ECONOMIC PLUNGER Bear Named New Dean of Forestry

TUESDAY TO NOVEMBER 24, 2009 VOLUME 95, ISSUE 18 !""#$%&#'&()#$%*$#+$),#(&#-./'$0 Almost 100 percent new content! Hell withGeorgia A special edition of “The South’s Liveliest College Newspaper” ONLINE: www.nique.net ESTABLISHED 1911, GEORGIA INSTITUTE OF TECHNOLOGY, ATLANTA, GA Photo by Jamie Howell/Picture Taking People Bear named new Dean of Forestry By Chris P. Bacon the well-known #re safety ad- through a second story win- Although it was previously Bear Mediator vocate from the United States dow after the bear was led into believed that they would inter- Forest Service public service his o%ce with a trail of mixed vene in the matter, the Board O%cials at U[sic]GA an- announcements, but is in- nuts and assorted berries and of Regents has decided to “let nounced last Friday that stead a 456 lb. male black bear locked inside. !e bear’s #rst this one go,” according to the Smokey D. Bear has been that had been seen lumbering order of business as the new Board’s Vice Chair Richard named the new Dean of the around campus earlier in the dean was to run about wildly, D. Philips, “since it de#nitely Warnell School of Forestry week. knocking over tables, chairs, can’t make things any worse and Natural Resources. Re- !e hire came as quite a and bookshelves. !is redeco- there.” When reached for com- Photo by I.R. Drunk/Picture Taking People ports have come in from lo- shock to many at the school ration was followed by an ex- ment, Dean Smokey bared his Dean Bear oversees new mandates on in- cal residents claiming that including the former Dean tended nap on the antique ex- creasing student awareness of forest !res. Dean Smokey is not in fact himself who was forced to "ee ecutive desk. See Dean, Page 2 Admissions cut ECONOMIC PLUNGER with increased Toilet paper shortages may lead to a lack of UGA diplomas readingBy Moe Ronn levels Academic Mediocrity O!cer Last year, U[sic]GA decided to in- crease the minimum reading standards for incoming freshmen to the 3rd grade level. !e change resulted in a 50% cut in admissions. !is decision was made in response to recent budget cuts by the University Sys- tem of Georgia’s Board of Regents (BoR) due to the economic downturn. !ese budget cuts have forced U[sic]GA to make cuts to their faculty size. Of which, the admissions sta$ was hit the hardest. “Our sta$ is simply unable to go through the applications of the many otherwise #ne second-graders. To help them we increased the minimum reading standards to aid our admissions sta$,” said Lou Pole, director of admissions. Also because of budget cuts U[sic]GA has been forced to delay the hiring and re#lling of vacated faculty positions. “!is downturn has made us unable to maintain the superb faculty that has provided the students with the qualityparty- ing experience, we mean education, that we have provided for so long,” Pole said. With the cuts in admissions, U[sic]GA Photo by Emma Roids/ Pictures not Books can expect to maintain the similar stu- Schnei-Schnei Jones lifts his diploma up high at last May’s commencement ceremony. Jones and his fellow graduates could dent-faculty ratios compared to previous be the last of U[sic]GA graduates to receive their diplomas, due to the toilet paper shortage and economic downturn. years, #nally bringin them in line with state day-care and child safety standards, By Joe Plumber one of the Alcoholics Anonymous clin- a long-time goal. Plumber Extraordinaire ics in Athens. “We’ve been thinking of U[sic]GA has found itself particularly several replacements, but there aren’t hard-hit by this #nancial crisis. When the !e "agging economy has slowed many materials that hold as many BoR announced the budget cuts they are the production of many commodities, advantages that toilet paper does. For expressed as a percentage or portion of including the toilet paper industry. example, we pride ourselves in telling the operating budget. !is shortage could have severe reper- prospective students that a Georgia “Because we don’t have the promi- cussions, includin’ one on diploma degree holds many advantages. Like, if nence of other schools like Georgia Tech availability, a worry plaguing the U[sic] you had to go to the bathroom and it and whatnot, we can’t command as large GA. turns out that the owner forgot to stock of a research budget that would otherwise “!ere is de#nite concern that there up on toilet paper, well then you’ll be provide some support during these #nan- might not be enough toilet paper with in luck as you’ll have your diploma. In cially di%cult times,” said Harry Pitts, which to print our diplomas on come fact, research shows that our diplomas senior vice president for #nance admin- graduation day,” said Seymour Butte, istration. Photo by Emma Roids/Pictures not Books director of both Administrations and See Diploma, page 3 MONSTER TRUCKS PUZZLING PAGEANT JOE COX !";0,)(#"%("%#11'( !"#$%&'()*"+,%)(*-%(.%)/ !-%(;8);00%))?;1( #<%)47%9(E4<('4;( *-%*+0#11'(2#)%&(30-41#"/ )%8+4"(@;#"*%"A#0,( 0#8(5#",(*-%7(48( )-+5(6475%*+*+489(:%7#1%( )%%7)(048?;)%&(A'( 0#75;)9(3%%(74"%( )*;&%8*(-#)(0"4<8("+55%&( #11(*-%(B4,%)9(C%#&(#11( 48(5#$%(F9 #<#'(48(5#$%(=>9 #A4;*(+*(48(5#$%(=D9 t/PWFNCFS tTechnique TOILET PAPER THWUGA: As much CityBy Hercules Cacockpolousof Athens, Greece renamed about us as them Senior Demi-god By the Technique “To Hell With Georgia.” In an act to preserve national Over the years, the Technique pride, the Prime Minister of If it’s your #rst year at Georgia has produced various issues mock- Greece announced Monday that Tech —or if you are a University ing UGA’s daily newspaper, "e after dealing with decades of dis- of Georgia student lucky enough Red and Black, and the constitu- appointment and embarrassment, to lay eyes on this issue of the ency it serves. It’s been called "e the citizens of Greece have elected Technique—welcome to “To Hell Rude and Bleak and UGA Today, to rename the nation’s capital and With Georgia,” a very special edi- and its lead story has ranged from largest city, Athens, to end its as- tion of the “!e South’s Liveliest airport security classes to Ford sociation with its former sister city College Newspaper.” In the fol- sponsorships. of Athens, Georgia. lowing pages you will #nd alco- But it is not the name of the Recent polls have indicated hol, rednecks, farm animals and paper or the content within it that that many residents of the city lots of dawgs. matters most to us; it is the tradi- have been confused for quite some We members of the Technique tion embodied in this issue that time as to why the birthplace of Photo by Iona Traktor/ Heavy Machinery are often asked how the tradition we hold dear—a tradition of inge- such great ideas like democracy, Citizens of Athens, Greece, demand name change following more of THWUGA began. Friends say nuity and creativity that binds us philosophy, and modern science than 200 years of humiliation due to another Athens institution. that by producing such a “rag,” we together not only as a newspaper would be a%liated with a commu- Tech students merely perpetuate sta$, but also as a Tech commu- nity that is home to the “cesspool proposals to the government, all actually be. Suggestions have been unfortunate stereotypes—of Ath- nity. of the South.” outlining a plan to “summon the pouring in from across the coun- ens students as drunken rednecks While the jokes may tend to be Many went as far as saying power of Zeus to sink the whole try with several along the lines of and ourselves as geeks with infe- the same, lame or just plain crude, that they actually hate the small place into the ocean just like At- “!wU[sic]GAopolis,” and “Pis- riority complexes—that are no we stay dedicated to the fact of Georgian city, its obsession with lantis!” stating that it would be sondawga”. longer as true as they once were. honoring our humble beginnings. smushed-faced dogs, and the gen- “wicked awesome!” O%cials from the city of Ath- !e answer to these questions are Maintaining high journalistic eral lack of basic hygienic practic- Although the referendum was ens, Georgia declined to comment the same every time; THWUGA standards and being the voice es amongst the population. A tiny passed through Parliament on out of fear of being kicked into a is as much about us as it is about of Tech students is the primary village on the outskirts of the cap- Sunday, there is still no o%cial “frickin’ huge bottomless pit” by a our rivals. concern of the Technique , but ital has even submitted multiple word on what the new name will particularly angry Spartan. Some 97 years ago, the #rst through this special issue we still edition of the Technique published keep alive the moniker of “!e from page 1 on Nov. 17, 1911 was a four-page South’s Liveliest College News- Dean subspecies Ursus americanus !ori- once used for hunting, has stream- paper that focused primarily on paper”. teeth and let out a loud roar before danus, or as they are more com- lined the curriculum at U[sic]GA’s the upcoming football contest So as you "ip through these 16 swiping his massive paw at the monly known, Florida Black Bear.

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