When You Feel Grief's Emotions

When You Feel Grief’s Emotions Understanding Your Journey Through Grief

ereavement is one of the most common yet least understood experiences of life. You are B probably discovering that grief is really a collision of all the emotions and feelings you can imagine. Sometimes, it seems that sorrow, joy, anger, guilt, fear, loneliness, and worry are all clamoring for your attention at once! Life seems to have disintegrated for you, perhaps, and you may think that you are literally losing your mind! After the numbness and initial shock begin to wear off, life may seem like it is falling apart. Perhaps you feel like you are in a fog or performing like a robot. These are some of the reasons most experts advise grieving people to avoid making major life decisions like selling your home or changing jobs in the first year or so of bereavement. You may feel anger now, an emotion experienced by most grieving people during their bereavement. Maybe your anger is directed at the doctors—“They should have done more.” Perhaps it is directed at God—“If he really cared for me, this Unexpected storms often would not have happened.” You may find your produce the most fabulous anger is even directed at your loved-one who died— “How could she/he just abandon me like this?” rainbows Though some people say that anger is wrong, it is a real part of the grief process, experienced by people you now carry. If you fear for your safety while in from all ethnic backgrounds, cultures, and religious your home, check that the locks are in good, perspectives. working order and perhaps have a knowledgeable friend or professional make a home security Guilt can also be particularly strong during grief. assessment. When you find yourself afraid you will Guilt invades when we perceive that we have done get sick, a common fear for people who have cared something wrong or failed to do something right. for a terminally ill loved one, talk to your doctor You know the feeling: “If I had insisted she go to the about a thorough physical exam. doctor earlier. . .” or “If only I had been home, I could have called the paramedics.” Loneliness is perhaps the most persistent of the emotions of grief, tending to catch us when we least When you feel yourself sinking into the hopeless expect it. But remember that hearing a favorite song quicksand of “what ifs” and “if only's,” you might or smelling the aroma of a familiar food will become find it helpful to write an imaginary “letter” of the means by which you recall pleasant memories of apology to the person who died, asking for his or her life with your loved one. forgiveness. Recalling memories— the months and years you had together—may also help you put the Along with what seems to be unending sadness, guilt-producing events in the context of your entire these emotions and several dozen others are often relationship. experienced as part of the grief process. But remember that every person experiences grief Fear often breaks through in bereavement, too. somewhat differently, and there are no timetables or You may fear what is unknown about the future, the chronological stages through which you must changes in relationships, or the new responsibilities “progress.” Remember that the grief you now feel is the normal, natural response to a major loss in your Unexpected storms often produce the most fabulous life. rainbows. Unintended detours can introduce you to incredible vistas you would never otherwise have Your loved one played many different roles seen. Even being forced to slow down on this in your life, perhaps including breadwinner, journey can give you time for looking inside gardener, cook, mechanic, and maid. He or she was yourself and reevaluating what you really treasure in perhaps your confidant, life's companion, and best life. friend. That means your grief is different from that of anyone else's, even if they did experience a Life is different now, and it promises many more "similar" loss. So don't be afraid to express your changes in the months and years ahead. There is life grief your way. beyond loss! Positive change and personal growth can be yours, even when you must say good-bye and

feel grief’s emotions. Where Do I Go From Here? You may be struggling with timetables, wondering how long this will take. The fact is the loss of a loved one is never something you “just get over.” Your life was profoundly impacted by this person's life, and now your life has been profoundly changed by his or her death. This article was written by William G. Hoy. A nationally- known educator and counselor in the field of bereavement, Participating in a support group with other Dr. Hoy oversaw the clinical counseling program at bereaved people can be a very healing experience. Pathways Volunteer Hospice until his recent appointment to the Medical Humanities faculty at Baylor University. You may also want to consider seeking the counsel Copyright ©2013, 1998 by GriefConnect, Inc. All rights of a physician, member of the clergy, or therapist. reserved. The objectivity and “listening ear” such a person provides can help you immeasurably. Photo Copyright ©2005 by Daniel Speck, available from Often, the journey through grief presents www.freestockphoto.com. Used by permission. All rights opportunities you would never have otherwise seen. reserved. And that’s the best part of traveling on this journey.

Provided as a community and family service by