Hotties Notties
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DM1ST THURSDAY 25.09.2014 DAILY MIRROR 27 SIOBHAN McNALLY First-world problems SOLVED! HOTTIES KIDS PLAY FOOTSIE MOVIE Shoemaker to Want a saucy peek the stars OF THE Jimmy Choo intends to float on the WEEK London Stock Exchange this Facebook status “bored at work”? Then catch up with week, which at a hack like me? this week’s viral video: my brilliant business brain TITLE: Funny goats balancing on sheet metal (now tells me can only be a good IT may surprise you to learn Kardashian, Amber Heard suspect these celebrities with sound added) thing – unless female that despite uploading all my and Jennifer Lawrence won’t be the last ones to STARRING: The Billy Goats Gruff and flexible steel investors start hiding their naked photos on iCloud, I still have been making love to have their privates plas- ribbon in a supporting role purchases in the back of the haven’t been hacked. the camera like the rest tered all over the internet. wardrobe. BEST LINE: Couple of teenage troglodytes screeching What’s a girl gotta do to get a bit of us. If you’re an actress or I know! This is like the The difference being no singer, then having a sexy in their bedroom and wobbling a metal tray provide Money page or something. of overexposure round here? Well I the soundtrack suppose I could let those shots of one wants my naked selfie is the modern Next week, I explain equity selfies when they can get equivalent of an Equity PLOT: Grim old Norwegian fairy tale gets modern derivatives. me doing an erotic fan dance Disney reworking when a group of sad goats in a with two copies of the Mirror themselves some starkers card – you still have to celebrities. flash it every time you’re French field decide to trip-trapp across the bridge to a SEX IS THE PITS “accidentally” fall into the wrong better life. But instead of alerting a big ugly troll who German hands, and then get my press agent And while photos of up for a new part. wants to gobble them up, the bridge turns out to be a sexologist and to leak the news. As soon as he stops them in varying states of And now that sexting is fabulously bendy plaything that awakens their true undress are now available CLOUD BURST the new foreplay in our former model laughing, that is. Jennifer Lawrence happiness. Wheeeeeee! The end. Ann-Marlene Or perhaps I could publicly invite from a discussion forum hook-up culture, we’re all near you for £50 a pop, I storing rudey nudeys on our Henning has digital intruders by waving my hands I’m better written a new in the air and saying “Cooeeee, over can’t give mine away. smartphones. 6You think you’re having problems with the recent sex education here,” like former reality TV star Although I’m not quite acquainted In the olden days, a invasion of giant spiders, but spare a thought for gone-off-the-boil-a-bit hottie Keanu Reeves who keeps book for Sophie Anderton when she tweeted, sure why a hacker would gentleman caller would ask teenagers bother to raid Rihanna’s with a lady for a keepsake – now finding female intruders in his house. called Sex & “I do wish someone would stop Rihanna’s Last week a desperate fan was hauled out of the hacking my iCloud.” iCloud. Most pictures of he wants a saucy snap of a Lovers, promising to do for her in the buff are in the boobs than her bumpy bits, not a star’s swimming pool, but two days before that, Keanu, young people what The Joy of It’s true smartphones weren’t 50, was woken at 4am by sounds coming from his invented solely for the purposes of public domain anyway. In pressed flower. Sex did for their parents. fact I am better acquainted my own In this digital age, sexting library. Anyway, cops say they detained a 40-year-old Not sure how free love, sharing nude selfies (I know this – woman who Keanu said “obviously did not belong I’ve spent hours checking the small with the singer’s boobs can also keep the romance hairy armpits and a rather than I am my own. there”, missing out “because she’s far too old for me”. musky lax attitude to print), but the first thing people alive between married couples. deodorant will go down with think about when they get a new However, the 50 leaked topless Expressing their feelings through the iGeneration. Goodness gadget, is how can I have sex with photos of Johnny Depp’s fiancee the medium of selfies is just a new knows, I’ve been trying to it? So it’s hardly surprising to find Amber do go some way to explaining platform for deeper understanding convince them for years. out that celebrities like Kim why Depp hasn’t had a decent movie between the sexes… and an oppor- out recently. tunity for a quick nag. CROFTON RESOURCES But the actress says she won’t be That bum selfie says: “I love you, taking this violation of her privacy dude, but if you forget to put the NOTTIES lying down. Well, not any more. I bins out, you’re out on your ass…” WAISTED ON ME If there was any news to come WHAT THE HASHTAGS out of London Fashion Week, it was that the waist will be back next spring. So this is SHOULD REALLY SAY... possibly not the Solving the climate crisis is not a question of politics. It is a ideal time for moral obligation #theybetternottaxsuperyachts Krispy Kreme to Hairy eco-warrior Leonardo DiCaprio saves the planet launch their by not shaving doughnut-inspired milkshakes. Mind you, who’d Can’t believe I somehow managed to get myself to Bath want 612 calories in today #betterknownforshoweringherBristols liquid form apart Ex-soap actress Helen Flanagan resumes normal from a few gastric service despite brunette dye job band cheats? SO OUT OF DATE Literally got out of bed, went downstairs and Time at the bar scoffed 3 Oreo cookies. For no reason. has been called #foodneverpassesmylipsy on cheesy New Essex girl Michelle Keegan has forgotten that chat-up lines hunger makes you eat and replaced by silent speed- dating nights. Shhh Dating Achingly bad web health advice invited me to When not figuring out how to morning I was feeling tired and headachy, one of their HUNGER solve the big issues like climate my joints hurt, and frankly I was bored. So events in GAMES change or global poverty, I love I typed in my symptoms, gave a few more London this week but the Michelle doing online tests. details like “fat chance” when asked if thought of gazing at someone Anything from What Sort Of pregnant, and waited for my results. and making a “deeper, more Cult Should You Join? (hippy I expect my GP will be thrilled to hear instantaneous connection” commune with a dark secret) to I’m not just malingering and I’ve actually made me want to poke my eyes How Fast Can You Read? (entire got Giant Cell Arteritis or Sarcoidosis. out with a sharp stick. Game of Thrones collection in 212 Although I’m a bit concerned Isabel Still, it would have made for days – but why would you want to?). says the term “bored” may not have a memorable date once they’d But my favourite is Isabel, the online influenced the final result. Which is silly – stemmed the flow of blood. symptom checker. Only yesterday we all know a person can DIE of boredom..