biological marks of aging. This included things like blood pressure, bone density, body temperature, regulation of the metabolic rate, and other things like cardiovascular conditioning, cholesterol levels, muscle mass and strength of muscles, and even things like hearing, vision, sex hormone levels, and immune function. One of the things that came out of those studies was that psychological age had a great influence on biological age. So you have three kinds of aging: chronological age is when you were born, biological age is what your biomarker shows, and psychological age is what your biostat says.

WRIGHT You call our prior conditioning a prison. What do you mean?

CHOPRA We have certain expectations about the aging process. Women expect to become menopausal in their early forties. People think they should retire at the age of sixty-five and then go Florida and spend the rest of their life in so-called retirement. These expectations actually influence the very biology of aging. What we call normal aging is actually the hypnosis of our social conditioning. If you can bypass that social conditioning, then you’re free to reset your own biological clock.

WRIGHT Everyone told me that I was supposed to retire at sixty-five. I’m somewhat older than that and as a matter of fact, today is my birthday.

CHOPRA Well happy birthday. You know, the fact is that you should be having fun all the time and always feel youthful. You should always feel that you are contributing to society. It’s not the retirement, but it’s the passion with which you’re involved in the well being of your society, your community, or the world at large.

WRIGHT Great things keep happening to me. I have two daughters; one was born when I was fifty. That has changed my life quite a bit. I feel a lot younger than I am.

CHOPRA The more you associate with young people, the more you will respond to that biological expression.

WRIGHT Dr. Chopra, you suggest viewing our bodies from the perspective of quantum physics. That seems somewhat technical. Will you tell us a little bit more about that?

CHOPRA You see, on one level, your body is made up of flesh and bone. That’s the material level but we know today that everything we consider matter is born of energy and information. By starting to think of our bodies as networks of energy information and even intelligence, we begin to shift our perspective. We don’t think of our bodies so much as dense matter, but as vibrations of consciousness. Even though it sounds technical, everyone has had an experience with this so- called quantum body. After, for example, you do an intense workout, you feel a sense of energy in your body—a tingling sensation. You’re actually experiencing what ancient wisdom traditions call the “vital force.” The more you pay attention to this vital force inside your body, the more you will experience it as energy, information, and intelligence, and the more control you will have over its expressions.

WRIGHT Does DNA have anything to do with that?

CHOPRA DNA is the source of everything in our body. DNA is like the language that creates the molecules of our bodies. DNA is like a protein-making factory, but DNA doesn’t give us the blueprint. When I build a house, I have to go to the factory to find the bricks, but having the bricks is not enough. I need to get an architect, who in his or her consciousness can create that blueprint. And that blueprint exists only in your spirit and consciousness—in your soul.

WRIGHT I was interested in a statement from your book. You said that perceptions create reality. What perceptions must we change in order to reverse our biological image?

CHOPRA You have to change three perceptions. First you have to get rid of the perceptions of aging itself. Most people believe that aging means disease and infirmities. You have to change that. You have to regard aging as an opportunity for personal growth and spiritual growth. You also have to regard it as an opportunity to express the wisdom of your experience and an opportunity to help others and lift them from ordinary and mundane experience to the kind of experiences you are capable of because you have much more experience than they do. The second thing you have to change your perception of is your physical body. You have to start to experience it as information and energy—as a network of information and intelligence. The third thing you have to change your perception on is the experience of dying. If you are the kind of person who is constantly running out of time, you will continue to run out of time. On the other hand, if you have a lot of time, and if you do everything with gusto and love and passion, then you will lose track of time. When you lose track of time, your body does not metabolize that experience.

WRIGHT That is interesting. People who teach time management don’t really teach the passion.

CHOPRA No, no. Time management is such a restriction of time. Your biological clock starts to age much more rapidly. I think what you have to really do is live your life with passion so that time doesn’t mean anything to you.

WRIGHT That’s a concept I’ve never heard.

CHOPRA Well, there you are.

WRIGHT You spend an entire chapter of your book on deep rest as an important part of the reversal of the aging process. What is “deep rest”?

CHOPRA One of the most important mechanisms for renewal and survival is sleep. If you deprive an animal of sleep, then it ages very fast and dies prematurely. We live in a culture where most of our population has to resort to sleeping pills and tranquilizers in order to sleep. That doesn’t bring natural rejuvenation and renewal. You know that you have had a good night’s sleep when you wake up in the morning, feeling renewed, invigorated, and refreshed—like a baby does. So that’s one kind of deep rest. That comes from deep sleep and from natural sleep. In the book I talk about how you go about making sure you get that. The second deep rest comes from the experience of meditation, which is the ability to quiet your mind so you still your internal dialogue. When your internal dialogue is still, then you enter into a stage of deep rest. When your mind is agitated, your body is unable to rest.

WRIGHT I have always heard of people who had bad eyesight and really didn’t realize it until they went to the doctor and were fitted for lenses. I had that same experience some years ago. For several years I had not really enjoyed the deep sleep you’re talking about. The doctor diagnosed me with sleep apnea. Now I sleep like a baby, and it makes a tremendous difference.

CHOPRA Of course it does. You now have energy and the ability to concentrate and do things.

WRIGHT Dr. Chopra, how much do eating habits have to do with aging? Can we change and reverse our biological age by what we eat?

CHOPRA Yes, you can. One of the most important things to remember is that certain types of foods actually contain anti-aging compounds. There are many chemicals that are contained in certain foods that have an anti-aging effect. Most of these chemicals are derived from light. There’s no way to bottle them—there are no pills you can take that will give you these chemicals. But they’re contained in plants that are rich in color and derived from photosynthesis. Anything that is yellow, green, and red or has a lot of color, such as fruits and vegetables, contain a lot of these very powerful anti-aging chemicals. In addition, you have to be careful not to put food in your body that is dead or has no life energy. So anything that comes in a can or has a label, qualifies for that. You have to expose your body to six tastes: sweet, sour, salt, bitter, pungent, and astringent because those are the codes of intelligence that allow us to access the deep intelligence of nature. Nature and what she gives to us in bounty is actually experienced through the sense of taste. In fact, the light chemicals—the anti-aging substances in food—create the six tastes.

WRIGHT Some time ago, I was talking to one of the ladies in your office and she sent me an invitation to a symposium that you had in California. I was really interested. The title was Exploring the Reality of Soul.

CHOPRA Well, I conducted the symposium, but we had some of the world’s scientists, physicists, and biologists who were doing research in what is called, non-local intelligence—the intelligence of soul or spirit. You could say it is the intelligence that orchestrates the activity of the universe— God, for example. Science and spirituality are now meeting together because by understanding how nature works and how the laws of nature work, we’re beginning to get a glimpse of a deeper intelligence that people in spiritual traditions call divine, or God. I think this is a wonderful time to explore spirituality through science.

WRIGHT She also sent me biographical information of the seven scientists that were with you. I have never read a list of seven more noted people in their industry.

CHOPRA They are. The director of the Max Planck Institute, in Berlin, Germany, where quantum physics was discovered was there. Dr. Grossam was a professor of physics at the University of Oregon, and he talked about the quantum creativity of death and the survival of conscious after death. It was an extraordinary group of people.

WRIGHT Dr. Chopra, with our Stepping Stones to Success book we’re trying to encourage people to be better, live better, and be more fulfilled by listening to the examples of our guest authors. Is there anything or anyone in your life who has made a difference for you and has helped you to become a better person?

CHOPRA The most important person in my life was my father. Every day he asked himself, “What can I do in thought, word, and deed to nurture every relationship I encounter just for today?” That has lived with me for my entire life.

WRIGHT What do you think makes up a great mentor? Are there characteristics mentors seem to have in common?

CHOPRA I think the most important attribute of a great mentor is that he or she teaches by example and not necessarily through words.

WRIGHT When you consider the choices you’ve made down through the years, has faith played an important role?

CHOPRA I think more than faith, curiosity, wonder, a sense of reference, and humility has. Now, if you want to call that faith, then, yes it has.

WRIGHT In a divine being?

CHOPRA In a greater intelligence—intelligence that is supreme, infinite, unbounded, and too mysterious for the finite mind to comprehend.

WRIGHT If you could have a platform and tell our audience something you feel would help them and encourage them, what would you say?

CHOPRA I would say that there are many techniques that come to us from ancient wisdom and tradition that allow us to tap into our inner resources and allow us to become beings who have intuition, creativity, vision, and a connection to that which is sacred. Finding that within ourselves, we have the means to enhance our well-being. Whether it’s physical, emotional, or environmental, we have the means to resolve conflicts and get rid of war. We have the means to be really healthy. We have the means for being economically uplifted. That knowledge is the most important knowledge that exists.

WRIGHT I have seen you on several primetime television shows down through the years where you have had the time to explain your theories and beliefs. How does someone like me experience this? Do we get it out of books?

CHOPRA Books are tools that offer you a road map. Sit down every day, close your eyes, put your attention in your heart, and ask yourself two questions: who am I and what do I want? Then maintain a short period of stillness in body and mind as in prayer or meditation, and the door will open.

WRIGHT So, you think that the intelligence comes from within. Do all of us have that capacity?

CHOPRA Every child born has that capacity.

WRIGHT That’s fascinating. So, it doesn’t take trickery or anything like that?

CHOPRA No, it says in the Bible in the book of Psalms, “Be still and know that I am God”—Psalm 46:10.

WRIGHT That’s great advice. I really do appreciate your being with us today. You are fascinating. I wish I could talk with you for the rest of the afternoon. I’m certain I am one of millions who would like to do that!

CHOPRA Thank you, sir. It was a pleasure to talk with you!

WRIGHT Today we have been talking with Dr. Deepak Chopra, founder of The Chopra Center. He has become the foremost pioneer in integrated medicine. We have found today that he really knows what he’s talking about. After reading his book, Grow Younger, Live Longer: 10 Steps to Reverse Aging, I can tell you that I highly recommend it. I certainly hope you’ll go out to your favorite book store and buy a copy. Dr. Chopra, thank you so much for being with us today on Stepping Stones to Success.

CHOPRA Thank you for having me, David.

About the Author

Deepak Chopra has written more than fifty books, which have been translated into many languages. He is also featured on many audio and videotape series, including five critically acclaimed programs on public television. He has also written novels and edited collections of spiritual poetry from India and Persia. In 1999, Time magazine selected Dr. Chopra as one of the Top 100 Icons and Heroes of the Century, describing him and “the poet-prophet of alternative medicine.”

Dr. Deepak Chopra The Chopra Center 2013 Costa del Mar Rd. Carlsbad, CA 92009 [email protected] www.chopra.com

Chapter Four – Secrets to Being Successfully Healthy Dr. Christopher Burton -

DAVID WRIGHT (WRIGHT) Dr. Christopher Burton is a practicing physician who has developed a passion for helping others improve their health through lifestyle changes that will prevent illness and disease instead of just treating the symptoms. He is a featured speaker for programs on nutrition, exercise, and wellness. He speaks to businesses, healthcare groups, and communities to promote healthy living. His teachings demonstrate the connection between wellness and success in a simple to understand manner backed by scientific research. Dr. Burton, welcome to Stepping Stones to Success. We often hear people talk about success, but you have a unique take on the subject. How do you describe success?

CHRISTOPHER BURTON (BURTON) Success typically means achieving your goal(s). There are many types of goals, and we can have success in many different areas of our lives. But for me, the first and most important area in which we should strive for success is in our health. Health can be broken down into physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual wellness. All of these must be addressed in order to achieve complete wellness. Once we have reached these goals, then success in other areas of life—relationships, professional, financial—is much easier to obtain. I invite you to think about what success means to you. Is it a stable job? A six-figure income or large bank account? Some may see success in a happy marriage or raising good children. How you define success varies from person to person depending on the goals you set for your life and what you value most. But when you close your eyes and see that image of yourself being successful, do you see yourself sick or overweight? Of course not. Yet, if most of your energy, time, and money are directed toward fighting a chronic illness or disease, you probably won’t have enough of these three resources left to pursue your goals. Of course, there are a few well known exceptions such as Franklin D. Roosevelt becoming President, for example, after having polio. And there are others who were already successful when their illness began. We all like stories of overcoming; they encourage us and give hope. But unlike a couple of famous college dropouts who hit it big in the computer industry, we can’t just expect that we will be the exception. The evidence shows that those who are healthy, like those who get a college education, have a higher earning potential throughout their lifetime. We need to put ourselves in a position to succeed, not just hope we get lucky. Recently I read of a study done of retired successful executives, in which they were asked what they would do differently if they could live their lives over again. The number one answer was that they would have set goals earlier. The number two answer was, “I would have taken better care of my health.” Don’t end up in the position where you are looking back on your life wishing you could do it differently. Learn from these successful executives and make the changes now. Set your goals and take good care of your health starting today.

WRIGHT As a physician, you have spent years studying science and the human body. What evidence is there for this connection between good health and success?

BURTON There is a lot of research in the scientific literature showing the impact of health on success. For example, one study shows that those who eat breakfast are more efficient problem solvers and better verbal communicators. Students who are more active and get enough sleep score better on tests. Increased activity improves cognitive function and slows dementia in the elderly. Exposure to natural daylight and plants improves attention to detail in both students and workers. Fresh air is important because recycled indoor air has higher pollution from cleaning products and even the furnishings around us. And there are many more studies showing that healthy individuals are more productive in their work. So if I promised that I could make you more efficient, more productive, better at solving problems, and better at communicating, would you take me up on it? What if I could guarantee that you will be more successful at work, financially, and in your relationships?

WRIGHT That does sound great.

BURTON Obviously, most people would say sign me up! The evidence shows that it is possible—that I can offer you all of those things. But unfortunately, as I have experienced many times in my practice, when it comes down to implementing my recommendations, most people are not willing to give up the bad habits in their lives to reach their goals.

WRIGHT What do you think is the biggest obstacle people face in trying to become successful, particularly in the area of their health?

BURTON Self-control. It takes self-control to make the right decisions needed in order to be successful. Whether it is choosing what to eat, getting enough sleep, exercising, or filtering the words we say, self-control is essential to all areas of wellness. Unfortunately, much like their physical muscles, most people don’t exercise their self-control either. The good news is that you can develop the ability to self-regulate. It certainly isn’t something we are born with, so it has to be learned by practice. Once self-regulation becomes a habit, you are very likely to achieve wellness. Each time you make the right decision, it becomes easier to do it again. It is the law of momentum—one good habit leads to another. One goal accomplished motivates you to reach your next goal. The truths I teach people are not hard to understand. There is nothing fancy or complicated about achieving success in your health. Anyone can do it. But despite how simple it is, despite all the evidence supporting the benefits of living a healthy lifestyle, for some people it is the hardest thing they will ever do. It takes self-control and discipline that some just aren’t willing to develop. Too many people just want a magic pill for everything, and lots of doctors have become too used to only writing prescriptions. Unfortunately, some of those “magic pills” to fix high cholesterol or diabetes also have some bad side effects, and sometimes cause more harm than good. Both parties in the patient-physician relationship have given up on having those tough conversations about changing the underlying cause of the illness. No one wants to talk about diet, exercise, smoking, or weight loss.

WRIGHT What are the specific problems associated with poor health? And how does that impact our readers’ pursuit of success?

BURTON I touched briefly on a few keys to good health already: nutrition, exercise, and sleep. But the fact is, today the average American is tired, overweight, and battling chronic illnesses like diabetes, heart disease, or arthritis. For the individual, it is fairly obvious that if you are in poor health, you will require more doctor visits, diagnostic testing, and medications. You spend more time, money, and energy on your illness or disease than you do on achieving your life goals. That is why I stated at the beginning that if you don’t meet your wellness goals, you are less likely to meet your professional or financial goals either. For business, the cost of providing healthcare insurance is skyrocketing. In fact, it is typically the second biggest expense for many companies, right behind salaries. That means more than equipment, marketing, physical space, or supplies. Unhealthy workers miss time from work much more frequently, they are not as productive while at work, and they are more likely to be injured on the job. All of these factors add up to even higher health-related costs that negatively impact the bottom line.

WRIGHT How does someone who wants to improve his or her health go about making that change? Is it possible to reverse the effects of an unhealthy lifestyle?

BURTON It is absolutely possible! We can reverse heart disease, fight back diabetes, and decrease the risk of cancer with simple lifestyle changes. Plus obtaining wellness makes you a better student, employee, or leader. No matter if your goals are for yourself or for your business, you have to write them out. Just like your professional or financial goals, you need to develop a strategic plan for tackling your wellness goals. Do you need to work on exercising on controlling your emotions? What steps are you going to take to achieve that goal? The next step for most people is separating the facts from the fiction. There is a ton of bad information and even outright lies being spread on the topic of health. Sadly, some of it is from people who should know better. It bothers me to see supposed experts of healthcare giving people wrong information, especially those serving their own interest of making money by selling a product or service that is not in the consumers’ bet interest. In fact, many of these fads are actually harmful to your health.

WRIGHT What are some of the common myths that you see your patients and the public falling for?

BURTON These days, most of the misinformation in the world of nutrition revolves around carbohydrates and protein. Carbohydrates are not evil, though many fad diets and media reports would lead you to believe otherwise. Carbs don’t build muscle or bone. Carbs aren’t stored as carbs. Carbs are pure energy; they provide energy to every cell every minute of every day. In fact, carbs are the only kind of energy your brain will use for fuel. And you don’t want your brain to run out of gas. Yes, excess carbs are stored as fat, but that is because of eating too much and/or the wrong types of carbs. When choosing your carbohydrates, pick the whole grain varieties and avoid anything labeled processed, enriched, or bleached in order to get the most nutritional value. High-protein diets are probably the most over-hyped diet fad of the past decade. Nitrogen balance studies indicate that 25 grams a day (less than an ounce) is all we need for good health. Protein should be approximately 10 to 15 percent of our total daily food intake. In the United States, the recommended daily allowance is 45 grams a day for women and 55 grams a day for men. On average though, we are eating twice the recommended daily allowance.

WRIGHT You pointed out that some of these fads can actually be harmful. What are the potential harmful effects of high-protein diets?

WRIGHT Well, first most of them recommend avoiding carbohydrates so individuals end up eating lots of high-fat foods like red meat and dairy. This increases the risk of many types of cancer and heart disease. Not only that, the body does not store protein, so it has to work harder to break down the excess. When the protein is broken down into amino acids, our body must balance the acidity. This can be done by leaching calcium, acting as an antacid, from the bones. Losing calcium from the bones could lead to osteoporosis. And the removal of excess breakdown products places added stress on the kidneys. With a balance diet, the body is finely tuned for optimal function. When we throw that balance out by going on fad diets like high-protein or low-carb diets, we develop illness or disease. The body is made to use carbohydrates, fats, and proteins for certain functions and processes just like cars require certain types of oil or gas. Your car can’t run on just one or the other. Why would anyone think his or her body could?

WRIGHT Are there any other myths related to healthcare and success?

BURTON There is also the myth that in order to be successful you have to burn the candle at both ends. That’s just not true. I made it all the way through college and medical school and never once pulled an all-nighter to cram for a test. (Working in the hospital is another story.) Burning the candle that way is certainly not a viable long-term success strategy. Sure, there may be times when it is inevitable, but if it is your standard operating procedure, then long-term success is unlikely. The only thing you will accomplish is burning out your candle faster. On average we need seven to eight hours of sleep a night to function properly, but about 30 to 40 percent of people are getting six hours a night or less. Lack of sleep compromises our brain’s planning, concentration, motor performance, and high-level intellectual skills. Fatigue— both mental and physical—makes us more prone to mistakes and decreases our willpower to make the right decisions. As Benjamin Franklin said, “Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.” They go hand in hand. Another form of rest is taking a day off each week. There are many religions that have a day of rest. This Sabbath is like a mini-vacation to recharge, maintain important relationships, and decrease our stress. Having one full day a week where you don’t have to worry about work and other secular concerns makes you less prone to burnout than someone who is going in to the office seven days a week. Exercise is another area where people tend to get sold products or theories that cannot deliver on their promise. Don’t fall for the five-minute anything workout. You cannot and will not achieve your physical fitness goals working out only five minutes a day. You have to get your heart rate up and keep it there. You have to break a sweat. And you must incorporate multiple kinds of exercise for your entire body. Having great glutes, awesome abs, or bulging biceps alone does not mean you are physically fit. Complete wellness includes aerobic exercise, strength training, and flexibility. Aerobic exercise is essential for improving your heart and lung function. It improves circulation and increases endurance. Having more stamina comes in handy when keeping up at work or when keeping up with the kids at home. At moderate intensity, it is recommended that you get thirty minutes every day. If you perform vigorous exercise, then three days a week is recommended so that your body can recover between sessions. At a moderate level of aerobic exercise, you can still talk to the person you are exercising with, but at a vigorous level you should be breathing hard enough that you aren’t discussing what was on television last night. Strength or resistance training is important for everyone, not just for athletes or those who want to look good on the beach. Resistance training is just as critical for grandmas and CEOs. It increases bone strength and prevents osteoporosis and fractures. Strength training also decreases the risk of injury by strengthening muscles, tendons, and ligaments. Flexibility is another key component of a healthy body. It improves range of motion and prevents muscle strains and tears. Stretching should be done slow and steady. Never bounce or try to force it. Stretching should always be done after you have at least broken a sweat to warm the muscles up first. From a purely medical standpoint, exercise is essential to lose and maintain body weight. It also contributes to lower blood pressure, resting heart rate, and blood sugar. Bad Total and LDL cholesterol is decreased and the good HDL cholesterol is increased. Blood flow to muscles and the brain improves. Our body adapts and becomes more efficient at exercise the longer we do it. While you may feel tired while exercising, overall you will notice that you are less fatigued and more relaxed throughout the day. People who exercise tend to be more disciplined and productive. I have to be disciplined to drag myself out of bed every morning—even if it is still dark or cold or raining. When we master healthy habits, it also builds self-confidence and we can tackle other challenges. Overall, those who exercise regularly report better quality of life when assessing physical or mental health. I should point out here that if people are not already doing some kind of exercise program, they should see their physician prior to starting to determine if there are any specific risks or precautions based on their specific health status.

WRIGHT That is important to remember. Now, if I were going to jump into an exercise program what do I need to get started?

BURTON Exercise does not require any fancy videos or expensive equipment. A decent pair of shoes is a good idea, and it is nice to have an exercise partner to keep you accountable. But you don’t need to waste money on fancy products or programs. A certified coach or trainer can be beneficial to ensure that you are exercising and progressing safely and appropriately. But be careful who you take advice from because there are lots of individuals out there who think that just because they like to exercise and read fitness magazines they are now experts. Make sure that whoever you get advice from has the appropriate certification and background, and that he or she has experience in the areas where you most need coaching.

WRIGHT That is great advice, but how do we incorporate physical activity into a busy schedule?

BURTON When we set our priorities, our health should be near the top of the list. We have to make time to treat our health as a priority. If you can’t start with thirty minutes of exercise a day, then start with ten. If you can exercise for ten minutes three times a day, then you have met your first exercise goal. There are also ways to increase your overall physical activity outside of your regular workouts. Don’t underestimate how much benefit you can get from these additions to your day:

* Take the stairs instead of the elevator. * Bike to work or school. * Park farther away and walk to the store. * Put exercise equipment in your home and office. A treadmill or a few dumbbell weights can be enough. * Instead of meeting for coffee or drinks, meet at the gym, play tennis, or go for a walk. It is okay to do business while you sweat. In fact, it is probably a better idea than doing business while drinking. * Get creative with your exercise and activities. Exercise should never be boring. There are many ways to stretch or strengthen a muscle, and there are many fun ways to get in your aerobic exercise. * Try out a few classes, work out with a spouse or friend, or pick up a new sport.

WRIGHT I like those ideas. Now when we started, you mentioned emotional and spiritual wellness as being important also. Will you tell us a little more about the role they play in success?

BURTON Certainly. Several of my coauthors in this book point out the mental aspects of success and the mind-set you need to be successful. In light of that, I have focused more on the physical side of wellness. But the importance of mental, emotional, and spiritual wellness should not be underestimated. No matter your spiritual beliefs, there has been a significant amount of research showing that people who pray and attend worship services regularly tend to have better health, less stress, greater feelings of self-worth and increased life span. There may be many reasons for these findings. Unloading your worries through prayer and meditation eases the mind. Attending worship services gives you a built-in support system of like-minded individuals, leading to less social isolation. Overall, having faith gives people hope and a reason to keep striving for their goals, even when things get tough. A positive outlook does have a beneficial impact on health. Simply believing that you can reach your goals makes it more likely you will succeed. You must have the right mind-set in order to achieve your goals. Emotional wellness means being grateful to others and letting go of anger, resentment, and bitterness. When you are focused on being upset with the person who was promoted ahead of you, you can’t be focused on your goal of getting the next promotion. Don’t waste emotional energy on things you cannot change. Others like being around a positive and upbeat person; conversely, we tend to avoid the cranky folks as much as possible. Since most of us will need to work with others in order to achieve success, doesn’t it make more sense to be friendly? We should be givers, not just an emotional drain. Being supportive of others builds up social capital that will be returned when we need a lift.

WRIGHT Often it is hard to find time to focus on our health when we are so busy with so many other things in our life. So, how does someone balance other success goals with wellness goals?

BURTON As I mentioned earlier, it is hard to reach your other success goals if you are in poor health. I believe that everything starts with health—physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. Once you master wellness in all four areas, success in business and relationships is much easier to master. The bad news is that initially you will have to make a concerted effort of changing your lifestyle choices. It isn’t something that happens overnight or by accident. The good news is that once you develop good habits that will lead to better health, they will be so ingrained that it will not take much work at all to maintain them.

WRIGHT Don’t you have to make sacrifices in order to become successful?

BURTON Of course, when you are pursuing any goal you will probably have to give up something. Basically you are trading it for something else you value even more. For example you may sacrifice time from watching television or reading novels to spend more time writing a book of your own. Or you may give up a steady job in order to pursue your dream of running your own business. Some things you give up won’t end up feeling like a sacrifice at all, though. One thing you should never sacrifice is your health. I mentioned earlier that I was able to be successful in school despite getting eight-hours of sleep every night. I studied hard during the time I had allotted, but I always made sure to get a good night’s sleep. I didn’t know it at the time I started developing this habit, but studies have shown your brain needs sleep in order to optimally process all the information it has learned. If you don’t get enough sleep, then you actually end up losing most of the information you had stayed up to cram in anyway. I also start my day with exercise, so if I get busy and have to sacrifice something at the end of the day, it can be something like watching television or reading the sports page. Neither of those activities is helping me reach any of my success goals anyway. Again, it is about setting priorities and developing good habits. I can’t say it is always easy, but most mornings I don’t even have to think about it now. As soon as it is time to get up, I just hit the floor, throw on the gym clothes, and head out the door.

WRIGHT We have talked a lot about the importance of health and success on the individual level, but you also speak to businesses about employee wellness programs. What are the benefits and what does a business owner need to know to develop a program?

BURTON Let’s start with the obvious question: why should a business have a corporate wellness program? The short answer: because prevention is the key to avoiding costly healthcare bills and work injuries. And what are the specific benefits to a company’s bottom line? As we have already discussed, healthy individuals (in this case employees) are going to miss less time at work. And while they are at work, they are much more productive. Healthy employees are more disciplined, more creative, and better problem solvers. On top of that, they are also less likely to be injured while at work. A review of work site health promotion programs suggests that when properly designed, these programs can lead to decreased job stress and significantly greater job satisfaction. Even modest reductions in absenteeism may result in substantial fiscal savings when multiplied by many employees. There was an Australian study that showed the average benefit outweighs the cost by an overwhelming three to one ratio. The expected benefit in their weight loss program was calculated at $690 per employee, whereas the associated cost of the program was only $200 per enrollment. Sure, wellness programs are an investment in time and money, but they are investments that always pay off. I ask employers why they would put it off any longer. If companies don’t start implementing these kinds of programs soon, eventually politicians or insurance carriers are going to regulate the decision for them.

WRIGHT Okay, I’m convinced that good health is essential to success. Would you take a minute to tell our readers a little bit about what drives you to be successful?

BURTON I think everyone wants to be successful and most people dream of being successful, but very few people are willing to put in the effort to make their dreams of success into a reality of success. I put in the effort because my goals aren’t just success in itself; I want to be successful so that I can obtain the knowledge and means to help others. Having a reason for being successful provides more motivation. It seems silly now, but as a child, superhero was a legitimate career option to me. Even after I realized that I wasn’t going to develop super powers, action hero was still available. Later I started playing sports in high school and college, so I exercised and worked out to get stronger and faster. Today, while I still would like to be fit enough to save the day if called upon, my idea of helping is a little more realistic. It can be something as simple as building a house with Habitat for Humanity, participating in a church work-bee, or helping a friend move a couch. More recently, my fitness goals have included the ability to race in the yard or be a personal jungle gym for my niece. Financial success for me also is not just about achieving a certain income level or the amount of money in the bank. My goals have been about what I can do when I become financially successful. I can start a scholarship for students who want to go into healthcare. I can help a school fund a new building project. Or even more close to home, I can take care of my parents when they retire. My professional goals likewise are not the end. It is actually part of a growth process. I became a Physical Medicine and Rehabilitation physician to help individuals improve their function after an injury or illness. Then, I started public speaking because I wanted to assist even more people in changing their health habits in order to prevent injury and illness. Now, I am writing in order to reach even more individuals who desire to improve their lifestyle and achieve their long-term health and wellness goals.

WRIGHT As we close, will you summarize the message you want people to hear so that they can learn from your success?

BURTON It is possible for anyone to achieve better health and meet wellness goals. By achieving successful wellness, you will be on your way to success in other areas of your life, too. After all, think of the most successful people you know, those with the most professional and financial success. Scanning down the Forbes list of billionaires, you might notice that while many of them may not look super athletic, overall they do not have the average American body shape either. Because we learn by repetition, and because I like lists, I propose 7 Habits of Successfully Healthy People (with all due respect to Mr. Stephen Covey and his terrific book):

Habit #1: Nutrition. Eating more raw fresh foods and less processed foods will help to maintain an ideal body weight and prevent many of the most common diseases. Habit #2: Exercise. Being physically fit improves our performance, stimulates the mind, and improves our quality of life. Habit #3: Rest. Getting enough sleep and taking a day off each week decreases stress, boosts our mental function, and allows time for working on the most important relationships in our lives. Habit #4: Environment. Fresh air, sunshine, and plants all improve our health and our mood. Indoors it is best to have a clean and uncluttered space to relieve stress and improve creativity. Habit #5: Relationships. Our relationships are an important part of our lives. We need to choose healthy relationships with those in our lives who will help us grow. Let go of the relationships that hold you back. Habit #6: Mental. Our intellect and emotions can be trained and developed just like our bodies. A positive outlook improves not only our own lives, but also influences those around us. Habit #7: Spiritual. Meditation and prayer on a regular basis relieves stress and promotes hope.

It is my goal that each reader be encouraged to achieve success with a healthy lifestyle. Thank you, David, for the opportunity to talk about this important topic. If we have been able to impact even one person today, then I feel like we have been successful

About the Author

Dr. Christopher Burton is a practicing physician who specializes in Physical Medicine and Rehabilitation. He also has presented many lectures on health, nutrition, and exercise for healthcare groups, including Select Physical Therapy and Gentiva, as well as for schools such as Florida State University, Fortis, and Azusa Pacific. In 2009, he traveled to China as part of a sports medicine delegation to discuss treatment and rehabilitation of athletes with local physicians. Dr. Burton also speaks to the business community on the affects of wellness programs on employee productivity and healthcare costs. Through his involvement in local, state, and national medical organizations, Dr. Burton provides outstanding leadership in the healthcare community. He brings a wealth of knowledge and broad experiences everywhere he speaks.

CHRISTOPHER BURTON, MD PO Box 1561 Gulf Breeze, FL 32561 [email protected] www.christopherburtonmd.com

Chapter Five – 5 Big Fat Lies About Success Warren Kahn -

DAVID WRIGHT (WRIGHT) As a Senior Trainer for the More to Life International Foundation, Warren Kahn has led personal growth courses in the United States, South Africa, and New Zealand. He has a Life Coaching practice for personal as well as business applications with numerous clients around the world. As a trainer and life coach, he also led courses in the U.S. Federal Prison System. Warren retired after twenty-three years as an Associate Professor of Music at Sonoma State University in California, where he taught courses in recording, music business, songwriting, and live performance. He owns and operates his own recording studio, The Banquet, and an advertising and media production agency in partnership with his brother, called MediaSonics, where he produces and records music albums, books on tape, jingles, radio and television commercials, as well as his own song material. He has been nominated for 2 Grammy awards. He has his own music CD, called New 2 the Brain, which is available on CD Baby and iTunes. He has produced audio programs for Deepak Chopra, Wayne Dyer, Dan Millman, M. Scott Peck, and many other prominent authors and teachers. He has recorded hundreds of music albums for artists including Steven Halpern, Constance Demby, Ladysmith Black Mambazo, and many others.

KAHN Before we get start talking about success, I want to say that there are many professed truths out there about what success is and how to attain it. Growing up, I took on many of these widely held beliefs without really taking a look at what I was buying into. Fortunately, I met a great teacher who helped me discover some valuable insights that have helped me create what I would call a Successful Life. It is not my intention to lecture or make anyone wrong, but I will pull no punches in confronting some very popular modes of operation. My intention is to have people take a look at what they believe and how it is or is not working for them. What are we really after? What will sustain us with a quality life not only now but also well into the future? How does what we are doing affect our health, wealth, relationships, creativity, enjoyment? And are the fruits of our labors contributing value not only to ourselves and those we hold close, but also to the bigger circle of humanity, the planet and perhaps beyond? For me, living a well-balanced life includes equal attention to my own wants and needs, the well being of others, and attention to how I am impacting life. Thank you to Dr. Bradford Brown and the teachers along the way in the More to Life Program for giving me the keys to a successful life. www.moretolife.org. I’d like to follow each of five lies on the list with what I tell myself inside my head that in reality keeps me from living the successful and fulfilling life I truly want. Then, suggest some Alternative Ways of Thinking and Being, some Questions for Consideration as to how this might apply to your life, plus some Signs of Life- Physical Characteristics to examine the well-spring of truth that resides in your body. See if some of these widely held beliefs sound familiar to you.

WRIGHT Your title is intriguing and pulls no punches. Let’s get right to it. What is lie number one?

KAHN Big Fat Lie #1: You Have to Work Hard to Be Successful.

* After I retire, then I’ll get to relax and do what I really want. * Success doesn’t come easy. * There’s so much I have to do. * I’m exhausted, but it’ll all be worth it someday. * Everyone’s depending on me. * If I don’t make this happen, I’ll be a failure.

One thing is certain, we don’t know if we have one more breath or numerous decades left in our life on the planet. Yet have we stopped to examine the truth about whether or not these assumptions are really working? Evidence suggests that in service of so-called productivity and getting ahead, most people are stressed out and generally unhappy. Look at the number of health- related conditions, divorce rates, family dysfunction, and dissatisfaction despite the considerable time expended in the name of getting ahead. How many of us are working longer, harder, and taking our work home with us? It never stops coming. How is this working? Is it delivering on the assumed promise?

WRIGHT This is quite a start. At times we have all been caught up in that spin. What’s the alternative and how do we get there?

KAHN There are alternative ways of thinking and being:

Questions for Consideration:

* What if we were to just stop the race? * What would really happen? * Would everything fall apart? * Is it true that we have to keep going, continually ramping up the pace, the speed, and the amount? * What do you really want? * What are you after? * Where is the finish line?

For me, if I don’t have time for enjoying my life now, I cannot call this success. I suggest that success is experienced in the present moment. If there is not enough time to stop, breathe, feel, connect, love, enjoy, acknowledge, give thanks, pet the cat, or behold the beauty of our natural world, we are on an endless treadmill with an express ticket to one hellish and stressed- out life. It is absolutely fine to have goals for the future and dreams to reach and work for. I am not saying don’t work hard or with focus and dedication. I acknowledge that we have responsibilities that often require sacrifice and intense effort. I am certainly not against perseverance and sweat. I just encourage you to examine what that expended energy is serving. I applaud and ascribe to a life lived with intention, action, and purpose. And there are times when life requires stretching past our normal capacities to handle a real life situation or emergency. But when that mode of operation becomes the norm, it is time to take another look. What is your purpose? Do you have chosen purposes for your life, your career, your service in the world, your relationships, your health and well-being, internally, externally, and spiritually? These questions do have answers waiting to be discovered and embraced, but first we need to stop the race long enough to ask the questions and see what is actually happening. I am thankful for the time I took to get my priorities and purposes clarified, chosen, and incorporated into a daily action plan, which includes both “doing” and “being” priorities. The tools taught in the More to Life program are as powerful as I have seen in the world of personal growth. There is no silver bullet. It takes time to unplug years of mental/emotional software that drives us off the cliff and keeps us locked in a cycle of trying to prove our self- worth and find meaningful fulfillment in a material world of complex activity and constant change. Take a breath right now. Your body and spirit are always giving you feedback and calling for your attention. Is your tired, stressed-out body screaming “Please Stop”? Where is the pressure for performance and achievement coming from? Your parents, teachers, family, employers, or yourself? All of the above? No matter where it is coming from, the choice of a way forward is completely in your domain and power. What mark will you make in this world? What will be your legacy? Are you ready to set a new course on a journey of learning and appreciation? One that is sustainable long term? The fact that you are reading these pages right now is a good sign your answer is yes. Keep breathing . . . you are on the right path.

WRIGHT Well, that’s a lot to consider. There is so much attachment to these widely held beliefs and there are four more. What’s number two?

KAHN Big Fat Lie #2: Getting More is What It’s All About!

* When I finally make _____ amount of money, then I can have the things I want and will be happy and successful. * The one who dies with the most toys, wins. * Isn’t the main purpose in life to achieve and in doing so get more?

If your anything like me you may have noticed that when you get something new like a house or a new car, computer, cell phone, that your mind almost immediately kicks in with, if I only had gotten that one instead or did I get the right thing? Perhaps I should have spent more and gotten what I really wanted, or I should have gotten something less expensive. I splurged and made a mistake. Buyer’s remorse sets in. Comparisons ramp up; second-guessing is the bill of fare. Once again you experience dissatisfaction and you’ve just driven that car off the lot! Our society’s values ascribe to more as the way forward. Hear how entrenched the need for more speaks to us every day. Almost every advertisement screams we need whatever they are selling to be cool, happy, accepted, desired, beautiful, respected, enough. Our capitalism model dictates that economic growth must continue to expand in order for the economy to be healthy.

* Business must increase gross and net profit and higher margins. * Farmers must get more yields per acre. * Faster is better. * I have to go faster and faster to catch up with my insatiable appetite for more. * It’s never enough. * We’re never enough.

Read the news and magazines, watch television, movies, and the Internet. Who do we as a society hold up as examples of success, those we are somehow supposed to emulate and be inspired by? The “Trump” syndrome is well entrenched as a value, not only in our country but also around the world. When we as parents hold the American dream as one in which we have to leave our kids better off than we had it, what does that even mean?

Questions for Consideration:

* Where are we racing to? * Where’s the finish line? * When will we get there? * Where is “there” anyway? * When will we have, or be, enough? * Is this the real path to a successful life? Really?

WRIGHT Many of us get caught up in the race to get more. What’s the alternative and how do we unhook from these seemingly insatiable appetites?

KAHN Alternative ways of thinking and being: I suggest we start with clarifying what is the “more” we seek? Does it have to do with more things or are we really seeking connection, appreciation, true self-esteem, making a contribution and love? When was the last time you were truly satisfied, happy, and content, with no need to do more, or get more? For me, I have discovered that fulfillment can be in each moment, no matter where I am or what I am doing. Being still, riding my bike up a steep mountain, making love, or even taking out the garbage.

I am already there when I get here.

I smell my granddaughter’s hair and I am uplifted to heaven on earth. I behold the uniqueness of a human face, the pain of loss, the smells, sounds, tastes, sensations of the human experience in a world full of the greatest suffering and the most uplifting joy. I am not saying don’t have nice things. I certainly have and enjoy quite an extensive collection myself. Go ahead . . . enjoy the bounty of material possessions and activities. No problem. But if your life is being lived out in order to hit some material finish line so you can then be happy, I suggest taking another look at what you are worshiping. Unplugging years and literally thousands of messages connecting our self-esteem and self- worth to material achievement is not easy. But it can be done. Are you interested in a new way of being in that has the real potential of true satisfaction and fullness no matter how much money you make or how many awards you win? If so, there are resources available. Here are two I can strongly recommend:

www.moretolife.org www.warrenkahnlifecoaching.com

Run or stop at 100 percent. Joy is available in each moment of this journey called life. We have been gifted with an amazing body to carry us, an amazing mind with unlimited potential to create and an inspiring landscape to play in. Breathe, Feel, Choose, Create, and Give Thanks. Repeat. See what you find.

Signs of Life: Physical traits to be aware of. What’s it like in your body to be on the constant treadmill? Tired yet? What’s it like in your body when you are really living in the present and open to appreciating what is? Your body knows the difference, and you can inhabit this other state once the mind is trained and old ways of thinking and being are discarded and shifted.

WRIGHT Intriguing. What’s next?

KAHN Big Fat Lie #3: Never Surrender. Never Give Up. Never give in. Keep fighting.

* I have to be strong all the time. * I have to try harder. * I must always be in control. * Every obstacle or limit must be overcome.

The above speaks volumes. Do I really need to say more here?

WRIGHT Wow, you’ve hit another golden calf of our culture. Men are often taught not to cry, always be brave, and to try even harder as the way to be respected, appreciated, and successful. What’s the alternative?

KAHN Questions for Consideration:

* Why do you think we hold on so tightly? * What’s being in control all about? * Could it be Fear? (False Evidence Appearing Real) * Alternative ways of thinking and being:

Our desperate need to 1) know why something happens and 2) to always be in control is just an attempt to control our circumstances so that difficult or painful things can be avoided in the future. We are, after all, just mortal human beings in a world of big forces and powerful nature that constantly remind us we are not in control. What are we trying to control? Have you found the answers to questions like:

* Why do good people die? * Why do natural disasters happen? * Why do we get disease? * How come innocent children experience horrific things? * And on and on...

Well, have you been able to find the answers? Where? How do you know they are accurate? Are you at peace? What’s it like in your body when you are holding on so tightly? Having fun yet? When you have experienced being in the flow, the zone, the groove, or whatever you call it, what were the physical attributes? Likely, very present, and open. Sounds like the opposite of pressing harder to me. How about you? As a spiritual seeker, I too have sought to find the answers and meanings of life and at the same time have spent a good deal of time and energy trying to protect myself from reality. Have you, like me, found that we really can’t escape or control reality or “Life as It is”? What I have chosen as a way forward is to re-train my thinking to learn to trust life. I also choose to bring my best to whatever reality brings. That’s it. I believe that reality is how God/Life is speaking to us in every moment through what actually happens. In my trusting, I own my fear. I am human, authentic, real. Sometimes when I get scared, I lose my state of trusting. I seek to control my circumstances and assert my judgments and values on everybody and everything around me. I struggle, I resist, I complain, I accuse, I force, and I fight. Isn’t it interesting that in our culture we often call this resistance to what is happening, courage? Is that what it is? Do expressions such as: “He [or she] fought to the very end and really gave it their all.” Sound familiar? Does fighting cancer really work? What is your state when you are in the fight? How effective is all that effort and stress? I’m not really sure. But one thing I do know is that when I am in resistance, I’m stressed, anxious, tense, tight. And when I harbor that energy in my body and my spirit for extended periods of time, it creates my disease and ultimately contributes to my demise—physically, energetically, and spiritually. Wouldn’t it be a kicker to discover it is the fight that either contributes to or may even be the nature of the disease? Could it be that this resistance might feed it? Food for thought. I am not talking here about giving up. I am talking about being with what is happening, and going 100 percent for what I want, trusting the process, and even death, as a way to our spiritual evolution. Conscious trusting is what I am seeking when I say I am after spiritual mastery in my life. And when I trust, I am willing to own my fear and surrender to a much bigger force than I.

WRIGHT I understand you have an amazing story that illustrates what you have been pointing to. Will you tell it to us now?

KAHN About five years ago, I almost drowned in the Indian Ocean off South Africa, a few hundred miles East of Cape Town. I had just completed delivering three weeks of More to Life Trainings in Durban, Johannesburg, and Cape Town, and my wife, Lisa, had joined me for an additional week to vacation in the wine country and shoreline. I have been a body surfer for most of my life. I have had a lot of experience being in the ocean and was a highly trained ocean lifeguard for fourteen years during which I was involved in more than three hundred rescues on the shores of Long Island in my younger years. So it is very common for me to venture out in the ocean to ride waves. It was about 3:00 in the afternoon and no one was on the beach, as it was cloudy and windy. Lisa was reading a book on the beach in front of the bed and breakfast suite we had rented, and I was hungry to get in the water and ride some South African surf. Little did I know that up the coast, there was a typhoon developing. So out into the waves I went. I must have been riding for about twenty minutes with little result, as the waves were choppy and unformed from the wind. I decided to head in. At this time I was about two hundred yards from the beach. The moment of greatest impact emotionally was when I took a breath with my head turned to the side, and saw my body moving backward out to sea at a rapid pace. Although I was a champion swimmer and an experienced Ocean Life Guard, I was frightened to see my swimming efforts having no beach ward movement, captured in the force of a powerful rip tide. I stopped and thought for a few moments about what I knew about rip tides. Swim to the side and then you’ll be able to head toward the beach. I looked to the left and to the right, and what I saw was downright scary. The water was being sucked out to sea for at least a hundred yards on either side of me. The realization that I was at the mercy of a force much larger than I was terrifying. I also knew that I was no longer on the top of the food chain, as the waters off South Africa are inhabited by one of the largest great white shark populations in the world. What I can tell you is, I panicked. I fought. I was caught up in the battle. I couldn’t give up or I would die, my mind shouted at me. I started stroking hard and fast as the salt water made it into my mouth, I began to gag and cough and fight for breath. This struggle must have gone on for a minute or two, and then I heard from inside myself the voice of a teacher, guide, or my own wisdom saying, “Stop what you are doing! Stop! Settle down and breathe.” I stopped. I got my breath back. I brought my best thinking and wisdom to the situation. I was not going to wave my arms for rescue. I did not want to alarm my wife, as there was nothing she could do. She is not a strong swimmer. I also wanted no harm to come to anyone else who might venture out, because the person would just be joining me in his or her own life and death struggle. So I took a look at my wife reading on the beach. She appeared so small, as I was now about three hundred yards out to sea. I chose to lie on my back facing out to sea in case a rogue wave I could jump on came along that might move me back toward the beach. I breathed. I looked at the sky. I gave thanks for everything in my life. I told God/Life, I will trust you and follow you even if this is the day of my death. I surrendered to the force of life bigger than myself. I remembered all the blessings I have been gifted with throughout my life, and felt a calm and peace throughout my body. The fight was over. I wanted to live, but I would not be the creator of my own death by literally drowning myself in the struggle and panic. It was a timeless experience. Maybe five to ten minutes, maybe more, I couldn’t tell you. I decided to turn around to look toward the shore to see how far I had drifted out to sea. I turned around in the water and what I saw was unbelievable. I found myself about thirty yards from shore. And when I tried to put my feet down, I was in two feet of water. I just stood up. I looked out to sea and the water was still being sucked strongly outward. How could this be? I could not have swum that far in that short a time. How did I get to the shore? I walked to the beach where Lisa ran down to greet me, not knowing that anything had occurred. Had I just experienced a miracle? In my opinion, I’d say Yes! I listened inside and heard the voice say. “It was not your time to die. You have learned well. You trusted. Now go and teach others.” Quite a story wouldn’t you say? Somehow I was delivered to the shore when I stopped resisting. I trusted myself and life even in the face of potential death. I surrendered to a force much bigger than myself and I found peace in the midst of calamity. Strength found in the heart of fear and vulnerability. Not what we might normally think. Upon my return from South Africa, I told the story to my songwriting partner Lawrence Stoller, and we began to compose and record the song “Deliver Me.” It is on the New2theBrain CD, which is available on CD Baby and iTunes for your listening pleasure. I hope you will gift yourself with some inspiring and creative music by getting it for yourself. For a listen and a free video download you can visit: www.new2thebrain.com. Anyway, I have more to say and hope the story has meaning for you in the context of this essay. What is the lesson here? For me, it is about resistance. Martial arts masters have known for thousands of years to use force by going with it. What is gained by struggle and fighting? Sometimes surrender is not only wise but the embodiment of courage and strength. I am not saying don’t stand up for yourself, or that sometimes a fight might be necessary. What I am suggesting is that more often than not, our automatic fearful reactions, which have us resisting and struggling, often contribute to our own demise.

Questions for Consideration:

* Are you willing to take a look at your own life and see where this might be playing out? * What parts of reality are you resisting? * How is it working, really?

I will say more about the nature of fear in Big Fat Lie #5 soon.

Signs of Life: Physical traits to be aware of.

* What’s it like in your body to be consumed by fear and struggling to survive? * What’s it like in your body when you are trusting and open to life as it is?

Your body knows the difference and you can inhabit this other state once the mind is trained and old ways of thinking and being are discarded and shifted.

WRIGHT That was quite a story. There’s a lot here to consider. What’s next?

KAHN Big Fat Lie #4: Winning is Everything.

* There has to be a winner and a loser. * Losing equals failure. * Therefore, losing or failing is not an option.

I remember in an earlier time in my life going to the flea market and finding a real value— something worth $25 but selling for $2. I used to get such a charge out of crunching that seller down to $.50. Boy, did I get a deal. Really? I play at an A level in Racquetball, even at sixty-two years of age. It never ceases to amaze me how much importance we put on winning or getting a close call to go our way or how our level of enjoyment in the activity depends on whether or not we get the most points and ultimately win the game. This applies to so many aspects of our lives such as getting the promotion, being at the top of the class, getting our kids or ourselves into the best universities, flying first class, becoming a member of an elite club. And again, our material appetite is just another way of proving that we are winners. Winners drive the most prestigious cars and wear impressive jewelry and clothes. Our body image also plays into this, even to what cell phone we have and, of course, winners have the latest iPad, too! If I have all these things and get there first or win the race or the award, then I will be a winner. Hooray! I’ve won! I sure beat the pants off that guy! I kicked his ass! That rush of energy is addictive. What are we really seeking in all these strivings? I certainly don’t want to be in the loser category.

WRIGHT This attachment to winning is prevalent throughout our society, from sports, to our county’s status in the world, to our professions and even in our personal relationships. What is really going on here?

KAHN Alternative ways of thinking and being:

As a human being, I, too, have spent considerable energy striving to be perceived as better than others. If I listen to my internal mental marching orders, I find a rather loud demand to be more than enough. The implication is that somehow I am not enough. My ego demands feeding. My constant striving promises that someday I’ll finally prove myself to be good enough, to win respect, to be appreciated, to be needed, to be loved, to win the girl and live happily ever after. My hope is to someday find peace, inside and out. All of the driven activity is about proving my value. An easy way to do that is to put somebody else down—to look better than someone else. At least I’m better than they are!

Questions for Consideration:

* Do these activities ever prove our worth? * Are we ever enough no matter how many times we win?

Fair enough, we live in a material world, constantly being bombarded with messaging that suggests or even demands we change, improve, or purchase and by doing so promising to deliver us to a state of happiness by being cooler, faster, smarter, wealthier, indispensable, and ultimately, successful. But what does it really get us? From my perspective and experience it keeps us locked in a constant state of dissatisfaction, striving, feeling driven, and a cup low on coolness. It generates jealousy, arrogance, separation from others, exhaustion, and being constantly out of breath. Sound worth it? Keep it up for another three to four decades and see where you end up. All those trophies will fit nicely in your coffin. Well done. I am not saying that striving to improve, win a game, get the promotion, or have nice things is wrong. If you have ever seen me on a racquetball court I am very competitive. I enjoy the hunt, the game, making a winning shot, and even winning the game. But I unhooked from needing to win the game. I celebrate my opponent’s results as well as my own. My self-esteem is not attached to any of these outcomes or any mentioned above. So how will you unplug from this endless driven state to win at all costs? Again, just reading about it will not likely get it unhinged. The most effective tools I use are in the offerings from the More to Life program. And they need to be used on an ongoing basis—there is no one-shot solution. Please rest assured, it can be done.

Signs of Life: Physical traits to be aware of.

* What’s it like in your body when you don’t win, get the award, the promotion, or any other disappointment you strive for? Depressed? * What’s it like in your body when you really celebrate both your wins and losses? * When you allow yourself to be surprised by life’s outcomes and take a longer-term view of life’s constant unfolding, you might experience a moment of Ahhhhhhhh.

Your body knows the difference, and you can inhabit this other state once the mind is trained and old ways of thinking and being are discarded and shifted.

WRIGHT And there’s even more? I’m ready for #5.

KAHN Big Fat Lie #5

* To be successful human beings, We Must Conquer Our Fear. * Vulnerability is Weakness. * Never Let Them See You Sweat.

There is a lot of agreement about the benefits of being strong. Our society admires courage. I, too, admire courage and strength in the face of fearful circumstances. No disagreement there. However, there are many presenting personalities that like to call themselves strong that look to me like a false cover to hide enormous fear and beliefs about weakness.

Questions for Consideration:

* Is being afraid and vulnerable something to be avoided at all costs? * What is Fear?

We touched on this in an earlier part of this chapter regarding resistance and never giving up. But there is even more here to discover and consider—the very nature of fear and how it can either serve us, protect us, feed us wisdom about our environment or the circumstance we find ourselves in, or trap us in predictions of doom and gloom that create monsters where there are none. Being able to determine which is which would be a valuable asset, don’t you think?

WRIGHT Tell me more.

KAHN Alternative Ways of Thinking and Being; We are born into this world with some built-in survival mechanisms: flinching, knee-jerk reactions, physical sensations to heat and pain, adrenaline rushes, and fight-or-flight reactions. These mechanisms have contributed to our survival as a species, and could be framed as a gift from the original designer to us, to help keep us alive. Does this make sense? As we grow throughout our lives, we witness and are continuously reminded of the many dangers that are all around us: disease, injury, hurt, violence, financial loss, rejection, war, weather, suffocation, drowning, car accidents, rape, molestation, and on and on. We can see this just watching the news. Even the music themes communicate danger and impending disaster, certainly situations I had better find out about or I won’t survive. Just listen the next time you tune in to CNN or other news shows. I understand this may be good for ratings, as you are driven to pay attention. Danger is a good motivator for us to tune in with full attention and heightened senses. And always on the horizon, not far from our emotions and thinking, is the ultimate unknown—death. Is it any wonder why many of us are so afraid? If you are anything like me, you vacillate between trusting and fear. We’ve all seen the bumper stickers and t-shirts that say “No Fear.” Have you noticed the places where these messages are displayed? Typically they’re on the biggest, baddest four-wheel drive monster truck you’ve ever seen, or worn by a human being often trying to look very mean. Is it as obvious to you as it is to me that those claiming “no fear” are often the most frightened when you get beneath the armor? In fact, what’s the armor for, if not protection from perceived danger? The message is really “back off and don’t try anything with me or I’ll crush you into dust.” Your fear may not be that obvious. Some of us are much more subtle in our protection methodology. It might look more like being polite or not saying what we are thinking or feeling, or avoiding confrontation. After all, confrontation is messy. That we should “suppress our anger” is a popularly held belief. But does it really work? Just take a moment to reflect on the last time you withheld what you wanted to say to someone because you were afraid of what would happen, or you wanted to make sure he or she didn’t get hurt feelings. We’ve all done it, including me. But does that really serve us in our relationships, or in our spiritual evolution as a species? Fear is a human, mortal, part of life. I think it exists to give us the grindstone to rub up against in order for us to evolve from fearful to trusting. Polishing. What a dance. What a design.

It is not about not having fear. It is about the fear not having you.

Do you get the difference? When you are fearful, do you own it? Express it? Once you own it, do you wallow in it? Indulge it? I take the time to express my negativity and fear proactively and have many techniques from the More to Life Program to handle this and many other challenges that are part of being a human being on this journey called Life. The alternative state to fear will require trust or for those of you who believe in God, faith. There is however a significant difference between blind faith and choosing to be faithful even when we are scared. So, what motivation is driving you in each moment? Are you being real, living truthfully, humanly, openly, including owning being afraid? It’s a choice. But how will we know what is driving our being at any moment, and whether we are in a state of Trust and Faith, or Fear? Here’s some really good news! You can absolutely know which state you are in. The gauge is built in. Your body will tell you. Just take stock of how you feel physically—what are you experiencing, what are your physical sensations and emotions? They will either have the quality of Trust and Faith (open and grounded) or Fear (tight, nervous, irritated). Take a breath and feel into your body right now. What are you feeling? What are the physical sensations? Your body is always telling you. Even if you are so numbed out you can no longer feel, do you get numbness is a fear-driven state? You are either afraid to feel in order to avoid pain, or trying to stay in control. Many of us have been taught to control our emotions. But does it really work? When you are tight on the grip of your emotional expression, I suggest you are in Fear once again. Sorry. Trust or Fear? As you become more self-aware, you can become more masterful at living. It is always a choice to feel your fear, discern what is real, and choose a way forward. Stepping forward when you are downright scared is an act of true courage in my opinion. To be all I truly am on this journey, no matter what is happening, delivers me to my true self and has me bringing my best to life. Want in?

Signs of Life: Physical traits to be aware of.

* What’s it like in your body when you are trying to hide your fear at all costs? * Where does that emotional residue reside? * What’s it like in your body when you tell the truth, shaky knees and all?

When you are willing to take the walls down and inhabit your humanity including your vulnerability, something lets go. I often hear a lot about relief from those who take this step, also a sense of coming home. Have you tried it? Your body knows the difference, and you can inhabit this other state once the mind is trained and old ways of thinking and being are discarded and shifted.

WRIGHT You have stated a number of times that to make these shifts requires some deep personal work and continued maintenance. Perhaps you can remind us of where we can go to learn and incorporate practices that will deliver us to a more fulfilled and successful life.

KAHN Yes, David, this kind of learning requires more than just reading about it. To have a real experience of what I have been speaking about, check out the More to Life.org website to avail yourself to taking some very powerful More to Life experiential courses. www.moretolife.org If you seek some one-on-one or couple’s life coaching, visit my Life Coaching website: www.warrenkahnlifecoaching.com. I want to acknowledge Dr. Bradford Brown, Dr. Roy Whitten and many other trainers, leaders and students for their wisdom, insights, and guidance in developing the extraordinary More to Life Program, an educational foundation, which continues to impact so many around the world.

WRIGHT Any closing words?

KAHN So what has letting go of all these lies got to do with living a sustainable, joyful, and successful life? I’d say everything. Thank you for the opportunity to share some extremely valuable knowledge that was gifted to me along the way by so many other wise and generous souls.

WRIGHT Thank you, Warren.

About the Author

Warren Kahn is a Senior Trainer for the More to Life International Foundation, where he has led personal growth courses in the United States, South Africa, New Zealand, as well as programs in the U.S. Federal Prison System. His Life Coaching practice, Warren Kahn Life Coaching, with applications for both personal and business, serves numerous clients from around the world. Warren retired after twenty-three years as Associate Professor of Music at Sonoma State University in California. He owns and operates his own recording studio, The Banquet, where he has recorded hundreds of music albums for artists like Steven Halpern, and audio programs for Deepak Chopra, Wayne Dyer, Dan Millman, M. Scott Peck, and many other prominent authors and teachers. He has been nominated for two Grammy awards. He has his own music CD called New 2 the Brain, which is available on CD Baby, and iTunes. www.new2thebrain.com. He also is a principle partner in an advertising and media production agency, MediaSonics, where he produces videos, jingles, and radio and television commercials. Warren has been happily married for twenty-three years to his best friend, Lisa. Their son, Jeremiah, and his best friend and wife, Keeli, are proud parents of two little girls, Nicoya and Laila. He and Lisa love being grandparents! Warren enjoys road biking, racquetball, bodysurfing, scuba diving, and has competed in four triathlons. Lisa and Warren are also the proud owners of a tandem bicycle, which they enjoy riding through the vineyards of Northern California.

WARREN KAHN Life Coach and Human Development Trainer 5870 McFarland Rd Sebastopol, CA 95472 707-322-7449 [email protected] www.warrenkahnlifecoaching.com www.moretolife.org

Chapter Six – Success is Internal Michelle DeBerge -

DAVID WRIGHT (WRIGHT) Today I’m talking with Michelle DeBerge. Michelle is a professionally trained, nationally recognized, life coach and motivational speaker. She specializes in helping clients tap into their passion, clear their roadblocks, define their purpose, and design the life of their dreams. After a life-changing incident, Michelle embarked on a profound odyssey of personal growth, drawing power from the Law of Attraction and relying heavily on her skills as a life coach. She completely transformed her life and confirmed that her passion is helping others do the same. Michelle believes that following our passions will result in the magic of manifestation and with that, anything is possible. Michelle, welcome to Stepping Stones to Success.

MICHELLE DEBERGE (DEBERGE) Thank you so much for having me.

WRIGHT How has your definition of success changed over the years?

DEBERGE Elementary school was really awful. I was smart and got good grades, but I got teased—big time. The kids called me “bird brain” and threw rocks at me; they even made up a song about “bird brain.” I dreaded the breaks between classes and spent my lunch hour hiding in the library reading and daydreaming about my future and how successful I would become. In my imagination, I’d return to my very small home town in New Mexico in my own private jet, which would land on Main Street right in front of the Piggly Wiggly grocery store. I imagined the commotion it would cause as my plane got lower and lower. People would jump out of the way as I taxied down the street. I could see them running for the sidewalks, chickens flying in the air, dogs barking. As I taxied to a stop I could see that a large crowd had gathered. Then the back of the jet would open and I would back out my British Racing Green Jaguar with gold wheel rims, and I’d drive slowly through town. I’d hear astonished gasps as people recognized me. My old school mates would see how successful I’d become, and remember how they’d tortured me. I’d drive back into the plane without a word and fly away. You see, at that point in my life, I saw success as being something that others would recognize, envy, and acknowledge. It was about expensive material items—it was a tool to create envy. Success would vindicate me and make me feel powerful. Now, I see success as something more internal. It’s being a good person—kind and generous. It is also being balanced in work, play, family, and spirit. Most of all, I see success as being able to walk your talk at all times. Instead of looking for recognition outside of myself, I look inside to see if I am doing all I can and being all I am meant to be.

WRIGHT What steps do you think people should take on their path to success?

DEBERGE There are four steps people need to take on their path to success: 1) self-reflection, 2) personal growth work, 3) letting go of bad habits and, 4) healing old wounds. To be successful, we need to begin with internal work. The first step is self-reflection and taking a deep inventory of who you are as a person—how you show up in the world and how you treat others. This is a time to be honest and to see if there are things that are not working for you, things you are ready to change, and things that you want to let go of. This is also a good time to notice if the persona you show the world is in alignment with who you are at your core. It’s very important to do your personal growth work. This is where you make the big changes that help you continue to grow. You learn new tools so you can do things differently and start to get the outcomes you desire. You learn communication skills that will help you connect better to others. You’ll begin to heal any old wounds. The healing is critical. The more I acquired new tools and did my healing, the better and easier my life became. And I’m still learning and growing. Letting go of bad habits can take a little more work than you might expect. Sometimes we don’t even know we have them until we do self-reflection. Bad habits cause us to shortchange ourselves, take the easy way out, and allow us to not do what we should do. Bad habits sabotage our success and make it difficult to have the life we want. Here’s an example: you and your friend are talking about something you’re really interested in. Your friend is telling you her opinion. But instead of listening, you’re thinking of what you want to say next. That stops you from learning, connecting, and being appreciated. Without doing the internal work, you can’t be completely whole and true and you’re going to trip up. Once you’re well into the healing process, you need to get the tools you need— continuing education, mentors, books by people who inspire you. These will help you toward success. And one more thing: you need to surround yourself with people who support you. I don’t believe you can be successful all by yourself; you need a team. You need to be part of a supportive community. Once you’ve done your four steps and you connect to spirit, you’re ready for the path to success. Connecting to spirit is a very important piece of who I am and why things work so well for me. Spirit is about connecting to something bigger than we are. During difficult times I ask for strength, and on days like today, I say my gratitudes. I like to start my day feeling connected to spirit and setting my daily intention. It is much easier to do this after working on the four steps.

WRIGHT The role of a life coach is so close and personal, how do you help guide others to success as a life coach? DEBERGE I really enjoy being a life coach and am honored when a client chooses to work with me. The relationship between my client and me is personal, supportive, confidential, and motivational. It’s based on trust. My clients come to me because something in their life is not working, or they’re having trouble reaching a goal. My clients want to be successful in business and in the rest of their life. The first things I look at with them are their habits. Many of us have habits that hold us back or sabotage us and we don’t even know it. My job as a coach is to help my clients identify and replace those habits with new tools that will serve them better. I look at their daily life and their balance between body, mind, and spirit. If the balance is out of sync, they’ll be unable to achieve success. I teach them how to achieve what they’re lacking and get the skills they need to move forward. Then it’s easy to guide them toward success. I make sure they have attainable goals, and I help them set more. Success doesn’t come overnight—it takes work and dedication. I ask my clients to commit to a minimum three-month time frame to get the results they desire. Once they begin to see some success, they begin to trust their instincts and themselves. It is a really beautiful and exciting process, and I’m honored to guide them through it. Let me tell you about one of my clients. She is a highly successful businesswoman in her mid forties, having worked in her field since graduating from college. From the outside, her life looked very successful. She owned a beautiful home, drove a great car, had a wonderful wardrobe, traveled the world on her vacations, had a lot of friends, and a huge social life. She was popular, easy to be around, and a lot of fun. She was always smiling and seemed very happy. She came to me because she was ready to find a life partner. She worked all the time and didn’t date much; she realized she did not want to live the rest of her life single. She also wanted to work on her personal growth. She had come to realize that she would feel better and become more productive and happier by doing her internal work. The first thing I looked at was her schedule and daily habits. She did a lot of work from her home office and didn’t have healthy boundaries about the time she spent there. I gave her a first assignment: she was to wait an hour every morning before going onto her computer. I could tell she was nervous about the assignment. She kept asking me what she should do in that hour. Her lesson was to be able to spend time with herself and listen to herself, not just jump out of bed, grab coffee, and run to the computer. Having this “empty” hour was a challenge for her, so she borrowed the neighbor’s dog and went for a morning walk. This became a routine that helped her get fit, and her personal confidence went way up. Her second assignment was to take herself out on a date. No cell phone or books were allowed. This assignment also caused her a lot of stress. She even pulled to the side of the road one afternoon to call and talk to me about the assignment. She was really nervous about it. She finally did it the night before her next session with me. She took herself to dinner and a movie, and she chose to see a type of movie she would not normally see. And she enjoyed herself! She learned to treat herself the way she wanted to be treated. Eventually, she learned to meditate, she kept a journal, and she connected with her spirit and inner wisdom. She learned to appreciate herself for who she was and was meant to be. With each assignment came breakthroughs and success. She used the same successful attitude that helped her in her work to change her personal life. Months later she works fewer hours, has more free time, has lost weight and gotten healthy, is dating, and just redid her living room to reflect her new life. Now she is successful in business, in her personal life, and in her spirituality.

WRIGHT You know, a wise man told me many years ago that everything can be defined by its characteristics. He went on to say that if I were green and loved the water and liked to sit on lily pads and said “ribbet ribbet” all day that chances are I’d be a frog. So what characteristics do you think a successful person should possess?

DEBERGE A successful person walks his or her talk. That is absolutely necessary. I don’t respect people who say one thing and do another. Integrity and accountability are two other characteristics that make up a successful person. Many years ago I was in a difficult job where my coworkers kept taking credit for my work. That made me very upset. One day my boss told me something that changed my perspective of life. He told me that when things got difficult, I should make sure my side of the street was clean. He said that even though I couldn’t control how others managed their streets, everything would work out if I took care of mine. That’s as true today as it was then. A successful person knows what needs to be done and how to do it with integrity. That means doing it even if it’s hard and no one ever notices. A successful person does not take the easy way out—he or she will work hard and honestly to do what needs to be done. Successful people are accountable to themselves and to others. One of my mentors told me never to over-promise but to over-deliver as often as possible. When I say I can do something, I’m sure it’s something I can do. If I can do more, that’s a bonus. I don’t make promises I can’t keep. The fourth characteristic of a successful person is courage. Something may be difficult or challenging, or might even be scary, but if it’s in your best interest, you need to go ahead and do it. Here is a story that illustrates what I’m talking about. I was telling a friend of mine about a social event I had attended the week before. I shared with him that I had been very nervous about going because I only knew one person, I didn’t have the proper attire with me, and I sometimes felt overwhelmed in large groups, especially if I didn’t know the other people. I shared how I got dressed up, borrowed my sister’s purse, and went, despite being scared. I had to walk down a long flight of steep stairs that went from the top of a hill to the beach where the event was. I started to sweat and felt my newly fixed hair begin to fall. My stomach was doing flips and my judgmental inner voice was making a catalog of everything that could go wrong. Despite it all, I kept going down the stairs. I got to the bottom and looked around. I was in a crowd of people who knew each other and I didn’t know them. But, as I told my friend, by the end of the evening I had had a wonderful time, made new friends, and enjoyed myself. My friend said, “Well, I’m happy it worked out for you, but it just sounds horrible. You were all nervous and scared. Why would you put yourself into that situation if it was that difficult for you?” I told him that if I let a little fear or nerves stop me from doing things, I could miss out on something wonderful. By being brave and pushing past my comfort zone, I got over my fear and nerves, and the rewards were great. In short, successful people walk their talk, are accountable, have integrity, and are courageous. They are leaders, inventors, dreamers, and teachers. They blaze new paths and try new things. They don’t need or seek outside approbation or vindication. They do what they do because that’s who they are.

WRIGHT Why is it important to you to help others find their purpose and success?

DEBERGE It is important for me to help others find their purpose and success because I know how good it feels to find the light, and I know how hard it is. I always knew my purpose was to help others, but for a long time I wasn’t sure how to tie my passion to success. I tried several careers and worked fifty to sixty hours a week thinking that might bring me success. But I was miserable. I was in a bad relationship and life wasn’t that great. Since I was taking my sweet time figuring out how to move forward, the universe decided to wake me up. Six years ago my live-in boyfriend of eleven years beat me. He broke all my ribs and cracked my skull in three places. I had a brain bleed for weeks and blood clots down my arms. The doctor told me I was lucky to be alive. I vividly remember looking down at my body while I was being beaten and praying that I was not done yet. A dear friend and mentor called me while I was recovering at home. During our conversation, she gave me the most important message of my life. She told me that I was now in choice—I could continue to live the way I had been living or I could create the life of my dreams. I lay there in bed and got very angry at what she had said. I felt that I was definitely not in choice. Things were happening to me. I could not breathe easily, sit up, or even go to the restroom alone. How the heck was I in choice? I kept going over and over that conversation in my head for days. I was comfortable being the complete victim. But one day I was feeling very frustrated with myself. I thought more about what she had said and, finally, had a huge “ah-ha! moment.” She was right—I could choose. And I started right that minute. I decided to quit feeling sorry for myself. I knew I could do whatever I wanted with the rest of my life. On that day I chose to change my life and follow my dreams. I knew I wanted more love, abundance, joy, travel, and adventure in my life. That was as specific as I could think right then, and it wasn’t very specific, but it was exactly what I got. My life continued to get better and better and the more that I asked for, the more I received. I accepted the fact that I had choice and my life changed tremendously. Now, choice is the premise of my life, and what I teach others. I had been working as a case manager for mentally ill offenders. I worked long, hard hours, in and out of jail. I was always surrounded by negative energy and that was no longer what I wanted. One evening as I left the jail, I noticed the sunset. I sat on a wall watching it and realized I had missed another day. The next morning I quit my job. I told my boss I was going to spend two weeks tying up my cases and then I’d pass them on. Next, I would use all of my sick and vacation days until my contract with the county was up. I had been doing a lot of personal growth work over the preceding fifteen years—scores of workshops, classes, reading books, listening to CDs, meditation, and more. The work had inspired me to become a professional life coach. Finally, about three years prior to this time, I had graduated from a well-known coaching school. Now, I told my boss that I was going to open my own practice. He asked me, “Do you have a backup plan?” I told him “No.” He tried to reason with me but I knew that I was ready to help others who were ready to get help. I was really ready! It is my passion to help others find their purpose and success. I am constantly amazed at how life unfolds if you are following your purpose. Things are easy, opportunities come to you, and you feel fulfilled and happy. It’s amazing what you can actually create; we are in choice of our destiny here—we can choose. I want other people to feel the way I do. I want them to wake up excited. I want them to be doing what they want to be doing such as traveling where they want to travel, creating what they want to create, because it’s such a fun and exciting way to live, and it’s powerful. I’m making a positive difference in the world. Who wouldn’t want that?

WRIGHT So how did you get started on your personal path of personal growth and success?

DEBERGE It started accidentally. I was invited to a fundraiser for an organization called Challenge Day, and, to be perfectly honest, I went because it was a free lunch. I got dressed up and went to the Fairmont Hotel on Union Square. Little did I know that the free lunch was going to change the rest of my life! I sat in the ballroom and watched videos about the organization and how it changed lives around the world. I cried the entire time. I was so touched by the community; I didn’t know that this much love and happiness existed. I had a lot of baggage and scars at the time. Challenge Day offered a three-day workshop for adults that was scheduled for a couple of weeks later. The friend who took me to the fundraiser dared me to go. So I went. I remember one of the leaders telling me, “This is a choice, you can choose. This is what the real world looks like or you can live in your world.” I went back for more workshops and started healing my past and letting go of resentment and pain. I learned about forgiveness, and that was huge—just knowing I could let go and heal. And as I began to forgive, the healing came naturally and my life started to change, I started to be happier and I started to be stronger. It was while I was watching the founders of that organization, Rich and Yvonne Dutra St. John, lead a workshop that I thought: “I want to do what they do. I want to touch people’s hearts. I want to help them heal. I want to help them change their lives like my life has changed.” Challenge Day works mostly with children in schools but I wanted to work with adults because my transformation was as an adult. Many people out there have had rough pasts and rough childhoods and think that their lives can’t get better. But that’s not true—your life can totally change. I want to give back and I want people to have the opportunity that I’ve had to change their life and to live in joy and live in light. I was very fortunate to have started with Challenge Day and I’m still involved with the organization. It gave me a ferocious appetite for personal growth work. That is when I started listening to motivational speakers and attending many different workshops. I discovered what my message was and who I am, so I went to life coaching school and graduated. I just really love what I do.

WRIGHT So what is your message that you wanted us to know?

DEBERGE My message is a message of hope, courage, passion, and determination. It’s a message about having the courage to make choices in your life and being determined to follow your passion so that you can find your purpose. I want people to know that it’s possible to design your life, and that they don’t have to do it alone. I didn’t do my work alone and I’m here to help.

WRIGHT So what drives you to be successful?

DEBERGE The wonderful feeling I have when I wake up every day and get to do what I want to do— help people heal, grow, and be successful. I get to make my schedule, to decide where I’m going and what I’m doing, who I’m seeing, what I want to learn next, and the people I help. The more I learn, the more I want to learn, and that’s part of my success—my continuing education. There are always different modalities of healing, so many different ways to go about the process, and I’m always eager to learn new ways to help people. Also, I’m not in ego. You can’t heal from there. You have to come from joy and excitement. I’m determined to help others, and when I help someone, I’ve done my job. It’s just that simple. Being successful means I’ve reached somebody and helped that person change his or her life. Now the person is feeling the way I do every morning, which is pretty darn excited about what the day is going to bring. That’s what drives me. When I get a note from someone saying he or she implemented something I’d suggested, or that the person read what I wrote and had been touched by my words, or helped to make a good decision, well, that’s the icing on the cake. I had a birthday in May and my Facebook page went crazy. My sister and I were lying on my bed crying as we read what people were posting to me. They wrote me notes, sang me songs, and even made videos for me. Almost everyone thanked me for lessons they learned from me. And these were people I’d never met, never corresponded with. I’d never even heard their names. I had no idea so many people were so inspired by my Facebook posts, my blog, and my inspirational newsletter. It’s an amazing feeling to touch someone’s heart.

WRIGHT So what about balance? How do you find balance in your life?

DEBERGE I get really very about the topic of balance since I teach work/life balance. I like to enjoy life—I don’t mind working hard but I know I have to make time for spirit, for family, and for play. That’s extremely important. Here’s an example: I just came back from a couple of months in Mexico. My family lives there. While I was there, I made sure my time was balanced—I worked very hard in the morning and played at the beach in the afternoon. Or I’d write for two days and then go to the beach on day three. It is a constant exercise to keep the balance in my life. One of the reasons I teach it is because I still occasionally have a hard time with it. I find I work too much or play too much. And when there is not balance in my life, I get worn out and nothing works well. But we have to be realistic! For instance, I tend to wander. When I’m pondering something I will wander away from my desk. It’s not a terrific way to work, but it’s me, so I even put wander time into my schedule! We all have to take into account our strengths and weaknesses and make room for them. I was told that if a ship runs off course by only one degree it could end up thousands of miles away from its destination. It’s the exact same way with your life. If you get off course—if you’re not taking care of your body, mind, and spirit, if you don’t have a support system, if you’re not being nurtured—you’re going to burn out, spend a lot of time alone, and be pretty unhappy. But if you indulge in all the good stuff and don’t do your work, you’re going to end up unhappy as well. You need to find balance. Does that make sense?

WRIGHT Absolutely. So what makes your perspective unique?

DEBERGE My perspective is unique because I’ve been there, I’ve done it, I’ve seen it, I’ve experienced it. I’d say that most of the time I’ve had a similar experience to that of my clients and I can completely relate and empathize at a heart level. My clients can ask me anything and I will tell them the truth. I truly am an open book. My life is my life—I have made the choices I have made and I have had bad things happen to me but I don’t feel shame, because those experiences made me who I am today. You can see that I am walking my talk and continuing to grow. I’m human. I suffer from the human condition. I make mistakes and endure setbacks, but I stay present with whatever is going on. I process it, learn from it, and share what I learn so that others can connect and say, “Oh you did that, too! Wow, me too. Okay, now what do I do?” The only real difference between my clients and me is that I have the tools and the techniques to help people heal, move forward, and become successful. But those tools are available to everyone. Again, this process is not rocket science—anyone can do it.

WRIGHT Any big time plans for the future?

DEBERGE Yes, and I am very excited. I’m so honored to have a chapter in this book, and it’s inspired me to line up public speaking dates and produce live events more often. I have also created some new programs and classes for my clients. One of them is called “How to Embody the Characteristics of Your Hero.” It’s an opportunity to identify or revisit characteristics and behaviors that are important and that people would want to emulate. I have also planned classes on creating community, relationship communication, core values, working with your saboteur, goal setting, and much more. I’m looking forward to helping more people and touching them at the heart level, helping them let go of their past, and helping them heal. I want to guide them toward their own personal success. That’s why I work as hard as I do. I am dedicated to helping other people.

WRIGHT Well, I wish you the best in that—it’s a great passion. I’ve enjoyed our conversation and I appreciate the time you’ve taken with me this afternoon to answer all these questions.

DEBERGE Thank you so much for having me, I really appreciate it.

WRIGHT Today I have been talking with Michelle DeBerge. Michelle is a life coach and motivational speaker. She specializes in helping clients tap into their passions to clear the roadblocks and to define their purpose and design the life of their dreams. I think she’s going to be extremely good at it, at least I’m listening to her. Michelle, thank you so much for being with us today on Stepping Stones to Success.

DEBERGE Thank you.

About the Author

Michelle DeBerge is a professionally trained Life Coach specializing in Life Redesign. She is a Motivational Speaker and Best Selling author who has been locally and nationally recognized for her work. She inspires audiences and clients with her real, raw and down-to-earth stories (including her own personal story) of struggle, rebirth and growth. Michelle believes that authenticity has been her biggest key to success and strives to teach this to others. Ms. DeBerge has been featured on variety of media outlets including on CNBC, Women of Power Radio Station, The Simple Truth TV, The San Francisco Business Times and over 300 news agencies. Michelle has over 15 years experience in Coaching, Leadership and Motivation. Her passion lies in creating a community of healing, growth and support to a global audience. She is a graduate of The Coaches Training Institute in San Rafael California and an alumnus of The Elemental Women's Leadership Program along with having studied along side some of the world's top Workshop Leaders. Her compelling personal story, in conjunction with her ongoing education in the Coaching and Motivational field are what set her apart from other Life Coaches and give her an enhanced ability to offer more than standard results.

MICHELLE DEBERGE MichelleDeBerge.Com 488 Ignacio Boulevard, #261 Novato, CA 94949 415-382-8725 [email protected] www.MichelleDeBerge.Com

Chapter Seven – Find a Mentor and Believe in Your Dreams Jack Canfield -

DAVID WRIGHT (WRIGHT) Today we are talking with Jack Canfield. You probably know him as the founder and co- creator of the New York Times number one bestselling Chicken Soup for the Soul book series. As of 2006 there are sixty-five titles and eighty million copies in print in over thirty-seven languages. Jack’s background includes a BA from Harvard, a master’s from the University of Massachusetts, and an Honorary Doctorate from the University of Santa Monica. He has been a high school and university teacher, a workshop facilitator, a psychotherapist, and a leading authority in the area of self-esteem and personal development. Jack Canfield, welcome to Stepping Stones to Success.

JACK CANFIELD (CANFIELD) Thank you, David. It’s great to be with you.

WRIGHT When I talked with Mark Victor Hansen, he gave you full credit for coming up with the idea of the Chicken Soup series. Obviously it’s made you an internationally known personality. Other than recognition, has the series changed you personally and if so, how?

CANFIELD I would say that it has and I think in a couple of ways. Number one, I read stories all day long of people who’ve overcome what would feel like insurmountable obstacles. For example, we just did a book Chicken Soup for the Unsinkable Soul. There’s a story in there about a single mother with three daughters. She contracted a disease and she had to have both of her hands and both of her feet amputated. She got prosthetic devices and was able to learn how to use them. She could cook, drive the car, brush her daughters’ hair, get a job, etc. I read that and I thought, “God, what would I ever have to complain and whine and moan about?” At one level it’s just given me a great sense of gratitude and appreciation for everything I have and it has made me less irritable about the little things. I think the other thing that’s happened for me personally is my sphere of influence has changed. By that I mean I was asked, for example, some years ago to be the keynote speaker to the Women’s Congressional Caucus. The Caucus is a group that includes all women in America who are members of Congress and who are state senators, governors, and lieutenant governors. I asked what they wanted me to talk about—what topic. “Whatever you think we need to know to be better legislators,” was the reply. I thought, “Wow, they want me to tell them about what laws they should be making and what would make a better culture.” Well, that wouldn’t have happened if our books hadn’t come out and I hadn’t become famous. I think I get to play with people at a higher level and have more influence in the world. That’s important to me because my life purpose is inspiring and empowering people to live their highest vision so the world works for everybody. I get to do that on a much bigger level than when I was just a high school teacher back in Chicago.

WRIGHT I think one of the powerful components of that book series is that you can read a positive story in just a few minutes and come back and revisit it. I know my daughter has three of the books and she just reads them interchangeably. Sometimes I go in her bedroom and she’ll be crying and reading one of them. Other times she’ll be laughing, so they really are “chicken soup for the soul,” aren’t they?

CANFIELD They really are. In fact we have four books in the Teenage Soul series now and a new one coming out at the end of this year. I have a son who’s eleven and he has a twelve-year-old friend who’s a girl. We have a new book called Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul and the Tough Stuff. It’s all about dealing with parents’ divorces, teachers who don’t understand you, boyfriends who drink and drive, and other issues pertinent to that age group. I asked my son’s friend, “Why do you like this book?” (It’s our most popular book among teens right now.) She said, “You know, whenever I’m feeling down I read it and it makes me cry and I feel better. Some of the stories make me laugh and some of the stories make me feel more responsible for my life. But basically I just feel like I’m not alone.” One of the people I work with recently said that the books are like a support group between the covers of a book—you can read about other peoples’ experiences and realize you’re not the only one going through something.

WRIGHT Jack, we’re trying to encourage people in our audience to be better, to live better, and be more fulfilled by reading about the experiences of our writers. Is there anyone or anything in your life that has made a difference for you and helped you to become a better person?

CANFIELD Yes, and we could do ten books just on that. I’m influenced by people all the time. If I were to go way back I’d have to say one of the key influences in my life was Jesse Jackson when he was still a minister in Chicago. I was teaching in an all black high school there and I went to Jesse Jackson’s church with a friend one time. What happened for me was that I saw somebody with a vision. (This was before Martin Luther King was killed and Jesse was of the lieutenants in his organization.) I just saw people trying to make the world work better for a certain segment of the population. I was inspired by that kind of visionary belief that it’s possible to make change. Later on, John F. Kennedy was a hero of mine. I was very much inspired by him. Another is a therapist by the name of Robert Resnick. He was my therapist for two years. He taught me a little formula: E + R = O. It stands for Events + Response = Outcome. He said, “If you don’t like your outcomes quit blaming the events and start changing your responses.” One of his favorite phrases was, “If the grass on the other side of the fence looks greener, start watering your own lawn more.” I think he helped me get off any kind of self-pity I might have had because I had parents who were alcoholics. It would have been very easy to blame them for problems I might have had. They weren’t very successful or rich; I was surrounded by people who were and I felt like, “God, what if I’d had parents like they had? I could have been a lot better.” He just got me off that whole notion and made me realize that the hand you were dealt is the hand you’ve got to play. Take responsibility for who you are and quit complaining and blaming others and get on with your life. That was a turning point for me. I’d say the last person who really affected me big-time was a guy named W. Clement Stone who was a self-made multi-millionaire in Chicago. He taught me that success is not a four-letter word—it’s nothing to be ashamed of—and you ought to go for it. He said, “The best thing you can do for the poor is not be one of them.” Be a model for what it is to live a successful life. So I learned from him the principles of success and that’s what I’ve been teaching now for more than thirty years.

WRIGHT He was an entrepreneur in the insurance industry, wasn’t he?

CANFIELD He was. He had combined insurance. When I worked for him he was worth 600 million dollars and that was before the dot.com millionaires came along in Silicon Valley. He just knew more about success. He was a good friend of Napoleon Hill (author of Think and Grow Rich) and he was a fabulous mentor. I really learned a lot from him.

WRIGHT I miss some of the men I listened to when I was a young salesman coming up and he was one of them. Napoleon Hill was another one as was Dr. Peale. All of their writings made me who I am today. I’m glad I had that opportunity.

CANFIELD One speaker whose name you probably will remember, Charlie “Tremendous” Jones, says, “Who we are is a result of the books we read and the people we hang out with.” I think that’s so true and that’s why I tell people, “If you want to have high self-esteem, hang out with people who have high self-esteem. If you want to be more spiritual, hang out with spiritual people.” We’re always telling our children, “Don’t hang out with those kids.” The reason we don’t want them to is because we know how influential people are with each other. I think we need to give ourselves the same advice. Who are we hanging out with? We can hang out with them in books, cassette tapes, CDs, radio shows, and in person.

WRIGHT One of my favorites was a fellow named Bill Gove from Florida. I talked with him about three or four years ago. He’s retired now. His mind is still as quick as it ever was. I thought he was one of the greatest speakers I had ever heard. What do you think makes up a great mentor? In other words, are there characteristics that mentors seem to have in common?

CANFIELD I think there are two obvious ones. I think mentors have to have the time to do it and the willingness to do it. I also think they need to be people who are doing something you want to do. W. Clement Stone used to tell me, “If you want to be rich, hang out with rich people. Watch what they do, eat what they eat, dress the way they dress—try it on.” He wasn’t suggesting that you give up your authentic self, but he was pointing out that rich people probably have habits that you don’t have and you should study them. I always ask salespeople in an organization, “Who are the top two or three in your organization?” I tell them to start taking them out to lunch and dinner and for a drink and finding out what they do. Ask them, “What’s your secret?” Nine times out of ten they’ll be willing to tell you. This goes back to what we said earlier about asking. I’ll go into corporations and I’ll say, “Who are the top ten people?” They’ll all tell me and I’ll say, “Did you ever ask them what they do different than you?” “No,” they’ll reply. “Why not?” “Well, they might not want to tell me.” “How do you know? Did you ever ask them? All they can do is say no. You’ll be no worse off than you are now.” So I think with mentors you just look at people who seem to be living the life you want to live and achieving the results you want to achieve. What we say in our book is when that you approach a mentor they’re probably busy and successful and so they haven’t got a lot of time. Just ask, “Can I talk to you for ten minutes every month?” If I know it’s only going to be ten minutes I’ll probably say yes. The neat thing is if I like you I’ll always give you more than ten minutes, but that ten minutes gets you in the door.

WRIGHT In the future are there any more Jack Canfield books authored singularly?

CANFIELD One of my books includes the formula I mentioned earlier: E + R = O. I just felt I wanted to get that out there because every time I give a speech and I talk about that the whole room gets so quiet you could hear a pin drop—I can tell people are really getting value. Then I’m going to do a series of books on the principles of success. I’ve got about 150 of them that I’ve identified over the years. I have a book down the road I want to do that’s called No More Put-Downs, which is a book probably aimed mostly at parents, teachers, and managers. There’s a culture we have now of put-down humor. Whether it’s Married . . . with Children or All in the Family, there’s that characteristic of macho put-down humor. There’s research now showing how bad it is for kids’ self-esteem when the coaches do it, so I want to get that message out there as well.

WRIGHT It’s really not that funny, is it?

CANFIELD No, we’ll laugh it off because we don’t want to look like we’re a wimp but underneath we’re hurt. The research now shows that you’re better off breaking a child’s bones than you are breaking his or her spirit. A bone will heal much more quickly than their emotional spirit will.

WRIGHT I remember recently reading a survey where people listed the top five people who had influenced them. I’ve tried it on a couple of groups at church and in other places. In my case, and in the survey, approximately three out of the top five are always teachers. I wonder if that’s going to be the same in the next decade.

CANFIELD I think that’s probably because as children we’re at our most formative years. We actually spend more time with our teachers than we do with our parents. Research shows that the average parent only interacts verbally with each of their children only about eight and a half minutes a day. Yet at school they’re interacting with their teachers for anywhere from six to eight hours depending on how long the school day is, including coaches, chorus directors, etc. I think that in almost everybody’s life there’s been that one teacher who loved him or her as a human being—an individual—not just one of the many students the teacher was supposed to fill full of History and English. That teacher believed in you and inspired you. Les Brown is one of the great motivational speakers in the world. If it hadn’t been for one teacher who said, “I think you can do more than be in a special education class. I think you’re the one,” he’d probably still be cutting grass in the median strip of the highways in Florida instead of being a $35,000-a-talk speaker.

WRIGHT I had a conversation one time with Les. He told me about this wonderful teacher who discovered Les was dyslexic. Everybody else called him dumb and this one lady just took him under her wing and had him tested. His entire life changed because of her interest in him.

CANFIELD I’m on the board of advisors of the Dyslexic Awareness Resource Center here in Santa Barbara. The reason is because I taught high school and had a lot of kids who were called “at- risk”—kids who would end up in gangs and so forth. What we found over and over was that about 78 percent of all the kids in the juvenile detention centers in Chicago were kids who had learning disabilities—primarily dyslexia—but there were others as well. They were never diagnosed and they weren’t doing well in school so they’d drop out. As soon as a student drops out of school he or she becomes subject to the influence of gangs and other kinds of criminal and drug linked activities. If these kids had been diagnosed earlier we’d have been able to get rid of a large amount of the juvenile crime in America because there are a lot of really good programs that can teach dyslexics to read and excel in school.

WRIGHT My wife is a teacher and she brings home stories that are heartbreaking about parents not being as concerned with their children as they used to be, or at least not as helpful as they used to be. Did you find that to be a problem when you were teaching?

CANFIELD It depends on what kind of district you’re in. If it’s a poor district the parents could be on drugs, alcoholics, and basically just not available. If you’re in a really high rent district the parents are not available because they’re both working, coming home tired, they’re jet-setters, or they’re working late at the office because they’re workaholics. Sometimes it just legitimately takes two paychecks to pay the rent anymore. I find that the majority of parents care but often they don’t know what to do. They don’t know how to discipline their children. They don’t know how to help them with their homework. They can’t pass on skills that they never acquired themselves. Unfortunately, the trend tends to be like a chain letter. The people with the least amount of skills tend to have the most number of children. The other thing is that you get crack babies (infants born addicted to crack cocaine because of the mother’s addiction). As of this writing, in Los Angeles one out of every ten babies born is a crack baby.

WRIGHT That’s unbelievable.

CANFIELD Yes, and another statistic is that by the time 50 percent of the kids are twelve years old they have started experimenting with alcohol. I see a lot of that in the Bible belt. The problem is not the big city, urban designer drugs, but alcoholism. Another thing you get, unfortunately, is a lot of let’s call it “familial violence”—kids getting beat up, parents who drink and then explode, child abuse, and sexual abuse. You see a lot of that.

WRIGHT Most people are fascinated by these television shows about being a survivor. What has been the greatest comeback that you have made from adversity in your career or in your life?

CANFIELD You know, it’s funny, I don’t think I’ve had a lot of major failures and setbacks where I had to start over. My life’s been on an intentional curve. But I do have a lot of challenges. Mark and I are always setting goals that challenge us. We always say, “The purpose of setting a really big goal is not so that you can achieve it so much, but it’s who you become in the process of achieving it.” A friend of mine, Jim Rohn, says, “You want to set goals big enough so that in the process of achieving them you become someone worth being.” I think that to be a millionaire is nice but so what? People make the money and then they lose it. People get the big houses and then they burn down or Silicon Valley goes belly up and all of a sudden they don’t have a big house anymore. But who you became in the process of learning how to be successful can never be taken away from you. So what we do is constantly put big challenges in front of us. We have a book called Chicken Soup for the Teacher’s Soul. (You’ll have to make sure to get a copy for your wife.) I was a teacher and a teacher trainer for years. But because of the success of the Chicken Soup books I haven’t been in the education world that much. I’ve got to go out and relearn how I market to that world. I met with a Superintendent of Schools. I met with a guy named Jason Dorsey who’s one of the number one consultants in the world in that area. I found out who has the bestselling book in that area. I sat down with his wife for a day and talked about her marketing approaches. I believe that if you face any kind of adversity, whether it’s losing your job, your spouse dies, you get divorced, you’re in an accident like Christopher Reeve and become paralyzed, or whatever, you simply do what you have to do. You find out who’s already handled the problem and how did they’ve handled it. Then you get the support you need to get through it by their example. Whether it’s a counselor in your church or you go on a retreat or you read the Bible, you do something that gives you the support you need to get to the other end. You also have to know what the end is that you want to have. Do you want to be remarried? Do you just want to have a job and be a single mom? What is it? If you reach out and ask for support I think you’ll get help. People really like to help other people. They’re not always available because sometimes they’re going through problems also; but there’s always someone with a helping hand. Often I think we let our pride get in the way. We let our stubbornness get in the way. We let our belief in how the world should interfere and get in our way instead of dealing with how the world is. When we get that out of the way then we can start doing that which we need to do to get where we need to go.

WRIGHT If you could have a platform and tell our audience something you feel that would help or encourage them, what would you say?

CANFIELD I’d say number one is to believe in yourself, believe in your dreams, and trust your feelings. I think too many people are trained wrong when they’re little kids. For example, when kids are mad at their daddy they’re told, “You’re not mad at your Daddy.” They say, “Gee, I thought I was.” Or the kid says, “That’s going to hurt,” and the doctor says, “No it’s not.” Then they give you the shot and it hurts. They say, “See that didn’t hurt, did it?” When that happened to you as a kid, you started to not trust yourself. You may have asked your mom, “Are you upset?” and she says, “No,” but she really was. So you stop learning to trust your perception. I tell this story over and over. There are hundreds of people I’ve met who’ve come from upper class families where they make big incomes and the dad’s a doctor. The kid wants to be a mechanic and work in an auto shop because that’s what he loves. The family says, “That’s beneath us. You can’t do that.” So the kid ends up being an anesthesiologist killing three people because he’s not paying attention. What he really wants to do is tinker with cars. I tell people you’ve got to trust your own feelings, your own motivations, what turns you on, what you want to do, what makes you feel good, and quit worrying about what other people say, think, and want for you. Decide what you want for yourself and then do what you need to do to go about getting it. It takes work. I read a book a week minimum and at the end of the year I’ve read fifty-two books. We’re talking about professional books—books on self-help, finances, psychology, parenting, and so forth. At the end of ten years I’ve read 520 books. That puts me in the top 1 percent of people knowing important information in this country. But most people are spending their time watching television. When I went to work for W. Clement Stone, he told me, “I want you to cut out one hour a day of television.” “Okay,” I said, “what do I do with it?” “Read,” he said. He told me what kind of books to read. He said, “At the end of a year you’ll have spent 365 hours reading. Divide that by a forty-hour work week and that’s nine and a half weeks of education every year.” I thought, “Wow, that’s two months.” It was like going back to summer school. As a result of his advice I have close to 8,000 books in my library. The reason I’m involved in this book project instead of someone else is that people like me, Jim Rohn, Les Brown, and you read a lot. We listen to tapes and we go to seminars. That’s why we’re the people with the information. I always say that your raise becomes effective when you do. You’ll become more effective as you gain more skills, more insight, and more knowledge.

WRIGHT Jack, I have watched your career for a long time and your accomplishments are just outstanding. But your humanitarian efforts are really what impress me. I think that you’re doing great things not only in California, but all over the country.

CANFIELD It’s true. In addition to all of the work we do, we pick one to three charities and we’ve given away over six million dollars in the last eight years, along with our publisher who matches every penny we give away. We’ve planted over a million trees in Yosemite National Park. We’ve bought hundreds of thousands of cataract operations in third world countries. We’ve contributed to the Red Cross, the Humane Society, and on it goes. It feels like a real blessing to be able to make that kind of a contribution to the world.

WRIGHT Today we have been talking with Jack Canfield, founder and co-creator of the Chicken Soup for the Soul book series. Chicken Soup for the Soul reaches people well beyond the bookstore, with CD and DVD collections, company-sponsored samplers, greeting cards, children’s entertainment products, pet food, flowers, and many other products in line with Chicken Soup for the Soul’s purpose. Chicken Soup for the Soul is currently implementing a plan to expand into all media by working with television networks on several shows and developing a major Internet presence dedicated to life improvement, emotional support, and inspiration.

CANFIELD Another book I’ve written is The Success Principles. In it I share sixty-four principles that other people and I have utilized to achieve great levels of success.

WRIGHT I will stand in line to get one of those. Thank you so much being with us.

About the Author

Jack Canfield is one of America’s leading experts on developing self-esteem and peak performance. A dynamic and entertaining speaker, as well as a highly sought-after trainer, he has a wonderful ability to inform and inspire audiences toward developing their own human potential and personal effectiveness. Jack Canfield is most well-known for the Chicken Soup for the Soul series, which he co- authored with Mark Victor Hansen, and for his audio programs about building high self-esteem. Jack is the founder of Self-Esteem Seminars, located in Santa Barbara, California, which trains entrepreneurs, educators, corporate leaders, and employees how to accelerate the achievement of their personal and professional goals. Jack is also founder of The Foundation for Self Esteem, located in Culver City, California, which provides self-esteem resources and training to social workers, welfare recipients, and human resource professionals. Jack graduated from Harvard in 1966, received his ME degree at the University of Massachusetts in 1973, and earned an Honorary Doctorate from the University of Santa Monica. He has been a high school and university teacher, a workshop facilitator, a psychotherapist, and a leading authority in the area of self-esteem and personal development. As a result of his work with prisoners, welfare recipients, and inner-city youth, Jack was appointed by the State Legislature to the California Task Force to Promote Self-Esteem and Personal and Social Responsibility. He also served on the Board of Trustees of the National Council for Self-Esteem.

Jack Canfield The Jack Canfield Companies P.O. Box 30880 Santa Barbara, CA 93130 Phone: 805.563.2935 Fax: 805.563.2945 www.jackcanfield.com

Chapter Eight – Private Views of a Public Person Craig Fuller -

DAVID WRIGHT (WRIGHT) Currently, the president and chief executive officer of the 400,000-member Aircraft Owner and Pilots Association (AOPA), Craig Fuller has been a leader in the public and private sector while living in the Washington, D.C., area for more than thirty years. Originally from California, Craig located in the nation’s capital as a senior member of the White House staff following the election of Ronald Reagan. Since 1981, the Washington, D.C., area has been home. His eight years in the White House included four years as chief of staff to then Vice President George H. W. Bush. Craig served as the co-chairman of President Elect Bush’s Transition Team, but decided to join the private sector in 1989. Since 1989, Craig has served as a leader in public affairs consulting firms as an officer of a Fortune 10 consumer packaged goods company and as the chief executive of two large and significant associations. He finds time to serve on one public company board and a few not-for- profit boards as well. These days, Craig divides his time on the ground in Washington and at the AOPA headquarters in Frederick, Maryland. However, as the leading representative of private pilots in the world, he spends four hundred hours a year piloting everything from the Association’s business jet to his own two-place, fabric-covered Aviat Husky traveling throughout the country and abroad. Craig, welcome to Stepping Stones to Success. By any measure, you’ve achieved success in business, politics, government, and even in your more than forty years of flying. How do you account for it?

CRAIG FULLER (FULLER) That is a generous comment and I would start by saying I have been very fortunate from the beginning with loving and supportive parents. Then came great mentors and teachers and along the way remarkable opportunities. Perhaps I should start with a discussion of my flying since I have worked at being a proficient pilot longer than any other activity in my life. And, in so many ways, striving to be a proficient aviator is truly parallel to most everything else in life. For me, flying began at age fourteen during a family vacation when my father and I took a five-dollar ride in a float plane. Once I’d experienced flight, I wanted more. I enjoyed the perspective. I relished the sensations of lift off and landing. At that early age, before I was driving, I set my sights on becoming a pilot. Through all the other things in my life as a teenager, the goal of learning to fly remained strong. I worked to save money to pay my half of the costs and my father, a pilot himself, agreed to pay the other half. For the rest of my life, I have set goals related to flying. I have learned the lessons in flight training necessary to achieve my goals and I have worked to develop a high level of proficiency before setting new goals. When I think about other aspects of my life, whatever measure of success I may have enjoyed, the success came from following this same process: set a goal, learn the necessary skills, develop proficiency, and set a new goal. Personally and professionally, I have always been goal oriented. I do believe an individual needs to focus on the things that are important to them in order to achieve success. Getting what you focus on is one of my core beliefs. Of course, just focusing on something does not make it happen. From my earliest days in school, I liked helping people and solving problems. I liked working with many different kinds of people. Athletic activities helped channel competitiveness in football and swimming during high school. I learned I liked to win, but I also learned that the chances of winning improved greatly when you worked as part of a team. These days, I spend a good deal of time in the cockpit of high-performing aircraft. I fly four hundred hours a year and transitioned from a single-engine piston aircraft pilot to a type-rated pilot in a beautiful Citation business jet, a CJ3. Success in flying this aircraft depends on training, experience, and skill. The goal is, of course, to reach the destination safely and that takes a good deal of preparation, team work, and a measure of confidence. Probably, this is a good way to sum up a lifetime effort to reach personal goals.

WRIGHT Well, what landed you in the West Wing of the White House at the age of thirty?

FULLER Great question. Even better, was I ready? As a college student at UCLA, I was majoring in political science. The University had a great summer internship program that placed students in Washington, D.C., and Sacramento between the school year. I really wanted to go to Washington, D.C., but the Dean overseeing the program wanted me to run the Sacramento program during my sophomore year and promised that I could go to Washington in the future. The year was 1970. Richard Nixon was President and Ronald Reagan was governor of California. Off to Sacramento I went in what proved to be a very fateful choice. Governor Reagan’s staff welcomed almost forty of us from UCLA into Sacramento during the summer of 1971. As the leader of the group, I had a chance to meet the Governor and the people around him. Believe it or not, some of the people I met that summer became friends and colleagues who continue to be part of my life today. Here is another lesson: connecting with people will have long-lasting impact throughout your life. People often say choose your friends wisely. To be honest, connecting with as many decent, honest, and smart people from whom you can learn something is the most important choice you can make. I do not know anyone who can know who will have the most profound difference on his or her life, so a number of strong people who support and challenge you is critically important. As a sophomore in college, I could not have imagined that connecting with a few members of Governor Reagan’s staff in 1971 would land me in the White House ten years later. As for the “being ready” question, I am not sure anyone really is ready for what awaits him or her as a member of the senior White House staff. What served me well was knowing so many people, including the President, from a life before Washington. We had worked together and trusted each other. We were a team that was hard to divide. In one important way, my youth was an advantage. I came to my initial position as the assistant to the President for Cabinet Affairs without any motivation other than to do that job well. It was only eight years since I had graduated as a political science student at UCLA and I never focused on what would come next because there was a huge opportunity right in front of me. The point here is that while having goals for the future has been important to me, so, too, I’ve had a goal to get the job done that I had at the moment. So many people spend far too much time looking for the next great opportunity. They fail to do what they need to do and suffer setbacks in ever getting to the future opportunity they sought. I guess it takes patience, but when you have a golden opportunity right in front of you, trying to climb to a higher rung on the ladder can prove very costly.

WRIGHT So, if you came from California with President Reagan and worked as a senior member of his staff for four years, how did you end up as Chief of Staff to Vice President Bush?

FULLER It is a bit counterintuitive, I guess. And, to be honest, while I knew following the 1984 reelection that Vice President Bush would be looking for a new chief of staff because his was retiring, I never imagined being considered for the position. I was ready to go back to the private sector after four amazingly fulfilling years on the White House staff. I was literally standing in a building looking at office space one morning in February 1985 when I got a call that the Vice President wanted to see me that afternoon. We had come to know each other well, as my Cabinet Affairs office coordinated closely with the Vice President. Even more importantly, President Reagan’s chief of staff, Jim Baker, would periodically ask me to drop in to see the Vice President when he had a question about some sticky issue within the administration. These private meetings with the Vice President of the United States reinforced the importance of “trust.” Throughout the first term, Vice President Bush learned he could put any question to me he wished. He would get the best and most accurate answer I could give. And, following the meeting, I would tell no one what he had asked or was concerned about. This last point probably had more to do with meeting his high standards to serve as his chief of staff than almost anything else. Trust, especially in high places, is a precious and often a far too rare commodity. So, in this fateful meeting with the Vice President in February 1985, we talked at some length about how we both saw the second term. I made clear that he would have my full commitment in an official capacity as well as in a political capacity to make sure he had the best possible chance to succeed President Reagan. These were two pretty clear objectives that would remain as my focus until election day in November 1988. In between this conversation and his election, we would travel to over sixty countries together and every state of the nation multiple times. It was an adventure of major proportions that ended well, with his election on November 8, 1988.

WRIGHT But, after the election, you returned to the private sector. Why?

FULLER This is a bit unusual and it really has been misunderstood by some. During the election year, 1988, Vice President Bush and I were having lunch early in the spring. He asked an intriguing question. He said, “So, if I should win the election, what do you think would be the best thing for you to do.?” It was a generous way of asking not so much what I wanted as it was probing my thoughts on where I was headed. My answer took only a moment. I suggested that I felt very strongly that he would win the election. I also suggested that, given the way he asked the question, my thought on what was best would be to return to the private sector. I think he was a bit surprised . . . and, maybe I was, too. But, the truth was as I stated it. My total focus was on the role I played as chief of staff and as one of his six top campaign advisors. It was not on winning some new role in a new administration. I was in a unique position of having worked for a President first and I was not working to help elect a Vice President to win a new job for myself with a newly elected President. As an aside, I have always believed that one of the reasons our campaign team was so strong is that it had a small group that started out as friends with considerable mutual respect and with none of us working for a position within a new administration. In fact, the late Lee Atwater went to the RNC Chairmanship position. The late Bob Teeter returned to his fine research and strategic consulting business. Our good friend Roger Ailes returned to his firm before becoming a huge force within the cable news world. Of course, the late Bob Mosbacher served as a distinguished Secretary of Commerce, while Nick Brady served as Secretary of the Treasury. It was a remarkable team I was honored to be a part of and the likes of which I have not seen since. I did have one more official assignment. On the morning of the 1988 election, as our overnight tracking numbers looked favorable, Vice President Bush and I reviewed the Daily Intelligence Briefing as we had done for four years together. After that session, and with the CIA briefer gone, the Vice President asked me if I felt the same as I had earlier in the year—that I was ready to return to the private sector. I said I did. At that point, he asked if I would co-chair his Presidential Transition with my colleague and friend Bob Teeter. Exhausted, thinking we would have a few weeks to recover, I accepted and immediately went to work to figure out just what I’d agreed to do. Bob and I were announced as Co-Chairs of the Presidential Transition the next day at a press conference in Houston.

WRIGHT After leaving government, you elected to stay in Washington. Why not return to California?

FULLER I could explain it as recognizing that I had made a considerable investment in Washington and had just helped to build a new Administration. That is true, but I also married a native Washingtonian and Karen Fuller was determined to live in Washington, D.C. It is also true that I enjoy business and public policy. Indeed, my direction from early on has been to spend time in entrepreneurial endeavors while at the same time working on policy matters. Washington offers many opportunities in firms and in running associations. The public affairs firms with which I have been associated certainly provided ample opportunities to build businesses while being fully engaged in public policy. It is also the case that consulting served to refresh and renew me. I re-engaged with people outside of government and learned of their challenges. One realization I came to along the way is that consulting provides a diversity of experience; however, in my case, I seem to eventually want to go run something. All the work has been fulfilling and the relationships with good friends forged during the White House years and later have proven to make the Washington, D.C., area home. I did awake one February morning in 2011 with the realization that, having hit sixty, I had now lived half of my life in Washington, D.C.

WRIGHT So, what is life after eight years in the White House like?

FULLER You are handed your life back! One moment in time I will never forget was standing near the Capitol as President-Elect Bush was inaugurated January 20, 1989. As he assumed the extraordinary responsibilities of being president, I became a private citizen for the first time in eight years. Following the ceremony, I walked away with my wife, who had also served all eight years in the White House during the Reagan Presidency. We joined friends to watch the Inaugural Parade and realized we were beginning a new chapter in our lives. The first two things anyone who leaves public office is hit with are that your calendar is open and the phone is not ringing. This may sound not so consequential, but for some it is almost overwhelming. Building a life around full days and overcommitted schedules is standard fare for members of the White House staff. When that stops you really know your world has changed— and it stops very quickly! Indeed, there is a period of adjustment when you have to face the fact that a good many of those people who were calling and trying to get in to see you have purged you from their Rolodex (or list of contacts) to make room for the new person sitting in your office. It’s just a fact of life. To be sure, we make many, many great friends. But, far more people are seeking an audience while you are in office because of the job you hold rather than your friendly smile or warm personality. In many ways, co-chairing the Presidential Transition team, which ended on Inauguration Day, provide me with a transition of sorts as well. I had said I would not make any decisions about my future until the Transition ended so as to avoid conflicts. However, when it was over, I had an interesting list of people to get back to. I elected to join a small firm lead by two individuals for whom I had great respect: Anne Wexler and Nancy Reynolds. Anne had worked in the Carter White House and Nancy had worked with the Reagans in California during his days as governor as well as a couple of major corporations. I knew I would enjoy the work and the people, and that seemed to be a great combination—indeed, it was!

WRIGHT Does success come to those of you who were in government because of the people you know?

FULLER I am sure you could get a debate going around this question. We’ve all heard the phrase, “it’s not what you know, it’s who you know.” Well, I have a bit of a contrary view! To be sure, knowing people and connecting with people is important. But, in Washington it is experience that makes the real difference. The judgments made by people with experience who are willing to understand issues and develop public policy strategies are, in my view, a far more valuable commodity than what is offered by the door opener. And, increasingly, there are many ways to get through someone’s door. What’s more important are questions like: is the timing right? Is the message clear? Has the decision maker been prepared properly? What outcome is likely? And, what are the consequences of having the meeting? Honestly, many people who have served in high levels of government underestimate the depth of their experience. They rush to put a client in the room with a decision maker because that is what has been asked of them. The real value to a client is to think through the best strategy for achieving a goal. When it comes to staying current across a wide range of issues, then the people you know really helps. The ability to talk with decision makers and understand their concerns and the direction they are taking on various issues is certainly enhanced when you can reach out to more people. However, it is still experience that aids in the sorting out of all the information to turn it into useful intelligence.

WRIGHT It seems like a number of people leaving public office find their way onto the news programs. Is this some kind of new measure of success?

FULLER With all the news organizations having time to fill on air as well as print and electronic space to fill, I agree this seems to be a growing industry. The truth is that only a small fraction of the people who leave public life ever spend much time on camera or even writing about public policy. Some may wish they had this chance; but, many prefer a more private life. I have traveled in both directions. For a time, I did fairly regular interviews on cable news channels, especially when President Bush was in office from 1989 to 1993. These interviews were, however, conducted with me feeling an obligation to speak favorably about the President I had helped to elect. My point of view was guided purely by my loyalty to someone I respected greatly. That was the point of view I brought to the interview and often I was paired with someone representing the interests of another side. The fact is that these “intellectual” exchanges on air lasted about four minutes, took a couple of hours out of my day, and left me just a bit puzzled about the ultimate value of such activities. The truth is, we have a society that all too often believes that people who are on television have special insights. So, if you are consulting or writing or speaking, these snippets prove to be worthwhile marketing tools regardless of how invalid the premise that these individuals have “special knowledge” may be. For me, the real change in my attitude about doing television interviews occurred sometime after President Bush left office in 1993. Now, I could go on the air and simply speak about what was on my mind. I could listen to the question and compose what I hoped would be a cogent thought without having to mentally run through prepackaged talking points provided by one group or another. That freedom made the whole experience a bit more enjoyable. But, the invitations came less often! Today, as people watch the so called “talking heads,” it is important to sort out whether they are speaking freely with regard to what they truly think based on experience (as I believe my friend David Gergen does extremely well) or they are the unofficial spokesperson for a campaign or organization using the talking points provided shortly before the show. Today, while I always try to accommodate a request, I must confess to not having quite the urge to get on the air with my pithy commentary. How pithy can you be sharing four minutes with two or three other people?

WRIGHT How did you find the association world or how did it find you?

FULLER I suggested early in our discussion that I have always appreciated the power of a team and, in many ways an association is one large team. I participated during high school in student groups. In college, I was involved with student organizations. So, I guess it was only natural that upon joining the business community after college, I looked to associations as place to engage. While working in Los Angeles, I became involved in the Los Angeles Area Chamber of Commerce. Among all the individuals I met, one meeting connected me to an individual in 1976 who remains a very close friend, Tom Donohue. At the time, Tom worked at the U.S. Chamber of Commerce running their development operation. A lunch was organized where he and I could discuss new directions companies were taking in public affairs and with political action committees. It was a great lunch, but at the end of it our host mentioned I’d be leaving the company I worked for to join a small firm called Deaver & Hannaford in Los Angeles. Now, Tom, hearing this leaned back in his chair and remarked that this idea was one of the worst he’d heard in a long time. He pressed his point of view, but I stood my ground and actually built a stronger resolve to make the leap. As we left, he said to me, “Well, if you do join the firm, send me a telegram.” A few weeks later, we announced I was joining the firm that represented among their clients former governor Ronald Reagan. It was 1976 and Tom Donohue received his telegram. Four years and a few months later, my friend Tom Donohue welcomed me to Washington and the White House and we have been close friends ever since. Today, Tom serves as the President and CEO of the U.S. Chamber of Commerce and I am proud to serve on his board. The joke between us is that we became good friends because I had the good sense not to take his advice. The truth is, the advice over lunch in 1976 is but an aberration. I have been seeking and taking his counsel ever since! So, when a search committee chairman called Tom Donohue in 1999 and asked who he thought might head a health care related association, I was on the short list he provided. So in this case, who I knew had a lot to do with getting a great opportunity. The opportunity was to lead the National Association of Chain Drug Stores (NACDS) during some of the most interesting times it has been through. With a growing commitment to reform the decades old Medicare and Medicaid programs and challenges with prescription drugs on several fronts, the NACDS position put me at the heart of challenging and fascinating health care policy debates. During six years, a strong team was put in place to advocate on behalf of retail pharmacies and the people they served. We set up two innovative companies and I traveled the country speaking on behalf of what I continue to believe is an important part of the health care community. The Medicare and Medicaid policy debates were as challenging as anything I could imagine. The interests of large companies and pharmacies were at stake and, of course, the pharmaceutical manufacturers were always a force. After six years and a number of important victories, the organization’s board had evolved and wanted to try different approaches. Different is always fine to consider, but I firmly believed that I could not do what I did not think would work. I took the view that it was their organization ultimately and the best course was to leave. It had been a good run and I had a good separation agreement and so we parted company as friends. For a time, I stayed very busy speaking on health care policy and working with entrepreneurs in health care companies. Before long, I was invited to join a global public relations/public affairs firm and was back into consulting.

WRIGHT So, that’s what you were doing when the call came to you about AOPA? As a pilot, that must have been rather exciting.

FULLER I was consulting when the call came, but it was not that straight forward. The President of AOPA in 2007 was Phil Boyer. While I had never met him, I had considerable respect for him because I had seen him build the organization supporting private pilots that I had first joined in 1973. He determined he was going to retire after eighteen years, and to insure a smooth transition he and the AOPA Trustees retained a search firm to advise them. I learned about all of this from a friend and called the search consultant leading the effort in Washington whom I had known for some time. He was surprised and said that this was a confidential search and he hoped I would not tell other people. I assured him that I would not tell a soul and also made it clear I was interested. In fact, when Phil assumed the position eighteen years earlier I had thought to myself that this would sure be a great job. In addition to asking that I tell no one else about the search, the consultant also shared that the search would likely not be finalized until late in 2008. The opportunity to lead a group I had been a member of and respected greatly became my new goal. I kept in touch with the search firm and later with the Chairman of the Trustees. The final selection meeting occurred in June 2008 after which the Trustees asked me to become only the fourth president of AOPA in its seventy-three-year history.

WRIGHT How does this membership organization differ from the other associations you’ve been involved with?

FULLER This is a very perceptive question. With four hundred thousand individual members, AOPA is very different than an industry or business trade association. We work hard to build and sustain our membership with individuals spending their own money to belong and participate in our activities. However, our members are extraordinarily committed to protecting the freedom to fly. They are a very diverse group flying a wide range of aircraft. All of which makes our job interesting and challenging as we try to make sure we are delivering relevant information to the members. The two most important reasons our members tell us why they join are our publications and the advocacy work we do across the country. As the chief executive of a large membership organization I wear many hats. As one of the leading “ambassadors” for general aviation in the world, I spend a good deal of time speaking to a wide variety of audiences about why we so cherish the freedom to fly. It is a rare week that goes by without my getting into the left seat of one of our planes to fly somewhere to speak or meet a group of pilots. And, if for any reason I have some extra time, there are few things I enjoy more than climbing into my two-seat Aviat Husky for a flight around the Frederick area. In so many ways, this current opportunity calls upon all of my life experiences. Flying private aircraft has been a passion since I was fourteen and I joined my father for that floatplane ride in Oregon. Developing public policy strategies started long before Washington, but my skills in this area were certainly honed during eight years at the White House. And, communicating with a wide range of audiences through multiple channels is something done daily in a national presidential campaign. My goal now is to be as effective a leader in the general aviation community as possible. I strive to learn all I can about the issues and use the skills developed over a lifetime to be an effective advocate in protecting our freedom to fly. To be able to use these skills and apply them to something I really care deeply about is a real blessing. For all of this I am grateful. It has been and remains a remarkable journey that is extraordinarily fulfilling.

WRIGHT So, do you have any concluding thoughts you would like to share?

FULLER This has been an enjoyable conversation and we have certainly touched on many areas. Here are some of the key elements that have guided my life:

Goals – I do believe every individual needs to set clear goals throughout his or her life. I’ve also come to believe that it is a good idea to write them down and look at what you have written from time to time. These need to be “your goals” that you set, not someone else’s idea of what is right for you. You can change your goals as well as add new ones along the way.

Lifetime learning – We never stop learning and should even set goals that require learning new skills. As a single engine piston aircraft pilot who had set a clear and specific goal to become type rated to fly a Citation jet, I knew that I had a lot to learn; but, honestly, I did not know just what the process would involve. When I sat down with my training team at Flight Safety International, I started the conversation saying that when people ask me in the future how I had successfully become qualified to fly a business jet I would explain that I had done everything FlightSafety had told me I should do. In this case, I had a clear goal before I even knew just what was going to be required to achieve it. The plan that was designed was the plan I followed to reach my goal.

Building proficiency – Even after we learn something, we still need to work to become proficient. It is true in flying, in writing, in speaking, and in leading organizations. I believe in taking the time to become proficient and sometimes the most important element of success is the experience that is gained over time. Don’t rush on to the next goal, the next job, or even the next relationship without gaining as much understanding as you can from the things with which you are presently engaged. One great way to focus on becoming more proficient is to work with a coach. Just like successful athletes, a professional or personal coach can help us greatly improve our game over time.

Connect – We accomplish very little alone in most cases. Collaborating with others who can challenge us, share in our successes, and encourage us to move to new challenges is very important. Connecting with people who have different life experiences can enrich one’s understanding and perspective on life. And, the kind of connection that is most meaningful is not the virtual kind. Social media may assist in keeping people connected, but I just do not believe it can come close to the benefits of good old fashion conversation, debate, and heart-to heart- dialogue. One of the most interesting examples of this for me recently has been our research showing that a very important factor in successful flight training is the interaction with a community of other general aviation enthusiasts. People want to be part of a community, especially when that community supports learning and utilizing new skills.

Trust – This is associated with connecting, but it is perhaps more important. The notion is to find people you can trust and to actually be a person others can trust as well. These trusted connections will serve even a higher purpose both personally and professionally. When someone comes to trust another person, many new options and opportunities open up. When trust is lost, so are the potential opportunities.

Sharing and mentoring – Finally, take the time to help others. Whether you help people one-on-one or many at the same time, giving back is richly rewarding. I find it renews one’s spirit to see the joy and appreciation coming from another individual. I can only hope that whatever your path may be and wherever it takes you, you find the happiness and fulfillment you seek. In that regard, I hope the thoughts throughout this book serve you well.

About the Author

Craig Fuller has spent more than three decades in leadership roles in Washington, D.C. He currently leads the strategic consulting firm, The Fuller Company based in Fairfax, Virginia. Prior to launching this firm, he lead the world’s largest general aviation organization, the Aircraft Owners and Pilots Association, representing 400,000 members. His past leadership roles including eight years in the White House and travels throughout the world as a business leader and association president provide a unique insight into stepping stones to success His personal account of a very public life appears here for the first time. Craig speaks frequently around the country and writes a monthly newsletter. For more information or to sign-up for FIRST MONDAY, go to www.TheFullerCompany.com .

CRAIG L. FULLER The Fuller Company 4031 University Drive, Suite 100 Fairfax, Virginia 22030 [email protected] www.TheFullerCompany.com

Chapter Nine – GPS for Success Donna Steffey and Joan Zabelka -

We are all born with inner guidance—our own GPS for success. Psychologist Abraham Maslow called it “human motivation based on people seeking fulfillment.” In the New Testament, Jesus’ parable of the talents (Matthew 25:14–30) says God gave all of us certain gifts. These gifts include elements such as energy, intelligence, relationships, interests, abilities, and life experiences. Sharing our gifts and talents is our sacred duty and when we share what we have been given, we are successful. Whether you have a secular or a spiritual view of life, pursuing success is a journey each of us takes. Knowing where you want to go is the key to attaining success. You have to plug your destination into your GPS. Where do you want to go in life? How do you define success? Success means different things to each of us. Financial independence may be one measure, finding a soulmate or living a healthy life are other measures. Still for others, achieving career goals means, “I made it!” Often it is a combination of career, relationship, and life goals that makes up the definition of success. How you personally define success will determine the direction of your life. Even with success defined, your journey is guaranteed to have recalculations, U-turns, and detours. This chapter is about helping you discover your route to success. Everyone’s trip is unique, but there are a few “rules of the road” people tend to follow. First, we will share exercises to assist you in defining and describing where you want to go. Secondly, we will provide you with practical directions or steppingstones on which to stop and reflect on your journey. Lastly, we will give you guidance on how to re-route yourself when you experience obstacles, including the ones you create yourself, so you can move forward on your excursion to success. You will benefit from the insight and experience of two authors who are committed to offering “roadside assistance” on your success journey. Donna Steffey and Joan Zabelka are both successful business owners. Donna is an international speaker/trainer and Joan owns a holistic mind/body-healing center. These are two very diverse success paths for two very distinctive sisters. They call themselves the “Yin-Yang Sisters” because their paths appear so different and yet, in the way suggested by the Yin-Yang symbol, their relationship has always been one of mutual interdependent opposites, constantly moving and transforming into one another.

Your Guides Joan Zabelka — Shy and introverted, Joan was the “perfect child” who sat still and read books, living life through the pages and trying to avoid mistakes or getting hurt. For Joan, growing up in the ’60s and ’70s was a tumultuous time of change with a tilt in value systems, beliefs, and lifestyles. The classic oldest child, Joan followed the “traditions of the time,” she got married soon after high school and had four children. Choosing the time-honored view of feminine success, like many women her age, Joan was torn between the traditional choice of stay-at-home mom and the need to “find herself” by way of a career. Joan has been wife, mother, PTA president, elected school board official, youth minister, and elementary school librarian, yet the feeling of success seemed elusive and she second-guessed her choices many times throughout the years. Joan says, “What I discovered is you are never on the wrong path; you may just be on a detour, which eventually leads back to your destination. Like any detour, it can send you out of your way, but it is still on the way. Life doesn’t have to be viewed as one long trip. There are turning-point opportunities offered to us in life. The secret is to pay attention and know how to discern whether that route should be taken or not. Eyes on the road, hands on the wheel, and good music make for a great trip.” Joan realized that many people feel the same confusion. Some people are quicker to access life choices than others. In 2011, Joan opened her holistic center, Soul Proprietor—a place to “find yourself by getting away from everything else.” She knows people need a safe space to explore and define themselves so they can achieve the fulfillment we are all searching for. Who we are is a divine gift. “I love helping people open their gift and seeing what’s inside. It is a privilege to witness the changes that occur when we live authentically.”

Donna Steffey — The wild “adventurous child” once jumped from the top of a willow tree, twisted an ankle, and then climbed furiously back up and took another “leap of faith.” For Donna, a visit to a chiropractor in her late thirties put her on her journey to success. “What’s killing you?” was the question the chiropractor asked. “I hate my job,” was the reply. Her desire to find success and pursue happiness began with that discussion. It was quickly followed by self-doubt. “What do I want to do? What could I do, or should I do with my life?” Eventually Donna rediscovered her desire to be a motivational speaker. She says, “I knew my calling after hearing my first inspirational lecture at age ten. I took a speech class in seventh grade and joined a competitive debate team in high school. By college, reality set in. I gave up my dreams and pursued a “practical field” of study. My love for passionate and stimulating speakers continued, however.” It was one of those speakers, a war hero, who finally made a difference to Donna. About the same time her doctor lectured her about health, a fighter pilot, Scott Francis O’Grady, had been shot down over Bosnia. He survived for six days avoiding enemy patrols by eating leaves, grass, and insects. After his safe return to the United States, he became an instant “motivational speaker.” It is amazing what our subconscious picks up. The part of his story that struck Donna was the bug-eating. Why did people need to know how to eat bugs from a motivational speaker? Her subconscious equated this with her situation. “What people need to know is how to survive a bad job without allowing it to ‘kill them.’ ” Donna became determined to find out what it took to survive and even thrive in a way where one could be joyful and successful. Donna remained at that job for two years. Using survival techniques, self-discovery exercises, and skill development tools, she shaped a marketable profession as a speaker, trainer, and author. Donna was on the road to career success. Both sisters say, “When you achieve success, you will know it! It is a feeling deep inside where you are in harmony with your world. You experience a zest and a passion for life where no one has to motivate you. You do things out of pure enjoyment without a need for rewards or approval. You are able to share your abundance whether that abundance means wealth, love, or wisdom.”

Destination: Success

“Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you will be successful.” —Albert Schweitzer

Most often, the pursuit of success is tied up Celtic knot style with the pursuit of happiness. No one can make you happy but you. No one can define happiness or success for you, though the media, society, family, friends, and associates may try. There is so much going on in our lives, and success may feel out of reach for many. Don’t give up. Successful, happy people can be found all over the globe and in all sorts of circumstances. These people rely on their own definition. Success comes in many guises. Look at what makes you happy. “Having it all” isn’t necessary. Rick Warren, author of The Purpose Driven Life, says, “Self-worth and net worth are not the same.” For Mae, a regular visitor to Soul Proprietor, surviving a life-threatening illness, having a loving, sober husband, owning her first home after thirty-five years of marriage, and volunteering to read to the blind is success. She is still working on publishing her poetry, and it is all part of her journey. Success is part of the ever-turning Wheel of Life—sometimes we are on the top of the wheel and sometimes we are on the bottom. Successful people recognize the wheel has to rotate in order to move forward. Learning how to deal with the downside and turn it upward is success. True happiness is a sign of authenticity, and it is a way of knowing you are on your correct success path. The gift of life is the gift of realizing who we are and who we can be. We need to unearth these hidden talents. Self-discovery is a process. Here are some tools to assist in that process.

Joan’s Authenticity Mandala Exercise Mandala is Sanskrit for sacred circle. The sacred circle you draw becomes a container for you or some aspect in your world. It is your “Wheel of Life.” Creating the mandala forces you to slow down and focus. It turns you inward. We are bombarded with advice. This is an opportunity to discern those messages and see how they fit with who you really are and where you really want to go. The psychoanalyst, Carl Jung, saw the mandala as a “representation of the unconscious self.” Drawing mandalas helped him and his patients attain a sense of individuation (authenticity) whereby the conscious and unconscious work together. Joan has been using mandalas for healing and insight for more than a decade. She became a certified Mandala Facilitator trained by Dr. Judith Cornell and helps others using these techniques. Cornell’s method blends the sacred art and the spiritual science of the mandala. By allowing your subconscious mind to connect with your conscious mind, real communication begins. You pay attention to what is going on in you at a deeper, truer level. Journalist Sydney J. Harris said, “Ninety percent of the world’s woe comes from people not knowing themselves, their abilities, their frailties, and even their real virtues. Most of us go almost all the way through life as complete strangers to ourselves.”

Supplies: * Removing yourself from distraction is necessary. Take this time for yourself. * Paper, Pencil, coloring tools * Compass (something to make a circle)

Directions: 1. Draw a large circle on your paper. 2. Find a focus or theme to explore: challenges, relationships, blessings, next step, health, career, abundance. Think or meditate about it. 3. Draw inside the circle. Allow twenty to twenty-five minutes for the exercise. Don’t worry if “you can’t draw” because no one else has to see this. If a symbol or image appears, draw it the best you can. Sometimes just lines and colors and shapes appear—draw them. 4. When you are through, sit with your mandala. Look for the wisdom and metaphors in it. If an anchor shows up—what is weighing you down? A spider in a web might mean you feel trapped or it could also mean you are feeling creative and you are weaving a new life. Look up the meaning of symbols on the Internet.

Mandalas are a safe place to help us process information that may be painful or confusing. Ellen began to draw a mandala to help her focus on returning to the work force. When she finished her colorful stick-figured mandala she realized it was filled with all the wonderful things she did throughout the day. Her volunteer work, family care, and personal interests would all suffer if she opted for paid work. She realized the blessings she enjoyed were payment enough and she didn’t need a paycheck to “prove her worth.” Linda, another client, created a mandala which is illustrated here. Her mandala pointed out her stress levels which prompted her to make necessary changes in her life.

Donna’s Uniqueness Clarification Exercise We were put on this earth to make a contribution. We each have desires, hopes, interests, ambitions, dreams, and talents. We instinctively care about some things and not others. Our self- knowledge helps us recognize our uniqueness. The problem is we are so busy “doing” we forget to listen to our inner wisdom. Here is an exercise that can help you slow down, focus, and figure out what you love to do.

Supplies: * Index cards

Directions: 1. Make a list of your positive qualities. Your goal is to list twenty-five qualities. Examples of qualities are: joyful, analytical, persuasive, computer savvy, outgoing. Write each positive quality on a separate index card. 2. Next, make a list of all the things you enjoy doing. Include current and past activities. Examples of activities are: gardening, reading, sports, or crafts. Try to identify twenty to twenty- five activities. Write each activity on a separate index card. 3. Using both sets of cards and the sentence stem, write: “I Am a____.” Select one positive quality from the deck and one pleasurable activity. Put them together to end the sentence, “I am a____.” Examples: “I am a (positive quality) analytical (enjoyable activity) gardener” or “I am a creative accountant.” Work with these two decks and join them as many different ways as possible. Most sentences won’t make sense. Eventually one of these sentences will resonate with you. It has to. These lists summarize your uniqueness. The sentence will provide you with a feeling of energy. It can be used as a compass for your success journey. It won’t tell you what to do with your life; it will, however, give you direction so you can focus your time, energy, and activities. George, an unemployed client wrote, “I am an outgoing car buff.” He found a customer service job in the auto industry and restores old cars in his spare time. A financial planner, Patrick’s sentence was, “I am an adventurous explorer.” He left the staid world of finance for rock climbing and exploring. He finally settled down as a U.S. diplomat in a remote corner of the world where he is exploring new cultures and languages.

Ignoring Your GPS You have an idea of your direction, but will you be able to acknowledge your success when you’ve arrived at your destination? “Impostor Phenomenon Syndrome” (IPS) is a condition in which people are unable to internalize their accomplishments despite external evidence. It is like ignoring the GPS. They hear the words, “You have arrived,” but they don’t believe it. People with IPS describe their success with words like, “Oh, I got lucky” or “That was nothing.” People with this syndrome remain convinced they are frauds and do not deserve the success they are pursuing. They may also believe that because they don’t know “everything” it means they know “nothing” and should wait until they know enough or are good enough or are lovable enough before they feel successful. Do you have “Imposter Phenomenon Syndrome” or feelings of self-doubt? More women than men experience it. Women tend to internalize problems while men externalize them. If a pair of jeans doesn’t fit, a woman says, “I must have gained weight!” While a man says, “What is wrong with these jeans?” Famous people like Meryl Streep, Tina Fey, and Maya Angelou have struggled with this fear. It is normal to experience some doubt. Here are some suggestions to detour around IPS.

Understand it or ignore it Become a mentor, help others and you’ll soon learn you know/do more than you think. Find out more about Imposter Phenomenon Syndrome. The Secret Thoughts of Successful Women by Valerie Young is a good place to start. Another option is to realize it is normal and you can ignore it. There is great refrigerator magnet wisdom that says, “Don’t believe everything I think!”

Rerun your game tapes After professional athletes make a mistake they review their game tapes, learn how they can improve, then get back in the game the following week. You will make mistakes in your career, relationships, and financial planning. Review your mistakes. Don’t generalize one mistake and think it means complete failure. Don’t “awfulize” this mistake. Don’t personalize the mistake by thinking everybody feels the same way.

Be Bold and “Just Do It” Do not wait until you feel confident to act confident. In the beginning, we learn by pretending to be our heroes. Donna became a speaker/trainer just as she wanted. Over the past eighteen years of pretending to be a hero, she has mentored, coached, and taught thousands, done volunteer work across the globe, and survived cancer.

Steps for Success Success requires us to pause and reflect along the way. Joan and Donna recognized a commonality while looking at their diverse paths. The steppingstones identified are landmarks on the journey. They are places to stop and assess momentum, direction, and the need to “recalculate.” It all starts with P-U-R-P-O-S-E. We aren’t here just to exist then disappear. There is a reason we—you and I—are alive. Our success comes in fulfilling our purpose so we are smiling at the end of our journey. The following seven P-U-R-P-O-S-E steppingstones are laid out for you and offer a place to reflect and evaluate next steps. Take the time to examine your Purpose, Uniqueness, Roots, Passion, Opportunity, Support, and Endurance.

Purpose “Definiteness of purpose is the starting point of all achievement.” —W. Clement Stone

Definition: Purpose can be described as pursuit of living out your values and finding meaning in life. It’s an aim rather than a goal. As a question, it answers “Why am I here?” It is about serving others, which sounds so noble, but it is also about serving ourselves. If we are not listening to what fulfills us or makes us happy, then we cannot provide for the other, no matter how well our intention. We grow into our purpose through self-discovery, life experiences, and loving more.

Reflection Questions: What would you do if you could not fail? What kinds of stories move you to take action? Who are your heroes, mentors, icons?

Example: Christine loved animals and tolerated children. She was a favorite aunt who never wanted children of her own. Following the advice of a well-meaning college advisor, she became a teacher. As much as she loved her students, she didn’t like teaching them. When her pink slip came she had mixed emotions; the most overwhelming one was failure. She found the support she needed in a group that Joan ran based on the book by Sonia Choquette, Your Heart’s Desire. Christine reclaimed her yearning to help animals, went back to school to be a vet tech, and is now working with the animals she loves and is still spoiling her nieces.

Next steps: * Read biographies of those who inspire you. * Make a list of your values. * Write out your epitaph describing you living your passionate life to the fullest. Think big!

Uniqueness “I’ve come to believe that each of us has a personal calling that’s as unique as a finger print and that the best way to succeed is to discover what you love and then find a way to offer it to others.” —Oprah Winfrey

Definition: Your DNA mix creates the unique and individual you. These genes give you all of your physical characteristics, emotional style, energy levels, and brain functioning ability. What is most critical to you in terms of success is not your DNA, but how you have learned to interpret, accept, and use your characteristics.

Reflection Questions: What are you doing when you are most yourself? If they made a movie of your life, what would be your favorite part? What unique “gift” could you share with the world?

Example: Margaret had been raised by her grandmother. When she decided to go to beauty school she thought she had found her calling. After working in a couple of salons, she wasn’t so sure. She really disliked the environment. One day Margaret visited her grandmother in the assisted living home. She lovingly fixed Grandma’s hair. Margaret realized her love for the elderly and now does hair in various senior centers.

Next steps: * Notice when you stand out in the crowd. * Create a niche in one area of your life.

Roots “To each there comes a special moment when they are figuratively tapped on the shoulder and offered the chance to do a very special thing unique to them and fitted to their talents. What a tragedy if that moment finds them unprepared or unqualified for that which could have been their finest hour.” —Winston Churchill

Definition: A root is part of a plant that develops and grows downward into the soil, anchoring the plant and absorbing nutrients. When we are talking about roots in terms of a steppingstone, we are inviting you to think about how deep your knowledge, wisdom, talents, abilities, and character grow.

Reflection Questions: What can you do to gain more knowledge about a topic you are passionate about? What are some volunteer ways to use your talents or abilities? What was the last challenge you faced that grew your character? What did you learn?

Example: Dan had a passion for computers and teaching others. He had always understood how computers worked and quickly learned new programs. His current job didn’t offer him the opportunity to work in a training capacity. He attended a workshop Donna was facilitating on teaching people how to be trainers. Dan was a passionate student, even though he lacked experience as a trainer. Dan asked Donna to be his mentor. Within two years, Dan started his own computer training company and sits on a board of directors for a training association.

Next steps: What book can you read or class can you take to grow your personal roots deeper?

Passion “Success isn’t a result of spontaneous combustion. You must set yourself on fire.” —Arnold Glasow

Definition: Passion is often described as an intense compelling feeling or drive toward a self-defining activity you value.

Reflection Questions: If you could have or do anything you want, what would it be? What areas of your life or career are you really committed to? How would you like to change the world?

Example: Maureen had earned her degree in Marketing and felt confident that she could earn a good income. She got a job in a large firm and quickly got lost in the fast-paced environment. She became frustrated, not only because she was just “one of the crowd,” but because secretly she had always loved working with children. She came to Joan’s center for coaching. Joan helped her realize that working with children brought her joy. She went back to school and got her master’s degree in Education. Now she teaches second grade and designs eye-catching promotional material for the school.

Next steps: Take a day and spend it doing something you love. Interview someone who is doing what you love to do.

Opportunities “Success is often the result of taking a misstep in the right direction.” —Al Bernstein

Definition: Opportunity is defined as a favorable or beneficial circumstance at a suitable time, presenting a good possibility of success. Synchronicity is another word to think about here. Synchronicity is defined as meaningful coincidences from a seemingly random world. Whatever term you use, the key to success is to be focused on your goals so that when opportunity or synchronicities appear, you are prepared to seize them.

Reflection Questions: Describe in detail the ideal situation, person, or thing you need to move you closer to your success fulfillment. Keep your eyes open for those opportunities. How can you use social media to move you closer to your success goals? Make a list of people to connect with.

Example: Sarah worked in the office of a religious publisher. She yearned to use her writing talents, but didn’t have a journalist’s resume. One day, she was taking minutes at a board meeting on ways to increase readership. Out-of-the-box ideas were flying around the room, and getting shot down. That night Sarah wrote a make-believe “benevolent gossip column” juicing up interesting, non-salacious tidbits from their local mundane church world, and submitted it to the editor. She has been writing the column now for ten years and it’s one of the most popular features in the paper.

Next steps: Over the next two weeks, look for possible opportunities and synchronicities. List them here as they occur.

Support “I’m a success today because I had a friend who believed in me and I didn’t have the heart to let him down.” —Abraham Lincoln

Definition: Support is helping someone or something bear the weight or pressure. We can support a family by providing for their necessities. We can support an idea by giving approval. We can speak in favor or give courage or aid to someone and help the person. Every one of us has supported and has been supported at some time in our life.

Reflection Questions: Where have you been supportive? Where do you need support now? How will you get the support you need?

Example: Theo wanted to open an authentic Mediterranean restaurant. He was committed to using local organic vendors, traditional recipes, and maintaining a “green” approach. Because of a rocky start, Theo’s partner backed out. Grand opening was weeks away and cash flow became an issue. His parents trusted his dream and his business plan. They lent him the money to continue. After three years, he is still in business, his loan has been repaid, and he has held true to his values of tradition, nutrition (based on the organic), and going green.

Next steps: Break down your issue. What do you need exactly—finance, encouragement, assistance, education? What can you do on your own? Where do you need support? Who or what is available to you now and down the road?

Endurance “In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure.” —Bill Cosby

Definition: Endurance is your ability to exert yourself and resist, withstand, recover from, and have immunity to wounds or fatigue. It is your ability to get knocked down and to get back up again. Endurance comes either because we “want-to” or “have-to” get back up. Knowing your success goals and why your goals are so important can give you the stamina to keep trying.

Reflection Questions: What are your have-to motivations for success? (These include basic survival needs.) What are your want-to motivations? (This is the unique inner power that keeps you alive spiritually.) Look over your past year. Identify at least three examples of when you used endurance to overcome a difficult situation.

Example: Right after Joan opened her center, she developed a painful spinal disorder. After a period of recuperation, she landed in the hospital with a ruptured appendix. Physically and mentally, her first year in business was difficult. She continued to show up at work. She grew stronger in spirit and more committed to her business. Showing up when it’s easier to give up strengthens people.

Next steps: * Create a vision board (directions below) and look at it every day so your want-to motivations stay strong. * Read a book about someone who has endured and thrived through hardship.

Tracking Your Progress By doing the previous exercises, you have gained new insights about yourself. Now let’s talk about setting goals and tracking your progress. Research says 75 percent of people can maintain goals for about a week. Picture a New Year’s resolution or a diet goal. Gradually our commitment wanes; we begin to slip back into our old habits. What does it take to turn a commitment into a lifestyle of successful habits? First of all, we have to have a vision of what our true success goals are.

Joan’s Vision Board Exercise A vision board is a collection of images and sayings you’ve posted in a place you see every day. It is designed to inspire, maintain focus, get you excited, and motivate you. You need something on that board to cue you to action steps in order to attain your goal. The board is a constant reminder as we begin to “brand” our dream. The “golden arches” of our vision board impels us to act. On both a conscious and subconscious level, our brain begins to associate that picture with good feelings. Thoughts and feelings are motivational forces to help make our dreams for success a reality. The Law of Attraction, made popular by the movie The Secret, claims that our thoughts and feelings attract a corresponding energy to each of us. Has it been scientifically proven? Not to everyone’s definition, but whether or not in every case we attract and create our own reality isn’t as important as whether or not we focus on the positive or negative impact in each situation.

Supplies: * Background: Poster board, construction paper, or printer paper * Adhesive: liquid glue or glue stick * Scissors * Images and words: Magazines with exciting, motivational pictures geared toward your goals. Look for words or headlines that are calls to action or that speak to your heart.

Directions: 1. Focus first. Do you have a clear vision of what you want? Look for pictures that depict your dream or goal. Be as specific as possible, but also allow for out-of-the-box images or influences. 2. Put a picture of yourself smiling and having a good time in the center of the vision board. This is “branding” your brain. Remember, happiness is the key to success. 3. Cut pictures from the magazines that inspire you or fit your theme. 4. Sort items and lay them out on the board. Allow your intuition to speak to you as well as using logic. If you have a goal with obvious steps involved, make sure you include them visually. 5. Glue. Allow for changes as you work. Don’t forget—you go in the center. Get creative at the end by adding your own writing, paint, stamps, glitter, and so on. 6. Place the vision board where you can see it each day. Advertisers know that you have to see an image dozens of times for the message to sink in. Seeing your smiling face and your hopes for the future each day will be your favorite “billboard” on your road to success.

Having written goals is also important. We recommend that you write goals in five categories. The five categories are mental, financial, spiritual, character-building, and physical. The clearer you are about these goals, the easier it will be for you to live them. Mental goals: Ask yourself, “What do I need to know to take the next best step for my success?” Your goals might include career-related activities, reading, and specific skill development areas. Spiritual goals: Answer the question, “How do I want to express my gratitude?” Your goals could include relationship time, spending time out in nature, meditation, and worship time. Character-building goals: Ask, “What kind of person do I want to be?” Target behaviors could include developing qualities such as patience, stepping out of your comfort zone, or mending a broken relationship. Financial goals: Answer the question, “How do I want to share my abundance?” Goals could involve growing a business, increasing savings, being debt free, and giving back. The Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey is a great book for setting financial goals around becoming debt free. Physical goals: Ask yourself, “What will it take for me to be my healthiest self?” Goals might include diet, exercise, and annual doctor checkups. A fitness monitor such as The BodyMedia Fit Armband is a great tool to automatically track calories and daily activity. You can find them at www.bodymedia.com. Write your goals down on paper, type them on your computer, or program them into your phone. Remember, goals can and should be adjusted as life changes. The goals will stretch you and motivate you. Data is your friend. If you want success, then keep track of your progress. It may be slow going but acknowledging our daily trek toward success gives you forward movement. Pretty soon you are doing it! You are achieving your success goals.

Detours and U-Turns In our Western culture, we believe in having a back-up plan. We want to be in control. Asian cultures teach the philosophy of flow and flexibility. Joan recalls a time when she saw a statue of Ganesha, a Hindu god. She had been going through a rough time. Ganesha is considered “the Remover of Obstacles.” As Joan reached for the statue, she was surprised to read the writing on the bottom, the “Power of Obstacles!” Maybe Joan should have been wearing her glasses because that’s not what it said. In that moment, however, she realized that obstacles and roadblocks do have the power to offer us an opportunity to learn, forgive, pray, go with the flow, and grow stronger. In every life, there are situations that are actual roadblocks. These aren’t all in your head, they can be valid obstacles, and they do affect your plans for success and happiness. Illness, cash flow, experiences, education, and so on can be legitimate problems that can hinder, but don’t have to stop you. People who experience roadblocks will tell you, “They’re tough.” Those who used the “power of obstacles” say it was a type of apprenticeship that deepened their faith in their ability to succeed. The people who became stronger found they became stronger very specifically. Their obstacles not only gave them a specific strength, but the obstacles seemed to give them the strength they needed to continue their journey. Whether the obstacle was something they could foresee or not, they benefitted from the difficulty. Of course, time was the lens that changed the meaning of the roadblock. Claire’s husband asked for a divorce on their tenth wedding anniversary. Claire was financially wiped out. Starting over left her bitter and drove a wedge between her daughter and her. With the help of a support group for the divorced, she was able to regain her trust, buy a home, and rebuild her relationship with her daughter. Claire now leads the divorce support group and helps others to believe there is a better life waiting for them. When you face your obstacles ask: can it be broken into parts? Which parts can I manage and which parts might I need support with? Do I need to improve something in myself such as education or attitude? You can continue to readjust your goal as necessary while maintaining the integrity of the goal, just like the GPS in your car. However, there are times when you are not in control and just have to go with the flow. Trust the wisdom and answers that are inside you.

Journey of a Thousand Miles . . . In Hasbro’s “The Game of Life,” the instructions tell you to “Spin the wheel of fate and take a drive along the twisting roads.” Whether you’ve played the game or not, you can imagine the myriad of emotions tied to it! Just as in real life. It’s all about choices. In this chapter we’ve suggested that you design your unique route and not surrender your fate to a roll of the dice. There will be circumstances beyond your control. There will also be circumstances within your control such as the connections you make, the goals you set, the talents you draw upon, your reactions to obstacles, and the opportunities you make the most of.

Planning Your Road Map to Success: Start by defining what success means to you. Do the exercises suggested in this chapter. Read and reread this book. Discover your uniqueness. Keep a journal. Use it regularly. Develop strong roots, a support system, and endurance.

Your passion will be fueled, opportunities will manifest themselves, and your life will be more pleasant and meaningful.

“Your success and happiness lies in you. Resolve to keep happy, and your joy and you shall form an invincible host against difficulties.” —Helen Keller

About the Author

Donna Steffey has worked with global audiences in seventeen countries. She is a trainer, author, and coach who blends her twenty years of humor, leadership, and platform experience to educate and inspire. It doesn’t matter where Donna goes, she uses enthusiasm, establishes rapport, and creates a safe environment for people to speak out. People say that “it is Donna’s wit and empathy that cause her to relate so well. She actually likes people!” Donna will tell you it is through the use of self-discovery techniques and listening that she has been successful in helping individuals reach their full potential.

DONNA STEFFEY Vital Signs Training www.vitalsignstraining

After twenty-five years as a stay-at-home mom, community activist, PTA president, school paraprofessional librarian, and all-around volunteer, Joan Zabelka returned to school to finish her degree at age fifty. A life-long learner, Joan wasn’t done. She then completed Certification as a Christian Life Coach and went on to get a Master’s Certificate in Pastoral Studies. As a coach and Spiritual Director, Joan helps people from all walks of life solve problems, find meaning in their lives, and reach their success goals. In 2011, Joan opened Soul Proprietor, a holistic healing center focused on the personal/spiritual/success growth of her clients.

JOAN ZABELKA Tending body, mind and spirit www.Soulproprietor25.com

Chapter Ten – Concept Coaching: A Timeless Formula for Success Dr. Paul Inselman -

DAVID WRIGHT (WRIGHT) Today I’m talking with Dr. Paul S. Inselman, chiropractor, author, speaker, and business coach. He is an expert at helping business owners grow their bottom line. As a matter of fact, from 2008 through 2012, his clients’ income grew on average of 145 percent during the worst economy since the Great Depression. His caring and entertaining style allows him to teach his clients how to tap into their entrepreneurial spirit. Paul, welcome to Stepping Stones to Success.

PAUL INSELMAN (INSELMAN) David, thank you so much for talking with me today. I really do appreciate it.

WRIGHT So you began as a practicing chiropractor and then became a business coach. Tell us a little bit about yourself and how you made such a wide transition.

INSELMAN As you well know, being successful is about having a passion for what you do. Chiropractic, literally, was it for me. I ate, breathed, lived, and slept chiropractic because it literally enabled me to help so many people with just my hands—no drugs, no surgery—just my two hands. You see, David, what fuels me is that intense desire to help people, and chiropractic fulfilled that basic need for me and it also afforded me a terrific lifestyle. I have to tell you that it all ended for me at age thirty-nine. At age thirty-nine I suffered a freak accident while playing softball. I am all of five-feet seven inches, and back then I was a hundred and fifty-five pounds. While coming into home plate, the catcher, who was more than three hundred pounds, pounds blocked the plate and we collided sending me flying. I literally was thrown about ten feet. The collision caused me to have difficulty breathing. After a quick trip to the emergency room where, fortunately, nothing was broken and I was diagnosed with just being banged up, I began nursing my battered ego and my battered body. Over time the pain in my chest wall, neck, and arm became so intense and debilitating that I had to stop practicing. It turned out I wasn’t just banged up—I was literally hung out to dry. I had sustained permanent nerve damage, with permanent injuries to the muscles of the chest wall and the cartilage between the ribs. I always joke, “Hey, at least I was safe at home plate,” but what a price I paid. In an instant my entire lifestyle came to an end. Everything I knew and I loved— chiropractic—was done. I was not able to practice anymore. So what do you do at age thirty-nine, unable to practice your passion and have your income and earning potential come to a screeching halt? David, I sincerely hold the belief that everything happens for a reason. There are two things in this world: things you can control and things you can’t. For example, I live in South Florida where hurricanes are prevalent. You can’t control if a hurricane is going to hit you, however, you can control how prepared you are. The same thing here—I couldn’t take back this freak, stupid accident that destroyed my career and potentially my life, I could only learn to deal with it and look for other opportunities. So the transition came when I was hired by a chiropractic coaching company. This company taught chiropractors how to develop larger practices and better lives, and since helping people is literally in my DNA and since this was as close to practicing chiropractic as it could get, I thought it was a match.

WRIGHT Our readers have always been interested in how successful people like you are influenced by others. Would you tell our readers about some of the people in your life who made you who you are today?

INSELMAN Yes sure, without a doubt there are several heroes who have helped shape exactly who I am today. First and foremost are my mom and dad. My dad taught me how to distinguish right from wrong and that at the end of the day integrity is all that matters. Money and opportunities will come and they’ll go, but your reputation will always stick to you like glue. Guard and nurture that reputation as though your life depended upon it, because it does. My mom taught me how to be an independent thinker and to never accept the status quo. Next up is my wife, Mary. We met when we were seventeen and we’ve been together for thirty-four years. As of this writing, we’ve been married for twenty-eight years. Throughout the years she has literally been my grounding force. She keeps me balanced; she is also my rock who never lets me give up, even though at times I surely wanted to. Next, my career path was greatly influenced by Dr. Howard Loomis. I owe my clinical expertise to Dr. Loomis and much of my success. Dr. Loomis is considered to be the “Father” of modern day enzyme nutrition and I was fortunate that he somewhat adopted me and took me under his wing. He taught me how to be a true healer and he gave me many, many opportunities to succeed. I am sure that there is a person or two in the reader’s life right now who is like Dr. Loomis to him or her. My advice to the reader would be this: listen to the sage advice that that person offers. The last heroes are my kids, Brittany, my oldest daughter, never ceases to amaze me. She is a fighter and never gives up, which is what motivates me to always be on top of my game. Jessi is my youngest daughter and she is a scholastic whiz kid—straight A’s all the way through high school and college. She continuously teaches me about keeping my eye on the ball and discipline. I’ve got to tell you, it’s nice when your kids teach you something. I am very proud of both of them.

WRIGHT I know that you began coaching chiropractors how to build larger practices. Will you tell us how that morphed into full-out business coaching in all industries?

INSELMAN Yes, I will. It’s a funny question and it should really teach the readers the Field of Dreams concept—build it and they will come. The most important lesson is always deliver more than people pay for. As I said earlier, I started teaching chiropractors how to build larger and more successful practices. The results they were getting were so good they started asking me, “Will you coach my wife, my husband, my friends, my kids?” “My neighbor has another type of business can you do that?” Before I knew it, I was teaching children about how to study, develop self-esteem, and manage finances, and mind you, David, some of these kids were as young as seven years of age. Can you imagine if someone taught you the art of finances or communication at age eleven? No doubt a powerhouse would be born. I also started coaching many different types of businesses and this was very exciting to me because it was on a much broader scale. I was able to help people to achieve the life and the business they had only dreamed about. Then this took off big time and in 2010 I found myself delivering lectures and teaching business owners and leaders how to seriously grow their business. As an example, I started coaching a plumbing company. When we started, their weekly close rate as a company was 52 percent with an average ticket of $600. Six months later, the company’s weekly close rate was an average of 85 percent with the average ticket going to $1,200, obviously that creates referrals. Now, David, here is the takeaway for our readers: I always give more service than my clients pay for. While they contract for a certain amount of time, I always give the clients what they need without watching a clock, keeping timesheet, or charging extra. The result is happy clients who love to refer. I also help people improve their business because I listen very carefully to what their needs are. As Zig Ziglar said, “If you help people get what they want you will automatically get what you want.” With that said, I removed the words “me” and “my” out of the conversation and I inserted the word “you,” “them,” and “they.” This puts the focus on the client, not on me. Next, all the coaching I do is 100 percent custom created for that individual business. This is a huge plus because it is hard to grow your business from a cookie-cutter mold. Every business—every single one—has its own unique flavor and its own personality. As such, it needs to be worked upon and nurtured on an individual basis. So when a business is evaluated, it should be evaluated from top down. If upper level management or ownership does not have a clear message and identity, honestly, how can you expect the lower levels to meet expectations? So we take a top down approach, which has been extremely effective with our clients, so effective, in fact, that from 2008 through 2012, our clients’ income streams have grown on average 145 percent. This is a stat that, quite frankly, our clients are very, very happy with.

WRIGHT I can imagine that our readers are wondering how you help people. Will you tell us how you can make someone’s business better?

INSELMAN I help people grow their businesses by following a very comprehensive protocol. First, I conduct a very thorough consultation where I listen to what the client’s true needs, wants, and desires are. Next, I determine where the client needs help and I create a priority list on which a custom-made coaching curriculum will be created and designed to help the client achieve his or her goals. It is important to note that no two clients are coached the same. The plan is designed with an eye toward ROI (Return on Investment). I then hold clients accountable to do the things they say they will do. The client is then coached within a “concept coaching model” instead of using traditional coaching models. Concept coaching is all about the client and here is the difference between the two: In traditional coaching, a timer is set and when the time is up that’s it—speak to you next week, have a great day. Concept coaching ensures that the client learns and understands the concepts we’re working on. What we do is custom create a curriculum together with that client and each week we tackle the topics from that curriculum. Let’s say, for example, that we’re going to work on an exit strategy. In concept coaching, if you don’t own the concept by the end of the scheduled time, we stay on the phone until you do, and here is the beauty—there is no extra charge. Now, if you have to run or I have to run because of our schedule, not a problem. We pick up the call later that day, later that evening, or the next day and, again, there is no additional charge. This enables clients to be able to focus and learn at their own pace, without the added stress of additional charges. Now, it also works the other way: if we’re supposed to be on the phone for thirty minutes and the client masters the concept in twenty-two and a half minutes and there is nothing else that he or she needs to handle, the client is not rebated back either. Since I’ve coached in both the traditional and concept models, over the years I have found the concept model to be a phenomenal system that yields tremendous results. More importantly, though David, my clients have told me that they love and prefer this type of coaching instead of traditional coaching.

WRIGHT So when we talked earlier, you said that most people have the entrepreneurial spirit, but don’t know how to release or nurture it. Will you give our readers some insight and ideas on how they can awaken their entrepreneurial spirit?

INSELMAN Absolutely. You know, David, I truly believe that the entrepreneurial spirit is alive and well in about 90 percent of people. I also know from my experience that the majority of people don’t know how to release it. A great way to tap into that entrepreneurial spirit is to start with a blank piece of paper. Close your eyes and answer the question, “If there were no rules and you could not fail, what would your ideal business look like? Start writing. That’s the dream. Once you know what your dream is, you can then proceed to answering the next question: who do you have to become or what do you have to do in order to make your ideal business come true? This will help you identify your weaker areas and create action steps to improve them, which will help you achieve your dream. In my opinion, the entrepreneurial spirit is stoked by having a dream, creating a passion around that dream, and then creating a plan complete with substantial action steps to make that dream happen. So, from a coaching perspective, it is very exciting for me to watch my clients go through this process and then get to that ah-ha moment. Once they reach the ah-ha moment, there is no stopping them.

WRIGHT What do you think are the biggest obstacles people face in trying to become successful?

INSELMAN Oh I love this question, without a doubt, and respectfully, the biggest obstacle to success is the Clients themselves. You see, a major part of my job is keeping clients out of their own way. Human beings, by our very nature, are procrastinators and procrastination is the killer of dreams. FEAR: False Evidence Appearing Real, is another major obstacle as well. And the next obstacle is not holding ourselves accountable to do the things we say we’ll do. This will derail a person from achieving his or her goals. These are all major obstacles that I have observed in the hundreds of businesses that I have coached. My job starts with putting on my Sherlock Holmes cap, if you will, and properly diagnosing where the client’s blocks are. Then my job is to help the client develop the resources to overcome those blocks. Let me give you an example, let’s say that fear (FEAR, False Evidence Appearing Real) is stopping you from doing a live presentation. My job will be to diagnose what fear is holding you back. Let’s say that in this example the client’s fear is that she’ll make a fool of herself because she is a poor public speaker. What I would then do is to help her develop the resources to become a great public speaker. We would go over content, delivery, style of delivery, and we would go about how to answer questions, overcome objections, and so on. Then, we would role- play until she felt no fear or stress with that particular task. This is how you overcome your obstacles.

WRIGHT Would you share with our readers a little bit about what drives you to be successful?

INSELMAN Sure. My drive to become successful comes from within. For me it’s the creation of something from nothing, it’s always about helping others gain something. Let me give you an example. I love crazy ideas like let’s bring enzyme nutrition to the state of New York. Now, you have to realize that in the late eighties and early nineties, nobody had ever even heard of enzyme nutrition. Remember, I was a chiropractor not a medical doctor who was pushing this non-covered (not covered by insurance) new methodology. Can you see the uphill battle that I was presented with? The uphill battle did not stop there. In order to be able to perform the diagnostic testing procedures, I had to get the state laws amended to expand the chiropractic scope of practice. Then I had to market this crazy, unknown procedure. Next we have to top it off with well-meaning friends and family who were telling me I was crazy, it can’t be done. That’s what motivates me—making the impossible, or seemingly impossible, happen. I always felt like the Wright Brothers. Could you imagine if they believed what their friends and their families told them? “You are crazy! People don’t fly, you’ll crash and die!” There would be no airplane travel today. So by my introducing enzymes to New York State and getting laws amended, I was able to pave the way for thousands of sick patients to have the opportunity to get well safely and naturally without drugs and without surgery. Today there are many terrific enzyme practitioners in the State of New York who are there to care for the sick patients of the day. So everybody wins. The sick patients I took care of in the eighties and nineties win, the patients of today who are utilizing enzyme nutrition win, New York State wins because they collect more tax revenue, and practitioners delivering the care win. Imagine that, all from a crazy idea.

WRIGHT With so much change in today’s world and so many business techniques, how do you stay on top of your game?

INSELMAN Oh, now that’s an easy question—the coach gets coached! Not by one, but by three. I am just as human as our readers. I can procrastinate with the best, I can give into my fears with the best, but coaching keeps me grounded. It keeps me moving forward and it allows me to learn the most cutting-edge techniques in marketing, communication, and leadership. Nobody could or should do it alone. I know personally that when I am coached I play better, I work better, I feel better, and I profit in mind, body, and spirit. And everything in my world is just plain . . . better.

WRIGHT Everyone has ups and downs in their business and personal lives. What steps do you take to turn things around?

INSELMAN I would not wish that my yesterday happen to anybody. Everybody has those days, that’s the bottom line, so what I do is I always come back to basics.

1. I do my affirmations a minimum of two times per day or any time I have negative self- talk. 2. I write in a journal two times a day: I write in the morning to set my goals and in the evening I write what was successful about the day. 3. I look at my goals and I make sure that I’m doing my action steps. I look at my goals at least six times per day. This ensures that I will make instantaneous corrections to steer me toward my goals. I use the analogy that looking at your goals is like looking at your speedometer. If you were to drive from New York to Florida, I think you would look at your speedometer quite a few times. What would you do if you were going too fast? Would you slow down next week? No, you would slow down instantaneously. What if you were going too slowly? Would you speed up in two weeks? No, you would step on the gas harder right then. By making an instantaneous correction, you are able to avoid a ticket or an accident. I think people make big mistakes when they set goals. Typically, what people do is write their goals down and look at them once a week or at the end of the month. This does not present the ability to make an instantaneous correction. Thus many people do not hit their goals, get frustrated, and cease writing them. Not having written goals is a very poor strategy. Your goals are like a road map. All you need to do is follow the map and you will get to your destination. 4. I turn off the television and listen to motivational tapes (oh boy, you see how old I am—I mean CDs), or I’ll read something inspirational. This is really important for me. What is most difficult for me to do is to extricate myself from negative people. There are two types of people in this world: people who light up a room when they enter it and people who light up a room when they leave it. The latter are energy suckers and if you give them the opportunity, they will suck you down into that deep dark hole they inhabit. If I’m having a bad day, I really don’t want to be around them, especially at that time. 5. The last and best thing I do to turn around a bad day is to look for an opportunity to help someone else. Pay something forward, help carry someone’s packages to his or her car, buy a homeless person dinner. When you help someone else, your brain will automatically secrete norepinephrine and serotonin. These are neurotransmitters (brain chemicals) that give us a sense of well-being.

WRIGHT So tell me Paul, if people reading this book were interested in a coach for themselves, people who want to make their businesses better, or their lives better, what advice would you give them? What characteristics should they be looking for in a good coach?

INSELMAN That is a great, great question, David, and there are a couple of fundamental things they should look instead of.

1. You should make sure that you resonate with the coach. If you get on the phone or speak to the coach and you just don’t feel a connection there, keep walking, keep moving, because it’s just a wrong fit. It’s very important to have a right fit from the start. This is very much like a doctor-patient relationship. When you choose a doctor, how do you know that the doctor is right for you? You will usually get a referral from a trusted friend or family member. The same goes with coaching, get a referral if you are able. If you are unable to get a referral, then I would recommend that you do a Google search for a coach. Let me give you some things that you may want to look for. a) they have experience. b) they have done something you want to do. So, for example, if it’s a doctor who wants to convert an insurance-based practice into cash based practice, make sure that the coach has either converted insurance-based practices to cash himself or herself, or he or she has experience in helping other clients perform that task. c) Next, readers need to evaluate their attitude. Many small business owners wrongly think that they are too small to hire a coach. That kind of “small thinking” is destined to keep that business small. If you want to be big you have to think big, act big, invest big, and reap big rewards. Mediocrity and small thinking will hurt your growth. If the client has a small manufacturing business that’s taking a new product to market, the owner should make sure that the coach has experience in working with other business that have taken a new product to market. In my opinion, it is very important that the skills sets of the coach match what you’re looking to do. 2. The next thing is for you to interview the coach. Do you like his or her demeanor? Does the coach sound knowledgeable? Is it the coach’s way or the highway, where you have no input? Coaching, in my opinion, should be a give and take. The coach is not lord, and master—the coach is there to listen and to help the client move forward to overcome obstacles. With that said the client’s input is vital, so if you have a coach who just wants to talk, talk, talk and tell you to “do what I say to do,” it is probably not going to be a great fit. 3. The last piece to choosing the right coach is that you’ve got to make good business decisions. In business coaching, as with any investment, you’ve got to get a return on investment of either time, money, or both. So you’ve got to make fiscally responsible decisions and a coach should help you do that. Let me say the same thing only differently: a coach should be budget conscious and should never let you spend more than your budget will support.

WRIGHT So what is the message you want readers to hear so that they can learn from your success?

INSELMAN Well, first off, I feel honored that I have the ability to motivate our readers and the message is simple: if I can do it, you can too. Start with your dream, put a timeline around it, create meaningful action steps, get somebody to hold you accountable, work the plan, and never give up. The coaching process has opened the door for so many to get spectacular results. It is always exciting to see business owners achieve the life and business they dreamed of. It’s a timeless formula and it’s timeless because it works. It does not matter who you are, it does not matter the color of your skin, your religious or political beliefs, whether you’re rich or poor, the formula will work for everybody. The real question is will everybody work the formula?

WRIGHT What a great conversation, Paul. I appreciate your taking all this time with me to answer all these questions. I’ve learned a lot and I’m sure our readers are going to understand a whole lot more about coaching than they did before they read this book.

INSELMAN Again, I want to thank you for spending the time with me. I am really looking forward to answering any questions our readers might have; they can contact me at any time that’s what I’m here for.

WRIGHT Today I have been talking with Dr. Paul S. Inselman, Founder and Chairman of Creative Coaching, LLC. He is a highly accomplished businessperson who has helped hundreds of business owners achieve spectacular average growth of 145 percent from the years 2008 through 2012. Paul, thank you so much for being with us today on Stepping Stones to Success.

INSELMAN Thanks again, David. You have a great day.

About the Author

Dr. Paul S. Inselman, founder and Chairman of Creative Coaching, LLC is a highly accomplished businessperson who has helped hundreds of business owners achieve spectacular average growth of 145 percent from 2008–2012. Through his innovative and custom business coaching programs that have been created over the past twenty-seven-plus years, Paul is able to teach, motivate, and draw out the entrepreneurial spirit of his clients so they can achieve the high level of success that they deserve.

DR. PAUL S. INSELMAN Creative Coaching, LLC 5944 Coral Ridge Drive, #168 Coral Springs, FL 33076 888-201-0567 [email protected] www.creativecoachingllc.net www.inselmancoaching.com

Chapter Eleven – Clarity, Belief and Action: Success Components Dawn Legge -

DAVID WRIGHT (WRIGHT) Today I’m talking with Dawn Legge. Dawn is an international speaker, author, and coach, specializing in mind alignment, clarity, and action. She is a Master Practitioner of Neurolinguistic Programming, a Master Practitioner of Hypnotherapy, and a Master Practitioner of Timeline Empowerment. She has twenty years’ experience as a teacher, performance coach, and as a high performance saleswoman. She works with entrepreneurs, sales professionals, and leaders to help them achieve larger results. Dawn’s background in psychology and Neurolinguistic Programming offers her an edge in human growth and human potential. A lifelong entrepreneur, she has owned dozens of businesses. Dawn, welcome to Stepping Stones to Success.

WRIGHT I’ve asked this question to many, many people down through the years and I get all kinds of answers, so I’ll ask you as well: what is your definition of success?

LEGGE I would define success as attaining something I desire or having an end result that I desire. Success includes the emotional, physical, financial, and spiritual rewards received from consistent connection to passion and purpose. I can look at my life and see when I have hit the mark and when I have missed the target by miles. What is present for me when I attain the desired result or outcome is: passion and purpose. Success for me happens naturally when I am living my life with passion and purpose. When I am excited to get out of bed in the morning to work on something, success will find me. When I am excited and engaged in the present moment and about my future, I move forward in the direction of my dream. Getting caught up in the past just keeps me stagnant.

WRIGHT A lot of people say that failure is really a steppingstone to success, so how do you define failure?

LEGGE Often on my path to success, I have experienced failed mechanisms. What I mean by this is having a vision of where I want to go, choosing a path to get there, and experiencing failure from that specific path. This is not an overall failure, it is mechanism failure. There are many ways to accomplish anything. Giving up on a dream because of a failed mechanism is a failure for me. Failure for me is also a failed learning. Life is full of challenges and as long as we are pushing the blame for what happens to us outside of ourselves, we fail to learn from them. For me, in my life, anytime I assume the role of victim I have failed. I am essentially deflecting the message of the lesson and therefore bound to repeat it. The message recurs until I learn it, accept it, and incorporate the learned lesson into my life. Some of the greatest lessons I have learned have come from situations or results other people would label as a failure. I learned from them— I learned valuable, positive, empowering lessons—so I do not see them as failures. An example of a “failed learning” shows up like this: Having a negative experience and walking away from it learning that people cannot be trusted, so you will never trust again. This is a failed learning because that belief is simply not true. People can be trusted, so what is the real, positive, empowering learning that came from this lesson?

WRIGHT Would you tell our readers the secret of your success?

LEGGE There are three main factors that are always present when I experience success:

1. I know what I want. This is big. There have been times in my life when I honestly could not answer the question, “What do I want?” Instead, I had a big list of what I didn’t want. I see this countless times when working with people one-on-one. Most people have no idea what they truly want. Some might have vague ideas of more happiness or more money. This simple question can be surprisingly difficult to answer. Getting clear about what I want, what it looks like and feels like, is always the first step. If I have no idea what I want, I’m not pursuing anything and nothing is obtained. 2. Believe it’s possible. The next big element is a belief that it is possible for me. I have big dreams and I spend a lot of time convincing myself that they will happen. I talk to a lot of people in my coaching practice who have big dreams, yet they spend a lot of time telling me all the reasons why they cannot have what they want or reinforcing the reasons why it is not possible for them. I have seen this play out in my own life numerous times: wanting something, getting close, then losing it. And it all boils down to not really believing I can have it. If I truly, truly believe in my dream, nothing will stop me. If I have nagging little voices in my head telling me that this is outside of my reach, then that is where it stays—just outside of my reach. I believe in my dreams! If I don’t, no one else will. 3. Action trumps everything. Great ideas are just great ideas until I take action on them. I find that sometimes I can get so involved in planning it or perfecting it, that I actually stand still. This is simply an avoidance technique. If I am not ready or I am not sure what action to take, it is an excuse to not do anything. Taking action is clearly better than not taking action. I’ve even learned that taking action in a poor direction is better than not taking any action at all. As long as I’m taking a step every day, one foot after another, I’m getting closer. Even a step in the wrong direction can lead to a step in the right direction.

WRIGHT So what is the message in this chapter you want other people to hear so that they can learn from your success?

LEGGE The big message is just to get clear, believe it, and take action.

WRIGHT Many years ago I read an article about one of the common threads that weaves through the lives of all self-made millionaires. That thread is their ability to overcome obstacles. When millionaires were asked what the most difficult thing for them was, the answer: procrastination. Obviously they didn’t get rid of it, but they did overcome it. What is your secret to overcoming obstacles—how do you stay on track?

LEGGE One of my favorite stories to tell when I discuss overcoming obstacles is the story of my business loan. One of my businesses required a large initial investment in equipment in order to start the business. I was not in a strong financial position at that time, so the entire investment had to come in the form of a loan. I believed with every fiber of my being that starting this business was my destiny. My entire life of twenty-eight years had led to this moment and no one could convince me otherwise. I made a dynamo business plan asking for more money than I had ever seen, and walked into my personal bank. I proudly handed the president of the bank my business plan and within twenty-four hours I received my first denial letter. During the next one hundred and twenty days, I collected more than sixty denial letters and received countless voicemails politely rejecting my dream. I saved every single one of the letters and still have them to this day. I remember putting them in a file folder thinking, “Someday I am going to look back at all these letters and thank myself for not giving up. This folder will be motivational for me in two years because the letters inside will always remind me not to give up on my dreams.” I had bankers laugh at me, say horrible, nasty things about my dream, tell me that I will never make it, and tell me I am just a kid and I don’t know what I am doing. Despite their feedback, their comments never crushed my spirit. Sure, I had some weak moments of sobbing in the car in the bank parking lot. That absolutely happened a few times; however, it did not last long. Overall, I knew that it would happen. I knew it in the pit of my soul. It finally did happen and I ended up running that business for eight years before selling it. Each denial I received eventually led me to the yes that funded my business loan. It was a referral from my sixty-eighth denial that lead me to the high risk lender who said yes to my dream and funded my loan. Even the loan officer who processed the loan said he had never seen such a high risk loan go through so fast. My loan closed within two hundred days of creating my business plan. Most people would have given up after the fifth denial letter, others after ten. I stuck with it knowing it would happen, and it did. I did modify my business plan with each denial—I modified the mechanism to get there. I changed my strategy from targeting large commercial banks to focusing more on smaller, higher risk lenders. The “how” for me changed, but never the “what”—I knew I would get the money, I just did not know how. Life has convinced me that when the intention is clear, the mechanism will appear. It is so easy to get stuck on the how. I believe that the how is God’s responsibility, it is the magic of the universe. To answer your question of how I stay on track, I stay connected to my big picture from the example of my business loan above. I knew with every fiber of my being that I was going to run that business; each denial I got from potential lenders was just a little bump in the road.

WRIGHT Do you write your goals down?

LEGGE Absolutely! For me, a goal is made up of ideas and thoughts until it is put on paper. Writing it down helps me solidify an idea into a clearly defined goal. I always ask myself the question, “How will I know that I have accomplished this goal?” Once I have a clearly defined answer to that question and clearly defined a timeline, I have a goal. I do write my goals using the SMART goal-setting structure: Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Risky, Time-bound. I also read my goals and my vision daily, usually in the morning, to help set a clear intention for my day.

WRIGHT You have written that you write down your vision. Is there a difference between writing down a goal and writing down a vision?

LEGGE Yes, for me there is. When I think about my vision, it’s the big picture of who I am in the world. What is my purpose here and how am I contributing to the betterment of humanity? It is a statement I live by, the way I show up to the world and to other people. A goal can answer the question, How will I know when I have accomplished this goal? A vision is more vague, yet equally as powerful.

WRIGHT I know you’ve been asked this countless times in your life: how do you stay so upbeat and happy all the time?

LEGGE This might be the first time I will have answered this question honestly. Yes, I have been asked this question countless times. Those who know me well are always asking me my secret and here it is. I used to dance around this question a lot, especially in my youth because most people already know the answer and they just don’t want to hear it. I used to say, “Oh, I just drink a lot of coffee,” or “I eat a lot of sugar.” But here’s the real deal: why I am so happy all the time is because I choose to be. In my very first job as a teenager, I had a supervisor who said something to me that always stayed with me. He said, “There are two kinds of people in the world: people who give and people who take.” He explained to me that every interaction with another human being is like an energy exchange. We’re either giving to others or taking from others. He used this example: “Think of a homeless guy on the street. How do you approach him? Do you just walk by, ignoring him, pretending he is not there? Or do you make eye contact and smile at him. Do you say anything to him? Do you offer him anything? Using that situation, when you ignore him are you giving to him, or taking from him? Now, flipping the coin, if you smile at him and wish him a good day, is that giving to him or taking from him? Let’s look at it from another angle. How about that co-worker who just makes you cringe, or that pesky neighbor who does everything possible to annoy you. Do you give or take from them? I remember specifically asking about neutral people. He said that the answer was simple—if you’re neutral, you’re taking. It’s a give and a take, and there is no neutral energy exchanges. You either smile at someone or you don’t and you make somebody feel good or you don’t— that’s give and take. Then he asked me, “What do you choose? Are you a giver or a taker?” That question stayed with me throughout the last twenty-five years. The honest answer here is, I choose to be a giver. I don’t always wake up excited and happy; however, I will be in that mental state before I leave my house. The other thing I do that’s critical is to keep my mind space pure. This is absolutely imperative for me. I keep positive and empowering thoughts in my mind and I’m conscious of the conversations running through my head. Any negative, disempowering thoughts get dismissed immediately. This has taken years of practice. I purposely daydream about the good things that I want to happen. I know how easy it can be to think about the things I don’t want to happen. It’s like replaying an unpleasant conversation or situation over and over again in my mind. That is not what I want and it is certainly not what I want more of. I want my mind to be pure and free of negativity. When I find myself in a negative thinking cycle, I immediately start thinking about the opposite. So if I am replaying a negative conversation in my head, I will start thinking about how I would have liked that conversation to go instead. How can I make this yucky feeling feel empowering? I watch very little television, especially the news. I have never watched a full news hour and felt good afterward. I keep my environment happy and positive. I’m careful who I spend time with, especially considerable amounts of time, and what kinds of conversations we have. I do not want to talk about all that is wrong in the world—I want to talk about all the beauty and wonder of it. I politely excuse myself from doom and gloom conversations. I just do not engage in it. I refer to this as an information diet, restricting the type of input to only the most empowering and inspiring. It is easy to feel happy all the time when you surround yourself with things that make you feel happy.

WRIGHT A while ago you talked about passion. How do you define passion and how do you get it?

LEGGE Passion for me comes from putting my heart into what I’m doing. I’m not sure passion is something that you can get; I think it’s something that you create. I like the quote from Brendon Burchard, author of The Charged Life.

“The power plant does not store energy, it creates it.”

This describes passion perfectly for me. I do not believe that we have a built-in storehouse of passion to be used as needed. Passion is cultivated within us, so if there is a lack of passion, it’s not as though there is a reserve of it—if we want it, we create it. If we want to feel more of anything—energy, passion, inspiration, love—all we need to do is create it. We can all think back to a time in life when we felt happy, motivated, excited, loved, or passionate. Just thinking about those times and remembering those feelings creates more of that exact same feeling.

WRIGHT So why do you think more people are not in tune with their passion?

LEGGE If you have a dream and you’re pursuing it, passion flows. I think a lot of people have given up on dreaming and it’s easy to get stuck in a comfortable life where you wake up and go through the motions of the daily routine and then you go to bed. This is repeated indefinitely; people just accept this and they live it every day. It is extremely unfulfilling and toxic to happiness. Getting stuck in this routine of going through the motions in life disconnects us from being connected to what we want. I work with a lot of people one-on-one and I ask this question a lot: what do you want? People struggle to answer this. I like to quote Mark Twain here:

“I believe I can help anyone accomplish what it is that they want. The problem is I can’t find anyone who will tell me what they want.”

This is very true; most people are not in touch with what they want. In fact, they’re so in touch with what they don’t want that they hardly even consider the flip side of the coin. This approach to life will drain the passion and happiness out of anybody. If you’re not pursuing anything in life, you’ll surely obtain it.

WRIGHT So what does it mean to you to be in alignment?

LEGGE Alignment for me is when all systems are go, I know what I want, I believe I can do it, and I take consistent action toward it. I find that when I say I want something and a little nagging voice inside says, “you’ll never do that” or “you’re not smart enough” or “good enough” or “worthy enough,” then there is internal misalignment. What I say and what I believe will both be heading in the same direction for me to have complete alignment. Actions are the result of whatever belief is stronger. Are my actions aligned with what I say? If not, it is a big red flag for me in my life and for the people I work with. For example, in the area of health and fitness, if I say I want to be athletic and healthy and my actions are eating ice-cream and cookies for dinner and skipping workouts, then I’m not actually aligned with my goal—I’m not taking action aligned with it. In the area of career, misalignment might look like this: if I want to acquire ten new clients this month and I choose to sit home on the couch watching television instead of prospecting, I’m not really in alignment with what I want. Misalignment makes the journey so much more challenging. It’s a fight—you fight yourself the whole way. It could be effective but it’s the hard path in life. Ultimately, I find in the long run that the hard path just ends up repeating itself and you end up gaining all the weight back and now you’re back at square one, or losing all your money and now it is square one again. So it’s the difference between taking actions toward what you want, versus taking action toward what you don’t want. It’s the internal motivation that steers the journey. An example in the area of relations is the difference between the two following statements:

I don’t want to be alone I want to be in a loving relationship.

Each of these statements presents a motivation for something—a desire. One is focused on what you don’t want, which is being alone. The other is focused on what you do want, being in a loving relationship. So when the motivation is “I don’t want to be alone,” ultimately we end up creating that same result—being alone. Because that’s our point of focus, our mind will only allow us to get so far from the motivating factor before we take a couple of steps closer to it again. When we focus on “I want to be in a loving relationship,” we’re always moving in the direction of our motivation. In business, think about the focus of poverty versus prosperity. When we focus on “I don’t want to struggle financially,” we ultimately end up creating more struggle. When we focus on prosperity, we end up creating prosperity.

WRIGHT If someone came up to you who wanted to do something with his or her life, to change for the better, what would you say if you were asked what do people need in order to be successful?

LEGGE I am sure you are noticing a theme by now. The true cocktail is:

* Know what you want. * Believe it will happen. * Take Action in that direction.

WRIGHT Clarity keeps coming up. I’m almost ready to say now that I don’t think anything could come before clarity. Clarity sets the path for everything else, doesn’t it?

LEGGE Yes absolutely. If you’re pursuing nothing, you will absolutely get it, that’s just how it works. If you don’t know what you want, you’re obviously not moving in the direction to get it. I like to use an analogy here. Let’s say I rented a big sailboat for the week and I invited you and all of my friends onto the boat with me, we set sail and everybody asks, “Dawn, where are we going?.” Not having clarity is like answering that question by saying, “Well, I don’t know. Not only do I not know, I disconnected the rudder under the boat so we will just float to wherever we float. It is true, we will get somewhere, I just have no clue where that is.” When we are not moving in any particular direction in life, we are essentially just floating along the path of life ending where the wind blows us.

WRIGHT Today I have been talking with Dawn Legge. Dawn is an international speaker, author, and coach specializing in mind alignment, clarity, and action. She has endless passion for turning ideas into reality. Dawn, thank you so much for being with us today on Stepping Stones to Success.

About the Author

Dawn Legge, MPNLP, MPHt, MPTE, is a speaker, author, and coach. She is a Master Practitioner of Neurolinguistic Programming, a Master Practitioner of Hypnotherapy, and a Master Practitioner of Timeline Empowerment. She is also a certified Yoga Instructor and an award-winning children’s entertainer. Dawn opened her first business right out of high school and has owned and operated dozens of businesses throughout the last eighteen years. Her innate gift for working with people and providing solutions granted her years of success in sales, marketing, and business. Dawn has a proven track record for breaking into new industries, dominating her market, and achieving results. Her interest in human psychology, the human mind, and behavior gives her an edge over anyone else. Dawn’s passion for growth naturally led her to a career in personal development.

DAWN LEGGE, MPNLP, MPHT, MPTE P.O. Box 370142 Denver, CO 80237 303-669-8385 [email protected]

Chapter Twelve – Develop a Disciplined Life Dr. Denis Waitley -

DAVID WRIGHT (WRIGHT) Today we are talking with Dr. Denis Waitley. Denis is one of America’s most respected authors, keynote lecturers, and productivity consultants on high performance human achievement. He has inspired, informed, challenged, and entertained audiences for more than twenty-five years from the boardrooms of multi-national corporations to the control rooms of NASA’s space program and from the locker rooms of world-class athletes to the meeting rooms of thousands of conventioneers throughout the world. With more than ten million audio programs sold in fourteen languages, Denis Waitley is the most listened-to voice on personal and career success. He is the author of twelve non-fiction books, including several international bestsellers. His audio album, “The Psychology of Winning,” is the all-time best-selling program on self-mastery. Dr. Waitley is a founding director of the National Council on Self-Esteem and the President’s Council on Vocational Education. He recently received the “Youth Flame Award” from the National Council on Youth Leadership for his outstanding contribution to high school youth leadership.

WRIGHT A graduate of the U.S. Naval Academy Annapolis, and former Navy pilot, he holds a doctorate degree in human behavior. Denis, it is my sincere pleasure to welcome you to Stepping Stones to Success! Thank you for being with us today.

DENIS WAITLEY (WAITLEY) David, it’s great to be with you again. It’s been too long. I always get excited when I know you’re going to call. Maybe we can make some good things happen for those who are really interested in getting ahead and moving forward with their own careers in their lives.

WRIGHT I know our readers would enjoy hearing you talk about your formative years. Will you tell us a little about your life growing up in the context of what you’ve achieved and what shaped you into the person you are today? Do you remember one or two pivotal experiences that propelled you on the path you eventually chose?

WAITLEY I believe many of us are redwood trees in a flowerpot. We’ve become root-bound by our earlier environment and it’s up to each of us to realize that and break out of our flower pot if we’re going to grow to our full potential. I remember my father left our home when I was a little boy. He said goodnight and goodbye and suddenly I became the man of the family at age nine. My little brother was only two, so I had to carry him around as my little shadow for the ensuing years. To this day my kid brother has always looked at me as his dad, even though there is only seven years’ difference between us. He’ll phone me and ask what he should do and I’ll tell him, “I’m your brother, not your father!” Our dad was a great guy but he drank too much and had some habits that took a firm hold on him. He never abused me and always expected more from me than he did from himself. I had a push-pull—on the one hand, I felt inadequate and guilty when I would go to succeed but on the other hand, Dad kept feeding me the idea that he missed his ship and I’d catch mine. The only thing I could do to get out of that roller coaster impact was to ride my bicycle twenty miles every Saturday over to my grandmother’s house. She was my escape. I would mow her lawn and she would give me such great feedback and reinforcement. She told me to plant the seeds of greatness as she and I planted our “victory garden” during World War II. She told me that weeds would come unannounced and uninvited—I didn’t need to worry about weeds coming into my life, they didn’t even need to be watered. I said, “Wow! You don’t have to water weeds?” “No,” she replied, “they’ll show up in your life and what you need to do, my grandson, is model your life after people who’ve been consistent and real in their contribution as role models and mentors.” She also told me that a library card would eventually be much more valuable than a Master Card. Because of my grandmother reading biographies of people who’d overcome so much more than I was going through, I thought, “Wow! I don’t have any problems compared to some of these great people in history who really came from behind to get ahead.” I think that was my start in life. I went to the Naval Academy because the Korean War was in force and you had to serve your country, so the best way was to run and hide in an academy. If you earned enough good grades you were put through without a scholarship or without money from your parents. Since my parents didn’t have any money, it was a great way to get a college education. I became a Navy pilot after that and learned that if you simulate and rehearse properly you’ll probably learn to fly that machine. But much of it has to do with the amount of practice you put into ground school and into going through the paces. As I gained experience being a Navy pilot, I eventually decided to go on and get my advanced degree in psychology because I wanted to develop people rather than stay in the military. I pursued a program where I could take my military and more disciplined background and put it into human development. That’s basically the story. I earned my doctorate, I met Jonas Salk, and Dr. Salk introduced me to some pioneers in the behavioral field. Then along came Earl Nightingale who heard just a simple taped evening speech of mine and decided that maybe my voice was good enough, even though I was a “new kid on the block,” to maybe do an album on personal development, which I did in 1978. It surprised me the most, and everyone else also, that it became one of the bestsellers of all time.

WRIGHT Being a graduate of Annapolis and having been a Navy pilot, to what degree did your experience in the Navy shape your life and your ideas about productivity and performance?

WAITLEY David, I think those experiences shaped my life and ideas a great deal. I was an original surfer boy from California and when I entered the Naval Academy I found that surfer boys had their heads shaved and were told to go stand in line—everyone’s successful so you’re nothing special. I found myself on a team that was very competitive but at the same time had good camaraderie. I realized that I didn’t have the kind of discipline structure in my life that I needed. I also discovered that all these other guys were as talented, or more talented, than I was. What that shaped for me was realizing that the effort required to become successful is habit-forming. I think I learned healthy habits at the Academy and as a Navy pilot just to stay alive. To perform these kinds of functions I really had to have a more disciplined life. That set me on my stage for working more on a daily basis at habit formation than just being a positive thinker only.

WRIGHT In our book, Stepping Stones to Success, we’re exploring a variety of issues related to human nature and the quest to succeed. In your best-selling program, The Psychology of Winning, you focus on building self-esteem, motivation, and self-discipline. Why are these so crucial to winning and success?

WAITLEY They’re so crucial they’re misunderstood. I think especially the term “self-esteem” is misunderstood. We’ve spent a fortune and we had a California committee on it—we formed the National Council on Self-Esteem. What has happened, in my opinion, is that self-esteem has been misused and misjudged as being self-indulgence, self-gratification—a celebrity kind of mentality. We’ve put too much emphasis on the wrong idea about self-esteem. Self-esteem is actually the deep down, inside the skin feeling of your own worth regardless of your age, ethnicity, gender, or level of current performance. It’s really a belief that you’re good enough to invest in education and effort and you believe some kind of dream when that’s all you have to hang onto. What’s happened, unfortunately, is that we’ve paid so much attention to self-esteem it’s become a celebrity and an arena mentality kind of concept. Most people are “struttin’ their stuff” and they’re celebrating after every good play on the athletic field, whereas, if you’re a real professional, that’s what you do anyway. A real professional is humble, gracious, and understands fans. I think that what we’ve done is put too much emphasis on asserting one’s self and believing that you’re the greatest and then talking about it too much or showing off too much in order to make that self-esteem public. The real self-esteem has two aspects: 1) Believing that you deserve as much as anyone else and that you’re worthy. Someone may look at you and tell you they see real potential in you. If you can feel that you have potential and you’re worth the effort, that’s the first step. 2) The second step is to start doing things to give you confidence so that when you do something and learn something it works out and you’ll get the self-confidence that comes from reinforcing small successes. That combination of expectation and reinforcement is fundamental to anyone who wants to be a high achiever. That’s what self-esteem is really all about—deserving on the one hand and reinforcing success in small ways to get your motor running and feel the confidence that you can do better than you have been. Fears crop up and get in the way of our motivation. In my case I was afraid of success. Nobody had ever succeeded in our family and because they hadn’t, I felt inadequate to be able to succeed. Whenever it would show up around the corner I would think, “Well, this is too good to be true for me—I don’t deserve that.” So I would feel a little bit doubtful of my abilities. When I would succeed, there would be an attendant, “Yelp!” I would feel because I would not believe I deserved what I had achieved. I think fear is the thing that gets in the way of our motivation because we’re all motivated by inhibitions and compulsions. You should be motivated more by the result you want rather than the penalty. That’s why I’ve always said that winners are motivated by reward of success rather than inhibited or compelled by the penalty of failure. If you get this conviction that you’re as good as the best but no better than the rest—I’m worth the effort, I’m not Mr. Wonderful, I’m not the center of the universe but I can do some things that I haven’t done yet—and then apply this motivation to desire rather than fear, that is when self-discipline comes into play. I’d have to say, David, I could spend the entire interview on self-discipline because I missed it as one of the most important ingredients in success. I’ve always been a belief guy, an optimism guy, a faith guy, and all the self-esteem things but I think, as time went on, I forgot the amount of discipline it takes for anyone who is a champion in any endeavor. I think I’m back on that track now.

WRIGHT I can really appreciate the Flame Award you won from the National Council on Youth Leadership for helping high school leaders. I’ve got a daughter in college and I know how difficult and important it is. But in some circles, self-esteem has gotten a bad reputation. For example, in many schools, teachers won’t reward high achievers for fear of hurting the self- esteem of others in the classroom. Many people feel this is not helpful to these children. In your opinion, where is the balance between building healthy self-esteem and preparing kids and adults to cope and succeed in a competitive world?

WAITLEY I think that there has to first of all be some kind of performance standard. A good example is the Olympic Games. The idea of the Olympic Games is to set a standard that you’ve tried to live up to in your own way as a world-class person, realizing that there can only be so many Olympians and so many gold medalists and so on. I think, on the one hand, it’s really important to have standards because if you have a standard, then you have something tangible to shoot for or to measure against. I think there’s a problem, however, in that only so many people can be medalists and win medals at the Olympics. One of the reasons that the high jump bar, for example, is set so that everyone can jump over it the first time, is to experience the feeling of success that first jump produces. The feeling of success is working in the competitor before the bar is raised to world record height and to much higher standards than even the normal Olympian. I’m one who believes in testing. It’s difficult when you have a “No Child Left Behind” concept because many times today we’re going pass/fail. We’re moving people up through the grades regardless of their performance simply because we don’t want them left behind and therefore feeling that they’re not able to function simply because they can’t compete with some students who’ve been given many more opportunities to succeed than others. Having said that, I’d say that healthy self-esteem is gained by giving specific stair-step, incremental, bite-sized pieces; perhaps there needs to be several different standards set. Usually the grading system does that and the point system does that where you have someone who has a four point three grade average because of all the extra credits they’re taking. Then you have those with a three point eight and then those who are just barely passing. Unfortunately then, what that does is enable only a few people to get into universities and the others have to go to community colleges. What I will have to say, however, is that we in the United States have to be very careful that we don’t dumb down or lower our standards for excellence in our schools. Traveling as much as I do, I have discovered information about this. For example, there are 300 universities in Beijing alone—just in one city in China. The way it goes internationally is that the public schools in Japan, for example, are much more competitive than the private schools. If you’re in Japan going to a public school, you have to really perform up to the highest standards in order to ever think of qualifying for any kind of university. You’d have to go into a vocational school if you didn’t compete in higher standards in public schools in Japan. The same thing is true in Singapore, China, and in the developing nations. We have a situation brewing here where we’ve got global developing countries with really high standards in English, mathematics, engineering, and science. And we have educators in the United States who are more concerned about making sure that the self-esteem of an individual doesn’t get damaged by this competitive standard. I think we have to maintain standards of excellence. I wish we had kept dress codes in schools. I have found schools that have marching bands. A certain amount of uniformity not only encourages greater athletic performance but higher academic standards as well. The same is true globally. There’s an argument that if you put kids in uniforms, you’re going to limit their creative thinking. The truth is, if you can standardize the way people appear in their style, then you can focus more on substance—their experience, imagination, contribution, and their study. The core of an individual rather than the surface of an individual can be developed much better. It would be great if we could combine the more disciplined aspects of the developing countries with the more entrepreneurial, creative, free- thinking aspects of our society, which means we’re critical thinkers (i.e., you throw us a problem and we’ll try everything we can possibly think of to solve it). In the developing countries they’ll use a textbook or an older person’s experience rather than using critical thinking. We’re very entrepreneurial here in America, but I’m very much concerned that our standards are being lowered too much. If we’re not careful, we’re going to take our place in the future as a second-rate educational country and therefore forfeit the idea of being a technological and market leader.

WRIGHT I also hear grumbling about motivation. I’m sure you’ve seen business people roll their eyes a bit at the mention of listening to “motivational” tapes or CDs. Some tire of getting all hyped up about change or sales goals, for example, only to lose their excitement and fail to reach their goals. Are they missing something critical about the nature or application of motivation?

WAITLEY I really believe they are, David. I think they’re missing the idea that what you want in life turns you on much more than what you need in life. Too often business managers even today focus on the hard skills because they say that the other skills are “soft skills.” Well, there’s no such thing as a hard or soft skill because you can’t separate your personal from your professional life anymore. You get fired more for personal reasons—for being late, for your habits, for you hygiene, your behavior, your anger. This idea that technical training as opposed to motivation is the way to go is misguided. I have found that employees are excited and are full of desire and energy because management listens to them, reinforces them, is interested in their personal goals, and is interested in keeping them inspired. That inspiration is what we remember. So, when we go to a meeting we remember how we felt about the meeting, not the specifics of the meeting. I think this emotional component—keeping people’s energy and desires foremost and doing a desire analysis of employees rather than just a needs analysis—is very, very important. I often think this is lost in the idea that we’re giving a pep talk, or a quick fix, or a Band-Aid when, as Zig Ziglar has mentioned so many times, “Motivation is like taking a bath. You take a bath every day and you might say why take a bath—you’re going to get dirty anyway.” But the very nature of doing it, and doing it on a habitual basis, makes this positive energy continue to flow and motivation becomes habit-forming. I think you need a lot of it to keep these habits of excellence or else you’ll just be running scared—you’ll be afraid not to do well because you’ll lose your job. Believe it or not, we have a lot of employees in America who are working harder than they ever have before so they won’t be fired. That’s not really the way to go after a goal—constantly looking through the rear view mirror trying to cover your behind.

WRIGHT If you don’t mind, I’d like to change the focus a little to the topic of self-discipline. People seem to know what they should do and how they should change, but they just can’t discipline themselves to take the necessary steps to do so. What is the secret to becoming a disciplined person?

WAITLEY I think the secret is to get a team, a support group, a mastermind group because not only is there safety in numbers but there’s accountability in numbers. When we are accountable to one another to maintain a certain standard of discipline, it’s much easier to work out if someone else is getting up at six-thirty in the morning with you. It’s much easier to have a support group if you’re interested in maintaining a healthier diet, for example, because the temptations are irresistible to procrastinate and to fall off the wagon. That’s why I believe you need a team effort. It also has to be understood in an immediate gratification society that there is no “success pill” that you can swallow. There is no quick way to get rich and get to the top. There is this steady ratcheting to the top and that’s why I think leaders need to say it’s going to take us about a year to get any permanent change going. So, I think we should all understand there may be a little dip in productivity as we start this new program of ours—a little dip at first and a little uncertainty—but over time, over about a year, we’re going to become like an astronaut or an Olympian. We need to engrain these ideas so they become reflexive. It takes about a year for an idea or a habit to become a reflex. This idea of being able to do it in twenty-one days is misguided. I don’t think it takes twenty-one days to learn a skill. It may take twenty-one days to learn to type, it may take twenty-one days to begin to learn a skill, but it takes a year for it to get into the subconscious and take hold. I think we have to learn that discipline is practicing on a daily basis for about a year so that it will become a habit—a pattern—that will override the old inner software program.

WRIGHT I’m a big believer in the greater potential of the individual. I remember a fellow—Paul Myer—who helped me a lot when I was a young guy. He was in Waco, Texas, with a company called Success Motivation Institute. You may know him.

WAITLEY I know him very well. Actually, he’s one of the icons and pioneers in this entire field. He and Earl Nightingale were the first ones to ever have a recorded speaking message other than music. Earl and Paul were pioneers in audio recording and I have still a great respect for Paul. I spoke for his organization some time ago.

WRIGHT He personally helped me a lot when I was younger and I just really appreciated him. In your book and program, Seeds of Greatness, you outline a system for nurturing greatness. Will you give us a brief overview of this program?

WAITLEY It’s taken me thirty years to get this thing to where I want it. I wrote the book twenty years ago titled, Seeds of Greatness, and sure, it became a bestseller but so did One Minute Manager, In Search of Excellence, Iacocca, and every other book at that time. I have trouble keeping that thing pumped up. Over the years I’ve found that Seeds of Greatness, for me, has been a system. What I’ve had to do is go back through all the mistakes I’ve made as a family leader. I knew I was a father and not a mother and father so I had to find a mother who was also a good clinical psychologist and who had worked with every form of behavioral problem. We put our efforts together so that we had a man and a woman as family leaders with clinical and other experience who could give parents or leaders of the day a certain track to run on where they could coach their small children and adolescents on a daily basis. I provided a perpetual calendar that gives coaching tips of the day—what I call “sign on the day” and “sign off the day”—for parents to use to communicate with their kids. Then I had to put nineteen CDs together—audio tracks—that covered these “roots and wings,” which I would call the “core values” and the more motivational or, if you will, ways to set your kids free. The idea of parenthood should be to lay the groundwork, make it safe to fail an experiment, and then send them off on their own as independent, not codependent, young adults so they can reach their own destiny. I divided it into “roots of core values” and “wings of self-motivation and self-direction” and tried to balance the two so that whether you’re from a blended family, or a single parent family, and whether you’re structurally religious or whether you’re spiritually religious, it would work, regardless of your personal core belief system. I’m very happy that we’ve finally put together a self-study program that can be taught by the authors or by people who are licensed facilitators. It’s something that a family leadership group could take and work on their own at their own speed by watching, listening, interacting with their kids, and using a combination of a written book, the audios, the DVDs, and this coaching calendar to maybe put it all together so that over a period of six months to a year they might be able to effect some changes in the way they interact with their kids.

WRIGHT Sounds great! Before our time runs out, would you share a story or two about your real life coaching and consulting experiences? I know you’ve coached astronauts and Super Bowl champions as well, haven’t you?

WAITLEY Well, I have. I’ve been lucky to work within the Apollo program in the simulation area. I found that simulation prevents failure of the first attempt. In other words, if you’re going to go to the moon and they’re going to shoot you up a quarter of a million miles up and back in a government vehicle, you had better have your rehearsal down and really pat. The astronauts teach you that the dress rehearsal is life or death. The Olympians teach you that at the moment you go to perform, you need to clear your mind so you can remember everything you learned without trying—you develop muscle memory and reflex. Twenty-one years ago when Mary Lou Retton was doing the vault, she needed a nine point nine five to tie the Romanian for the gold medal in women’s all around gymnastics. I asked her what she was thinking about when she went to vault and she said, “Oh gosh, I guess what everyone thinks about—speed, power, explode, extend, rotate, plant your feet at the end. When the pressure is on I get better just like drill. ‘Come on, Mary Lou, this is your moment in history!’ ” I thought, “Wow! That’s not what everyone thinks. What everyone thinks is, ‘Thank God it’s Friday,’ ‘Why me?’ ‘Don’t work too hard,’ ‘Countin’ down to Friday,’ ‘Looking to five P.M.,’ ‘Romanians are better trained, probably on steroids,’ “ So I get these stories of Olympians who have internalized this wonderful running the race in advance and simulating as well. I guess the one story that I’ll share is about a ten-year-old boy. In about 1980 this boy came to a goal-setting seminar. He told me that none of the people who had paid their money were really working on their goals. They were really thinking about what they were going to eat and golf. I gave him a work book and told him to go back and do what they were supposed to do and write down his abilities and liabilities, what he was going to do this year and next year and five years from now and twenty years from now. He got all excited because he thought it was this wonderful game that you can play called, Write the Future, or Describe the Future. So he ran back and worked on the project and forty-five minutes later he astounded the adults in the audience by saying he was earning money mowing lawns and shoveling snow so he could go to Hawaii on the fourteenth of July to snorkel on the big island of Hawaii’s Kona Coast. Then he said next year he’d be eleven going into the fifth grade and he was going to build models of what was going to be a space shuttle and he was going to begin to learn more about numbers and math. In five years he’d be fifteen and as a tenth-grader. He said he would study math and science because he wanted to go to the Air Force academy—he was all excited about that. I asked him what he was going to be doing in twenty years and he said he’d be an astronaut delivering UPS packages in space. I forgot all about him and twenty years later, sure enough, I saw him on the Today Show as they showed a picture of an astronaut on a tether line pulling the satellite into the bay of the space shuttle. I thought, “My gosh! This kid did what I only talk about in the seminars.” He was a living, breathing example of someone who was focused on this. I said to my family, “Look at what he did!” And they said, “What have you been doing for the last twenty years?” I said I was a goal tender. They told me I should be a goal achiever too.

WRIGHT What a great conversation. I always enjoy talking with you. It’s not just uplifting—I always learn a lot when I talk with you.

WAITLEY Well, David, I do with you as well. You’ve got a great program and you do a lot of good for people who read and watch and listen. I think you give them insights that otherwise they would never get. I’m just grateful to be one of the contributors and one of the members of your global team.

WRIGHT It has been my sincere pleasure today to visit with a truly great American, Dr. Denis Waitley. Denis, thank you for taking so much of your time to share your insights and inspirations for us here on Stepping Stones to Success.

WAITLEY Thank you very much, David.

About the Author

Denis Waitley is one of America’s most respected authors, keynote lecturers and productivity consultants on high performance human achievement. He has inspired, informed, challenged, and entertained audiences for over twenty-five years from the board rooms of multinational corporations to the control rooms of NASA’s space program and from the locker rooms of world-class athletes to the meeting rooms of thousands of conventioneers throughout the world. He was voted business speaker of the year by the Sales and Marketing Executives Association and by Toastmasters International and inducted into the International Speakers Hall of Fame. With over ten million audio programs sold in fourteen languages, Denis Waitley is the most listened-to voice on personal and career success. He is the author of twelve non-fiction books, including several international bestsellers, Seeds of Greatness, Being the Best, The Winner’s Edge, The Joy of Working, and Empires of the Mind. His audio album, “The Psychology of Winning,” is the all-time best-selling program on self-mastery.

DR. DENIS WAITLEY The Waitley Institute P.O. Box 197 Rancho Santa Fe, CA 92067 www.deniswaitley.com

- Chapter Thirteen – How to Produce a Winning Team! Lana Barnes -

DAVID WRIGHT (WRIGHT) Today I am talking with Lana Barnes, Model of Human Behavior Specialist in communication. She is an executive coach, Real Estate broker and founder of Smart Launch to Success, a company that educates and empowers people and companies to create better relationships and build winning teams. Lana, an entrepreneur, started with a home-based business that she ran for seven years. She then became a Realtor and opened her own Brokerage where she coached, trained, and mentored her agents. She grew her brokerage to be number one in her marketplace Eleven years later, Lana sold her office and currently she works with a diversity of companies focusing on developing communication skills that build winning teams. She also continues to sell real estate because people are her passion. Lana, welcome to Stepping Stones to Success.

WRIGHT Building successful organizations and producing a winning team is tough, what are some of the struggles you see Independent Business Owners (IBO’s) and companies face today?

LANA BARNES (BARNES) Thanks David, that’s a great question, and to give you a full-bodied answer, let’s look at the reasons why companies aren’t growing to their full potential. These are just some of the problems I see in organizations and have experienced in my own company as well. * The world has become so fast-paced with an expectation of instant gratification that organizations don’t have time to focus on the people. * Many new Independent Business Owners put all their time and effort into making money instead of building lasting relationships. * Also, I see management so busy putting out fires and resolving conflicts instead of focusing on productivity and customer service.

David, owners get caught up in the task and forget that the most important job in building a successful business is to understand people and build strong relationships, both internally and externally. With all the technology we have, it can never replace people. The old face-to-face communication, which has gone by the wayside, needs to be resurrected. People want the feeling of being heard, acknowledged, and respected. If you take a look at all the Fortune 500 companies, as well as the mom and pop operations that have been around for eons, their winning formula stems from effective communication skills, employer/employee interaction, along with personalized customer service. A wise woman, Maya Angelou said, “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” Most clients will tell you that they did repeat business with a particular company not because of the product or the price but because of the service and how that company or its representative made them feel. If the clients do not feel valued, they will not only fire the salesperson, they also fire the entire company. A whopping 65 percent of the population base their actions on how they feel, not the facts. How do your team’s customer service skills measure up? I know that creating good relationships both inside and out of your business is truly the major steppingstone to success. Did you know that seven out of ten people lose or leave their jobs because of personality conflicts? When people are not happy they become unfocused in their work, their productivity is low, absenteeism is high, and they may seek other employment with a more harmonious environment. Employee loyalty is a thing of the past; the average person has between seven to ten jobs in his or her lifetime, unlike years ago. I know firsthand that employee turnover costs companies, not only time and thousands of dollars but also in lost revenues. When I started my business I was so caught up in my own self that I failed at the beginning to create those strong relationships with my team members, which resulted in a very slow growth with lost revenues to my company. I learned that communication and leadership skills can make or break the success of any organization. Leaders who learn and understand their team’s personality styles create harmonious environments, have greater employee retention, and inspire their teams to achieve peak performance resulting in higher profitability. When you operate within your own personality bubble (without knowledge of self) you fail to understand how and why people think the way they do and you become frustrated when they don’t meet your expectations. I learned over the years the first steppingstone to success is that every wise coach knows his players and it will produce a Winning Team every time.

WRIGHT What you are saying is that communication plays a key part of every organizations success. Will you give us some steps we can take to improve our own communication and leadership skills to produce a winning team?

BARNES That’s right, David, communication does play a huge part, and from my own experience and from the challenges I see my clients face, most frustrations are linked to people. I tailor my coaching and workshops toward raising your understanding of human behavior or personality style. I have four important steps that help grow your awareness and allow you to see the actions and reactions of others from a new perspective. The first and most important step is to learn to understand yourself and your own personality style. Your individual personality style determines how you function, handle situations, interact with others, and how others react to you. Knowing and understanding yourself enable you to influence people by utilizing your personality style to encourage others to perform as opposed to forcing them. One of my mentors, Dr. Robert Rohm, founder and CEO of Personality Insights and the Insights Institute, is very fond of saying,

“You cannot beware of something that you are not first aware of.”

I see people every day who are unaware of who they are and what they do, which often hinders their relationships and interaction with others. The second important step is learning to understand the personality styles of the others around you. When you understand their personality styles, you communicate more effectively. I always liken it to traveling to a foreign country. Once you learn a few words in their language, your needs are met quicker and easier and the people appreciate the effort as well. The third important step is to adapt your style (similar to learning the foreign language) and by learning to adapt and communicating with them in their personality language, you develop strong relationships that can create a huge potential for growth. And the fourth and most important step is applying this knowledge within your team, finding the people who are loyal, creative, critical thinkers and achievers who will help you grow your business to the next level and beyond. Every great team is connected and built on a foundation of trust, loyalty, and harmony. It always excites me, David, when I see bonds forming within the teams during my workshops as they begin to recognize and understand how their team mates function and they see the value and strengths that each personality style contribute to the team.

WRIGHT You keep referring to personality profiling or model of human behavior, a system you use in your coaching and workshops. Will you tell us what you mean by this and is it a new concept?

BARNES Actually, personality profiling has been around from as early as 400 BC when the great Greek physician Hippocrates theorized that there are four different personality temperament types. He thought they were a result of the level of a person’s bodily fluids. Thus he named them: * Choleric – ko-lair-ick * Sanguine – san-guin * Phlegmatic – fleg-mat-ik * Melancholy – mel-in-kole

Although his theory of the bodily fluids turned out to be a dead end, his observation that there were four human temperaments was very accurate indeed. These fourfold temperament classifications are still used today in all personality profiling systems, both clinical and applied. There are more than two hundred different personality profiling systems available, such as Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, Colors, Animals, LSI (Life Styles Inventory) and Psycho-geometrics, as well as a number of different DISC models just to name a few. I have attended a number of workshops that feature these and, of course, they all have their merits. I must say, however, that in my case none of the concepts stuck out clearly or easily in my mind. When I attended a Personality Institute DISC Model of Human Behavior workshop and I remembered exactly who I was, how I functioned, and I was able to retain the basics of the other personality styles after only one workshop, I knew this was definitely the one for me. The Personality Insights/Institute DISC Model of Human Behavior system is observable, repeatable, understandable, and easy to apply in all aspects of everyday life. You learn to celebrate other people’s strengths and challenges instead of tolerate them.

WRIGHT Will you give us an overview of the DISC system that you use?

BARNES Certainly, the personality insights DISC Model of Human Behavior is also measured based on the traditional four personality temperaments that blend together to determine your unique personality style. The predictable patterns of behavior relate to specific personality styles that help you to understand how you feel, think, and act the way you do. Everyone has a motor that drives them:

* A fast-paced motor makes you more out-going or a * Slow-paced motor makes you more reserved.

Everyone also has a compass that draws them toward either * A task orientation or a * People orientation.

When you put the two together you have a quick overview of the Personality Insights DISC Model. I can quickly determine a person’s personality style by asking them two simple questions, so let me ask them of you, David:

1. Are you more outgoing, fast-paced, or are you more reserved, slower-paced?

WRIGHT I believe that I am more outgoing and fast-paced, Lana.

BARNES That’s great David, now let me ask you:

2. Are you more task-oriented? (Meaning you focus more on the job to be done) or are you more people oriented? (Meaning you focus on the people instead of the project at hand).

WRIGHT That’s easy Lana, I think I am more people oriented.

BARNES Your responses David would indicate to me that your primary style/trait is an “I” (outgoing, fast-paced, people oriented individual). As you can see, David, once you know the answer to these two simple questions you can usually determine what someone’s primary personality style/trait is. As the graph below indicates, when you combine the two together you see the DISC Model of Human Behavior.

The D type is outgoing and task-oriented The I type is outgoing and people-oriented The S type is reserved and people-oriented The C type is reserved and task-oriented

Each DISC style has a group of words that best describe these traits, the top word for each style is:

D – Dominant I – Inspiring S – Supportive C – Cautious

These graphics are trademarks of Personality Insights Inc. (www.personalityinsights.com) and used with permission from the author, Robert A. Rohm, PhD. I want to stress that everyone is a unique blend of all four styles and that is often why someone will feel as though they relate to some of the other traits as well. David, people often ask me which personality style is the best. There is no good or bad, right or wrong personality style, as they all have their strengths and their challenges. DISC helps to reveal the strengths you naturally possess and the struggles you may face in adapting your style to others. When I finally understood the personality styles of my employees and salespeople, it helped me to grow my business more rapidly. Using this knowledge, the first three questions I now ask my clients are: 1. Do you know how your team members approach tasks, interact with others, and respond under pressure? 2. Do you know the secret of how to connect with and motivate your team to achieve peak performance? 3. Do you understand their wants, needs and potential danger zones?

The bottom-line is that connecting to your people does not have to be left to chance. I coach independent business owners to identify each of their team member’s style and to learn what strengths and weaknesses each brings to the team. Did you know that 65 percent of the population are people-oriented and 35 percent of the population are task-oriented? Is your team balanced for success?

WRIGHT You said that, once you started to understand and apply the DISC methodology in your own business it started to grow more rapidly. Will you tell us about that?

BARNES Absolutely, in 1999 I bought a new Real Estate franchise and opened in a town where I didn’t live. I believed so strongly in their concept that I automatically assumed everyone else would too, and want to join my brokerage. Well, that didn’t happen. I recruited two to three realtors and I coasted along for a few months. We were the new kids on the block and rumor had it that we would be bankrupt in six months, so most of the experienced agents just sat back and observed. Now, my primary personality style is a high “I” which is outgoing, fast-paced, people- oriented. Although I get along with people easily, I do struggle at staying on task and I get distracted easily. However, as a people person I became quite good at recruiting new realtors to join the team and that was how I slowly began to grow my office. When I hired support staff, it was all about whether I liked them and how they made me feel. I was not good at calling for references or testing their skills for the job. Have you ever hired the wrong person for a job? Most Independent business owners have poor hiring skills. It cost me thousands of dollars and a lot of lost time in training the incorrect person for the job. The word out on the street was my franchise concept was good, but my support staff was lacking, which is a big no-no in the Real Estate industry. Finally, two years after opening, I attended one of the Broker/Owner trainings held at our corporate offices and it was there that I was introduced to the Personality Insights DISC Model of Human Behavior. Wow, what an eye-opener that was. I never knew how other people saw me, why I struggled to focus and stay on task. I now understood why other people acted, felt, and did the things they did differently than I did, especially my husband (but that’s another story). I came home so excited about this that when the time came to hire someone for the next position I needed to fill, I used an assessment to understand the applicants’ personality style and determine whether they would be a good fit for the position. Voila! It worked and I finally had the right person in the right position. Poor girl, it took her about eight to ten months to clean up the mess I had created. The office was finally running like a well-oiled machine and surprise, surprise, my company began to grow quickly. We finally reached number one. I even opened a second branch office as we continued to grow. I always joke that I succeeded in spite of myself. What saved me was the fact that I finally understood that recognizing your player’s and team’s strengths are what separate you from your competition.

WRIGHT You started using the DISC Model of Human Behavior when hiring staff; did you also use it with your salespeople?

BARNES Actually, as I became more observant with the interaction between the people in the office I began to be more cognizant of their styles and I practiced using their personality style language, I received better and more positive results. I hosted a DISC training in the office for the sales team and I also included the staff because even though I had the right person with the right skills in the right job, her personality style was so sensitive that she would come crying into my office every other week because of some of the more Dominant personalities in the office. She felt certain they were questioning her abilities and not trusting her. So even though she was excellent at her work this was becoming annoying. I held a full day workshop and, as hoped, the dominant personalities realized the affect they were having on her and they learned to communicate in a softer manner. She also learned that it was just their personality style and this almost virtually stopped the crying, although every once in a while she would come in upset and then, part of the way through her story she would stop and say, “They didn’t mean that against me did they?” “Nope,” I would answer, “it’s just their personality style.” She would go away happy and soon she stopped becoming upset and complaining to me. The dynamics between the salespeople also changed and the nitpicking and petty conflicts were decreased by at least 75 percent. Not having to run interference was such a blessing and a timesaver. The staff and salespeople finally became a team. I had found the steppingstones to my success. A question to the readers: are your staff and salespeople a team in your company?

WRIGHT Earlier you told us a quick way to recognize the different styles. Will you give us a little more in-depth explanation of the four different personality styles?

BARNES Sure, David, I would be glad to: “D” personality style people are the outgoing, fast-paced, task-oriented individuals. They are dominant, direct, demanding doers who like to lead and be in charge. They enjoy making decisions to solve problems so they can reach their goals. They are your bottom-liners and thrive in an upbeat, fast, powerful environment. They need challenges, choices, and control. They can sometimes appear to be reckless, rude, impatient, and dictatorial. They make up about 10 percent of the population. A couple of examples are Judge Judy and David Beckham. People with the “I” personality style are outgoing, fast-paced, people-oriented individuals. They are influencing, inspiring, interactive and involved and like to persuade others to their way of thinking. They love to interact with people so that everyone has a great time. They believe that “if we all pull in the same direction, our success will never end” and they thrive in a fun, friendly, exciting environment. They need recognition, approval, and popularity. They can sometimes appear to be unrealistic, manipulative, gossipy, and unfocused. They make up about 25 to 30 percent of the population. A couple of examples are Ellen de Generes and Bill Cosby. The “S” personality style people are reserved, slow paced, people-oriented individuals. They are supportive, steady, stable, and sentimental and like to provide the necessary support to help complete the job. They seek to maintain accepted routines so they can make sure everyone is comfortable. They believe “all for one and one for all” and “together we make a great team.” They thrive in a predictable, stable, harmonious environment. They need appreciation, security, and affirmation. They can sometimes appear to be lacking initiative, indecisive, slow, and uncommunicative. They make up about 30 to 35 percent of the population. A couple of examples are Mother Theresa and Oprah Winfrey. Last but not least, the “C” personality style is reserved, slow-paced, task-oriented individuals. They are cautious, competent, careful, critical thinkers and like consistency, quality, and excellence. They seek the facts and follow procedures so they can uphold principles. They believe anything worth doing is worth doing correctly through careful and conscientious work. They thrive in an environment that provides structure with procedures, accuracy, and quality. They need quality answers, value for their money, and excellence. They can sometimes be compulsive, critical, unsociable, and worrisome. They make up about 20 to 25 percent of the population. A couple of examples are Bill Gates and Martha Stewart. As I said earlier, David, we are all a unique blend of all four personality styles. On our more in depth graphs, most people have two styles/traits above the midline, a primary style/trait and a secondary style/trait that will influence them. We need all four styles to make this world go around.

WRIGHT Did your salespeople use what they learned and did you see an increase in sales after the workshop?

BARNES Great question, David. Yes, within a couple of months I began to see an increase in production in all the salespeople who had attended. I looked closely at their stats (not an easy task for an “I” personality style like me to do) and, yes, an increase was definitely noticeable. I wanted to know if it was, in fact, the application of the DISC that was making the difference, so at my Tuesday morning meeting I went around the room to find out who was actually applying it in their business. The majority of them said it had made a significant difference for them in the way they approached and spoke with their clients. They were more observant of how their clients acted and responded to them. They would actually try and figure out the person’s personality when they first met them and then adapt themselves to it. I had one agent in particular “Steve,” a very high dominant “D” personality style, tell me how he had gone on a listing appointment where he was competing against two other realtors (also two very high “D” personality styles). He knew the minute he walked in the house that the lady was a high “S” style personality, which is your shy, supportive, status quo type. He said he mentally took off his “D” hat and put on his “S” hat. Instead of coming on strong, he slowed down to her pace and made sure that she felt very comfortable, safe, and secure with what they were going to do by using a gentle unthreatening manner. Suffice it say, he came away with the signed listing. The other two realtors didn’t have a clue why they didn’t get the listing. Did it make a difference, David? Absolutely, it did. By increasing their awareness, my salespeople increased their sales by using proven techniques and that also increased my bottom line. Many of the salespeople were grateful, as they also used their knowledge of DISC to create more harmonious relationships in their private lives as well.

WRIGHT I guess we could call you a personality profiling junkie. What do you think are the advantages for Independent Business Owners when they hire you and use these methodologies within their organizations?

BARNES Yes, I am a personality profiling junkie because I know the impact it has had in my life, in my business, and in the businesses of my clients. Did you know that only three out of ten new company start-ups will still be in business ten years later? Why do some succeed and others don’t? The answer is simple, it is customer service. How do you provide stellar customer service, you ask? First you build a winning team where all the members understand themselves, the people around them, and the clients they serve. The value in life is valuing others—it is the key to effective teamwork. Knowing your clients, recognizing their needs to be able to provide the highest level of customer service is the key to every businesses success. The four key steps I use to help produce a Winning Team that strives to provide stellar customer service are:

1. Understand yourself (all about me) 2. Understand others (all about you) 3. Building effective relationships (all about us) 4. Creating more productive teams (all about others)

I offer several workshops and coaching programs that produce winning teams on which each member recognizes and celebrates the other team members’ strengths. To name a few:

* Adult Profile, * Team@work, * Leadership@work1, * Leadership@work2 * Conflict Resolution Upon completion of these workshops your team will be able to: * Recognize their needs and the needs of others * Recognize and comprehend the four different communication styles * See the gifts that they and everyone else bring to the team * Find out what motivates themselves and others * Know their ideal work environment * Assess how they work on a task and interact with others * And much, much more

Knowing the secret to interacting with their team members teaches them to learn to work differently with different people. Effective communication and assigning the right task to the right person facilitates peak performance and helps teams reach their full potential, creates balance, and helps eliminate potential stress, anxiety, and feelings of being overwhelmed. As Benjamin Franklin said, “Tell me and I forget, Teach me and I remember, Involve me and I learn.” The advantage is learning to apply the DISC Model of Human Behavior, which will unlock your team’s potential for results you can count on by empowering the People to improve. Remember the old saying, David, Together Everyone Achieves More (TEAM) and that holds true even more so today.

About the Author

Lana Barnes is founder and President of Smart Launch to Success, a division of Powerful Personalities Inc., a company that educates, coaches, and empowers people and companies to create better relationships and build winning teams. Lana is a Certified DISC Human Behavior Specialist, fourteen-year veteran Real Estate broker, business coach, and trainer. She has been labeled a self-help junkie by her friends, peers, and clients, as she has trained with many top leaders in North America. Lana consults and coaches entrepreneurs, Real Estate brokerages, non-profit organizations, and sales managers on how to build winning teams through communication. She facilitates workshops that leave participants understanding and speaking an entirely new personality language. The workshops are individually structured to each client’s needs. She speaks professionally to large companies, cohosts a weekly Real Estate/mortgage podcast, and continues to practice Real Estate. To learn more about Lana and how she can empower your team, visit www.smartlaunchtosuccess.com. She gives professional service and professional advice you can count on.

LANA BARNES Smart Launch to Success Division of Powerful Personalities Inc. 613-551-3545 [email protected] Twitter: @realestateask1 Blog: www.realestate-ask.com

Chapter Fourteen – Accelerate, and Have an Extraordinary Life! Yvonne E. L. Silver -

DAVID WRIGHT (WRIGHT) Today I’m talking with Yvonne E. L. Silver. Yvonne is an Acceleration Expert and vibrant Executive Coach. With more than twenty years of business experience and success, she has a passion for “Inspiring Positive Change” in others. She leverages leadership, business, and Human Resources (HR) experiences to help leaders and individuals achieve clear and significant goals. Her senior clients develop exceptional leadership skills and increase profits through higher employee engagement. Individual clients gain clarity and achieve significant personal growth and goal attainment. She draws on extensive experiences in start-up organizations, as a corporate VP, business owner, and Board member through her volunteer activities and parenting four children. Yvonne coaches her clients to success, facilitates business planning sessions, new leader on- boarding and group/team coaching, and develops resilient teams in all generational categories. Exceptional leadership starts with each leader being authentic in their style and using effective delegation for maximum empowerment, which Yvonne calls Leveraged Leadership. She is renowned for developing programs specifically for women and women leaders under The Shattered Ceiling banner. Yvonne, welcome to Stepping Stones to Success.

YVONNE SILVER (SILVER) Good morning.

WRIGHT You operate a successful coaching practice in Calgary, Alberta, with clients across Canada and North America. I would like to know more about you personally, as I am aware that you have some particular steppingstones to share with our readers. Firstly though, business image is extremely important and the name of an organization has to appeal to your specific target audience. How did you decide on the name of your firm, The Shattered Ceiling Corporation, and the name for your corporate coaching services, Leveraged Leadership?

SILVER I inspire positive change. I do this by helping women earn what they’re worth. By providing a road map for success, using a variety of different tools, reflection and insight, as well as coaching skills, I help women refocus their career for even greater success. The organization is called The Shattered Ceiling, which leverages the common terminology relating to women often being stifled in rising into senior leadership roles. This term goes back to 1984 when Gay Bryant was identified as the first person to use that term “the glass ceiling” in print in the Working Woman Report. She was serving at that time as editor for the U.S. based Working Woman magazine. This stifling concept happens partly because corporations are structured as pyramids with many middle managers trying to move up into a few available senior roles. Women are generally less openly competitive than men. Also, partly because of continuing subtle discrimination, a large number of women are hitting “the glass ceiling” and finding that they cannot rise any further. The name resonates for me because I have broken through a number of different barriers in my life. I refuse to believe that any ceiling or boundary can actually hold someone back. Hillary Clinton also used the phrase. She is known for referencing it in her Obama support speech. Instead of creating a new name and having to explain the meaning, it is easier to link your business name to something that people already know. Women often comment that it seems to be quite “memorable” and meaningful.

WRIGHT This sounds like great branding to me.

SILVER Yes, it worked well, however, many of the senior sponsors for my female clients were actually men who were funding the coaching programs. As my business grew, I realized that this name was not being embraced by my male clients. Hence the “Leveraged Leadership” brand was born, which provides corporate coaching programs for all leaders, including workshops and team facilitation. Financial leverage in business terms refers to a formula laid out as operating income over net income, and it is also in many instances referred to as a technique to multiply gains, which is definitely the result that coaching creates. My explanation of Leveraged Leadership is understanding how to use your authentic self as a leader to engage and empower others. It is leveraging your natural ability, then expanding on it for enhanced success. The Shattered Ceiling offers programs specifically for women, while Leveraged Leadership provides executive leadership and group coaching, new-leader on- boarding, supplemented with facilitation, business planning, and team activities for both men and women.

WRIGHT This book is about identifying steppingstones to success. Would you tell our readers a little about what drives you to personally be successful?

SILVER I grew up in middle-class England, surrounded by an archaic societal class structure that often prevents people from rising to success. English tradition ranks people from top to bottom in this way: royalty, nobleman (count/countess, duke/duchess, and so on), upper-class society, upper middle-class, middle-class, middle-lower, and lower-class. These “classes” cannot be broken through, unless you are born into an upper-class family with a significant fortune or family estate. At the time I emigrated, it was very hard to be recognized for success in business. In North America we celebrate success, and validate that an innovative and determined person can be extremely influential and a leader. We congratulate the person on his or her business results, which is quite different than in England. The odds were stacked against me to begin with. Our family of four would often run low on food toward payday and my father was extremely stringent with the housekeeping money, while my mother stayed at home to raise my sister and me. We were a one-income family. It was not an easy life, although I have come to believe that we often become champions of what we personally overcome. My challenge was having a father who was cruel and unsupportive, and negatively impacted by being in a horrific battle in World War II. After receiving a less than desirable mark in one important school test, he announced that I “would never, ever, be successful in life,” which is quite an impressionable statement for an eleven-year-old to hear from a parent. However, it did fuel a spark of determination and enraged my rebellious nature, triggering me to strive to achieve success with hard work and a well thought out strategy. I set out to prove him wrong, which led me to start work at age twelve, delivering newspapers at 6:00 AM, then working in a retail store, which I managed at age fifteen. By age seventeen, I had started my first two self-employed business ventures, both in multilevel marketing and sales. I discovered that I liked sharing information with others, and enjoyed the excitement of creating something from nothing. Today, I now operate my eighth start-up, six of which being my own, and learning from two significant corporate start-ups I was involved in growing, which were later sold to national business giants. What drives me now is to be a supportive coach for others, to ensure that no one else ever feels that he or she lacks someone in his or her corner for encouragement. I help people look at the possibilities and identify a strategy for reaching success while they are being authentic and true to themselves.

WRIGHT Being authentic is critical to effective leadership and being credible in business. What personal beliefs and factors would you say make the biggest contribution to your own professional success?

SILVER It was John Wooden, one of the greatest coaches in baseball history, who said “be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are.” I relate to that quote because it encourages us to be authentic and true to who we are, not what others want us to be. We are each given gifts to share with others—our natural talents. It is essential to uncover these gifts and hold true to yourself, which is much more important than listening to others and believing their opinion. Hold firm on your personal beliefs, and you can be successful. You can define your own measuring stick to identify what success looks like for you. Knowing you are making a difference in this world is an intrinsic reward, which feels good inside, and provides far greater satisfaction than a material reward or a large bank account, although, I can tell you that having both is even better! There are lots of personal mottos or beliefs that help me keep focused, however, a few key beliefs are: if you help enough other people to be successful, you will ultimately help yourself be successful as well. Attracting your clients, versus using a hard sales pitch is much more in congruence with my personality, and virtually no one likes to be “sold” something by another person. Lastly, the concept of being fully grounded. When traveling, the airline safety instructions are repeated every time you board a plane, “put your own air mask on first.” If you are not breathing—are not solid and grounded yourself—how can you help others? Those are just three beliefs that have served me.

WRIGHT You speak about your passion for inspiring positive change. Where does that come from and how do you personally stay upbeat and positive?

SILVER As I mentioned, I had to prove to my father that he was wrong and that I would, in fact, be a success. I thought about the things I enjoyed doing and areas of pride in my life, where I had already seen success, despite his prediction. In my early years after leaving school, I was actually quite successful in a sales role, each time earning more revenue than my targets. More recently, if watching a television show, I noticed I especially enjoy topics about business innovation, personal makeovers, home renovation shows, and forensic science shows (Criminal Minds and CSI). The common theme is about digging and looking for clues to solve a problem or “crack a case,” and taking someone (or something) from being a disaster to a shining star. By looking at my natural interests to guide me in what I wanted to do for my next adventure, I now thrive on helping other people to be successful. The service of coaching others to reach their greatest potential is constantly fueling a natural passion for me, so it self-perpetuates and re-energizes me. We are authentic when we are personally doing what we guide others to do. Recently, I chose to distinguish myself as a professional Certified Executive Coach for business leaders by going back to school myself and earning a 4.0 GPA in a premium graduate level coaching program. You mentioned before our interview started that the field of coaching is growing. Many people call themselves coaches without actually having any formal training or methodology or any coaching credentials. While the International Coach Federation is building accreditation standards for global adoption, the industry is not well regulated currently. I wanted to differentiate myself based on my authentic self, and having strong ethics and professionalism. By spending many hours looking at my own values, personal beliefs, strengths, interests, and passions, I then defined what I felt my brand was with input from more than forty individuals— family members, friends, clients, and colleagues. That process validated exactly what my clients can expect to experience when they hire me. The outcome was repetitive language describing me as being “knowledgeable, positive, innovative, wise, compassionate, uncompromising, resourceful, thoughtful, and vibrant.” These natural traits combined with more than twenty years of self-development activities and reading, immigrating from another country, and growing several of my own businesses, all contribute to being able to help clients to accelerate and reach their goals in a more strategic manner. When you live your passion—what I refer to as living “on purpose”—it is difficult to be anything less than upbeat.

WRIGHT Let’s talk about confidence for a moment. What do you see as the connection between confidence and success?

SILVER This book is all about steppingstones to success and I definitely see confidence as one of those stones—having the confidence to ask for what you want. I learned early in life that you can get what you ask for, especially if you are reciprocating. When you ask someone for something, and have something to give in exchange, you increase the likelihood of having them say “yes.” Being clear on how you ask is critical. Select action words and speak to the successful outcome that will be achieved, as well as how you can help the other person. By observing a father who normally said “no!” I also learned that if I offered him a choice of two options, then he would be inclined to pick one of them, therefore I was raising my chances of success to at least a 50 percent likelihood of a positive outcome, versus a 100 percent chance that he would say “no.” That is one of the key principles I carry forward today as I offer different coaching solutions to my clients according to price point, or time invested, and their desired coaching outcomes. A salesperson lacking in confidence will often unconsciously pause in the middle of their sales pitch because he or she is expecting the prospect to say no, which gives the prospect the opportunity to jump in with an objection or an unplanned question. This interruption invariably does lead to uncertainty and a response of “no.” This creates a self-fulfilling prophecy where the outcome was predicted and caused by a lack of confidence. I learned to set my intention before going into a meeting or sales conversation and plan my pauses appropriately. By pausing toward the end of the sentence, and then continuing immediately with my next sentence, I reduced the possibility of an interruption until I had shared the key information or the benefits of using my product or service. Later in a portion of my career, I focused on recruiting exceptional talent for high-growth organizations. In interviews, I observed that those candidates who demonstrated confidence (shoulders back, head up, looking me straight in the eye) came across as being more truthful, more honest, and were more committed to high quality standards. They got hired! Having confidence makes a huge difference. If you believe you can do it, you will! Completing numerous outdoor activities that truly stretched me personally has proven that we often exceed our own expectations once we take the first step and create some momentum. Exhilaration replaces fear, and accomplishment stokes the fire within to burn brighter.

WRIGHT You do a considerable amount of coaching with business owners as well as leaders in corporations. What do you think are the biggest obstacles that face leaders today in building their businesses successfully?

SILVER Firstly, it’s being slow to change leadership style to keep up with the changing workforce, resulting in a lack of employee engagement, which shows in the business bottom line. Many companies have high staff turnover costs. The intangible costs also show in deteriorated customer relations, decreased coworker motivation levels, as well as the cost to rehire, train, and integrate a new employee. We have five generations in the workplace— Traditionalists, Baby Boomers, Generation X, Generation Y, and now Generation Z—each with their own preference for leadership style. The outdated leadership style of “command and control” is just not as effective with 3/5 of our workplace generational groups. Male leaders benefit by exploring concepts such as Emotional Intelligence, as described in the book Primal Leadership (Goleman, McKee, Boyatzis, Harvard Business Review Press, 2002), which impacts our resilience and the “softer side” of leadership, leading through others with empathy. However, most women leaders leverage their natural skills in relationship building, empathy, collaboration, and consensus-building, and most can juggle multiple activities at once very effectively. Our younger generations work well in environments where empathy exists, multi-tasking is the norm, their opinion is invited, they are empowered, can work in teams, access technology, and garner ideas from their colleagues. By focusing energy on leadership development programs for women, I believe we can have more engaged and empowered employees, which translates to happy customers, looking after the organization’s bottom line. Statistics also show women leaders had an impact on business results, in particular on profitability and increased accountability (ref: The Catalyst Group, www.catalystgrp.com/). Survey data showed that high-potential talent who were themselves mentored, coached, or sponsored, are more likely to pay it forward by developing the next generation of leaders. Sixty- five percent of women who received career development support are now developing new talent, compared to fifty-six percent of men. One obstacle I see for businesses and business owners is not leveraging women in leadership roles. For example, having a cultural commitment to work/life balance is critical, as most women still take on the larger household responsibilities (and child-rearing decisions), as well as working outside the home. Implementing integrated programs and practices that demonstrate support for women has significant advantages when recruiting top talent. Many organizations cannot find the right talent, so I encourage frequent career conversations to ensure existing employees see their career path inside the organization. Having practices in place to identify a strategic career plan for each employee is key. Looking five years into the future helps the employee see the possibilities when opportunities arise. The reticular activating system in the brain—the mechanism that filters valuable information for us—will help to see the possibilities and see the opportunities much more readily once a career goal is clearly defined. For example, when you decide to buy a house, suddenly all you see are for sale signs everywhere, which did not just pop up like mushrooms overnight. Your reticular activating system is now directing you to pay attention to that information—it’s now on your brain’s radar—because it directly relates to your defined goal or objective.

WRIGHT In your experiences working in eight start-up firms—six of your own and two other significant organizations that were later sold to AT&T and Bell Canada—what do you feel that leaders need the most in order to create a flourishing business?

SILVER There are numerous ways that a business will flourish; however, two keys needed are engaged and empowered employees and resilience. Progressive Leaders are authentic and in touch with their employees. It is key to understand and appreciate their own personal leadership style first, and how to effectively leverage this style to influence others. Then it is important to understand how to use that self-awareness to interpret employee behavior, build relationships, and guide their employees to achieve goals through effective delegation that builds empowerment. Even a small business needs engaged employees in order to grow. I coach leaders to be their best authentic self. To “Leverage their Leadership,” the leader has to be true to his or her own values, understand his or her unique style and strengths, and hold employees accountable. In the old style of management—command and control— the leader often tells the employee what to do and how to do it. In the enhanced model, or coaching approach, the leader and the employee discuss and agree on achievable goals, then the Leader asks the employee how the employee will go about the task. The employee will explain what they will choose to focus on first, how his or her plan will evolve, and the employee’s course of action if he or she runs into challenges. If told what to do and how to do it, the employee’s unique skills and creativity are squashed or ignored. In the tell approach to leadership, the employee is given the responsibility, accountability, and the creativity to complete the task using his or her own skills and abilities. The result is a more self-motivated employee who is empowered to do his or her best work. Having the confidence to hold the employee accountable is a skill that new leaders need to develop. Practicing language to determine the status of a project without judgment or criticism, using how questions versus why questions is a skill worth the time to hone. Criticism and why questions limit innovation and risk-taking, which is often the space where the best ideas germinate. Resilience is created when there are strategies in place (best case, most likely case, and worst case scenarios have been identified), and having several alternative choices for consideration. Empowered and motivated employees are almost always open to suggesting different ways to achieve a goal or finish a task. Tracking where your resources are (time, money, people, or equipment) and understanding what you have in reserve is critical to being resilient, as well as having the ability to course correct promptly. Taking your eye off the horizon momentarily can cause a Titanic crash.

WRIGHT What are some of the most common issues your coaching clients identify that can limit their success?

SILVER Women sometimes can have a lack of clarity and the confidence to ask for what they really want. A lack of work-life balance is a frequent coaching topic, so I use a questionnaire that looks at the bigger picture and identifies categories of dissatisfaction in various aspects of life, and another one to identify things and people who drain their energy. For my male clients, it’s often about how to garner the support of their direct reports for a strategic initiative, enhancing their ability to influence, and appreciating and applying the softer side of leadership. This is showing that authentic self I referred to, having a level of vulnerability that helps to build trust and respect while being fully committed and unwavering to achieve the objective. It takes time to shift behavior. Other coaching topics include business building through clarity and team alignment, and networking for sales prospects. Having the overall goal clear, with the outcomes for success identified early makes a significant difference, as everyone is aligned with the vision. Once the goal is crystal clear, the path to achievement becomes evident and it’s amazing how “coincidences” start to occur to help along the way. I’m not a religious person, but I certainly am spiritual and believe in the power of the universe helping us. Once we’ve been clear in what we’re looking for and have started to take action to demonstrate that we are committed to that goal, it’s amazing how many people show up in our lives to help us along the path to success.

WRIGHT Perhaps this would be a great time to clear up the definition of coaching for our readers. Would you tell me how coaching differs from mentoring or counseling, in your opinion?

SILVER Yes. Often the terms tend to get used interchangeably, which I see as three quite different concepts. Typically mentoring is provided to guide and teach the technical “how-to” by a more seasoned member of the organization. It may also be a successful individual in a similar industry who is at the level that the mentee (the person who wants to be mentored) wants to attain. Counseling often looks backward at the historical reason why something has occurred, and often seeks to understand before going forward to action. In a clinical setting or when mental health is concerned, it is a valuable option. Coaching is about working with a thinking partner to explore challenges and identify future opportunities. Effective coaching creates sustainable change. Coaching expands ideas through the use of powerful questioning, and then explores choices and the willingness to move forward, finally garnering a commitment to action that contributes to reaching the overall identified goal. Coaching is very powerful and that recognition is contributing to why businesses are embracing it more and more frequently—because it shows results. Once the mind expands, it can rarely shrink back. There have been a number of studies investigating the return on investment garnered from coaching throughout the years. I have personally seen many of my coachees developing a more strategic mind-set, an expanded perspective or increased confidence level, improved work-life balance (and decreased stress), business growth, enhanced team success, achieving significant goals, and accelerating in their career and life.

WRIGHT You are known for designing acceleration programs that fit a researched need in the market, and all of them contain a coaching element. What are some of the programs you are best known for, and why do you insist on including coaching as a key component?

SILVER When I was working as VP of Client Services for a global talent management firm, I spent a lot of time talking with VPs and directors, in particular in HR functions, to understand their challenges. It was shared many times over that they wished more human resource professionals would truly be valued, contributing at the executive level to strategic employee initiatives. However, the challenge raised is that many HR professionals do not actually talk in business terms. If you ask them what EBIT is, P&L and ROI, or various other management acronyms, they often don’t speak in those terms. They’re even less able to show how implementing an HR program can add value or impact the bottom line. To address these issues, I developed a six-month long “HR Career Development Forum” program, which incorporates twelve of the critical and strategic HR topics identified through those VP conversations. To cement the new knowledge learned, the program was interspersed with one-on-one coaching. The results have been significant, with huge growth seen by the majority of the participants. I have seen promotions, increased requests for their opinion, many have been invited into leadership discussions and developed the ability to articulate how they measure the return on investment of the work they do. Statistics show that when coaching is added to training, that productivity can increase from 28 percent to 88 percent (Ref: Bane Kopelman Study), which supports why coaching is a key to successful learning. That is one customized program that I designed and implemented, which operates through the local HR association. Another program designed specifically for women is entitled, “Clarity, Confidence, Credibility, and Your Career.” I co-hosted the first event on International Women’s Day 2012, collaborating with a colleague who is an Image Consultant. Together we provided insight on being authentic from the “inside to the outside.” Statistics indicate that the first impression created by your image, how you “show up,” can actually account for up to 55 percent of how you are judged - judged to be confident, professional or worthy of building a relationship with. Therefore, having the outside impression align with the true authentic self is critical to success. By having a clear career goal, your internal and external focus can align, and that congruence translates to increased confidence. Increased confidence enables people to knowledgeably talk about what their career aspirations and goals include the strengths they could bring to the organization, demonstrate they are ready to step into the bigger job, and they are the best candidate for the position.

WRIGHT Your impressive credentials and participation in this book point to your success in helping your clients achieve significant results. How do you do this in particular?

SILVER My unique skill is appreciating each client’s personal values while looking for the positive possibilities in each conversation, or what may be getting in the way of their success. I do this at the beginning by helping my clients to look at their very core, at their purpose and vision. As described earlier, the process I use starts by looking at personal values, at strengths, moments of pride, natural areas of interest, hobbies, and passions. Next, I look at their stage of life, the ages of their children, if they have a stable home environment, as well as the support and resources needed to step into a bigger role. It is key to identify how fast they want to accelerate and have more out of life, and how they define “more,” by developing a clear end-state, or goal. It’s much easier to work backward from the destination to create pathways toward reaching it, and then we can look at the levers that can springboard the individual in his or her journey, and important supporting relationships to build along the way. After developing goals, we define a plan on how we’re going to get there, and what resources are needed. Just as you place a taller stake next to a small plant to support its growth, I often act as that support structure until my coachees have the confidence and knowledge to stand on their own and have developed strong roots to support themselves. My clients tell me that their best acceleration often comes through knowing that they have that important support, but also through the clarity and improved communication gained through our discussions. Invariably an individual does not want to share any potential weakness or lack of knowledge with his or her leader or subordinates, peers, or even a spouse. As the person’s coach, I provide a confidential ear, add focus, and bring strategies to help my client build a strong and authentic self. By asking insightful questions and then following my clients’ communication thread, I help them talk through what is a challenge for them, or what is getting in the way of success. My role is following their communication thread until a picture of success emerges or, if there are perceived barriers, how we break through them. By looking underneath their comments and seeking the source of their concerns, I can see what is preventing them from moving forward on their own, and help them see potential options and choices. I think that we’re all intertwined on this planet, similar to a patchwork quilt that has many unique pieces. When we combine those pieces together, we create a glorious tapestry. Each person needs to know what their tapestry piece is made of, and how it fits together with others around them. I think it’s my perspective and positive attitude more than anything that’s helped with my success. The Law of Attraction is something that I personally focus on every day.

WRIGHT Many of our readers would love the opportunity to work with a professional coach. From your perspective, what should people look for in a coach, and what helps some coaches be more successful than others?

SILVER Partly I think it’s understanding right from the beginning who you are serving, and having a service mind-set. Being clear about what your clients especially value about your approach, knowledge and experiences, as well as having a methodology and tools help them reach success. There has to be a good connection between the coach and the coachee. If we’re going to work together for six months, it is important to determine the common bond and the basis of the agreement. Sometimes it’s about the results, sometimes it’s about shared relationships, but for me one of the absolute critical starting points that is foundational to success is having common values. Having common values, mutual respect, refined listening skills, and being able to withhold judgment all contribute to a solid relationship. When ideas are generated in discussion, there should be no judgment made by the coach. It’s about asking powerful questions to help the coachee explore what might be his or her best choice, and letting the person decide what he or she is willing to commit to. When a coachee acts on his or her own idea versus someone else’s, the coachee has a much higher level of commitment, accountability, and enthusiasm to complete the activity. Success can be measured by the achievements of my clients, as well as the number of solid referrals I receive from appreciative clients who have seen significant results and are proud to connect me with their colleagues. I suggest asking colleagues you respect who they would recommend as a coach, then connect first to understand what the coach can offer you— approach/process, your outcomes, expectations, coaching frequency and style, their specialty and fees.

WRIGHT Will you suggest for our readers some of your own steppingstones to an extraordinary life and success?

SILVER There are ten steps I have identified that have made a significant difference for me, which I am happy to share. To remember these key steps, I have related them to the acronym: ACCELERATE!

A is for airline mask. I frequently guide others to put their own “air mask” on first. When airline personnel host the safety demonstration, they tell us to put our own air-mask on first before assisting others. If we are not breathing, how can we help others? Take time for yourself to reflect and recharge, meditate, go to yoga, walk by the ocean, whatever you enjoy that will energize you on a regular basis.

C is for core. This means knowing your core values and what your biggest “defining moment” is. What is it at the very core of your soul that has contributed the most to who you are as a person today? For me that experience happened when I was aged eleven, being told by my father that I “would never be successful.” That was a defining moment. I refused to believe that statement, and that has carried me forward and propelled me to much greater success, through clarity, through focus and commitment, and through being strategic and leveraging every opportunity.

C is also for cancel. This means to cancel the use of negative words. Just take them out of your vocabulary. Some of those words include: no, don’t, won’t, can’t, shouldn’t, but, and why. Why is a question that I very rarely use in coaching because it creates an opportunity for judgment. People very often get defensive if they are asked to justify why they did something a certain way. If you replace why with how, for example, “how did that come about?” it is much more considerate and less judgmental. Cancelling those negative words makes a huge difference! How can you flip “no” into an option? Give people a choice of two things, as I did in the past with my father. Instead of using “don’t,” ask yourself what is another way you can phrase that expression or use that same sentence in a positive way? What is the opposite of the negative action that you want to eliminate? If you “don’t want—” what do you want instead?

E is for energy. Be very deliberate in your intentions, they fuel your energy. “Deliberate, positive intention” is one of my mantras; it’s something embedded in my soul. Be deliberate, be strategic, think about what the very best outcome could possibly be—the positive intention. Once you have that clarity, the universe will move in to support you. People show up because your faith in yourself is unwavering. Once other people see that you are totally committed to an idea, and feel the positive energy you are generating around it by taking action, they will be lining up to help you.

L represents lessons. I believe there are no mistakes in life, there are only lessons, so when you hit a roadblock take a moment to ask yourself, “What is the ‘learning experience’ for me?” It’s not a mistake, it’s a lesson, an opportunity to learn.

E is for ethics. Doing what you say you’re going to do, every single time. Your reputation is priceless and is earned, it cannot be bought. It’s absolutely key whether you’re in business for yourself or as an employee. No-one is going to promote someone or do business with someone who is unreliable. So do what you say you’re going to do, every time. Start each project with excellence in mind.

R stands for resources. By identifying your potential resources at the beginning of a project or activity, you can often accelerate your progress by recognizing the “levers” that will move you forward faster. Also, it is hard to be creative when we are under pressure, so it is much better to identify our resources at the start, and ways to de-stress along the way to build in resilience. Build de-stressing into your plan; you will need it somewhere along the way.

A is for action! The best way to get started is to take one small step, then keep the action going and build momentum. Even if you just complete one small task toward the bigger goal or challenge, you are moving in the right direction. Action generates more energy, and you are off and running! Run through the finish line to create momentum for your next activity.

T is for tracking. This not a new concept, but I think it’s underutilized. Have a Success Journal to track your wins. At the end of every day, note down your successes, monitoring what amazing things showed up when you believed in yourself. Tracking success in your journal will serve as a reminder to see what happened last week, last month. Look at the successes, especially when you hit an occasional roadblock and need some extra support to help you power through the tough stuff that life periodically serves up.

E represents everyone. If everyone looked for ways to ensure a shared win versus creating a win-lose scenario, how could life be different? I encourage creativity to expand the possibility pie, versus compromise, where each party often feels he or she lost something by getting a smaller piece of the pie. By looking for win-win opportunities for everyone, your reputation will shine.

The Shattered Ceiling evolved to assist professional women who are looking to accelerate in their career. Leveraged Leadership supports leaders and corporations that want to tap into the power of coaching to enable individuals to grow and accelerate, and reach their potential. All of the coaching work I do has those key principles or steps that help ACCELERATE to an extraordinary life woven through.

WRIGHT Well, this has been a great experience for me. I have learned a lot here in conversation with you; you obviously know yourself well and how to use your experiences to help others to grow and reach their potential.

SILVER I know that women in particular love recipes so if you have a couple more minutes I just want to share my recipe for an extraordinary life:

Take one cup of personal values, Mix it with a sunny babbling brook until reflection occurs. Check that reflection for authenticity, Take a mental photograph, Then bake it in the sun for thirty minutes until cohesion occurs. Top it off with a loving spouse, a devoted puppy, and a safe and warm home, Add grateful kids, a supportive family, Add reliable friends, and a glorious sunset, And a reasonable bank account to season as desired, Then enjoy in large helpings.

WRIGHT Today I have been talking with Yvonne E. L. Silver. Yvonne is an Acceleration Expert and Executive Coach. She helps her corporate clients develop exceptional leadership skills and increase employee engagement under the heading of Leveraged Leadership. She is renowned for programs specifically for women leaders under The Shattered Ceiling banner. Yvonne, thank you so much for being with us today on Stepping Stones to Success.

SILVER I’m glad to share some insights that will hopefully help some of the readers move toward even greater success.

About the Author

Yvonne Silver is an “Acceleration Expert” and vibrant Executive Coach, with more than twenty years of business success and a passion for inspiring positive change. She leverages leadership, business, and her HR experiences to help individuals achieve clear and significant goals. Her clients develop clarity, exceptional leadership skills, and increase employee engagement. Yvonne draws on extensive experiences in start-ups, as a corporate VP, her Board and volunteer activities, and parenting four children. She coaches to success, facilitates business planning, hosts workshops, offers new leader on- boarding, group/team coaching, and developing resilient teams in all generational categories (“Leveraged Leadership®”). She is renowned for programs specifically for Women Leaders under The Shattered Ceiling banner.

YVONNE E. L. SILVER Leveraged Leadership (and The Shattered Ceiling Corporation) 24 Evansdale Landing, N.W. Calgary, Alberta, Canada. T3P 0C6 403-999-4749 [email protected] www.theshatteredceiling.com www.LeveragedLeadership.ca

Chapter Fifteen – Work-Life Balance Achieving Balance in an Unbalanced World Dianne M. Kipp -

DAVID WRIGHT (WRIGHT) Today I’m talking with Dianne M. Kipp, BSN, PCC, CTT. Coach Dianne empowers others to envision their most magnificent future while providing the support and tools necessary for their success. Calling upon thirty years of experience in the fields of nursing, preventive health, pharmaceutical, technology, financial services, and non-profit corporations, her coaching and consulting approach utilizes holistic principles to facilitate permanent transformation in her clients’ organizations and lives. A consultant, facilitator, speaker, writer, and awesome retreat guide, Dianne seeks individuals, groups, and organizations who, like herself, wish to courageously pursue their true purpose—to make a unique contribution while creating harmony and well-being for all. Dianne, welcome to Stepping Stones to Success.

DIANNE KIPP (KIPP) Thank you, David; it’s great to be here.

WRIGHT So before we get into this, what are all those alphabet letters after your name?

KIPP The BSN is a Bachelor in Science of Nursing, the PCC indicates that I am a Professional Certified Coach with the International Coaching Federation, and the CTT identifies me as a Certified Culture Transformation Coach with Richard Barrett Values Center.

WRIGHT Wow. Those are a lot of “hats” to wear. As busy as you are, you must have worked to achieve work/life balance. How would you define it?

KIPP I probably would put that question back to you, how do you define work/life balance—what does it look like for you?

WRIGHT Well, I would think it means not letting one part of my life overwhelm another, so I would be more balanced.

KIPP Exactly and the reason I put the question back to you is that work/life balance is going to be different for every single person and is based on what is currently happening in his or her life.

WRIGHT Who might benefit from this learning opportunity?

KIPP In short, everyone can benefit from finding balance. Work/life balance is something I think that is highly sought after, particularly at this time because every aspect of our lives is moving too quickly around us. It’s very difficult for us to stop and consciously examine what is happening day to day, let alone across the continuum of time. We are caught in the “busyness” of doing, without always knowing if our actions are in support of what we strive to accomplish. It creates a sense of feeling overwhelmed and that there is no way out, being trapped on the hamster wheel of life. Giving ourselves the opportunity to ask: “Am I satisfied with what is happening in my life, profession, or relationships right now? Is this exactly what I planned to happen? Is it okay with me that it is happening?” Taking time to check in on how we are “spending” our energies (time, money, creativity, and so forth) to achieve what we want. Once we check in, we can make adjustments accordingly. Finding balance between work and home obligations or in managing finances against critical objectives, achieving balance is based on individual needs, and ultimately benefits everyone.

WRIGHT So what are the benefits of finding balance?

KIPP 1. Creates Possibility. Finding balance opens the possibility of doing more of what you want to be doing, and less of what you don’t. When balance is consciously designed into your calendar, life feels that it is working, harmonious, and there is a higher level of satisfaction because you are living your life in compatibility with what matters most. 2. Opportunity to Walk Your Talk. Balance gives you the opportunity to live according to your principles and values, choosing only those activities that are in sync with your critical intentions for life. Which would you rather be doing? a. Busy actions from a list of to-do’s b. Making progress on your most important life dream objectives? 3. Action Plans. “Designing balance in” means creating your daily plan in a conscious way that lets you focus on those most important things. Doing it consciously increases your level of satisfaction and a feeling of being successful in managing your life. May I ask you, “Would it be okay if life got easier?” Can you see how balance makes life easier by eliminating wasted time, wasted money, and wasted creativity? You can do life with ease when you know what matters most, and focus your energies to get it done. Imagine celebrating accomplishments on a daily and weekly basis as you move toward the balance you desire!

WRIGHT So what are the basic elements involved?

KIPP The basic elements are: 1. Discovery – Identifying what matters most to you in your life, your business, your family, and so on. 2. Current State – Assessing the facts to identify the gap between what you are currently doing, versus what you want to be doing. 3. Doing it Differently – Consciously choosing actions you want to take, by what date, to begin closing the gaps. 4. Designing Balance – Defining your “Balance Formula” and Planning your daily, weekly, monthly calendar to consciously eliminate wasted activities.

Examples of finding balance might include: a. scheduling time to write your blog or book b. Organizing work schedule to allow time for working out c. Arranging volunteer work d. Creating regular time with family E. Scheduling time to design your WP entrepreneur website

First and foremost, figuring out exactly what matters most is the first step in balancing your life. What is Courageous Living? I have coined the phrase “Courageous Living” to describe “taking action to discover what matters most.” Why Courageous Living? Because I believe it takes a tremendous amount of courage for people to stop the everyday activities long enough to take a look inside and to ask themselves these questions:

1. “If life were going to end for me shortly, what things would I want to focus on, 2. what would I want to have accomplished, 3. how do I want to be remembered, and 4. by whom do I want to be remembered when I am gone from this life?”

Only then can one identify what truly matters most right now. 1. Discovery. In general then, step one is discovering your specific list of what matters most. 2. Current State. Assess your current status to ask yourself, “Where am I currently now, how am I doing, how would I rate myself?” You can actually give yourself a score between zero and a hundred to indicate your “happiness” with any particular “desire.” 3. Doing it Differently. The third step is deciding what you will do differently, once you see your current status. In this step you have the opportunity to decide what actions you will take to improve a score less than 80 percent. What are the next steps you are willing to take to begin moving in the direction of successfully achieving your goal? Sometimes this requires taking a closer look to see where you might be “leaking energy” so that you can eliminate the “leak.” 4. Designing Balance Formula. Crafting your “Balance Formula” is the final step. In this step you will Design Balance into your schedule by planning daily, weekly, monthly what will change. What will you be doing more of, and what will you be doing less of to create the balance you desire? Leaking energy? Now let me explain what I mean by “leaking energy.” Imagine that you have an intention to grow the best beefsteak tomatoes at the state fair. You have a watering can with fertilizer and water and you are on your way to feed the tomato plant. But you notice that the daisies need a drink and so does the little tree planted a while back. By the time you get to the tomatoes, you don’t have enough to properly feed it. Can you see that “leaking the energy meant for the tomato” decreases the chance of winning the state prize?

WRIGHT Absolutely.

KIPP Okay. So what happened? You “leaked” the water and the fertilizer that was intended to go to the tomatoes by spending them on something that was not a priority to win the state prize. Now, if you will think about “leaking” in terms of the other energies we use, our time for instance, it is easy to see how we leak time unconsciously on a regular basis.. Here’s another example: Let’s say I have several things I want to accomplish today: 1) work on three projects that require my undivided attention, 2) time at home this evening with a softball game for my son. I know I need to spend at least two hours on each project. Two times three, that’s six hours, which is not a lot of time left to do anything else at work. Correct? If I now spend fifteen minutes talking to a friend in the hallway—it’s about a project, but it’s not about one of these three projects—and then I end up deciding at lunchtime that I’m going to spend an extra ten minutes running across the street to pick up a greeting card I am going to need for the weekend, I just lost twenty-five minutes. You can see how I’m leaking energy—my time energy—away from what I know matters most about those three projects and about being able to leave work on time to get to my son’s game. Rather than allow myself to “leak” the extra twenty-five minutes, I could have spent the time on the projects, left work early to attend the game, and felt good about achieving both priorities without extra stress or feeling that I failed. There is also a sense of ease associated with spending energy on the appropriate priorities because rather than fighting with myself in my mind about how to spend my time or how to spend my money, I have a very clear list to remind myself. If it isn’t in support of something I declared matters most, then I probably shouldn’t be doing it.

WRIGHT So if our readers who are reading this chapter want to get involved in work/life balance, how do they begin?

KIPP For those who want to get started, Hooray for you! No need to wait for something catastrophic to get your attention. You can do this on your own, or you might consider working with a coach. I also recommend that you find a colleague or friend who is serious about being your “cheerleader” to support you in your quest.

Okay, David, let’s review the steps with a few examples: 1. Discovery – First and foremost you must stop the wheel of life and dedicate time to get clear about what matters most to you right now. Arrange for an hour of alone time and then follow these steps. Complete the following Dreaming Exercise. Pretend a Genie has come to grant you all the time, money, and resources you might ever need. Answer the following three questions without limitations or restrictions. Let your imagination be as outrageous and creative as it likes. 1) Where would you be? 2) What would you be doing? 3) What would you have? Complete the dreaming or envisioning exercise for your personal life and your professional life as well to gain clarity in both arenas. When you have completed your exercises, go back and identify the top three most important dreams or goals in each category (be, doing, having).

2. Current State – Once you have declared what matters most and you are very clear, the next step is to assess “current state” as to your level of satisfaction in each area. Here you are going to give yourself a score for each of your top three priorities. For example, if you say that being financially successful is at the top of your list, the second question is to clarify what exactly does financial success look like for you: do you have your number in mind? If not, it will be necessary to identify the amount of money that will give you “financial success.” Once you have identified the amount, now you can assess how “satisfied” you are with your current achievement of that number. Are you 70 percent satisfied, 50 percent satisfied?

3. Doing It Differently – You can now consciously choose what actions you might want to take to increase financial success. Perhaps you will decide to begin a college fund or other savings plan or perhaps there are expenses you want to eliminate. Another example might be if you discovered that your next top objective is physical health and wellness. Imagine what that looks like and then give yourself a score. Are you 70 percent satisfied, 50 percent? Any score below 80 percent will indicate needing some kind of action to increase your level of satisfaction in that area. If you are not going to the gym due to long hours at work, what action will you take to get to the gym at least twice a week? What adjustment will you make in your schedule at work to make it possible? You may discover that you are doing a pretty good job of taking care of your fitness, and it would be great to know you don’t need to add more, you may even find you can take a break from time to time. And if it’s about relationship—being a better loving husband or wife—if there is something you’d like to be doing more frequently to increase your level of satisfaction, what might you decide to begin doing differently? Planning a Saturday night date night? Sunday brunch? Remember that quantum physics tells us we must be able to see it before we can be it. Let your imagination be your guide!

4. “Designing Balance Formula In” is about planning how and when to take action, crafting your plan for what you’re willing to do more of, or less of to keep moving your dial closer to 100 percent level satisfaction in each of those top three priorities you have declared most important. You now have your personal Balance Formula, designed by you, for work-life and home-life planning. Remember you’re looking at this from both your personal life and your work life, creating the plan so you can balance between the two. Life just got easier just knowing that you have a clear plan, a clear strategy, and it’s designed into your day.

WRIGHT Is there a plan or a method for maintaining balance?

KIPP Maintaining Balance. Yes indeed. The final step of Designing Balance In involves action planning that is time based. Here you are using your calendar. Let me say a few words about how I see people using their calendars in my work as a coach. I’m always amazed at how many things people tell me they plan to do in a given day. When I look at the sheer number of hours it will take to do what they’re going to do, there is no time for sleeping, there is nothing for time off in the evening, there is no balance between doing versus not doing. I’m sure most of this is a result of our imagination, where our brain will imagine how much we can get done in an endless list. However, this kind of thinking is infinite, there are no time boundaries for thoughts or dreams, but once we are in “real time,” time is no longer infinite, it’s finite; there are only so many hours in the day. If you are planning too many tasks at work and then planning too many activities at home, you are going to be overworked, overwhelmed, and will probably have less hours for sleep, adding over-tired. Shall I go on? You are probably not eating properly and probably not having time for exercise either. Where is the balance? So this is why using your calendar to plan your work and life activities through seven days in the week is a vital step in balancing and maintaining the balance. Now, you have a visual representation of how balanced your life is becoming. You can see how you are spending hours toward the things you say matter most, or not. It’s either “yes” I am or “no” I’m not. You can adjust the plan to get to “yes.” You also have the opportunity to say “yes” to those things that will bring you into greater satisfaction and “no” to those things that are wasting your time, your money, or your creativity. Worth it, don’t you think?

WRIGHT Is it the same for everyone or are methods or plans unique to each individual?

KIPP Every single one of us will have a unique contribution to make in this universe and how we are getting to make those contributions is going to be unique to what matters most to each of us as well. Some of us want to be writers, some of us want to be excellent parents, some of us want to be creators of new businesses, some of us want to excel in our career—in whatever profession of our choice. Unfortunately, sometimes our brains will work against us being, doing, or having what we know matters most. Have you ever noticed how you hear your mind telling you all the reasons you cannot do something to the point you just give up? By listening to the reasons and stories about why we can’t be or do or have what we want, we are living “unconsciously.” Those who choose to build their “Balance Formula” go through the process to uniquely identify and clarify what matters most, and then consciously assess if they are satisfied with how things are currently going. They are then able to make the adjustments they see necessary to achieve their dreams and goals. Using their brains consciously in this “assessment” empowers them to go get what they want from life! No excuses. This is where they take responsibility to make conscious choices to change their lives, to create the balance they deserve and intend to have, and to experience a higher level of satisfaction and harmony. So while it is a completely unique experience for every individual, the process for yielding their personal “Balance Formula,” is the same for everyone.

WRIGHT Will you walk our readers through the process?

KIPP Very well, David. To refresh the basic elements: Step 1. Discovery – Identifying what matters most to you in your life, your business, your family, and so on. Step 2. Current State – Assessing the facts to identify the gap between what you are currently doing versus what you want to be doing. Step 3. Doing it Differently – Consciously choosing Actions you want to take by when, to begin closing the gaps. Step 4. Designing Balance – Defining your “Balance Formula”—Planning your daily, weekly, monthly calendar to consciously eliminate the wasted activities.

To summarize, it is first of all “discovering,” taking time to do a little dreaming activity (as described above), to discover what really matters most to you in your life right now. What is most important to get done at work? What are you trying to achieve there? If you are the CEO, you want to be sure you have the appropriate strategic plan and that your budget and capital resources are aligned specifically to support the strategic plan as well as the infrastructure and talent pool. Identify the “leaks” that can be eliminated or shifted or where expenditures are necessary for success. If you are looking through your life lens, you discover the personal goals that matter most. You might discover you want to be a better parent, be more involved in projects at home, or would rather be spending more time with your parents or relatives. Have you tuned in to your creative self? Is there something you want to be writing, or painting or creating or might there be a desire to change your career that you are hoping to explore? Second step is then assessing “current state.” How are you doing with what matters most? Looking at it from the work perspective and personal perspective, what are your targets? Are you accomplishing those things that you said really matter most? Seeing the opportunity for to create balance and success, what do you want to shift or change? Third step is consciously deciding to do it differently. What actions will you take to begin progressing toward your dreams and goals? With the assessment in hand, you can determine what activities you will spend less time doing and what activities you will spend more time doing to accomplish your dreams and goals. Step four is the final step – Designing the Balance in – creating your personal Balance Formula, scheduling your plan of action in your calendar in a fashion that lets you put your attention on your intentions. Do you want to write a book? Is the time allotted in your calendar? If you don’t begin making time for it now, it may not ever happen. How great will it feel to be writing your book on a weekly basis? (I know it feels wonderful to be writing mine, I can see my name in print already!) I think Deepak Chopra probably said this best, “If you put your attention on your intentions, what you feed will grow and what you don’t will go away.” It requires becoming more consciously aware of where you are being busy for the sake of being busy versus being busy doing something that really matters and is taking you to the level of satisfaction you hope to achieve.

WRIGHT How frequently must a person utilize the process?

KIPP David, it’s a process you must be “checking in” with regularly. You might decide you will check on your Balance Formula once a month just like your bank account. Each month you are asking yourself, “How am I doing? Am I satisfied with the results? Is the plan working and if it’s not working, what must I adjust? Otherwise if you do not check in at least monthly (or whatever timeframe makes sense for you), you run the risk of sliding back to those actions that were not in service to the Balance Formula. The balance formula is designed by you to support what you have declared matters most, knowing it, assessing it, realigning it, and then taking action to accomplish results. Checking in with yourself to see exactly how you are progressing will give you a chance to celebrate your success and adjust what needs to shift. Your Balance Formula will combine your declarations of what matters most from your personal or home life perspective as well as from your professional or work life perspective. Too much of either will create an imbalance or sense of being out of sync, over-worked, over-tired, or just plain bored. It is at this point you can notice where you are leaking energy. If you are spending time or money doing things that are not in alignment with what you declared matters most, either at work or at home, you can eliminate the leak by replacing that activity with one that is likely to achieve your intended results. Life is too short to leak it away, don’t you think? In a nutshell checking in creates conscious awareness and gives you the opportunity to decide to do it differently. When you decide to do it differently, it’s such a great feeling because now you experience success, now you have done something that makes you feel like you are paying attention, you are in command of your time, you’re in command of your outcomes, and life feels easier, more satisfying. Otherwise you are just going along on the merry-go-round of life, wondering when it will stop and feeling like you can never take a breath. When choosing to design balance into life, you plan to take time off, you plan specific time to do specific things on your inventory of what matters (most important life achievements). You truly do create the life you want to live, and you are doing it in a balanced way. Now isn’t this a courageous way to live? You betcha!

WRIGHT Are there particular references or readings that we might want to know if we are interested in changing and being a part of work/life balance?

KIPP Much of what I have shared here is based on my personal coaching experience, my coaching training at the Academy for Coaching Excellence, and Maria Nemeth’s book, The Energy of Money. A few other references that would support what we’ve discussed today include The Fifth Discipline by Peter Senge, and Change Your Questions, Change Your Life by Marilee Adams.

WRIGHT What a truly informative hour this has been. I really appreciate your taking all this time with me to answer all these questions. I really have learned a lot here today and I think our readers, who, probably like me, need life balance, will appreciate and learn from this.

KIPP Well, David, it’s always my pleasure to speak about something that is one of my greatest passions—helping people achieve the balance they desire so they can increase their satisfaction and gain a sense of harmony and joy in their lives. Isn’t it wonderful to know you are in charge of your own sweet success! Now that is what I call Courageous Living at its finest. Thanks so much for the opportunity to share.

WRIGHT Today I have been talking with Dianne Kipp. Coach Dianne empowers others to envision their most magnificent future while providing the support and tools necessary for their success. Her coaching approach utilizes holistic principles to facilitate permanent transformation in her clients’ lives. She seeks individuals, groups, and businesses who wish to courageously pursue their true purpose and making a unique contribution while creating harmony and well-being. Dianne, thank you so much for being with us on Stepping Stones to Success.

KIPP You’re very welcome, David. Thank you so much for the opportunity.

About the Author

Coach Dianne empowers others to envision their most magnificent future while providing the support and tools necessary for their success. Calling upon thirty years of experience in the fields of nursing, preventive health, pharmaceutical, technology, financial services, and non- profit corporations, her coaching and consulting approach utilizes holistic principles to facilitate permanent transformation in her clients’ organizations and lives. Dianne believes that every individual is capable of achieving his or her highest potential. She partners with her clients to discover the facts, eliminate the “story,” and to craft a plan of action for leading their lives and organizations to greater success. A consultant, facilitator, speaker, writer, and awesome retreat guide, Dianne seeks individuals, groups, and organizations who, like herself, wish to courageously pursue their true purpose in making a unique contribution while creating harmony and well-being for all. Clients find working with Dianne provides “openness” and a “safe space” in which they can discover new ways to articulate and accomplish the critical objectives necessary to move themselves and their organizations forward with relative ease. In addition to a Bachelor’s in Nursing Science (Rhode Island College) and IT graduate studies (Northeastern University), Dianne has a certified individual and organizational coach (ICF PCC) designation from the Academy for Coaching Excellence in California. She holds advanced certification in Corporate Culture Transformation, Richard Barrett & Associates, North Carolina, and is an affiliate faculty member of the University of Florida Leadership Development Institute. Dianne was recently in the top three candidates for Iconic Women: Woman Entrepreneur of the Year 2012 in St. Petersburg, Florida. Dianne also organizes and conducts retreats for woman in exotic locations for relaxation, introspection, rejuvenation, and fun. She volunteers coaching and leadership development services to non-profit organizations in Florida and Michigan. In her leisure time, she is an avid outdoors adventurer. A runner for many years, she now enjoys Nordic walking and is currently training to ride a Century bike ride for Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation. She loves traveling to new cultures domestically and abroad with her life partner and spending quality time with family.

DIANNE M. KIPP, BSN, PCC, CTT Dianne M. Kipp & Associates, LLC Life, Leadership & Culture Strategist P O Box 66674 St Pete Beach, FL 33736 727-481-1646 [email protected] www.diannekipp.com

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