THE BROKEN WRECKORD Volume: We Dont Know Issue: We Just Don’t Care The Pingry School, Basking Ridge, New Jersey October 2019 “Student Wellness” Killing Pingry Culture Additional News tone of Pingry, but times are chang- rt time. Students reveled in the Senior Citizens Mistake the BAC for Local Costco By LILY ARROM (V) ing. The infectious philosophy of sheer thought of an extra twenty Ian Dugan ‘19 Removed from the Buttondowns Cine- “student wellness” is sweeping minutes of sleep, only to then stop matic Universe, Fans Outraged With recent changes in adminis- across the nation, and has finally and ponder: “Why does the admin- tration, Pingry’s identity has been reached Pingry’s doorstep. istration suddenly care about us? I Overly-Progressive Production of Rent Pushes Drama on the minds of many lately. To For those who are unaware, the thought that wasn’t their job?” The Department Back to Basics with Our Town the outside world, Pingry is tout- downward spiral into softness all beginning of the end had arrived, Wreckord Writers Begin to Feel Guilty About Mock- ed as a school of excellence and began about a year ago with the and life would never be the same. ing Lack of Air-conditioning, It’s Just Sad Now honor, founded by the pious Dr. SAGE Dining upgrade. The pasta 2019 has now begun, and John Pingry and upheld by the stu- became properly cooked, panini slightly better rested students are BAC Dumbbells Mysteriously Go Missing During Pa- dent-drafted Honor Code. Howev- press technology was enhanced, beginning to notice more and more jama Day Pillow Fight er, deep in the collective heart of and Korean rice bowls became flagrant amenities. One particu- Mr. Levinson Seen Exiting Faculty Bathroom With the community, everyone knows plentiful. This trend of comfort larly unsettling sight is that of the Red Eyes After Dramatic Shut-Down By Jessica Yat- this is merely a front. Instead, it’s continued into the winter, which newly renovated freshman area, no vitzky (V) During the Fall Awards all about the Pingry grind. Sad re- featured so many snow days and longer the dark pit of candy wrap- Science Department Feuds Over Whether or not alities like sleepless nights and un- delays (partly thanks to Governor pers and human suffering it was al- Crocs are Lab-Safe, Closed-Toe Shoes bearably hot classrooms are Pingry Murphy and his beloved “state of ways meant to be. Such coddling is staples near and dear to everyone emergency” button), which were already warping the minds of Form Mr. Fahey Excited to Roll Out the Miller Bugliari ‘52 who walks these labyrinthine halls. exorbitant even by private school III, convincing them that not only All-Campus Mosquito Net And, like a great many things in standards. Some may have seen are they deserving of basic human Storm Area 51 HOCO Party Just as Confusing and life, none of these problems exist this development as a mere sea- rights, but also of luxuries like a Disappointing as the Raid Itself unless people whine about them. sonal blip, but such an assumption plant wall. After all, there is no greater mark Brian Li (VI) Passes Out Laughing at his own Joke: could not have been further from Even some of the most basic Luckily, a Brave CPR Racer, Sankar Gollapudi (IV), of honor in our community than the truth. Spring arrived, and Ms. hardships like the early Autumn Comes to the Rescue that of the fewest hours slept or the Chatterji walked onto the Hauser heat are slowly being combated, most sadistic course choices (all of stage to deliver what is now called what with Mr. Levinson’s constant which should be made very clear to “the morning meeting announce- relaxations of the dress code for the surrounding community). Suf- ment heard ‘round the world”: the the sake of comfort. A new HIRT Table Of Contents fering has always been the corners- infamous reveal of an 8:30 AM sta- study has made a grim predic- tion of what Pingry will become Trick-or-Treating Tips ...... 2 in the next ten years of Levinson administration, summing it up as TikTok Survival Guide ...... 3 “year-round shorts, optional finals, and administration transparency; Conversation with Marsico ...... 4 overall anarchy.” So beware, Pin- gry students, as the time-honored tradition of complaining is being Fweshman Commons...... 5 ripped away from us. Pingry is no longer the hardcore institution it Broken Wreckord iRT ...... 6 once was, and if Dr. John Pingry could see us now he would surely Finn’s Doggy Diaries ...... 7 be disappointed. Fall Sports Photography...... 8 Since when were these young children (III, ew) allowed to be happy?

By ASHLEY PROVOOST (IV) Steal Their Looks Pt. 1: Math Department Edition and SAM WEXLER (IV) 2 The Broken Wreckord Trick-or-Treating Tips for the Aging Adolescent Objects in the Hall steal it before you even but it’s a real shame just how By LILY ARROM (V) for you to move on and find a new, significantly spookier ring a single doorbell. But sensitive it makes us to the With a chill in the air and clique. with your Pingry intellect injustices of the real world. Speak Out: a sense of spookiness set- Dress for Success and BAC workouts, you It may be scary, but remem- tling upon the Pingry com- When you go up to a can come out on top. Do ber: there is no Honor Code What are your thoughts munity, it’s clear that Hal- stranger’s doorstep begging some high-school lev- in the cold, hard streets of loween is on its way. With for candy, it’s crucial that el research and plan out suburbia. It’s the wild west on the impeachment the season comes the annu- you appear to have given the most efficient routes, out there, which is certain- al question: to trick-or-treat an effort. This is especially especially in upscale ly no place for such a frilly or not to trick-or-treat? The important as you approach neighborhoods teeming way of life. If an unattended inquiry? hustle and bustle of Pingry young adulthood, because with king-sized bars. Also bowl of candy asks that you life typically makes it too the older you are, the high- consider the benefit of merely “take two,” is there easy to forego festivities for er standards people will joining some of Pingry’s a test proctor present to en- the sake of homework and hold for your outfit. In other fall teams. Cross country force this? An honor pledge after-school practices, but words, you’re going to need could help you improve to sign, corroborating your this year there is no excuse. law-abiding nature? No. Did November 1st has been de- you have nothing more than clared a faculty-in-service a SAGE-provided poptart day, ready to cushion you for breakfast today? Yes. and your sugar-induced You deserve that extra can- hangover. There is no bet- dy and you know it. On the ter time to get back into the topic of self-care, it’s also trick-or-treating circuit, but a great idea to let out that Abandoned Peach Tea: for some this may be a dif- pent-up stress with some fun Im-PEACH-ment? I LOVE giving people the ficult transition. But worry pranks. Stock up on toilet gift of peachy flavor! I wish I could impeach not, dear reader, because paper and Pingry-sourced everyone! you’re about to learn some chicken eggs so you can helpful tips from an indus- give your favorite teachers try expert. a lovely house makeover. Lose the Shame, Get in You athletes out there could the Game also impress your baseball If you think you’re too to fully commit to a decent your endurance for the coach’s mailbox with some cool to go trick-or-treating costume whether you like it night, or perhaps foot- pre-pre-season batting prac- at the ripe old age of 17, or not. This roadblock gives ball is more your speed tice. What are your teachers then it’s time to get over you two options: actually if you prefer to trample going to do, clean up their yourself. Sure, some people have a good costume, or just the competition. The fall mess of a house the next may see trick-or-treating as wear a mask and try to pass play could even be useful morning? Of course not, Wastebins: “uncool”, but frankly there as a fifth grader. The bar can if you really want to get they’ve got a faculty in-ser- Uhh, we think it’s a waste of time is nothing uncool about free be lowered a little bit with into character and win the vice day to get to. You don’t. honestly. We like a man who’s will- candy. Free food is what group costumes though, as hearts of every household ing to get his hands a little dirty. drives the student body coordinating with others is you come upon. Flattery is Pictured: Lily Arrom (V), anyway, so why should a recognizable effort within a fantastic way to get extra Doctor of Tricks and Treats, Halloween be any differ- itself. candy if you’re willing to dons her academic regalia. ent? It’s just like the club Strategize and Dominate act the part. fair, minus the spreadsheets The unsophisticated may Get Naughty and empty promises. Trick- see your age as something to British writer C.S. Lewis or-treating should also be make fun of, but remember once said that “Integrity is a social experience, so be that your age actually brings doing the right thing even sure to bring your friends you plenty of advantages. when no one is watching,” along for the ride. Just be Candy comes in limited though it’s too bad that advised that, if they turn supply, and swarms of small “integrity” doesn’t really you down, it is likely time children will be ready to exist. Pingry has its perks, Staff Editors-in-Chief Layout Editors Josie Alston & Cal Mahoney & Chris Ticas Pensive Skeletons: Lily Arrom What has this nation come to? Faculty Advisors Assistant Editor Dr. Megan Jones & Cal Mahoney Mrs. Meghan Finegan

Queen Elizabeth Cutout: You had this coming, filthy colonists. Miss me yet? The Broken Wreckord 3 Josie’s Declassified School Survival Guide: Dear Wreckord TikTokker Edition Writers*,

By JOSIE ALSTON (V) What’s Your Pingry

The popularity of TikTok has contrib- Horror Story? uted to the Pingry community in many “A three-year-old sneezed in my mouth” - Emerson substantial ways, some of which I’m Lubke (V) sure are not necessarily negative. The self-esteem of our once desolate and “On the first day of school of Sophmore year, I ac- nihilist generation is no longer danger- cidentally took someone else’s backpack to class; ously low. However, sophomore and they looked identical. I had to drop the backpack off freshman egos are too high for comfort. where I found it, and wait for the other person to do I am fed up. And kind of intimidated. the same. I retrieved mine at the end of the day.” - I have decided that it is high time to Guan Liang (V) shine a light on what is objectively the WORST consequence of TikTok, other “I had a nightmare that Pingry’s best faculty were than E-People: hallways have become either retiring or getting fired. Come to think of it, filming studios. Have you, like me, ever I don’t remember waking up...” - Noah Bergam (V) tried desperately to navigate the space between the chem and physics wings “Probably getting an Alert Memo on my first test in through hordes of sophomores way tall- high school. Really set the bar high for me.” - Sam er and more athletic than you? I know Step 2: Approach the TikTokker. Walk quickly and with purpose. Bend your Wexler (IV) you have. It is, unfortunately, a neces- knees at a 90-degree angle, landing each step with a loud thump to accentuate your sary evil. As a vertically challenged presence. “In Drama class last year we were rehearsing for our person (or VCP as we call ourselves in Step 3: Get the TikTokker’s attention. The stomping didn’t work. They don’t care neo-futurist production and I was supposed to roll the community), not only have I had to about your existence. They spit on peasant scum like you. To get their attention, around on the floor James Bond style for a scene wade through tsunamis of six-foot-sev- scream “BILLIE EILISH ISN’T EVEN THAT GOOD!” How dare anyone speak called Mission Menstruation. Every time we re- en lax bros, but this year I’ve had the ill of Queen B? hearsed I was wearing a dress or skirt and I got tired added inconvenience of feeling obligat- Step 4: Confuse the TikTokker. Now that you’ve been blessed by the TikTokker’s of not rehearsing fully so I could try to maintain my ed to wait politely while so-called mus- gaze, make random spasmodic movements. TikTokkers don’t understand motion modesty; One day, I decided enough was enough. I ers TikTokkers feed their twenty-five unless it’s pre-choreographed. did a big ROLL and flashed my whole class. Every- followers with endless content consist- Step 5: Insult the TikTokker. Exploit vulnerabilities. The worst thing a TikTokker one saw my whole naked back.” - Josie Alston (V) ing of them dancing the same dance to can be called is a Muser. Remind them that their beloved app was once Musically, the same overplayed song time after infested by the likes of Jacob Sartorious, Matty B, and Baby . You’ll know “We’ve all heard them, early in the morning, shroud- time until they get it right. Well, suffer you’re successful if “In My Blood” by Shawn Mendes starts playing quietly as the ed in fog-- the frantic sounds of Finn, chasing thou- no longer, for I have devised an Eight TikTokker sorrowfully lipsyncs along. sands of honking geese across the distant fields. There Step Survival Guide™ for you, the read- Step 6: Fight the TikTokker. Now that you’ve verbally accosted them, the Tik- have never been geese on the Pingry campus. What er, to educate yourself on how to survive Tokker will step towards you, rhythmically of course. Use this predictability to your does he do all day? What mysteries lie hidden beneath the halls in the era of TikTok. advantage. When they prepare to hit the woah, kick them right before they catch that black and white fur?” - Natalie DeVito (IV) Step 1: Identify the TikTokker. You it. When they Git Up, hit down. Make sure you leave your TikTokker crying real should do this from about ten me- fake tears. “Being in the Friday night performance of Peter and ters away. They are easily detected by Step 7: Distract the TikTokker. As the TikTokker does that weird thing where they the Starcatcher last year and watching it go off the non-dresscode skirts and the fact that shield their eyes with one hand to be “cute” and “shy,” grab their hydroflask and rails just because of some flickering house lights. Te- they’re clearly way prettier than you. throw it down the hall. The TikTokker will no doubt run after their precious. What chies did nothing wrong though <3.” - Lily Arrom (V) You should be afraid. What makes them will happen to the turtles? most dangerous is that they know it. Step 8: Run. Congratulations. You survived. “The first day of sophomore year, I thought it’d be cool to get ahead of everything and see my bio teach- Steal Their Looks er. I managed to get up and trip over one of those stu- pid loud metal chairs; it was only then when everyone was looking at me that I tripped over someone’s bag Pt. 2: and fell down face first. That’s about accurate of how Math Department sophomore year is going.” - Ashleigh Provoost (IV) “I bought this low-quality prison jumpsuit off of Am- Edition azon for my homecoming costume. It was a big hit, but halfway through the night I boogied a little too By ASHLEY PROVOOST (IV) and hard and one of the buttons popped off - the farthest SAM WEXLER (IV) one down, right by my crotch. Ms. Mygas had to give me a bright red novelty pin to keep the costume to- gether for the rest of the night.” - Cal Mahoney (V)

“I don’t remember much, but here’s what I do know: last year, I saw Andrew Cowen (‘19) running down *plus Emerson because his response was the hall shirtless. I made eye contact, and I swear I fell really good even though he didn’t write any- into a state of catatonia for the following couple of thing else for us >:( minutes. My soul left my body, and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to see that hallway the same ever again. **Well, Chris, not everyone is so lucky. Sends a shiver down my spine just thinking about it.” - Diana Severineau (IV)

“Easy— don’t have one :)” - Chris Ticas (V)** 4 The Broken Wreckord A Conversation with Jonathan Marsico — Pingry Lifestyle Guru

By CAL MAHONEY (V) with Emotional Support from GUAN LIANG (V)

Recently, I had one of the greatest privileges imagin- able. I had a conversation with Jonathan Marsico (V). I had originally approached Jonathan about three weeks ago, during the initial planning period for The Wreckord, and asked if he wanted to write an advice column for the upcoming issue- he denied this request. “I want to be interviewed,” he demanded, both AirPods still blaring. I reluctantly agreed. Let me set the scene. That ambigu- ous, out of place math classroom, language wing, 9:50 am.

I could hear the JuiceWRLD before I opened the door. He was seated in the corner of the room, which smelled pungently of Old Spice, feet on the table. “Mr. Marsico,” I greeted him. Before I could finish, he interjected with CM: This is a math question from the 2017 ACT. What a “wait, wait, wait,” pulling out a hairbrush and fixing his luscious locks. Several seconds go by of silent brushing. is your answer? Then, “I’m ready.” JM: I have absolutely no ******* idea. To make sure that the interview didn’t go completely off CM: Do you want to attempt it? the rails, I had drafted a series of deep, personal, intimate JM: No. questions to ask Jonathan. It was finally happening. We’d all get the answers we’d been searching for. A warning to all of CM: How far in debt are you? you readers; the journey into the mind of Mr. Marsico is not JM: I owe Kate (Overdeck, V) ten dollars. for the faint-of-heart. It is long, tough, and may evoke tears. CM: Do you think you could owe people more money than you remember? CM: What is your current relationship status? JM: No. JM: ...Single. I’m currently in the process of… locking CM: Well, I’ve actually pulled my financial records from fresh- something down. man year, and it appears you owe me $254.63. What is your re- CM: Something? Or someone? sponse to that? JM: No comment. JM: I don’t think anything is ever going to come of that. CM: So what do you think your actual debt is? CM: I’ve noticed, Mr. Marsico, that you stay incredibly fit. JM: Ten dollars. I’m sure our readers are dying to know what your workout CM: How many combs do you and health regimen is. Could you share some tips with us? have? JM: I’m on a carb-free diet. I eat mostly sugar, in the form of JM: It is a brush, not a comb, DISCLAIMER: Neither The Broken Wreckord crispy M&Ms. Almost nothing else. I’m also on that PM fit- it is a brush, and I have three nor any of The Broken Wreckord enterprises do ness grind. Sometimes, I like to do some leg presses or squats of them. And they’re all special not encourage the diet disclosed. Please do not because fencing ‘szn’ is about to start and you gotta get those and different and I need them. follow it; your life will descend into chaos. gains. CM: What part of a woman is CM: What do you think your dream job is? most important to you? JM: I actually don’t have a dream job. I have a dream place to be, which basically means that I will have a stable JM: I feel like we all know the answer to that, loud and clear. flow of income that happens to be VERY high while also doing the least amount of work possible. That is the ideal There is no argument. situation. CM: Could you elaborate? What’s your answer? CM: Could- could you imagine an occupation? JM: I think, I think if I had twelve points…. JM: Well...I mean...if I’m actually doing work, then it wouldn’t be a success. I’ll explain his drawing: If given twelve points, he split them This next segment of the interview I called “Rating Male Celebrities.” The results have been organized here for into three categories: “Cake,” “Top,” and “Personality,” which your viewing ease. After we finished the ratings, I asked Jonathan where he felt that he stood in comparison to he respectivey ranked a 6, 2, and 4. After he drew said incred- these men: ibly misogynistic diagram that probably set back the feminist JM: I am younger than them, so I will die after them. That’s my main advantage: my youth. I’m also better at movement three years, I was really reaching my limit of how Minecraft than them. But, they do have mad [women] and sizeably more money than I do. much Marisco I could handle.

CM: Okay, Jonathan. We’re running out of time, and I’m run- I felt at this point as though the inter- ning out of brain cells. If you could say one thing to the student view had been pretty surface level, and body, what would it be? really wanted to delve deeper into the JM: ...Don’t meme on me. And always stay on the grind. You mind of Jonathan Marsico. I wanted to might take some ‘L’s, but it doesn’t stand for loss. It stands for see how someone of his caliber thought ‘learning experience.’...Don’t take those Ls to heart. No matter about things, interpreted things, viewed what the case, when life just keeps chucking Ls at you and it the world. But I had also been in a room doesn’t stop, just know that every L makes you a little bit smart- with Jonathan Marsico for nearly 40 er, and every L teaches you something. Just because you hav- minutes. It was time for the speed round. en’t caught the W yet, doesn’t mean you don’t have something extremely valuable. CM: Mint or mango? CM: ……...Thank you. JM: Mint is nasty, so I’d have to go with mango. Well, there you have it, folks. I sat down with Jonathan Mar- sico so you didn’t have to. And I have to say, I truly learned CM: What level membean are you? some things about myself, about what really matters in life; the JM: 2. outside. I hope that you’ve all taken something away from this too; most importantly, what really goes on in the head of one of Pingry’s most elusive and wise students. The Broken Wreckord 5 The Fweshman Commons To the wittle babies in ouw audience: gwab youw cwayons! It’s time to get cweative! Hewe awe some of ouw intewactive pieces to captuwe youw wittle fweshman attention spans.

By DIANA SEVERINEAU (IV)

and ASHLEY PROVOOST (IV)

13. AIRPODS 13. 15.KNUCKLES

10. TREM 10. VINES VINEYARD 12.

8. BRIAN 8. 11. AC 11.

7. LUNCH 7. 9. HIRT 9.

5. JUUL 5. CLUB JOURNAL 6.

3. EXCELLENCE 3. 4. BUGLIARI 4.

2. BIRKENSTOCK 2. MEMBEAN 1.

Down: Across:

By LILY ARROM (V)

How to Drop a Class

Dear ______, teacher

After I spent countless ______thinking about it, I plural unit of time ______must inform you that I am dropping your ______adverb subject class. It was a/an ______ride while it lasted, but alas, I can adjective

no longer handle it. The sheer amount of ______unpleasant noun I’ve had to go through for a ______% average is criminal. I really # between 0-100 need to focus on my ______studies right now, and staying noun in your class would require me to ______. I do not want verb this to happen, it would be ______. adjective

See Ya,

______your name “The Duality of Bear” “Mr. Levinson’s Mind”

Coloring! By MIA SHUM (V) 6 BWiRT: Broken Wreckord independent Research Team Wreckord Investigates: Matt Levinson allegedly robot— has exactly The Keating Khronicles three confirmed blinks since convocation

By ANEESH KARUPPUR (V) simply overheard it in the fac- By CHRIS TICAS (V) ulty lounge, which initially When students walked into seemed to be a plausible ex- Matt Levinson, our class one sprightly October cuse. However, he then urged new headmaster “head of morning for their first period our reporters to turn out their school”, has been a sta- American Literature class pockets in order to prove that ple in our community for with Mr. Keating, they as- no bike reflectors or locks had a few months now. What sumed that it would just be a been pilfered from the pile you probably haven’t no- normal class. All was well un- of papers on his desk. This ticed, though, is that he til Mr. Keating failed to show English teacher clearly had doesn’t blink-- ever. The up by 8:30 AM. something to hide. Broken Wreckord started At first, the students were Further evidence of Mr. collecting data on the new fairly unconcerned by it, and Keating’s double life as an staff at our school after be- figured that Mr. Keating was intelligence agent includes ing tipped off by a cryptic probably braving the horrors his ability to change clothes message, which we were students have also ex- an anti-bot CAPTCHA before giving up and retiring of Hades (Princeton, New before anyone notices. Mr. able to trace back to the pressed skepticism about next to an outlet in the corner of his office Mr. Levin- Jersey) on his bike; he would Keating has been spotted history office via its IP the humanity of other new son or other androids, ahem, teachers, please con- have to show up eventual- wearing his signature blue address. The message was staff members “maybe tact us at 01001101 01001100 00111101 01110010 ly. Besides the one kid who pants after a workout, but written in binary, however, it’s an SiRT (Secret Inde- 01101111 01100010 01101111 01110100. really wanted to criticize then has magically reap- we used the brilliant mind pendent Research Team) Ralph Waldo Emerson that peared in a spotless, sweat- of Certified Genius™Bri- project. I believe these day, nobody gave Mr. Keat- free suit for his English class- an Li (VI) to translate. It new staff members are ing’s absence much thought. es. His clothing has also been read as follows: “Levin- running off of an extreme- All the juniors went back to known to suddenly transform son. Never. Blinks. Not. ly advanced artificial the cafeteria to avoid doing from a dress shirt and slacks Human.” Upon receiving intelligence software.” A Bold Pingry Take on any actual work, only then to into a tight biking suit. this anonymous tip, the We consulted Aneesh complain about the amount of Inside sources at the gov- Broken Wreckord inde- Karuppur, Quizbowl and Maslow’s Hierarchy of said work. ernment revealed that Special pendent Research Team IRT extraordinaire, with What nobody realized was Counsel Robert Muller and (BWiRT) began keeping questions about a possi- that Mr. Keating was actual- his assistant, Andrew Gold- a close eye on Mr. Levin- ble “SiRT” project— after Needs ly in Virginia, advising vari- stein ‘92, took classes from son, eventually witnessing which he ran away swiftly, By NATALIE DEVITO (IV) ous government intelligence Mr. Keating in interrogating him blink for the first time without comment. Anoth- agencies on the optimization people using Mr. Keating’s during his Convocation er student suggested that of spy missions. In between signature technique. First, speech. The second blink “the mechanical work discussion about how won- he waits for you to come ask was reported by a terri- could have been done by derful The Great Gatsby is, him about your essay, and fied freshman who saw it the robotics team.” Since Mr. Keating provided details then bam - you’re suddenly briefly after an accidental then, we have undoubt- on how to collect confidential arguing about whether or not glimpse into the board- edly confirmed that the information from other gov- that movie you saw was ac- room. Our current data electronics behind each of ernments, assume multiple tually any good. Government set extends until October the new staff members are personas, and infiltrate enemy officials said off the record 15th, when we saw him far too good to have been bases. that Mr. Keating exemplified blink for the third— and masterminded by the Pin- The Wreckord’s investi- this patented technique while possibly final— time. gry Robotics Team. gative reporting found that, teaching the class to the FBI’s Since his first appearance under his pile of fourteen dif- top lawyers, veering random- at Convocation, we have ferent pairs of biking shoes, ly into a discussion about his seen a number of odd Mr. Keating hides a journal college days and how rebel- behaviors, including but of important observations in lious of a whippersnapper he not limited to infrequent order to keep his skills sharp. once was. blinking, prolonged eye An unnamed reporter dis- After managing to extricate contact, and recurring dis- By Natalie DeVito (IV) tracted Mr. Keating outside themselves from yet another appearances from school the faculty lounge while an- four-hour discussion about grounds. We believe that After a series of intense conferences with AP Psy- other copied down some very random topics, The Wreck- Mr. Levinson is pro- chology students and hours of meticulous interviews, insightful and fascinating ord reporters were confident grammed to be afraid of we at The Wreckord have attempted to outline the hi- observations from the note- that Mr. Keating has some both human contact and erarchy of a Pingry student’s needs. We learned about book. These findings include connections, and that Pingry taking pictures— this fear, needs of all kinds, ranging from the primal necessity shocking and scandalous bits students better watch their we assume, is meant to for dean-provided order, all the way up to the enlight- of information, such as “Why mouths. Especially those ir- better mask his non-hu- ening self-fulfillment found in generous grading and do the freshmen keep com- ritating freshmen who make man qualities and preserve Ivy League merchandise. We intend this graphic to be plaining about one-page es- it impossible to ask questions his identity. A source, who a valuable resource, and we hope it will initiate some says?”, “How many boxes of about an essay. has decided to remain We went to Mr. Levin- courageous conversations. leftover advisory donuts does anonymous, also stated son’s office to take a it take for the freshmen to that they “saw Mr. Levin- statement, where we were *Don’t know what this is? Try and read the Big Blue notice how gross they are?”, son plugging himself into greeted by his secretary, Bulletin for once, coward (unless EEE already got to and “Why didn’t they let me the electric car charger.” who said Mr. Levinson your brain...). put Venus flytraps in the plant Although this statement was busy “recharging” af- wall to eat these annoying has yet to be confirmed, ter an overwhelming day. buggers?” When confronted it is plausible and strongly One of our reporters even with this information, Mr. Found in the freshman commons. supported by our prior re- caught a glimpse of Mr. Keating insisted that he had search. Upper School Levinson trying to get The Broken Wreckord 7 Finn’s Doggy Thanksgiving Horoscopes Which First Thanksgiving Favorite Are You Diaries Based on Your Zodiac Sign?

By FINN THE DOG Manifested By Legendary Astrologer Translated By ANJALI JOSIE ALSTON (V) KAPOOR (VI) and ASHNA KUMAR (VI) admit it. around this special time of fall we’re all wondering the same thing: if i were present at the first thanksgiving, which iconic staple would i be? well, look I hid under the bleachers and no further, for i have summoned the stars and the spirits surveyed my surroundings wait- of Buzzfeed to deliver the most accurate answer to your ing for the perfect opportunity questions based on your zodiac sign. thank me later. to strike. The hoomans were too busy eating and gossiping about the latest scandal at the food Aries: March 21 - April 20 tent…all you need is a couple waterfowl. bc u r foul. yuck. trays of pasta. So easy to manipu- late! Meanwhile, all of the small- er hoomans were huddled on the Taurus: April 21 - May 21 bleachers above… an opportu- fruit. congrats on having a stable nity to instagram their white-out diet. i despise you. themed outfits, of course. And the Big Blue (Ugly) Bear… all alone... meandering through the Gemini: May 22 - June 21 parking lot… and directly across berries. but the poisonous kind bc u r toxic. my line of vision! Check, check, seeing his face everywhere. On I was about to pounce and fin- and CHECK! My plan was work- the walls of the gym. On the backs ish the deed when suddenly, ing flawlessly. This was almost of T-shirts. On the Pingry Insta- he began pawing at his head. Cancer: June 22 - July 22 too easy. When the students burst gram! He was stealing my spot- Then, his head came entirely off! venison. those deer had it coming. out laughing as the other team light, and I wasn’t going to have it. “Wait, no, please, have mercy!” he scored yet another touchdown, For the next several months I cried out. Big Blue WAS A HU- I see my golden opportunity. tracked his every move. I traced MAN?! I took a few steps back. I Leo: July 23 - August 23 Let me explain. I used to be the his scent, which vaguely re- did not see this coming. Big Blue pumpkin. ur insides r ugly. school’s hot-shot, the goodest boi sembled a boys’ locker room. was just a boy! A small blonde ever. When I first arrived, kids I followed his trail of blue fur. weeb! Ha! He posed no threat. from all over Pingry visited me Strangely though, it seemed like This was still my animal kingdom. Virgo: August 24 - September 22 just to give pets and belly rubs or he went into closets and didn’t With the bear finally out of squanto. take my picture. I even had sou- come out of them for months! my way, I began thinking…why venirs in the bookstore with my I wondered what he was doing stop at being the school’s mas- face on it! I was an A-list celeb- in there. Whenever he did come cot? Why, maybe I should be the Libra: September 23 - October 23 rity around here. But when home- out, it was just in time for big school’s president and take down ham. peppa is quaking. coming rolled around, I noticed school events…how convenient! that caricature Brian Li once and a giant blue fuzzy bear strutting He was clearly trying to steal all for all. No, I should be the HEAD- around with his chest puffed out the attention and paparazzi when MASTER! And imagine, not just Scorpio: October 24 - November 22 like he owned the place. — on my it mattered. Finally, I decided my face on t-shirts… but a stat- lobster. we get it you’re bougie. turf! The audacity! I know I don’t I would strike at Friday Night ue! Of me! It could replace the your parents take you to europe have blue fur, but I’m way cuter Lights, when I knew he’d be out random hooman statue they have every summer woww than him! Furious, I gave him my of hiding. When all the hoomans out front! And what if… what if best growl and bared my teeth were distracted, I ran full speed I renamed the school FINNgry! — but he paid me no attention! after the Big Blue Bear, just like I Wow. Just imagine. I’ve already Sagittarius: November 23 - December 21 How rude! All the hoomans did while training with the geese. begun plotting on how to take clams. bc ur slimy and u smell. swarmed around him to give him When he saw me running, he im- down this new guy...so watch a hug and get a picture, leaving me mediately took off in the opposite out Mr. Levinson, I’m onto you! with no rubs OR pets. That was direction, though his face didn’t Capricorn: December 22 - January 20 the final straw. This meant war. look scared. Weird. I chased squash. it’s not a sport. take that There could only be one animal him right into the soccer stor- Buggleeore mascot at this school and it was age shed and had him cornered. going to be ME! Soon, I began Aquarius: January 21 - February 18 turkey. the biggest con of them all.

Pisces: February 19 - March 20 william bradford. reconcile that.

Left: Cool pic of me taking over the world. Follow me on Instagram. 8 The Broken Wreckord Fall Sports Photography

By ANONYMOUS

We passed the ball 20 seconds ago, Coach Bugliari! QB: I wonder if this is gonna be an incomplete It’s over here now! Could your eyes please move just pass or a pick? Either way, we’re not crossing a little faster than your legs? the 50 yards line tonight lol.

Is it just me, or do the sunglasses “Speaking of great football players… make the coaches look like the FBI? Aneesh Karuppur Form V”

Photographer: Aww you’re so lonely :(. Let me ac- Where’s the camera? WHERE’s the CAMERA?! knowledge you by taking a picture in your direction Oh, there it is. Hey gorgeous, wanna grab a coffee where literally nothing is happening. with me *wink wink* *finger guns* ;). Gosh, I’m smoooooooth~~~