Greek Gods

Zeus..... Ares.....Taran Killam Athena.....Nasim Pedrad Apollo..... Artemis..... Demeter..... Poseidon.....Andy Samberg Hera.....Kristen Wiig Eros..... Aphrodite.....Abby Elliott Hermes.....Paul Brittain Hades.....Bill Hader Yanni.....Adam Levine Dionysus.....Charlie Day Klaus.....

[ open on rotating headlines: "Greek Economy in Peril", "Greece: Who Will Save Us Now?", "Greek Gods To Meet" ]

[ dissolve to slide of Mount Olympus ]

[ dissolve to a meeting of the Greek gods ]

Zeus: Order! Order, order! I, Zeus, King of the Gods, have summoned you all to Mount Olympus because, somehow, the Greek economy has collapsed! [ the other Greek gods express their shock ] I know! No, I know! I was as surprised as you are! I mean, after all, the Greeks are widely known as a hard-working, industrious people -- you know, a people willing to labor week in and week out, three days a week, one hour a day until the age of 45. But today, we Gods must come to their aid. So, quick -- let us hear from the Greek God of Finance! [ the other gods look around ] Wait... there is a Greek God of Finance, right? There has to be! Surely, someone has been looking after the economy all these years! Ares! Isn't Finance part of your sphere?

Ares: No! I, Ares, am the God of War, Violence, and Bloodlust!

Zeus: [ dumbstruck ] All three? Wow! Great range! Athena -- what about you?

Athena: I am also War.

Zeus: Okay... hold on. So, basically, we have two gods of War, huh?

Athena: I'm also god of Wisdom.

Zeus: Okay, great! Perfect! Okay, then, give us your wisdom.

Athena: We could go to war.

[ the other gods cheer ]

Zeus: No! No! Easy, you animals! We're not going to war! We can figure this out! Apollo! Apollo -- don't you dabble in Finance?

Apollo: [ wearing dark sunglasses ] Nah, baby... I'm all about the sun!

Zeus: Hmm... Apollo, I keep telling you -- you gotta wear sunblock.

Apollo: Man... what are you talking about, baby? [ he lifts his sunglasses to reveal white skin around his eyes ]

Zeus: [ he rolls his eyes ] Artemis -- what about you?

Artemis: I am Goddess of the Hunt!

Zeus: Mmm-hmm. So, basically, also War?

Artemis: But I 'malso Queen of the Animals! And I've never told anyone this, but I'm ALSO a VIRGIN!!

Zeus: [ laughing ] Yeah! Yeah, no kidding! Alright, okay. [pointing ] And, I'm sorry, who are you again?

Demeter: I am Demeter, Goddess of the Harvest, and I am not a virgin. [ he winks ]

Zeus: Uh -- what about you, Poseidon, God of the Ocean? Surely, you've dealt with sea trade and international commerce -- you know. Do you have an economic plan?

Poseidon: Okay, here's the plan: I turn into a dolphin -- hear me out! I have sex with a human woman -- hear me out! It's not consensual -- hear me out! [ he pauses ] She's my daughter.

Zeus: [ laughing ] Oh, man, you dirty dog!

Poseidon: [ laughing ] Ohhhh! You're gonna bust my balls, Zeus?

Zeus: [ laughing ] You got me! No, man -- I turn into animals that have sex with chicks ALL the time! I'm like Tiger Woods, only an actual tiger!

Hera: Ahem! [ she taps her staff ]

Zeus: [ stunned ] Crap! It's my wife -- Hera. [ coolly ] Hey, baby! Hey. I was just, uh, totally being faithful, you know? What's up?

Hera: [ she sighs ] Have you dealt with the financial crisis yet?

Zeus: Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, pretty much, yeah, we got it. [ an arrow hits him in the chest ] Hey! Eros! cool it, pal!

Eros: [ poty-faced ] Sowwy.

Zeus: Hey, Aphrodite! Keep your son in check!

Aphrodite: Please. He's your son, too.

Zeus: [ stone-faced, turns to Hera ] Whaaat?! What?! No, she's kidding! Come on! Come on, she's the Goddess of Laughs, that one! [ he laughs ]

Hera: Okay, well... you're not the only one having affairs. I just had sex with a dlophin. [ Poseidon is now stone-faced ] Though, it was disappointing.

Poseidon: Yeah... well... the dolphin told me to tell you... that the ocean was really cold. So... that explains it. Besides...

Zeus: Hmm...

Hera: Also, I need to go to the doctor because I got actual crabs.

Zeus: Oh. Yeah. Okay. [ Hera leaves ] See ya'! [ to the other gods ] Okay, financial solutions! We need 'em, who's got 'em? Hermes!

Hermes: Yeah, uhhhh, I could send them a message!

Zeus: [ he shakes his head ] You're the WORST! Yuo really are the worst. You're TERRIBLE! Hades! God of the Underworld! What have you got?

Hades: We could just kill everyone. I don't know -- I only do ONE thing.

Zeus: Yeah, I know! I know, I know... I don't even know why I asked. Maybe it's time for Zoloft, buddy. Alright? Okay, uh, who else? What about the Greek God of music -- Yanni?

[ reveal Yanni playing on keyboards as the wind whips through his hair ]

Zeus: [ he rolls his eyes ] Okay, that was helpful. Dionysus! Where's Dionysus, the god of Festivals and Drunkeness? Is he here?

[ Dionysus runs in ]

Dionysus: Oh! Yeah! Hey! [ laughing ] Oh, man, sorry I'm late! You know -- orgy stuff!

Zeus: Mmm-hmm.

Dionysus: Yeah, I had, like, ten orgies!

Zeus: Great.

Dionysus: Demeter knows what I'm talking about!

Demeter: [ laughing ] Shut up!

Dionysus: By the way -- Athena? You were great last night.

Athena: [ confused ] Uh -- what was last night?

Dionysus: When you turned into a goat! Yeah? [ alarmed ] What, did you not turn into a goat?

Athena: Nope.

Dionysus: So I just banged a regular goat?

Zeus: [ laughing ] Yeah!

Dionysus: [ he shrugs it off ] I've done worse! [ they laugh ] So what's up, guys?

Zeus: you know -- we're just trying to find out which god is in charge of Finance.

Dionysus: Uh-oh!

Zeus: Uh-oh?

Hermes: It's the PARTY God's fault, Zeus! He's been overseeing ALL the Greek banks!

Dionysus: Hey, SHUT UP, you little BITCH!

Zeus: Yeah, SHUT UP, YOU LITTLE BITCH!! By my own beard, is this true?

Dionysus: Well, kinda...

Zeus: Yeah?

Dionysus: You know... I mean, look, I've been dealing with the spending part, you know? I've got the spending part of the economy -- I've got that mastered. You know -- spending!

Zeus: Right.

Dionysus: What's the other part?

Zeus: Uh -- saving.

Dionysus: Ohhhhh!! [ laughing ] No, I didn't do that! I didn't do that part, man!

Zeus: Well, then you leave me no choice. I summon Klaus, the German God of Prudence and Austerity!

Klaus: [ enters, weilding a wooden hammer ] Okay. Listen up -- I will lend you zis money, but first you must take some some responsibility and make some serious cutbacks! Ya?

[ the other gods object ]

Zeus: No way! Sorry, Klaus. Now, either you give us the money, or we take ALL of Europe down with us. I mean, we started democracy, we can end it.

Klaus: Okay, fine!

[ the gods cheer ]

[ cut to spinning newspaper, with headline: "Greece Gets Bailout" ]

[ zoom in on sub-headline: "Vows to Spend It Unwisely" ]

[ fade ]