The Rabbis Children Lessons on Education Accompanying Article

Rabbi Dovid Bashevkin

RABBI’S SON SYNDROME: RELIGIOUS STRUGGLE IN A WORLD OF RELIGIOUS IDEALS

By Dovid Bashevkin

n a cramped office overflowing of daughters of prominent Israeli clergy—can help provide a framework with rabbinic tomes and papers in rabbis, highlights the somewhat to consider why religion itself leads need of filing sits a daughter with counterintuitive relationship that those some away from religion.1 her father. The daughter, Tamar, is who grow up in rabbinic homes often In a 1988 Tradition article entitled Ishowing her father an artistic portrayal have with religion. “Children of Rabbis,” Dr. Irving of their relationship. She points on her Whether one is the son or daughter Levitz, a psychologist and professor, laptop to a crude animated rendering of of a rabbi or any other clergy member, investigated the “impact of the a girl walking in her father’s shadow. growing up in a devout religious rabbinate on the developing self- No matter where the girl walks in home can often result in a deleterious identity of rabbinic children.”2 The relation to her father, his shadow casts relationship with religion. A rabbinic study, which was conducted through over her. home, one would assume, would be the a series of in-depth interviews with Tamar’s father does indeed cast a best environment in which to be raised forty children of rabbis across the long shadow. Tamar is the daughter in order to ensure lifelong religious denominational spectrum, uncovered of Rabbi Shlomo Aviner, a rosh commitment. And, to be sure, some of some important themes in the religious yeshivah of a prominent yeshivah the most prominent rabbinic leaders struggle of children of Jewish clergy. and community in Israel and one of in history have been a part of rabbinic While the subjects in the study were the acknowledged visionaries of the dynasties. The Sofer, Soloveitchik from American families, some of Religious Zionist movement. This and the Kotler families are but a tiny their testimony could have just as scene, part of the moving 2011 Israeli minority in the rich history of rabbinic easily been featured in the Israeli documentary The Rabbi’s Daughter dynasty. Nonetheless, children of powerfully depicts some of the rabbis, and clergy in general, often Rabbi Dovid Bashevkin is director struggles of those who grow up as a have a particular struggle with religion. of education for NCSY and is a child of a rabbi. The documentary, Understanding this phenomenon— doctoral candidate in public policy and which presents three different stories the religious struggle of children of management at The New School in New York.

38 JEWISH ACTION Summer 5777/2017 Love of Torah does not always translate into love of people—or even love of God. documentary. One woman in Dr. Untold Tales of the Hasidim, examines Levitz’s study expressed the following: some of the more infamous tales of I always struggled to maintain children of rabbis who eventually an identity of my own. I was always left religion all together.5 Most of his introduced by name, then followed by analysis centers on the varying versions “the rabbi’s daughter.” It was as if I surrounding the religious departure couldn’t be whole without having the of Moshe, son of Rabbi Schneur attachment to my father’s profession Zalman of Liadi, the first Chabad rabbi. noted . . . My bothers had it worse Before delving into the precise details . . . I used to cringe at overhearing surrounding Moshe’s alleged apostasy, congregants comment on the “Little Assaf cites a moving memoir of Yehuda Rabbis.” Even though I really believe Leib Levin, whose grandfather was that many of these remarks were Rabbi Moshe of Kobrin, a harbinger of well intended, the reality was that the Slonim Chassidic dynasty. Yehuda my brothers and I felt as if we were recounts how his parents’ anguish stripped of the dignity of being who we exacerbated the difficulty of his were first and foremost.”3 departure from religious life: For many children growing up in My parents’ anguish and their sighs rabbinic homes, the otherwise difficult depressed me. Alas, would that my struggle to develop a personal identity parents had been cruel, would that is compounded by the cumbersome they had excoriated and humiliated expectations foisted upon them. me, or had lifted a hand to punish my Citing an earlier study from 1980, rebelliousness, for then I would have Dr. Levitz emphasizes the connection already departed and found my path in between religious struggle and life. But my merciful, kind parents, who religious expectations: loved me more than themselves melted . . . the higher standards and and tortured me with their tears and greater expectations placed upon their distress, and though my heart was children of clergy create for them torn by pity I was unable to still or to inordinate difficulties in growing calm them.6 up. Consequently, children of clergy The cultural openness ushered in experience feelings of isolation and by the Enlightenment made such inner conflict emanating from the parental pain all too common. As strong desire to maintain the family the walls around the Jewish ghetto image while being accepted by peers as crumbled, families and communities individuals with an identity apart from were left unsure how to stem the their ancillary role.4 tides of assimilation. For children of Religious life, by definition, demands rabbis, the pain of departure includes high religious standards. Growing up in an added element whereby the very a rabbinic home, however, puts children efficacy of their parents’ rabbinic squarely in the center headquarters powers could be called into question. where those standards are shaped and If the communal rabbi cannot inspire regulated by the community. his own children, how can he expect to The loneliness and isolation created inspire the community? Such questions, by the religious expectations within the however, disregard the prevalence of rabbinic home are, of course, nothing rabbinic children who choose another new. David Assaf, in his incisive work path. Far from being an indictment on

40 JEWISH ACTION Summer 5777/2017 Torah study... should be an endeavor that is sweet for us and for our children.

the parents, the history of children of did not appreciate or adequately benefit rabbis who struggle with religion, as from Moshe as a parent. In fact, adds we will soon see, may be as old as the the Chatam Sofer, the verse specifically rabbinate itself. recalls God’s revelation to Moshe at Mount Sinai to reinforce that it was Why Rabbinic Dynasty May Be the experience of revelation—and the Challenging subsequent communal responsibility it One of the most successful rabbinic demanded—that interrupted Moshe’s dynasties in history is undoubtedly the focus on his biological children. Sofer family, begun by Rabbi Moshe The Sofer family was certainly no Sofer (1762-1839), also referred to stranger to the demands of communal as the Chatam Sofer. His descendants responsibility and the potential continue to serve in rabbinic strain it places on the family. Likely, leadership positions in the Jewish their successful negotiation of these community. All of Rabbi Moshe demands presented a newfound Sofer’s sons became rabbis. Following appreciation for the ease with which Rabbi Sofer’s death, his eldest son some parents manage to find the Avraham Shmuel (the Ktav Sofer), proper balance between communal and assumed his father’s position as head familial responsibility. For those who of the Pressburg yeshivah. Curiously, find the proper balance elusive, there this famed father-son rabbinic duo is consolation in knowing that Moshe, both ascribe (in separate essays) the our first rabbinic leader, dealt with the first incident of struggling rabbinic same struggle. children to the first rabbinic leader of the Jewish people: Moshe.7 A Talmudic Take on Rabbinic The details of Moshe’s life Children encompass most of the Torah. His The Talmud was not oblivious to birth, his leadership and his death the phenomena of rabbinic children are all recounted. There is however, struggling with their religious one glaring omission—his children. affiliation and expression. In fact, the “These are the offspring of Aaron Talmud (Nedarim 81a) asks outright: and Moshe on the day God spoke to “Why do the children of rabbis so Moshe at Mount Sinai” (Bamidbar 3:1). rarely become rabbis themselves?” In Oddly, the Torah proceeds to recount response to this question, the Talmud only the children of Aaron. Rashi, presents five approaches: noticing the discrepancy, explains that Rav Yosef says it is so that people Aaron’s sons are also considered the do not say Torah is an inheritance. offspring of Moshe, an illustration Rav Sheishet, the son of Rav Eidi, says of the concept that the students of a so that they do not become arrogant Torah teacher are considered to be the among the community. Mar Zutra teacher’s offspring. Still, why leave out says so that they do not become too Moshe’s children all together? In an dictatorial against the community. Rav astonishing indictment of Moshe, both Ashi says it is because they [speak the Chatam Sofer8 and his son9 contend negatively about common folk]. Ravina that Moshe’s communal obligations explained because they do not make the obstructed his parental obligations. requisite Blessing on the Torah. Moshe’s sons are absent from the Of all of the explanations, Ravina’s recitation of his offspring because they seems to be the most puzzling. What

Summer 5777/2017 JEWISH ACTION 41 Introducing does the Blessing on the Torah have to do with the religious outcome of one’s children? And are we really to assume that great rabbinic scholars all skipped the Biblically THE LOBEL EDITION mandated Blessing on the Torah made each morning? Rabbi Yehuda Loew (1520-1609), known as the Maharal, explains why the Blessing on the Torah is so KOREN SHALEM SIDDUR critical for the success of the children of rabbis.10 Love of Torah, explains the Maharal, can be divisive. Torah The only siddur you’ll ever need learning is inherently a pursuit for the religious ideals of life. The love for the ideals contained in Torah can easily distract one from loving God or even from loving other people. Many families have been party to the potential discord buried within the quest for religious advancement. Take, for example, the teenager who adopts stricter kosher Based on the extremely popular Koren Sacks Siddur, the Koren Shalem Siddur is a new, standards but does so in a manner that is disrespectful of enhanced siddur for individuals, synagogues and communities. his parents. Love of Torah does not always translate into love of people—or even love of God. Rabbi Menachem The Koren Shalem Siddur includes the entire contents of the Sacks Siddur AND: Mendel of Kotzk caustically noted that increased • All Torah readings with new translations for the Shalosh Regalim and Hol HaMoed, religious observance is not always for the purpose of Ĥanukka, Purim, Yom Ha'atzmaut, and Yom Yerushalayim worshipping God, but rather sometimes it is for the sake of “worshipping the Shulchan Aruch.” Individual religious • Modern English translations of the Five Megillot Raising Happy Rabbinic Children achievement is sometimes built upon the dissatisfaction or • Additional personal supplications disapprobation of others’ religious laxity. For ease of use, and to facilitate adoption in synagogues and schools, 1. Make sure your children know that they are number one In order for personal religious achievement to translate in your life. Designate regular shul-free, private time with into interpersonal success we need to recite the Blessing the Koren Shalem Siddur maintains the same pagination as the Koren Sacks Siddur. the family, as well as with individual children. Arrange for on the Torah. The Blessing on the Torah is not a typical Shabbat and yom tov meals with just the family. blessing that one makes, for instance, on food or even other commandments; it is a prayer that our love for 2. Engage your child in conversation every day. Demonstrate scholarship should not obscure our love for people. an active interest in what’s going on in your child’s life, The text of the Blessing of the Torah contains a what’s important to him or her. Encourage the development reminder that our personal pursuits of religious perfection of his or her individual identity and abilities. should not come at the expense of our appreciation of 3. Allow your child to be a child. Placing higher behavioral others. The Blessing reads: standards on your child, or expectations that are beyond the Blessed are you, Lord, our God, King of the Universe, child’s maturity level, creates inner conflict. To please his who has made us holy through His commandments and parents, he’ll contort himself to maintain the family image. Yet, has commanded us to engage in the study of the words he longs to just be himself and to be accepted by his peers. of Torah. Please, Lord, our God, make the words of Your Torah sweet in our mouths and in the mouths of Your 4. Talk about your work. When you ask for your children’s people, the House of Israel, so that we, our descendants feedback and ideas, they feel respected and valued, as well (and their descendants), and the descendants of Your as rooted in the family structure, identifying with its ideals, people, the House of Israel, may all know Your name and The Koren Shalem Siddur joins the goals, struggles, triumphs and disappointments. study Your Torah for its own sake. Blessed are You, Lord, Koren Sacks series, now available in 5. Help your child to feel that her or she is an integral who teaches Torah to His people Israel. a variety of sizes and covers. part of your mission. To the degree that a child is given We do not simply recite a blessing on the opportunities to contribute to her parent’s mission, she commandment to study Torah, but we pray that it is will have a sense of family solidarity as well as enhanced received by those who study, and those we teach, with self-esteem. Involve your children in shul projects, stuffing sweetness. It is not just a blessing on our scholarship, envelopes, delivering food packages or setting up for but it is a prayer for scholars and students. Our Torah, Kiddush and shul events. we plead, should not divide—it should unite, for this generation and the next. 6. Let your adolescent discover his or her own unique spark. Honor your children’s aspirations and choices of career Endorsed by the OU. paths. In turn, they will hold yours in higher esteem. The Blessed Reminder of the Priestly Blessing This theme emerges not just in the Blessing on the Torah, And a bit of advice for rabbinic children: know that your but can also be seen in the Torah text on which we recite parents are trying their best! the blessing. Standardized in each siddur, following the Blessing on the Torah is the text of the Priestly Blessing KOREN PUBLISHERS For more information and for discounts on shul orders, (Bamidbar 6). Why was this text chosen as the standard- JERUSALEM contact [email protected] or call 203-830-8509 42 JEWISH ACTION Summer 5777/2017 www.korenpub.com bearer for the first Torah text we study a singular focus on Torah study. 3. Ibid., 79. each day? This question is further The ideals of Torah study cannot 4. Ibid., 77. underscored when we consider that be achieved at the expense of the 5. David Assaf, Untold Tales of the the other texts chosen to be studied appreciation of the people. Our study Hasidim: Crisis & Discontent in immediately after the Blessing on the of Torah, like Birkat Kohanim, should the History of Hasidism (Waltham, Torah each relate to the importance of leave those in our lives feeling more Massachusetts, 2010). Torah. What message does the Priestly beloved and more blessed. The Priestly 6. Ibid., 30. Blessing contain concerning our daily Blessing and the Blessing on the Torah 7. In a recent article on the site Leh- affirmation of our obligation to study preceding it dually ensure that our rhaus, Elli Fischer couches the phe- Torah?11 Torah study is not just the fulfillment nomenon of rabbis’ children in an For many Jews, Birkat Kohanim of a commandment, but an endeavor earlier Biblical figure—Yitzchak, the evokes memories of listening quietly that is sweet for all those around us. son of Avraham. See his “The Patron to the Kohanic chants while under a Sweet for us and for our children. Saint of Rabbi’s Kids,” available tallit or with their faces buried inside “For the rabbi’s child,” concludes online here: http://www.thelehrhaus. of their prayer book. But the Priestly Dr. Levitz, “self-esteem is enhanced com/commentary-short-articles/pa- Blessing is not just an obligation with the experience of feeling valued tron-saint-of-rabbis-sons. for the Kohen to bless—it is also as an integral part of the family 8. See Torat Moshe, Bamidbar 1:3. an obligation for the people to feel group in its designated work with 9. See Ktav Sofer, vol. 8, where he blessed.12 Before the Kohanim recite the congregation.” It is a sad fact of explains that Aaron’s children were their blessing, they say a blessing religious life that our personal growth reluctant to get married in order to of their own, “to bless the people of can often come at the expense of avoid having children and repeating Israel with love.” No other blessing others’ self-worth and self-esteem. The the parental mistakes they witnessed ends with this particular formulation. Torah and Talmud were both acutely Moshe make. We do not recite the blessing on aware of this danger. The ideals and 10. See his introduction to Tiferet the lulav to “take it with love” or a expectations of religious life can be Yisrael. blessing on matzah “to eat it with divisive wedges within families and 11. See Rabbi Shlomo Rabinowicz of love.” Only Birkat Kohanim ends communities. Each morning, when Radomsk’s (1801-1866) Tiferet specifically with an acknowledgement saying the Blessing on the Torah Shlomo, Moadim, p. 6 and Rabbi of love, because inherent in the followed by the Priestly Blessing, Aryeh Zvi Fromer of Kushigluv obligation of the blessing is that we pause and tacitly acknowledge (1884-1943) in his responsa Eretz the recipient, the people of Israel, that concern. But if our blessings are Tzvi, no. 20, both of whom pose feels beloved. In fact, a Kohen successful, we can rest assured that our this question, though they offer who is not in good standing within religious commitments remain “sweet different approaches than what the community or is involved in in our mouths and in the mouths of proceeds here. communal disputes is not allowed to Your people.” 12. See Sefer Chareidim 12:18, Respon- bless the people. Rabbi Leible Eiger sa Devar Avraham, vol. 1, no. 31 (1817-1888), himself a scion of a Notes and the presentation of Rabbi Joseph famed rabbinic family, summarized 1. This phenomenon, of course, is not B. Soloveitchik in Shiurei HaRav, the essence of Birkat Kohanim as “a limited to the children of Jewish Tefillah u’Kriat Shema,no. 22. reminder to root within our hearts the clergy. There is an extensive body of 13. See his Imrei Emet, Naso, 5624. love of the Jewish people, that each literature that discusses the corollary 14. For more on this approach to the person should seek the good in his of this phenomenon in the Christian Priestly blessings, see my B’rogez fellow man.”13 Specifically, he writes, world, where it is often referred to Rachem Tizkor, no. 1, 21-30. The “If there is, God forbid, some burden as “preacher’s kid syndrome.” See, Talmudic custom to pray for one’s pressing on a particular individual, for example, Rebel With a Cause dreams during the Birkat Kohanim we should anticipate and long for (Nashville, 1995), the memoir of is also explained. expansiveness to be bestowed on Franklin Graham, son of the famed such a person.” Birkat Kohanim is evangelist Billy Graham. See also: an acknowledgement that the Jewish Carole Anderson, “The Experience people are blessed and beloved.14 of Growing Up in a Minister’s This, in turn, may be why the Home and the Religious Commit- Priestly Blessing follows the Blessing ment of the Adult Child of a Minis- on the Torah. As we begin each day ter,” Pastoral Psychology 46, no. 6 recognizing the centrality of our (July 1998): 393-411. obligation to pursue our attainment 2. Irving N. Levitz, “Children of of Torah, we pause to acknowledge Rabbis,” Tradition 23, no. 2 (winter the possible dangers inherent within 1988): 76-87.

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