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ALFRED TAKE YOUR P"* ... so everybody must Weak coffee sales gives us gird themselves for the
growers Java jitters ! enemy—namely' *"•»—* low profits!—
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Every day a new busybody doctor comes up with other (ugh!) beverages hurting us plenty, they've started some drivel about coffee overstimulating people — making a trend called "cutting down." So now everyone's cutting them nervous, short-tempered, pugnacious, etc. So WHAT! down, leading our whole farshimmelt business to disaster! Do you want to be a lily-livered Milktoast who lets others walk all over him, who gets jostled in a crowd and just JOIN THE CRUSADE FOR STRONGER COFFEE (AND STRONGER PROFITS) smiles and lets it go at that? Or do you want to be a red- Write today for your free complete Frightened Coffee Growers' Kit. blooded Pan-American type boy who creams the slob for It contains a membership certificate, pamphlets that tell the whole miserable story of how the Pan-American coffee growers are losing getting in your way? Well, if you want to be someone who their shirts, a full-color chart showing declining sales, an 8 x 10 doesn't take anything from anybody, then you've got to picture suitable for framing of starving plantation owners and their have nerve! And what's the best way to expose nerve . . . ? servants, and a recipe book on how to make coffee meals that include Coffee, of course! STRONG COFFEE! In fact, weak coffee coffee appetizers, coffee entrees, coffee desserts, and coffee tea. drinkers are more hateful than non-coffee drinkers. What with all the filthy medical scares, and competition from LEAGUE OF FRIGHTENED COFFEE GROWERS 1 NUMBER 56 JULY 1960 VITAL FEATURES
MADISON AVE'S POLITICAL ADS 4 Comes election time, and Madison Ave. Ad Agencies start selling candidates like they sell detergent, by giving us the of soap. "Invariably, the contents of a will are a dead giveaway!" Alfred E. Neuman MODERN OLYMPIC GAMES 10 Why limit Olympic Games PUBLISHER: William M. Gaines EDITOR: Albert B. Feldstein to top athletes when new events can be introduced where any clod in today's ART DIRECTOR: John Putnam IDEAS: Jerry De Fuccio society can easily compete. PRODUCTION: Leonard Brenner LAWSUITS: Martin Scheiman, Esq. INCOME TAX EVASION: Sidney Gwirtzman, C.P.A. SUBSCRIPTIONS: Gloria Orlando, Celia Morelli HOW PUBLICITY WORKS 19 CONTRIBUTING ARTISTS AND WRITERS: MAD shows how a publicity The Usual Gang of Idiots man gets his client's name into print by trickery and deceit ... one way being to DEPARTMENTS write this article for us. BERG'S-EYE VIEW DEPARTMENT Patty Play Dolls 36 THE GARBAGE EXPLOSION 22 BILKING IT DRY DEPARTMENT How Publicity Works 19 A serious problem faced by CHEW'S WHO DEPARTMENT an expanding population is MAD Bubble Gum Cards 14 the growing production of CLUMSY CATEGORY DEPARTMENT garbage. This MAD article MAD's TV "Alfie" Awards 39 only adds to that problem. DON MARTIN DEPARTMENT "The Chiropractor" 13 "The Good Woman In Africa" 18 THE MAD 'COMIC" OPERA 25 "The Tourist and the Italian Urchins" 42 "Li'l Abner's" success as "The Chase" 48 a musical and a movie may FIVE-RING CIRCUS DEPARTMENT inspire other adaptations MAD's Modern Olympic Games 10 of famous comic strips, so HOKE-FILLED ROOM DEPARTMENT MAD kills the whole idea. Madison Avenue's Political Ad Campaigns 4 HOLLYWOOD DEPARTMENT More "Scenes We'd Like To See' 31 HONEST ADS 32 LETTERS DEPARTMENT ^K 7MA/1 MAD foresees the great day Random Samplings of Reader Mail 2 N~^ when all advertising will LITTER-LY SPEAKING DEPARTMENT \ J$P' De nonest' anc' a" ad-men The Garbage Explosion 22 L <^4 W'H nave to do an honest MARGINAL MARVIN DEPARTMENT «1 %JmS: day's work—for a change. More "MAD VOX" * * SONG OF INDIA INK DEPARTMENT The MAD "Comic" Opera 26 MAD'S TV "ALFIE" AWARDS 39 THE MAN IN COMMAND DEPARTMENT Each year, the television U.S. Army Chicken Officer's Manual 43 industry presents "Emmys" THE TRUTH BLURTS DEPARTMENT for "best" in a series of Honest Ads 32 ridiculous categories, so MAD adds some of its own. *'Various Places Around The Magazine
ARMY OFFICER'S FIELD GUIDE 43 MAD — July 1960, Volume 1, Number 56, is published monthly except February, May, MAD uncovers a top-secret August and November, by E.C. Publications, Inc., at 225 Lafayette Street, New York 12, New York. Second Class Postage paid at New York, N. Y. Subscriptions, 9 issues for S2.00 army field manual for its in the U.S. Elsewhere, $2.50. Entire contents copyright 1960 by E.C. Publications, Inc. The Publisher and Editors will not be responsible for unsolicited manuscripts a"nd request all new officers, which gives manuscripts be accompanied by a stamped, self-addressed return envelope. The names of basic training in the art characters used in all MAD fiction and semi-fiction are fictitious. A similarity without satiric purpose to a living person is a coincidence. Printed in U.S.A. of being really "chicken". Hi! Marginal Marvin attain, with another session of "MAD Y'OX," the game that makes any clod into a gag cartoonist as long as he can make an "O" and an "X!" START YOUR OWN MAD BUST LETTERS DEPT. HALL OF FAME My MAD Bust arrived today, and now it stands next to my bust of George (Mainly, Famous Idiots) Washington and my bust of Abraham Lincoln. My mother thinks I'm a nut. with a What can I tell her? Sam Wohl BISQUE CHINA REPLICA OF Coral Gables, Fla. Tell her she's absolutely right!—Ed.
ALFRED E. NEUMAN I was so crazy about my "Alfie" bust, ALFRED FOR PRESIDENT I used it as a centerpiece in my tropical fish tank as your ad suggested. After the How come all the "Alfred E. Neuman bust was in the tank a few hours, all the For President" signs all over your mag? fish jumped out. Do you think Alfred Mike Cunningham E. Neuman makes fish sick? Garden City, N.Y. Gary Wolfersberger Abington, Pa. President of what?? John D. Rogers La Verne, Calif. Why not? He makes people sick!—Ed. PONTIAC SPECIAL SHUNNED I recently, hung a picture of Alfred E. Neuman, your "What—Me Worry?" kid, in my room. I also have a stack of MAD Magazines scattered around. Ever since I hung the picture and scattered the magazines, everyone seems to be afraid to come into my room. Can you explain? Robert E. Raymond Port Washington, N.Y.
Have you taken a bath lately?—Ed.
NOTE OF THANKS use coupon or duplicate • MAD BUST Thanks for a solid 48 pages of the funniest magazine I've ever read. 225 LAFAYETTE STREET Gardner McKay NEW YORK 12, NEW YORK Beverly Hills, Calif. For those of you who were lucky enough to miss the Pontiac "TV Special", Four I want to start my own "Hall of Famous Idiots", Thanks for a solid 39 weeks of the fun For Tonight, featuring MAD, here is a so rush my bust(s) of Alfred E. Neuman. Then, niest TV show we've ever watched. (See scene from the show—Tony Randall in an pg.41)-Ed. adaptation of Don Martin's famous "Hair I can add a bust of me . . . for being idiot Tonic Commercial".—Ed. enough to fall for this ad in the first place. PUT TOGETHER WELL SECRET OF SURVIVAL? I ENCLOSE $ FOR: INDICATE I always felt foolish reading MAD in AMOUNT AND public until the day I saw my Social We are presently discussing advertis • 5V4" Bust(s) at $2.00 each NUMBER OF Studies teacher reading a copy. He told ing and its importance to newspapers ] 33A" Bust(s) at $1.00 each BUSTS me that he thought the magazine was and magazines in my Journalism class, put together well, and that the staff must and this brought up the question: How NAME. be comprised of some very smart men. does MAD survive, since it has no paid "Linda Fertig advertising? ADDRESS. Great Neck, N.Y. Joyce Aldrich How smart do you have to be to use a Pleasant Hill, Calif. CITY .ZONE. .STATE. stapler?—Ed. Beats us!—Ed. HERE'S A SELF-ADHESIVE "DAY-GLO" BUMPER STICKER CAMPAIGN FDR THE WHAT j*fek ALFRED E. NEUMAN YOU 9J%~-} PRESIDENT
GET: A 2-C0L0R CAMPAIGN H.Q. With An AND ALL DOOR SIGN ALFRED E. NEUMAN FOR ONLY Alfred E. Neuman PRESIDENT FOR PRESIDENT" Kit $1 ooi CAMPAIGN HEADQUARTERS All you have to do to play "MAD Y'OX" is: Think of a gag situation, then illustrate it with "O's" and "X's". . . like these . . . HAPPY SUBSCRIBER MAD Y'OX
Gee, I'm glad I have a two-year sub My roommate and I wish to express scription to your magazine—because it our unqualified approval of MAD. I am expires soon! presently spreading the "MAD Y'OX" A LITTLE Bob Rothstein game through the dorm. Here's a sample Forty Fort, Pa. of my fiendish originality. Robert Higgins KNOWLEDGE COLLEGE READING Cambridge, Mass. I am a college freshman who has The sample of Bob's fiendish originality ISA been reading MAD ever since the "I appears on page 48.—Ed. had one grunch but the eggplant over DANGEROUS there" days—some four years ago. Per LYLE BETTGER haps that is why I never became a sopho more. I'm putting my statue of Alfred right THING! next to my statue of Lyle Bettger. Joe Szymanski Ives J. McCoy Villanova Univ., Pa. Laredo AFB, Texas SUBSCRIBE TO GLARING ERROR While glancing through the special We are MAD about the clod who is "April Fool" issue, I noticed a glaring responsible for touting Lyle Bettger all error: mainly, the magazine was funny over the April Fool issue of MAD. Lyle has been our favorite since way back. ... and play it safe! for a change! Why your sudden interest in him? Alan Silverman Edna M. Thompson Jersey City, N.J. World Federation of IT'S A BET! Lyle Bettger Fan Clubs Philadelphia, Pa. Ten-to-one this letter never gets be yond the Editor's desk. Ronny Perlman MAD SUBSCRIPTIONS Greenwich, Conn. 225 LAFAYETTE ST. NEW YORK CITY 12, N. Y. You lose! It did get beyond the desk . . . 1 enclose $2.00. Please add my name right into the waste-paper basket!—Ed. to your subscription list, and send me the next 9 issues. Incidentally, CHEMICAL REACTION MAD is great for passing the time between exams . . . mainly, the time The other day, I brought my copy of MAD into Chemistry class, where we between flunking the first one . . . were doing an experiment with mag and taking it again the next year! nesium sulfide and nitric acid. Acci dentally, I knocked over the beaker of acid on my copy of MAD. Speaking of mutilation ... the nitric acid flowed over NAME. the magazine, then turned to water and evaporated! ADDRESS- Terry Bird Murfreesboro, Tenn. CITY .ZONE. .STATE.
That's because MAD is so base!—Ed. Lyle Bettger PUT A LITTLE FUN IN YOUR LIFE! COOL READING Lyle Bettger is one of those actors whose face everybody knows, but whose' name Try dancing! Because it's cheaper I specifically got on this shipment to than wasting 25tf on a full-color Thule, Greenland, to get away from nobody knows, so we figured it was about time the face and name got together.—Ed. picture of our "What—Me Worry?" your crummy magazine, and I can't take- kid, Alfie. However, if you're the it any longer! The Eskimos are reading wallflower type, send two-bits to: your stuff, too! Please address all correspondence to: MAD Dept. "What-Color?", c/o MAD, A/3c Terry L. Reed Dept. 56, Room 706, 225 Lafayette Street 225 Lafayette St.. New York 12, N. Y. Thule, Greenland New York 12, New York
A 17"x22" 2-C0L0R A 2>/2" FULL-COLOR A RED-AND-WHITE MAD CAMPAIGN EIT CAMPAIGN POSTER CAMPAIGN BUTTON CAMPAIGN 225 Lafayette Street CAP New York City 12, N.Y. I think running Alfie for President is a great ide», even though some people think running him out of the country is a better idea. I enclose $1.00 each. Send me "Alfred E. Neuman for President" kit(s). NAME
ADDRESS.
CITY .ZONE. THE MAO CANDIDATE STATE. "What-Me Worry?" HOKE-FILLED ROOM DEPT. During the last Presidential election, the major political parties enlisted the aid of large advertising agencies to assist in their campaigns. The charge has since been made (by the losing candidates, we assume) that Madison Avenue sold candidates the way they sell
THE DEMOCRATS MIGHT ADVERTISE THEMSELVES AS FOLLOWS:
THE STONING OF RICHARD NIXON-one of a series ni paintings, "The Miserable History of the Republican Party in Pictures," commissioned by the Democratic Parly Great Moments in Politics
The practice of "Politician-Stoning" — politics as practiced in South America, regarded by many as a recent phenomenon, and politics as practiced in the U. S. A. actually dates back many years. It was a "Great Moment in Politics" for us when We know how those people felt, because this age old practice was revived during we've often felt the same way about Mr. the Vice-President's visit to Venezuela. Nixon. But the best we can do, because we're supposed to be civilized, is call Actually, as a Political Party, we decry him names like "Tricky Dickie" and let violence of any kind. The only attacks it go at that. Because the Democratic we condone are those made in the heat of Party has resolved to bring you cleaner campaign oratory. That's why the stoning campaigns, and, when we are elected, a was a "Great Moment." Because it served cleaner government by providing America to demonstrate the differences between with today's better politicians.
THE. DEMOCRATIC PARTY pioneers in better politicians
ARTIST: GEORGE WOODBRIDGE soap or cigarettes. With the 1960 Presidential election coming up, "Gee! I wonder s r why they keep we at MAD figure advertising agencies will take an even larger missing our net?' part, continuing to sell candidates like soap or cigarettes . . . only V*' more so! In fact, we foresee something pretty much like this in . . . AVEMUE'S
THE REPUBLICANS MIGHT SLAM THE DEMOCRATS AS FOLLOWS:
You know what they always *YEAH(SIGH)lFYOU say... VOTE DEMOCRATIC !"
... Relief is just f--^. a ballot away
with the
This fellow carries the mailemoc. His job sometimes makes him tiredr. But you can bet he'll be even more tired if the Democratic Party H gets elected, because his mail-bag will be loaded with all those CURSE THEM Relief Checks the Democrats are always handing out. Let's face it, friends, the Democrats are for "The Welfare State," and that RELIEF-GIVIN' means more Welfare checks! So if you want full employment, lower taxes, continued prosperity (and to help your friendly mailman), DEMOCRATS!" vote REPUBLICAN. Because if you're thinking about voting for the Democrats come election day, "Relief is just a ballot away!"
NIXON FOR PRESIDENT N A Product of The Republican Party
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In a world generally prone to discard the outmoded, After all, how much of a demand is there for discus we can't figure out how the Olympic Games have hurlers, shot putters, and javelin throwers these survived virtually unchanged since ancient times. days? Why not modernize the Olympic events so that 8:14 COMMUTER HOP, STEP AND JUMP Open to amateur commuters of the world. Contestants arrive at suburban station at 8:14. Object is to catch commuter train which left at 8:13. 2 points for catching train, and 1 point for getting close enough to throw briefcase aboard. DO-IT-YOURSELF DECATHALON Amateur Handymen throughout the world compete in ten different "do-it-yourself" projects. Object is to hold down medical payments for injuries to not more than five times the cost of having same ten projects done by competent professionals. 10 the long hours of training won't be wasted in later ARTIST: MORT DRUCKER life? For greater excitement, plus practicality, WRITER: TOM KOCH "Calcutta? How long you think they'll here is a run-down of events we propose for. . . Keep us in this hole?" (MLYMIHI NEWSPAPER HURLING Open to paper boys of all nations. Each, contestant hurls ten papers at a porch from a distance of 20 yards. Winner is decided on basis of 2 points for landing paper in puddle, 1 point for sailing it in shrubbery, minus-1 for hitting porch. TV SANDWICH MARATHON Open to qualified television viewers of all nations. Competitors vie in race to see which one can make most complicated sandwich, dashing from living room TV set to kitchen and back to living room, all in space of a one-minute commercial. 100 METER PICNIC LUNCH DASH Object is to prevent picnic lunch from being ruined when cloudburst begins. All contestants must run 100 meters to car, carrying baskets, only to discover keys are locked inside. The winner is chosen for both ingenuity and colorful language. „• • • auinsajd i OX 'J3A|!S uijof 3uon„ DEPOSIT BOTTLE MARATHON Open to husbands of all nations who live at least 3 blocks from a grocery store. Object is to carry as many empty bottles as possible without breaking any. Those contestants who abandon them in an alley, pretending that they aren't theirs, lose. HORN HONKING Competitors vie to see who is quickest to blow horn at car ahead once stoplight turns green. World record (.003 sec) set by late Waldo Furd of U.S.A. Mr. Furd succumbed to head blows administered by cab driver shortly after setting record. BUFFERIN ASSIMILATING Open to athletes of all countries with perfected stomach trap doors (amateurs only). Object is to assimilate Bufferin into bloodstream faster than Aspirin or Anacin. Contest void if anybody loses a headache and develops an upset stomach. WRONG NUMBER DIALING Open to phoners to see who can dial most wrong numbers. Event run off at 4 A.M. 3 points awarded for reaching home with colicky baby, 2 for reaching home with dog who barks at ringing phones, and 1 for awakening doctor who just got to bed. 12 DON MARTIN DEPT. PART I Don Martin starts off his festivities this issue by telling us about the time he pulled a big boner . . . mainly the time he visited THE ' CHEW'S WHO DEPT. With so many industries and professions bemoaning the fact that new, young replacements are not coming along fast enough, MAD wonders why them trading cards, collected by kids, continue to glamorize Big League Baseball, Motion Pictures, and similar industries that are already overcrowded. And so, to get the kids interested in more profitable and productive occupations early in life, here are some samplings of our new line of... FAMOUS No* Famous Physician #18 FAMOUS PHYSICIANS 18 Or. Boris "All Thumbs" Acid PHYSICIANS Signed up by Angel of" Mercy Hospital, Knoxviile, Montana, 1947. Performed first $400 appendectomy, 1949. Tried out as Brain Surgeon, 1950, and failed. Beat five malpractice suits in one season, 1954. Currently first-string Gall Bladder man at Cedars of Bev erly Hills Hospital, Lebanon, Va. 14 "Sam, here, has been v/ V/"V MAD going to Vic Tanny's!" X AW mmARTIST: JOE ORLAND O WRITERGU: TOM KOCMH cflRw Big League Accounting Star #38 WORLD'S GREAT World's Great Teacher #22 TEACHERS Clyde "Unbalanced" Reeber Rosemary "Battleaxe" Winecoop Set all-time record in 1955, juggling Now in her 52nd year as fourth grade five sets of books for Potrzebie Truck teacher at P. S. 86, Indianapolis, Mo. ing Company, which was a front for a Holds lifetime record for teaching Hot Car Ring, which was a front for a young clods to sing "America the Beau Syndicate of Hired Killers, which was tiful": 3,127. Boasts .317 lifetime a front for a Neighborhood Mah Jongg average for bringing cry of pain by Club. Signed for 20 seasons at Sing swatting knuckles with rulers. Voted Sing. Elected to "Crooked Accounting "Most Sullen Playground Monitor", in Hall of Fame," 1958. 1928, 1929, 1933, 1937, 1952 and '53. IB^l ill * 1 1 Lfit* » A MAD Bubble Cum Card CHEW THE CARD—SAVE THE CUM Famous Physician #51 WORLD'S GREAT World's Great Teacher #35 TEACHERS Dr. Herman Witheringpuss Walter "Botchy" Smitner First doctor in medical history to Elected as "Most Popular Teacher" by specialize in TV Commercials. Hit big students of North Fork, Iowa, High time by becoming one of five leading School, 1955, after chemistry experi New York doctors to recommend Carter's ment he was performing blew up North Little Liver Pills, 1951. Acquainted Fork, Iowa, High School. Also well- public with discovery of little trap loved by pupils for neglecting to take door in stomach, 1955. Pointed out attendance 126 consecutive days, and how concentrated stomach acid can forgetting to give final exams for 14 burn a hole in a napkin to 32,000,000 consecutive semesters. viewers, 1959. Now playing with Con gressional Committee Investigating Fraudulent Television Advertising. aJKS \-9 . C-^%WL1-V. J^ ^^T^^^'^^T i \ • a y so M No Outstanding Tree Surgeon #7 No> OUTSTANDING ' OUTSTANDING TREE SURGEONS 7 Carlyle F. Burnlash TREE SURGEONS 19 First Tree Surgeon to discover that Pepsi-Cola, injected into roots of young saplings, would prevent Chestnut Blight and produce young, fair and de bonair bark. Believed to be the only Tree Surgeon in U. S. who refuses to make house calls. Author of standard reference work, "What To Do Until The Tent Caterpillars Come". WAY GUM Glamorous Stockbroker #6 GLAMOROUS GLAMOROUS No. STOCKBROKERS 29 STOCKBROKERS Merrill Lynch Piercefenner With his wife as dummy Board Member, set up fraudulent Brokerage Firm of Merrill Lynch Piercefenner and Gladys, 1950. Sold 500,000 shares of Pierce- O Arrow Auto stock, 1951, after spread ing rumor that company had merely shut down for re-tooling in 1935. Went bank rupt in 1957, purchasing 450,000 shares of Pierce-Arrow Auto stock, after for getting who started the rumor. No. Fantastic Scientist #4 No FANTASTIC FANTASTIC ' SCIENTISTS 4 SCIENTISTS 37 Dr. Neville Sternbrush Won fame for being the world's first scientist to apply discoveries in Ad vanced Physics to problems "in every day life. Disintegrated his landlord, 1948. Put his wife into orbit, 1951. Planted his mother-in-law on dark side of moon, 1955. Dr. Sternbrush disappeared completely in 1957. Outstanding Tree Surgeon #19 Notorious Auto Mechanic #33 NOTORIOUS Enoch Saltzpritcher AUTO MECHANICS Rudy "The Padder" Gougewell Only Tree Surgeon east of the Missis Often called the "Noah Webster" of sippi to be charged with Malpractice. the Auto Repair industry for inventing Set up notorious Saltzspritcher Clinic, technical terms that put all repair in 1947, claiming to cure Dutch Elm discussions beyond the grasp of lay disease with electric box emitting men. Became first mechanic to bill a thought waves. Conducted experiments customer for Resetting Gummage, 1946. aimed at curing depression among Weep Popularized 1,000-mile Ampere Check- ing Willows through psychoanalysis, Up and Replacement, 1949. Advocated 1952. Deported to Black Forest, in Annual Rotation of Drive Shaft Nilds, Germany, season of 1952. 1954. Retired as millionaire, 1957 Glamorous Stockbroker #29 Notorious Auto Mechanic #41 NOTORIOUS Getyer "Cotten Picken'" Hanzoff AUTO MECHANICS Omar "Sparky" Wintermutt Made $3,000,000 in 1949 by corner First Auto Mechanic in history to in ing Cotton Market. Lost $3,000,000 vent method for tuning an engine so in 1950 after worst boll weevil epi badly that the damage could only be un demic in 40 years. Recouped fortune done by a $400 Complete Overhaul. In in 1951 by discovering how to make vented Indelible Grease for wiping on Automobile Tires out of boll weevils. steering wheels, 1951. Developed fool Lost fortune in 1952, after special proof method for replacing spark plugs izing in manufacturing tires for ex with very same spark plugs, 1952. Elec pected Pierce-Arrow Autos. ted to "Disreputable Auto Mechanics Hall of Fame", 1953. Fantastic Scientist #37 Hotshot Politician #79 Seymour "Microfilm" Verblanger John Ward Heeler, Jr. Became the nation's first millionaire Became first politician in 100 years scientist by stealing American Atomic to take novel approach to campaigning, Secrets and selling them to Russia, by coming out: against Motherhood, in and while doing so, stealing Russian 1929; against Home and Family, 1933; Atomic Secrets and selling them to against The Flag, 1938; against Our the Americans. Now playing in Latin Boys in Uniform, 1942; against Lower America, selling Nicaraguan Atomic Taxes, 1950. Also became first poli Secrets to Costa Rica and Guatemalan tician of modern times to complete en Atomic Secrets to El Salvador, which tire career without ever being nomi is a pretty neat trick, since Nica nated for anything. ragua and Guatemala don't have any Atomic Secrets to begin with. DON MARTIN DEPT. PART II Don Martin recalls the time he belonged to a savage tribe under the influence of BILKING IT DRY DEPT. One hundred years ago, there was no such thing as a Publicity Man. Today, however, nobody who is anybody can afford to be without one. That goes for stars of stage, screen and television — and especially Presidential candidates in this election year. It's the Publicity Man's job to get his client's name before the public as much as he possibly can. Here, then, is an article which clearly shows you . . . CO "We're from Siam, and we've HOW got a great Sister Act!" PUBLICITY WORKS One night, Sen. Ardsley T. Stonehenge Unfortunately, Sen. Stonehenge turns And the Presidential candidate lands turns over fitfully in his sleep . . . over too far and falls out of bed ... on the floor, sustaining a hangnail! IF THE PUBLICITY MAN IS ANY GOOD, HE'LL GET THE FOLLOWING STORY INTO THE NEWSPAPERS... right thumb last night after falling out of bed in his sleep. SENATOR INJURED Stonehenge, an avowed Presi dential candidate, said today IN FALL FROM BED that he put out his hand to break his fall which resulted in Presidential Candidate the hangnail. The injury was treated early Stonehenge Sustains this morning by Stonehenge's physician. The Senator reveal Hangnail of Right Thumb ed that he has suffered from hangnail conditions for more By Jacob Franks than 20 years. According to a Special to The New York Times medical report issued by the 5* WASHINGTON, June 4- Senator's office, his latest hang Senator Ardsley T. Stonehenge nail will be bandaged for at Sen. Stonehenge after fall. sustained a hangnail of "his least two weeks. BUT A PUBLICITY MAN WHO IS REALLY GOOD WONT STOP HERE ARTIST: BOB CLARKE WRITER: FRANK JACOBS 19 A REALLY GOOD PUBLICITY MAN CAN THE CARPET WORKERS GAZETTE Senator Owes Life To Carpet Workers "I owe my life to the skilled workers who made i my bedroom carpet!" Presidential candidate Ardsley T. Stonehenge stated immediately after STONEHENGE MISHAP IMPROVES HIS GAME his accident early this month. The Senator, who The recent hangnail condition sustained by sustained a hangnail of his right thumb when Presidential candidate Ardsley T. Stonehenge he fell out of bed, landed on his Mohack Wall- in his recent accident has actually improved his to-Wall, Sink-In, Multi-Lint Bedroom Carpet. golf game. "I'm sure that the resiliency of this finely-made' "Since the injury", states Senator Stone carpet minimized my injuries," he added. henge, "I've developed a new grip which has cut An ardent champion of carpeting, Stone half a dozen strokes off my game." The Senator has been playing golf ever since henge recently had his entire house recovered. he announced his decision to run for the Presi Every carpet is colored red, white and blue, and dency. He now shoots in the low 80's (on the features a replica of the U. S. Presidential Seal front nine). woven into the center. irCCESSFUL FAR MING MODERN WMEDICINE Keeping Up The Practice SEN. STONEHENGE A "FARMER AT HEART" News Notes from the Medical World Presidential Candidate Ardsley STONEHENGE BACKS T. Stonehenge revealed that he fell out of bed last month at 4 A.M., HANGNAIL RESEARCH which happens to be his normal Presidential candidate Ardsley T. waking hour. "I believe in a man getting up Stonehenge, a recent hangnail vic early so that he can put in a full tim, has called for more research day's work," the Senator said. "The into the dreaded disease. American Farmer gets up at about "I intend," stated Senator Stone this time, and if it's good enough for him, it's good enough for me. I henge, "to do all I can to encourage guess I'm really a farmer at heart." every American to see his doctor The Senator added that he al and get an annual cuticle check up! ways keeps a copy of the Farmers Doctors must be aided in their fight Almanac beneath his pillow. SENATORSTONEHENGE against this crippler!" SCIENTIFIC XX, "The following three men have been dropped from AMERICAN the Basketball Team . . ." STONEHENGE EXPRESSES INTEREST IN SCIENCE When Presidential candidate Ardsley T. Stonehenge fell out of bed Senator Ardsley Stonehenge last month, he calculated that it took him .091 seconds to hit the floor. The Senator asserted that it is "I arrived at this figure," said the Senator, "by using the Law of only a matter of time before hang Falling Bodies, which states that a body falls 16.08 feet, or 192.96 nail joins the defeated ranks of inches, during the first second of fall. I found that my bed measures polio, tuberculosis, halitosis, heart 21 inches from the floor. So I divided 21 into 192.96, and computed burn, and other formerly incurable that it took exactly .0918857142 seconds for my body to fall to the floor. ailments. "I've always had a flair for science," he added; "and I believe that "And we'll do it the American U. S. scientists should be honored for the valuable contributions they way," he added. "Without Social are making to American Industry, National Defense, and the never- ized Medicine!" ending battle against PerspirationI" 20 MILK A STORY FOR ALL IT'S WORTH! ELECTRICAL WORKERS WORLD SEN. STONEHENGE SALUTES ELECTRICAL WORKERS Stye ^orHng^WeitiSs^ The rank and file of the Electrical lamp, a toaster, another lamp, and a set Products Industry were saluted by Presi of door chimes which play "Hail To The dential candidate Ardsley T. Stonehenge Chief"! recently. The Senator revealed that his Stonehenge Revealed electric blanket continued to operate o k ' after he fell out of bed earlier this As "Switch-Hurler" month. "The blanket plug stayed right in its Presidential candidate Ardsley socket," he stated, "even though I gave 0& T. Stonehenge's recent injury to it quite a tug when I took my tumble. f his right hand will not prevent America should be proud of the skill and /. ^ i him from throwing out the first devotion of its Electrical Workers who ball of the Baseball Season, should turn out products we can depend on!" he be nominated and elected, it Senator Stonehenge further dis was disclosed today. closed that his home is fully electrified, including such appliances as a radio, a Senator Stonehenge is ambidextrous, Sen. Stonehenge and would be the first switch-hurler ever to occupy the White House. According to reports, the Senator was a top-flight athlete in Junior High School, starring on several teams in cluding the Chess Team, the Debating THE inSIIRMICE SHLESHlEn S mOHTHlV Team and the Girl's.Field Hockey Team. "They've got me covered!" Quips Senator The Insurance Salesmen of America received a well-deserved ®3 pat on the back this month from *v.y*. Presidential candidate Ardsley T. ; Stonehenge after he fell out of bed ,^T. ^ and injured his right thumbnail. "I was pleased to learn that I l was fully covered by my policy," ^€* stated Senator Stonehenge. "I owe a debt of gratitude to America's Insurance Salesmen, who are al ways in there pitching for the ben 7 efit of their clients." Senator Stonehenge, whose right *ms£^ hand is vital to his upcoming pos sible Presidential campaign tour Sen. Stonehenge shows extent of his coverage. ^x (since it means shaking hands with thousands of people), is covered for burns, sprains, fractures, con cussions and seven-year itch, as well as for hangnail injuries to this Kv; vital and important appendage. Senator Ardsley T. Stonehenge 'WRJETY :(»): IMS Hip Sen Nixes )>>' Stonehenge Hangnail Awarded to Collector Hangnail Spec The hangnail of Presidential candidate Ardsley T. Stonehenge Presidential hopeful Ardsley T. Stonehenge has nixed plans for an has been acquired by America's leading collector. upcoming TV spectacular based Mrs. Grade Beauregard Fink, of Weevil Bowl, Alabama, was on his now-famous hangnail opus. given the now-famous hangnail by the Senator, who has always "Much as I'm like a firm sup been an advocate of hobbyists and collectors. porter of stage, screen, radio and t television, I feel that it would be "Hobbies such as collecting hangnails build strength of charac most improper for a Presidential ter", stated Senator Stonehenge, "and it's characters like Mrs. Fink candidate to permit these plans to who make our country strong!" materialize," stated the Senator. "The Stonehenge hangnail", announced Mrs. Fink, "will be "Such a show could well be con strued as a publicity gimmick, and mounted, framed, and displayed alongside of my most prized hang the American people know how I nail, that of the great film star Vera Hruba Ralston, whoever she is!" feel about publicity gimmicks. Like they're a drag, Man!" 21 LITTER-LY SPEAKING DEPT. Anyone who has ever tried riding the subway during the rush hour, or standing in line at the Unemployment Insurance Office knows that the country's population is increasing. In fact, all over the world, people are being born who've never been born before! This rapid expansion of the world's inhabitants is known as THE POPULATION EXPLOSION and it's causing scientists plenty of worries, too! The big problem, the way they see it, is: How are we gonna feed and house all these new people? Well, it is a problem! But the way we see it, that's not the important problem! The whole thing is a lot more serious than where to put everybody! The way we see it, the problem isn't the population explosion, but where it will lead, mainly WRITER: SY REIT ARTIST: BOB CLARKE GARBAGE |i THESE CRITICAL NEW TRASH AREAS USED RAZOR BLADES CHRISTMAS WRAPPINGS i Today, almost every home in America suffers from dreaded Modern social customs, plus clever advertising appealing affliction known as "razor blade" glut. According to the to guilt and insecurity complexes, has caused fantastic experts, this problem will continue to grow in years to increase in volume of Christmas wrappings. Average gift come as millions of teenage boys reach shaving age, and today contains 18 pounds of wrapping paper, scotch tape, will reach horrifying proportions everywhere but in Cuba. tinsel, ribbon, bows, "from-tags", "to-tags", and tag-tags. MAD FIRMLY BELIEVES THAT ALL EFFORTS TO BURN, BURY OR DUMP THE 22 FUTURE WORLD'S GARBAGE OUTPUT ARE DOOMED TO MISERABLE FAILURE! Symbolic chart showing total world Similar chart showing world output Chart showing world's trash predicted output of trash during year 1930. of trash for the present year I960. for 1990 at the present R R R* 'Rate of Rubbish Rise Scientists agree that food waste and kitchen by-products below, shows trash tonnage disposed of during past fifty are a major source of today's garbage production. Graph, years in six of the world's essential food categories . . . PRESENT PROBLEMS FOR THE FUTURE EMPTY PRESSURE CANS SURPLUS WIRE HANGERS Success of TV commercials has led to increase in use of Excessive supply of wire hangers brought in with the dry pressure can products, resulting in sudden rise in number cleaning presents most serious problem of all because of of empty pressure cans. Emergency plan calls for use of difficulty in getting rid of them. As closets gradually Grand Canyon as dumping ground. However, at present rate fill, hangers will overflow into living space, then into of national squirting, Canyon will be filled (up) by 1975. streets, causing traffic jams, work stoppages, and famine. SHOOT GARBAGE 1» INTO OUTER SPACE With only slight changes in design, our present IGBM missiles can be converted, renamed EGGH missiles, and used to put Earth's future trash into outer space, the one place left where there's enough dumping room. In time, Earth will take on appearance of Saturn, with gigantic ring of garbage in orbit around it. However, speed in adopting the plan is most essential. Experts report that, within ten years, world's garbage dumps will completely overrun areas now being used as missile-launching sites. SONG OF INDIA INK DEPT. Recently, some smart producer got the bright idea to make a musical out of "Li'l Abner!", and it turned out to be a resounding success both on Broadway, and as a Hollywood movie. The way we look at it, this will probably start a whole rash of musicals based on comic strips, like "Kerry Get Your Gun", "Call Me Sluggo" and "The Little King and I". So, to nip this nauseating trend in the bud, here is our version of a comic strip musical to end all comic strip musicals . . . mainly . . . The Mad'Comic''Opera ACT 1, SCENE 1: THE OFFICE OF DICK TRACY Gee, Mr. Tracy! It's I hope I can •'St* * Oh, it's a long, hard grind J^jyjfif Though my fans adore me, great to be a cop, You'll find a move up as ,4j| From cop to detective! Bf $»1 i^ife, And I've won great fame, and serve under you! cop's life is fast as you But it's longer still Still, I'm sorry to say, - SSJS5*SMW7 to the tune oj "September Song' I * r* ...S mood,. WRITER: FRANK JACOBS ARTIST: WALLACE WOOD Ifefo 1 know 1 \ * The girl that 1 marry will have o be SPSS A bone of white ivory will grace her nose! exactly ffig E As light on her feet as a chimpan ee! ^fc| She'll spring like a panther whe 11 propose! what I'mj The girl with whom I'll romp fi p§p 'Stead of sighin', looking 1 3 Will swing through the jungle £CL^ H She'll becryin' for ... K | And smell like a swamp! ^«*jS|f i With the roar of a half-crazy lion 5QEJ£5» Athletic and hairy a£' | The girl that 1 marry must be! A MS&i PgW1 III! ^ \ R. \ 'id L"'": W*' aaflaaS T"" "* .^txf aW ami > ^PM •"•'"" lip / j^T'M. RjnaaaBi ^sSr*'•^JjfSyM*Sutt 4 (o f/?e tune oj" 7he Qirl JbatlTAarry" \ | v- tZzAm&L • ^^'•fL , J ACT 1, SCENE 2: DUGAN'S BAR ACT 1, SCENE 3; IN A PLANE, 18,000 FEET UP If I'd thought a bit To the end of it, I fi£{L>£ When I saw the plane ^' was unsound! 'd have been aware Once we'd reach the air ACT 2, SCENE 1: PENNY'S HOUSE, 18,000 FEET BELOW Pore chile's all I'm all right! tuckered out! Ye It's just that ailin', honey? I wish Dick Tracy were here! Gosh, I miss him! * Tra-cy! How I miss ya! How I miss ya! mm My dear Dick Tracy! k I'd give the world to say ft That you were here with A- N-N-I-Even know that ffl San-dy's u^' Workin' for ya, barkin' for ya! _ He'll find me, Tracy! p A happy girl I never will be Till Tracy comes an' rescues me! *Sung to the tune of'Swanee' L Like frinstance, Abbie and'H 1 W *^v! We've heard that Gumps without Some say the Three Little Pigs do it T. it^r: d We know that Blondie and Da do it! Slats do it! A £jjsq| chins do it! £ When the Wolf's out of reach! - S^lfftK 8 Donald Duck and his three \% " 3 Frequently a Yokum and a brats do it! Scragg do it! Let's do it! Let's do it! Let's fall in love! Let's fall in love! \*Sung to the tune o\"£et'sT)olt'" mmemmsmm \S§2p| We're told that both Hans and I Prize pups like Pluto and j It's true that Kayo and Moon do it! I j They say that most folks on ut:r Fritz do it! ..{ Scamp do it! J^;Though well-mannered they ain't! Earth do it! Snazzy dames like Fritzi %JJ. Alley Oop and Pete the "Linus will soon do it! -£- £J I;Even certain friends of Maryj a Ritz do it! Tramp do it! Not to mention The Saint! Pl Worth do it! Let's do it! iLet's do it! fubrfl Let's do it! w Let's fall in love! Let's fall in love! iLet's fall in love! li <**B\ HOLLYWOOD DEPT. P*2*/aaes We'd like to«/«?% The Race Through The Jungle THE TRUTH BLURTS DEPT. Pressured by recent Congressional Investigations claims. Frankly, we think they'll fail miserably into abuses in TV advertising, Madison Avenue has in this attempt, because the only way they could promised to clean house, and attempt to eliminate succeed would be to go all the way! And then we any duplicity and dishonesty in their commercial would all be seeing these sickening examples of RadiHONESo Commercials T Before spinning our next request, Just listen to that liquid refreshment Mmm—good! You see, friends, on these I'd like to remind you about the as it cascades into a pre-chilled glass! warm summer days, the high calorie content "Hot Weather Special" your grocer of any beer only serves to make you is featuring this week on cool I should like to point out that what hotter and more thirsty . . . frosty Schweinhundt Beer. . . I'm pouring here is not beer, but delicious thirst-quenching ice water! WA TV Commercials Notice how hands are left rough, harsh, Now make the simple comparison test, and Yes, ladies . . . laboratory tests prove and red after just one dish-washing notice how SINK also leaves your hands that all detergents are harsh on your with an ordinary household detergent! in terrible shape . . . only more so! hands. And, naturally, some brands are bound to be harsher than others! Roadside Signs HER GUY'S WHISKERS Incidentally, you may want to introduce props into your "MAD VOX". . . like the 1&P following . . . which employ a square . . . Magazine Ads vM've been paid to say... I Like the New 1960 FOUR DOOR HARD TOP" -CONFESSES "SLAMMIN' SAMMY" ... so if you insist on going off on a masochistic kick this week-end, why not GETZOFF stock up on Schweinhundt? It's priced well below most premium beers, mainly Natn'l. U.S. Open because it's not nearly as good! Golf Caddy Champ So take a tip from the SINK comparison test! Next time you go shopping, do what smart housewives do! Look for the big red-and-blue box . . . because SINK comes in a little yellow-and-green one! "IF YOU DRIVE A CAR AS HARD AS I DO, HERE ARE SOME FACTS YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT THE NEW 1960 FIREBIRD: 1. The FIREBIRD makes no fantastic never even driven a 1960 FIREBIRD. economy claims. 8 miles a gallon is 3. You can own a FIREBIRD for as all you'll get with this baby, even little as $395 down and $97 a month with a stiff tail wind. In fact, a (for 36 months, after which all you 1960 FIREBIRD finished dead last in will owe is the small sum of $4,978 the recent Mobilgas Economy Run, in interest and net carrying charges). averaging a little better than 7.3 4. Driving over 20,000 miles a year mpg, with cheating. 2. FIREBIRD'S in all kinds of weather over all kinds patented finger-tip steering, float- of roads, my last five cars have all Yellow Page Listings o-matic drive, and feather-touch been FIREBIRDS. I'm trapped good, brakes were all given their fancy because no one but a FIREBIRD dealer 673 copyright names by an ad man who has will take my old car on a trade-in. TELEVISION REPAIR (CONT.) NANCY & BILL'S FIX-IT HEAVEN' SO IF YOU WANT TO ENJOY ROOMINESS, LOW 1325 N. Mz SNaver 7-0000 MAINTENANCE AND ECONOMY, GET A RAMBLER!" rNOT QUITE A-1 TV REPAIR: INADEQUATELY TRAINED TECHNICIANS 'NIGHT CALLS GENERALLY IGNORED The New I960 FIREBIRD "ZZZSr * INFERIOR PARTS USED EXCLUSIVELY •RIDICULOUSLY PADDED PRICES 1566 E. Cwznfsk ODmont 8-5999 PRICES START AT $3995 "We take your set, then we take you!" That is, the lilt price FOB Detroit. It doesn't include state and local taxes, freight charges (which are plenty) and normal cost-padding by unscrupulous dealers. It also NUFSKY'S TV & STALL SHOWER DOOR REPAIR doesn't include any optional equipment, without which, the car won't go. All told, the RFD 4, P0 Bx 367 YOkel 0-ring 2 I very cheapest stripped down model will run well over $5000 any way you look at it. ,jg Newspaper Ads STOREWIDE CLEARANCE SALE! no Men's White Broadcloth Shirts th< MINK-DYED i' Simulated S 9S MUSKRAT 4. EACH At least the manufacturer told us go they were broadcloth. However, he FUR also told us they were Sanforized, and we know that's a lie, because c COATS they've shrunk since they came in. in Our price is no bargain, either, kir Actually Field Mouse unless you're a hard-to-fit midget! W with a bad dye job. n Cheaper than Mink, but b still more expensive The unique part is that our buyer was the only one k than a lot better UNIQUE BUY in town idiot enough to s; stuff available else load up on these lemons! •UN-REINFORCED bii where. We originally KNEES AND ELBOWS col* planned on charging IN TOTS' •ASSORTED DIRT- $179.95 for them. CATCHING COLORS tior Buy several! One won't Now, because we're last even a lethargic kid th? hoping to make an SNOWSUITS through the winter! nc* even more ridiculous 95 a« profit, they're only *14. is QMS) c m NEUMANS pe DEPARTMENT STORE Junk Mail MUTUAL OF MUNCIE "Serving the Nation Since Early 1959" HOME OFFICE TELEPHONE Drawer "J" Ace Cafe General Delivery QX-8-0099 Muncie, Indiana Ask for Sam Dear Friend: — Congratulations on your recent decision not to return the prepaid post card we sent you some time back. This post card, as you may recall, ostensibly would have resulted in your receiving more informa tion about our Health & Accident Insur ance without cost or obligation to you. As you apparently had the good sense to realize, returning that post card would have placed you under plenty obliga tion. In fact, rather than free information, we would have sent out a high-pressure salesman who would have informed you that signing that card was a legal com mitment to buy a policy. We feel that you exhibited excellent judgment and insight in neglecting to take any action on our offer. Frankly, ours is a pretty shaky firm with a long record of disreputable dealings. Even at best, in these days of inflation, insurance is one of the worst invest ments you could make. Sincerely, Y. Otis Wuber President -dta. . Monthly Newsletters TELEPHONE TID-BITS PUBLISHED MONTHLY BY THE GREATER MUDVILLE TELEPHONE CO. VOL. 4 APRIL-MAY-JUNE 1960 NO. 2 YOUR PHONE BILL STILL INCLUDES 10% FEDERAL TAX! Yes, more than 14 years after the end of World War II, your phone bill remains your only utility expense on which you still pay a 10% "Wartime Emergency" tax. Your telephone company, in defense of your interests, is spending a great deal of money working for repeal of this inequita ble levy. You will note (by your bill) that we are attempting to recoup this ill- advised expense through an increased rate on your local calls beginning this month. We shall, of course, continue to fight against this 10% Federal tax. The way your phone company looks at it, repeal of the tax would result in such unbridled joy on your part that we would be able to slip through another good-sized general rate increase without you noticing it. Either way, it's coming out of your pocket, and we feel that it would be nicer for us to get the money rather than the govern ment. So please write your congressman urging repeal of this tax, since we find that public pressure is more economical for us than direct bribery. "Show me a man who knows how to spend a penny, waste a penny, give away a penny, and save a penny, and I'll show you a clod!"—Voltaire BERG'S-EYE VIEW DEPT. Today, the whole world is concerned with the "population explosion"! And what are the toy companies doing about it? They're making the situation worse by creating an "artificial population explosion"—namely by manufacturing and selling millions of A little girl who owns one of these life-size play dolls insists that her parents constantly buy it new clothes— PATTY and this requires regular, full-price children's clothes! IT ISN'T THE INITIAL Naturally, the doll has to go wherever the kid goes, even to a local movie, f'rinstance. And so, since it occupies PLAY its own seat, this means Pop must pay an extra admission! DOLLWRITER & ARTIST: DAVID BERG S HAVING ONE IS LIKE When a play-doll owner gets sick, naturally her doll gets sick, too. So the doctor must be called in to examine and prescribe for both, meaning a "double house call" charge! Patty Play Dolls are them life-size dolls that millions of parents are seen lugging around, because they're much too big for 36 little girls to carry all by themselves. Because it is so unwieldy, the kid can't change the doll At mealtimes, the kid demands that the doll be seated at herself, so Mom has to do it—six times a day! This also the table beside her, and even served real food. This, of results in six times as much laundry for Mom to do, too! course, means extra portions wasted and a wrecked budget! "John, I saw the doctor QX today . . . and I've got a COST OF THE DOLL, IT'S THE UPKEEP little surprise for you!" Then there's the kid's birthday, which incidentally comes But that's not the only double birthday expense. Because the same day as the doll's birthday. This means a present now they've got to throw two birthday parties—one for from Mom and Pop for the kid—and another for the doll! the kid's friends, and one for the kid's friends' dolls! HAVING ANOTHER MEMBER OF THE FAMILY Every little girl demands a doll house for her doll, but Then there are unexpected expenses. Like the recent rash in the case of a play-doll owner, this means a fantastic of play-doll kidnappings in which parents of hysterical expense. Mainly, you gotta buy the house next door for it. little girls had to pay big ransoms for their safe return. • HOW PARENTS CAN ALLEVIATE EXPENSES OF PATTY PLAY DOLLS When parents buy a Patty Play Doll, they should quickly Gifts will come pouring in for the "New Baby," solving send out anouncements of a "New Arrival" in the family. the problems of buying new clothes and accessories for it. But the upkeep expenses are another problem. Therefore— Demand that the doll be deductible on your Income Taxes MAD makes this suggestion to all parents whose kids own « *-». *» v-^ p.- «». a-- a^ • a-^ •» •> • MM Patty Play Dolls: organize! Start a march on Washington! . . . MO M LJC"ClMLJClM I r* n 'Cffy CLUMSY CATEGORY DEPT. Very soon, television viewers all over the country will get another taste of "Clumsy Category" time. That's when the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences presents its an nual "Emmie" awards for such things as "Best Giggling Next-Door-Neighbor In A Non-Musical Re-Run Situa tion Comedy That Follows A Western On Tuesdays. "Well, this year, MAD has decided to present its own awards for the "BESTS" on TV last season. And while we know that our categories are different from the TV Academy's, we can guarantee they're every bit as clumsy. So, here are... ARTIST: MORT DRUCKER WRITER: LARRY SIEGEL BEST SINGING NON-SINGER MC IN A ONE-TIME BEST TV STAR WHO IS ALSO THE LIFE-LONG SPECIAL WITH THE MOST AND SHINIEST TEETH FRIEND OF THE BAND LEADER ON HIS OWN SHOW WINNER-BERT PARKS WINNER-JACK PAAR "The Miss America Pageant" "The Jack Paar Show" Thank you, dear hearts, for this award. Many people ask I want to thank MAD Magazine for this award, and also the me why my old army buddy and bandleader, Jose Melis, has "Miss America Pageant" for allowing me to shine my many, a home so close to mine. Because, dear hearts, Jose and many sparkling teeth in your eyes while I sang the "Miss I are sincere friends, we love each other's families, we America Song" in my beautiful untrained, non-singing voice worry about each other's health, I learn his family's And now, I must rush off to my dentist to have a tooth secrets quickly so I can embarrass him before millions of extracted. Naturally, I am very concerned about this, viewers, and mainly he doesn't have so far to go to play because my teeth are extremely important in my work ... piano for my swimming pool guests in the afternoons— and after this extraction, I'll only have 53 left! if he knows what's good for himl PLEASE WATCH fJOKES! ggAQoeg BOY BEST "DRINKING JOKE" BORE STARRING IN AN BEST CAMERA AVOIDANCE OF NASTY INCIDENTS IRREGULARLY SCHEDULED VARIETY SERIES DURING A NETWORK-TELEVISED FOOTBALL GAME WINNER-DEAN MARTIN WINNER-N.B.C. "The Dean Martin Show" "The Game Of The Week" BEST MILKERS OF A THEME FOR HOUR-LONG BEST STAR OF ADULT TV RE-RUN SHOWS WHICH MASS-PRODUCED WEEKLY TELEVISION SERIES APPEAL TO SIX-YEAR-OLD MINDS AND UNDER WINNER-WARNER BROTHERS "77 Sunset Strip, Bourbon Street Beat," etc. T-^TT i i • f ff 1 • t • On behalf of "77 Sunset Strip,'" which is milking Kookie dry, and on behalf of "Bourbon Street Beat," which is milk ing "77 Sunset Strip" dry, and on behalf of "Hawaiian Eye" and "The Alaskans," which are milking publicity about our two new states dry, and on behalf of our studio's other TV Westerns and Private Eye shows, which are milking each other dry, I thank you. And now, I have the most exciting news since M.G.M. signed Leo The Lion for their trade mark. Ladies and gentlemen, beginning next season, as a symbol of our achievement, Warner Brothers' new trade mark will be: ELSIE BORDEN! BEST DISTINGUISHED NEWSCASTER WHO OFTEN BEST DRAMATIC SERIES WITH NO CONTROVERSY, MAKES A FOOL OF HIMSELF AS A PANEL SHOW NO UNHAPPY ENDINGS, AND NO COMPLAINTS FROM MODERATOR FOR NO REASON EXCEPT MONEY ANYONE EXCEPT PEOPLE WITH INTELLIGENCE WINNER-JOHN DALY WINNER-DESI ARNAZ "What9s My Line" "The Desilu Playhouse" Wj@tj&ZdJlfc^'@L '/'/jlf-f/,-/ M<- •//&-,:•#-> - "4-, i - 0~ /p/r/MMV^^0i. '<^fl§§| On behalf of the often-silly "What's My Line" panel, I Loosey an' I iss trilled by thiss honor. Ahs you know, we thank you. I also thank C.B.S. for allowing us to remain doan use no stories with controversy because that can be on the air for ten years to perform important public ser dangerous. Lass week we turn down this dangerous story vices, like demonstrating how show business people talk about a handsome liberal boy anna handsome liberal gorl who with funny, disguised voices. Unfortunately, our network meet onna train going down to Washington, D.C., to fight President could not be with us in our hour of triumph this for Civil Rights legislation. So they stop off onna way evening. He is busy on a far more important public service an' get married. But when they get back onna train, the berth project, making "Playhouse 90" into a once-every-3-years inna train compartment iss falling down, an' they iss having 15 minute special, with a 5 minute Western in the middle. trouble tryin' to control it. An' thass a dengerous story . . . because iss all about berth control! i ,,;s3mop agueip oj BEST GROUP OF NERVOUS, SELF-CONSCIOUS ,-,,-eic! ou si mooq BEST HANDSOME, BUT STIFF AND EMOTIONLESS 3U d V SIGN HOLDERS ON A WEEKLY COMEDY SERIES ou JO ueuurtns* ACTOR IN A CONTINUING TV DRAMATIC SERIES WINNER-THE BILLBOARD GIRLS WINNER-GARDNER McKAY "The Steve Allen Show" s "Adventures in Paradise99 X X X „j8uiddi|S aje s]ued j |- i i;| J DON MARTIN DEPT. PART III iwoiw'lejaun* 9iu PIOH„ fc x * Don tells us about the time he escaped to Europe, and observed... THE TOURIST ^LJTECI TJxe Xtalian Ui^cliiiis THE MAN IN COMMAND DEPT. Any current or former Enlisted Man in the service knows all about Officers. They've learned the hard way! But we'll bet they don't know that, just as the Army publishes a basic "Soldier's Guide" for Enlisted Men, it also pub lishes a basic "Officer's Guide" for Commissioned Men. We know, because we got hold of a copy of this "Top Secret" document recently. Here, then, for the benefit of all the clods who may be going into service soon (so they'll know what to expect from their Officers) are excerpts from our version of a 00 >• >• o a, 2? c u "J3 -O •- .5=3 a T3 2 0,-0 2 C O o 1> 4> till -a £ c " .5 -* c u *H >» .« u x OJ -a 11 u C ii s 0-5§OX3._W 1st |J 1 EP III .3 > 3 3 a4» g - •- X u «i zS . . > ^—' IA LI r! •si •-1 x -2 o w 111 i c?^ « u. w Q"« D. u 0 ^ cr-c a, «_S 2_g oox! <-> 2 S oO.S H H «oM^o^-3owo,—'o < ° - c« H H H H H Z -, VO cc -If V3 CO 0\0 r> co c\ o •a om e ... . fo x holes . 4> S3 * >. a t o stan d a eas e Iff c 4 =i S % 9 R Y SCIENC E hi s request fo r mone y f c : hi s complaint abou t m «•§ a: th e juic y part s o f 5" M* """ 51 1 •- c a a < £ •III oo a O - A^ Z c o SP •2 .2 F, 6 r. c a. .Si oo -o S .S — ^o •a a -a o. 1— e e •- .S •- ° o : •S 2 So •S s^ O X 'w M .S 3 !* U IU 1 s «> j -o « a -app u. X UJ O L| « 5 Jf w u *• • JJ C 1c W g oi ? z to Ji c oo 41! o 0 z -c 00 « 2 S^ ^ 9 e 2 o < y «0,c s < -£ •S y 2 ? -i 1 & z>f 1O O U« U) c o c O O O Jill ^ « is"! u. £ u- SI H H IS PH U U < H Z >H >- M n Q- a. < < 5 I u U lo t mo r mor e fu n His Arm. quickl y i a s i n (1 ) £ On Pos, V » ha t resul yo u lea p i n I?*••*« idea l target , 'S O a S £ an With Both 1 h e ca n d o 13 2i _J >._ 3 M Martia l Tria Room . 5a4 Sinc e a l nlisted M e doo r fo hi m a s h < ri U sl y whe n e i s a n b e gallan t a s wel l 6 oo o CO c 3 <&•* ..* § Q£ > oi O . 3 to •— cu o —• 2 LU w a -X !- « O X 4> ~ o t fal l a osition . wasted . $ <4 1 Off i (3 « G O surpris e you r Crutches Who Post Hospital. e i s goin g u p s ou t quickl y t o salut e y Living On P le s o n side w le of Grocer 5 . the n s fo r smashin g a 3 S G y= » S -c w ritJril ^°c= s a som e sho w him , s crut c d , an r bre s hi s h ted M uge B allow i -i2 f« 82 O 1 c • p a c n: 5 < S «§«§.a' •« . 8 An Enlis c s o r erwi ; th e bl y asid e rying a H a k u p o n i t o f him , ; an d oth e h e raise s •—> *. -. g S ar •— VJ co >i3 C a? a JD.3 j*.S So2 « w •- n — 3 >. aU g ; • r-ss •— 2 45 si II u, >- >,"0 •22 S u a •S V ° § •j o q _Q u — § si >erv i ° ? < a s m H o V 5; t>, ii uS •a 3 u > -C fa H So ^r? •- .g 51 -* c a a ex O 0 u C j « " >• - a i/> z to u 0 t— —i t o k .9 « UOU ! arc h NK I ire s < £ £ C 0 « o 3 Q &B o 0 O c •*- 3 z .2 o -3 X 1) wv , u 23 c a; c < 2^ s y "8B |O j 3 IT. c Is a .2 3 "O _ » u O g 6 a, — i£ ilwltfl UJ 15 16 o Sb 3^ 2 ^ M^l z _ a „ TIG U < 1 X « U- ILM ^ &-° ° s :M« VVQBI I • •5 o i.J V —< -u .e t« >. 46 2 a ^ o «> 5 5 Ml 2* icke n B i z •to p U J; c iifl ton 0 enliste d cla s 25 all , ; i s no tim e t ' s : o harras s Al o 0««j " i neve r befo I? UJ bfi 5j .— • 1* "~ at bio d •ft. v, 3 0 V U g>.8 T c « H ^ -J .2 H •i^ _c to « fjgffr RV I • SP 8 S H- 2> LU "S P U u Not l c L5 O ^ uc k 5^: to ~ O • — T CO « 5 i* T3 Z -5 O o UJ *-* 5i pi y 'V O 15 ||1 : «« a u [5 .. X > D U c HI* w -H 5 _ o ^ I «> Sap 2 ess . U s u 8 5 « i: H -c llll H* — «s -_•* U •si ••^2 - .53 BBOO >< ' g « < < d U "c 8 aid u; H «-g, 2 rS "<3 0 UI O ,a "5 th a 0 I—i :i;|t4|< L- .e 8 ^a 3a t u £^> | o § 8 I I I ~ H £ 7J X 111 II 5* z < •5 HI5 " Z a il - o Ui C u, u o S <• 13 • 00 J3 a Si | rl C *H 2s E ax u < s S e X 8 S f ^ .S T3 U u .s £ § LU Z 1 2"?2 §*! X 2 S |x I c o .2 .!! S5"S 47 > >- DON MARTIN DEPT. PART IV Don has always been fascinated with our "Scenes We'd Like To See", so he's tried one himself. Here, then, is a Don Martin version of *° ANNOUNCING... ATWIN LAUNCHING FROM THE IVIAD PAD __> -JS ^ THE NEW HARD-COVER " DE LUXE ANTHOLOGY THE NEW SOFT-COVER A GOLDEN • POCKET-SIZE BOOK TKASHERY $ WILLIAM M.GAINES'S *£ IS 'XS-Sl IpJlCifiiflZiillOJI ?:- Li IT - * • '.'Ml Nil A Br This hard-covered, deluxe missile carries some of the This eighth soft-covered, pocket-size missile joins best material from past issues of MAD, unavailable "TheMAD Reader","MADStrikes Back","Inside MAD", in any pocket-size book collection, and is powered by "Utterly MAD", "The Brothers MAD", "The Bedside 136 pages of hilarious humor, scintillating satire, MAD," and "Son of MAD" in our feeble probes into the and just plain trash, many in vivid color . . . plus outer reaches of wit and parody ... and will probably an amusing foreword section by Sid Caesar, telling you turn out just like its predecessors., .an absolute dud. why the whole thing will never get off the ground. ON SALE AT YOUR FAVORITE NEWSSTAND ON SALE AT YOUR FAVORITE BOOKSTORE OR YOURS BY MAIL FOR 40c OR YOURS BY MAIL-$2.95 The Complete Collection—All Eight—For $2.60 MAD ANTHOLOGY DEPARTMENT 225 Lafayette Street New York 12, New York MAD POCKET DEPARTMENT 225 Lafayette Street New York 12, N. Y. I see you're trying to launch another anthology, hoping Since I'm just a down-to-earth cheap clod, accept my order for it will do better than the two you tried before. Since D THE GOLDEN none of them ever got off the ground . . . and since I'm THE ORGANIZATION MAD THE COMPLETE COLLECTION just a down-to-earth clod, please accept my order for TRASHERY OF MAD G I enclose 40c • I enclose $2.60 NAME. • MAD FOR KEEPS | NAME P MAD FOREVER CITY. -ZONE. (I've indicated the number of copies of each, and enclosed $2.95 per copy) STATE. STATE. FROM THE RUMMIE WALKER COLLECTION RUMMIE WALKER 'Crocked" by FRANK KELLY FREAS Took his first drink in 1820 When we commissioned Frank Kelly Freas to paint his going strong hobby for our ad campaign, we hoped he would come up with something as interesting as Harold Von Schmidt and Peter Helck and Robert Biggs had done before him. Unfortunately, it looks like Mr. Freas went a little astray after painting our whiskey bottle. Mainly, he killed the contents and ended up stewed to the gills. Guess the laugh's really on us. We never figured Artist -Illustrator'Drunk Mr. Freas's hobby would turn out to be "drinking"! RUMMIE WALKER • BLACK LABEL • SCOTCH WHISKEY Blended Scotch 86.8 Proof. Imported by Canada Dry Gin 'n Ale, Inc., New York