Rabbi Tendler Quits, Dr. Peter Singer to Head Departmentof Ethics BY DR, JACK KEVORKIAN lasted three minutes, the University has hired controversial After coming to the realization Princeton ethicist and child-hating that Judaism is all a hoax and that Australian with a chemical imbal people only register for his shuir ance, Dr. Peter Singer to head the because they don't need to show Department. Yeshiva President 'Rabbi' Norman Lamm, Presenting Dr. Norman up, Rabbi Dr. Moshe Tendler (now In the tradition of all RIETS heads, Singer will now take on the Lamm with the annual 'Rabbi' Dr. Norman Lamm Honorary Award known as Cardinal John McKinny) quit his post as Head of the title of Rabbi Dr. Peter Singer. 'Rabbi Lamm, and 'Rabbi' Lamm looked on. Biology and Ethics Department at Singer's first order of business was Yeshiva University, instead choos- to murder all retarded Yeshiva stu ======-Iing to hit the road as a Christian dents and administrators, (funeral (OMMfNTATOR Missionary and door-to-door Bible services for one stupid facilities Salesman. After an extended head will be held at an undisclosed Confl•scates search for a new Professor that location). The four remaining Sy Syms students immediately trans Administrators ferred to Yeshiva College. Singer BY KAREN ARENSON they were hutzpadik has recently introduced several According to Goddess of Judaic new courses into the required cur A recent Confiscator probe has Studies Shirley Auslander (a.k.a. riculum, including "Infanticide and You," "How To Perform Third probed and learned that board "Big Daddy"), "I was talking it up members of The Commentator with my boys and the next thingI Semester Abortions with a Hanger in Under Three Minutes," and "Why have been allegedly removing know Rabbi Schmidman was gone. are Smarter than Rabbi ing guitar in Kansas City, was heard administrators from their respec-· I thought he was just looking for Chickens Tendler." by a baby boomer to have said that tive campus locations. The admin his marbles, but he never came Singer "is beyond the pale of istrators, who are the sol� property back." One student who was asked 'Rabbi' Dr. Norman Lamm, President of Yeshiva and one of Christianity. Jesus will strike him of Yeshiva University and have how Schmidman's disappearance down like he smote the evil been missing for months, were woul_d affect his life, replied, "I just -Singer's most avid followers, said, "We are proud that Peter has joined Hesrodites of Bethlehem." found thi,s week in a restricted hope I don't trip on his marbles." To which Singer responded, Ms. Gladys Chemin, Champion our staff and murdered most of our Facilities storage room on the "well "What a kook! I just want to kill below Sea" level of Belfer Hall, Thoroughbred to the Centenarian students. It's about time a professor senseless babies and Syms guys. I chained in leather to New York President, said, "'Rabbi' Sham's dis takes a stand against stupidity. I Times vendingmachines. appearance will have no effect on might not be Mell, but I am Mell." challenge anyone to debate me on Sheldon "Augusto Pinochet" the Jewish community whatsoever Lamm's "assistant" Gladys Chemin, the issues. It's not like Yeshiva has Socol, Vice President of Avoiding and will not hamper Yeshiva's added, "It's better to kill a Syms n't had the policy in the past, I am CIA Affairs, said, "I was in my office charge to produce great communi Student than a healthy horse." just willing to put my knife where eating potato chips with that ty laymen. Now get out of this Tendler, who was last seen play- your throat is." yummy white dip when one of office and don't ever come back, them burst into my chambers and this is not an institution for stu Frantic Farewell-For Friendly Female took my potato chips. I followed dents." him all the way down tp the Sea The Commentator staff soon BY WOMAN I. ZER hometown female could be. The unsuspecting female was taken from her home in the grassy knoll level of Belfer Hell where he tied announced they would turn dog's owner was badly bruised on Last to be me up and ate all my potato chips, Normy's office into a Torah week, a local resident was both legs and managed of the Dancinger Quadrangle, and walking his dog along Amsterdam scratched up and down his body, Don at which point I summoned my son Technology Center, but decided brought to a local shelter. on his cell phone and demanded instead to use the space for faculty Avenue, when his stroll was inter- but was fortunate to escape with Summers, Yeshiva University Chief rupted by an encounter with a what most consider minor dis- of Security, oversaw the operation, that he bring me some more pota offices. One anonymous high rank lonely female, a woman who has ensuring that there would remain to chips at once." ing University official was rumored eases. won over the hearts of many main A few days later, University no threat of harm to any Yeshiva 'Rabbi' Norman Sham, Well to have possibly mentioned that campus students, particularly the Security contacted the local police students or Washington Heights Preserved Resident of Yeshiva, was he was thinking maybe to imply residents of the Morgenstern department, and within hours the residents from the Sharfman's reject. shocked by the confiscation and that something he said might be Dormitory, who have been petting r::======�------__;:..:.:..:.:. plans to discuss the issue at the true, but refused to disclose what it the woman and feeding her left next Norm Talks. However he has was. over table scraps for the past vowed that he would not really Although Dean Fallman was a month. research the topic or discuss it very victim in the confiscations, he When the Washington Heights much, but that he would take refused to return to his office, native and his 'best friend' passed many cheap-shots at any and all choosing rather to resign than to by the female, a scuffle ensued student leaders · in attendance. face administrative colleagues for between the dog and the woman, Sham' also asserted that if anyone another day. IQ the end, theadmin two not quite domesticated would dare ask a pointed question istrators were· eventually returned beings. The dog's ownerpromptly he would play the role of the victim to their posts and compensated decided to intervene and break up · and allow the Yeshiva students to $1,850.00 for missing potato chips the exchange. He soon discovered yell at student leaders because and white dip. exactly how difficult taking on the "Most ofyou don� know who I am, but I am Mell." Dean Adler In This Issue: Ricky To
Security Guard Cures Cance1· r} ... ��••.•···-·"q.,•••• $81\1 Page Hi'ghJigh!· Really Alligators In Normy's Office -�·--·'•1••,.,·••-�-'"t.••'· Page 13 A Rat, I am Mell � ••• �.,.. .,H ••••a•.'H,h"I.• Pag e Mell' Hanukkah Caf Wins Health Award .�., .... ," ...... �.,•>••--· Page Net Concert, PAGE 69 Uncle Moisny Comes Bai:.t "'"'"'', ...... ,,,"' Day�'-: 1F PAGE 66 �mnmnaamaamam�,irn���'lffl�T
Many Students Feel It's great when I can sit back and count watched some TV, and took a shower. Then my accomplishments with pride. This year I watched some more TV. While watching The Governing Board of I have written columns on such demand the tube, I dozed off and proceeded to ing topics as Yeshiva's amusing side, some dream about all the good I can do for the THE COMMENTATOR thing, and Rabbi Lamm. I also wrote a few students, and then I took a step back and news stories. laughed really hard. And. I mean Really And so I am able to enjoy this Purim, eat hard. This funky place is truly hilarious. has been at odds and dance freely knowing full well that I've After I awoke again, I had to take anoth done things. I think each of you should er shower, and then went to Time Out for with that of TheObserver. join me and think of your accomplish breakfast to . buy some pizza. I ate my ments as well. Depressed now? Good. lunch outside so I could interact with the However, Purim is That's frankly the way it should be. Who students. I love this place. As I was eating, ever said that life's all about apple pie and I began to think about all that could be Mell? Yeah, I didn't think so, buddy. accompUshed for the students. I laughed a time of joy, I honestly don't · know what else to again at aU I could do for them. If only the write, but it would look really stupid if my students knew. Suckers. Then I went to and we would therefore column was only two paragraphs. So f!m the office to start writing this column. It's going to ask each of you for a large favor, really funny that I get a "stude11t leader" like to smooth over because you certainly owe it to me after all office. That's actually why I love Yeshiva I've done for you this year. Just keep read University. That and the fact that I get a ing this column and pay no attention to its "student leader" beeper as well. It's a great our differences. content. From here on, everything I write life, it really Is. Well, It seems as if I have THE COMMENTATOR is purely filler to take up as much space as taken up enough space with my ranting, We at Aaron's column. You know, for aesthetics, which is probably more entertaining than afterall I am a layout person by trade. . Klein'� column. I'll speak to you all again are willing to put aside So let's see, today I woke up· at 3 p.m., real soon. Bye.
all that has transpired this year, This Puri� Toilet Paper is as well as the fact Dedicated to Former Director that we believe TheObserver of Public Relations David is an inferior newspaper. Rosenl whose absence has been the "X Factor'' in all we .. Let's be friends! have accomplished this year.·. Page 3 POORIME 2K ------�! YOU HAVE A P OTTY MOUTH 11------
MA RRIA GE PR OPOSALS FROM TO YSA C DICTA TOR A TON HOLSTEN The Netivot Shalom, that stupendously Adelsberg, Sarita Adelsberg, Yosef Adest, saintly sage from Slonim, succinctly Chedva Adler, Michael Adler, Shira Adler, summed up Purim in a single sentence: David Adler, Adler Adler, Adam Aftergut, "Purim hu hachag she/ achdut." By this, he Dvasha Allen, Jack Almo, Alex Altbe rg, meant that the holiday must force us to Daniel Altmark, Eric Andron, Zohar Azolay, find and freely flourish our feelings of Ely Bacon, David Baghdad i, Eli Ballas, friendship. Donny Balsam, Moshe Baron, Aryeh He writes that this sense of society Baronofsky, David Beim, Jenny Benn, Ezra stems from the source of civility that Berenholz, Etan Berman, Yonah Berman, semi-annually springs forth on both Noach Bernstein, Ronald Bernstein, David Purim and on Yorn Kippur. Chazal pre Betesh, Dani Bieler, Avi Billet, Avi Bindell, sciently point out that the title "Yom Deena Blanchard, Bethany Bleier, Tamar Kippurim" may be broken up into the Block, Avi Bloom, Mordechai Bloomberg, words "Yom K'Purim" (day like Purim)." David Blum, Mendy Boehm, Daniel Borsuk, This striking similarity signals a strong Avi Bossewitch, St�ven Botnick, Miriam symmetry between the two holidays. On Bram, Reuven Brand,· Dov Brandstatter, YornKippur , we, as a coherent community, Aura Brandwein, Ben Breda, Shira cry a clarion call convening even culprits Bregman, Aryah Brickner, Fran Broth, Ezi to Kol Nidre, corresponding to the currents Burns, Mikey Butler, Shamir Caplan, of cooperation that course through our Yehuda Charm, Jeremy Chernikoff, Adam collective consciousness. Cohen, Avi Cohen, Donny Cohen, Jeremy Paralleling this propensity for peace, Cohen, Meir Cohen, Ouri Cohen, Susie on Purim we present parcels to our pals, Cohen, Ta ni Cohen, Yossi Cohn, Elliot thereby patently proclaiming our passion Dabah, Rebeka David, Boris Davidson, for platonic plurality. We also benevo Hoorbod Delshafar, Eric Distenfeld, lently bestow bounteous boons on the Jonathan Donath, Craig Eagle, Franky bankrupt, building brotherhood in our Ehrenberg, Rachel Elbaum, Ronen Elefent, band of believers. These acts assure Eli Elias, Avi Elishis, Ari Ellenberg, Aaron achdut's augmentation, while actively aid Engel, Saul Epstein, Da niel Erber, Donni ing our amused attitude towards our Faleck, Ezra Fass, David Feinberg, Daniel associates. Feiner, Jeremy Feinerman, Ben Feintuch, Our tremendous teacher Rav Joseph B. Dov Feldman, Rya Ferster, Joe Feuerstein, Soloveitchik, proposed to his pupils that Nassi Figdor, Adam Fink, Esther Finkle, Purim was not so much a period as a Judah Fish, David Fishman, Donna Flatt, p'concept. "I heard many times from the Yishai Fleisher, Baruch Frankel, Ezra Frazer, tatteh and from the zayde, that the idea of Avidan Freidman, Aron Fried, Steven Fried, Purim idealizes the internal inspiration of Shlomie Friedman, Avi Frisch, Ari Fuchs, our independent island of idealism," he Simcha Fuld, Richard Gans, Romy would intermittently interdict during his Gardenswartz, Gennady Gelman, Shai instruction on masechet idiyot. "Kant also Gerson, Shu Ii Gertel, Avi Gitler, Brian Glass, believed this,"he would finally finish, "and Kim Glassman, Ruben Gober, Aaron Gold, i_fder tatte and Kant hut getuhn azoi, we Judah Goldberg, Yosef Goldman, Adam must too." Goller, Shira Graber, Ari Green, Noam In light of this, and in light of the fact G�eenberg, Ari Gross, Ben Grossman, that we, as Jews, represent both mizba David Helfgott, Sruli Hercman, Yosef chot (altars), with the Mizbeyach Hershkop, Jamie Hirsch, Mordecai Holtz, . HaNechoshet� the outer, copper altar upon Judy Horn, Ron Israel, Avery Joel, Wes which sacrifices were brought represent Kalmar, Aryeh Kaplan, Alex Katz, Meir Katz, ing our consecration of our physical body Ari Kellman, Bryan Kinzbrunner, Shimon and capabilities, and the Mizbeyach Klayman, Sipai Klein, Daniel Klinger, Yossi Halahav- the inner, golden altar which Knoll, Moshe Kolat, Aaron Koller, Fred was reserved for ketoret (lnasence)- repre Kreizman, Lauren Krieger, Dara Kushner, senting our consecration of our soul, our David Landerer, Avi Langer, Aviva Laufer, spiritual, intangible, inchoate, ephemeral Deedee Lax, Aaron Leff, Dan Lepor, Ezra inner being, I feel impelled to thank a host Levine, Dorian Levy, Yaakov Lipshitz,Ellie of people, thereby increasing shalom, London, Amanda Mack, Mark Mann, happiness and Purim spirit. I am Aton. Netanel Marmon, etc etc etc ...... ad nau A hearty hurrah of Hakarat HaTov to my seum. A Team, as well as the B, C and D Teams. A Greatest Gratitude to Horav Norman roaring round of recognition to David Lamm, Shlit"a, along with Sheldon Socol, Regev (Hamin ha'etz hazeh tochai/u), Jeffery Rosengarten, Morton Lowengrub, Ephraim Shapiro (Kermit, Webmaster for Deans Adler, Jesionowski, Jaskot and sesamestreet.com) , Ben Breda (SOY Sauce Neirenberg, The Commentator and of Chesed: bringing sushi to a hospital near course, Richard Seiger. A shout out to the you), David Mahler (Mussar Avicha, To rat entire faculty of RIETS, specifically citing /mecha), All the Hamevasser people wher Rav Schachter, Rav Blau, Rav Bronstein, ever they ·might be, and Amichai Erdfarb Rav Neuberger, Rav Sacks, Rav Willig, Rav (supreme dictator). Two cheers the Reichman, Rav Twersky, Rav Charlap, Rav President's Circle, for both funding Th e Ben-Haim, and Toyota Rav4. The above Observer and for not funding Th e paragons of personal piety propel thei( Commentator. A plethora of thanks to The pupils to pristine prominence with their Commentator for playing a paragon of prolific prayers, as well as with a panoply professional prowess in its position at the. of perpetual professions of passion for pinnacle of power politics. perfection and purity. I would be wretchedly remiss if I Last but not least, love to my fa bulous refrained ·from recording my regards to fiancee Rachel; for faithfully following the the following people: Andrew Leibowitz, fourteen first phonemes of each sentence Moshe Abehsera, Yoni Abenaim, Lionel in my last column, and finding the fu rtive Abitbol, Isaac Abraham, Shlomo Abraham, phrases fostered therein. Once again, I am Danie Abramoff, Rafael Abramov, Dina Mell. Purim Sameach. Page 4 I LOVE PURIM!!!! CHARMIN IS QUILTED
hired after testing negative for rabies and Hepatitis C. a high school. A similar-idea. was. reportedly formulated and . . .. Adler said, "Ha. I had you all fooled for years. Us. rats are tested several years ago, when the Sy Syms School of Business GRANDMA'S TIKI BAR FEATURING: GRANDPA'S DANCING MEIDLACH Page 5 POORIME 2K WIPE THIS! You'd be smiling too ify ou were about to turn 100. NormanLa mm,'Ra bb�' doesn't need glasses,a hearing aid,or evensucressor. a We talked to Doctor Lamm through his What is your financialst rategy? secretary at his office. Norm, a certified I have been advised not to answer that public 'Rabbi', will soon be 100 and has question. probably been preaching Torah U'Maddah longer than anyone else· in America� What Any other money secrets? are his secrets? Norm says he doesn't have Getting money isn't the main thing. Tricking any. But his secretary, with the approval of others into thinking that the money is tied up Public Relations, did agree to answer some long term, while it is readily available is a goal questions. too. Whats the best way to achieve. longevity? Do you have trouble sleeping at night? Stay as far from the students as is humanly As a matter of fact, I oftenwake up at four in possible. the morning, look myself in the mirror, and think about alligators. Yo u have been very successfu l financially. I've done alright. Happy Birthday, Norm. ...-·"·l YeshivaUniversity . THEPURSUIT OF JUDAISM. Call:To ll Free 877 983-3857 Fax:212 960-0059 Email:df [email protected] ... Write:Yes hiva U. BH718, 500We& 185 St, NY,NY 10033-3201 Web: www.yu.edu I LOVE PURIM!!!! Page 6 ------ll W HER E Is THE s p ARE ROLL?1 1------Rabbi Arrested For Urinating On Campus BY MY MOTHER improper public conduct and misuse of a black hat. An MYP Rosh Yeshiva, whose name is Yeshiva Public Relations Department being withheld because his family used the refused to comment on the issue, but Dean Jewish mafia to threaten our lives, was Juseionowky said, "I don't have the time for caught urinating on Yeshiva property this this." "I am Mell and I think of alligators all week by security. The Rabbi was dancing the time," added 'Rabbi' Lamm. under the influence at the Purim chagigah In the end, the Rabbi was released from when he realized that he was about lose jail because it was learned that he had an control of his bladder. He then ran outside unusual medical condition that causes him where he peed unsparingly on the to urinate whenever he consumes large Dancinger Quadrangle just as a New York quar,tities of alcoholic beverages while Police Officerwas driving by. dancing with sweaty men. As the officer was approaching him, the Rabbi scooped a pile of dirt from a nearby flower pot in order to purify his hands. The police man attempted to question him, but the Rabbi could not respond because he -��· was in the middle of saying ''Asher Ya tzar." The officer arrested the religious figure, charging him with indecent exposure, Yeshiva Students Protesting/or Gay Rights. "Now, we have put together a comprehensive search committee I ! I ! I I 'II getyou my pretty. to finally locate each and every one of my marbles. " find anymarbles in here. " And your /iu/e dog too. - ... m1 :I■ ease. Page 7 POORIME 2K ------�1uow ABOUT A COURTESY FLUSHPi-1 ------ Dr. Norman Lamm His overwhelming public A distinguished rabbi, philosopher, approval is reason enough to have teacher, and author, 'Rabbi' Lamm Jesus, or God as he likes to be was elected president of Yeshiva called, top our list, but once we University in August of 1976, suc reviewed his portfolio we knew ceeding Dr. Samuel Belkin and · Dr. there was no question. Despite Revel. He is the inadvertently causing more Jews University's third president and the to die than live in New York City, first native-born American to head Jesus's contribution to our society seconds none. By founding his the· nation's oldest and most com- own religion, Jesus created the institution of higher biggest rivalry since Macs vs. learning under Jewish auspices. Mount St. Mary. He revolutionized for, is his founding'"of a .religion, After receiving smicha from the hired as a cashier in a Manhattan the world with_ his idea of turning which while being responsible for Presbyterian Polytechnic Institute of pet store. With a lot of free time our homeland into a the mass destruction of events South Carolina in 1763 and a doc- on his hands, Lamm decided to pen such as the capitalist/tourist adventure. But prusades, claims to torate in reptile reproduction from a thesis that would ultimately what 'Our Savior' is best known be· peaceful. Hindinburg University in Berlin, . destroy the human race and allow "Rabbi" Dr. Norman Lamm set off alligators to dominate the earth. Joyce JesionoWski for California where he was put in And thus Torah U'maddah was charge of the cold blooded division born. His dissertation was published Dean Joyce Jasionowski was nominated for the list despite at the San Diego Zoo. He lost his in a Bible magazine, and soon read one alleged rumors that she is not position when he was caught by high-level Yeshiva administrators, Jewish; however, she declined to night digging through the mud in the who also promote reptilian domina submit a bio of major accom alligators tanks, reportedly looking tion. Lamm was soon invited to join plishments due to a lack of time for buried eggs with which to start the teaching faculty of Yeshiva, on her part. Nevertheless we his own alligator colony. Disgrac�d where he remained for several hun place her on our list of Five and unemployed, . Lamm hitch hiked dred years, outliving his friends and Jews of the Common Era due to his way to New York where he was eventually becoming president. a lack of time on our part to think of another qualified nomi nee. Aaron Klein Self-proclaimed god of all things Yeshiva University, Klein has suc cumbed to the philosophy "If it's Traiman is best known and loved as being the self-proclaimed leader better than you, make fun of it in of the vicious gang on campus the newspaper." And he has. known as the Commentators. During his career of attacking any Under his guidance, this gang has thing that doesn't fall his way, Klein attacked, razed, and raped every- . has published articles or, everything thing held dear on campus. in YU from our esteemed Whether · it is his completely evil President's Circle to the missing NY activities or his commands of "kill" Times machines. With the fury of a to his editors, he has been able to full-blown temper tantrum, Klein when considering his greatest con hide his devilish regard with his caused_ more controversy by report- tribution to the Jewish American "pretty face" and "quick wit." Unbeknownst to the fair ladies in Commentator and the Jewish peo ing on the alleged intended misuse population: Going around campus, midtown, he often flashes his pearly pie at large is his laissez-faire style of an eight million dollar donation stealing his own newspapers and white smile, without showing his of editing, responsible for the lac,:< than Lewisnky did when she licked blaming it on the administration razor-sharp teeth underneath. But of newspapers printed this year to her way into our living rooms. But while leaking the story to the New his greatest contribution to the date. all his Commie achievements pale York Times. I LOVE PURIM!!!! Page 8 ------ii OH MAN, THE TOILET'S CLOGGEDi---1 ---- Ye shiva's Col!gge Dr�aticakRooietv ll/i8& c?LJ(jtlo/1/ [email protected]'lt G�/ _'/t, �-�or/it very&H very proudly presents a summer 2000 product . . .. "', ,,I�· �,r · . ,. z..,. ....J � • ,I .. ff ,,· • ' ...... ' .. I ., J.. /:·· ;- /4 _.• .• I;' I' . ;', i .. ti. ,: I I ,.·! I . ;· �-· . I _.' 'I � - -4 -- I --- ..,._ -- - ••••---..._------=------another story :. , -- -�- by Anthony Beuk9s . ------' - SEDUCED BY SPECIAL ARRANGEMENT WITH SAMUEL'S FRENCH KISS • Jacob Glueck Technotheater THE WORTHLESS EMPTY SPACE FORMERLY KNOWN AS PARKING ·LOT Q JOYCEJE�IONOW�KI as ACHASHVEI_RO�H musital un�eratoreSO�NDTRACK Dr-BSAMIM DAN El DRA�KIN ,• SKIM GASSMAN • �EN MANTRl • AARONGANZ • ATON HOlZER Da�ea on t�e H TCHCOCK ClA�S C nave NINE GUYS anO a �TtRN GIRl ©erTHOUCHBONE PICTURES• A �ltVtN , Wtl�� �RODUCl ON - .