February 21, 2012 - Uvm, Burlington, Vt Uvm.Edu/~Watertwr - Thewatertower.Tumblr.Com
Total Page：16
File Type：pdf, Size：1020Kb
volume 11 - issue 5 - tuesday, february 21, 2012 - uvm, burlington, vt uvm.edu/~watertwr - thewatertower.tumblr.com by phoebefooks ay what you will about fast food, indoor plumbing, plastic surgery, nuclear energy, sanitary water, or four loko, but free shipping is by far the best advancement of modern developed society. When an item can be purchased with absolutely no required en- ergy or extra cost, you say to yourself “there is no reason that I shouldn’t buy this, so I will.” Bam, fewer than two weeks later your brand new blu-ray box set of all three Har- old and Kumar movies is sitting on your caney demars doorstep. Ours is a world of convenience. So are you ready to hear something awe- some? A few days ago my friend told me that any student with a .edu email address can sign up for Amazon Prime, for free, for a limited time. Amazon Prime offers free two-day shipping on select items, which range from textbooks to vinyls, from au- thentic Raybans to fisheye lenses that can clip on smartphones, from nose rings to ski goggles, from ramen to laptop covers that by lizcantrell can turn your Apple logo into the cover here’s no possible way anyone could homosexuality. The group concluded their arrest.) If that weren’t enough, the woman of The Giving Tree. There is no minimum find JC Penney insulting, unless you assault with, “Degeneres [sic] is not a true has thirteen Emmys and a huge fan base. order amount to qualify for free shipping. have a particular dislike for rayon representation of the type of families who She’s delivered commencement addresses, The catch is that your membership expires or polyester. It’s kind of like the less- shop at the retailer.” and Hillary Clinton even named her a Spe- in 6 months and after that you have the op- fashionable younger sibling of Macy’s: I call bullshit. If anything, Ellen’s ap- cial Envoy for Global AIDS Awareness, tion to pay a pretty significantly reduced selling ribbed sweaters, pleated pants, proachable and good-natured personality whatever that means. annual price for a regular Amazon Prime and inspired patio decor at bargain-base- is probably a lot like the people that fre- Ellen is fucking awesome, plain and account. All good things must come to ment prices. One goes to JC Penney to quent the store. Ellen wears slacks. Moms simple. Thankfully, lots of people agree, an end (sorry, Pats) but that doesn’t mean get a cheap-ass bedazzled prom dress and who shop at JC Penney wear slacks. Ellen and have unleashed a significant backlash you shouldn’t take advantage of this dope BOGO Fruit of the Loom undies. What’s is middle aged and dyes her hair. Ditto for against One Million Moms. Ellen’s sup- deal. (I realize I’m starting to sound like a offensive about that? the moms. I don’t see why the group thinks porters on Facebook now outnumber those car salesman but I swear to the honest gods Recently, JC Penney, store of zero con- JC Penny would lose business by hiring El- who “like” One Million Moms. Ultimately, of frugality that Amazon isn’t paying me to sequence, sparked some JC Penney stuck by its decision to write this.) The optimal time I would rec- controversy after it de- recently, jc penney, store of hire Ellen. As Ellen reminds us, the ommend to sign up for Amazon Student cided to hire Ellen DeGe- Pillsbury DoughBoy is actually a is at the beginning of next semester so that neres as its new spokes- zero consequence, sparked some more controversial spokesperson you can order your textbooks at prices sig- person. She’s funny, controversy after it decided to hire because he “runs around without nificantly lower than the bookstore’s—even relatable, and kind of re- any pants on basically begging peo- without the free shipping; then further minds you of your favor- ellen degeneres as its new spokesperson ple to poke his belly”. cash in on Amazon Student by selling your ite Aunt. What’s the prob- One Million Moms is not just books back using the trade-in service. lem, you ask? She’s gay. another example of bat-shit crazy As college students we are constantly An organization called One Million len to do some modeling and a couple of organizations targeting people for their amidst the downpour of discounts and Moms spoke out against JC Penney’s deci- well-placed TV spots. Ellen has a lot of ap- sexuality. Their crusade against Ellen is deals, most of which make us end up sion, throwing a bigoted punch at Ellen by peal, and if she is sporting their clothes or part of the somewhat ridiculous idea that spending more than we normally would, posting on its Facebook page that JC Pen- using their gear, I suspect JC Penny would major media figures are solely responsible i.e. get five dollars off when you drop one ney was, "jumping on the pro-gay band- actually see an increase in profits. I mean, for ruining kids’ values. The organization’s hundred bucks at insert expensive clothing wagon" and that "the majority of JC Pen- if Ellen is rocking a charcoal turtleneck, I website declares, “Our goal is to stop the ex- store here (“Oh, because you spend $100 ney shoppers will be offended and choose want that turtleneck. If Ellen tells me that ploitation of our children, especially by the at Life is Good eryday!”) Amazon Prime is to no longer shop there.” According to this the newest KitchenAid mixer will change entertainment media… OneMillionMoms. unlike these scams in that it can save you group, flocks of budget-savvy moms will my life, then I’m going to start whipping up com is the most powerful tool you have hundreds of dollars FORREAL on stuff you soon be abandoning the clearance aisle, lemon meringue pies like I’m Martha Stew- to stand against the immorality, violence, would have bought anyway. dropping their half-off Guess purses and art (I’ll skip the part where I get pinged for vulgarity and profanity the entertainment Money is awesome and pretty soon the window treatments as they flee the scene of illegal stock trading and get put on house media is throwing at your children.” world is going to explode and money won’t be awesome anymore so I encourage you ... read the rest on page 6 ... read the rest on page 4 the watchmen uvm headlines text lingo movie stars makin’ music by joshhegarty by gregfrancese by shannonward by juliendarmoni news ticker: Lion Air’s 230 planes on order will blot out the sun +++ Greece passes austerity measures, Greeks riot, life goes on +++ Canadians have remembrance of If Day g by joshhegarty Be forewarned; this piece is about comic bound to save the world. It makes cutting big check. with julietcritsimilios books. Sometime around 1985, DC Com- commentaries about the very nature of the Given Moore’s relationship with the com- letter from the editors ics (Which actually stands for Detective comic book medium’s change from a place pany, it should be clear that he wouldn’t Hey friends. Dan and Megan here. We’re the editors-in-chief. We just wanted to Comics Comics), the publishing company for almost absurdist horror fiction into a have wanted any sort of continuation made check in with you, the reader. How are you? Are you holding up okay? How’s your se- UTI’s- Snooki has recently been complaining about this terrible infection that has behind Superman and Batman, acquired theater where super-powered buffoons in out of his work. But just this month, DC mester? How’s the cute student in your Psych class? Still giving you eyes? Are you still afflicted many a woman. Urinary Tract Infections are common, and can be treated the rights to a slew of characters previously tights used violence to solve problems and Comics has announced something like 40 giving eyes to them? That’s the real question. by a simple and short course of antibiotics. To be safe, if you have one and still insist owned by Charlton Comics (including one the role of women was just to be sexualized. issues across 7 series of prequels under the Anyway, here at the water tower, there are some big changes afoot in the next on drinking during the 3 or so days you’re on the medicine (3 DAYS?!?!), make sure I really enjoy, The Question, a detective Watchmen is widely regarded as one of the banner Before Watchmen. Many people are year or so. Editors leaving, editors coming back, editors editing, editors laughing, staff it’s at least a Cranberry Vodka. with no face). At the time, Alan Moore, greatest works of the medium and Alan unhappy about this, but it is doing nothing members playing intense games of foursquare, artists drinking Minute Maid juice an up and coming British comic book au- Moore, while a cantankerous, borderline to deter the company or the public attitude and giggling like people who just heard a really really juicy rumor. Lots of people are Sarah Palin- Who knows if Sarah Palin is still a “real” politician, still loves grizzly thor and his friend Dave Gibbons were doing lots of things, and we want you to do things with us. bears, or still wants to run for office? She keeps taunting us with hints of a Presiden- tasked with writing a story to introduce “watchmen is widely regarded as one of the greatest works We’ll be honest with you, we love you all.