Four Rules for Using Assertive Communication to Stand Up to Bullies

✓Rule 1: Don’t go it alone.

1. A bully’s main strategy is to make a victim feel alone and powerless. 2. The best way to counter a bully’s strategy is to tell a helpful adult about what is going on and ask for that adult’s support. When a bully realizes that he/she will not be able to keep a victim isolated-that the victim is strong enough to reach out and connect with others- the bully begins to lose power. 3. Sometimes adults fail to acknowledge the seriousness of bullying, but more often, grown-ups are not aware of what is going on. 4. Telling an adult about bullying is a bold, powerful move. 5. Bullies want their victims to be too afraid to tell an adult about what is going on. That’s why they tease kids about “tattling.” See right through their game! This is just another one of the bully’s strategies for intimidating you an making you feel all alone.

✓Rule 2: Don’t wait!

1. The longer a bully has power of a victim, the stronger the hold becomes. 2. Bullying usually begins in a relatively mild form- name calling, teasing, or minor physical aggression- then becomes more serious when the bully realizes that the victim is not going to stand up for him/herself. 3. When kids ignore or do nothing about bullies, their own power slips away.

✓Rule 3: Be assertive!

1. The more bullies think they can pick on a victim without a direct response, the more they will do it. 2. Assertiveness is the essential middle ground between aggressive comebacks that invite further conflict and passive responses that allow personal boundaries to be violated. 3. Abby: Where’d you get you outfit—the clearance rack? Jen: Yeah, my mom made me wear it. I love what you have on, though. You always look awesome. Jen’s response is ineffective. By complimenting Abby after such an obvious put- down, Jen allows her power to be drained. She is basically saying, “Reject me again, hurt me some more. Whatever you say is OK because I just want to be liked.” 4. Abby: Where’d you get your outfit—the clearance rack? Jen: I got it out of your closet, loser. Jen’s response is ineffective. It challenges Abby to escalate her aggression. Snappy, humiliating comebacks invite bullies to keep the conflict going and turn up the heat for the next round. 5. Abby: Where’d you get you outfit—the clearance rack? Jen: Knock it off, Abby. Jen’s response is effective. She uses assertive communication to let Abby know that she does not intend to be victimized. Jen does not seek forgiveness, but does not pose a challenge either. Her response is simple and unemotional. 6. Simple, unemotional responses are effective in standing up to bullies because they portray confidence. 7. Emotional responses signal to the bullies that they will be able to take control of a situation and gain power over their victim.

✓Rule 4: Don’t mix signals!

1. Assertive responses combine the use of direct words with assertive body language and tone of voice 2. Use a calm, even tone of voice when talking to a bully. This always shows confidence. 3. Stand an appropriate an appropriate distance (not too close or not too far) from the bully. This shows you are not easily intimidated. 4. Avoiding eye contact with a bully is an unhelpful response. It signals that you don’t respect yourself and direct communication. 5. Look a bully directly in the eye. Maintaining eye contact is a mark of emotionally honest and direct communication. 6. Use the bully’s name when responding to one of his/her insults. This is an assertive technique that lets the bully know he/she is your equal. 7. Emotional body language, such as looking away, raising your voice, or shrinking back are all dead giveaways that the bully has intimidated you.