Appendices May 10

A Pilgrim’s Guide to The Grief Journey The Vale of Tears Experiencing Growth through Loss Robert Weston New Wine Press ii New Wine Ministries PO Box 17 Chichester West Sussex United Kingdom PO19 2AW Copyright © 2008 Robert Weston All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying or otherwise, without the prior written consent of the publisher. Short extracts may be used for review purposes. Scripture quotations are taken from: HOLY BIBLE, NEW LIVING TRANSLATION. Copyright © 1996. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc. Wheaton, Illinois 60189. All rights reserved. ISBN 978-1-905991-20-4 Typeset by Ruach Breath of Life Ministries www.ruachministries.org Printed in Malta iii The Vale of Tears Part One: The Valley of the Shadow 1 Patterns of Grief Embarking on the Journey The Disorientation Loss Brings The Divine Anaesthetic Searching and Pining Sadness and Sorrow Breaking Grief’s Isolation Living under the Shadow of His Wings Beyond the Sequence of Losses Part Two: Facing the Reality of Grief 23 Knowing God Faith or Presumption? The Shock of Severed Hopes Broken Relationships When the Grief is all Our Own Fault Shrinking Horizons Changing Roles Shock and Guilt in the Aftermath of Loss (i and ii) No Pit so Deep Eleventh Hour Miracle? Removing Trauma Never too late to Grieve Yielded Hearts and altered Perspectives The Power of Letting Go A Pilgrim Restored Angelic Assistance The Treasures of Darkness iv Part Three: Approaching the Final Transition 70 Eternal Homecomings Anticipatory Grief, i) The Gift of Tears Anticipatory Grief ii) Saying Goodbye Ahead of Time Making a Good Death Part Four: Minimizing Grief’s Desolation 81 Expressing Grief and Loss When Impatience sets in The Power of Resilience Bringing Rest to Troubled Souls Too Many Choices When the Grass Appears Greener Wounds in the Household of Faith Moving Beyond the Reef of Rejection Misunderstood Handling dark Times: Tunnel Experiences The Dark Night of the Soul Part Five: Strategies For Resolving Grief 109 The Sacrament of the Present Moment Harnessing Grief Grief that inspires Creativity The Power of Writing to Heal The Power of Music to heal The Blessing of Friendship Ceremonies that facilitate Grief Gratitude that Sustains Part Six: Fallout from Grief 127 In the Immediate Aftermath Who Suffers Most in the Aftermath of Loss? Fallout from the Death of Children Fallout for Children Fallout from Divorce Fallout from Relocation Praying for Prodigals v The Hedge of Thorns Coping with Redundancy Coping with Retirement Fallout from Controlling Church Part Seven: Lending Our Strength 161 Coming alongside the Grief-stricken Sharing Condolence What if I put my Foot in It? Is this Grief contagious? Weeping with those who weep Caring for the Carers God Honours those who honour Him Returning to Society and moving on again Part Eight: If Grief takes Convoluted Paths 181 Resisting Anxiety Resisting Pain-prone Reactions Resisting Grief going Underground Resisting the Stoic Approach Resisting the Impulse to flee Resisting making Contact with the Dead Resisting the Temptation to Suicide Resisting the Desire to take Revenge Resisting the “But-what-ifs” Resisting excessive Self-consciousness Resisting Aftershocks Part Nine: The Wider Picture 211 Escaping Grief’s Gravitational Pull Never underestimate the Power of Prayer Burden bearing in the Spirit Sharing more of the Father’s Grief When Grief and Deception Engulf Nations Lest we forget Prophetic Lament The Courage to keep going vi Cultivating an eternal Perspective Appendix One: Exequy (A Funeral Celebration ) 237 Appendix Two: 245 Praise Carts and Protective Mechanisms P Perfectionism R Repression A Addictions I Identification and Idolatry S Shame and Suppression E Extremes C Compensation A Avoidance R Rationalisation T Tensions (The Neurosis of Grief ) S Substitution and Sublimination Appendix Three: Important Considerations 263 Living Wills Living Compliments Appendix Four: Antidotes to Grief 267 Appendix Five: Final Poems and Prayers 269 vii Commendations Having experienced the inexplicable nocturnal death of our eleven year old son, we can personally attest to the accuracy of Robert’s explanations, the Holy Spirit’s anointing on his prayers, and the authority of his life-giving council. This important book will help you in and through grief and, beyond any other resource we are aware of, will prepare you to minister to others. Thanks, Robert, for an exceptionally hard job extremely well done.” Paul and Gretel Haglin, (Resurrection Christian Ministries) In the book you have in your hands, Robert shines warm light on the difficult and dark experience of loss – which can affect any one of us at any time. Liberally peppering his compassionate writing with vivid illustrations, quotes and moving stories – many from his own journey – he provides us with deep understanding of what is happening, as well as pointing us towards strategies for finding “treasures” in the darkness. As he says, “this book is all about preparing our hearts for times when it feels as though the bottom has fallen out of the world.” Robert helps us equally to come sensitively alongside others in their loss, to help them cast their burden on the Lord. Rather than ploughing on relentlessly, Robert invites the reader to pause frequently and reflect. To this end he has provided a series of succinct yet striking prayers. Apart from the Bible, which Robert frequently quotes and illuminates, I can think of no better book to help turn loss and grief into the growth experience God intends. Mike Field, (Jersey Evangelical Alliance) Grief is like a rocky valley with sharp dark sides. This comp- rehensive introduction to the grief journey offers the grieving viii – and those who travel with them – wise and compassionate insight into widely differing kinds of loss. Robert examines the threats that loss poses in the Valley of the Shadow, and shows us how we can find healing and wholeness, eventually emerging into green refreshing pastures. Revd. David Woodhouse, (Editor, “Trauma and Abuse”) When do we learn to drive? Is it before we own a car, in anticipation of owning one soon? Or is it after we have bought a car that we decide it might be a good idea to learn how to drive it? We might ask the same question about grief. Do we learn about grief and the process of grieving before or after encountering it – either in our own life, or in the life of a friend or relative? Robert’s book makes the sensible assumption that it is better to prepare ourselves beforehand for what will inevita- bly come our way in the course of life. Unlike many books on grief, he does not just deal with bereavement, but considers grief that is caused by all sorts of other events: loss of friends or job, loss of vision, or ambition, divorce or retirement and so on. In the practical and Biblically-based way that has typified his earlier books, Robert writes about the emotional and spiritual forces involved in the grief process. Whether you are suffering yourself, or anticipate consoling others, his wisdom, experience and examples offer insight, foresight and perspectives that cannot fail to prepare you. Even in the midst of grief it is not too late to read this book. The many themes that Robert explores will enable you to home in on just what you are experiencing to provide the help you need most. There are no quick fixes to grief, let alone any easy triumphalism, but Robert shows us that it is possible to advance along the grief journey courageously, and to avoid many of the pitfalls on it. I commend it. David Barratt, (Author of “C. S. Lewis and his World”) ix We have known Robert Weston for twenty five years and have stayed in close touch throughout that time. We have shared each other’s joys and trials, and Robert has had his share of these. It is from this background that he addresses the great problem of Grief and the last Taboo of our society: Death. The pages of this book take the reader through the many aspects of grieving including the loss not just of loved ones but jobs, dreams and aspirations. It pulls no punches and is full of honest advice both practical and spiritual on how to cope with our worst fears. A must for those who are going through avenues of pain, or who are involved in helping others who are. Peter and Mac Tompsett, (Image Consultants) May I say how impressed I am by your ability to pull together so many thoughts, quotes and stories, as well as research? Your heart, combined with your wisdom and long ministry experience is a stunning combination. This book is going to actively minister to many! Laurie Klein, (Author, and composer of the song “I love you Lord”) Note about References To save putting long web addresses at the end of each chapter, I have posted useful links on our web site. See www.ruachministries.org/valeoftears/refs.htm for specific references, and www.ruachministries.org for our main site. X VALE OF TEARS Acknowledgements Rather as bees gather nectar from many flowers, I have benefited from the input of many friends and publications during the demanding process of completing this book. I would particularly like to thank Sally Mowbray for walking this journey with me from the beginning. You have provided valuable spiritual insight, as well as showing enormous patience in helping to edit the numerous drafts of this book. Laurie Klein – your perceptive suggestions have greatly helped to shape the text, drawing on your experience both as a writer and as one who has received help with past abuse.

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