Rabbi Tendler Quits, Dr
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Rabbi Tendler Quits, Dr. Peter Singer to Head Departmentof Ethics BY DR, JACK KEVORKIAN lasted three minutes, the University has hired controversial After coming to the realization Princeton ethicist and child-hating that Judaism is all a hoax and that Australian with a chemical imbal people only register for his shuir ance, Dr. Peter Singer to head the because they don't need to show Department. Yeshiva President 'Rabbi' Norman Lamm, Presenting Dr. Norman up, Rabbi Dr. Moshe Tendler (now In the tradition of all RIETS heads, Singer will now take on the Lamm with the annual 'Rabbi' Dr. Norman Lamm Honorary Award known as Cardinal John McKinny) quit his post as Head of the title of Rabbi Dr. Peter Singer. 'Rabbi Lamm, and 'Rabbi' Lamm looked on. Biology and Ethics Department at Singer's first order of business was Yeshiva University, instead choos- to murder all retarded Yeshiva stu ========================-Iing to hit the road as a Christian dents and administrators, (funeral (OMMfNTATOR Missionary and door-to-door Bible services for one stupid facilities Salesman. After an extended head will be held at an undisclosed Confl•scates search for a new Professor that location). The four remaining Sy Syms students immediately trans Administrators ferred to Yeshiva College. Singer BY KAREN ARENSON they were hutzpadik has recently introduced several According to Goddess of Judaic new courses into the required cur A recent Confiscator probe has Studies Shirley Auslander (a.k.a. riculum, including "Infanticide and You," "How To Perform Third probed and learned that board "Big Daddy"), "I was talking it up members of The Commentator with my boys and the next thing I Semester Abortions with a Hanger in Under Three Minutes," and "Why have been allegedly removing know Rabbi Schmidman was gone. are Smarter than Rabbi ing guitar in Kansas City, was heard administrators from their respec-· I thought he was just looking for Chickens Tendler." by a baby boomer to have said that tive campus locations. The admin his marbles, but he never came Singer "is beyond the pale of istrators, who are the sol� property back." One student who was asked 'Rabbi' Dr. Norman Lamm, President of Yeshiva and one of Christianity. Jesus will strike him of Yeshiva University and have how Schmidman's disappearance down like he smote the evil been missing for months, were woul_d affect his life, replied, "I just -Singer's most avid followers, said, "We are proud that Peter has joined Hesrodites of Bethlehem." found thi,s week in a restricted hope I don't trip on his marbles." To which Singer responded, Ms. Gladys Chemin, Champion our staff and murdered most of our Facilities storage room on the "well "What a kook! I just want to kill below Sea" level of Belfer Hall, Thoroughbred to the Centenarian students. It's about time a professor senseless babies and Syms guys. I chained in leather to New York President, said, "'Rabbi' Sham's dis takes a stand against stupidity. I Times vending machines. appearance will have no effect on might not be Mell, but I am Mell." challenge anyone to debate me on Sheldon "Augusto Pinochet" the Jewish community whatsoever Lamm's "assistant" Gladys Chemin, the issues. It's not like Yeshiva has Socol, Vice President of Avoiding and will not hamper Yeshiva's added, "It's better to kill a Syms n't had the policy in the past, I am CIA Affairs, said, "I was in my office charge to produce great communi Student than a healthy horse." just willing to put my knife where eating potato chips with that ty laymen. Now get out of this Tendler, who was last seen play- your throat is." yummy white dip when one of office and don't ever come back, them burst into my chambers and this is not an institution for stu Frantic Farewell-For Friendly Female took my potato chips. I followed dents." him all the way down tp the Sea The Commentator staff soon BY WOMAN I. ZER hometown female could be. The unsuspecting female was taken from her home in the grassy knoll level of Belfer Hell where he tied announced they would turn dog's owner was badly bruised on Last to be me up and ate all my potato chips, Normy's office into a Torah week, a local resident was both legs and managed of the Dancinger Quadrangle, and walking his dog along Amsterdam scratched up and down his body, Don at which point I summoned my son Technology Center, but decided brought to a local shelter. on his cell phone and demanded instead to use the space for faculty Avenue, when his stroll was inter- but was fortunate to escape with Summers, Yeshiva University Chief rupted by an encounter with a what most consider minor dis- of Security, oversaw the operation, that he bring me some more pota offices. One anonymous high rank lonely female, a woman who has ensuring that there would remain to chips at once." ing University official was rumored eases. won over the hearts of many main A few days later, University no threat of harm to any Yeshiva 'Rabbi' Norman Sham, Well to have possibly mentioned that campus students, particularly the Security contacted the local police students or Washington Heights Preserved Resident of Yeshiva, was he was thinking maybe to imply residents of the Morgenstern department, and within hours the residents from the Sharfman's reject. shocked by the confiscation and that something he said might be Dormitory, who have been petting r::==============�-------------__;:..:.:..:.:. plans to discuss the issue at the true, but refused to disclose what it the woman and feeding her left next Norm Talks. However he has was. over table scraps for the past vowed that he would not really Although Dean Fallman was a month. research the topic or discuss it very victim in the confiscations, he When the Washington Heights much, but that he would take refused to return to his office, native and his 'best friend' passed many cheap-shots at any and all choosing rather to resign than to by the female, a scuffle ensued student leaders · in attendance. face administrative colleagues for between the dog and the woman, Sham' also asserted that if anyone another day. IQ the end, the admin two not quite domesticated would dare ask a pointed question istrators were· eventually returned beings. The dog's owner promptly he would play the role of the victim to their posts and compensated decided to intervene and break up · and allow the Yeshiva students to $1,850.00 for missing potato chips the exchange. He soon discovered yell at student leaders because and white dip. exactly how difficult taking on the "Most ofyou don� know who I am, but I am Mell." Dean Adler In This Issue: Ricky To Security Guard Cures Cance1· r} ... ��••.•···-·"q.,•••• $81\1 Page Hi'ghJigh!· Really Alligators In Normy's Office -�·--·'•1••,.,·••-�-'"t.••'· Page 13 A Rat, I am Mell �••• �.,. ..,H ••••a•.'H,h"I.• Page Mell' Hanukkah Caf Wins Health Award .�.,.... ," ........ �.,•>••--· Page Net Concert, PAGE 69 Uncle Moisny Comes Bai:.t "'"'"'', .......,,,"' Day�'-: 1F PAGE 66 �mnmnaamaamam�,irn���'lffl�T<t=���·�,� .. ,.• ,�:r.:.:i:,'.�.=�A•::.�:;:;:;;:;;!r::,'TI':�;�;i;,�;'.-".'!��d Page 2 I LOVE PURIM!!!! TOILET PAPER StreaniingCOMMIE 1r (0)][ ]L ]E 1r ]p> A]P> ]E ]R{ Unconsciousness, Again Who are all these people? New game show:Who wants to marry a Stern Girl? Fifth Floor Furst, Corner Stall Who wrote that Gemara? Will Ephshap and Dudi finish the website· in time for E-Ma ii: [email protected] megillah? Didn't Sandler graduate? We don't have any alcohol in here at all on Pelephone/Fax: (800) 800-7759 the final Purim issue layout night? Oh ok, tomorrow is a fast. What's with all A filthily operated wiping rag funded by Kleenex and published on a bi-daily basis or an those beer bottles on the windows sill? Got K.D.? Hi fish. Don Fred Kreizmanioli. hour aher eating in the caf. The views expressed in the columns herein are those of the What are we ever going to do with Flishai's Golden Flow. Subject matter is a big American Proctology Association and most definitely reflect the opinions of 'Rabbi' Lamm, Mr. problem here. There is no one left to niakefun of. Is the Danciger quadrangle Clean, and the entire administration . The opinions do not represent those ofThe Commentator still the only battlefield in Washington Heights? What about the overused pool? staff or the New York Times. ©Copyright 2000, Volume 001, The Toilet Paper. One issue Rabbi Lamm's top priority is new undergraduate housing. Honestly, he told me free ... ah ...just take it, better than using a clean T-shirt. so, three years ago. How's the new Theater downtown? What about the Opus Dei Catholic Cemetery? Now that was a colossal blunder. We stand by our con victions. Who is Mell? Where are Dean Shmidman's marbles? Does Dean J have any time for this? News Flash: South Park Minyan replaced by Russian AARON KLEIN ALEX TRAIMAN International Minyan, the best in town. Bleich and the boyz. Hey OPCS how PRIME MINISTER OF THE WIPE WIPE MASTER GENERAL about us non-accounting majors? Graduate School advisement? Now you're asking for too much. TOY & SAC present a Rosh Chodesh mixer, aka Coed Naked PINK E. SHAPIRO EPHRAIM SHAPIRO shiur. Ooo, we said a bad word. Polsky is back, Hamevaser in trouble. Will some EAU DE TOILETTE BATHROOMATTENDANT body please wash the Tannenbaum, uh I mean the "main" building? Clean the street, close the street, get off the street.