Previously on The Tick
THE TICK Arthur, you can be my sidekick.
THE TICK Arthur, I don’t mean to offend you, but…you’re not…I mean you’re not…you know…funny…are you?
ARTHUR Funny? What do you mean? I…Oh! No! No…not I’m not…I mean…I’m not…funny…
THE TICK Good. Cause I’m not either. Superheroes shouldn’t be…you know…
ARTHUR Funny.
THE TICK Yeah.
Episode 13
In Search Of….Pez
???. NIGHT.
We see only a man against a night sky, the full moon prominent. He looks to be in his late 30s or early 40s. His black hair is parted at the far left, creating a swoop of hair over his head. He is wearing a yellow trenchcoat complete with belt, tie and, on his wrist, a Two-way wristwatch TV mounted on a 360 degree wrist lazy Susan. This is Angus MacGuire. As always, when a thought bubble is indicated an actual bubble appears over the character’s head with text matching the voice over.
ANGUS (Voice: Sean Bean with a mild Scottish American accent, thought bubble) My name is Angus MacGuire. I’m a police detective. Sort of. I live a rough and tumble life of big guns and bad habits. I’m the long arm that stands between our country and the real criminal menace. Not the peons, the thugs, and gunmen, but the masterminds.
BEGIN MONTAGE.
As Angus speaks we see mugshots of the criminals he names. In true Dick Tracy fashion their names describe their appearance.
ANGUS (V.O.) The movers and shakers of the underworld. People like…Zipperneck.
Shot of a man with a zipper implanted in his neck.
ANGUS (V.O.) The Crease.
We see a man with a deep ridge across the center of his face, his eyes hidden within it.
ANGUS (V.O.) Harriet Curse.
We see Oedipus’s stepmother Amanda.
ANGUS (V.O.) Boils Brown.
A man covered in large red boils, wearing a red polka dot tie that only adds to the effect.
ANGUS (V.O.) Eyebrows Smith.
A man with a gun, marked by giant eyebrows.
ANGUS (V.O.) And countless others. A spectacularly ugly menagerie of career wrongdoers.
FLASHBACK. EXT. VIENNA STREET. NIGHT.
We see Angus surreptitiously trailing a man who looks a lot like a real life Boris Badanoff, complete with a briefcase handcuffed to his wrist.
ANGUS (V.O.) I was following Boris Saint-Vladamirovotch, a Bulgarian courier bringing stolen secrets to The City, USA.
END FLASHBACK
EXT. CITY STREET. PRESENT.
ANGUS (Thought bubble) This was something big. This had the stench of a master criminal all over it. I had a hunch and it wasn’t on my back. This case was a tough nut, but I could crack it.
Angus speaks into his wrist TV.
ANGUS Hello? Come in? This is Detective MacGuire. Do you copy? (Thought bubble) All I needed was a little back up.
INT. ARTHUR’S APARTMENT. NIGHT.
The Tick holds up a spoon.
THE TICK (Voice: Patrick Warburton) SPOON!
Pan out to reveal The Tick and Arthur are seated at Arthur’s kitchen table eating dinner. They are both drinking Coke Zero.
ARTHUR Are you all right?
THE TICK I’m fine Arthur. (Not as loud) Spoon!! (Normal voice) I like the word. It’s got a nice ring to it. Henceforth it will be my battle cry.
ARTHUR Your what?
THE TICK My battle cry. The cry I emit just prior to leaping into battle. I’m a grizzled veteran of super-hero battles now. I need something catchy to yell out during them. Something that will endear me to the public.
ARTHUR “Spoon”?
THE TICK I only wish I’d thought of it when I fought The Red Scare.
ARTHUR You know, that Red Scare looked an awful lot like you.
THE TICK What?
ARTHUR I mean you two could be twins.
THE TICK Don’t be silly Arthur, he’s red. I’m blue.
ARTHUR I see. How do you like dinner?
THE TICK Dinner’s great! I especially like how you cut up my hot dogs to look like octopi.
He holds up a hot dog that has, in fact, been cut four ways to the middle to make eight legs. Tiny eyes have also been poked in the top.
THE TICK (Adopting a high pitched voice) Oh please don’t eat me! I’m just a harmless undersea creature! (Beat) But what this feast needs. Arthur, is Pez.
ARTHUR What?
THE TICK (Climbing out the window) I’ll jump over to the store and get us some.
ARTHUR (Confused) Pez?
EXT. CITY STREET. CONTINUOUS.
Angus MacGuire stands outside a cheap hotel, “Tabasco Joe’s, Live Bait and Lodging”
ANGUS (Thought bubble) With my courier friend safely tucked away in a two-bit fleabag flophouse I was free to wander the night streets of The City. I made another call for assistance. (Into wrist TV) Guys? (Thought bubble) But my please rang out against dead static. My man would make his move at midnight. That gave me a couple of hours to kill.
He wanders the streets. In a nearby alley two homeless men fight over a bottle of booze while a nearby prostitute seeks out customers for the evening.
ANGUS (Thought bubble) The City was a sewer. A cesspool, a smut-tiled bathroom with hot and cold running crime… I needed a smoke and a good cup of Joe, so like every other human moth in this steamy sprawl, I succumbed to the allure of some nameless convenience store.
He enters the store and moves to the magazine rack, perusing some porn.
ANGUS (Thought bubble) Tonight Boris would unwittingly lead me into the heart of the crime ring he served. But without divine providence or a good shotgun man I’d be hopelessly outnumbered.
THE TICK (O.S.) I seek…Pez!
Angus turns to see The Tick speaking to the shopkeeper.
THE TICK Good evening, lowly clerk, where is your Pez?
ANGUS (Thought bubble) A super-hero! Of course! Who better to face the ravages of a master criminal? Who knows what grim mission brought him out of the shadows that night…But I knew he was all the help I needed.
Angus approaches The Tick as he selects some Pez Dispensers from the wide assortment next to a Coca- Cola refrigerator,.
ANGUS You’re a super-hero, right?
THE TICK That’s what it says on my mailbox.
ANGUS (Holding up a badge) My name is Angus MacGuire. I’m a secret detective agent loosely connected with a vaguely defined if not non-existent criminal investigations bureau…And I need your help.
THE TICK Keen!
EXT. ALLEY. CONTINUOUS.
ANGUS (Thought bubble) In a back alley behind the store, I gave my new blue ally the skinny on the situation. (To The Tick) The lab in Vienna was completely destroyed. We wouldn’t even have known about the theft if I hadn’t been tipped off by an old informant. That stolen technology could have been any one of a hundred deadly super-weapons. Each capable of unprecedented destruction…and it’s here in The City!
The Tick looks at his clown-headed Pez dispenser with concern.
THE TICK This is graveness. But let me be coherent for a moment. If you need help in this, why don’t you just go to your bureau?
ANGUS This two-way wrist TV is my only means of contact with my organization…they don’t seem to be answering my calls.
THE TICK Well, when did you speak to them last?
ANGUS Noonish. Summer. 1973. They’re being a little coy, I’ll admit.
He reaches out and places a hand on The Tick’s forehead.
ANGUS Listen. We’re running out of time. I’m going to deputize you in the name of…eh…of Mom, baseball and apple pie.
THE TICK Mmm. Sounds official.
EXT. HOLIDAY INN. NIGHT.
ANGUS (V.O.) Boris left Tabasco Joe’s at midnight exactly. We tailed him to the Holiday Inn on the interstate. He made every movement like a finely tuned clock. All we could do was watch him tick and tock. We could have taken the briefcase at any time, but I had bigger fish to fry…He stopped for a drink at the hotel bar. We staked out the lobby.
INT. HOLIDAY INN. CONTINUOUS.
The Tick sits on a lobby chair. He holds a newspaper in front of him but a huge hole has been torn through it for him to look through. Angus is nearby using a high tech remote listening device.
THE TICK I see him! I see him!!
ANGUS Shhh…Tick we’re crashing a huge party here, and the invite list reads like America’s Most wanted.
THE TICK Wow. (Beat) Is that show still on?
ANGUS Look! Over there! It’s The Forehead, in from Chicago. He’s the leader of the Triggerman Society.
Like his name suggest, The Forehead has one massive forehead.
ANGUS And there’s “Pineapple Pokopo” head of the Polynesian underworld.
Pokopo is nearly bald except for one tuft of hair directly on top of his head. Much of his face is scarred with a grid like pattern. The effect is to make him look a lot like a pineapple.
ANGUS This is unbelievable. All the big names in international crime. Here. Now. Who the hell is throwing this bash? And why?
Boris re-enters the lobby and heads to the front desk.
ANGUS Shh. Boris is moving.
BORIS (Voice: Rich Little as Boris Badanoff) I am here to see Mr. Chippendale. You will find that I am expected.
DESK CLERK Ah yes, Mr. Saint-Vladmirovotch. He has the royal suite.
ANGUS (Quiet urgency) Chippendale! My god...
THE TICK What is it?
ANGUS My God, Chippendale, I should have known.
Angus prepares to move.
ANGUS Come on! We have to get up to the royal suite.
THE TICK Who’s Chippendale?
Nearby the desk clerk addresses a pair of bellhops, one quite large, the other with a solid but unspectacular build.
DESK CLERK You two go down to the kitchen and get the hors d’oeuvres for the Royal Suite.
BELLBOYS (Together) Yes sir.
Angus and The Tick look at each other, both struck with the same idea.
ANGUS and THE TICK (Together) Bellboys!
CUT TO. INT. HOTEL ELEVATORS. NIGHT.
The Tick and Angus are wearing the Bellboy’s outfits while the bellboys themselves are tied up in the background in their t-shirts and boxer shorts.
ANGUS How does yours fit?
THE TICK A little tight, but I’ll manage, Thank the gods for stretch polyester.
ANGUS Ok. Let’s get up there and get that briefcase, then we’ll round up all the vermin.
BELLHOP (Pissed off) Didn’t bribery ever occur to you two?
ANGUS I’ll hold the elevator, you get the hors d’oeuvres.
They enter the elevator. Muzack plays in the background. They wait. The Tick opens the food and samples something.
THE TICK Hey these little crab things are great. Try one.
ANGUS No thanks. One of my teeth is a cleverly disguised cyanide capsule, but I’m not sure which one. I try to stay away from hard foods.
There is a pause. The music plays.
THE TICK I love Ray Conniff.
ANGUS Hey, who doesn’t?
There is a ding as the elevator reaches its stop and the pair emerges.
ANGUS Here we go.
They exit the elevator.
ANGUS Egad! What a party!
We see the party room, full of criminals of all sort.
ANGUS All my oldest and most hated rivals, Tick. (Pointing to one) Mr. Planters…
…A man with a peanut shaped head, top hat and monocle.
ANGUS …Devon Ugly…
Just how ugly he is we will never know as he wears a fabric mask over his head with only eye holes for features.
ANGUS …The Cleft…
A man with a chin cleft so large you could store CDs in it.
ANGUS …The-guy-that-looks-just like-Peter-Lorre…
He really does look just like Peter Lorre.
ANGUS The cream of the crimeworld. And there, at the top of this grotesque sundae, the rottenest cherry of them all… My arch-enemy, the twisted, evil, horribly deformed Chairface Chippendale!!
Chairface is exactly as his name suggests, instead of a head he has a wooden kitchen chair protruding from the neck of his expensive suit. Two legs replace his neck while two more jut out like chins. He has no eyes, no ears, no visible mouth, yet he holds a drink and somehow is able to speak…
CHAIRFACE (Voice: Geoffrey Rush) Ahh! The hors d’oeuvres have arrived.
ANGUS Cursed from birth to wear that unmistakable furniture expression to the grave!
CHAIRFACE Bring them in, boys!
ANGUS (Soflty, to The Tick) You wheel ‘em over. I’m going to find Boris and the briefcase.
CHARIFACE Hurry up, Idiot.
The Tick wheels the cart to near The-guy-that-looks-just like-Peter-Lorre. He opens the trays.
THE TICK Try the crab things, they’re great.
THE-GUY-THAT-LOOKS-JUST LIKE-PETER-LORRE (Voice: Rich Little as Peter Lorre) You’re paid to server, oaf, not critique.
THE TICK (Grabbing him by the lapel, annoyed) Yeah? Well I’m sure you’ll love them…when I cram ‘em down your throat!!
He proceeds to do just that, then realizes he is attracting attention to himself. He looks around and forces a smile.
THE TICK Would…ah…would anyone like a cocktail?
Meanwhile, Angus has found Boris. He approaches him from behind.
ANGUS Vienna is nice this time of year, isn’t it Boris?
BORIS Who are you? Who-
He grabs Boris by the shoulder but doesn’t notice that Pineapple Pokopo is in turn moving in behind him.
ANGUS Not important, friend. Just hand over he briefcase before things get messy.
Pokopo leans in behind Angus, right in his face.
POKOPO (Voice: Ben Edlund) I like messy, Angus. I think a bloody quivering mess would make my night.
ANGUS (Smiling) Hiya, Pineapple!
Angus unleashes a flurry of punches and strikes to the larger man. But the Polynesian shrugs off the blows and laughs. Angus holds his bruised fist.
ANGUS Ow.
POKOPO Ha Haheh-hee-hoo!
ANGUS I’ve always hated that laugh, Pokopo.
Meanwhile, Chairface is examining The Tick.
CHARIFACE You know, you are suspiciously large for a bellboy.
THE TICK Funny you should notice, villain…
Angus comes flying across he room and crashes into The Tick’s cart.
POKOPO Ha Haheh-hee-hoo!
THE TICK Angus! Are you alright?
Chairface lets out a diabolical laugh.
CHARIFACE Angus MacGuire, my dear old friend! What an unexpected pleasure! I’m so glad you’ve come. Now I can cross you off my list!
ANGUS (Standing) Don’t bother, I’m not here for the party.
CHARIFACE Not my invitations list, Angus. My eliminations list. Please crush them, Mr. Pokopo.
POKOPO With pleasure, Chairface.
ANGUS Careful, Tick. Pokopo is incredibly strong.
THE TICK Good! (Beat, as he charges) SPOON!
POKOPO (Taken aback) Huh?
The Tick charges, punching Pokopo in the gut with incredible force. Pokopo doubles over, his face a mixture of surprise and pain. The Tick then locks a headlock on him and lifts his head over his shoulder from behind.
THE TICK Let’s see…Pull pin…
He grabs the tuft of hair on Pokopo’s head and tears it out by the roots.
THE TICK Count to three…and throw!
He tosses Pokopo over his shoulder so he sails through the air headfirst into a plate glass window separating two rooms. It shatters on impact and Pokopo disappears from view. The Tick returns to his tray and lifts it over his head as the gathered villains scatter for cover.
THE TICK SPOON!!
THE FOREHEAD (Voice: Rich Little, drawing a gun) Triggermen!
ANGUS (Drawing his own gun) Back-to-back Tick!
They take up position as over two dozen men draw guns of various types, surrounding our heroes.
CHARIFACE Drop the gun, Angus.
ANGUS (To The Tick) It’s alllright Tick, over the last few years I’ve built up quite an immunity to bullet wounds. I can probably take it.
THE TICK Even to me that doesn’t make sense but ok.
CHARIFACE Don’t be silly! Any one of these Triggermen could shoot the eyeteeth out of your head at a hundred yards.
THE FOREHEAD The Triggerman Society is infallible. We are a force of nature. We do not miss.
Chairface is now holding a remote control.
CHARIFACE I suggest you comply with my wishes.
Chairface hits a few controls. There is a whirring sound as a pulley springs to life in the ceiling.
CHARIFACE You were a fool to come here, MacGuire.
ANGUS I know you are, but what am I?
CHARIFACE You’re mine!
He hits another control and a steel cable noose falls from the ceiling, trapping Tick and Angus back-to-back in its noose.
THE TICK Don’t worry. I’ll snap this steel like pasta!
The Tick strains against the cable. But it is taught against the two of them so the noose only tightens as he tries.
ANGUS (In pain) Tick! You’re crushing me!!
The Tick stops straining and Angus gasps.
THE TICK You’ll pay for this Chairface!
ANGUS (Softly) I think my ribs just fused together.
CHAIRFACE Ha! Like a really brilliant fellow, I have used your own mighty strength against you! You can’t break your bonds without crushing your partner! Now I will witness your demise!
He laughs maniacally…
To be continued in…
Episode 14
THE MOON MENACE