TUESDAY TO NOVEMBER 24, 2009

VOLUME 95, ISSUE 18

!""#$%&#'&()#$%*$#+$),#(&#-./'$0 Almost 100 percent new content! Hell withGeorgia A special edition of “The South’s Liveliest College Newspaper” ONLINE: www.nique.net ESTABLISHED 1911, GEORGIA INSTITUTE OF TECHNOLOGY, ATLANTA, GA Photo by Jamie Howell/Picture Taking People

Bear named new Dean of Forestry By Chris P. Bacon the well-known #re safety ad- through a second story win- Although it was previously Bear Mediator vocate from the United States dow after the bear was led into believed that they would inter- Forest Service public service his o%ce with a trail of mixed vene in the matter, the Board O%cials at U[sic]GA an- announcements, but is in- nuts and assorted berries and of Regents has decided to “let nounced last Friday that stead a 456 lb. male black bear locked inside. !e bear’s #rst this one go,” according to the Smokey D. Bear has been that had been seen lumbering order of business as the new Board’s Vice Chair Richard named the new Dean of the around campus earlier in the dean was to run about wildly, D. Philips, “since it de#nitely Warnell School of Forestry week. knocking over tables, chairs, can’t make things any worse and Natural Resources. Re- !e hire came as quite a and bookshelves. !is redeco- there.” When reached for com- Photo by I.R. Drunk/Picture Taking People ports have come in from lo- shock to many at the school ration was followed by an ex- ment, Dean Smokey bared his Dean Bear oversees new mandates on in- cal residents claiming that including the former Dean tended nap on the antique ex- creasing student awareness of forest !res. Dean Smokey is not in fact himself who was forced to "ee ecutive desk. See Dean, Page 2

Admissions cut ECONOMIC PLUNGER with increased Toilet paper shortages may lead to a lack of UGA diplomas readingBy Moe Ronn levels Academic Mediocrity O!cer Last year, U[sic]GA decided to in- crease the minimum reading standards for incoming freshmen to the 3rd grade level. !e change resulted in a 50% cut in admissions. !is decision was made in response to recent budget cuts by the University Sys- tem of Georgia’s Board of Regents (BoR) due to the economic downturn. !ese budget cuts have forced U[sic]GA to make cuts to their faculty size. Of which, the admissions sta$ was hit the hardest. “Our sta$ is simply unable to go through the applications of the many oth- erwise #ne second-graders. To help them we increased the minimum reading stan- dards to aid our admissions sta$,” said Lou Pole, director of admissions. Also because of budget cuts U[sic]GA has been forced to delay the hiring and re#lling of vacated faculty positions. “!is downturn has made us unable to maintain the superb faculty that has pro- vided the students with the qualityparty- ing experience, we mean education, that we have provided for so long,” Pole said. With the cuts in admissions, U[sic]GA Photo by Emma Roids/ Pictures not Books can expect to maintain the similar stu- Schnei-Schnei Jones lifts his diploma up high at last May’s commencement ceremony. Jones and his fellow graduates could dent-faculty ratios compared to previous be the last of U[sic]GA graduates to receive their diplomas, due to the toilet paper shortage and economic downturn. years, #nally bringin them in line with state day-care and child safety standards, By Joe Plumber one of the Alcoholics Anonymous clin- a long-time goal. Plumber Extraordinaire ics in Athens. “We’ve been thinking of U[sic]GA has found itself particularly several replacements, but there aren’t hard-hit by this #nancial crisis. When the !e "agging economy has slowed many materials that hold as many BoR announced the budget cuts they are the production of many commodities, advantages that toilet paper does. For expressed as a percentage or portion of including the toilet paper industry. example, we pride ourselves in telling the operating budget. !is shortage could have severe reper- prospective students that a Georgia “Because we don’t have the promi- cussions, includin’ one on diploma degree holds many advantages. Like, if nence of other schools like Georgia Tech availability, a worry plaguing the U[sic] you had to go to the bathroom and it and whatnot, we can’t command as large GA. turns out that the owner forgot to stock of a research budget that would otherwise “!ere is de#nite concern that there up on toilet paper, well then you’ll be provide some support during these #nan- might not be enough toilet paper with in luck as you’ll have your diploma. In cially di%cult times,” said Harry Pitts, which to print our diplomas on come fact, research shows that our diplomas senior vice president for #nance admin- graduation day,” said Seymour Butte, istration. Photo by Emma Roids/Pictures not Books director of both Administrations and See Diploma, page 3

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Technique TOILET PAPER THWUGA: As much CityBy Hercules Cacockpolousof Athens, Greece renamed about us as them Senior Demi-god By the Technique “To Hell With Georgia.” In an act to preserve national Over the years, the Technique pride, the Prime Minister of If it’s your #rst year at Georgia has produced various issues mock- Greece announced Monday that Tech —or if you are a University ing UGA’s daily newspaper, "e after dealing with decades of dis- of Georgia student lucky enough Red and Black, and the constitu- appointment and embarrassment, to lay eyes on this issue of the ency it serves. It’s been called "e the citizens of Greece have elected Technique—welcome to “To Hell Rude and Bleak and UGA Today, to rename the nation’s capital and With Georgia,” a very special edi- and its lead story has ranged from largest city, Athens, to end its as- tion of the “!e South’s Liveliest airport security classes to Ford sociation with its former sister city College Newspaper.” In the fol- sponsorships. of Athens, Georgia. lowing pages you will #nd alco- But it is not the name of the Recent polls have indicated hol, rednecks, farm animals and paper or the content within it that that many residents of the city lots of dawgs. matters most to us; it is the tradi- have been confused for quite some We members of the Technique tion embodied in this issue that time as to why the birthplace of Photo by Iona Traktor/ Heavy Machinery are often asked how the tradition we hold dear—a tradition of inge- such great ideas like democracy, Citizens of Athens, Greece, demand name change following more of THWUGA began. Friends say nuity and creativity that binds us philosophy, and modern science than 200 years of humiliation due to another Athens institution. that by producing such a “rag,” we together not only as a newspaper would be a%liated with a commu- Tech students merely perpetuate sta$, but also as a Tech commu- nity that is home to the “cesspool proposals to the government, all actually be. Suggestions have been unfortunate stereotypes—of Ath- nity. of the South.” outlining a plan to “summon the pouring in from across the coun- ens students as drunken rednecks While the jokes may tend to be Many went as far as saying power of Zeus to sink the whole try with several along the lines of and ourselves as geeks with infe- the same, lame or just plain crude, that they actually hate the small place into the ocean just like At- “!wU[sic]GAopolis,” and “Pis- riority complexes—that are no we stay dedicated to the fact of Georgian city, its obsession with lantis!” stating that it would be sondawga”. longer as true as they once were. honoring our humble beginnings. smushed-faced dogs, and the gen- “wicked awesome!” O%cials from the city of Ath- !e answer to these questions are Maintaining high journalistic eral lack of basic hygienic practic- Although the referendum was ens, Georgia declined to comment the same every time; THWUGA standards and being the voice es amongst the population. A tiny passed through Parliament on out of fear of being kicked into a is as much about us as it is about of Tech students is the primary village on the outskirts of the cap- Sunday, there is still no o%cial “frickin’ huge bottomless pit” by a our rivals. concern of the Technique , but ital has even submitted multiple word on what the new name will particularly angry Spartan. Some 97 years ago, the #rst through this special issue we still edition of the Technique published keep alive the moniker of “!e from page 1 on Nov. 17, 1911 was a four-page South’s Liveliest College News- Dean subspecies Ursus americanus !ori- once used for hunting, has stream- paper that focused primarily on paper”. teeth and let out a loud roar before danus, or as they are more com- lined the curriculum at U[sic]GA’s the upcoming football contest So as you "ip through these 16 swiping his massive paw at the monly known, Florida Black Bear. School of Law to include learning with Georgia. It predicted, ar- pages keep in mind it’s all in good journalist, who su$ered only mild According to polls, a majority of to sni$ out guilty culprits, bark rogantly and incorrectly, that the humor and meant to make you abrasions and a broken rib. students are, “plum angry,” at the madly, and bite if necessary. Dean Jackets would triumph over the thankful and proud to be a Jacket. !ough it has only been a week thought of the university hiring a G. Gecko, a student’s former pet Bulldogs. We hope you enjoy reading it as since he was appointed to o%ce, “doody-headed Gator fan!” lizard, has been rather successful From these “modest” roots, the much as we enjoyed creating it. the Dean’s term has not been Not all of the university’s re- at the Terry College of Business present day Technique came into Remember, this issue is as without controversy amongst the cent changes in faculty have been bringing the graduation rate up to being. And it is these roots that we much about you, me and Ma Tech student body. Allegations have as disputed. Dean Scru$ Mc- an astounding 3.5%—its highest as a sta$ honor when we produce as it is about UGA. arisen that Smokey may be of the Gru$, a 9-year-old Bloodhound in years. TOILET PAPER Technique t
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FAIR WARNING Mysterious cave drawings revealed By Art Syfartsy tic aptitude tests. Caveman “We will feel so proud if this caveman is among our students,” Late last week, renowned cryp- said Professor Gripes, “never have tozoologist Dr. Fanny O’Rear I held out so much hope that a arrived in Athens to personally U[sic]GA student could have such continue his search for the artist a talent to develop.” apparently using U[sic]GA build- Graders have refused to pres- ings as his or her artistic canvas. ent the results of the examination. In a recent interview about Rumors suggest that multiple his new mission, O’Rear stated, students have met the criteria for “From the evidence so readily ap- the suspected specimen. However, parent, it is clear to me we must Gripes shared some of his hopes as be dealing with a living specimen to the eventual conclusion. of man’s Cro-Magnon ancestors. Gripes said, “Never had I !e faculty was dubious at my thought it possible, but here we #rst insistent pleas to commence just may be able to identify a pre- a search. !ey ignored me for historic person by intelligence. weeks; taking the opportunity to !ink of what may be revealed constantly lambaste me that the when he or she is discovered. Photo by Michael James / Student Publications only possible explanation of such Could it even be that he is of a See this? This really happened. No exaggeration, elaboration or explanation needed. Now art on their campus would be in- clan that has survived here at that the game is being played on the Jackets’ home turf, it’s the Dawgs chance to not mess up. visible aliens or a rather intelligent U[sic]GA with little or no genetic farm animal.” harm since the establishment of However, Dr. O’Rear’s mo- this institution? I #nd that to be ment came when bipedal prints my grandest dream now that I Diploma from page 1 an irate redneck who didn’t actu- what the diplomas are printed on? appeared under the newest work. have witnessed this U[sic]GA en- ally attend U[sic]GA. !ey can use whatever type of pa- Most everyone has rapidly shifted vironment.” accrue more value after such us- Actual Georgia students are per they want for all I care like tis- to Dr. O’Rear’s theory believing In related news, Geico, hav- age. If we were to switch materials split upon the possibility of a sue or graphite. !e real value is in no other as a possibility. !e fac- ing heard the possibility of a liv- then there would be no advan- change. the education we receive. After all, ulty, in a move to identify if this ing Cro-Magnon, has changed its tage,” Butte said. “I mean, what’s going to like you never know when you have to individual is hiding among the tagline to “So easy a dawg could Some think this break from happen if we had to like go back- weave baskets underwater,” said student body, has dispersed artis- do it.” tradition represents a grave threat packing like in the woods or some- Jenny Tulls, a 6th year Underwa- to the university. thing? You know what I mean? ter Basket Weaver. “It’s been the time-honored Like I wouldn’t have needed to !ough the discussion remains tradition to print our diplomas on pack extra toilet stu$ as I could heated, o%cials are con#dent a so- high quality toilet paper. We’ve have just brought my diploma. If lution is close. “Here at Georgia, already broken from our other I were to bring extra toilet stu$ we believe in tradition but that traditions like upgrading the min- then I wouldn’t be able to bring doesn’t mean we won’t embrace imum required reading level to all my old Sports Illustrated issues something new. I mean, it was ac- the third grade. Besides, why do back when our football team was ceptable before to date our cous- I need to take English? I already still number 1,” said Heywood ins and once it became frowned know English. It’s unpossible for Jablomey, a 12th year senior ma- upon, some students persisted. me to fail it. Look at what’s hap- joring in Cowbell Instrumenta- Now look at the progress we’ve pened ever since the switch: en- tion. made, reports of inter-cousin she- rollment’s already dropped 50%. Other students think the nanigans at Athens are down 10% A change to our diploma material change is a good thing. this year! I am supremely con#- Photo by I.R. Something would be a greater threat to our “As for Yablomey, I’ve got an dent that Georgia will weather U[sic]GA o"cials call in professionals to investigate recently dis- institution than mandating a basic idea as to what he can use those this storm like it has previous covered cave drawings on academic buildings across campus. level of hygiene,” said Jim Shorts, old issues for. Anyways, who cares ones,” Butte said.

sliver www.nique.net Return to SC at the lost and found … or to GT police, they be all around… Just please, please return my key… why is the sliver box so freaking hard to #nd! Oh my gosh I know who the sliver editor is now! Why are there so many WREK haters that know absolutely noth- ing about the radio station? Bridget, you are beautiful. Esther, you are the cutest Asian ever. Emily, you are my one true love. Boys at Tech, you stinkkkkkk Clint, I joined the sail club for you. Antonio from Twelth Night, you made Twelth Night the number one night of my life. When there are "ies on your roommates clothes, you know its time for her to clean her junk up. Trumpet player with the bright ‘roos, you make me smile. Edward, please marry me. What I’ve learned from Bellichick and Johnson is that going for it on 4th and 1 is okay. 4th and 2? Not so much. Math department is the nerdiest department...crosses CS and maybe EE!!! georgia tech-a drinking school with an engineering problem And its 1 am again, and I am tossing and turning thinking about you....DSP. Oh How you make me complete. !ey are coming to take me away haha, they are coming to take !!"#$%&'(%))'*+,-.+/%01 me away hoho... Citi presents the Exxon Mobile College of Management in spon- !"$$,&'2.//34 sorship with Tostitos !e only di$erence between being charming and creepy is the reaction. GT PARKING BLOWS THE BIG ONE Who are these people? freshman survival guide only helps to a certain degree, whether you can survive at tech still depends on how smart you are I sense a disturbance in the bogus Opinions Editor: Esther Bunni THWUGA Remember, licking doorknobs is illegal on other planets! 4 We Thunk It “ —Spongebob Squarepants Tuesday, ” November 24, 2009 THINGS YOU THOUGHT LETTERS TO THE EDITOR OUR VIEWS CONSENSUS OPINION Save real majors from cuts !ere should be laws Law school should be eliminated due to budget constraints against out"t robbers We feel like we need to speak out can agree that the schools that matter are against the injustices of cutting the bud- those we can actually make a living o! of gets of all schools on campus equally, when we graduate like Crop Sciences and Write to us: when the most of students will be hurt Animal Husbandry. [email protected]

by such allocations. Instead of lettin all No one will miss the law school stu- We welcome your letters in departments su!er in these trying eco- dents constantly using big words in the response to THWGA content nomic times, we should be brave enough dining hall and insisting that animals be as well as topics relevant to campus. We will print letters to simply cut the departments that real contained to one side of campus and not on a timely and space-avail- dawgs don’t need and save the real majors allowed to graze freely. Plus, their soon- able basis. from cuts that we don’t like. to-be empty buildings can be demolished Letters should not exceed 400 words and must not be Although we see the importance of de- to have more room for farming land. written on any material other partments such as the law school to the If just cuttin the law school does not than paper. Napkins are ac- few students enrolled there, most students free enough money to save other depart- ceptable, but not preferred. While we appreciate the cre- at U[sic]GA would not feel the loss of ments from cuts, we then suggest cutting ativity of play-dough represen- those majors. By cuttin from their depart- the math department. Not failing Ge- tations, videos of interpretive ments, we can ensure that there is enough ometry would help boost all of our GPAs dances, ect, these mediums are not easily manipulated money to sustain the departments that anyway. into print format and will not are the lifeblood of our university, like We’re hopin that the administration be published. Pictures must be football. seriously considers our proposal for the originals and not taken from coloring books. When faced with a crisis like statewide common good. By gettin the law school, Letters must be submit- budget cuts, everyones gotta wanna make they maintain the best interests of the ted by Tuesday in order to be sacri"ces and agree to scale programs back majority of students, and besides, hav- printed in the following Fri- day’s issue. Include your full to the core of what bein a Dawg means. ing less lawyers in the world would be an name, year (1st, 2nd, etc.) and For the majority of students here, we added bonus. Barbie Horton major. !e Consensus Opinion re"ects the majority opinion of the Editorial Board of the 8th-year Fashion History THWUGA, but not necessarily the opinions of individual editors.

Technique Editorial Board Anita Drank, Boss Lady Bail for underage Budda Face, Desperate Bo Rang, Kentucky Fumbler Lolly Popper, Sexpert Spud Hasselho!, Money Getter drinking arrests cuts Miss Guatemala, Race Relations Chair Sans Cannabis, Etch-a-Sketch Draw-er Josh Kidding, Football Is Fun Swan Lake, Prettiness Doer Cass Tigate, Drunk Life Totalia Feminista, Arrested Development into beer budget Esther Bunni, !oughts and Stu# Ta-Bibbity Boppity-Boo, Old News

EDITORIAL CARTOON BY AVA SECTEMY

Jack Daniels 1st-year Animal Husbandry WE THUNK IT Technique t
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t 5 Technology is just plain evil and dumb According to my friend Mr. “Plus, in that Terminator Limbaugh told me I don’t ! # Spacey, in 2012 the world will movie the internet went up have to use my brain. He and " # end. Mr. Beck will tell me what to !"#$%&'()*+$, My friend Mr. Sandberg into the sky and took over the do so I don’t have to use my told me that will happen too, brain to protect it from the unless my good friend Mrs. world and tried to kill us all.” evil technologies. Palin runs for president. #at #at’s real good, because I is a scary future. Anita Drank can listen to them all day long What is the best way to My professor in typin’ class Boss Lady on that news site on the inter- told me that the future is tech- nets. I guess that’s technology, spend your weekend? nology. #at means that tech- kinda, but if it includes Mr. nology is scary, and I think we Beck’s approval, then I guess should stop it. See, the way I see it, it’s only will all go "rst, so we should it’s ok. My professors keep tryin’ to a matter of time until technol- all stay at least two turnip We should at least control teach me things about technol- ogy gets smarter than us. I "elds away from computers all that dang technology to only ogy, but I already learned all I "gur’ my smartness is about the time. Except on game day, be used to hear what we need need to know about technol- level 9, and I saw on TV that then somebody should stay to do for the day and think ogy from the only good tech- the new-fangled Windows next to the computer to make while we protect our brains nology, television. technology was already at level sure the game clock works. from slurping and the $ying According to that Mr. 7. Our idea to let the game clock sky internets. Baldwin on television, aliens #at’s only 4 more levels turn into a cyborg and run We need to keep control- are taking over the internets until the Windows is smarter itself did not work well last ling technology, not letting it with their alien hulu-hoops than me. Why do we even week, maybe thats why those control us. When clocks do and are gonna slurp our brains need smart windows? My win- dumb kitty-cats beat us dawgs. stu! like tellin’ us what time Albert Cohaulic out. I need my brains remem- dows are not smart, and they Cyborgs are the scariest it is, or radios tell us what day !ird-year Basket Weaving berin thing, not for slurping, are just "ne for looking out of part of the future. #ey are of the week it is, that’s just one so that’s not good. and stu!. Even the windows at like people, but instead of hav- more step towards the end of “ Screaming at the football Plus, in that Terminator those other smart-folks schools ing skin and eating possums the world. movie the internet went up seem "ne. #ey work real well and tippin’ cows for fun, they #e technologies will get games. WHOOO!” into the sky and took over the every time I throw a brick at are covered in computers and us, unless we get them "rst. world and tried to kill us all. them. eat brains and kill us all for #at’s why we have to keep I have seen my friend from I also heard that our school fun. doin’ stu! like turnin’ the that smart person school Tech has some technologi-"ed ma- Between the TV people on game clock o! at the end of on the internet before, and it jors, like that engineering the internet doing the hulu- the game when we are losing. looks real boring and nerdy, thing that they do at Tech. I hoop and eating our brains Because remember, if no-one so I don’t understand it, and do not think we should do and the zombies that were takes a picture of a technology my friend Mr. Beck from TV that, since having engineering running around campus a few telling us we are losing, then taught me that stu! I don’t un- technology types around just weeks ago, I don’t think I can we ain’t losing. derstand is all evil and bad and means that there will be people protect my brain from any On that note, we should nazi-communist, so internet is to turn into cyborgs when the more technologies. destroy cameras, since they bad too. robots try to take over. Shoot, I have been so busy are gonna capture your soul, As a side note, could some- See, if we have people in protecting my brain that I which is a lot like your brain. one explain to me what a nazi- the rooms with the computers haven’t even had time to use Let’s all join together and communist is? when they attack, those people it. Fortunately, my friend Mr. shun those scary technologies. Amanda Huginkiss First-year Bovine Sciences “Like, partying and stu!.”

StupidUGA is famous forTebow’s one vodoo makes usso there badder shouldn’t be no op- thing, our football program. “Skip the football...That way, tions on the "eld. We have always been titans Tim Tebow and that new crazy All’s I know is that we’ve of the SEC, athletes so strong got to stop having so many that it didn’t matter that we man Paul Johnson won’t have a blasted options to play with couldn’t spell our own names, chance to work their vodoo...” and just choose the only one a team that was so uni"ed we that is acceptable and that is to could spend thousands of dol- Wes Consin win. It just ain’t possible with lars on uniforms that changed Tebow around bringing us all nothing about how well we Football Commentater down. played the game. #is Paul Johnson guy they But now, our program is got thar at Tech sounds like in shambles. #e Dawgs have increased his popularity be- they whooped us, we had to he might be crazy like Tebow. been bitten hard, and it is yond bounds. watch their team sit at the He not only has options dur- the fault of one man. No, not His need to maintain “mor- top of those fancy footballin’ ing the game, but three! #at Moe Lester Head Coach Mark Richt, may als” and “Christian values” charts all year long while our is just plain unacceptable. He he be praised. ba%e us on the football "eld. righteous Dawgs fell o! the just needs to pick. I know I Second-year Forestry No, not defensive coordi- How can we play football if we lists. can’t handle three options, and “Drink. Or smoke. Or both!” nator Willie Martinez, may obey laws of decency? #e only Who cares if our team the rest of our players certainly he pay for his sins. #e man way to play is to hold, foul, and quarterback couldn’t complete can’t. behind this evil curse, this un- grab face-masks for almost a pass playing against a 12-and So, in response to this natural arrangement, is none 100 yards of penalty, like we under team? Who cares if we world-wide anti-Dawgs plague other than the orange-shirted did against then Kentuckians, lost to Kentucky for the "rst that is taking over the great jorts-wearing devil himself, and that didn’t even let us win. time in 32 years at home, when state of Georgia, I have a sug- Tim Tebow. #at’s is because of Tim they were playing with a fresh- gestion. Let’s just do like the From a young age Tim Tebow. Before he started man QB half the time. scoreboard guy does at the Tebow showed an unnatural playing with his high-falutin Who cares if the only bowl end of the games when we are predisposition for cursing the throwin’ and complete passes, we will get to go to is the Toilet losing. Instead of showing up glori"ed Dawgs. Our angelic the only way to play football Bowl. We are the Dawgs, and on Saturday, let’s just stay at black and red were $ying high, was to run at the other guy the Dawgs are number one. Or home. Skip the football play- proudly bearing the honor and try to hurt them without we would be, if it wasn’t for ing and get straight to the dog- of Dawgs before us when the those guys in the striped shirts that Tebow. gie-stylin’, the barkin’ and the young T(evil)bow "rst threw a throwing you o! the "eld for And now we have to go and Keystone Light. football, a day in which dawgs fouls. Whatever. Ain’t nothing play another top ten team this #at way, Tim Tebow worldwide felt a pang crack- foul about a good smackdown. week. Now sure, they don’t and that new crazy man Paul ing right through our favorite #ere ain’t gonna be any have the evil voodoo powers of Johnson won’t have a chance bone, but did not know why. more Saturdays in Athens this Tebow on their side, but they to work their voodoo magic As the years progressed, our year, and that’s a good thing. got some sort of magical op- on us. We can’t lose if we run Maya Butreaks team soared above all others, #e humiliation dealt to us at tion stu! that our team just away or are too drunk to play !ird-year Animal Husbandry until this year. #is year, as a the hands of that evil, moral- don’t understand. and then aren’t even there. “Wranglin’ cows n’ stu!.” senior, Tebow’s voodoo power istic, super-successful and be- Football isn’t about options, #at way we angelic, pow- has come into full force. #e loved Tim Tebow was just too its about "ghtin’, and barkin’ erful and majestic Dawgs can evil pacts he made during his much to handle. and goin’ home and chugging keep our honor, by running years “helping others” and After driving down to Jack- down some Keystone Light. home with our tails between Photos by Sans Cannabis “volunteering” seem to have sonville to play them where #ere ain’t no options in that, our legs. 
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OUR VIEWS HOT OR NOT Top 10 things I wish I knew – or – Sobefore I love being a Dawg coming as to U[sic]GA HOT NOT much as any other U[sic]GA “How’s a man supposed to fan, but sometimes I wish be the alpha male if he has that they had mentioned all to share a room with another the bad stu! I needed to pre- dawg?” pare for before getting here. Here’s the 10 things you Monty Zooma should know so you don’t get O!cial Counter Beer is yummy Tebow sucks all confused like I did. 1. S, E and C are not the 5. “Donde esta la bibliote- therefore aren’t allowed only letters of the alpha- ca?” actually has answer. on campus. bet I need to memorize. I thought this was just First o!, what kind of col- It took me half an hour some funny-sounding phrase lege administration would just to write this one sen- that I learned in my Mexi- take away our beloved Sec- tence. I kept having to look can class. I never thought ond Amendment rights? back at my SparkCharts that there actually was one of What if I needed to shoot cheat sheet for the other 23 these “la biblioteca” things. a squirrel to get some late letters. Actually, we have four on night grub? Or what if I 2. Beer pong is not a var- campus...who knew? I don’t wanted to shoot some skeet really go in them at all, ex- between classes? #is blows. sity sport. cept to use the pisser on 9. The Arch on campus is I spent four years in high gameday. not actually McDonald’s. school perfecting my beer 6. Big trucks won’t !t in pong skills, expecting to be a With all this talk about walk-on for the team. Turns regular parking spaces. the “Arch” and its traditions out there ain’t one. I person- I was used to driving my at U[sic]GA, I was disap- ally think it takes lots of skill big truck into lots of di!er- pointed that they weren’t to get a small ball in a small ent-sized and di!erent-col- actually talking about Mc- cup while drunk. ored parking spaces at my Donald’s, the most luxurious 3. 22 is too old for the high school. I was shocked and gourmet eatery that I’ve !anksgiving turkeys Algebra now required to discovered how all these ever been to. Instead I was Athens bar scene. parking spaces are the same. served a super-sized dose of I started going to the bars One size really doesn’t "t all. learnin’. I’m NOT lovin’ it. downtown my freshman 7. Co-ed dorm rooms 10. You actually need a year, and even then I was one of the oldest people there. aren’t allowed. driver’s license to drive in My senior year, I headed Dern housing people Athens. out with some friends only won’t let me room with any to discover that drinks were females, even if she’s only my I always thought that Ath- being served in baby bottles half-sister. How’s a man sup- ens was some magic fun and sippy cups. Also, the posed to be the alpha male if zone where you didn’t need “my-age-divided-by-two- he has to share a room with a license. I looked up to the plus-seven” rule didn’t really another Dawg? football team and took after apply to half of the chicks at their example, which didn’t the bar. 8. Ri"es are a !rearm, and work out so well after all... Organization Spotlight: Club Crayola THWUGA Club that promotes the practice of coloring inside the lines as well as safe crayon usage 7 (e.g. crayon-in-nose prevention methods). Tuesday, Drunk Life Contact: www.thwuga.net November 24, 2009

Enforcement of underage drinking lawsBy Dina SoarscausesGA isrecession a huge party school. Professional Beer Taster Economists say the recession is not even close to being over in Incredibly low test scores and Athens; in fact, it will continue high pregnancy rates in the Ath- to get worse unless the drinking ens area have left o$cials for the age goes back to being mostly un- city searching for a solution. enforced. !e city had remained Government o$cials identi"ed mostly una#ected by the recent underage drinking as the main economic downturn that has source of the problem, forcing po- plagued the rest of the nation up lice to "nally take action in fully until the recent crackdown on the enforcing the 21 and over drink- drinking age in Athens. ing age. Additionally, depression rates Police sprang into action by pa- among almost all of the underage trolling every liquor store and fra- students have skyrocketed since ternity in town, as well as forcing the crackdown. everyone over 21 to wear highly “We get hundreds of students monitored wristbands in order a day, who are feeling incredibly to regulate drinking in fraternity lonely since most of their friends houses. were only party friends, and now Unfortunately, a crackdown that they are forced to be sober on underage drinking laws has they don’t have anything in com- caused a dramatic downturn in mon anymore,” said U[sic]GA the local Athens eonomy. Since psychiatrist Dr. Puma Pants. the crackdown, 1,000 jobs have Meanwhile, students and citi- been cut, 500 small businesses zens of Athens alike have taken (mostly liquor stores) have gone to the streets protesting this move bankrupt and homeless rates by the Athens Police Depart- have increased tenfold. ment. Signs read from everything “We didn’t realize how much to “Give me alcohol or give me underage drinking was fueling death” to “Drinking makes us our economy,” said Athens police happy.” o$cer Ophelia Pain. !e strong public outcry and It is pressumed that any other economic downturn has prompt- town enforcing underage drink- ed police to reconsider their poli- ing laws would not have had this cies, but so far no changes have drastic result but, since Athens is been made. mostly a college town, this crack- !e city has petitioned the Photo by Dick Burns/ Picture People down started a huge economic governor and alumnus, Sonny Hundreds of students protest the local police enforcing the 21 and over drinking age. The city of spiral downward that can only be Purdue, to declare the city in a Athens is experiencing very di!cult economic times because of the lack of beer and liquor sales. attributed to the fact that U[sic] state of emergency. Parking department erects garage in order to house ‘big trucks’ By Kandi Cotton !e trucks are also very important Monster Truck A!cionado to the students because they are believed to attract only the truest !e U[sic]GA Parking De- Georgia fans as mates. partment began construction last Parking administrators say week to meet demands for more they are concerned they may have available space, though not in the to receive special clearance to typical way. build the garage. Bombarded by a sea of de- Johnny John !orton, Dean mands, Parking has been forced of U[sic]GA’s College of Parking, to begin construction of a new said, “As it was, the structure was garage that is equipped to handle already set to tower over every the very large pick-up trucks that other building in Athens. With are so common on the Athens the popularity of this new design- campus. er line of 82 inch tires, though, Bobby Joe, eighth-year poultry we’re set to break records.” engineer and mud-tire a"cionado, While the structure is con- said, “It’s about time they recog- structed, students whose trucks nized the needs of the student don’t "t in current parking garag- body. It was criminal how they es are making do in a pasture just expected us to get by with trucks o# of campus. we didn’t need a ladder to get into. !is has raised concerns over I just don’t feel like a man if my the health of the school’s cheer- tires aren’t bigger than whatever leaders, as the pasture was one of car I’m driving next to.” their favorite after-practice graz- Billy Bob, Joe’s second cousin ing spots. and step-brother, agrees. “I just Jane Joe, cheerleading captain can’t believe how ill-equipped the and mother of Bobby Joe, said, campus is right now. Yesterday, I “I’m worried one of my girls might just stood by in horror as my little choke on a lugnut or worse, take a sister was told she couldn’t even chunk out of a tire while they’re "t her tires in the garage. How eating. I mean, when you’re hun- exactly is she supposed to pick up gry, those things look mighty Bobby Joe for their date in a car tempting.” that small?” Bob said. At the time of press no un- Very large “monster trucks” fortunate incidents had occurred Photo by Alison Wanda Land/ Picture People are common among the campus between the school’s cheerleaders as many students feel that whom- and the “big trucks” parked in the The U[sic]GA Parking Department is erecting a much bigger parking garage to allow ample space ever has the largest truck is often "eld. for the large quantity of students that drive big monster trucks and park on the Athens campus. the most masculine and truly a It is believed that the truck U[sic]GA fan. Students can often owners are being given special the monster truck rallies that they monster truck rally show. !e their “beater” cars from their front be seen in the student parking lots treatment by the Parking o$ce put on every year. show regularly sells out and al- yards and to the competition for admiring each other trucks and because they often heavily con- For these events Sanford Sta- ways proves to be a favorite for the the “monster trucks” to perform comparing the size of their trucks. tribute to the school’s revenue by dium is converted into a large Athens locals who often donate their jumps over during the show. To Hell with Georgia!

!is space provided as a public service by the Technique. To Hell with Georgia!

!is space provided as a public service by the Technique. 
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Technique DRUNK LIFE Student, confused with monkey, returned home By Ima Jacket for knocking zoo patrons uncon- Monkey Wrestler scious with coconuts. “I remember one time he Ian Azoo, third-year Animal grabbed this little girl’s head and Relations, is "nally home safely ate her glasses,” handler Jerry after a two-week long manhunt Church fondly recalls. “And then was brought to a close following he ate her gameboy too. !at’s his surprising discovery in the ba- when I knew he was special.” boon pit of the Metropolitan At- Fellow keeper Joey Truth add- lanta Zoo. ed “!is one time he escaped and Zoo o$cials "rst sighted the found the bottle of gin I hid in the naked man at 4 p.m. Friday, back of my o$ce. We later found about three hours after his fam- him attempting to mate with our ily reported him missing. Azoo’s African Rhino, Becky. We actual- communication with other pri- ly thought we were viewing some mates through grunts, barks, and incredible zoology research by see- yells led keepers to label the hairy ing a monkey attempting to mate Caucasian man as a rare albino with a rhino, I guess it turns out pygmy monkey and he was kept at he was just really drunk. What a the zoo for two weeks before any riot.” suspiscion was raised. Azoo is reportedly doing well During his two week stay, and is back home, but he is insis- Azoo delighted and shocked visi- tent that he live outside. !e Uni- Photo by Anita Johnson/ Picture People tors with his antics, which ranged versity of Georgia has awarded Ian Azoo has been returned to his home after he was mistaken for a rare albino pygmy monkey in from his frequent attempts to uri- Azoo an honorary bachelors of the Atlanta Zoo. Azoo stayed in a cage with the baboons for two weeks until he was spotted. nate on zoo sta#, to his penchant science in Animal Relations.

StateBy Thomas mandates Tank numerous special acts of unprotected condomwhile obtaining our use ultimate toadvanced prevent structure dedicated toreproducing more personnel to attend and Sexpert fornication and the decrease in goals. It’ll be a slow and painful disposing these condoms. U[sic] construct, respectively,” said Tom the state’s rate of employment, at- process but we believe it is for the GA’s students will bring their used Katt, another representative from !e University Health Center tendance of higher education and betterment of the state in the long condoms in at the end of the week the Department of Community at U[sic]GA will now receive a public safety in the past decade. run,” Stroker said. so the condom disposing com- A#airs. weekly order of 50,000 specially However, the research found Because of this rather drastic mitte can bury them deeply “It’s really a win-win situa- designed and reinforced condoms a postive correlation to the ris- measure, U[sic]GA will undergo under the campus grounds tion,” Katt said. to prevent the alumni and student ing birth rate of “bulldog babies” a series of alterations both on its using its high- tech con- Due to the large quan- body from reproducing. and the rise in smog (presumably campus and in its sta# composi- dom burying tech- tities of condoms needed !e announcement is due to a due to the increase in big trucks), tion in the upcoming semester. nology. and the limited re- recent joint proposition by Geor- water pollution (presumably from A special sub-branch will now “Not only source of materials, gia’s Department of Community the rise in chicken farms) and be introduced to the Univer- did we the specially rein- Health, Education, Community junkyards. !e results were pre- sity Health Center, named Dawg a v o i d forced condoms A#airs and Public Safety. !e sented to the State Departments Wrappers, solely for the purpose h a v- will have to Health Center is under state or- listed above and direct measure of distributing the weekly order of i n g be modi- ders to completely distribute all where put into action right away. condoms to speci"c locations on t o "ed from condoms by the week’s end and “Athens’ revenues for the state campus. Fraternities and sorori- re- a l r e a d y before new order arrives. from its University’s college tu- ties are the primary targets for the move the e x ist i ng !at means that all 50,000 ition are too great for us to simply condom allocation, with certain school al- c o n d o m s special condoms must be distrib- shut down the school all togeth- dorms also added to the list. together but, around the uted to the student body very er,” said Willie Stroker, a repre- Because of the large number the proposed State. It was unani- quickly. sentative from the Department of of condoms that will have to dis- plan even allows mously decided by the !is maneuver is mainly due Community A#airs. posed of weekly, a new system had for more employ- Department of Health to a recent discovery by a group “We collectively believe that to be devised to make sure the de- ment opportunities as that these shortages would of Tech graduate students who this is the best course of action vices were properly disposed of. both the Dawg Wrap- be "elded by shipments from less undisputedly drew a direct re- to prevent further reproduction, As a result, Sanford Stadium pers and the newly remod- dangerous target groups, like pris- lationship between U[sic]GA’s which is the root of our problems, will be remodeled into a high-tech eled Sanford Stadium require ons. Animal spelling problems causes embarrassment to students By Anita Hug the word ‘dog’ is spelled “d-a-w- Oral Reporter g.” “But the truly concerning !is fall the English and Jour- problem is that students and fans nalism departments at the Univer- alike are starting to apply the sity [sic] of Georgia have noticed same incorrect spelling to other an alarming trend—students and everyday animals,” said Professor fans of the school seem to be re- Drew Peacock, who was in charge gressing in what is historically one of study. Peacock has found it of their highest nationally rank- particularly frustrating that an ing majors: remedial spelling of increasing number of his own stu- animal names. !e most recent dents have begun misspelling his spelling embarrassment for the own name on papers and tests. student body came in a Facebook “On a number of occasions event page promoting fan atten- this semester I’ve had to reiterate dance for U[sic]GA’s game against to my class. My name is Professor the University of South Carolina DREW PEACOCK, not DREW Gamecocks. !e tagline read, PEACAWCK,” Peacock said. “Come watch our Dawgs beat the According to the study, rough- Cawcks.” ly 72% of incoming freshman stu- Even Philadelphia Eagles back- dents are having trouble spelling up quarterback and UGA fan, elementary animal names. !at

Michael Vick found the tagline same statistic rises to 87% for Photo by Hung Wang/ Picture People spelling troubling. graduating seniors. The English and Journalism departments at U[sic]GA are experiencing a di!cult time training their “!ey really need to get their Another English Professor, spelling together,” said Vick, Mike Hawk, who teaches intro- students to correctly spell many animal names. The word “dawg” from “dog” is especially a problem “Other than that, I don’t really see ductory animal spellings, has ex- any problem with it. It actually perienced similar problems in his some proactive steps in the mat- this problem. Chair Payne N. Diaz. sounded pretty good to me.” classroom as of late. ter. Along with providing animal “I’ve been putting a lot of pres- If the problem is not correct- While it has long been a U[sic] “!e name ‘Mike Hawk’ is a sound wheels (the kind that play sure on Professor Hawk lately. ed within the next year they are GA tradition to struggle in aca- tricky one. Is it spelled H-O-K correct sounds and spellings of Hopefully we’ve already hit the considering getting rid of reading demic "elds, a recent study shows or H-A-W-K?” said Hugh Jass, a animals) to students, the admin- climax of the problem and all of altogether becuase it is becoming that U[sic]GA is seeing more and "rst-year Animal Spelling major. istration has taken steps to work our hard work and e#ort will pay so much of a hassle to teach the more students who truly believe U[sic]GA has been taking with the faculty to help correct o#,” said English Department students to spell. [email protected] THWUGA Entertainment Editor: Luke Atmadik 11 Tuesday, Partyin Times November 24, 2009 Reality TV: U[sic]GA students overrun VH1 shows

By Luke Atmadik chaels by exposing skin. Editor of Partyin Times We had the opportunity to sit in on the "lming for Tool Academy !e premieres of the new- 3 and Rock of Love: Trailer Trash est seasons of VH1’s increasingly and interview the some of the con- popular Tool Academy and Rock of testants. Love are approaching quickly and “Usually, our shows are script- "lming is underway. ed so that the ‘tools’ only appear Interestingly enough, we found to be huge tools and our Bret Mi- that U[sic]GA’s football team chaels girls pretend to be in love comprises the entire cast of Tool with him and be ditzy, but for this Academy 3, and the cast of Rock season we will actually just be able of Love: Trailer Trash is U[sic]GA to "lm them in their natural state. sorority Chi Chi Chi (XXX). Most of the football team already !is season on Tool Acad- torments their girlfriends and emy, the contestants will be put our Tri-Chi girls would probably through a variety of relationship- try sleeping with anything that building challenges, including breathes, so our job this season confederate $ag weaving, mud- will be much easier than in the ding and keg stands. Rock of Love: past,” said Jason Cruz, casting di- Trailer Trash will be comprised of rector for both Tool Academy and the Tri-Chis attempting to “win Tool the heart” of rock star Bret Mi- See , page 13 Photo illustration by Willy O’Toole/ Picture People Sesame Street performs for Comedians refuse to die-hard students, fans go wild appear at U[sic]GA

Photo illustration by Jimmy Dean/ Picture People Photo illustration by Lotsa Hicks/ Picture People Sesame Street thrilled fans at U[sic]GA during their Nov. 21 performance located in the !eld behind The National Comedy Association (NCA) has put U[sic]GA on their the abandoned shed. Many life-long followers along with newfound fanatics were in attendance. black list for comedians having to explain jokes to the audience.

FUN THINGS entire Sesame Street crew came later, like Hangman. By Ollie Tabooger various networks. All bookings out for a special performance While all students were excit- Taste Expert for major comedians go through Sesame Street LIVE! at the abandoned "eld, giving a ed, some were a little too excited. the NCA. RUN DATES: Nov. 20-Dec. 25 nearly sold-out performance. Elmo for example, on high securi- !e Entertainment committee According to the NCA, the “I love Sesame Street,” said one ty alert after receiving a du#e big of the University Union program- reason for putting U[sic]GA on DIRECTOR: Elmo of the fans, “It taught me every- full of photos of him doctored in ming board has been experiencing the blacklist is due to the extra VENUE: Field behind the thing I need to know about life, with a local student as well as the a great deal of di%culty in secur- work and e&ort required for co- abandoned shed like counting.” words “LOVE ME” emblazoned ing comedians and other similar medians to perform at U[sic]GA. When asked if he brought his on top with a red, runny sub- acts for campus events for the up- “!is is something that we’ve STARRING: Elmo, Big Bird, family, the student replied after stance that may or may not have coming year. been considering for a long time. Oscar the Grouch and Snuffy much deep thought that all three been blood. U[sic]GA has been placed Every time we have done a show !!!!! of his mom’s and dad’s were pres- “Elmo pretty chill with fans. on the black list of the National at U[sic]GA, we have to add on an OUR TAKE: ent. But when Elmo sees ‘bwood’, Comedy Association (NCA), hour to the show’s length in order !e performance featured spe- Elmo knows that certain lines which has prevented U[sic]GA to explain the jokes. !e humor By Hung Wang cial guest stars, Elmo, Big Bird have been crossed,” said Elmo. from booking any comedy acts to just seems to go over students’ Sexual Investigator and the Cookie Monster. !e en- Tears were shed as the perfor- perform on campus. heads,” said Blaine Cook, the tire crowd went wild with excite- mance came to a close with many !e NCA is a union of co- president of the NCA. “Our co- !is year marked the celebra- ment, from singing along to the students packing their bags as medians from across the nation, medians are passionate about tell- tion of Sesame Street’s 40th anni- ABCs to thinking critically for they attempted to follow the tour and includes the most popular ing jokes, not explaining them.” versary, a celebration that Georgia the much more intricate and com- for what they referred to as “the comedians that have appeared on students took to the fullest. !e plicated word games presented hottest show of the season.” Comedy Central, MTV and other See Comedy, page 12 
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Technique ENTERTAINMENT THWUGAMES One of these Part of this drawing has pictures is a square 2 been cleverly left out. Can and one is not. SUDOKU1 you guess the animal in Which one is the the incomplete picture? square? 2 A 21 1 2 1 Fill in the grid so that every row and column contains the digits 1 through 2. Tic Tac Toe B Challenge You are “X”. Can you !nish the puzzle to win? X O X Advanced Puzzle Cut out the pieces and see if you can !gure out O O how to put it together. Good Luck! X O X

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t 13 Wrong scholarship Palin’s Rogue too long, wordy winner given crown

Photo illustration by Booty Dew/ Picture People By Ivanna Tinkle of the U[sic]GA’s female popula- Head of Bathroom Duty tion following this controversy. “We tried to interview wom- !is year’s U[sic]GA’s Aestheti- en around campus about their cally Based Scholarship Competi- thoughts of this homogeneity,” tion was rocked with controversy said SGA’s VP of Smartness Stu when the judges didn’t realize that Pidcow. “However, we lost track the wrong girl had been awarded of how many girls we’d inter- the crown. viewed and later realized that we “!e room was "lled with mir- had been interviewing the same rors, and I thought I was receiv- girl all day.” ing the crown, sash and bouquet,” While scienti"c studies state Photo illustration by Richard Long/ Picture People said Anita Knapp, a third-year that occasionally physically iden- PEOPLE CAN READ? !e autobiography, with all its "nd a lack of colored pictures. My Cosmetology Engineering major tical appearance will occur in the Going Rogue hype, fell short of my expectations eyes were greeted by pages and and the true winner of the com- form of identical twins, 94% of and the expectations of thousands pages of text, and I could feel my petition. U[sic]GA’s female population is WRITER: Sarah Palin of students who were looking for- eyes beginning to water and burn. “When I realized there was between 5’4 and 5’7, has blonde PUBLISHER: HarperCollins ward to a fun and exciting read I began to feel dizzy and no crown on my head, I looked hair, blue eyes and at least one about an exciting woman. slammed the book shut when I across the stage and saw a girl who form of plastic surgery. GENRE: Autobiography I showed up to Barnes and No- was reminded by a fellow U[sic] looked just like me wearing my Several weeks after the pageant PAGE COUNT: 432 ble for the midnight release party GA student that reading can title.” controversy, SGA discovered an and participated in Palin trivia cause brain cancer. !e judges claim that they kept underground network of makeup RELEASED: Nov. 24, 2009 and faming games for six hours Nevertheless, I decided to risk track of the 50 girls in the pageant artists and plastic surgeons that until I could get my book. Dur- cancer and read the book. Once based on whose hair was up and train the U[sic]GA female popula- OUR TAKE: !!!!! ing trivia, I was able to correctly again, I was disappointed. From whose hair was down. tion several weeks before the be- answer that Levi Johnston, Palin’s the title, Going Rogue, I was led “All the contestants wore their ginning of school. By Angie O’Plasty granddaughter-daddy who posed to believe that a certain X-Men hair down during the swimsuit !is underground network was Medical Expert nude in Playgirl a few days ago, character would grace the plot of portion of the competition so we initially installed to prepare wom- actually has an eight-pack instead Palin’s life. Rogue, however, was lost track of who was who,” said en going through formal recruit- As a proud conservative and of a six-pack. conspicuously absent from all 400 Dusty Rhodes, a graduate Female ment. However, business con- adamant supporter of John Mc- I won a free copy of the book pages. Anatomy major and one of the tinued when U[sic]GA’s females Cain and Sarah Palin during for knowledge on Palin family To all those thinking of buying judges of the competition. discovered how easy it became to the 2008 presidential elections, I drama. this book, save yourself from the !e Student Government As- steal each other’s boyfriends when must say that I am thoroughly dis- Once the book was in my brain cancer you might get. It’s sociation (SGA) led an investiga- they all practiced the same two- appointed with Palin’s new book, hand, I quickly $ipped through not worth it. I give this book two tion on the physical homogeneity hour hair and make-up ritual. Going Rogue. the pages and was dismayed to paws down.

Comedy from page 11 due to alcohol killing their brain Tool from page 11 Executive Producer of Rock of We were shown a clip of the cells, but obviously U[sic]GA stu- Love: Trailer Trash. "rst episode when the team was dents don’t have enough to under- “We were surprised at the high told that the show is actually Tool Statistics compiled by the stand a simple joke,” Cook said. Rock of Love. caliber of contestants we found in Academy. Since the football team NCA showed that during a typi- Members of the programming “Filming the shows has been the football players. We told them is dating the cheerleading squad, cal comedy performance at U[sic] board have still expressed their somewhat of a challenge for the that they are going to be on a they thought that the arrival of GA, there is on average a "ve min- confusion regarding the entire upcoming season because some of show called America’s Best Football their girlfriends was all part of the ute silence following each punch- situation. our contestants on the two shows Team. !e funny thing is, they ac- show America’s Best Football Team. line before laughter commences. “We still don’t get it. Maybe overlap. !ere are a few girls who tually fell for it. And for some rea- Tune in to these exciting new sea- “!e audience really makes the if someone could explain this to are actually on both Rock of Love son after we broke the news that sons to "nd out if the football performance. When the audience us again in simple words, then and Tool Academy as a girlfriend, the show is actually Tool Academy team ever "gures out what show is really thick-headed, the perfor- we could understand,” said Jess so we’ve had to be careful not to 3, they still seem to think they’re they are "lming and which one mance just becomes a set of awk- Dumbo, president of the pro- schedule "lming for the shows on here because they’re the best foot- of the Tri-Chis ends up with Bret ward silences. I don’t know if it’s gramming board. the same day,” said Bob Rayburn, ball team,” Cruz said. Michaels. 
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Technique SPORTS New ticketing policy empties stands Cox confused by By Uga Lee Transfer student name-based humor Georgia fan attendance plum- By Mike Sweeney no avail. “I saw the look in his eyes meted at last weekend’s football Comes through in the clutch and I realized it was just beyond game against Kentucky after a him. #ere was just no way it was ticketing snafu only allowed actu- U[sic]GA !fth-year senior going to happen,” McGee said. al U[sic]GA students and alumni quarterback Joe Cox doesn’t un- #e incidents have served as a to attend the game. derstand why people think his !rm, pulsing reminder of the dan- It is believed that the U[sic] name is so funny, people close to gers of humor around the func- GA athletic department was up- the football player said. tionally illiterate. set that, as a result of Georgia’s “He just doesn’t get it when “It’s gotten to the point now poor performance on the !eld this we try to explain it to him,” said where we won’t talk about it,” one season, thousands of seats went Cox’s roommate and close friend, teammate said. “If anyone brings unsold to U[sic]GA fans for the Jack Ho". “#e joke is completely it to attention, we have to deal Auburn game the week before and over his head.” with [Joe] Cox getting in our face. were subsequently purchased by According to several of Cox’s I don’t know what the team will Auburn fans. friends and acquaintances, the do if Cox explodes on us one more #e department’s ticket master, quarterback doesn’t understand time.” Cletus Hicks, believed it would be why people laugh at his name. Another teammate added: better to allocate the tickets for “When people bring it up, it “#e sooner we move on, the the Kentucky game to the people really seems to get him throbbing sooner we can get this behind us that they knew would be “real” mad,” another source said. “And and go back to playing football, or Georgia fans. there is nothing worse than a red, at least tryin’.” Hicks instituted a new system angry, Cox waving around in your Phone calls and e-mails to Cox restricting entry to only students face, ready to blow.” were not returned, but friends with valid U[sic]GA ID cards or Flint McGee, a third-year Turf worry that his recent struggles alumni with valid Charmin-based Management student, tried help- against mediocre competition will diplomas. In the process, he for- ing Cox make the connection to result in even more jokes. got that the majority of game-day seats are !lled by people who nev- er attended the university[sic]. “I guess I just got so upset about all them darn Tiger fans be- ing around here and I thought to myself, ‘Cletus, why don’t you just give the tickets to you know who 1IPUP
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 Student Publications will be real Dawg fans?’ I guess I This Kennesaw State student, who was already confused about his per- forgot that most of our fans didn’t sonal identity, cannot attend Georgia games under the new ticket policy. actually graduate,” Hicks said. #e stands in the designated “I was really upset when I “#is event has taught us the Georgia areas were near empty learned I couldn’t get into the importance of our trusted fair- with the exception of the stu- game,” said Billy Bob Busch, a weather fans,” Hicks said. dent section. However, many in Kennesaw State University stu- As a result of the ticketing the student section could not be dent. “I was basically forced to problem the city of Athens expe- counted as present because they tailgate here for about eight hours. rienced a drastic decrease in rev- were not considered conscious. Well, on second thought I guess enue because of the lack of beer Despite the lack of tickets to that’s about the same as what I do sales in the area. the game, thousands of U[sic]GA already every game day.” Beer sales, especially Keystone fans from other schools still came After learning about the ticket- Light sales, support the majority and tailgated for their usual day- ing problem, the football program of the city’s functions. #e lack in 1IPUP
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 Picture People long menagerie of mullet contests, decided to o"er complimentary revenue means that the city may One of Joe Cox’s few remaining fans shows support for the quarterback. bobbing for pig feet and mother- tickets to the snubbed fans for the not be able to put on as many trac- Cox himself was oblivious to the double-edged nature of the comment. daughter Jell-O wrestling. Toilet Bowl. tor pull events this year.

sliver www.nique.net to the guys studying awesome ‘hard’ calculus and discussing how they keep their roommate out of their room during sex by writ- ing ‘predicted end time’ on the door: NO ONE CARES. YOU ARE NO PIMP! 4th Floor 8th St E. I am going to come over there and shove your laser pointer up your @$$ professors dont give a damn about dead week I’ve seen this girl all over campus at random places, and I want to know her, she is gorgeous! I don’t even know your name... not all red heads at tech are ugly... open your eyes. girl who asks stupid questions in social psych: i hate you. To guy in red car: Sorry I pulled out in front of you on my bike. I may have still been drunk from the night before and I may have been late for a test. THWG!!!! Getting stoned means two completely di"erent things depending on what time period you’re from. Without me, everything is just aweso. I dread locks. GT Parking is an absolute joke. I’m now paying to park at a meter AND paying a ticket because you aren’t competent enough to maintain your equipment. I now want to be a d-bag Alum just so Why should the Board of Regents care about increasing student fees? Bartering was still the major method of monitary transfer when they were students... Technique, you can do better than using failing logic and incor- rect facts to insult SGA. Yes, there may be problems, but there are much worse culprits of incompetence – try housing or parking or… NY Times Article “Georgia Tech’s Bedford Makes Time for Spread Option and D’Alembert’s Paradox “ THE TECHNIQUE IS TECHNOLOGIC- J-LAW TECH NEEDS CAMERAS!!! we gotta start making classes easier or no one will want to come here SPORTS Technique t
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“Tackling dummy” drill leads to brawl,By shuts Chuck Myseck down“Everyone practice in the media kept Dummy-in-chief talking about how tackle dum- mies would have done a better job U[sic]GA football head coach than we have, so I got scared at Mark Richt and defensive coordi- facing the real talent. We have to nator Willie Martinez had to stop work our way to that level,” said football practice last week after junior nose tackle Imma Eatu. several dozen defensive players Martinez watched from the top were injured in a common tack- of the sled as they each fruitlessly ling dummy drill. attempted to wrestle each other to #e incident occurred after the ground. Martinez had the !rst- and sec- “It was like watching animals ond-string defensive units line up !ght in the wild. #ey ram each in front of the dummies. other a lot but nothing really hap- “I just told them to ‘tackle the pens,” Martinez said. dummies.’ Nothing really out of Martinez and Richt attempted the ordinary,” Martinez said. to rectify the situation the next When the drill began, all of day by placing signs labeled “HIT the defensive players on the !eld ME” on the dummies. simultaneously started tackling Unfortunately, the signs caused each other. Some also ran across even more confusion when the the !eld and tried to bring down players just stared while trying to running backs conducting a sepa- read the characters on the papers. rate o"ensive drill. Martinez told the players to “We run this drill to help them “sound it out” and “take it one let- simulate a game. As soon as I blew ter at a time,” with little success. my whistle, they lunged towards #e next day Richt replaced each other,” Martinez said. the original signs with pictures of 1IPUP
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 Picture People Many of the U[sic]GA players their cousins. #e players started Georgia defensive players cause chaos at a practice after misinterpreting the term “tackling dummy.” The explained that they were confused tackling and lunging toward the team’s well-publicized inability to tackle properly led the team to believe Willie Martinez was mocking them. by the instructions. dummies immediately.

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 won’t be easy to repair.” again in Jacksonville. We will also responsible for the acts, but the locked starting Wednesday. #ere have been e"orts to calm be placing pots of chocolate gold problem is that we can’t seem to A decision on what to do with tween the turf and real grass. disgruntled fans and alumni who around Sanford Stadium. Hope- tell any of them apart,” said Ima the stadium’s famous hedges has “It’s such a problem just start- are wary of the break from tradi- fully, the shiny and edible trinkets Doubledee, cheerleading coach not yet been issued. ing that now we have to o$cially tion in replacing the grass. Many will be able to distract them long and director. “It’ll take at least two Athletic department o$cials block o" all entrances of the sta- consider changing the surface to enough until the season is over,” years before we’re able to separate have expressed interest in replac- dium,” Wieser said. be sacrilege. Wieser said. who from who and !gure out who ing the hedges with arti!cial repli- “It’s a good thing we’re not “#e new turf will be painted O$cials are having a di$cult the real culprits are.” cas, concerned that the cheerlead- playing any more games for the black. #ere will also be free eye time !nding those responsible for While the !eld is being re- ers would simply begin munching rest of the year, because that !eld protection kits handed out during the !eld damage. “We’ve tried placed, the doors leading to the on the hedges after the Astroturf has some intense damage on it. It games and when we play Florida reprimanding the cheerleaders !eld will still be chained and is installed. TQPSUT!OJRVFOFU THWUGA Sports Editor: #VMMEPH
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Tailgatin’ /PWFNCFS

 U[sic]GA accepts bid to inaugural Toilet Bowl

By Paige Turner The most interesting journalist[sic] in the world by After their home loss to Kentucky on Saturday night, the U[sic]GA football team has accepted a bid the to play in the inaugural Roto Rooter Toilet Bowl. #e game will be played on Dec. 28, and U[sic] numbers GA’s opponent has yet to be determined. “#is is a great opportunity for Georgia football to represent the SEC...Our season has gone down the 5 drain, but we can at least look forward to the Toilet Bowl,” U[sic]GA Head Coach Mark Richt said. Number of games the football Even though the Bulldogs’ opponent has not yet team has lost this season. U[sic]GA been determined at this point, Vegas already has list- has lost to Oklahoma State, LSU, ed U[sic]GA as 23-point underdogs. Tennessee, Florida and Kentucky. #e game will basically be a home game for the Bulldogs because the contest will be held in Sanford Stadium. Georgia Athletic Director Damon Evans said this was a big selling point for the Bulldogs. “Getting a bid for a home bowl game was de!nite- 94 ly a load o" my shoulders,” Evans said. #e number of penalties commit- Just as the Orange Bowl is a symbol of the game’s ted by the Bulldogs this season, put- location of Miami, Fla., the Toilet Bowl signi!es the ting them at No. 4 in the nation. widespread belief that Athens, Ga. is the world’s crap- piest city. #e Toilet Bowl will be the last chance for U[sic] GA fans to see their hero, senior quarterback Joe Cox, take his last colligate snap. 26 “I’m just so ready to get this season over with,” Cox Number of turnovers lost by the said. Bulldogs this season, which has them “I’ve already got a job lined up after college at the tied for No. 11 in the nation. Arby’s Law Firm,” Cox continued. When told that Arby’s is a fast food restaurant and not a law !rm, Cox simply replied, “No comment.” Evans hopes the revenue from this game can cover a multitude of the football team’s costs. 50 First and foremost, the pro!t from this game will go to the rising costs of Richt’s vanity requirements. Jersey number of Kentucky line- Richt has a clause in his contract that forces UGA to backer Sam Maxwell, who made the pay for his weekly spray-on tan. Also, the hardships game-winning interception on Sat- that Richt has faced this season have caused his hair urday. to start falling out, so he has chosen to get hair plugs instead of showing his age. Second, a portion of the remaining pro!ts from the game will pay for U-Haul moving trucks. Instead of !ring Assistant Coaches Mike Bobo and Willie Mar- 2.5 tinez face-to-face, Richt has decided to rent U-Haul Projected Nielsen rating for the trucks and leave them outside the coaches’ homes. telecast of this season’s Roto Rooter Richt hopes that Martinez and Bobo will be so Toilet Bowl on Dec. 28, approxi- happy to drive the moving trucks that they will not mately the same as the ratings tradi- be sad about being !red and having to move. #ird, whatever money is left over from the previ- tionally received by programs such as 1IPUP
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 Picture People Nickelodeon’s Spongebob Squarepants ous costs will go to UGA students and alumni. Evans is implementing a system that actually pays people to In light of this season’s struggles, Georgia decided to cut its losses and accept an attend UGA basketball games. early bid to the Roto Rooter Toilet Bowl. Their opponent remains to be determined. Sanford Stadium adopts Astroturf !eld to prevent grazing By Beau Vine base. Imagine trying to raise watch it happen. I just want Not eating more chicken enthusiasm for our football to !nd the nearest thing I can team. Good grief, it’s probably eat and grass happens to be it!” Starting Wednesday, the harder than !nding a fairly of- said Candi Dooit, captain of U[sic]GA Athletic Association !ciated game in the SEC,” said the cheerleading squad. (AA) will be closing Sanford Michael Hunt, an athletic de- “I don’t blame the girls for Stadium in order to replace the partment o$cial. doing it! I blame it on myself! grass on the !eld with turf. “We’ve tried discouraging It’s just so hard to keep a strong According to Facilities Di- this behavior but apparently face when all you want to do rector Bud Wiser, the move they saw someone from #e is stu" grass in your mouth,” comes after Monday’s post- Hills doing it so now they said trainer Bo Tocks. game facilities reviews showed won’t listen to what anyone Wieser believes that once damage beyond repair on the says,” Hunt said. the grass is replaced and the !eld. In response to the cases of turf is put in, the cases of graz- A further look into the grazing, the U[sic]GA Spirit ing cheerleaders should de- cause of the damage revealed Team is investigating into crease. However as of Monday also that the damage was not various reasons as to why the when facilities workers began induced by natural causes cheerleaders have begun to placing turf on the sidelines, from football games; rather, graze the !eld. Some Spirit some workers had to shoo it was due to the problem of Team coordinators believe that away cheerleaders who were overgrazing by the U[sic]GA the grazing is due to depres- gnawing unknowingly at the cheerleading squad. sion-induced eating following newly placed turf. “We’ve been having dif- U[sic]GA’s lackluster football According to witnesses on !culties with our cheerleaders season. hand, the cheerleaders could 1IPUP
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 Picture People getting hungry at halftime. “It’s just been so hard, and barely tell the di"erence be- Bored cheerleaders chew on bits of the grass of the Sanford Stadium !eld. In re- #ey have to cheer so dawg- we get so hungry out on the sponse to damage to the grass, the school is implementing an Astroturf surface. gone hard to encourage our fan !eld for that long, and just to See Grazing, page 15