Canoeing in Corsica Music is back for more Win Star Wars stuff Summer sport is here Imperial students mess Brendan Benson live, Four Tet Plus reviews of Kingdom of Heaven Imperial cricketers get into the about on the river, page 10 and our festival guide, page 14 the The Interpreter, page 16 groove, page 19

The student newspaper of Imperial College ● Established 1949 ● Issue 1322 ● Thursday 12 May 2005 ● www.felixonline.co.uk

Discrimination can lead to illness A recent survey published by Campus food unhealthy and Imperial College researchers has found that lesbian, gay and bisexual people are 10% more likely to have mental health problems than het- overpriced, say students erosexuals. The researchers believe that this is caused by By Dave Edwards discrimination and bullying. and Darius Nikbin uSCIENCE page 5 Students believe that the Amazing caving food available on Imperial “We explored a wholly out- College’s main campus is of-this-world landscape. The unhealthy and overpriced, chamber is the size of four according to a Felix poll con- football pitches side by side, ducted this week. and tall enough to consume Of the students interviewed, the Blackett Laboratory...” only 26% felt that food on cam- uCLUBS AND SOCIETIES pus was ‘healthy’ and just 32% page 12 believed it was ‘good value for money’. The poll also shows 24-hour libraries that caterers would be wise Uncle Sam looks into the prac- to reconsider the nutritional ticalities of having the central content of their food, with 67% library open all hours. of students saying they would uCOMMENT page 7 be interested in healthier options than already exist. Arbitrary 50% Edward Lilley, Imperial’s Rupert Neate suggests an Catering Manager, told Felix alternative to the Govern- that the College serves food “Chips with everything?” Meals served on campus, like this fast food in the Main Dining Hall, have received criticism ment’s target of 50% of that is popular with students. from students in a Felix poll school-leavers entering high- “We provide customers with er education. what they want,” he said. tiatives to reduce salt, such Do you think the food President (Education and tions. Some students in the uCOLUMNS page 9 Many of the sandwiches as lo-salt sachets, [and] we sold on campus is Welfare) of Imperial College central library, which is open sold in the JCR contain wor- ran a trial of the Options pro- healthy? Union, said: “Obviously it’s 24 hours a day during the Wye winners ryingly high levels of salt and gramme on Mondays in the important that students can summer term, asked for food The Wye women’s rugby team are significantly more expen- JCR.” get food that’s healthy and to be made available later win the ULU Cup with a bril- sive than similar products He also said that students reasonably priced. I think into the night. One respond- liant 17-0 victory over LSE. offered by local stores such are given the opportunity to Union catering has improved ent suggested that eating at as Boots, Marks & Spencer express their views via annual enormously over the last six the nearby Royal College of and The Sandwich Shop [see surveys and comment cards. months.” Art was a better option, while page 3 for further details]. Neither Mr Lilley nor the The Union said that it would others called for a radical According to Mr Lilley, the Union’s caterers could pro- always listen to feedback from boycott of College catering. College has considered ways vide us with any written nutri- students about its catering ● The high salt content of reducing salt levels and tional information or healthy and other services. of campus food, page 3 promoting healthy eating: eating policy. The survey also brought ● Survey results, page 3 “We’ve already started ini- Sam Rorke, Deputy up a few unforeseen sugges- ● Pricewatch, page 3 uSPORT page 20

THIS WEEK News page 3 Conservatives capture local seats Science page 4 Comment page 6 By Dave Edwards and Chelsea and reclaimed with 57.9%. Jenny Kingsley, of Greening’s victory was the ity was slashed to 66. They Letters page 8 Editor two nearby seats, in which the Liberal Democrats, fin- first strong suggestion that now have 356 MPs, the a considerable number of ished second on 18.3%. the Tories were set to make Conservatives 197 and the Columns page 9 Mark Field, of the Conser- Imperial students live, from In Hammersmith and gains nationwide. Liberal Democrats 62. Clubs and Societies vative party, has been re- Labour. Fulham, which contains Damian Green and Tony Blair is the only page 10 elected as MP for the Cities Mr Field, who was inter- Charing Cross Hospital, Greg Adam Afriyie, both of the Labour leader in history to What’s On page 12 of London and Westminster, viewed in Felix two weeks Hands of the Conservatives Conservative party, were have won three consecutive Music page 14 the constituency containing ago, took 47.3% of the vote, was elected with 45.4% of elected in the constituen- general elections, but his Film page 16 Imperial’s South Kensington compared to 25.1% for Hywel votes. The result in neigh- cies containing the Wye and party was backed by only Puzzles page 18 campus. Lloyd of Labour. bouring Putney was one of Silwood Park campuses around 22% of those eligible The Conservatives also Malcolm Rifkind was elect- the first to be declared on respectively. to vote, the lowest figure in Sport page 19 comfortably won Kensington ed in Kensington and Chelsea election night, and Justine Overall, Labour’s major- modern times. Editor Felix Dave Edwards Beit Quad Prince Consort Road Science Editor London SW7 2BB Darius Nikbin Telephone: 020 7594 8072 Email: [email protected] Music Editor Web: www.felixonline.co.uk Andrew Sykes Issue 1322 Registered newspaper Film Editor ISSN 1040-0711 Alan Ng Copyright © Felix 2005 Felix Thursday 12 May 2005 www.felixonline.co.uk 3

NEWS FEATURE: CAMPUS FOOD [email protected] The high salt content of College life Are you getting the best health value out of your food on campus? Martin Smith had lunch in the JCR, read the Government’s recommendations on salt content, and was shocked by what he found Much has been said and writ- is also evidence that a high ten about the cost of a decent salt intake in childhood may JCR SHOP PRICE CHECK sandwich around campus, predispose us to getting high We compared prices at the JCR Shop with three local high in particular the over-priced blood pressure later in life. street stores. The figures speak for themselves, yet eating in bread-based offerings in All in all, it seems that too the JCR remains a popular option the JCR. However, a few much salt isn’t good for you. moments’ research shows Government recommenda- JCR SHOP (after 10% student discount) that buying your lunch on the tions for daily intake tell us Chicken and bacon Caesar salad sandwich £2.70 walkway might not just be that we should consume less Classic BLT sandwich £2.34 damaging your pocket, but than 6g of salt per day. Ham, cheese and coleslaw sandwich £1.70 your health as well. The Institute of Medicine 330ml can of Coca-Cola 59p Salt is a chemical that we suggests that “healthy 19- to are all familiar with, and 50-year-old adults should con- BOOTS, GLOUCESTER ROAD there can’t be many people sume 3.8 grams of salt a day, ‘Delicious’ BLT sandwich £2.00 at Imperial who aren’t aware to replace the amount lost Ham and mustard sandwich £1.40 daily on average” and places 2 x 500ml bottles of Coca-Cola £1.29 “Buying your lunch on an upper limit “that people the walkway might not should not exceed” at 5.8g. THE SANDWICH SHOP, GLOUCESTER ROAD However, it isn’t always All pre-packed sandwiches £1 to £1.60 just be damaging your obvious exactly how much 330ml can of Coca-Cola 50p pocket, but your health salt a product contains, as JCR shop: rip-off merchant or just misunderstood? as well” usually only the sodium level MARKS & SPENCER, HIGH STREET KENSINGTON is quoted on the packaging. are for wimps) reveals that Wrapped Up’ and assume Roast chicken salad sandwich £1.60 that it is composed of sodi- Fear not, Imperial students, the sandwich contains 4.25g that this sausage, egg and Tuna and cucumber sandwich £1.40 um and chlorine, two rather for a moment alone with a of salt and the crisps 2.75g. bacon wrap is healthy, but nasty elements. periodic table reassures you That’s a total of 7g of salt, and most would put that down every day. Most sandwiches I However, this is an issue If your sodium levels are too that to convert sodium weight so assuming I had a sensible to fat content. However, the saw contained between 1 and that the Government is taking high, your body retains too into salt weight you just have breakfast I’m well over my fact that this sandwich has 1.3 grams of sodium (or 2.5 to seriously. Taylor continues: much water, causing blood to multiply by about 2.5. daily allowance already. By 55% more salt than the crisps 4 grams of salt): around half “The Government are now in pressure to rise and putting Back in the JCR, I’m the way, 7g is roughly equiv- shocked me. of your daily allowance, even discussions with food manu- strain on the heart. As the munching on a fairly tasty alent to drinking 700ml of This sandwich is by no without the crisps. facturers to decide ways of CASH (Consensus Action (but overpriced) lunchtime Atlantic seawater. Tasty. means the only one in the In practice, it may be dif- reducing the salt content of on Salt and Health) website meal of Café Life’s ‘Breakfast Is this surprising? Few peo- JCR that might cause health ficult to reduce the amount foods over time, so that this claims, “it is also widely rec- Wrapped Up’, along with ple would look at ‘Breakfast problems if you ate there of salt in your diet, simply target of 6g can be reached” ognised that a high salt diet a packet of salt and vin- because there is so much of it The levels of salt in some has other adverse effects, egar McCoy’s. Which one in processed food. According JCR sandwiches are very such as osteoporosis, asth- has more salt? The crisps? SOME ‘READY SALTED’ FACTS to dietician Rosie Taylor, “it worrying, and there are ma, and is closely linked to Wrong. A few scrawlings on can be difficult to ensure a clearly health risks involved. cancer of the stomach. There a piece of paper (calculators 75% of salt we eat comes from processed food low salt diet. This is because The least they could do is 65-75% of the salt we con- lower the price – then we 6g is the maximum amount of salt the Government sume is from hidden sources could save up for the nursing says you should consume each day – processed foods or natu- we might need in later life. Felix food survey: rally occuring in foods. Only ● Government health about 15% of the salt we eat recommendations 85% of men and 69% of women in the UK is added during cooking or at regarding salt intake: the results have too much salt the table.” www.salt.gov.uk Do you think the food Do you think the food sold on campus is good sold on campus is value for money? healthy? A demand for healthy food Food counts towards whether you pass or fail exams. Dietician Rosie Taylor explains why you should care about what you eat The importance of good nutri- also implicated in scores of Oliver to banish the chips and turers – improved nutritional tion is nothing new. Back in other conditions. We mustn’t bring in the salads? labelling on foods: something 400BC, Hippocrates said: underestimate the influence I think not. There are the Food Standards Agency “Let food be your medicine on our health of how and what unhealthy foods available on (FSA) are currently develop- and medicine be your food.” we eat. campus – take the salt-rid- ing a ‘signposting’ system Yes Yes As a population, our life- Yet, whilst awareness is den meaty sandwich from the for. I believe that the College No No styles and eating habits have increasing about the role diet JCR or the rows of chocolate should continue to provide Don’t know Don’t know changed drastically over the can play in promoting good bars and sugar-laden drinks a wide selection of foods, so past couple of decades. The health and reducing the risk in the walkway newsagent, that the individual can make Would you be interested Do you ever consider environment we live in has of certain diseases, it seems and of course you’ll end up their own informed choice in healthier options than nutritional content also changed, with the ever- that healthy intentions are with a pretty dire lunch, lack- about the way they eat, but already exist? when you buy food? increasing availability of food often hampered as a result of ing in vitamins and fibre, and perhaps they could do more at all hours of the day, from riddled with sugar and fat. to highlight to us busy and takeaways and home deliv- “Do universities need On the other hand, buying a preoccupied students just eries to supermarket ready a ‘school dinners’ style couple of pieces of fresh fruit which options are the healthi- meals, we have become a and a bottle of water from est. population of fast food lov- visit from Jamie Oliver the JCR before taking a short This problem will be par- ers. And it’s impacting on our to banish the chips and walk across Prince Consort tially solved when the FSA’s health. bring in the salads?” Road to buy a hot jacket pota- new signposting system Links between diet and dis- to and baked beans would is launched. This will not, ease are better understood the food available to people at give you an altogether differ- however, apply to foods that than ever before, and there their places of work, or, in the ent kind of meal. As the man- are freshly prepared and so is a large body of evidence cases of students at Imperial, tra of my fellow dieticians come unpackaged. It is here showing that what you eat their places of study. across the country goes, “no that I think the university Yes Yes has an enormous impact on As the Felix survey has foods should be banned from could have a big impact on No No your health. Today, at least shown, there is demand for a healthy diet, it’s about vari- informing its students about Sometimes four of the ten leading causes healthy food at Imperial. So ety and moderation”. healthy options. Who knows of death in the UK – heart are we being let down by So, I would like to argue what effect it could have Felix spoke to 100 students at a variety of locations across the disease, cancer, stroke and those who supply the food? the case for – along with a – improved exam results as South Kensington campus on Tuesday 10 May diabetes – are directly related Do universities need a ‘school reduction in salt added to a consequence of improved to the way we eat, and diet is dinners’ style visit from Jamie processed foods by manufac- concentration, perhaps? Felix 4 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 12 May 2005

Science [email protected] America puts Darwin on trial Last week, authorities in Kansas took steps to reintroduce religious teaching into the school science curriculum. Darius Nikbin looks at the trial of Charles Darwin’s work and the spread of ‘intelligent design’ Charles Darwin has finally that Darwinism clashed with posits that life’s complexity been brought face to face the biblical teaching that life cannot be explained without with the religious authorities. was created by God. “Part of a supernatural creator or Despite never being tried in our overall goal is to remove architect. Earlier this year, a his own lifetime, last week the the bias against religion that high school in Pennsylvania Kansas Board of Education is currently in schools,” he made history by becoming began making their case said. “This is a scientific con- the first in the country to against the father of modern troversy that has powerful discuss teaching ‘intelligent evolutionary theory. religious implications.” design’. Critics suggested The courtroom took evi- Up until now, ‘creation sci- that this is simply a back- dence from six anti-evolu- ence’ has lost every legal door to allowing non-empiri- tion scientists arguing that challenge associated with cal creationist theories to be Darwin was guilty of prolif- the creationism-evolution taught. erating a theory that fails debate. With legislators in Alabama to explain gaps in the fos- In 1982, a federal judge and Georgia also consider- sil record, the complexity of ruled that ‘creation science’ ing Bills to allow teachers to DNA, or the origin of life. challenge Darwin in class, Outside, boycotting the trial, “...my prayers millions of schoolchildren irate mainstream scientists convinced me that I in the United States will be demonstrated against the taught to question Darwin’s proceedings – but in vain. The should devote my life theory of evolution by natu- State Board of Education’s to destroying ral selection. Christian fun- conservative majority is set Darwinism” damentalist activists have to push through legislation ensured that non-empirical ensuring that pupils are has no scientific significance ‘guiding-hand’ teleological taught to challenge the basic and is merely an attempt to explanations will be taught precepts of evolution. promote religion. In 1987 the alongside established scien- One of the witnesses at trial, supreme court ruled that bib- tific theories of evolution. Jonathan Wells, explains his lical creationism must not be In parts of the US, it motivation: “Father’s words, taught in tandem with evo- appears that religious and my studies and my prayers lution in the US. Even so, scientific education are now convinced me that I should creationism continues to be overlapping. After all these devote my life to destroying taught in many schools. years, the ideas propound- Darwinism.” Dr Wells is an Creationists have, there- ed in Darwin 1859 book The embryologist and senior fel- fore, been forced to adapt Origin Of The Species have low at the Discovery Institute their tactics. Theories of failed to gain the accept- in Seattle. ‘intelligent design’ are ance of the moral majority. The witnesses for the pros- becoming more popular as To many Americans, it seems ecution in the Kansas trial a substitute for the banned that nothing could be more include William Harris, a pro- literal interpretation of the subversive than suggesting fessor of medicine, who said Bible. ‘Intelligent design’ that humans are apes. On trial: is it right for ‘intelligent design’ to be taught alongside evolution?

The week at the Dana Centre AMERICA ON EVOLUTION The Dana Centre is right next to Imperial College’s South Ken campus. Go along if you want to see controversial issues in science discussed in a thought-provoking, “Evolution is as well-documented as any frank and often entertaining way phenomenon in science, as strongly as the Earth’s revolution around the Sun rather than Inquiries and bookings: vice versa. In this sense, we can call 020 7942 4040 evolution a fact” Or email [email protected] Stephen Jay Gould, Harvard paleontologist

Today: Thursday 12 May, 7pm “All the ills from which America suffers can be ‘Can you eat yourself healthy?’ traced back to the teaching of evolution” We all know that eating apples is an antidote to all ills, or is it broccoli? In Cancer Pre- Three time democratic candidate for the presidency, vention Week, join the Antenna science news team and a panel of experts to unravel William Jennings, 1925 how your fridge’s contents affect your health. “The monkey mythology of Darwin is the Stephen J Gould Tuesday 17 May, 7.30pm cause of permissiveness, promiscuity, pills, Punk Science: The Albert Einstein Experience prophylactics, perversions, abortion, Everyone knows that what Albert Einstein found out is really, really important. As pornotherapy, pollution, poisoning and featured in last term’s issue of I, Science. Find out what the fuss is all about... proliferation of crimes of all types” Judge Braswell Dean of the Georgia State Court Wednesday 18 May, 6.30pm of Appeals, 1981 Dinner@Dana Had a good day at work? Bit stressed? Well relax and join Café Scientifique for a deli- “I’d make it a goal to make sure that local folks cious dinner while Eric Brunner from University College London tells you more about got to make the decision as to whether or not how stress at work can affect your health they said creationism has been a part of our history” Thursday 19 May, 7pm George W Bush, Associated Press Is it you or I who should be in the asylum? People with severe personality disorders, such as schizophrenia, are often perceived “He doesn’t really care about that kind of thing” to be a danger to the public. But most are a danger to no-one, and some abnormali- Goerge W Bush’s views on evolution, according to a friend George W Bush ties in behaviour can lead to highly creative phases. So why do we lock them up? (NY Times, October 2000) Felix Thursday 12 May 2005 www.felixonline.co.uk 5

SCIENCE [email protected] Discrimination can lead to suicide A study at Imperial has suggested gays and lesbians suffer a higher risk of mental disorder due to discrimination. Sophie Hebden talked to the lead researcher and reports on the findings

Detectives were alerted to survey of its kind in the UK. turbance, irritability, worry Alan Turing’s ‘crime’ when he It involved over 2000 people, about physical health, depres- and his gay lover reported a just over half of whom were sive thoughts, general anxie- burglary in 1952. The father lesbian, gay or bisexual. ty, compulsive behaviour and of the modern computer and Warner and his colleagues obsessive thoughts. This is a Enigma code breaker was needed to find a sampling standard procedure to assess later charged with ‘gross inde- technique that would avoid mental health, termed the cency’ and given the choice of biasing the study, a particular- Clinical Interview Schedule prison or a year of oestrogen ly difficult issue when you are (CIS). They were also asked injections to neutralise his surveying a dispersed popula- to describe their sexual ori- libido. He chose the therapy, tion group. He explained the entation, indicating sexual and committed suicide a year recruitment techniques they attraction on a scale of 1 to later. used: “It’s easy to recruit 5, with 1 indicating attraction Yet although homosexual- LGB men and women in gay only to the opposite sex; 2, ity is no longer considered venues, but these people are mostly to the opposite sex; 3, a crime or mental illness, more comfortable with their both sexes equally, etc. bullying and harassment of sexuality than those who The survey found that 42% lesbians, gay men and bisex- don’t go out. So to avoid bias of the gay men, 43% of lesbi- ual (LGB) men and women we used a snowball sampling ans and 49% of bisexual men continues, and we have little method that works friendship and women had a clinically understanding of its effect on recognised mental health mental health. Now scientists “Gays, lesbians and problem, and nearly one third have discovered that physical bisexuals are at a had attempted suicide. and verbal abuse may be driv- Damage to property, per- ing some gays and lesbians to greater risk of mental sonal attacks or verbal insults suicide. disorder and deliberate in the last five years or insults New research at Imperial College reveals the damaging effects of discrimination against A recent survey published self-harm than and bullying at school were homosexuals by Imperial researchers into reported by 83%, two thirds the mental health of LGB peo- heterosexuals...” of whom attributed this dis- sexuality.” incidence of mental health reported are “disgraceful”. ple found that gay men and DR JAMES WARNER crimination to their sexual- None of the LGB counselling problems in LGB people for He says the study “reveals lesbians in the UK were 10% ity. Mental health problems groups that I contacted found many years. The fact that that there is a residue of more likely to have mental networks.” (high CIS scores) were linked the link between discrimina- only half of gay men are not extremely unpleasant homo- health problems than het- It works like this. The first to unemployment, conflict tion and mental illness sur- out to their GPs has implica- phobia around. We are, unfor- erosexuals. Most crucially, wave of people (group A) is between religious belief and prising. Allan Wardell, press tions on the health treatment tunately, still a long way from the link between abuse and recruited via posters in health sexuality, being under 40, officer for Stonewall, told Felix: that they are given.” Training being a society that is truly attempted suicide shows that clubs and public libraries, being attacked in the last five “Physical attacks on LGB for mental health profession- inclusive and is sensitive and homophobic attacks really adverts in the national, local years, being verbally assault- people and damage to prop- als should include increased respectful to those who are can damage people. and gay press, etc. Group A ed in the last five years and erty have severe implications awareness of the potential for different from the majority.’ Imperial psychiatrist Dr do the questionnaire and are having been bullied at school. for mental health. The study substance misuse and self- So can we accept people James Warner discussed his given five postcards to pass Out of the whole sample, 31% highlights the need for the harm in this group, he says. for who they are or not? Alan findings in his office at St on to friends who would be had attempted suicide. This police and Crown Prosecution The Imperial study finds rel- Turing was very open about Mary’s Hospital. He told Felix: prepared to take part: group was linked to discrimination Service to be aware of these evance beyond the police and his sexuality, and was perse- “Gays, lesbians and bisexuals B. No sexuality requirement and school bullying, but not issues and to take them seri- NHS: it has implications for cuted for it. As young gays are are at a greater risk of mental is made. Group B then nomi- higher CIS scores. ously. Lesbians, gay men and how all of society deals with increasingly open about their disorder and deliberate self- nates group C, and so on up Warner said: “The results bisexual men and women gay people. This is a group sexuality, we need a society harm than heterosexuals. We to group G. of this research show that need to be assured that the of people, one in 20 Brits, that can respect and accept think this may be caused by Participants completed a there is a likely link between police can be trusted to treat who have been oppressed for them. This study is a stark discrimination and having computer questionnaire with levels of discrimination and them fairly.” many years. reminder of what can happen been bullied at school.” questions about the mental an increased risk of mental He also spoke of the impor- The Right Rev Richard if we do not. This is the first study to health symptoms they had health problems. Of course tance that health profession- Harries, Bishop of Oxford, ● For confidential show the potential effect of experienced in the previ- it cannot be proven to be a als be fully aware of the spe- commented on the study’s student support discrimination on mental ous week, such as fatigue, causality, but many respond- cific needs of LGB people. findings, saying that the and advice: health and the biggest clinical memory problems, sleep dis- ents linked attacks with their He says: “We’ve seen a high high levels of discrimination www.nightline.org.uk The evolutionary biology of the female orgasm By Sarah Hogan max, he must be physically fit, and uterus contract, and the Biological sciences so the female can be assured position of the uterus tilts that any offspring will be slightly. These movements are It takes an average of 20 min- healthy. However, there are thought to direct the semen utes of concentrated effort no guarantees of healthy off- towards the uterus. This may to attain, but normally only spring, since we can all pass be the reason why women can lasts 30 seconds. It has been on faulty genes we’re not experience multiple orgasms. baffling inexperienced teen- aware we have. Interestingly, the after- age boys since the dawn of effects of an orgasm may time, but the female orgasm “A more likely reason be just as important as the has also puzzled evolutionary for female orgasms is climax itself. The feeling of biologists. exhaustion that follows such a The male orgasm is a brief incentive: she will be peak of pleasure encourages feeling of intense pleasure, more likely to have sex the female to stay lying still coupled with ejaculation of with her man again...” after sex, helping to retain the semen containing sperm with sperm inside her. the male’s DNA. It’s essential A more likely reason for These reasons all refer back when it comes to passing on female orgasms is incentive: to when we had caves, not those highly desirable genes. she will be more likely to have beds, and making babies was The female orgasm, however, sex with her man again if she our top priority. Now, how- seems unnecessary for mak- enjoys the experience, and so ever, it is not necessarily so. ing babies, but according to the chances of conception are There is another theory more some new theories it may be increased. in keeping with our times: a clever way of ensuring a girl There are also more practi- being able to make your part- gets what she wants out of cal explanations for this ener- ner feel amazing will make her man. getically costly experience. them less likely to stray, and If the male partner is capa- During orgasm, a woman’s more likely to want to return ble of making her reach a cli- pelvic muscles, vaginal walls the favour. Thanks to the Felix in-house model for kindly demonstrating Felix 6 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 12 May 2005

Comment [email protected] Rewards, regulations and redevelopment

Union Colours 2005 the summer holiday, so that they aim to retain a catered hall on cam- social provision, of which we cur- may be trained and in post for the STATE OF pus. We are now negotiating with rently have none in the evenings. Is there someone you want to recog- start of the new academic year. College over the position of evening It also needs to be sensitive to the nise for their contribution to student (Historically, we have elected many THE UNION meals in Sherfield, which is looking needs of an increasingly cosmopoli- life at Imperial? Perhaps someone positions at the start of the year.) positive. The College is determined tan student body, and telling stu- who has been a powerful advocate Together with the creation of the to open the café/shop on the ground dents in a hall of residence that for representing student views in post of Deputy President (Graduate floor of Linstead, which will now their only social space is a general your department? Or perhaps some- Students), this has necessitat- serve breakfast and weekend meals College bar just won’t cut it. one who has played an outstanding ed a look at our Constitution and (currently unavailable in Princes When friends from other universi- role in helping to run your club or Regulations. Gardens). ties visit, they often make the obser- society? In line with the Union Strategy As previously reported in Felix, vation that Southside is more of a The Union’s Colours and other agreed by Council, the Executive the Linstead first floor area will ‘traditional university bar’ than the awards are made annually to indi- have been developing proposals remain the private communal area Union’s. When I ask them what they viduals who have supported the that should make the Union more of the hall – consistent with all other mean, they talk of white, middle aims and objectives of the Union: accountable. At the heart of this Imperial College halls. I have been class students, many of whom are representation, student welfare, are two symbiotic proposals. The somewhat surprised to receive rep- winter team sports players. The fact clubs and societies and provision of first is to make the Union’s man- resentations from Southside aficio- is that in an ever-changing student services. Any person (including staff agement committees (especially the MUSTAFA ARIF nados that a new bar could equally demographic it becomes increas- or someone from outside College) Executive and the Student Activities UNION PRESIDENT have provided a social space for ingly difficult to provide social space may be nominated. Any full member Committee) more effective by giving the residents. This is simply not that appeals to everyone. of the Union (ie any student) may them appropriate responsibilities true. Look around you. How many That’s not to say that the Union send in a nomination. Nominations and reforming their memberships. meeting’ on Monday. Assuming all students are there on the South social facilities do much better – open today and close on 25 May. The second is to remove all Officers, is agreed, elections for a plethora Kensington campus? Do they all hence the motivation behind creat- Details are available on the web at except the Executive, from Council. of positions will start taking place use the bars? Of course not – we ing a redevelopment masterplan for www.union.ic.ac.uk/colours. The remaining places on Council shortly. only have capacity for about 10% of Beit. would be filled by elected represent- students. The Southside bar has a long and Governance changes… and atives from each faculty or depart- Linstead Hall and Southside There is a proportion of our stu- cherished history and will be sorely more elections! ment – so that there is a majority closure dent population who do not like or missed. The College does needs to of non-Officers who are able to hold feel comfortable socialising in bars. provide alternative social space, There has been consensus this the Officers to account. Much of my time has been occupied Moreover, most people don’t want to as well as improve what is left. year in the Union Executive that we The proposals should be discussed with the future of Linstead Hall. spend every night in a bar for lack However, it must be for the benefit need to elect the bulk of our offic- at Union Council tonight and then The position agreed by the Union of any other communal space. The of today’s student body as a whole, ers, Council and Executive, before hopefully passed at an ‘adjournment Executive has been that we should College needs to provide alternative not yesterday’s. Ankle-biters

When you thought about coming • Childcare Grant – If you have into higher education, you had to ADVICE SERVICE responsibility for a child under the take the following factors into con- age of 15 (or 17 if (s)he has special sideration: educational needs) and you use reg- • Where will I be living? istered or approved childcare, you • Can I afford it? may be able to apply for the child- • Have I made the right choice of care grant. course? • Lone Parents Grant – This is If you are now a student with chil- only available to students who dren, you have even more to think started their course before about: September 2001. It is not income • Does the university have childcare assessed but if you are eligible for facilities? this grant then you cannot claim the • Do they offer financial help for childcare grant. childcare? This is just a snapshot of the sup- • Are there any benefits accessible NIGEL COOKE port that is available and, as men- to single parents? STUDENT ADVISER tioned before, not everyone will eli- Being a student while you have gible for this help. children can be a real challenge, but If you are a student parent and your ambitions should not be held children. However, there is a long would like more information on both back just because you have started waiting list. the Early Years Education Centre a family. Students with children may be eli- and student parent benefits, please Some institutions do not offer gible for some benefits. If you meet do not hesitate to contact The childcare facilities at all. This is the criteria, you may well be eligible Information And Advice Centre on often an issue upon which students’ for the following: 020 7594 8067 or [email protected]. unions campaign. • Parents Learning Allowance Pop in and see us in the east wing At Imperial, a childcare facility is – This is intended to help cover your basement of Beit Quad, and you may provided at Princes Gardens for the course related costs. How much you even get a cup of tea! children of both staff and students. get depends on your income and Don’t let your concern turn into It caters for babies and children that of your partner or spouse if you a crisis. Make the Information and aged from six months to five years, have one. The maximum entitle- Advice Centre your first choice for and can accommodate around 54 ment is £1,300. all your welfare needs.

Editorial comment and the Felix interview will return next week Felix Thursday 12 May 2005 www.felixonline.co.uk 7

COMMENT [email protected] The joy of... 24-hour libraries

As most of you have probably real- revision period, there have been a One of the worst complaints is do the decent thing and let oth- ised, the dreaded exam season has number of consistent complaints. UNCLE SAM regarding the lack of space, par- ers use the space. Apart from the hit Imperial College once again. To There has been call for better ticularly when other users are issue of basic courtesy, some people many, that will mean lack of sleep, ventilation, as a continuous stream “reserving’ desks with their bags appear to be quite careless with too much caffeine, and a growing of hard-working students takes its and books. At some points, only two valuable belongings. The library is realisation that it might have been toll on air quality. The library has thirds of spaces are being actively not your home, and it’s not a good a good idea to work a little harder acknowledged this and is currently used, but there are none available, idea to leave your laptop or iPod throughout the year. When they asking the College for more money since the others are being reserved. unattended. told you in October that this year to enable it to address the problem The library has tried to combat this I’m sorry if this sounds like a rant was going to be hard, they actually properly over the next couple of problem by asking users to remove – I suppose it is – but some people meant it! years. their belongings when they are are getting quite fed up. I quote the This year and last, the summer Secondly, there is a lack of going to be absent for extended comments of one library user on term has also meant round-the- refreshments. The library pro- periods, but this has had limited a feedback form: “I arrive in the clock access to the central library, vides some vending machines in success and there is not sufficient library at 8-9am and leave at 11pm thanks to the Union lobbying the the Haldane Collection on level 1 staff to ‘police’ the library over- and I can never get an individual library service on behalf of the stu- (where consuming some food and SAM RORKE night. table by the window... because they dent body. drink allowed), but this is limited DEPUTY PRESIDENT On behalf of other library users, leave their stuff overnight.” Whilst the extended service has by space. There are also vending I would like to ask you to be con- If you do have any feedback been highly praised, and appreci- machines in the Junior Common (EDUCATION & WELFARE) siderate and sensible – of course, about the library, please contact ated by students who value the Room, and the Union’s catering it is reasonable to leave your desk [email protected] or fill in a added flexibility of being able to use service in Beit Quad is still the only meals until 8.30pm (and later on for an hour to get lunch, but if you feedback form in the library. the library at any point during the place on campus to get decent hot Wednesday and Friday evenings). are going be gone all night, please Best of luck with your exams! Redeveloping your Union building

We hope that last week’s centre company Swanke Hayden Connell not show what will happen to the is done the process will then be to page spread will have whetted were chosen, as they understood Union building but are the initial expand on these ideas, with the help your appetites with the informa- best the issues facing our students drawings from the architects which of user groups for each of the differ- tion about the redevelopment of and the Union building and were they used in the tendering process. ent areas. In October the architects the Union Building in Beit Quad, keen to interact with the students They were given to show their ideas, will give more detailed proposals despite the project still being in its throughout the process. spark discussions and generate of how each of the different areas early stages. Following on from this, during the thoughts in preparation to receiving of the building will be used. These As mentioned last week, your Easter holidays a working group student feedback and development will be publicised and you will be views were first gathered during (made up of Sabbatical Officers, of the actual brief for the building. consulted again for feedback. From the surveys and focus groups held Executive Committee members SAMEENA MISBAHUDDIN Focus groups will be held with stu- then until January, the designs for in the autumn term for the Strategic and House Committee members) DEPUTY PRESIDENT dents to discuss the building and the building will be worked into the Review. Then in the spring term the have been meeting regularly with how best it can be redeveloped to final masterplan. tendering process for choosing the the Architects about this project, (FINANCE & SERVICES) reach its potential in serving the Do have a look at the Union architects was undertaken, where discussing the current uses of the & RICHARD WALKER Union’s students. website; it is intended as an ongo- three architectural companies were building, the problems facing users In June, with all the information ing source of information about the given the opportunity to compete and oversight of the process. The DEPUTY PRESIDENT that the architects have gathered, project so that you can keep up for the job of developing a master- architects have also been looking at (CLUBS & SOCIETIES) they will propose a brief for the to date. You can reach it via www. plan for the Union Building. Having the structural issues that affect the building to the Union Council, which union.ic.ac.uk and give your feed- given their presentations to show building to determine what can and Last week’s pullout showed suggests what different areas of the back ([email protected]). why they should be selected, the can’t be done. sketched design. The pictures did building will be used for. Once this ● Letters to the Editor, page 8 Judgment day for Babar Ahmad

On Tuesday 17 May, the case of Following his re-arrest on 5 August exemplified by the victory of George not going without a fight. But if the Babar Ahmad looks set to reach its 2004, Babar has now been impris- Galloway for the Respect Party in judge rules against the extradition close, 18 months after events start- oned for 6668 hours. He is awaiting Bethnal Green and Bow. Labour’s request, then there is a very real ed to unfold. The case is not only a decision on whether he will be majority was slashed across the possibility that Babar will walk free a terrifying and tragic experience extradited to the US. The extra- board. Babar himself stood from into crowds of his supporters. And for Babar, his family and friends, dition request is based on weak behind bars in Brent North and what a glorious sight that would be. but also represents a fundamental evidence similar to that which led received a very respectable 685 attack on all our rights and civil lib- to his release after his first arrest, votes. The campaign to free Babar Make Poverty History erties and is an example of so-called except now the new extradition law is gathering momentum – each British ‘justice’. means that Babar’s defence cannot demonstration is bigger and better The Make Poverty History (MPH) The ordeal started with Babar’s challenge this. They are merely able than the last. campaign, mentioned in the first arrest in December 2003, an arrest to argue that Babar should be tried We have to remember that the issue of Felix this term, was suc- for which there was so little evi- in Britain as he would’t face a fair COLIN SMITH judge, however much tied to the cessfully launched on Monday at a dence to back up the outrageous trial in the US. establishment, is just one individual very well attended meeting. Those claims of Babar being ‘Osama Bin With talk of torture, execution, WELFARE CAMPAIGNS who does not want to make the in attendance heard speakers Laden’s London General’ that he Guantanamo Bay and a highly OFFICER wrong decision. If Babar gets extra- from Christian Aid, The Guardian, was released without charge after islamophobic post-September 11 dited, and in years to come the Globalise Resistance and the NUS a week of interrogation. US legal system, his defence cer- absurdity of that decision is high- talk about the importance of dem- There is, however, extremely tainly have a strong case. But I their ‘war of terror’. Of course, all lighted, his career will be ruined. onstrating at the G8 and putting strong evidence pointing to quite think we have to question, given persons making decisions (like the The mass demonstrations outside pressure on the leaders of the eight serious abuse (including life threat- the way Babar’s case has unfolded, one made to recently shut down court and continued high profile richest nations of the world, whose ening injuries) inflicted on Babar whether he is likely to get fair treat- Babar’s HSBC bank account with- campaign can tip the balance here. political agendas result in the status by the arresting officers whilst held ment from the British legal system. out justification or warning, from With this in mind, once again (and quo of global poverty. in his cell. However, the only police If there is indeed no new evidence which he was paying his elderly possibly for the last time) Babar’s The next stage of this campaign officer charged with use of exces- obtained since December 2003, parents’ bills through direct debit) friends, family and supporters have is to take a motion supporting MPH sive force was recently acquitted by then we should be demanding not ‘a are connected to the establishment. called for everyone to be outside to Union Council. That will be done the supposedly ‘Independent’ Police fair British trial’ but his immediate But this is also an establishment Bow Magistrates Court, Covent this evening. Anyone in support of Complaints Commission, who ludi- release if the extradition request is that is now on the retreat. We saw Garden, at 10am on Thursday 17 this motion (which can be viewed crously claimed that the officer not granted. in the general election how Tony May. at www.union.ic.ac.uk/meetings/ concerned acted “professionally This is the prospect that we face Blair’s New Labour was punished, If the decision goes against us council/2005/5/12) is requested to with great bravery. We support his on 17 May. Of course, Babar is just largely for the war on terror, both and judge agrees to the extradition, join us at Council. We are meeting actions: he should be commended one man against the US and British abroad in Iraq and at home over then we need to be there in our beforehand, at 6pm in the JCR, to and not castigated.” governments’ political agendas and civil liberties. This was most notably hundreds to let the world know he is discuss it. Felix 8 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 12 May 2005

COMMENT [email protected]

I, we, the Union will create a better it comes from; it would be selfish this exam season, but while I’m place for us all. and unfair to the opposite sex, i am sitting here slowly trying to reha- afraid these are the rules. Being bilitate myself off caffeine, it has Letters to attractive is not an achievement, occurred to me how many things Kicking up a Stormy curing cancer is. pissed me off during the exam ses- sions. In an effort to ensure anyone Dear Ed, Regards, with exams left to go do not have to the Editor Name and department supplied face these annoyances, I have made I was slightly disturbed by Stormy a list of rules people should have Woods’ article this week. While I to read and abide to and preferably The Union building of indebted students turning to hob- appreciate that she might not be Stormy Woods replies: should be put at the back of every bies and sport instead of drinking short of attention in recent times, Thank you for taking the time course book. A letter to the Editor; to enjoy themselves outside of lec- is there any particular reason why to write in. My column is apoliti- tures, it strikes me that this course she goes out of her way to type- cal, with much irreverence thrown Invigilators: I hope that the ICU rebranding of action in the Union building is cast the gentleman accosting her on in for entertainment’s sake. Hence, • DON’T walk up and down the pullout was some kind of sick joke. highly risky. He insisted to me that the bus as a ‘geriatric arab illegal election day did not spring to mind stairs un-necessarily: The stairs to Such horrendous marketoid drivel the Union would be able to pay for immigrant’? And no less on voting when I wrote the piece. I’m confi- the stage in the Great Hall are an – “Tertiary Vertical Circulation” – extra space in the new Sports Centre day! While she herself might not dent that most Imperial students inadequate metal arrangement that should have no place in a student for Clubs – but I’m not sure how. The care much for the political parties’ would have the intelligence to vote squeaks hideously. You know this, run union, and I feel is indicative of subsidy that the Union gives Clubs attitudes towards immigration, her on policies from the parties them- I know this, so think twice when its descent into institutionalised CV- fell last year. insta-judgement of the average mid- selves, not the politically incorrect deciding if it’s truly necessary to priming self-service. If you need facilities in the Union dle-eastern man in the street being rantings of an enfant terrible! use them. If the union truly want to consult that are under threat of demolition, past their 50’s and possessing no First thing’s first: my perfectly- • DON’T wear tap shoes: If you the student populace, they should write to them and tell them! If you’re right of abode in the UK leaves me tanned hairless pins, and the preju- have to pace up and down the hall in start by declaring how much has in the Fencing club, unsheath your questioning why so many foreign- dice displayed by the pair of you boredom, at least wear trainers or already been spent on architect’s pens and let them know! If you play ers would want to come here in the when reading about them. It is soft soled shoes. This is not a time briefs, and explaining exactly where snooker, leave your balls on the table first place, at least in their home perfectly possible to display one’s for your highly individual wooden the funding for such future develop- and break theirs for once! If you countries they aren’t lambasted and assets without appearing slattern- sandals/leather flat shoes that your ments will be coming from. practice any sort of martial art (and stereotyped in such a dismissive ly. I should know, being the owner research group find so amusing For the union to prosper, I feel I hear a lot of it going on these days!) way! of several knee-length Prada skirts, (sigh). what is required is a greater degree it’s time to apply self-defence to the There are more appealing ways as worn on the day of the presenta- • DO make sure you’re paying atten- of student involvement, rather than venue you use, not just your own to try and emulate the Sex and tion. I’d like to point out that three- tion: It is not difficult to see a hand in a ‘rebranding’ exercise & contin- bodies! the City-esque columns that she is inch heeled fifties pumps – more a group of hunched students. When ued decay into a business-consumer undoubtedly aiming for and from specifically, worn with tights and you see one, at least try to make relationship. By the students & for [email protected] what I gather Stormy’s plans are said skirt – aren’t automatically some semblance of haste in your the students, not by a consultant to to venture into the medical profes- becoming of unwanted attention efforts. In addition, I’d like to point screw as much money out of the stu- Good Luck! sion. She would do well to learn either. Especially when worn with out another fact, ignoring bathroom dents to pay for more consultants! Tom Tibbits some manners and tact to go with a high neckline, tasteful jewellery, breaks, if students put their hands The idea of somehow squeezing Physics PG her ‘perfectly tanned hairless pins’ no cleavage and a natural sun- up, they generally want one of three the gym into the clearly diminutive (I’ll have to take her word on this kissed glow, courtesy of MAC. Do things: To know the time, more east basement is obscene, and no as I haven’t had the opportunity to the words pot, kettle and stereotype paper, paper fasteners (and possibly extent of buying colour coded chairs Richard Walker, Deputy President see for myself) before being allowed have any relevance to you? doughnuts), can invigilators please & glass topped wine bars will make (Clubs and Societies), responds: to see patients, or is she going to I’m perfectly aware of the per- make sure they are in possession of up for it. The Union building redevelop- pick and choose who she sees and ils and pitfalls of typecasting and these things when they go to inves- ment project is one of the most treats and see that as acceptable ethnicity. Believe me, I’ve had my tigate hands. Yours, exciting projects that I have been practice?? share. However, numerous women • DO put up seat allocations sen- Jarvist Frost involved in during my time as I’ve enjoyed some of Stormy’s col- at College have had problems with sibly: Physics III Deputy President. Following the umns, and I’ve disagreed with some; gentlemen similar to the chap I When revising, it is not possible to development of the Union strategy but this one I feel has pushed the rejected on the bus, most notably remember your candidate number that cemented the core objectives boat too far. It’s not big, it’s not cool those who reside in North Fulham or seat location, fact. May I suggest Dear Felix, of what our Union should strive to and to be honest it’s not right to and Edgware Road, on an almost therefore, that putting the list direct- achieve, it is an important step to judge people the way she has. As for daily basis. To put it bluntly, these ly beside the door to the hall is a bad Your double page spread in last edi- look at redeveloping the inside of the cat getting the cream, perhaps men are relatively uncouth and of idea? Just a few meters further back tion 1321 on the future of the Union the Union building, one of the finest it was the only way to stop her from Middle Eastern or North African would save many crushed feet. building included plans (which were on campus, into one that can facili- making another self-centred, tact- origin. I wouldn’t have an aver- • DO ensure tables don’t wob- difficult to read) for each floor in the tate those objectives. less comment. sion their existence if they kept ble: Why is this sooooo difficult, Union building. It was students that decided themselves to themselves, like simi- WWHHHYYY???? The function of What surprised me about the how much should be spent on this Regards, lar men of different ethnic origins a table is to create a stable level plans was the indication that the design project, it was students that Tim Aplin tend to do. Being of foreign origin surface, and none of them do this. I Union Gym, which is currently decided its scope and it is students Aeronautics IV myself, it’s evident I’d have seen can only assume table sellers have used by many and diverse Clubs that are managing the project and the diverse social strata within my a powerful union and are headed and Societies looks as though it will students that are constructing the ethnic group and others – living in by a very evil sadistic man, maybe be replaced with Union offices. So brief and prioritising what is best Dear Editor, London means that I would have Michael Howard. where will all the Clubs that cur- for students. seen affluent Arabs with their beau- rently use the Gym go when the What I, we, the Union are about In reply to this week’s issue of Felix, tiful wives aplenty, so insta-judge- Students: Union Gym is used to house all the to create is a Union building that I’d like to express my disappoint- ment of those from other cultures • DON’T stop to talk in a stupid computers Mr Arif needs for his has at its heart clubs and societies ment at Ms Woods’ lack of tact in a with foreign accents is a non-issue. place: Why do certain people have electronic ballots? and social space that will become a time where immigration and racial I agree that the illegal immigrant a compulsion to stop and talk the Into the newly built Sports Centre place where students can balance prejudice are sensitive topics. assertion is unfair – I got carried very second they leave the exam at commercial rates? I understand their academic work life with their First of all unless a document was away with the public perception hall? THERE ARE HUNDREDS OF that the Sports Centre has a strict outside life. presented by the man in question that the nastier element amongst PEOPLE BEHIND YOU trying to mandate to make money out of pro- When there are huge demands during Ms Woods’ 30 seconds of foreginers in the UK must auto- get out of the tiny doors. You are no viding services to the wider com- on space in area such as South fame – and i doubt it – stating he was matically be illegally present, and better to me than the idiot mothers munity, as well as the students at Kensington I, we, the Union must and i quote “an illegal immigrant” i apologise for castigating them so with prams that stop to talk in the Imperial, and needs to allocate time use what we have with great care. believe it’s a borderline-racist and hastily. middle of busy pavements. Pah. during the week to be able to do this, We have a responsibility to each tactless comment to make particu- I would like to conclude by telling • DON’T sigh contentently when penalising student usage. other not to be wasteful. Relocating larly when it coincides with election you that doctors aren’t infallible. you have finished: I haven’t, and it But why do we need Union offices office space and student service time. We are human first, medics second. makes me want to throw things. moved from their present location space to work next to each other I would expect better from a future The same goes for the unwashed • DO dress sensibly: Girls for exam- on level 1 to occupy twice the floor allows us not only to share space, doctor studying at a respected uni- gentleman on the bus – should he ple, you are rubbish and your blad- space on levels 2 and 3? The answer but to work together and involve versity. Having a foreign accent pay me a visit as a patient, where ders are weak, accept this and wear in the plans is that there will be more students. Relocating gym doesn’t mean you are an illegal I am confident, he would take a trainers not heels, this will signifi- another bar built on level 1. So four hall activity to a single height area immigrant and cannot afford a plane different tack. There isn’t a single cantly reduce walking noise during food/drink outlets in one building, which allows the same activity to ticket to visit London or any other person who doesn’t harbour preju- your toilet breaks. Guys, this may instead of three, to displace a sport- continue without detriment allows city in the world for that matter. dices; what separates bigots from be a personal annoyance, but don’t ing asset, the Gym. us to extend mezzanine levels to From a woman’s point of view, it’s the rest is their failure to suppress cover yourself in lynx deodorant the Unusually, the President is reti- create added floor space for more true that some men (regardless theirs. morning before. You are not 13 and cent about how this could have student activity. of their nationality) have a rather apart from trying to ignore the smell, happened, after a motion passed I am proud of the passion that unsubtle and unattractive way of I worry that if my table rocks again a in December by the Union Council Imperial students have for their showing interest, i have had my Alternative exam rules spark may cause an explosion. expressly ruled out the loss of the Union and I am humbled to be a share! However, advertising perfect- Right, rant over and good luck Union Gym as a facility for students. part of it. I have listened to your ly tanned legs in a skirt and three Dear Editor, everyone, With the Southside Gym about to comments and I urge you to keep inch heels calls out for attention shut, and ever increasing numbers them coming and I hope that then but a woman cannot choose where Fortunately, my finals were early Sebwin

Send your letters to [email protected] by 10pm Monday. Letters may be edited for length but not for spelling or grammar, and are printed at the Editor’s discretion Felix Thursday 12 May 2005 www.felixonline.co.uk 9

Columns [email protected] The Neighbours generation tant to maintain our economy in its that they are also saddled with a cian, you’ll know that these guys are the opportunity to move out of present happy state and university massive debts. I wonder how many (there are virtually no women) are home and live with your friends, educated people generally contrib- of these people agree with the 50% in intense demand. There is a great and the ‘debaucherous lifestyle’ it ute more to it. But how many highly target. shortage of key skilled workers in brings. Conversely, apprentices gen- educated people does the country If a university education were the UK, but in schools pupils are erally stay at home, splitting their actually need? restricted to those undertaking rele- generally not informed of the other time between formal learning and The arbitrary target is just that vant and useful degrees, there would options, such as apprenticeships. on-the-job training with people many – arbitrary. There are no targets for not be the need for the introduction The shortage of tradesmen has years their senior. individual subjects. There is a differ- of top-up fees. lead to an influx of highly skilled This may lead to apprentices ence between chemical engineer- It is my opinion that the govern- Eastern European labourers. In line believing they are missing out on the ing or economics and surf science ment is only keen on increasing uni- with the rules of supply and demand, social benefits provided by univer- or tennis. How do these so-called versity intakes because it reduces getting a leaky boiler fixed is now a sity. To solve this problem, I propose by RUPERT NEATE ‘Mickey Mouse’ courses contribute unemployment figures. serious financial outlay. The earning residential trade-skill ‘universities’, to the economy? Also, I know the I am not arguing that people potential of the trades has led numer- where students can learn useful Why is the government so media is playing an ever-increasing should be prevented from going to ous professionally trained people to profitable skills and enjoy the ben- keen on the arbitrary target role in our society, but how many university – it is a fantastic opportu- make the switch, notably the doctor efits of living away from home. of getting 50% of school leav- media studies graduates does the nity and we are privileged to be here. who retrained as a plumber. ers to attend University? country really need? It is marvellous that more people If it is common knowledge that Dr Karl Currently over 40% of people go to have the chance to go to university, there is money to made being a Blair et al state that more people university, many of whom can’t find and the door should remain open to tradesman, and the job prospects of The President has not responded need to be educated to university a graduate level job. So after years everyone. university graduates are continuing with regard to why Dr Karl Kennedy level so that the UK can maintain of toil, they are in the same position But university is not the only to decline, why aren’t more school- (Alan Fletcher) is appearing at Royal its position as the world’s fourth big- they were in before they went to option. If you have ever had to call leavers starting apprenticeships? Holloway Union and not Imperial gest economy. Obviously, it is impor- university, the only difference being out a plumber, carpenter or electri- The main attractions of university College Union. Analyse them

get drunk every Wednesday at the and fanta) and down them with surfing. one knows how to play or that they Union (unless you join the Keraaazy their badminton, ultimate frisbee or • The teen movie girls – I can’t even exist, such as golf, fencing or Archery Club or the Table Tennis squash mates. imagine a changing room crowded cricket. Gangstas). • The losers – they love their sport, with naked women without at least Personalities apart, there is anoth- Sports clubs provide a great envi- even though they suck and their one lesbian fantasy coming to mind. er parallel universe in sports teams ronment in which to analyse the dif- team languishes at the bottom of Come on! If I were female and next at Imperial: the medics. ferent personalities within Imperial the league. to all these fit and athletic ladies, I could write a whole column College, of which I highlight the • The drunks – members of all I wouldn’t even think twice! I don’t bitching about them! They think they following: clubs (except table tennis, archery know if that’s the result of all the are so much better than the mere • The arseholes – they were born and badminton), their main objec- porn I’ve seen since the age of 12 mortals like engineers or scientists for sports. Football flows in their tive is to destroy their livers before but, please don’t take this dream that they have to have their own by DIOGO GERALDES veins (unfortunately, I can’t say the they graduate, so that they won’t away from me! teams: no mixing allowed! Maybe same about intelligence), rugby all have to worry about finding a job. • The fat smoking bastards – they it’s the fact that they can’t stand the over their skin and hockey on their They usually spend their after- know they are fat and lazy, but in idea of getting the shit kicked out Universities in this country love wrists. They are professional scor- noons/evenings/mornings drinking order to feel less guilty, they play of them (like I will, after the sports to give their students the opportuni- ing/tackling/dribbling machines, but pitchers and playing drinking games one of those not-having-to-move- teams read this article) by lousy ty to divert their attention from their it’s a shame that they can’t tie their (such as the famous ‘drinking a shot their-arse ‘sports’, such as darts, non-divine people. Whatever floats work (in your case) or from club- own shoe laces or go shopping to every time someone in the room snooker or table football. their boat... bing and girls (in mine). In order to Sainsbury’s without confusing £13.50 breathes’). • The useless wannabes – like My point this week: joining a sports prevent students from passing the with £13,500. • The stoners – they love nature fungi, they are everywhere and you team is always good because, even if year, students’ unions create sports • The geeks – they are nerds and and feeling all the sensations can’t get rid of them! Usually they you suck, it improves your social teams. they know it, but they try to dis- of the world (and spending their end up in the fifth team licking the skills and maybe your biceps and People join a sports team because: guise it by joining a cool sports food budget on drugs). So they join coach’s arse. abs too. It’s always better spend- a) they like playing sports; b) it’s team, crowded with hardcore party clubs where they can either be in • The rich boys – they are crap ing a Wednesday afternoon rubbing cool and they think they’re going animals. They love to spend their altered states of mind (kendo, tai- at everything they do, but as they your face in a puddle of mud or to pull more chicks (instead of the pocket money on cranberry juice chi, karate, yoga or origami) or in were born with a golden spoon in someone’s sweaty, smelly or sexy usual 0 girls per year, their aver- to do sick mixes like ‘stroking the direct contact with God’s touch and their mouth they can afford the best armpit, than laying in front of the TV age raises to an astonishing 0.43); salami on the beach’ (cranberry and write poetry about what they see kit. They usually play really exclu- and bloating your belly. c) they provide the opportunity to orange juice) or ‘bubbly fizzle’ (coke while rock climbing, canoeing or sive and expensive sports that no- Let’s get physical. One hundred reasons any more, and so have swapped especially Raymond, as no-one one most hated comedian in the to up the national birth rate – noth- place with them. Now Channel 4 is loves Raymond. At least no-one with south of Wales? Does it matter? ing good on TV leads to more sex the place to scour for poor quality a modicum of self-respect. Obviously the national hatred of a through sheer boredom. porn, and Five is the place to go for The only good Top 100... show was smug bastard is always good, but Hang on... that’s a bloody good interesting documentaries on things in fact the last one, which was all we’ve got Damien Rice for that. reason to watch Channel 4... I’ll get like the ‘the boy whose skin fell off about cartoons. This is because you And who votes for these things so bored that even I will have sex. and was eaten by naughty teenag- don’t get to watch your favourite anyway? I bet it’s the same bored The plan can’t fail. And you say they ers’. Which is always a draw. And cartoons all that often – when was housewives that appear on Trisha just have loads of random porn on it? bloody FilmFour nicked all the good the last time you watched Dungeons for guidance from the Morality Why haven’t I seen this before? Real movies whilst no-one was watching. and Dragons? All 100 were much- Queen, and therefore these polls boobs, you say? Be right back... Bastards. loved classics, and it was nice to see are truly representative. Is this lack Bloody hell. That was pretty good, What have Channel 4 replaced the them again. The rubbish ‘celebri- of good TV just because the produc- until I had to vote for my favourite by TRISTAN LANE hard-hitting dramas and documenta- ties’ that intone on them could have ers have become so damn lazy that breast moment. £1 for a one second ries with? Will & Grace, Everybody been lost, or preferably shot. But repeating the same four-hour show clip of Jodie Marsh doesn’t make So Channel 4 has finally given up Loves Raymond and The Top 100 other than this one ‘gem’, the rest every week for eternity seems a my bank manager happy. Besides, the fight. They know they’ll never Best Shows That Cause Internal are bollocks. Why do I care whether good idea? Or is it an edgy social I voted for Britney – how was I to beat Five for sheer cultural value Haemorrhage. All of these are crap, or not Jimmy Carr is the number experiment? Maybe they’re trying know she wasn’t on the poll? Felix 10 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 12 May 2005

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After picking up the oth- and sorry for ourselves until told us that we could only be ers and the kit, we decided he returned. on the river between 10am to head back south towards As it was already very late and 6pm. It’s not going to take the put-in for the Rizzanese. and dark, we opted for the that long, I told myself... how Canoeists Unfortunately, it was dark by same camping spot as the wrong I was. the time we got there, and previous night. Something The river was full of loads much faff was had trying easier tomorrow please. of amazing pool drops that to find a suitable camping were either run or portaged venue. Tents were eventually Sunday 27 March – fairly easily. This, however, set up and more pasta and Fium Orbo (by Jim) was the exception to the rule. cheap wine consumed before A set of rapids were decided tour After a couple of hours’ driv- to be “not worth it”, but I we dozed off to dreams of 10m waterfalls... ing whilst getting severely wished I had paddled them dripped on, we reached the now. The portage consisted Saturday 26 March – Fium Orbo, where the weath- of trying to drag the boats Rizzanese (by Ralph) er chose to brighten up con- over 45 degree smooth rocks, siderably. After checking the which was a nightmare task. Corsica After our pleasant day on the gauge about 0.5km up and However, after much effort, Taravo, we were looking for- deciding the level was decent, we got back in and carried on started to sort stuff out. tage on river right. The rest ward to something more on we pulled up at the closed down. We then came to the CANOE CLUB Eventually the others arose of the river proved great fun. the Rizzanese – more excite- café halfway up the river to crux of the river, the reason I and we breakfasted on A river-wide stopper greeted ment, bigger drops, steeper be met by a minibus full of was so excited about Corsica By Jim Pullen, Ralph French bread and cheese us at one point. We sent the creeking. We found it. French paddlers in full face – the amphitheatre falls. Evins, Patrick Clissold before loading the car back probe through it and watched Everyone successfully tack- helmets. Chad decided he The photographs were of and Chad Sankey up and heading to the put-in. him being forced to roll, so led the first rapid, following was having a rest and would picture perfect smooth falls The warm-up rapid was the rest of us opted to walk the overeager probe. After an meet us at the bottom. over smooth bedrock in a Thursday 24 March – fine for Patrick and me, only round. exciting kilometre, we got to a We got on to discover a love- breathtaking rock amphithea- the journey to be followed by an upside- Chad managed to ‘swim’ a nasty 6m fall with rocks in the ly continuous pool-drop river tre-like gorge. The inspection down, pretty miffed looking couple more times, and I was bottom. Everyone instantly and soon caught up with the was difficult and the water The journey to Corsica was Chad. Ralph bobbed round just thinking I’d got away with decided to walk around it. French group. They seemed was higher than I had seen far from straightforward. As the corner wondering what it when the river-gods decid- Patrick ran a 2m fall sideways to want to inspect everything in the photos. The first drop a cost-saving exercise we was going on as we reunited ed to punish me. Upon fol- having mucked up the entry and after about a kilometre looked easy enough, but the flew the boats and ourselves Chad with his kit – oh well. lowing Patrick down a series rapid, and surfaced partly in of using them as probes, we larger second one could not to Alghero in Sardinia using We paddled on down the of rapids, he decided to wave the cave behind the fall. A got bored and overtook them. be seen easily. We all ran the very cheap Ryanair tickets. river and were beginning to me past for the final “innocu- good ‘Duracell bunny’ impres- About halfway down we came first drop and managed to get We hired a far-too-small Ford wonder whether it would get ous-looking” little drop. I got sion got him clear. More across a 2m drop that had out to look more carefully at Focus and stuffed it with kit, any more interesting when cocky and launched over the pool-drop madness followed a dodgy looking siphon, so the second drop. At that point, loading the boats onto an we rounded a corner to top of a rock to be welcomed – Chad proved that throwing went for the portage river another group of paddlers inflatable roofrack. We then see something that needed by a munchy little hole that people in at the deep end gets left. This required an excel- arrived. Their big creek boats bombed across the top of inspecting. The river diverged decided to play with me. After results. We portaged another lent 3m seal-launch back into and full-faced helmets meant Sardinia and caught a ferry into three channels, with only several sessions of sky/river- 6m fall, then found ourselves the river. they had to be German. I was over to Bonifacio in Corsica. the right being inspectable bed antics and about five rolls, at the main event, a 2m, 10m, Another interesting rapid proved correct and the leader We decided our warm-up from the bank. The extreme I ended up against a rockface 3m combination of falls. followed, requiring a seal- ran the second drop without river would be the Taravo. We left looked pretty evil and you and decided this play-boating Patrick and I had talked a launch past the start on river even getting out of his boat got near to the put-in around couldn’t really see the middle gubbins wasn’t for the likes of lot about how high 10m actu- right. Patrick managed this to have a look. This was all dusk and followed the road channel. me and made a technical exit. ally was, including scaring fine, but upon landing I decid- the convincing I needed, and until we eventually found a Both the middle and right Very annoying. Jim’s missus and my mum by ed my helmet hadn’t been suf- I quickly jumped in my boat decent camping spot to set slots were hardly more than After being reunited with likening it to a second floor ficiently tested yet, so opted and copied exactly what he up. After failing to get one a boat width across, about my kit, we headed on down the window in Beit. Well, 10m is to do the rapid upside down, did. The others opted for the of the cookers working, we 10m long and ended in a 1.5m remainder of the river. The very big. We might have con- rolling up at the bottom – oh portage. cooked our pasta dish on a drop. We decided to give it a road bridge soon appeared sidered it, had the levels not well. At this point we realised the single ring. We settled down go with Patrick being used as and I removed my wet kit, been high. As it was, no one We carried on down to just time and exactly how much fairly early after a few mugs the probe while we acted as left the others and headed felt brave/stupid enough for before the gauge, where the river we had left to do. After of cheap red plonk with bank support/film crew. He up the road for the shuttle. this, and we began a mas- leaky boat and nasty look- discussion, we decided to thoughts of tomorrow’s pad- ran it without hassle and eve- Eventually some local farm- sive portage. It took nearly ing rapid made me decide keep on going. Another ardu- dling strong in our minds. ryone else then went in turn er-types picked me up in their an hour. it was time to exit. Patrick ous portage around the killer with no problems. The fun standard issue Toyota pick-up Just when we thought noth- opted to run this one, which rapid followed. We were all Friday 25 March – had started in earnest! and were kind enough to run ing more interesting would consisted of a double drop very tired but no end was in Taravo (by Jim) Our next obstacle was a me to the car after pretend- happen, Chad provided some that flushed into a cliff-face. sight and we had to keep on sweeping turn that looked ing to understand my pidgin action. One section had a cou- For some reason he thought going. What happened next is I awoke first, got up and pretty nasty. We chose to por- French. ple of trees two-thirds of the that the second drop was best probably one of the most odd way across. Everyone else attempted upside-down, and situations I have had in my made it around them, but literally ended up climbing kayaking career Chad managed to capsize on the wall to get out of an awk- An easy boulder garden led the rapid, rolling up just in ward situation! into a chunkier rapid around time to fight his way through Chad had found us by this a bend. I, for some reason, the branches of the first tree, time, and we hauled the decided to go upside down in only to be hit in the chest by boats back up to the road and the easy bit and my paddles the trunk of the second. I’d then went to recover the car. were ripped from my hands. eddied out just downstream, Once we were back on the I hand-rolled up and man- and lost no time in getting road again, we headed south aged to get myself into the onto the bank with a throw- towards the Travo. After get- smallest of eddies which I line. Luckily Chad was simply ting the tents up with much could only stay in by holding wedged on the surface, not bending of pegs, we cooked onto the rocks. My paddles stuck against the bottom, so dinner, made a dent in the floated down the rapid but was able to pull his deck and whisky and attempted boat were luckily caught by our let his boat depart without repair – Blue Peter style! good friends the Germans. him. I roped him to the side Eventually we went to sleep There was, however, no pos- and sent him off to find his knowing that the following sible way of getting them to boat, considering bringing a day we would be paddling the me. In the end I had to try chainsaw on our next creek- most famous (or infamous) to cross the river with just ing mission. river in Corsica – the Travo. my hands as paddles. This We continued for what proved unsuccessful and I felt like many miles, every Monday 28 March – was washed quickly towards so often shouting “Ou est la Travo (by Patrick) the oncoming chunky rapid. f**king pont?!” Eventually, Desperation led to Ralph to much rejoicing, “la pont” I had seen this river from the throwing my paddles, using appeared. We sent Jim off to road the day before and got the best javelin technique I run/hitch the 14km shuttle, quite excited. We parked the have ever seen, straight into Chad on the Travo and stood around feeling cold car at the get-in where a sign my open hands. I then man- Felix Thursday 12 May 2005 www.felixonline.co.uk 11

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Ralph on the lower Travo Patrick on the Rizzanese aged to battle down the rapid. quick change we hopped into were three police cars, three all waiting for – the gorge sec- nicely swollen – a definite end 2pm, and so had plenty of I wish we had got it on video. our respective cars and drove different ambulances, a fire tion. This was fun, however to my paddling on this trip. time to drive to Bastia and It was at this point that we down to the bottom of the crew and a helicopter. due to my over-optimistic Food was consumed in vast polish out the scratches on were seriously running out river. We arrived at the take- The French bloke got air- interpretation of the temper- portions and beers, whisky the car roof left by the rack. of time, so we decided to try out and myself and a guy from evacuated after being cut out ature I just wore a cag-deck and some strange local brew After four hours of searching, to walk out. Jim and I did a Glaxo got into the third car to through the back of the van. and shorts and since little were drunk. Eventually we we found what we were look- scout up the hillside to find be driven back up to the top. Our driver was also taken to sunlight enters the gorge (at all settled down for a good ing for and drove back toward the road. After much effort My memory of the events hospital. We were asked to one point it narrowed to less night’s kip, with me being Bonifacio to await the ferry and scratched legs, we found that followed is somewhat follow the gendarmes to their than paddle width), it gets very glad to have survived the next day. it. We went back down for our hazy. I can remember pulling station. We were interviewed cold. However, this had an relatively unharmed. After fixing the car roof we kit and we all headed back up. off and talking to the guy in separately by a policewom- unusual benefit in that the set up camp in a nice park Emerging onto the road, we the seat in front. I can also an who spoke reasonable one time I did capsize, after Wednesday 30 March – and chilled out on the beach heard dodgy electronic tech- remember seeing a white van English, and were also asked three roll attempts, it seemed Lower Asco (by Chad) watching the sun go down no music coming from down hurtling towards us and both to sign statements. about time for my daily swim whilst reflecting on a day that the road. A van with kayaks cars skidding in the same The others had a more but given the lack of insula- After some tea and breakfast was in stark (and welcome) came round the corner. It was direction. The fraction of a enjoyable day, according to tion on my nether regions I at the gite, we parted compa- contrast to the previous day’s the Germans again! They second before impact will Chad: remained in the boat and on ny with the Glaxo posse and vehicular carnage. gave Jim a lift to the top and remain with me for the rest of “We started sombrely at the the sixth attempt I was in headed off to do a warm down the sense of relief could be my life – knowing that you’re Tavignano, given that there calm enough water. However, river. After a brief trip to find Thursday 31 March/ felt by all. It was eight o’clock. about to hit and there’s sod had just been a car crash one of the Glaxo crew did a bakery, we found our way to Friday 1 April – the fools We had taken eight and a half all you can do isn’t a particu- that had put all but two of the have a brief swim there after the Lower Asco. Jim followed fly home (by Jim) hours to do four and a half larly nice feeling! Glaxo group either in hospital no roll attempts. the progress from the road kilometres of water. Fortunately, all three of or the police station along with “After 2km of this we reached above with the camera and We spent Thursday leisurely The evening consisted us got out of the wreckage Jim. We decided to set off, as the get-out and awaited the we set off in what must have waiting for the ferry and then of eating pizza in a nearby without much damage. The we would have to wait four return of a Laguna to trans- been the clearest river I’ve driving back across Sardinia. town and then a long drive to French bloke we hit wasn’t so to six hours anyway before port us back to Jim at the ever paddled in. That night we set up camp the put-in for the Tavignano, fortunate. Whilst the Laguna the police were finished. It police station. Whilst waiting, It proved a rather leisurely right next to the airport, but where we were due to meet had excellent crumple zones, started relatively easily with we had a look at the road run with no horizons for me the sound of the planes didn’t up with some guys from the seat belt tensioners and a few kilometres of flat water markings at the accident site to get out and inspect so, just disturb us too much – we Glaxo paddling club. We all front airbags, his little van paddling, the only feature of to keep warm.” to show willing, I got out to were far too tired! fell asleep, absolutely knack- benefited from none of these. note being a hydroelectric The others turned up at the “inspect” the bottom of an An early start saw us ered! Eventually the emergency dam that required portaging. station and got changed into eddy. My initial fear was that returning the abused hire services arrived. Their prior- The only exit was through the their dry things. Eventually Jim had recorded this ultra- car and checking into the Tuesday 29 March – ity was obviously the French inlets, but presumably there we all headed back to the lame swim but to my relief airport before flying back to Tavignano and disaster! guy, but our driver was also must be some kind of warn- other guy’s gite. Once there he was round the corner. Stansted. (by Jim) treated for a suspected bro- ing before they open them, we made use of the cook- Unfortunately Patrick did see So that was the end of our ken foot and I had some seat- otherwise things could get ing facilities and hot show- it (how did he get the camera Corsican adventure – an The guys from Glaxo arrived belt cuts treated by the para- quite interesting! ers. When I removed my boot, out so fast?) incredibly tiring, but very in the morning and after a medics. By this time there “Then came the bit we were my foot was pretty black and We finished the river by enjoyable 9 days!

Imperial canoeists relax in Corsica Jim Felix 12 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 12 May 2005

CLUBS & SOCIETIES [email protected] Sa Compana: out of this world Imperial College Caving Club visited the largest cave on Mallorca

CAVING CLUB training for the day. the rest of the world. We view Street, and gour pools (crystal They shot up the mountain- new, shiny kit with suspicion pools formed by water drop- side and we waddled slow- and an assumption of inex- ping onto flow stone) that By Jarvist Frost ly after them, following the perience, whereas the conti- would have seemed more many cairns along the ridge nent sees inexperience in not at home on Brighton beach. We left the villa by 10am and walk, then the vast quantities keeping every item gleaming Amazing stuff. were soon wiggling our way of red spray paint around to and serviced. We orbited the little tea- up the fantastic bends of the the entrance. The limestone Entrance pitch was a pleas- lights showing our path back C710, then down towards Sa was sharp but grippy, though ant daylight 10m abseil down out of the chamber, calling to Compana, flying over the if you stumbled on the scree it a steep slope into what would each other across the many- beautiful Scalextric-inspired was an awful long way to the be a very large chamber second echo and generally 270 degree bridge bend. valley floor! indeed for the UK – some- exploring this wholly out-of- We were faffing with ruck- As we caught up with thing you could easily squeeze this-world landscape. The sacks when an enormous the Cave Rescuers at the Beit into. Once everyone was chamber is the size of four mountain police 4x4 roared entrance, we eyed up each safely down, we wandered football pitches side by side, up and three men in oh-so- other with equal bemuse- around the corner into the and tall enough to consume tight lycra dived out clutch- ment – us with disbelief at cave itself. the Blackett Laboratory. ing gleaming tackle bags their shiny scratch-free Pretzl Big doesn’t even start to We continued down on of prepacked kit. Gerardo metalwork, them at the sight describe it. There were enor- rope, along a 60m long piece applied his language skills of the finest Yorkshire mud mous formations, stalagmites of smooth flow stone that and discovered that the men that we had imported into and flow stone (a smooth started out horizontal, then in tights were three eighths the country. I really wonder calcite deposit) larger than got steadily steeper until of the entire Cave Rescue whether UK cavers have an houses, curtains (lines of almost vertical – not a place Organisation for the Balearic entirely inverted view of cav- moulded together stalactites) for the unwary! Just beyond, Islands, doing a light spot of ing equipment compared to larger than a façade on Oxford there is a little muddy cham- ber, absolutely filled with candles from previous cave trips. We cracked open our Darren drum of baguettes, a very pleasant lunch by can- dlelight! The rest of the extensive cave is reached by crawl- ing through a gap not much larger than a television, and here you can notice the very strange ‘breathing’ of the NUCC visited Sa Compana two days later, and took a photo cave. Three seconds breathe of one of the larger stalagmites. Photo: Andy Jurd in, two seconds hold, three seconds breathe out. The ging when two groups do the race from the beachfront back very bottom is just three same cave, we decided it was to the cars, we bumped into metres above sea level, and getting late and so began our the Rescuers staying in the it is believed that there is a ascent. It was Gerardo and resort overnight, managing submarine tunnel too small Pella’s first SRT [rope] trip, a stilted conversation about for a human (or merely as yet so progress was fairly sedate the size and impressiveness undiscovered) connecting the but very pleasant. of the cave while pretending cave with the sea, resulting The sunshine was glorious not to huff and puff from our in the Mediterranean waves as we exited, gobbling banan- wacky race. causing air to be sucked as and Haribo before ambling ICCC is planing to run one in and out. Truly a freak of along the 90 minutes of steep last weekend trip this year nature! mountain back to our cars. suitable for first-timers. The speedy Spaniards soon We drove on to the seaside Exact date TBA, but some overtook us coming the other resort, sitting outside for a time in June – see our web- Imperial College Caving Club standing outside the rather inconspicuous entrance to way, and after sorting out the coffee in the gathering twi- site for more info: www.union. Sa Compana. Photo: Jarvist Frost inevitable cat’s cradle of rig- light. While having a hopping ic.ac.uk/caving.

What’s on [email protected] Chaplaincy Communion serv- Free entry before 9pm Daily: 1.20pm, 2.20pm, 4.40pm, THURSDAY ices are for Christians of all TUESDAY Current and classic chart ALL WEEK 5.30pm, 7.45pm, 8.45pm. Fri- traditions. During the term music. Carlsberg and Tetley Sat only: 11.10pm. Sat, Sun 12 MAY the services vary between 17 MAY £1 a pint in all bars all night. FILMS: VUE CINEMA, and Thurs only: 11.15am. the Church of England, the With Bar Shisha in the UDH. FULHAM BROADWAY Thurs only: 9.35am. GENERAL Swedish Lutheran Church, UNION EVENTS Free cloakroom for sports Student discount ALL WEEK HITCHHIKER’S GUIDE RENAULT F1 TEAM the Methodist and Baptist STA TRAVEL QUIZ NIGHT bags. Now with summer bar- THE JACKET (15) TO THE GALAXY (PG) SHOW Churches. 8–10.30pm becue. Daily: 12.20pm, 3pm, 5.35pm, Daily: 2.10pm, 4.45pm, 10am–5pm Contact: [email protected] Beit Quad Contact: [email protected] 8pm. Thurs only: 9.45am. Fri- 7.15pm, 9.45pm. Daily, not Beit Quad lawn FREE Sat only: 10.30pm. Thurs: 12.40pm, 3.10pm, The Altran Engineering Cash and beer prizes on offer. MONSTER IN LAW (12A) 5.50pm, 8.30pm. Fri-Sat only: Academy brings the Renault FRIDAY Get a team together and see THURSDAY Daily: 1pm, 3.20pm, 5.45pm, 11pm. Sat, Sun and Thurs F1 team show car to Beit how much you really know. 8.15pm. Fri-Sat only: 10.45pm. only: 11.20am. Quad. Come along to find out 13 MAY Contact: [email protected] 19 MAY Sat, Sun and Thurs only: THE WEDDING DATE more. Win a 6-month place- 10.45am. (12A) ment with the Renault F1 UNION EVENTS VERY IMPORTANT A GOOD WOMAN (PG) Daily, not Thurs: 1.40pm, team! BLING BLING WEDNESDAY FELIX PUBLISHED Daily: 2pm, 4.30pm, 7pm, 4.10pm. Visit: www.altran-academy.com 8pm–2am 10am onwards 9.30pm (not Thurs). Thurs THE INTERPRETER (12A) £3 18 MAY Pick up the next issue from only: 10.45am. Daily: 12.15pm (not Sat, Sun, CHAPLAINCY R&B, hip-hop and bhangra. £1 your department or the Union ONG-BAK (18) Thurs), 3.15pm (not Thurs), WEEKLY EUCHARIST a shot vodka and draft mixer UNION EVENTS building. Daily: 6.40pm (not Thurs), 6.15pm (not Wed-Thurs), 9pm 1pm in dBs bar all night. With Bar SPORTS NIGHT Contact: [email protected] 9.15pm. Fri-Sat only: 11.45pm. (not Thurs). FREE every Thursday Shisha upstairs. 8pm–12midnight KINGDOM OF HEAVEN ROBOTS (U) Open to all Christians Contact: [email protected] Beit Quad (15) Sat-Sun only: 11.30am.

Felix 14 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 12 May 2005

Music [email protected] Everything eclectic Four Tet’s new album proves that ‘new directions’ aren’t necessarily a bad thing, and we present alternatives to the big festivals (since they’ve all sold out, boo hoo)

soundscape of crackling sounds and ALBUM REVIEWS faraway-sounding vocal samples. Hebden has professed a love for Four Tet last year’s MF Doom and Madlib Everything Ecstatic collaboration, Madvilliany, and (Domino) recently worked on an EP of remixes HHHHI due for release soon. Hearing them brings it home how much Four Tet’s Keiran Hebden’s Four Tet guise snappy beats and cymbals owe to has slyly converted many guitar- hiphop production – High Fives has worshipping indie kids to his slinky a punchy, tense drum pattern that’s and beguiling mixture of folk and vaguely reminiscent of Prefuse 73’s electronica (I know, I am one), with instru-hop. Again, the sheer inven- 2003’s Rounds providing laid-back tiveness of the production is enough jams, dancefloor-humping beats to keep the listener’s attention, and the nine-minute epic Unspoken rephrasing the warped xylophone earning him seemingly endless criti- sounds of Rounds opener, Hands, cal acclaim. into a hummable melody. Expectations are riding high on The undisputed high point of this this, his fourth album on Domino. In album is Sun Drums And Soil. It the intervening years, Hebden has starts with Boards Of Canada-esque professed an intense dislike for the synth washes and gentle bleeps, term ‘folktronica’ that was foisted before Hebden loses his restraint upon him by general critical opin- and brings in a huge cymbal-break- ion, while producing his friend Dan ing beat that’s straight out of the Snaith’s band, Manitoba (now known Caribou rulebook. Jazz saxophones as Caribou due to a ridiculous con- loop and dance on the massive beat, flict with a punk singer, Handsome while warm rhodes piano builds an Dick Manitoba). In short, anyone ascending melody that’s almost sin- expecting a straight-out repeat of ister. Nothing he’s ever done sounds Rounds’ mostly acoustic fare will like this. It instantly calls to mind be sorely disappointed. Hebden has Boom Bip, who tend to merge post- made it clear time and time again rock’s love of severe volume chang- that he falls in the class of art- es with downbeat electronica. Boom ists that believe only progression Bip never had the utterly sublime is worthwhile – witness his earli- production that this record does, er incarnation in the band Fridge, each beat perfect, each component formed at the tender age of fifteen, of the mix melding seamlessly with who veered from Krautrock to post- its neighbours. rock to you-name-it on their two Sleep, Eat Food, Have Visions is vastly unappreciated records. interesting in that it spends three The single, Smile Around The minutes being a laidback bleep-fest, Face, is constructed around a while the remaining five minutes Chipmunk-sounding soul vocal and – a hammering drill’n’bass – work crashing live drums that clearly owe out with roughly a billion drum a lot to his work with Caribou. Pretty sounds all crushed into one beat. toy xylophones jump from speaker In that way, it’s akin to the opener, to speaker, as the sample is cut Joy, which mauls listeners with its in/out against splashy cymbals and huge, evil bassline. It’s almost as if tight snares. The cohesive moments Hebden wants to refute the possible provide a hook that’s almost pop in coffee-tableness of Rounds. it’s simplicity and child-like glee. This is probably the best IDM And Then Patterns’ opening laid- record that’ll be released this year; back and deceptively complex beat a thoughtful mix of charming melo- harks back to the downtempo sound dies, sophisticated production, and of Rounds. A pretty piano figure sheer ingenuity. Stick it on repeat. winds around phasing synth lines Andrew Sykes and slowly draws you into the warm Music Editor Four Tet: even laptop geniuses have to go outside sometimes No Glasto ticket? No worries...

as there are more than enough hid- years include TCTC, Goldrush, Park, Beck, Sigur Ros. Cake, 14 Aug): Massive Attack, Fatboy PREVIEW den gems to go around! Razorlight, Kasabian, Bloc Party, Mercury Rev, Royksopp (¥38000) Slim, Goldfrapp, Erick Morillo, The Ordinary Boys (FREE) Orb (€40) Felix Isle Of Wight (10-12 Jun): Faithless, Fiberfib (Benicassim, España, 4-7 Alternative Festival Guide Feeder, Snow Patrol, Morrisey, REM Arvika (Sweden, 14-16 Jul): Bright Aug): Nick Cave, LC D Soundsystem, Green Man (Hay-On-Wye, Wales, Eyes, Ed Harcourt, New Order, Doves, Polyphonic Spree, Mylo, 19-21 Aug): Bonnie ‘Prince’ Billy, This summer’s best (£90) Annie, The Faint (830kr) Lemon Jelly (€152 with week camp- The Earlies, James Yorkston, Adem, Sonar (Barcelona, España, 16-19 ing) Micah P. Hinson, Broken Family With Glastonbury, the Carling and V Jun): Chemical Brothers, Laurent Truck (Oxford, UK, 23-24 Jul): Magic Band (£75) weekends and even T In The Park Garnier, Le Tigre, James Murphy, Numbers, Biffy Clyro, Editors, Fonda Big Chill (Eastnor Castle, 5-7 Aug): all reaching or achieving sold out Soulwax, DJ Yoda, Hood, MIA, De 500, Patrick Wolf, yourcodenameis: The Earlies, The Bays, Hexstatic, Also, look out for the Somerset status, music fans nationwide are La Soul (€105) milo, Battle (£37.50) Emiliana Torrini, !!!, Efterklang, house series in July, featuring Sigur beginning to despair at the pros- Chris Coco, Norman Jay (£112) Ros, Bright Eyes and Bloc Party. pect of a summer without festival Middlesbrough Music Live (UK, Fuji Rock (Naeba, Japan, 29-31 Jul): delights. But worry not, my friends, 19 Jun) Line-up TBC but previous Foo Fighters, Coldplay, Maximo Andalucia Creamfields (Almeria, Keira Poland Felix Thursday 12 May 2005 www.felixonline.co.uk 15

MUSIC [email protected] Summer is here While the weather may be utterly crap, Hot Hot Heat’s quirky, danceable indie will bring a smile to your face, as will Brendan Benson’s live show

Novello, relying more on bitchy one- ALBUM REVIEWS liners or witty turns of phrase, my personal favourite being: “Running Hot Hot Heat with scissors wasn’t smart, I tripped Elevator and cut open your heart!” (SIRE) Bays’ delivery is the important HHHHI thing. I challenge you not to smile when he starts and ends Island Of So here comes summer, bringing The Honest Man with a frantic a wasps, bikinis and Hot Hot Heat, capella: “I was picked up and then one of the most criminally undera- dropped off in a culture counter- chieving bands to have graced our clockwise turned around.” shores (via Canada). There are so many gems here that Whilst everyone is desperately it’s hard to pick any out specifically. running around emulating bands Shame On You has a nice latino beat, like Television or Right Said Fred and piano-led album track Elevator (I’m onto you, Kapranos), HHH have is reminiscent of wonderful album been sounding like XTC for ages closer In Cairo from their previous already. Their debut album, Make album. Up The Breakdown, faded away to Barring another war, HHH should nothing despite its brilliance. The be assaulting your eyes and ears for indie dancefloor slaying Bandages, the foreseeable future. So there you from that very album, should go, better than wasps and at least as have been number one for a gazil- good as bikinis. James Millen lion weeks, but the ‘Great’ British Government decided that singing the word ‘bandages’ during the Iraq Lindy War was insensitive and took it off Beautifully Undone the air, further adding to our war (My Dad) crimes. HHHHI But look! It’s now 2005 and you’ve got quirky indie popsters like Franz The name that he records under Ferdinand and Kaiser Chiefs scaling may sound awful, but it is honestly the charts: HHH are perfect for this his name. According to his website, musical climate. Check out forth- Mr Lindy Vopnfjord (something I coming single Goodnight Goodnight, can’t personally pronounce), hails Hot Hot Heat: pre-afro days. My, aren’t they serious young men? all off-beat drums, bright guitar and from Icelandic shores, where he bouncy Hammond organ, instantly began to play guitar from the age of folk roots are evident in his songs, melody with light strings, clearly surface it appears to be a standard accessible and just clever enough. two and toured with his folk-singing his style of finger picking punctu- highlighting his voice. In The Air guitar/bass/drums-type track, Lindy It’s bound to sit comfortably on the family. His online home also hints ated by heavy strumming is com- enlists a full band to produce a fuller, executes some tricky counter melo- play lists of Radio1, XFM, local radio this may all be a lie, so I choose to mon throughout. The ace in Lindy’s more upbeat sound. It reminds me dies to the instrument line. At times and, um, even IC Radio. believe he was raised by a polar pack is that, unlike his folk con- of Oxford boys Goldrush at their he cautiously borders on being out of Let’s take a moment to observe bear or something. But some people temporaries, he hasn’t descended most pop, with a jangling backing tune, but the closeness of dischord is front man Steven Bays. Originally will say anything. It’s what he sings into beard-stroking quirkiness (à overlaid with slide guitar. After All skilfully mastered. he was only the keyboardist, but they that counts. la Devendra Banhart), but instead The Rain Falls is in a similar vein While I don’t see him crashing the booted the singer and he took over. Lindy certainly has a beautiful manages a more northern English to the title track. It is more ethereal, charts any time soon, Lindy is the He has an ace yelpy Canadian sing- voice. In places it has a raw, gruff, indie sound. Rather fittingly, he has with extremely light synth and piano kind of artist who will build a solid ing voice, melodic and effortlessly Scandinavian edge, a bit like a Kelly recently signed to new Mancunian underneath gentle guitar. Towards its fan base. And who knows where up-beat. More noticeable somehow is Jones you don’t want to kick. In record label My Dad Recordings, close, strings and drums are brought that kind of momentum can lead? I his incredible man-‘fro: it makes the others it effortlessly soars into the and labelmates such as Jack Cooper in as the song builds, culminating in mean, who saw Damien Rice com- hairy one out of Hundred Reasons higher octaves, with a satisfying provide a good reference point. cymbal crashes aplenty before dying ing? This four track single is worth look like a billiard ball. Lyrically, vibrato, more like a Matt Bellamy Lead track Beautifully Undone back down again. Most interesting is eighteen minutes of anyone’s time. HHH aren’t going to win an Ivor with the volume turned down. His consists of a delicately plucked Look At The Way. Though from the James Millen

throughout the half hour-long set LIVE REVIEWS you could swear you were enjoying a Californian summer. Brendan Benson / Hal By the time headline act and Electric Ballroom Detroit native Brendan Benson HHHII stepped onto the stage, the Electric Ballroom was living up to its name Support slots can be tricky things. in terms of the atmosphere. The set On the one hand, you get to play to started off with the pop tunes that audiences larger than you would have earned him his following, lifted probably get if you were headlin- mainly from his two earlier albums. ing, but on the other hand you have Midway through, he declared it time to win over people who have paid for the “singer-songwriter part of to see someone else and are prob- the show,” so with acoustic guitar ably getting impatient for the main in tow he strummed out the songs event. and the crowd sang along with every Fortunately for Hal, their particu- heartfelt word. It is a truly amazing lar brand of sunny west coast pop experience when such a large group is very difficult to dislike. Taking to of people all connect with the music; the Electric Ballroom’s rather small you can only imagine what Benson stage, front man Dave Allen intro- was feeling as the crowd became duces the band in an interminable one big backing vocal. The rest of Irish drawl, a stark contrast to his the set mainly comprised of songs clear and well pitched singing voice. from his latest album, Alternative There’s quite a loud hum of conver- To Love, which were performed bril- sation from the disinterested audi- liantly, sung with a verve and energy ence as the band begin their set, but that is so often missing from solo by the time they’ve played first single singer-songwriters. What A Lovely Dance a few songs An alternative to love? I’m not in, the crowd are suitably impressed. too sure about that, but listening to Hal may be playing a dingy club Brendan Benson is a good place to Brendan Benson: the master of bittersweet pop somewhere in north London, but start. Dom Wong Felix 16 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 12 May 2005

[email protected] Film Listings: page 12 Scott fails to deliver Kingdom Of Heaven falls into the shadow of masterpiece Gladiator

from simple mourning blacksmith Balian. True, the film is about one Kingdom Of Heaven to skilled swordsman, irrigation man’s journey and his rude awak- Director: Ridley Scott expert, surveyor, builder, military ening into the world of intertwined Starring: Orlando Bloom, Eva Green, strategist and politician, whilst also religion, politics and war; but the Liam Neeson, Jeremy Irons finding time to bed the beautiful film’s scope seems to omit anything Running time: 150 mins (and married) Princess Sibylla. that has no immediate impact on Certificate: 15 What a multitalented blacksmith. the central character, whose impas- HHHII There are two major failings of sive attitude that he put to good use the film that prevented it from truly as a detached and well-spoken elf Since it is directed by Ridley Scott reaching ‘epic’ status. Number one has been used throughout the film. (Gladiator), one would expect was the fact that the plot was rid- In fact, he has no other attitude, his Kingdom of Heaven to impress and dled with more holes than Swiss face is always a picture of constant amaze just as much as its predeces- cheese. Balian’s knowledge of irri- consternation and grim determina- sor. In this respect, the film does gation and military expertise seem tion. His lines are kept to a bare not fail to please – sweeping battle minimum to save him from embar- scenes, opulent sets and on location “...certainly not rassing himself, yet he does just shooting certainly make for astound- that. His delivery is invariably terse ing pieces of cinematography, which offensive to watch, and over-dramatic. is the main reason for the three star Whilst some scenes were histori- rating. Visually, you can expect all and provided plenty cally inaccurate and some battle the brilliance of Gladiator, only fit- scenes were a bit too drawn out for ted in with a different genre – one of conversation my liking, this film was certainly of the Christian and Muslim armies not offensive to watch and provid- against the backdrop of Jerusalem. material...” ed plenty of conversation material The film follows the story of Balian afterwards. The dialogue was poign- (Orlando Bloom), a French black- to appear from nowhere. A possible ant, with the supporting cast deliv- smith in mourning after the suicide (and likely) explanation is that pro- ering strong performances on all of his wife, who one day decides gression took a long time; however, fronts. Scott dealt with the issue of to ride to Jerusalem after being the film does not give this impres- the Crusades sensitively and in such approached by the father he never sion. a manner that neither Christians knew (Liam Neeson) and urged to Problem number two is Balian nor Muslims were demonised. The join the Crusades. himself. Ridley Scott appears to give film also raises interesting parallels Unfortunately en route to Orlando Bloom, as Balian, turns from blacksmith to crusader Bloom as much screen time as pos- between the struggle in the holy Jerusalem, Bailan’s father Godfrey sible, and this proves to be a huge land back in 1180 and events in the is killed, leaving Balian the sole father lies dying, he knights his son ing the helpless and serving the failing, mainly because of his lack Middle East today. beneficiary and heir of his men and and charges him with safeguarding leprosy-afflicted king with loyalty. of screen presence. The camera is Marya Ziauddin lands in the holy city. While the the fragile peace in the city, protect- This he does, speedily evolving little more than a terrier trailing and Alistair Finn

Star Wars Episode III OUT NEXT WEEK Released on Friday 13 May at Vue Competition Fulham Broadway: ● The Jacket ● Monster In Law ● A Good Woman ● Ong-Bak

Released on Wednesday 18 May, 12.10am at Vue Fulham Broadway: ● Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge of the Sith

Visit www.myvue.com/student for more details.

Vue Fulham Broadway are giving you the opportunity to win posters for The Jacket or Ong-Bak. Just answer this question: Which jacket is the odd one out and why? As part of the release of Star Wars (a) Yoda (a) Strait Episode III: Revenge of the Sith, (b) Darth Vader (b) Bomber 20th Century Fox have generously (c) Chewbacca (c) Potato provided you with the opportunity Email your answer and which mer- to win one of three t-shirts and Email your answer to film.felix@ chandise you would like to win to one of ten posters. ic.ac.uk. Usual Felix rules apply. [email protected]. Usual Felix Last week’s winners: House competition rules apply. To win, just answer this: of Flying Daggers DVDs: Rakhi Sehmi and Rafael Gates; Last week’s winners are Adam Rae, Who has starred in the most Star Kingdom of Heaven package: Jess Wright and Dave Arquati. Wars movies? Marco Visentini Scarzanella. Alan Ng Film Editor Felix Thursday 12 May 2005 www.felixonline.co.uk 17

FILM [email protected] An average interpretation Eavesdropping is bad, no Kid-ding

The Interpreter Penn, along with director Pollack, protective custody immediately. Or are all Oscar winners. By all meas- why the US intelligence agencies Director: Sydney Pollack ures, The Interpreter should be one are so, well, damn stupid. Starring: Nicole Kidman, Sean Penn, of the sharpest movies around, but That’s not to say the film doesn’t Catherine Keener, Jesper it is not. It is intelligent, intriguing have any fascinating or surprisingly Christensen, Earl Cameron and topical, but too often it gets funny scenes. At one point, with the Running time: 129 mins bogged down in its own good inten- Secret Service shadowing three dif- Certificate: 12A tions. ferent figures, the characters and HHHII The United Nations serve as little their American shadows all con- more than an inspired backdrop for verge on the same city bus. The Nicole Kidman stars as UN inter- what turns out to be political thriller editing (by William Steinkamp) is preter Silvia Broome, a cosmo- that, while often gripping, is neither something to behold. He juggles politan linguist who accidentally as clever as it tries to be or as politi- multiple stories, characters and overhears a whispered conspiracy cally savvy as it pretends to be. perspectives, keeping the narrative that might be an assassination. She The writers take care to make mis- line impossibly clean while building never sees them, but they spot her, interpretation itself a bit of a motif an old-fashioned sense of tension yet she doesn’t report the incident by playing with it in small ways, with and suspense by slowly building the until the next day, after she learns smaller discussions throughout the tempo, paced by Penn’s perform- that Matobo’s dictator, Zuwanie movie – very clever. The dialogue ance as the Secret Service point (who has been accused of ethnic man choreographing his agents cleansing and brought up on charg- while pondering the real meaning es of genocide in the World Court), “Neither as clever of the “coincidence”. is coming to the UN to make a as it tries to be or as What’s your favourite scary movie? But apart from the film’s climactic speech. bus sequence and another nicely Coincidence? That’s what Secret politically savvy as it selves. He doesn’t seem to trust nothing beyond their dramatic trag- crafted sequence towards the mov- Service agent Tobin Keller (Sean their words as much as his gut feel- ic pasts and Pollack doesn’t seem ie’s end, this thriller never visually Penn), a professional cynic, wants pretends to be” ing regarding their sincerity. interested in filling in the blanks. builds much tension or suspense. to know. Silvia is uncommunicative If there was ever a romantic sug- Instead it’s another one of the film’s Catherine Keener (Being John about her past and secretive about between Penn and Kidman is sharp, gestion between the two damaged corny storylines – it just seems as Malkovich) is sadly underused in her present. interesting and at times rich. Their loners, removed from the social though they’ve ripped off ideas from the role of Keller’s wise-cracking The Interpreter is touted as the acting is powerful and compelling. world because of the pain of loss, other films with the intention of partner. This is probably due to poor first commercial movie to shoot The screenwriters enjoy painting Kidman and Penn do away with making them look a bit tacky. script development. Had this been inside the United Nations, which her as the word-lover, the linguist; it completely. The heat of danger If you start to think, you might expanded a bit more, the film could means that this thriller is blessed she listens. And they paint Penn may break down the fence between ponder why an emotionally frac- have been more than just average. with a truly incredible set-piece. as the face man – he peers into the them momentarily, but back in the tured agent would be in charge of The Interpreter is ultimately flu- The movie also boasts two of the eyes of his subjects and tosses them calm they retreat into their shells. such a powder-keg situation. Or why ent in many things, but an out-and- best actors around – Kidman and some line to see if they choke them- Unfortunately, the script gives them Kidman’s character isn’t taken into out thriller it is not. Haj Alttahir

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email phone check out volunteering 020 www. Imperial Volunteer Centre @ 7594 imperial.ac.uk/ imperial.ac.uk 8141 volunteering South Kensington campus Union Building Beit Quadrangle East Basement Linking opportunities Prince Consort Road IN PARTNERSHIP WITH IMPERIAL COLLEGE UNION London SW7 2BB Felix 18 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 12 May 2005

Puzzles [email protected] Felix Crossword 1322 by Snufkin Sudoku

SET BY FISHFACE 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 Complete the grid so that every row, every column and Across every 3x3 square (bounded by bold lines) contains the 1. Old song? (4,2,5,4) digits 1 to 9. 9 10 9. Found old Tom in red-light surroundings? (7) 10. Again goes over note about adverts (7) Email your solution to [email protected] by Tuesday 9 11. Instrument stowed away by chancellor (5) 17 May. No attachments please. The first correct 12. Imperial biographer’s second rehash of tenuous solution randomly drawn wins your choice of a 128MB 11 12 material takes one in (9) USB storage device or a crate of beer. 13. Little creature’s roar bringing along more of his kind? 11 12 13 (4,4) 15. Mammal whose time has come? (6) 13 14 17 15 16 18. Poor version of ropy ad? (6) 1 3 8 4 2 19. Sexual animal with voracious appetite? (3-5) 15 17 18 22. Plenty of room on board this craft? (9) 9 7 5 3 24. Starts to take hold of negligée, groping for G-string (5) 18 20 19 20 25. Order to give licence to publication (7) 26. After tea, chewed pita or similar bread (7) 7 1 21 19 27. Have a healthy breakfast – and a trundling commute? (2,2,4,2,2,3) 4 8 5 3 22 23 24 Down 8 4 22 23 1. Wild dog found by scout – a little one, that is (4-3) 2. Unknown character spoken of in The Sword in the 25 26 Stone (9) 9 2 7 8 3. Explosive opening pair turned up for start of 24 performance (5) 6 3 4. Short guy whose dancing provides minor attraction (8) 27 5. Persian king turning suggestive epithet on its head? (6) 7 8 1 6 6. Having sliced loaf, ready for a few pints (4,2,3) 7. Look – a pigmy’s captured a giraffe (5) 5 4 6 3 7 Issue 1321 solution Last week’s winner is Simon 8. Last of candidates to enter takes exam again but M A Y D A Y E D I A B O L I C struggles (7) Overell, Computing IV, who 14. Companion of the Roses, perhaps? (9) U I A G Y R M D N O U I A N O 9 1 2 4 8 3 6 5 7 G A L L E R I E S O L I K E N should be revising for finals 16. Justification for beer being under usual measure (9) Issue 1321 solution 5 6 3 7 1 2 9 4 8 Send your answers to coffee.felix@ic. S P T N C A N T U N L G E E F 17. Turn up with cheapo substitute (not English!) for cold Thanks to everyone who entered. 4 7 8 5 6 9 2 3 1 G R A P H I C A L L Y U O R E ac.uk or bring this page down to the Felix soup (8) The winner is biology student 6 2 5 9 4 1 7 8 3 A U N Y A S E U A L F R N E R office in the West Wing of Beit Quad. 18. Letters sent in packet on the job (4-3) Katie Abranson. 1 3 7 8 2 5 4 9 6 M A T U R E R T R H O D E S A 20. Fixing the sails (7) 8 9 4 6 3 7 5 1 2 E I O F E O T R V E R T G G O Each week, we’ll choose a winner and 21. Virgin Queen becoming more fair (6) 3 8 9 2 7 4 1 6 5 R R A G B A G B R E Y N A U D print their name, thus providing them with 23. Accept trouble with patient tranquility, initially (5) 7 4 1 3 5 6 8 2 9 D O D G R D A A U T O J O H Y almost unlimited kudos and self-satisfac- 2 5 6 1 9 8 3 7 4 A S S I A D V E N T U R E R S 24. Taking invocation at first, thanks Egyptian god for M M T T I Y O A W N O S X I S tion. Everyone who provides us with a headband (5) A D O R N A T R A N S P I R E correct solution will get an entry into our S T O V E R T C Y N U I L E A prize draw at the end of the year K I L L D E E R O S E V E R N Hello again! If you’ve got exams at the moment, or if you’ve got them coming up soon, this puzzle will stave off the tedium of revision for a while; if you’ve had your exams, or if you’ve not got any this year at all, it will give you some- thing to do with all that spare time, you lucky son of a bitch. Not much to say about it, really, except that there are a few clues here that I’m extremely proud of. I hope that little toot on my own kazoo entices you to give the puzzle your best shot. Good luck! Snufkin Felix Thursday 12 May 2005 www.felixonline.co.uk 19

SPORT [email protected] Imperial cricketers claim landslide victory over UCL

CRICKET became 56 for 4 as Imperial bowling with his late swing- suffered a mini-collapse with ing deliveries left the UCL ULU Cup Karthik, Vaibhav, Al and Peter batsmen looking as confused succumbing to a mixture of as a child in a topless bar. A Imperial Men’s 2nd poor judgement and careless good piece of fielding resulted 193-9 (40 overs) stroke play. UCL had fought in the first wicket when Asif Jacob Chacko 60 back strongly but Imperial found himself inches short of Vaibhav 36 had enough batting depth to the batting crease. Jibran Ahmed 20 weather the storm. Jacob set Subby then picked up a about rebuilding the innings couple of wickets, with Jacob UCL Men’s 2nd with some good sensible pulling off a tremendous 51 all out (17.4 overs) batting and built partner- catch at backward point. Avi Anand Subramanian 2-20 ships with Avi, Khurram and and Pete continued the good Pete Munro 2-16 Devesh. work with some accurate and Avishek Das 1-6 Soon defence turned into disciplined bowling as the single-hunting, gliding and UCL batsmen crumbled, una- By Karthik efficiently flicking in the gaps, ble to handle the pressure. Rathinasabapathy and gradually Imperial accel- Although Imperial’s fielding erated, with ones turning was quite good overall, Jibran Imperial’s second XI moved into twos and the odd bound- was unlucky to have a cou- a step closer to a place in the ary being poached. When he ple of catches dropped off his semi-finals of the ULU Cup finally fell in the 36th over, bowling. Pete Munro then put after beating UCL’s second XI Jacob’s fantastic knock of 60 an end to UCL’s misery with by a whopping margin of 142 had taken Imperial from a a perfect yorker to bowl them runs at Harlington. perilous position to a very out for a mere 51. The day began on a good competitive total. Jibran then On the whole it was a clini- note for Imperial seconds used the long handle to good cal and proficient team per- when skipper Karthik won effect and Imperial finished formance from the Imperial the toss and elected to bat Imperial’s second men’s cricket team, who comfortably overcame the challenge of their on 193-9 after 40 overs. second XI, which has almost on a pitch that had a tinge of UCL counterparts Imperial’s fast bowlers, secured its place in the semi- green to it. led by Jibran, then pro- finals. The exceptional talent, Vaibhav and Karthik boundaries to get the innings tight defence and some wristy when the batsmen looked set duced inspired spells in the commitment, dedication and began well for Imperial, with moving. Karthik compli- shots square of the wicket. for more, they were dismissed afternoon as UCL found spirit should ensure that the Vaibhav pouncing on anything mented Vaibhav’s attacking The 50 partnership came against the run of play. themselves in deep trouble. team goes the entire distance short and cracking a few early stroke play with a mixture of up in the tenth over but just 54 for no wicket soon Jibran’s terrific spell of fast in this tournament. Wye champions

● Continued from third try 20 minutes before pitch. The match was a once The year’s success will back page the end with an inventive run in a lifetime opportunity to never be forgotton, espe- to score any points. which ultimately, along with achieve something for Wye cially by those leaving this The fast pace of the first her tackles, earnt her the ladies’ rugby and for Wye year. Wye will not be the half did not slow in the sec- most valuable player award. College and I’m delighted same without them and I ond. The pack were brilliant Andrea kicked the conversion that the team’s hard work hope they’ll always remem- to watch in the scrum, and if to put Wye 17-0 infront. throughout the life of the club ber the overwhelming feeling LSE did manage to win the Andrea’s performance was finally fulfilled. when the final whistle blew ball, Liz’s quick breaking off throughout the game was The cup final marked the at the end of the cup final. made sure that their number excellent, all the time mak- end of the Wye rugby sea- I wish all the leaving play- 8 didn’t get very far. ing crucial tackles and kick- son and was the last game ers – Andrea, Annie, Hetty, Early in the second half ing down field as much as for many of the older play- Emily, Lou, Suzy, Liz, Lynette Suzie, after moaning in the possible. ers. This win was a perfect and Gemma – all the best minibus about how she knew Lil made some terrific way to end the year and left in the future, in particular she was going to get hurt, dis- breaks on the left wing and the team on an eight match with their rugby. You will be located her knee after a heavy was very unlucky to score a winning streak. No-one ever missed. tackle and had to be whisked try, as she certainly deserved thought with the founding of The team will carry on and to hospital. As a result, Jess one. Towards the end of the the team, three years ago, play next season, with this was drafted in to replace the game, Wye’s determination that we would ever achieve year’s freshers hopefully injured flanker. New to this not to concede was immense. the success that we have this continuing to play rugby. Our position, Jess played with Gemma battled to the end season. success will be hard to beat, strength and determination with an ongoing injury dis- Special thanks must go to but in true Wye spirit we’ll adding to Wye’s tackling abil- playing awesome courage, Andrea for founding the Wye always battle on and tackle ity. while Lou was propelled into ladies’ rugby team, to all our anything, any shape or size, Suzie’s injury provoked a the air at every lineout, steal- supporters over the season, on the pitch. major attack. It was payback: ing many LSE throw-ins. Kate and of course to our amazing Even though Wye College no-one injures a Wye player had a great game as full-back, coach, Hugh, who has shared is sadly losing its agricultural and gets away with it. The adding a sense of calm to the his knowledge, time and and science students, ladies’ tackles consequently got team. experience of the game with rugby will still continue at the harder and more aggressive. Overall, it was a truly inspi- us. Personally, I would also forefront of sport at Wye for For most of the half there rational performance by the like to congratulate the team as long as possible. were bodies from both teams whole team. It was great to and thank them for their com- Wye has a crown, now the all over the pitch, indicat- see the utter determination mitment, support and enthu- ladies’ rugby team have a ing the high intensity of the and superb teamwork dis- siasm throughtout the entire cup. What a fantastic achieve- game. Emily scored Wye’s played by everyone on the season. ment. Wye claim the ball at a line-out

Is your sports team active in the summer term? Send us your reports! [email protected] Felix 20 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 12 May 2005

Sport [email protected] Wye ladies win ULU Cup

ULU Cup winners: the all-conquering rugby ladies of Imperial’s Wye campus

RUGBY going to lose without a fight. the attacking LSE line, forc- communication between the LSE came close to scor- to the winger, Lucy, who ran Eighty minutes was all it was ing them to make mistakes half-backs and the amazing ing, taking the ball across our in between the sticks for our ULU Cup Final going to take to come away and suffer many turnover strength of the pack. try line but being unable to second try of the game. with the cup. And what an 80 balls. Possession was difficult for ground it with Liz and Andrea Towards the end of the first Wye Women’s 1st 17 minutes it turned out to be. The first try came from a Wye to come by. LSE were under the ball. This outstand- half, Wye took charge and LSE Women’s 1st 0 Wye kicked off the match blindside set piece move off very strong in attack and ing defensive effort provoked dominated the game within and immediately put pres- a scrum, which was run in recycled the ball extremely increased determination LSE’s 22 yard line. Hetty By Suzanne Horn sure on LSE in the form of by the scrum-half from the well. Tackling was key to in the forwards. A massive was on fine form, streaming an aggressive wall of maroon halfway line, all the way Wye’s performance. Annie’s tackle by Mary turned the through their defence at any The Wye girls have been and white shirts. The awe- being chased by LSE. The tackling was especiallystrik- ball over. In a blink of an opportunity adding to Wye’s anticipating this match for some attack from the Wye try would not have been suc- ing, and overall she put in a eye, the ball was efficiently dangerous attack, but unable months, and they weren’t girls prompted panic within cessful without the excellent fabulous display on the pitch. passed down our back line ● Continued on page 19

Quick Crossword by Fishface

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 Across Down 1. Expressed ironically or facetiously 1. BBC2 series featuring Sir Alan Sugar 7 (6,2,5) (3,10) 8. Carry out (7) 2. Female relative (5) 8 9 9. Spin (5) 3. Small four-stringed guitar (7) 9 10 10. Part of whole (5) 4. Mass of ice and snow (3,3) 11. Sportsman (7) 5. Capture (5) Send your answers to 10 11 12. Claim back (6) 6. Outstanding, distinguished (7) 14. Diverse, disorderly (6) 7. Star of Frasier; voice of Sideshow Bob [email protected] or bring this page to the Felix office in 12 17. Cancelled out (7) in The Simpsons (7) 19. Follower of Rastafarianism (abbrev.) 13. Deteriorate (7) the West Wing of Beit Quad 12 13 14 15 (5) 15. Yellow-orange fruit (7) 21. Native of country invaded by US and 16. Book by James Agee: ______In The Issue 1321 solution 14 16 15 16 17 allies in 2003 (5) Family (1,5) M S S C I L Y S N G L B N 22. Enthusiastic approval (7) 18. Burglar (5) S T E R E O O P E L L E T 17 18 19 20 23. Main theme song from Rocky movies 20. Language occurring in casual speech N R E U N C U O T R A A T (3,2,3,5) (5) N A U S E A R T R E N C H 19 20 E N I T A T L C I X E O A I D E A P E L E P H A N T P U L C I T P H I A I N G 21 22 R E N E G A D E O U T A H Z N D A A C S A U S M C T 22 A T O N E S B S A T I R E L I T R I T E T I I R O W 23 O R A C L E N E R N E S T T E R A M P T R C G L S Y