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The 17Th Annual Alternative Oscars

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The 17Th Annual Alternative Oscars FILM he conjured in his mind, Jurassic World. PAUL? PAUL GIAMATTI?! I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M RUNNING INTO YOU HERE! HOW ARE YOU DOING, BUDDY? > Paul Giamatti in N. W. A origin movie Straight Outta Compton (below). > Paul Giamatti in Brian Wilson biopic Love & Mercy. > Paul Giamatti in earthquake thriller San Andreas. SMALLEST VIOLIN Director Oren Moverman on Richard Gere’s role as a homeless man in Time Out of Mind: “He was shaken by the experience because [he] is used to being looked The 17th Annual at and admired. Here he was, dealing with immediate rejection.” Alternative Oscars MOST HEARTWARMING BECAUSE SOMEONE HAS TO HONOR AFFIRMATION OF GENITALS MOVIES THAT CAME OUT BEFORE OCTOBER “Have you ever fucked any- one before? Where are they THE LATTER-DAY AL splicing in space epic Jupiter MAYBE EMMA STONE buried?” —Amy Schumer PACINO AWARD FOR RANDOM Ascending is pointy ears. WASN’T SO UNBELIEVABLE to a well-endowed partner, SHOUTING AS AN ASIAN WOMAN Trainwreck Eddie Redmayne as an im- IN A TROUBLED TIME, DESPITE IN ALOHA mortal space dictator, Jupiter OUR SOMETIMES BITTER Chris Hemsworth as a BIGGEST BLOCKBUSTER Ascending. DIVISIONS, WHAT WE SHARE hacker, Blackhat. CLIMAX AS A PEOPLE AND WHAT Wife-murdering lunatic mil- THE LATTER-DAY AL PACINO DEFINES US AS A NATION lionaire Robert Durst con- AWARD FOR RANDOM Michael Keaton fessing “What the hell did SHOUTING (RUNNER-UP) I do? Killed them all, of Al Pacino as old Al Pacino, UNLIKELIEST BODY PART OF course” into a hot mic during Danny Collins. DAKOTA JOHNSON’S TO HAVE the finale of HBO’sThe Jinx. TAKEN THE MOST ABUSE IN BEST ARGUMENT FOR GMOS FIFTY SHADES OF GREY THE FALLEN SOLDIER’S That the only side effect of Johnson’s lower lip, which MOST EFFORTLESS SEXUAL DEMERIT FOR POOR COMBAT Channing Tatum being the she bites 45 times during the CHEMISTRY CHOICES (SPONSORED BY THE product of human-wolf gene S&M film. Chris Pratt and the dinosaurs CONTINUED DIGITAL MDI BY ILLUSTRATION 42 ESQUIRE / MARCH 2016 Now Playing at the Hell Plaza Octoplex Blackhat • Black Sea • Blackbird • The Woman in Black 2: Angel of Death • Black Mass • FILM Black or White • Black Souls • Shia LaBeouf Film Festival • CONTINUED LEAST BELIEVABLE LEAST BELIEVABLE GO-TO GUY NATIONAL RIFLE ASSOCIATION) GO-TO GUY FOR A THING FOR A THING NO ONE GOES TO TOM HARDY’S Finnick using a decorative NO ONE GOES TO ANYONE FOR (RUNNER-UP) trident instead of an AK-47 ANYONE FOR Kevin Hart as a grooms- OEUVRE, IN ORDER OF to take on dozens of raven- Kevin Hart as a man who men wrangler, The Wedding INCREASING ACCENT ous salamander men in The prepares people for prison, Ringer. INSCRUTABILITY Hunger Games: Mockingjay, Get Hard. Part 2. LEAST RACIST GUY IN A MOVIE RocknRolla: Public- WHERE ALL THE WHITE PEOPLE transit announcement. OPENING ACT THAT OBVIATES ARE TERRIBLE—OH, NO, YUP, THE MAIN SHOW HE’S RACIST, TOO Locke: Time-weathered barge captain. Tina Fey and Amy Poehler’s Domhnall Gleeson as the rel- Inception: Cockney press tour for their buddy atively sort-of-upstanding cheesemonger coming comedy Sisters. captain of a fur-trapping out of anesthesia. expedition, The Revenant. Bronson: Small-town shell-game operator BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN OIL eating charcuterie. PAINTING Legend: Nick Nolte. “The Woman in Gold,” Mad Max: Fury Road: Woman in Gold. Nick Nolte with a sock in his mouth. The Revenant: “Lemme tell you—we’ll have another round of Old Crow, thanks, sweet- heart—no, listen, I gotta say something. .” Beasts Nation. No of The Dark Knight Rises: and Nick Nolte with under- THE TRADING-MANHATTAN- wear in his mouth. Room FOR-$24-WORTH-OF-BEADS AWARD FOR IMPRUDENT DEALS Emily Ratajkowski dumping Leon “Ladies Man” MUTE PERFORMANCE recently reascended Phelps, Kingsman: The OF THE YEAR actor Wes Bentley for Zac Secret Service. Efron in EDM movie We Are > Joseph Gordon-Levitt as ad Max: Fury Road is the most metal movie in the history Your Friends. Pepé Le Pew, The Walk. of metal and movies. No backstory. No character de- M velopment. (Mad Max is mad! Furiosa is furious!) Just THE ZOE SALDANA IN AVATAR MOST FORESIGHT balls-out action. But let’s not forget the movie’s most metal AWARD FOR PORTRAYAL OF element: that guy with the guitar. True to the film, he’s never The casting director of Ex named or explained or given a stitch of dialogue. In the credits, AN UNCOMFORTABLY Machina, whose three leads he’s called the Doof Warrior, apparently after Australian slang ATTRACTIVE NONHUMAN went on to star in 2015’s for an outdoor rave; online he’s sometimes referred to as the Alicia Vikander as a robot in Brooklyn, The Danish Girl, Coma-Doof Warrior, after—well, no idea, really. It doesn’t mat- ter what he’s called, because he’s the only blind guy wearing AI thriller Ex Machina. Star Wars: The Force Awakens, a mask and what looks like red long underwear, shredding a The Man from U. N. C. L. E. , double-necked guitar that shoots flames while he’s banded and The Revenant. to an amplifier-laden truck. Higher-minded critics might argue that he’s a postapoca- THE HELL? lyptic stand-in for the fifers and drummer boys who once led the charge, inspirers and intimidators by rhythm alone. That’s Will Smith, Focus. stupid. The Doof Warrior exists only to make possible every other crazy thing in Fury Road. A farm of lactating women? SERIOUSLY, WHAT’S GOING Sure thing. A geezer with live bullets for teeth? No problem. ON WITH WILL SMITH’S During every instant that defies credulity, during every mo- ment of bafflement at the spectacle unfolding before your SPECIAL ACHIEVEMENTS CAREER? Honorarium for Subject Matter We Feel Uncomfortable Joking About Outside Joking This Margin: Uncomfortable Feel We Matter Subject for Honorarium eyes, you’ll be on the verge of protest before you remember: IN UNINTENDED Will Smith, Concussion. Then again, there’s that guy with the guitar. The Doof War- IMPERSONATIONS rior is the liberator, the convention releaser, the excuse for I MEAN, HE’S BARELY IN THE director George Miller to use every last scrap of his twisted > Armie Hammer as imagination and for us to go along for the ride. The Doof Yakov Smirnoff, The Man SUICIDE SQUAD TRAILERS Schindler’s List Schindler’s Warrior is the permission slip of the year. —CHRIS JONES from U. N. C. L. E. Idris Elba, Avengers: Age of ILLUSTRATION BY MATTHEW BILLINGTON MATTHEW BY ILLUSTRATION The > Samuel L. Jackson as CONTINUED 44 ESQUIRE / MARCH 2016 The Year in Huge 2015 saw some of the most expensive, apocalyptically staked, and (literally) explosive films of all time. But which were the hugest of all? Live heavy-met- $200m+ Title unable to be con- IMAX 3-D 2-hour+ al soundtrack budget tained by a single phrase compatibility running time Star Wars: The Force Awakens Avengers: Age of Ultron Jurassic World FILM Mad Max: Fury Road CONTINUED seven years after the 2008 himself across the Dakota Other People: Ultron and Beasts of subprime-mortgage crisis Territory, The Revenant. Jason: Have you ever had sex No Nation. (99 Homes, The Big Short). for 90 minutes? Andrea: With you? MOST INFORMATIVELY TITLED NOT AGAIN Jason: With anybody! SEQUEL Ryan Reynolds, Woman in Andrea: Oh, many times. The Second Best Exotic Gold and Self/Less. Jason: You have not had sex Marigold Hotel for 90 minutes. THE CLINT EASTWOOD Andrea: I have had, like, THE “OH, DAD!” AFTER- IN THE GOOD, THE BAD AND actual intercourse for 90 SCHOOL-SPECIAL WHITE- THE UGLY AWARD SCENE OF THE YEAR minutes. WASHING MEDAL FOR ACHIEVEMENT IN Jason Mantzoukas and Jason: I bet they’re, like, The burgers, fries, Cokes, CHAPPED LIPS Andrea Savage’s improvisa- counting foreplay and stuff. smiles, and general Leonardo DiCaprio as a tion during the credits of ro- Andrea: Now I’m super- atmosphere in the Straight mauled trapper dragging mantic comedy Sleeping with CONTINUED Outta Compton recording- sessions montage, Straight Outta Compton. MOST EFFECTIVE COMMUNIST PROPAGANDA Screenwriter Dalton Trumbo explaining communism to his young daughter as being like a kid sharing a sandwich with another kid who doesn’t have his own sandwich, conveniently forgetting to mention that one kid also murders millions of other kids for disagreeing with him, Trumbo. HE MUST’VE PRODUCED ACHIEVEMENT IN ROBOT CHOREOGRAPHY THIS, RIGHT? WHY ELSE WOULD HIS FACE BE SO HUGE worker bee from a visionary tech company orately choreographed version of “Get Down ON THE POSTER? wins an office competition that earns him Saturday Night” with silent and sexy Kyoko A the ultimate prize: an invitation to visit the is so funny and transporting not simply be- George Lopez, Spare Parts. company’s legendary founder, Nathan, at his cause it reveals the depths of his isolation secluded mountain refuge. Nathan has with- and madness. It also reveals that Nathan is a drawn from the world, and the world has re- great dancer, his black shirt unzipped to the sponded by fixating on what he’s been up to; waist to better show off his body rolls. He has now Domhnall Gleeson’s Caleb gets a chance the moves his earnest employee doesn’t, and to find out. When he does, in Alex Garland’s so, though batshit crazy, he never has to pre- Ex Machina, it’s the single greatest cinematic tend to be anything less than a superior being. moment of 2015. Because Nathan, played Sure, the Ex Machina disco works as a scene with eerie and seductive arrogance by Oscar in a dark technological parable.
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