I Had Cold Paws Once, Every Donation to Old Newsboys Helps Buy Boots and Shoes for It Was Awful

OLD NEWSBOYS EXTRA! 2013 Lansing Spoof Journal Price: Any donation The power of giving since 1924 Right to Twerk protests blur lines By Twerk d’Solei Keep calm Lansing Spoof Journal and twerk on: “What are With the growing bans we teaching on “twerking’’ following our kids? I an over-the-top display at mean, come the Video Music Awards, on, didn’t supporters and oppo- you see that WHAT ROAD? nents of the controver- one video It was recently revealed sial Right to Twerk pro- of the girl that the street known as Har- posal gathered by the who caught rison “Road’’ in East Lansing thousands at the Capitol fire? Twerk- is actually Harrison Avenue. lawn to protest.“Shake it, ing is clearly But the problem became don’t break it,’’ oppo- dangerous!” bigger when it was discov- nents chanted while one protest- ered that Harrison was crying for Twerker’s er said. In actually Abbot Road, with rights.“Stop … please … response, a multiple spellings and vice really, please, just stop,’’ twerk-it-if- versa. chanted supporters of you’ve-got-it “How does this stuff hap- the ban, who carried supporter lift- pen?’’ one council member recycled tobacco protest ed her gaze asked. signs that exclaimed from her “We can just change the “No butts allowed’’ while iFone long signs again like we did with calling for the rare enough to Abbot/Abbott, but if anyone community-supported discredit the brings up changing the speed governmental-sponsored notion: “That limit signs on Grand River “coverup.’’As a response, was a hoax, yet again, I’m outta here.’’ Twerkers just stuck out dude.” When an intern spoke up their tongues. and said that research also “I don’t know what to under the desk like I do used in support of the body and, as you know, bigger problems. showed that Grand River say,’’ one state legisla- with all controversial Twerkers also was shut some of the buildings Said one scholar: “If Avenue was originally named tor said. “This is really issues. Geez, I miss the down by law enforce- around here are already the goal of this is to take Red Cedar Avenue, the coun- getting silly. I think I’m Right to Work protest ment officials for being kind of crumbly,’’ one us a step closer to the cil member ran out the door going to just go back days.’’ too dangerous.“Well, we official said. end of civilization, it’s screaming. into my office and crawl A wrecking ball being don’t want it hitting any- Others feared even twerking.’’ I had cold paws once, Every donation to Old Newsboys helps buy boots and shoes for it was awful. area kids in need. 2 5, 2013 CHA-CHING! Casino plans haven’t folded after all SPACE AVAILABLE Thursday, December 6, 2012 By Mike O’Hue • Lansing Spoof Journal Plans for a Lansing Congress casino have been revived, using a new link with a local tribe. A City Hall spokesman OLD NEWSBOYS announced that the Tum- for rent ba people will own the From governmental mis-communications casino, which “will proud- ly reflect the traditions of The General Accounting Office has put up a the Tumba nation.” “For rent” sign on Capitol Hill. Asked what those tra- “It was really a simple decision to make,” said ditions are, he hesitated. GAO spokesman Fuhzywuhzy Wazee. “You know — bows and “I mean, it’s not exactly like anyone was using arrows and camping and it. So, we thought we’d make a few bucks for the stuff. And growing maize, treasury and rent it to any country who needs a I think.” government.” Research shows that The government-less nation of Somalia was the Tumba nation consists considered a front-runner to lease Congress. entirely of Sean O’Clan- However, a Somalian spokesperson down- cy, his sons Paddy and played that. Paitric and, via marriage, “We already have a country that isn’t working. his wife Erin. Why would we want to add a government that “Until recently, I isn’t working?’’ thought we were Irish,” O’Clancy admitted. Then came extensive work by the mayor’s Congress: World Peace ‘Good’ office, to find a tribe for the casino project; the In a non-binding resolution, Con- family’s native link was gress on Wednesday declared that discovered. world peace is good. Predictably, the “That’s cool,” O’Clancy vote broke along party lines, with said. “I’ve always wanted The city that will never sleep: “You thought downtown was hopping before, you just wait!” Pea Party conservatives declaring to be good at archery.” that America cannot afford world There currently is no tion, then will be switched in a show of support — machines and ATM ma- peace. Tumba reservation, but with a Michigan Avenue will introduce the plan chines, O’Clancy said, the Meanwhile in Rome, the pope the O’Clancys do have a site where the casino will and the casino’s slogan: casino “will have top In- declared the congressional action nice corner lot in south be built. “You Didn’t Really Need dian … uh, Native Amer- a miracle. Lansing, near a MIyers. The mayor — tempo- That Money Anyway, Did ican like me, performers. “Congress accomplished In the plan, that will be rarily changing his name You?” Is Jay Silverheels still something,” said the pope. designated as a reserva- to Virg Burned Arrow In addition to slot around?” “If that’s not a miracle, what is?” *Not bunny ears BWL GOES TO THE DARK SIDE Lansing’s Bored of Water & Light said Bored General Manager Je vides that.” Asked how dark light announced Wednesday it will build a Pierre L’ark. actually works, L’ark spoke candidly $30 gazillion plant to generate dark “Does it really make any differ- (a first). light. ence whether electronic devices or “You really don’t want to know, but Dark light technology uses really refrigerators are operating if cus- if you did, we couldn’t explain it be- fancy machines that fool people into tomers THINK they’re working? I cause it’s too complicated for anyone thinking it’s light out when it’s not. don’t think so. People want the illu- like you to understand.” www.lansingoldnewsboys.org “Electricity is so 20th century,” sion of comfort, and dark light pro- — Staph Infektion 3 Taxes, mannn... Thursday, December 6, 2012 By Mike O’Hue pot.“Don’t get to be like Phone: “I hate that,” Lansing Spoof Journal us,” groaned Carl, a Colo- Carl said. “It’s disconcert- rado customer. ing to hear someone say, 5, 2013 For local marijuana-ad- “Life used to be so easy. ‘If you wanna be really vocates, celebrations have I’d go down to the corner mellow, man, press 1.’” SPACE AVAILABLE ended and new worries and give Snake a twenty; Internet: In a rush to l have begun. it took five minutes, tops. start, officials inadver- OLD NEWSBOYS “Bummer,” warned Now he’s got all these tently hired the computer Snake, an herbal entre- forms.” people who had been preneur in Colorado. “I’m In his backpack, Snake fired by Obamacare. “It drowning in paperwork.” now carries tax forms and took me five hours to Lansing recently passed credit card machines, plus order,” Carl said. “When I a referendum to no longer a pistol to frighten gangs finished, they said: ‘Allow prosecute the use of small of marauding tax accoun- 4-6 weeks for delivery.’ amounts of pot in homes. tants. I can’t take any more At the same time, Worse, he said, people legalizing. Besides, now Colorado passed a larger are skipping him and I’m pretty sure the drones proposal, aimed at taxing ordering via: know where my stash is.” Marijuana advocates can find themselves in a taxing situation. Horrorscopes Sagittarius Aquarius Aries Gemini Leo Libra Nothing will happen The song is absolute- A once-in-a-lifetime You will hear a Today, your life begins You’re a kind and today. Absolutely noth- ly right: “This IS the opportunity will appear strange buzzing sound. like that line from the giving person, but a bit ing. Consider it a miracle dawning of the Age of today. However, you will Don’t worry. It’s just the musical “Oklahoma”: too trustworthy. That that you’re still breath- Aquarius. Harmony and be too busy figuring out electronic tether your “There’s a bright golden explains why you sent ing. Hello...? Hello...? understanding, sympa- the new TV remote to probation officer makes haze on the meadow ...” your life’s savings to a thy and trust abound- notice. you wear. Sadly, the haze is a toxic Somalian prince who ing.” Oh, wait. That’s in plume spewing from a just needed a little cash the alternative universe. tanker that just crashed while waiting for his bil- Here, it’s the same ol’ on the other side of the lion-dollar inheritance. crap. meadow. Capricorn Taurus Prepare for some dis- Today is a time of new Cancer appointing news. It turns beginnings. Avoid the Most of the time, your out that Angelina Jolie same old routines. Sim- paranoia is completely Scorpio really isn’t leaving Brad Pisces plify your life by getting irrational and unfound- Virgo Remember that little for you. It’s time to brush up rid of clutter. Invite that ed. Today is different. There is an odd and fib you told on your on your Homer Simp- www.lansingoldnewsboys.org creepy neighbor over for The Feds are on to you.

Load more