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AN ORIGINAL SCRIPT: CAPT. JACK'S ALL NUDE
SHRIMPBOAT REVIEW AND BURLESQUE SHOW
by
DAVID MILES CHICK, B.A.
A THESIS
IN
THEATRE ARTS
Submitted to the Graduate Faculty of Texas Tech University in Partial Fulfillment of the Requirements for the Degree of MASTER OF ARTS
Approved
May, 1997 1 A:S w^^'^
Z^^ ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
Af' 14- I would like to thank my family, Matt Harrison, Polly O Butler, Joel Lava, David Veliet, Charlie Wise, David Nathan, Jonana Widner, Carla Cook, Adam Reed, Derek Reid, Chris Werner, David Madison, Jeff Holland, Marcus Byrd, Perez Prado, A.C. Campbell and James Worthy for their constant inspiration. I would also like to thank the faculty and staff of Austin College for giving me the well- rounded education that made this thesis possible. Most of all I would like to thank Howie and Terra Norberg for their love and support.
11 TABLE OF CONTENTS
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS ii CHAPTER I. INTRODUCTION 1 Influential Methods of Playwriting 2 II. MY PROCESS FOR CAPT. JACK'S 11 The Germinal Idea 11 The Collection 14 The Scenario 18 The First Draft 20 The Prosess of Revising Capt. Jack's 22 Evaluation of My Process 24 III. DEFINING CAPT. JACK'S 25 The Characters 25 The Dialogue 27 The Plot Structure 28 The Theme 30 Conclusions 32 BIBLIOGRAPHY 33 APPENDIX: SCRIPT OF CAPT. JACK'S 34
111 CHAPTER I INTRODUCTION
I used to believe myself incapable of completing a full-length play. My past experiences in playwriting turned out to be nothing more then exercises in futility. The reason that I had no success was because I had no idea what I was doing. When I decided that I was going to write a play, I would just turn on the computer and bravely start writing until I ran out of steam. That is all well and good, but with steam power I was only able to get about two-and-a-half pages into a script. At that point I would read over what I had done, decide that it was horrid, and turn the computer off. This approach led to many half hearted and ill-conceived beginnings to plays. After a while my playwriting fire dwindled, and I resigned myself to the fact that I was never going to be able to write a play. I stayed in this state of resignation until the fall of 1995 when I took a playwriting class at Texas Tech. In that class I had some success writing short, ten-page one- acts. My fire was re-kindled. From this experience I learned that if I wanted to write a full-length play, I needed to develop a style that would be conducive to my creative process. My problem was that I needed to develop a process of writing that would enable me to create a full-length play. In my thesis I will discuss the steps that I went through to solve this problem. The steps include: discussion of various influential playwriting methods, evaluation of my experiences writing Capt. Jack's All Nude Shrimpboat Review and Burlesque Show, and analyzation of the results.
Influential Methods of Playwriting Studying the writing styles of playwrights such as David Mcunet and Sam Shepard, as well as the playwriting methodology of Sam Smiley, greatly helped me develop my own process. Mamet's and Shepard's styles of playwriting influenced the way that I wanted to write Capt. Jack's and the methods put forth by Smiley in Playwriting; The Structure of Action gave me a framework in which I felt comfortable writing. By combining these elements I was able to produce a style that worked for me. The effect that David Mamet had over my process was to help me generate ideas for plays. When I examined Mamet's work I found that he writes plays with simple subject matter. Looking only at the surface of his plays, Mamet is telling simple tales that do not have complex plots. His plays are about little everyday occurrences. Speed- the-Plow is about the making of a movie deal. Glengarry Glen Ross is about selling real estate. But the real action of the play is what is taking place beneath these common happenings. Mamet uses the subtext of his plays to tell truths about humanity and the human condition in our society. Underneath the simple surface of Speed-the-Plow lies a story of a man who gains and then loses morality. Glengarry Glen Ross's subtext is a story of a company's greed forcing an honest man to commit crime.
When I was brainstorming for play ideas, I looked for ones that were simple on the surface but had room underneath to say something bigger. All of the ideas that I came up with were based on this structure. It is not that I was looking for ways to steal Mamet's style; rather I was looking for story ideas that would allow me to incorporate the things that I liked about Mamet into my writing process. His writing style helped me generate ideas that I could work with. The style of Sam Shepard also helped me develop my playwriting process in much the same way that Mamet's style did. By looking at and analyzing aspects of Shepard's work, I was able to incorporate steps into my process that would help me achieve the things that I admire about Shepard's writing. This too was especially helpful to me when brainstorming for ideas. The aspect of Shepard's work that I respect most is the familiarity of the characters. In True West, the audience is immediately able to recognize the characters of Austin, Lee, Saul, and the mother. They are archetypes that are ingrained into America's collective unconscious. When broken down and looked at as archetypes, the characters consist of: a nerd, a bully, a Hollywood producer and a crazy old woman. A feeling of familiarity envelops Shepard's work and draws the audience in. When coming up with germinal ideas that my play would eventually grow from, I looked for ones that could possibly support archetypes and give the play the same sense of familiarity that is felt in the works of Shepard.
Archetypes also had an effect on me when I was creating the characters. When I would get stuck during my creative process, I was able to look back at the archetypical seed of the character. From this point, new ideas would arise. There were times in my process when I felt that a character was foreign and not fully developed. It would help me to think back to what Shepard does in his plays. If the character's archetype was not identifiable then I could make changes that made it more clear. If I didn't know how a character would react in a situation, I was able to look back to the root archetype and make decisions from there. Mamet's and Shepard's styles helped me define what it is that I like about theater. From there I was able to work the aforementioned steps into my process that would help me achieve the aspects of theater that I personally find exciting. As much as these playwrights and their styles helped me, I still needed a working process. Sam Smiley's method gave me that process. In chapter two of Playwriting; The Structure of Action, Smiley puts forth a process that I found useful. As I said before, my first playwriting successes had come when I took a playwriting class at Texas Tech. In that class, I was finally able to complete a play, even though it was far from a full-length play. My successes were due to Smiley's method, which was taught as a basic framework for playwriting. Naturally, when I put myself to the task of writing a full-length play, I looked toward Smiley and found my own style from his base.
Smiley's second chapter is titled "The Process of Playwriting," and it lays out fourteen steps that a writer can follow to complete a play. The first eight of these steps are directly related to the writing of a play. Steps nine through fourteen deal with submitting a play to producers and the roles of playwrights during the production of a play. I didn't concern myself with these later steps because I was only attempting to develop a process that would help me write a full-length play. Once I had actually completed the play, I would deal with getting it produced. The first five of Smiley's steps are what he calls the "pre-drafting steps."^ These steps deal with the formation
Sam Smiley, Playwriting; The Structure of Action (Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Prentice-Hall, Inc., 1971) 27. 5 of ideas that the play will be about. It starts with the writer's "creative compulsion."^ From that compulsion, the writer develops "germinal ideas." One germinal idea is chosen and expanded on during the collection process. The data that have been collected become more concrete through the writing of the rough scenario, and ideas are formulated within the scenario. The next three steps involve the writing of the first draft, and they are followed by a series of revisions that culminate in a final draft.
I was able to re-work Smiley's format into a process that worked for me. Smiley's first step deals with the idea of a writer's creative compulsion, which is like "...a field of rich soil ready for a seed." I already understood this step, so I moved on to the next. Smiley's second step is where I began to follow his form. Step two is the creation of germinal ideas. "Some imaginative idea to which the playwright applies his craft always provides the basis for the formulation of a play. It is germinal because nothing is developed, and yet it contains the potential for a total drama." He suggests that a good germinal idea "...strongly commands the conscious interest of the writer." Smiley sees six different types of germinal ideas: (1) people or characters, (2) a place, (3) an incident, (4) a conceptual thought, (5) a situation, and (6) a writer's familiarity
2 Smiley 21. with a certain informational area.^ The creation of a germinal idea seemed like a good place for me to start on the path to writing a full-length play. The third of Smiley's steps involves the collection of data. This step is a period of time in which the writer does research to expand upon the singularity of the germinal idea. This research could be done sitting at a desk and dreeuning up new ideas that go along with the germinal idea, or it could involve going to a library and searching for actual historical information. A writer does whatever is necessary to expand the germinal idea. Smiley suggests that "anything can be included in the collection; situations, incidents, conflicts, characters, thoughts, bits of dialogue."*^ This step seemed necessary and was included in my playwriting process. Smiley's fourth and fifth steps involve the writing of the rough and the polished scenarios. For Smiley, the difference between these two things is that the rough scenario is not as "well shaped" as the final scenario.5 To me, it seemed redundant to write everything down and then write it down again. I chose to combine the two steps and call it "the scenario." Most of what I chose to do came from Smiley's definition of the rough scenario. There are eleven headings in the rough scenario. Smiley suggests
3 Smiley 21-24. 4 Smiley 25 5 Ibid. that a writer should organize his data according to a working title, and action statement, form, circumstance, subject, characters, conflict, story, thought, dialogue, and a time line for completing the writing of the play.^ All of these things seemed like necessary steps I should take, yet I also added in steps from Smiley's final scenario. I decided that the brief statement on characters, which is called for in the rough scenario, needed to be expanded into a "description of every major and minor character in as much detail as appropriate, using outline form to cover the six character traits for each."^ This is called for in Smiley's final scenario. Another change that I made was to omit the rough scenario step on story, which is a "sequential list" of the incidents of the story.^ I replaced it with the final scenario narrative, which is "a prose narrative of the play scene-by-scene, concentrating on plot and story, brief yet admitting all necessities."'^ This step seemed important to me because it would help organize and expand upon the basic plot line of my play. Smiley's next step is the writing of the rough draft. "A draft of a play is the total wording of it from a scenario into dialogue, stage directions, and other
6 Smiley 25-26. ^ Smiley 26. 8 Ibid. 9 Ibid. 8 necessary explanations."^^ If writing a play is the goal, then this step seems to be of utmost importance. I, of course, put this step into my process. Revising the rough draft is the next step. This step begins immediately after the rough draft is written, and it "...incorporates ripening, testing, readings, and re- writings. "^ I did not expect that my rough draft would be perfect or that I would be perfectly happy with it; therefore, revising my rough draft seemed like a logical step that I would need to take. The last step in the process of writing a play is taking the corrections that are made on the rough draft and typing them, giving the writer a final draft. During the revising process, I will make the necessary changes on my computer. Through the works of Mamet and Shepard, and the method of Smiley, I was able to formulate a process that would help me write a full-length play. Mamet's simple plots with complex underpinnings and Shepard's characters based on modern archetypes helped me define what I like about theater. Smiley's method gave me a framework from which I was able to develop my own style. From Smiley, I devised my own process which included creation of germinal ideas, collecting data, distilling the data into a scenario, and writing a rough draft followed by a series of revisions.
10 Smiley 28. 11 Smiley 31. Having developed a process, I was ready to put my vision and my process to the test by attempting to write a full- length play.
10 CHAPTER II MY PROCESS FOR CAPT. JACK'S
My playwriting process began in August of 1996, and I didn't reach a point where I felt that my play was complete until late January of 1997. During that seven-month period I created a germinal idea and took it all the way to a completed play script. I am now at the point where I look back and see that the process that ultimately led to Capt. Jack's All Nude Shrimpboat Review and Burlesque Show was a successful one. My goal was to complete a full-length play, and I achieved that goal. In this chapter, I will give an account of how my process worked: starting with the germinal idea, then the collection of data, the writing of the scenario, the completion of a first draft, and the process of revisions. At the end of the chapter, I will note possible changes that I could make in my process to advance my playwriting method.
The Germinal Idea
'People always ask me where I get my ideas I always tell them that I think of them." -David Mamet 12
12 David Mamet, Writing in Restaurants (New York: Penguin Books, 1987) 51. 11 Writers often keep some sort of a running list of germinal ideas. When they feel like writing a play, they can look on this list and decide which one to write. I had no such list to draw from, so when I decided that I was going to write my play I had to compile a list from scratch.
Compiling the list was possibly the easiest step in the whole process. The first thing that I did was observe my surroundings. I would note things that were of interest to me, and from there Ccune most of my germinal ideas. My past theatrical experience as an actor, director, and designer heightened my awareness of potential inspiration in my surroundings. While compiling my list I would put myself in situations that could possibly lead to germinal ideas. I went to coffee shops around town. I would observe people in the supermarket. I would listen to music. Wherever I went, I would be in the frame of mind to look for ideas. I would simply watch, listen and observe my environment. Germinal ideas poured out of me. Not all of them were good. Some of them were incredibly bad, but I was not judging them at this point. My only goal was to get as many germinal ideas as I could. After about a week and a half of this, I had about twenty-five ideas. At this point, it was necessary to start the process of picking one.
12 Choosing a germinal idea was possibly the hardest part of my playwriting process. I took all of my germinal ideas and decided which ones I knew that I did not like. There were some ideas that I knew were so pitiful that there was no hope for them. For example, I had an idea to intentionally write the worst musical of all time. It was to be about a handicapped boy who lived on a farm and yearned to be a ballet dancer. All of the farm animals would sing to him and encourage his dream, even though it conflicted with the wishes of the boy's alcoholic father. I have now realized that this idea is as insipid as it is insulting, but it reflects the caliber of the germinal ideas that were first to be cut.
After the initial cutting I was left with four germinal ideas to choose from. Three of them were long explanations of characters and events, and the last one was a cryptic little scrawl that said, "open mic night—comedy club." This was a weird little germinal idea that I couldn't quit thinking about. I spent two days trying to decide which of these four would make the best play. As soon as I would decide on one, the other ones would start looking more appealing. I resorted to throwing darts at the piece of paper that contained my ideas. I'm not very good at throwing darts and the paper was small, so I never managed to hit the paper. It was desperation more than anything else that led me to pick "open mic night."
13 The only thing I knew about my play at this point was that it took place in a comedy club that had an open mike night. I had no characters in mind nor any idea about the play's plot or structure. These things were to develop during the collection process.
The Collection My germinal idea needed to be expanded to become a full play. The first thing that I did was start writing. Without thinking, I sat down with pen and paper and began to write about the comedy club. At this point, ideas began to flow. My first thought was that the play would consist of a string of open mic acts. Each one of the acts would be as bad as I could possibly make them. Ultimately this was not going to be the shape of the play, but it did produce some of the characters for Capt. Jack's. When I was working around the idea of bad stand-up comedy, I would come up with different characters by doing improvisations. When I was driving or sitting in my room, I would start doing these characters' acts. I came up with two characters, the Fat Bitch's Ass Guy and the Star Trek Guy, both of whom have small roles in Capt. Jack's. After coming up with these characters based around my initial ideas for "open mic night," I decided that this idea would get a little tedious if I tried to extend it into a full-length play, so
14 I retired the idea of the play being a string of bad comedians. The next day, September 21, I only wrote about a fourth of a page, but that fourth of a page turned out to be the basis for Capt. Jack's. The paper had a brief and cryptic description of what was eventually going to be the plot, as well as some of the characters:
-Not really bad comedians—but trying to get ahead—stab in back—steal material— kiss owner/manager's ass. -Matty—vulgar Kermit head -Owner—eccentric -Manager—has rules -Old Guy—tells jokes about his wife and plays the viola Here was the basic idea that Capt. Jack's caune from and four characters that eventually made their way into the script. At this point, I decided that I needed to learn more about the world of comedy. Lubbock, Texas is not the ideal place to learn about stand-up. There is only one club in Lubbock, and it has trouble staying open. I decided that it would be best for me to go to a place that had some sort of thriving comedy community. I had a friend in Austin, Texas who had been living there for the past two years supporting himself as a comedian, so I went to Austin to talk to him and learn about the comedy business. My friend, Derek Reid, was a full-time performer at Esther's Follies, a club that has been a tradition in Austin for twenty years. Derek also had a weekly "gig" at 15 another Austin club called the Velveeta Room. At these clubs I watched Derek and all of the other comedians' acts. The character of Al Golden is based on one of the comedians I saw there. In Capt. Jack's the character description of Al is really a description of a comedian I saw at the Velveeta Room:
AL GOLDEN is in his early sixties. He wears a dark maroon suit with a white shirt that has a wide collar. He wears lots of rings.
I asked Derek if he knew this guy, and Derek said that he did not know him personally but knew his reputation. Apparently this comedian has been trying to make it big for a long time, but doesn't have enough talent to do it. He had a reputation for being very jealous of young, talented comedians, and would try to discredit anyone who out shone him. From this, the plot of Capt. Jack's began to take form. I sat in the club the rest of that evening making notes of every thing that transpired. I learned the inner workings of the club: how much comedians get paid, when they get paid, how they know when to get off stage, how much they drink, and how they try to stab each other in the back while putting on a friendly facade. All of these tidbits of information were very helpful when I was trying to develop how life worked in the Capt. Jack's club.
16 At the end of the evening Derek told me that there was an open mike at the club the following night. Then, much to my chagrin, he told me that he had signed me up and I should be ready to go on at eight the next evening. At first I fought the idea of having to perform, but then I thought that if I was going to write about comedy I should at least try my hand at it.
I met Derek at the club at seven and he asked me what I was going to do for my act. I had decided to sing a song that I wrote about two years earlier. The song was a country song called "Monkey Fucker." Everyone whom I had played the song for in the past seemed to think that it was funny, so it seemed like an obvious choice. It's pretty nerve-racking to get up on stage with nothing to defend you from the critical stares of the audience but your wit. I didn't say a word, I just stared back at the audience and unassumingly went into the song. It went over very well: so well, in fact, that the club's management asked me if I wanted to get paid to do my act the following week. I was not able to accept their offer because I needed to return to Lubbock and continue to work on my play. This experience had an integral effect on the plot of Capt. Jack's. I came back to Lubbock, and over the next two weeks I wrote as fast as I could. This point in my creative process was easy. I had a basic idea for the play and all that I needed to do was to fill in the holes. New 17 characters began to spring up, like Chris Harrison, Bill Clark, and the Amazing Parado. The twists that the plot was going to take and the action of the play became clear in my head. Even pieces of dialogue were starting to pop into my mind. Ideas for the play were coming so fast and furious that it was hard to get them all down on paper. Soon I felt that all of the pieces of Capt. Jack's were in place. I needed to start organizing them and making some firm decisions instead of brainstorming for ideas. I naturally went into the scenario portion of my playwriting process.
The Scenario During the collection process, I Ccune up with many ideas for Capt. Jack's. They needed to be formalized through the writing of a scenario. This process basically involved sifting through all of the "strecun-of- consciousness" writings in my collection. There were times where all I had to do was put a heading on something that I had written in my collection and it would turn into a part of my scenario. My collection already contained a full analysis for each character. I had a narrative that broke the play down, described the relevant events, and gave an action statement to each scene. I had already written a statement that described the action of the play, a paragraph that explained the given circumstances of the play, and a list 18 of possible titles. All I had to do was pull them out of the collection and type them up for the scenario. The scenario that I adapted from Smiley's method called for things that I had not yet thought about. It called for statements about the form of the play, the subject of the play, the conflict, the thoughts contained in the play and, the dialogue. In my mind I knew how I was going to present all of these things, but I had not yet formalized my ideas by writing them down. For example, I knew that the dialogue was going to be fast-paced and full of the slang and idiosyncrasies of modern American English, but I had not put that down on paper. I made decisions about the dialogue, and all of the other aspects of the play, until I felt like my scenario was a kind of "working model" of the play that I wanted to write. After I wrote the scenario I felt that I was losing objectivity toward my play. I started feeling as if I were too close to it, and I wasn't able to tell what was good or bad. My original plan was to jump straight into the drafting of the dialogue after the completion of the scenario, but in the state of mind that I was in, I felt that it was necessary to distance myself from the play. I amended my original plan and, instead of jumping directly into the dialogue, I took a two-week break from Capt. Jack's. During this time I didn't think about the play once. I didn't really think about anything related to theater, until I started working on the first draft, and 19 judging from the ease by which it came out, I think that this break was one of the most beneficial things that I did.
The First Draft The hardest part of writing the dialogue was getting it started. I decided that I was going to write the play in sequential style; that is, starting with act one, scene one. When I sat down to write the critical first words of the play, I froze up. I must have spent two days staring at my paper. Every time that I wrote something, I would decide that it was pretentious and scratch it out. Looking over my scenario, I knew what it was that I had to write, but I couldn't seem to find the appropriate first words. After a couple of frustrating days, I decided that I should go back to my collection to see if there was anything in it that could help me. I found a part of my collection where I had written about two pages of dialogue. When I read it over, it had none of the pretension that I was having trouble avoiding. Those two pages became the first two pages of Capt. Jack's, almost word for word. Once I got past this rough starting point, I wrote the dialogue in much the same way that Henrik Ibsen did; "It was his method to ponder a theme at length and then write a play swiftly in a matter of weeks, "i^ The rest of the
1^ Michael Meyer, The Plays of Ibsen; Volume One (New York; Washington Square Press, 1986) 7. 20 dialogue just poured out. On average I wrote about six pages a day. I would wake up every morning, read over what I had written the day before, and then look at my scenario and see what I had to write for that day. For example, I would look over my scenario and say to myself, "Today I need to write the part where the Star Trek Guy comes in." Every day I was able to complete the objectives that I intended to, and sometimes even a little more.
When I was writing the first draft, I didn't absolutely follow the form that I had set out in my scenario. Even though the shape of the play was set, I was still coming up with more ideas and characters. For me, writing the dialogue was a process of exeunining every aspect of a scene very closely; I made sure that of the words I chose were the proper ones. By looking at my play in this much detail, I would sometimes have new ideas. The sub-plot of Matty and Goulet is an example of this. I felt that Matty needed something else to do, besides just being a comedian, so I gave him the pursuit of Goulet. The saune thing happened with the character of Myra. I felt that he needed another action, so I gave him a love interest in Alaska. These missing actions were holes that I didn't notice until I was in the middle of the drafting the dialogue. There were also moments when new ideas would just sort of appear. Bill's monologue at the beginning of Scene Three is a perfect example. I needed a way to start that 21 scene, and without really thinking about it, I started to write his monologue. When I finished it, I looked back and liked it, even though it was not part of the original plan. When I got in the thick of writing the dialogue, things would take off in a different direction from what I had planed, and in most cases I liked the new direction more. It took me about two weeks to complete the first draft of the dialogue. From there I moved into the revision stage of my process.
The Process of Revising Capt. Jack's After the first draft was complete I turned it in to my thesis advisor. Dr. Norman Bert. While he went over the first draft I again found it necessary to take a break from the process. I found myself going through phases where I was in love with the play, and phases where I hated the play. Neither of these frames of mind is helpful during the revision process. I found that it was best if I was indifferent toward the play; I needed to look at the play objectively and make rational decisions about it. It took a period of "ripening" before I was able to look at Capt. Jack'3 rationally. 1-^
There were things that Dr. Bert noticed that were not apparent to me when writing the play. Mainly he noticed there was not a single character holding the focus of the
14 Smiley 30. 22 play. He noticed that the main character in the play was the club itself, and the story revolved around the life of the club. In some sense, the characters are part of a greater whole; they combine to form the main character of the play. This idea made the action of the play come into sharper focus for me. It made me see that I needed to shift the focus away from the events that transpired in the play, and then I could put the focus on how the events of the play affect the well-being of the club itself. The story of Capt. Jack's is the story of an entity whoes resistance to change leads to a state where it must change to survive. This idea did not come into full focus until the revision phase of my process. I needed to bring the life of the club to the forefront of the play, and I did this in a number of ways. First, I added scenes where the well-being of the club is directly discussed by the management of the club. Through their discussions, the character of Chris is described more as a medicine that can save a dying organism than as a comedian. Al is turned into a cancer on this organism that needs to be extracted. I showed more of how the club changed during the unfolding of the play and less of how the characters changed. Making these changes clarified the action of the play. The revising process helped me realize the potential of Capt. Jack's, yet I'm not sure if I will ever be finished revising the play. I feel that there is always room for 23 improvement. Even though the play is as good as I can get it right now, that does not mean that I will never think of ways to make it better. Revising a play is like the law of radioactive half-lives. The radioactivity of an isotope diminishes by halves; therefore it never is fully non radioactive. I think that Capt. Jack's is very close to being fully realized, but in twenty years I may feel the same way that Sam Shepard now feels about Tooth of Crime. That there is "something incomplete about it."i5 Nevertheless, I still consider Capt. Jack's complete for the meantime.
Evaluation of My Process
I consider my playwriting methodology a successful one. With very little anguish, I was able to write a full- length play, which I have never been able to do before. I can honestly say that there is nothing in my process that I would want to do differently. I was able to complete each objective that I set for myself, which ultimately culminated in a complete script that I am proud of. From the germinal idea to the collection, scenario, rough draft, and revised draft, I found this experience to be rewarding. As I continue to write plays, I am sure that my process and style of playwriting will continue to be refined, but I now know that I have a solid base method from which to work.
1^ Stephanie Coen, "Things at Stake Here," American Theater Sept. 1996: 28. 24 CHAPTER III DEFINING CAPT. JACK'S
No artist wants to have to explain what his/her work is about. It is like when a child draws a picture of a really cool tank and the child's grandmother looks at it and says, "That's nice. What is it?" To the artist, the meaning of his/her work should be obvious, or the work is deemed a failure. Although I would like the purpose of Capt. Jack's to be inherently obvious, as a beginning playwright I feel that defining what Capt. Jack's is and giving perspective on how it fits into current theater is a necessary step. This step will help me determine my role in current theater, and establish where I should go from here. In this chapter, I will first give my attitudes on assorted aspects of Capt. Jack's and then give examples of how these aspects fit into current theater. These aspects are characters, dialogue, plot structure, and theme. By looking at these, I can define what I have created and help myself find possible directions for future creations.
The Characters The characters in Capt. Jack's act as an ensemble. There is not one specific character that the play is about. The life of the club is what is important in the play, and
25 the complete action of the characters have an effect on the club's future. I have created a composite protagonist. Each of the characters serves a specific role to advance the action of this protagonist. Manny is the owner of the club. Bill and Parado run the club. Myra, Matty, and Al are there to keep people coming into the club. It is a cast based on communism; all of the characters work for the greater good of the club.
When the character of Chris comes in, his action is to advance his own career; however, the other characters bring him in to help better the club's life. By the end of the play, Chris winds up as part of the whole. He serves the same role as Matty and Myra. Al is banished from the club because his wishes conflict with the club's best interest. He is worried about the advancement of his personal career, but not the advancement of the whole. His individual actions leave him ostracized from the club. This is an exeunple of the importance of ensemble over the individual in the play. In current theater, there are many plays that have ensemble casts. It is a device that is widely used in modern comedy. The Foreigner by Larry Shue and Noises Off by Michael Frayn are examples of modern plays that use this device. Another example is Greater Tuna by Jaston and Sears. Although the play only has two actors in it, the
26 character construct is also that of an ensemble. An ensamble cast seems to be primarily a comedic device. Although Capt. Jack's has an ensemble cast, it is not necessarily a comedy. I took the idea of an ensemble to a level where specific characters came together to form the protagonist of the play.
The Dialogue I chose to have realistic dialogue in Capt. Jack's. The realistic words and idiosyncrasies that the characters use helped me convey the ideas of the characters. They speak in short bursts of words, and they often cut each other off. Each character thinks that what he or she is saying is more important than what the other is saying. An example of this can be seen in an exchange between Al and Myra in scene two:
MYRA Why do you do that? AL What? MYRA To the kids? The kids come in and try... AL He was sitting where he doesn't need to sit, it's policy, it's tradition. MYRA I know, but... AL
27 But nothing. We are a society who is losing touch with their traditions. We are nothing without... MYRA Ahhh, whatever.
In this exchange, Al thinks that he is saying something important, and Myra thinks that what he is saying is stupid. This is evident through the patterns established in their dialogue. The characters talk loudly and say nothing. I give David Mamet credit for inventing this style. In talking cibout Mamet's American Buffalo Gerald M. Berkowitz says something that is also relevant to the dialogue in Capt. Jack's;
Language gives them the confidence that they are capable of pulling off a job, even as their bumbling proves that they are not - that is to say, language gives them the confidence that they are worth something, even if the facts of their lives suggest otherwise.i^ Capt. Jack's reflects the Mamet-inspired trend of dialogue in American theater.
The Plot Structure When I was first thinking of ideas for Capt. Jack's, the play seemed to form naturally around a traditional plot structure. The play follows a linear path of balance, inciting incident, rising action, climax, and restoration
1^ Gerald M. Berkowitz. American Drama of the Twentieth Century (New York; Longman, 1992) 192. 28 of the balance. Later in my playwriting process, I pondered throwing in some non-traditional elements like non-sequential events or flashbacks. I quickly decided that a traditional structure would best suit the action of the play. Capt. Jack's has a clear, traditional line of action. There is a balance in the world of the comedy club. Chris comes in and disturbs that balance. Al tries to scibotage Chris's act, giving the play rising action. Chris is banished from the club, a false climeix. Then Al is discovered and banished from the club; the real climax. Chris comes back to the club, and a new order is established. The only part of the play that comes close to straying from this form is Scene Six, where I gave the play a false climax. Even though it is not readily apparent to the audience, this false climax can be seen as a further complication of the rising action. The traditional structure best serves Capt. Jack's line of action. Traditional plot structure is a solid base for any play, but many current playwrights are straying from it. In an effort to give new dimension to the theater, many modern plays make use of non-linear events and episodic structure. Peter Shaffer's Equus and Amadeus are examples of plays that make extensive use of non-sequential events in the form of flashbacks. Ride Down Mt. Morgan by Arthur Miller does the same. I don't think that a play must have
29 a traditional plot structure to be a valid piece of work, but it is a style that best served Capt. Jack's. If I changed the structure, it would only be an attempt at making Capt. Jack's something that it is not. It would only muddle the action.
The Theme There are many themes running through the action of Capt. Jack's. The major theme is a direct result of the action of the play. The action statement that I came up with for the play is; a group of low-talent comedians are forced to accept change in order to save their careers. The comedians see that their salvation is Chris, and they must accept him in order for their system to survive. Marilyn Ferguson saw this idea of survival of the system in the works of Sam Shepard.
The continuous movement of energy through the system results in fluctuations; if they are minor, the system damps them and they do not alter its structural integrity. But if the fluctuations reach a critical size, they "perturb" the system. They increase the number of novel interactions within it. They shake it up. The elements of the old pattern come into contact with each other in new ways and make new connections. The parts reorganize into a new whole. The system escapes into a higher order.^^
2^ Marilyn Ferguson, The Aquarian Conspiracy: Personal and Social Transformation in the 1980's (Los Angeles; Putnam, 1980) 145. 30 This quote can also be applied to Capt. Jack's. After banishing Al the "parts reorganize into a new whole." This action gives way to the major theme of the play. The theme of the play is set by a group of humans willing to sacrifice individuality for the betterment of the group. The major concern for all of the people who work in the club is that they continue to work in the club. For the betterment of the group, they fire Al and replace him with Chris. Al is dead weight, and they've been looking for someone better to come along. While attempting to sabotage Chris's career, Al gives the group an excuse to banish him. Al's demise results from the fact that he hasn't been acting for the good of the group. In a twist of fate, Al is replaced with Chris, the one he was trying to banish. The theme looks rather negatively on humanity and the human condition. It sees humans as greedy and self-serving. Al is greedy, and it costs him his career. The group's only concern is serving itself.
All plays say something about humanity and the human condition. It is a goal of theater to illustrate truths to the audience. Current theater is no exception to this. Whether the play is a fluffy musical, like Annie, or a psychological drama, like A Delicate Balance, the goal is to present truths about humanity. Shakespeare's plays are still fresh and relevant today because he illustrated humanity so well. Thematically, Capt. Jack's makes a
31 statement about humanity. This timeless quality will never go out of style.
Conclusions When I look at various aspects of my play, I can see that in some ways I eun following people who inspired me. This is not a problem for me because I am not imitating them, I cun just reflecting the influence that they had on me. My dialogue was influenced by Mamet, but I did not try to make it sound like Mamet. There are elements of the action that are reflective of Shepard, but I did not try to write a play that has the same action as Shepard's plays. With Capt. Jack's I did not try to hide my playwriting influences or copy my playwriting idols; instead, my influences led me to create a unique work.
32 BIBLIOGRAPHY
Berkowitz, Gerald M. American Drama of the Twentieth Century. New York: Longman, 1992. Coen, Stephanie. "Things at Stake Here," American Theater Sept. 1996: 28. Ferguson, Marilyn. The Aquarian Conspiracy; Personal and Social Transformation in the 1980's. Los Angeles; Putnam, 1980. Mamet, David. Writing in Restaurants. New York; Penguin Books, 1987. Meyer, Michael. The Plays of Ibsen; Volume One. New York: Washington Square Press, 1986. Smiley, Scuti. Playwriting; The Structure of Action. Englewood Cliffs, NJ; Prentice-Hall, Inc.,1971.
33 APPENDIX;
SCRIPT OF CAPT. JACK'S ALL NUDE SHRIMPBOAT REVIEW AND BURLESQUE SHOW by Miles Chick
34 The action takes place in a lower class comedy club in Las Vegas. The time is present.
SETTING The main focus of the set is a bar where the comedians sit. The club's stage, where the comedians perform, is in the background. When the comedians are doing thier act on this stage their lines are run over by the comedians at the bar. There is a constant background noise from the comedians and the audience. CHARACTERS AL GOLDEN is in his early sixties. He wears a dark maroon suit with a white shirt that has a wide collar. He wears lots of rings.
ALASKA JONES is very pretty and in her twenties. She is the club's waitress and bartender.
BILL CLARK is in his mid forties. He is starting to bald. He wears dark suits and carries a clipboard and stop watch. He is the club's manager.
CHRIS HARRISON is in his early twenties. He wears an old cowboy hat and dirty boots. He carries a guitar. MANNY is a woman in her mid fifties. She wears lots of flowing scarves and things. She owns the club. MATTY is about nineteen. He wears dirty jeans and a long sleeved T-shirt. He has a big stuffed Kermit the Frog mask that he wears the whole time. MYRA ROTH is in his late eighties and looks it. He wears an old pin-striped suit and has a very nice fountain pen. THE AMAZING PARADO is in his early forties and wears a very hip suit. He is the club's M.C. GOULET is a guy with a pencil thin moustach.
STAR TREK GUY AND HIS FRIEND
FAT BITCH'S ASS GUY 35 SCENE ONE (A comedy club, Saturday night, around 9:30. PARADO, BILL, MYRA, and MANNY are at the bar. MATTY is on the stage. The crowd laughs.)
MATTY (Onstage.) So, I'm finished, and the rest of you giggling fuckers can...uh...fuck-off. ) (The audience laughs. MATTY leaves the stage. PARADO goes on the stage.)
MANNY Oh, god, darling Matty, you...were...amazing, yes amazing. I don't throw that word around, honey, you were...
MATTY Bite me.
MANNY (Tearing up.) Amazing.
MATTY (To BILL) Gimme my money, bitch.
BILL It's always a pleasure...
MATTY Money, bitch!
BILL Alrighty-doo. (BILL tears a check and hands it to MATTY.)
36 MATTY (To MYRA.) Is Goulet here?
MYRA I saw him outside of the Flamingo, about... (AL enters.)
MATTY That asshole! (MATTY starts to run out of the bar and runs into AL.)
AL Freak.
MATTY Fuck.
MANNY He's a free spirit. (MANNY leaves to watch the acts. ALASKA comes to the bar.)
MYRA He's a funny boy.
AL He's a freak. Am 1 late?
MYRA No, Parado is just about to announce you.
AL (To the ALASKA.) Sweetheart, Rum and Coke. Alaska? Rum and Coke. (To MYRA.) I was at the El Cumbanchero...you know, talking to the manager...
MYRA Ahhh, you were not. 37 AL What d'you mean, "I was not." The manager there was talking to me about the M.C. job there...
MYRA Al, we've known each other for a while...
AL So.
MYRA (To ALASKA.) Martini, wet and dirty. (ToAL) So, I'm saying that you don't have to lie to me.
THE AMAZING PARADO (From the stage.) ...and I told the cowboy, I'll give you two Chihuahuas, you piece of shit! (The audience laughs loudly.)
AL If I tell you I'm talking to the manager...
BILL (ToAL) You're almost on.
MYRA It's insulting to me. (ALASKA gives the drink to MYRA.) Thank you, honey.
THE AMAZING PARADO (From the stage.) ...and a good friend of mine, Mr. Albert Golden! (Applause.)
38 BILL You're on.
AL You don't know insulting, you old...
MYRA I know that the El...
BILL Get on stage Al.
MYRA ...Cumbanchero would never consider...
THE AMAZING PARADO (From the stage.) Now comes the portion of the show where I'm stranded on stage like an asshole. (Audience laughs.)
BILL On stage Al!
AL I was gonna see if I could get you a job there...
MYRA Ahhhh...
AL (On his way to the stage.) Shove your fiddle up your ass.
MYRA It's a viola.
AL (From the stage. Applause.) Thank you, thank you...
39 THE AMAZING PARADO (Going to the bar.) Where was he? (To ALASKA.) Alaska...Whiskey sour please.
BILL The manager of the El Cumbanchero was going to give him the M.C. job.
THE AMAZING PARADO What the fuck ever.
BILL Then he was gonna shove Myra's violin... MYRA Viola.
BILL ...viola, up his ass.
THE AMAZING PARADO His ass or Myra's ass? MYRA And then he told me that he screwed your mother. THE AMAZING PARADO Look at what your humor has been reduced to. MYRA What? THE AMAZING PARADO Mama Jokes. Once you start telling mama jokes it's a slippery slope, ya loiow what I mean. MYRA Is that a Jew joke, "slippery slope." What did you mean by that? Don't you think you should stop drinking those girl drinks...you're gonna give yourself away, faggot. 40 THE AMAZING PARADO (To ALASKA.) Can I have a peach daquiri with three cherries and and a umbrella? (MANNY comes back to the bar. ALASKA leaves.)
MANNY (To PARADO.) You are a rock, you're my rock.
MANNY (MANNY hugs BILL.) And Bill...oh, dearest Bill.
THE AMAZING PARADO (To MYRA) Alright, old man, gimme a funny one.
MYRA (MYRA pulls out a cocktail napkin.) A funny one?
THE AMAZING PARADO Yeah.
MYRA (MYRA takes out a pen.) Funny ones cost extra.
THE AMAZING PARADO (To BILL.) How much time does he have?
BILL Al has five more minutes.
MYRA Okay...give it to me.
41 THE AMAZING PARADO (MYRA writes on the napkin.) There's this old Jewish asshole...
MYRA Fuck you.
THE AMAZING PARADO No, serious. There's this old Jewish guy and he has a fiddle up his ass...
MYRA Alright.
THE AMAZING PARADO And he goes to a doctor...cmd...uh...
MYRA I'm on the clock here.
THE AMAZING PARADO ...and...it's April fools day.
MYRA Is that it?
THE AMAZING PARADO Yeah, that's it...hurry up.
BILL You've got four minutes and twenty-five seconds.
THE AMAZING PARADO (Leaning over MYRA.) Can the old man do it? Does he still got it? Or is he Just too damn old?
BILL Four fifteen.
MYRA Shut up. 42 AL (From the stage.) When I met the great William H. Cosby, he kindly bequeathed these words of wisdom to me...
THE AMAZING PARADO Oh, shit, Al's bailing out early.
BILL (Looking at his stopwatch.) Jesus! Already.
MYRA Shhh.
THE AMAZING PARADO Has the old man finally failed.
AL (From the stage.) He said to me...
THE AMAZING PARADO He's starting his song. (MYRA writes feverishly.) AL (Sings.) Always leave 'em smiling. Always leave *em with a grin. Cause living in the crazy world. Can make your head spin.
MYRA There you go. (Folds the napkin and hands it to PARADO. MYRA and PARADO's dialogue overlap with the rest of the song.)
43 THE AMAZING PARADO (PARADO gives MYRA two dollars.) I knew you could do it. (PARADO reads the napkin.) I'm gonna use this one. This one's good.
MYRA I try.
AL (This part of AL's song is sung under the above dialogue.) If there's one thing they say about me. If there's one thing I'll be remembered by. They'll say... He always left *em smiling. Always with a grin. (Leaving the stage.) Thank you, it's been a pleasure. BILL (To PARADO. ALASKA returns to the bar.) You're on. THE AMAZING PARADO (Walking on the stage.) Give it up for Al Golden. (Applause.) So, once I met this old Jewish gentleman and he... AL (Coming over to the bar.) A little stiff tonight. MYRA You, the audience, or my dick. AL Has anyone ever told you that you were funny? Because they were lying. (To the bartender.) 44 Rum and Coke.
MYRA Alaska, one more martini. Wet and dirty. (Alaska blows him a kiss.)
BILL (Looking at his stopwatch.) Jeez, Al, three minutes and thirty seconds. (MANNY comes over to the bar.)
MANNY Oh, Albert, you're a legend.
AL (To BILL.) The owner seemed to like my act.
MANNY Like, Albert, like? Love, Albert, love!
BILL Well, the manager pays you for ten minutes.
AL You pay me because I'm a legend.
MYRA Legend?
AL Because my name brings people in. Do people come here to watch you manage? Do they come in to watch Bill Clark manage or to watch Myra Roth drink?
MYRA I'm pretty good at drinking.
BILL I understand Al, just...just try to give me a little more. I realize that it was a bad night for you.
45 AL Al Golden hasn't had a bad night since the spring of '62.
BILL Okay, Al, just give me a little more.
AL Bend over and I'll give you a little more.
MYRA That's a good one, you should write that one down.
THE AMAZING PARADO (From the stage.) ...and the doctor says, "April fools! And for another thousand I'll get the cello." (Big Laughter.) MANNY My dear Myra, was that one of yours. MYRA They laughed didn't they. MANNY Genius. THE AMAZING PARADO (From the stage.) We're gonna take a little break here and we'll be back for the second show around 10:45. Be sure to tip your lovely, hardworking waitress, Ms. Alaska Jones. (Applause.) You've been a great audience and I'll see you back here in about an hour. AL I'm gonna go get some food. BILL Try to be on time for the next show.
46 AL Ahhhh.
MYRA One more martini Wet and dirty.
SCENE TWO (The club, Monday night, around 8:00. BILL, ALASKA, and PARADO sit at the bar. MYRA enters.)
MYRA Am I late?
THE AMAZING PARADO Not yet. Martini, wet and dirty. (He slides the drink to MYRA.)
MYRA Thank you, kind sir. Alaska, my love how are you this evening? Are you keeping time tonight? (She kisses him on the head.)
BILL Parado we're going to start in about five.
MYRA Who do we have tonight?
BILL Just the regular, open mic folks.
THE AMAZING PARADO Regular assholes.
BILL Parado is going to M.C. and Matty is the paid act.
MYRA Matty, that's good...the kids really seem to like Matty...is the, uh, "fat bitches ass" guy here? 47 BILL (He checks his clipboard.) Yeah. MYRA That's good...he's got no act, but he pays well.
BILL And the "menstruation girl" and the "star trek guy" are here too. Alaska, time to start getting the audience drunk. (BILL and ALASKA leave the bar.)
MYRA (To ALASKA.) See ya soon, sugar.
THE AMAZING PARADO She likes you, man.
MYRA Fuck you.
THE AMAZING PARADO No, serious. She likes you, man. Do you like her? You like her, you dirty old coot.
MYRA We flirt. I flirt with her and she flirts back. She's generous, she's giving an old man a thrill.
THE AMAZING PARADO You oughta go for it.
MYRA It takes me about five hours to even prepare for going for it.
THE AMAZING PARADO Nah, you could get it up for Alaska.
MYRA Yeah...she's a gold mine.
48 THE AMAZING PARADO Hey!
MYRA Yeah! That's a good one...I'm gonna write that one down.
FAT BITCH'S ASS GUY (FAT BITCH'S ASS GUY comes to the bar.) Hey, man.
MYRA Hello! How are you tonight, sir.
FAT BITCH'S ASS GUY Okay, give me a joke about this fat bitch...
THE AMAZING PARADO Jesus.
FAT BITCH'S ASS GUY ...and she's real fat and she's bending over a couch. (pause)
MYRA Is that all.
FAT BITCH'S ASS GUY (He laughs a himself.) Yeah...that's it...I mean, what do you say, you know what I'm saying? I mean what do you say when you walk into a room and see this fat bitch bending over a couch? I mean like, whoa, what the hell is that, because it's so fat...and nasty...you know what I mean? (pause)
THE AMAZING PARADO Why is she bending over a couch?
FAT BITCH'S ASS GUY 'Cause.-.she's fat.
49 THE AMAZING PARADO What? Don't you think you should branch out into different areas? I mean you could start slow, like with the lower back or the backs of thighs.
FAT BITCH'S ASS GUY Yeah, that's good... (To MYRA.) Make it about a her thighs...that's funny.
MYRA Thigh jokes cost five dollars. FAT BITCH'S ASS GUY Okay. (MYRA starts to write.) BILL (To PARADO.) We're about ready, here. THE AMAZING PARADO Alright. (To MYRA.) Alaska, man, take your pick and head for the tundra. MYRA Ahhh, it's too damn cold. THE AMAZING PARADO (Heading for the stage.) That's two, that's two good ones right there. Write those down. (Onstage.) Thank you for coming out here tonight. I'm the Amazing Parado and I'll... MYRA (Folds a napkin and exchanges it for money. CHRIS enters.) There you go and good luck tonight.
50 CHRIS (CHRIS sits at the bar.) Who do I talk to about the open mic?
MYRA (Points to BILL.) That man right there.
CHRIS Is there room tonight?
BILL Room for what?
CHRIS The, um, open mic. There any spaces left? (PARADO leaves the stage and sits in the audience. FAT BITCH'S ASS GUY goes on.)
BILL Sure, sure there are. We can put you on right after the gentleman on stage now. Is that alright?
CHRIS Fine with me.
BILL You get five minutes, and you have to at least try to be funny. And when we shine a flashlight on the stage, that means your time is up and get off stage.
CHRIS Okay.
BILL What do you do? Like, um, cowboy comedy?
CHRIS I sing.
51 BILL Funny songs?
CHRIS Well...
BILL Well, we'll find out in about four minutes. (AL enters and approaches the bar.)
MYRA (To CHRIS.) Myra Roth, good luck tonight. (They shake hands.)
CHRIS Chris Harrison, thank...
AL (To CHRIS.) Comfy?
CHRIS Huh?
AL You, your seat, is it comfortable?
CHRIS I guess it's...
AL That's good, I'm glad you feel at home here.
CHRIS Thank...
AL And maybe some day when your all grown up and getting paid to work here you can sit here again.
52 CHRIS What?
AL This section is reserved for paid comedians only. So, up 'en at 'em, out a here, andale. What are you...a cowboy?
CHRIS I sing.
AL A singing cowboy?
CHRIS I guess. AL How about that, a singing cowboy. Like Roy Rodgers. Where's Trigger? CHRIS Who the fuck are... AL Relax. I'm just playing with ya. BILL What's your name again? CHRIS Chris Harrison. BILL Alright, Chris. Have a seat out front and the M.C. will announce you. (Applause. FAT BITCH'S ASS GUY leaves the stage. PARADO goes on the stage.) AL I love open mic night.
53 MYRA Why do you do that?
AL What?
MYRA To the kids. The kids come in and try...
AL He was sitting where he doesn't need to sit, it's a policy, it's tradition.
MYRA I know, but... AL But nothing. We are a society who is losing touch with their traditions. We are nothing without... MYRA Ahhh, whatever. AL Without our traditions we fall apart...I'm doing the world a favor. (MATTY enters. CHRIS takes the stage.) Rum and Coke. MATTY How much time do I have? MYRA I think there are three more acts before you. AL (To MATTY.) Freak. MATTY Fat Fuck. Is Manny here? 54 MYRA I don't think so.
MATTY (STAR TREK GUY and his friend enter.) Have you seen Goulet?
MYRA He was sitting by the front door earlier.
MATTY That asshole! (MATTY runs off.) STAR TREK GUY Um, Hey.
MYRA How do you do? STAR TREK GUY (To his friend.) See this guy, this guy here, he wrote for Jackie Gleason. MYRA No, no. I sold him a few jokes, that's all. STAR TREK GUY Yeah, that's so cool. (To his friend.) And watch you can tell him anything and he'll make a joke out of it. (To MYRA.) Will you do it, will you make up a joke? MYRA Sure, for five dollars.
55 STAR TREK GUY Okay, so there's this guy and he's walking down the street and he sees this, uh, this Klingon. Just out of no where this Klingon appears...
AL What the hell is a Klingon?
MYRA Yeah, what's a Klingon?
STAR TREK GUY Really!? You guys really don't know what a Klingon is?
MYRA and AL No.
STAR TREK GUY It's a guy...well, it's a race of guys...from Star Trek. AL Jesus Christ.
MYRA (Simultaneous with AL.) Again with the Star Trek. Every week you come in here, you tell your space jokes and no one gets it. STAR TREK GUY I think it's funny. MYRA What you need is common ground. I don't think as many people watch Star Wars as you think. STAR TREK GUY Trek, Star Trek. AL Why don't you just tell jokes about your penis, like a normal kid.
56 MYRA Why not? Huh? Dick jokes are very popular with your generation, and they're easy.
STAR TREK GUY But 1 like Star Trek.
MYRA Here's what I'm going to do for you. I'm gonna write you one good dick joke, free of charge, and if it doesn't get twice as big a laugh as anyone of your space jokes, then I'll write you three space jokes for free. How about that.
STAR TREK GUY Okay.
MYRA (STAR TREK GUY sits at the bar.) Alright then.
AL How much you gettin paid tonight? STAR TREK GUY Huh? AL How much are you gettin paid to perform? STAR TREK GUY Nothing. AL Nothing? Huh, no thing... then stand your ass up. Only comedians on the pay roll sit here. STAR TREK GUY Really? AL Yeah, really. You have to stand till you get paid. (STAR TREK GUY stands.) 57 THE AMAZING PARADO Hey! Hey, watch this kid, he's actually funny.
MYRA (Hands STAR TREK GUY a napkin.) There you go, and good luck with it.
THE AMAZING PARADO Hey, you old farts, watch this kid...watch him he's funny. (They turn to see CHRIS on stage.)
CHRIS Now, this one explores the unique relationship between mankind and the animal kingdom...! hope you like it. (CHRIS sings.) I got a monkey on my shoulder. He does lots of tricks. I got a monkey on my shoulder, oh yeah. I got a monkey on my shoulder. I'm gonna take him home and fuck him. I got a monkey on my shoulder, oh yeah. 'Cause I'm a monkey fucker you know that it's true. Gonna take him home and fuck him till he blue. Yes, I'm a monkey fucker you know that it's true. I'm gonna take him home and fuck him till he's blue, How 'bout you?
MYRA See, there you go, fucking monkeys, that's funny.
BILL (To PARADO. ALASKA comes back to the bar.) What do you think about this kid?
AL Vulgar isn't funny.
MYRA If it isn't funny then why is the audience laughing?
58 THE AMAZING PARADO (Quietly, to BILL.) Do you have his phone number?
BILL I'll get it when he's finished.
AL I just don't think he's funny. Rum and Coke.
SCENE THREE (Daytime at the club, around 2:00. The chairs are on the tables. PARADO and BILL sit at a table.) BILL ...so, there we were at the company picnic, and my kid decides, out of no where, that he's not getting enough attention, or some damn thing. And, I'm playing third base, and my kid starts hauling ass toward me...and I'm figuring that he needs to go to the bathroom or crapped in his pants or something. So, I lean down, like, "What's the matter, Billy." and the kid runs up to me and kicks me...square in the nuts.
THE AMAZING PARADO No shit! BILL Yeah, really, just right in my nuts. So, I, just out of instinct yell, "Fuck." Real loud, and 1 double over and grab him by the back of his shirt and march his ass right to the dugout. And I say, as calm as I can, "Billy, why did you kick your father's testicles." THE AMAZING PARADO You really said testicles?
59 BILL Yeah. And that little shit looked at me and said, "Because, it's always funny in the movies." So, 1 turn him over my knee and spanked his butt right there.
THE AMAZING PARADO In front of everyone?
BILL In front of my boss, all the other managers, my wife, everyone. The bitch of it is, that the next Monday I get a fax from my boss and it says that I "don't promote the same values of the company." And that "I was no longer of any use," to them. (CHRIS enters.) THE AMAZING PARADO No shit.
BILL What are you gonna do?
CHRIS Hey. BILL (BILL and PARADO stand and shake hands with CHRIS.) Hey, Chris. Glad you could make it...this man's name is Parado. CHRIS Par... what? THE AMAZING PARADO Par...ah...dough. CHRIS Parado? THE AMAZING PARADO Yeah. You got it. 60 CHRIS You were the M.C. last night.
THE AMAZING PARADO Yeah, right.
CHRIS That was good. You were funny.
THE AMAZING PARADO Thanks, likewise, you've got a good act there.
BILL Your act is the reason we called you.
CHRIS Why?
BILL Because we liked it. You did a good job at the open mic and we wanted to see if you wanted to get paid to do it this weekend.
CHRIS Really?
BILL Really.
THE AMAZING PARADO Have a seat, lemme get you some coffee. (PARADO goes to the bar.) BILL Did you make up all of your songs?
CHRIS What 'd you mean?
61 BILL You didn't take some one else's act? I have to make sure...that, um, that were not going to have anyone suing us because we're making money off of an act you saw on H.B.O. on something.
CHRIS No, no, no...
BILL You made 'em up...all by yourself?
CHRIS Sitting alone in my bed room.
BILL Great, 'cause one thing we don't tolerate...and we let our comedians get away with a lot...is stealing material.
CHRIS No problem.
BILL Fine. I just have to say that.
CHRIS (PARADO come back.) I understand
BILL So, what we're gonna give you is five minutes, this Friday...
THE AMAZING PARADO You can do the same act you did last night...
BILL And we'll give you twenty-five dollars and two free drinks, after two it comes out of your money. And if it goes well this Friday then we can give you five minutes Saturday too.
CHRIS I just do the same thing? 62 THE AMAZING PARADO Same thing.
CHRIS I don't have to do new material?
BILL Why don't you just do what you did before...
THE AMAZING PARADO And, later, you can start working different stuff into your act. But you don't have to...we've got a guy here who's been doing the same shit since the spring of'62. (PARADO stands.) CHRIS Okay. BILL Okay, we'll see you on Friday. You'll be going on first so try to be here around 6:30, 6:45. CHRIS Alright. THE AMAZING PARADO See you Friday. (Pause, while BILL and PARADO wait for CHRIS to exit.) BILL Who's time are we cutting? THE AMAZING PARADO You know what I think. BILL Do you think he'll quit if we cut his time?
63 THE AMAZING PARADO He knows no one else will give him a gig. He can't quit. He knows that he sucks.
BILL But it's a risk...I mean, he's right you know, his name does bring people in.
THE AMAZING PARADO A funny act is gonna bring more people in then the name Al Golden. And what the fuck does he care it we cut his time to five minutes, he only uses three and a half.
BILL I'm not paying him for time he doesn't even have. I'm cutting his money in half too.
THE AMAZING PARADO Ah, see that's where you run into trouble. BILL So will he quit? THE AMAZING PARADO No. He won't quit, he'll be pissed, but he won't quit. No one else would even come close to paying him half of what we're paying him now. We need to start looking at the bottom line. Ya know? The club needs more people in the seats, and this kids act'll bring them in. It's time to trim the fat and replace it with muscle. You know what I mean?
BILL (Pause.) Okay, Al's time is cut in half. You wanna call him? THE AMAZING PARADO Fuck you, you spineless retard, you call him. BILL I'll flip you for it.
64 THE AMAZING PARADO Alright.
BILL You call it. (BILL flips a coin.)
THE AMAZING PARADO Heads.
BILL (BILL looks at the coin.) Tails, you call him.
THE AMAZING PARADO Fuck you, lemme see that...fine, you buttfuck, I'll call him.
SCENE FOUR (Late Friday night. About 1:55am.) THE AMAZING PARADO (PARADO is on stage; tired and disheveled. MYRA is passed out at the bar.) You've got about flve minutes to flnish your drinks, after that you have to go some where else, but if you're going somewhere else to drink then it's probably time to re evaluate your lives. You should join A.A. and start spending time with your kids, they miss you...rm tired...go home, for Christ sake...show's over. (PARADO goes to the bar.)
BILL (BILL goes to the mic.) I'm, um, writing checks at the bar...for anyone who needs to get paid...thank you.
THE AMAZING PARADO (To MYRA.) Wake up you drunk bastard.
65 MYRA Huh?
THE AMAZING PARADO Time to wake up little sunshine.
MYRA What time is it?
THE AMAZING PARADO Time for you to take your ass home.
BILL (To MYRA, looking at his clipboard.) Fifty dollars for ten minutes...and you had thirteen martinis, two of which were free, leaves eleven martinis and that leaves you with seventeen dollars. Sound right to you?
MYRA Not bad, I contend, not bad at all...
BILL (To PARADO.) Will you see if Alaska will take him home?
THE AMAZING PARADO (To MYRA) I'm gonna see if Alaska can take you home.
MYRA ...seventeen dollars...seventeen dollars for ten minutes, and I got drunk...not bad.
THE AMAZING PARADO Alaska. MYRA Alaska? THE AMAZING PARADO Yeah, I'm gonna see if she can take you home.
66 MYRA Alaska's takin' me home?
THE AMAZING PARADO Yes. So try to be coherent.
MYRA Yeah, I gotta be cool for Alaska.
THE AMAZING PARADO Comb your hair and stop drooling. (PARADO leaves.) MYRA Gotta be cooooL.. (MYRA passes out.) BILL (Yells across the bar.) Matty, have you been paid?
MATTY (Approaching the bar.) No, and you haven't paid me for last Saturday either, shit head!
BILL Are you sure? MATTY Are you trying to stiff me, you prick! BILL No, I, uh... MATTY Don't fuck with me. You know what happens when people fuck with me? Goulet tried to fuck with me, now he's scared to show his damn face! Do you know how hard I can kick your ass?
67 MYRA (From his stupor.) Goulet's a dead men...Matty's gonna kill him...Goulet's fucked man.
MATTY See, everyone knows how fucked Goulet is.
BILL (BILL starts to write a check. AL comes to the bar, he's drunk.) Okay, um, Matty...good job tonight. (Gives him a check.)
MATTY You're a big pussy. (MATTY leaves.)
BILL Thanks, see you tomorrow night. Okay, Al, twenty-five dollars for five minutes, and you had eight rum and cokes, two of which were free leaves you with seven dollars...that sound right?
AL Sure.
BILL You want cash or a check?
AL Whatever. I don't fucking care.
BILL (BILL takes out his wallet and hands AL cash.) Cash it is.
CHRIS Can I get paid?
68 BILL (Looking a clipboard.) Yes sir. Good job tonight. You really got 'em laughing.
CHRIS Thanks.
BILL You wanna do it again Saturday?
CHRIS Sure.
BILL Great, great. Okay, you had five minutes for twenty-five dollars and, um, and no drinks?
CHRIS None at all.
BILL Alright. So that's twenty-five even.
AL You didn't even take your two free...
CHRIS Nope. AL (AL goes behind the bar to fix drinks.) WelL.Well then, I'll have a rum and coke...and what'll you have? CHRIS Uh, beer...Bud. I'll have a Bud.
AL And one pisswater for my friend here.
69 BILL I'm gonna lock the doors in about fifteen minutes, so drink em fast.
AL No problem. (To CHRIS.) That was good, your act tonight I mean.
CHRIS Well, I was...
AL And you haven't had a drink all night?
CHRIS No.
AL Are you stoned?
CHRIS No.
AL Totally sober?
CHRIS Totally and completely. AL Well, see that's your problem. You need to relax up there, I mean what you did up there, it was a good start, but a little stiff. Next time you go kick back a few...just see what happens. CHRIS I don't want...I mean, I need to stay focused up... (PARADO comes back to the bar.)
70 AL No, no, no! I've been at this a long time, I've got a lot of experience at this. What you need is to not concentrate as much! Ya see, you gotta let it flow...flow, you understand.
THE AMAZING PARADO Don't listen to this guy, he doesn't know a damn thing.
AL Fuck you Parado. 1 know...I've seen it all.
THE AMAZING PARADO (To MYRA) I thought I told you to comb your hair, young man!
MYRA Cool, I'm cool.. (He looks a CHRIS.) I'm having sex with Alaska tonight.
CHRIS The entire population?
MYRA Ahhh...that's good...write that down.
THE AMAZING PARADO (PARADO helps MYRA stand.) Come on, kid. MYRA Where's Alaska?
PARADO, CHRIS AND AL North. MYRA Ha-Ha. Everyone's a comedian, everyone's a funny-man.
THE AMAZING PARADO She's waiting for you in her car. Come on.
71 MYRA Alaska, my love, here I come...comin' ta get cha!
THE AMAZING PARADO Keep it in your pants man. See you guys tomorrow. (PARADO and MYRA exit.) AL They're a good bunch of guys.
CHRIS They seem pretty cool.
AL Yeah..."coor'....yeah. (Pause.) You know what your act needs?
CHRIS What?
AL Well, I'll tell you...it needs closure.
CHRIS Closure. (MANNY comes to the bar.) AL Yeah, you need an ending. Something to tie it all together. You need... MANNY Wonderful act tonight, boys, wonderful. CHRIS Thank you. MANNY And Christopher, oh, honey...you, you have a freshness, a vibrance.
72 CHRIS So do you.
MANNY Oh, no. I'm an old woman. 1 envy you, don't you envy this young man Albert?
AL Oh yeah, he's great.
MANNY Well, good night, love ya.
CHRIS Goodnight. (ToAL.) Who is that?
AL That's Manny. She owns the club. She's nuts. Her husband died and left her a shit-load of money. She didn't know what to do with it so she started this club. It's her money that's keeping the doors open. But now...
CHRIS Now what?
Al Well, I mean, this club has been draining her money for years. There are limits to her generosity. CHRIS What does that mean? AL That means that, barring a miracle, this place is gonna go under. So, closure, your act leaves the audience hanging...you gotta grab 'em. Make 'em feel like they...like they just experienced something special, you understand? CHRIS I think so. 73 Like you gave them something...gave them something from yourself. That's what a lot of kids don't understand. Matty, that vulgar twirp, he doesn't understand
CHRIS No?
AL No. But you understand, don't you?
CHRIS Sure.
AL Have you seen my act?
CHRIS I've been meaning to, but not...
AL That's okay, doesn't matter...
CHRIS I hear it's good.
AL Yes...Yes it is good. It's great and I'll tell you why. Because I've perfected the art of enrapturing the audience. IVe been perfecting my act since the spring of'62...tweaking it. Do you know what tweaking means?
CHRIS Yes.
AL Well, I'll tell you what it means. Changing it, tightening it up till it's firm. Till the audience loves you. Till the slobbering, drunk masses want you to be their friend. Till old ladies want you to come over for chicken pot pie...
74 CHRIS I love chicken pot pie.
AL Don't get smart! I'm trying to help you. Do you want my help?
CHRIS Of course.
AL Of course you do...'cause I'm the best. Now I want you listen. I'm going to tell you how to make them love you. (Pause) The ending.
CHRIS Right.
AL Closure.
CHRIS Just like you were saying. AL Just like I was saying. Now you tell me, who was a good closer? Who made the audience feel like they've just been given something? CHRIS Richard Pryor. AL No! Not that...guy. Dean Martin was a closer, "That's Amore." That was an ending. Bob Hope was the king of all closers, "Thanks for the memories." Does it get any better than that? Do you wanna go any where in this business?
CHRIS Yes.
75 AL Do you wanna impress some big shots?
CHRIS Yes.
AL Then give 'em an ending. That is something that I have yet to see any young comedian do. And yet, that's what the big shots wanna see. Everyone is waiting for a young guy, like you, to come along and enrapture the audience and bring the audience in, like they did in the old days. And you, you've got the stuff, you've got the God given talent, charisma and wit. All you need is an ending.
CHRIS (Pause.) Yeah. AL Yeah. CHRIS You're right. AL I know, I know I'm right. So, are you performing tomorrow? CHRIS Yes. AL Then you need to do it. You need to have an ending by tomorrow. CHRIS I can't just come up with it overnight. AL Well, it's important. Saturday's a big night, a lot of people come on Saturdays...managers of the big clubs, network 76 scouts and you gotta wow 'em...the first time out. If you don't grab 'em the first time they see you...then you don't have much of a chance. 1 mean, they wanna see something the first time.
CHRIS Yeah?
AL Yeah.
CHRIS I just...I just don't think I can come up with something that fast.
AL That's a predicament...hmmm. Well I'll tell you what you can do. I've got a great, great closer you can use. (Matty enters and sits at the table that is far away from the bar.) CHRIS For real? AL Sure. It's yours. I haven't used it since the late fifties. No one will recognize it. You can just use it to get you through tomorrow. Can you sing? CHRIS Well, yeah. AL Of course, of course you can...you've got your guitar, right? Okay, I start off with an anecdote about when I met Bud Abbott...you couldn't have met Abbott, you're too damn young. We'll change it, change it to Cosby, everyone loves Cosby. You wanna write this down. CHRIS Yeah, yeah right.
77 AL Okay, say, "When I met Bill Cosby," no wait, say William H. Cosby. The great William H. Cosby. Alright, "When I met the great William H. Cosby he kindly bequeathed these words of wisdom to me..." And then you go into the song,
CHRIS And this'U work. AL It'll knock 'em dead. Get your guitar, I'll teach you the song.... INTERMISSION
78 SCENE FIVE (Saturday night about 7:20. MYRA is on the stage, sitting on a stool, and holding a viola. CHRIS and BILL are at the bar.)
MYRA ...and my wife says, "Well, that beats me. I've only got these four cards with A's on them." (Audience laughs loudly.) Yeah, she's not the brightest woman in the world...
CHRIS I didn't know he was married.
BILL He's not. His wife died about fifteen years ago. CHRIS Man, he's good. He's got a good ending...his act has closure to it.
BILL Myra is one of the best. When you do something long enough...ya know? CHRIS No. What? BILL Well, I mean, he's been around a long time. He's picked things up from legends...he's even shown some legends a thing or two. (PARADO takes the stage.) You're about to be on. CHRIS Oh yeah. BILL Good luck tonight.
79 CHRIS Thanks. (CHRIS leaves. MYRA comes to bar.)
MYRA Yes sir, yes sir, it's a good crowd tonight.
BILL That's the best reaction you've gotten in a long time.
MYRA I'm revived.
BILL Revived.
MYRA Revitalization, yes sir. (CHRIS takes the stage. PARADO comes to the bar.)
THE AMAZING PARADO Hey-hey old man...look at you
MYRA Shut up.
THE AMAZING PARADO Is that a new suit...do you have mousse in your hair?
MYRA It's Palm-aid. Leave me alone.
THE AMAZING PARADO You're so damn dapper. (PARADO pinches him on the cheek.) Did you hear all of the laughs you got tonight. And you did it on a Saturday. You, my friend, killed 'em on a Saturday night. MYRA They were a good crowd. 80 THE AMAZING PARADO Good crowds are made. Made, not born. You made them a good...they didn't walk off the street laughing like that. And look out there, you see that guy, that guy right there, he is a scout for the Grand Royal Pompadour.
MYRA No shit.
THE AMAZING PARADO None, none at all.
MYRA The Grand Royal, huh?
THE AMAZING PARADO And he was laughing his ass off. I counted four other scouts out there. And you knocked all of them on their ass. MYRA Really? THE AMAZING PARADO Look, look at that smile. Bill, look at this...look at this old smilin' fuck. BILL He's got alot to smile about... THE AMAZING PARADO I'll tell you what he's smiling most about....am I right ol' man, huh? Do I know what it is that's makin' you smile the most? MYRA I don't know what your talking about. THE AMAZING PARADO Oh, I think you do. I think you know. Hey Bill, come here...come here, 1 gotta secret to tell you. Myra's got a girlfriend. 81 MYRA Fuck you.
THE AMAZING PARADO Myra did you get it on with Alaska last night?
MYRA I didn't...I didn't get it on...
THE AMAZING PARADO Then why are you so fucking happy, huh?
MYRA We didn't do anything, she took now home...that's all.
THE AMAZING PARADO Are you sure?
MYRA You saw me last night, a man in that condition isn't...
THE AMAZING PARADO Did you kiss her?
MYRA No.
THE AMAZING PARADO Did she kiss you?
MYRA No. THE AMAZING PARADO You're lying. You kissed her.
MYRA We didn't kiss, alright, I didn't kiss her, she didn't kiss me. She took me home and...
82 THE AMAZING PARADO What, and what...
MYRA Nothing.
THE AMAZING PARADO You better tell me before I kick your ass.
MYRA She took me home and she...and I, I...
THE AMAZING PARADO What?
MYRA I threw up...on her...in her car.
THE AMAZING PARADO You threw up? You mean barf, you barfed on her?
MYRA Yes.
THE AMAZING PARADO (MATTY comes to the bar.) Myra, my friend, poor confused Myra. Why the fuck are you so happy if you threw up on her?
MYRA It was encouraging...! mean...
THE AMAZING PARADO Bill, come here. Does Myra look sick? Tell me, tell me and Bill how you can throw up on a girl and be encouraged by it? MYRA Well, she reacted...she didn't lose her mind...she just walked me into my apartment, cleaned herself up, put me to bed and said good night.
83 THE AMAZING PARADO Yeah, I guess that's good.
BILL Could have been worse.
THE AMAZING PARADO Much worse.
MYRA See what I mean. It was encouraging.
THE AMAZING PARADO That's what I like about you Myra...you can see the positive in everything. I had no idea you could barf on a girl and still have a chance with her.
MATTY I barf on girls all the time.
THE AMAZING PARADO (Pause.) Really.
MATTY Yeah, once I barfed on this chick, then fucked her, then killed her goldfish, and fucked her again.
MYRA That's nice, Matty.
MATTY I fucking loved her.
THE AMAZING PARADO I see why. (Pause.) MYRA Now, now, you see, I have a plan. And that is why I'm happy.
84 THE AMAZING PARADO What do you mean "plan" ?
MYRA I'm not drinking to night.
THE AMAZING PARADO Fuck you.
MYRA Really.
THE AMAZING PARADO Serious?
MYRA I stay sober all night, see. And then when closing time comes I fiop down on the bar, like I passed out. That's where you come in.
THE AMAZING PARADO What am I comin' in to do?
MYRA You go ask Alaska if she'll give me a ride home.
THE AMAZING PARADO And she says, "Fuck no! He yakked on me last night!"
MYRA You gotta convince her.
THE AMAZING PARADO How do I do that?
MYRA Tell her that no one else can do it and it's too late to call a cab.
THE AMAZING PARADO Cabs run all night, dipshit.
85 MYRA Just do it, for an old man, for your friend...
THE AMAZING PARADO You're using all that Jewish guilt shit. I've read about that shit.
MYRA Just do it.
THE AMAZING PARADO "Just do it." Who are you. Air Myra?
MYRA Come on.
THE AMAZING PARADO The things you have to do when you're old, straight, and desperate.
MYRA Like it's so much better for you...a middle-aged, desperate, faggot.
THE AMAZING PARADO Good point. Of course I'll help an old man get laid.
CHRIS (From the stage.) ...when I met the great William H. Cosby and he...
THE AMAZING PARADO What did he just say?
MYRA Who?
THE AMAZING PARADO Chris, on stage, he's doin' Al's act.
MYRA No he's not. Why would he do Al's act? It sucks. 86 THE AMAZING PARADO Shh.
CHRIS ...to me. He said... (CHRIS sings.) Always leave 'em smilin' Always with a grin... (CHRIS continues the song.)
THE AMAZING PARADO What, in the everlasting fuck, is he doing?
MYRA That's Al's stupid act...that's his stupid song right there.
THE AMAZING PARADO He's stealing it. He's stealing the dumbest act of all time.
MYRA I don't understand this.
AL (AL runs over to the bar.) What the fuck is going on?
THE AMAZING PARADO L..
AL He's stealing my shit.
MYRA He must not know any...
AL My ass he doesn't know!
THE AMAZING PARADO Al, relax.
87 AL Relax?
THE AMAZING PARADO Relax, go sit down, I'll take care of this.
AL See, this is what happens...this is what happens when you let just anyone walk on the stage!
THE AMAZING PARADO I'll take care of it Al!
CHRIS (Coming to the bar.) Hey Al, how was that?
AL I oughta kick your ass right here! (AL throws his drink at CHRIS.)
CHRIS Wha..
THE AMAZING PARADO Myra, get Al out of here.
MYRA Come on big fella.
AL What the hell am I gonna do for my act?
MYRA Parado'll take care of it. (Pause.) THE AMAZING PARADO I am just fucking baffled. I don't know what to say.
CHRIS Well.. 88 THE AMAZING PARADO Don't say anything. One, you've embarrassed yourself enough tonight, and two, there really isn't an excuse for what you just fucking did. You come in here on your flrst Saturday night and just do the dumbest fucking thing I ever saw in my life. I mean, it's Saturday night...there are a lot of people out there, big people. People who would have been impressed with you. (Pause.) You've got the dumbest look on your face, like you don't even understand what's going on. You understand that you just stole Al's act?
CHRIS Yeah, but...
THE AMAZING PARADO You must not understand. I'll tell you what you can do. Why don't you just get the fuck out of here...come back tomorrow during the day and get your check. CHRIS Will I, um...I mean...can I perform here any... THE AMAZING PARADO Again? You wanna know if you can perform here again? Um, well, well that's not my call. You'll have to talk to Bill about that, but I doubt it. I really fucking doubt it. I don't think you'll be able to perform any where again. I mean everyone knows Al's stupid act. You really just shot yourself in the foot. But, uh, talk to Bill tomorrow. Maybe he didn't notice what you just did, maybe he thought it was post-modern comedy or some shit. Now go, I don't think anyone wants to see your face in here...including me.
SCENE SIX (Daytime at the club. BILL and CHRIS sit at a table. PARADO watches from across the club.)
89 BILL Maybe you misunderstood the dynamics of the way things work around here. I realize that no one particularly likes Al and that none of us think that he's got much of an act...and, me being, basically and outsider to this whole performance- comedy thing, I think I can understand your perspective...
CHRIS My perspective has nothing...
BILL You come in here and think, "Hey, no one likes this Al guy. I can come in, fuck him over and score some points with the other guys." But that's not how things work. By stealing someone else's material you label yourself.
CHRIS So now I'm labeled, I'm on some big blacklist... BILL Well, honestly...yes. I mean, I can't let you perform here any more. You broke the rules, their rules, in front of alot of people. Look, our club is a proving ground and retirement home, you know what I'm saying?
CHRIS No idea. BILL We're a small club and we don't pay very much. Our comedians are either on their way up or on their way down, and Vegas is still a comedy town. Therefore, we get a lot of people who are looking for new acts. So when you say that you've blacklisted yourself...you really have. In one swift blow you've managed to piss-off all of the comedians in this town simultaneously; making it impossible for any club owner or manager to put you up on their stage. You've given yourself a reputation.
CHRIS So that's it. That's all...what the hell am I supposed to do now? 90 BILL Do whatever it was you did before.
CHRIS Before? Before, I was working my ass off trying to get a paying gig. That was before.
BILL Well, you could just wait it out, let this whole thing blow over, or you could try another city.
CHRIS You know Vegas is the last comedy city.
BILL New York...
CHRIS New York is dead and you know it.
BILL Well, I don't know what to tell you except that we can't have you on our stage any more.
CHRIS (Pause.) Fuck you.
BILL What?
CHRIS Fuck you.
BILL Fuck you. I put you on my stage and you fucked up! You embarrass me, okay, I did you a favor and you make me look like a chump. I mean, what did I tell you? You emember?
CHRIS 91 No.
BILL I told you not to steal material. You can't get away with that because chances are that someone has seen it. And in the case of Al Golden, well fuck, everyone's seen it.
CHRIS He gave me that song!
BILL Bullshit.
CHRIS He did.
BILL Do I look like a total dumb-ass?
CHRIS Why would I lie? BILL (Pause.) I'm a quiet guy. A lot of the time 1 just sit back and don't say much. Quiet, but not stupid, not dumb quiet, not like a potted plant. I know Al Golden and I know what I saw you do. Now, how could I believe that Al gave you that song? That goes against everything I know about Al.
CHRIS He did. BILL I can't believe that. CHRIS He did! BILL When I met the great William H. Cosby blah, blah, blah...Al's not a creative guy...It probably took him five months just to 92 dream up that stupid line. There is no way he would give you that.
CHRIS He said that I could have that song last Friday.
BILL You're lying, you're starting to get desperate and lie...it's not attractive.
CHRIS Jesus Christ!
BILL All you had to do was the same act you did before. It was good enough...you had a future. Now, you've proven, in front of everyone, that you can't come up with your own material, and that you have bad taste when you do steal something. I mean, where the hell did you steal the rest of your act from?
CHRIS I made my act up myself. BILL How the hell am I supposed to believe that? But at this point it doesn't matter because you can't work here anymore and no one else in this town is gonna believe you because of what they saw last night. CHRIS (Pause.) 1 guess that's all then. BILL I guess so. Here's your last check. CHRIS Okay, well, thanks for nothing, you prick. BILL Sorry it didn't work out. 93 (CHRIS exits. PARADO crosses to BILL.)
PARADO Ain't that a bitch.
BILL Yup. You wanna call Al and give him his time back?
PARADO No. Not really.
BILL We don't have much of a choice.
PARADO Did you see how many people Chris brought in last night? He could have really saved our asses.
BILL Maybe someone else'll come along.
PARADO (Laughing.) Yeah, maybe. They better come along soon 'cause we're on a sinking ship here.
BILL Don't I know it.
SCENE SEVEN (The club, Friday night about 8:00. MATTY is on the stage. He has a burlap sack with a person in it. Audience members are few and far between.)
MATTY This is an example...everyone see this... (MATTY kicks the sack.)
94 This is an example of what happens when you fuck with me...let this be a lesson to everyone in the world. Now this fuck is gonna say that he's sorry. (MATTY pulls the sack up to the mic and pulls GOULET out of it.) Say you're sorry.
GOULET Help me.
MATTY You fuck! Say you're sorry for stiffing me.
GOULET I'm sorry.
MATTY For what, peckerwood!
GOULET For stiffing you.
MATTY Now tell everyone in the audience how much you like it in the ass.
GOULET What?
MATTY Tell them you like it in the ass!
GOULET I like it in the ass.
MATTY (MATTY puts GOULET back in the bag. The audience is silent.) Why arn't you assholes laughing? (Kicks the bag.) This is funny! You better laugh! (Audience is silent.) 95 Laugh or I'm gonna kick your ass! (Audience is silent.) Laugh now, pricks! (Nervous laughter.) Louder! (Bigger nervous laughter.) That's better. I'm gonna drag this punk into the alley and anyone else who wants to beat his ass can give me twenty bucks. (MATTY drags GOULET off the stage. PARADO takes the stage.) THE AMAZING PARADO Give it up for Matty. I guess he was doing performance art or something... (MATTY comes over to the bar.) MATTY Anyone wanna kick this guys ass? MYRA No thanks Matty. MATTY Don't say I didn't offer. AL (To himself.) Freak. MATTY Wha'd you say? AL Nothing...nothing. MATTY I thought so. (MATTY exits.)
BILL Maybe he's getting a little out of hand. 96 AL You've had a lot of that lately...! don't know what's happening with these kids.
BILL I know what you mean.
AL What'd you do with that other punk?
BILL Chris? I just explained to him what he did wrong and said that he couldn't work here anymore.
MYRA I don't get it...
AL What?
MYRA Chris.
AL He's a punk.
MYRA He had no reason to do what he did. AL He just picked the wrong person to fuck with. MYRA He must have some ego. AL Yeah, well you can't mess with Al Golden. That punk is just lucky Parado got to him first...! would have let him have it. MYRA Some people just go overboard. 97 MANNY Good luck tonight gentlemen.
MYRA Thanks Manny.
MANNY Did you see where Matty went?
MYRA Outside, kicking Goulet's ass.
MANNY I just had to congratulate him.
AL On what? THE AMAZING PARADO (Onstage.) ...Mr. Al Golden. MANNY On what. On that piece of work he just did. It was inspired, don't you agree? AL Sure. BILL Al, you're on. AL Alright. ^ ^ ; ^ (AL takes the stage.) THE AMAZING PARADO Hey, friends. MANNY Parado, dear, you're a genius. 98 THE AMAZING PARADO Thank you Manny. (MANNY goes to the alley.) How you feelin' tonight, buddy.
MYRA Fantastic.
THE AMAZING PARADO You feel like writing one for me?
MYRA Sure.
THE AMAZING PARADO How fast can you do it?
MYRA Thirty seconds.
THE AMAZING PARADO You got a lot of balls...thirty seconds. Bill, time him.
BILL Sure.
THE AMAZING PARADO Make it about this guy and he's in the army and his sergeant comes up to him...
MYRA Is that all?
THE AMAZING PARADO No that's not all...and he's hanging upside-down in a tree.
BILL Okay, go. (MYRA writes.) THE AMAZING PARADO 99 Not much of a crowd, huh?
BILL Hope they drink a lot. We're not making shit at the door.
THE AMAZING PARADO Rats trapped on a sinking ship.
MYRA There you go. (Hands PARADO a napkin.)
THE AMAZING PARADO Serious?
MYRA Yeah.
THE AMAZING PARADO You're on fire.
MYRA I try.
THE AMAZING PARADO This one kicks ass, Myra.
MYRA It should.
THE AMAZING PARADO So, what happened with you and Alaska?
MYRA Ah, you know.
THE AMAZING PARADO No I don't. What happened?
MYRA (MYRA smiles.) The usual. 100 THE AMAZING PARADO Did you put the moves on her?
MYRA No.
THE AMAZING PARADO Why not? I got her to take you home...Did you just puss out?
MYRA It's not that...
THE AMAZING PARADO Why didn't you do anything?
MYRA I just didn't.
THE AMAZING PARADO Why not?
MYRA Because...! didn't need to.
THE AMAZING PARADO What...
MYRA (Smiles.) Ya know, I didn't need to do a thing. She took care of everything.
THE AMAZING PARADO Holy shit, Myra are you saying what I think you are?
MYRA Probably.
THE AMAZING PARADO Let me buy you a drink...are you drinking tonight? 101 MYRA Of course!
THE AMAZING PARADO Martini, wet and dirty.
MYRA Thank you.
THE AMAZING PARADO Holy shit. Man, that is just great.
MYRA I thought so.
THE AMAZING PARADO Bill, did you hear about Myra?
BILL What...and Alaska...yeah, sure.
THE AMAZING PARADO You should have told me first. Are you gonna see her again tonight?
MYRA Maybe.
THE AMAZING PARADO Maybe...you sly old dog.
BILL Al's almost done, Parado.
THE AMAZING PARADO (On his way to the stage.) I want details. MYRA Ah, whatever.
102 AL (Onstage, singing.) ...with a grin. Thank you.
THE AMAZING PARADO Give it up for Al Golden. Once there was this private in the army...
AL Yes! Right there...right there...how about that Myra.
MYRA Huh?
AL Ya know what Myra...no one can steal my act.
MYRA 1 watched someone steal it.
AL That guy didn't steal it, you wanna know why?
MYRA Why?
AL 'Cause no one does it better then me. He may think he can just come in and do my act, but that kid couldn't hold my jock.
MYRA Hold your jock? What the hell does that mean?
AL I don't know. I heard it on M.T.V.
THE AMAZING PARADO (Onstage.) ...I sat on it when it was an acorn.
103 (Laugher. ALASKA comes back to the bar.) Thank you. Now please welcome to the stage the oldest man in the universe...Mr. Myra Roth.
BILL Myra.
MYRA Oh yeah. (MYRA goes to the stage.)
THE AMAZING PARADO How are you tonight big Al. Whiskey sour.
AL Great, just great.
THE AMAZING PARADO Good.
AL 1 was just telling Myra there that no one can steal my act.
THE AMAZING PARADO I watched Chris steal it. (MATTY enters.)
AL No, no, no. I mean, he may think he can steal my act but he was just going through the motions.
THE AMAZING PARADO Really?
AL Yeah, he was just going through the motions. My act is so much more then what he did.
THE AMAZING PARADO Yeah, you're one of a kind Al.
104 AL Yes, yes I am.
MATTY What are you talkin about?
AL About Chris.
MATTY Where is he tonight?
THE AMAZING PARADO We had to let him go.
MATTY What for?
AL For trying to steal my act.
MATTY What the fuck are you talking about?
AL My song...my final song...he tried to rip it off in front of everyone.
MATTY (Pause.) What the fuck are you talking about, fat fuck.
AL Chris, the new cowboy guy, the guy who's not here anymore ...he tried to do my act last week. He sang my song in front of everyone.
MATTY 1 saw him sing your song.
AL Then you know what I'm taking about. 105 MATTY I fucking saw him sing your shit-for-nothing song...you wanna know what else I saw?
AL What?
MATTY You are a fuck.
AL Fuck you...
MATTY (MATTY leans into him and talks quietly.) You wanna know what else I saw? AL Wha...I don't know what your talking about. MATTY Oh, I think you do. AL Huh? MATTY You set him up. AL What? MATTY (Laughing.) I was in the club...last week...you were drunk off your ass...I saw, I saw you teaching him your song.
AL You didn't see...
106 MATTY Oh, you're screwed.
AL (Grabs MATTY, they walk to a table.) Listen, you little prick!
MATTY No. Don't use that fucking tone with me...you set him up. You jealous, washed up, no talent shit. You got him to do your song so it would look like he stole it.
AL Matty, listen...
MATTY You got your fucking time cut in half because of him and it hurt your little pride didn't it. You got jealous because you can't cut it anymore.
AL What do you want?
MATTY What do I want? Are you trying to bribe me?
AL Just tell me what you want.
MATTY What do you got?
AL Anything you want.
MATTY 1 wanna fuck you over. Look at your pitiful ass...you're trapped in the worst, low budget club in the world and you still think you have the fucking right to have a big puffed up ego.
AL 107 You're right, okay, I deserve that, but that doesn't mean that we can't work...
MATTY You have two choices, alright? Option number one; you walk over to the bar, tell Bill what you did and ask him to fire you.
AL Oh, come on Matty...
MATTY Option number two; 1 go tell him, then drag your ass into the alley and kick the shit out of you.
AL You can't threaten me, asshole.
MATTY Up and at 'em, fat all (MATTY drags AL to the bar.) Bill! Hey Bill I got something to tell you. BILL What's going on? MATTY This is your last chance...tell him...okay, now it's my turn. BILL Matty, calm down. What's going on? MATTY This fucker set Chris up. BILL What do you mean? MATTY I saw this fuck, I saw him give his song to Chris. Then he denied it and now I'm gonna go kick his ass.
108 BILL Let him go Matty.
MATTY Nope...I'm gonna kick his ass.
BILL Let him go! (MATTY lets go of AL.)
THE AMAZING PARADO Matty, you saw this?
MATTY Fuck yes I saw it. Last Friday, I saw this drunk fuck teach his song to Chris.
BILL Chris said that Al gave him the song.
AL I don't know what they're talking about.
THE AMAZING PARADO (ToAL.) You are an unbelievable asshole.
BILL Thanks Matty, we'll take care of it from here.
MATTY When do I get to kick his ass?
BILL You don't. We'll take care of it.
MATTY This sucks. (MATTY leaves. Pause. BILL writes a check.)
109 BILL Here's you last check. Now get out.
AL Why would you believe them...
BILL Out
AL Come on Bill..
BILL I really don't want to hear any of your rationalizations...just get out.
AL You're messing up here. BILL Good, I'm glad I'm messing up...now get out. AL Fine, fine...I don't need this place. I don't need this fucking dump. I'm Al Golden...! can get work anywhere. THE AMAZING PARADO Good, then do it. AL I will, I fucking will. (Leaving.) Just last week I was talking to the manager of the El Cumbanchero about the M.C. job. I don't nee this shit... THE AMAZING PARADO We still got Chris's number? BILL Yeah.
110 THE AMAZING PARADO You want me to call him?
BILL Yeah, yeah...see if he can make it for the second show to night. Kiss his ass, grovel, whatever you need to do. Tell him we'll give him four standing gigs a week, one of which is a head line for two hundred and fifty a week.
THE AMAZING PARADO Two fifty?
BILL Yeah. We need to kiss major ass.
THE AMAZING PARADO Major ass?
BILL Yeah.
THE AMAZING PARADO (Leaving.) Major Ass, this is General Colon calling, were detecting troop movement in Uranus.
SCENE EIGHT (A street. AL stands on the street, he's sloppy drunk and has a paper bag with a bottle in it. He's doing an old vaudeville routine, playing both parts.)
AL Well, I'm gonna go back to my hotel room.
Your hotel room?
Yeah, my suit.
Suite, your suite. Ill Oh, 1 think you're nice too. (To non-exisistent crowd.) Thank you, thank you...you're too fucking kind. No, no, put your underwear back on 'mam. (AL sits in the gutter.) Now, I'd like to share something with you...something very dear to me...when I met the great William H. Cosby he kindly departed these words of wisdom to me. He said... (AL sings his song while lights fade up on the club. CHRIS is on the stage. BILL and ALASKA are at the bar.) CHRIS ...Thank you. You've been a great audience. We're gonna take a short break and be back here for the second show in about half an hour. We've got plenty of acts on the way and plenty of drinks 'till they get here. So stick around. (CHRIS comes to the bar.) How we doin' tonight? BILL Raking it in. CHRIS That new kid kicked ass, huh? BILL He sure did. I'm gonna offer him ten minutes this Friday. CHRIS Alaska, honey, could you grab me a Dr. Pepper? (ALASKA blows him a kiss.) FIN
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