Previously on The Tick THE TICK Arthur, you can be my sidekick. THE TICK Arthur, I don’t mean to offend you, but…you’re not…I mean you’re not…you know…funny…are you? ARTHUR Funny? What do you mean? I…Oh! No! No…not I’m not…I mean…I’m not…funny… THE TICK Good. Cause I’m not either. Superheroes shouldn’t be…you know… ARTHUR Funny. THE TICK Yeah. Episode 13 In Search Of….Pez ???. NIGHT. We see only a man against a night sky, the full moon prominent. He looks to be in his late 30s or early 40s. His black hair is parted at the far left, creating a swoop of hair over his head. He is wearing a yellow trenchcoat complete with belt, tie and, on his wrist, a Two-way wristwatch TV mounted on a 360 degree wrist lazy Susan. This is Angus MacGuire. As always, when a thought bubble is indicated an actual bubble appears over the character’s head with text matching the voice over. ANGUS (Voice: Sean Bean with a mild Scottish American accent, thought bubble) My name is Angus MacGuire. I’m a police detective. Sort of. I live a rough and tumble life of big guns and bad habits. I’m the long arm that stands between our country and the real criminal menace. Not the peons, the thugs, and gunmen, but the masterminds. BEGIN MONTAGE. As Angus speaks we see mugshots of the criminals he names. In true Dick Tracy fashion their names describe their appearance. ANGUS (V.O.) The movers and shakers of the underworld. People like…Zipperneck. Shot of a man with a zipper implanted in his neck. ANGUS (V.O.) The Crease. We see a man with a deep ridge across the center of his face, his eyes hidden within it. ANGUS (V.O.) Harriet Curse. We see Oedipus’s stepmother Amanda. ANGUS (V.O.) Boils Brown. A man covered in large red boils, wearing a red polka dot tie that only adds to the effect. ANGUS (V.O.) Eyebrows Smith. A man with a gun, marked by giant eyebrows. ANGUS (V.O.) And countless others. A spectacularly ugly menagerie of career wrongdoers. FLASHBACK. EXT. VIENNA STREET. NIGHT. We see Angus surreptitiously trailing a man who looks a lot like a real life Boris Badanoff, complete with a briefcase handcuffed to his wrist. ANGUS (V.O.) I was following Boris Saint-Vladamirovotch, a Bulgarian courier bringing stolen secrets to The City, USA. END FLASHBACK EXT. CITY STREET. PRESENT. ANGUS (Thought bubble) This was something big. This had the stench of a master criminal all over it. I had a hunch and it wasn’t on my back. This case was a tough nut, but I could crack it. Angus speaks into his wrist TV. ANGUS Hello? Come in? This is Detective MacGuire. Do you copy? (Thought bubble) All I needed was a little back up. INT. ARTHUR’S APARTMENT. NIGHT. The Tick holds up a spoon. THE TICK (Voice: Patrick Warburton) SPOON! Pan out to reveal The Tick and Arthur are seated at Arthur’s kitchen table eating dinner. They are both drinking Coke Zero. ARTHUR Are you all right? THE TICK I’m fine Arthur. (Not as loud) Spoon!! (Normal voice) I like the word. It’s got a nice ring to it. Henceforth it will be my battle cry. ARTHUR Your what? THE TICK My battle cry. The cry I emit just prior to leaping into battle. I’m a grizzled veteran of super-hero battles now. I need something catchy to yell out during them. Something that will endear me to the public. ARTHUR “Spoon”? THE TICK I only wish I’d thought of it when I fought The Red Scare. ARTHUR You know, that Red Scare looked an awful lot like you. THE TICK What? ARTHUR I mean you two could be twins. THE TICK Don’t be silly Arthur, he’s red. I’m blue. ARTHUR I see. How do you like dinner? THE TICK Dinner’s great! I especially like how you cut up my hot dogs to look like octopi. He holds up a hot dog that has, in fact, been cut four ways to the middle to make eight legs. Tiny eyes have also been poked in the top. THE TICK (Adopting a high pitched voice) Oh please don’t eat me! I’m just a harmless undersea creature! (Beat) But what this feast needs. Arthur, is Pez. ARTHUR What? THE TICK (Climbing out the window) I’ll jump over to the store and get us some. ARTHUR (Confused) Pez? EXT. CITY STREET. CONTINUOUS. Angus MacGuire stands outside a cheap hotel, “Tabasco Joe’s, Live Bait and Lodging” ANGUS (Thought bubble) With my courier friend safely tucked away in a two-bit fleabag flophouse I was free to wander the night streets of The City. I made another call for assistance. (Into wrist TV) Guys? (Thought bubble) But my please rang out against dead static. My man would make his move at midnight. That gave me a couple of hours to kill. He wanders the streets. In a nearby alley two homeless men fight over a bottle of booze while a nearby prostitute seeks out customers for the evening. ANGUS (Thought bubble) The City was a sewer. A cesspool, a smut-tiled bathroom with hot and cold running crime… I needed a smoke and a good cup of Joe, so like every other human moth in this steamy sprawl, I succumbed to the allure of some nameless convenience store. He enters the store and moves to the magazine rack, perusing some porn. ANGUS (Thought bubble) Tonight Boris would unwittingly lead me into the heart of the crime ring he served. But without divine providence or a good shotgun man I’d be hopelessly outnumbered. THE TICK (O.S.) I seek…Pez! Angus turns to see The Tick speaking to the shopkeeper. THE TICK Good evening, lowly clerk, where is your Pez? ANGUS (Thought bubble) A super-hero! Of course! Who better to face the ravages of a master criminal? Who knows what grim mission brought him out of the shadows that night…But I knew he was all the help I needed. Angus approaches The Tick as he selects some Pez Dispensers from the wide assortment next to a Coca- Cola refrigerator,. ANGUS You’re a super-hero, right? THE TICK That’s what it says on my mailbox. ANGUS (Holding up a badge) My name is Angus MacGuire. I’m a secret detective agent loosely connected with a vaguely defined if not non-existent criminal investigations bureau…And I need your help. THE TICK Keen! EXT. ALLEY. CONTINUOUS. ANGUS (Thought bubble) In a back alley behind the store, I gave my new blue ally the skinny on the situation. (To The Tick) The lab in Vienna was completely destroyed. We wouldn’t even have known about the theft if I hadn’t been tipped off by an old informant. That stolen technology could have been any one of a hundred deadly super-weapons. Each capable of unprecedented destruction…and it’s here in The City! The Tick looks at his clown-headed Pez dispenser with concern. THE TICK This is graveness. But let me be coherent for a moment. If you need help in this, why don’t you just go to your bureau? ANGUS This two-way wrist TV is my only means of contact with my organization…they don’t seem to be answering my calls. THE TICK Well, when did you speak to them last? ANGUS Noonish. Summer. 1973. They’re being a little coy, I’ll admit. He reaches out and places a hand on The Tick’s forehead. ANGUS Listen. We’re running out of time. I’m going to deputize you in the name of…eh…of Mom, baseball and apple pie. THE TICK Mmm. Sounds official. EXT. HOLIDAY INN. NIGHT. ANGUS (V.O.) Boris left Tabasco Joe’s at midnight exactly. We tailed him to the Holiday Inn on the interstate. He made every movement like a finely tuned clock. All we could do was watch him tick and tock. We could have taken the briefcase at any time, but I had bigger fish to fry…He stopped for a drink at the hotel bar. We staked out the lobby. INT. HOLIDAY INN. CONTINUOUS. The Tick sits on a lobby chair. He holds a newspaper in front of him but a huge hole has been torn through it for him to look through. Angus is nearby using a high tech remote listening device. THE TICK I see him! I see him!! ANGUS Shhh…Tick we’re crashing a huge party here, and the invite list reads like America’s Most wanted. THE TICK Wow. (Beat) Is that show still on? ANGUS Look! Over there! It’s The Forehead, in from Chicago. He’s the leader of the Triggerman Society. Like his name suggest, The Forehead has one massive forehead. ANGUS And there’s “Pineapple Pokopo” head of the Polynesian underworld. Pokopo is nearly bald except for one tuft of hair directly on top of his head. Much of his face is scarred with a grid like pattern. The effect is to make him look a lot like a pineapple. ANGUS This is unbelievable. All the big names in international crime. Here. Now. Who the hell is throwing this bash? And why? Boris re-enters the lobby and heads to the front desk. ANGUS Shh. Boris is moving.