Chapters Chapter 1: Moonian or Martian? ................................................................................................................................ 1 Chapter 2: Icy the Ice Queen ....................................................................................................................................... 3 Chapter 3: The Crisis of the Missing Snacks ................................................................................................................ 5 Chapter 4: Mars… Again? ............................................................................................................................................ 8 Chapter 5: A Breezy Space Walk ............................................................................................................................... 10 Chapter 6: Franky the Hot Dog Vendor ..................................................................................................................... 13 Chapter 7: An Unexpected Encounter ...................................................................................................................... 16 Chapter 8: The Great Planetary Race (Part I) ............................................................................................................ 19 Chapter 9: The Great Planetary Race (Part II) ........................................................................................................... 24 Chapter 10: Crossing Paths ....................................................................................................................................... 28 Chapter 11: Full Circle ............................................................................................................................................... 33 Chapter 12: The Trek to Saturn ................................................................................................................................. 38 Chapter 13: The Great Snot Bubble .......................................................................................................................... 42 Chapter 14: The Travelocity Gnome ......................................................................................................................... 45 Chapter 15: The Life of a Gnome .............................................................................................................................. 49 Chapter 16: The Time Machine ................................................................................................................................. 53 Chapter 17: Operation Total Mayhem ..................................................................................................................... 59 Chapter 18: Déjà vu ................................................................................................................................................... 64 Chapter 19: Decision Time ........................................................................................................................................ 69 Chapter 20: The Mad Dash ....................................................................................................................................... 72 Chapter 21: Mercury (a.k.a. The Great Reunion—Part I) ......................................................................................... 78 Chapter 22: The Rockin’ Dead ................................................................................................................................... 82 Chapter 23: The Encore ............................................................................................................................................. 89 Chapter 24: A Few Moldy Buns ................................................................................................................................. 94 Chapter 25: Worm Holes, Elvis Presley, and the Realm of the Dead ........................................................................ 97 Chapter 26: The Marriage Express (a.k.a. The Great Reunion—Part II) ................................................................. 103 Chapter 27: A Fishy Tale .......................................................................................................................................... 110 Epilogue ................................................................................................................................................................... 117 Chapter 1: Moonian or Martian? Hello, and let me introduce myself, "Hello, and let me introduce myself, I'm two years old, and small as an elf. I'm two years old, and small as an elf. I'm a cute little boy named Gabriel, I'm a cute little boy named Gabriel, And so I fit cribs and onesies very well. And so I fit cribs and onesies very well. I have two parents—a mom and dad, This here is my companion and good friend Teddy, Sometimes they scold me for being bad, For a long time has our friendship been steady. They tell me "go to sleep!" We are traveling through the stars—that's right— And not to make a single peep. For how could we not on such a clear night? But I can't help it, I swear, And what may your name be, Mister Alien? For I feel like playing with my teddy bear, Or would that be ‘Sir’? But then again, Rather than going to sleep, I think you might go by ‘Moonian,’ no? And falling into a dream so deep. You are a Moonian, isn't that so?" For me and teddy would go on adventures, "In fact, young Earthling, I am not. And take bold risks and great ventures, I'm actually stuck—kinda caught. If only we could break free, I only crash landed here, you see. Of this crib and its bars surrounding me. I'm really a Martian—yesseree. Why, if we could, we'd try, teddy and I, I'm from Mars; I'm your neighbor next door, To climb aboard that rocket in the sky— I was exploring the planets and so much more, The one on my mobile hanging above me, Until my stupid ship crash landed here, With planets, stars, and comets floating free. Because I suddenly forgot how to steer! We'd climb aboard, I say, Luckily, I found a few helpful locals, And we'd fly far far away, Who were kind enough to answer my calls, Out of this crib and to the stars, My calls of distress and frustration, No longer caught between these bars. And so they came to assess my situation. The first place we'd go, in our rocket ship, There were three of them to be exact, On this adventurous space-bound trip, And, oh, how quickly they began to act. Is to the Moon, that bright round ball, I'd say ‘Scientist,’ ‘Philosopher,’ and ‘Engineer’— That I see outside the window on my wall. That is, if I were to name them by career. We'd land and right away, The scientist, Hubert, studies quantum mechanics, Right on the very first day, And listens very closely to those annoying tics, Meet an alien, some weird moon-creature, The ones my ship’s been mysteriously making, Someone who was strange to look at for sure, Ever since the crash from which I'm still shaking. For his skin would be green like a frog, The engineer, Sally, has begun, Not like a sheep, goat, or dog, Eagerly and seemingly having fun, And he’d have big bulging eyes, To fix the plumbing on my ship— The type that would take you by surprise, First order of business on a space trip! And don’t get me started on his head, And the philosopher, Immanuel, has been thinking, For it would be huge like a king size bed, Thinking long and hard, sometimes blinking. A pair of spectacles on his face would sit, Trying to figure out the justification for why And a propeller cap on his head would fit. I crashed rather than soared through the astral sky. I'd introduce Teddy and I, I would, Come, let me introduce you. To this strange looking alien, as I should, Maybe you can join the crew. And I'd kick things off right, I'm sure that you and Teddy, And try at all costs to avoid a fight: Have something to offer at the ready." "Why, that would be splendid," I'd say, But that's a different problem, a digression, "I'm so glad that in my crib I didn't stay, What's important now is to answer the question, For this is already way more exciting, Of why this terrible event did happen. Than I expected, and, oh, how inviting." We know it wasn't because Sir Martian was nappin'. Teddy and I would follow Sir Martian, The only conclusion I can come to about this curse, Back to his friends at the station. Is that we live in a deterministic universe, It wouldn't take long—no, not at all, Which can only mean it was written in the stars, For the Moon is a tiny, eensy-weensy ball. That on this day you would crash, traveler from Mars." We would get there speedy quick, and I would see, "Now wait a minute," Hurbert would stand up, Hubert, Immanuel, and skinny little Sally. "If determinism were tea, I'd throw away the cup, They would be hard at work indeed, For as an expert in quantum theory, Taking care of Sir Martian's central need. Talk of determinism makes me weary. I'd see Hubert knocking on the ship, on the door, For it is false—and that means not true— And then listening for something, maybe a roar. That everything we see and everything we do, He was studying something for sure, testing. Has been written in the stars since time began. A lot of concentration he seemed to be investing. Can things happen randomly? Yes they can!" Sally would be there too, getting a shock— So Hubert and Immanuel would shout and dispute, After fixing the wires in the cockpit clock. That what the other was saying does not compute, She'd like it though,