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Scratch Pad 77 March 2011 TARAL WAYNE :: NIALL McGRATH & TIM TRAIN :: DITMAR (DICK JENSSEN) :: BRUCE GILLESPIE :: ABC CLASSICS Top 100 Scratch Pad 77 March 2011 Based on the non-mailing comments section of *brg* 67 and 68, a fanzine for ANZAPA (Australia and New Zealand Amateur Publishing Association) written and published by Bruce Gillespie, 5 Howard St, Greensborough VIC 3088. Phone: (03) 9435 7786. Email: [email protected]. Member fwa. Website: GillespieCochrane.com.au Contents 3 Unsolved mysteries of the hereafter — by Taral Wayne 6 The brand new Scratch Pad poetry spot — by Niall McGrath and Tim Train 9 Ditmar’s best and favourite films of 2010 — by Ditmar (Dick Jenssen) 15 Shining shores: Bruce Gillespie’s favourites 2010 — by Bruce Gillespie 36 ABC Classic 100 ten years on: 2010 — introduced by Bruce Gillespie Cover graphic — ‘Evening Phenomenon’ by Ditmar (Dick Jenssen) Cartoon p. 3: ‘Unsolved mysteries’ — by Taral Wayne 2 Unsolved mysteries of the hereafter by Taral Wayne I think some scholar, or someone who wanted to be mistaken for one, claimed that the translation from the Koran was wrong, and it wasn’t ‘seventy virgins’, but something like ‘seventy figs’, that a good Muslim could expect in Paradise, and that it only meant the blessed would be in the midst of plenty. I’m not sure I buy that. It was only 1500 years ago, and I don’t think Arabic then was so different from modern Arabic that millions of Arab Muslims make such an elementary mistake. But who knows ... maybe Allah really only did mean that the nearly arrived would be greeted with a plate of figs ... I sure would like to see the faces of a couple of billion dead Muslims as their cherished hopes are dashed. I would imagine that the rest of us would be disappointed by one thing or another as well. As I recall, the Bible doesn’t really say much about the nature of Heaven. It says emphatically that the Blessed will remain in the presence of God forever. There are allusions to milk and honey that sound much like the Seventy Figs. Surely this only means that there’s lots of good grub to eat, not that the diet would be monotonous and cloying. And there is a Vision or two of Paradise shining like gold. But are there 7-11s? If so, who works the night shift? What about the internet? Is there tech support when I have a problem? Can I eat pizza all day long, never exercise, and stay in shape? Are there Worldcons? Can I tune in pop music, instead of harps and wheezy flutes? Surely there can’t be NASCAR though, or the WWF, or it could hardly be 3 Heaven to me. Will trailer parks — for all those millions of poor white I don’t know why the Afterlife would be limited to higher animals, though. trash — still attract tornadoes? And maybe robes were the fashion choice We are told that the Spark of Life is imbued in all creatures, big and of the millions who lived in the Middle East a thousand years ago, but small. If so, there’s every possibility that the pneumococci that launched why couldn’t I have blue jeans if I want? Or a Star Trek uniform, for that you into Eternity might come along for the ride. We might be knee-deep matter. Does Heaven have a dress code? Will we still have belly buttons in bacteria, fungi and viruses in the Here-after. Even if in our immortal for good-looking chicks to bare? Why? The Bible doesn’t seem to answer forms we are immune to infection, the sheer bulk of all the microscopic any of these vital issues, so I suppose we’ll just have to hope for the life forms that have ever existed could create an ocean of protoplasm in best. the Hereafter that is miles deep. Never mind wings. We’d need fins and flippers. If there’s no Silicon Heaven, asked Kryten — the mechanoid on Red Dwarf – where do all the dead calculators go? He has a point. If Artificial The only real authority we have on the Shape of Things to Come is Mark Intelligence is ever created, will it have a soul and be eligible for Twain. salvation? Could it go to The Hereafter when its service warranty is over? Yes, it’s true that the Bible has a few things to say on the subject, but And when asked if Silicon Heaven was the same place as Human Heaven, they are maddeningly vague. Heaven is seen as a city of gold, nestled Kryten had an answer for that too. ‘Someone just made that up’, he said, in the canyons of a billowing cloudscape. One wonders whether the ‘to prevent you from all going nuts.’ That’s a point, too, and goes far to witnesses of this glorious vision had been partaking too deeply of the clearing up the mystery of Kryten’s first point. How would any intelligent sacrament of the grape, and had mistaken a sunset for Paradise. But the being stand life without believing that something better lies in wait for image has undeniable power on the imagination. Heaven is often us? described as having streets paved with gold, though what use that would be is hard to guess. Perhaps that Corvette you’ve always wanted, and What if all higher animals, from hamsters all the way up to apes, also can have in the Hereafter, comes equipped with gold-weather tyres? have souls? You might love your cat, but would you want to spend There is the fabled milk and honey too. Both were highly regarded treats eternity with every one you’ve ever kept, having them follow you around the time of Christ, especially among the poor, but even the everywhere, rubbing against your legs, scratching up the furniture and average peasant or laborer would obviously prefer to sit down to a meal demanding to be fed 24 hours a day? Dog lovers will have similar of bread and meat and reach for the honey only as desert. problems, as well as pitcher’s elbow from throwing sticks for dozens of Rovers, Fidos, Bowsers and Spots. What about your Mom’s canaries and What else is said about Heaven? Almost nothing. The main selling point parakeets? Will she be burdened in the Afterlife by dozens (or hundreds) seems to be the proximity to God. of cheeping, squawking, pooping birdies in their 24 kt gold cages? From where will all the paper come to line cage floors, and what will be done Not much is said about that, even. What sort of neighbor is God? Does with it when it’s changed? he play the stereo late at night? Does he bang on your front door when you have loud parties? Can you get along easily with God, or is he Then there’s that Big Mac you ate the other day. Where do you think bad-tempered and demanding? Can you speak your mind to Him, or must hamburger comes from? Right. Living cows, who die to be ground into you agree with every little thing He says? Is He witty, and entertaining? lean red chuck before it goes on the grill. Do dead cows go to Heaven as Or is He a tedious philosopher? What if He is only a gossip, wittering well? I can imagine that if they do, they might well hold a grudge. In the away about ancient Egyptian priests and Assyrian kings you never heard Afterlife, there could be an army of angry animals waiting to show us of? In other words, what sort of time can you expect to have while what they think of being consumed as wings, sausages, chops, cutlets, hanging onto the hem of God’s robe for Eternity? burger and steaks. 4 Worse may be the belief that you join the mind of God, becoming no Apart from the cloudbank and Pearly Gates there is little physical more than a memory of what you once were. How is this different from description of Heaven, but quite a lot of talk about how people behave simply dying, as doubtless God knows everything about you anyway? there. We are left trying to imagine having whatever we desire, and being given the freedom to pursue whatever activities we want. Perhaps that Mark Twain, though, had quite a lot to say about the Afterlife in a short isn’t such a bad way for Heaven to be — much potential with few story published in 1909. ‘An Extract From Captain Stormfield’s Visit to limitations. But one still wonders about the furnishings. Heaven’ was the last short story published in Twain’s lifetime, and tells of the journey of a steamboat captain on his way to Heaven. After years Why is it that religion rarely talks of such things? of hurtling through space, he finally arrives at the Pearly Gates. Captain Stormfield describes them as set with flashing jewels, piercing a wall of It’s understood that religion is primarily concerned with guiding people gold that stretched as far as the eye could see and rose so high that the in the here-and-now. Yet, religion almost relishes descriptions of the top was lost from sight. A crowd of billions of arriving souls waited suffering and horror awaiting those who misbehave. We have vivid patiently for a brusque clerk to take their names and place of birth before pictures of flames and the damned roasting in them; of demons dancing they are permitted in.

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