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better 5302 New Utrecht Avenue • Brooklyn, NY 11219 health Phone: 718-436-4801 fringe ... and beyond" in America ehrlichkeit of one's children is the ultimate ures. That is understandable for two rea­ does not remotely compare in numbers measure of success or failure in life. It is sons. On the one hand, the individual or intensity to Torah Jewry's hemor­ for that reason that the worry that ones takes comfort in the assumption that rhaging in Western Europe in the nine­ children may go "off the derech" strikes whatever happens is not his fault. On the teenth century, and in Eastern Europe such terror in the hearts of parents and other, it gives people a reasonable frame­ and Israel in the twentieth, it can no grandparents, who don't sleep at night for work with which to comprehend what longer be ignored. In contrast to other fear of what may become of their may seem inexplicable or too painful to times and places, when poverty was children. It is a horror that is rarely glimpsed confront. rampant, the threat of pogroms and per­ by others and cannot really be shared. There are those who claim - inaccu­ secution hung heavy in the air, or The dread of "losing a child" often rately and unfairly - that fault lies with exciting, "new" ideologies pulled at shatters domestic harmony as well. In the our heroic mechanchim. We reject that Jewish youth, American Jewry today words ofRabbi S. R Hirsch, "Family prob­ claim. Most rabbe'im and morahs are over­ lives in serenity and contentment, lems and domestic grief gnaw at the hearts worked, underpaid, underappreciated - enjoys great prosperity and is not con­ of men; they are like fine needle tips and yet, notably effective. Are they all per­ fronted by ideological challenge. In whose miniscule wounds the world tends fect? No. But they are far more devoted much of Europe and Israel, defections to overlook, but which in the enJews them are in agreement with each other, and said: "Every yachid (individual) is does not allow one who has been suc­ but every one opens a window to a painful an entire Kial.'' cessful with his own children to duck - even tragic - scene, and instructs the rest It is precisely because every individ­ smugly in sympathy and do nothing. The of us in how to avoid pitfalls and traps, ual is an entire world that, even were we mark of the great Torah leaders, from how to identify with the pain of the errant to contend that in relative terms the phe­ Moshe Rabbeinu until our day, is the care youths and their suffering families, and nomenon is unusual, we must have the and concern that they evince for every how to help them out of their grievous forthrightness to look this problem individual, the conviction that every situations. squarely in the face, rethink our premis­ Jewish child is their own. We have no illusions that any maga­ es, reconsider our attitudes, and ensure It is not our task to assign blame, zine issue or series of articles can effect the fulfillment of our responsibilities. point fingers, or self-assuredly maintain a quick fix. The healing of societal mal­ We cannot afford to write off a sin­ that there are conclusive answers. Every adies is measured in millimeters. But that gle child. child is different and no two situations fact does not absolve us from doing are alike. But there are risk factors, and everything we can. It is precisely in regard Rabbi Klugman lives in Jerusalem where he is a there are areas that bear improvement. to problems such as these that Ghazal maggid shiur in a yeshiva gedola. Author of a detailed biographical study of Rabbi Samson Clearly, many children in high risk instruct us (Avos 2:21): "The task is not Raphael Hirsch (ArtScroll Mesorah), he is a fre~ environments will grow into fine, noble complete; neither are you free quent coritdbutor to these and. righteous Jews. But we are still from it." • Kislev 5760 •November 1999 U.S.A.$3.50/Foreign $4.50 •VOL XXXII/NO. 9

THE JEWISH OBSERVER (ISSN) 0021-6615 is published monthly except July and August by the Agudath Israel of America, 84 William Street, New York, N.Y. 10038. Periodicals postage paid in New York, N.Y. Subscription $24.00 per year; two years, $44.00; three years, $60.00. Outside of the United States (US funds drawn on a US bank only) $12.00 sur~ charge per year. Single copy $3.50; foreign $4.50. INTRODUCTION POSTMASTER: Send address Rabbi E!iyahu Meir Klugman changes to: The Jewish Observer, 84 William Street, N.Y., N.Y. 10038. Tel: 212-797-9000, Fax: 212-269-2843. SETTING THE SCENE Printed in the U.S.A. 9 Thoughts of a Mother

RABBI NISSON WOLPIN, EDITOR GEDOLEI YISROEL ON EDUCATION, PARENTING AND THE RESPONSIBILITY OF THE COMMUNITY EDITORIAL BOARD DR. ERNST L. BODENHEIMER I l The Chazon lsh on: The Educator's Responsibility Chairman to the Weak and Wayward Student, Rabbi Zvi Yabrov RABBI ABBA BRUDNY IS Basic Principles of Parenting, Rabbi Shlomo Wolbe N"i:>>'ro RABBI JOSEPH ELIAS 15 Dealing With the Dilemma; An Interview JOSEPH FRIEDENSON RABBI YISROEL MEIR KIRZNER with Rabbi Shmuel Kamenentsky N"1"""1 RABBI NOSSON SCHERMAN PROF. AARON TWERSKI THE MECHANECH'S (EDUCATOR'S) PERSPECTIVE MANAGEMENT BOARD l9 Where Responsibility and Love Intersect, Rabbi Shloime Mandel AVI FISHOF NAFTOLI HIRSCH 3 I A Teacher's List of Do's (Not Don'ts!), Mrs. Rochel Leah Frankel ISAAC KIRZNER 3 S Of Growth and Belonging, Rabbi Ahron Kaufman RABBI SHLOMO LESIN NACHUM STEIN 3 9 The TOVA Program -Adding to the Full Vessel, Dr Norman N. Blumenthal RABBI YOSEF C. GOLDING Managing EdltOf PREVENTION Published by The "At-Risk Child": Early Identification and Intervention, Agudath Israel of America 43 Dr David Pelcovitz and Rabbi Shimon Russel U.S. TRADE msTRIBIJTDR !SRAELI REPRESENTATIVE Feldheim Publishers lntnl. Media Placemen! Can "Doing Their Year" in Israel Do Them In? Yeshara Gold 200 Airport Executive Park POB 7195 I 5 Even Israel Making Our Bayis a Mobile Home, Mrs. Devorah Greenblatt Spring Valley, NY 10977 Jerusalem, ISRAEL Report From Ground Zero, Rabbi Yakov Horowitz EUROPEAN REPRESENTATIVE AUSTRALIAN DISTRIBUTOR M.T. 8ibelman Gold's Book & Gift Co. Grosvenor Works 36 William Street GUIDANCE Mount Pleasant Hill Balaclava 3183, Vic., London E5 9NE, ENGLAND AUSTRAUA S 6 Bechira/Freedom of Choice and Psychology, Rabbi Joseph Elias THE JEWISH OBSERVER does not S 7 Helping the "At-Risk Child": A Guide to Therapy, assume responsibility for the Kashrus Dr Norman N. Blumenthal & Rabbi Shimon Russel of any product, publication, or service 61 When Conventional Parenting is Not Enough, Zolman Lachman advertised in its pages ©Copyright 1999 BRINGING THEM BACK TO A ToRAH LIFE 66 Buying Time, Rabbi Michael Levy November 1999 69 An Unorthodox Approach for the Orthodox Teen, VOLUME XXXU/NO. 9 Rabbi Yitzchok Mitnick REPRINT EDITION POSTSCRIPT 74 ''.Hereby Resolved":A father's Kabba"()s, Children on the Fringe ... and Beyond

To do justice to this topic - its complexities, subtleties and myriad ramifications .. .its resolution and prevention - called for reaching out to

a wide range of writers, to share their insights and experiences with our readers; thus requiring The Jewish Observer to put aside its usual constraints of space and expense.

We are grateful to the following individuals whose vision,

compassion, and generosity have made this special issue possible:

Rabbi & Mrs. Mendel Goldberg Mr. & Mrs. Naftali Hirsch Mr. & Mrs. Leon Melohn Mr. & Mrs. Marvin Samuels Mr. & Mrs. Yaty Weinreb Friends of Acheinu, a project sponsored by Toronto Jewry to help Israel's "Kids-at-Risk" and guide them to a life of Torah

and several other, anonymous benefactors. CHILDREN ON THE FRINGE •.• AND BEYOND Thoughts of a Mother

used to say to my husband: It's like the night - mostly. Last year, and two But what difference does it make he grew up in El Barrio. You don't years ago, (and three and four also) I what anyone said? We tried it all and I believe me. You don't understand. didn't sleep as well. Often I would nothing workt'Rebbe?) My friend happen, gave me no peace. At night - waiting for the call - the in Israel (not Bretz Yisroel?). Upstate (i.e. We spoke to gedolim. We spoke to call from the police - or the hospital - the Mountains). And this was the professionals. The gedolim said, no mat­ or .... vocabulary when he was on the way up, ter what - don't lock the door. Only It defies description, the horror of way, way up. with love. And some professionals said: those nights. I would sit up in the liv­ Last year his vocabulary didn't You have leverage; you have to learn how ing room - saying the whole Tehillim - include "rabbis" - it was more of to use it. Make limits. Don't let him step and sobbing out loud. And when he unprintable vulgarities. And his cloth­ all over you. If he violates curfew, lock would open tbe door at 4:00 A.M. - and ing didn't include a yarmulke. No - this him out. come in, bloodshot eyes - staggering was definitely on the way up. One therapist who had worked with from alcohol - or drugs (yes, drugs!) as And if he's up all night now "on the him while he was in yeshiva said: The though nothing was wrong- ("Why are weekends;' I am grateful that it's no key is the morning. You have to get him you up, Mom? Is anything wrong?") I longer every night. And if he sleeps on out of hed in the morning even if you would die a little more inside. Shabbos and Sunday until four in the have to get physical. And another said: We tried to talk to him - it didn't afternoon, I bite my tongue, because He's a gem. He'll outgrow it. And my help. No one was home. We tried group after all, as he says: A: It's easier not to friend said: You just have to keep his therapy- he stormed out. We tried pri­ be mechallel Shabbos if you sleep head above water. Just don't let him vate therapy. He refused to go. "Oppo­ through most of it. B: He's been getting sink. sitional, defiant" - those were the words up the past few weeks on Monday Don't let? Tell me how! Leverage? the professionals used. And I just want­ through Friday to go to work. So how It's just not working. He gets angrier and ed to know-how does that differ from can I complain? angrier. And we grow even more dis­ middos ra'os? Baal yeitzer hara? Rasha? Nowadays I'm sleeping through tant. Baal taava?

The Jewish Observer, November 1999 9 Help me! Won't someone help me? I wish I knew. his problem. And it is his pain that I cry Doesn't anyone care to help me? But you see - that is so much part of for now. Having a son like this is a humbling the pain. All the decisions. And never And so I have learned that - yes - I experience. Truly humbling. I never being sure that you've made the right will forgive him. I already have. And thought of myself as an arrogant per­ one. What to say, how to say it, when now, whether through "revelation­ son - but I must admit, I used to think to be firm, when to bend the rules. event" or process, all I want is his com­ that I knew the "reason" for kids like Sometimes I don't even know what to plete recovery.

mine. Either it's a dysfunctional home. want1 much less how to achieve it. 2. Rabbi told me something No shalom bayis. No warmth. Too rigid I used to think that if only I would that made so much sense. He said: If he or too loose. No money, or too much do the right thing - arrange things does something bad, don't take it per­ money. No real simchas hachayim. Too smoothly- he'd get better. At one point, sonally. Make believe he's someone else's liberal - modern. Too frum - fanatic. it seemed that everyone else knew how kid. You can be really good and patient Or maybe, sometimes, it's not the home to do "it" better than I did. ("It" being and smart with someone else's kid. But - I thought, and the kid must be learn­ making the right moves so that your if someone attacks him-then he's your ing disabled and couldn't make it in child stops his fall and starts to climb kid - and your only kid. (Someone said yeshiva. back up.) Now I think that there are to me: You know, your son is a pothead. And then all of a sudden the kid was many different ways that could help - My response should be, yes, but he's my mine, not LD. Somehow, in my fami­ but it really depends on him - on his pothead, so watch what you say. And ly, my beautiful blessed family, it had bechira and not so much of what I do. I'm here to help him no matter what.) happened. He slipped through our fin­ And if he does something good, then for gers - and joined the other side - the ere are some of my confused sure I should let him know how proud world that we thought we had locked thoughts: I am of him. out when we locked out TV and movies, H No matter what - he's my kid. My and yes, even the daily newspapers. 1. Recovery, one drug therapist told love for him is unconditional. And I me, is a process, not an event. Your son have to learn to communicate that to y husband still tells him gen­ is in the process. You have to expect that him. tly that he wants him to be a there will be slipping - and sliding. But 3. There is the issue of embarrass­ M tzaddik and a true talmid as long as he's headed in the right direc­ ment. How he dresses? Baruch Hashem, chacham. So now we argue, my husband tion, there is hope. I must say that I'm not embarrassed. I and I, late at night when no one else is A process - not an event. On one never was. At least almost never. 1'he around. I want him to change what he level, I know that that is true. But on only thing a person should be embar­ hopes for our son, what he tells him. another level - a deep, gut emotional rassed of is his own aveiros. I heard just tell him that you hope he will be an level, I keep waiting for the "event." A Rabbi Matisyahu Salomon call this ehrlicher Yid. Please - that would be the revelation. Like by Har Sinai. A light­ plague a gezeira. If this is a gezeira right thing to say. And my husband ning flash of self-awareness. Eliyahu (Divine decree), why should I be embar­ won't budge. No, he says. But I counter Hanavi to tap him on the shoulder and rassed? Anyway, I really believe that his - fighting back tears - an ehrlicher Yid lead him back home. being an embarrassment would be is not a little thing. It is so much. It is Can it be I am waiting for - teshu­ counterproductive for him. Because so great. Can you imagine if he would va? That is a beautiful dream. But then then he would think that this is about wear tzitzis? Put on tefillin every day? sometimes I shudder to think what true our needs - not his; our position in soci­ Daven three times a day? To be an teshuva might do to him. Ifhe were ever ety, our egos, our pride. ehrlicher Yid is so much. And my hus­ to realize what he did to us - to all of And it's not. It's about his growing band just looks at me sadly - doesn't us - his parents, siblings, grandparents up. Becoming a mentch. Learning how answer - and continues to tell him how - What pain, what excruciating pain he to function and be a productive mem­ much he hopes he will be a talmid caused us - what sleepless nights and ber of society. And yes, it is about Yid­ chacham and a tzaddik. depression-filled, non-functioning days. dishkeit, because we truly believe that he Deep inside, I'm not sure he's wrong. I'm afraid of what the awareness of that can only be happy (and productive and What would it do to my son to see that might do to him. Would it break him? a mentch, et al) if he is connected to we've changed our hopes for him? G-d forbid. I don't want that. Hashem and (dare I say it) a true ben Would it make him think - You see? And as much as I once thought that Torah. To me it seems that he's thrown They've given up on me. On the other I could never, ever, ever forgive him for away gold and chosen garbage. I was hand, maybe it would relieve the pres­ what he did to us, I have come to learn going to write "straw;' but that would­ sure, and he would realize that we will that the one with the most pain must n't really be accurate, just a neater sim­ respect him even if he does choose a dif­ be him. He may not show it. He may ile. We daven that one day, soon, he will ferent path than the others. Who is right? not even realize it. But that is part of realize - and choose the gold again.

10 The Jewish Observer, November 1999 ne more thing, the word So you see, we are asking for help grateful beyond words. daven. At first, I thought: how from Above in our daily war against the Where he will be in the future I can­ 0 can I ask Hashem to help yeitzer hara. And again: not predict. him? Doesn't it say hakol biydei 1'::1n7 1J:i?::i in1 1J'7}> om omon 1r.iTT1i1 :JN U':tN We've learned a lot, all of us. But I Shamayim chutz miyiras Shamayim? onp':ri n1Wlf71110'.t'7 ir.J?'n Tlt:J77 vll':W? 7~'\!Jit:il can't say that I know too much of any­ Hashem gave him everything - so 1'T'!"Tln:l U'l'IV "Wm ,j'U,i1N:J. l'm'll1 i1dm ~17:l TlN thing other than: he's my kid- and I love many gifts; the one thing in his power "f1'JV rn rtN1"7i mi!N7u:i:i? "TT1"I ~ m.7 ~Tl him - and I'm going to try my best to to choose is yiras Shamayim. And he (And I whisper - Hashem, put it into his make sure that he knows that. And chose not to. So what do I want from heart. Only You can help him.) And meanwhile, I keep dreaming: Eliyahu Hashem? again, please. Please, please. Hanavi - is that you? Finally, you've But then the words from the Siddur lvr.i? 1nN1'YI 1n:inN u:i?:i o'l?JYl 1n'T!n::i 1J::::i.7 nru:i' Nm come. leap out at me, again and again. And I .n7n:i.7 'T7J N7I prb Vl'l N7 We've been waiting for you - for so cannot help but be comforted. Because So the Siddur and the Tehillim have long. • I see that we do ask. And if we do, then become my friends. I used to find dav­ that means that we may. ening a burden, I'm ashamed to admit. Where are the words? To quote just (Do you think that that is where he got a few: it from?) ,?NW' l1':i lOV ~N::l'J . llN::i~l 'umN i1'i1n Now I am grateful for the opportu­ nr.ivh ,.,rrnn 'mi71~'Vil'1fJi~ nity. And these words teach me that I should not daven only for my son, but ur story- our son's story-is far for all the sons and daughters of from over. We're not out of We make "housecalls" amcha beis Yisroel. Each one is pre­ Odanger yet. But there are glim­ cious. Each loss, chas veshalom, is an mers of hope. Yes, I've learned a little (718) 972-4003 irrecoverable loss. And each parent's to detach myself but not so much that :i-•-,tit• pain hurts so. he isn't in my tefillos constantly. -,b:::>tv . . j'Tn'Olo::i uv:iTI -rrrnro 117,.:iinv l')!J'm 11::11 'i1'l Where he is now is better, far better '(l))l ni:w 'i'? N7t N\jn 'iY7 16 UN':J1'1 7N'l than where he was. And for that I am

--·------·-·... --··-·----···--·-·--·------··------·---·------The Jewish Observer, November 1999 11 CHILDREN ON THE FRINGE ••• AND BEYOND Rabbi Zvi Yabrov

THE CHAZON ISH 7"~i ON THE EDUCATOR'S RESPONSIBILITY TO THE WEAK AND WAYWARD STUDENT Principles and Vignettes

The Chazon Ish, Rabbi Avraham Yeshaya Karelitz (1878-1953), one of the greatest Torah luminaries of recent times, lived in Eretz Yisroel from 1933 until his passing. His views, actions, halachic rulings and writings continue to have a major influence on the fabric of Torah life evel)'Where. 1

THE REQUIREMENTS The ideal educator, in his view, must gifted boys. Since such boys have no hope OF AN EDUCATOR be of elevated character. A mechanech of of becoming roshei yeshiva, and will deficient character causes a double eventually become baalebattim, Rabbi Lor­ he necessary prerequisite to influ­ tragedy. Since his actions do not match incz wondered, would it not be better to ence one's students, the Chazon his words, his students will not learn emphasize the skills necessary to under­ T!sh told Rabbi Michel Yehuda Torah from him, and even worse, they stand a daf Gemora and learn halacha? Lefkovitz, is a genuine love of people. He learn from his behavior (Emuna U'Bita­ The Chazon !sh was vehemently based his view on the directive of chon 4:16). A student emulates his opposed to the suggestion. "Our chin­ Chazal (Avos 1:12) that one must be teacher. And if a teacher is of imperfect uch," he said, "must be based on the "oheiv es habriyos u'mekarvan laTorah, character, his ta/mid will learn bad mid­ assumption that every boy can be a love people and draw them closer to dos from him. gadol. One who does not seem blessed Torah." These are not two unrelated with great intellectual gifts can turn the commands. They are rather cause and THE "WEAKER" STUDENT corner one day and be blessed with for­ effect. Only one who loves others can midable intelligence. Suddenly all the draw them close to Torah. '' chanoch lenaar al pi darko­ wellsprings of Torah open up to him and He once requested that a certain indi­ educate the lad according to he is recognized as a considerable baa[ vidual be appointed as Mashgiach in a his way," the Chazon !sh kishron (intellectually gifted)." particular yeshiva, despite the fact that insisted, does not mean to withhold the The Chazon !sh buttressed his view the candidate was not a great ta/mid possibility of becoming a gadol baTorah with the story of a contemporary gadol chacham, nor renowned as an excep­ from one who seemingly lacks that capa­ who was considered slow as a youth. Even tionally great tzaddik. (Today the man bility. We have to ensure that every child at the age of 18, he asked the Chazon !sh works for the Chevra Kadisha.) "He has has the opportunity to be that "one out to explain a Rashi that any third grader a good heart;' the Chazon !sh explained, of a thousand;' however improbable that could understand easily. "Yet;' he told "and he will make every effort to help seems. Hence, a yeshiva must never Rabbi Lorincz, "that person is now one of the boys through their pain." That devalue any student, for it is impossi­ the great Torah luminaries of our times:' character trait sufficed. He rejected the ble to know which young bachur will A ta/mid who felt he was not cut out other candidate as "too tough:' one day be the gadol hador. 1 Rabbi Shlomo Lorincz once asked the Every situation is unique, and one cannot assume that the Chazon Ish's directives in the Rabbi Yabrov is the author of Maaseh Jsh, a three­ Chazon !sh if it would not be beneficial above examples can be freely applied to specific volume biography of the Chazon Ish. The con­ to create a different kind of yeshiva, cases that may appear to be similar ( halacha tents of this article were approved for publica­ lema'aseh). They do, however, serve to illustrate tion by the nephew of the Chazon Ish, Hagaon emphasizing pshat and halacha (literal the extent of a mechanech's responsibility and Rabbi Chaim Kanievsky of Bnei Brak, who lived meaning and practical application), rather achrayus for each and every talmid. with his uncle for a period of seven years. than lomdus (abstract probing), for less

12 The Jewish Observer, November 1999 CHILDREN IN THE TORAH COMMUNITY ON THE FRINGE •.. AND BEYOND

for learning once informed the Chazon rneeting, the one who arranged the con­ will leave on their own." !sh of his plans to master a trade. The versation with the Chazon !sh expressed Rabbi Yehoshua Yogel once came to gadol hador invited the young man to his surprise: "I brought him here with the Chazon !sh with the following learn with him, and they spent a long the hope that the Rav would convince dilem1na: In his yeshiva were several tin1e learning Gemora together. When him to sever his ties with that group. But problematic students who would dete­ they were finished, the Chazon !sh asked the Rav did not even 1nention it!" riorate if sent away. On the other hand, the young man, "Don't you sec that you "He obviously derives satisfaction if allowed to stay, they might have a bad are capable of learning?" from his membership in this group;' the influence on others. The Chazon lsh's Chazon !sh replied. "Before you take initial response was that this was a dif­ GOOD CHILDREN something away from someone, you ficult life-and-death issue. He then must first give him something else in asked Rabbi Yogel how he had handled ( ( Make sure that you learn return. This bachur isn't yet ready to taste similar situations in the past. Rabbi Yogel with them every day;' the sweetness of Torah and it won't affect replied that he bad indeed expelled sev­ was the Chazon lsh's hin1. So I was nice to him and invited eral students. As a rule, though, the hard advice to a father who wanted to know him back next week. I'll speak with him cases left on their own and as a result how to help his sons become talmidei in learning again, and he will begin to the others succeeded in straightening chachamim. He often shared with enjoy it. And when his eyes light up in out. Thus, in his view, experience had fathers who asked for a blessing for their Torah, the darkness will disappear on its shown that when the hard-core trou­ children's success in learning, the reply own." blemakers left the yeshiva, the others of the Chofetz Chaim to a similar improved greatly. request: "You do not educate your son EXPULSION -A MATTER The Chazon !sh interrupted him: by collecting berachos for him, but OF LIFE AND DEATH «Experience does not overrule the only by being willing to sell the pillow Shulchan Aruch. One may not expel a under your head to pay for his tuition." ending bachurim away from yeshi­ student. You don't have to court him, hut Becoming a gadol baTorah, the Cha­ va, he often said, is tantamount to if he wants to stay you have no right to zon !sh often said, is as dependent on Sdinei nefashos (capital punish­ send him away. You must rather dedi­ the tears and tefillos of the boy's grand­ ment). Accordingly, he often refused to cate all your strength to educate him and mother as on his intellectual gifts. decide the issue. "Yeshiva says to supervise his behavior." that I'm ruining their yeshiva by not "I don't know if I have the strength," THE DIFFICULT STUDENT allowing them to expel their students;' Rabbi Yogel responded. he once admitted. "But what can I do? "Hashem will give you the strength;' hen asked how a yeshiva I can't be the one to decide that they was the reply. should treat a troublemaker, should send them away. Hopefully, A yeshiva student was once caught W the Chazon !sh responded, "It Heaven will have mercy and these boys stealing, and the yeshiva's dean asked the is better to put up with him and draw him as near as possible. The function of the yeshiva is to provide wisdom to the L.S. TYPE OF CAR OR SIMILAR 26 AUG. 99 weaker ones and understanding to 19 Dt:C. 99 those who go astray. One cannot blame A FIAT PUNTO 3 OR. >26 the unruly student. That is the nature B FtAT PUNTO 5 OR. »47 c RENAULT CLIO >7S of children. We must make every pos­ c' PEUGEOT 306 2>7 sible effort. Sometimes the right hand c' MITSUBISHI CARISMA 238 CD CITROEN XSARA DIESEL 2S9 must push away while the left hand NT MINIBUS 8 SEATS 490 MT MINIBUS 10 SEATS s>8 draws closer. And sometimes we must D KIA PRIOE I DAIHATSU SIRION 2•0 draw them near with both hands" E DAEWOO LANDS 245 (Kovetz Igros J ,SJ). F • NISSAN ALMERA 294 G • MAZDA LANTIS 1.8 3'5 A boy was once expelled from a K" • GMC SAVANA 798 x • CITROEN XANTIA 350 yeshiva for joining an inappropriate XL •MAZDA 626 I PEUGEOT 406 2.0 385 sx •CHEVROLET MALIBU 658 youth group. The Chazon !sh arranged KX •MAZDA MPV 763 for him to be accepted in an out-of-town vx • VOLV0940 833 for details &.. reservation: ,.. • LANO-ROVER DISCOVERY 980 yeshiva. Once again he joined a pro­ USA &.. CANADA scribed youth organization. The boy was Toll free: (1) 800-938-5000 sent to talk to the Chazon !sh. The lat­ ter spoke to him at length without ever Tel in NY: 212-629-6090 mentioning the youth club. After the http:/ /www.eldan.co.il/

------The Jewish Observer, November 1999 13 Chazon !sh whether the boy should be derech;' he responded that they should expelled. "Did you ever speak lashon try to draw them closer with bonds of hara?" he asked the questioner. "Did they love and not to push rl1e1n away. A youth throw you out of the yeshiva as a result? who became a mechallel Shabbos later What difference does it make what aveira asked his father to buy him a car. The he did? Surely he is not chayav mesa (liable father agreed on condition that he clusion that many younger bachurim for capital punishment) for these actions." promise not to drive on Shabbos. The were getting lost there, and felt despon­ When asked how a school should deal son refused to promise and the tension dently alone and helpless. He request­ with a child in the class whose parents between father and son rose sharply. The ed Rabbi Yaakov Eidelstein, then study­ are mechallelei Shabbos, he replied that Chazon !sh, however, advised the father ing in Ponovezh, to organize the older one must never disgrace parents in the to give his son the car without any con­ bachurim to learn with younger ones. eyes of their children. ditions, for in that way he would have "If they refuse with the excuse that they On one occasion, the Chazon !sh much more influence over him. have no time for anything but learning;' decided that a student should be he told Rabbi Eidelstein, "ask them how expelled from his yeshiva. Nevertheless OUR OBLIGATION TO they have time to put on tefillin every he made the expulsion contingent on EVERY JEWISH CHILD day. Tell them;' the Chazon !sh con­ several conditions. The Rosh Yeshiva was tinued, "You put on tefillin because it required to first establish a regular learn­ ny child who does not receive a is a mitzva. Well, helping younger ing seder with him. proper Jewish education was in bachurim is no less a mitzva than "First begin learning with him," the A the Chazon lsh's eyes an orphan, putting on tefillin."' Chazon !sh insisted, "and only afterwards and accordingly, there is a mitzva min can you notify him of his expulsion.And HaTorah to take pity on him and pro­ THE ULTIMATE ZECHUS you must continue learning with him vide him with a Torah education. thereafter, as well. In this way, he will be The Chazon !sh was once asked if en Torah whose father died able to deal with the trauma of expul­ students who frequented inappropriate ame to the Chazon !sh for sion and will be in a learning framework places were in the halachic category of }Jdvice. He wanted to establish a until he finds a new yeshiva:' a talmid she'eino hagun, to whom it is free loan fund to perpetuate his father's The Rosh Yeshiva involved related that not permitted to teach Torah ( Yoreh memory. The Chazon !sh responded that student became a great Torah sage De'ah 246:7). The Chazon !sh replied, that while it would be a great merit for and Rosh Yeshiva. And the once wayward "That halacha does not apply today. In the deceased to establish a free loan fund youth admitted that if his rebbe had not previous generations, Torah study was in his memory, it would be an even big­ drawn him near, he does not know ifhe for the entire community. The Rav gave ger zechus to learn with a weaker stu­ would even be Jewish today. shiurim in the shul and everyone under­ dent, build him up and put him on his The Chazon !sh followed the same stood that they had to attend. Of course feet, and help make him into a ben approach with girl's schools. Asked there were always a few degenerate indi­ Torah. When that young man marries, about the possibility of expelling of a girl viduals who had no desire to learn and his children will also be bnei Torah, and from school, he replied. "Capital cases came only because of societal pressure. their children as well. Establish a free­ require a beis din of 23 judges." It was those whom Chazal classified as loan-fund, and you will benefit a lim­ In those instances where he permit­ ones to whom one should not teach ited number of people. But if you build ted the school to expel the girl, he stip­ Torah. But the youth of today, who come a weak boy into a ben Torah the poten­ ulated that the school find some other on their own free will and seriously want tial merit is limitless and will sustain arrangement for her to ensure that she to learn, even though they do not yet your father's neshama for eternity. not land in the street. "Nowadays;' he keep all the mitzvos, are not considered The Chazon !sh had a powerful love told Rabbi Avrohom Wolf (founder of to be talmidim she' einam hagunim. for every Jewish child and his actions the Bais Yaakov high school of Bnei One should teach them Torah." and activities were an outgrowth of that Brak), "as a result of the influence of the love. He once told his nephew Rabbi street, all girls, even those who have par­ LIKE PUTTING ON TEFTLLIN Shlomka Berman, that Roshei Yeshiva are ents, are like orphans. And one doesn't generally concerned primarily with the throw orphans into the street." he obligation to help weaker good of the public, with what's good for talmidim, the Chazon !sh held, is their yeshiva or for the Yeshiva World as THE MECHALLEL SHABBOS CHILD Tnot only the province of the edu­ a whole. But what is right for the yeshi­ cator. It extends to every ben Torah as va, is not necessarily beneficial for the hen asked how parents well. On the basis of"talking in learn­ individual student. "I look at it differ­ should treat their children ing" with students of Ponovezher Yeshi­ ently. To me every individual is an entire W who have gone "off the va, the Chazon !sh came to the con- Kial:' •

14 The Jewish Observer, November 1999 CHILDREN ON THE FRINGE ..• AND BEYOND Rabbi Shlomo Wolbe Basic Principles of Parenting Rabbi Wolbe N"l7'7w. author of Alei Shur and other works, is one of the foremost living educators and mussar personalities. He delivers shmuessen in many yeshivas including Mirrer Yeshiva, Yeshiva Kol Torah, and the Lehmann Bais Hamussar in Jerusalem. This article is an abridged selection from the forthcoming Planting And Building In Education (Feldheim Publishers) by Rabbi Wolbe, which was prepared for publication by Rabbi Leib Kelemen.

INTRODUCTION priately sophisticated requests, and is. Our intentions are good: we want to forcing him to attempt tasks that are build the child. However, a child cannot ducation is a task that parents nat­ beyond his ability could seriously dam­ be built from demands he cannot satis­ urally long to perform; from deep age his long-term spiritual development. fy. Instead, the child will be damaged. And Ewithin themselves, parents yearn to This concept presents a clear chal­ that form of damage is especially devas­ educate their children properly. But lenge to parents. Parents must recognize tating at a younger age, since interference education is also a science. It cannot be the child's exact level of development with the planting process profoundly mastered after a bit of casual considera­ and constantly adjust their expectations affecto growth later on. tion or by depending on one's hunches. to the child's changing abilities. If par­ 3. Parents sometimes push their chil­ Parents and teachers cannot rely on their ents demand too much, making dren into aspects of prayer for which they intuition alone and assume that is requests that the child is not mature are unprepared. There are schools today enough and everything will turn out all enough to obey, they sabotage the edu­ that, based on the advice of Rabbi Yaakov right. cational process. Expectations beyond Kamenetsky, only teach young children Nowadays, few people understand that the child's grasp will not stimulate devel­ morning blessings and Shema, and delay education is a field that requires study opment. Rather, the child must progress introducing them to more of the Siddur and preparation. Unfortunately, often at his own pace, passing one by one until age seven. Before seven years old, even teachers lack this awareness. In order through the various stages of childhood. prayer is burdensome and children will to educate children properly, we must Three examples will illustrate our do anything they can to escape it. By seven understand what education really means. point: years old, most children can understand Sometimes we use methods that are 1. Parents often don't take play seri­ what prayer is and they are able to counterproductive because we assume ously enough. Rabbi Yisrael Salanter approach it with sufficient seriousness and that they contribute to the educational explains that when a child taking a bath respect. Children introduced to prayer at process, but further investigation - pretends that a block of wood is a boat, this stage don't need to unlearn bad habits especially keeping the long-term in and we take that block away from him, they might have picked up earlier, and mind- actually reveals that these tech­ the child experiences the same trauma as consequently, they have an easier time niques hinder education. an adult would feel if he owned a ship and relating properly to prayer for the rest of Finally, we must acknowledge that, it sunk. A child cares about his toy boat their lives. ultimately, everything depends on in exactly the same way as an adult would Hashem. Even after careful study of all care about his ship. When we interfere SELF-IMPROVEMENT the components of education, we must with their playing for no good reason, we still pray that Hashem will be satisfied are hurting our children. bbi Chaim of Volozhin says with our efforts and grant us success. 2. Certain expectations are so wide­ hat those who get angry easily spread and accepted that we don't both­ re exempt from the obligation to AGE APPROPRIATENESS er evaluating whether they are age­ rebuke inappropriate behavior. Since the appropriate. For example, we expect our Torah includes the instruction to edu­ ur educational efforts during children to remain at the table through­ cate our children in the more general each stage must match the out the Shabbos meals, even though these commandment to give rebuke, it would Ochild's true level of develop­ meals sometimes last for hours. A young seem to follow that those who anger eas­ ment. It is counterproductive to make child cannot sit quietly for so long. This ily would be exempt from the com­ demands of a child that, because of his is far beyond his ability. He must frolic. mandment to teach their children. age and level of development, he can­ If we force him to sit, we are demanding However, they cannot be exempt from not possibly comprehend or fulfill. A behavior he is not capable of, and we do the commandment to teach their chil­ child loathes and often shirks inappro- not need to explain how destructive this dren, since ultimately a parent remains

The Jewish Observer, November 1999 15 a parent, and a parent is by definition, ple and have a close, warn1 relationship an educator. There is no option here but with their children, then sons will want to ~" Invei to exercise self-control. be like their futher and daughters will want A person who does not work on to be like their mother. However, if par­ B~(\c- Hagefen improving his character cannot be a prop­ ents demand of their children behavior or ~C,S(r er parent or teacher. This is not always easy. traits that the parents themselves don't ~~(., ( The Shidduch service Parents and teachers must set aside time exhibit, the parents risk completely cor­ C..t...l for older singles to develop themselves, especially their rupting their children. lL A project of N'shei patience. One who lacks this trait certainly Agudath Israel with will not succeed at educating others. FALSE GOALS Agudath Israel of America The greatest parental obligation is to 6619 13th Avenue, Brooklyn, NY 11219 set a good example. Every child natural­ arents often act towards their Tel. (718) 256-7525 •Fax (718) 256-7578 ly wants to identify with his parents and children in a way they think is imitate them. If parent< set a sterling exam- Peducational, but which, in reality, hasn't the slightest connection to their children's education. At the root of such behavior are selfish, egotistic motiva­ A SPECIAL YEAR. •. Shaindy Pinter, the tions. Sometimes the parents are driven 0 ur first 9tl1 Grade nC\V school is by completely evil emotions, traits that providing the is being con1n1cndcd We the parents would consider abhorrent if talrrtidos of its t\vo fOr its pursuit of other adults displayed them. However, 9th grade classes excellence in we might exhibit these very traits in our \\1th an enriched education. They are relationships with our children and con­ and \vell rounded part of the sider them acceptable. They include: Made education in both commitment of jealousy, dislike, pursuit of honor, anger, Limudei Kodesh 1\!la<;ores Bais Yaakov conceit, and especially a desire to con­ and secLilar studies. High School to tl1e trol. Parents often want complete con­ develop1ncnt of a true trol over their children: "The child is ~e A LEARNING mine, and I have the right to exercise Bas Yisroel, inculcated LABORATORY••• \.V'ith lifelong Torah unconditional authority over him." VVith innovative and Here are a few examples of some evil values, nlidos and creative learning emotions and what they can prompt us hashkotOs. Grade prograi11s, Masores as parents to do: Bais Yaakov High ('"1) ' Jealousy: If I see that the neighbor's AN EDUCATIONAL School pro\1dcs child helps his parents more than my EXPERIENCE••• students '"1th the child helps me, I feel jealous. I wonder: Under the illrcction Next Year knowledge and skills why doesn't my child help more? Then, ofRabbi Yosef M. Gel­ to help tl1em if I force my child to help more, I prob­ man, together "1th succeed in lifC. In ably am not doing it for educational rea­ Mrs. Nechama Drill­ Your Daug~ter ~an pursuit of excellence, sons (i.e., with a deep understanding of man, Mrs. 'I"sivia they are part of an my child and what is appropriate for Yanofsky and Mrs. Make llie Graue unparalleled lean1ing him), but simply hecause I am jealous of my neighbor and his child. Honor seeking: If guests visit, I J.j7V' n11M n11on pJ•n want my child to greet them nicely and behave pleasantly - not necessarily for MASORES BAIS YUKOV HIGH SCHOOl the sake of my child's growth, but so that FOR INFORMATION ON REGISTRATION AND ENTRANCE EXAMINATIONS PLEASE CAIL: my guests will compliment me on my 1395 OCEAN AVENUE, BROOKLYN, NY 11230 superb job of childraising. Then I feel 718 692-2424 good. Anger: 1 feel anger whenever some­ one goes against my will. "When it comes to children, there is plenty of opportu­ nity for anger since children often don't behave exactly as we would like.

16 The Jewish Observer, November 1999 There arc many other negative traits that we display in our relationships with < , ',,,, ',-,' ,',,, , ", ',- , ,,_,,, ,,, our children. However, we try to con­ ceal our real motivations behind the ··wyoususJ)ectthat·.yaurinfant rationalization that what we are demanding is really"necessary for edu­ or toddler has difficulty with ... cational purposes." If out of anger I strike my child, I might excuse myself Ill Comrnunication by saying that it was"educationally nec­ Ill Listening/Speaking skills essary:' If out of jealousy of my neigh­ bor I force my child to do something, I Ill Physical development/Coordination can fool myself into believing that this too was "educationally necessary:' If I Ill Play skills/Living Skills i.e. eating, dressing want others to think highly of me through my dear child and, therefore, We can help! compel him to act in a particular fash­ ion, this too I can justify as "educa­ Early tionally necessary:' Jn short, exercising total control over my child for entirely Intervention selfish reasons can be wrongly justified [IJNE~~~~::. Program as necessary for his education. ® When we deceive ourselves in this manner, the net result is that we don,t Netcare's team of evaluators and therapists can make a difference. see the child for who he is. We see the They are specially trained to provide children with the opportunity child strictly as our property. We think to develop their full potential and to help you further promote their that his purpose on earth is to benefit development. us, the parents. 'fhis is not to say that we parents don't feel a responsibility to Au services are free of charge and available at the child's home care for our children. We do. However, or day care center throughout NYC & Westchester. too often we care for them as we care Weekdays, Sundays, Daytime & Evening Hours. for our property and do with them as :.:.. Evaluations in your language ·J; Special Instruction we please. We 1nust recognize that pursuit of :.:.. Speech/Language Therapy :.:.. Parent Training these selfishly motivated educational :.:: Occupational & Physical Therapy 'J; Psychological Counseling goals is not education at all. In fact, it :.:.. Service Coordination & Social Work Services ... and more often accomplishes the opposite. Joseph Geliebter, Ph.D. Leah Schlager, M.A. THEIR NEEDS; NOT OURS Executive Director Director of Placement

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The Jewish Observer, November 1999 17 accept all the indulgent pampering, but Torah scholar, communal authority, or his inborn inclinations. The parent it can ruin their character. G-d forbid, honored professional - tries to vicari­ spiritually strangles the child by repeat­ overindulgence often produces egoism ously fulfill himself through his child. ing, '(You will be a person of stature, you and selfishness, as the Torah hints: He decides, "My child will achieve will learn what I never learned and will "Yeshurun became fat and rebelled." what I did not!" However, the child, reach heights that I never reached!" The poor thing, might have different natur­ child is torn between his own nature and THEIR DREAMS; NOT OURS al talents that would better be used in his desire to make his parents happy. a different field. The child even might What he is fit to do, his parents won't n a similar vein, sometimes a parent have started down his own path and allow him to pursue. That which his par­ who failed to earu the status he might be experiencing real growth and ents force upon him, he has no interest I dreamed of in his youth - being a success, and still the parent tries to crush in. The result is failure. Certainly, we think, his way should be our way! And we set out to make it so. OK ISRAEL PRAYER ur primary obligation as parents is to pray for our children, and 0 this obligation begins even before they are born. We can never pray enough for our SPECIAL WINTER PACKAGE children. The obligation is infinite. Our Sages did not prescribe any par­ ticular petition. Instead, we are given ~ Round Trip Airfare on El Al ~ 7Night Stay in Jerusalem at Choice Hotels the opportunity to pour out our hearts in prayer, and so we must do, each of us ~ 3Midweek &2 Shabbat Dinners ~ Full Lavish Israeli Buffet Brea~ast Daify composing our own personal entreaty. Our words should address the ~ Special Car Rental add·on available ~ Hotel Taxes &Service Cha~e Included moment's needs and concerns.I llased oo dble occupancy. Restrictioos app~ Prayer is perhaps the most important ingredient for a successful education. We are deceiving ourselves if we think that our children's future rests in our hands YOUR CHOICE OF alone. Everything depends on the Holy One. However, our children have been Jerusalem Hilton or Laromme $1349 deposited with us, and we must do everything we can for our precious Sheraton Plaza* or Dan Pea~* $1149 trusts, including praying for them fre­ quently.

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18 The Jewish Observer, November 1999 uate the child's "own way." those lessons he won't abandon even unchanged. Then, when he is old We all know that a banana plant and when he grows older. The idea here is enough to flee our influence, his real an apple tree require different treatment. that a person cannot change his way; inclination will resurface and he will If we take care of a banana plant and an that is, he cannot alter the qualities indulge in it, behaving however he likes, apple tree in the same way, at best, one bequeathed by his mazal. abandoning the ill-suited education we of them won't flourish, and it is possi­ The Gaon's comments offer great tried to foist upon him. ble that neither will bear fruit. So, too, insight into raising children: A physically The Gaon concludes: with children. We must try to under­ active child cannot be transformed This is what the verse means, 'Edu­ stand the child's individual personality into someone who sits and reads twen­ cate a child according to his own way' and take it into account when making ty hours a day. If we force such a child - according to his mazal and his all our educational decisions. to sit, we could actually damage him. nature. If we take into account the On the verse in Mishlei mentioned Moreover, even if we succeed at physi­ child's nature when we educate him to above, the Vilna Gaon comments: cally controlling the child in the short perform mitzvos, then he won't aban­ Educate a child according to his term, that control is entirely external. don that education even when he "own way" when he is still young, and The child will remain internally grows older. But if we try to force a

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The Jewish Observer, November 1999 19 child against his nature, he will listen now out of fear, but later, when he passes out of our jurisdiction, he will abandon our lessons, since a person cannot change his mazal. Personal responsibility throughout service - NOT JUST "PAPERWORK" If we force a child down a path inap­ ORIGINATOR OF THE PRESENT RABBINICALLY APPROVED METHOD propriate for his personality, he will lis­ Highly recommended by Gedolai Hador- Here and in Eretz Yisrael ten now and we won't detect the dam­ 104.1-42nd Street, Brooklyn, NY 11219 age we have done. But much later, when Day&Nightphone: (718) 851-8925 he matures and no longer fears us, then )))t»l:lN1~1:lNi7 ))l"i7 - 1'1~ 1Nl nll:lll)) '1l~ he will stop listening. This is a funda­ a-I Shel™"' widi Mesmo Ndfsli...as undmmodand po¥liJudaism entirely and and hotD much we overspend// There's great pleasure in knowing married a secular woman. And all this another couple will dance too. flowed from a well-intentioned educa­ Your work is tremendous tion, directed toward producing anoth­ How can we thank you? er great Torah scholar. The father's trag­ ic error was his failure to take into Sincerely, account children's nature in general and Mimi and David this specific child's personality. Such an approach often produces horrible results. This poem wa'i received by Yad Eliezer along with a wedding sponsorship. You too can change the life of a soon to be married couple! LONG-TERM EDUCATION Sponsor a Yael Eliezer wedding - Imagine how much more beautiful your own wedding will be. • Creating the Bond The Gitty Perkowski Simcha Fund ofYad Eliezer Ideally, our educational strategy should be a long-term plan. Parents Rabbi and Mrs. Zevi Trenk Mr. and Mrs. ?.oily Tropper 1586 E. 9th St. 1102 E. 26th St. must build a powerfully warm bond Brooklyn. N.Y. 11230 Brooklyn. N.Y. 11210 with their children while they are still young, so that even the stress of ado­ lescence cannot break it. When the child Wedding sponsorships are $1000 for a whol.e is only two or three years old, we should already be laying the groundwork for wedding and $500 for a half of a wedding. handling the child's contrariness at age fourteen or fifteen - and this is only done

------20 The Jewish Observer, September 1999 by building intimacy and trust. ter short-ter1n results using a harsh chocolate, this is also a rod, but it is a • Consistency approach, but "the wise man looks rod of pleasantness. Generally, we should not make too ahead:' Parents who know the secret of When we read the verse, "He that many demands on our children. How­ providing a lasting education - a long­ spares his rod hates his child;' we must ever) we n1ust be careful to stand by term perspective - will be careful not to ren1ember that there are two sorts of whatever demands we make. Once par­ be seduced by the promise of immedi­ rods - violent ones, and pleasant ones. ents decide that a request is appropri­ ate results. Why read the verse as a requirement to ate and necessary, and they articulate Often when a child won't listen, par­ beat a child, when there are other ways that request, then they must stand ents deliver a few blows to elicit instant - better ways - to encourage and guide firm. They must fully expect the child obedience, and then congratulate them­ the child's growth? to accept the request. Of course, the selves, "Ah, we know how to get results!" We cannot imagine how much we request must be made in a wise 1nan­ 1~his is a very premature ceJebration. damage a child when we strike him. ner - to obviate the need to hit or Parents might pay for their rashness Rabbi Eliyahu Lopian once instructed scream, while inspiring the child to when their child turns fourteen or fif­ me, "We only deal with children in a honor the request. teen years old, and then it will be pleasant way:' He told me that late in life extremely difficult to repair the damage. he came to regret the few spankings he HARSHNESS: EDUCATIONAL MYOPIA had given his children when they were PUNISHMENT young. Rabbi Lopian raised eleven chil­ hen parents relate harshly to dren, many of whom headed leading their two, three or four ycar­ his is a topic that interests n1any yeshivas later on - and he rejected spank­ W old child - when they hit the people. To my distress, there is a ing. child or make demands beyond the T widespread belief that punish­ In this regard, I want to add a per­ child's abilities - they destroy the like­ n1ent is the most important education­ sonal observation. The Gemora (Kid­ lihood of ever building the crucial, warm al tool available to both parents and dushin 30) records a discussion about relationship their child will desperate­ teachers. the age when it is no longer suitable to ly need to have with them in a decade. Fascination with punishment stems spank a child: is it age sixteen or twen­ Harshness is insidious, for the dis­ from parents' desire to control their chil­ ty-four? The Gemora gives the reason tance it produces is not always imme­ dren. A person feels that as long as he why striking older children is prohibit­ diately apparent. The toddler still needs has the ability to punish, he also has con­ ed: The parent is putting a stumbling his parents. But later, when the child trol. Schoolteachers often feel this way block in front of his child since the child reaches his teenage years, parents begin too. might rebel and attempt to strike back to con1plain, "I don't understand what's Such an approach is totally perverse at the parent. Today, we find that a par­ with my child. He never talks with me. and unworthy of professional educators; ent who even strikes a three year old is He never shares anything with me. I have the same is true for parents. The "When no idea what's going on with him:' should I punish?" perspective is corrupt When parents experiencing this rejec­ and undermines all prospects for a ~SUITS SUITS tion approach me for advice, I often ask, healthy education. With 2pair of pants "Tell me, did you strike the child when One might argue that Jewish sources he was two or three?" 1'he parent usu­ approve of punishment. An explicit verse 10off.reg%_ 15 O/o 0~$149 ally responds, "Of course, but only for even warns us, "He that spares his rod the sake of the child's education:' Then hates his child." Many people feel this /ow price f.q<,..,,, Ii. 99 I must offer the painful explanation, verse requires us to beat our children. ..-...o1.w "Now you are paying for the blows you Elsewhere, however, we find anoth­ gave him back then." The blows and er verse: "And I took for myself two rods; harsh treatment seethe in the child's sub­ the one I called pleasantness and the Italian Wool conscious, often without even the child's other I called beating, and I herded the WINTER COATS awareness. The events remained con­ flock" (Zacharia 11:7). The verse men­ PANTS cealed within the child's soul until tions two rods: one that we use to beat, $49-$52 adolescence reveals the deep wounds. and another that we can also use to edu­ 10::?~ Washable Pants $23 & Up Usually too late, parents realize that they cate, but through pleasantness - the rod have damaged their relationship with the of pleasantness. We must recognize that child. For the parents, this is terribly the rod of pleasantness is also a rod, but painful. For the child this is terribly it causes no pain. When I offer encour­ destructive. agement, this too is a rod. If a child per­ Sometimes it seems that we get bet- forms well and I give him a piece of

The Jewish Observer, September 1999 21 putting a stumbling block before him. much worse than a light spanking. is Rabbi Chaim's ruling today, espe­ The child's rebellion is visible; he clear­ Of course, it is sometimes difficult cially when it comes to disciplining ly wants to hit back. Often the child will for a parent to restrain himsel£ We can children. raise his fist in response, but he can't imagine such a scenario: A father reach up to his parent's cheek. There is comes home late, tired and hungry. THREATS only frantic motion, but the meaning of The children, seeing their father for the that motion is clear. The child has been first time since morning, begin clam­ hreats impair growth and driven to rebel, and the ramifications of oring for his attention. The mother is should, therefore, be avoided. this rebellion must be taken into also exhausted. Her temper is short. It TThis is not to say that we should account. is bedtime, but despite the mother's never place demands on our child, or In previous generations the situa­ aggravated insistence, the children that we should give in to our child tion was different. Children were more refuse to go to bed. The father, influ­ whenever he throws a tantrum. We tolerant and could more easily accept enced by the rising tide of anger in the must do what is right regardless of a spanking. Children also had a more household, raises his voice too. Under pressure from the child. Still, we don't positive self-image and were not so such circumstances, staying in control want to give our children the impres­ badly damaged by a few blows. Today, of oneself is very difficult. Still, one sion that they are living in a threaten­ however, our children's whole envi­ must remember that screaming does ing environment. We should find a ronment is suffused with rebellion. serious damage. positive way to transmit our requests. If a parent tries to subdue his child In the early nineteenth century, This is infinitely better than the neg­ with a beating, he can damage the child Rabbi Chaim Volozhin declared, ative approach, the threatening and his relationship with the child. "These days, people will not listen to approach. Then, when the child matures, he will harsh language:' If we speak to people What should we do when a child close himself off from his parents and harshly, they cannot hear what we are doesn't listen? We should express our it will already be too late to rebuild a saying. People only hear soft, pleasant request repeatedly and in different trusting, open relationship. language. We have no choice but to ways until the child hears and appre­ speak softly. Rabbi Chaim Volozhin ciates what we are asking. This is part HARSH LANGUAGE concluded, "And someone whose of the wisdom of education: knowing nature makes it difficult for him to how to speak and when to speak. nother technique as destructive speak softly, or who angers easily Parents must watch how they speak. as spanking, or perhaps even when others misbehave or refuse to lis­ A child can be adversely affected by A worse, is yelling. When a parent ten, is exempt from the commandment hearing an inappropriate word or dis­ screams at his child, bystanders can to offer rebuke:' This was Rabbi Chaim honorable expression even once. Also, easily detect the child's terror. Scream­ Volozhin's ruling over 140 years ago: a child is quite sensitive to his parents' ing so powerfully affects the child's One who angers easily cannot rebuke relationship with each other. He hears nerves that he begins to shake. It is another. How much more applicable screaming. He notices anger. It is impossible to calculate precisely how spiritually destructive an improper example can be. iiELlilAn li:Ui>IO.) THE SHABBOS TABLE habbos should be pleasant, and not oppressive .... There are those QUALITY SERVICES Sparents who insist on their chil­ Since 1966 dren's presence at the table the whole FOR time and like to show off how well­ trained their children are. This is THE FINEST inadvisable. IN· 1 When children reach an appropri­ 1111111 ate age to stay at the table, we can attract them with beautiful stories about the weekly parasha, or stories about tzaddikim, or anything else that creates a fascinating experience and draws them into the event. Children

22 The Jewish Observer, November 1999 should yearn for Shabbos. "You can't understand this," "You'll that ages sixteen to twenty-four are It is also possible to include the chil­ understand when you're older," or ideal for this sort of clarification. Of dren in the Shabbos preparations, not 'Talmud recom­ Torah and performance of mitzvos. Make the child feel like your partner mends that we take this soft approach When he himself wants to grow, then while he is assisting you, so he will until age twelve. Of course, today the we have hit the center of the educa­ feel good about himself and the age has changed, and what was once tional target. kindness he is doing. If you include only appropriate until age twelve is Education is compared to lighting your child in your chores, this gives now appropriate until age twenty. the menora in the Temple. "When you him a boost in his self-image. Since Until age twenty we must "roll with" lift up the flames;' the verse says; and assisting his parents raises the child's our child. Rashi comments: The pilot torch must stature in his eyes, he happily volun­ be held in place until the flames rise teers and gets accustomed to helping REBUKE independently from the menora's lamp. others. In large families this process A parent must ignite the soul of his usually happens naturally, with the arlier we referred to the Talmu­ child so that the flames of love for Torah older children taking care of the dic discussion about the age burn on their own. • younger ones. The older children when a child is no longer fit for E 1 spontaneously begin to take respon­ rebuke: either sixteen or twenty-four. I A general forn1ula exists, passed down to us from sibility for their younger siblings Me'iri strikes an interesting compro­ the Chazon !sh. Many people include this for­ mula in their Shemoneh Esrei, and/or recite it after and help them when they need it. mise, explaining that the ideal age for Shabbos and Yorn Tov candle lighting: This is exemplary education. rebuke is between sixteen and twenty­ May it be Your Will Hashe1n, my G-d and G-d four years old. of my forefathers, that You have mercy on 1ny QUESTIONS Rebuke consists of clarification. We child !name of son/daughter], and that You move his/her heart to love and fe

The Jewish Observer, November 1999 23 EARLY INTERVENTION

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Dealing with Tile Dilemmas of Kids-At-Risk

Interview With Rabbi Shmuel Kamenetsky N"V''ni

n the complex, confusing field of ing under the same roof. This should work: the extraordinary emphasis on dealing with children at risk, the apply as long as the child exhibits luxurious living that has engulfed our I heart often says no while the mind respect for his or her parents. society. Among those who have already says yes ... or the reverse. One yearns for Once the line is crossed, however, and attained their desired level of"good liv­ objective yet compassionate guidance, the child is consistently defiant of ing," many seem to become complete­ cognizant of the various pressures and parental authority, the child's presence ly involved in self-indulgence and the trends in contemporary society, capable in the house can have a destructive effect trappings of affluence; others, who of a response that encompasses Torah on siblings. Under such circumstances, have not yet realized their dreams, values) and sees beyond immediate rabbinical guidance must be sought as focus their hopes and their efforts on demands, to long-term implications. to whether an alternative place of resi­ doing so. In either case, people are los­ We have selected several questions that dence should be considered for the "dif­ ing their sensitivity to spiritual matters, deal with the entire phenomenon of chil­ ficult" child - not as an act of banish­ and their sensibilities are becoming dren at risk in the Torah community, and ment; to the contrary, he (or she) is still dulled as they become immersed in submitted them to Rabbi Shmuel a member of the family, but as a mea­ material longings and pursuits. Kamenetsky N""""" for comment. Rabbi sure of protection of the other children. If such is the Zeitgeist, should we be Kamenetsky is the Rosh Ha Yeshiva of the If at all possible, the substitute home shocked if children go astray and aban­ Talmudical Yeshiva of Philadelphia, chair­ should be with a relative or close friend. don Torah life? man of the Nesius (Presidium) of Agu­ II. JO: Besides the explosive growth One must add yet another factor. das Yisroel of America, Rabbinic Advisor of the yeitzer hara presence in the home Because of the extraordinary growth of of Agudas Yisroel's Project YES, and a - vividly conveying vulgar, immoral, the Torah community, schools are over­ member of the Rabbinical Administrative illicit images, via TV, video and the Inter­ crowded, and not every child receives the Board of Torah Umesorah, the American net - is there any explanation for the fact attention he or she requires to develop Society for Hebrew Day Schools. that the number of chareidi children on properly. Many children do not realize I. JO: As parents struggle to balance the fringe - and beyond - has explod­ their potential, and some simply slip their concern for their troublesome chil­ ed in the last several years, far more than between the cracks. Growth in numbers dren who are at risk, and their more anything Torah Jewry in America has calls for equal growth in personnel and conventional children, a question can experienced since World War II? individual attention. arise: Is there a point when a child is Rabbi Kamenetsky: One need not go Ill. JO: Are there legitimate grounds­ "sent out of the house," a point where beyond the corrosive effects of the academic, financial, or religious - for a tolerance and savlanus must be sacrificed entertainment and information media school to expel students? How far is the for the sal

The Jewish Observer, November 1999 25 Should parents heed their children's After all, every school does turn to the ly sensitive matter has been described as requests to transfer to a "less frum" community for financial support, and dinei nefashos - a life-and-death deci­ school as a means of stemming the the schools, in turn, have their obliga­ sion - and deserves to be weighed downward descent of the teen? tions to the community's children. accordingly. Rabbi Kamenetsky: A student's fail­ Other means for making up the deficit Parents may be reluctant to yield to ure to maintain minimum academic must be sought. their child's request to transfer to a requirements of his school does not con­ When a child does not conform to school with less-restrictive standards, but stitute grounds for expulsion. Should the school's code of conduct, a careful, should the child conform to the more it appear that he could gain more in painstaking evaluation must be made in liberal school's policies, he/she will be another school, the parents should be regard to the degree he/she disturbs the a member of good standing of an encouraged to transfer him, but he can­ class or is a detrimental influence on Orthodox society. This can be prefer­ not be forced out. other students. Of course, the child's able to being a non-conforming student Inability to make tuition payments is rebbe and teachers must be included in in a school of higher standards. not a basis for expulsion of a student. making this evaluation. This extreme- IV. JO: Can the various schools in a community be held accountable for dif­ ficult children; or can each school, indi­ vidually, simply shrug off kids-at -risk by claiming: "We're just not equipped to deal with your child. Try elsewhere."? Rabbi Kamenetsky: Once a child is enrolled in a yeshiva or Bais Yaakov, the school carries responsibility for his/her C"i~ i~~n development, and cannot shrug off this assignment or arbitrarily pass it on to others. Before enrollment, however, TIFERES MIRI the individual school has no obligation to accept a child it is not equipped to SCHOOL FOR GIRLS teach. When a child with difficulties is JUNIOR mGH &: mGH SCHOOL PROGRAMS not yet registered in a school, the com­ 6510 17th Avenue Brooklyn NI"" 11204 munity at large - or the schools of the Tlferea Miriam Offen AD Unpreccde- Opportunll:T For Glrbl SeeldDC All region - do have an obligation to Altensatlve ApplOllCh To Edueatloll insure that all boys and girls being grad­ uated from the S•h grade have a place to 10 REASONS WHY... learn, and either create a facility or pro­ gram to accommodate them or set up a system of assigning them to the par­ ticipating schools. V. JO: Does the Rosh Yeshiva have any additional comments to make on the topic? Rabbi Kamenetsky: Jn Bretz Yisroel, the yeshivas and Bais Yaakov schools are ahead of our schools in many ways, in the way they deal with kids-at-risk. For example, Lev L'Achim sponsors a free telephone help-line for high-school-age boys and girls: Lev Shame' a (the Lis­ tening Heart). This has proven to be an extremely effective source of guid­ ance and support system for young teens attempting to work out their problems. This specific program, FOR INFORMATION AND REGISTRATION CA11: among others, should have a counter­ part - a free-access 800 number, if you will - in America. •

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THE CHOFETZ CHAIM .%HERITAGE FOUNDATION THE MECHANECH'S PERSPECTIVE Rabbi Shloime Mandel WHERE RESPON INTERSECT A Rosh Yeshiva's View of "Kids at Risk"

hildren are the greatest beracha accordingly? must be based on love, and resonate with granted to a human being. Chil­ Though our schools have a great love. Cdren are our Jink to eternity, a impact upon our children, the influence The elderly Rabbi Tarfon posed a touch of immortality granted to us by of the home is still the greatest deter­ question in halacha, which was bril­ the supreme immortal Being, Hakadosh minant of children's future. All elements liantly resolved by the much younger Baruch Hu. When Rachel Imeinu was in our homes have to be in harmony Yehuda Ben Nechemia. A smile crept faced with barrenness, she begged with each other, like one orchestra. You onto Yehuda Ben Nechemia's face, and Yaakov Avinu, "Hava li banim v'im ayin cannot preach one approach, and prac­ Rabbi Akiva turned to him and said, nieisa anochi - Grant me children or I tice another. "Yehuda, you smile with satisfaction am dead" (Bereishis 30,1). Life is not Children will not grow up with a for having shown the elder that he's worth living for Rachel Imeinu if there co1n1nitment to kedusha when videos, wrong. It would greatly surprise me were no one through whom she could Internet, magazines, television - and if you were to live long'' (Menachos perpetuate those values that she held today, even newspapers - bring the most 68). dear and that she lived for. unacceptable experiences and concepts The Shita Mekubetzes states that And yet, sometimes this great into our homes. there is a word missing in the Gemora's beracha does not turn out the way we Two summers ago, I had occasion to call text. Rabbi Akiva actually prefaced his expect it to. Then the plea emerging the home of a bachur learning in a local comment with "Yehuda, Yehuda." It from our lips cries out, "Im kein lama Mesivta. His parents were still in the moun­ would appear that just as Hashem's rep­ zeh anochi - If this [child] be so, why tains. When he answered the phone, I could etition of a name - "Avraham, Avraham" should I go through this?" (ibid 25, 23) barely hear him as the noise level was so at the Akeida, and "Moshe, Moshe" at the When Rivka Imeinu suspected that her high. «Excuse me a moment," he said, "I Burning Bush - was meant to convey child would be traveling down a path of have to turn down the volume on the video." love', so too did Rabbi Akiva want to alien worship, those were the words that Irony of ironies, his parents were shep­ express love and caring for his disciple she uttered. Today this cry has become ping nachas from a hundred miles away by repeating his name before delivering a chorus, a chorus of parents wonder­ because their son had gone home early to his strong rebuke (see Rambam Hilchos ing what went wrong. How did this begin Mesivta! De'os 6:7). This implication is especially great beracha- this gift worth more than compelling, coming as it does from life itself - im ayin meisa anochi turn into THEARTOFTOCHACHA Rabbi Akiva, who lost thousands of dis­ lama zeh anochi. ciples for their not having conducted There is no foolproof guarantee that erhaps the most difficult and themselves with mutual respect. Thus a child will develop properly by virtue important art to be mastered by Rabbi Akiva said in effect, "Yehuda, I love of growing up in a beautiful home.' Pboth parent and mechanech is that you. How could you do something like Children cannot be raised on autopilot, of tochacha (reprimand). While we this?" on the assumption that they will "inher­ must rebuke our children when they do I and a number of baaleibattim had a it" the proper values from their parents wrong, we 1nust do it with obvious love meeting before last summer with several and grandparents. "Chinuch left to in our voices, our faces and our gestures. teenagers in the neighborhood - basically chance has no chance:' How then do we Shlomo Hamelech advises us that kids from "heimishe" backgrounds who have create a generation where all our chil­ "Hashem chastises the one He loves" been involved in almost everything, includ­ dren are iuculcated with Torah values, (Mishlei 3,12). One must emulate the ing drugs, immoral conduct, etc. They asked knowing right from wrong and acting Ribbono Shel Olam when exercising the the boys several questions, among them the Rabbi Shloime Mandel is Rosh Yeshiva of Yeshi­ responsibility of tochacha. Not only very legitimate query, "What are you doing va and Mesivta of Brooklyn. must the words be laced with love, they for the summer?" As one of the boys was

The Jewish Observer, November 1999 29 about to answer, the questioner interjected agenda. "Yaakov/Rivka, do you know WHO I REALLY AM, WHO I NEED TO BE - "Pot?" how you embarrass me? I'm ashamed The boy later said to me, "I know I'm a of what the neighbors think!" "How will he parents of one boy who had piece ofgarbage, but did they have to adver­ we be able to do shidduchim!" seemed hopelessly lost received a tise it in public? Maybe if he would have A parent called me saying that her hus­ Tletter from his Rosh Yeshiva, told me that I am a 'tyere Yiddish kindt' but band doesn't want to bring their son to the informing them that their son is a true fell and hurt myself, and he wants to help bungalow colony because he wears one of nachas. This bachur wrote the follow­ pick me up and think about the summer, I those flashy shirts that are not so acceptabe. ing note: "I really don't know how to would think differently about myself, My He actually wanted to leave their child in say it, but I feel like I just learned who problem is that I think of myself exactly as the city rather than be "shamed" by his I am. I need time to develop myself into he said it." mode of dress. The child must feel that you who I really need to be. I've set certain We must recognize that our children are looking out for his/her benefit when giv­ goals for myself: I put on tefillin every­ feel bad enough about failing. We must ing tochacha, not for your own. Tell the day, I try to have kavana as to what the preface our rebuke with an outpouring child, "Yankele, I love you. You are a ben words mean. I learn two times a week; of love, and deliver our mussarwith an Olam Habba. Stop and think: is this how I wish I could learn more, but it's hard. arm draped lovingly around the child's a ben Olam Habba would act in this situ­ I'll get there someday. I plan to get shoulder. Caring, love, and recognition ation?" somewhere in life." of a child are of utmost importance, and A member of the family told me that n1any times are crucial to what may EVERYONE'S OBLIGATION his mother never stopped davening transpire years later. This lesson must and never gave up on him. She told him be absorbed by parents and mechanchim ne cannot give up hope and that she believes in him, and that she still alike. must pursue every available loves him. A number of years ago, a Yungerman 0 avenue to turn a child To a great extent, the fault lies in who had been a talmid in our yeshiva for around. He/she is a Yiddishe neshama ourselves. We can blame friends, out­ a short period of time, approached me with lost or gone astray, waiting to be side influences, the yeshiva system, but a special request. Could I see to it that the retrieved. A former Rebbe, counselor, basically, it is we who must mend our Rebbe he had had in our yeshiva receive friend or neighbor who has a good ways if we want to stem the tide that $100 extra every month, without his know­ rapport with the child can be engaged threatens to overtake so many among ing from whom the money is coming? I to strike up or rekindle some kind of us. How can we prevent the blessing agreed, and he has continued to do so until relationship with him/her. We all have we plead for "Hava Ii banim, im ayin today. I didn't ask him any questions. a responsibility to do our utmost to meisa anochi" from becoming" Lama Recently, he revealed his reason: "All my life, redirect the struggling, straying zeh anochi!" By removing the my parents and the yeshivas I attended neshama. "anochi" - the self-centeredness - treated me like a nobody - always finding A Yungerman approached me not long from being the primary focus of our fault with me. No warmth, no love. This ago with a perplexed look on his face, fol­ relationships with our spouses, we can Rebbe made me feel like a mentsch, caring lowed by a question on behalf of his create shalom bayis, so essential to and feeling for me. In my mind, he stands friends: "We found out that you have been nurturing Yiddishe neshamos. By out with glowing warmth, and I will never very involved with a group of boys who taking the "anochi" out of our chin­ forget him." dared break in and desecrate the yeshiva. uch and the reprimands to our chil­ A major pitfall to avoid when giving If anyone should be upset with them, it is dren, we can build a relationship tochacha is inserting our own personal you. How and why do you sacrifice so much based on mutual love and trust. By time and effort on their behalffor over a half taking the "anochi" out of our atti­ year?" tudes towards yeshivas, we can place HELP for Parents of Teens at RISK I took off my watch and asked him if this responsibility where it really belongs. $25 watch were lying on the ground, lost by By abrogating the" anochi" and pros­ one of these terrible boys-on drugs, mechal­ trating ourselves in tefilla before the lel Shabbos -what would he do? He looked Ribbono Shel Olam, we can all be M.A.S.Il at me with puzzlement, and said, "I would zocheh to the true Yiddish nachas that i\fothers Aligned Saving Kids track him down and return it to him." we long for. • When I asked why, his wonder and dismay 1 Support Groups • Referrals • Hotline were even more evident, "What do you See commentary of Rabbi Moshe Feinstein ?":it mean? I have an obligation of hashavas in Darash Moshe, in regard to Yitzchak Avinu's fathering Eisav even though he himself had been aveida.'" brought up in the home of his extraordinary par­ (718) 758-0400 '?\ lost $25 watch is hashavas aveida and ents, Avraham and Sarah. a lost neshama is not hashavas aveida?" 2 See Rashi, Bereishis 11, 22

30 The Jewish Observer, November 1999 TuE MECHANECH'S PERSPECTIVE Mrs. Rochel Leah Frankel

Teacher's List of (not o'r Don'ts!)

CLEAR CONCERN Even when a talmida knows that about something to have answered the you care about her and that her suc­ teacher like that," I finally said. almidos are influenced by those cess is your number one goal, there She looked up at me in surprise. "Haw they believe care about them may be times when she feels you could did you know that I was so upset?!" I T and are concerned for their wel­ not possibly understand her. Perhaps explained that both she and I knew that fare. If we are to make a difference in she thinks you cannot relate to her sit­ chutzpa was unacceptable, and as such, a student's life, we must make it clear uation since you appear to be too frum, she must have lost herself We discussed tbat her well-being and success is our mature, smart, or different from her. the source of the problem and some poten­ goal.' All those in the field of chinuch Putting yourself in her shoes, convey­ tial solutions. I pointed out that her habanos are here because they care. We ing an understanding of her struggles remarks had not helped solve her prob­ know that, but it is not enough for us or difficulties can prevent such a sit­ lem. On the contrary, they had given her to know; our students must know it, too. uation. another problem to deal with. We both Sara Laya left the office in a huff. The agreed that chutzpa was uncalled for even very fact that the principal could say this UNDERSTANDING THEIR STRUGGLES when one is upset, and left with a line of to me, she thought, shows that she does­ communication and understanding open n't even know n1e or care about me. She very glum and dejected Tali sat for the future. doesn't begin to comprehend who I am. before me. "It's no use. I give up. All she cares about is the "school's name." A I will never be a real Bais Yaakov EXPLAIN IT IN THEIR TERMS It may come as a surprise that the girl. I just am not like the rest ofyou." I advice offered was rejected. Not because inquired haw she felt she differed from here are times when a student is it wasn't sound advice. Not because it "us." "Oh, just that you are all so good, convinced of the truth of her case. didn't hit home. But simply because the being tzniusdig seems to come naturally T She sincerely feels that a teacher student felt that her well-being was not to you. Do you know what an effort it is is wrong, she knows a Rav who disagrees the issue. Even when there is obvious­ for me? What a constant battle it is?" with school policy. It serves no purpose ly no personal motive, the student "Welcome to reality, 1"'ali." I said, "No to lock horns with her. No one wins in must be made aware that all you seek is one has it easy. Each person faces diffi­ such a situation. It is as though she her benefit. When a student threw me culties an her level. Each of us has our wears a sign proclaiming: "My mind is the line, "You only care about the awn struggles ...." made up, so don't confuse me with the "school's name;' I turned to her and said, A little glimpse into the daily tug-of­ facts!" Listen to her. Let her have her "What is a school? A school is not a sep­ war all students face was all she need­ say. I didn't say I agree with her. Then arate entity, a monolithic monster. A ed to realize she was as "nor1nal" as the very gently use her own argument or school is made up of individuals, yechi­ rest. Even more so, she needed to real­ logic to point out flaws in her conclu­ dos. If every girl has a good name, a ize that teachers also have their own sion. shem tov, then the school has a good struggles. Rina politely informed me that she name. So all I am concerned with is Taking the time to understand a stu­ would no longer be able to sit in Morah you." With that, we sat down to address dent's personal struggles can also diffuse L's shiurim. Even her parents agreed the issues at hand. a potential situation. with her, that this teacher was just not Mrs. Rochel L. Frankel has been involved in chin­ Fraidy sat before me, defiance oozing equipped to discuss the subject involved. uch habanos on the high school level for over a from her every fiber. Her remark was out She was so narrow-minded and not in decade, most recently as li1nudei kodesh princi­ ofline, but how was I going to explain that sync with the school's policies. I heard pal of a Bais Yaakov in Monsey, NY. to her effectively? "You must be very upset her out. I commented on haw difficult

The Jewish Observer, November 1999 31 it must be for her to sit in class and take never thought of it from that perspective. Students do not function in a void. notes in a class given by a teacher she Needless to say, she continued to attend They are members of a class, but they clearly disagrees with. I commended her the shiurim and became an active par­ are also daughters, sisters and friends. on her high grades in the subjects taught ticipant in the lessons. They bring all sorts of "baggage" to by that particular Morah, and then school in their designer backpacks. We calmly turned to her and said: "So you KNOW YOUR STUDENTS must diagnose the issues involved: the don't like the fact that Morah Lis sonar­ social predicament of the student, her row-minded and intolerant in the lessons f there were a golden rule for teach­ home situation, her personal short­ she conveys?" ers, it would be, know your student. comings, her areas of strength. All these Rina bobbed her head in agreement I Of course I know her, you might say; factors directly influence her growth and and said she felt the teacher lacked toler­ she's the one who is always disrupting accomplishments. ance. in class, the ringleader, the non-per­ Liba was not the best of students. "And what about your lack of tolerance former. These all may be true, but who Though the teacher put in much effort, for Morah L?" I asked. Of course she had is she? she still did not produce laudable results. One semester, her grades took off. Imme­ diately, the teacher had doubts as to Liba's integrity. Not long after, it was back to the old test scores. This only served to bol­ It hurts ster the teacher's suspicions. The truth of the matter was quite dif­ 10 c II ferent. Liba had a very difficult home sit­ uation. For that short time, things had om es IC changed dramatically and with the change her ability to concentrate and study improved. Unfortunately for Liba, •., •• the change did not last. • TEACH BY EXAMPLE ll students crave guidance and direction. When it is properly Agiven, they are receptive and It hurts responsive. If we do not provide the direction, they will take their cue from other sources. When giving guidance r to our talmidos, it is important to remember that hashpa'a (influence) is caught, not taught. Each time we stand o. up in front of a class, we are living examples as to what is expected of them. We refer to this as role modeling. The It feels better just to talk about it. That's problem is we are likely to think of it why we're here. Our staff is made up of caring and sensitive individuals. Together, as just that; a modeling job. You show we can help you explore your options. We up at the job site, properly attired, pose can refer you to recognized professionals for the necessary time and take off the for counseling, legal advice or help in finding a safe environment. We can also costume/attitude upon leaving. There put you in touch with some very special is nothing further from the truth. Rabbis. But in order for us to reach out to When teaching impressionable young you, you must first reach out to us. minds and souls, we never know what Confidential Hotline 1.888.883.2323 will make the greatest impression. It (Toll Free) may surprise you to know that it is not 718.337.3700 always the difficult meforash that you Do it for yourself. (NYC Area) deliver with great skill that has the strongest impact on a girl and changes Do it for your children. Shalom Task force is a 501(c)(3) chantable organization her focus, but rather the reaction you

32 The Jewish Observer, November 1999 had to a challenging class situation. determination. You should have seen conveying sensitive issues such as tze­ We were on a school Shabbaton in Tzila float out of the office as though on nius. It is vital that bnos Yisroel realize the mountains. Many staff members a cloud. Slowly, her effort expanded to that they are bnos hamelech2• Just as a and their families had come along to add include other subjects as well. princess never feels her crown is a bur­ ruach to the experience. There were den (though it is quite heavy), but rather inspiring speakers and thought-pro­ STRESSING THE POSITIVE wears it with great pride, so too, do we voking lectures. Surprisingly, upon our view tzenius as our badge of honor. return to school, one girl said that the eople thrive on praise. It creates Chedva asked me one day to show her thing that had the most impact on her a desire to repeat the action that where in the Torah it says not to wear a was the exchange she overheard between Pbrought about the praise, initiat­ certain style ofdress that we had prohib­ her teacher and her son. It had taken ing a cycle of success. As teachers, we ited. I knew that she was aware that this place Shabbos morning as they prepared 1nust incorporate praise into our very is not a "d'Orysa," and was looking for a to go to shul. The boy had been up for being. It must reflect a positive attitude loophole. I asked her ifshe knew why this some time and had been helping out in towards people and life. type of dress was created. She answered the kitchen with preparations for the Positivity is a key ingredient in chin­ imn1ediately, "To attract attention." I Kiddush. As a reward, he had received uch. The receptivity of a student hinges asked her why she would want to wear some cake which he promptly fed to him­ on positive presentation. Most students something that was created for that spe­ self and his shirt. His mother said to do not reject the ideals taught in prin­ cific purpose, since she was such a refined him, "You can't go to shul like that. It ciple. Their rejection is due to the man­ girl. "No, no! I would never wear that, I is not kavod." This she could not get ner in which they are conveyed. This is just wanted to know." over. It changed her whole approach to with regard to classroom discipline, kedushas beis haknesses and tefilla. school ntles and procedures, and most SIGNS OF TROUBLE importantly Torah hashkafa. Stress the PRAISE: THE MAGIC TOOL beauty of Torah. OV1l >:rrr n>:ii; - show ll the above Do's are in the pre­ how Torah enhances our lives. ventive category. \¥hen we raise is so valuable a tool, I often This is especially important when A establish an open line of coin- wonder why it is underutilized. It Pis not expensive, does not require much effort, and produces the most amazing results. We must be truthful when we praise. Praising a girl for doing so well when she is failing will more like­ ly produce a snort rather than the desired effect. Every student has some good quali­ • The Z' ch us of Living, Breathing and Experiencing the Kedusha of Eretz Yisrael • ties. Focus on it and build the rest to • The Torah Touring Experience of a Lifetime! •Daven by theKotel Ha'Maravi •Climb I Matsada • Inspiring Shiu rim • Shabbos in Tzfas • Meron • Amukah • Amazing match. 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Shem oncl Ayver in Tzfos • Climb Incredible Mountains •Ache/us • Tzipori •Our Own Tzila was having a hard year. Olympic Pool •Hor Hamenuchos • Shmiras Halashon Rally •Robbi Zev Leff •Ancient I Although she had done well in the past, Susya • Oceanarium Experience• Jeeping • Nachol Mai'rasa •Hotel El Amei in Eilot • Kanyan Ha'oclom •Meo Sheorim • Rebbe's Tisch •Flower & Fruit Decoration •Camel I her current marks were not reflecting her Rides •Color War •Kever Rochel• Kever Dovid Hamelech • Simcho Dancing • Teverio capability. A teacher was detailed to speak • Meorot Chazon • Nochal Amud Nature Trail• Climb Sond Dunes• Mearat Hakemoch I • Degem Beis Hamikdosh •Hay Rides •Banyas •Mock Wedding• Swim in Hotz.banei with and motivate her. Upon perceiving RWer •Sunset Kumzitz by the Ocean • Cave of the Choshmonoim • Pekien • Coral Reef• I that there was interest in her acconz­ Underwater Observatory • Breathtaking Vistas • and Much, Much Morel plishments, Tzila began to put in more Jud Ask Any of our Wonderful Macltane Brae/ta Campers/ effort. As soon as it was noticeable, I went over and complimented her on her improvement and informed her that the I A Safe, ~e, Wann Atmosphere In Magnificent Yad Blnyamln teacher had told me how well she was Under t11e Direction o1 Rabbi Sholom & Mn. Chaya 01nz1uw1 I doing and how impressed she was with her L 1066 £ 23rd Street Btooldm, NY U210 (718)377-0234 •

The Jewish Observer, November 7999 ------33 Lack of eye-contact: A student who longer feels a need to strive for is not feeling good about her actions will improvement, because she is bad! suddenly begin avoiding eye-contact. Like a self-fulfilling prophecy she lives You will only note this if you had a rela­ up to her reputation. tionship beforehand. This is due to her If the behavior warrants punish­ feelings of embarrassment. She knows ment, care 1nust be taken to present it you would not approve of her behavior. as a consequence of her actions. This Challenging questions: A student is not a personal struggle. It just fol­ begins stridently challenging and con­ lows the rules of cause and effect. If fronting you in class on issues of you misbehave or break rules, there are hashkafa. These issues had never both­ consequences. Keep it free of emotions. munication, and understanding, we ered her before, but now she is hotly Celebrate minor accomplishments can solve many a problem before it gets debating every topic you raise. so that she can continue on to major out of hand. Were we to succeed, many You know you have a problem on your ones. Any s1nall improvement is cause a tragic situation ..Would be prevented. hands, or perhaps the makings ofa prob­ for rejoicing. Remember, this is all Yet, the problems do crop up . ., in part, lem. The student displays one or more of about direction. Is the student in a because we are not the only caregivers the above signs. What to do now? growth mode or chas veshalom intent of this child. There may be a home sit­ on self-destruction? She may not look uation that may not complement all the WHATTODONOW or dress the way you like, but note the positivity you radiate, or some other sit­ minute improvements. uation beyond your controL You will hen as a principal or teacher We had agonized for a long time over be sensitive to changes (even subtle you are confronted with a the dress code for the Shabbaton. ones) in a talmida's behavior if you have W problematic situation, take Baruch Hashem most of the girls looked this type of relationship. the time to fully investigate the issues. wonderfully fine and aide!. It was obvi­ What to look for3: Be sure to ascertain the precise nature ous that each of the girls had tried, on Changes in scholastic achievement: of the problem. Do not get confused her level, to bring along her finest One of the more obvious signs of a stu­ and treat symptoms in place of the root ensemble, although some still fell short dent's disenchantment is a marked causes. of our expectations. Monday morning, drop in grades. It is often interesting to Keep in mind that there are no "one back at school, I addressed the student note that she may maintain her average size fits all" chinuch tips. What worked body. I told them how proud I was of in the limudei chol departmenL Perhaps for one may not be the solution for each and every girl. I commended them this is due to the fact that secular sub­ another. on their sensitivity, and said, "For every­ jects do not demand certain behavior, Beware of"fishing" for information. thing you brought along, I know there are basically theoretical, and do not tend It is not wise to confront a girl before was something you left behind." One to contradict her desired lifestyle. you have the facts. It is more worth­ mother called to say, "My daughter Dress styles: Another symptom is while to wait a little longer until you appreciated your understanding of how change in mode of dress. When a girl have all the information than to con­ she agonized over her choice of clothes. begins to adopt a new dress style - i.e., front her and have it wrong. Students The most important thing a more casual, less careful of hilchos tze­ tend to focus on the part that you got mechaneches can do is daven. Daven nius, trendy-you must keep an eye out. wrong and conveniently forget about that your talmidos accept what you Also common is the lack of Shabbos­ the true issues you raised. teach them. Daven that they see the type of dress on Shabbos and Yorn Tov. Always give her a chance to explain. beauty in Torah. Daven that they not Negative relationships: Note any Appearances are deceiving and second­ fall prey to temptation. Daven that change in her circle of friends and hand information can be garbled. It they improve if challila they have acquaintances, or improper relation­ is also an opportune time to express stumbled. ships. These point to a new type of disbelief: "I just could not believe the The day will come when we will no behavior and interests or lack of atten­ information presented to n1e so I am longer need address these issues. tion and affection. coming to verify it with you." 0'0:J1:J 0'7 0'1:J:J 'i1 nN il)Ji 1'1Ni1 i1N71:J ':J Cool speech: Watch for trendy talk. Show disappointment that a girl -the beauty of Torah will be apparent Every generation has its own catch with her ability could behave in such to all. • phrases and lingo. A student who sud­ a manner. She will work to regain her denly begins talking differently is obvi­ standing in your eyes. l Rambam Hilchos De'os 6:7 ously tryiug to fit in with a new crowd. Focus on the bad behavior, not the 2 Tehillim 45, 14 Perhaps she is remaking her image so as bad person. When a student is labeled ·1 The following are only a partial listing of the to fit in with more "cool" students. <'bad" (or chas veshalom worse), she no more common symptoms to watch for.

34 The Jewish Observer, November 1999 THE MECHANECH'S PERSPECTIVE Rabbi Ahron Kaufman Of Growth and Belongin8 • he amazing bo'a/ teshuva A UNIQUE PHENOMENON could both be attracted and repelled at Tmovement is growing every the same time? he purpose or this article is to day. Paradoxically, the number identify the root of our dropout "FOB" VS. GENUINE JUDAISM Tproblem from the perspective of of people growing up in a Yeshiva Rebbi, and offer a practical religious homes who are hroughout the Siddur - indeed, approach to solving it. distinguishing every tefilla- is the walking away into emptiness is In truth, the dropout problem is not Tphrase "Elokeinu V'Elokei Avo­ confined to our youth. Everyone is at also increasing. What is it seinu." But nowhere do we find this risk. The difference is that adnlts tend about our sociely that could phrase in its chronological order. Why to be more set in their habits, and their is "Our G-d" placed before "The G-d of lack of devotion is masked by habit. both attract and repel at the our fathers"? Where does my under­ They will continue to go to shul and same time? standing of G-d come from, if not from observe many mitzvos, but without the vast and resonant heritage that came putting their hearts into it. This is not before my arrival to this world? what the Torah wants. A continuous and • "Elokeinu" is stated first because we ongoing dedication is required of every­ in favor of some other culture, as did the cannot rely on those who came before one, and these "observant" Jews actual­ Hellenists. Rather these diversions have us. If I stand smug and complacent - ly serve as a microcosm of the dropout the power to fascinate and occupy relying on the achievements of others - phenomenon. Jndaism demands them, intensifying their fall. then I am not a participating Jew. The growth from people of all ages. It What, then, triggers this catastrophe? Torah wants it to be "Elokeinu" - my demands it, and it also nurtures it, Some attribute this problem to dys­ own G-d. My relationship to Hashem because its very essence is growth. functional, broken homes, feelings of must be through my own journeys, my Therefore, anyone who departs from this oppression and depression. These can be own struggles, my own discoveries, - regardless of whether he is 7, 17, 27, causes of many problems, but do not on and my own accomplishments. My or 70 - is at risk of dropping out. their own bring about rebellion against relationship to my Creator must be dis­ What are the causes of the dropout Torah. Historically and logically, these covered, rediscovered, and reintensified phenomenon? Exposure to immorality, forces nsually inspire people toward spir­ on a daily basis. It must be my own to alien cultures and values, and the itual search. Thus the question is avoda. Only after I extend myself can my overwhelming power of the mass media strengthened. inheritance come to me. If! add my own are some culprits. Certainly the over­ The question is further highlighted work to the work of my fathers, then the whelming power of television, movies, by a unique phenomenon: Never before achievements of my fathers will have rel­ and the Internet as corrupting forces as a people have we had so many indi­ evance to me. cannot be ignored. But these are not the viduals coming close to Torah, while at The common description of one direct cause. In fact, after discussions the same time, others are abandoning who grew up in a religious household with many teenagers, I have found that a Torah life. The remarkable ba'al teshu­ is "Frum From Birth," FFB. To be sat­ they are not rebelling against the Torah va movement is growing every day. Para­ isfied with one's Judaism simply as a doxically, the number of people grow­ lifestyle inherited from one's parents is Rabbi Kaufman, a tallnid of Yeshiva Rabbeinu ing up in religious homes who are not being "FFB." Rather it is "FOB," a Chain1 Berlin, is a Rebbi in Yeshiva of Far Rock­ \•talking away into emptiness is also Fact Of Birth. But this is not Judaism. away. He has successfully implemented the con­ cepts expressed in this article, in dealing with increasing. What factors are present in Hakadosh Baruch Hu does not want teens, both in and out of yeshivos. our contemporary society that people genetically-produced robots. To be

The Jewish Observer, November 1999 35 raised by Yirei Shamayim is indeed a luxury cars, designer dothing, state-of­ whose words they don't comprehend. Is great gift, but it is only meant to pro­ the-art electronics, and ... (Hashem it a wonder why English music attracts vide a boost to one's own achievements, yeracheim aleinu,) with girls, drinking them? Are we more excited about our not to replace them. To the contrary, and drugs. People turn to these diver­ vacations and do we derive more plea­ living in the valley of habit is a great sions because they do not know how to sure from our divrei reshus (religiously drawback to growth as a Jew. We are all fill the void within. When a person is neutral activities) than from perform­ familiar with too many people in our complacent in his Judaism, when the ing mitzvos? What confusing message own circles who are mechanical Jews, daveningis by rote, and his mitzvos- and are we sending to our children? Do we performing ntitzvas anashim meluma­ yes, even his Torah learning - are for­ really comprehend the meaning of da. "Elokeinu" must precede "Elokei mulae punched in with the same level Shabbos and Yomim Iovim on a higher Avoseinu." of involvement as a bank card's PIN level than a grade school child? Do we The reason why the baal teshuva code, he perceives himself as Jewish, but genuinely experience oneg Shabbos? Is movement is expanding so prolifically he has the urge to look elsewhere to find our Motza'ei Shabbos an honorable is because the bankrupt, empty life in meaning, to find a reason to live. escort to the departing Shabbos or the secular society is driving the baal teshu­ How many of us or our children antithesis of kedushas Shabbos? Can we va to fill an inner void, to find a purpose understand the meaning of our tefillos? logically convince an irreligious person and a need for his existence. This vacu­ Prayer without understanding cannot be to observe Shabbos or perform mitzvos? ity is anathema to him, and it becomes prayer with heart. It will not bring any If we can't, is it a wonder why our chil­ a spark that lights a fire, and that fire dri­ real connection with Hakadosh Baruch dren don't? So many American Jews are ves him ever onward. Hu. How many of us or our children surviving Judaism, not living it. truly follow and understand Krias This, then, is one of the causes of the FILLING THE VOID HaTorah and Haftorah? Is Tanach crisis gripping our young people. They live merely a handbook for vertlach and in the shallowness - or, better said, the nfortunately, when some people drashos, or is it the very basis of our exis­ shallows - of American Jewry. They can feel a void, they seek to fill it tence? not understand their Judaism. If they do Uwith things. With money, with Why is Lashon Hakodesh a foreign not understand, they cannot appreciate. possessions such as magnificent homes, language? Our children sing Zemiros, If they do not appreciate, they cannot be

Come see and hear the n?nm and students, in our newly renovated building situated in the pleasant suburb of West Englewood, NJ

THE YESHIVA HAS FSL-\BLISHED A SEDER IN U:ARNlNG WHICH EMPHASIZES: Co1npleting the Masechtah, including Raslti, Tosfos, Rosh, and Ran A three times weekly blatt shiur which gives the talmid a sound hadroclto b'iyun. The shiur enhances the talmid's learning without becoming the exclusive focus of his learning. RABBI CHAIM KOHN RABBI ELIYOHU ROBERTS Rosh flayeshiva Daily Mussar, and Shulchan Aruch/Magen Avrohom, Menahel shiurim emphasizing practical applications. Weekly Hoshkofa!Parsha shiur addressing the Now in its fourth year, fundamental subjects of Avodas H~ashem and Emunah. • Weekly written invites you to an bechinos are given as an ~ opportunity for the talmid ..,. to measure and evaluate his achievement and OPEN HOUSE progress.

At the following locations: THE TALMID DEVELOPS A HIGH LEVEL OF RESPONSIBILITY Sunday, January 16, DJ>o 'D, at lPM, at the home of Al\'D A RECOGNlTJON OF HIS Mr. & Mrs. Shia Markowitz, 4 Crestview Terrace, Monsey, N PERSONAL DIRECTION AND PLACE IN KLAL YtSROEL Sunday,]anuary 23, OJW t"o, at !PM, at the home of Mr. & Mrs. Naftali Mayer, 532 East Srn Street, Brooklyn, NY

Sunday. February 6, DJIV •':J, at lPM at the Yeshiva building in West Engelwood, NJ

------36 The Jewish Observer, November 1999 enthusiastically involved, and it is not Many accurate points have been "What do I gain in this world from 1neaningful to them. If it is not n1ean­ made regarding children who do not feel Judaism?" "How do I benefit from being ingful, they are on their way to dropping accepted by their parents, their peers, or frum?" They fail to feel secure in their out. Dropping out is not our 1nain enemy; their rebbe'im. A strong correlation Jewish identity and to realize that their superficiality and ignorance are. exists between children from broken existence matters. They yearn to be homes and dysfunctional families, chil­ understood and long to understand as THE NEED TO BELONG dren who are not part of the "in" crowd, their souls' craving for n1eaning cries out children who were ejected from the deep inside the1n. When these issues are here is another side to the coin. classrom, and children who grow into addressed, these teens' directional signal Every human being has an adults and leave us. This Jack of accep­ changes from downwards to upwards, Textreme need to belong. It is a tance is real, and it is deadlier than can and subsequently, their other obstacles need that reaches deep into the human ever be imagined, but it is not the direct can now be successfully dealt with. soul, and it grasps even at the most canse of the dropout problem. If a per­ introverted of personalities. Yet, it does son is secure in his identity as a Jew, then ... And what it is not even register in one's mind in an he will not stop being a Jew because one intellectual way any more than being segment of the Jewish populace does not ow can one find meaning, hungry or tired, and therefore it fre· accept him While it is true that a lack freshness, and vitality in actions quently escapes conscious analysis. It is of acceptance can cause a lack of iden­ H that are repeated every day? ... there, and it pulls at man, and it does tity, it is the lack of identity that caus­ The answer is through growth. In order not let go. es the dropping out, not the lack of for my Judaisn1 tu be new every day, it In the past, even non-religious peo­ acceptance. has to be greater every day. It has to be ple identified themselves as being Jew­ something to which I can apply myself ish. They felt part of something greater THE REMEDY and can constantly feel attainment. than themselves. When a person does What it is not ... Growth is achieved through setting not find identity in his Judaism, he will goals. When a person aspires towards look elsewhere. The baalei teshuva real· efore outlining a remedy, \Ve must something greater, his life has meaning. ize that they have no identity in their recognize what the re1nedy is not. When he is part of something greater, original society, and therefore they seek B"Fun;' in and of itself, in or out of his life has identity. Those goals must be their identity in the Torah. The painful yeshiva, will not solve the problem. In in Torah, for that is the essence of being reality today is that there are people in general, fun activities help us relax and Jewish. our own society, the society that baalei temporarily forget our problems; they A teenager with goals in Torah, who teshuva are joining, who do not have this can even provide the basis for bonding, identifies with a yeshiva or communi­ crucial need addressed in their lives and which offers a format for further hash­ ty, is protected from the obstacles of the they look elsewhere. pa' a. But fun activities do not bring hap­ Jewish identity can only come from piness. Happiness is an outgrowth of feeling secure and comfortable in one's accomplishment, which comes as a Judaism. If a person is not comfortable result of effort ... sometimes painful MlDWOOD SUITES with being a Jew, or where he is as a Jew effort. Watering down Torah learning, - in whatever community he lives, or making success easier and painless, is the IN IBE HEART Of FLATBUSH, BROOKLYN, NY Convenient location' Near Shuls, Shopping, Bus t. Subway yeshiva he attends - he loses a sense of dumbing down of our Judaism. Good identity and he will always seek to PR cannot replace substance,and a per­ replace that loss. The popularity of son's neshama will sense the difference. national sports teams across the coun­ Merely telling someone that he is a good try can be attributed to this phenome­ boy, and that you like him, without giv­ non. ing him basis to believe that you mean These two forces -the lack of mean­ it, is a false injection of temporary self. ing and the lack of identity - feed off esteem, and a cosmetic cover for a deep­ each other. If my life in my society has er problem. The voids of meaning and no meaning to it, I feel detatched from identity continue to plague him. Making a Slmcha? Visiting New York? that society, and I am no longer bound Among the numerous, unmotivated, We are your Home away from Home! to it. On the reverse side, if I lack an and even motivated teens with a broad FOR Rf.SERVATIONS &. RATES CALL identity in the society in which I live, range of problems whom I've met, one m. U.S.A. (718) 253-9535 then it will eventually become mean­ common denominator is this lack of FAX. U.S.A, (718) 253-3269 ingless to me, as I seek to find a place understanding of basic Judaism, its AVENUE)/ EAST JSTH STREET. BROOKLYN where I feel I belong. depth and warmth. They frequently ask, www.midwood!i\11tes.com I email: [email protected]

The Jewish Observer, November 1999 37 world. He spiritually nourishes himself free time exploring them. It is fertile A SACRED PARTNERSHIP from the wellspring of Torah. A teenag­ ground for building up Jewish pride and er without these goals will become a understanding, and it fills free time with hen a Rebbi makes invest­ teenager without growth, and eventu­ stimulating and engrossing challenges. ments in his talmidim, stim­ ally without identity. Such a life is spir­ W ulating their growth, he is itually empty, and is the breeding CROWDING THE SCHEDULE, clearly communicating his love and ground for the rebellion and misery of TOUCHING THE SOURCE respect for them, conveying his confi­ our troubled youth. A sense of true pur­ dence in them. He thereby cultivates an pose and value is what will give mean­ ur teens are faced with much influential and even intimate relation­ ing to our children and will keep them unstructured time. If their time ship with his talmidim, which stimulates from the emptiness that fills their Ois not filled with something pos­ further growth. Nevertheless, only world. (Of course, we can insert the itive, it will be filled with negative influ­ when parents work together with the word "adult" in place of"teenager;' and ences. Friday afternoon, Shabbos, Matza­ Rebbi can the child's full potential be "ourselves" in place of"children;' and the ,ei Shabbos and Sunday afternoon allow achieved. After all, Chazal describe par­ above paragraph will be equally true.) too much freedom. The momentum of ents and Rabbe'im as partners. We have to imbue our children with the previous week's growth is lost and While the parental role emphasizes the recognition that we are the "Am Seg­ they hegin a new week at a deficit. It is making the child successful in Olam ula:' We are special, and therefore differ­ worthwhile to implement a system Hazeh, and the Rebbi's primary focus is ent. We must convey to them a deep feel­ whereby older bachurim spend time with Olam Habba, these areas of focus are not ing ofjewish pride. There is no greater younger boys. It benefits both groups. mutually exclusive. Mandatory parenting loss to the son of the king than robbing The younger boys have an opportnnity groups under the auspices of our yeshiv­ him of his identity- that is, not explain­ to learn and gain from older role mod­ as are vital for nurturing this partnership. ing to him who he is, his responsibilities els. They will relate and open up to them, and privileges. Mitzvos take on a differ­ providing positive peer pressure. At the AVOIDING A DOUBLE ent dimension when we view them in this same time, older bachurim learn and MISCONCEPTION context. They are opportunities to be uti­ grow as they guide others. Nothing cre­ lized and cherished. Torah becomes life's ates a sense of self-satisfaction like being hen a parent questions the handbook. For years, the Sefer HaChin­ needed and giving to others: The great­ integrity of a Rebbe or Mena­ uch and Taamei HaMitzvos were taught est gift that one can give and chessed that W hel, and accuses the hanhala to children at the Shabbostable, teaching one can perform is teaching Torah and of making its primary concern the rep­ them the reasons for mitzvos. Under­ helping another develop into a ben utation of their institution or their egos, standing leads to appreciation. Torah. Everyone gains from this situa­ and of not working with mesiras nefesh There are many areas to discover and tion. Done properly, this has been proven and concern for the welfare of the child, learn, and the excitement and fufillment to have an overwhelming success rate. they are damaging the relationship generated by Chumash Be'iyun, Navi, One of the most effective tools of between the child and Rebbe, between Kesuvim, Jewish History, Hashkafa, motivation and, therefore, prevention is talmidand yeshiva. A child whose atti­ Halacha, Mussar, and other topics are iyun tefilla. Spending one half hour tude becomes negative towards his real, and true to the essence of Torah. daily, learning the purpose of tefilla, its yeshiva will not absorb the goals of the Many successful b' nei Torah in Beis explanations and its depth, guiding stu­ yeshiva. Moreover, the above parent will Midrash allocate time in their daily dents in concentration in tefilla allows not inform the Rebbe of situations and schedules to learn these topics. We our students to be acutely aware of problems within the home that may should encourage our children to dis­ Hakadosh Baruch Hu and our pnrpose influence the child's behavior and per­ cover these topics earlier, to spend their and mission in life. Classes in tefilla formance in the classroom. A child also become a basis for many hashkafa and senses this, and feels uncomfortable machshava discussions, both in and out communicating his feelings to people in of class. Tefilla is engaged in three times authority, or asking questions about top­ daily, so they are aware of the constant ics that trouble him. This will canse the results of these sessions. It opens lone­ talmid to seek identity and support ly, vulnerable hearts to reach out inti­ amongst peers outside the yeshiva, mately to The Infinite Creator. Tefilla is whom he mistakenly perceives to be designed to put us into a frame of mind friends who care. 1537 50th Street, to be touched by Hashem. It opens our Only when parents and talmidim Brooklyn, NY 11219 hearts to introspection, to understand­ realize that we are all on the same team, (718) 854-2911 ing, to warmth; and stimulates growth can all of these issues be successfully and motivates us to learn further. resolved. •

38 The Jewish Observer, November 1999 THE CHINUCH SCENE Dr. Norman N. Blumenthal 1"HE 1"0VA PROGRAM - Adding to the Full Vessel

he Gemora (Succa 46 a-b) teach­ with one another while gladly steering nership of all of the local high schools. es us one of the myriad of ways less profitable business in the direction What emerged is TOVA3 which is a Tin which G-d is not bound by of their competitors. Do the same prac­ "mentoring" progran1 for ('at risk" teens laws of nature tices apply to yeshiva education? governed and directed by the principals "Come and see how the ways of the Many yeshivas inadvertently assume of all of the participating schools and the Holy One Blessed be He are not like that very competitive posture as they vie various Vaadei Ha'Rabbanim. those of man. In inan's world, an for the best students and reputation. For Briefly, the program works as follows: empty vessel can be filled while a full very understandable reasons, they Students within the respective schools one cannot. But in the ways of G-d, a actively recruit the «best') students and are identified by teachers or adminis­ full vessel can be filled and an empty the most impressive families. While tration as "at risk" for acaden1ic failure, one cannot as it says •if you surely lis­ some competition is both healthy and emotional distress, substance abuse or ten' - if you listen, you will hear in ore; conducive to growth, there are com­ comparably marginal behaviors. At this if not, you will hear nothing." (A sim­ munity-wide issues and challenges in early stage of the student's downfall, ilar idea is expressed regarding chari­ which cooperation and unity between more subtle signs such as stylish cloth· ty. "Asser te'asser - give money [for Torah institutions enrich and benefit ing or grooming, placement of charity] in order to become wealthy:'') everyone involved. The schools that yarmulke, immodesty of dress, use of The usual laws of nature dictate that work together are indeed the full vessels vulgar language or modern teen lingo when you give away something, you that expand as they contain more. can be harbingers of potential problems. have less. Similarly, when you are lis­ These teens are referred to the TOVA tening, your ability to otherwise attend Choosing Cooperation over Competition social worker for a screening and needs is reduced. Apparently, the opposite is assessment. Appropriate referrals are true when one is expending for Torah ne proof of the "profitability" of made for tutoring, remediation and/or and mitzvos. Rather than diminished, the coo per at ion -vers us-competi­ counseling which is monitored and fol­ giver is enriched. 0 tion is the highly successful lowed by the social worker. If we apply these ideas to the sphere partnership between the various yeshiv­ In addition, each child is assigned a of Torah education, a sharp distinction as of the Rockaways, Five Towns and mentor hired, as well, by the collective emerges between the business world and Nassau County.In 1992,nine (now ten) schools and rabbanim. These mentors that of the yeshiva. In business, com­ local schools joined to sponsor special are often dynamic and engaging per­ panies compete and vie for the same education classes for learning disabled sonalities steeped in Torah observance, resources. In order to preserve their children and formed an umbrella orga­ but sufficiently familiar with contem­ share of the market, they scrupulously nization called CAHAL'. porary teen culture to relate and allow avoid sharing information or customers Today, 1'1"~, CAHAL and its partici­ for an open exchange. The 1nentors visit pating schools are sponsoring ten class­ each child in school, providing supple­ Dr. Blumenthal is a licensed clinical psycholo­ es servicing over 80 learning disabled gist in private practice in Hewlett, NY. He is the mental educational assistance, or alter­ Coordinator of Group Psychotherapy Training children in mainstream academic set­ native learning for those teens starting for Psychiatric Residents and Psychology Interns tings. No single school had the space or to "turn off" to the standard Limudei at the Long Island Jewish Medical Center and resources to service these children, and Kodesh curriculum. All of this is done Founder and President of CAHAL- a collective this was only accomplished because of under the tutelage and direction of the partnership of nine local yeshivos com1nitted to providing services and classes for children with the willingness of these institutions to individual school's administration. In speciul needs. He is a consultant to TOVA and work together. the evenings and on weekends, the men­ Project Y.E.S.of Agudath Israel of America, is Vice When the crisis of rebellious teens tors n1eet with their teens for meals President of NEFESH (International Network of came to the fore, these communities and/or recreational activities. They Orthodox Mental Health Professionals), and works in the area of parental grief and bereave- capitalized on their success at an ele­ gradually emerge as both a role model 111ent for Chai Lifeline. mentary school level and forged a part· and friend positioned somewhere

The Jewish Observer, November 1999 39 JEWISH··-••\,1~.:•ir~\t*··.· PA.[tJflTltlG Miriam. Levi has guided thousands of families to richer, happie.r live$, based o sound and sensible advice that is consistent with Torah princ;ipl(ls.Ttiis new, expande edition of her very popular modern classic includes ne' ··•··· ····· chapters on "The Difficult Child," "Education for Tora Living;• and "The TeenageYears?' For old readers, this will b a rich opportunity to .learn even more-· for new reader: it will be a revelation! A HAPPIER YOU A teenager's guide to happiness and confidence ..:~ l Over 200 teenage girls share their stories The teen years are the greenhouse of personal growth, ar this perceptive book shows how to make them happy ar productive. It's practical. It's real. It's wise. It's fun. So rea enjoy, and grow! RAB81 A81\AHAM J TWERSKI MD.

URSULA SCHWARTZ. PHD

1 DMl.OPlll!G 1··· .., ...•,.'" ··:~~~[~~·l~r·...... ;r· .#Jri...... ,, ..i ••... ·... ·• •• ! •. YOUR CHILD'S ······!'la~6J ~~~.a:tt1','1"!:jj!~~r,itti~~·.it!:i~·;J~u1~ ~"C~)i\'a ·.····. ·..... r~;t:k~iiS; e~.t~~~i~g p . .:r"\~!)tathc~alth•·ei;a,et;~iol)~~s;l~.···.~is f>l"~~~lc;iJb()o~ 'th~y~aY,'!~~s C<)rlf e!l~te 0n h<>'.'>' ~<:> do. things ;right; and how theTorah and JeWis~ .tradition c:011nsl!I us tO rajs~ our c~ildren:' • .. .• . ·...... ·. ·.. .• · This ~C)ok belongs at the top of the Jewish reading list of every parent, •teax:her, or .person wh.o deals with parents and children. · . GETTING UP WHEN YOU'RE DOWN Depression and related conditions are often physical problems that can be remedied with understanding and treatment. Saying, '1ust snap out of it," or, "Don't be so moody;' does not help. With wisdom and compassion, Rabbi Twerski explains the symptoms and what they mean, and suggests courses of action. This highly .readable and informative book will help you understand and relate to others - and perhaps even yourself - during difficult periods of emotional stress. A Shaar Press book.

Available at your local Hebrew bookstore or call: 1-800-MESORAH • In NYS: (718) 921-9000 • FAX: (718) 680-1875 between the adult world and that of the The TOVA Advantage burden on the schools to address the teen's conte1nporaries. needs of these teenagers. It is not Several times a year, the principals of here are two essential ingredients uncommon for both the child and Rebbi TOVA:s participating schools meet to to TOVA:s success. As a school· to welcome the break afforded by the review the program and discuss the Tbased program, TOVA is able to mentor's visit. No less important, the needs of these vulnerable students. effectively address learning problems so school represents the kehilla to our chil­ Halachic direction is regularly provid­ often at the root of the teen's ultimate dren. By channeling our efforts in that ed by representative rabbis from with· disillusionment and alienation. TOVA is context, we are promoting the teen's in the community. also in a position to partially relieve the sense of belonging and affiliation with· in the 'forah observant co1nmunity. Since all local schools and rabbinic organizations are working together, no single institution is saddled with chal· lenging students who can so readily drain the school's resources and ble1n­ ish its reputation. The burden (or bless­ ing) of educating these teens is equally FREE shared. The universality of the program both minimizes costs and facilitates fund COMPUTER raising for a relatively manageable bud­ get. (In fact, there was a recent 1neeting, COURSE under the auspices of gedolei Torah, of For Women Coping On Their Own the principals oflocal girls' high schools (Widowed, Divorced, Separated) in a major chareidi community with the goal of replicating the TOVA model.) 30 Hours of Instruction - Day Classes The schools' and community's willing· For More Information or To Register, ness to work together is also a message ll!l!llllllll!IJllllllll!ll!lllll!!I to the nearly marginal teen that, for the sake of Kial Yisroel, we are willing to put differences aside and include in our midst those that do not necessarily fully embrace our particular practices and ideology. It lvas on a Thursday night over a nzeal that one youngster handed over two Friday night rock concert tickets to his TOVA men­ tor, stating, " You better hold these~ 'cause if I have them, I'll go." It is a safe assumption that the sense of acceptance he feels from his mentor, and renewed affiliation with the Torah community and way oflife, prompted the for­

,•, •i, feiture of those tickets. That acceptance and Our s~ff will satisfy your need with a teen sense ofsuccess was originally bred and nour­ ished by the willingness of his community who is ready to join the workforce. schools and rabbanim to work together for the overriding needs of our children. Project Y.E.S. With every child saved, the collective 718-375-3900 vessel that is our yeshivas gets more filled - and has abundantly more room. m (JJ Rabbi Yakov Horowitz, ~i.J Program Director t Shabbos 119 and elsewhere

You can make a difference in the life of a teen. Please call today! 2 Communities Acting to Heighten Awareness and PROJECT Y.E.S. (Youth Enrichment Services) is a division of Agudath Israel of America Communi~ Learning, ty Services, Inc. and is dedicated in memory of Shloime Horowitz, i1")) 3 Torah Viable Alternatives

42 The Jewish Observer, November 1999 PREVENTION David Pelcovitz, Ph.D. & Rabbi Shimon Russel L.C.S. W: The "At Risk Child:"

I. BACKGROUND culties. We will also present some ties than a more placid child. Such chil­ strategies for intervention. dren often lack flexibility and have a low n recent years there has been an It is critical to recognize that the cause frustration tolerance. unfortunate increase in the nu1nber of serious conduct problems in children Of course, as the Rambam makes I of adolescents from frum families can rarely be attributed to a single clear in Hilchos Dei' as, biology is not who have been seriously disruptive, source. Experts in child psychology usu­ destiny. A child with a difficult tem­ rebellious and defiant. Their parents ally ascribe such difficulties to the perament can be helped to learn to desperately try to understand the interaction of numerous factors such as channel his intensity for good purpos­ source of their adolescent's problems, te1nperament, poor peer influences, es. Parents of such a child, however, which may involve a serious reduction problematic parent-child interactions, should be aware that if they find that in religious observance, use of drugs or and poor self-concept engendered by the negative in their interactions out­ alcohol, refusal to abide by parental repeated academic and! or social failures. weighs the positive, they should seek rules and/or school truancy. Unfortu­ An understanding of how these factors help in learning how to deal with the nately, by the time the situation has can place a child at risk for conduct special challenges presented by such a grown to such major proportions, it is problems can be an important first step child. Relatively short-term efforts far more difficult to deal with than had in prevention. when a difficult child is young can pre­ the problem been caught while the child vent a problem from developing that is was younger. The purpose of this arti­ II. RISK FACTORS far harder to deal with when they reach cle is to address some of the ways that adolescence. parents can identify if their child is at Temperament risk for developing such serious diffi- Oppositional Defiant Disorder David Pekovitz, Ph.D. is Clinical Associate Pro­ ven as very young children, dif­ fessor of Psychology in Psychiatry at NYU ferences in basic temperament are t is not at all unusual for children to School of Medicine, and Chief Child and Ado­ Eevident. While one child can be go through stages where their lescent Psychologist at North Shore University even te1npered, sleep well, and, in gen­ behavior is mildly defiant or dis­ Hospital, Long Island, NY. I-fe has published and I lectured extensively on a variety of issues relat­ eral, pose very little in the way of chal­ ruptive. In one of the largest studies ever ed to child and adolescent mental health. lenge to his or her parents, another child conducted of behavioral difficulties in Rabbi Shimon Russel, a psychotherapist in pri­ can from infancy on show signs of a dif­ children, researchers found very high vate practice with offices in Lakewood and ficult temperament. Nu1nerous studies rates of disruptive behaviors in typical Brooklyn, studied in yeshivos in Bretz Yisroel and Beis Medrash Govoha in Lakewood, where have documented the kind of tempera­ children between ages 5 and 9. For he received semicha from the late Rosh ment that places a child "at risk" for later example, 46% of the thousand boys in Hayeshiva Rabbi Shneur Kotleri,··yr_ A board conduct problems. The intense child this sample were described by their 1nember of Nefesh, The International Network with a high activity level, distractibili­ teachers as at times disruptive, 26o/o were of Orthodox Mental Health Professionals, he ty, negative, irritable mood, and diffi­ found to be disobedient and 30% as recently co-chaired a conference sponsored by Nefesh and Ohel Children's Home on children culty with changes in routine is at greater occasionally "hyperactive:' What dif­ in crisis in the Orthodox community. risk for developing behavioral difficul- ferentiates the child who is at risk for

The Jewish Observer, November 1999 43 more serious and sustained rebellious­ requests or rules, repeated attempts to The Role of the Parent ness is a pattern of frequent negativis­ deliberately annoy people, a tendency to · Factors in Alienation tic, hostile, and defiant difficulties that blame others for his or her mistakes or last for at least six months and causes misbehavior, and indifference or resis­ hat family characteristics significant impairment in their ability tance towards the performance of are associated with chil­ to function well at home, in school or mitzvos. Such children are also often W dren who are defiant? with peers. described as touchy, resentful and eas· Researchers have consistently found This pattern of behaviors, which is ily annoyed by others. They may that a parental discipline style char­ called "oppositional-defiant disorder" by respond to anger at others by becom­ acterized by high levels of yelling, lec­ mental health professionals, is charac­ ing spiteful or vindictive. turing) criticism and punitiveness or terized by some or all of the following: This pattern of disruptive behavior infrequent expression of uncondi­ frequent loss of temper, argumenta· is most likely to be found in children tional love are associated with a dras­ tiveness with adults, an active defiance born with difficult temperaments. These tically increased chance that a child or refusal to comply with adults' children are also more likely to have par· will be non-compliant and rebel­ ents who are inconsistent, punitive, or lious. Of course, this doesn't mean neglectful. A child with symptoms of that child misbehavior should be oppositional-defiant disorder is at risk ignored. On the coutrary, children for developing into an adolescent with difficult temperaments need and/or adult with more serious conduct even more limits and structure than problems. more easygoing children. The key in dealing with such children is to find Repeated Academic Failure the balance between "s'mol docheh veyemin ntekareves" - setting limits nother factor that places children with one band while providing an at risk for serious conduct prob­ atmosphere of love and warmth with ems is that of the child who feels the other. himself or herself to be a failure, rela­ There is an intriguing series of tive to his peers because of school fail­ studies on the effects of stress on par­ ure. Children with learning disabilities, enting. Parents who succumb to the particularly those with significant read­ myriad of time and financial pres­ MEHL CATERERS ing problems or language disorders, sures, which are all too common in often experience repeated academic our community, are more likely to Is Pleased To failure. These children are at risk, at least exhibit parenting practices that are Announce in part, because the poor self-concept associated with fanning the flames of which these difficulties typically engen­ rebelliousness. Research has docu­ That We Are der can make them more vulnerable to mented that parents who feel power­ negative peer influences less in their lives are more likely to Accepting Bookings harshly chastise their children, engage For Your Simchas Childhood Depression in coercive disciplinary practices and focus on the negative while failing to epression in childhood often recognize positive behaviors in their #:===== takes a different form than it child. Such parenting practices are an Terrace On The Park Ddoes in adults. In addition to almost certain recipe for the exacer­ depressed mood, difficulties with con­ bation of behavioral difficulties in at­ Mehl Caterers centration, and altered sleep and risk children. New Award Winning Clu/1 Ftaturiog Nou"/le Cuisine appetite, depression in childhood may Perhaps the most important stress­ ll!th Traditional Tastes also present in the form of irritable and ful situation, which can impact signif­ aggressive behavior. The seriously icantly on parenting, is marital diffi. Now With Largest Dance Floor In N.Y.C. culties. Children exposed to frequent Chltk oar 25th Anni•.,.., Sp

44 The Jewish Observer, November 1999 ital distress are also more likely to engage ognize that often times, poor parental in inconsistent discipline, a major risk treatment of the situation was the HAT PLUS factor for childhood behavior problems. result of the problems and not its Finally, since approximately half of cause. Remember, "Al todin es chavercho mothers who are in a distressed mar­ ad shetagi'a limekomo." It is impossi­ Your #1 Stop riage have been found to be suffering ble to imagine the fear and pain felt by .for from significant levels of depression, it parents, as the crisis develops within Quality Hats is important to understand the inter­ their home, and how that fear can cause WE ALSO fJRY CLEAN LARGEST SELECTION action between parental depression and even the best parents to err in their judg­ & RESHAPE HATS OF CHOSONIM TIES IN the development of conduct problems ment of and reaction to their children's (All work done on pren11ses) BROOKLYN in children. Since irritability is often a behavior. The more supportive and non­ 1368 Coney Island Avenue component of depression, depressed judgmental friends, family and (7"t 8) 377-5050 parents are more likely to respond to mechanchim are of parents going Major credit cards accepted• We ship UPS misbehavior in an unproductive, emo­ through a crisis with a child, the less the tional manner. Furthermore, the pes­ parents will feel ashamed and embar­ si1nis1n inherent in depression makes it rassed, and their ability to deal with the more likely that there will be a focus on situation will be enhanced. the negative in the child's behavior. Such BEISSOROH children may come to think that they III. INTERVENTIONS: SCHENIERER can't win since any efforts at improve­ ment are squelched when their Identifying the Problem SEMr;'t~RY depressed parent fails to recognize these attempts. ne of the most effective inter­ MANfJE;TER ventions for the problem of at­ Reactions and Judgments 0 risk children is to identify and treat the problem that places the child hile reacting over-emotion­ at risk as early as possible. If, relative to ally to defiant behaviors in peers, your child is inore aggressive or Application forms are W children can exacerbate their non-compliant, assessment by a quali­ behavioral difficulties, the other side fied mental health professional should available for the coming of the coin - not dealing with behav­ be considered. ioral problems - is equally dangerous. This does not necessarily mean that academic year Furthern1ore, when parents are unable regular counseling will be recom­ (Ellul 5760) from the to give their child a sense of consistent mended. I~eco1nmendations can range love and attention they may place their from a single meeting, where the coun­ Seminary office. child in danger of turning to acting selor will provide guidelines on how to out peer groups as substitute sources deal with your difficult child, to ongo­ for unconditional love and accep­ ing sessions, which will combine par­ tance. Lack of family cohesiveness, enting guidance, individual sessions insufficient parental involven1ent, and and consultation with the school. As failure to adequately supervise a child noted earlier, since marital conflict or Applications should be are among the most commonly cited parental depression can increase the contributors to childhood hostility and chances of minor behavioral difficulties submitted as soon as defiance. For example, one study that in your child becoming major, it is possible followed children from early childhood important to deal with these problems, to adulthood found that parents who as well. This is clearly a situation where connected to their children by spend­ the best way to help your child is to get ing tin1e with them, having discussions, help for yourself. and caring enough to supervise their activities with friends were far more Family-based Interventions Principal: Rabbi Y Marmorstein likely than other parents to raise chil­ 474 Bury New Road . Manchester M7 4NU England dren who were well-behaved and ealing with children calmly but Telephone: 0161-792 7770 respectful. firmly is at the heart of effective Fa" 0161-708 9014 Notwithstanding the above, we urge Dprevention of serious behavior e-mail address: [email protected] parents, friends and mechanchim, to rec- problems. Consequently, understanding Registered Charjty Number 1007489

The Jewish Observer, November 1999 45 the source of parental emotionalism is rather than from a deliberate, or lazy quently reduces the frequency and crucial. Perhaps the greatest contribu­ behavior, then their response is far more intensity of sibling fighting. Of course, tor to excessive anger at children is the likely to be calm and productive in help­ any issue involving your child's safe­ tendency to assign blame for the child's ing their child's behavior change. ty or the safety of others must be dealt misbehavior either to one's self or to the The following interventions can help with immediately. child. A belief on the part of the parent minimize defiance in at-risk children: that their problematic child is acting that • Try to anticipate which situations Anger Control Strategies For the Child way because something must be wrong are most likely to trigger rebellious with their competence as a mother or behavior by learning the patterns hildren who are at risk often father can increase the chance that a par­ behind your child's explosiveness. Par­ need help in being taught the nec­ ent will respond emotionally and ents might find it useful to keep a diary Cessary skills needed to control their unproductively. It is human nature to of a typical week in your family's life. anger. Seriously consider seeking profes­ respond to feelings of incompetence and The diary would note each episode of sional help to learn how to teach these powerlessness by lashing out at others misbehavior in your child, with a par­ skills to your child without antagonizing - in this case, the child. Unfortunately, ticular emphasis on what the trigger him/her further. Teaching the "right'' skills, such an emotional response typically was for each incident. Eventually, a pat­ with the "wrong" attitude always fails. yields the opposite of what is called for. tern should emerge which should The solution feeds the problem and the allow you to anticipate which situations School-Based Interventions situation is exacerbated in a manner that are most likely to elicit explosive or makes it more likely that the child will non-compliant behavior. Parents often 1. Close cooperation with the misbehave in the future. find that use of distraction, empathy or school is necessary to diagnose and Special sensitivity is therefore logic, which typically are ineffective remediate any learning difficulties. demanded of mechanchim, who often once the child has lost his temper, is far Early identification of language prob­ are in the unenviable position of regu­ more likely to be effectual if the situ­ lems, learning disabilities or attention­ larly pointing out to parents their chil­ ation is caught before their child loses deficit disorder is crucial. If difficul­ dren's problems. It is critical that in control. ties are suspected, evaluation by doing so they not make parents feel even •Recognize that while you may have specialists in these areas should be more incompetent than they already do. no immediate control over your child's conducted as early as possible. With Similarly, if the parents view their misbehavior you do have significant con­ early intervention there is a greater child's behavior as willful and a reflec­ trol over the consequences. At-risk chil­ chance for success. tion that there is something seriously dren do best when expectations at 2. Consider having a tutor/mentor for wrong with their child's middos, this too home and in school are clearly spelled a child experiencing academic failure. will fuel a counterproductive emotion­ out and consequences are immediate, This person can provide the dual role al reaction. In contrast, if the parent consistent and calmly implemented. It of helping the child cope and improve views the problematic behavior as stem­ is equally important that positive behav­ academically, while at the same time ming from a biological predisposition ior be consistently recognized and rein­ serving as a mature sounding board to forced A number of helpful parent train­ help guide the child through difficult ing books are available (e.g. Greene, R., relationship issues The Explosive Child; Clark, L., SOS Help Free Offer for Parents (2nd edition) Parents Press), IV. CONCLUSIONS as are parenting classes. It is crucial to If you are an educator of teenagers, keep in mind, that should behavioral dif­ arly identification and inter­ we will send you a free sample of ficulties increase in frequency or sever­ vention in dealing with children ity, consultation with a child mental Ewho present with significant health professional should be obtained. oppositional and defiant behavior in Gems From • Consider carefully which battles childhood can prevent them from are worth fighting. If the parent­ developing into more serious diffi­ Mishlei child relationship is dominated by fre­ culties in adolescence. Most children a Targum-Feldheim Publication quent fighting, it is often very helpful and families are resilient. Thus, tak­ If you are a teenager we will send to make a list of which behaviors must ing a proactive approach in dealing you a copy at a discount of $10.00. be dealt with immediately and which with behavioral problems when they can be safely ignored. For example, are more easily manageable should Please write: Box 82 ignoring verbal bickering between B' ezras Hashem spare us from having Staten Island, NY 10309 siblings and letting them work out to deal with rebellious and alienated minor differences by themselves fre- adolescents. •

46 The Jewish Observer, November 1999 ~Omethingfoteveryo?~mFEWHEIM The Illustrated Mishnayoth Shabbath WITH THE COMMENTARY OF R' OVADIA M'BARTENURA • Translated by Rabbi Daniel Haberman • Illustrated by Yoni Gerstein Penei Shabbath, the Hebrew edition of this pioneering work, was an instant success. The combination of Mishnah text, complete commentary of the Bartenura, together with over 600 lively illustrations, m<1de the study of this complex topic an experience that was at once informative, dynamic, and easy to understand. And now, this groundbreaking work is available in a new Hebrew-English edition ... with all the outstanding features that made the original text such a popular success.

illustrations xcompany every Mishnah in the text.

Duties of the Hear Htl.JU;{s ,wwn, Ha.JWm TeiLerr uwrt (Chovos HaLrvovos) heartw-a.r~ "'~of rtor/M wer! T~~;f;~ks~c~~tion has all the features that made the full size Rabbi Danie! H:i~~nsu~cess: ~ nhefwffEngfish ~ranslation by In An Unrelated Story ' a on~ wit u Y vowehzed Hebrew N !l?xt and English translation on facing pages ow you c.m take this monumental Torah classic with you .. : This masterpiece will take you to the 2-volurnes slipcased far-flung corners of true stories from the earth and to the the King of Story­ deepest sentiments The Complete Eruv tellers. Each gem of your soul. Stories Chatzeiros Guide h•Rd"'"""" in this remarkable and biographies, treasure trove is reflections and The Complete Eruv Chatzeiros Guide provides ansvvers to hun­ dreds of practical questions regarding Eruv Chatzeiros. as inspiring and insights~ they're all uplifting as it is in this wonderful Having gone through two suc<.essful pr·1111ings in the original Hebrew, this popular work is now available to English speaking readers. entertaining and treat for the entire emboldening. family. Reading In lnduchcs extensive footnotes and source material appearing in Simply put, In An An Unrelated Hebrew at the bottom of each pat,>e. Unrelared Story Story is an experi­ is Hanoch Teller ence that you will at the top of his cherish for a life­ . ; if '· .. "" •t di;"verd thi.! -wu.• yet, craft. time! Aiuv 7 yow:Su&pufadf:ime,W do w! ____,,n,£ di;H)tfo'Jet ... The weekly Halachah The Mini-A Midrash and A Maaseh Discussion lh'RnhbiDomd}MudaNfll..'ltldf The Hanoch Teller class"1c for young readers on . f Practical Halachic Topics Related to th_e wee_kly Areview o ,. \ <.oncise stimu\atmg the weekly parashah. Magnificently illustrated p hah lt's the Jerfect comb"1nation: 1ve y, ' h kl with rhyme and prose that make the Shabbos ars · · 1 ll I h h astheyre\atetot ewee Y table come alive with insightful lessons and discussions ?f practica ia ac a . . . 2-volumes snpcased unforgettable stories. 2-vo!umes, slipcased Torah portion. • •• PREVENTION Yeshara Gold

Can "Doing Their Year" in Israel Do Them In?

' ' Doing their year" in Israel has that was ours? "Even for those whose emuna and obser­ become a given in many families. Undeniably, much of Israel has vance were less than optimal," says Rabbi Through their years of Bais Yaakov embraced the lowest common denomi­ Orimland, "the experience of learning and and Yeshiva Ketana, many children know that just nator of the West and made it their own, living in Artzeinu Hakedosha had a positive beyond high school lies their post~graduation and this is reflected in the daily papers, effect." Rabbi Orimland points out that for year in Eretz Yisroel. Many of us remember our monthly periodicals,and media reports on the majority of the children who spend awn year abroad, steeped in kedusha and de.eikus, "special events." a year or two in Israel, the experience is remaining in our hearts as a constant source But what does this have to do with our indeed successful, and can even be trans­ of inspiration. It is only natural that veterans precious neshamos, our children who are forming; yet he wams that cautionary mea­ of a year in Israel look with excited anticipation made from much finer and protected stuff? sures must be taken for all. toward their child's opportunity. But times have According to Rabbi Yaakov Orimland The enrollment of most seminaries and changed. (Menahel Ruchani of Yeshiva Shalom Rav yeshivos is often so full that there is not Whether we are frum from birth or and Sha'arei Bina Women's Seminary in always ample supervision for all students. ba'alei teshuva, we recognize that the very Tsefas), who deals with teen-agers of reli­ And because the parents are not in con­ fabric of our children's lives has been gious background who are at risk - or stant contact with them, the children know altered from ours. Why then should we who have slipped over the brink - we they can get away with conduct and activ­ assume that all of today's children will find must rethink, or at the very least, re-plan ities that would never go at home. their year in Israel the positive experience our child's year in Israel. To insure an uncompromisingly posi­ In the past, the Israeli e>Old City, where they make itual dimension to a child's education. ing their children abroad to maintain their their home. dose kesher (bond) with their teen; he also stresses the importance of having some­ one else, in addition to school personnel, keep an eye and ear out for their com~ ings and goings, and be in touch with their swings of mood and circumstance. "Many of these impressionable kids are experiw encing emotional pain and turmoil that can be readily relieved by communicating or by just engaging in some plain talking?'

ot every child is ready at age eighteen to go away to study and live N abroad. After deliberating on the child's soilleofie ifi heed? unique situation, there should be no stigma or Can you make time to learn with someone? peer pressure on those who decide to remain Would you take a new friend out for dinner? stateside. After all, there are outstanding yeshivas gedolos and seminaries on American shores, as If you answered Y.E.S. to any of these questions please call: well. Teen Mentoring Program of Project Y.E.S. True, hundreds of youths blossom and make great strides by experiencing the 718-375-3900 kedusha of Eretz Yisroel. But alongside the Rabbi Yakov Horowitz, kedusha that is so very great in the land, (1:\ Progra1n f)irector the tuma is also rampant. It can exact a L:.I'J You can make a difference in the life of a tragic influence on our girls and boys. We teen. Please call today! cannot afford to dispatch our sons and daughters across the seas without ade­ PROJECT Y.E.S. (Youth Enrichment Services) is a division of Agudath Israel of America Com~ quately investigating what awaits each, as munity Services, Inc. and is dedicated in 1nemory of Shloime Horowitz. i1"V individuals. •

----·----···------··------48 The Jewish Observer, November 1999 PREVENTION Mrs. Devorah Greenblatt Makin~ ~ur '~nJis"a Mobile Home

WHEN THE SHTETL WALLS CRUMBLE "Don't think you will protect your chil­ to evolve into a catastrophe. dren from the gasse (street). Your chil­ he world in which we are raising dren will be exposed to more tuma OVERCOMING THE PULL OF THE our children is utterly different (defilement) going to the cornerto buy STREET Tfrom the one that we grew up in. a soda than your grandfather did his When I close my eyes and try to peek at whole life in the shtetl." There are chil­ n seeking to foster the relationships that world through the eyes of my chil­ dren from every community, every within one's home, we must realize dren, there is not much that I recognize. type of Orthodox upbringing, whose I that today it is not sufficient for One of the most radical differences is frum homes and yeshiva education things to be just OK. 1b fight the glam­ in the way in which we define our own have not been a sufficient barrier against our, glitz and pull of the street, we must homes. There was a time, not so long the ills of society. What is the solution? have an alternative that is real and more ago, when each member of the family Recently, several yeshiva students went enticing. That alternative is passion, could clearly recognize what was one night to daven at the kever of a great and our children must see our passion. "home;' which dimension was sacro­ tzaddik. As the group reached the cemetery, Take com1nitment, sprinkle it with sanct, where the space was private. one of the boys held back. Realizing he was devotion) warm it on the flame of emo­ When one physically crossed the thresh­ a kohein, his friend came up with an inge­ tion, and you have passion. Rabbi old of one's home, it was understood that nious solution. Finding a discarded refrig­ Wolbe says in his sefer, Planting and they were stepping into another domain, erator box on the street, he pried open the Building in Education, that one half of a reshus hayachid, the domain of the fam­ top, and fashioned a handle on either side. the formula for success with children is ily. What was outside had to remain Voila - the bachur was in his portable bayis Shalom Bayis. Though the love there, unless invited to cross the thresh­ within the cemetery. between husband and wife is private, it old with you. And like the age-old con­ While I certainly cannot comment on spills over and warms and envelops the cept of bayis, a bayis contains, encom­ the halachic viability of this scheme, the other family members. Rabbi Wolbe passes, surrounds, at the same ti1ne that image is valuable. We are all like that refers to this feeling as the warmth of it stands as a physical symbol excluding kohein whose mission requires him to the home, a necessary atmosphere in that which must remain outside its walls. separate himself from tuma, and yet which the children can flourish. It was not so long ago that many of finds himself in the cemetery. Do our children know we are pas­ our grandparents lived in a shtetl, pro­ This must be part of a two-pronged sionate about them? Not just about tected by a double lock, that of the home response. First, we must fortify the what they should not do, but also what and that of the community. Just as when walls of the bayis that our children they mean to us, how much we enjoy the shtetl wall crumbled, and we faced carry with them by strengthening all being with them, how much we believe new challenges that required new of the relationships within the home. in them. Do our children ever see our responses, so too, as the protective wall Second, we have to teach our children passion for Yiddishkeiti Do they see us of bayis is penetrated, a new response how to deal with failure. All the pro­ cry? Do we shed tears when we are is required. tection in the world cannot prevent a move by a shiur or by a righteous per­ Rabbi Hutner ~-~r once remarked, problem, but if children know how to son we have met~ Do we ever shed a tear Mrs. Devorah Greenblatt is the director ofYouth put their own mistakes into perspec­ of sadness for the plight of another Jew? Services for Project YES. tive, then the problem does not have Or a tear of joy for their simcha?

The Jewish Observer, November 1999 49 ON THE SAME TEAM to get out of her house, where she had been locked in for a week, she climbed arents have a natural influence • out of a ground floor window, thereby over their children. During ado­ II please, Hashem, turning on the light on the alarm Plescence, that is challenged. One panel. "Now I am a mechalleles Shab­ way to maintain that influence, neces­ watch over my bos," she sobbed. She certainly made a sary if we are to guide them, is to con­ children. Please help serious mistake. The question is, VVhat vince them that we are on the same team is our message to her? Is there no road as them. As long as the relationship is me to raise them as back? adversarial - if you win, I lose - there How do our children see us deal with are no winners. Once our children come yirei Shamayim, our own failures? Do they see us strug­ to believe that their success is our suc­ gle trying to grow in our Yiddishkeit, and cess, and their setbacks are ours as well, devoted to Your Torah." in that process sometimes having set­ having nothing at all to do with what the backs for which we have remorse? We neighbors will say, we can exercise want our children to "become" com­ influence over our children and give • mitted Torah Jews. Are we also in the guidance to them. tionships there, learns kavod atzmi - self­ process of "becoming;' or are we fin­ There are other factors that can lessen respect - which is a protective shield that ished products? To be alive is to strug­ our ability to influence our teenage chil­ a person takes with him/her into all sit­ gle. It is good to let our children in on dren. We live in a world in which the uations. that ongoing struggle. They may be concept of "kavod'' (honor) has been Since all our best efforts cannot put motivated to struggle also. lost. There is no position or person our children in a protective cocoon, and Finally, we must teach our children whose honor is not challenged. Kavod difficulties will inevitably come their not only to be frum, but to actively cul­ is the ability to feel the weightiness of way, it is essential to teach our children tivate a relationship with n":tj7il. Too someone because we maintain a vision how to deal with failure. David Ham­ many teens say to me, "Why should I be of the whole person. Our ability to elech rn> says," Vechatasi l'negdi samid frum?" They see only an external set of diminish another person sets in when - My sin is always before me." I once rules and miss the essence entirely. We we fragmentize them: the way they look, heard an insightful explanation in the must teach our children through our dress, etc. rather than who they are as name of the Satmar Rebbe7 .. Yr. "Tamid'' own behavior, not through lecture, a whole person. We learn this from is usually translated as continuously. that our Creator is tov u'mativ, that He Ghazal when we are taught "Judge kol The Satmar Rebbe, however, said that loves us no matter what. To teach them ha'adam (lit. every man) favorably" - as tamid means "always at the appropriate that "we cannot get through one day long as we view him as kol ha'adam, all time." We must always remember our without His direct guidance" is indis­ of the person, we can maintain a focus wrong actions at the appropriate times, pensable. Knowledge of Hashem's pres­ on what is positive. An adolescent (par­ whether it is on Yorn Kippur Kattan, dur­ ence and love is life-sustaining nour­ ticularly a girl) starts to see herself as ing the month of Ellul or Asseres Yemei ishment. fragmented. Her body image, her peer Teshuva. The rest of the time, we need At the recent levaya of a tzaddeikes, her relations, are now seen as who she is not remember; we must forget, to allow son-in-law spoke of the impact of entering rather than as aspects of her self. We us to move forward. her kitchen late one night, after the house need to help our children maintain their had long gone to sleep. He saw his moth­ own vision of themselves as whole, THERE IS A ROAD BACK er-in-law at her kitchen table deep in con­ thereby reducing the influence of any of versation. Not wanting to disturb her, he the singular "parts." This is done ne of the saddest things that I paused in the doorway. He realized that through interacting with kavod with our encounter at Project YES are there was no one else in the kitchen, and the children. 0 girls whose perception of them­ telephone was resting in its cradle. "Please, When we must criticize, the Ram­ selves is that they are not frum. One of Hashem," she was saying, "watch over my bam's laws of tochacha1 must be applied. my first Project YES cases was a four­ children. Please help me to raise them as The three conditions are: ( l) We may teen-year-old Bais Yaakov girl who had yirei Shamayim, devoted to Your Torah." never criticize in public. (2) The words been asked to leave her school in the fall All of this while she was still well, before and the tone must be soft. And (3) we of ninth grade. She had a difficult per­ the two-year illness which claimed her life. must convey to them that we want what sonal situation, and when I spoke to her, If her son-in-law was forever changed by this is best for them, not what is best for us she related her story stoically and in a encounter, need we speak of the effect on a - and believe me, they know the differ­ monotone. In over two hours talking, son or daughter? • ence. A young person who sees kavod she cried only once, as she told me the modeled in the home in all the rela- following: One Friday night, desperate 1 Hilchos De'os 6:7

50 The Jewish Observer, November 7999 PREVENTION Rabbi Yakov Horowitz

Report from Ground Zero,

AL REGEL ACHAS ... ON ONE FOOT at once. Many, however, are finding it their home is a sense of happiness, sim­ very, very difficult. chas hachayim. f we are going to have an impact on Those who deal with at-risk teens As vigilant as we must be to shield the frightening trend of young men almost unanimously agree that the our children from the influences of sec­ I and women abandoning the teach­ greatest factor that puts children at risk ular society, ultimately, our greatest ings of our yeshiva and Bais Yaakov sys­ is lack of simcha and shalom bayis' at defense against this onslaught is to cre­ tem, we will need to improve the over­ home. ate a happy and stable home life for our all quality of our home life. There is a Yes, some children just seem to be children. We must keep our eye on that common inclination to lay the blame for born "difficult!' Some have an ornery goal and do everything possible in our these problems on families in crisis. This disposition. Others have an innate power to see to it that the quality of our type of thinking, however, does not do propensity to challenge authority. Some home life is as good as possible. justice to such a difficult and complex are extremely restless and simply not cut issue. We must avoid the tendency to out for a ten-hour school day. Many A TIME FOR ACTION attribute all of the blame on the "bro­ have significant learning disabilities. ken homes," and work to minimize the Experience has shown, however, that t is not the intent of these lines to tension levels in all of our homes. children from warm, loving homes discuss the broad-based issues relat­ Several years ago, at an Agudath Israel have the best chance of overpowering I ed to the topic of at-risk teens. We National Convention, Mori Verabi Rabbi these difficulties and becoming well­ do, however, need to implement some Avrohom Pam N"1"?"' quoted The adjusted adults despite having risk fac­ initiatives and solutions that relate to the Steipler ?":.t as having said, "Hatzlocha tors3. topic of this article - tbe improvement rnit kinder (success with one's children) But children can never get used to of our home life. is 50% shalom bayis, and 50% tefilla:' bickering. Stress. Unhappiness. Neg­ I. Shalom Bayis Classes: One thing is painfully clear. Our ative comments. Emotional abuse. During shana rishona (the first year home life is under assault. It is not These create unhappy, distracted chil­ of married life) when a young couple is merely the unraveling of the moral fab­ dren who are unable to concentrate in at the critical stage of developing their ric of secular society and its effect on school. They develop an intense distrust relationship, it should become the (even) our insular community. Our of authority figures, and barbor a sim­ accepted societal norm5 for both spous­ homes are under assault. Longer work mering rage at an adult world that can­ es to attend a series of four, six, or per­ hours for both spouses, the exponential not seem to get its act together and pro­ haps eight classes on shalom bayis. increase of our sirncha schedule and vide them with a peaceful environment Although the newlywed couple may not social obligations, and the increased bur­ in which to grow up and thrive. This think so, this is the ideal time to do this. den of providing parnassa for our holds true for all households - includ­ Young couples have a reasonable growing families are taking their toll on ing two-parent ones. amount of discretionary time, and can the tranquility and simchas hachayim So, a short response to the frightened begin to prepare their home to be a rest­ (joie de vivre) of our home life. Many parents wbo ask - al regel achas- what ing place for the Shechina and a nur­ of us are able to maintain this juggling they can do to 'protect' their family from turing environment for their children to act and keep all of these balls in the air the ravages of the counterculture that thrive in. threatens their boys and girls is the Many young men and women lack Rabbi Horowitz, Menahel of Yeshiva Darchei poignant comment of Rabbi Chaim proper role models for establishing a rela­ Noam (Monsey), and director of Project Y.E.S., Pinchas Sheinberg N··1"?w, Rosh Yeshiva tionship based on mutual respect and was last represented in these pages by his trib­ of Torah Ohr', that the most important ute to Rabbi Moshe Sherer~, "Basic Training" trust, or simply were not exposed to the (June '98), thing that parents need to maintain in positive influence of the parents' home

The Jewish Observer, November 1999 51 during crucial years. Training helps. Edu­ restaurant and spend at least one hour mine at a public gathering. She had cation helps. More so, a good mentor will together, conversing, prior to each session. been recently divorced and asked him provide an opportunity for young cou­ This, the therapist felt, was far more effec­ to arrange for someone to take her ples to seek guidance when the inevitable tive than his time with the young woman. school-age sons to shul on Shabbos. He bumps6 will occur. Many couples are Similarly, it is great training for a related to me that his initial reaction was uncomfortable going to their parents for young couple to spend time together that a situation like this would be direction at this critical stage in their lives. growing as parents and sharing in the unthinkable in a small town, or in a 2. Parenting Classes raising of their children'. The practi­ kehilla-type shul setting. People often Here, too, education is the key. It cal tips and skills that are imparted at speak about children falling through the would be naive to think that any one these sessions greatly improve the qual­ cracks. The reality is that all too often, person has all the answers to the diffi­ ity of the home life as parents are trained it is the families that are falling through cult questions that parenting requires. to deal with the many issues and chal­ the cracks. Many, many parents, however, have told lenges that they face on a daily basis. In large metropolitan areas, where me how their home life was immea­ Yes, our parents seem to have done most Orthodox Jews live, one can daven surably improved as a result of attend­ a decent job raising us without attend­ in several shuls throughout the week ing parenting workshops. ing lectures or reading books, but times without being a member in any of them. At a recent symposium, Rabbi Shmuel have changed and our children are faced Although this may be very convenient KamenetskyN"'-"'7vl related the story ofa with temptations that we never had. for the individual mispallel, the family young woman who was experiencing sig­ Good parenting skills do not always - lost in the anonymity of city life - for­ nificant difficulty at home and in school. result in wonderful children. Effective goes the unique protection that the Professional counseling was recommend­ parenting, however, can significantly kehilla has to offer. An involved Rabbi ed. After several sessions, a remarkable improve the likelihood that a difficult and Rebbetzin guide young couples improvement was noted by all. Reb child will grow into a well-adjusted, pro­ and their children through the Shmuel related that the therapist told him ductive adult. inevitable difficulties that they will that he had instructed the mother to take 3. Strengthening the Kehilla encounter. They are there to notice her daughter out of school for lunch in a A woman approached a colleague of troubling tendencies in shalom bayi~ the chinuch of the children, or any one of a host of issues. It is critical in the development of a Torah home that the family belong to a kehilla, attend shiurim, and above all, THE YE§HKVA OF NEW HAVEN to actively nurture a relationship with is now accepting applications for Elul 5760. the Rabbi and Rebbetzin of the shul. Doing so will add many strands to the • Shiurim with the communal safety net that we so des­ Rosh Yeshiva perately need. • Excellent Rebbeim 4. Simcha Schedules • Superior high school People are always asking what has changed so dramatically (regarding the curriculum at-risk teen issue) in the past decade. • Attractive, spacious There are some obvious answers - and dormitories more subtle ones. One of those that • Friendly, warm fall into the latter category is that we atmosphere are more "stressed out" than any gen­ eration ever was. Please allow me to rephrase this. We are not home A Mesifta offering serious learning, preparing bochurim enough. Our family life is unraveling. for the best Yeshivas as well as for advanced general studies. We are working longer hours in more Rabbi Emanuel Gettinger x"u•?w, Rosh Yeshiva stressful situations. Perhaps much of Rabbi Daniel Greer, Dean this is unavoidable, with the enormous pressure to provide parnassa for our 195 Norton Street, New Haven, Connecticut 06511 growing families. One area, however, Approved by Stare of Connecticut Department of Educarion where significant improvement is not only possible but absolutely necessary For applications call (203) 777-7199 is our simcha schedules.

52 The Jewish Observer, November 1999 Our gedolim have - for years now ents go Kiddush hopping until well While statistically, children from bro­ - been requesting that we limit con­ past noontime - with the unrealistic ken homes are in a high-risk catego­ spicuous consumption at our simchos. expectation of coming home to a clean ry, it is only so, in my opinion, when Although there are some exceptions, home and relaxed children; or leave there is strife and unhappiness in the as a group, we have been reluctant to their children" with friends or rela­ child's life. Children can adjust to the take their advices. If we cannot or will tives to attend weekend Bar Mitzvas. painful reality of growing up in a sin­ not bite the bullet for the sake of a It is of great importance that we gle-parent household- when both par­ lifestyle of tzeniyus, then asei lemaan pause and take stock of our objective ents maturely put their own feelings tinnokos she! beis rabban - let us do so for our Shabbosos. We must strive to aside for the sake of the children. for the sake of our children. create - at least once a week - this zone Please allow me to share with you Every evening that we dress up after of menucha (tranquility) in our homes two incidents regarding children from a busy workday and travel a half hour so that our children can relax and look broken homes that I am currently to wish a young couple maze[ tov at a forward to this special day with their involved with 14 • With the help of lechayim (to be followed by a vort, family. Hashem, I am confident that the first wedding' and Sheva Berachos), we are child will mature into a self-confident, depriving our own children of des­ THE 'BROKEN HOME' COMPONENT well-adjusted young woman. I hope perately, desperately needed quiet that I am wrong, but I do not share time with us. llow me to state the obvious. that optimism about the teenager in While I am not recommending that Child_ren's needs are best served the second story. we all become social dropouts and A growing up in a two-parent Aviva is a bright six-year old girl refuse to atten

The Jewish Observer, November 1999 53 chinuch and secular education, even the only child in shul without a father." s1t1ve human beings, and become attending Parent-Teacher Conferences This reasonable request was refused, and exceptional spouses and parents, hav­ together. Recently, Aviva went through he was informed that any attempt on his ing learned at an early age to appre­ a difficult week when she was quite rude part to follow through on this plan would ciate life to its fullest. And yes, they to her mother. Her mother's response result in court action. usually develop an incredibly close was to call her ex-husband and discuss Yossie is currently a bitter young man relationship with the surviving parent the matter with him. Twenty minutes who has been in several yeshivas in the who raised and nurtured them under later, the doorbell rang. It was Aviva's past two years. He spends his nights such difficult circumstances. father. He took Aviva for a drive and "hanging out," and has a strained discussed with her the importance of relationship with both his parents. MA TOVU OHALECHA YAAKOV treating her mother with respect. It is of paramount importance Throughout the following week, Aviva's that in the event of a divorce, all par­ t is interesting to note that the ini­ parents conversed nightly with each ties design a plan of action that will tial attraction to Yiddishkeit for other to monitor the situation. provide the children with the most I many chozrei b'teshuva is not a * * * pleasant home environment that is beautiful d'var Torah or deep thoughts Yossie's parents divorced three years possible under the circumstances. of hashkafa, but rather their partici­ ago. It was a messy divorce, with end­ pation in the warm atmosphere of a less litigation about joint assets, custody THE THIRD PARTNER Jewish family sitting around the Shab­ and visitation. Yossie's father threatened bos table. Throughout the generations, to withhold a get until he would receive or the record, I do not think that our homes have always been the favorable conditions in the asset distri­ children from orphaned homes anchor in our lives and one of the pri­ bution. Yossie, then thirteen years old, Fare included in the high-risk cat­ mary sources of the transmission of and his three siblings were made to egory. Aside from the pledge of the our Mesora to future generations. appear before a judge to respond to Ribbono Shel Olam - the Avi And it is in our homes - down in the highly personal questions about their Hayesomim - to watch over his special trenches - that our generation's relationship with the two parents. children, anecdotal evidence would milchemes hayeitzer (battle for spiri­ This past Yorn Kippur was not on the indicate that the overwhelming tual survival) is being fought. father's court-mandated visitation majority of yesomim grow to become May the Ribbono Shel Olam grant schedule. (All nine days ofSuccos were.) well-adjusted, very often outstanding us the wisdom and siyata diShmaya to Yossie's father asked his ex-wife for per­ young men and women. Fired in the create the type of home life for our mission to spend Yorn Kippur locally (he crucible of the pain and loneliness of children that will inculcate them with has since moved away from his former losing a parent, they often outgrow the Torah values and prepare them to community) and meet Yossie in shul for inevitable «why me?" phase, mature transmit our timeless Mesora to yet the davening so that ''Yossie shouldn't be earlier than their peers, are more sen- another generation. • l Ground Zero refers to the epicenter of an explo­ happy, well-adjusted children. is the outrageous 60-90 minute picture session sion - the exact spot where a bomb explodes. 5 If our community succeeded in instituting the following the chupa that has unfortunately become the norm at our simchos. Proper plan­ 2 As the Gemora (Shabbos 23b) clearly indicates, pre-marital screening test for the dreaded Tay­ Sachs disease - as part of the outstanding Dor ning of weddings must take place to eliminate this the phrase shalom bayis is not limited to harmony needless delay. between husband and wife (or lack thereof). I Yeshorim program - we can marshal our ener­ refer to the overall sense of tranquility and sim­ gy and collective talents to initiate shalom bayis 10 Comparable to the World-to-Come chas hachayin1. and parenting classes to eradicate the more com­ 11 I often tell parents that if they wish to get a sam­ mon epidemics of divorce and drop-out teens. 3 It is important to note that there are children who ple of what they are subjecting their children to - have none ofthese factors, who come from warm, lov­ 6 Several mental health professionals have men­ long conversations that are meaningless to some ing homes, and slip through the cracks nonetheless. tioned to me that the birth of the first child, and of the participants - they should have one of their financial pressure after parental support for the teenage children invite a dozen of their friends to 4 Rabbi Sheinberg said," David HaMelech says in young couple is eliminated, are great sources of the house for a meal. Then both parents should Tehillim (119, 111), 'Nachalti eidvosecha l'olam ki stress in young married couples. At that point, sit quietly for one hour listening to their conver­ sasson libi hey1na - I am in eternal possession of however, there is less time for the couples to work sation. your statutes, for they are the joy of my heart."' on improving their marriage. Rabbi Sheinberg commented that there are two 12 Parents should never, ever leave their teenage levels of happiness. Simcha is an internal con­ 7 Many yeshivas and day schools have initiated a children at home for Shabboswithout adult super­ tentment with one's position in life. Sasson is series of parenting workshops that the entire par­ vision. In today's climate, it is a recipe for dis­ when the inner peace manifests itself in a display ent body is required to attend. In fact, a yeshi­ aster - especially in large metropolitan areas. of external happiness. He explained that when va in the New York Metropolitan area actually 13 A noted therapist recently mentioned to me raising children, it is not merely enough to attain offers a tuition discount to parents who attend that he is like the mizbayach. The mizbayach, he that ever-elusive goal of inner peace, simcha. A the entire workshop series. pointed out, was singled out as shedding the tears, sense of happiness and simchas hachayim, sass on, 8 A must-read is Professor Aaron Twerski's arti­ since the mizbayach seeks korbanos everyday. must emanate from the home in order to create cle, "Are Things Bubbling Over?" (JO, Feb. '96) 14 Natnes changed to protect the identities of the the optimum environment in which to raise 9 One area that is in critical need of improvement children and their families.

54 The Jewish Observer, November 1999 GUIDANCE

BECHIRA/FREEDOM OF CHOICE &PSYCHOLOGY

by Rabbi Joseph Elias

The emergence of modem psychol­ shorter-term duration. These indude to utilize Orthodox, mental health pro­ ogy, with its claim to be an exact science, such schools as cognitive/behavioral fessionals.) was marked by three crucial ideas: techniques, family systems approaches, Traditionally,Rabbanim,Rabbe'im, and I. Man is not pOssessed Of a Divine­ ego ps)'thology, dynamic advances in psy­ Me.:hanchei Hodor have always played a ly-given soul.but is governed by his phys­ chopharmacology, logotherapy and com­ crucial role in helping those in need - and ical and psychological apparatus-drives, binations of the above. they contiOue to do so today. Howev­ instinctsj compulsions, etc. They recognize that mentalillness er.the complexities oftoday'sworld and 2.- 'F.-E!edom of will, bechira, is an illu­ and dysfunctional behavior (when not its accompanying stressors, wreak sion, sinc:e Man's thoughts and actions related to biochemical or genetic unprecedented, emotional havo_c on are determined essentially by his ps)'the; processes) reflect one*s deficiency in see­ fragile psyches and vulnerable families. In hence, there is really no moral _respon­ ing reality properly-whether in inter­ this age of specialization, we -are 'fortu­ sibility. (This is in contrast with the Torah personal relationships or in controlling nate that the greater Torah community view th~ while a person is of course cir­ one's own emotions. These mental contains within it scores of men and cumscribed to a degree by his Phrsical, health practitioners seek to lead the women who are able to meld their clin­ psychological, and intellectual limita­ patient to a more correct perception of ical expertise with their unyielding Torah tions, this by no means robs him of his the world and reality weltanschauung. These - professionals freedom of choice.) These approaches are acceptable work in tandem with their own careful­ 3. Religion - including belief in G-d - 'indEied, laudatory - when adminis­ ly selected Rabbanim/Poskim, .who men, - is merely a construct of Man's -mind, tered in-a lorah-true environment by tor the therapeutic process and ensure meant to serve certain presumed psy­ a therapist who is steeped in Torah val­ lts fldefity to halacha and Torah hashkafa. Chological needs. ues and an uncompromising gestoft Failing to make appropriate use of Obviously, these teachings, and the immersed in Torah hashkofo. The these services - _or even delaying to practitioners who applied them in treat­ patient is then secure; his belief sys­ call until it may be too late - is clear~ ing their patients, were- and are-total­ tem will always be fortified, never chal­ ly inadvisable. As always, Rabbinic guid­ ly unacceptable to the Torah. lenged. (See lgros Moshe, Yoreh De'ah ance should be sought for appropri­ The past tw0 decades, however. have 1157, p.77 for a discussion of the need ate referral. • been witness to a marked diminution in the respect and popularity once offered to these schools of psychoanalytic the­ ory (Freud et a~. Many prevailing schools BCC IS EVERY GIRL'S DREAM••• in psychopathology are rapidly replacing The Best Summer in Israel camping/touring program the aforementioned animalistit and for Frum girls ages 10-17 deterministic purview of man, with a • 6 weeks of over 22 Exciting Tours, Daily Shiurim, ~~'\ broader, more systemic, and yes, even Hiking, Climbing, Drama, Music, Dance, Arts & Crafts ~--- ______,,,."'"- ,j-~':. board of The Jewish Observer, is the author of a number of published works, includlng a new translation and commentary on Rabbi S.R. Hirsch's The Nineteen Letters (Feld­ heim). He acknowledges Dr. Yaakov Salomon for his valuable contribution to this discussion. (718) 282-6350 I 941-5500 • (800) 442-2295 '------DirectedbyZishe & D'vora Zelman. ------

The Jewish Observer, November 1999 55 .... --111111a- .. ~ LIFETIME CARE ~IS EZRA FOUNDATION Please call 718-851-6300 for more information /···,.:,·:;:.:.::·. '.• .:... }\ .. . ~to Thelf

When Should Therapy be Utilized? members need to be in therapy. Gen­ abbi Yisroel Salanter comn1ent­ erally it will suffice if the parents and ed that it is often easier to learn t is unfortunately all too common the struggling child attend. Never, Rthe entire Talmud than to change that people tend to wait until they however, overlook the fact that other one midda or personal attribute. All too I are facing an e1nergency before they children in the family may be very often, families come to us with heart­ seek help. The hard reality is that help­ conflicted as they watch the crisis wrenching circumstances after having ing redirect a defiant, rebellious teenag­ develop. It is wise to ask them if they exhausted every other channel of help er into a better direction is a hundred would like to talk with someone out­ and advice. They turn to the therapist times harder than addressing his diffi­ side the family to vent their own frus­ with a mixture of hope and skepticism culties while he is still in single digits. trations. Don't push it on the1n, just sometimes aggravated by a fundamen­ If you notice any distinct change in offer it. It is surprising how often they tal misunderstanding of how psy­ mood, or markedly defiant behavior in will say yes. The important thing is to chotherapy works and what they can your child, a consultation with a ther­ resist "sending the sick kid to get help"! expect from it. apist may be indicated. You may be reas­ Make sure that you communicate to The purpose of this article is to sured by the therapist that a normal him that you feel in as much need of address What can therapy offer in such process of development is occurring. help as anyone, and that you are more situations? When should therapy be Not every troublesome child is a child than willing to seek help yourself in utilized? Who is the client? How do you with a problem. Not every child with order to make your home a happier best get an uncooperative child to a problem needs psychotherapy. On the one for him. attend sessions in a productive way? other hand, you may be fortunate that What are realistic expectations you can the therapist can help you to recognize How do you get an uncooperative child to hope for from the therapy? Is it impor­ a serious problem that has potential to attend sessions in a productive way? tant that the therapist be frum? Where bring harm to a child's development, do you find a frum experienced ther­ when it is still in its infancy, and as a famous psychiatrist once suc­ apist? Will going to therapy stigmatize result you will have the opportunity to inctly summed up the paradox you and affect shidduchim for your nip it in the bud. Remember Chazal f people's motivation to change: other children? How often and for how admonish us that "ayn adam ro'eh "Patients come to therapy for two rea­ long should you expect to be having nigay atzmo." No one can be totally sons. One is to change and the other is sessions? When docs therapy end? objective about his or her own situation. to stay the same:' Everyone both resists Last, but surely not least, we try to We all can benefit from an outside objec­ and desires change. It is normal and to address some of the hashkafa questions tive view of our situation. be expected that most teenagers will balk that invariably emerge when engaged at spending an hour of their precious in a treatment or practice so closely Who Is the Client? time talking to a middle-aged "shrink." linked to one's thoughts and beliefs. Fighting or locking horns with the teen --·---·------Dr. Norman Blumenthal is represented by"The ry to avoid seeing "the client" as over this n1atter is a waste of time. Try TOVA Program - Adding to the Full Vessel;' only the child. When a child is to avoid making him think that you see which appears earlier in this issue. going through a crisis or him as sick or crazy. Instead the teen Rabbi Russel is a co-author of "The 'At-Risk T Child': Early Identification and Intervention;' also rebelling, the entire family is often should be encouraged just to try one visit in this issue. Their biographies appear in their embroiled and also seen as "the client." allowing for the dispelling of any mis­ respective articles. That does not mean that all family conceptions about therapy. Oftentimes,

------·------··------·------The Jewish Observer, November 1999 57 one visit is enough to win the youngster tations. When a patient asks us to change munity, other than the dysfunctional over. He can also be told that the situa­ him, we often respond, "I can't change ones in which he may well feel inextri­ tion is a family problem probably requir­ you - I can only help you be better at cably trapped. ing the parents' participation as well. whom you are." A similar approach is to let the teen Essentially, we don't change people's Why is it important that know that you are going to seek help to inherent nature. Rather we help remove the therapist be fruml improve your relationship with him, and the impediments to their being more that he is invited and welcome to join fulfilled and functional human beings, or the clinician, the bedrock of now or whenever he feels ready. Assur­ and observant Torah Jews. Many alum­ successful psychotherapy is his ances of confidentiality and how "nor­ ni of successful therapy feel that dor­ Fability to empathize. The under­ mal" it is to resist attending therapy mant and suppressed aspects of their standing fostered by true empathy should be conveyed as well. Should you unique and worthwhile personality allows the therapist an instinctive sense have your own doubts about psy­ have been freed up, allowing them to live to determine which of the numerous chotherapy, the therapist, or the costs happier and healthier lives. therapeutic techniques that are available involved, avoid expressing them to the With the rebellious and angry teen, to him, are optimally applied to this child. This may only lead to exacerbat­ much of the work requires helping the client system. Furthermore, from a ing his preexisting reluctance to go to family reclaim the love and commitment strictly professional point of view it is therapy. to one another that may have been side­ hard to imagine the therapist being able tracked by a long-standing sense of hurt to truly empathize with the client, What are realistic expectations you can and betrayal. For the teen himself, unless he can profoundly relate to, and hope for from the therapy/ therapy is an opportunity to reexamine appreciate the sincere religious affilia­ and explore where he fits in both his tion and yearning and struggles of the nly Hashem can perform mira­ family and in his community. He can client. cles. Therapy, as an instrument hopefully then learn more appropriate Additionally there are unique 0 developed and practiced by forms of expression of himself as a val­ halachic issues that invariably emerge in humans, has both strengths and limi- ued member of his family and com-, the course of psychotherapy. A practi­ tioner who has access to poskim insures the halachic propriety of the therapy. Even hashkafa issues are part and par­ cel of the therapist's immersing himself in someone else's life. This is particularly true when working with a rebellious teenager, who may well be straddling the line between the frum and the secular world. Stories abound of secular and Newsletters non-Jewish therapists incorrectly inter­ Copywriting preting the teenager's struggles as being Annual Reports Presentation Folders a natural life transition, and actually Color!B&WPrinting Posters encouraging the teenager's behavior and the parents and community to learn to accept it! Rachmona Litzlan. Obvious­ Perfecting vour Image ly this can be avoided by using a ther­ apist with a background of Torah learn­ is our aonom Line ing and observance. Such a therapist is in the best position to integrate an Today, the right image is everything. at have been We, Bottom Line Design, authentic Jewish outlook into the prac­ successfully enhancing the image ofour full spectrnm ofsatisfied clients since tice of psychotherapy. The experienced 1992. Our devotion to creativity, accuracy and honesty continues to be the Torah observant therapist will natural­ hallmark ofour company. Rely on to make your image Bottom Line Design ly reject the above false understanding work you. Call todayfor samples of ourwork and discover how our for designs of the teenager's struggles. can enhance your bottom line! A final point. By the time they have come to the therapist's office, many teens Yitzchok Saftlas, President I Art Director are quite bitter and cynically "turned 718.37l4587 1577Coney Island Avenue. Brooklyn, NY 11230 off" by the traditional Torah or yeshi­ va perspective. The clinician's use of

58 The Jewish Observer, November 1999 frum terminology or perspective can therapist should be considered. It is experience need to be more tolerant and instantly lead to a tuning out or rejec­ entirely possible that one practitioner understanding of these families without tion of what the therapist has to say or ideally suited for one client would be less exacerbating their pain by scrutinizing even the entire therapy process. Like so than perfect for another, given their them for faults and shortcomings. many of those who work in kiruv, the respective and mutual personalities therapist may have to reach the teen by and styles of relating. How often and for how long should you drawing upon more secular or conven­ expect to be having sessions, and when does tional ideas and concepts to bring him Will going to therapy stigmatize you and therapy end? close enough to Yiddishkeit again and affect shidduchim for your other children? ultimately draw more freely upon our aving been previously domi­ sacred sources and outlook. For exam­ oth government laws and profes­ nated by theories and practices ple, very often the behavior of rebellious sional ethics mandate full confi­ H that prescribe lengthy and con­ teenagers can be discussed from the Bdentiality for those attending suming treatments, there is a perception point of view of personal morality, while psychotherapy. More importantly, our that psychotherapy requires years "on the same teenagers will remain unap­ Torah forbids the disclosure of person­ the couch" or tedious and endless proachable from the point of view of al information under almost all cir­ endeavor. The truth is that there are religion. Only a frum therapist can have cumstances regardless of whether the today more active and focused treat­ a true feel for that distinction, and con­ information is acquired professionally ments geared towards more rapid and sequently determine how best to or otherwise. It is, therefore, a safe pre­ identifiable change. approach the child. sumption that your or your child's atten­ It is hard to pinpoint an exact sched­ (See psak of Rabbi Moshe Feinstein, dance in psychotherapy will not be pub­ ule for psychotherapy since much .,.. "' in Igros Moshe, Yoreh De'ah 2: 57, lic information. depends on the severity of the problems. where he writes that one should not seek While we should naturally be discreet If there is steady progress, the rate or help from a psychotherapist that is either about personal and family matters and extent of change at that moment mat­ an atheist or an agnostic, unless there is should concern ourselves with our rep­ ters little since personal growth devel­ no frum therapist available and the ther­ utation, one could easily suggest that as ops a momentum of its own that can apist guarantees in advance not to discuss a community we have gone overboard extend even beyond the scheduled ses­ any issues that relate to Torah or mitzvos.) in this matter. At least as important as sions of psychotherapy. The anticipat­ our "marketability" in the shidduch ed length of therapy is a legitimate ques­ Where do you find a frum scene, should be the well-being of our tion that one should not hesitate to ask experienced therapist? children and family. of the psychotherapist once he has had Taking this a step further, while a chance to size things up. any of us can recall a time knowledge that a family is struggling Similarly, the termination of ther­ when Orthodox psychothera­ with children or family relationships apy is usually a collaborative process M pists were few and far could be perceived as a blemish, allow­ that occurs naturally between the between. Today there are a growing ing an incipient problem to fester and client and the therapist. Ideally, both number of frum and Torah educated grow can only further embarrass and clinicians particularly in the large cities. humiliate all involved. The potential Recent conferences for an internation­ shame of being seen leaving a thera­ Can we help you learn al organization of Orthodox mental pist's office is far outweighed by the health professionals hosted close to five almost inevitable hardship, pain and Torah every day? hundred participants. shame of an untreated personal or fam­ Rabbanim, mechanchim and pedia­ ily problem. We will send you the Luach for tricians often refer to psychotherapists, Those of us immersed in this unfor­ mishna and halacha yomis. and are probably in an optimal position tunately escalating problem of rebellious Join the thousands and you will to recommend a therapist for a family teens, know fully well the extent to which enjoy the blessings of Torah. struggling with a rebellious teen. There this nisayon is present and how many We will send you the Luach free. are many communal organizations that families have been affected. It is often have developed lists of such practition­ shocking and bewildering how homes Write or call: ers, such as "The Yitti Leibel Help Line" replete with genuine Torah observance Rabbi Elias Karp (Tel 718 435-7669), and "Echo" (Tel: 914 and true family harmony, struggle with 4701 lSth Avenue, #3C. Brooklyn, NY 11219 425-9759). The relationship with the a child or children who are teetering on therapist is critical to the success of the the brink of kefira and secular pursuits. (718) 851-0770 therapy. Consequently the match Those who, through Divine provi­ In memory of Rabbi & Mrs. Charles Batt Hartford, Conn. between the child and/or family and the dence, are spared this heart-wrenching

The Jewish Observer, November 1999 59 should be in agreement as to when the Hasn't the practice of therapy been underlying cause of man's neuroses was therapeutic relationship is no longer developed by secular theoreticians who that organized religion and society had needed. It is tempting for the client to either deny or are oblivious to basic tennets artificially imposed restrictions upon end therapy when the presenting of Torah Judaism such as bechira chafshis, man's innate primal instincts and problem or crisis they brought in absolute versus relative values, kevishas desires. These impositions, he believed, appears to have diminished. Often this hayeitzer, kibbud av v' eim, and the like? have prevented man from acting upon is just a temporary state or a reflection these primal impulses and presumably of early but incomplete resolution, es and no! The original formula­ finding emotional relief and pleasure by brought on by bringing things into the tions that inspired the develop­ indulging these powerful forces that lay open. In truth, the real underlying Yment of the entire field are attrib­ within him. Since its foundation, how­ issues may not yet have been touched. uted to Sigmund Freud, an atheist who ever, from his students and on, questions This can take time and patience on believed like Darwin that man evolved have been raised as to the validity of his both the clients' and the therapists' from apes, and was not a uniquely postulations. Many present day practi­ parts to achieve. Divine creation. He believed that the tioners have moved far from Freudian theory and instead lean heavily on other approaches such as systemic psy­ chotherapy, and cognitive behavioral therapy. Systemic psychotherapy, derived from systems theory, seeks to understand peo­ ple's psychological problems and diffi­ culties more in terms of conflicts in their significant relationships than in pre­ sumed underlying frustration of their innate animal instincts. In doing so, they have moved away from discussion about man's origin and instinctual ani­ mal desires, and moved instead towards seeking a better understanding of how an individual's family culture and sys­ tem, life experience, particular nature, desires and hopes, goals and aspirations, and so on, impact upon his ability to find happiness in his life. Cognitive behavioral therapy focuses on altering specific behaviors or thoughts that engender depression, anxiety and the like. These theories do not concern themselves with any particular belief sys­ tem or religion in general, and can be applied without tampering with one's Torah observance.

Can a treatment so linked to one's beliefs and outlooks, but developed for humankind at large, apply to a Jew with his unique heritage and status?

t is quite conceivable that even a secular professional may employ I the right intervention with positive results, even if his theoretical back­ ground is, from our point of view, dead wrong. In the hands of even a highly skilled secular psychotherapist, how-

60 The Jewish Observer, November 1999 ever, the results of treat1nent while quite type of day-in-day-out methodology In Summary possibly of value, will likely be limit­ that is the hallmark of successful psy­ ed, and possibly be spiritually damag­ chotherapy. In the field of chinuch, the y now the entire Torah observant ing. Today we are fortunate to have the optimal methods of teaching are best community is well aware of the availability of many skilled frum men­ known to those who have exhaustive­ Btragic incidents of our teenagers tal health professionals who have ly studied our Torah. Nevertheless, no at risk. A major source of help and sup­ worked hard to filter out the parts of one would suggest that schools should port for both these children and their their training that stood in contradic­ be staffed only with talmidei families is available through the prac­ tion to our values as Torah observant chachamim as teachers. The Rabbanim tice of psychotherapy. It is time for the Jews. Many of these professionals have guide teachers and are available as community at large to recognize that spent years in yeshiva and kollel. Most, resources, while the actual daily imple­ many of the prevailing beliefs about if not all, have a close relationship with mentation of educational techniques is both psychotherapy and its practi­ a Rav, whose guidance they seek to help done by trained pedagogues. tioners are both outdated and obsolete. them utilize, where appropriate, the Likewise, the frum therapist uses the The current reality reflects a brand of skills they have learnt, without being techniques and methodology acquired psychotherapy and practitioners that influenced by the mistaken secular the­ through his professional training, all are aligned with Ghazal and their ories behind them. the while trying to maintain his study teachings. We must promote the uti­ Furthermore, properly applied psy­ of Torah and regularly discussing lization of these valuable resources as chotherapy can actually enhance one's issues and concerns with designated a critical element in the battle to reach spiritual life and practice. Someone Rabbanim. These Rabbanim are then and redirect these precious neshamos. beset by distress, morbid preoccupa­ able, when they feel it is appropriate, In concert with mechanchim, Rabban­ tion, tension or panic, distracting to refer to therapists with whom they im and caring baalebattim, the frum habits or thoughts and the like, cannot are familiar and who they feel confident psychotherapist is often a key player in adequately attend to his learning, dav­ are able to deliver therapy consistent this milchemes mitzva, the sacred ening or shemiras ha'mitzvos. Similar­ with Torah values. struggle. • ly, co1nmon life stressers such as mar­ ital or family discord, illness or undue interpersonal and financial problems can hardly foster the equanimity and focus needed for a lifestyle governed by Torah. Once freed of these impedi- Now you can maintain a regular learning program with a 1nents and obstacles, the client can Talmud scholar who will challenge your mind. attain new heights of shen1iras Beginners. Intermediate. Advanced. Semicha studies. ha'mitzvos and limud ha Torah. Thera­ pists who continue to draw on their For more information call: 212-280-2860 yeshiva background cannot help but to see the spiritual advancement of their clients as the ultimate barometer of suc­ cessful treatment and intervention.

Aren't all the answers to human suffering and hardship in our Torah, and wouldn't it Ar hon1e - in rhe car - or whenever rhe rin1e is right for you, experience the flavor suffice to consult a ta/mid chacham rather and exciten1enr of a Mussar Shn1urss that inspires hundreds of Bnd Torah weekly ar the foren1osr Makon1 Torah of our tin1es. · than a therapist? l11e beis 111edrash Sh111uessen given ar Beth Medrash Govoha. lakewood, by the Mashgiach, HaRav Marrisyohu Salo1no11 l'<"D1'Jv, are now available to the general public here can be no doubt that all on rape via a convenient subscription progran1. truths and formulae for human ll1rough your annual subscription, you will receive an audio rape of each Shn1uess Tfulfillment are embedded in the given, delivered righr ro your door. You 111ay also order fro111 a collection of past Torah and in the writings of our Sh111uessen and given at the Yeshiva in series forn1. Ghazal. Consulting regularly with a FOR SUBSCRlrTION INFORMATION ta/mid chacham is essential not only for AND LIST OF Tories CURRENTL y AVAILABLE CALL TODA y: the prospective therapy client, but for 1 " ?3~2:~~~· w,~ ~ 11 ~tEX~· ~l?~ ,ttA,r1)(\0"fAX 73J,.8~6-5053 Wi the clinician as well. It is, however, 4 unrealistic to expect a Rav to have the ~BETH MEDRASH GOVOHA AUDIO time or technical know-how for the ""l.JI"" 617 SIXTH STREET· LAKEWOOD, NJ 08701

The Jewish Observer, November 1999 61 GUIDANCE Zalman Lachman, M.S. W. hen Conventional Parenting Is Not Enough Dealing with a New "American Crisis"

"THESE ARE THE TIMES THAT In the 30's and 40's we were losing most son described in Reb Mendel and His TRYMEN'S SOULS:' of our children, and it didn't matter if Wisdom, the wonderful biography of the home was frum or not. The main Rabbi Mendel Kaplan, so ably written n 1776, when Thomas Paine wrote communal support system was the by Yisroel Greenwald (Mesorah these words in The American Crisis, shul, there were few if any other insti­ Artscroll, 1994). My friend said it to his I he was referring to the nascent tutions. The father's or mother's inde­ son in this way: "I want you to have the American Revolution, and the sacrifice pendent ability to provide the basic type of relationship that when you and support that he correctly perceived resources and tools of frumkeitmade all become a chassan, you will feel there is would be necessary to bring it to the difference. someone special you must call, because fruition. Generations later, it is the soci­ In the SO's and 60's we were losing without his presence, your simcha will ety that resulted from that successful rev­ fewer children, but we could understand not be complete:' It will be sad for my olution, in all of its beneficence, that has the loss because most came from homes friend if his son doesn't develop that engendered a continuing crisis for the that could be judged to be somehow kind of relationship, because he knows youth of the Torah world that may be weaker in their frumkeit. The institu­ how important it can be. For that par­ well-characterized by Paine's words. tions and organizations that provide ticular boy, the lack may not be critical. We appreciate and enjoy the freedom support for families were beginning to Even though he's a typical teenager in and relative physical safety of living in be built. many ways, with all of the foibles of ado­ America. We have worked hard to cre­ Today we are losing even fewer of our lescence, he seems to have adequate ate a Torah-based society here that pro­ youth, but the losses seem less accept­ enough inner resources, the strength of vides opportunities, roles and role able and less understandable because a decent family life, and knowledgeable, models. We succeeded in slowing the they are coming from homes that seem caring parents to help him through most hemorrhage of the early years of this to be good frum homes. difficulties. century that found the vast majority of youth from frum homes moving away ISN'T THAT WHAT YESHIVOS ARE FOR? SHLECHT ODER MESHUGA? from observance. It was the very free­ BAD OR CRAZY? dom, the open and permissive nature of e have a plethora of institu­ American society, that allowed us to suc­ tions, organizations and mos­ hat about the boys and girls ceed, and brilliantly so. Postwar Amer­ W dos to support and educate. who lack adequate inner ica has seen a flowering of yeshivas, and Our yeshivas are staffed by tremendously W resources-the ones who seem Bais Ya' akov schools with unprecedent­ talented mechanchim. Each in his own to suffer their way through school? ed opportunities for Torah learning for way dedicates an enormous amount of Many of these, we now know, have all children. What seems to vex us most, time to his students, working to incul­ learning disabilities (LD), or attention though, is that in the midst of cultural cate yiras Shamayim and good middos, deficit disorders (ADD), which have and economic prosperity and success, but their primary function is to impart gone undiagnosed and untreated. They with a multiplicity and variety of Torah information and develop learning skills. may be brilliant, but emotionally imma­ education opportunities, a certain per­ We cannot expect the yeshivas to be the ture, or socially isolated. They often centage of our youth are socially and primary emotional support system for develop conduct and discipline prob­ educationally unsuccessful, become dis­ our youth, yet when we send our ado­ lems, becoming enmeshed in a cycle of affected, and fall away. lescent sons and daughters to a yeshiva underachievement and acting-out. This Perhaps in perspective, it is a small­ or Bais Ya' akov school, we hope that our may further diminish an already poor er percentage than in recent generations. sons and daughters will find a warm, self-image, bringing additional pressure lifelong relationship with a rebbe or reb­ from frustrated schools and parents. Zalman Lachman, M.S.W. is a social worker with Project Y.E.S. of Agudath Israel, and a career, fam­ bitzen who will inspire them in ways Feeling inadequate and angry, they are ily and adolescent counselor in private practice beyond our own abilities. shuftled from one school to the next. in Rockland County, NY. I want my son to find the kind of per- These children are likely to exhibit unat-

62 The Jewish Observer, November 1999 tractive personality characteristics, be more than childhood, but less than com­ lenge of living at a time in which even difficult to accept, and unable to seek pletely responsible. We must set prop­ the best parenting and chinuch cannot out, or even to tolerate the close rebbe­ er limits and hold adolescents account­ eliminate the effect of secular environ­ talmid relationship that we as parents able for their actions, without blaming ment and culture. would wish for them. These are the them for being who they are. Our community, which has shown teens often brought by overwrought par­ Clinical social workers sometimes use great resilience and strength in remak­ ents to social workers and psychologists psychoanalytic techniques in working ing and rebuilding itself in the post­ in the hope that we can "fix" what is with clients, but we are particularly Holocaust era, nonetheless experiences "broken" in their child. trained to approach problems from a a higher level of environmental stress­ The story is told of the distraught «person-in-environment" perspective es than in the past. More families feel mother who went to her Rebbe: "Rebbe, to arrive at a more comp]ete under­ the need for two incomes. There are mein kindt is meshuga gevorren-err est standing of bow to help an individual more demands placed on parents' time, chazer, und tanszed mit shikses! (My son or family. The nearby Hudson River as they care for aging parents, and nur­ went crazy - he's eating pork and may serve as an apt metaphor. We all ture larger families. Perhaps that con­ dancing with Gentile women)" The know pollution is bad, but how much tributes to the lack of tolerance for the Rebbe responded: "If he were dancing is too much? America, in its desire to limitations of our spouses, and the with pigs, and eating shikses, that would maximize freedom and opportunity for increase in the number of marriages be crazy. This is simply bad behavior." all, issues pollution permits allowing ending in divorce. More adolescents While it is true that the boy is not crazy industries to dump a certain amount of carry the extra burden of coming from and the behavior is bad, it is unfair to waste into the river. Most fish will sur­ homes where shalom bayis is less than label the boy himself as "a bum:' Ado­ vive, but every year some float to the sur­ optimal, or where respectful speaking is lescents are practicing to be adults, but face, unable to make it. Something in the exception and not the rule. For these they have not completely arrived. The their biological or genetic makeup was youth, the positive influence of an Torah hints that a young adult becomes not strong enough to survive the level adult relationship outside of home is of chayav b'yedei Shamayim only at 20 (see of pollution that was deemed "accept­ even greater importance. Given the tur­ Rashi on Bereishis 23,1) recognizing a able." Shall we blame the fish for hav­ bulent and tempting environment, this process of ongoing development that is ing "bad biology"? We all face the chal- comfortable galus, where so many of our TORAH EDUCATIONAL SOFTWARE Helping make a difference in Jewish Education

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The Jewish Observer, November 1999 63 fellow Jews have disappeared in the amount of difficulty, it just doesn't feel A rebbe was doing his best to reach a dif plague of darkness, we may well want that way on a Friday night stroll ficult 15-year-old-student. Yehuda was list­ to look at the larger picture, and con­ through frun1 streets, observing seri­ less and would not be encouraged. No mat­ sider our entire community"at-risk." ous breaches in behavior and even ter what the rebbe tried, the kippa kept getting chillul Shabbos. As parents, we often sn1aller and moving ever forward on Yehu­ PARENTS ARE NOT POWERLESS feel powerless when confronted with da's head, as the payos and tzitzis became ever - THEY JUST FEEL THAT WAY provocative (or worse) teen behavior. less visible. Even when the rebbe would give By letting our fears and the intensity mussar to the boy, he was always caring and e are always more comfort­ of our personal involvement ru1e us, respectful in his approach. Nothing seemed able when we feel in control we fail to realize our strengths and to help, and the rebbe was certain in Yehu­ W of a situation. Even though bring them to bear. It seems surpris­ dds case, he had failed. Attheend ofthe year, research studies show that most chil­ ing, but these same defiant teens feel Yehuda left school and the rebbe never saw dren negotiate the passage through even less in-control of their lives than him again. Twelve years later, a snapshot of adolescence with only a moderate their parents. a clearly Orthodox, young couple arrived in the mail. The woman was holding a baby and the man grasped a little girl's hand. There was a short note ofthanks from Yehuda, who told the rebbe how much he appreciated all ofthe caring and guidance he had been given, and how rnuch it had meant to him. Just as it is impossible to complete­ ly understand the reward for doing even the "smallest" mitzva, we simply cannot know the positive effect of the time we spend working with our teenagers, in Frunt Singles. whatever capacity. Yehuda knew he was not doing his best, and he didn't feel good about that, but he had never expe­ We all know one (or more), rienced a relationship with an adult who but what are we doing about them? did not yell or respond angrily to him. The rebbe's response to Yehuda's poor performance gave Yehuda permission to Help them help themselves - see himself as tolerable. For whatever reason, he had never been able to see urge them to join Invei Hagefen, himself that way in his parents' eyes. and ,,,,,.:i, meet their intended. Yehnda had a rough time, and "hit bot­ tom" at least once, but somehow pulled himself through. Part of it was his nat­ Invei Hagefen is staffed by devoted volunteers ural resilience, but when even that failed him, he was able to call up the who are hard at work helping singles, memory of "that rebbe from JOth grade from the initial interview through the dating process. who .... " He hung onto that memory like a life preserver, and it worked. Par­ We handle shidduchim with discretion and dignity ents, teachers, and therapists often have and treat "our singles" with concern and sensitivity. no way to measure success, especially with the more "challenging" children and teens, and it is hard for us to live with not knowing.

Please call, or encourage a single MENTORING: to call us, at A DEVEWPMENTALASSET

ne can evaluate a teenager's sit­ 718/2S6-7S2S uation by looking at "devel­ 0 opmental assets." Internal ------·-·------64 The Jewish Observer, November 1999 assets include things like the ability to higher level of "pollution" was per­ exhibit self-restraint when confronted mitted by the secular world, and CHEVRA OSEH CHESED with urges-being able to say, "No!" unfortunately even in our communi­ OFAGUDATH ISRAEL when temptations beckon. Many oth­ ty. We have the extra protections the erwise successful adults still have yet world of Torah affords, but the BURIAL PLOTS to fully develop this asset, as their chil­ onslaught is tre1nendous. Even the sec­ dren are only too aware. Positive rela­ ular world is finally beginning to IN ERETZ YISROEL tionships with peers, clearly set question the wisdom of "pollution Intennent in a Shomer Shabbos Beis parental limits, role models, and permits" issued to all comers. Agudath Olam near Beis Shemesh attainable, but high expectations from Israel has taken its part in the effort to Please pho~"fJr UJrite to: teachers and parents are exan1ples of advocate for better public policies, bnt Chevra Oseh CheSed of Agudath Israel external assets. those at risk cannot wait. A strong vol­ 84 William Stre~t,,Ne,Y ~Ork, NY 10038 "Having relationships with adults unteer n1entoring program can begin (212) 7&7~9000 other than parents or teachers" and helping teens today, even if the full "feeling like valued members of the effect is not felt until tomorrow. • comn1unity" are also identified as sig­ nificant and powerful external assets I r.~ t ~WWI! \~\:!VV if%W; for teens. This is the theory behind big Entrance Exam for Grade YESHIVA RABBI SAMSON RAPHAEL HIRSCH brother/sister and teen mentoring Nine for the School Year programs. Adolescents today spend Beth Jacob High School less time with adults and more time T T 2000-2001/5761 with peers than in previous genera­ will "l''IT.1 take place in November. Please call for date. tions, and a consistent weekly com­ n1itment of even one hour proves to be Our school has established a well-deserved reputation helpful. An adult mentor can provide as an outstanding Beth Jacob institution. It provides: a non-judgmental, listening ear that • An intensive program ofTorah education, designed to produce B'nos Chayil. can make a critical difference in that • An excellent program of General Studies leading to a Regents Diploma, accredited teen's future. by the State of New York, college level courses leading to a full year of college An effective teen 1nentor training credit, are available in grade 12. program includes skill training in lis­ tening, and tolerating the uncomfort­ • Guidance services and personal attention to student needs. able feelings generated by not seeing • Transportation from Monsey, Northern NJ, Riverdale, the Bronx, Midtown, & im1nediate results. We learn to ignore Queens. provocation and respond in a straight­ forward 1nanner, or not at all. A vol­ FOR APPLICATION PLEASE CALL (212) 568-6200 unteer mentor may meet with a teen for months, wondering if he or she is doing any good. They are tested, often over a period of months, by the teen. Sim­ ply having that adult available "as Now Online! needed" means giving that teen a sense of security. For the mentor, the Extensive inventories at relationship may include the satisfac­ tion of watching someone grow, the Unbelievable Savings idyllic pleasures of a summer after­ noon, and some just-plain-fun, but more likely there will be that unsettling Torah Treasures Online feeling of not knowing. You get used to http://www.torahtreasures.com it, you stick with it, and the "good stuff" con1es later-sometimes 111uch later. Leading retailer ofSeforim, Books Our children are faced with new and Judaica for over 20 years, challenges that did not exist genera­ tions ago. Extended adolescence has with stores in Lakewood NJ and become a normal part of life in Amer­ Miami Beach FL ica. It was difficult enough before a

-·--·--·--- ··------·-----·------The Jewish Observer, November 1999 65 BRINGING THEM BACK Rabbi Michael Levy BUYING TIME

he phone rings. He's been looking at, not the one you knew, you've eventually. But when the dust clears, thrown out of yeshiva. You're told started the long journey toward saving what kind of person will you see? It all Tcome and get him. While driving your son. depends on how you buy time during there, you wonder, "what now?" Maybe your child's adolescence. you saw it coming, maybe you didn't. NOT KNOWING WHY Now he)s in a new yeshiva. It's been HOW TO BUY TIME quiet for a few months. He likes his new omething must have happened at yeshiva; at least he says so. But you can't some point that caused this. The or starters, it is wise to find some­ rid yourself of that nagging feeling that Spossibilities are endless. Something one with whom your child can file it's a matter of time before the phone at home, school, with friends, a learn­ Fhis complaints. A psychologist, a will ring again. A few months later it ing disability, emotional problems, any family member, or a family friend may does. of these or a few combined may have detect something that has been over­ Now he's home. The difference is precipitated these events. looked. Sometimes breaking the fall is that now you are receiving an abrupt Don't try to torture yourself over as simple as that. Even if the child uses introduction to a son you don't know. where the fault lies. In the early stages, this person to get at his parents, you can Instead of arguing about his homework, it's almost impossible to know. only gain more understanding by hear­ the battle rages about smoking, his new Although your child has formed a list ing another point of view. wardrobe, and why he must be in of grievances in his mind about the When buying time, structure is the before four a.m. His old friends are how's and why's, it is safe to assume that key. Take it in any form it comes; work, gone. They've been replaced by a dif­ he himself has no idea what caused him school, gym, chavrusa. The ultimate ferent set. They look scary to you. to change his mindset so dramatically. structure is High School. If the yeshiv­ Going to shul Shabbos morning, tefill­ He may know he's unhappy; but lack­ as he has attended have not quite in, tzitzis, are all things of the past. ing emotional maturity, he does not real­ worked out, but he still expresses a desire HELP! ly know why. to go to a more lenient school, a school You're at a loss. The slightest com­ Most boys in their early teens, while that does not necessarily have the same ment or question you pose is met with possessing many aspects of physical hashkafos as yours, do not reject it out an explosive and angry response. Every­ maturity, lack emotional and mental of hand. Ask da'as Torah. Do not get thing you try backfires. It seems that maturity. Your son doesn't know caught up in appearances. It may save anything you try to prevent him from whether he is coming or going. He acts your son's life. doing, only causes him to react in an on impulse and emotion. He doesn't Sometimes sending him away to a even harsher manner, accelerating his need a reason. Perceptive - yes; bright foreign place will give him a fresh start descent. ((You don't own me, it's my life - maybe; mature he is not. and less cause to rebel. Bretz Yisroel, and I'll do as I want," is the immediate Half the process of retrieving the boy however, should not be an option before response to anything and everything. you once knew is time. he is seventeen years old. He will not uti­ His siblings are scared, embarrassed When he reaches the age of eighteen, lize his freedom to his benefit and it and confused. What happened to him? nineteen, things will have gotten clear­ might ruin any chance of his gaining You're not sure yourself. Can't every­ er to him. His outlook will change. He from this experience in the future. thing go back to the way it was? Can't matures mentally. He begins to realize If he shows an interest in anything­ he just be the regular yeshiva boy you that his life is his and that his decisions employment, computers, sports - grab once knew? will affect himself more than they will a hold. Create some sort of schedule out The answer is no. affect anyone else. of it. Never lose sight that even if every The moment you understand that the Time must pass to reach this stage. course you try fails, you have not failed. child you see now is who he is now, and You must buy this time. The rates are With each school and job that he tries, you are now parenting the child you're steep. How the time is bought will deter­ you are buying time. Time, which will mine much of what your son will bring you closer to your goal of getting Rabbi Levy of Lakewood, New Jersey, is a high school Rebbi in Torah Academy for Boys, in think and want out oflife when he gets him through his adolescence. If there Brooklyn. to this stage. Everyone settles down are younger siblings at home that are

66 The Jewish Observer, November 1999 being adversely affected, or the open rebellion, and is counterproductive to likelihood that he will tone them down confrontations with you have reached maintaining your relationship with a bit. At the end of this trying period, the impossible stage, try having him Jive him. And the key is to work on main­ you want to see a young adult who, with a relative or family friend to give taining the best relationship possible although he has not followed the lifestyle both of you more space. Even so, it is during this tumultuous period. Discuss of his parents, has only good feelings for absolutely essential to let him know that things, keep open the channel of dia­ who they are and what their lifestyle rep­ you're not writing him off. Make him logue. resents. Then, when he embarks onto understand that although you love Do not attempt to change things back this new period of life, he may want to him, he is not the only consideration in to the way they were. You cannot. He try out his old lifestyle once again. your family picture. must do it himself. Don't pressure or impose. Don)t Turn the other cheek whenever pos­ PHASING BACK INTO YESHIVA draw artificial lines. Trying to prevent sible. The more you ignore those little him from doing things he's already things (dress, language, etc.), the less he yeshivas that work with accustomed to will only foster more shock value they have, and the greater teenagers at risk employ many Tdifferent methods. The common denominator of all these strategies is that the boy develops a new concept of what Subscribe or give a gift of a rebbe is. Rebbe shmuesses, "chills;' plays ball and teaches Torah in a language he can relate to. In general, Rebbe is one The Jewish Observer of the boys. He makes it clear that you can be perfectly happy, content and "cool" while living a strictly Torah life. and $ave! The yeshiva in this role does not nec­ essarily change what is going on in the WHY NOT GIVE OR GET A PRESENT boy's head, nor does it curb all his activ­ THAT WILL LAST AN ENTIRE YEAR? ities outside of the yeshiva. But it does provide a strong alternative to those Subscribe, or give a gift at these reduced prices activities. Learning with "the rabbi" may and The Jewish Observer- filled with the views not be hangin' out with the boys, but it's of leading Torah thinkers on current issues- will be up there in the ratings. And if the boy delivered each month, directly to your door. maintains this commitment to yeshiva, then ultimately he will still identify him­ 'fhe longer you subscribe for, the larger your savings. self as a yeshiva boy. This identification Of course, this offer is unconditionally guaranleed; is critical when he reaches eighteen or you may cancel at any time and receive a refund for nineteen and looks to make decisions. all undelivered copies. Every boy is different, and so are his circumstances. Every single case must So order today, and the very next issue will be on be weighed differently. The activities of its way to you as soon as possible. some teenagers are more harmful (ille­ gal) than others. Some of these prob­ J.O. SUBSCRIP'l'ION SAVINfiS Cl:KTll~ICA.'l'E lems must be treated in a professional 0 YES, I want to take advantage of this 1noney saving offer! Enter my order as follows: facility. The concept of buying time, l.J NE\V SUBSCRIPTION 0 RENEWAL 0 GUT Nam<" however, applies to all teenagers at risk. \IM •OFI'Slllt 01\1.Y !:SA Implementing different methods of 0 3 years Cover Price $105 rour cost $60 $96 buying time is part of giddul bannim for 0 2 years Cover Price $70 Your cosl $44 $<)8 {Al\------some of our children. After all is said Statf' ___ Zip ______0 l year Cover Price s:~s Your cost $24 S:l6 and done, tza' ar giddul bannim is a real­ OSPnd gift canl from: ______ity for all: less painful for some, excru­ ~©YY't\§1.lu 0 Endoscd: $ 01 ciating for others. UBSERVER Chargc my: 0 llfasterCard 0 FISA Let us never forget that, come what Suite 1200, 84 \Viliiide U.S.A. pri("t' reflc<'t.; $12 l'Xlra pn ~·rar lo ,!Pfray air shiJ>Ping ro"I". Foreip:n pavm"nt mus1 he mad<· in L;.S. dnll"rs, ci1hcr hy d,,,,-,k time we buy will ultimately result in dnown on a lw•k in the U.S.!\. orb}' VISA or Masl!'rCanl Signaturf' keeping them there. •

The Jewish Observer, November 1999 67 ces from Jerusalem i' More than 3,300 titles available

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USA Ship. & Hand. $2.00 for 1st tape, 50¢ each add. (Bulk ship. 35¢ each tape) 1l' Call Toll Free: 1-800-VO/CES-3 ext. 899 BRINGING THEM BACK Rabbi Yitzchok Mitnick An unorthodox Approach for the Orthodox Teen

Time: Friday night, Spring '98 smoke. He proceedes to make Kid­ and an interest to help without being Location: Ocean Pkwy & Ave. L dush and Hamotzi and we have a nice judgmental. Brooklyn, NY se'uda together. He particularly YOU CAN DO IT TOO!!!' enjoys the dessert. April 11, '99 s I take one of my usual strolls Although he doesn't come the next The telephone rings. down this large avenue, my eye Friday night, he comes almost every Fri­ "Rabbi, my son will graduate from A catches sight of a boy, without a day night after that, and we are sure to high school this year. He has no inter­ yarmulke, smoking a cigarette. have the dessert he so enjoyed waiting est in limudei kodesh; in fact, his yeshi­ Although we do not know each other, for him. va allows him to come for secular stud­ he respectfully discards the cigarette, [Note: No preaching - only accep­ ies only. Can you please talk to him to pulls out a yarmulke from his pocket, tance of him as a person, allowing for discuss his future plans?" puts it on, and says, "Ah gutten Shabbos, the beginning of a sincere relationship.] I answer, "I don't know your son-why Rabbi." The final Shabbos before our family should he want to talk, or listen to me?" "Gut Shabbos to you. My name is is scheduled to go up to the country for She pleads: "I don't have any dialogue Yitzchok Mitnick; what's yours?" the summer, we sit on the couch after with him - please, please try!" The "My name is David - whassup?" the meal. mother goes on to tell me which pool M: "The usual. You look excited M: "So what are you mishpacha continues to maintain a close relationship with I Obviously, our conversations involved much in as well as for your guests. However, it is not for the way of heart-to-heart exchanges. No magic every family setting. Seek guidaii.ce from your the Mashgiach, Rabbi Esriel Erlanger N~1"'7\v. wand was waved, no mysterious potion imbibed. Rav or 1noreh derech.

The Jewish Observer, November 1999 69 M: "Great! You're going to be a Jew­ in Israel, so you may find out more ing; all I want to do is finish college." ish cop. But what does 'Jewish' mean? about being Jewish?" M: "If you rethink your decision, look Why don't you take off a year and study B: "Listen here, I had enough study- into Yeshivas Ploni - you'll be glad you did." B: "I told you - I have no desire .... " Seeing he didn't seem interested to hear what I had to say, I asked, "Can I give you a ride home?'' B: "Na, I'll walk." (i.e. Tu mir nisht kein toivos- I don't want to be obligat­ ed to you!) Gavriel Beer will '1"~ be in the States November 15 - December 20 April 25, '99 f'or appoint111e11t and/or i11jor111ation plea5e call On one of my visits to the local pool From 11 a.m. -6 p.m. 71.8-338-7272 hall, Baruch comes over. "Say, whaddaya Other times please call 718-336-9083 know about Yeshivas Al mom?" Without blinking, I say, "That yeshiva is even bet­ ter suited for you than the one I sug­ gested two weeks ago!" He tells me he was trying to make an appointment with the Rosh Yeshiva of that yeshiva to discuss entry in Elul. For careful attention to your September 6, '99 individual needs, call us today! Boruch is learning and growing in Yeshivas Almoni. (914) 354-8445 Why? Because someone cared. An idea was objectively put into his Yiddishe kopp. Not by degrading him; but by r.------~ showing concern. Anyone can do it - with proper guid­ ARE You MOVING? ance. You can add your own personal 'touch' as needed, and get involved! IS YOUR NAME AND ADDRESS PRINTED INCORRECTLY ON THE JO MAILING LABEL? WHAT THE MASHGIACHDID We need your help to ensure proper delivery of the Jewish Observer to your home. Please attach current mailing label in the space below, or print clearly your address and his past winter, on the coldest Fri­ computer processing numbers that are printed above your name on the address label. day night of the year, I walked to TBaro Park to attend a tisch of my Rebbe, the Mashgiach, Horav Don Segal, wv»'ni. After their listening to inspir­ Affix old label here ing divrei Torah and niggunim, I men­ tioned to Reb Don that an "open house" was in progress nearby. I explained to him that his presence Name ______there might positively influence the boys. New Address ______Without hesitating, he bid the gather­ ing "Ah gutten Shabbos;' and off we went City, into the extraordinarily frigid weather. Suffice it to say that the Mashgiach made State, ------~Zip the walk with great difficulty, as the wind Date Effective ______chill factor rendered the temperature Send address changes to: The Jewish Observer Change of Address twenty below zero. 84 William Street, New York, NY 10038 For those readers not familiar with Please allow 4-6 weeks for all changes to be reflected on your mailing label. We wilt not be the term "open house," let me briefly responsible for back issues missed unless y6u notify us 6 weeks prior to your move. explain. When a teenager learns that his parents are going out of town for a L------~ 70 The Jewish Observer, November 1999 weekend, he invites all his friends for a Me' chelko yihiyeh chelkeinu. is truly a model for other youngsters to Shabbos of "fun." Generally, chillul (This is the way to a teenager's follow. Shabbos, and promiscuity (not to men­ neshama: - with hartzige love, not It didn't happen by itself; a Rosh Yeshi­ tion geneiva, drunkenness and drug use) tough love.) va took time out from his busy sched­ are rampant. ule to rattaveh (rescue) a Yiddish kindt. I explained all this to Reb Don, but WHAT SOME ROSHEI YESHIVA The Rosh Yeshiva of Zichron Mayir he was not deterred; to the contrary, he HAVE DONE of Mountaindale, Rabbi Shlomo Hako­ went with alacrity. hen Rothenberg, wv>'ro, spends his Upon entering the house, we imme­ bbi Shlomo Herbst N-1"'ro, Av Matza' ei Shabbosos during bein haz­ diately heard the music blasting from the Beis Din and RavofK'hal Prem­ manim (intersession), not raising funds stereo. Reb Don remarked that we Rishlan at 510 Avenue M, opens his the yeshiva desperately needs, but shouldn't say anything about it, so shul Friday nights from I 0:00 PM until "walking the beat" in the streets of they wouldn't turn it off and be oveir an 12:00 AM for an oneg Shabbos for these Woodbourne until almost sunrise. I've issur Shabbos. boys. The oneg is staffed by the Rebbe's observed how his sincere caring and When the girls realized that Reb Don unusually dedicated baalei battim. Reb magnetic personality have drawn the was there, they scurried off to the var­ Abish Brodt joins on a number of Fri­ boys to feel close to him. ious rooms upstairs, or stayed in the day nights and inspires all of us with his kitchen. Four boys waited in line to talk hartzige niggunim. Lay leaders come to to the Mashgiach. I watched as Reb Don be mechazek the boys, and often go spoke to them for about half an hour as home ntechuzak themselves. if they were friends, encouraging them Rabbi Avrohom Gurvitz N"1"'ro, Rosh with his inimitable varmkeit. Yeshivas Ner Moshe in Bretz Yisroel, vis­ Although one of the boys was sub­ its America frequently. Keenly aware of sequently thrown out from his yeshiva the teen situation here, he decided to for drug use, he continued on in a local befriend one of the boys and to stay Torah establishment and completed closely in touch. Although Rabbi Mesechte Makko'- The meeting with the Gurvitz is busy learning, preparing shi­ Mashgiach surely left an indelible urim and writing sefarim, whenever this • MAX/MJZE YOllR CHILD'S PoTfNTllU • PRIVATE SESSIONS AVAllABtE ON Au impression on this young boy's mind. boy calls on him, he is available for him. GRAIJf lEVElS IN HEBl?EW ANIJ fNl;l/SH Reb Don told me that he sacrificed I have seen Rabbi Gurvitz talking to this • LEARN/NI; IN A FUN ATMOSPllERE his own ruchniyus for the benefit of the bachur in front of the pizza shop. He • CtASSES GIVEN AFTETI SCl/OOl boys' ruchniyus. If he felt it important has visited the boy in the place he "hangs • SEPAi/Aif CIASSES FOR G/1/lS 6 Bors and urgent enough to put his neshama out." And he has maintained regular For More Information on the line, shouldn't we? The ability phone contact with him from Bretz Yis­ Call Mrs. Schonfeld to help these boys is not limited to peo­ roel. The boy is now on the derech and (718) 3 76-5545 ple like Reh Don Segal N"1"'ro. An askan (community activist) whom we'll call Yechiel, heard about the "open house" only one hour before Shabbos. Instead of making a tumult, which wouldn't have helped :.4/S YMKOVOF PASSAIC anyone, he dashed out to the local take-out store and spent $300 on var­ ious Shabbos staples - kugel, farfel, for the 2000-2001/N"m?ln cold-cuts, chicken, cholent, etc. He school year returned with the food - the only wholesome food in the house. He came back again after his own seuda will be administered i1"'N and sang zemiros with them, inter­ December I 2/ nJV ') at 10:00 A.M. spersing the songs with words of encouragement and inspiration. at the school building Actions such as these build trust in these children and help them open up. 18 I Pennington Avenue Yechiel is not a Rav or maggid shiur; he Passaic, NJ is a ('sin1ple" computer progran1mer.

------·------The Jewish Observer, November 1999 71 Rabbi Aaron M. Schechter, Rosh WHAT CAN THE COMMUNITY DO? Yeshivas Mesivta Rabbi Chaim Berlin, on his way home from Mincha one Shab­ t behooves every member of our bos afternoon, chanced upon three II community to become personally boys smoking cigarettes. He proceed­ I involved in saving unzere neshamos. ed walking with his coterie for another here is much you If you cannot get involved on a personal block, whereupon he walked back - can do, and should level to the extent that you would wish alone, so as not to embarrass the boys T to, financial aid is desperately needed for - and said to them, "Boys, ich hub eich do. Don't look at this the following five programs: lieb - please come by and discuss any­ •A fund to ensure that any boy who thing you want. My doors are open to boy as if he's a "case." wants to study in Israel, will be able to. you 24 hours a day!" One week later, one For many boys, a year or two in Israel of the boys showed up at the Rosh Yeshi­ He might have some is the difference in being frum or oth­ va's office. The Rosh Yeshiva spent much difficulties in his life, as erwise. time with this boy whom he did not • Summer camps are the haven for know. we all do, but he's not many boys who have various talents that may be nurtured and cultivated. Prop­ WHAT SHOULD I DO? necessarily in need of a erly staffed camps help build boys' self esteem and allow them to expend their here is much you can do, and psychiatrist! energies in a "kosher" way. Inten:sive should do. Don't look at this boy efforts should be invested to ensure that T as if he's a "case." He might have II every boy has a place in a summer camp. some difficulties in his life, as we all do, Also, more summer camps should be but he's not necessarily in need of a psy­ made available for these boys. chiatrist! • "Kosher" recreation facilities with After you've accepted him, put your to trust another, and certainly these kids, structured programs are very helpful in hand out to him. Give him a firm, warm who don't trust anyone, need more time keeping boys occupied in a safe, "cleann handshake. Look into his eyes, tell him to warm up to adults. environment. Numerous Gedolei Yisroel your name, and ask him for his. Don't Consider "adopting" a boy - make have given their approval and blessings inquire more; you're not interviewing sure he has his financial needs taken care for such centers to open up. him for a job. You're trying to make a of (if his family is unable to provide for • Yeshivas that teach these boys connection, and that's already been him, which is very often the case). He should allocate funding to hire kollel accomplished. You may tell him: "It was might need a basketball uniform, a yungeleit to learn with these boys one­ nice to get to know you," or "Keep in hockey jersey, lunch money, clothes, on-one for (at least) the first hour of the touch," and if you feel it's appropriate, money for entertainment, etc. Be there day. This has been a proven method to invite him for a meal. Generally, he will for him. It may be one of the best invest­ successfully motivate the boys to learn be at his best behavior in your home. ments you'll ever make. Is there a price and shteig. It also helps develop a men­ Even in your home, don't ply him with for a Yiddishe neshama? tor relationship with a kollel yungerman, queries. It takes a while for one person whose house he can go to on Shabbos, and to whom he can look for guidance and friendship. TORAH EDUCATIONAL WORKBOOKS Above all, more yeshivas must be TEXTS, WORKBOOKS & TEACHER'S GUIDES founded that will accept these boys - Workbooks are available in English at $2.00 each. They are copyright free. BUD.DING VOCABULARY: MISCEUANEOUS preferably in an out-of-town (or a A8IKI CHUMASH LEVEL I A8c40 DIKDUK FOR THI: BEGINNER WORKBOOK I j .u

72 The Jewish Observer, November 1999 through a difficult period. One day examples to fully exhaust this principle. dously gratifying. you'll see things differently, but until • Don't be mechanech your children • Early on in the year, obtain a list of then, I'm always here for you. when you're angry. Hagaon Rabbi your talmidim's birthdays. Recognize • Nowadays, it is difficult to tell your Shlomo Wolbe N"P''n> explains that not that day- perhaps with a cake. I recent­ teenage child to do (or not to do) some­ only shouldn't you teach your child when ly bought a cake for the 20th birthday of thing. Maybe it "worked" up until today, you're upset, but you're patur (halachi­ a talmid. Visibly moved, he blurted out, but it is certainly not the "way to go" in cally free) from the obligation of chin­ "This is the first birthday cake I ever today's climate. It is imperative that we uch (training) when you're upset. got!" learn the art of suggesting our ideas and •(Almost) never give your child ulti­ • During the summer, I learn with beliefs to our children, and give them the matums - even if you win, you lose. talmidim of years gone by. A boy who bechira to make the correct choice -with And, most often, you won't be able to worked during the day, exerted himself our calm input. carry out your threat. to be at the night seder. One night I had •Shaming or denigrating your chil­ •Think about toning down your style a Sheva Berachos and could not attend dren so that they'll do your will is coun­ of living - even if you can afford the the night seder. When I arrived for terproductive; it turns them off and money, don't give in to every whi1n and Ma' a riv, I saw the boy in the beis causes resentment. desire you have. Forget about the Jone­ midrash. I told him: "You can't imagine •Prepare short ma'asim about tzad­ ses "Keep up" with Hashem, His Torah how glad I am to see you! It's really great dikim to be discussed at the Shabbos and mitzvos, and your child will learn that you came:' (I really meant it.) He table. As Rabbi Yaakov Meir Shechter what's important in life. smiled from ear to ear. The next morn­ ~"""7w (from Yerushalayim) advises, Successful Rabbeim might try these ing he had a day off from work, and look over ten vertlach and choose two pointers: came to learn. He declared," Rebbi, I've that are most pertinent to your children. • Search out the positive and look decided to become shorn er negia (avoid It takes time - but the results are well away from the negative - tell him how touching people of the opposite gender):' worth the effort good he's doing so that he'll want to do I asked him, "Will you sign to it"? • Don't notice everything your child more good. If you have to reprimand (From experience I have found that once does. As my father N"l:>"n> says: "Menn him, do so privately and without rais­ a boy agrees to in1prove his behavior, it darf amol zein blind un shtum:' (Just like ing your voice (otherwise his ears shut is very beneficial to have him sign to his you wouldn't like if someone criticized down). He'll surely appreciate it. And commitment.) He said, "Sure!" which you on every little thing you did wrong!) he'll probably accept it. he promptly did. (Shortly thereafter, he If he's acting inappropriately and you're •Also, try not to "buy into" their sclf­ took a decent haircut as well.) not "reaching" him, find the Rebbi that destructive behavior. Very often, a boy \/\/hy? Because he was encouraged he was (or is) close to, and have that will do something stupid to ruin his and recognized. Rebbi get in touch with him. streak of fine performance. The sub­ YOU CAN DO IT, TOO! • Don't tell them you're embarrassed conscious reason behind it is that they of them. They usually don't care. don't want you to accept only good A SOLUTION? More important is to objectively discuss behavior from them. Try to ignore the actions they're doing (or not doing). (occasional) negative behavior. eople ask: what's the solution in • Parents ought to "find an ear" to lis­ • Connect physically. The Rosh a nutshell? There is no standard ten to their children's pent-up frustra­ Yeshiva of Zichron Mayir of Moun­ Psolution - chanoch Zena' ar al pi tion. Allow your children to tell you taindale, Rabbi Shlomo Hakohen darko - every single child is different! whatever is on their mind. Don't pun­ Rothenberg N"WW, along with the per­ There are no set rules - chinuch is not ish them for telling you their true feel­ functory handshake, hugs you goodbye. a board game! ings. Listen carefully to what they're say­ Besides the affection transmitted, a There are times that the problem is ing (and what they're not). hug means: 'Tm here for you and I'll exacerbated due to a shalom bayis situ­ • Parents may try to draw their child never let you fall." ation. Professional advice should be into a conversation whereby the parents • Teach him that self control is the sought on this problem. have an opportunity to voice their character trait that will give hi1n the Tefilla by both parents is crucial and opinion. Do not offer your opinion greatest pleasure life has to offer (not should be invoked with regularity bechol immediately. Some time later you'll fig­ only in the next world, but in this world levavam u'vechol nafsham. ure out a way to influence them and as well). Boys can be taught that over­ With Hashem's help, along with our their decisions. coming their yeitzer hara, especially iri heartfelt tefillos and the community's • Try as much as possible to trust inyanei kedusha - and when no one is concentrated involvement, we will be them - from the earliest age possible. looking- is one of the primary goals of zocheh that all our children will go bed­ This is so important, that a separate dis­ this world. This lofty goal is attainable, erech Yisroel sabba and bring us much cussion is warranted with detailed and when accomplished, is trcmen- Yiddishe nachas. Ill

The Jewish Observer, November 1999 73 POSTSCRIPT Dr. Jerr Lob "Hereby Resolved. •• '' A Father's Kabbalos 1

I will remember that I am your Tatty perspective, keep my eyes on the prize, Shlomo Wolbe t-1"1'>7w, that in this era (father) and that I love you. the prize of a loving, caring, joyful rela­ it is prohibited to hit our children, that I will remember that you are a child. tionship with you. it will lead to their hatred. And the I will find ways to show you that you I will remember that you are fragile, words of my Rebbi, the Rosh Hayeshiva are loved. I will say "! love you" more that my words and tone of voice can Rabbi Yitzchok Feigelstock N"P"n>, that often and I will express it in other ways damage and slice through you, that you in this generation we need to follow the as well, perhaps with touch, tone of are soft even when you act hard. I will derech of warmth, no hitting. voice, smile, look on my face, and by giv­ not be fooled when you act uncaring. * * * ing of my time. I know different and I will remember. I will smile more to you. I will smile I will not degrade you, laugh at you, I will tell you directly and assertive­ more, period. ridicule you in any way. ly when I disagree with you, but not in I will be attuned and more open to I will say "! am sorry" when I'm a rage, and not with sarcasm, and with feel joy about you, to revel in your very wrong no eye rolling. existence. And I will display this joy I will criticize less and focus more I will not hit you, no matter what. I more often. often on the positives in you. will remember the words of Rabbi I will respect you. I will respect your I will look for the big picture, keep feelings, your need for space and privacy. 1 Note: While a Kabbala is a commitment to I will respect your dignity. I will Jerry Lob is a clinical psychologist in Chicago Hashem, I've chosen to phrase these kabbalos in respect your opinions and your deci­ working with families and teen-agers in the frum the intimate, from me to my child(ren), in a way community. He is a talmid of Rabbi Yitzchok that may have more impact on me. To be sure, sions, though at times I may overrule Feigelstock (Long Beach,NY) and a musmach of there is an awareness of Hashem as witness to them (in your younger years). Bais Medrash Govoha of Lakewood. these resolutions. I will be more patient. I will be more patient. I will be more patient. I will You can! Just call think often of Hashem's midda of erech The Yit:t:i Leibel apayim (slow in anger). ''r wish I could I will set appropriate boundaries for Helpline. you, for your safety, for your growth, for HOURS: your ruchniyus, and I will not shirk my speak to a Monday-Friday ...... Sam -l 2pm responsibility. And I will remember that Monday-Thursday ...... Spm -11 pm it's OK for you to be upset with me. I Sunday ...... 9am - I 2pm, 9pm -11 pm do this out of love. Extra hours Sat. night...... 7pm - 9pm frum therapist I will remember that you are a work 718-HELP-NOW in progress, not a finished product, and .. (718)435"7669 .·· while your pronouncements may sound on the phone [. Chicago ...... ( 800) HELP-023 secure, confident, finished, they're not. Lakewood ...... (732) 363-1010 I will patiently wait for you, with antic­ Cleveland ...... (888) 209-8079 ipation and some trepidation, through without giving 'Baltimore ...... (410) 578-1111 your journey. Morris, Union, Essex & Middlesex counties in NJ ...... (877) 4-LEIBEL I will be less concerned with kibbud av, and more concerned with kavod my name.'' For addiction problems call our addiction therapist, Wednesdays 11 :30pm to l :30am habrios (you are my most precious briya) and I will remember the Mishna

74 The Jewish observer, November 1999 that kavod comes to those who give it to angry, I will not respond in kind. I will you. I will see your inner beauty, not others. remember that I am the parent and you your grades or how you look, but your I will choose my battles and try to are the child. I will try to find quiet and neshama, your goodness, your kindness, remember that the battles themselves are calm. I will not give you the silent treat­ your unique strengths, skills, and talents. not personal, but part of the miracle of ment, either. I will ask for your apolo­ I will remember that each child is dif­ your growth. And I will learn to bite my gy, but I will not take revenge. ferent and may have a different derech. tongue more. I will laugh more. I will be on the I will love you because you are, not I will be more loving to Mommy and lookout to laugh more with you. At because you do. And not because of always respectful to her. I will remem­ times I will try to laugh at myself. what you give to me. ber the look on your face when I've said I will remember the sparkle in my I will attempt to bring more joy into something hurtful to her. I will make father's eyes when he saw me or intro­ Shabbos and Yam Tov and into Yiddishkeit. more effort to bring joy into our fam­ duced me to others, the sparkle that I will remember that it is my simcha in ily, to bring to our home a spirit of song. spoke more eloquently than words of Torah and mitzvos that will draw you to I will remember that no matter your his pride. And I will sparkle for you. them, my enthusiasm that will generate age, you still look to me (as I look to my I will play more with you. I will give father), and what is important is not so you your own time with me everyday much the information I impart to you, even if only for a few minutes. but who I am to you. I will learn more with you. And I will I will not take revenge when I am try to make this time warm and joyous hurt. Even if you have intentionally hurt and not full of tension and anger. me and even if I am so angry, so very I will be determined to be proud of

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The Jewish Observer, November 1999 75 yours, and it is my love of Hashem that I will not try to break your spirit. I abandon you when you need me will deepen your love of Hashem. will try to embrace, celebrate and guide most, even when it feels like you are I will take an interest in your life. If your spirit. pushing me away. you share it with me, I will feel joy in I will not ignore your suffering. I will I will have more fun with you and I your joys and sadness in your sorrows. put aside my work and my tiredness and will remember that our shared laugh­ I will not make light of your reactions. my chessed work and even my learning to ter and love brings the Shechina. I will take you seriously. I will be avail­ be there for you, whenever you need me. I will remember that I am your Tatty, able for you and will be respectful if you You are my most important mitzva. and that I love you. Ill choose not to share. I will look deep into myself and * * * remember how painful childhood I will not look at you with disgust. I and adolescence can be, and I will Digest of Meforshim will not call you names. You are my child. honor you and support you. I will not ')1'1ji7 11"1:1 ')1'1ji7 7":it 1)JV'm ?Nlr.n:1 l"01To1l:l Available at LEKUTEI c/o Yirzchok Rosenbe1x JO West 47th Street, Roo1n 503 New York. NY 10036 A company is known (212) 719-1717 20 Volumes on Torah 1 Perek, Medrash, Megilos and Talmud. by the companies it keeps. Proceeds of sales distributed a1nong

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76 The Jewish Observer, November 1999 H·A·S·C A TIME FOR MUSIC XIII ~ Sli611 h~ JANUARY 9, 2000 • 7:30 P.M. METROPOLITAN OPERA HOUSE MORDECHAI BENDAVID '1~ DEDI ~ \ ABIE ROTENBERG

"CARLEBACH VIGNETTES" Rare Film Footage & Music with R' Sh/omo Carlebach TORONTO KOL CHAVERIM CHOIR Conducted by Harvey Erlich NEGINAH ORCHESTRA Conducted by Ylsroel Lamm DON'T LET MINISTER SARID DENY A YIDDISHE CHINUCH TO OUR 300 YIDDISHE NESHOMOS

WHAT ARE DOING: • CLOSURE NOTICE EFFECTIVE JANUARY 15, HAS BEEN SENT TO TWO SHUVU SCHOOLS, ONE IN NAHARIYA AND ONE IN NATZERETH AFFECTING OVER 300 RUSSIAN IMMIGRANT CHILDREN. • PARENTS AND CHILDREN HAVE BEEN CALLED DOWN BY THE POLICE AND FORCED TO POST 2000 SHEKEL BONDS TO ENSURE THAT THEY TAKE THEIR CHILDREN OUT OF OUR SHUVU SCHOOLS. • PARENTS WHO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT HAVE BEEN TOLD THAT THEY WOULD LOSE THEIR JOBS UNLESS THEY REMOVE THEIR CHILDREN FROM OUR SHUVU SCHOOLS. WHAT MUST DO: * MUST LET OUR VOICES BE HEARD IN PROTEST. (SEE SAMPl.E TEXT BELOW)

• FAX OR E·MAIL TO PRIME MINISTER EHUD BARAK (011 ·972·2·670·5415, [email protected])

e FAX OR E·MAIL TO EDUCATIONAL MINISTER YOSSI SARID (011 ·972·2·560-2246, [email protected])

111 FAX OR E·MAIL TO GENERAL DIRECTOR OF THE EDUCATIONAL MINISTRY SHLOMIT AMICHAI (011·972·2·560-2336, [email protected]) • SPONSOR A CHILD PUBLICITY HAS ACTUALLY INCREASED THE NUMBER OF APPLICATIONS TO ATTEND THESE NEW SHUVU SCHOOLS. TODAY THERE ARE 300 STUDENTS, HOWEVER, IT IS OUR ACHRAYUS TO RESPOND TO THE MANY MORE STUDENTS WAITING TO ENROLL. e PLEASE FORWARD ALL YOUR LETTERS, FAXES AND E-MAILS OF PROTEST TO SHUVU·NY (718)692-1233 OR SHUVU·ISRAEL 011-972·2·537·6173

THE UNITED FUND FOR RUSSIAN IMMIGRANT CHILDREN IN ISRAEL ------39 Broadway, Suite 3300 •New York, NY 10006 •Tel. 212-425-3500 •Fax 718-692-1233