Humanism Ireland • No 109 • March-April 2008 The Columbo Defect Brian McClinton We like Columbo partly because we want our hunches about life and its meaning to be true and the series appears to reassure us that they are OLUMBO is one of the most formula. In the traditional murder mys- popular of all TV series, and tery, the identity of the murderer is not C hardly a day passes without an revealed until the climax of the story, and episode on some TV channel or the detective uncovers clues pointing to other. What is the secret of its endur- the killer. In Columbo, on the other ing success? hand, the audience sees the crime unfold The acting of Peter Falk and the at the beginning and knows exactly who character he creates are certainly did it and how it was done; the ‘mystery’ part of the answer. With his wrin- from the audience’s perspective is spot- kled raincoat, beat-up Peugeot 403 ting the clues that will lead Columbo to Cabriolet convertible, lethargic bas- discover and expose the killer’s guilt. set hound called ‘Dog’ and elusive This allows the story to unfold more wife, Columbo is the eccentric detec- from the criminal’s point of view; Co- finds the ‘rational’ justification for this tive writ large. He is very ‘un- lumbo doesn’t normally appear until 15 belief. In other words, we like Columbo American’ in his manner. minutes or more into the story, the pre- in so small part because we want our Yet Columbo is not what he ceding time being taken up by depicting hunches about life and its meaning to be seems. The scruffy, absent-minded the often-complex nature of the crime, in- true and the series appears to reassure us image which disarms his opponents cluding the history between the killer and that they are. belies the reality of a sharp, incisive the victim. Then we have the battle of The reality, of course, isn’t like that at brain which can unravel the most wits between Columbo and the killer, all. Hunches are no rational basis for ‘perfect’ crime. But it goes deeper usually played by the likes of Patrick any opinion. But it doesn’t stop us. than that, for the character himself is McGoohan (4 episodes), Robert Culp “What a man had rather were true he also a bit of a mystery. What is his (3), William Shatner (2), George Hamil- more readily believes”, wrote Francis first name? Frank? Or is it Philip? ton (2) or Robert Vaughn (2). Three of Bacon, and once the prejudice or prefer- What does Mrs Columbo look like? the best feature Jack Cassidy as the ence sinks it, we then search for the evi- How many kids does he have? Like smuggest of the villains: Now You See dence that supports it and ignore or the Mona Lisa herself, the private Him, Publish or Perish and Murder by downgrade any counter-evidence. man is an unknown and inscrutable the Book, the last directed by Steven Religion and myth thrive on this Co- individual and none of our business. Spielberg. lumbo defect. We want everything to The well-crafted plots also help. Yet this lack of mystery has another turn out all right in the end; we want to The formula always feels fresh be- dimension. Columbo attests to the fact establish ultimate justice; we want eter- cause of the variety of ingeniously that the true source of interest in the de- nal happiness; we want to make sense of devised murders with which they be- tective’s work is the process of decipher- it all. So the mystery is solved: God is the gin and the care to detail which the ment, not its result. Moreover, and answer. And before I end this discussion killer shows in devising his cunning here’s the crucial point, not only do we of the theological implications of plan to dispose of an unwanted part- the spectators know in advance who did Columbo, just one more thing... ❑ ner, relative, rival or whoever. But it but also, inexplicably, Columbo him- equally ingenious are the surprising self knows the moment he encounters the Just one telltale clues that he (or she) leaves culprit. His subsequent work is not the more thing... and which enable the wily lieutenant enigma of ‘whodunit’, but how he should to nab his suspect. Columbo usually prove it to the killer. tricks the killer into confession, as in This reversal of the normal order has Any Port in a Storm, where Donald clear theological connotations. In all ma- Pleasance plays the murderous jor religions the faithful first believes in owner of a winery whose knowledge God (because of upbringing, environ- of the subject leads to his downfall. ment, family etc) and then seeks evidence But, as well as the acting and the to ‘prove’ it. Just as Columbo first plots, there is a third factor in its knows with a mysterious but infallible success. One thing that is not a mys- certainty who did it and then proceeds to tery is the identity of the killer. Co- gather proofs, the believer ‘knows’ that lumbo reverses the usual whodunit his or her God exists and then afterwards 22.